#I didn't even get any work done and idk if I'll be going home today so I'm going to have to commute a long(er) distance tomorrow

[deepspaceclawstation]

In one (1) day I've managed to lock myself out of someone else's place AND almost used piles cream as toothpaste

[moonstruckme]

Oh last one I swear. But nobody seems to write any Peter fics where the reader is an artist/art student and I just always saw the concept as rlly cute. Like science student and art student do you see where I’m going with this 😋 anyways. Just brainrot. Idk if this counts as a request lmao

-🍁/🍂 (iforgot what emoji I use)

Hi again, haha! I didn't set out to answer both your asks in one day, but I already had this one ready to go, so. I know you didn't necessarily request it, but I decided to write a little blurb anyway, hope you like it! (And it's the first emoji, but I'll know it's you either way :))

Peter Parker x artist!reader ♡ 598 words

Peter used to get an odd sort of pride from thinking he was always the last one on campus, messing around in the lab until the early hours of the morning. But then he’d met you, and you’d totally dethroned him. 

There’s bright light coming from inside one of the art studios when Peter passes by, and he detours, heading for it. He’s a mutant that can run on an average four hours of sleep and his eyes are aching, so he can’t imagine how exhausted you must be. But if he didn’t interfere, he wonders if you’d go home at all. 

When he enters the studio, he has to close his eyes against the sparks jumping off your project. 

“Sweetheart?”

The light behind his eyelids fades, and he opens them to see you lifting your welder’s helmet, setting your torch down on the table beside you. 

“Peter, hey.” You blink as though coming out of a fog. “Are you already done for the night?”

He smiles at you, moving closer to admire your sculpture. It doesn’t look quite halfway done, but to Peter’s crude eye, it seems like it’s coming along beautifully. You’d shown him your sketch before you’d started, it’s going to be massive and elaborate by the time you’re done. But you won’t be finishing tonight. 

“It’s nearly four, baby. Time to pack up.” 

Your eyes widen. “Wait, seriously?” He nods, and you purse your lips, displeased with the passage of time. “Okay, you go ahead. I’m going to get to a good stopping point, and I’ll meet you at home.” 

It sounds reasonable, but Peter knows you better. 

“You can get back to it tomorrow,” he says, slipping your helmet off for you and placing it carefully beside your torch. “Don’t you think it’ll come out even better if you’re well-rested while you work? I don’t want my girl getting in a blowtorch accident.”

“I’m not that tired,” you argue, but your blinks are slow, almost dazed, and Peter suspects that if he put a pillow under your head right now, you’d pass out in a hot second. “And I’m too good to burn myself.” 

Peter grins. “That’s true,” he agrees, moving behind you to untie your apron. You let him slip it over your head. “It’s looking really great, by the way.” He undoes in the tight bun in the back of your head, knowing your scalp has to be sore. “Did you make any changes from your original idea?”

“A couple.” You lean into Peter’s fingers as he massages the back of your head lightly, shaking your hair out at the roots. “Sometimes it just goes where it wants to go, you know?”

“I don’t,” he says, taking your hand to lead you out of the room, “but I believe you.” 

You chuckle. It turns into a yawn halfway through. “Right, sorry. What’d you do today, bug boy?”

Peter hangs your apron on the hook by the door, closing it behind you. You’re all but leaning into him, further proof that you’re more drowsy than you’re letting on. “You know, bug things.” 

“Come on.” You bump your hip into his lightly, and your voice is by no means loud, but it creates a soft echo in the dark, empty building. “You got to see my project, tell me about yours.” 

Peter shrugs. “I was just messing around with environmental nanotoxicology.” 

Your laugh rings out, surprised and joyous, in the silent hallway. “I have no idea what that means,” you say, pulling him closer to you by his hand. “Tell me about it?”

[mysteriouswolf]

Adding a read more cause it's literally just my random thoughts and a bit of a vent:

Being acespec and arospec as a minor fucking sucks. Because if I even begin to mention it to anyone besides some of my close friends, I get shut down with "but you're only *insert age*. Things change as you get older. You'll want those things someday."

And it hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts because I KNOW. SEXUALITY IS FLUID. I KNOW THIS OKAY? And I don't need you to tell me that. I just- I want to be met with "okay. If you never want those things, that's fine. You're your own person who gets to choose what they want and what they don't."

I know things might change. But I want support for who I am now. Because I hate to break it to you, but almost everyone I know has had at least a crush, if not a first kiss and a romantic relationship by this time. And I don't want one. I don't have any interest at ALL. And I don't remember really ever truly wanting it except for wanting to fit in with other people.

I dunno why I'm so suddenly upset about this. I haven't even came out to anyone recently. It's just hitting right now and I don't know why

Oh wait fuck I need to take my meds. Wait this makes so much more sense now. That's why I'm freaking out--OHHHHHHH WAIT OKAY IMMA GO DO THAT

I'm not expecting anyone to really read this besides maybe Royal, Char, or Geode. If you're here and actually made it this far, hi lmao.

The other thing that bothers me a lot is just like- I have this one friend that I've had since 7th grade. They're really kind and supportive, but they've got a lot of shit they deal with in their personal life too. (Home issues, anxiety, anorexia, etc). And so I'm always there to support them because I care about them so fucking much and they really care about me. And if I ever need help, I can go to them and they won't question it.

It's just- they've like...been infected with romance-fever. For the past year. And it's all they wanna talk about, and usually that's fine because it *usually* isn't repulsive to me. But sometimes it is and I feel like they don't know how to communicate with me otherwise

Also random side note. They like guys. I don't find guys at ALL attractive (very rarely I get aesthetic attraction towards a guy but usually it's like one on the Internet or a fictional character lol) but they wanna show me whoever they're currently dating and I don't know how to react. I'm just like...yeah. cool.

And for the record, I'm not gonna stop being their friend. I care about them too much for that. And this literally won't even be an issue anymore cause I don't think I'll have any classes with them next year and they're mainly a school friend so whY IS THIS STILL BOTHERING ME

Oh

Wait

It's cause it's 10pm and I literally just took my meds. They haven't done their magic yet

Right

Okay. Good. Then my brain will go back to normal soon.

You get a picture of Rosie is you actually made it this far into the post. I'm impressed lmao.

Imma go listen to some music until my brain shuts off now. That's probably a good idea. I'll probably put on your cover of Well It's Better Than The Alternative Royal because it's stuck in my head and it's really nice to hear someone singing who isn't doing it to like. make money. Just to sing and make their friend happy cause sing. :)

Idk if that made any sense. Okay. I did a shit ton of work today. I didn't know setting up a fish tank for the first time was so much work. But not I am tired.

Byeeee

-Mysterious

P.S. I found a really pretty shell today :333 Also wtf does P.S. stand for???

[t4t4t]

Trying to tell Collie to focus in the grocery store got interpreted as being rude and I just immediately left the store the way Eddie looked at me. Then he tried talking to me in the car and I didn't really feel like talking but he was demanding responses that I understood him. He seemed to interpet so much not wanting to talk or responding "wrong" as "childishness" and said as much in like ten different ways and said I couldn't ask to use the car anymore. I suppose I need to apologize for.... being misinterpreted as rude and not wanting to talk being misinterpreted as "childishness."

We went to the adhd check in appointment today, I can't get stimulants prescribed from that clinic because I told them I used K and I'd have to wait a whole year to get prescribed stimulants, unless I find another prescribing clinic in that time. Eddie had a recommendation of where to go that wouldn't say that to me, I guess. I guess I wouldn't have known prior but goddamn.

My foot still hurts to walk on. I should just have waited in the car in the first place, I waited outside sitting on the ground. Maybe he shouldn't have come at all, he couldn't contribute much, they were already committed and couldn't be convinced.

I feel unloved, it feels like my presence here is more precarious than Collie's... I'm not sure how much Eddie or Alina seem to like me but it's probably less than Collie... Collie waffles still every day on whether she'll spontaneously call me a creep or a loser or that she loves me. I doubt I'll be kicked out but being told I can't ask to be driven somewhere in that car seems bad.

He kept on saying he feels the need to give me advice he feels he shouldn't have to give as a younger person to someone who's older than him, which just like. Wtf. Why this whole framing. Dammit. I don't have many older friends. :/ I don't really have any real friends irl, maybe Mara will want to hang out again but it's been ages, maybe Violet will but it's been ages. Ophelia doesn't seem to like me. Idk.

Yalls warm messages was the highlight of my day I guess. Anon hate just as we got home and just after Eddie told me the thing about the car felt really awful but yeah. Thanks.

I wonder how serious that was. He told me I should get used to the bus all snarkily.

Yknow I haven't came a single time since we've been here ? They barely touch me at all. Collie sometimes fools around with me with clothes on but she wants me to top 80% and I can't get hard anymore. I've tried twice and neither went well. Not that I want to, I want a vaginoplasty and I don't want phallus preserving. I barely masturbate and I barely like it when I do. I hope it happens this year but it might not. :/

She asks me to get clean sometimes for anal which I haven't done in so long... I don't feel like the room is fully ours to ask to commandeer. Eddie's been fucked more than anyone else, but I'm not even entirely sure that's his preference, just how it's worked out so far. Alina and I have kissed, and Eddie and I have kissed, but that's been it so far with both of them. Eddie and I have given each other hickies but he hasn't done it in a week. Idk. None of us have felt the best this past week but it sure felt lonely.

[instexcamera]

I just realized I haven't posted any actual fics. So here's one part of a Valentines Enstars prompts thing I'm doing, I was supposed to do one every day then I got busy because finals decided to hit me like a truck, (yea I have finals in the middle of the year idk why) Anyways here's the lastest one I've done, with Rinne yay! This is my 7th fic ever so ehheh

Tags: afab language used once (mostly GN), Rinne is drunk, you also kinda are, dubcon kissing, suggestive themes, exhibitionism kinda if you squint

The noisy atmosphere of the casinos is starting to become too much for you. Everything in your vision becoming a bit too bright. Setting down your second glass of beer, deciding that will have to be it for the night if you didn't want to worsen, or wake up with an killer hangover tomorrow. The thought that you should leave flows into your mind, along with how you shouldn't have even come here, if the idol company you work for finds out you were here, it would cause tons of trouble.

The fact that Rinne Amagi was the one who dragged you here would not help your case either. An idol and producer out together, drinking. Said idol currently gambling away his money at the pachinko machines, along with a beer in his hands, although he was on his fourth one maybe? You were not keeping track of him. Staring at him now, his back turned to you, vermillion hair swaying every so slightly with his movements. Resting your head in your hands as you continue watching him, his body seeming to tense up some before he stands up slightly, pointing a hand at the machine, seeming to say something angrily before stopping and turning towards you.

A slight scowls on his face, indicating he must have lost. He was most likely out of money since his attention is off the machines. "Lady Luck must not be on my side today, I lost everything I had, I'll need to ask Niki for more money unless you can give me some?" He holds his hand out expectantly to you, his face now having a sort of smug grin.

Shaking your head slightly as you watch him take his hand back, the grin disappearing. He chooses instead to down the rest of the beer in his glass before walking back towards the bar. You had half a mind to stop him before thinking he can deal with the hangover himself and the repercussions of it tomorrow. You knew he wouldn't blame any of this on you, if you were being honest you didn't know why he invited you here with him, he knew you didn't gamble.

Yet, you had agreed to come with him, so here you are, sitting bored at a table while Rinne drinks himself to a blackout. Rinne comes back around seven minutes later, you were surprised he has enough money to buy this after complaining about needing some, that liar. As he sits across from you, you can see his bright blue eyes as they roam around what parts of your body he could see as he takes a long sip of the beer.

Squirming uncomfortably in your seat at his gaze as you look away, trying not to focus on him, on the fact you can feel yourself getting wet. The thought somewhat disgusts you, Rinne is an idol, you one of his producers, the relationship wouldn't work, you attempt to shut down those feelings to no avail as when you look back he's still staring right at you.

He finally looks away towards the pachinko machines, relaxing more now that his attention is gone you close your eyes, hoping that Rinne would tell you he wanted to leave in a few minutes and you could go home and forget this ever happened. The sound of a chair scraping closer to you startles you for a second, before you brush it off thinking that it must be someone taking a chair to sit with a friend.

That thought quickly diminishes when the feeling of someone sitting quite close to you overtakes your thoughts. Opening your eyes quickly, the first thing you see is Rinne's bright blue eyes staring into your face. You lean back suddenly in surprise, almost falling out of your chair, but you catch yourself at the right moment.

"Rinne, what the hell?" Is the first thing that leaves your mouth, you didn't know what to expect from him, but what he did say was something you didn't think he'd ever say to you. "You look so pretty up close like that, maybe this is the Luck god's way of giving me a win." Staring at him in utter confusion, then finally figuring out the alcohol is most likely hitting him.

"Well, thanks. It's late Rinne, I have to get back to my place so I won't get to work late tomorrow, you should probably do the same." You were relieved Rinne had taken a different ride than you, at least you wouldn't have to deal with him anymore, and possibly do something you'd regret. Looking at his somewhat stunned expression as you stand up, starting to walk away from him.

You had to excuse yourself as you walked by some people as the place was starting to get more crowded as the night went on. Pulling out your phone to check the time, 11:47pm. It was late, you were right, getting up at 7am would be a pain in the ass tomorrow. Putting your phone back in your pocket you didn't expect to feel a hand on your shoulder which spins you around, turning you directly into a kiss with Rinne.

Your eyes widen in surprise, you starting to try to pull away from him but can't, he's too strong. Your attempts to push away get weaker and weaker as you decide this wasn't so bad, his lips were soft, the taste of beer still lingering on them. Your eyes close as your hands move behind his back, trying to move him closer to you as you grind a little against his crotch, feeling a hardness start to form.

He let's out a quiet moan into the kiss before pulling away, his pupils are more dialiated and he breathes somewhat heavily. You were about to tell him to take you someplace more quiet as you could feel the stares from others, and you knew it wouldn't be long until someone recognized Rinne and a scandel happened.

Rinne seems to sense this though as he grabs your hand and starts to gently pull you along, sometimes running into someone. Both of you eventually end up at the bathroom but not without the glances of others. Rinne quickly opens the door and pulls you inside, locking the door behind him so no one could come in.

As soon as he's sure the door won't open one of hands slide up your shirt, the other in your hair as to brace the impact as he pushes you against the wall, not wanting to hurt you. His lips find yours again, your eyes close when he resumes what was starting out in the main area. His kiss deepens, his tongue licking at your lips to gain entry, which you gladly give him. The hand he has under your shirt sliding down towards the waistband of your pants.

You're glad you didn't head home now when you wanted to, Rinne didn't seem to want to stop anytime soon and that was fine with you.

[cryptidsurveys]

Tuesday, July 16th, 2024.

How have you been doing? I'm a little worn out from volunteering, but otherwise, I've been doing well. Cassie was telling me that I need to stay for a full day sometime, that way I can understand what they mean about the nonsense that goes on in the evenings. Basically, over the past few months, the time they actually get off work has been pushed farther and farther back. They're supposed to get off at 5pm, but Alex said the other day that she didn't get off until 6pm (and she already comes in ~30 minutes early). There also seems to be some growing animosity/resentment between the dog & cat people. Dog people are allegedly the hold-up. I'm not sure what changed, but it wasn't like this last summer. Cattery is usually finished early, often expected to help with the dog stuff; but when they ask for the final check to be done so they can go home, they're typically left for last.

I feel like that's eventually what will drive Cassie to quit. She had somewhere she had to be last night and they dragged things out until she was like, Yeah, I need to leave. She said it was "fine" in that situation; but in the future, when she has cheer practice, she's not going to be able to wait around for them because cheer won't take work as an excuse for being late. Also, I was told that Lucy might be looking for another job. Lucy told Cassie she wasn't going to quit until she found one, but after her absence last weekend, she might have just decided to go for it.

I know I'm essentially backseat managing here, lmao, but they really need to get ahead of this turnover issue. Since I started volunteering again last summer, they've lost something like 15 employees.

Anything you're looking forward to? Hopefully going for a picnic at the Mountain Park tomorrow. I haven't been there since last autumn, which is way too long. There's a certain rock in a certain stream that I just need to lie down on for a while.

Do you or anyone you know play the violin? No.

Do you have a nice view out of the closest window? It's just a view of some houses. And today, some construction. They're doing idk what on the corner diagonal from us.

What is one of your favorite breakup songs? I don't think I'm really a fan of any breakup songs.

Do you know anyone named Georgia or George? No.

What age did you learn how to ride a bike? Without training wheels? I think I was around 6 years old.

Are you currently listening to music or watching TV? I'm not. Sometimes I will listen to music while taking surveys, but it just feels like a bit much atm.

What is your morning routine? On volunteer days: depending on the day, get up somewhere between 5:15-5:45am. I'm usually awake a bit before that, though, so I just lie in bed and listen to something on YouTube. Shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, eat breakfast, gather the remainder of my things, talk with my dad for a bit. Then, depending on the day, leave somewhere between 6:20-6:45am.

On Wednesday: wake up, brush my teeth, make myself presentable, go grocery shopping, then come home and eat breakfast.

On Saturday: wake up whenever I feel like it, make breakfast, clean my bedroom, and make some art.

Are you someone who gets easily agitated by hearing someone chewing? No. It doesn't tend to bother me.

What was the last text you sent? It was a text to my mom. We might be going to see Despicable Me 4 on Saturday, and I was like, "I'll finally find out what all those little yellow minions are about."

What did you last have to eat? Some mixed veggies with sriracha sauce and a cheese and jalapeno sandwich.

What's your favorite kind of oatmeal/porridge? If we're talking about the flavored pouches, then probably brown sugar, birthday cake, strawberry, or peach. However, I typically use plain oatmeal as my base and use fruit, peanut butter, etc, to flavor it from there.

Have you ever ate a whole pizza in one sitting? I don't think so…maybe a half, though…? In elemntary school, we used to have pizza days on Friday (was it weekly? monthly? I can't recall); if you didn't "flip a card" (their disciplinary system), then you could pay some small $ amount that I no longer recall and get a half/full pizza, a cookie, and drinks.

What are some things you are grateful for? Volunteering. Even with all the drama, I can't imagine giving it up. I feel like it's a good exercise in detachment (not that I'm so detached, lmao; I'm obviously here dishing the constant tea). Like, if you ever just want to be an observer without any real expectations or responsibility for the system as a whole, go volunteer somewhere. It's an interesting experience… It's helping me learn to step back, stop trying to control everything, and just sort of let everything play out the way it will. It's not that I've given up all autonomy to the flow, but seriously, sometimes it helps to really see just how little of this teeming, chaotic world has anything to do with me. Thought I was going to make a difference; instead, found out what a cosmic speck I am. Maybe not what I wanted, but definitely what I needed. Still a speck, but now a free speck.

What's the last thing you done while outside? Drive, I guess.

How often do you do laundry? Every few days. It just depends on how quickly it piles up.

Have you already had your birthday this year? Yes, back in March. Which feels like forever ago. June 1st feels like it was last week, but March feels like it was last year.

Last thing you done before this survey? Vacuum the living room and dining room.

Do you like sleeping with multiple pillows? I have multiple pillows on my bed, but I only sleep with one.

How many candles do you have in your bedroom? A couple.

What emojis have you used the most here recently? D; and :')

What color is your favorite shirt? I don't have a favorite shirt, but my favorite hoodie is black.

Do you currently smell food cooking? No. Oh, but at the shelter earlier, I walked out of cattery to go to the bathroom and it smelled like someone was cooking hot dogs with ketchup or something. Come to find out it was ant killer. What a wild smell for such a thing…like luring them to a picnic or something…

If you were given $1,000 to spend at one store. What's your store of choice? Walmart (groceries).

How much sugar do you consume on a daily basis? Idk.

Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? Yeah. Well, it's custard, but same basic deal. It's from Culver's. Strawberry cheesecake and mint choco-chip.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "chaos"? Chaos theory, chaos magicians…etc.

Do you own anything that has an animated character on it? Somewhere.

Have you used a microwave today? Yeah.

What's the last book you read? Still in the midst of the third Dune book. I haven't picked it up in a while, though. I just haven't felt much like reading lately.

What's something that always makes you cringe? Idk.

What's a word or phrase you say a lot? My toxic trait is that I'm blind to my own annoying catchphrases.

What's something that always makes you emotional? Music. Not always in a good/cathartic way. Sometimes in an overwhelming/spiraling way.

How many times have you changed clothes today? Twice. From pajamas to volunteer clothes and back to pajamas.

What's on your mind currently? Just how busy this next week-ish feels. I hope I don't get a migraine…

In what ways have you changed over the past year? So many ways.

Do you really care about others opinions of you? Ehhhhh. Much less than I used to, but still to some extent.

What's your favorite pasta? Spirals, bowties, macaroni elbows.

Do you currently see anything yellow? Some watercolor flowers I painted.

What did you last try to do and failed? Not sure.

Does your bathroom have a certain theme or color scheme? Not really.

If you have Netflix or any streaming service.. what's your favorite shows to stream? N/a.

Are you currently wearing anything red? No.

What was the last thing that caught your eye while shopping? I'm not sure.

What's a social media site you have no interest in? Twitter, Facebook, Tik Tok…I don't even know what's out there these days because I don't keep up.

Have you ever tripped and fallen in a public place? Yeah.

When did you last buy a dairy product? Last Wednesday.

What's the last song you sang out loud? I'm not sure.

[purplesurveys]

1904

Have you had more hot or cold drinks today? Cold. I don't really like hot drinks.

What's a name you like that's similar to yours? The only similar name I can think of and that I like is Rowan, for a girl.

Where did you get the last plate/bowl you ate with from? I'm currently eating tuna sashimi salad from a paper bowl that the restaurant I ordered from provided.

How's your mental health today? Not too shabby. I've been rattled the last couple of weeks for various reasons, but I think it's all mellowed down now and it also helps that it's Friday again.

What bands and artists did you listen to when you were a teenager? So the #1 band in my heart then, now, and always will be Paramore, but I also got way way into punk rock because of CM Punk. In the bus to and from school, I would listen to Against Me!, Rancid, H2O, The Bouncing Souls...basically all of his favorites that he used to plug on social media all the time at the time. I also really liked Killswitch Engage.

Do your feelings get hurt easily? Idk, it depends on what's thrown at me. I don't care how people think of me for the most part, and being called out does not bother me; but I do get bothered when I am talked to in a way that the other person is clearly thinking that I'm stupid.

What sort of restaurant did you last eat at? Does food delivery count? I ordered Japanese tonight.

Do you have a friend who's always sending you TikTok videos? Do you actually watch them? I'm pretty sure my close friends occasionally would, but I never open my TikTok messages hahaha.

Have you ever seen a cougar in the wild? Nope.

Will you attend a wedding in the next 3 months? Nope.

Are you good at following instructions? In general, yeah. As long as I can read the instructions or have visual aid as either is how I prefer to pick up details.

What's your backyard or outdoor area like? Apart from being paved and having a basketball stand/net/hoop (what do you even call the whole thing?), there's not much else to it really. We have our cars parked nearby as well, and my dad's newest baby - his motorcycle - is by the backyard too.

Do you like your boss? (or your last boss if you don't currently have one? I like Trina, and I'm gonna miss her when she leaves.

When was the last time you took a selfie? Tuesday.

What did you have for breakfast yesterday? I didn't eat anything yesterday until 1 PM.

What do you do to entertain yourself on a long flight or journey? The 'longest' I've experienced was like 3.5 hours lol, but in any case I like downloading YouTube videos offline so I don't go crazy sitting down. It's also why a part of me, while excited at the prospect of traveling the world, also kind of dreads it because I can't imagine being on a plane for any longer than 5 hours... :/ Where are you right now? In my room.

Have you ever done a hearing test? I don't think so.

Do you hate small talk? Well, no. Sometimes it has to happen. The only aspect of it I would find awkward by is if the other person barely makes an effort to reply or make conversation.

What's the hottest temperature your current town/city has ever had? I'm not sure tbh, maybe somewhere around the 40s?

What programs/applications do you currently have open on the device you're using right now? I usually have only Chrome open on this laptop anymore.

How many steps per day do you do, generally? When I work from home, which takes up most of my time, nothing over 200. But then I'll have my event days or days out, and my steps for those can range anywhere between 3,000 to 8,000.

Have you had any snacks today? Nope, just full meals.

What's the next thing you'll tick off your to-do list? I'll need to take Agi to the groomers tomorrow because that boy's fur has gotten long and STINKY lmao.

Have you ever had a chia pet? No.

What's your favourite sandwich filling? Pulled pork.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? I don't.

What was the last reason you saw a doctor? Needed to take my annual medical exam.

Do you use light mode or dark mode on your phone? Dark.

[montydrawsstuff]

I'd love to see if you have any ideas on how you think Katana and Slushie would first meet or become friends! We've been throwing out some silly ideas already but any call out to you specifically?

(Could be a multiverse thing, could be just your universe's Slushie counterpart, idk)

im gonna try to stick to my universe, just in case i mess something up with hers hehe

would love to write the oc cuties!

Katana huffed in his last "calming breath" before stepping back out onto the floor. It had been quite the lunch rush and he was pretty keen to spend the next 4 hours either staring at a wall or screaming at it. Still, he had one hour to go. One hour of busting his stripey ass and trying not to lose his cool- He never did at work, but today may have been his day.

"Keep yourself in the zone, son. Let your mind be calm as a river.."

That's what his father told him. Well, his river was just about ready for a tidal wave. His last table had done it. He was about ready to slice their whole party in half, or quit.

But surely, he could get through this last hour..

Thankfully, the place was dead. It wouldn't be long before they'd close till dinner, so it made sense, but it was still unusually quiet. Lucy gestured to a booth near the entrance, where someone light furred and fluffy took up most of one side.

Table for one? Okay loser... Actually I could do with some loser time too...

"Hey there! Welcome to the Golden Tiger! I'll be your server, names Katana- call me Kat."

The girl- some kind of fox he guessed- seemed surprised at his greeting. She jolted slightly, but didn't look up.

"Soooooo...... Can I get ya something orrrr... is that seat just comfy?" he asked, trying to keep himself from drifting.

"Umm.. do you have any recommendations? The Red Braised Pork looks good..." she murmured, with a sniffle.

Katana read all he needed from this girl, she was upset about something, probably had been crying. Just wants something yummy to make her feel better. So... in other words- an easy customer!

Or at least not his last customer!

"I mean... people order it? I can't tell ya personally if it's good since I'd die if I ate it but..." he chuckled.

Tell a little joke, show them the smile- god I'm such a good server!

"Is it... spicy?" she asked nervously, glancing up through her bangs, finally. She shot her eyes back to the menu soon after, though.

"yyyeah....? I mean, it won't kill ya but..."

"That sounds good.."

"Okay cool, and for drinks?-"

"-And some scallop pancakes, and extra rice... and the pork dumplings... and the egg drop soup please.."

Katana kind of just paused for a little before writing all that down. "Oookayyy.. You are... hungry. Um.. Drinks?"

"Just... green tea is fine..." she added, shyly sliding the menu over.

"Sure.. won't be long.." Katana gave another wonky smile before making his exit, just in time to see her steal a look.

Great, I'm the entertainment today I guess...

He took a look back at her, then to her order. Dang was it a lot of food, was this girl some kind of body builder? Where did she put it all? The cost didn't shake him, since their prices were pretty good for the quality, but the AMOUNT.

Girl ordered 3 sides and 2 mains dang it! Even with MAD munchies I couldn't do THAT!

He couldn't even be bothered to hand the order slip to his mother by this point, choosing instead to rip the page out and flick the page in her general direction and shout "Reflex test!" before heading back out.

Still dead. Good.

He leaned on the wall and stared at nothing, his mind still not hazed enough for his liking. Nevermind, soon enough he could just make a nest and just...

Do nothing?

He sighed and took a stroll back to the table.

"Hey."

The girl shot her gaze up, this was probably the last thing she wanted- to be berated by her server, the horror. But... Katana was bored, so she could suffer.

"So.. what are you doin' here all by yourself? New here?"

She blushed. "I have a friend in station square... well, she wasn't home, but she mentioned coming here before I think? She said it was... good"

"I mean, it's okay..." Katana drawled back "Yea, Sonic came here once. really put us on the map- brought all his friends"

The girl looked quite surprised at the name drop "Sonic the hedgehog?"

"Yea.. I think he was a hedgehog.. Looked like one... Apparently he's a big deal" he shrugged casually, fully knowing the huge celebrity status he had.

"Wow." she responded, kind of in awe "My friend... might have been with them..."

Katana hissed playfully through his teeth, giving a cheeky smile "Dang, you got famous friends? And here I was thinking I could impress ya with that one!"

She giggled. Haha! Cheering up already!

"Actually, I've been meaning to visit Mystic Ruin for a while. The temples are really beautiful and.." she blushed in a sort of dreamy way "at night... you can't beat the view... so many stars..."

"Oh.. right on. I guess I'm used to it, hehe... You don't get a sky like that in the big city."

Katana looked around nervously, where was this girl's dang food? Why hadn't anyone told him to buzz off yet? Weren't people generally creeped out by lizards, anyway?

"You know I don't think I heard you right when you introduced yourself, so I was surprised when you weren't a cat!" she giggled. Oh, so that's what that look was about.

"Oh, that's cool. I thought someone left their coat in the booth"

She giggled more. Okay, maybe this was a nervous thing now.

"It just sounded like... you said your name was Katana?"

"My name is Katana" he corrected, as if it weren't a strange thing to be named.

"Oh..."

"Katana! C'mere! Mom's got the food ready!" Lucy called "Get off your smoke cloud and come get it!"

"Geez, Fine! I'm comin', Batty!" he took his time at first, but remembered he liked this girl now so got his ass in gear. Though he was uneasy at how she stared at him again once his back was turned.

"Okay, that everything? Enjoy! And er... Have a good day!"

"Thanks... by the way.. sorry, you noticed me staring, didn't you..."

Do I make it awkward? uhhhhhh YEAH

"Ya, Don't worry, I know I'm a bit of a spectical.." He remembered the note he got instead of a tip from his last table, growling.

"I can't help but.. be fascinated by... scales... sorry!"

Ooooohhhhhh, she likes lizards! Duh!

Maybe she's dating one hehe

"Oh no worries, enjoy ya meal... errr"

"Slushie."

"Seriously?- I mean!- Nice name! Aw man... Well, we're even now! Hey let me know when you want a to-go box, 'Kay?"

Slushie nodded with a silly smile, already dug into her food.

To Katana's utter shock, she didn't need the to-go box

[wraenata]

i was tagged by fellow raven enthusiast @redstringraven, thank you! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Oops I trauma dumped in some of these what a surprise

share your wallpaper:

My phone lock screen is a alternating picture of my cat Sally, or her sister Jenny who passed two years ago. In both photos they look like super models <3

My computer wallpaper is a alternating slideshow of like over 100 landscape and animal photos. Idk I got them from the microsoft store free at one point. They change every 30 minutes. I like the variety.

last song you listened to:

For some reason when I got home today I decided to watch the amazing Reverse animatic and then since I am finally using a new browser Firefox it started auto playing and went to the Roaring 20s animatic, and my brain decided to listen to that on repeat the entire night. I do not know why.

currently reading:

SO MANY FANFIC and I'm behind on all of them

On my immediate list to catch up right now are

We'll Meet Again Soon by chiangyorange

all the ashes in my wake by paperxcrowns

Change of Perspective by characcoon

last movie you watched:

Honestly have no idea. Probably the Rise movie. In two weeks it will be Spider-Verse and I will not be normal about it.

craving:

Energy to be alive

what are you wearing right now:

Yeah I get home from work at 3:30, finish dinner before 4:30, shower and in my jammies by 5 pm. This is how I live my life haha. It is a bit cool today so I opted for my big pink sweatshirt from a campground.

how tall are you:

5 foot 4 inches just barely, which is 162.56 cm according to an online converter. I'm short.

piercings:

So my ears were actually pierced when I was like 3 or something by my parents' friend. No I don't think she asked permission haha. Anyway I had to have an x-ray done not a year later so the earings came out and never went back in. My parents religion we converted into though actually did not allow piercings, so I never got them repierced. No jewelry was allowed. Some of the more strict southern churches didn't allow even wedding bands.

tattoos:

None. Tattoos were literally the reason my mom made us leave the normal church and go to the cult one. Tattoos were not allowed. Maybe I'll get one some day but it's not something I really think I need. But nothing is stopping me anymore if I wanted to.

glasses? contacts?:

4 eyes that's me :) Got glasses in 6th grade yay. I'm not super blind but unless I'm pretty close I'm losing out on a lot of details. Had to buy special prescription safety glasses for my lab job. When I'm at home I don't wear them. Details not important.

last drink:

I literally only drink water. And I drink a lot of it. Gave up soda when I was like 8 because I was afraid of wasps getting in the can. I don't drink alcohol or juice. Maybe a hot cocoa or tea but that is very rare.

last thing i ate:

Sugar snap peas! I love them <3

last show:

Lets be honest it was rise.

favorite color:

I like a forest green. But also I love pastels. I do not like red. You can thank my mom for that.

current obsession:

Rise of the TMNT. Also Spider-Verse.

unrelated obsession:

Nature related strategy board games. My favorites are Wingspan and Everdell but I have so.many.board.games. I got into the hobby because it was the only thing I could tolerate spending time with my mom with but now I don't want to do that anymore, so the games have gone unplayed since Christmas.

any pets:

My 19 year old tortie Sally! She is deaf and a box of rocks and so expensive with her health problems but I love her to bits. She's my baby and has been with me through everything.

do you have a crush on anyone:

I mean I had crushes in school but, oh shocker I was never allowed by my parents to date. And even then it had to be a fellow pentecostal and I sure as hell wasn't going to do that. I was too bogged down with family issues to ever consider it even after I left. I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone? Idk I have always had a huge identity crisis of who I am and what I want. But I also don't want to be alone forever. It's complicated.

favorite fictional characters:

Ninja turtles, Rise Casey Jones, Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner), Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Spider Gwen, Snoopy, Cinderpelt.

the last place you traveled to:

Ugh, the bachelorette party of my nightmares this past weekend. It was in a tourist town a few hours away. Unless work counts cause I went to work this morning.

tagging I'm not going to tag anyone because this is a lot, but if you would like to do it I encourage you to!

[inkofamethyst]

January 21, 2024

I have a class this semester that's pretty far from the others, so I've researched all the plausible bus routes (4!) I could use to get there and back on a pretty tight schedule. Thankfully, I do have enough time between the classes to walk the half hour route if necessary or desired (but that certainly won't be a fun time with my big ol' laptop (that can now hold a charge overnight!!!!!)).

I don't think I ever did a true reflection on my first semester in graduate school. I had days where I dictated my thoughts, sure, but no overarching reflection. Overall? It was fine, I guess? So like, okay, I'm very aware of the possibility of burnout, especially since I "went straight through," so I'm trying to pace myself and not necessarily overwhelm myself with all of the things I could be doing. On the flip side, I often felt like I wasn't "doing enough" even though I didn't really know how to start asking for what more I could be doing? I know I've got stressful times ahead in this program for sure but idk I've just felt a little antsy. I mean I suppose I should take this time to just work on time management.

I dunno, it just doesn't feel like there's that much to reflect on?? Like it feels like I'm easing my way into the program with a relatively steady (and slow) start. I think I'll probably talk with my advisor about career development stuff this week and go to the career center sometime early this semester to get a head start on that. I know the academic job market is majorly tough, so I want to have enough options/skills in case academia isn't open to me (because I'm probably not desperate enough to go for a job in a state where my lifestyle would take a dive/the general populace doesn't want me (a woc professing human evolution among other things)).

Man, I'm still psyched about the battery replacement. I did that! Me!! And everything is fine!!! Even if I end up being able to use my tablet/keyboard duo for any in-class coding exercises, this still opens up so much flexibility. Plus, cleaning the gunk out of my fans is keeping it from overheating all the time. It's nice not hearing a rocket launch every time I open discord. Love the right to repair.

Speaking of which, I was able to complete over half of my ("on campus") winter break goals!! First time that's ever happened. The only ones I didn't do were 1. work on phd notion page; 2. lunch with potential friends; 3. decorate; and 4. dynamic photography (though I did order a bluetooth shutter controller that should be here tomorrow). I did all seven of the others (though none of the "at home" ones which I'm choosing to ignore because I really just needed the rest), plus a bonus library card.

Today I'm thankful that I was able to get so much done today. I feel ready for tomorrow and the week beyond. It looks like it'll be a long day, especially if I go to the book club.

[redrawthecolorlessworld]

Idk What To Title This Uhhhh TW Vomit I Guess Idfk

colorless gets sick. this also sort of counts as a vent thing i guess because i feel like i might get a fever soon. also my throat hurts. yOuCh!1!!1!1!1!1

———

It's 2 PM.

I feel nauseous.

I already ate today, and this noon. I drank water already—a lot of it, in fact. Now I'm working on another painting.

And yet, I can't help but feel like I need to vomit.

My body hurts all over the place, my throat doesn't feel too good ever since last night. Why is that the case?

Oh God...don't tell me that I'm gonna get sick.

I have a commission to finish, and I have to do many more things. So obviously, I can't get sick now—

"Urk-!"

I covered my mouth as soon as I could. I could feel it—I feel like throwing up right now.

Ugh, fuck it, here goes nothing.

I rushed to the bathroom, and immediately vomited everything I needed to vomit out into the toilet. It doesn't help that I suddenly have a terrible headache too. Now that I think about it, I have sudden suspicions that I might get a fever by the end of this bullshit.

This whole throwing up thing didn't lasted long, thankfully, but I still feel horrible. It's like I could feel cold sweat running down my face—or maybe it's real? I don't know, I don't want to know.

It's like my face is burning, my whole body might stop functioning any moment now. I can't do this anymore.

My throat hurts.

My head hurts.

My whole body hurts.

Just simply living hurts.

I don't know anymore...

What am I supposed to—

"Colorless?"

Ah.

Did I have the door unlocked again or what...? I should stop that, really dangerous thing to do right there...

I gathered enough strength to even look up to this completely new person who has suddenly entered my home—and my bathroom, I guess.

Turns out it's Technicolour.

"A-ah...Technicolour, I—"

"Don't speak! Uh, let me- let me help!"

Technicolour immediately helped me get back on my feet. The headache is still going strong, unfortunately, but the wanting to vomit my insides has completely disappeared, at the very least. He led me out of the bathroom, and then into my room, and then helped me laid down on my bed.

"I should get you a glass of water. Do you want anything else?"

I simply shaked my head no. With my throat hurting a lot, I really don't feel like talking. Technicolour then quickly left the room, and with that, I'm alone again.

My loneliness didn't lasted long, though, because in about...what, one minute? Technicolour came back, and with a glass of water, as promised. "Here." He offered, and I nodded at him as I took the glass of water from his hand—nodding as my way of saying "thank you".

He sat on the bed beside me, and then after that, silence. Silence as I drank the water that's in the glass I was holding. After I'm done, I placed the glass onto my nightstand and laid back down, simply staring at the ceiling.

"You should get some sleep. It might help make you feel better, I think!"

"...Mhm. Yeah."

I closed my eyes...forcefully. I just wanna sleep and forget this ever happened already. But then, I opened them again, feeling something is...missing. "...Technicolour?" I called, and the man in question quickly turned his head to look at me. "Huh? Yes?"

"...This sounds really weird, and I swear, I don't mean it in that way, but..." I hesitated for a moment, before I finally finished my sentence. "...Can you...sleep here...beside me? I...feel like having some company might make me feel ten times more better." Technicolour's eyes widened a bit at my request, but he quickly relaxed and nodded with a smile that never seems to waver, before fully laying down on my bed beside me.

It's so...stupid.

So scandalous.

...So not-straight.

Oh my God, I'm starting to think I'm pansexual.

Nonetheless, with Technicolour now by my side—in a literal sense—I could finally drift off to sleep more peacefully.

I just hope by the time I wake up, I'll feel better.

[greydiminishing]

8/13/24

I wanna start journaling in the mornings. I think it'll be really helpful for me. I wanted to journal yesterday but i didnt get to it.

*Firstly, I'm feeling a lot better than I was a month or two ago. I checked my grades and I somehow actually passed all my classes. I'll make a post just on that though.

Yesterday was a nice day. I woke up to loud construction sounds and when I looked out my window, I saw half a tree hanging in the air! It was a tree removal service or something, probably because we had a crazy wind storm the other day and the tree must've gotten unstable. But I got to watch the workers chainsaw massive chunks of this tall tree, then secure it to the lifter with rope and watch it get lifted and "float" to the ground, where they chainsawed off the branches and then pushed it through the chipper. Pretty cool, 10/10 start to the morning even if it woke me up.

Then I made hot cocoa and buttered toast and I had an apple that was maybe the sugariest apple I've ever had. It was almost too sweet. Organic cosmic crisp only $2.99 for 3lbs at aldi! I'll have to bring a bag or 2 when I go back to school.

I didn't get much on my todo list done yesterday. I don't know how or why, when I felt so good and motivated in the morning. I think maybe I was enjoying my leisurely morning so much didn't want it to end. I did do my laundry though.

I've been having a lot of good days/good mornings because I've been taking my adderall. I've been taking it pretty consistently for 2-3 weeks now and the difference is night and day. I feel human. I feel functional. (Escaping the pit of despair I was in when I thought I failed all my classes definitely helped too).

Every time this happens, when I stop taking my adderall because I feel like I don't need it when I'm not in school or doing any work, I end up feeling like shit. And then I start taking it again and the world regains color. When will I learn.

~~~

I'm going to the mall with my friend today. We're gonna see a movie and eat some tacos. I'm excited and nervous. I shouldn't be nervous, but I am. I think it's because it's a 1-on-1 hangout, which I'm usually not good with, but I already know I'm fine with 1-on-1s with this friend.

I'm also a bit nervous because I'm taking the highway to get there. But I literally took the highway two days ago, for the first time EVER (by myself), and for the longest duration that I've ever driven (35 mins lol). So why am I nervous to take the highway a second time for a fraction of the duration?? Idk.

Also, that same day, I drove my other friend's dad home. I've never said more than "hello, how are you" to this man, and now we're in a car for a half hour while I'm driving on the highway for the second time in my life. And I did so good!! (Minus one stop sign I drove past when we got by their house :P) We had some conversation, and I changed lanes smoothly, and it was all good. I was so normal!!

This seems like something I would usually freak out about; driving and awkward social interactions, my two greatest fears (and thats not exaggeration, thinking about getting in an accident, and remembering my awkward social interactions are the two main things that keep me up at night. They cause me intense distress. They are also the two main causes of the weird twitch/tic things i get when i think about something bad). But I was actually so chill about it. If I can do that, I can do anything.

[pirefyrelight]

It really sucks for me, an introvert, to have a nosy, retired, talkative neighbor who just absolutely can not allow me, a young introverted autistic woman, to do yard work in the peace and quiet of xer own racing mind without coming over and offering unsolicited advice about everything under the sun, and even proselytizing at one point.

Guy. Go away. Stop providing reinforcement for all my anxieties about being perceived in public.

Today I was almost done with the project I was working on, and it started sprinkling rain. I figured since I had maybe 15 more minutes including cleanup I'd just ignore the rain unless it actually started pouring, in favor of just finishing.

Well he comes home, calls something from across the way about sugar melting in the rain, I decide to take the most charitable read from that and decide he doesn't think I'm an idiot who had just spent the last 5 minutes completely unaware of the rain, and say something like "ha ha, yeah." You know, bare minimum to not outright rudely ignore him.

He stands by his truck for a second and calls out something about if I stay out any longer I'll be playing in the mud. Once again, as if I had no natural warnings about the rain. Or it being his business at all what comforts or goals I prioritize. I tell him I'm almost done, as if I need to justify what I do with my own property to him.

He says one final thing about the storm proper being a few blocks away and moving in, and finally goes inside. Of course he comes out again to ask if I want him to bring his leaf blower over, as if that will help distribute the dirt I dug up evenly across my lawn more effectively than the rake I pulled out and also just kicking it around.

I know he's being ~nice~, I know he's being neighborly and what I'm sure he believes is polite. But I am a gen z woman and he is a boomer man, and every interaction that he initiates before I initiate even a single one increases the inherent creep factor at an exponential rate. I want to be able to get things done outside or walk to work without being ensnared in a two hour conversation.

Hes trying to help me identify the plants in my garden, explaining perennials vs annuals and I just am not at the stage where I'm trying to figure that out right now ya know? He said something about the milkweeds, "it is a weed, you know."

Oh thanks. I didn't know that. What with the word Weed being in the name.

I tell him I knew about that one, that they're good for the butterflies, I'll take care of the ones that are in non optimal spots, stop touching my plants,

oh speaking of ambushing me on my way to work- the balls on this man to essentially harass me for hours the previous night, to see me walking in the morning looking straight ahead, with-a-purpose quickness that comes with cutting it close already to be on time, with A Massive Chef Knife Handle Sticking Out Of My Purse, and decides it's a good idea to stop me again for chit chat, I just can't even.

Hes still alive, unfortunately. Also unfortunately I guess I'm going to have to take a slight detour if I want to avoid him when I'm on a time crunch. The unfortunate comes from the fact this detour would take me along a bright, loud, busy road when I would generally rather take the shorter, tree shaded, side road to work instead.

I could just tell him to fuck off (not with those exact words ofc) but I'm worried about creating Friction ad since he's a talker and gossiper I don't know what kind of issues down the line would be caused by rebuffing him completely. But maybe that's my anxiety talking idk.

[domesticated-whores]

my friend asked to hang out after work today, but his schedule is one of those "you get to leave when you're done with your work" kind of things, so he didn't really give me a ballpark time and now I'm wondering if we're even still hanging out or if he just forgot to cancel on me because it's kinda around the time he usually leaves work (but there's still 2 hours for the latest he stays on Tuesdays and idk if he's going home after or anything first either way), so I've been ready and intentionally not doing ANYTHING that I can't put down in an instant just in case. Because I'm autistic, and I need a specific time to prepare for, and even then I have trouble doing anything when I have plans anyway. So I am STRESSED. Didn't order groceries, I'm already a day late and have laundry to do tomorrow, so I just won't be getting groceries any time soon. I put on makeup to kill time because it's part of getting ready so I could convince myself to do it. Might have done my eyeliner for nothing (if he does just decide to not hang out and also forgets to communicate with me, he did that exactly once before we were even actually friends and I still will not let it go, that's a whole story tbh but he's also been one of those people that talks to me daily now that we are friends and he's the one that asked to hang out so if something comes up I'm confident that he'd at least let me know), and I'll be fucking pissed (at myself, not at him because things happen) if that's the case.

[undercover-underdog]

Okay.. so I can't sleep because I feel like had I not said I was coming home, you'd have never brought up staying over there. It just felt sneaky.. And tbh, it's not even the staying over, it's the fact that it felt like you suddenly had to come clean when a simple "hey im doing this so i wont be home or ill be busy" would have done in the first place.. and like.. what if I hadn't? Would you have mentioned it at all? If I'd just come home at 5am and not found you here and not gotten any answer if I'd messaged about if you'd gotten out of the neighborhood safe.. like... was there no thought of "hey just letting you know I'm going here and I'm safe" or was it just a situation where I didn't have to know til you realized I'd be here and you wouldn't? And now I'm all fucked up in the head cause like.. okay.. are we acting impulsively today? Were other decisions made impulsively? Were you safe? Were my boundaries pushed aside again? Was my health or safety considered? Did you skip protection like the last 2 times? Why was my couch all fucked up and my stuffies were moved? Do my blankets smell different or was that just a hallucination? Like.. I'm realizing I'm not okay. And I feel like no amount of reassurance is gonna make me okay. Because I don't feel safe or secure. You fucking used polyamory as a tool to cheat. I feel like repairing our relationship took a backseat to nurturing a new one and like I'm laying on this stupid fucking couch crying every night while you get to be fucked, cuddled, validated, and reassured, on a whim, that you have worth and want from the person you used to hurt me, when I'm just trying to schlep my ass through the motions of being "okay" every day when im losing my mind trying to put the pieces together to salvage myself? I'm not okay. I'm hurt and honestly I don't know if I can be mended. And I feel like nothing can fix it. I feel like the wife turned ex turned roommate that you just won't tell it's over. And I have nowhere to go and nobody I can talk to and I feel fucking paranoid and stupid and like I can't say any of it to you because I'll just be the bitch who sabotaged your newfound relationship by making you feel guilty. Like.. who am I kidding? This won't work because we're fucking broken.. idk why I'm trying because I feel like I'm never going to be able to fix this when you're moving on to something fresh and new and spontaneous and untainted... I can't sleep. I can't get an appetite.. I can't stop crying. And what's worse is I can't say a fucking thing because you chose my fucking friend to do this with and he has no idea so if I do say anything I fucking lose him too. I'm so angry and I wish I could fucking hate you. I wish I could leave. I wish I could wish I'd never met you because loving you fucking hurts. I wish I could wish I'd never married you. Because I wouldn't be here on my own fucking couch terrified to say a word about any of it and lose you or be seen as the crazy bitch who sabotages your other relationship. God damnit it all just fucking hurts. Fuck you. Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for making me feel safe and then being a fucking liar. Because I'll never not panic when you swear anything to me ever again.

And what's worse is I dropped my guard. I let you back in and I fucking knew this was going to happen. I knew it was going to hurt worse if I came back to you that morning and i still did it because i just wanted to feel like you love me.

I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

[metamorphosisme]

Curls hair, puts on makeup, and new dress to pick up my man. Not only does he not acknowledge me at all but as soon as we get home he jumps in the shower then half way threw calls me over. "Me and our daughter are going over ***s house for a bbq idk how many people is gonna be there but there will be kids ectect" after I say ok and a long pause he goes "you can come if you want"... I just said it ok and made up the excuse for taking care or the baby. I just had that gut feeling that he didn't want me there, it sucks, I thought I looked ok even though I gained 5lbs back... I just wanted to feel... alright? ... anyway Then right before I leave he goes "what did you do today?" I said worked, nothing why? He goes "you smell like a dog I keep gagging.".... broke my fucking heart dude... he did ask for a kiss but then left... back for another binge once he was gone... im so fucking sad man and if I show him I'm sad he gets mad it's so ridiculous.

When he gets home I'm sleeping on the couch and I open my eyes, he looks down at me and says "why do you have that fucking face on for already". Like 😭😭 legit all I did was open my eyes.... I just went upstairs away from him he was obviously drinking.. he's been drinking for about 3 or 4 months straight everynight.. only 6 16oz millers but the "only" is me trying to tell myself it's ok because he works.... how am I supposed to tell him to kick something when I can't even cut down my fucking eating... ive gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I legit feel like the fat I can see in my face, and my stomach is puffed out, like I see it and maybe that's why he's being mean to me again.... ha... another thing we were sitting on the couch he ate this peanut butter thing and threw half on a napkin on the table, time goes by so I broke a piece off to try and he looked at me horrified, " just because I didn't eat it doesn't mean I wanted you too"..... you think it would have been a sign...

Idk if he only likes me when I'm skinny because I only like me when I'm skinny but mam screaming sick kids, his bipolar / drinking, + trying to work and running a fucking house and running everywhere the fuck else everyday is tough man... I just wanna be happy so bad. My doctor just puts me on any new medication that's on the market, my therapist said I need a psychiatrist and a nutritionist, the psychiatrist won't call me back and the doctor shit needs to be done in secret because my man doesn't believe in that.... (he went to my doctor for his bipolar and he almost killed himself multiple times from the meds..) I've been debating ozemp or the off brands but I'm seeing A LOT of people having suey thoughts on it, it's like a whole underground thing nobody is talking about and it's not like self ouchy it's like felt so low one day did some crazy shit and is now in a coma... idk man I just don't know... I just ordered elevate from avantera to see if maybe that helps with my compulsions. I don't have add as far as I know because I can take an addi and feel my body pick up... could be wrong but I've always heard if you have add and you take one you get slow so trail and error I don't believe that's my case.. oy idk now im rambling to my damn self.. Hopefully I'll read this later and maybe it will give me the strength to be strong and not give in. Eating helps for a moment like a drug but the reprocussions of it are just foul... oh ha and side note deff the weight plus my sugar cuz I'm back to being in pain.. again omad I'm done I can't go on like this... lol no eating was so easy when I was able to just work and sleep all day haha now add having to make 10 meals a day not for yourself and everyone eating different shit on top of daily stress and cleaning... lol whole shit is wild...