#I am going to be thinking about this forever btw
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"hi guys, I'm Niki Nihachu, and, I think you guys should pick me, because I'm just really nice!"
#I am going to be thinking about this forever btw#if you saw me post this before no you didnt#niki nihachu#generation loss#genloss spoilers#gif#grass' genloss tomfoolery#grass yells into the void#if you're asking what happened to the quality i dont know either#genloss gif#grass' big posts
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five stages of adeuce ft the trials and tribulations of ace trappola
#twisted wonderland#twst#adeuce#ace trappola#deuce spade#cereal tries to draw#ummmm. teehee.#jumpscare i spent more than an hour on something#i still. absolutely rushed thru but i mean i did some of it yesterday and some today#for SEVERAL hours#but i am so very busy and have a lot i need to do so i had to just#GET IT OUTTA MY SYSTEM one less thing to think about#but listen listen to me i love adeuce i love them so much theyre one of my og twst ships#and i love their ride or die bestie bond with yuu and grim it's SOOOO CUTE#i also love first year squad and i love basketball brothers and i love heartslabyul family#deuce is eating an egg in that first panel btw. sorry i dont know how to draw. well anything but especially silverware#and also hands. oh god. bu it's OKAY i dont HAVE TO make things PRETTY im . trying new things here.#IM TRYING I AM LEARNING IM EXPRESSING MYSELF VIA. IDK BLORBO SILLIES#ok that's enough going thru it in the tags i love my silly sons i hope u love them too#bc i need more adeuce FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!#directly inject heartslabyul content into my brain please theyre my favorites forever and ever and ever#[smash bros voice] NO CONTEST#ace and deuce have such a funny relationship. like why are you like that LOL kjdfldsjfkls#ace writing a Get Out Of My School letter to juice. real 2 me. i made that joke for jamil/azul once#but it's true for anyone at nrc i think actually. ok that's ENOUGH i need to go to BED GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also i was gonna use text tool to also type the dialogue but it looked weird n out of place w/my sloppy drawing so i had to freehand AGAIN#SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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guess who got so brainrotted over jaiden animations that they finished their first animatic
#she is just so!!!!#i heard this song and went insane immediately#it says in the title but it's 'i want to meet the devil (voice memo)' by molly frances btw#such a jaiden song holy shit#i didn't include the whole thing because i wanted something short that id actually finish#excpecting yknow maybe 30 seconds#but no a full minute B) and then i spent like four hours trying to figure out how to do a gradient colour shift via Math and then#learning that my data was wrong#so i was once again cursed for trying to do things the silly funny hard way#it still worked tho so here i am victorious#qsmp#jaiden animations#q!jaiden#qsmp jaiden#but no yeah. yeah. jaiden.#i will forever be thinking about her 'what am i going to do?' scream at the sunset#and then the 'ill figure it out'#and the 'would you kill someone to save bobby?' 'i'd do anything'#and living in a house of memories and bringing people that trust *her* there and jksadfhlsjdhlakjsdfhksadjf#she doesn't bring her friends there she brings people who she's friends to do you get me#once again i go ham in the tags but please understand#~*Her*~#woo hoo new medium new tag :D#shape animates#shape draws
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SPERG YOUR HEART OUT
#EVERYONE#NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& FOREVER#i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them.#i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz)#still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^#I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving#literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things#for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW#so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing#so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head#ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan#OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG#& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted#to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO.#next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it#i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN#like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...
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i haven’t caught up with pokemon horizons but i’m gonna say this as a complete outsider: thank god the theory about liko being ash’s kid isn’t true. i don’t mind it as a fanfic/au thing but imagine the timeline where it was confirmed that ash was her dad
#lemme make this hypothetical worse: they confirm ash is her dad but leave the identity of her mom ambiguous#the resulting ship war would last forever. it would be the *only* thing people talk about when you bring up liko as a character#every time the poor girl shows interest in sth ppl take it as ‘proof’ of her mom’s identity#like she says ‘oh i think showcases are kinda cool’ and the am*urshippers go feral#(no offense to any of these ship fandoms/ships btw. this is purely in jest)#anyway. i think it’s kinda interesting as an au but thank god the writers didn’t canonize it#pokeani#pokemon#pokemon horizons
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every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3
#re lrb..........#i mean realistically if i was in the voltron/quintenary stars universe chances are i would probably NOT be one of the people#going on the space adventure.#i'd be roped into the plot when the aliens invade and earth almost gets destroyed. spoilers for arc 2 btw sorry#but man. child soldierism aside i wish that were me so so so bad#sadly kicks a rock when will EYE have a deep and mystical connection with a giant ancient cat :(#its not even that i want to interact with the main cast bc i dont really i just. wanna be in their position man#i think one of the reasons why voltron grabbed me so hard (among MANY) is how badly i wanted to do what the main characters did#i remember when i was first watching it while it was coming out i would CONSISTENTLY daydream about being launched into space#with a handful of other people and having to fight a war and grow up far away from home and all the suffocating stuff that came with it#and then coming back years later already solidly knowing who i am and being confident in that#so i'd actually be brave enough to be unapologetic about it. and i'd be found family with the people i went to space with also#that parts important#idk man just. i dont like saying i was abused when i was younger because i really dont think it was like that and it isnt even close to#what how people who have really been abused have had to go through#but sometimes i really do wonder. like now that im (mostly) out and able to review everything with an outside perspective#not even getting into the cult survivorism stuff this is JUST family dynamics im talking about here#bc that shit is a whole other can of worms#i think my parents were genuinely doing the best they could with the cards they were dealt but. jesus christ.#i would have given ANYTHING to be able to run away from all that. and throw magic cats into the equation? brother im GONE#anyway this tags ramble has derailed in a MAJOR way. tldr i wanted to be a paladin sooooo fuckign bad bro#like it actually makes me SICK how much i want a lion. red you are my forever girl even if only in my heart <///3#i still do want to do all that out of principle but its not as desperate now i just really love space and really want a big kitty friend#winter speaks
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Rebecca (1940, dir Alfred Hitchcock) // Vievee Francis, "Apologia" (Excerpt) // Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca
#THIS WAS THE POEM BTW. that no one asked for but I am offering regardless <3 <3#''SHE LOOKED ALMOST TRIUMPHANT'' !#rebecca#just gonna tag this under#web weaving#for organizational purpose#has anyone else been ruminating over this scene for years or has it just been me#she is constantly reminded of how different she is from rebecca (wrt beauty wit boldness etc etc)#but in retrospect with this confession rebecca's negatively perceived traits such as selfishness#are intended to be the unspoken additional differences maxim et al see between them#but then she hears maxim's confession and as the shock wears away-- she feels something akin to giddiness#selfishness one could say!#a triumph at last--right there in the chamber. it does feel like she's echoing rebecca a bit#(even if it is a hollow triumph imo)#and do I even need to go into fontaine's acting here. just so good#rebecca is really one of the most interesting iterations of the bluebeard tale#the last wife does still die in a sense. but it is alongside her bluebeard as a pair of unmoored ghosts#while the story remains forever enclosed in the first dead wife's fist#I'm now thinking about that rebecca fanfiction I wrote as a teenager where the first and second wife meet#and maxim just wasn't there lmao. shows my priorities#anyway i'm forever fascinated by both ladies in this story goodnight and thank you#myedit
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Dammit heart why are you like this ik she's like the exact damn girl you would've thought up to be as attractive and friend as humanly possible to me but you still don't have to be this whiny about it.
#yknow i was pretty settled on thinking i was aro for a few years there and um now lets just say there are questions#like idk ive been sexually attracted to close friends before and this is different#but on the other hand does it fucking matter because we're not gonna be a thing longterm#and holy shit am i having a hard time coping with that#i figure ill get over it i have before#but on the other hand idk ive been so lonely and she came back into my life and i was naïve enough to think#that we'd live together and be a thing long-term and that things were going to be okay and id found someone i could be with forever#and that meant so much to me as someone who's always feared being alone and being aro and living in such an allonormative society#as well as heteronormative and mononormative(?) and generally not cool with deviations from the nuclear family#and i thought that yknow ill still have trouble finding friends prob but ill have someone i can come home to be with at the end of the day#and then ofc reality happened#fuck man i see why allo people are so fussed about breakups now#oh yeah btw irls if you know who this is about just like idk dont tell her this i want to communicate some of this to her myself#and the other parts frankly i dont want to share because itd feel manipulative#so yeah i love her#oh and if anyone has read this far an encouraging dm is more than welcome
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#closecore#photography#mallrat#no I didn’t buy any of this shitttt it’s so expensive#hot topic is my mortal nemesis btw I don’t trust ‘scene kids’ who go there#okay poserrrrr#also don’t get your sex toys from Spencer’s#PSA from your local. whatever I am.#if this makes you upset I hope you think about me forever#hey if you want good Alt shit to do start pirating music and loitering#make Kandi even at the shittiest prices its like $40 for all the elastic and beads you could possibly use#and other freaks will notice your wearables and come talk to you#<- there are better prices btw but let’s say you only have department stores n shit#but uh. idk. strong feelings on Alt culture ‘becoming’ what brands and stores we go to#hot topic isn’t even good quality#you can custom make an invader zim shirt I promise#take my hand. I’m hoping to sew star patches into my jeans dis weekend. let’s do it together
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Feeling homicidal at work today ♡
#there's been major issues with wordpress for Weeks now and my beloved colleague told IT about it and added me#to the 'task' explicitly writing 'please talk to [my name] if you have any further questions or want to discuss things as i am on vacation'#today i come back to this task reading a lovely comment by that dude who's responsible for solving the problem going#'i think it's best if we make an appointment to discuss this when you're back :)' bitch ill kill you#my boy doesn't even Use wordpress it's not even his fucking problem. he just was nice enough to summarize my complaints#so i added a comment too because i honestly can't work like this and want this to be Fixed asap#and if he wants to talk to [beloved colleague] first it's gonna take another 2 fucking weeks until anyone even considers the problem again#and i have no patience for this left at this point. so of course that bitch calls me when i was marked as 'absent' on teams#(did he fucking do that on purpose?? so he wouldn't actually have to talk to me? also. just Text me you fucking bitch)#and when i come back to it HE was absent so i couldn't call him back and also i won't wait for him to come back online so i can talk to him#because my work hours are Over for this week and he could very well just send me a message or add another comment if he has anything to say#but alas he didn't#i honestly am usually quite patient and understanding when it comes to fixing issues but this has been going on forever#and i wouldn't even say anything if it hadn't been for that stupid ass comment on how he wants to talk to [colleague] first. bitch!#(i just mentioned what the main issue was in my own comment btw. i didn't say anything about hurrying or any of the million#passive aggressive things i WANTED to say. very proud of myself for that ♡#had i been with that dude in person i would have killed him on sight)#god things are gonna be so insufferable when my beloved colleague is gone forever ㅠㅠ#he's the only good thing about this fucking company and I'm sure everything's gonna go down in flames#once he's gone#void screams#work stuff
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Sending love from one depressive spiral to another.
One thing that's helped me, as I'm coming out of this one, was getting my friends to pick prompts for me (to write in my case) which I then committed to filling BADLY. Because sometimes intending to create stuff that is just dumb and shit, means it doesn't mind that my brain tells me that it's dumb and shit because I'm like "yes brain, I know, that was the brief" and then before you know it you're back in the creating zone again
Tldr: commit to being shit. 🤷♀️
Hello, thank you! Depression is a little shithead because it takes different forms for everybody and sometimes warps depending on the circumstances so even when i think i have a handle on it and can prepare for gaps in my exercise routine that keeps me functional....something will happen and throw me for a loop and im back to struggling. For me, when im like this, that constant voice in my head drowning out everything else - and i mean everything - saying 'you're worthless, this is pointless' over and over and over and over is almost paralyzing. Try writing a cover letter when your brain is telling you that you are probably the most useless person ever and you cant see anything even remotely good about yourself. Its why i have friends proofread if i make any major changes to my generic letter content. Especially this one friend who has the same problem - he cant sell himself, i literally can hear him talk himself in circles into thinking he's old and washed up and not valuable on the market anymore - and i cant sell myself. But i think he's the most amazing talented person ever, and he's never said it but im pretty sure he thinks similar of me, so we check each others work pitches to make sure they sound suitably enthusiastic and glowing. Ive had other people also read my letters but if they dont understand how depression can sit on the brain and make it impossible to write this shit, they dont quite know how to help me. While my one friend who gets it knows that he needs to tell me 'hey, you left out this very important vital contribution to that one project, dumbass' (only nicer lol). So i have one very happy sounding, very aggrandizing letter that i tailor to wherever im sending it. But thats all stuff i need to do. Its vital, its a requirement, i can force myself to sit down and do it.
Personal art isnt exactly a requirement. So instead of making myself sit down and do it, i can just lie on the floor feeling numb and wish i dont exist anymore 🙃
#This isnt a constant state of being btw#And i know it will pass even if this right now is the worst its been in a while#I can already feel it getting better and todays run helped#I need to feel needed again really is what it comes down to#and i miss working with people i miss having a team#And doing what i know i can do and have been working in for over a decade#After every let down i just keep going because i know that that is what im working to get back to#my dad has this too and i think the biggest failure of his generation is being unable to talk about this shit#like i watched my dad go through this and quite often i was his one link to the world family members would talk to me instead of him#because he was so checked out. still functioning at work but with no energy left for anything else.#dad was the reason i figured out exercise was a factor#the only time I could get him leave the house was either the tennis club or grocery shopping#and i think i was around 13 ish when i realized that my brain became sluggish and weird and depressed during vacations#and it was because i quit my usual gym exercise routines#i have never missed longer than a few weeks ever since#i am not kidding about that by the way running multiple times a week every week for over two decades now#except for that knee injury in 2021 when i think i missed 6 months but did light dance routines since i couldn't run#but this sinking void of self hatred im in now is what i am forever running from#anyway but it never occurred to my dad that his daughter may struggle from the same issues
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well! that project's out of my brain now :) now what
#just me hi#“now what” i have tide in there now and i am not going to post much about them lmao#or maybe i will i dunno! but some things stay the most fun when they're secrets ehe :3#//a lot of weather has been happening recently huh#lot more than i'm used to anyway lol - and why's it gotta be so humid out here like C'mon hghf#the air. is Thick. and Wet. like a toad#//Oh but i've been having so much fun drawing recently lol :D#it started getting flat and really boring for some reason to where it felt like i was doing it like a chore - just a motion to keep the#gears running ykno? but yeah i've been enjoying it a lot more these past so many days :D !#i didn't even really notice it until i realized i had zoned in on a comic i was drawing and hadn't considered working on anything else hfsh#//also i've been playing with that music box app/website again - i should prolly use a real music program but none of them are like this#thing ykno? cuz i just tip tap and Boom the sound i need is Right There !! :>#i tried soundtrap i really did but man it's a lot hhhghf#i don't like how it's set up unfortunately. oh well!#i need like minimal clutter or i Die. Gruesomely hbfsh - just what i need and nothing less nothing more. it's a balance#/despite that i am Really Bad at passively organizing things lol - and when i try i just misplace things like crazy. scavenger hunts are a#guarantee lol :)#//i'm still struggling spell guarantee btw but oo am i getting close !! hfshbh#it's the second A it always trips me up#that does not sound like an A. i believe that's identity fraud my friend [<- aggressive squinting]#//anyway sun's out i'm inside and i'm going to listen to music forever#/do you think there are electric guitars in the heavenly choir? hm!#//anyway back to my wanderings!! toodles toodles :D
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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no rizz just constantly "jokingly" tell him how fucking hot he is
#it's literally like: 'wah Mizu is soo attractive to me... btw have i ever told you I've always thought he looks kinda like you?'#'you'd look so sexy in that white shirt haha'#which btw it's the kind of stuff I've told him since forever. i '''jokingly''' had a List of Reasons Why You're Sexy lol#(which includes things like 'ive seen you repair a faucet with your bare hands' btw. like woah)#i just?? never realised?? how hard i was crushing?? because i was too obsessed w my former best friend/main crush#another friend of mine told me this is a good sign. i think he's right#still i am panicking over this crush. over liking people in general atm#i want to go to therapy tbh#how did i end up talking therapy?? i was talking about the boy i like??#anyways. thanks to whoever reads this & sorry if I'm oversharing I guess#I just have to retrieve several months of unrealised simping i guess hahaha#personal#cal has a crush and makes it everyone's problem once again
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anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol
#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird#this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY#i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it#whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo#i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work#imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞#real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason#like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me#ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS???#ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like#why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything#i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed#i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame#i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol#also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually#cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj#i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle#i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore#i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable#ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao#im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed#ramblings#shut up cianna
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i love when it seems like a small world sometimes.
the person who posted that win7 ms paint download post reblogged a few posts from an artist i recognized from the ttcc tag here, who was actually a past bugsnax fan because i recognized their art style from when i was a fan. i follow a warrior cats semi-parody comic on deviantart and i ended up finding the artist's artfight page because a person i was attacking was followed by them, and that same artist had a part on a warrior cats map that one of my school friends also had a part in. i realized that i had been listening to and replaying a different wc map that a bomberman fan here was actually in. after a new person had followed me, i realized that one of my mutuals had just reblogged something from that same person, which could mean we were literally one person divorced from each other before. i found a wc pmv in my recommended and was wondering why the artstyle was so familiar to me before realizing it was an artist in the wordgirl tag who i used to follow.
every day i realize i am more connected to people than i think i am.
#(map = multi animator project btw)#god. sorry im just a little insane about this type of thing#because it Seems impossible with how big the internet is. y'know?#yet it keeps happening#curling up into a ball forever. i am interconnected with the people i see and interact with like a web#and even if the threads are so thin that you can barely see them theyre Still There#and sometimes i trip over them. realize i made the thread in the first place. and reinforce it just a bit more#...i think i need to go to bed
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