#I could legit write an essay on how my understanding of love ties to my experience of masculinity

[mansplainmanipulatemalewife]

describe what love is to you and who represents it in your life

why does this remind me of being in primary school?

...what was I saying?

anyway uhhh idk how to explain it really it's just. It's not really an emotional thing it's just... safety and support? Like I want a nice warm burrow that all my friends can curl up inside while I make them soup. Like a badger or maybe a hobbit. That's what love feels like.

I guess the first person that comes to mind is my dad? idk how to explain it I think I just kind of... learned how to love from him. My mother is wonderful also of course, but like... she's a lot more overtly affectionate, which doesn't really resonate with me? I'm not really a very affectionate person - for me love is about ultimately being trusted to help shoulder the burdens of the people I care about with an unconditional lack of judgement.

I'm struggling to explain it but like... when I talk about understanding and a lack of judgement I don't mean agreement. I want what's best for my loved ones, and sometimes that means helping them be aware of their flaws and giving them the support and tools to grow as a person

[katyahina]

What do you think vermin actually is? I've seen it portrayed as the actual physical embodiment of infection or smth that only grows inside strong beasts/enemies. Maybe they're not even "real", since Hunters have to choose to actually see vermin, and its just there to give encouragement and incentive to kill. It could also just be whatever the person deems impure too. What do you think?? Do you think it could be a combination of all this? Vermin is whatever the person thinks it is?? Why are they centipedes!!??

Mainly what makes this really interesting for me is because Yamamura just saw.. an ABUNDANCE of filth. Wayyy more than the average confederate. This makes me think that maybe since he was a foreigner, his untainted influence of Yharnam and different background made him really see how fucked everything was💀💀😭(??)

Oh well, that's a good question actually! Not gonna lie Vermin as a concept drew my attention from design alone (as centipedes are the best insects, after butterflies of course), plus I love metaphors! So yeah, as for 'whether Vermin is real or an illusion' question, I just...

Basically, I think Vermin is a real thing, but what is questionable is the PURPOSE of even seeing it. Well... You cannot really last long without a purpose in this shit town tho, so fair enough. Let me grab a few excerpts from what we can say about the concept so far (very cranky wording warning, because I am using the document (X) by Last Protagonist for more nitpicky wording as always)

This one is from description of Impurity rune, however yes, originally it is named 淀み (yodomi), and IS, in fact, associated with water that is not 'moving', thus it becomes dirty and all kinds of things can settle in it! I kinda owe this one to Last Protagonist again as he explained implication of water comparison in his essay (X) in a way that clicked with me, because I do understand things better through nature metaphors, and symbolism of fire in pursuit of evolution just was not cutting enough of my questions so yeah. Give me a second...

It says you can only see them if you want to, which refers to usage of the rune, that is unusual kind of 'specific' Insight? Not unlike how you can only see blood dregs with Corruption rune equipped, and I remind you:

(By the by according to LP, 'impurity' (穢れ, kegare) ties more to cainhurst vilebloods rather than what League finds, but the difference is redundant as concepts are similar, I am only picking on 'stagnation' for easier personal understanding)

Dying wills are literal translation of Blood Echoes, so in this case, you only find these things within blood-drunk hunters. In the original, there is no connection with what 'stagnation' (aka League's concept of 'impurity') is refering to, however I found it interesting that in Hunter's Nightmare, you find Vermin within old hunters whose eyes are not yellow but are like this:

Which is like eyes of Abhorrent Beasts:

I agree that it's too easy to get lost between what's just gameplay element (they did need to mark WHICH hunters you should target SOMEhow!) and what is a legit thing, but yeah this instantly made me think that you should be a biiiiiiit closer to being 'bad' than regular person to develop Vermin, plus when you attack Valtr he screams at you as if you'll have Vermin within BECAUSE you're bad, so. But okay, here is also this:

So what we DO know is that snake had Vermin within and it ate beasts, whereas Impurity rune was discovered within a "forbidden beast-eater", and Valtr is the only person explicitly refered to as such. (Lore says that rune is SAID to have been discovered inside of him, and that him surviving and eating the beast is a 'tale', but it clashes with how I see this character that he'd just assume role that isn't his, so I write it off as FromSoft doing the good old 'did they didn't they' to make us fill the gaps by ourselves. But remember kids, the most walked path is not the only path, so always explore opportunities if you like them more!)

So I presume partially it is self-inflicted. Beasts are humans, after all, just twisted and dirtied by blood into something unrecognizeable and unsightly - so moral questions of TECHNICALLY eating another human aside, Valtr very much consumed a lot of 'filth', thus that might have triggered understanding of something awful. He could have even gotten Vermin himself, but he can tolerate it, really, focusing on killing it elsewhere, who knows.

It is interesting how it says that rune was discovered INSIDE of him, whereas Ludwig and Adeline outright envisioned their runes themselves... And both have/had eyes on the inside, too. Makes me think that someone who COULD envison runes literally leaning against him to listen until they could make sense of the weird sound inside and write it down xD Just handing him the result all like 'wake up beast-eater you fucked up a big time' sdjhdsfds

However:

This one outright calls them 'illusions', I checked several times, which alludes to how they might not even be real! But yeah, with everything I already brought up, here is what I think/headcanon:

Parasites are like, definitive thing within the setting, but unlike Kos Parasites for example, Vermin cannot be seen by just anyone as it is a parasite tied to humans. Basically it's unaccessibility to normal eye - heck, even very insightful one either! - has to do with complexity of what 'humanity' IS. What the line between human and beast really IS? Is beasthood (by extension, 'evil') cultivated or revealed? So yeah, Valtr being able to comprehend the concept like nobody before has to do with his ability to draw the CLEAR line between innocense and sin - ability that he now can pass to others through the rune, but it will still allude to one's personal views. Ability that might be your doom if you are too open-minded, impressionate and sensitive (what happened to Yamamura, but about that later). Yeah maybe do not accept people who are more brain than brawl in the League xd

It has to do with real 'filth' that now almost everyone has - from all the blood-drinking and beasthood and madness and god knows what else, though, but it is evasive as even Great Ones are clearer concept than what 'nature' of human is, whether we are naturally evil and should fear it or whether we are naturally good but reject it. Connotation of beasthood with psychology is what makes Vermin invisible unless you have the rune.

However, Celestial Emissaries are examples of exceptions - being completely 'purified' from curse of beasthood (and from humanity as well...). Think back on how mind is a 'lake' and if water within it stagnates, it becomes a swamp. So speaking with a Great One brought Choir members (at least later ones) secret of being pure - basically imagine it like a river put through this metaphorical lake, but this river rushes SO fast that it is now JUST river instead of lake, and not only dirty things cannot settle within, but good sort of life can neigher. My inspiration was lack of cosmic Kin in Nightmare Realm - they cannot go to Hell! But at what cost..... It is also what drove Fauxsefka insane, as she resigned to 'cleanse' everyone from beasthood with her own hands, even if she has to do it one by one (SIKE she has ALWAYS been mad but you get the point).

It is also the basics of Research Hall experiments - early attempts at dealing with the beasthood and nasty things within humankind in general. Laurence does drop Eye Pendant - and alas, patients were a failure. I mean, their boss variant is LITERALLY called Living Failures...... With more eyes on the inside, they started to get a hunch of what lurks within, but not able to cleanse from it unfortunately. Kinda stuck in the 'lake', unable to reach the 'sea' from it. Sorry, I just get these things better through metaphors.

So yeah, I think Vermin is a real thing, but it is very abundant (if not everpresent) within humans, the only confirmed way to heal it non-murdery way is to "heal" oneself from humanity ITSELF which is a no-no, Valtr doesn't mingle with madmen! And essentially League's mission boils down to destruction of all sentient life doesn't it... But he is a stoic man with more sanity than he lets on, he just does what he must, maybe unable to destroy all 'sin' but not giving up and not taking anything less as his motivation! It is his duty to kill it once it shows up, not questioning it!

Also an idea I had is that Vermin might come in more kin/floral variant - such as Fluorescent Flowers being one of the results to 'heal' people from 'filth' pacifist way, but it led to Vermin within to like... grow so bad that it swallowed original host's body to the point of practically BECOMING it... Not unlike it happens with Snake Parasites sorta. These Flowers always looked resembling of a centipede for me, so why not

It says that he is not able to see Vermin anymore though - which I think alludes to psychology again, how he concluded that literally everyone deserves to die so he doesn't see the 'border' anymore - but when you attack him? His little speech sounds for me as if NOW he can see it again really xD You showed him 'clear' evil - betrayal, something clear to hate even more than Literally Everything Else deserves to be hated, which is fucking terrifying but that's why I love this character so much lol

[actualgina]

SO I SOLD MY BOOK

SO.

SO!!!

[Text: Publishers Weekly’s Rights Report]

I went into sub(mission hell) with a glorious mix of high hopes and low expectations, which was the only practical way I could process things: want for everything, expect nothing. My agent Elana sent emails out to editors and I descended into literal hell by playing Hades (I’ve since gotten the true epilogue, by the way).

Then a week later I get an email from Elana mentioning “fun news”—two hours after she sent it because I am a west coast timezone straggler.

I leapt out of bed! Crashed into the bathroom to brush my teeth! Fumbled for my phone!

The fun news: A PREEMPT!! OFFER!!

There were more fun details in the call and subsequent calls and emails that flew around, and this all happened very fast. This book couldn't be in better hands from my agent to my now-editor Hannah and the team at Delacorte. Hannah and I have been not-subtly circling each other ever since she read my short story “Fools” in Foreshadow. It was truly to my utter relief that she adored my manuscript, too, and we were both so excited to finally yell at each other (“You were watching me?? I was watching you??”).

The thing that I could have never prepared for is, after the deal settled in, I felt the next years of my life hurtle at me. Everything is about to change. Everything is not hypothetical anymore. The thing I'd been working forever toward—it's here. Oh my god.

Counting from the beginning, Violet Made of Thorns (formerly known as Vile Vile Violet) took four years, but the latest incarnation of my manuscript really only took root in 2019, and I completed most of it during the first half. I queried in 2020 and heavily revised for three months after signing with Elana. I'm big on big revisions, I love doing them, and I expected to do this one because it was only after this last version that I really adored this book.

If you know VMOT's inspiration though, you know it started nearly ten years ago, when I started writing a snarky contemporary fanfic just for fun.

I had only barely begun writing continuously, and I was still in my I-don't-like-writing-I-just-wanna-tell-stories phase (I was That Self-Taught Artist who wanted to make a webcomic as a teen, should’ve seen the signs). I wrote fanfic in the loosest sense: 98% of my characters were original characters or the most minor of canon, they just existed in a fandom space. The only reason I figured out I wanted to tell original stories was because I had such a supportive audience; that love was born from reader interaction. Though I keep a professional divide from my fanfic, I’ve always been open about referencing it, because without it, I wouldn’t be writing at all and besides, we’re well past thinking fanfiction is a taboo or inferior medium (and my opinion is people who do think that have no imagination re: storytelling or can’t fathom that some stories simply aren’t written for them).

The fic that inspired VMOT—it became so much more than I ever thought it would. I wrote an indulgently prickly gossip girl OC who reigns with a scathing pen and pursues a questionable relationship with the resident golden boy—and readers loved her! Okay, a lot of readers also said they hated her but also said they couldn't help but be hooked.

And as the story progressed, the silly satire became a more personal story, and so many people said they never read any character like her and that they felt seen for the first time. I got essays, y’all, legit hundreds of essays in the comments that I loved responding to (which I can’t do as a pro author, forewarning, but I appreciate any future essay writers) because I knew exactly what they meant, because I was writing about stuff I always wanted to see myself. The way ambitious (anti)heroines were rendered across media often left me wanting, coming across as wish fulfillment by and for people who didn't actually understand these characters. In this story’s case, I wanted to see ambition dissected uncomfortably, cynicism that can't be solved, romance for someone who didn't totally get romantic love, and everything tied up with a startling frankness.

So I decided to write these characters all over again, but in a completely original setting.

Writing an original second-world fantasy is very, very different from writing contemporary fanfic. I had to fill so many gaps in my skill I never had to deal with before. These last four years were spent learning how to worldbuild and introduce characters that an audience wouldn't have an automatic buy-in for and structure a story that wasn't serially written. While I worked on it, past readers would pop up and tell me they couldn't wait for me to get published while I'd be like "hahaha we'll see," because I knew the realities of publishing, but truly, it was the sweetest thing.

I don't know how many of you have been lurking all this time, but I'm glad that optimism hasn't been for naught and I will actually have a novel to show you after the long wait. This story is very different from the one you know. It's a love story. Like, really, actually, this time. And it's fantasy. Like, fantasy fantasy. It’s still blithe and bantery until it slingshots to serious (less about celebrity journalism and more about uh, complicity in imperialism and environmental destruction), but the plot, the words, the everything is different. The most obvious echoes come from the characterizations and those personal themes I wanted to explore, but even so, Violet isn't totally like her previous incarnation—and I never wanted her to be.

And I'm a much better writer now. Violet Made of Thorns is the best thing I've written. I hope it doesn't stay that way, because I have a lot more stories to tell, and also Book 2 to finish :)

Things you can do right now ♥️

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[square-blunt]

I have a history quiz due on Sunday, why am I writing this character analysis of a sixteen-year-old minecraft streamer for fun-

I am hyper-fixating on the Dream smp. This has caused many problems for me. I have been in the fandom for a semi-short amount of time, since Tommy’s exile, but I was immediately attached to him, because of the arc he was in and the relationship with c!Dream. I was amazed at how much he actually went through because I only had a quick rundown from a friend. And this ‘much’, I think, actually validates the many ‘controversial’ choices that Tommy has been forced to make. Keep in mind that a lot of these choices that Tommy made were unwilling- and sometimes both of the options have very big consequences. My name is Nix, I kin the gremlin child, and thank you for coming to my very biased ted talk. Essays are just scholarly rants, and I will now rant about this angsty block gremlin child.

I feel like we forget that he is a child. I feel like those who criticize c!Tommy forget that he’s a literal child. He is 16. And he has already been through an unspeakable amount of trauma. It’s almost sickening, the fact that a lot of these adults know what Tommy’s been through, they know that he’s a kid, and yet they treat him like an adult, and they expect him to act like an adult and punish him when he doesn’t. They expect him to make choices like an adult like he hasn’t been traumatized like he hasn’t been through literal wars, saw his best friend get blown up by his brother, had his other brother blow up the country, had his father kill that brother, and then get emotionally manipulated into isolation until he almost fucking killed himself, and then that first brother and his father blew up the same country again with the guy that emotionally manipulated him into almost killing himself. He is still a child. And the adults of the server seem to fucking forget that. Puffy is one of the only people to stand up for him, and yet no one listens to her. Big fucking surprise. But she stands up for him still, because she understands the fact that Tommy is a child and he should not be expected to act like an adult. She understands this. And no one else seems to. Ghostbur treats him well, but that’s because Ghostbur treats everyone well. I’m not saying that everyone should treat Tommy nicely because he is traumatized, what I am saying is that they have no excuse to treat him like shit. These adults should treat him nicely because they should be decent human beings (Or piglin hybrids or half-enderman or furries or whatever else). They shouldn’t be fucking assholes to Tommy especially because he’s been hurt by assholes almost all his life (on the server, I mean). They should be nice to everyone, but especially to Tommy because he’s been hurt so much. The people who believe that Tommy should ‘learn a lesson’ (cough cough Philza) and try and ‘teach’ that lesson through violence (COUGH COUGH PHILZA [and technoblade but like, techno’s an enigma that I’ll talk about later]), like, it’s not gonna work! It hasn’t worked the ten million other times they’ve tried before! Like fucking jesus the kid already lost his disks and his country and half of his family, what more lessons can you teach? Like yeah. Tommy, he has fucked up in the past. He’s made mistakes. But I personally believe that he’s been held more than accountable for all of them. Stop. Using. Violence. To. Try. And. Teach. Tommy. A. ‘Lesson’. 

Most of this does stem from c!Dream and his iron grip on the serve, and I am a firm fucking believer that he was the one to blow up the community house with the sole purpose of framing Tommy. Because that is something Tommy would do. Because he's ‘grown up’ in an environment where the only way to work through your issues is to blow shit up. Tommy knows that there are other ways, but every time there has been a conflict, violence seems to be the only way out. And it is perfectly in line with Dream’s character to know that and use that against Tommy. I think Dream also knew that Tommy would end up going back to Tubbo in the end, too. That’s another thing, I don’t think Tommy betrayed Techno. Like, yeah, Tommy left him, but he didn’t betray Techno in the normal sense of the phrase. One stream before that, Techno legit said “Oh I’ve just been using you as a pawn for my own personal gain up until now but y’know now I actually don’t physically want to kill you so good job I guess. By the way, I’m blowing up everything and killing everyone you’ve ever loved whether you like it or not. You don’t have to help me, you can just let it happen and sit it out I’m cool with that-” LIKE BITCH EXCUSE ME? Tommy has given up two lives, his disks, he’s been exiled twice, his country has been blown up twice (by that point)- and now Techno is telling him that he’s gonna blow it up again? Because you people seem to forget, Techno blew up Tubbo first. Techno. Shot. First. Sure the butcher army didn’t have to go after him when he went into retirement, but Techno shot first intending to kill Tubbo, did that, got away with it other than Tommy yelling at him right after it, and then worked with Dream to spawn withers and blow it up after they killed Schlatt. Sure, Techno gave them gear. But during that, whether he was knowingly contributing or not, Dream was corrupting Wilbur and Techno was contributing. Once again, knowingly or not, he was still doing that. And Tommy realized this. Tommy cares about L’Manburg. He cares about Tubbo. He cares about Wilbur. And Techno hurt all of them. Tommy didn’t forget that. And yeah, Techno stood for Tommy during that whole ‘this guy’s with me’ thing, but like, Techno still offered to hand Tommy over for the favor. Techno could have kept his mouth shut. But Techno still saw Tommy as somewhat of a pawn for his own personal end- blowing up L’Manburg. He said, ‘Oh we’ll get your disks, Tommy, don’t worry, but you know I’m gonna just gonna side with the guy who isolated you from everyone you ever cared about first to blow up one of the only things you have left of Wilbur but you know, government bad, they took everything from me, don’t mind the fact that I killed your best friend and blew everything up no it’s all their fault-’ Techno saw Tommy as an opportunity. Techno didn’t care about Tommy’s well-being, until maybe the day before but even then. (Yes, I know about the ax and Ranboo giving it to Techno and all that bullshit and how he’s hesitant to let anyone in bc everyone has ‘betrayed’ him but he said. To Tommy. Directly. That he was simply using him for his own personal gain). At least Tommy was open about what he actually wanted.

The disks, I feel like, are more than just disks. They represent all the sacrifices that Tommy’ ever made for L’Manburg. Notice how, yeah Tommy wanted the disks back when he had L’Manburg, but that ‘I-want-my-disks-back’ arc really picked up when he was in exile/when L’manburg was taken from him. L’Manburg and the disks are interchangeable. If Tommy has L’Manburg, he doesn’t have the disks. If Tommy doesn’t have L’Manburg, he wants the disks back. And he’s said this from the start. That’s why he gave the presidency to Tubbo was because he knew that he would be a bad president. He wanted his disks back. That want has always been there. But notice that when Tommy gets to Snowchester, he says to Tubbo “I want the disks back.” Not ‘I want L’Manburg back’. Tommy wants the disks. He knows he’s lost L’Manburg, (even tho L’Manburg is the bond between him, Tubbo, and Alive/Ghostbur but that’s a rant for a later date) so maybe he can get his disks back. One thing I should touch on is Tommy’s struggle between choosing his disks and choosing people. Don’t get me wrong, I know that if it came down to Tubbo or the disks, he’d choose Tubbo, but in little things. Like when Tubbo invited him to stay in Snowchester, Tommy didn’t respond but instead asked for his help in getting the disks. Tommy has trouble getting his priorities straight in minor things. I think that’s why Tubbo is such a good fit for Tommy. Tubbo knows that Tommy would choose him over the disks if it came down to it, and Tubbo understands what Tommy has gone through, and Tubbo understands that even when Tommy can get a little too fixated on the disks, he will still put his friends first. That’s what the others don’t get. That’s why, I think, Tommy told Tubbo to give Dream the disks on the 5th. Because Tommy realized that by saying “The disks were worth more than you ever were” he is putting the disks above Tubbo- he’s putting himself above Tubbo. And this ties back into the emotional trauma that Dream inflicted on him, he was told that Tubbo didn’t care about him, that no one cared about him, and Tommy wanted to not be that. Tommy wants to care about people, and because Dream had invalidated what care was shown to Tommy, he believes that that is the bare minimum. He believes that ‘being kind to other people’ is the norm, especially considering the way he was treated before the exile. Dream has made it so, that in Tommy’s mind, the only way to show someone you care about them is to put them above yourself. So by saying that the disks matter more than Tubbo, Tommy is putting his own needs above Tubbo, and therefore, he doesn’t care about Tubbo anymore. And he still cares about Tubbo despite Dreams, and Techno’s, best efforts. He felt that the only way to apologize is to give up what he wanted, to make sure that Tubbo knows that Tommy does actually care about him. Granted this could have completely backfired. Tubbo could have seen that as, ‘If the disks are worth more than me, and Tommy’s giving up the disks like they’re worth nothing, then what am I worth to him?’ but thankful Tubbo knows that Tommy didn’t mean it. Because Tubbo knows Tommy for who he really is when he’s not hurting, or manipulated- when Tommy is Tommy. Not Techno’s sidekick. Not under Dream’s influence. And Tommy knows Tubbo knows.

This is why, in the end, Tommy was always meant to side with Tubbo. Because Tubbo and Tommy have cared about each other from the start, meanwhile Tommy went to Techno at his lowest, and Techno, for the most part, was using him for his own personal gain. Tommy knows that he wasn’t himself, too. When Tommy offers for Tubbo to move in with him, Tommy was doing that as a sign of ‘Hey, I’m trying to heal, I know I’m fucked up, and I need you to help me.’ Tommy is trying to heal. Tubbo, and Puffy, and Ghostbur (Maybe Wilbur will, too) are trying to help him heal. (Ghostbur less so, only because I don’t think he has a proper grasp of how much Tommy has been put through, but he’s trying his best and I love him for it) And maybe, the other adults on the server will start acting like adults and quit expecting Tommy to be one. Tommy is a threat- to Dream. Dream knows that Tommy is the main protagonist, and he knows that Tommy can take him down. He’s tried to turn everyone against him, and it was working for a while. But maybe the others will understand what Tommy’s (and tubbo, of course, but I’m gonna give Tubbo an essay of his own later) been put through, all the choices he’s been forced to make- with all options being not very good, and actually try and help to take Dream down. Because Tommy does want his disks back, but he also wants to make sure that Dream won’t hurt anyone ever again. The disks would just be a plus. I’ve been Nix, and if you couldn’t tell, I am a Tommy apologist.

[abloomingperiod]

baekhyun as a bf

it wasn’t supposed to be this big tbh

you can tell by the fucker’s face, he is annoying af

k seriously tho

even though byun is all smiles and pranks he definitely seems like a serious person on the personal side

constantly asking himself if it’s the right thing to do putting u in such a historically brutal position such as dating an idol

you having to reassure him way too often that it was your decision to make, not his

“sweetie i’m here because i want to stop going off” “cool but like are you su-” “dude i swEAR TO GOD”

it’s not something he likes thinking it just happens okay he’s worried b patient to the babee

since his last relationship didn’t end up very well, he would probably take mONTHS to actually claim you as his girlfriend

seriously tho i fume just thinking about that time

it happened on a friday night when he was playing on the pc, chanyeol was calling and babyboi was like “srry cant talk rn exchanging breaths with my girl”

you were scrunching your nose for a sec but them you realized what he said and were like !!!!

him enjoying the fact his words got you so flustered and playing it cool like chill out dude as if you didn’t know we were dating by now

????????? in fact ou were so surprised bcs u didn’t even know the boys knew abt ur existence

“like... they KNOW??????”

“of cOURSE they know junmyeon would kick my ass if i didn’t explain to him why i missed our dinner last night”

you guys are so comfortable with the fact your relationship ain’t official you decided at the same night thisbis how you prefered to stay like

he’s not okay with going public after what happened in the past and you agree and support his desire to keep it private

i could write a whole essay dissing saesangs

that doesn’t mean he won’t hang out with you

after all, you’ve been friends for ages now

and the boys know abt u

chanyeol keeps biting byun’s butt but you’re okay with that

was there any other option? ofc not

talking about ass

he’s one

honestly such a tease

always finding a way to make u flustered

“babe look at me” “what” “i love you” “god i love you too” “and your ass looks amazing today” “leave me alone”

always slaps your butt

doesn’t matter the context

sexual or not

he loves him some butt

lol dates

like literally you sit there and spend the night playing and eating together

every lol date is a different dish ordered

since you gotta keep it low profile

might as well do it right

he’s an observer

constantly stops what he’s doing to admire you

sometimes you’re like watching a movie or idk brushing ur teeth

he stands there in the door frame all dumbfounded burning loveholes into your skull

you’re like ...stop it

he’s like . no

he’s so emotional i’m not even exaggerating

keeps joking around when he’s around people and everybody seems to think he’s a dork who just can’t stop talking nonsense

(which he is)

but when you guys are alone

oh boy

he’s so sensible

literally writes on post-its and places it around your apartment before he leaves for practice on mornings

not all of them are cute tho

once your friend was like “hey y/n idcwho’s dicking you down but i think the person got the feels”

you completely forgot to take off the “your taste already left my mouth. dinner tonight at 8 and i’ll be eating twice” post-it

like

he literally put it in your refrigerator’s door

you legit wanted to die

but then on other days it’s like

“i promised, throughout my whole life, this heart belongs to you.”

honestly so intense

when you guys argue it’s like a conquest to see who can act more like a spoiled kid

but basically go off with your frustrations and then one of u ends up cooling off in the shower

later either you or him get in there too asking if the other is feeling better

tbh not that often do u guys fight

most of the times is like

“okay,,, this is unnecessary” “yeah screw it”

but sometimes it gets really heated

and you’re both frustrated

straightforward speaking, you guys have sex

very

rough

sex

he’s a switch k let’s be real

loves making you beg

loves begging for you

not the type to degrade or hurt you or anything

like he’s a light dom

and by that i mean he will pound in you rough and slow until you’re begging him to let you cum but keeps kissing your flushed cheeks and tightly intertwining your hands as he lovingly whispers “you fucking love those type of fights don’t you”

loves LOVES being blindfolded

lowkey a freak but moderately

absolutely loves it when he ties you up and makes you say exactly what you want

will always stuck two or three fingers in so you have a hard time speaking

as i was saying, the absolute worst

“baekhyun... please-“ “fucking say it” “please... baby... fuck me” “hard nut”

is shamelessly vocal

groans

whimpers

desperate moans

aftercare baekhyun is a look

his hair all disheveled, dazed eyes and flushed lips

yk that look from the city lights photoshoot with his glossy skin and damp hair

yeah

he loves you so much and seeing you all blissed out after sex makes him, curiously, very very soft

everything you guys said during the argument is quickly forgotten as you exchange a few sorry’s and deep kisses in between

loves feeling your skin against his as he embraces your shoulders hugging you to his chest

you leave pecks on the scratchings your nails did on his skin and he just lays there all fucked out and smiles like 💕💞💓💘💘💖💗💞💓💗💕💝💘💖💕💞💓💗💗💞💖💘💞💘💖

and he’s horny again

it’s not like he’s a teenager he just absolutely loves being this intimate to you

and then you have a bath together bcs sticky

loves making coffee like at 6am to you so he can wake you up and have breakfast together

the type to wake you in this worst way possible

he rips the sheets off of you

regardless of how cold it is at that hour

and jumps over

“wake up egg”

as you guys head to the kitchen he sits you on his lap and feeds you :(

his arms around your waist and keeps leaving tiny pecks on your cheeks as he rests his cheek on your back and heavily sighs

“ya your breath stinks”

“you stink dummy”

sings ballads out of the blue

you’re like reading or smth

and he’s like

appado gWAENCHANHA

“shut it or i’ll rip off your chords with my bare hands”

“i dare you”

you actually made out after you chased him around the couch

so annoyingly dense

like you were taking your clothes off

his lips on your neck

and then he’s like

“btw my mother wants to meet you”

you literally froze

bra slipping off your shoulders

“????? you mother kNOWS?????”

“ofc she knows she’s my mother wtf”

“!!!!!!!!!BAEKHYUN”

doesn’t understand the concept of Time And Place

once you were on the bathtub massaging his feet after hours of practice and he was like yo ever thought about kids

i ran out of reactions so basically you cursed at him for five minutes

he was like 🥺🥺 just saying srry

it took you more five to explain to him it wasn’t that you hated kids you just thought it was something to talk about on another time

like

five years another time

maybe ten

he was like k we can have a dog

and now you have a dog together along with mongryong

a cutie called jinx

don’t ask

fucking nerd

you were like

she’s new so treat her as kindly as mongryong

baekhyun is a pain in the ass but in a matter of hours he was like

i bought the same clothes for them

you rolled your eyes but silently got the heart eyes bcs cute

loves watching you dressing yourself

especially for your low profile dates

“hm no too hard to take off”

“...a monochromatic two piece with a zipper in the skirt?”

“my point exactly”

tbh he Is kinda horny

but that’s bcs he’s mad for you

loves it when you style his hair

“baekhyun can’t you stand still for like two minutes” “oh sorry”

you’re standing there, focused on the task

30 secs on it and his hands are already caressing your tummy

you’re like stop i’m bUSY

he’s like no one’s stopping you

but keeps tickling you

idk he really treasures those tiny little details in the moments you spend together

everything is important to him

doesn’t mean he’s like insanely needy of your attention

no you’re two individuals who have their own lives and schedules

he keeps it cool but yeah he’s bananas for you

sorry his words

everything is so domestic with him

and so good

he’s been through a lot throughout the years and this relationship is the calmness he needed

and he’s the fun and lightness you needed after spending so much time trying and acting like a “grownup”

baekhyun brings back the teenager in you

but in a good way

you complete each other so well sigh

cuz you’re like all responsible and shit

he loves the juxtaposition

so do you

idk it feels right

you love like teenagers but live like adults

also his words

[enter-the-bear-circle]

Hi, can I please have a Director's Cut for your fascinating story, Walk away from the sun? I'm really interested to hear about your thoughts on it.

Thank you so much for this ask! I didn’t think I would get anything, so this makes me really happy. Long rant ahead, putting it under the cut not to bother anyone. Ok, in this essay I will

First of all, Wafts was orginally meant to be a little fluffy oneshot. In summer I got this idea where Fabrizio worked in a music store and Ermal was a new regular, very flirty and very cute. What started everything was the phrase I saw while casually scrolling through random things: “I liked talking with you so much I even started listening to what I buy” (later I included it in chapter 3). But later I came up with the idea of a soulmate au and decided to put these two thoughts together. I’m going to go through some concepts, or layers, call it how you want.

When I was coming up with the timeline I knew modern metamoro won’t fit, so in this au Ermal is 21, Fabri is 27. This way I could picture them still unsure about their musical career, their soulmate situation and life in general. This is a tough period for both of them for various reasons, and they meet exactly when what they really need is another person to “climb out of hell” together (I’m using In This Moment reference here, I could never phrase it better myself).

Speaking of songs, I spent a long time choosing the title. I wanted it to be a verse of the song that inspired the au, but there were so many of them that I simply couldn’t choose just one. That’s where the chapter titles thing came from. Walk away from the sun by Seether is a song I love to death, and I feel that Seether music in general really fits Fabrizio in this story. He wants to do something right, to escape his past that just keeps returning, but he feels cornered by his fears and doubts. He is sure he will only bring down those close to him, especially Ermal. Also I once saw a discussion on some forum where people talked about the meaning of this song, and they mentioned drug addiction, heartbreak, isolating yourself from the loved ones but also still feeling a tiny glimpse of hope. And to me this screams Fabrizio in this story, even though in this case there’s another meaning of the title, and it will be revealed closer to the end of the fic. Also the songs that hugely inspired Wafts are Pace - Fabrizio Moro, Vietato Morire - Ermal Meta (as for the characterization) and Nobody by Halestorm (as for their relationship).

When I thought about soulmates, I immediately knew I won’t make them ones. Two reasons: I love angst and this opportunity was too good to pass, and I legit don’t know how to deal with the plot where they are soulmates. The world where love is defined by your mark and anything else is disapproved leaves a harmful impact on everyone, even those who found their love in their soulmate (like Romina). Ermal and Fabrizio aren’t afraid of judgement from society, but they still fear for their relationship, especially Ermal who has a very valid reason for that (it will also be revealed in the future chapters).

I have a soft spot for brother-sister relationships, and Romina is one of my favourite characters to write. In chapter 7 Fabrizio called himself and Romina the only bridges between past and present for each other. Their bond is very strong, but even with all the horrible past in the world they escaped together sometimes it’s hard for them to be there for each other. Both of them are very stubborn and fierce, and I love writing moments when their love for each other collides with their bad temper and impulsive nature. Romina is the definition of family for Fabri also because of Chiara, his niece. At first I thought about adding children to this mess, but they didn’t fit the au at all. Still I needed Fabri to have some true light in his life before meeting Ermal, and Chiara became that light. One of his biggest fears is letting Chiara encounter the same things that were a huge part of his own past, that’s why he is so protective over her, especially in the case of his father.

Fabrizio’s father isn’t a villain, but he has some traits that severely harmed his son in the childhood and teenage years and caused the decision to cut ties with every Mobrici. For Fabrizio it was supposed to be the start of another life, life of Moro, a young independent singer. Romina had to make a tough choice between her brother and the rest of the family. She chose Fabri and fought her way through the walls he built around himself. When she tells Fabrizio that she reconnected with their father, she is absolutely sure that man isn’t going to harm her, her brother or her daughter. Fabri himself, however, thinks the exact opposite.

I had a lot of fun writing the shop gang and Giada. There is this light comfortable atmosphere in the shop, and the group has their happy moments, but all of them are there for one another and under their drunk parties and many jokes there’s genuine friendship. Out of everyone Fabri has special connection with Claudio who came around at the worst time in Fabri’s life and dragged him out of the abyss he was falling into, and Giada, the woman who could be the one for him but instead became one of his best friends, the person who was and will always be there for him no matter in what state he is (chapter 8, yeah). She is also sick of trying to fit into the frame, so she and Fabri find comfort and understanding in each other. Honedtly, if I could marry her, I’d do it instantly ;)

I have to mention A. His character was never meant to play such a big role, and chapter 4 was supposed to be only a brief encounter with just one of Fabri’s “old friends”. This chapter was the hardest for me to write as it was the most personal one. Around that time I cut ties with the girl I called my best friend for years. It was a messy breakup, it took me time to realise it’s really over and come at peace with it. Writing helped me a lot to cope. A and his story with Fabrizio are partly based on her and our story, some lines are just took from life and put into the story. Luckily, I never saw her in the dark alleys at night and hopefully never will :)

The concept of later chapters is mainly fragility (thanks to Marjo for giving me this idea). One of the main problems for Fabrizio is his overprotectiveness. It comes from many times he had to face the world alone, the times when he hated himself for having feelings, for being "weak". He struggled a lot to swallow his emotions and keep them bottled up, so he's afraid to mess up with letting all his feelings out. Ermal sees it and fries to reach out to Fabri, but his soft gentle ways don't work, and only when he loses control, something in Fabrizio changes. Ermal is scared to lose Fabri, especially when there are so many things to lose him to: alcohol, painful memories, his soulmate. So every time you see Ermal trying to reason with Fabri or help him in any way, you see him being terrified.

I should end this rant before it swallows my whole blog. Honestly, I’m very moved by all the positive feedback I got, all the kudos, comments, kind words and support in general, especially since I’m new to the world of fanfiction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I will continue this story. I have a plan, I have determinarion, I have love I received from people who liked it. If you read to this point, you are my hero. Seriously. I hope this was at least in some sense informative and I didn’t bore the hell out of you. Once again, thank you for the ask and for the compliments 💜💜💜💜

[daemon-knight]

Allen’s Rambling: RP and Writing Advice

Yeah... I don’t have a cheeky title for this one folks... sorry.

Anyway, this is a topic I’ve been wanting to make for awhile, but I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to talk about about how I make characters and my thought process as I make them. I’ve had Claudia for about 3 years now and I’ve been RPing in general for over ten, so I think I should take that experience and try to explain how exactly I do it, along with giving some general writing advice. That’s the main reason I was asking about what you guys you liked about Claudia and my general writing; so I could figure out exactly what to talk about and how to present. Most of the messages I got were... frankly few, but the information I got was more or less what I expected when I thought about Claudia’s appeal as a character. Namely that she feels three-dimensional and has some shades of grey to her morality. Those were the main points, but I want to start at the very beginning, so...

Make Your Character Simple

I’ve said this several times and I will say it again: make your characters simple. Keep your about and rules pages short, and try not to write that +5000 word essay on your character’s world building on your RP blog. There’s a reason for this. On your partner’s end, that’s less homework they have to do to interact with you. The more homework and reading your partner has to go through to interact with your character, the harder you’re making it for them. This is the main reason I turned down all the Blacklight Lore when making my OCs and try not to talk much about Claudia’s world/country. It’s not too relevant to  Claudia’s character, so I don’t bother. And on your end, the shorter/simpler your character profile is, the less you have to read when you look back at it for reference. If I can use an art example:

This is Claudia’s character sheet, it’s the main thing I use when I want to draw Claudia. I want to make a new one since I plan on updating her look and I honestly think this one is lacking in certain ways, but for now this is the current vision I have for Claudia. It’s pretty simple, giving a full body view of her, showing some key visual things like her expressive ahoge and various sizes/forms of her spear, and her armor. The only thing I’d really need is a back-view of her and some angles on her head, but this is it.

My about page has the same function as this character sheet, it’s a simple, overall look at how the character looks in terms of writing, a nice overview that shows her immediate personality traits, abilities, and background. It’s not everything, but not everything is needed to get her character. If you finish reading that about page and understand that Claudia is a tomboyish knight that likes fighting and wants to create a country that her family rules over then I think the profile has served its purpose. More details about Claudia can be learned as your character interacts with her. The only thing I think I should add to her profile is probably update her bio to explain that her small village is now a small duchy and slowly becoming a petty kingdom... meaning Claudia’s occupation will probably have to change from “Knight” to “Princess” soon... 

Huh. Princess Claudia... That’s a... terrifying thought now that I’m actually reading it.

Anyway, I made Claudia’s profile with the goal of most people being able to get a good idea of her character after two minutes of reading her profile. Honestly, I want to rework it to ease the reading process a bit better, but sentence structure and flow is another Rambling in itself.

But let me get more specific here...

Bio and Personality

Like I said before, I recommend keeping the bio and personality sections of your profile short and sweet. For bios, I’d say two-three paragraphs should be the most you have. One paragraph that covers their origins and one to two that covers their current situation. Or you can skip their origin and just get right to their current situation if it’s that important to their current situation to be detailed. I think most Wiki pages do this well, usually have a simple paragraph or two that gives a basic idea of the character before breaking into a much larger biography and personality section, but those things are hyper-detailed for the sake of recording.

For personality, I usually go with a list of adjectives describing the character, around 4 to 5 of their top personality traits. This makes them a little more flexible to write since I’m not tied down by a long spiel of detailed mannerisms, but a short paragraph works too.

The main reason I try to keep these parts short and simple is because the more detail you add, the more detail you have to adhere to. In terms of story writing, if you give me a big spiel about a characters powers right down to the smallest detail, I’m going to expect those details to come into play later, and in terms of RPing I’m going to assume you want me to play with those details or else you wouldn’t mention it.

A good example of this is @fragmentedsilhouette​‘s Amaeris. Her body gives off a cold veil that chills the immediate area around her. I try and play with that detail in a few ways, Claudia shivering around Amaeris, her mentioning how cold the room is whenever Ameris enters, and even in comedic ways like Claudia purposely trying stay close to Amaeris during hot days because she’s basically a walking AC at that point. It’s a detail that I try to keep in mind when Claudia interacts with her, and I try to do this for all the partners I write with, especially if it gives me an idea for a good plot.

Speaking of plotting...

Conflict and RPing

This is something I don’t think enough people keep in mind when making a character. Your character needs to able to create and move a plot in some way. Having a static character that’s trying to mind their own business really only works when they’re constantly bombarded by abnormal people and situations trying to create conflict in their life ala Haruhi or [ Insert Isekai Show Here ]. Otherwise, we just have a boring character with some powers and skills wandering around the world doing nothing. This is why Claudia tends to act antagonistic towards a lot of other characters. It’s not because she a complete dick (though she is kind of a dick), but because she needs to be able to create conflict for a plot to happen. That’s why 70% of her interactions are her saying some various of the phrase “FIGHT ME!” Not just because Claudia’s a fight-happy tomboy and Allen has a love of shounen and fight scenes (though that is a big reason), but because it creates an instant plot. Claudia trying to storm a village or pick a fight with some random mercenary is just an easy way to start a conflict that’s still in character for Claudia. I also have her plotting cheat sheet with several parts of her background that can play into a plot. It’s all to make it easier for my partner and I to come up with ideas. 

That’s the main thing, making sure your partner has an easy time getting a feel for your character and coming up with some basic plots/interactions. This also goes back to why you want to keep things simple, so its easier to think up a plot. Just to give a quick list of plots and interactions Claudia has had: 

A knight and mercenary who live very opposite lives become rivals and then lovers. 

A knight and ninja of noble rank become vitriolic friends after the knight constantly pesters and bullies the ninja. 

A witch fascinated by a knight’s demonic weapon constantly bugs and teases her, much to the knight’s chagrin.

Two knights of different ideologies often come to blows, one knight believing in servitude toward their liege, the other believe in servitude to one’s own goals and ambitions.

A knight constantly bothers a demon hunter to fight her, the demon hunter who is more mature and is holding back her demonic urges almost always refuses.

A knight wielding a demonic weapon and inquisitor wielding a holy weapon see the other as a scourge that must be eliminated.

A young, temperamental knight is constantly irritated by a long-lived elf warrior that continually beats her in fights.

That’s how I usually look at things when I see someone else profile. I try and think of an quick idea for their relationship and a plot, then I take it from there and see where it leads. It’s why I tend to lean toward a rival/enemy relationship since it creates the most conflict and plot. 

But moving on...

Adding Depth

Since I’ve been stressing simplicity for so long, I bet you’re wondering how I create character depth with a simple character. 

And that’s simple, I just add to the simplicity. 

Like I said, Claudia is a knight that likes fighting and is currently trying to create a kingdom. That can lead to a bunch of things. I could deconstruct her love of fighting into a twisted obsession that borders addiction. I could write about the specifics of her losing her humanity thanks to her demon spear. I could have her actually deal with the bureaucracy of running a kingdom (read her several times bitching about paperwork for example), I could play with her noble background and have her mistreat the lower class on the grounds that she just thinks little of them. The list goes on, but I think you get the point. I’ll tackle a few other points people mentioned too while I’m on the topic of depth.

Morality

So, morality is just a frame of mind. No single person is wholly good, nor are they pure evil, and everyone believes themselves the hero of their own story. Once you realize this you can really fluxuate a character’s morality so long as they think they’re in the right. 

When I made Claudia I had done a bit of research on knights in real life, and while Claudia fails on quite a few levels in terms of being a legit knight, I did keep in tack that most knights were mostly just nobles and soldiers that usually owned some land. Claudia and her family are ambitious nobles that want to form their own kingdom by conquering smaller lands. That’s a plausible thing, especially given how often people back then saw military leadership superior to most other forms of ruling since it was an immediate show of power. And while I haven’t decided exactly how Claudia’s family will rule their lands, I think the fact that they think their ambition is just due to the fact that they see it as a sort of moving up the social ladder helps give Claudia some grey in terms of her goals. 

Anyway, that’s how I view Claudia’s morality. She’s ambitious, and that ambition might make her an enemy to some, but she’s also kind to those that aren’t a target for her country... unless she feels like being a brat like with Kagero.

Powers

I’ll... try not to bitch about power levels here, but no promises. 

When I make a character’s powers I try to make sure that those powers either compliment or contrast with the character’s personality and/or character arc. Claudia’s demonic ability are meant to compliment the character arc of her wanting more power. This is both in terms of physical power and in the plot line of her family’s ambition of wanting more land and influence. It also compliments her personality of being a fight-happy tomboy by physically pushing her further toward becoming a battle-hungry demon, along with showing her resourcefulness in a fight by giving her weapon the ability to change forms.

To change the subject real quick, a group of old characters I had, the Falcon Knights, also fell into this idea. Raven, the lazy and sarcastic leader of the group, had powers that would do more damage to him than his enemies if he wasn’t careful, so he tended to rarely use them despite their destructive ability. This followed the same vein that he rarely acts like a proper leader despite his position, only doing so at critical moments. Tora’s ability to see the souls of people complimented her ability and habit of stating the blunt truth and being able to see people for what they were, at least by her perception. The list goes on, but that’s usually the goal. 

Now in terms of the powers themselves and their destructive ability, that’s secondary compared to the plot. Ultimately, my characters are as strong as they need to be for whatever arc or plot I have planned for them. This is why Claudia can hold her own against her hyper-powerful space alien girlfriend, but struggles against the 4′6″ inquisitor. Claudia and Syn are lovers and rivals that need to be on par with each other for the sake that their rivalry has weight, where as Nero is Claudia’s foil that can constantly best her because her dirty, mid-ranged way of fight hard-counters Claudia’s straightforward, ruthless way.

But moving on...

World Building

This is the last thing I wanted to cover, and I’ll be blunt about it. 

I’d be very careful about going into world building in terms of RPing. 

Like I said, a 5-page essay on this will just turn away your partners, especially on Tumblr. This site is not a forum RP, not everyone is going to adhere to your character’s world, nor should they given how fast partners come and go on this site. They’d be wasting their time trying to understand your character’s world if you just up and dropped the muse a month later because you couldn’t keep up with it. But if you really need the show that your character is from a different world and that actually plays into the character, then focus on what’s relevant to your character and what that means for anyone interacting with this. This does not mean a five-page essay on your character’s magic system and history, but just how they cast magic or how their world’s history effected them specifically. 

To be a bit more general, I tend to view world-building on Tumblr as malleable, as in I control my character’s world-building depending on who I follow. If I don’t want guns to be a part of Claudia’s world, then I just don’t follow characters that use guns. If I don’t want certain races to be a part of Claudia’s world, then I don’t follow them. I know that might sound a bit cruel, but that’s just so some points of immersion aren’t broken.

Now the world Claudia comes from that I made, Blacklight, is similar to the world of Elsword in terms of technology. You’ve got knights that wield swords, mages that use magic, archers that use bows and crossbows, but you also have people that use guns, gunblades, mobile canons that fire artillery shells, futuristic technology, and have actually, near-human android walking around, along with Gods, Goddesses, agents of those divine beings, and demons. Basically, anything can happen and no one questions it. There are some rules to this, most of which pertaining to power levels, but again I don’t want to go on a long rant about that. 

When I comes to this blog, my main focus in terms of world building and who I follow mostly extends to the level of power I’m willing to deal with. This is creeping into story-writing advice, but in a nutshell I’m already following enough people that are already at the ceiling of power in Claudia’s world, so anyone above that threshold isn’t getting a follow back from me, as I don’t want Claudia to be conscious of too many players in the higher tiers of power. The amount she knows of now is fine and isn’t breaking immersion, anymore would.

And... I think think I got everything I wanted to say out of the way, so... Yeah, that’ll be it from me. I’ll be heading out for a bit folks, drafting and editing this has made me rather tired, so I’ll see you all later.

[shenmeizhuang-blog]

The Firmament of the Pleiades 苍穹之昴 -- Ep 1

Ever since I saw this post on Tumblr, I’ve been longing to take a look at The Firmament of the Pleiades, as it explores an era of history that I’m actually somewhat familiar with. Additionally, I also want to get a taste of Wang Jun’s directorial style, in preparation for Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace. I’ve decided to live-blog my thoughts and reactions -- yes, there will be spoilers. 

The version I’m watching, on Youku, directly skips the opening credits, and I find that a shame, because they’re actually relatively spoiler-free and look amazing. 

A bit of background on the title -- our protagonist, Chun’er has this special star/ is affiliated with the Pleiades (it’s a star cluster). But shouldn’t this be more appropriately titled something like “The Pleiades of the Firmament”? Directly translating from 苍穹之昴, it’s really The Firmament: The Pleiades, in which the Pleiades is part of the firmament. 

Opening scene might feel a bit off-putting (that old lady’s hairstyle had me guffawing), but there’s a very stark contrast between the poor peasant’s quarters and the ridiculously gorgeous and splendid palace sets. But yes, the show literally opens with a man named Chun’er castrating himself. 

Already the show feels very much like an . . . old c-drama (it’s from 2010), if you know what I mean. It frustrates me, because a video of the opening and closing credits I saw on Bilibili has it in glorious 1080p (and the sets and costumes are A+), but for whatever reason it looks like the “高清” on Youku is 480p. (The version on YouTube is a measly 360p...*cries*.)

Some of the dialogue is hard for me to understand the first time watching through. The dubbing is also a lot more obvious than I’m used to, especially with Cixi’s scenes.

I miss watching Qing bowing~ (the way they slap their sleeves, almost like ceremoniously removing dust/cat fur)

So Wenxiu and Chun’er are already bros at the very beginning of the drama

Ah, but then it goes back to a flashback

OMG hai Zhao Liying! (If I could gif, or if there are HD cuts with more pixels per frame, I would make gifs of her appearances.)

中而不椅，强哉矫义 = People will ultimately have their own unchangeable beliefs and principles. And part of their imperial examination is to write an essay about this. And then Wenxiu is undecisive/keeps rewriting his essays. Hmm...

o.O is this show...supernatural?

K so suddenly he gets handed an essay for free

Oh nope, ‘tis was just a dream

Actually, I somehow doubt that Ruyi will have this sort of execution

Case in point: LMAO at that sudden zoom-in

Whenever people in the Qing Dynasty look at Western stuff, esp. from England or something, I sort of feel..self-conscious? I’m not from England lol. 

It legit ended on a cliffhanger! Also, intriguing how so many ministers (perhaps partially due to engaging in corruption) want/need Cixi to retain her powers as regent. 

Overall -- a solid start. While the show does feel a bit slow, due to its subtle tone, we covered lots of ground here. Already, the basic context, major players, and political set-up is well-established. Then again, it’s only 28 episodes. o.O

[kittyxs]

Alright here’s what’s happening. 

I’m trying to write my master’s, however it’s such bullshit that I’ve only written two pages of theory and eight pages of experimental results in the time span of ... what three months? I hate everything about my master’s. I need a few hours of crying over my life choices whenever I make myself go read those articles to write a paragraph.

My boss/mentor is ignoring my existential crisis whenever I write her my thoughts about this whole paper. Today she again disregarded my essay of frustration and forwarded me a mail which included both an opportunity for a job at the national institute of health (for which I’m super scared to apply because they’re doing quality control of drugs; the head of that lab was having a lecture at a subject on Uni I had so I revised that lecture and they’re basically doing animal testing and some analytical things for which I personally suck) and at the same time in a passive-aggressive way telling me, she won’t offer me a job at the institute I’m currently doing my masters and have been volunteering at for the past four years. While other colleagues of mine got hired at this institute after a week of being there but in a different lab than where I am. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?

I kinda believe this is the only place where I wouldn’t mind working as a microbiologist because I actually understand the stuff. I mean it’s medical microbiology. Which is basically taxonomy and it’s the only field in microbiology that I’m kinda good at. But than again I don’t really know what they’re doing over at quality control. They might do routine stuff as well (honestly, all I’m really good at is routine stuff; simple everyday tasks; the pit). I might not even get the job (but I feel like as soon as they’ll get to know my boss is recommending me, they might really consider me, because they’re in ties).

On a side note but still on the topic of my insecurities. I felt at least three times in the past month that I’ve been super judged on about my knowledge and way of presenting it. In the way that I felt like I was burned down off the social ladder. I don’t blame people judging me over it. I actually do feel like I’m not upholding people’s and my own expectations of my own knowledge on certain topics. I mean ... what the fuck did I ever achieve? Did I write an academic article? A review? Give a lecture? Lead a workshop? Create meaningful art? Do I even have a legit opinion? On anything, really? 

// I’ve been to my parents the past weekend. It was disastrous. In the way that they weren’t even home for the most part (which is good) but I felt so anxious I had to keep every window in the house open because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. On Sunday I was so exhausted from being myself that I could only lay in bed. My mother was constantly asking me rhetorical questions why I don’t like it there, why I won’t stay longer, why I don’t tell her anything personal (and in the same breath she said she doesn’t want to hear anything too personal from me but still wondering how I was) while crying. Also she was checking on me all the time. No, not checking on me. Surveilling me. Like I’m the most suspicious being for going to the toilet or for going to the yard, have a walk. I mean the list just goes on. To emphasize how estranged I am, my brother was small talking about road lights with me as he was driving me to the train station. Road lights!! It’s also the first time I visited after Garfield died. I missed him a lot. His presence made me feel welcomed. He would always run to me and let me belly pat him or he’d take a walk with me. He loved to be carried. I feel like shit for not being there for him when he was dying ... //

I’m kinda trying to date again ... Which is something that’s not that easy if you’re a non-transitioning trans woman/agender queer person who deals with gender dysphoria every time I look at my hands. A mental disaster in need of medical attention and to be frank just one of those fake trans in the eyes of cis people. Gender euphoria? Not with this fellow. So, dating - I could just pretend not being trans but what’s the point than? Or be “tribe: trans” and let people sexually objectify me. I wish I’d only want sex. I however don’t want it. Or rather I’m just too afraid of it. Being sex repulsed yet having a sexual desire isn’t really a good combination to have. Even with my previous partners I had to really go over myself and out of my comfort zone to have sex. Yet alone make it enjoyable for myself. So, let’s say I find someone suitable (can I even allow myself to be picky?). The conversation seems okay at first, first date goes well, but than. Snap. If I don’t make an effort to talk to them, they don’t talk to me. Which makes me feel like the biggest annoyance ever as if I don’t already feel like an annoyance to everybody else. And there goes my “date” interest. Don’t get me started on alternative dates and relationship ideas ...