#I feel like my degree was wasted on me. Like I didn't deserve it. Like I should have gone for literally anything else.

[pigaletta]

Imagine going to one of the best colleges in the country for your course and you got so damaged from the experience that you need to take time to ACTUALLY HEAL FROM IT.

[targaryenrealnessdarling]

No Pain, No Gain | Part 1 | PersonalTrainer!Aemond x fem!reader

Summary: The personal trainer your roommate Baela recommended to you is rude, condescending but also hot as hell. Series Masterlist.

A/N: shoutout to my personal trainer Alex for rotting my brain. This is my first modern!Aemond fic, so any feedback is genuinely appreciated, I hope you enjoy this, it was an absolute ball to write (and there will be more!)

Also I could not post this without tagging some absolute modern!Aemond QUEENS who inspired me to write this. @valeskafics @oneeyedvisenya @sapphire-writes​ you’re the real ones! Also massive hug to @ewanmitchellcrumbs​ for hyping me up and being a parent to this child she didn't choose to create.

warnings: EVENTUAL SMUT, 18+, sexual tension, binge eating, mentions of breakup, cursing, dickhead Aemond, reader is horny af, English slang (soz), warnings will be added when needed

To say you were broken-hearted would be a bit of an understatement.

You were angry, annoyed, frustrated, wound up tight and pissed off to the highest degree.

And it showed in how you acted these days as you polished off the salty family-size bag of crisps on your own in 10 minutes flat.

You look over at your phone and sigh when you see it’s already 6 o’clock in the afternoon. Another day sat on the sofa, wallowing in self-pity, eating yourself into oblivion and fairly soon pouring a glass of Baela’s finest white wine (now that it was officially almost evening anyway and it was justified).

Scrolling through instagram was like twisting the dagger that was already in your chest. All that stupid fucking app could show you was ‘ex in the bar with his new girlfriend’, ‘ex in the drive-thru with his new girlfriend’, ‘ex on the beach with his new girlfriend’.

It made you want to throw your phone directly at the wall. But you settled for squeezing the life out of it, imagining it was your ex’s stupid face instead.

The absolute waste of space had broken up with you over text on the night you were supposed to go out on a date. And as if that was not bad enough, not even two weeks had gone by before he’d managed to stick his dick into someone else with a pulse. At the time, you were so angry that you didn’t accuse him of anything, he’d already broken up with you. But you did suspect that this ‘sudden’ relationship he’d gotten into wasn’t as recent as first thought. 

It’s been a month since you found out about the other woman.

And clearly you were coping really well.

Indulging wasn’t something you usually did, but now you feel you deserved it. 

“Hello~” the soft, ringing voice of your roommate Baela was at the door. You half-considered hiding all the packets of various foods you’d managed to stuff down your gob, but Baela had seen worse of you. She’d seen you while you were throwing your guts up after freshers week at university. Nothing was worse than that and you shuddered at the memory.

She walks in, looking more put together than you by a long way, having been hanging out with her sister all day. That’s what you like about Baela, she’s not judgemental, and so when she sees you’ve barely moved an inch she just flashes her usual smile.

“Good day then?” she says with a smirk. You raise your eyebrows in return.

“Apart from seeing him plastered all over instagram I’m great” 

“Got any left?” she asks, extending a greedy hand for a crisp. You offer her the bag with a sigh as she slumps on the sofa next to you. She watches boredly whatever you have on the TV,

"Why don't you just block him?" She asks. And to be fair, she has a point.

But you huff and shove another crisp in your mouth, whining, "Cos I'm a nosy bitch with no boundaries"

Baela sighs, pulling out her own phone and scrolling through her notifications, "As much as I love you y/n, this is pathetic, even for you"

You'd be offended if she wasn't completely right. And you know she's only half joking so you just shrug.

"How was Rhaena?" You ask.

"Yeah fine, usual shit with Dad. Oh I didn't tell you-" she starts.

She has that glint in her eye which spells trouble. She's got gossip and you raise your eyebrows in anticipation.

"Hold that thought, wine first?"

"Obviously"

After giggling and waltzing over to the counter to pour two glasses of the finest box wine you could get for under seven English pounds, you hand her one and wait almost too excitedly for her to spill whatever sweet gossip she has.

She sips it, almost like she needs the liquid courage to begin, and she hisses at the sweet, acidic taste.

"God that's foul" 

"It was 2 for 1!" You retort with a laugh, but she is right, it does taste foul, "Stop stalling, tell me tell me tell me" 

She looks at you as if to say bitch, you are not fucking ready.

“Dad’s married Rhaenyra” 

The force of which your jaw drops open is almost comical. You’d guessed for a while that they were at least fucking, but to just elope?!

“I need money, cos I betted on this shit happening!” 

“Oh my gosh, Rhaena was fucking hysterical. Jace and Luke aren’t surprised at all, but Alicent is beside herself in the family group chat, it should honestly be a reality TV show” Baela says scrolling through said group chat. From what you can see without being too nosy, is that there’s a lot of long paragraphs and angry emojis.

“What about Viserys, surely he’s…” you ask, trailing off to sip the pissy wine in your hands.

“Oh no, he’s thrilled. Which pisses Alicent off even more if that’s possible”

“Baela I think your Uncle’s gone insane” you bite your lip to stifle a laugh.

“No fucking kidding”

You slump back onto the sofa, “Holy shit, I am a genius. I knew the whole time” you say, smirking in victory.

“And so humble too” Baela gives a sarcastic grin which you return.

“How do you feel about it?”

Baela shucks her phone onto the coffee table, sighing, “Not bothered, we’re all adults now, so it hardly makes a difference to me. Suppose it’ll get Dad to stop bringing back random women now” she says exasperated, “but Rhaenyra gets the impression we’re all really bothered so she’s invited us all to a retreat for a week. Think she just wants to butter us up for marrying our Dad”

“Oh? Anywhere nice?”

Baela looks over, giving you a wearied look.

“What?”

“Well that brings me to you”

“Oh god, what” you ask, dropping the tone to emphasise the seriousness of the talk all of a sudden.

Baela fiddles with the remote, in an attempt to appear cute, “Well~ There’s a spare ticket going and you’re my bestest friend. And I would hate to endure a week of watching my Dad eat Rhaenyra’s face off, so come with me please?” she begs.

You sigh, “Baela usually I would love to sponge off you like that but-”

“Pleasepleaseplease~” she begs, “Rhaena’s bringing her boyfriend and we’re basically together!” 

You fake a gagging sound.

“Oh come on, a week on a beach in bikinis,sweltering weather with as many cocktails as you can hold isn’t exactly torture”

You give her an incredulous look, opening your arms to emphasise all the bags of junk food around you, “Do I look beach body ready to you?!”

“Oh fuck off, you’re hot and have an ass that can keep the world fed” 

“I know I am hot, I just don’t feel hot” you stare blankly at the TV, trying to ignore her and stuff another crisp into your mouth.

Baela sighs, “I was just thinking it would be a nice distraction, that’s all” 

“I want to it’s just…” you start, trying to think of the right words, “...I don’t feel my best”

Baela gives you a playful slap on your arm, “Look, forget your ex, he’s dumb as fuck and it’s not solving anything by staying inside with the curtains drawn all day. If you want to feel better, might be worth taking care of yourself a bit, hm?” 

Fuck her, you think, rolling your eyes, she’s right.

You hate how often she’s right. Because she gets that look on her face when she is. Always has done.

“How about that gym membership you’ve not used since February?” she asks,

“Okay firstly, ouch. Secondly, I realised I don’t know the first thing about how to work out in a gym, besides the guys there were…weird”

You shudder at the thought. It was January and so all the new year’s resolution guys were at it in full swing, using the gym as a means to try and pick up girls. And since graduating you find that more often than not the guys who hit on you were students. Maybe it was different now?

Baela pokes her cheek with her tongue, racking her brain.

“One of my cousins is a personal trainer? I could text him to see if he’s happy to take you on. Mates rates” she smiles.

You side-eye her hard. You’ve heard briefly about her cousins. Some of the stories are a bit more…eccentric than others. And even though you’ve never met them, you’ve heard enough stories to satisfy your curiosity. 

“This isn’t the manwhore cousin, right? Because if it is then no” 

She scoffs, “No. Aegon hasn’t set food in a gym since graduating and he only went cos it was free. The personal trainer one is Aemond. He’s a bit…anti-social?” she pulls a face when she says it.

“He’s anti-social and he’s a personal trainer?” you ask, eyebrow raised, “makes so much sense”

Baela scrolls through her contacts, “Yeahhh. Don’t worry though, he’s just grumpy” she explains, “want me to text him?”

Your head falls to the edge of the sofa in a huff. You want to go and on top of that, it might be nice to finally have a break. That and you’d love to shove it in your exes face when he sees you’re on holiday looking your hottest. 

“How long ‘til the holiday?”

Baela grins victoriously, “A month and a bit. He does a month course for stuff like this, I can ask him about it”

What the fuck am I getting myself into, you think briefly.

Fuck it.

“Fine”

The force at which Baela’s nails tap against the screen is almost desperate.

Baela snorts a laugh at the message and turns her phone to show you the messages.

“He seems lovely” you roll your eyes sarcastically.

“Like I said, he’s just grumpy. He’ll be professional though” she says.

You sigh, crushing the empty bag of crisps in your hands.

“Can’t wait” 

After following him on instagram, you did a bit of shameless stalking. You’d heard a little bit about Aemond from Baela talking about her family, but he seemed the most mysterious out of all of them (save for the youngest whose name she struggled to even remember). 

He had very little photos of himself, mainly progress pictures of other clients he’s helped. And he seems to be pretty successful so far. A girl with a similar body to you managed to get toned on his one-month program and looked hot afterwards, so you had some high hopes that it was possible for you as well. But you did wonder what he looked like. There were only two photos where he was in frame, and he’d been tagged by another person, looking away from the camera.

From what you could see, he was very tall, lithe and slim but built, with silver hair that had been pulled up into a bun. Ah, so he’s a man-bun type of guy. Yikes. 

Unfortunately, the photo showed very little of his face, so you couldn’t be too nosy.

You sent a very brief message, introducing yourself, trying not to cringe at the idea that he might be doing the exact same stalking to your instagram right at this moment. A shiver went up your spine at the thought. 

It’s only when you’re in TKMaxx with Baela, shopping for gym gear the next day, that you finally get a reply from him. 

“What do you think of just wearing a sports bra?” Baela says, eyeing up a black shirt.

You’re too busy staring at the message, “Hm? Oh, I’d just go in gym leggings and a bra yeah. Just got a reply from your mysterious cousin”

Baela hops over, “What’s he said? Nothing bad I hope” she grins.

 You show her the screen.

Baela raises her eyebrows, “Very formal. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised” she says, seeming surprised that he’s at least cordial.

“It’s very ‘serial-killer-esque’ of him not to have a profile picture” you joke, locking your phone again.

Baela picks out a black gym set. Black leggings with a mesh pocket on the side for your phone and a black sports bra. You nod, “Yeah looks good to me”

“Oh please you’re gonna look hot in this” she smirks, leading you over to the counter to pay.

She rewards you for your efforts by driving you to McDonald's drive-thru. A send off to junk-food so to speak.

And when Monday rolls around, you nod in the mirror. She was right, it does look hot on you. At least in the safety of your flat where there’s nobody to look at you. In a gym, surrounded by other fit people and a personal trainer you’ve never met? It might feel slightly different.

There’s a faint swirl of anxiety in your gut but you pull your trainers on, grab a hair tie from your nightstand and drive to the gym you’ve agreed to meet at. Luckily it’s your local gym, large and packed to the brim with some good equipment at least. And you briefly wonder what kind of workouts you’ll be doing before pulling into the car park.

You see him as soon as you enter the gym. He’s very tall, slender but muscular and fucking gorgeous. What the fuck, is all you can think when you shamelessly scan him from head to toe. Like the pictures, he has his long silver hair in a bun, with a few pieces having come free and falling around his face. His legs are miles long in the black sweats he’s wearing, as well as the black top that sticks a bit too snugly to his front and shoulders, making your mouth water a bit.

And you can’t help but admire his side profile, how his jaw just so naturally and sharply juts into his chin. How his cheekbones sit so prominently and high on his face, framing his features. His sharp, defined nose. And you can’t see from here because he’s looking down at his phone, but his eyelashes are unnaturally long for a man. It’s just unfair, frankly.

Shaking yourself briefly from the trance you were in, you right yourself and approach him.

He looks up to see you before you even have a chance to open your mouth. Now that he's looking at you face on, you can see the shocking blue of his right eye and the paler, soft hue of the other. Not only that but the angry scar that ran down the side of his face, extending from his forehead to the mid part of his cheek, straight through the eye.

You look at it for a split second, surmising that perhaps he's partially sighted or blind in that eye. But you choose not to say anything and instead smile with an awkward wave.

"Hey, you must be Aemond"

He openly drags his eyes over you, from head to toe, just like you did a moment ago without his knowledge. But now that you're standing right in front of him, in the gym gear that you totally don't feel a bit self conscious in, it feels a bit weird.

He doesn't reply for a moment.

"I'm y/n" you say, forcing a smile to your nervous face.

"Hm" he responds lowly, "Baela's friend" 

You pull an awkward face and nod.

You feel so stupidly small against this absolute giraffe of a man and you daren't step forward any more, for fear of looking even smaller under his judgemental and indifferent gaze.

He sighs and gestures for you to follow him, seeming disinterested as he looks down at his phone. For a brief second you wonder how this guy keeps his clients if he's this rude, but you shake the thought away, not wanting to judge too quickly.

He leads you into one of the consultation rooms, separate from the rest of the gym. He sits on one of the seats, sighing as if he's had the hardest day in the world and taking a swig of water from his bottle.

Sat across from him, you feel a bit small under his gaze. He's quite intimidating, you now find.

"Have you ever worked out before" he asks flatly.

You shrug, "I've tried I guess, but never super seriously" you laugh awkwardly, but he doesn't return it.

He runs his eyes over you again, as if to say yeah I can see that.

"Stand up. Shoes off. We're going to take your weight and measurements" he orders, going to his bag to grab some things.

It's beyond awkward and quiet in the room with him as he idly takes down your weight, height and current eating habits, which you've had to be more honest about than you'd cared to admit.

Standing in the middle of the room, he twirls his measuring tape on his fingers. He measures your upper body first, which isn't too bad until he gets to your bust. You try and look anywhere else in the room while he measures across it, his fingers landing softly at either arm, taking a note of the measurement. You internally scold yourself, he is so much taller and surely must be able to see right down the sports bra. It only serves to make your face heat up with embarrassment.

If that wasn't enough, he gets to your lower body, measuring your hips and then thighs. He gets to his knees to do it and you resist the urge to pull your hands into fists at the proximity of him to your intimate area, separated only by a thin pair of gym leggings and underwear.

He doesn't seem to bother himself with the awkwardness. And every time you look at his face, he seems indifferent, bored even. Even then, his face is unnaturally beautiful, even with the scar.

He must really not like people.

Aemond sighs having taken all his notes.

"We'll do one training session and see how much weight we can do" he instructs. You nod.

"I expect you to be in the gym four times a week, three in the week and once at the weekend. We'll do one session together a week so I can check your progress" 

His tone is so flat, all you can do is nod. He looks at you,

"Got it?" 

Your cheeks heat up, "Um, yeah"

"Good"

He leads you outside to the actual gym floor which luckily isn't too busy, side-eyeing you massively when you pull your hair up into a ponytail to get it off your neck.

His large form leads you over to where the mats are kept, haphazardly throwing two to the floor.

He doesn't say anything past one or two word commands and it's incredibly difficult to not look in the mirror in front of you to watch him as he stretches. The way he stretches his arms over his head and it lifts the hem of his shirt a little, showing his happy trail, biceps rippling.

And when he does leg stretches, instructing you to do the same, you can't help but stare at how his thighs are basically bulging out from his sweats. It takes all of your strength and will to not look any higher than that towards his hips.

He watches your form as you try and copy him stretching. And your heart almost leaps into your chest when he uses his hand to move your ankle slightly, so that you put pressure on a certain muscle. But he focuses completely, professional.

Fuck, be professional.

All caution is thrown completely to the wind when he gets you on machines. He demonstrates some of them first, starting with the so-called 'easier' ones, like the inner and outer thigh machines that look way too…suggestive.

Of course, he's got it on a ridiculous weight to demonstrate which makes you scoff a bit. And when you get on the inner thigh machine, it locks into place with your legs spread. You thank every god there is that there's no mirror in front of you on this machine.

"You have to start with your legs spread as much as possible" he states simply, pushing the pads against your legs even further. It makes your eyes widen, sinful thoughts pop up in your head. But before they take root you shake them away.

It's ridiculously hard the first few times and he raises an eyebrow.

"Really?" He mocks a bit, the tiniest of smirks on his face "you're only on 14kg" 

"Fuck off" you mutter under your breath. He tuts and changes it to 9kg, bruising your ego a bit. But you finish the set nonetheless.

You think he's a bit of a psycho, because after that little remark he has you on every leg machine available. Making fun every time you have to be on the lowest weight.

After the session, you're aching in places you didn't even know existed and you haven't even rested yet. Knowing full well you'll be achy as fuck tomorrow and even wlrse than right now. The faintest sheen of sweet is visible on your pinkened chest.

"You're weaker than I thought" 

He runs his long fingers through his hair and you want to slap that stupid fucking self-indulgent look off his smug face seeing you all out of puff like this.

"Thanks, means a lot" you say sarcastically, drinking from a water bottle. He raises an eyebrow at the attitude.

"I'll send you your workout plan. If you have any issues do me a favour and don't bother me with them" he retorts.

"Charming" you mutter under your breath once he's gone past you. You watch as he walks away, briefly appreciating his broad shoulders, until the sour taste of his poor behaviour settles in. And you huff, texting Baela immediately.

You curse every god there is that you drive a manual car, because right now the thought of having your aching leg pressing on the clutch pedal might actually drive you to mass-murder.

This is going to be a long month.

Taglist: @mrsgrwy @lovelykhaleesiii

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: EP8 Sand & Ray's 'Never Friends' Scene

I wanted to do a deep dive into this scene, because it really exceeded my expectations. It sets the tone beautifully for Sand's current state of mind, and First delivers such a wonderful, nuanced performance here. Easily one of my favourite Ray/Sand interactions yet.

Sand is looking noticeably weary after witnessing Ray and Mew dancing in the bar. The poor boy just looks so tired and dejected, as if he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Unfortunately for him, the bar is where he works so he's not able to avoid being in a place Ray and Mew frequent together.

Ray approaches and tries to behave as he normally would. He asks to borrow Sand's lighter, a little call back to Episode 1. The camera lingers on Ray's reaction when Sand simply hands it over. Another nod to where Sand had lit his cigarette for him previously. A split second detail, a very clear message: 'It's not my role to take care of you anymore. You have someone else for that now'.

Sand being Sand, is still concerned about how Ray is doing and asks about his arm. They fall into a little routine patter before Sand gets straight to the point. I give him such kudos for doing this, for choosing not to skirt around the subject but confront it head on. Besides, it's not as if avoiding it is going to make it hurt any less. "So what's going on between you and Mew?" Sand frames it as a question, because he wants to hear it from Ray himself. It's the least he deserves. There's also a challenging air in the way Sand looks at Ray with his eyebrows slightly raised. 'Humor me. And don't lie.'

Ray looks visibly uncomfortable and hesitant. I do believe Ray exhibits a conscience where Sand is concerned. He at least has the decency to feel guilty. I think he was hoping they could continue 'as normal' for a little while longer, so he wouldn't have to tackle this difficult conversation. Ray's wordless reaction gives Sand all the confirmation he needs.

Before Ray has anything to say, Sand jumps in with, "Congrats, you're no longer in the friend zone." The way he says this feels 100% genuine. I do think that Sand wishes the best for Ray, because he's in exactly the same position as Ray once was - pining after someone who doesn't return his feelings. So he gets it. He can acknowledge how nice it must be for Ray to finally be reciprocated. This is an example of Sand's 'if you're happy, I'm happy for you' response, because it means the attention is deflected off him.

What Ray says next is also quite telling. He's says things are good but it's very early days, and they're essentially seeing how it goes. "It's okay." Note how Ray doesn't gush or seem particularly animated. A few brief but fairly non-descriptive comments. You'd expect him to be over the moon. I feel like this is Ray's attempt to be minimise the damage by downplaying things. He doesn't want to overly dwell or flaunt his happiness in Sand's face. I also believe there's a degree of honesty here, that Ray has some genuine reservations about Mew and their future as a couple, (that perhaps he's been trying to ignore).

The next few lines absolutely gutted me. "Good, you can finally end the secret crush. Such a waste of time, right?" 'Good for you, you're no longer suffering (like I am)'. When Sand talks about a waste of time, he's referring to himself. 'At least you no longer have to kill time with me, when you really wanted to be with Mew, what a relief that must be.' Sand is massively self-deprecating here. The time they spent together was not special. It didn't have the same meaning to Ray as it did to Sand. Everything he did was meaningless in context because he thinks Ray was simply 'settling for second best' in the meantime. Sand often uses this tone to imply his own foolishness. For continuing to care so much for Ray when he's getting nothing back.

Ray then asks "Are you okay?" I've noticed that when Ray poses this question, he's not really asking. He already knows or he wouldn't ask in the first place. He's basically saying, 'You're not okay but tell me why', allowing Sand to further divulge. However, Sand is never going to give a honest answer to that question. He's always putting on a brave face and pretending to be okay even when he clearly isn't.

Sand then comes back with his classic, "Why wouldn't I be?" "You're seeing someone you've always loved. It's a dream come true." Not a single thing Sand is saying is about his own feelings. His own pain. His own turmoil. He's purposely shifting the focus to Ray, 'well you're happy so I don't matter. It's your dream come true, so my feelings aren't part of this equation' - which just breaks my goddamn heart. 'Who cares what I feel or think about this. I get no say.'

Ray ponders for a second or two. You can tell he's at a loss as to how to salvage things with Sand without losing him completely. So he offers the next best thing he can, in order to still keep Sand around. "Can we still be friends?" Which means, 'I still want to spend time with you. I still want you to be part of my life'. And Ray's face is full of hopeful naïveté that Sand will agree (this boy really has no idea how agonising that would be). For Sand, this is like adding insult to injury. 'Friends' has no clear definition in Ray's terms, and Sand is wary of Ray's tendency to blur that line. So Ray asking him if they can still be friends doesn't really mean anything, which prompts Sand's "You and I have never been friends from the get-go". 'We need to stop fooling ourselves that what we were doing was ever friendship. I've woken up, you need to too'. Sand is not prepared to participate in muddying the waters, especially now Ray is dating someone. It's not fair to anyone involved.

"We have nothing in common. Besides, I don't know why I should be friends with you." This is probably the harshest thing Sand says in this entire conversation. He's very pointedly trying to create distance. Despite evidence to the contrary, he's alluding to differences between them that should justify that distance, justify him pulling away. Sand is just so resigned and matter of fact about all this because he knows there's nothing Ray can say to refute his thinking. It's all far too late anyway.

Ray displays a moment of slight panic and he's clearly thrown by this. 'It's not like that. Don't reduce it to that'. One thing we can be sure of is it upsets Ray to imagine no longer having any connection to Sand. This indicates to me that Ray does value Sand in his own way. Right now he just has no idea what he can offer to keep Sand close to him, because there is no legitimate reason for doing so since he now has Mew.

As a form of consolation, or perhaps a last ditch attempt to tug on Sand's heart strings, he admits, "but when I'm with you, I'm so damn happy." Ray means well by saying this, as in you make me happy. 'That's got to mean something, right?' But by phrasing it this way, it comes across as he's making this all about him. Sand is desperately searching for evidence to prove Ray does care about him, and he keeps coming up empty. He's run out of reasons to stick around anymore. And Ray's not saying the right things to prove him wrong.

Sand deflects again. '(So what if I might make you happy?) You'll be happy with Mew too. I'm nothing special. You'll get to spend time with him in the same way we did'. "You might even be happier," said with a smile no less. Another absolutely gut wrenching line. Sand's sadness clears briefly and he looks sincerely like he wishes Ray the best. It almost feels like a farewell of sorts. 'He'll make you happier than I did. Because I'm not good enough. I'm not what you want.' This is yet further indication that Sand doesn't think he's left any lasting impression on Ray. Whatever they shared with one another, Ray can easily replicate with Mew instead. He's easily replaceable.

Ray reaches out to stop Sand from walking away. Ray is conflicted. He feels regretful over Sand, which he shouldn't be feeling. He's worried that this time Sand is really slipping from his fingers, and there's nothing he can do about it. Because what's done is done. He chose Mew. So what else is there to say?

Sand follows up with, "Let me go already." 'Stop torturing me. Stop giving me false hope when you've already made your choice. Forget me so you can continue being happy and I can move on. Don't make this difficult for me.' Even in this line, I can hear Sand's care for Ray permeating through it. Sand knows he's isn't what Ray wants. He can make Ray happy but not happy enough to choose him. So the best he can do is to send Ray on his way, and to wish him well. All he asks is for Ray to return the favour, and leave him alone to heal. Akin to his addiction, Sand is telling Ray that he needs to let go from clinging to him like a crutch. Because the only purpose he serves is a crutch and nothing more.

He wants Ray to want him for him, and not as a safety net. Not because he provides Ray with some form of temporary comfort or company. Not because he's a means to pass the time.

Why I adore this scene so much is due to the enormous strength and kindness Sand displays here. He could have been much colder with Ray. He could have been petty, outraged, bitter, resentful. But you truly sense his helpless love for Ray throughout the entire interaction. He's still trying to deliver his message in the most considerate way he can manage. He firmly holds his ground but without any malice. 'The tragedy is I can't help but love you, despite what you've done to me'.

[coyoteprince]

I am really, really going Through It right now, but... in the best way possible? Like, really good things? It's just a lot to juggle at once so I'm absolutely wore out from a massive growth spurt

I deserve to be joyous about this so:

-New house! All our own! We're even moving during October (date was pushed back due to philly market), very spiritually important time for me

-Getting married next Fall once things calm down, finally, after being engaged for a few years

-Came to terms with Widderwood being an important purpose in my life, an art that feeds my soul- even if the result remains small, all this work isn't a waste, because the process enriches my life and brings me joy. The many years of dedication I've had for it is a sign that it's the right choice for me to continue following, and am super looking forward to the years of doing the actual page layouts. I've been setting realistic expectations to maintain my happiness with production, am working it into my new schedule, and I get to ink the pages at my antique writing desk in the sunroom as I look out at our back garden once we move... waow

-Learning a ton of important things about myself- my fears, roots of problems and behaviors thanks to trauma and ego that I didn't notice. I'm being kinder to myself, less judgemental of others, and letting go of other's projections rather than continuing to internalize them. I know what I am, how to be empathetic and accept my missteps, but also what isn't worth my time and energy.

-Learning how to adjust my desire for perfection in myself to much more healthy & reasonable level, and being more willing to delegate

-Rebuilding my business internally from the ground up for success, seeking continuous education for business & science, and after years of struggling and testing, FINALLY figuring out a work-life method that works for my messed up desires-varience autism brain. Balance!

-Similarly, figuring out how to balance cooking for two autistic people who have greatly different cravings & stims

-Realizing what a hard working, loyal, and loving person I am with an unrivaled, firey dedication to change and self improvement. Capricorn to an eerie degree.

Overall I feel like I'm in the transitional period between continuing to be poisoned by the aftermath of prolonged abuse and illness, and finding peace while blossoming far beyond what happened to me. Something I've strived for, but wasn't sure I'd ever have. In a way, it's obtaining independence and finding out who I really am as a person, unclouded by other's words and fearful what-ifs.

20 something years of being locked away. About 8 more years of new experiences, perspectives, professional help, love, and grueling work to dismantle things in myself. I guess this is what real healing and responsibility looks like- at least in my case. I'll never stop growing, but I am at a pivotal point of change.

What I've experience is important to me because it set the projectile for my life. I want to be somewhat open because I want others to be aware of what autistic children often experience and how it affects them long term... but I also know I have more to me and don't have to be haunted anymore. Turning an unpleasant experience into a tool I can control is a lovely reward and I can now whole heartedly say: I love being alive.

[die-rosastrasse]

I did not complete my art degree and I feel so worthless and lost

I didn't complete my degree either, and if I did, it would be the biggest regret of my life. I did everything for 3 years, but at the end I failed to write my thesis because it felt so incredibly difficult, like a mountain I have to climb on my own with tied feet during a snowstorm. In my youth, my parents would put incredible pressure on me having a degree. For them, it was either studying or working as a street cleaner (as if there's something wrong with that). Yet I found passion and motivation outside of it and I realized there's a third way for me. Not intellectual work that drains me, and not wasting your life on hard work that you hate. There's probably a hundred different ways to be honest. For some, it's academia, but definitely not for me, their approach to my excessive learning left me almost traumatised by constant exploitation of my brain. Even though I quit because of shattered mental health, I felt completely worthless, and I felt like I didn't deserve my parents love, because that is what you teach your smart golden child - that love is conditional and tied to your good grades and academic success. They failed to realize that my true potential was never intelligence, but creativity and curiosity of the world. That's what I focused on during my studies and now that they're my distant past. Exploring your potential, learning about yourself, asking yourself, what you're actually good at and what YOU want to do. Self fulfillment. Self discovery. Passion that you would die for. If you love art and art history and you know that's what you want to do, then do it like YOU want to, be obsessed with it, bleed for it, but do it because you love it so much. You don't like it that much? Do yourself a favor and focus on something that's actually fascinating. If you're not so mad at academia like I am, you can finish the degree years from now, or start another course. But remember that there is so many different ways of life that bring happiness and fulfilment, and if the degree was not it, let it go. There's something so exciting waiting for you out there. Maybe you're not lost, maybe you're on your way to find yourself.

[loser-female]

I know it's a first world problem, especially because I do actually have a job I like that I do in full remote and pays me more money than I deserve, but the knowledge of me losing a job opportunity because I don't have a degree completely broke my motivation to do stuff 🫠🫠🫠

Like I fully understand why, it makes sense, I have the habit of sending resumes even where I don't fully match the description (and it works, clearly lmao). Job hopping (in the IT field) in my country is the most effective way to climb the ladder and earn more. That's my reason lmao. And ok I'm definitely getting promoted anyway this year, most likely due to the fact that I run 70% alone a service.

I also got called back to be told that if I want I can try again(which means send it again imho?), but without the degree I'm wasting my time.

Idk how to get this off me, mostly because I felt poked in my #1 insecurity.

I shouldn't be so angry at myself, it's not like it made my situation worse.

(third edit). I constantly feel like I'm letting myself down. Constantly. And while I have good excuses (hello being in pain all the time is one of the best to not graduate add in "mental health bad bad" and people are surprised that i have a full time job) I still let myself down. I attempted the entrance test for engineering last year but my dad got sick and I ended up doing nothing of it. I also failed for half a point because I'm a moron and I didn't get any accomodation for my ADHD because in my country universities are not required to provide it I would have done way better if I were allowed more time and my mindmaps with formulas I also could have cheated but that's on me

[darlinguistics]

woah who knew i still had it in me to make posts with pictures! /s

i feel like ive been saying "i havent been doing well" on like all of my posts here this year but. still kinda in a weird place. but i wanted to share something positive! yesterday i met with the grad student running the research project i applied to be a research assistant for and !! its official ! and i can start basically asap!

with my adhd and being the first in my family to go passed an associates degree and just the world and (especially the usa) making things like academia feel so not for me, i genuinely cant believe that this kind of opportunity for me is real? let alone that they seemed to want me as much as i wanted them?? im just in awe honestly and really,, relieved? to finally be in something like this, so long-term and led by people way further in their career than me.

as i said i didn't have very academic role models growing up and ive always felt like i was scrambling to stay afloat as i got further along in education because of it, like i wasn't meant to be doing this and the universe was constantly resisting me in a way, and i usually pushed through it but its been really getting to me this past semester or two. so im just so happy to have anything remotely close to a mentor now, anything this real and stable thats on my side, something that just seems unbelievably perfect for me and my interests.. just makes me feel a little less like everything i do here is just me wasting my time or delaying an inevitable huge failure or mental breakdown or something.

i hear a lot from people in my personal life when wins like this happen that "you deserve it" or "you earned it" or "im glad things are turning around" and its nice i guess but its a bit bittersweet. its exhausting that things like this feel so rare for me and that i have to feel so grateful when they happen because im that desperate of them. but i dont wanna spoil the moment for myself by wallowing, i am grateful. so so grateful.

.. woof long post and kinda sentimental sorry about that lol. anyways, im gonna be working on this lab remotely over the summer on top of my korean class so im hoping to be more active here soon (because something about summer academics feels like less pressure lol) and ill be back home so i will definitely need the outlet to stay sane.

hope you guys are well :) i always think fondly of this community even when im not posting super actively and im rooting for all of us <3 spring is almost over! home stretch!!

🎧: insomnia (feat. YAYYOUNG) by dvwn

darling cat <3

[the-forgotten-jack]

i don't think it's a waste

after all, you do deserve care, and you deserve to hear it. even if it doesn't mean much now, because you're a person. you deserve to have that recognized, and to be cared for like a person

...though i am glad that other anon is gone. their words are the opposite of helpful. whether they meant well or not, they didn't behave like it

sorry, it just really irks me. you didn't deserve to have someone be so rude like that. they're not better than you, and i hate that they acted like they were (to a degree. it gave me superiority vibes, though that might just be me)

(also, this is a lil silly, but i would give you my crayons and a coloring page rn if i could. or colored pencils. i dunno, something about it is just really soothing to me, and it feels like it might be something you enjoy, though i might be wrong. sorry about the random little thing here)

heh, yeah... i'm surprised i kept my cool, honestly. irl and here on tumblr. it was weird, like i wasn't even in control, but it was good, because i have no doubt i would've dug myself a deeper pit otherwise.

thanks, both for the metaphorical crayons and the encouragement /gen

[sastiel-is-my-serotonin]

I wish people realized that eating disorders are more than, "I don't like the way I look so I don't eat." That can be a reason someone has one, but me personally, I can't perceive how I look most of the time. Meaning, most of the time I literally can't care what I look like because I don't know what I look like. And yet, I have a very complicated relationship with food.

I like cooking and sharing food with others, and sometimes I like feeding myself, but it's only possible within a set of rules I've set for myself. Not intentionally, just I've realized this over the years.

I don't know all of them, and this is just a few:

If I'm not at home, I'm visiting someone or something and they tell me to grab whatever, I can't. Doesn't matter who they are, I can be at my brothers house and buy the food myself, still can't eat it. If I do I sit with guilt despite not needing to.

Even at home, if the kitchen is too clean, I can't disrupt it and eat. I have to wait for it to not be clean. And afterwards I have to make it cleaner than when I went in there.

Also, I have to earn it. If I didn't do anything, usually clean, or help in some impactful way, I won't eat. Unless I'm served, because then that's rude and wasteful. But even that isn't enough sometimes.

Also, I can never grab the last of something. Because what if someone wanted it more? Who am I to take the last one of something that someone might be looking forward to?

These are stackable rules as well, and even if I catch myself doing these things I can't necessarily stop it. If I have someone to eat with that sometimes helps but that's not guaranteed to work.

And it's so funny to me that like I know now that I have a huge problem with eating and convincing myself to eat but because eating disorders are typically talked about with weight and wanting to be skinnier, things like that, I didn't realize I had one.

There's multiple things that feed into this disorder for me as well, I'm sure like OCD, and sometimes Autism play into it. Which makes it harder to stop it sometimes.

It's awful when things are contaminated even though they're not. Like, drinks are a struggle if they aren't bottled and even that is iffy. Because when it's left alone too long then a bunch of what ifs play through and I can't touch it. But the same can play out for food.

And when there's no safe foods and I'm already struggling to eat, I got no chance.

It especially sucks when I'll be doing good, eating three meals a day, but as soon as it feels like we're running out of food, I cannot eat. Because I'm taking away from others and I cannot replace it so I cannot eat.

It's a frustrating battle because I can acknowledge that I'm helping no one by starving myself and still lie there thinking about how much I don't deserve it. Everyone deserves food, but I'm not a part of that collective.

I think it's worse knowing none of this correct, that I don't need these rules and I didn't even intend to set them for myself but they've been there for so long and just because they're nonsensical, it doesn't mean I won't follow them.

Because knowing what's wrong with me doesn't magically give me the tools to fix them, and even with the right tools, sometimes tools break.

That being said though, it did help to a degree understanding that I had an eating disorder, I can give myself some level of grace and sometimes use spite as a means of eating.

It's great when I also can rig the rules sometimes, like I can't eat because blah blah, hey, you're hungry, I'm cooking for us. That sort of thing works.

But I couldn't figure out any of that until I knew what the problem was. And that's kind of why I wish eating disorders are talked about showing more sides of its this problem. They don't all stem from what we look like but they absolutely can be from that.

[fonulyn]

1, 3, and 18.

I can't imagine what your answers will be for the first 2 :P

1. if you could save one character from their demise (consequences to the plot be damned) who would it be? 

lmao this is cheating you know the answer :'D everyone who's followed me for more than two minutes knows the answer. there's no other option! this is just. obviously it's Piers. he deserved so much better. I'd save him in a heartbeat, everyone else be damned.

3. any characters you feel were done absolutely DIRTY by capcom? are they victims of wasted potential or character assassination or what?

Piers. first and foremost. there was no fucking reason to kill him. assholes. urghhhh. wasted everything. i will go to my grave bitter about this. i can't even elaborate any more because I'm already upset thinking about it. they friggin' had alternate endings in the first damn game, they could've at least given us the option to save him. even if it would've been the "non-canonical" ending. pffth.

Jake. he is such a good character. he's fun and witty, and although he's also a bit of a dick he has a giant heart. not to mention how he's already tied to the franchise like... there would be so much to explore with how he's Wesker's son and how he struggles with that, how he doesn't want to be defined by his father but how it also obviously affects him, and how he has such conflicting feelings about it. it would've been so interesting. they could've made him work with Chris (and Jill, tbh), which would've been even more interesting considering what happened with Wesker in the past. and they wasted all of that. for what??? i'm so mad :'D

also Sherry, tbh, to a degree. I would've loved to see more of her, after we got her back in re6. she's a compelling, interesting character, also with ties to the original early games.

also Sheva and Jill. Sheva was only an one-off character but there's no reason they couldn't have brought her back. and what's up with Jill just disappearing off the face of the earth after re5???

ALSO Krauser. the dynamic between him and Leon, the way he was cast aside and struggled and went from a good guy to a villain? I would've loved to get more of that. i keep saying this but why can't they make more Revelations-games, to give us all those good stories from between the main games??? PLEASE CAPCOMMMM.

18. favorite quotes?

oh my gosh we're gonna be here all day... there are so many. I could list like, every single thing Leon says in RE4 :'D and in RE6... and a lot of what he says in Damnation or Vendetta lmao. but I'm gonna try to limit myself.

from Leon, my serious faves are

the speech he makes outside Kendo's, most notably the: “I want to find out what’s happening here. And stop whoever’s behind it. Helping people like them, that’s why I joined the force.”

the talk with Jason in ID, especially: "You cannot save a country if you don't give a damn about the people in it!" and "There were people alive in there. There were families alive in there. And they didn't even try to get them out. So, tough call my ass!"

in RE6, as small as it is, the "We're making the time."

those all speak of his character so much and I wanna weeeeeeep.

the funny faves are, among others, "Chew on that, you overgrown son of a bitch!" and "Where's everyone going? Bingo?" and "I don't ever remember being a part of your crappy script." and "Your right hand comes off?" and "There was no one at the controls. Zombie express." like. classics :'D

I also love how he tells Jake "Welcome to the club. You get used to it."

(this is more a translation thing but I love how when he says in Vendetta that "Careful you don't scare the locals. Your stealth's for shit." it's translated into finnish basically as "Careful you don't scare the locals. You sneak like hippos." :'D aside from that, almost everything Leon says at the bar in Vendetta makes me want to cry)

and from OTHERS, I love when Piers goes "Nobody's expendable." he is so good. also it always makes me laugh when he says "I'm the best driver the BSAA got!" because I certainly am not and I keep driving him into the walls. "I'M THE BEST DRIVER //crashes into a wall" :'D

oh oh oh and Piers and Jake in the elevator things??? "Jesus Christ, do you ever shut up? What, are you trying to piss me off?" "I don't trust you, and I don't like you." like. babies :'D

i also love when Jake goes "You better put a leash on that puppy." but I love even more when he speaks of his father and how it now makes sense how messed up he is, and Sherry goes "You can blame your father all you want, but at some point, you need to take responsibility for your own actions." like tell him girl!

...i'm sure i'm forgetting like a million things and I am so so sorry for how rambly this got :'D

-

for the RE ask game!

[artdecosupernova-writing]

Word Prompt

Word: Low WIP: WASTE Timeline: directly leading into the events that result in Scotty being implanted into Guetry's brain CW: drug abuse, alcohol abuse, death, injury, overdose, bad choices Word Count: 748 Additional Notes: I'm still not sure if this is going to be exactly how it goes down, but either way, it's something similar

***

I could almost hear the enraged French spitting at me as my father started hissing the moment I stepped through the door to my apartment. Only he wasn't inside, he was probably all the way on Earth somewhere in the south of America, unaware that I'd just been discharged from a Node hospital with nothing to show for my self-aggrandizing heroics than an arm covered in third-degree burns and the memories of several dying venevan children.

I hadn't smiled in six weeks.

I don't even think I remembered how.

Darkness felt comfortable, so I kept my lights off, patiently listening to my dad swearing at me up and down in a beautiful mix of French, Texan epithets, and whatever he picked up from the younger entrepreneurs on Mars. All in my head, of course. Yes, Dad. I'm bête comme mon pieds, and come hell or high water I'm gonna get my brain blown through a comet's ass. For sure.

The first of the gin splashed down the back of my throat and I nearly threw it all up immediately. It was as if my body knew what was coming, but I had to stop the guilt. The raw, crushing guilt, my god, it was so heavy.

I didn't know how to cope with the faces staring at me behind my closed eyelids, the innocent little faces I tried so desperately to save on Veneve, and I fucking tried. I really, really did. I tried to save them, and then I tried ignoring it, I tried pushing it to the back of my mind and blasting some music through the entire apartment, tried jumping jacks to shake it out of my brain, tried playing cards to pretend it never happened.

But it happened. Those kids, those children…they didn't deserve it. God, they were so small, and they had no one, and I told each of them I loved them before they couldn't hold on anymore, but it's never enough, it's never enough...

Before I could really take stock of my actions, what was left of an open bottle of gin had disappeared down my gullet. I opened a brand new one and crushed a bunch of reaver rock with the cap in my ceramic mortar. Gray crystals broken down into a salt consistency, dumped into my pipe, and lit up with a plasma lighter, and my goal was clear—forget. Get high as fuck. And forget.

The gin stifled the annoying headache that usually accompanied a reaver rock high, and I realized I'm a fucking genius right around the time I realized my fingers were going numb. Oh, shit, Guetry, don't go too far, but maybe a little more to choke out the snickering demon whispering that you roasted your right side to a crisp and have limited mobility for absolutely nothing in your ear. He's gone, but you'd better do a little more to be absolutely sure he's gone. Okay, a little more than that won't hurt.

Dancing around the living room, smoke clouding the ceiling, dark patches on the carpet from where I spilled gin trying to open it, spots of blood on my shirt from trying to snort some of the rock I crushed into powder because I thought that it would hit faster, feeling pretty damn good about myself as time went on.

I did my best in everything I did, and that was all I could ask for. Those kids got to be held in their final moments. I went around to every single one of them in the hospital, ignoring my own pain, told them I loved them, and held them. I told them I was sorry. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Neon lights from the city outside filled the whole apartment through my open blinds and I laughed at the shuttles flying around, colors blending together and sounds giving way to a gradually increasing high-pitched whine.

My tongue started to swell. It felt like thousands of little beetles had decided to burrow inside of it, crawling around and trying to empty into my skull through the roof of my mouth, so I had to remove my tongue. It had to go. God, how annoying. I liked that tongue.

Try as I did, I could not pull my tongue out, but the whine was now loud enough to hurt and the edges of my vision began to darken and cold sweat soaked through my clothes and I couldn't feel my legs and

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi-hi, may I ask some comfort from the Choi twins? And I'm sorry in advance for how long this is going to be...

It's exam season in my country now, and that means I'm helping my friends study and/or making sure they're taking proper care of themselves. This year is special though, 'cause a lot of them are graduating! Of course, I'm super happy and proud of them, but it does make me feel a bit conflicted.

Like, I left uni to work as a simple batista, and I don't regret this choice of mine. I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I know I wouldn't be true to myself if I forced myself to pursue higher education just because it's something I'm supposed to do in order to be successful. While I've cut ties with my mother and her side of a family a long time ago, 'cause she is the source of all my childhood trauma, I still talk to my dad. He's a great guy and I know he loves me - hell, he put up with a loveless marriage just because he wanted to be by my side, since he knew he wouldn't be able to get custody of me. But, uh, that's a story for another time.

Thing is, I was always the 'gifted' kid. I was the smartest, the quickest, the one who has so much potential it's borderline uncanny. While my home-life was disastrous, all of my teachers, friends, colleagues always told me the same thing. You're going to make a name for yourself, just wait. And, well... Now I'm just a simple batista, nothing less, nothing more. It's a choice I made for myself, because I hated the way the world worked. I didn't want to compete for a good position and I didn't want to always live with this pressure to be innovative, to be better, to be quicker on my shoulders. I realized that I didn't want my career to be the source of my happiness and my worth.

So, I left. But now... As I'm approaching the moment I'll be watching my loved ones get their degrees and start on their professional journey... I'm feeling kind of bitter. My dad never approved of my choice, neither did my teachers. The all think that it's a huge shame. That I'm so much smarter and better than any student they've ever met, and that I would be so successful if I just tried. Basically, I'm burying my own huge potential, and... even though he never said such a thing, I know that my dad is ashamed of me. I mean, what is he supposed to say to his relatives about his amazing daughter that is always held up as a role model for their kids? That I work in a cafe as a fast-food worker? (that's not really what I'm doing but it gets viewed this way)

I guess I'm letting these negative opinions get to me. I know I wouldn't be happy as a career woman, even if I do have the potential for it. My life right now is simple, and that's how I like it. I don't need to worry about following any recent trends, beating my opponents so that I get the position I want or pretending to be someone I'm not. I make tasty drinks and I make these career people who come to our cafe during their breaks smile. Maybe I could have gotten into a creative field, but, again, I hate the way the system works. I don't want to work hard to make a name for myself. So, I'm fine creating as a hobby, not as a job.

I guess I just want someone to look at me as I am now - happy, at peace with myself and free - and tell me that they're proud of me and that they accept me as I am. I don't want to hear any more talk about me burying my own potential and living a life I seemingly don't deserve 'cause I'm meant for something greater. Getting some much needed comfort from these boys whom also probably had to deal with such remarks once they're free to do whatever the want, would be a dream :(

Saeran and Saeyoung aren't going to tell you that a simple life is a wasted life. All they've ever wanted is a chance to experience a life that anyone else could have. You don't need to do impossible feats for you to have a fulfilling life. A life is a life, and they're all worth the journey you take. As long as you're happy with the road you're on, it isn't hurting anyone. You don't need to make others happy, you only need to make yourself happy.

Sure, there are plenty of people who would look at Saeyoung and think he could be anything he wanted with his brains. He could get another massive intelligence unit started, he could fund a company that makes toys for kids in need, he could advance technology to be accessible for disabled people, and so much more. Sure, he could do all that. He might even! But, he doesn't need people telling him to do that. He needs people telling him that he can do whatever he wants.

Even if that means he's doing "nothing".

If Saeyoung is content with a normal life that has him tinkering in a basement for fun while he lives with his family, that's fine. That's his life to lead and the only thing that matters is that he's happy. It's the same for his brother, too.

Saeran is free from everything he suffered, too. He could go on to do anything he wants to do with his brilliant mind. He even spends a lot of time talking to his MC about what the future would look like cause' he hasn't decided where he wants to go or what he wants to do. But, that's his right. He doesn't need to suddenly do something drastic or make a decision right at that moment. He can even change his mind later if he makes a choice today.

He is allowed to do whatever he wants. He can travel the world with nothing in mind but the experience ahead. He doesn't need to find out what's next. He can be "lazy" for once and he can "take a break". He doesn't need to be doing something every step of the way. He's allowed to relax. He doesn't need to know what he's doing tomorrow or the next time. It's not wasting his life.

It's the same story for you. You don't need to let anyone decide what is and isn't a perfect life for you. You're not a failed dream nor are you someone who needs to pay back into what was given to you as a kid. You just need to experience life as you make it. You don't need to go out and make a name for yourself, dear. All you need to do is make a life that makes you happy. If that means being a barista, by all means, you're not wasting your life.

You can't waste your life if you're doing something that makes you feel complete. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. You can always linger on the "what if" and that's okay. But, don't count yourself out. You can do something different tomorrow if you want, but if you're okay with what you have today, that's just as good.

All that matters is that you know you're happy with where you are and that it's okay if it changes in the future. But only you are the one that gets to decide when and if that's the case. That's what Saeyoung and Saeran would tell you.

[pbandjesse]

I had a really nice day. It was beautiful out and I felt happy. I also was productive and had a date with James and that was really nice. I feel good.

I slept alright last night. Waking up sucked. I felt super dehydrated and very Shakey. It was not ideal. I tried my best to shake it off. I laid there for a while but I knew I had to get up to feel better.

So I did that. It helped to drink some water. I got dressed and felt alright. I had a breakfast of cake. And I just had a nice little my morning. Just chilled on the couch.

I decided I would go to burger king and get a milkshake and fries because it was hot out and I deserved it. The girl at the window was really sweet. And I was happy to have my snack.

I went to art with a heart next. And sat in the parking lot with the windows open. It was really really beautiful out.

Eventually I went inside. I brought in my bags from Wednesday's class. And picked up the fabric Julie left for me. The building was super warm. So I went to figure out how to turn on the AC and found it was 78 degrees in there. Thankfully it would cool off pretty quick.

Paris came soon and she helped me find the art from our last class. I was sure they were gone because I couldn't find them anywhere but Paris did and it helped a lot of my stress. I was already slightly stressed because the tables were set up differently and I didn't want anyone to get upset because the space was different. Thankfully no one cared, so it was just me. And hoenslty the new table set up worked better for this project so it was good.

And it was a really good class. The teens were great. Some came early and I just got them started and so we have a really good rolling class with people starting as they came in and it worked really well. Two teen sisters who didn't seem to like the project much last time, seemed much happier with the project this time. Just a brighter look in their eyes. And they did so good.

The artist we were basing the work on, Frank Smith, was inspired by jazz so I put on a John Coltrane radio station and we had just some lovely background music throughout.and they really all seemed to love this project. I had a great time bouncing around and chatting with them. It was fun.

Towards the end of the first hour just one girl was left with her mom. And we had a big long conversation about becoming a vegetarian and travel and foods we like and don't like. I really am glad I took on this class. It is a little hard to think about giving up my Sundays but like. It brings me so much joy every time.

The adult half of the class also went great. In some ways even better. They really responded to the art. One of them even gave me a piece of origami they made. Which made me feel really special!

And I really tried to encourage everyone but I am also trying to move away from blanket language like "I like that!" Or "that's so nice!" And giving like legit feedback about color, texture, and composition. I still say the other stuff but I'm trying to add more.

Naomi and Paris both made me feel very smart for getting us two pitchers. One for clean water to pour into cups and one for waste water that has paint in it. So we don't have to keep walking to the other side of the building to dump things. The only problem was when I found one of the pitchers it had what I thought was old paint water in it. I went to sniff it on case it was musty but no. It was not paint water. It was acetone?? Burn the inside of my nose and was very shocking! I rinsed it really good and washed out the pitcher before we used it but man it was surprising.

We finished up the day and collected all the art. Paris went and put it away and I finished packing up the tables with Naomi cleaned the brushes and cups. We are a good team.

I locked the building and they helped bring out Mary Ellen's (our contact with BAS) things. And then it was time to go.

It was so beautiful out. So once I got home I just stayed out on the stoop to wait for Callie to get there. And she wasnt far. It was so nice to see her. And I walked her through getting in our apartment and all of our keys and where we keep all the pet foods and who gets what and when.

I showed her the plants and the tanks and we went through anything that could go wrong. I really appreciate her so much for doing this. And!! I was super excited that the tevas I got fit her!! So I gave those to her. And we talked about camp and soon James was home.

James said they needed a new phone holder for their bike. And so I said we would go to target and find one and then get dinner. We chilled with Callie for a bit longer. Just talking. And then she headed out. And we did too.

It was really nice to just be with James. We drovr through the city and went to target. Where it was very very busy?? Very long lines. We found the bike phone holder. And James also got socks and bought me a new pair of hoop earrings. And then James went and waited in the very long line while I looked around a little more before joining them.

We checked out and headed to Mathews, a pizza palace James really lies, for dinner.

And they were also busy but mostly because the phone kept ringing for pick up orders. We ate in and the pizza we got was excellent. It had Thai hot sauce and red onions on it. I am hoping that they don't upset my stomach because that's usually just white onions I can't get without feeling sick. And this tasted super good. Though I did get a little frustrated when I ran out of soda and my mouth was on fire. But James would go and ask for a refill for me and I love them for that because I know they were uncomfortable doing it.

After our dinner we came home and I was happy with the breeze and opened the backdoor. James did the laundry. I finished printing all of my Aesop's pieces. And then took a long bath.

After my bath James pulled a book off the shelf for me. And I read for a little. And then all of a sudden I heard crying and I look out the window and Sweetp was locked on the fire escape!! I felt so bad!!! I don't know how long he was out there but it was to long? He was just looking at me and I was like. No!!! Baby!! So James let him in and I apologized a whole bunch. My poor baby.

And now I have been slowly writing my post and watching videos and James has mostly fallen asleep. And I hope to sleep soon. Tomorrow I have a training at camp. And I hope it is fun. I hope you all have a good night. Sleep well and be safe!! Until next time!!

[kaiiiiloml]

I can't do this anymore

My family look at me like i'm piece of garbage, and my sister gets so much verbal abuse from my uncles, she does a lot for people but people don't see that.

I really hate my uncles, they think they're doing so well or a lot but they bully people who don't have or cannot do much.

I feel so alone

I want to die already

I already relapsed again

They wouldn't care if i left, only because i did the stuff they didn't want to do with my grandma. But it seems now they would rather get someone else to it, it's fine i guess i didn't do enough for anyone.

If i leave, my sister would have her own room. ♡ i hope she'll like that 🤍

Not having to fight about who deserves a room in the house. So childish

I'm so close to the edge, that anything will push me to do it, i think it will happen. Another on the inside of me wants to live and have a life but it'll be such a waste because i wouldn't be able to, i can't handle my thoughts anymore (the amount of years with it, i lost) and the amount of words pointed at me is too much now. I may look weak to people or look sad but know it was because of some people who made it worse when i tried to do better and make it.

I'm sorry the way i look and am, a useless fat human being who doesn't do shit.

Braces were not gonna change the way i look, i was ugly anyhow in many ways, my mind, the way i look, and how i am to people i guess

I'll be gone before you know it

I won't be anyone's problem

I wasn't meant to be here anyway, i don't have a future.

Please don't remember me

I'm glad i got a taste of happiness for once in my life, it's what i needed to leave.

Even though everything i did i was a problem to everyone, or someone would think i don't deserve it.

Yes i didn't have a driver's license and it was so important to them, or even have a degree in anything useful to pay for bills. I wasn't sure of anything either, there was nothing i was good in, college was just a set up for me to fail anyway.

I just wasn't enough for them or anything....i'm sorry

I'll leave,

- ri

[an-asuryampasya]

[venting into the void]

screammm. It's been two weeks and I still don't really feel like I've properly accepted this master's program I'm doing. Sure, I'm attending classes and stuff but I keep catching myself feeling it's all a bit unreal, and not in a good way. In a 'hmm this was a fun experiment, I'm ready to go home now' kinda way. Sort of? I really don't know how to describe it. But I just. Don't know if this is it. And that is Not Fun because getting here was a pain. Choosing to walk away from engineering, or my dad made sure to impress upon me, "wasting my seat at one of the country's best universities that could've gone to someone who would've at least done justice to the seat and been more deserving of the heavily subsidised education you received" was not a decision I made easily. I really wish I made it knowing WHAT I wanted to do instead, and not this nebulous idea of "something in the arts". I know it was a decision I made at the time since it felt the only way I could stay sane, but aaaaaaaah I really wish I had had something more concrete to base it on.

I can just walk away from this degree, but I really wish I wasn't even contemplating it. I won't drop out, because I'm a coward, but sweet fuck how I wish I didn't even want to. I don't even know what I'd go towards anyway, so might as well do this I suppose. Aaaaaah how I hope I feel more excited about this course soon.

I hate it here. Hate /everything/ about this stupid place. Delhi can go die. I mean the sheer number of museums and historic buildings is very nice, I'll give it that, but that's about the only thing that's even passably nice about this stupid place. fuck, within a week it managed to make me feel comforted by hearing sodding Tamil just because it was a language other than fucking Hindi for once (nothing against Tamil, the cussing is because it really makes no sodding sense to be comforted by a language even more alien to me than Hindi. I know Hindi but don't know a lick of Tamil and yet I was ready to CRY when I heard full sounds and not the aborted consonants (in Hindi you'd say Shiv as opposed to Shiva, etc.))

I don't get it though. I never felt homesick during my undergrad, despite that being a much longer stint outside of home and when I was much younger. Heck, I never even imagined I'd miss Telugu in the first place, given how fucked up my relationship with my own language/culture is. And YET. Took less than a week over here to get me, someone who's already used to living away from home in a land with very different languages and culture, to want to cry because I just wanted to freely be able to say the Telugu equivalent of "my foot" when something annoying happened. It's messing with my brain because I still don't feel comfortable with Telugu and yet I crave it and I don't know what to make of that. I suppose it's nice that since literally nobody around me knows shit about South India (no really, they know NOTHING, can't even tell whole-ass states apart) I can be more telugu-y than I usually feel comfortable being because there's no one around to make me realise how bad at being telugu I am? Like I can gush about pickles without fear because no one will know what basic knowledge about them I lack. I can actually explore how I like presenting myself when there's no one around to test how Well I am doing at being Telugu. And I guess that's sorta nice? I find myself writing in Telugu far more now when I'm writing random stuff to stay awake in class, because no one can judge my shitty handwriting or realise that I don't know how to write some pretty basic stuff in Telugu. Turns out I like some things about being Telugu after all and I feel both joyful and abject despair at this discovery. But whatever, that's something I can work out in time, as I learn to be more forgiving of my past self.

But for now I don't know if I want to continue this course. And it's the first time I /chose/ something entirely on my own and had to really pigheadedly push to get here. So it's terrifying to regret my choice now. Where would I go? And who do I have to blame except my own useless indecisive self. But I don't know how I feel about this place. Hate the city, am not reassured by the university, and the course content isn't exactly blowing my mind or even making me sigh in relief at how different it is from engg. On the contrary, I'm wondering if I should've just stuck to my plan of doing concrete tech - at least that I actively enjoyed to a significant extent.

I may have made a pretty big fucking mistake, aaaaaah. I desperately hope I feel differently soon.

also delhi sucks so much.

[nyxopenjournal]

Life seems very unmanageable when you have no idea what you want or are supposed to do with yourself anymore. I feel like I already did all the things you're "supposed" to do. I went to school. I got the grades. I got my diploma and my degree. I've had a job in my field & experienced that by the time I was 22. Well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't have a purpose. I don't understand what anything is or who I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do now. And I have no idea how to figure that out. If it were up to me I'd park my car somewhere and sit there until I rot. Or run it into some deep body of water. Or crash it into a building. I want to. Everyday I consider it. It wouldn't be hard. Because honestly what's even the point of me being alive? I don't have a reason to live or wake up. Nobody fucking cares if I'm around or breathing. I'm extremely replaceable. It doesn't matter. I wish it weren't that way. I wish I mattered. I wish I had a place somewhere and meant something to anyone and could find my person and live happily with them. But it's just not realistic for me. It's just not in the cards. I'm not worth that. I've been thinking about "bc you have a piss poor self view" since it was said to me lol. It's true. I fucking hate myself. Bc I'm worthless. There was a time where I actually did like myself and who I was as a person. It seems so far away now and it seems impossible to feel that again. I don't know what I did to get there. I don't know how to get it back. This is so frustrating. Feeling like this everyday. If I could just die in my sleep I think it'd do more good than harm. There wouldn't even need to be a funeral because I'm not important enough for anyone to pretend they'd miss me. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I'd have been gone in 3rd grade and wouldn't have had to experience any of this. I would've been gone instead of being such a burden on anyone I come in contact with. I wish I was dead. It seems so peaceful. Today has been a shit day I woke up feeling like a piece of shit. But that's what I am. It should be normal. I always think I'm starting to be okay until I don't have a distraction in front of me. Going days without work makes me remember what a fucking useless garbage nothing I am. At least then I have a few hours to distract myself from the thinking and then by the time it hits it's too late because I'm too tired to let them simmer much. But then there's the weekend and I remember that I have nothing. And no one wants to be around me and I'm just stumbling around because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or what I want to do. I want to give up so bad. I don't know what keeps me here. I think it's fear of the unknown more than anything because everything I've come to know here just hurts. I really do want to die. I just can't bring myself to do it myself. Not yet at least. Maybe one day. I hope. I can finally stop wasting space. I didn't mean to cause so much damage to anyone's life. I leave a mess wherever I go. I'm always the problem. Even my own family believes it and left me. Why would anyone else stay. It makes sense that they leave and find others better than me. There's always going to be someone better than me. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve good things. That's the only thing that makes sense. I don't really know what I did to cause this existence on myself but it had to be awful for me to be suffering this much. I can't do anything right. Please just take me out so everyone can get on with their lives. It's for the best. No one needs me. And I have to be okay with that. I just wish I had one thing to grasp on that was a glimmer of something worth living for. But this tunnel has no light at the end. It's just running blindly in the darkness until I eventually hit a brick wall and die. There's no way out of this. I don't have any worth. Good for nothing piece of shit waste of space. That's all I am. And no one should have to put up with that. It's fair they leave. Find someone worthy of their time and effort. I'm not worth it. I get it.