#I can barely even cry about it anymore
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#sleep token#here is a thing#there are certain moments when Vessel looks.. no he rather feels.. small#i mean his.. aura? presence? but not in the non-captivating way but as in an emotionally vulnerable way#i don't really have the words to describe this but just like on this picture#bear with me for a minute because this is either gonna sound completely unhinged or make some sort of sense#it's probably just me having a little more time on my hand than i should and just want to see things but..#sometimes he feels so present in a here-i-am as-i-am take-me-as-you-will this-is-all-i-am i-can't-give-more-nor-less it's-just-me sorta way#he feels so human in the rawest sense possible and yet so deep in character maybe even more so than when he creatures or teefs and all#like.. he is just vessel in it's simplicity and without the 'divine' if you will.. simply just vessel#in his barest of existance#a shadow of someone who used to be but not quite anymore#he is in pieces and it is willingly laid bare under the mask and all that bodypaint oh so clear to see for anyone#and that is not the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me#and that is what i find so heartbreaking about him#this kind if raw openness because the lore says vessel is a conduit for sleep#for us vessel (and the the others) is the conduit of our emotions#and he is there somewhere inbetween the truths#just him a simple human being who sometimes seems to wish not to be human which makes him more human than anything#and that is what i can't describe better than 'sometimes he feels small' and at time even maybe makes me cry a little
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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#currently crying because I'm alone with my husband's 94 year old grandma and I'm the only one who ever lets her talk about certain topics#so she just talked about her childhood and youth for one and a half hours#which means. the war#I'm not gonna go into it but it makes me cry every time even though I've already heard it all before#how can you not cry about a child who lost two of her teenaged brothers and had to watch the third one very nearly die too#the stories about how careful they had to be because the police constantly went to every house and checked everything#how they had to hide some of the milk from their cows so they could make butter because they couldn't afford to buy it#and how dangerous that was.#idk I'm so tired of people dying over senseless and unnecessary shit forever and ever and nothing ever changes and no one ever seems#to learn from it#or at least the ones in power don't#as long as there's disposable people (men) to send to war it doesn't matter. and now that's not even necessary anymore you can just kill#people from far away and. I'm just tired#and I'll shut up now and not talk about these things again as usual. it's not because I don't care it's because it (literally) drives me#insane to think about it and I know it's weak and pathetic but I have to choose to stay just barely sane enough to stay alive#can't stop crying. 🙃#anyway. shouldn't talk about it so. bye
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Vent
Tw: sh, suivide
#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing#mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do#im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real#he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same#....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting#but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying#i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me#....all i do is annoy my dad#i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore#but im too scared of failing#also im scared of Hell#i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it#i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain#instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide#my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that#theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification#the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight
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#i knew the vibes were going to plummet as soon as we left the restaurant#ny dad actually isnt in a bad mood about it#he didn't like the loud music but hes not mad about it#but my mom is like 'i picked a bad place i shouldn't have picked that one i didnt even know they had music#and they just HAD to sit us at the loudest table 🙄'#well yeah. it was the only one open when we got there#and she kinda complained about her food and the waitress 😵💫#she said she was stressed the whole time bc she knew my dad was stressed#well. the difference between them is my dad was stressed about the loud music#but once we left the place with the loud music. he wasn't stressed anymore#my mom was stressed. so she will find every single thing she can to contribute to her stress. and it will remain. for hours#in fact. probably years from now. we will be like remember that nice trip in September 2024 :) and she will be like#'oh yeah the one with the awful restaurant that i picked out that everyone was miserable about'#(she was the most miserable bc she stressed herself out)#and its just.......... :/ im sorry my dad was uncomfortable with the noise. and that my mom didn't have a good time#but. i cannot remember the last time a restaurant caused LESS anxiety actually.#and on a different vacation earlier this year we went to a restaurant that Everyone else wanted to go to#and it was quite literally one of the most miserable experiences of my life#it was SO loud. the dining room was so small and cramped and it was so crowded and everyone was YELLING#i kept headphones in the whole time and sat with my head down and could barely even eat anything#it was like. an hour+ long panic attack. i wanted to cry the whole time#but when that happened. my moms dinner wasnt ruined bc she felt bad i was stressed#so . 😐 im just saying
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>:(
#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts#SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work#and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh#and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material#he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s#even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my#barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then#this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a#horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get#/that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry#and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head#but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur#portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on#and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally#i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and#idk it made me feel really lonely#im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed#i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad
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im so disappointed in my art lately . im not a beginner artist, but i feel like everything i do looks like i am . i feel like it would only be acceptable for a beginner . i havent made any progress since i was 11 . today is not a good day
#artist problems? except i barely even count as an artist atp#non serious vent sorry#i dont usually textpost because i much prefer just sticking it in the tags and hoping i forget about it#but i dont have anything to post. i literally have not been able to make anything at all.#does any other artist feel like this?#i know everyone says they feel like this but i cant decide if its comforting or condescending#all the other artists say “oh i hate my art!” when their art is good because its just the artists eye or whatever its called#and on one hand its comforting because everyone hates their art#but on the other hand its so discouraging because if you hate your art so much#how does mine look? how bad is mine?#i dont like talking abt weed bc its kinda weird for a 14 year old but i feel like the only times i can draw without crying -#- is when im high#i dont know i need to take a break or something#might focus on writing but everything is just so frustrating to me lately#i cant promise literally anything anymore because everytime i get excited to create its just GONE so fast#becaus i cant like anything i make#i keep searching for some kind of art advice that will actually help but i never can figure out how to apply it#and most of it is just “keep practicing!” as if i havent been practicing since i was 8 years old#i feel like at this point i have to just start all the way over but i dont even know how#at this point i would rather art regress than keep churning out the same mediocre garbage ive been drawing since 2022#and its not even that im pressuring myself to draw. its that all my art has just looked the same for so long and im so frustrated#i literally cannot draw anything without crying anymore its really upsetting#anyway sorry for the negativity on main :( this blog has kinda become my diary and im just an overdramatic teenager or whatever i dont know
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why why why can’t i have a slow burn instead of a burnt out this is so mean
#crying#i don’t even know what to say anymore when someone asks me about my future#i can barely finish a simple english presentation for monday and you’re asking me about uni and career and ambition?#please stop it’s for your own good too please#burnt out#academic shit#like how about i have a cute#slow burn#this year instead??#wouldn’t that be more interesting than seeing me wasting my being on my bed#nadirants
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anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol
#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird#this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY#i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it#whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo#i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work#imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞#real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason#like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me#ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS???#ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like#why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything#i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed#i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame#i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol#also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually#cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj#i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle#i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore#i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable#ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao#im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed#ramblings#shut up cianna
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Making myself sad thinking about ghost maria......
#ramblings#bc like. she's barely even herself anymore#her memories and her mind have rotted away like a corpse. she clings onto what little is left but that's fading away too#really the one thing still tying her to reality is shadow#she doesn't want to leave him but she doesn't fully know why#she's almost completely unaware of her situation. existance feels like a fleeting dream and every day it makes less and less sense#and shadow. shadow doesn't even know she's there#he can't hear her whispers when she tries to call out to him#he can't feel when she strokes his fur while he sleeps#he can't see her get excited whenever he does something cool#she's dead. still lives on in spirit and in his memory but there's still a disconnect. they cannot interact with each other#and even if they could. would it be as happy of a reunion as you'd think it'd be?#like i said. maria is barely herself. just an image based on a decaying memory#she can barely speak. she doesn't remember how#it's painful whether they can actually interact or not. but not interacting may be the least painful#AUGH i'm so fucking emo about this i'm gonna cry#i fucking love tragedy can you tell
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If they wanted to they would!!
#I’m so tired of dating people who don’t even like me and begging for the bare minimum#I can always tell when someone is about to leave me#I’m so tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and trying to be understanding#the fact is if you never respond to my messages. act like you can’t get away from me fast enough#and never give me any reassurance of any kind you don’t fucking care about me and I wish you would just leave me alone#the stupidest most hopeful part of me always wants to believe they have a good reason for it and they’ll make it up to me later#I’m not going to be understanding anymore I want to scream I want to cry#why does this always happen
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another vent, don't mind me. just need to get things out
#vent#don't mind me#i think i may be developing postpartum depression and anxiety#which yes. i had an appointment with the midwife today to talk about it and we have a plan#but having a plan doesn't get rid of the feeling that i'm drowning#i just feel like all of it is too much. everything. i can barely get myself to feel excited about things right now#i look at my son and want to cry because i feel like i'm failing him. and my husband is being such a great support and assures me i'm not#he says that as long as i'm trying my best i'm not failing him. and i am. i really am trying my best. but it doesn't feel like enough#my husband seems to be doing the majority of baby care and i can barely manage to change a diaper right now#i'm here taking a bath and trying not to sob while he's out there watching the baby and seems perfectly content#i can't sleep without having a nightmare that something happened to my son. not even a nap. and that anxiety transfers to my awake hours#i broke down sobbing today and my husband had to calm me down because i could barely breathe#i just don't know what to do. i have a tiny human relying on me and i'm not even producing enough breastmilk to feed him#i don't regret having him. he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. but i hate feeling like this. like i'm failing horrible mom#i just don't know what to do anymore
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i made preliminary plans to put my horse down in january today:( idk why im making this post i just want everyone to know about hippu and that she exists.
im so tortured whether its the right decision or not and whatever i mightve done wrong or not good enoug or if i should try something else and if the only person (the stable owner) i can discuss it with is right or not and its just way too much to explain lol
i feel bad about january too, because hippu was born during the summer, so to make plans to say goodbye to her during the coldest time of the year in the middle of the winter makes me feel sad. i wouldve at least wanted for her to go during the summer. but i suppose that only matters to me
heres some pictures i took of her today when i was keeping her company while she worried whether her buddy will also come in to the stable or not.
she looks so scruffy because shes changing into her winter coat. i called over to her and she looked directly at me and looked goofy.
shes my first horse and she will be my last horse too. someone laughed today when i said that (”thats what they all say, you always get a new horse”) but i know its true: its just too much money and time i dont have because im always so sick for no reason, its not even that i dont like horses or cant see myself loving a different horse as much, just the bleak reality im afraid.
once i wanted to be a pro equestrian, now were here, feels funny to think about.
#animal death cw - i guess. i dont know how content warning tagging works on tumblr anymore lol#for some reason my 2nd PC screen is on its last legs too and flickering etc lol#actually my life is going so much downhill. i dont even know what to say about hippu because i dont have anyone to talk to about her.#i dont know a lot of horse people and none i could talk about this and idk..ask for a different opinion or something. oh well.#im trying to make jokes right now but i barely even have the energy for that. im just really sad.#i genuinely feel like all ive done for the past month or something is cry and lately ive cried for hours every day. TMI lore about me lol#its just exhausting and theres nothing i can do about any of it. ahh... having issues with brain and money sucks so much what else can i say
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i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.
#delete later#vent in tags#anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s#given that i. almost never cry :)#i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming#at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.)#im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real#desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man#sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it.#college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact#that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed#i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents#whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but...#stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work...#so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away#because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing?#no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class#entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless#i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more#than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it.#ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...
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#anxiety tw#i just watched lewis’ documentary#this is gonna be a little tmi so bear with me#genuinely did not know that much about him personally so it’s fucking wild to see all the pressures and anxieties he had to face after#the success of his first album like i can’t even imagine feeling so much pressure over something so complex#huge love to him honestly#i’m gonna side step a little from bc i was watching it with my mom right#and mental illnesses are so fucking complex and different for every person that has them right#so we get to the big climax in which it all starts to build up for him right#and i’ve never said this online before right but my brother’s has diagnosed autism since he was a toddler and he has add and anxiety on top#and my mom’s always been very on top of that with him and tried to get him therapy and shit for it for years#and medication and all that stuff#like to the point where i remember going out of town to get him to a doctor and get him meds and shit#and he hasn’t taken anything in a while and my mom kind of chilled about it after he graduated high school#so she goes ‘you know that’s how your brother is like’ while we’re seeing lewis experience his own anxiety etc#while i’m over here almost crying bc it definitely hit close to home for me and my own personal experience#and it feels so fucking shitty that like bc a professional has never told us that i have an anxiety disorder or depression or any other#fucking mental illness that my mom just brushes off my own feelings and struggles#when some days i can barely get up in the morning and somedays i think about not doing it anymore and every day i sort of harm myself#so i just tell her to shut up and she gets mad when like#i’ve had to hide it for years so she doesn’t get worried then hit the breaking point and asked for help and they didn’t do anything about it#idk i guess i’m just tired of being pushed aside when i’m clearly aching
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My granny on dad's sad been getting easily sick lately and like i know shes was gonna die someday but i feel bad for not feeling sad about it
#for context shes the one that took care of me and brother when we were kids. back then we were legally obligated to spend time with our dad#at least 6 days a month. but he just left us w her and went to work bc hes an workaholic#my granny treated me badly (bc everyone in this family loves my brother more) and gave me religious trauma and left me alone with strangers#from her church. and then our grandpa (that didnt even live w her anymore) got super sick and his wife refused to take care of him#so she left him with our granny. and granny spent years and so much money on him for nothing. he was going to die anyway#he was barely a shell of a person that could only shit snd piss himself and still she forced herself to care for him because she#believed that if she did she would go to heaven#not even gonna touch on all the problems and hard times she gave my mother#i love and respect my granny for the strong black woman she is but god.... all the trauma she gave me....#2 this day she still treats me badly 4 being an atheist and gay. she still treats my uncle (her SON) badly 4 being gay and being darkskin.#i wonder if when she dies ill even be able to cry. i remember i cried everytime i had to leave her house when i was a child#like it wasnt all bad you know#i can remember good moments if i think about it#sorry for the trauma dump LOL#been way too much in my head these past few days
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