#I continue to rediscover my style >:D

[inumbrapugnabimus-maybe]

A wild Hyrule doodle appears!

[jf-madjesters1]

Hello! I used to keep up with your blog in 2018 and i recently rediscovered it, and I just wanted you to know that your TF2 fusions are some of my favourite things ever, I always especially loved Compound. It doesnt seem like you draw them anymore, but I’m super excited that i found you again because your art style is seriously amazing. Cant wait to see what you do next :D

Thank you very much! :D I'm sorry too many who wish for me to continue drawing some of my old designs and au. It just happens. Sometimes, you just want to draw other things. But thank you to you and many who still stick around to see more of my work! Thank you! :D

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

ask about BTS and the clarification of hiatus

i hope u dont mind me venting but honestly the announcement came at such a horrible time for me :( i was already struggling with my mental health, having to deal with moving forward in life (and being absolutely lost), lack of a social life and studying problems for the past couple of months. and just this morning all that bottled emotion finally burst and i had a rather embarrasing mental breakdown in the middle of a big crowd. on top of being sick this past weekend, assuming it to be just fever only to find out it was freaking covid. and also being far from family and not being able to go back home despite already making plans - it was just a very horrible day for me. and then BAM bts hiatus 😦

i watched the live and although i was insanely shocked (found out about it on twt) and feeling incredibly sad, i get where the members are coming from. as i reached this new stage in my life, where (hehe) life goes on, i find myself…stuck. just like the members, covid had a big impact on my life and me personally. it disrupted all the plans i had for my life and i truly think my life right now would be so different if the pandemic had never happened. and along the way i kinda lost myself and i just do not know what the hell im doing anymore. to the point where i question my entire existence like, is this really who i want to be? and the members feeling the same way, wanting to express themselves freely, rediscovering their identity idk theyre really brave to be able to do that :’) i just wish i am able to do the same for myself. as disappointed i was when i heard the news, i understood that this was a much needed thing for bts as a whole and i’ll continue supporting them as much as i do now

also to add on, i turned to bts a lot whenever i feel down so the word ‘hiatus’ really scared me a lot bc of the curse it has on other groups. where hiatus would usually mean unofficial disbandment, i was afraid that i would lose yet another thing in my life that made me genuinely happy. i know im being a tid bit overdramatic but damn the worst possible scenario came to mind when i found out and i was SCARED. but after the live, them clarifying what would happen during the break and i have had time to process it, i was confused as to why they used the word hiatus cause they would still have some group activities, right? right??

As far as I interpreted it, it is a hiatus from BTS music as a group, and they will currently be putting their efforts into the members' solo work. BTS said themselves that they were not disbanding.

It is a shift in focus. They were telling ARMY that, at the moment, the music they were trying to make as a group was lacking the sincerity or story they used to have. It wasn't moving in a direction that they liked and they were feeling at a loss for what to do, so they decided they needed some time apart to pour themselves into their own identities and interests.

BTS will be continuing group activities but of course they can't say what (hello, spoilers? XD). They did mention filming one-off Run BTS! episodes! :D And (assuming HYBE has business sense) I feel that there is a high likelihood they will continue things like ARMY Membership content, Seasons Greetings, stuff like that. They have always said the fans are most important and I believe they will push out content that they think the fans will like. :)

I would like to think of it as new and different content rather than the content we used to expect from them.

Mmm, think of SHINee for example. Each individual member has really strong solo careers: ONEW in musical / theater acting, Minho in drama acting, KEY in fashion / variety shows, Taemin has album upon album of solo music (the rest of the members also have solo albums but not as much as Taemin LMAO). They are part of SM Entertainment (ew, sorry I don't like the company, bleh), so obviously the situation is different; SM have much more of a "factory" style of releases.

HYBE and BTS have a symbiotic relationship. HYBE do not control BTS (they couldn't even if they tried lol) and, also, they understand that good music comes from a personal place but when you've already written about that place over and over and over, it won't be as good anymore, you know? BTS talk about real experiences... so that's what they're going to do, have experiences, yet they're all different people and some of them don't want to game for 20 hours a day, eating two meals in four days LOL

(can't imagine why, it's great, not healthy but great :D)

ANYWAY

Remember Taehyung said he's marrying all of BTS (regardless of Seokjin's protests) so there's no need to worry, they will be together for a long time. :)

I don't want to discount the hardships you're going though. Sounds tough, but don't think of this as one of them, okay? This is a unique chance to see the individual members' colors, to see their creativity and their polished shine, and tbh I'm sure they will make cameos in each other's work (Yoongi already told JK to use him as a producer, I'm sure JK makes enough to pay that expensive rate it's probably in lamb skewers anyway).

Everyone moves at a different pace and encounters different obstacles in life. You may feel like you're aimlessly wandering now, on a island all alone, but there's much in learn even when lost in the forest, even when you feel that there's danger in every corner. BTS are still here and they aren't going anywhere. Is this not the best universe because BTS are here? :)

And, remember BTS In The SEOM is coming out the end of this month, we'll have a step-by-step guide on how to survive being marooned on an island on the back of a flying whale, shupshup

plus Yoongi gaming OST, POGGIES!

[welovediaaxx]

haii! (this is mystiquevi!) tumblr usually put my main blog on asks but anyways!!

i saw your prompt list and i'm thinking offff, a zuko x reader with #19 and #11! :D thank youuuuu!

i will binge through your works and your writing style!!! I love ittt smmmm!! AAAAAAA ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ i love the humor in between the fire on your eyes and how well you were able to incorporate the socmedau!! :000 i got intrigued and finished it all >< keep up with the amazing workkk! ♡

oh my looord i actually haven’t been active on tumblr for like a solid year but i just started using it and reblogged a few posts and i guess people started rediscovering my account and it’s been warming my heart seeing people enjoy the things i used to write🥹🥹 i haven’t written a solid fic or drabble or anything in a year and honestly forgot i even had a prompt list lol but this is making me want to continue writing and expand as i have some new interests.

kinda feel bad you had to read all that it was probs a lil painful and cringe but i am sososo glad u liked my work ❤️❤️❤️ and i’ll deffo see about the request but ngl i think imma restart my writing careen lmao

[dushu--shannai]

D.Gray Man: a reboot of the anime ?

Jeez… I try to diversify my posts and I keep talking about D.Gray Man…

But I really wanted to talk about this topic since I really feel concerned about it… And worried. I will explain why I feel that way:

The thing is that I saw some people talking about a possibility of a reboot of DGM.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand why we may think that it could be a great idea. Even though Hallow was a good try of refreshing the manga, it wasn’t a very big success. And D Gray Man deserves to be famous. What ‘s better than a reboot to bring a new audience ?

But I’m certainly too nostalgic (hey ! the first anime isn’t that old ! There are a lot of unpopular animes that are older than 2006-2008 and no one was talking about a reboot !) I am really attached to the first anime. That’s why the idea of a reboot makes me feel a little sad, even if I get the purpose ! It’s just that… The first anime is really unique, you know ?

The cast is awesome.(I have a big problem with japanese voice actors I think that the change is the thing that makes me feel sad with reboots) Here’s a stupid theory (it seems unrealistic because Hallow changed the entire cast) but let’s pretend that the cast is the same (it won’t be the case for the Earl for an obvious and sad reason): the voices of the seiyuu didn’t get old. The annoying fangirl that I am would be happy so everything would be alright, right ? No. The beauty of the anime isn’t just about the voice actors !

The gothic atmosphere, the music, the style of the animation…

(yeah it’s creepy I like it)

If the project of a reboot would be confirmed, I would give it a chance because I’m a fan of D Gray Man and I want to see Nea and Mana’s story animated ! Oh yeah ! But I wonder what it would look like… The first anime is irreplaceable. Maybe the reboot would be something totally different but worthwhile ? Or it would be a pale imitation really disappointing ? I don’t know if I could prefer a reboot to the first anime (it really seems impossible to me ) but I could be satisfied with the result…

Yet, I know that the anime has a flaw: the addition of episodes. In the first part of the anime, there are many episodes that didn’t follow the manga. In the manga, shit happens sooner (Allen is nearly killed in the 6th volume vs the 56th episode in the anime). Some episodes are worthwhile ( I enjoyed the fight between Tyki and Daisya, the development of Lulubell’s character, the fact that Allen meets Kevin Yeegar who seems sympathetic so we feel sad about his death)

I must admit that some people (in my country at least, I’m French) refused to continue the anime, because the evolution of the characters was slower with this addition of episodes…

“ what ? They failed to protect this girl ? But her power was really useful ! You can’t be serious !”

(It’s a shame because the anime really starts to become epic after this episode)

But somehow, I think that this discouraging weakness makes Allen’s evolution even more enjoyable ! There are episodes which show victims (remember about Devon ?) in our hero’s camp and it shows that there is a high risk they could lose this war… Well, we also find this idea in the manga :

And D Gray Man isn’t supposed to be a comedy (please someone save Allen)( the first time that I started to watch D Gray Man I was 13… I didn’t finish it. At this time of my life, I just watched anime to have fun… But I’m happy that I fixed my mistake ! This show is a masterpiece ! Shame on my past self)

Moreover, the anime adds funny moments so it may be considered more comic than the manga

To sum up, if this anime has a reboot, the first version will always have a special place in my heart. And from someone who refused to continue the show for several years and who rediscovered it by accident, it means something !

It would be selfish to say that I prefer that D Gray Man stays OUR manga (but it’s a pleasant idea) and Hoshino deserves that her manga become more popular ! If a reboot brings a new audience, why not ? And, with a little luck, if it’s a flop it could make them want to watch the first anime… Herm… I’m sorry.

D Gray Man is one of my favorite anime and I will defend it till the very end !

[clavierissimo]

Afterthoughts on Edwin Fischer – by Alfred Brendel

I What is piano-playing of genius? Playing which is at once correct and bold. Its correctness tells us: that is how it was to be. Its boldness presents us with a surprising and overwhelming realization: what we had thought impossible becomes true. Correctness can be attained by the expert. But boldness presupposes the gift of projection, which draws the audience into the orbit of one's personality. The personal, 'impossible' element in Edwin Fischer was twofold: his playing sprang from a childlike nature, yet, if the signs were favourable, it also possessed all the wisdom of the experienced master. The childlike characteristics were his sincerity and spontaneity, his ready sense of wonder, constantly rediscovered, his joy in playing, clowning, daring -- with what breathless gusto he sometimes romped through a Mozart Allegro! The master in Fischer was proclaimed by his gift for emotional differentiation, by the beauty of his tone and its extreme refinements, by his vision as well as by his grasp of the grand design. Child and master formed a perfect union in Fischer's happiest achievements; there was nothing to pull them apart. II Piano-playing is a strict discipline. Practice -- the task of clarifying, purifying, fortifying and restoring musical continuity -- can turn against the player. Control can 'sit' on one's playing like a coat of mail, like a corset, or like a well-tailored suit. On lucky occasions, it is just there, as if in league with chance. I have never come across a control of line and nuance more exciting than that achieved by Fischer in his performances of the slow movement of Bach's F minor Concerto, in the long paragraphs of the A minor Fantasia, or in some pieces from The Well-Tempered Clavier. (These examples should suffice to call to order the detractors of Fischer's technique!) Yet this excitement does not obstruct the listener -- it liberates him. There is something untamed even about Fischer's most decorous playing. 'In the work of art,' says Novalis, the German Romanticist, 'chaos must shine through the adornment of order.' (Im Kunstwerk muss das Chaos durch den Flor der Ordnung schimmern.) Fischer's order does not betray the pressure of reason; it represents creation in a state of innocence. So, does control appear in the guise of improvisation, as with the great Cortot? I would rather say that Fischer completes a circle: setting out from improvisation, he takes the route of a finely regulated awareness which eventually leads him back to improvisation. There are pianists whose playing is so predictable that if they fell into a faint it would create a welcome diversion. Fischer could spring a surprise at every note; he could also alarm you with his nerves, or make your hair stand on end with his childish fancies (as in his dreadful cadenzas!). There are pianists who hang on the music like parasites, and there are the platform hyenas who devour masterpieces like carrion. Fischer was a giver; he let out his breath and recommended his pupils to practise exhaling every morning. (Inhaling, he said, was easy.) This 'musical exhalation' was made possible by a singularly relaxed technique. Though it also gave rise to some inaccuracies, these in the end mattered little; the gain was overwhelming. 'You're trying too hard!' he would say to highly-strung and self-aware students. But Fischer's influence was not necessarily a relaxing one. He was apt to make the phlegmatic deliberately nervous in order to coax from them a spark of temperament. And he liked to put the pressure on when it was a question of establishing the grand design: he encouraged us not to take things apart and show their components but to put them together, place them in perspective, and see the detail in the context of the whole. III How can I convey the impact of Fischer's playing to someone who never heard him 'live'? During the nineteen-fifties, an orchestral player once came up to me after a rehearsal. He said he used to play in Edwin Fischer's chamber orchestra, and in his imagination was still doing so. He recalled particularly how fresh the Bach concertos used to sound in each performance. Even now, twenty-five years later, he still had goose-pimples whenever he thought of a certain passage. 'Look at this,' he said, rolling up his sleeve. Fischer, particularly after the last war, was afraid of the microphone. The recording he made of Brahms's F minor Sonata, for example, gives only one glimpse -- at the entry of the D flat major 'patriotic' theme in the last movement -- of his real conception of that work. Fortunately, there are among his records some which come fairly close to the reality of his playing. A few even set a standard of unmannered perfection which transcends the bounds of fashion. Best among his earlier records, in my opinion, are a number of wonderful Bach interpretations, as well as the Schubert Impromptus and the Mozart Concertos K. 466 (D minor) and K. 491 (C minor); among his later ones Bach's C major concerto for Three Pianos (with Ronald Smith and Denis Matthews) and Beethoven's Emperor Concerto under Furtwängler. The recording of Bach's C major Concerto was not done with his usual partners (who were former pupils); all the more admirable, then, is the complete unanimity of style, impressive proof of Fischer's power of communication. His conducting of the tuttis in Beethoven's Third and Fourth Concertos on his post-war records is, to my ears, still unsurpassed. A disc of Schubert Lieder with Elisabeth Schwarzkopf, and the recording of Brahms's G major Violin Sonata with Gioconda de Vito bear eloquent testimony to his mellow late style. The performances of the Fischer Trio unfortunately only live on in the memory of those who were present at their concerts; how could the recording industry possibly have let this happen?

[missingmywing]

Let Us Embrace Whatever It May Bring

@boomchickfanfiction this was inspired largely because I randomly remembered your 30-day challenge, went back to reread them, and rediscover your D&D au. And then got seriously inspired by the remake because I’ve got this colossal D&D universe that I’ve never written or posted anything for. Which is a shame.

So, thanks for reinspiring me!

(Potential spoilers for FFVIIR)

(Link to headcanon post on this; here!)

. . . . .

“They’re going to be so confused.”

“Of course they are, that’s what makes it fun!”

“Cloud is going to hate us.”

“Oh, he is not. Admit it, he’s going to be so excited to bring back the goofy try-hard jackass from the original story. He’s been irritated at what Strife’s slowly turned into across the multiverse, all because he actually payed attention in Intro to Psychology and accidentally took the “play to reality” character type a bit too literally. A hard reset is exactly what he needs, bonus points when he realizes where we’re going with this.”

“Which, hopefully, won’t be until the end of the first part of the campaign.” Sephiroth sent Aerith a pointed look. “We’ll have to be careful not to give them too much to work with too soon.”

“Tell that to the DMs,” she shot back, nudging her cousin with a grin. “Who’s heading it this time? Angeal was the main one last time, even with your parents helping him out, but are we going back to that?”

“Time travel isn’t Angeal’s usual forte,” Sephiroth conceded, “but that adventure was very much his. I’m not willing to take that from him unless he’s an actual player this time. Which, considering where we’re starting the timeline, he can’t be. Not with his own character, at least.”

“That is true,” she sighed, leaning back in her chair to stretch. “I definitely agree; it was his and he really owned it. I know Auntie was super impressed.”

“Yes, yes, mother is very supportive of dragging people into nerdom. It’s why she and Gen get along so well.”

“And that they share a nickname?” she grinned.

He rolled his eyes with a sigh. “That too. So, how are we going to pitch this without arousing suspicion?”

“‘Hey, why don’t we see if we can keep Aerith alive this time?’”

He sent her a deeply unimpressed look.

“I know it may come as a shock, but the world doesn’t actually revolve around you, y’know.”

“This one does!” she shot back with a brilliant grin. “Now help me figure out how to set this up so no one realises that we’re literally resetting the timeline.”

. . .

“Hot damn we actually got everyone here,” Barret looked around, impressed, at the barely-contained chaos of people reuniting, getting food and drinks, and discussing storylines.

“I didn’t actually expect everyone to show up when I sent out that message,” Aerith admitted. “I mean, I did send out the call for Avalanche specifically, even if everyone was invited.”

“What, ya’ thought we wouldn’t show up to a new campaign for this story?” Reno asked with a grin, slinging an arm over her shoulders. “Everyone shows up for the first and final sessions, even if they don’t participate. C’mon Aer, this is our baby. We all wanna know what new adventure awaits us on the distant land of Gaia.”

“Yeah, who’s getting possessed this time?!” Zack called across the room with a grin. “Do I finally get to come back to life for good? Does Cloud finally die for good? Do he and Seph finally bone in-game?!”

“No, that was Dissidia,” Cloud corrected with a grin, and laughter rang through the rooms.

“Oh boy, that campaign,” Genesis grinned, elbowing Sephiroth.

“You weren’t even there,” Sephiroth protested, elbowing him back with a smile.

Angeal shook his head from where he and Jenova were setting up the table. “That’s what you get for live-streaming it.”

“It was a fantastic campaign,” Jenova assured them. “Full kudos to your DMs, they did a fantastic job juggling everything and showing how young their gods were last time, especially in comparison to Cosmos and Chaos from the first two campaigns. And all from behind the anonymity of a computer and avatar.”

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at her, and she winked at him. She preferred to stay anonymous in the wider campaigns like that; it preserved her character’s image.

“It was fun,” Cloud admitted, “even if it was chaotic. And speaking of fun and chaotic, is everyone here?”

“Role call!” Jenova shouted through the house. “DM’s to the floor prompto! Avalanche and evil people, to the table! Everyone else, spread out and stay out from underfoot!”

There were chuckles and laughter as people called out jibes and protests toward their treatment, but everyone gathered just the same. With some subtle prompting from the DMs and two schemers, the people from the Midgar section of the Meteor campaign were settled closest to the DMs, Shinra (Rufus, the Turks, and Reeve) on one side and Avalanche on the other, and Aerith managed to snag Zack into sitting next to her. At his raised eyebrow she winked.

Angeal cleared his throat, and it fell quiet.

“You all have your intro Meteor sheets, right?” He glanced around, and everyone nodded. “Right, get those out and let's get some stat comparing for this campaign.”

That raised a few brows and murmurs, but the rustling of bags and binders and papers soon filled the room.

Sephiroth was careful to hide his endgame Advent Children campaign sheet behind his intro Meteor one. No reason to give anyone ideas at this stage. The anticipation and confusion would be so much more fun if they were all kept in the dark.

His eyes met Aerith’s, and she looked just as excited as he felt.

They took a few minutes to minorly rework the sheets to better suit their play style now, but the changes wouldn’t be major enough to impede the story. Good.

Jenova clapped twice, Lucrecia and Vincent finished tidying up the papers, Hojo spread out the stat sheets, and Angeal once again cleared his throat.

“Imagine, if you will, a sky. Filled with clouds, oversetting a dusty plain with rocky hills. A bird flies overhead, feathers dark and scraggly. It soars through the sky, over the plains, toward a large mass of metal plunging into the sky.”

Angeal had the perfect voice for narration, everyone was hooked from the first sentence, and there were shifts of excitement at the mention of the ruins of Midgar.

“Carried up by the wind, if flies into a cloudbank, navigating through large metal beams and poles. With a burst of sunlight, it emerges on the other side- overtop of a thriving metropolis.”

There was a burst of noise at that. Gasps and shouts of surprise at the realization that these weren’t ruins, and it probably wasn’t Edge.

Jenova called for quiet, and all the DMs looked amused.

“So what, we doin’ a time-skip?” Cid raised a brow.

“No, that doesn’t make sense.” Elena dug through her notes. “In the AC campaign it opened with a five hundred year time-skip and Midgar was a jungle, remember?”

“Yep, Nanaki and his cubs were overlooking it,” Kunsel confirmed, pulling out the concept sheet he’d sketched out at the time, as well as the character sheet he hadn’t yet gotten to use. Apparently he wouldn’t get to use it this campaign either. Darn. He had tons of cool stuff Nanaki had learned over those five hundred years.

“That doesn’t necessarily mean that we didn’t time skip,” Rufus pointed out. “It just means that we’re before it was reclaimed by the Planet. It could be a two or three hundred year time skip, and we’re descendents. A city could easily be totally reclaimed in a hundred years or less.

“Or,” Cloud cut in, “we could just wait and see what nefarious plot our DMs have in store.”

“I just got done with the Number 3 campaign with the KH crew, so I know what my theory is,” Reno drawled, drawing snickers from everyone who followed that particular convolution.

Aerith giggled, and tried not to do it too hard. Reno would be the first to figure it out, solely due to the central part he played as Axel in that particular campaign with that group. He’d keep quiet though, just to see how long it took everyone else.

Angeal smiled at them, but continued. “It flies over the train tracks, the cars on freeways, and down between buildings in what appears to be an entertainment district. Children on bikes ride down the street, past construction crews and people loading fuel cells into cars, shoppers entering and exiting shops along the street, and cars making their way along the road. The children ride down a hill, across a road, and reach a playground with a few toys… and a strangely shaped slide.”

Cloud stilled, suspicion arising in his eyes, and Aerith and Sephiroth bit back smiles.

“Day fades to evening, to night, and as the young girl slides down, something catches her eye in the distance. She turns to looks, and watches as a large burst of green erupts from a distant building along the giant outer wall.”

More and more people were beginning to realize, and Reeve looked breathless at the description of something he’d labored at for weeks alongside Jenova, Lucrecia, Hojo, and Vincent to make somewhat realistically believable for his first campaign with them. He was blindly groping in his bag for the sketches and blueprints he’d rendered out on his own.

“Imagine, the sparks of green float up and up, into the cloudy sky, until they resemble stars- and now imagine drifting through them, through the emptiness of space-”

Oh, Cloud knew this. He remembered this from their first Meteor session. Their introduction to the fully realized Midgar, at the introduction of Reeve to their group. And, judging by other people’s reactions, he wasn’t the only one.

“Holy shit,” Barret breathed from beside him, and an incredulous grin was slowly spreading across Zack’s face, while Tifa looked torn between excitement and horror.

“Imagine floating down, down, until buildings take shape. An alleyway, and in the alleyway is a girl. Long, flowing brown hair, with a pink dress, red jacket, and pink ribbon in her braid. Her green eyes are focused on an opening from which the sparks are floating out of; as though she is receiving answers to questions only she would know to ask.”

There was silence for a moment, and Aerith counted down the moments in her head. Three, two, one-

The room exploded into chaos. People were shouting, throwing out questions and theories, laughter and horror in equal bounds on people’s faces.

“Yes!!! Oh yeah, Wedge is back baby!” Zack’s gleeful shout was the most obvious, drawing laughter and groans of protest in equal measure at the reminder of Barret’s Avalanche cell.

“Are we reworking Meteor?!” Elena looked ecstatic. “Because there is so much I want to rework with my fighting style! I have some nifty new spells that I want to try against a bigger level gap!”

“Oh noooo,” Reno groaned, dropping his head back. “I’m gonna go back to bein’ the guy who dropped the plate. Not cool, yo! I finally made everyone forget about that by bein’ a quirky idiot in AC!”

“Ha!” Yuffie grinned. “We’re never gonna let it die!”

Sephiroth focused on Cloud. “You seem conflicted.”

Cloud started, then grinned ruefully at him. “I am, a bit. I’m ecstatic to come back of course, to get Strife back before I put too much realism into his reactions, to completely rework him from the ground up. I mean, this was my first campaign as a major player the whole way through. I’m thrilled. I just also happen to remember all the horrible things that happened to turn Strife into sir angst-fest that he was.”

“Perhaps,” Sephiroth acknowledged, “but if we’re reworking it… then doesn’t that mean that you can change things this time around?”

Cloud sent him a flat look, though his eyes were warm. “I’m not naive enough to think it’s that simple. Between you and the DMs, this won’t go smoothly at all.”

Sephiroth smirked at him, that damn smirk that got to him every time. “Perhaps,” he repeated in a purr, “but isn’t that the fun of it all?”

“Alright children, settle down!” Jenova shouted, but her wild grin showed her true feelings on the matter. “Yes, to answer the question… we are, in fact, reworking Meteor. For a couple of reasons, but mostly… yeah, character development was a large part of it. A couple of people backed themselves into a corner with their characterizations, and needed a sort of… reset.”

Cloud winced, his own feelings being the most well known on the matter. “Oops,” he said weakly.

“It’s not just you,” Lucrecia assured him. “Vincent and I need to rework ours too, because Dirge wasn’t… hmm.”

“I need a character alteration,” Vincent said flatly. “I didn’t like how I played some of that, and would like to have come to some of those conclusions earlier, because some of my lack of action felt a bit too forced and I would like to see if I can smooth it out.”

Yuffie frowned. “What was wrong with it?”

“Essentially the same problem as Cloud, I took the after effects too seriously and made my character more depressed and stagnant than necessary. I’ll see if I can tone it down a bit, or at least form it into a slightly more active shape earlier.”

“And my entire character needs to just be completely reworked,” Lucrecia sighed. “Granted I use character very loosely, because she’s basically just an NPC, and since we based this whole thing on one of our high school campaigns, I am very annoyed with what I turned her into.”

“You turned her into that because she annoyed you and you didn’t like her anymore,” Hojo pointed out dryly.

“I know, but I’m hoping I might be able to fix it.”

“Hashtag-doubt,” Jenova murmured. “I, for one, am perfectly happy with my character.”

“You would be,” Sephiroth said dryly.

“And you aren’t, darling?”

“No, I am,” he assured her. “Just reminding you of your own nature.”

Murmured conversations broke out as people reevaluated their character sheets, considering possible changes. Cloud noticed Rufus, digging out a familiar pet-sheet and quickly scratching out the name up top, and snorted. A glance around revealed Zack gleefully revising Wedge’s sheet, While Jenova and Angeal already had Jessie and Bigg’s revised sheets out in front of them.

Reeve was considering his own three sheets, clearly calculating stats, as was Kunsel. He caught sight of Reno’s sheet just as Angeal called- “This isn’t Kingdom Hearts, Reno, you cannot pull Axel’s stats over to your Turk, he isn’t Lea.”

“Lameee,” Reno groaned, but put the sheet up well naturedly.

“They don’t even use the same element,” Tifa pointed out with amusement, her own sheet done with few revisions.

“Meh,” he shrugged, glancing over. “Not gonna revise stats, Tseng, Rude?”

“A few a bit later, perhaps,” Tseng responded distractedly as he flipped through his later sheets. “As of right now, however, no. I’m content until I can unlock a few higher-tier spell combinations.”

Rude nodded. “Same here. I know what I want to change, but I need higher levels first.”

Barret was grumbling along with Cid about potential mechanics later on, and Cloud turned his attention back to Genesis and Angeal bickering lightly about Scarlet’s potential and materia abilities. He shook his head with a smile, and waited for everyone to finish up.

Angeal cleared his throat once again, calling for silence, and continued.

“Long, flowing brown hair, with a pink dress, red jacket, and pink ribbon in her braid. Her green eyes are focused on an opening from which the sparks are floating out of; as though she is receiving answers to questions only she would know to ask. She starts, suddenly, as though breaking out of a daze, and straightens with a nervous glance around, as though looking for something. Nothing appears, but she quickly stands and hurries out of the alley, glancing over her shoulder as she does. She stumbles into someone, and drops some of her flowers, in her distraction. Quickly kneeling to pick them up, she collects all but one before a man carrying a box and thus can’t see it, steps on it. She slowly picks it up, cradling it in her hands, before her gaze is inexplicably drawn to the sky.”

Angeal to a breath, and continued.

“Pulling away from her, up and into the very sky she’s observing, see the building, lit brightly against the dark, theaters and shops and restaurants; further up and see the city take shape, enormous metal plates with large gaps between them, and at the center… at the center is a tower. Looming over the entire city with an ominous presence, it oversees all that goes on in the city.

Now we go down, down past the other side of the tower, down to Sector 1. A train flies along the rail, a delivery for Mako Reactor Zero. And atop that train is a young man. Blond flyaway hair and a modified SOLDIER uniform, a large sword attached to his back. As the train slows, he looks up, glowing blue-green eyes steely with determination. The train pulls to a stop in the station, and two guards separate to do an inspection.”

Angeal smiled.

“Roll for initiative.”

. . . . .

[laraslandlockedblues]

Ok actually I know the tags on my gif post I just did said I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, but I’m feeling strangely articulate tonight so here we go. Long-winded under the cut.

TL;DR - Real life is (and will continue to be) a busy bitch, a writer’s ego is a fragile thing, and my Lightning Struck series (Cullen/Evelyn) can now be considered on indefinite hiatus.

Hi! Yes, I’m alive and well and I really do appreciate the messages asking if I was all right and checking on me. You’re all too sweet and kind, and I’m so grateful for each and every one of you. Keep that in mind as this ramble continues, please.

This has been a weird year already, and it’s only March. Normally I’d be like “IT’S ALREADY MARCH?!” but no, this year...It’s only March. That’s how I’ve been feeling.

January started off with a weird mood for me. Over the holidays I had the usual  family stress and blahness that comes with adulthood, but a few fandom things happened too that put me into a rather...difficult headspace, shall we say. For one thing, I will say I’ve noticed I’m not the only one who’s pointed out that it feels like the fandom is dying. And it is. Which is sad. I feel like I only just got here - I’ve played DA for years but I only really started to interact with its fandom in late 2017, so for me it was still all fresh and new and exciting. Seeing that die down, compounded with the Tumblr wank, especially, was really disappointing.

As a creator, too, it was hard not to take that personally. It was hard not to take people moving on to other fandoms and interests and things as an indictment on my work. Rational brain knew that that was the problem, rational me knew that we were all just moving on because other things were catching our interest. It’s natural. But dumb, idiot writer brain was struggling with the fact that I was feeling like I was screaming into the void.

What bothered me more was that I even cared. I never once wanted to care about that. I always preach writing for oneself, and that’s why I write. But I hated  the fact that for a time I’d gotten so much feedback that I noticed its absence when it died down a little. And that’s not anyone’s fault, I’m not begging for comments or feedback, seriously. Again, rational me was shrugging and still wanted to write for me because it was fun and I enjoy it, but the fragile writer ego we all carry around inside us took a hit and began to doubt.

It stopped being fun. Especially because it wasn’t necessarily a total lack of feedback - it was, for me, a lack of feedback on what I was actually, currently working on. Over the holidays for some reason I began to get comments on WIPs that I hadn’t updated in ages - asking me for updates. Now, everyone has their own opinion on those sorts of comments, so this is only my own, and take it with a grain of salt and everything I just mentioned above.

It sucked. It absolutely, 100% sucked. Seeing the email notification that I got a comment would bring me so much joy - only to open it to see that it was a comment on something I hadn’t written for in a long time asking me when I’d feel like providing more content for that fic again. I began to feel like fic was a transaction and I was piling up debts. I started to feel like I owed fandom and readers what they wanted, instead of doing this for the reason I started in the first place - for myself.

I know that Rylen is niche. I know that fics that have very little to do with canon are niche. I know that Abby isn’t always super likable. I know that John is off-putting because he’s such a morally ambiguous OC who has nothing to do with DA and makes really shit decisions. I know all of that, and I’ve never expected any of those fics to get any sort of response, so the fact that they’ve gotten the response that they have still blows my mind and makes me insanely, insanely happy. And so I hated that I felt ungrateful, and that I was doubting my work, and that writing and fandom was beginning to feel like a labor and not something I loved.

The more I noticed I was struggling with working on updates, the more I started to think a break might be in order. When some RL stuff finally cropped up, the fact that I was sort of forced into a break was a blessing in disguise, to be honest. I leaned into the skid and let myself step back to reevaluate why I do this and what I want to get out of it. I fell into a new fandom and worked on random pieces of writing for it, which I threw into the voids of ao3 on a second account and only shared for myself and a few friends who were also falling into that fandom with me. I rediscovered the joy of writing and not caring what response I get. I reignited my love of crafting a story a certain way because I wanted to and not because I thought it was where anyone else thought it should go.

I remembered why I love writing in the first place - for myself.

And with that, I finally began to let go of some things, and let myself mull over decisions I’d been putting off or avoiding. I shrugged off the stress of expectation and “owing” anyone my time or effort, and I’m finally back to enjoying myself and my writing, free of doubt.

With that, I have some news, good and bad. The bad news first - my Cullen muse has left the building. I have waited, and hoped, and tried, but at some point he walked out the door and he hasn’t made an appearance since. That isn’t to say that I don’t still love his character or content about him, but personally, I can no longer write his POV or romance. The ability to do so has eluded me for months now, but I’ve accepted this sad truth at long last. Unless he’s trading banter with Rylen or Abby, his muse is no longer whispering in my ear. And that makes me sad, and for all I know he’ll reemerge some day, ready to help me write again. For now, though, that isn’t possible. Which does, unfortunately, mean that my Cullen/Evelyn WIPs are currently either abandoned or on an indefinite hiatus (I’ve tagged them appropriately on ao3 if you’re curious). If I do manage to return to them, I expect to only focus on Moments Passed and Miss Grey. As for what I’ll do about Beautiful Disaster...I’m not quite certain yet.

It did also mean that I was able to let go of something that had bothered me for a while as well. I’m almost positive no one noticed since it’s been kind of off radar for a while, but - my fic What Are the Odds has been orphaned. I’m still proud of it as a fic, but it came with a lot of baggage and my Cullen/Evelyn pairing was just ever so slightly OOC to the point that comments on it made me cringe. I’m a firm believer in not deleting, and so off to the fandom as an orphaned work it went, to be enjoyed without me having to be aware of it at all.

Now, the good news is - I do 100% still plan on writing Abby/Rylen. Their muses are still there and whispering to me, and I definitely want to continue working on the WIPs I have for them. At the moment After Rain might be slow to update (need to figure out how I’m navigating some canon plot to get me from point A to B to C to D and on). But I plan on trying to finish it as well as the others that I have for them. Abby/Ry live on, because I absolutely love them so much, and the idea of writing for them is back to bringing me joy.

I cannot make guarantees on update speed for the foreseeable future, possibly for the rest of the year. Currently RL continues to be a shitshow, as I was reminded today, and writing more than a sentence here or there has been difficult. In a few months I will also be moving, and once at my new destination I actually have a Big Project (a writing one I hope to be able to share here, if people are still around/Tumblr is still a thing) that I intend to make my full time focus. My goal has always been to be a writer, and while fanfic has been an amazing way to explore my writing style/storytelling/character voice, I have plans to get published. I’ll have a better opportunity to put those plans into realistic action later this year, which I’m actually really, insanely excited about.

If you have made it this far, THANK YOU. I love this fandom, and I’ve met so many wonderful, lovely, supportive, talented people in it and I have missed you all dearly during my time away. In no way was this a call out post directed at anyone in particular, and in no way was this a “woe is me, please give me attention” cry for help. I’ve just had a lot of thoughts and feelings during this break, and I actually wanted to sort of vocalize them because: 1) wow I already feel better after doing so, and 2) to let other writers know it’s 100% valid to need to take a break or occasionally get in your head about needing validation/feedback/wonder why we do this when it just feels like screaming into a fathomless void. It’s natural and normal and totally human, and if you’re feeling that way, find someone supportive to help you through and take a step back. Everything will be waiting there for you when you’re ready for it. And remember - do it for yourself because it’s something you enjoy.

xx

[mrchalamet-mrstyles]

2018 Fic Year in Review

@perpetuallyvex kindly tagged me in this. Thank you, Vex. I love and miss you and can’t wait to see you in a couple of months xoxo

1. Number of stories (including drabbles) posted to AO3:

I can’t believe it, but in 2018 I posted 13 stories to AO3. It’s the most I’ve ever written and why I am so grateful to have discovered CMBYN. It inspired me to rediscover my love of writing and for that I will always be grateful.

2. Word count posted for the year: 

Looking up this number blew my mind because I had no idea it was that much, but I apparently have posted 187,055 words in 2018- what??? That is the most I’ve ever posted, even during my Sherlock fic writing years.

3. List of works published this year (in order of posting):

the feeling still deep down This was the first fic I wrote back in January 2018. Timmy/Armie RPF. It was prompted by discussions in a group chat and became the first installment in my Futile Devices series which is my take on bts vignettes between Timmy’s birthday in 2017 and PSIFF 2018.

eyes like sky Continuation of the feeling still deep down, from Armie’s pov

Buttons an angsty porny one-off about that sweater. You know the one.

save a prayer It was a prompt I couldn’t resist. Rentboy!Timmy and Armie the actor. But it turned out to be so much more than I bargained for. Still a WIP but will be completed because I owe it to these characters for everything they have given me.

Between the Lines co-written with @694699 this fic took on a life of its own. Following the manic success of CMBYN, the boys’ careers are at an all time high.Timmy’s in London, filming The King. Armie’s in New York for his run in Straight White Men. Their friendship as strong as it ever was, they are still being lauded for their work in Italy, directors are fighting over themselves to work with them, they should be on top of the world.So why aren’t they?A peek into their world via all forms of communication.

white ferrari part 3 in the Futile Devices series. Timmy returns to New York but is in a really bad place. Armie continues to struggle.

la muvi star  A slice of life, bit of bts from my fic Save a Prayer.

delicate  It's 'technically' a college AU. Armie is the star quarterback, Timmy the kicker. But none of that is really important or even needed to know in order to read this. It was just an excuse to write these two getting it on. Finally. And, Armie is only a couple of years older than Timmy.

once bitten  A coffeeshop AU of sorts.

pink+white part 4 in the Futile Devices series

special delivery an excuse to write some porn with a twist?

flicker  This time last year, there would have been someone keeping an eye on it for him, taking the glass from his hand, waving off the waiter with a firm blue stare to keep him from overindulging. This year was… different. He was a real boy now. Grown up and on his own. It was fun, just not the same. My first foray into Stylamet territory (Timothée Chalamet and Harry Styles)

collaboration Inspired by Tim and Harry’s interview in i-D Vice mag. 

4. Fandoms I wrote for: 

I guess CMBYN is ‘technically’ the fandom, and Harry Styles fandom?

5. Pairings: 

Timmy/Armie and Timmy/Harry

6. Story with the most hits: 

Between the Lines with an astonishing 34.864 hits!

7. Story with the most kudos: 

I am so proud to say that save a prayer received the most with a staggering 1347 kudos!

8. Story with the most comments: 

Between the Lines has 2693 comments, but 6 and I both tried to respond to everything in the beginning, so the numbers may be skewed a bit due to that.

save a prayer received 1665 comments which I think is nothing to sneeze at for a solo act. 

9. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

I am definitely most proud of save a prayer. I started that fic with the idea to make it a sexy, cute romp but somewhere along the way, those boys decided they really had some issues to work out. It’s not been an easy ride, but it’s helped me in ways I never saw coming. It was the first Timmy/Armie AU in this fandom, and I’ll always be proud of that.

I’m also really proud of the Futile Devices series. There’s something very pure and ‘true’ about this series. 

10. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

It’s not that I’m not proud of them all, but I know there are some that could definitely be better, given more time, but I’ll leave that up to readers to decide.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

“Really? Then tell me, Armie Hammer , these real friends, how many of them know you can’t sleep at night? How many of them know you are scared fucking shitless about this film coming out?” Timmy steps up close, lifting his chin, close enough they are nearly chest to chest. Armie holds his breath. “How many of them know you want to fuck a rentboy while you have him tied up and defenseless? No wonder you’re divorced. Does your ex know what a fucking pervert you are?”

Armie shoves him before he knows what he’s done and Timmy stumbles back, somehow managing to stay upright, his face a study in shock.

Armie is shaking, fighting the urge to hit something. He’s so much bigger, stronger, than Timmy; knows it would take nothing to really hurt him. He doesn’t want Timmy to become his target— a victim in yet another instance of his life— so Armie moves away, shoving his hands in the pockets of his track pants.

He has no idea what to say. There is no response, not an honest one. Everything Timmy  said, he knows is somehow the truth. No one knows him. Not really. And he hates it. Armie never meant for it to be this way, unclear exactly how it had— isolated and lonely.

“You’re right. No one knows. I don’t even know how you know.”

Floor to ceiling windows flank the fireplace of Armie’s living room. He makes his way over to stand, looking past his own shallow reflection to the ocean beyond, black and endless.

Armie isn’t sure how long he’s stood there and knows he probably could have stood there forever if Timmy hadn’t spoken up.

“Sorry,” his voice barely loud enough to hear from where Armie stands.

Armie shrugs and looks at Timmy’s reflection behind him in the glass. Their eyes meet before Armie lifts his hand, pressing it against the cool, smooth surface— the only safe way he knows how to touch Timmy.

12. Share or describe a favorite review you received: 

Man, they’re all like my children, I can’t pick just one. I do have to say that I’ve never before experienced the kind of feedback and heartfelt messages that I’ve garnered from a lot of my fic. To have people tell me that I’ve inspired them? That they re-read my fics. It’s what every writer dreams of hearing.

13. A time when writing was really, really hard: 

The last half of 2018 was hard for me. Health issues, personal issues, fandom issues. It was a tsunami of funk that left me reeling and without the desire to get words on the page. I waffled on the daily on whether to delete everything entirely, whether it was worth the trouble to try and post anything for this fandom anymore. I think I’ve started to turn a page and have listened to friends and supporters, starting now to remember and understand I have to write for myself first. It’s all for the love of whatever I decide to write. That’s what matters most.

14. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: 

Timmy in save a prayer surprised me most. He’s helped me in ways I never imagined.

15. How did you grow as a writer this year: 

This is a hard question. I think I’ve learned the value in less is more. Streamlining words for maximum impact. Realising I value substance over flash. I need a story and not just sexy times or that sex isn’t the most integral part of a really well told story. I think, moreso in this fandom than any other I’ve ever been in, that that’s become the case and it’s just not something I’m interested in.

16. How do you hope to grow next year:

I definitely plan on finishing things in 2019. Working on original fic and branching out into other fandoms, maybe. I want to get back to writing for the love of a story. That is a feeling like no other and I miss it.

17. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): 

Hands down that would have to be @iknowthebattle. Her unwavering support and guidance and friendship has seen me through some really hard times. But her writing inspires me beyond anything else and I strive with every word I put down to somehow try to live up to her standards. (I never will because, jesus, she’s the real deal) 

And of course, I have to steal Vex’s answer here too and say, the READERS. Every last one of you that have messaged me with love and heartfelt support, to keep going, the comments and all the lovely praise, it doesn’t go unread or unnoticed and definitely makes me want to keep writing. Thank you all so very much. <3

18. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: 

Surprisingly, yes. And I didn’t see it coming when I started it, but save a prayer and Timmy’s struggle became my own as I worked through issues I thought I’d long put behind me.

19. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: 

Cheesy as it sounds- just do it. Who cares if it’s been done before, if it’s a trope we’ve seen a million times? No one has done it the way you will do it. It is true, the more you write, the better you get. Just keep at it. Let life inspire you. Fill the world with your words and love.

20. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: 

I have a couple of ideas and half-formed fics in my drafts that I hope will see the light of day this year. I know I want to finish save a prayer and try to publish it at some point as original fic. But there’s not rush. I’m not sure where I go from here. Timmy/Armie RPF may not be something I write anymore once these fics are finished, so the world is mine for the picking I guess.

21. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

I’ll tag a couple of fandom writers that really inspire me- @iknowthebattle @etal-later @dreamofhorses42 @cumpeachx

And, @cristinasea, I know you don’t write, but you are such a prolific reader and just the bestest pal, we need to come up with one of these for readers, to get your perspective. Maybe we can chat about it ;)

Thanks again, @perpetuallyvex for the tag. This turned out like a walk down memory lane. <3

[baldursgatekeeper]

Hello! So I thought I'd do this in ask form so it could be a potential resource for other people as well. You post a variety of Judaism related books. Do you have any recommendations for someone thinking about/trying to convert who's sort of overwhelmed by how much is out there (*cough*me*cough*). Books that are good introductions to different aspects of the faith?

Absolutely, what a great question! One of my favourite ones to talk about. Where I’ve written a reflection on my blog about a book listed I’ve linked it in the title of the book. The books I’ve covered here are mainly ‘introduction to Judaism’ type books as that’s always a good place to start your reading, with a couple of other types thrown in.

Jewish Literacy by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin: A really excellent introduction to Judaism that covers in an accessible and readable style the basics of Judaism, from topics including prayer, holidays, life cycle events, the Torah, other Jewish texts, and history. It’s written in an encyclopedic style with short sections on each topic, so you don’t have to read it cover to cover (it’s a hefty book) if that’s too daunting, but can jump from topic to topic and look things up easily for later reference.

Essential Judaism by George Robinson: Another hefty introductory tome like Jewish Literacy, but one I think is worth reading as well as it comes form a different perspective. While Jewish Literacy is written by an eminent rabbi, Essential Judaism is written by a layman who had a nominal Jewish upbringing but drifted away from the religion over the years only to rediscover it as an adult. While very informative, it can also be entertaining and sometimes humorous, and I think is a good book for converts to read because they may be able to relate to Robinson’s somewhat-of-an-outsider-looking-in perspective.

To Life! by Harold S. Kushner: A classic of the introduction to Judaism genre, this book isn’t so much a dry run-down of all the ritual, cultural, historical etc. aspects of Judaism, but a celebration of how to find joy and meaning in various aspects of Jewish life. I found it really spiritually meaningful and am looking forward to reading more books by Kushner, such as his work When Bad Things Happen to Good People, which explores the problem of an all-powerful, benevolent G?d allowing evil and suffering to exist.

The Story of the Jews (Pts. 1 & 2 [link on the 2], a 3rd coming) by Simon Schama: The first book of this series is one of my favourite books. It covers Jewish history from its inception to the Spanish expulsion of 1492 and is able to blend a sweeping historical narrative with intimate portraits of individual historical figures. The second book continues the narrative up to 1900, and the third, yet to be released, book rounds out the story to the present day.

Being Jewish by Ari Goldman: Another favourite book of mine, this one covers basic Jewish practices as they are expressed in contemporary times (although the book was published almost 20 years ago now). What really makes it stand out is Goldman’s (an Orthodox rabbi) commitment to pluralism, celebrating the unique things that every branch of Judaism brings to the table, as well as the little personal stories about individual’s and families’ idiosyncratic practices scattered throughout the book.

To Be a Jew by Hayim Halevy Donin: This book is good if you’re after an overview of the Orthodox perspective. It’s a classic of the intro to Judaism genre published in the 1970s and sometimes it’s archaic social attitudes show through in (albeit rare) offhand remarks about social issues, and it’s avowedly not pluralistic in that it treats other branches of Judaism as religiously inauthentic. I still recommend it if you can look past those issues and just read it for the interesting and quite detailed information about Orthodox practice.

On Being Jewish by Julia Neuberger: This is a very different book from To Be a Jew, as it’s written by a Progressive, female, feminist rabbi who talks at length on social issues and egalitarianism in the Jewish community and faith. While this book was published in the mid 1990s, Neuberger’s progressive values shine through, putting forth some opinions that were quite ahead of Jewish and mainstream thought at the time of the book’s writing.

A Guide to Jewish Prayer by Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz: This one is a little more dense and intermediate, and might be one you want to dip in and out of to look up various topics (as it was designed to be read this way). It’s a very detailed look at Orthodox Jewish prayer, with a better balance of coverage on Ashkenazi, Sephardi, and other rites from around the world than most books seem to have.

The books listed above are all ones I’ve personally read and would recommend, but there’s also a few I haven’t read myself but have been recommended by others (either by people I know, or they’re just popular/classic books):

Choosing a Jewish Life by Anita Diamant: A guide to converting to Judaism from a Progressive/Reform perspective, a very popular book.

Living a Jewish Life by Anita Diamant: A guide to putting Judaism into practice in your own life, written from a Progressive/Reform perspective again.

Standing Again at Sinai by Judith Plaskow: A feminist critique of the patriarchal structures of Judaism. I’m very keen to read this one in the future.

Living Judaism by Rabbi Wayne Dosick: A wide ranging and pluralistic introduction to Judaism that incorporates a diversity of traditions.

These are all the books I can think of off the top of my head, there are surely many more out there (which as you said is partly why it’s so difficult to figure out what to read). I hope this list wasn’t either too long or too short, and if anyone else has any books they’d recommend, feel free to add them to the list!

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2017 for my regressive side

Well guys, this is it; we’re really already at the end of 2017! Hard to believe, ain’t it? Well, I normally don’t do year review thingies, bu’ I figured I should probably do one this year, mostly cause this year’s been the best out of all the years of my life- and that’s saying a lot. I mostly wanna cover what this year has held for my regressive side, also with bits of stuff that happened in my big girl life!

If ya want, I’d love if ya made one of these posts about what this year held for your regressive side and you tagged me in it! Chances are, I’ll be reading it and replying very quickly! 

Anyways, time for the year review! It begins below the cut!

This year’s held a lot of things for my regressive side; a lot more than the previous years. I’m going to try and cover everything, for every month of the year!

January held my fifteenth birthday and also marked four years since I started liking diapers nonstop again, which ultimately led to me beginning to age regress. I discovered that it seems my regressive side is most active this month, something that’s really helpful to know for obvious reasons. I attempted to indulge in my regressive side discreetly to cope with stress, as I was still hiding this whole thing at the time and seldom spoke about it to Kaiya, my younger sister. I also remember that the month before, I stopped identifying as a chireb, and was trying to find a new label for myself, but was failing. This was frustrating to me.

I don’t really remember a whole lot about February! Not much that I can note, that is. Thinking about it, this month is kinda a blurry, confusing mess if that says anything; I just can’t remember a whole lot from it! I think either this month or the month after was when I gave up on finding a label and just settled on the generic age regressor term.

March held quite a bit of things for my big girl side; I began playing baseball, got my own room at last, and mourned the loss of a big part of my preteen and early teenagehood when Club Penguin shut down. Even with more privacy for my regressive side and my life in general, I mostly forgot about my regressive side around this time and moved on with my life.

April doesn’t hold a lot of notable things for agere, either. I do know that starting four months before, I started feeling other ages in my identity (I feel all the ages I regress to in my identity. Like, I feel like them and at times, that for example, I’m a 7-year-old trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not a fun feeling) and I accepted two without a problem (10 and 11), but I continued to deny and push aside another age I felt, thinking it seemed too young. After all, I was content with my youngest being two-years-old; or so I thought.

I wanna say May started getting a bit tough. As the spring season of baseball drew closer to the end, of course, my regressive side began trying to rise from the depths. The little girl inside me wanted attention and more space. She couldn’t keep sitting back and hiding forever.

The most I could do for my little self was watch toddler and little kid shows in private, play with my toys, play children’s games online, and color. Not a whole lot, clearly, and I was still self-conscious of a lot of this. I am sure this is the time where I began feeling trapped regarding all of this. 

June began to show signs of easier times. Baseball finally ended for the summer, which of course, led to the “Well dang; what am I gonna do with my life til the fall season?” moment. My regressive side, of course, took the wheel for most of the summer at this point. Hiding this was becoming very hard; I had to find some way to cope, some way to be open, anything. My little side could hardly take it anymore; this month or the next month marked four years since she first stepped into my life and you can only hide yourself for so long before it becomes too much (I had been making an effort to hide for a year or two before then).

Towards the end of the month, I finally reluctantly accepted the fact I seemed to regress to age 1 and 4 days later, I finally gathered the courage to make this blog, something I had thought about for a year, but could never do it. I told myself if I regretted it, I could just delete it, no problem; that was what I was expecting I’d end up doing. 

But instead, with a place I could be little, the trapped feeling began to ease. I was scared, of course, but also relieved and very happy. In fact, I was so happy that when I went to the bathroom shortly after a brief flood-reblog, I had to happy stim for a minute or two before I could actually do what I came in there for. I gave Mom and Kaiya the link to this blog. I’m sure making this blog is one of the best decisions I’ve made this year- and I’ve made a lot.

Making the blog reminded of my love for diapers, which brought back a memory of when Mom sneakily bought some for me the summer before. Talking about it here was really hard at first and took a lot of courage, but if you can’t tell, I can do it without flinching or hesitating now. After a quick chat with Mom, I decided at last, I’d finally try them whenever Dad left the house for a few hours (shout-out to the anon who sent that ask after I posted about it, you’re amazing and I hope you had a wonderful year. We need more people like you. Also, I started happy stimming when I reread the ask before linking it here).

Also, I rediscovered Small Elephant (I received the lil guy as a gift a year before and played with him once, but never got too attached to him) around this time and idk what exactly happened or how it did, but apparently, I ended up attached to him and I still am. He’s my lil vacation/severe weather evacuation buddy now.

July was a blast! I finally tried out my diapers shortly after Dad left to help out at a vape and tattoo shop he volunteers at and by the time I finally changed out of my first diaper, I had officially decided I was wearing them for the rest of my life (not as in 24/7, but... I’m sure ya know what I mean). The only problem is that because I was used to seeing what all the a/b/d/l community advertised, I ended up developing a rash the second time I wore and had to learn how to take care of myself properly mostly by myself with the occasional help from Mom and the internet (and literally now is when I see everyone from that community talking about the proper way to do things...).

The day I tried diapers out, I tried out regressing to age 1 to see how I’d like it and well, the rest is history. ;) 

Kai relearned of the diapers this month (read it once somewhere on my blog according to Mom, then I had to tell her about a sample pack on the way, and then Mom had to have a conversation with her about it in the car when they were the only ones in there) and said she was cool with it and briefly even began joking about the whole age regression thing (in a friendly way, mind you).

I told Kim, my older sister, about my regression, and she took it wonderfully, of course. I also told a friend of mine about my regression and liking of diapers, who also took it just fine and showed a lot of support for it. 

I began to indulge more and more into this and I even had a friend who also age regressed by the end of this month (Rayyyyyyy~). 

I went to Florida with Mama, Kai, and a former (? I don’t even know anymore, honestly) friend of Mama’s and it held some interesting adventures there, too! I took Small Elephant places, regressed at the beach twice (@ Kai, psst. Remember when I trapped you in that hug and almost sunk us into the ocean? Well, there’s your reason why), got a Winnie the Pooh book from Goodwill, and indulged in some tasty smiley fries one afternoon! Clearly, this month is one of the best for my age regression. The little girl inside was happy; I was no longer feeling trapped.

August was pretty wild. Small Elephant came with me to Georgia; I don’t think he got to come along on any adventures outdoors, however. I got a jack-in-the-box style toy with a mama kangaroo and her baby joey inside. I also regressed at some point at our cabin and enjoyed running around outside just before a storm blew through. Mom chose to tell someone about my age regression without my permission (talk about a thought to occupy yourself down the lengthy lazy river) and thankfully, that person was fine with it. I was thinking about telling her not too long before, funny enough. I’d prefer permission and a warning before telling someone, though, aha.

I got two “0+ months” pacifiers that month from Mom and literally spent 2 hours sucking on them, save for when I briefly stopped to switch; needless to say, my TMJ relapsed very quickly after around six months of absence of symptoms, aha.

My ex broke up with me (I got with him back in May), despite promising that no breakup would happen 3 days before. This was mostly a good thing, though; no more worrying about how and when to tell him about the diapers and age regression! I’ve been single since and content with it. The thought of telling my future boyfriend(s) this is terrifying, but maybe he’ll be fine with it. Maybe I’ll even meet someone who also likes diapers (nonsexually, mind you) and age regresses as well! I imagine that’s a once in a blue moon thing, though.

We also told Dad about my regression and he took it fine, something that surprised me, as I was genuinely not expecting it. Mom didn’t tell him a lot and eventually, decided to back off for a bit temporarily after mentioning that I “liked to act like a 7/5-year-old sometimes” and that I liked pacifiers and wanted one (this was after I got mine). According to Mom, he didn’t respond to the pacifiers thing and honestly, it’s still kinda scary (if it’s the no reply I think it is, I got him to do it back in October and it’s really unsettling). I don’t know what it means and I don’t think I want to know. He still doesn’t know about the pacifiers to this day. It’s wild.

September held its own adventures. I finally rediscovered an old bag of Mom’s (I mostly remember it because she had it when I was an ‘’actual’’ toddler) and what’s inside? A baby bottle I held on to for three years from when my parents had me treat Puzzle Piece as if he were a baby, thinking it’d rid of my age regression tendencies (if anything, I think this just fed it tbh). I planned to wash it and perhaps try it out or look into a new one.

This also held a notable visit from my older sister. She was told about my liking of diapers and you probably guessed it, her response was coming to my room (I panicked and ran away while she was on the way to the living room after Mom called her in there), giving me a hug, and saying, “I love and support you no matter what you do”. My sisters are great if you can’t tell, and I also mean that outside of agere.

The night before the diaper reveal, Mom noticed me lying on Kim while she rocked the recliner one evening and Mom offered to rock me someday while Dad was gone, something I accepted pretty quickly. I got Mom to rock me for the first time ever two days later. Mom also told me that Dad was fine with the rocking, hence why I was rocked literally right next to him at some point, and he even said he could rock me someday. I don’t think I could do that, though; age regression related stuff is really hard to do around him, and I’d be too worried about his back (he has a bad back).

That month, the day before the rocking part took place, I finally gathered the courage to actually refer to her as “Mommy” on here, along with “Daddy” for Dad. It honestly feels so good to do. I just find it sad I was so scared to use those words at first thanks to the kink/sters. I refer to those two regularly by those titles, mostly to try and reclaim those words as innocent, pure words I call my parents occasionally, rather than terms that are tainted with reminders of ki/nk. Mommy’s easier to use, because I’m closer to Mom than Dad (as of late, that is), and also because “Mommy” isn’t as corrupted as “Daddy”.

I got a Pooh Bear sleeper the day of my second baseball game of the fall season. It’s soft and it makes me feel like a toddler; the only problem is that it’s so easy to overheat in it (which really sucks because I’m hypersensitive to heat and can’t handle getting really hot) and sleepers take up a lot of room in a dresser.

Oh, and this month, Mom called me a nick name she uses for me quite a bit now; “My baby”. Out of all the nicknames I know, I never thought of that. I still melt when she calls me it tbh.

October was a mix, really. I don’t remember a whole lot involving this, really. Rocked by Mom again, got another sleeper, and witnessed Kaiya prove that she was okay with the whole diaper thing by insisting she was fine with it, actually going to the adult diaper aisle with us at Wal-Mart (she stayed a bit away from us, though), and when the cashier bagged the diapers up, she moved so dang fast and had them hidden in no time. I know this because I watched her load other stuff into the cart and she was much more relaxed. I did see her look into the cart at some point before we went to check-out, so perhaps she memorized what the package looked like so she could hide them? Idk if she remembers it or if she’d even want to talk about it, so... Who knows

Towards the end of the month, something began happening. I don’t know what, but it eventually led to me becoming depressed again for a little while, but we’ll discuss that in a few minutes. I discovered I was so indulged in my regression I actually forgot aspects of myself and chose to take a break for a week the next month. I came back feeling better about agere and somewhat better about myself in general. I still don’t understand what happened, but it hasn’t happened again since. Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.

November was a pretty miserable month for me tbh. Has a few good or at least neutral parts, mostly in the beginning, of course. One of these is that I discovered that I can go so deep into my baby mindset (I refer to my 1-year-old self as a baby for brevity) that I’ll chew on things without a thought and well, perhaps that other part’s a bit tmi. I also finally tried out my bottle one evening; very comforting and relaxing.

In the middle of the month, I struggled with accepting that perhaps I did need meds after all (spoiler: I definitely need them) and stress from this, a fixation on childhood trauma, and chores, which were gradually becoming stressful instead of enjoyable, began building up. I began to fall back into a depression, something I was in denial about the entire time.

It was this time that I noticed I was having a harder time regressing, something that was terrifying to me. I was scared that perhaps my regressive side was going dormant; one of my biggest fears is that I stop regressing for good and I was scared that was what was about to happen. That was, until one night, I had an involuntary episode briefly. I didn’t think much of it and went on with my night as normal once it concluded. I don’t know why I didn’t become concerned; involuntary episodes are rare for me, after all. But then, I thought I was about to have a block, so I guess that’s why I thought nothing of it.

I tried my best to cope with everything, but it was futile. One night, just witnessing the dog we were dog-sitting have an accident and having to take all three by myself while they all cried and tried to get out just made me snap, I guess. I fell deeper into my depression, began craving to be an actual baby/young toddler again for the first time in a couple of years, and briefly began having involuntary regression episodes every night. Wearing a diaper to bed and having Small Elephant with me every night for a couple of nights, drinking from my bottle one night, spending more time with my pacifiers, and easing up on everything I could helped pull me out of it.

I still don’t understand what exactly happened, but I hope it never happens again. Also, I guess this confirms that I have involuntary regression episodes when I’m overly stressed. Hopefully the next time this happens, my regressive side will keep me afloat, like it always has.

December was pretty good! I got rocked again by Mom while I was being bottlefed by her, got a new bottle and a toddler snack, and got more toddler snacks later on that day (again, Kaiya moved them to another bag quickly before Mom gave me the bag with them inside). Dad learned about the bottles and snacks and thankfully, is alright with it. I wish it was the same way with diapers. He still doesn’t know about me wearing diapers behind his back, as you probably guessed, and it will stay that way for a while. 

I think I kinda cheated another depressive episode, but? It never came. I was just really grumpy and easily upset for a while, to the point of punching my bed and stomping, which I hardly do (heck, I still am as of right now, but it’s calmed down some). I wish whatever my brain’s doing would stop, because it’s getting rather annoying and I’d rather not spend any longer whining frequently and worrying about getting upset to the point of punching or kicking my closet door off its hinges or something. :’)

Christmas was great; I mostly got big girl gifts (see: My new camera) or at least neutral gifts (see: My stim toys and maybe my Pikachu necklace), but I did get a few things that appealed to my regressive side, like a set of five different Paw Patrol puzzles, a penguin plushie with my name written on its tummy (glitter and everything!), and an Animal Jam playset thing!

To end this year off, I got a sippy cup, one of my most-wanted regression items around that time. Now, if only I could actually bring myself to wash my bottle and sippy cup in the dishwasher (they’re top rack safe)... I guess I can start off the new year washing them after I listen to Bring Me to Life or maybe while I’m listening to it, hee hee hee.

As you can see, I had a pretty wild year full of adventures and experiences! You know what? Why don’t I mention some folks who played a role in making this year the best?

Mom - Mom, I think you know how you’ve helped. You’re literally a big aspect in this post. When I was 12, I thought I’d never have your support about all of this, but now, here we are. You’re my mommy and I’m your baby and I always will be. I love you.

Kai - Sis, I think you see your role here, too. I thought you’d never support me, either, but here we are. Thank you for being cool with the diapers and everything else and always being respectful about it. I love you. Also, sorry for almost drowning us that time

Kim - You don’t get on Tumblr anymore, but I figured you deserved your own spot here, anyways. You haven’t gotten to see a lot, but you’ve still been very supportive of all this. Thank you for being fine with it and loving me for who I am, no matter what I choose to do. I love you. Also, I still can’t get over the fact that you seemed to do so good with little me that one time and you didn’t even know I was regressed at the time and you literally treat me how you treated regressed me all the time, but I still can’t get over it

Ray - You were my first friend who also age regressed. Tbh, I’ve admired ya from afar for like, a year before we started talking, but I was always scared to talk to ya. Thank you for being so supportive, helping me out and offering help for things occasionally. Also, thank you again for the regression moodboard ya made in the past for me! I still think about it a lot, and have looked at it so much that I’m pretty sure I have it ingrained into my brain.

Bug - We haven’t known each other for long, but I wanted to say thank you for taking an interest in me and being my friend. You’re adorable and so sweet (and so is your fursona. I love seeing other people’s fursonas, ahhh). My bumblebee plushie told me to tell you he said hi~

Leah - We haven’t known each other for long, either, but you’ve been so sweet to me the entire time we have. Thank you for the times you’ve checked on me when I didn’t seem to be doing so well. We need more people like you. Honestly, your kindness is goals for me; I’m always wanting to be kind at all times and you’ve got that perfect amount, it seems.

All my other followers - I can’t list all of y’all, so I figured y’all should get your own honorable mention in one go~ Some of you I’ve known almost as long as this blog has been around (6 months!), some of you I’ve only recently gotten to know. I don’t know why y’all followed me, but I appreciate it. Thank y’all for following me, sticking around, and just being all-around cool. Y’all are adorable and lovely and I love y’all (and so is everyone else who got a specific mention. Yes, I love you guys, too).

I think 2017 is the best year for my age regression by far and the best year of my life in general. I’ve learned things, laughed, cried, shook from excitement and fear, grinned, and stimmed in many different ways for many different emotions. I can finally be myself without feeling as much shame. An autistic, ADHD teenage girl who is occasionally in diapers and often feels more like a little girl than a teenager sure is an interesting thing to be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I don’t know what 2018 could bring, but I am ready for whatever it throws at me, whether it be pie (fun fact: I have never eaten pie before), problems with other people about this, or a pack of diapers.

To all my fellow age regressors, I hope 2018 brings you lots of happiness, acceptance for who you are by others and yourself, and anything you may want for your regressive side, whether it be more toys, a sippy cup, or a lot of marathons for your favorite cartoon/anime/TV show. Even if it’s hard for you right now, it will get easier; I promise.

Happy new year!! Stay little/tiny/smol.

[peterguralnick]

Memphis Blues Again

L to R: Son House, Skip James, Mississippi John Hurt

I had never been South before.

My brother and I set out for Memphis in a Volkswagen that lost its clutch in Knoxville, and as we got closer, it seemed like I knew a blues lyric (“I’m going to Brownsville, take that right-hand road”) for nearly every town we passed. Our destination was the 1969 Memphis Country Blues Festival, which took place at the Overton Park Shell, where Elvis’ career had been launched fifteen years earlier. It was early June, hot, humid, sitting on the old wooden benches at the Overton Park amphitheater, there was no escape from the sun. But the music was magical: rediscovered (or recently discovered) blues legends like Bukka White, Furry Lewis, Reverend Robert Wilkins,

Fred McDowell, Joe Callicott, and Sleepy John Estes, all in their sixties and seventies, were the stars of the show, along with an assortment of young white disciples like John Fahey, Sid Selvidge, and Johnny Winter.

I had seen many of them before, certainly, in coffee houses and college concerts, but it was a different experience to see them for the first time in a steamier climate, and there was no question that the music benefited from the change. A new ten-album series on Fat Possum, developed in collaboration with Amazon Originals under the umbrella title of Worried Blues (most of the albums were originally issued in a limited edition by the Genes/Adelphi label in the ’90s), presents the first three on that 1969 Memphis bill, plus such other luminaries as Skip James, Mississippi John Hurt, Houston Stackhouse, R.L. Burnside, and Honeyboy Edwards, all recorded in what appear to be relaxed, easy-going settings at the outset of their new careers. And yet in few cases did those careers live up to the expectation of either artist or audience. The gulf between anticipation and achievement was simply too great.

Bukka White, one of the towering figures of pre-war country blues, whose 1940 recordings rivaled the taut poetry and tightly controlled performances of Robert Johnson (his indisputable masterpiece, “Fixin’ to Die,” was featured on Bob Dylan’s first album), is a case in point. To his young cousin, Riley B. King (soon to become B.B.), his visits home, to Kilmichael, Mississippi, in the early ’40s were like the visits of a Hollywood star. “Razor sharp. Big hat, clean shirt, pressed pants, shiny shoes. He smelled of the big city and glamorous times; he looked confident and talked about things outside our little life in the hills.” But it was Bukka’s music that impressed his younger cousin most, the ability “to connect [his] guitar to human emotions,” a standard that B.B. would strive to uphold all his life. Bukka (more properly “Booker” as in “Booker T. Washington White”) was rediscovered in 1963, when guitarist John Fahey, a brilliant blues abstractionist who preferred to describe his music as “American Primitive,” sent a letter to “Bukka White (Old Blues Singer), c/o General Delivery, Aberdeen, Mississippi,” on no other basis than that White had proclaimed in one of his early recordings, “Aberdeen is my home/But the men don’t want me around.” As it turned out, the letter was forwarded to the Memphis boarding house where Bukka lived while working part-time in a tank factory, and his musical career, on hold for the last fifteen years, almost immediately resumed.

Certainly the recordings on the Fat Possum album, originally titled 1963 Ain’t 1962, and made within weeks of his rediscovery, retain some of the power of his early work, and there are evocations, as there would be on subsequent recordings, too, of influences like Charlie Patton and contemporaries like Howlin’ Wolf. But it was clear at the same time that the knife-edge quality of his voice had coarsened, and the astonishing focus and fluidity of his songwriting and performance had ineradicably declined. And it was clear as well to anyone who had contact with the man that at fifty-four he was not looking for rediscovery, he was ready for the stardom that his cousin B.B. King had long since achieved. I think for me the most poignant manifestation of this dilemma came when I first saw Bukka, in the spring of 1964, as part of a folk series at the Boston YMCA, where the featured performer showed up for his Boston concert debut in a tuxedo, with little more than a dozen people in the audience (and not well-dressed ones at that) to applaud his performance.

With Skip James, the situation was somewhat different. Rediscovered in the Tunica County Hospital in June of 1964 by a trio of fans (once more including John Fahey), he was playing again, for the first time in years, at the Newport Folk Festival in July, his singular musical skills and imagination largely undiminished. He continued to develop his music, and even write new songs reflecting on his current situation, until his death five years later, but in a dark and characteristically introspective style that set him apart from almost every blues singer of his, or any other, generation. Playing in an open D-minor tuning that can best be described as “eerie” (it was a style that was confined almost entirely to his hometown of Bentonia, Mississippi, population then and now: less than 500), he sang fully thought-out and composed songs far removed from a blues mainstream that for the most part defines itself by fervor, not form. As a result, Skip never achieved anything like the popularity of many of his fellow rediscoveries, and it clearly ate at him to see the adulation that his good friend Mississippi John Hurt got from a young audience that was won over by the charm of both his personality and performance.

And just in case you should have any doubts on that score, listen to the music on almost any of Hurt’s recordings, early or late – I defy you to resist the nimble finger-picking and winsome charm of such performances as “Richland Woman,” “Louis Collins,” and “Avalon Blues,” or his self-deprecating star turn at the end of the PBS series American Epic. To Skip, though, this was little more than “play-party music,” perfectly good for dances and country suppers, as Skip’s manager Dick Waterman put it, but “not to be taken seriously as ‘great blues.’” And just for the record, Mississippi John Hurt agreed; he considered Skip a “genius,” beyond any doubt. But on the other hand, you wonder just how much of John’s irresistible charm was that very agreeableness.

There were few moments of rest for Skip, it seemed – he was ill, and he was troubled –  but I remember seeing him once with John at a Boston coffee house, where in addition to presenting their own songs in separate sets, they performed together as well. The two songs that I recall were utterly…all right, charming “Silent Night” (though you haven’t heard “Silent Night” until you hear Solomon Burke’s soaring, soulful version, recorded live in a Georgia church at the blazing height of summer) and Jimmie Rodgers’ epochal country (as in country music) blues “Waiting for a Train.” But let’s pause here for a moment, if only to recall all the different strands that go into all the different kinds of music. Jimmie Rodgers, as I’m sure everyone knows, was almost universally hailed as “The Father of Country Music,” and to all intents and purposes he was. And yet his music drew upon the most diverse sources, not the least of which was the ululating blues of Tommy Johnson, who (just to illustrate some of the complications endemic to every form of cultural transliteration) greatly influenced that purest of all blues singers, Howlin’ Wolf, who in turn cited as one of his greatest inspirations none other than…Jimmie Rodgers.

This was all, for me, in 1969, a vast unexplored land, and like every realm of the imagination it remains so to this day. There are always going to be new, or overlooked, or simply misconstrued, treasures to discover, there are always new and unexpected connections to be made. And I hope this is not beginning to sound like, ‘There were giants that walked the earth in those days,’ and that with the passing of those giants this kind of music is no more – that isn’t what I mean at all. If you need a mantra, just remember the lesson of the Internet, nothing ever really disappears, and listen to the music of new champions of the old and new, like the North Mississippi Allstars’ Luther and Cody Dickinson, who learned at the feet of such legendary champions of the hill country style as R.L Burnside and Junior Kimbrough and Otha Turner, listen to no less dedicated disciples like Dan Auerbach or Paul Burch or Colin Linden, or poetic practitioners like Kevin Gordon – and who knows how many more?

Because by now it should be clear there’s no end in sight – how could there be, unless we’re talking the twilight of the gods or the inescapable impermanence of the flesh? When I first came to Memphis in 1969, I did my best to imagine the world as it must once have been. A world in which Elvis’ performance of the Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup blues “That’s All Right” at the Overton Park Shell in 1954 stood out as a revolutionary act. And yet as I was later to learn, Elvis listened to the Metropolitan Opera, too, as a child, he went to Overton Park on many Sunday afternoons (“The same place that I did my first concert”) to hear the Memphis Symphony Orchestra play. While at the same time he was tuning in religiously to WDIA, the first all-black station in the country. And listening every night to DJ Dewey Phillips’ aptly named Red, Hot, and Blue show, which mixed r&b and pop, the sacred and the profane, the trivial and the profound for a black-and-white audience that competed in its fervor for both the music and its egalitarian champion. It took a long time for me to disimagine categories, but as Howlin’ Wolf said the first time we met, in response to one of those foolish questions we all tend to ask, like, What did he think of all these white kids, like the Rolling Stones, who had so recently adopted his music? Well, he said, he liked Paul Butterfield, “he grown up in it just like that other boy out in California, [who did] that ‘Hound Dog’ number.” You mean Elvis Presley? I finally managed to blurt out – I mean, I was caught. “Yeah,” said Wolf impatiently, as if the reference should have been obvious to anyone. “Elvis Presley,” he said, “he made it his way.”

Which only goes to show that nothing ever really changes. Marketing strategies (which, after all, is all that categories are) may rise and fall, but to the democratic listener they are beside the point. The music calls attention to itself, and then takes you somewhere else. It isn’t really any different than going to Memphis was for me in the first place. One thing inevitably leads to another, and before you know it, you are caught up in the ecstatic dance, the ecstatic trance of the music. But just remember: If you’re going to Brownsville, take that right-hand road.

This piece appeared in a slightly different form on The Oxford American website.

[textsfromumbridge]

Can you do the second reunited au with the singer for Enjonine? :D

“this is so unfair there’s this song getting popular and the singer sounds like you and all these lyrics almost sound like they could be about me but you’re singing about lost love and you weren’t in love with me wait I’m watching the music video and crying and hey that’s definitely you wtf” au

(for you, always, even doing this TWICE because my laptop fucked up and closed the wrong thing and made me lose EVERYTHING)

…

Her arms are held tightly behind her back by a burly security guard, while his comrade talks into a walkie. It leaves her free to kick at him, but she doesn’t appear to be doing much damage to him, seeing as he’s a head taller and about three or four times her weight. 

“This is a violation of my rights,” she hollers as loudly as she possibly can. “I didn’t do anything and then mister Gorilla just grabbed me.”

How she ended up like this? Well, that is quite a story. 

This whole thing started back in freshman year of high school, when she had a stupid crush on her old neighbor Marius. He’d just always been nice to her even when everything went to shit. 

Not the point. 

So, to make him notice her, she started hanging out with his friends, all guys and most of them pretty damn cute. And she figured, why not make Marius jealous by hanging out with these boys and talking to them and maybe doing a little flirting?!

Well, it only worked with one guy. The only times Marius ever got annoyed was when she talked to Gabriel, the friend Marius only referred to as Enjolras. 

The first time she backed Gabriel up in a discussion, Marius about had a coronary before dragging Eponine off to lecture her about how Enjolras was a bad influence and she should not be hanging out with him. 

These guys were surprisingly hostile towards each other for people who were considered friends. They yelled at each other about most everything, from general political theory to popular culture to the merits of Napoleon. Gabriel usually made more sense than Marius, but she was never going to say that to her stupid crush. 

So she continued to side with Gabriel (when he wasn’t blatantly wrong about everything), figuring that Marius would soon figure out that he was just jealous of Eponine’s support and attention. She continued to think that until Marius showed up with a pretty blonde girlfriend Eponine recognized from a girl she’d been in a group home with after the first time her parents got arrested. 

She didn’t get along with the little bird then, and she knew that was not going to change - Marius was already lost to her. 

But by then she’d actually started to like Gabriel as a person. He was her friend, even though he was the epitome of a rich, privileged white boy and there was no way their worlds were supposed to collide like this. 

Still, he made sure to listen to her point of view, and he did not try to force any charity on her and her siblings. Most of the kind things he tried to do for them were framed as being a part of a decent friendship, and she let him do that - because there had been many a time when she’d hidden him from a debutant his parents were desperate to set him up with. 

His parents were terrible elitist snobs and she occasionally wondered how they even managed to spawn such a sincere son - until she realized what a terrifying force of nature Gabriel could be. All for the sake of a better world, of course. 

The friendship lasted all through high school, but by senior year her now best friend started keeping secrets and keeping his distance from her. Clearly he’d figured out that she’d started having not so platonic feelings for him and was trying to let her down gently and with her dignity intact. 

When they went to colleges on opposite sides of the country, the damage was already done. He’d helped her so much with applications and scholarships, but they couldn’t manage to bring their friendship back to where it used to be. 

She hadn’t seen him in six years, not since that dreadful Thanksgiving sophomore year of college, and while she did miss the boy he used to be quite terribly, she’d managed without him. Even though that stupid crush had never quite gone away completely. 

That and her college friend Chetta, while amazing, could not quite replace her Gabe. And he was hers, in a lot of the ways that mattered - that nickname was hers and hers alone. But now, after six years? There was no telling how many boys and girls would have been allowed to call him that over the years. 

Even though she definitely worked with a big part of their target demographic, she’d barely heard of Les Amis de L’ABC - only to understand the French pun inherent in their name (her high school fosters had taught her that language). But they were obviously a boyband, so she hadn’t actually bothered with the band members or the songs. 

Until fourteen year old Claire, one of her favorite clients and a big fan of the Amis, had a terrible day and all she wanted was to listen to her favorite band with her social worker. Eponine figured she could tune out for most of it - she’d put herself through a lot if it helped her kids. 

And then Claire played the first song, the latest single “The First To Fall”. It seemed slightly different than the average boyband fair, but it was obviously still a love song - it had to be. 

When the lead singer started to sing, Eponine just about choked on air. It sounded like him, like that time in junior year when he revealed that he was actually quite the singer and he made her blush by crooning a classic in the secrecy of her bedroom. 

“Is something wrong?” Claire was always astute. 

“Just a bit of a cough,” Eponine tried really hard to sound casual. “Just start again at the beginning.” 

Claire listened well, for once, and Eponine steeled herself. She just had to get through this one song without choking on the memories of a high school crush and her first real love. She could do that. 

Until she heard the lyrics to the chorus: “I was the first to fall / you built your barricade / I fight here in your name / feelings won’t be betrayed”. 

Feelings? How did this song sound so much like him, like them? How did this singer manage to sing her high school experience back to her?

It couldn’t be! 

“So, what did you think?” Claire asked. 

“Not bad for a boyband,” Eponine shrugged. 

Of course, Claire considered that very high praise from her usually so stoic social worker, and pulled up the music video, just to torture Eponine some more. Oh, she wasn’t doing it on purpose, but Eponine really did start to believe in karma at that point. 

She obviously deserved this pain. 

Ferre was the first one she recognized, dorky glasses exchanged for a model that was a little more hip, and his pin straight hair styled into a messy just out of bed look. He’d come a long way from the geek he was in high school, unlike Courf, who looked basically the same as he did back then. 

And then the screen was filled with Gabriel Enjolras himself.

That and a single ticket to an almost sold-out concert is what led her to this point, being held by Burly Security Dude right at the entrance to the backstage area. 

“I just need to talk to Gabriel,” she is trying to explain to Walkie Guy. “I went to high school with these idiots. You can just tell him Eponine is here.” 

Burly Guy continues to have a tight hold on her hands, and she knows that there will be bruises. She is not a fangirl, but clearly they think she is out here for nefarious reasons. 

It should make her happy that Gabe and the boys are so well-protected, but right now she just sees it as a giant annoyance. She is someone they actually know, and someone Gabe will actually want to see - or so she hopes. 

“I promise to leave if he won’t see me,” she vows. “I’d cross my heart and hope to die but I’m losing feeling in my hands.” 

That finally loosens Burly’s grip, and he actually appears to look a little guilty as he sees the state of her wrists. She would feel triumphant if she wasn’t exhausted and in pain, but at least Walkie is finally trying to get in touch with Gabriel for her. 

She waits for only a minute or so, but it feels like three days. 

“Apparently she’s cool,” Walkie only seems slightly skeptical. “You can follow the PA and he’ll take you straight to Mr. Enjolras.” 

With some muttering about how he isn’t aware Mr. Enjolras even has a first name, Burly holds the door open for her. The PA boy - is he even old enough to buy his artists alcohol? - is already waiting for her, motioning for her to follow him down a partly lit hallway. 

There’s a door at the end of the hall, and just like the last one it is opened for her. The PA waits for her to enter the room before closing it behind her, leaving her in a dressing room with just… Gabe!

“Eponine,” his voice is deeper than it used to be as it wraps around her name. 

His blond hair is longer than the spikier look he had in high school - he looks more like Danny Zuko now than he did in their version of the musical. There are hints of laughter lines around his bright eyes, and it looks like he finally filled out his formerly gangly form. 

But his bright smile is somehow exactly the same - it even has the same butterfly-inducing effect. 

“Gabe,” she almost whispers. 

He hears her, judging by how his smile gets impossibly wider. He’s pretty much giving the Joker a run for his money at this point. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he breathes. 

Before she can say another word, he pulls her in close for a hug that isn’t quite like the ones they used to share. The smell she breathes in is similar but not quite the same, but her head still ends up snuggling into his neck business. 

Oh, she still remembers that ridiculous rant fondly. 

Just when she relaxes in his arms, her arms having rediscovered their old familiar place around his waist, he pulls away slightly. They are no longer hugging, but he still pulls her into his side. 

“I missed you,” he is somehow still smiling. 

Can they really just slip right back into a friendship after six years of nothing, and does she even want that? Sure, she’d be lucky if he still wants to be her friend, but after that song she’s wondering if maybe, just maybe, there is more still in the cards for them. 

“You were in love with me?” she has to ask about the song. 

It’s been going through her head ever since she heard that damn song - he did have feelings for her then. Unless it’s all for the song, but she doubts that. He never used to be that kind of guy. 

Gabe has always been open and genuine about his feelings - except for senior year. She thought it had been about her crush - but maybe not. 

“You didn’t know?” Gabe appears stunned. 

“Of course I didn’t know you felt the same way,” she is exhausted and the words just slip out. 

He freezes briefly, and then he presses a soft kiss into her hair. 

“We’re idiots,” he mutters. 

“Not so much anymore,” she grins as she finally pulls him down to kiss her. 

[evanstanarchive]

hey ! do you guys have any tj hammond fics ? specifically completed one with chris characters? thank youu

oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. I’ll separate according to Chris characters and ones with ♡ are personal faves of mine. Also because this is a HUGE LIST it’s now under a read more :D

The ships in this list are: TJ x Johnny Storm, TJ x Steve Rogers, TJ x Stucky, TJ x Curtis and TJ x Colin 

TJ x Johnny Storm

♡First Sons and Superheroes by LeandraLocke, saturnmeetsmercury (jarofhearts)T.J. looked at Johnny for a moment longer, and then a grin started to spread on his lips. He probably shouldn’t read too much into this, but he couldn’t stop himself from wondering how straight that man really was.He was rather looking forward to finding out. After having saved Boston from a meteor catastrophe, the Fantastic Four are invited into the White House where T.J. Hammond and Johnny Storm meet for the first time. What starts as a one night stand there, continues as casual arrangement and opens the door to more than either of them bargained for.

never mind the why and wherefore byluninosityTJ Hammond, thirteen weeks sober and lurking near the gala’s open bar as a kind of test of nonexistent willpower, saw Johnny Storm from across the room and thought: someone should dance with him. (Warning: Dom/sub play)

TJ x Colin Shea *Disclaimer: No mod has read any of these yet!

Head in the Clouds, Waking Up on the Floor by blessyourdoubtsAfter breaking up with Ally, the woman he changed his life and himself for, Colin feels lost and like the biggest failure. But then he meets TJ Hammond, his new boss. Beautiful, confident, unbearably sexy TJ. Who also has a whole mountain of problems to deal with.Can they be good for each other or is this a disaster waiting to happen? (Part 1 of I’m in love with him, mom!)

I’m on Sinking Sand by blessyourdoubtsWhen Colin invited him over, TJ didn’t expect football, booze and a frat boy gathering.Come to think of it, there was a lot TJ didn’t expect. (part 2 of I’m in love with him, mom!)

This is just warm up by tintentodAll Colin needed to be his old self again were three things: music, friends, and food. Then TJ Hammond came along and reminded him there was another thing he really loved and that was sex.

Fever Pitch by tattooeddevil Written for a prompt at comment-fic on LJ: TJ comes down with something and Colin’s actually a pretty good caretaker"Chicken soup. Or, chicken and vegetable soup. There’s more vegetable than chicken, the chicken in my fridge wasn’t as fresh as I hoped so I had to chuck a lot of it, but vegetable is just as good, right? Healthy!“TJ groaned from beneath the pile of blankets. “Colin, I swear to God, if you don’t stop babbling–”

TJ x Steve Rogers

♡Turritopsis by LaLaCat1HYDRA goes too far and injures the Winter Soldier beyond repair. They turn to a dangerous new procedure to reverse the ageing process and, hopefully, the harm they have done to their greatest weapon. Fast forward thirty years to TJ Hammond, a late night kidnapping, and a blond man who feels like home coming to his rescue. (also may be considered Stucky since TJ is Bucky)

♡Hell of A Good Universe Next Door (Let’s Go) by Bond_GirlOr how T. J. Hammond went looking for himself - and kept running into Steve Rogers’ broad chest along the way.If this is a love story, it was inadvertent. Also, ridiculously unsuccessful supervillains, dear old dead friends, Secret Service, TJ’s grandmother being inappropriate, and a lone match-making deer.

Not on any List  by melonbutterfly When Steve meets TJ Hammond, the Vice President’s son, TJ isn’t in a good place. Perhaps it’s that which draws Steve to him - subconsciously he recognizes something of himself in TJ, and maybe the same is true for TJ. It’s an unlikely friendship they strike up, but it deepens and eventually expands into something else. (Part 1 of A Solid Foundation)

A Solid Foundation by melonbutterflyEverything is going great in TJ’s life. He and Steve have been together for six months, his family knows and is more or less supportive, and he and Steve are starting to seriously think about how to approach making their relationship public. Things are good.And then Steve sends TJ a text with a codeword, and next thing TJ knows Steve is on TV, rounded up by heavily armed men in broad daylight, in the middle of DC. (Part 2 of A Solid Foundation)

Second Time Around by BrendaSteve Rogers is a warrior without a war, a soldier without a mission, and a man without a plan. Bucky doesn’t need his help, the other Avengers are busy with their own lives, and not even a move back to Brooklyn has given Steve a purpose or any idea on what to do with his life.But, when he meets TJ Hammond at a charity event, he thinks maybe he’s at least found a new friend. That he’s found someone who understands a little of what it’s like to rebuild one’s life from the ground up. Someone who could help him rediscover just who exactly Steve Rogers is.And maybe - just maybe - they discover a deeper connection with each other along the way.

♡Let the Melody Shine (let it cleanse your mind) by JisaThree weeks after his ‘defrosting,’ Steve Rogers is lost and depressed, wandering the street of New York, haunted by his memories. Things only get more painful for him when he sees Bucky walking up the street. Except. It’s not Bucky.Instead he meets TJ Hammond, son of a former President and the current Secretary of State, a man troubled by past mistakes, current addictions, and his family’s political ambitions.Together they tackle their own demons and try to make their lives a little better, all the while forming a friendship that will heal them both. And maybe become a little something more.

♡The One Who Knows by Dira Sudis (dsudis)“You probably don’t remember me,” the guy said with an apologetic smile, “but my name is–”“Stevie,” TJ said as it dawned on him. It literally felt like the sun coming up, like waking up out of a long sleep, and TJ surged to his feet without thinking. “Oh my God, Stevie, I missed you so much.” (Warning: Suicidal thoughts)

Without An Agenda by kirasha, TittiWith Hydra still trying to kill the dangerous people on their list, Steve ends up protecting the Hammond family. But with some help from Bucky and the rest of the Avengers, plus a lot of confrontations with a very opinionated family, he also finds that right partner.

Mirror Image by vassaladySteve sleeps with a guy that looks like Bucky. But they aren’t the same person.

TJ x Steve x Bucky 

♡We Should Just Kiss Like Real People Do byL1av TJ Hammond didn’t expect to fall in love with Steve Rogers. He didn’t expect to want a long-standing relationship with the superhero. He didn’t expect to ever be told he was the carbon copy of Steve’s dead past lover, Bucky Barnes. He also didn’t expect the utter heartbreak he felt when Steve said Bucky Barnes was alive…and that he needed to find him. With Bucky in the picture, how is TJ supposed to compete against Steve’s real lover, when all TJ had was just Barnes’ face to begin with? If you can’t beat them…join them?

♡We Should Just Kiss On Christmas by L1avMonths after Steve, TJ and Bucky settle into their new home, TJ decides they should do what anyone does with a big new house. Celebrate Christmas by throwing a party, inviting Bucky’s extended family and the remaining Howling Commandos to stay with them for the week and pray to God nothing goes wrong. So grab a glass of eggnog, make sure the presents are all wrapped and double check that turkey because this is Christmas– Steve, TJ and Bucky style.

I Think I fell In Love Again by abbeyjewelThe fingers in his hair were gentle, but tugged enough so that he could feel the pull. He nuzzled at Steve’s knee and let out a contented sigh. Never had he thought he’d feel this happy. If you had told him a year ago he could feel like this, well, he wouldn’t have believed a word of it. (Warning: BDSM)

TJ x Curtis Everett

Without reservation, without restraint by boopboop(This is a multi pairing kink prompt posting and TJ and Curtis only show up in chapter 3) “I want to make you bleed.” (Warning: BDSM)

Feel free to ask for more! We have some, we just didn’t want to overwhelm with a huuuuuuuuge list! :D

[a-for-anne-blog-blog]

Blogs you picked and Why

I. Blogs I followed (I have five more than intended sorry they are all cool I promise!)

1. travelpage  > https://travelingpage.tumblr.com 2. music-and-quotes > http://music-and-quotes.tumblr.com 3. teainspoons > http://teainspoons.tumblr.com 4. thebestmoviequotesofalltime > http://thebestmoviequotesofalltime.tumblr.com 5. irisharchaeology > http://irisharchaeology.tumblr.com 6. sailingshots > http://sailingshots.tumblr.com 7. gardeningabc  > http://gardeningabc.tumblr.com 8. farm houses  > https://fuckyeabfarmhouses.tumblr.com 9. daily-deliciousness > http://daily-deliciousness.tumblr.com 10. bcsartorialist-blog > http://bcsartorialist-blog.tumblr.com

II. Why I followed them

A. Travel Page

*  Having a passion and curiosity for traveling, I have been fortunate to have had the opportunity to go on a road trip as well as smaller trips across the US and Canada. I am definitely a “map on the wall with pins where you wanna go” kind of girl and there are many pins left on the map to explore or at least dream about . Beyond my own passion and goals, it is interesting to learn about others experiences and dreams for traveling and exploring. In a travel blog such as this, it not only gives one inspiration and information about new places and experiences but enables one to see a visual reminder of God’s beautiful creation that we are all apart of, a visual testimony that life is a beautiful gift.

B. Music and Quotes

* You guessed it! I also have a thing for music. Music has such a unique way of relating to a person’s inner emotions. It has the ability to inspire, move one, create change, and new ways of thinking. Beyond deeper reasoning, it has the ability to be a bonding experience, it brings people together (whether you are learning about artists, jamming out to the latest Coldplay album or actually playing your own music). I am no expert but I can say that music definitely brings a great deal of joy to my life. When listening to music it is so important to not just enjoy the sound but to relate to what the artist is talking about in the lyrics. Thus, there are four reasons I chose this page. First, my love for music. Second, the importance of reading and understanding lyrics. Third, to have fun and be surprised by the random music quote of the day. And fourth, to learn about new songs.

C. Tea In Spoons

*  Even the sound of this blog sounds warm and cozy! Being an avid tea drinker, this blog seems like it could be perfect to a tea (yes I was trying too hard to get a pun in ). I am always looking to learn more about tea and different kinds (especially after Teavanna closed sad day :(  ). So I am pumped to do just that in following this blog!

D. The Best Movie Quotes of All Time

* Yes, like many of you, I do enjoy my fair share of movie watching and quoting. There just always seems to be a perfect movie or song quote for many moments of the day. Thus, picking this page just seemed fun and like a no brainer. Although, I realize I will definitely not like all the quotes or movies this blogger picks, this blogger’s page seemed to be the most promising on the topic. So it should, like the music page, be fun to see a random movie quote of the day.

E.  Irish Archaeology

* Now, before any of you ask, in case you are dying to know, I am not Irish… I’m mainly Irish American, which means I am an American with roots in the Old Country. As an American, I could go on for hours talking about roots because where your family comes from and their story is fascinating to me! This conversation is especially interesting when talking to fellow Americans and learning their families’s story of how they admirably came from various circumstances to this land and helped shape America the land of opportunity. However, this topic is not of interest to many Europeans and is probably not a good conversation starter in an Irish pub. All the same, call it the Bostonian in me, my ancestry, my own personality and interest or some other unknown reason but I have always related to and been curious to actually learn more about Irish culture and visit the Emerald Isle. Thus, I am pleased to learn about various topics on this page concerning just that!  

F.  Sailing Shots

* The act of following this page was driven mainly by curiosity. Everyone has their favorite season. When asked, most people say fall or spring (not to cold and not too hot) but as for me, my favorite season has always been summer. I love the classic New England dune beaches, flowers and sunshine. One activity and object that has caught my attention within the last year or two are sailboats and sailing. Thus, I followed this page to learn a little more about sailboats and view beautiful pictures of them.

G. Gardening ABC

* Gardening is a natural and essential skill for many or arguably all of us to obtain in order to maintain survival. It is a skill that I have personally longed to learn and grow in (…yes pun intended : D), as I am at least an admirer of the concept of working hard and being self-made. Looking at movements such as Urban Agriculture it is a fascinating realm and time for farming. With all the information and hype of healthy lifestyles many have started to turn towards cultivating their own gardens for fresh natural food. Thus, this page creates great excitement in learning more about a sprouting topic of interest … see what I did there : ) .

H.  Farm Houses

* Unfortunately, the name of this blogger is not the best or ideal for academic purposes (which is why I didn’t type it). In their defense, they may just be really passionate about farm houses and wanted to emphasis that. Although I may never actually know why they picked their username, when viewing this blog, their knowledge and passion for farm houses (exterior and interior ) became crystal clear. Having a soft place for farmhouses (they are very warm, comfortable and inviting) and seeing that this blogger had good material on them, I decided the pros out way the cons.  I am sure the posts from this page, when looked at, will give a great sense of comfort and admiration.

I. Daily Deliciousness

* Even if you are in a hate - love relationship, at the end of the day, aside from nutritional necessity, who doesn’t actually love food? Viewing many of the foodie blogs on here, I decided this blog was filled with the most mouth watering dishes. Cooking is yet another of many hobbies I am sure that I share with many on here. I am always looking for new recipes to try or put my own spin on. Thus, I was very excited to find this page and look forward to seeing their posts in the future.

J. BC Santoralist

*  This hands down is THE blog I am most excited about! Although, I followed this page ages ago, I rediscovered it this weekend when doing this assignment and boy am I happy that I did! To back up a little bit, one of my biggest passions has always been fashion (ik now days sometimes by how I actually dress i.e. sweats , old jeans and t-shirts its hard to tell but it is true). Way back in 2012 when I started my college pursuits, I majored in fashion design with “wanna-be” dreams of being a famous American designer fighting for modesty and woman. Leading up to my one year of pursuing fashion design, in high school, I did a lot of research on various designers and media. In a tech class, where we had to follow three blogs of our choice, I learned about the Santoralist. The Santoralist combines fashion, ordinary life and photography all in one shot showcased on a blog. Founder Scott Schuman started this blog after leaving his fashion career in the midst of dealing with personal family issues as a fun project. The fun project of capturing ordinary New Yorkers attire on a day to day basis became a huge success and led to many connections and collaborations with big companies in and out of the fashion world. The blog still continues to catch the eye of many especially in the fashion world. What is cool about this particular blog, is that this blogger took Scott Schuman’s idea of ordinary people’s street fashion in a fashion capital like NYC and applied the concept to a college campus, namely Boston College. Having ties to this university and environment makes this strike all the more at home and exciting to view. However, this is also an age group and environment of people whose personal styles aren’t really looked at or highly focused on in a critical way making this a fresh perspective. Thus, this blog is original, exciting and fabulous to follow. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sartorialist)  

[layesica]

Goodbye 2018: A Year in Review with Some Stuff Left Out

Guys… this year, I saw Dear Evan Hansen. Well… I guess we’re done here!

Yeah. You’re not getting off that easy. I would very much like to have a rant here, but I’m resisting the temptation. What’s done is done, so no point in wasting time thinking about it. 

Have I ever done this as bullet points? Do I always do it as bullet points, but don’t remember that because I’m tired? Well, here are the bullet points of a year gone by…

JANUARY

• Started the year with Pack people. No kiss at midnight. This was a continuing trend…

• My schedule was all over the place. Tech and Front of House all willy-nilly.

• Started Grad Revue at Second City. I worked with a whole new group of people because that’s how it worked for me. Worked in the office to pay for it.

• Started my second Whole Life Challenge.

• Auditioned for the Universal Studios Tour Guide Program. Got the callback, but failed the improv. This was a continuing trend…

• For fun? Oh! I went roller skating for Sandy’s birthday. I friggin’ love roller skating, y’all!

• Rediscovered the Los Feliz 3. Saw Lady Bird and I, Tonya.

FEBRUARY

• Things got a little more ordered. Grad Revue, Second City office, Very Famous… all my nights were allocated!

• I started working exclusively tech at The Pack and exclusively Fridays. Hunter asked me to host Go Sketch Yourself, so Katie D. and I did it from the booth. My very niche bad tech sketch went over so well with this crowd!

• Went to the Opera for the first time to see Candide. It had Kelsey Grammar in it? Still enjoyable.

• Met some friends at Gracias Madre. I’d been wanting to try it since I moved here. Finally! Expensive and scene-y, but good!

• At the end of the month, I went part-time at the hotel because… well, there were no benefits to being there full-time, and I have shit to do, y’all!

• Got a Conan taping in there.

• Ordered some Samoas from a neighborhood Girl Scout. Someone tried to sabotage me, but I got those cookies and put them in my face! Finally!

• This year had two themes: 1) Forgiveness and, conversely, 2) You are dead to me now. Forgiveness started at the end of this month. It was an awkward first step, but sometimes it’s good to take a first step. I guess it’s just looking at the big picture of whether, as a whole, someone is a positive in your life or a negative.

• I did something terrible. I killed Gary. He was a delightful little aloe (according to Reddit, an aloe aristata). He was in a sugar skull planter from Trader Joe’s. I couldn’t tell that I was overwatering him. I overwatered him to death. I am a terrible plant parent. I still feel awful.

• Another loss. My trusty Herschel backpack finally gave out. So, I got a new one. Not a Herschel. A cheaper one.

MARCH

• Mom and Dad came to visit. They got a nice AirBNB right down the street from me... but the plumbing was shot. So we got to spend a week at The Hollywood Hampty! (Thanks, George!) We went to a Conan taping. We went to Madame Tussaud’s… um… yeah. Did the double decker tour bus that I get for free because I sell them at work. We dropped by Eataly. I need to go back there. We got free breakfast every day!

• I went to a party! I don’t normally do that.

• I got to be in Book Report at The Pack. Buzz Aldrin was seated in the front row I had to do a quick change into an elaborate costume and ran out with my dress tucked into my tights.

• I learned that when you do someone a huge favor, they don’t always reciprocate in kind, so you should bear that in mind when you choose to share.

APRIL

• Took a day trip to Venice and Santa Monica. Walked around the canals. That was neat.

• I doggie-sat for George and Ian with Parker -- a very, very good dog. Their apartment is so serene PLUS they left me gin and tonic and an adorable call sheet with Parker’s day outlined. Nice!

• I interviewed for the page program at Paramount thanks to Sandy’s recommendation. Didn’t get it. Maybe they felt like I was too old. I don’t know. They seemed impressed with my resume, but I still haven’t been called in for an interview for a regular job. This is a continuing trend… At least I got to have some Texas-style margaritas in the build up.

• Started Sketch 3 at The Pack. Old version. Just talking about the history of comedy and other comedy nerd / writer pursuits with Mike Upchurch . This may have been my favorite comedy class ever. Got some insider Mr. Show information. It’s the fandom that keeps giving!

• Saw Scott Thompson’s Buddy Cole Monologues at UCB. Accidentally made eye contact with Bruce McCulloch. It was a very exciting night for me.

• During Very Famous’s April Show, I gave this gift to my family back in Texas.

MAY

• Gallegos visited and did Go Sketch Yourself.

• He and Eloy came to opening night of my Grad Revue — Clickbait & Switch. Oh yeah! My Grad Revue at Second City opened.

• FYC Season, y’all! Netflix had some good stuff! I got to take a picture of Emily with Marty Short which enjoying the open bar and passed tray foods.

• Lindsey came to visit. Lots of Marvel. I probably will not be seeing any more Marvel, though. Unless they hire me for that job I applied for. Then, I would love Marvel! We went to Universal and my favorite Harry Potter ride broke down. Then, we rode it again immediately. And then I had motion sickness that lasted 7 days

• Brent Forrester started a series of Comedy Knowledge Drops at Dynasty Typewriter. They were so good! He is great!

• Put up a sketch at The Pack’s Ladies of Sketch Night with a dream team of actors. Also, go to dance again, but, sadly, I always end up in the back. Too many ladies!

• My calendar simply says “BOB!” I imagine I saw Bob at something… Oh, Dynasty Typewriter! It was fundraiser for one of their employees to renew her visa or something. Took photos of Emily and a very nice BrBa/BCS fan with Bob before we walked through Murder Park to get to the train.

• An actor that I very much had a crush on stayed at our hotel. He’s been on a downhill slide for a while and was obviously pretty high. He was also a jerk to the person who check him in. But he was nice to me… and when he smiled at me while thanking me for calling a cab, I kind of died a little on the inside. I wish I had the video from our security cam, but I’ll just have to remember it in my mind. When I got home from work and turned on the TV, there he was in a terrible movie.

• Went on an easy hike to a waterfall in Altadena.

JUNE

• Went to ATX fest again! Mom & Dad came and stayed a night at the hotel with me. Lindsey and Andrea met up the second day. It wasn’t as fun because I live in this place where I’m constantly surrounded by TV stuff. They did a Better Call Saul thing, so I got to go to that. I had some TexMex. It was A LOT.

• Flew back from Texas earlier than I had planned because our Grad Revue closed that Sunday. We did our final show, then received our diplomas and t-shirts. I am now a Second City Graduate. But not “Alumni.” That’s different… and also not possible in Hollywood. I also resigned from my work-study job with enough hours to take 3 more classes. It was sad, but I needed that time back to make money.

• Took in some Fringe shows. I’m so supportive! But also, the lack of reciprocal support is not exclusive to comedy people. That’s a thing I learned.

• I auditioned for Sketch at Second City. Didn’t get it. This is a continuing trend…

• Went on a little weekend trip to Long Beach. Checked out the aquarium. Did a whale tour. Saw an actual whale tail. Had some decent barbecue. Got a sunburn. I recommend the Hotel Maya near the Queen Mary. All the cookies you can eat! And they have fire pits!

JULY

• This was a light month, but that was fine because…

• I went to Comic Con in San Diego! We got volunteer badges. I ended up catching a ride with my friend, Osiokeh, so I got to spend one night at the hotel connected to the Convention Center. So nice! Well, I spent part of the night because there was a Better Call Saul Panel in Hall H, so I had to camp out waiting for my wristband. Of course, they had issues and that took forever. Then, I slept for 4 hours then went to get back in line. I sat through so much stuff AND that place pretty much emptied out for some boring panels. Not enough for me to upgrade my seating, but I could have just not done that at all.I did not budget enough time to get to my volunteer shift, so I had to scoot as soon as that was over. My volunteer job SUCKED! Gordon was nice enough to come look for me, but they didn’t allow us to have phones, so I missed him. So sad. What a sweetheart, though. :(

• Volunteering at Comic-con… Oof! I just kept getting the wrong shifts. They were torturous! The last day was a complete mess, and I was one of the last volunteers standing… because of course I was. At the end of all this, I was like, “NEVER AGAIN!” I did enjoy finding a hotel to work at and just people watching. I guess the first year is when you learn. I totally missed the badge sale for 2019!

• I finally started Improv 2 at The Pack. Neal Dandade was great! All new people again!

AUGUST

• Did a better convention… CAT CON! Now, this is where I belong. I won a Litter Genie and the cat-weed company gave Penelope a CatIt Flower Fountain. She is obsessed! So, I guess it may have been better than weed. We may never know. I met Cindy from @foster_kittens. She was very nice… but the main event was meeting Felix. He was so soft, but so over being petted by strangers! I signed up to be a foster, but with a chupacabra in our apartment, I decided against it. That’ll change.

• Season 3 of Better Call Saul started. Then I started a class, so I had to miss watching it live. Emily and I watched the first one with… some refreshments. It was so good! I am turning on Jimmy as he turns into Saul though. Like, I super hated him right at the end there. We’ll wait for Gene to roll around. Oh Gene. My heart.

• Went to San Diego for a weekend. Nice to check it out as a tourist. Walked across a swinging bridge. Spent hours at the USS Midway. Went on a paddle boat ride. Checked out a Padres game at Petco Park. Almost died on a Bird scooter.

• Finally started that Late Night Writing class. It finally worked out. I love it. I wrote jokes and people liked them. I guess I can write them after all.

• Took a one-day class on sketch writing from improv with Kevin McDonald from Canada’s Kids in the Hall. It was fun. Lots of nerds. We wrote 2 sketches.

• Went to see David Cross with Emily. Took myself to Umami before hand. We got some Bonus Bob!

• Other shows: So You Do Comedy…? at UCB. Chris had John and Jessie Ennis. That was fun. Kevin McDonald did a variety show at the Lyric Hyperion Theater. First time there. Cute place! We sat so close. Tim Heidecker dropped a guitar stand on me.

SEPTEMBER

• Improv 3 at The Pack Started. Shaun Landry showed us how to be actors. We did prepared monologues for a class that John Conroy subbed. Shaun said he told her he wanted to tape one of them because it was so good. She said Justin. There was no Justin. No one even close except Jessica. So, I’m just gonna assume he meant me. Because I need it for this next thing…

• Submitted a reel to be a performer on my or a TPT Sketch Team. Didn’t get a callback. I’m starting to think maybe I am not a good performer. But giving up isn’t a thing I do, so I’ll keep trucking along. At least I get to feel like I’m SNL-era Bob Odenkirk. And from what I heard from a person who worked with him around this time, we have/had about the same pitching style for this level in our careers. That makes me feel better. But, like, he was at SNL and I’m at a little theater in Hollywood… and also he’s a genius… so maybe not that much the same.

• The good news is that I get to continue as a writer on Very Famous.

• I also got to play a terrible British stereotype in a sketch with friends at Go Sketch Yourself and UCB’s Everybody Get In Here. Multiple people told me how funny they thought I was in it. I accidentally dressed like Oliver Hardy, but thinner and with boobs.

• Dana Gould did Chopping Block at The Pack. That was amazing! They needed extras and, oh, how I wanted to be in something one of my heroes wrote… but also I wanted to watch it. So I chose the latter. I’m good with that.

• At work, a guy from Fox News yelled at me over the phone because of something dumb. I don’t even remember. Cool guy.

• Briefly joined an improv practice group. Quickly realized that I am too poor for that.

• Started another Whole Life Challenge. It had been a while.

• Went to another Conan taping. It turned out to be the last. September 18. 25 years and 5 days after I first watched Conan on late night television. A few weeks after this, the hour-long show would cease to be. A total surprise to me. A half-hour replacement coming in January.

OCTOBER

• Oh yeah! Back in September, Andrew asked if I would like to be in The Ointment at The Pack. Um… OF COURSE! So I got to play a character who murdered her husband… 10 years after she wrote a blog post about how she would do it. I also played an Octopus tentacle. It was so fun!

• Ian asked me to be in some short, blackout videos he was making to remind people to vote. That was fun, too!

• Briana asked me to be in her sketch for Tales from the Laugh Dimension at The Pack. Duh! Of course! I also did a couple of things with her for open mic sketch shows. It was a lot of fun.

• The best thing about all these parts I got was that right around this time, someone who was grasping at straws to make me a bad person declared that I was “angry about all the sketches I didn’t get cast in.” LOL Yeah, about that. So, I guess things do happen for a reason.

• After a couple months of looking for a full-time position, so I could get out of my living situation because of it being a danger to Penelope, I kicked that into overdrive. I wish I could have kept my old place, as I was the only one who really loved it, but also, all the sage in the world wouldn’t be able to vanquish the bad joo-joo. This turned out for the better in the long run.

• But more good things happen! Hunter suggested that I help produce a show at The Pack for Halloween as part of WPCK. We did an exquisite corpse with all-female writers and an all-female cast (but a male director because… I guess… let’s not go overboard?) based on the Bill Joel video for Allentown, the play No Time for Sargents (watch the TV version of this, please) and Ragnar Benson’s series of survival books. I got a pretty big part and memorized the shit out of my lines… only to have my entire intro skipped. So, I had some confusing costuming, but the whole thing was kind of that way… and I guess we can just blame the format anyway. It was still fun. And I got to go eat Doomie’s with some great ladies!

• Finally got to see 1970s-style Hollywood Boulevard thanks to that Tarantino movie. I was only there for the throwback architecture. Walking home after class, I saw Brad Pitt.

• Took myself to the beach again.

NOVEMBER

• November 1. The day I saw Dear Evan Hansen. I was not ready. It was so good! I cried the entire time. I tried to win the ticket lottery every day. I listen to the soundtrack constantly. I may have to wait, like, 3 years to see it again.

• The next day, I picked up my rental. I deserve a break, so I took one in the form of a road trip along the PCH. I ram some errands in Burbank, then drove through Malibu Canyon to start in Malibu. It was beautiful. How have I never been to Malibu before after 2+ years in LA? The first day, I stopped in San Luis Obispo. Oof! At least the Embassy had a good evening reception. I ordered some Santa Maria steak on Postmates and it was so good! Then, I just relaxed. SLO is not that exciting. 

• Day 2, I drove up to Monterey. It took forever. But it was BEAUTIFUL. Just singing Dear Evan Hansen songs and trying to pay attention to the road. In Monterey, I went to some beach locations, like where John Denver crashed his plane. Then I watched the sun set on the beach. The Embassy there did not have a good evening reception.

• On the last day of my road trip, I drove up to San Jose to go to the Winchester Mansion. It was really neat, but not as exciting as I thought it would be. Still enjoyable. Had an expensive burger, went on a disappointing detour trying to find a Peet’s, then drove in the dark on The 5 back to LA. Wow! There is nothing there.

• The last day with the car, I took Penelope to the vet. Got the works. She’s all good. Didn’t even need a teeth cleaning.

• Station Theater’s Can’t Tell Us Nothing won Matt Besser’s Improv for Humans contest. They did a show at UCB, so reunited with some Houston improv folks. And also someone I worked with at the WPCK thing. Worlds collide!

• Saw a screening of Stan & Ollie at IFC Fest. The acting was great!

• There was a book event for Paul Myers’ book about Kids in the Hall at UCB with Dave and Scott. Scott is a force of nature. I love him so much! Also, Paul Myers is Mike’s brother… or Mike Myers pretending to be a guy named Paul who is also his brother.

• When I was in high school and college, there was a stand up / storytelling show in LA called Uncabaret. If I lived in LA, I would have gone. Now that I do, I went to their 25th anniversary show. It was a room full of people from the 90s, still in the 90s. Not a complaint.

• Late one night, I saw that Katie was subletting the apartment she had just moved out of. A studio in Hollywood in my budget, bills included. By the end of the month, I had the keys to that apartment. I should have gone ahead and put my notice in for December 1, but I got nervous. I ended up paying rent on 2 places.

• Started Improv 4 at The Pack. Rich is great! He has the perfect personality of a person I can get along with.

• Thanksgiving at Fogo de Chao is TOO MUCH MEAT!

• Very Famous got into SF Sketchfest! Finally going to San Francisco!

DECEMBER

• Packing! That pretty much sums it up. I rented a car for the small stuff. Asked for help with the big stuff. We did it! Penelope and I are free!

• Ian asked me to be in his directorial debut at Second City — A Fonzie Scheme. We did rehearsals to generate material. It was fun.

• I saw Come From Away. I mean, after Dear Evan Hansen, I thought I would never be able to love a new musical, but this one got me. It was good.

• I got older. For my actual birthday, we went to a Yoga guru’s Winter Solstice Celebration — even though it wasn’t the solstice yet. We did some intention setting and white people dancing and healing breathing and tarot card pulling and labyrinth walking and fireside singing. Then we got ice cream. The following day, I invited some people to bottomless mimosa brunch. It was a great time! A single mimosa, followed by a carafe of mimosa, then another single mimosa is the perfect amount of mimosa. Then, I bought some corn cookies and a slice of crack pie from milk bar.

• Spent the next few days getting the apartment in order, so I could come back home to not a mess after the holidays. I did a lot, so I’m looking forward to getting home to Penelope.

• Capped off a creative year by submitting my very first late night-style writing packet. A warmup for the NBC Late Night Writers Workshop. Guys, I’ve known it my whole life: I friggin’ love late night!

• And just for good measure, my $400 (I got them on sale for $75) sunglasses broke. I was tempted to get some Ray Bans, but opted for some MUCH cheaper Target ones. RIP Jimmy Choo star sunglasses. They were good to me for like 3 years AT LEAST.

• Went back home for the holidays. Spent a lot of quality time with Mom and Dad. Saw Mark and Jacob. Didn’t get nearly enough writing done. Didn’t finish my book. At least I got to mostly relax. Mom let me win at Scrabble a couple times before winning like 12 times after that.

A LOOK AHEAD

Tonight for New Year’s Eve, Emily, Ian and I are going to see Bob and Naomi’s Not Inappropriate Show at UCB. Then later, we are going to the New Years Eve celebration at Dynasty Typewriter. They got a lot going on over there.

I tried to focus on the high points of this past year. The low points were pretty low. I’ve struggled this year, but have done my best to try and stay positive. I lived and I learned.

The word of the year for 2019 is BUDGET. I am going to set myself up with the tools I need to budget my money, budget my time and budget my food. The main focus will be finding a new job. That has been a big issue since I moved to LA. I’m wearing myself out. 

I need to cut myself some slack this year, but also continue to get shit done and be better at that.

I hope the rest of you have a wonderful year. And, if you made it this far, why are we not best friends and going to Salt & Straw every month or laughing and bitching over bottomless mimosas every other weekend? I need more of that!

BONUS

Annual kitty feet, anyone?