#I get time off in September and idk how I'm going to avoid it all for that long

[calico-eden]

Desperately trying to avoid everything Our Flag Means Death related (I haven't been able to watch it yet) and failing because the Good Omens people and the OFMD people are the SAME PEOPLE

[kakujis]

ALL I WANTED WAS YOU.

and when the world treats you way too fairly... well, it's a shame i'm a dream.

synopsis: a break up is nothing, not when the two of you are sworn to be together. satoru thinks you just need a little reminder.

warnings: dark content. ageless blogs + minors DNI. afab!fem reader, sub!reader, yandere!satoru, switching povs at times, possessive behavior, dubcon, recording, dacryphilia, cheating (not on gojo), somno, praise, manipulation, gaslighting, mind break(?), begging, fingering, oral f!receiving, choking, pussy slapping, creampie, masochism (reader), tiny bit of man handling and hair pulling. he is mean AND whiny. he literally sniffs u at one point lol. you wear makeup. implied multiple rounds.

ft + wc: gojo x reader, around 5.2k

@enchantedforest-network

an: hi, so like months ago (as all my wips start) i had this idea for toxic!ex bf gojo which delved into yan gojo LOL. he is so hard to write... like wtf... so anyway this was been rotting away since september!! i think i did lose my mind just a little bit writing this ngl LMFAO. idk if i really leaned that heavily into the yan, but we are going to truck along and post this anyways. thanks for waitin'. also, thank you to dooby and sky for both proofreading and giving me some ideas to push through, @sxgars for the banner, and my brain/fingers for not giving up.

gojo satoru still remembers the day you left, eyes puffy and face streaked with makeup as you stormed out of your shared apartment. in gojo’s mind, it was fine, you’d be back. no matter how big of a fight, you always came back. 

but it’s been months now of you ignoring his calls and texts, avoiding him whenever you see him. you’ve even blocked him on some of your social media platforms since he can only access the ones you haven’t used in years. most people have told him to let it go, move on, it’s not worth it. but satoru’s heart knows what it wants and at the core of it all, it wants: you. 

he thinks you might need a little coaxing, something to help you realize you love him again. once he finds out your address, his plan is set. he spruces himself up, spritzing on the cologne of his that was your favorite, even getting suguru to stop by the flower shop near his workplace to grab you a bouquet. yes, gojo’s got it all figured out. he’ll swing by, shower you in love like he used to, and you’ll realize you missed him just as bad. 

imagine his dismay when you won’t even open the door, your voice muffled from the other side. you tell him to leave, it’s over, you don’t want to see him anymore. he begs you to open it, just give him one more chance, but you sigh, crack the door open a smidge, and tell him. 

“satoru, leave. my boyfriend’s here.” 

he thinks that word is disgusting if he’s not the one it’s referring to. maybe you’re lying, maybe it’s another ruse to get him to piss off, but when you peek behind your shoulder, giving a little smile, the kind you used to give gojo, soft, sweet, loving; he realizes you’re completely honest. 

the lump in his throat is sticky, clinging onto the walls of his neck like gum. meanwhile, his heart feels like it’s beating in his ears, a not-so-friendly reminder of his fragility. 

you turn back, eyeing the flowers, an assortment of your favorite kinds - satoru, satoru, i like these, see? - and in a moment of soft-heartedness, step out. you can’t deny the pull of your heartstrings, satoru’s endearing aura plucking at them in a solemn tune, but you’re different now. you don’t need satoru anymore.  

“look,” you start, adjusting his tie and fixing the crinkling cellophane. “maybe you could give this to someone else? they’re so pretty, someone out there would be lucky to have them. and, you’re satoru, handsome, funny, sweet. you’ll find someone else in no time!” 

but he just stares, eyes boring into you as if it feels like the wind’s been taken out of him as your words fall on deafened ears. fuck the flowers, you’re so pretty, you’re the one people are lucky to have. in a sense, he’s bewildered because there’s no way you’ve actually moved on… right? 

you sigh again, a hint of exasperation tinging your voice, “gojo, i think… this should be the last time we see each other.” you step back, hand on the door handle. to you, this is a step in the right direction. 

for him, he finds that the way you don’t use his first name has him wanting to rip his hair out from the root. 

“wait, please, i love you.” he states, finally finding his voice, feeling like his time with you is running out. his lip quivers while his heart continues to shatter with each passing second. “i’d do anything for you, you know that right?”

ah. same old satoru, the man who swore he’d take the moon from the sky if you wanted. anyone looking in would swear you were lucky, but you remember things being a little… suffocating. it was too much, too overwhelming eventually. 

you bite your lip, strengthening your hold on the handle, ready to leave. you can’t meet his gaze, knowing that if you do you might falter. “but i don’t. i don’t love you anymore.” - it’s a lie, you know it is from the little bud inside your chest blooming, breaking out past the walls of your heart, but you just… can’t. 

he shakes his head, taking a step forward. “you don’t mean that.” 

“i do, satoru!” you flinch at your own voice, taking a deep breath to calm down. “please, just leave.” you tell him one more time before you retreat back inside and slam the door. 

he waits for a few minutes, thinking that maybe he’s on one of those prank shows. you’re going to open the door, tell him it was a joke, and to come inside. except you don’t, and he’s stuck under the low flickering haze of your complex’s lights. 

gojo’s a bit stunned on the walk back home, foggy eyesight mixed with thoughts flying a mile a minute equates to a tall stumbling man with no care for those around him. he can’t even count how many people he’s bumped into, let alone the amount of sorrys he’s muttered, the now crumpled bouquet still firmly held in his hand, indicated by the whites of his knuckles. 

when he gets home, he sinks into the floor, his head wrapped around his arms before he flings the bouquet across the room. “fuck!” a picture frame of the two of you clatters to the floor, glass breaking in tiny, jagged pieces. he kept it after all, in hopes that you’d come back eventually, but now it’s clear you’re not. he doesn’t even care that he’s knocked something off a table, he’s so fucking hurt.

hurt that you’ve moved on so easily, hurt that you’re out there calling someone else ‘baby’. he can’t fucking stand it, wanting to rip out the baseboards of his home or set it all on fire. from the first day he met you, gojo’s always firmly believed you were made for him. that thought was always reaffirmed with every ‘i love you,’ that dripped from your lips into his ear every morning and evening. 

maybe it’s not the best timing, but he remembers other things as well. like each time he’s been deep inside you and your pretty mouth would hang open, eyes blown and glassy, as you gasped out his name like it was the only thing you knew how to say. or even the times you took initiative yourself, crawling under the covers to wake him up, kitten licks and sloppy kisses to his cockhead. his own eyes met yours, with a lidded call of reverence, and that was all he needed to know. 

there’s no reason to wallow, he thinks, a small reignition of flame in his gut brewing. each passing memory that trickles by is another reminder that you did love him. no, that’s not right. you do love him.

okay, he thinks, i can still fix this. you just need a little reminding is all. you love him and you’re just a little confused. maybe his mind is breaking, but he reminds himself that it’s better his mind than his heart. 

”yeah,” he mumbles, dusting himself as he gets up off the floor. “she still loves me.” 

to be honest, breaking and entering wasn’t really his thing, he never saw the appeal in it before. but, this isn't really a break in, he’s just visiting his girl. he will say though, you did make it a little too easy by keeping your key under the mat. no, you kept it easy because you knew he was coming, simple as that. 

he goes in tentatively at first, wanting to see what you’ve done with the place, nodding in approval as he scans over the rooms. you’ve done a good job, just like you did before, but he does frown when not a single one of his photos is up. you must have forgotten or maybe you’re trying to save your new boy toy some heartbreak. silently, he walks over to your bedroom door, peeking in.

his mouth quips up into a smile when he sees you. you’re pretty as you sleep, just like he remembers. you’ve always been a heavy sleeper, mouth slightly agape as your drool dribbled down into the pillow. 

“hey beautiful…” he murmurs when he reaches you, bending down to brush away a few strands of loose hair from your face. 

a little “mm,” leaves your lips as your face twists at his touch. he leans in til he’s just a hair’s breadth away, before he ghosts his lips over yours slightly. still the same old you, lips just as soft as he remembers and what little self restraint he had continues to chip away. 

the hot breath of exhales continue to mix as satoru spends his time taking in your scent. he tries his best not to whine when you pull away slightly, once again leaning further in to stay as close to you as possible. if he could get high off of it, he probably could, but the ache in his belly grows. he needs you. 

“wait a minute…” he mumbles when you try to once again turn away. “why are you always trying to run away from me?” it’s a silly question, rhetorical since you’re still locked in the deep throes of sleep. but your body seems to answer in place of your voice when your legs rub against the sheets and your chest once again heaves itself over, leaving him behind. 

he’s sad that you’ve taken away his favorite aromatic, but with your shuffling, you’ve moved the blankets down letting him get a peek of your bare skin. you’re always a sight to behold and his fingers run themselves lightly over your body before he’s pulling the blanket off you completely. 

you’ve always been a heavy sleeper, affectionately dubbed his “sleepy wife,” even though you were never married. it’s been a while since his hands burned with such intensity, running up and down your thigh and leg, even tracing along the curvature of your ass. 

his knee dips into the bed as he finally looms over you, pushing you gently onto your back, before he’s prying your thighs open with one hand. he thinks he should take his time, savor it, satoru, but you’re just so… inviting. he runs a finger across the waistband of your shorts, experimentally tugging lightly. he flickers his eyes between his hands and your face, seeking for any signs of waking as he slowly starts to expose more and more skin. 

hints and glimpses of skin are all he needs to get riled up, further than he already is, as he takes the leap and pulls your bottoms off completely. 

“oh fuck princess,” he groans when he sees your pretty pussy for the first time in months. he’s nearly salivating like a dog as he remembers just how good you taste, bending down to get perched between your thighs. 

the first kitten lick against your clit chips away at his already waning self control. the next one that delved between your folds nearly completely breaks it. but he’s missed tasting you on his buds, missed consuming what was his. take your time, satoru. his mind ticks again, and he settles back to prepare a nice lob of spit before he’s letting it fall onto your pussy. 

you shiver unconsciously at the sensation and he takes a pause, not wanting you to wake just yet. you’d probably flip out on him and he can’t have you getting mad at him just yet. 

he waits until you settle again before he’s diving back in, driving his tongue between your folds as he laps up your essence. to say he was starving was an understatement, for these past months he’s felt like he’s been dying. 

it’s intoxicating as your juices and his saliva mix to dribble down his chin, dripping onto your bed sheets below. he eats you out like it's his first real meal in months, tongue lapping as much of your essence as he can while his fingers dig deep into the plush skin of your thighs.

he shudders as he grinds his hips into your mattress, the tip of his nose running against your clit sending little shockwaves up your unconscious body. you taste just as good as he remembers, losing himself in the sweet slick of your cunt.

your eyelids finally flutter open, readjusting to the darkened light of your room, but you can't miss that familiar snowy peak of hair settled in between your thighs.

"satoru?" you breathe, meeting his lidded eyes as your hands come down to immediately push back against his forehead, but instead your fingers curl up into his locks. 

“hi,” he chimes, smiling against your pussy as he readjusts, sitting up to shoot you a wicked smile. “hi baby, good mornin’.” the tone ofhis voice is sweet, nearly identical to what it was like when you were together.

he replaces his tongue with his fingers, whining a little when he feels you clench down onto them as he starts to scissor you open. 

“what the fuck are you doing here?” you hiss, but your body jerks when he rubs against a particularly sweet spot of yours. 

“i missed you. i can’t visit?” he pouts, pressing a kiss against your clit before his tongue is laving over it again as if to make a point. “did you miss me?” he asks when your eyes roll back and you tug just a bit harder on his hair. 

“no.” you grit, but you can’t stop the way your hips buck up into him. 

“you’ve always been a bad liar, angel.” he shrugs, before he’s latching onto your cunt again.

he’s eaten you out more times than either of you can count, he knows exactly how to get you there. he knows it’s just a little bit more until you fall apart. he’s back on with even more fervor, alternating between sucking on your clit to sloppily and quickly flicking his tongue against it. 

“oh fuck,” you mewl, throwing your head back and thrashing as you come undone on his fingers, pussy fluttering and toes curling. 

“see, i knew you missed me.” he grins, as he brings his fingers up to suck at the slick around them. you’re still panting as you try to close your legs, but satoru’s fast, bringing his hands back down to tear them open. “ah ah ah,” he tuts, “we’re not done til i say so, got it?”  

“sa- gojo, you need to leave.” you plead, head heavy and stomach churning at what’s just happened. you fucked up but it’s fine, you can fix this still. 

“why?” he asks, “your boyfriend gonna come home?” fine, he’ll play your little game for now. he’ll antagonize you for a bit, before he’s disgustingly sweet again, just like the good ole days. but there’s also the anger brewing within him, why the fuck won’t you just come home? 

he smirks when you pause, already knowing the answer, “don’t tell me you two aren’t living together?” 

you shake your head, “that’s none of your business, gojo.” in hindsight, after satoru, you wanted to take things slowly the next time. moving in after only a month of dating probably wasn’t the best idea. 

“why not? i’ve got a right to know what you’re up to.” he pouts as he says it, hoping your irritation will ease up. 

you scoff, narrowing your eyes, “since when?” but your attitude is nothing more than a facade, always has been. “we’re not even together anymore-“ 

“since i decided, you’re mine.” he snaps, cutting you off and leaning down into you. “i decided that years ago by the way, and i’m not gonna let some fucking random mess with us.” 

you squeak as you hear him rustle with his pants, freeing his aching cock and you hate the way your stomach flip flops when you see it. it’s been so long since you’ve been fucked let alone touched. gojo was the last person to have you writhing underneath him and if you told him, he’d have even more of a need to keep it that way. 

your tough facade is breaking, you’re falling back into your hazy, mindless, and needy ways. you love satoru, even if the relationship was toxic, even if he gave you so little breathing room. but not yet, you won’t give in just yet. 

you try to scramble back further before you’re able to twist out of his hold for just a moment. but he grabs your hair by the root, twisting and pulling you back close to him and you yelp, clawing at his hand.

“baby, you’re really testing my patience.” he hisses into your ear, before he’s shoving you back down on the bed. “god, you know i hate being mean to you. just be good for once, yeah?” 

“gojo, leave.” you try one more time, but the hands that push up against him are so weak that he can tell your body’s betraying you. not only that, but your thighs shake at the pain in your scalp and you wish he would do it again. 

“i don’t think you want me to.” he states and you hate that he’s right. you don’t want him to leave, you want him to slide into you, filling you up. “or am i wrong?” he asks, looming over you, running his pretty cockhead through your folds. “go ahead, tell me to stop.” 

you bite your lip in an effort to not gasp out a pathetic moan, squeezing your eyes shut. each run against your clit has your legs widening, almost like you’re inviting him to come in. 

“knew it,” he quips, before he’s prodding at your entrance. your eyes fly open then, breathing heavily through your nose, but you don’t try to back off letting him glide in, inch by inch. “it’s cause you love me.” 

“i don’t,” you exhale as you watch his dick disappear within you, stretching you further than his fingers did. you’re nearly breathless when he finally bottoms out, fists balling into your sheets. 

“yes, you do,” he breathes, his own breathing jagged and rushed, almost like it’s being squeezed out of him. “you always have and always will.”

gojo satoru always fucks with your psyche, one of the many reasons you decided to leave him. it wasn’t obvious, not at first and neither was it nefarious. it was silly little item mix ups, funny conversations that seemed to follow satoru’s lead, until it was a loss of freedom, like a nightingale in a cage. 

huh? no, you’re meeting them next week… yeah, you told me last night. 

but that’s not- 

it is. check your phone. 

oh, i guess it… is? 

c’mon, would i lie to you princess? now you can hang out with me all day. 

and then suddenly it was all too clear when you did get that girl’s trip out, when your friends stared at you like you were fucking insane. it wasn’t normal at all that you couldn’t do a single thing without him. your friends helped you fit the pieces together and that was enough. you were going. 

leaving that day was easy, satoru hated seeing you upset and was more than willing to give you space when needed. it always went one way: you cool off, he swoops in and dresses up his words extra nicely to make you stay. but you didn’t this time. 

it was easier to leave all your things there as well instead of trying to leave in the middle of night. you thought you could do it, away from him you’d figure things out. 

but there must have been a part of you that still wanted him to chase after you, a divergent, rogue piece that strayed too far from the board. is that why you didn’t leave the city? still a part within satoru’s web of connected streets, just waiting until you were ensnared again. 

his eyes are still as pretty, his face almost too handsome, and voice just as alluring as before. you guess that’s what this is, a predator just waiting to stick his fangs into your neck.

“you’re insane,” you gasp out, holding onto your tiniest bit of strength. 

“aw, just for you.” he smiles, before he’s rolling his hips into yours, grinding in just the way you like, just as you remember. 

with each stutter of his hips, your walls twitch around his length and body jolts in waves of pleasure. soft gasps and moans tumble off your lips and satoru buries his face into your neck, nipping little marks into your skin, almost as if he’s etching one word into it: mine. 

it hits him almost instantly, this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he remembers that stupid little nuisance. he uses his hands to push up, still ramming into you as he takes a look at your face contorted in pleasure, as you peek up at him. 

“gojo?” you mumble, trying to take into account that look in his eye, but your head is bubbly with the pleasure he’s giving you. 

even with your walls clenching down around him with each roll of his hips, his anger seeps into him like water to a sponge as he tries to block out the idea that someone else was in what was his. that they probably saw this face that you’re making and got to hear your pretty little moans. 

“where’s your fucking phone?” he hisses, snatching it off the nightstand when he finds it, illuminated by the notifications of text messages from your “boyfriend.”

you whimper, trying to grab it, but satoru holds your hands together by the wrist, strategically keeping them against your chest so you can’t move up. 

“gojo, don’t!” you plead, snapping out of your trance for a moment, but the grip on your wrist tightens and you yelp. followed next is a glare, his gaze striking you right to the core. your words die off and he goes back to looking at your phone. it’s easy to unlock, you never changed the pass code. 

his eyes scan the texts quickly and frankly, it’s fucking disgusting to read this guy call you pet names that only satoru can say. he continues to scroll, trying his best to not dig his nails deep into your skin as he takes note of every heart emoji, flirtatious interaction, and pet name from your end. 

he keeps his breathing deep and even to keep himself from blowing his lid and he has half a mind to block his number to make sure you can’t speak to him again. but suddenly he’s got a better idea, getting back at him seemed so easy. 

you look so cute underneath him, pretty pussy enveloping his cock just like it was made to do, why not show it off? especially to someone that pissed him off. 

“hey baby, can you smile for me?” he says, voice sugary sweet as he opens your camera app, but you shake your head, trying to sink further into the pillow. you’re wary of the sudden personality change, especially when he finally releases your hands. 

he pouts, “c’mon now, you’re so pretty when you smile… please?” he sighs when you continue to refuse, but continues on, angling the camera til he’s satisfied with the image. 

“god, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” he says as he zooms onto your flushed face, hands coming up to hide it, before paneling back to record down your body. he stops when he reaches where both your hips are flush together, pussy sucking in his cock right to the brim. “fuck, would you look at that? i don’t even know your name man, but how fuckin’ pretty is this?” 

you gasp when you realize what he’s doing, but before you can say anything, you feel a hand come down onto your sensitive pussy. you yelp out but his hand comes down again and you're mortified when it sounds more like a moan. “bet you didn’t know she liked that,” he goads, “she also likes this.” he says, wrapping a hand around your jugular and giving a squeeze. 

your eyes roll back as the air escapes you, muddying your sight in little black dots. your hands fall to pull at his wrist, a moot effort considering the strength difference, and he laughs. a condescending flit of noise dripping in ego. “scratch that, she fucking loves that. hey, in my defense, i’m a little rusty, it’s been a while.” 

gojo has always been one of two things, needy and arrogant. but the worst was always when the two came together, usually in his worst fits of jealousy. he’s never recorded you before, always too eager to remember to set anything up before he’s pouncing on you.

but this satoru feels different, he feels scarier, nearly dangerous, although you shake off that fear til it’s nothing more than a fleeting thought. you liked this - no he was right, you loved this. before you broke up you were always begging satoru, just a little harder, just a little meaner, please.

with another heavy squeeze as the oxygen is once again cut off from you, you feel the walls around your heart finally crumbling completely, almost like a switch is flipped on. you can’t run from nor deny the heady need that was gojo satoru, the man that knew you in and out. you flutter your lashes at him, like you always did when you wanted to tell him something. he loosens his grip on your neck, just enough so that you can speak, “you wanna say somethin’, baby?” 

“u-use me,” you mumble, voice no louder than a whisper as your eyes start to leak that familiar pretty liquid that drives him insane. you’ve missed him, missed this - whatever the fuck it was, some messed up amalgamation dressed up under the guise of love. 

“hm?” he goads, a sick smile plastered on his face because you’re finally acting how you should. “a little louder for me, princess. i can’t hear you.” 

“use me!” you sob, trying to shift your hips to get some sort of stimulation, “please, satoru, please.” 

the use of his first name has him feeling like an actual god as he switches the camera back onto him. “you heard her.” he says with a wicked grin, before ending the video and pressing send. he tosses your phone to the side, “now where were we?” 

you whine when he shifts, one elbow propping him up as his hand once again finds it’s place against your neck. your own hand resumes it’s place as well, but instead of pulling this time you press, lashes heavy with tears as you wordlessly beg satoru to claim what’s his again. 

he’s so close to you now, his snowy hair tickles your forehead and his breath mixes with yours as he finally starts to move. you choke out a sob as he ever so slowly hits all the right places and you wonder how long you actually managed to make this far. 

“this is what you wanted isn’t it, baby?” he coos, being careful to not choke you for too long, even though you almost wish he’d fuck you passed out. “just needed a little reminder that i’m all you need right?” 

you nod, hiccuping with each thrust that knocks any air you have left out of your lungs. he’s right, just the two of you is all either of you need. you think the world is melting away as satoru presses kisses against your spit ridden lips, his own groans mixing in with yours as your tongues mesh together in sloppy, messy runs. 

“and now you’re gonna cum on my cock, aren’t you?” he picks up the pace, slamming in harder, rougher, like he’s proving a point. but he’s almost always right, with each kiss of his mushroom tip against your sweet spot pulsing pleasure throughout your body. “show me how much you love me.” 

“‘m close, toru,” you sniffle, nails digging into his arm as you blink away more tears, gasping up into his mouth. “‘m so close, please.” 

“i know.” he states, pressing his forehead against yours, sticky and sweat covered, as he gazes into your glassy, hazy eyes. “come on, cum for me princess. show me who you belong to.” 

there’s something so euphoric about satoru’s words, claiming every last bit of you, that you fall apart almost instantly. your orgasm hits you hard, rippling through you as your eyes and head both roll back, your pussy clenching down on his thick cock. 

“f-fuck! cumming, toru, i’m-“ you squeal, tears running down your face freely but satoru swallows up your moans, his lips once again sealing over yours, since those belong to him too. 

that’s enough for him, a firm affirmation that you love him, and he loses control of his once precise thrusts. he pistons into you, heavy balls slapping against your skin and pounding hard as if to leave marks all up your velvet walls. you milk out his own orgasm, walls fluttering and he detaches from your lips to growl out, “you’re all fucking mine, got it?” 

you chant out “yes,” as many times you can, still riding out your own orgasm as his cum paints your walls in white, til he finally slows back down to a stuttering close. he pants as he runs his hand up to rub his thumb over your tear-ridden cheek. 

“i love you.” he mumbles and you blink up at him sleepily meeting his pretty lidded blue eyes. it’s a stark contrast to the satoru just moments ago, pounding into you like his life depended on it. 

“love you too, toru.” you whisper, running a hand over his. your head and body feel heavy, yet your mind is still floating above the clouds. he’s probably oversensitive but you can’t care, knowing that your neck is prettier now that his fingerprints are littered on it. “toru… again.” 

he laughs when he feels you start to grind your hips, sticky slick and cum dripping from your hole. he feels like he’s on cloud nine hearing you beg for him after all this time. 

“please, please, toru,” you whine, craning your neck to brush sloppy, wet kisses across his lips and jawline. “i love you, so please.” 

“course, angel,” he mumbles in between kisses, “just gimme a few minutes and i’ll give you everything you want.” 

[cherryblossomforest]

Wednesday 18th September 2024

I am struggling.

It's like something flipping off in my mind and I'm not sure if that's the orange parts disappearing or the black & blue parts turning up... or actually just both but it feels horrible. I'm losing hope so suddenly and I feel so depressed. I'm still taking my medication and I know I am because I switched over to my dossett box to keep track but yeah... This feels bad. I feel bad. The light in my brain is quickly disappearing and I feel myself moving quickly into crisis mode. I just don't think I know why my brain has moved so quickly like this. I'm also getting pressure at the top of my head too. Migraines. Sigh.

I have filled in an online E Consultation for my GP and I explained that I'm struggling and I need help now. I really need help. I also told them about my weekly alcohol intake which is technically high. On the low side for me but I'd rather that and get some form of help. Apart from this, it'll be for me to call the crisis line or go to the hospital if I become very low but I'm trying to avoid that. That's the last resort and worst-case scenario. But I do feel terrible...

I just got a call from my GP surgery and I'll have a face to face appointment with my Dr on Friday. This is good news, she is so lovely so I know she will help me. I really need her to help me.

Violet has been around because I've been remembering more of the memories from watching our family friend die. It was truly traumatic. Her last breaths were so violent and it was scary like I was the life in her fight it's way out but at least it was quick.

I think my brain is overloaded from different trauma memories from different times. My migraine is getting worse too.

The desperate feeling in my body is back and I want to cry. I'm not sure how to console this part of me who holds the dark depression, desperation and suicidal thoughts and feelings. Kaiko is her name. I can see when we went from Stacey to her. I can see the shift. From blue to black. All our memories also look physically darker too like there was always an overcast or it was nighttime or we were in the dark. Interesting.

When I'm alone for too long Kaiko is more present and I struggle to hold away her feelings. It hurts.

Messaging MK helps and talking about everything and nothing. Then H called and we cried together for a bit and then. Just. Sat. With each other lol. Feels nice to be seen. I also was reminded to eat and drink and take my PRN lorazepam which helped a lot too. Then I started having a depersonalisation episode towards the end of the call because I was genuinely like who tf is that (about myself in the video call) and that prompted me to fix my hair to feel even a slight change. Maybe it'll help. Idk lol.

Now I think I'm going to take my medication and call it a night once I've taken my hair all out. I can lay in and prepare for this interview and then it's off to take Giggles to the vet and then my interview and back to bed rotting probably lol

[iztopher]

@k3ysm4sh said:

i have never seen a single saw movie can you give me like top ten fun (i.e. batshit) facts

HERE WE GO, hopefully i have chosen well

10. so theres a post going around tumblr like "haha what if you and your partner met in a saw trap and you invited jigsaw to the wedding" and the thing is jigsaw's motivation is that he thinks people are wasting their lived and the best way to make them improve how they live is to force them to confront their mortality via torture. so he would Ecstatic and Honored if two people met in a saw trap and got married and invited him. he would invite them to work as his apprentices

9. speaking of, amanda young is, as of the first saw movie, (one of?) the only survivor(s) of jigsaw's traps, and she agrees with him and becomes his apprentice. but then she decides fuck it and makes traps that can't be survived, going against jigsaw's design ethos.

8. jigsaw is divorced. it has nothing to do with the saw traps (those happens after)

7. jigsaw gives his ex wife envelops to deliver to one of his apprentices & a trap of her own to carry out and she actually does it

6. in the first saw movie there's a flashback with one of the guys whose trapped having a fight with his wife that reads exactly like TLO te'ijalahad fanfiction i would have written in high school (How can you go through life pretending you're happy? / I am happy. / That is complete bullshit; I'd rather you break down and tell me you hated me. At least there would be some passion in it.)

5. the second saw movie has a very easy solution if everyone trapped just looked at each other's backs and cooperated. instead it devolves into murder

4. there's a guy who pretends to be a victim of jigsaw and writes a book about this. jigsaw responds by kidnapping him and actually putting him through torture

3. idk if this is that batshit it's just my favorite trap and i've been deliberately avoiding getting too detailed into those. so jigsaw is a terminally ill cancer patient & the fifth movie is about him putting the ceo of the insurance company who denied his claim for care through torture. one of the traps is the shotgun carousel, where 6 of his employees who help him process claims are strapped to a carousel w/ a shotgun that will go off at a consistent time. there are two buttons he can press in order to lift the shotgun up and save one of the people's lives, but the other four will die. this matches the fact that his company denies 2/3 of all insurance claims

2. there is a fanmade saw musical (i havent seen it so i cant speak to quality or trigger warnings)

1. the first saw movie takes place on september 11, 2001. it was released in 2004. i'm not sure why they did that.

[morgenlich]

ig i should write out a more complete feliks timeline from the partitions until the 1990s lol, um. spoilers for last light and its planned sequel tho, also i'm writing this off the top of my head and not looking up specific dates so [gestures]

so, while in my hcs tolys got stuck w ivan full time (though he ran off more than a few times lol he was never successful in escape endeavors for very long), feliks was after the partitions initially shunted between gil and rod (ivan imo just. absolutely hates his guts and wanted nothing to do with him lmao and besides he had new full time prizes like tolys he didn't need to split custody of another one); he managed to run off for good shortly before the napoleonic wars started and met up with francis (this is also when i have him changing his name from mieczyslaw to feliks), fought alongside him for a bit, established the republic of warsaw, then basically sent himself into exile after its collapse because he felt that staying in his own land would be too risky; he didn't want to go back to being a hostage after all

(he does return for some later rebellions of course)

he's not really in the mood to deal with francis for a bit after that, he just strikes out on his own, not really paying much attention to where he goes. he ends up all over because of this, like he'll literally stow away on a ship he has no idea of the destination of so he sees not only a good bit of europe but also ends up in asia and i think also probably in the us, somewhat briefly, and he wants to avoid the attention of other nation reps so he doesn't actually meet up with any of them intentionally. he works a bunch of odd jobs during this time because he basically only owns the clothes on his back (and his wedding ring. he manages to keep hanging onto that), inlcuding some sw which he hates (i hc him as very firmly demisexual)

eventually in the 1870s-ish, he winds up in france again. he's living on the street and ends up with tuberculosis, which gets bad enough it actually kills him. when he revives from this, he realizes he's still ill and is going to need to like. properly recover, so he swallows his pride and goes to look for francis, who takes him in for a while; they end up staying in the south for a bit, i wrote a little fic about this a couple years ago lol. eventually though they get fed up with each other and feliks dips again, resumes wandering around but now he has fucked up lungs :) also it's around this time that he discovers opium which also becomes a lasting problem for him. but it helps his lungs not feel like they're constantly being stabbed so wcyd

he ends up in france again around the start of w/w1 and initially fights w the french but eventually makes his way east, finally back on his own land. the war ends, he's independent again, etc etc. 1918 is also the first time since the partitions that he's able to meet up with tolys again, imo--even in shared rebellions the two just never quite managed to be in the same place at the same time--though ofc this just ends up with tolys wanting nothing to do with him for a couple decades (i go. back and forth on what feliks himself actually thought about the war between them tbh)

ok here's where we get into last light + sequel spoilers

w/w2 starts, feliks initially fights in warsaw and is captured in late september. spends like a week or two in prison before gil arrives in warsaw and is put in charge of him, at which point he's put under house arrest. manages to keep his Connections to the resistance (how? idk it's not important and no it will not be explained in LL lmao), stays there until the spring of 1944 when [massive spoilers that otherwise don't involve feliks] and he's forced to go into hiding for a few months (along with my human oc irena kowalczykowa), until the AK fighting starts and then ofc he (and irena) is involved in that until he's captured again; the ak is able to get him back for a few minutes before some russian spies attack them and feliks and irena end up with them

at this point feliks is too exhausted and weak to really put up any resistance to this fact, and he just stays in russian custody, hiding in the mountains with some partisans until the spring of 45 when they make their way to krakow where ivan has temporarily set up camp; feliks continues to stay in russian custody from this point though like he's not officially a prisoner and they make him agree to cooperate so he does end up with like his own apartment and stuff. but he doesn't stay there very long because in 1948 ivan finally is allowed to return home and he's been told to bring all the other ussr and satellite reps with him so feliks gets dragged to moscow to live in an extremely overcrowded house until 1952.

after stalin dies policy toward the reps changes and the satellites are going to be allowed to return to their own land; feliks is the first to do so because as mentioned all the way at the beginning ivan just hates him and doesn't want to live with him at all lol so he ends up back in warsaw where he stays, remaining more or less cooperative (by his standards at least) until the ussr collapses.

he spent some time in the 90s trying to participate somewhat actively in his new government but realized that 1. he'd kind of gotten used to just doing his own thing 2. he's too vocally queer, etc, to get along with them, so nowadays he does the absolute bare minimum in this regard (mostly interacting w other reps for them) and spends his free time doing whatever he wants instead. also he lives in krakow, not warsaw, bc he likes krakow more (aside from like. in my heart feeling like he's a krakowiak, i think he just associates warsaw with war and the comm. regime and really wants very little to do with it) and hey he's not got v many gov't responsibilities so it doesn't matter lol

[whatgaviiformes]

Lighthouse + Fishtank (September Prompts 😊)

This went a little TOS in that Dad's around. But otherwise pre-iR fluff (is it fluff, idk maybe?) of bros figuring out what to do with their lives.

💚💛

Directionless

Virgil's footfalls have never been particularly subtle, and the soles of his heavy work boots clang against the metal foundation at the top of the lighthouse with enough gusto that Gordon feels the vibrations ride up the back of his thighs. 

"Figured you'd find me eventually," he acknowledges. He doesn't need to turn to know Virgil is still approaching. He'd rather not tear his gaze away from the skyline if he can avoid it, not with how gorgeous his sea is with the glow of sunset orange on her waves. His legs swing gently where they dangle from the gallery deck near the top of the tower, and he leans forward onto the frame designed to protect the visitors.

"You know you aren't supposed to sit like this," Virgil says as he stands beside him, placing a warm hand on Gordon's left shoulder. "Mr. Hawthorne will have your hide if he sees you." 

Gordon snorts. As if he didn't know his older brothers had done this themselves many times over throughout the years.  John even would sneak in after dark, and Virgil would do whatever Scott would do, so he had no room to talk. Apparently, it is different where the littlest brothers are concerned.  

"I'm just saying. You don't get safety warnings like this unless someone's fallen before." Virgil gestures to the vehement sign behind them DO NOT SIT ON DECK.

Gordon knows as a fact it's happened before, someone falling from the walk towards the rocky ground below, and Virgil knows it too because he's the very person that told him the ghost stories about it. 

"Give me a break, Virg. It's the last trip before Dad sells the condo. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. Besides," he grins out to the sea, "I can outrun old man hawkeyes any day. I'm not worried."

 Their dad has bought an island of all things. As far as tradeoffs go, they won't need a vacation beach house when the definition of home becomes a tropical paradise.  But for now, Gordon is enjoying what he will miss about this quaint little town: the market every Saturday morning, the warm soft waves, more a caress than a surf, the ding of the town clock that heralded noon, the beam of the old lighthouse. 

Virgil hums, a low pleasant note that carries off with the breeze. Up here, the winds are more wild than they are below, and though it's the heat of summer, between that and the sun ducking beyond the horizon, Gordon's got goosebumps up his arms. 

"S'pose you're right," Virgil says, sliding down beside him and slipping his legs through the opening of the barrier. "For old time's sake." 

Virgil has filled out over the past few years, even more so since going off to college where he was more easily able to establish a workout routine for himself. At fifteen, Gordon is small beside him. He's still working on building up his muscle tone in his back and shoulders, and legs to support his swimming, and school takes up more hours out of his day than he thinks is feasible for a kid his age. Unless you're Johnny and from planet brainiac. 

Virgil's legs are almost too big to make it through the narrow opening, and Gordon giggles at him. He appreciates the sentiment, but Virgil is more adult than he is kid. And in a few weeks, he'll be twenty, and that's not even a teen anymore. 

"I've always found it calming up here," Virgil tells him. "A beacon to guide you home and all that." He says it casually, but Gordon can hear the edge of wistfulness in his voice and a tone that speaks of a creative mind scattered between the current moment and colors and shades and emotion through images. Or perhaps Virgil hears a distant song only he knows.  Gordon's heard that tone many times, Virgil in the zone. Missed it even, on all those long semesters away.

And it is a very pretty sky. 

"You actually want to avoid lighthouses," Gordon tells him. "The light's a warning that there's land nearby and not to come too close." 

"Hmm. Still. I imagine if one is lost at sea any light on the horizon, even a warning light, is a welcome symbol of hope, of change to come." He breathes the smell of sea salt. "Are you?"

"Am I what?"  

"Lost at sea?" 

Gordon doesn't answer Virgil and his silly little metaphors. He rolls his eyes and watches a boat sail along the water. They can only see it being as high up the tower as they are. At sea level, it would be beyond their sight. 

"It depends, if you want to hear about it." Virgil continues when Gordon doesn't answer. Trying a new tactic, it seems.

Virgil reminds him that part of his summer independent study here has been on the design of the Fresnel lens, and so he has a wealth of new knowledge on how lighthouses work. 

Gordon nods. He appreciates that Virgil doesn't 'um, actually' him the way he'd get from the others, not that it was ever in bad faith. It's just annoying when they do it.  Virgil's always been understanding that Gordon's brain thinks uniquely. Maybe because Virgil himself is a weird thinker too. Gordon knows he's different from his siblings, and his intelligence doesn't come to him from book smarts. But he loves a good factoid as much as anyone, when it matters. 

Virgil tends to know what matters, and how not to get too technical with him, since he's not the engineer in the family. 

Or the future astronaut. 

Or the flyboy war hero. 

"Some lighthouses do warn for danger zones in the water. There's one in Australia that casts a red beam over rocky terrain near the shoreline. But then it also has a light characteristic for identification. It's like Morse code. But for sea travels. Let's you know where you are and where you're heading." 

"Signals for the directionless."

"Exactly." And Gordon can feel Virgil's eyes on him. 

"Does it bother you that John is going to graduate before you?" 

Virgil gives a hearty laugh, and he leans himself back so his palms are pressed against the metal, supporting his weight as he looks up into the darkening sky. At this time of day the light has not yet turned on, but it will soon. 

"Lord no," he tells him. "Spacecase always treated school like it was a goddamn inconvenience. He always wanted to get out on his own, academically speaking. Nah, I'm happy for him, but I'd rather not rush it for myself. Aren't you happy for him, Fish? He's worked so hard for this."

"I'm happy for him." And Gordon means it. "Of course I am." Johnny has always treated the education system like a force reining him in. He's wanted out of it for so long, and in less than a year he'll really be able to explore. Gordon doesn't understand his brother or why studying is such a freaking joy for him. But it is, and the part he can understand is the wanderlust, the desire to extend himself beyond limitations. 

School was never the place for either of them. For different reasons. 

"Dad wants me to start thinking about colleges." If he expects it to be a big reveal, for the foundations to fall out from under them, it doesn't happen. But a shiver runs up his spine at how completely not at all a big deal it feels to tell Virgil. 

"And you don't know where you want to go?"

The silence stretches between them. 

"I don't know." He's fifteen and never been to prom and only just starting to learn how to drive. He's too young to smoke or drink and he doesn't know how to decide what to do with the rest of his life. He hiccups, wipes his arm angrily across his eyes, and channels the confidence he feels when his body is surrounded by the weightlessness of the pool. "I've got a real thing with swimming, V. Coach says I could make it to the Olympics in a few years. And I want to try." 

"You don't know if you want to go."

To his horror, his eyes prickle, and he's grateful that Virgil's watching the back of his head.

"Dad's always supported your swimming, little fish." 

Despite the care he's taken to project his self-assurance, Virgil has heard the waver in his voice and has come up close to him. He slings an arm over his shoulder, and Gordon can feel his even breaths against his side. 

"And then what?" he mutters. 

"Ah." Virgil's hand slides up to ruffle his hair. "It's ok to not know. You aren't as directionless as you think."

He shakes his head. 

"I mean it. You're not. There's nothing wrong with setting your goals based on the near future. You're young. You have time. And if," - he leans forward to catch Gordon's eye - "your path leads to college, I'll help you find somewhere that'll connect with you."

"What if it doesn't?"  He flicks his gaze over to him, then down, far down towards the ground below them. 

"Then it doesn't." Virgil pulls him closer. "And that's ok."

No one has ever told him that before. 

"Everyone else knows what they want to do." A dry laugh escapes. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I don't," Virgil tells him. "Why else do you think I'm double majoring?" 

"Because you're an overachiever like the rest of them? John and Scott always knew what they wanted to do."

"John's an alien," Virgil deadpans, and Gordon laughs for real this time as he continues. "You can't compare yourself to him. And Scott? Well, Scott had Dad to compare himself to. You're such your own person, Squid. I admire you for that. Never change."

"Yeah?" He's not sure why that makes him feel suddenly so open. He's starting to shiver, and Virgil sheds his outer flannel to throw it over him. Gordon slides it on the rest of the way overtop his Hawaiian shirt, and he wiggles the sleeves that dangle past his hands to flap in the wind. "I think you're your own person too." 

"Thanks, Gordon. I appreciate that." 

In a few years maybe Gordon will tell him about the work studies he's looked into, the brochure for WASP he collected at a swim meet, the sea rescue and trash clean up efforts he believes in but can't explore while he's still only 15 and Olympics bound, the fact that he feels no connection whatsoever to the possibility of being Gordon Tracy, the college student. 

He doesn't want to study for another four or eight or whatever years to set himself up for life. He wants to start living it already. And for now he's fifteen and eager to sail even if he doesn't know whether that means North or South in the end. 

"Hey! You kids can't be up there!" A croaky voice calls up to them, hobbling toward the spire, slowly, but they know it's as fast as his sea legs and cane with let him go. 

Virgil beams at his brother, "Whoops! Time to go." 

His older brother seems more kid than adult as he laughs at the outrage of the old man who is the keeper of the lighthouse. Gordon runs, taking the steps two at a time, and Virgil parkours down the stairwell. The lighthouse screeches at their weight while their cackling echoes and bounces along the tight walls, and Virgil darts to the right once they hit the opening entrance, dropping to a low somersault right under Mr. Hawthorne's arm, and Gordon takes his distraction to duck and twist away from his left. 

"Sorry, Mr. Hawthorne!" Virgil calls as he runs away, and Gordon zigzags back to meet up with Virgil once he's long out of reach of the old man. He finds him leaning against the fencing around the parking lot. 

"I brought the Mustang if you want to get some driving time in?" Virgil tosses him his set of keys. "Ice cream shack?" he offers.

"Really?" He catches them, feeling more adult than kid in such a grown-up car. Confident in the trust and support of his brother in a way that assures him he'll always have his family in his corner. "You're on!" 

The End

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Lil rant about goals and future plans 😇

Ok so I've been here for a week and it's been a really nice time visiting family and I'm grateful to be living this life that gives me all this free time and opportunity to do whatever I want, back when I had an apartment and a "real job" I could only visit my family for holidays and it never felt like enough, but now I get like any significant time off work and I feel guilty if I'm not spending it with my family, even though there's other things I want to be doing... (Like what? Camping alone in the woods? /Kinda but there's always time for that between gigs etc) - enjoy this time and relax about it. Just feeling antsy bc I've been here a week and I'm kinda feeling like I might need to get out and go somewhere, but where, idk. I still need to visit my brother and my grandparents, I desperately need to clean the van, gotta make a mechanic appointment for next week, etc.

Also feeling antsy about going back to work which is hilarious bc like March, April, May, had barely any days off work besides driving all day traveling between gigs; was begging the universe to give me some time off to relax and vibe and whatever and now here I am with 2 months straight which was unexpected and I'm still kinda salty about it haha. But I'm one month down, one month to go, maybe I should be using the time a little better... I mean I'm working on projects which are mostly done, and I think next week I'll take care of the van things (cleaning, organizing, mechanic) and then D will be coming to visit so I'll either be here where he can meet my dad or I'll be at my brother's where we'll have more space/privacy to ourselves; we'll see!

I think the main thing is, I gotta get focused on my goals. What exactly are my goals?? I'm feeling a super lack of confidence lately and it's hard to know how to direct my energy right now. (I say that as if it's ever been different in my entire life lmao.) Usually I just focus on losing weight as if that'll somehow magically get my life in order Oh Yeah I'm Doing That Right Now 😅

Thinking ahead: July is free. August should be at least half filled if all goes well, and then some time to explore/camp in the northeast where it hopefully won't be too hot. September?? Who knows, but making my way towards Texas. October will have work in Texas, November December January should be full of work in Florida. So this is like my last solid free month and I should be getting my van situated, getting my business off the ground, working on my confidence and organization and planning and whatnot. I've been dilly dallying on that bc I lack the confidence and it's easier to avoid everything than to try something new, but it feels so good once you get past that and get started !!!

Maybe I'll lose 10 pounds and cut my hair and start wearing makeup again and get my clothes worked out where they all look cool/good/not like a hobo dad lolol. Maybe that'll give me confidence. Maybe it's time to reinvent my image and personality and break up with this guy I've been low-key ghosting and start putting effort into myself again. Maybe I need to focus on spirituality and prioritize wellness (how boring). Maybe I need to dive into a new skill and get really good at it over the next couple years. Who knows!!!!

I want to build things and paint things and make fun wearable crafts and make YouTube videos with my own music and vibes. I have enough work to pay the bills, if a side business can make enough money just to buy supplies to keep itself going, that's all I need. I want to go out west again, maybe I'll do that in February. Maybe I'll upgrade to an RV. The point: I have ideas and dreams and goals and this is my time to start working on them while I have the space. I have 4 weeks left....... I have money in the bank to get these things started. Make a plan, one step at a time, check things off the list. Clean the van and get it back in shape to start fresh this season. Call that guy and tell him it's not working right now. Stop avoiding. Relax and enjoy the ride!!!! Be grateful for this space and time with my dad. Use this time to your advantage, ask for help with business planning.

Tomorrow I'm going to paint my lil pottery pieces from the garden clay, they didn't turn out great but I have another batch that I'm trying a different process and we'll see how it goes, it's a fun experiment and at the very least I'm gonna make some decorative charms for myself to remind myself that it's fun to make things and try new things just for the heck of it :)

Priorities: exercise, taking care of the van, getting the business first steps rolling. 4 weeks left until the next chapter launches! Stop wasting days! (No days have been wasted but you know what I mean). Stop avoiding and start living.

Above all: life is really good!!! I'm so glad and grateful that I created this life for myself, imagine 3 years from now when my business is rolling and work is flowing and things are just like this except 10 steps better! Plant the seeds now and let the trees grow and in 5 years we'll have plenty of shade!!! Reminding myself that I've been dreaming about all these things for years and it's time to start working towards them. Reminding myself of where I was 3 years ago and how far I've come. Everything is working out, literally, and this is just the next step. What's the motivation? (PLJBF). Living a full and fun life. Feeling good about myself when people ask "what do you do"/"where do you live" ; offering gifts to the world for the sake of the process. Embracing the challenge, trying something new, giving myself the space to see what happens when I actually put myself out there. Is it an ego thing? Maybe. Is it for the sake of the challenge? A little bit. Is it just another girl in pursuit of happiness and a life on her own terms? Absolutely. There are many ways to show up in the world and I'm ready to be a confident independent strong smart capable leader. I'm ready to actually try and succeed. I am good enough and I know I can do it, getting started is the hardest part, staying focused and organized is the second hardest part, I know I can work with those challenges and make something happen. Let it flow. Relax. First: I'm here and I'm grateful and I'm ready to make the most of it.

Thank you, I love you ❤️

[yellowloid]

Terra incognita is suuuuuuch an amazing story!! I've read it so many times!! 😍🙏😍🙏

- What inspired you to write it?

- What was your thinking process in terms of the way their relationship evolved?

- Was there anything else you had thought of doing but ended up scrapping?

- What was the process like in chosing thunderstorms as his phobia?

- What happens next? 😘

Thank youuuu you're an amazing writer!

aaaah can't believe you've even reread it multiple times, thank you so much!!

(possible spoilers ahead in case anyone reading this hasn't read the fic in question)

- first of all, the inspiration behind it... i started writing it late august/early september. i'd spent all summer working on another wip, a vampire fic that ended up not convincing me at all; so i just dropped it, and i could've started working on some other ideas i still have in mind (which will, eventually, get written) but instead i got hit with this random vision of alex being afraid of thunderstorms and miles comforting him, which then of course turned nsfw because why not? it was a rainy day and i just had to look out the window to have the revelation lmao + i'm a sucker for hurt/comfort, i'd say it's probably my favourite trope ever, so i immediately got really into the idea.

- i really liked the idea of alex being like 'well my heart does strange things whenever i'm around miles and i definitely check him out and smile like an idiot at his texts!! that is bizarre😳 what could it be??🤔' and other oblivious bullshit. i'd say he knew, subconsciously, what it was, but he'd brush it off thinking it was just A Moment TM or being afraid that it'd damage their friendship if miles knew. speaking of miles, i wanted him to be his usual protective and casually flirty self when it came to alex.

add the thunderstorm to give them a push in the right direction, and miles' protectiveness + their casual intimacy would finally make alex realise that no, it wasn't just a momentary feeling, and that it was reciprocated, so why not go for it? miles was a bit reluctant at the end bc he was afraid he'd have his heart broken, but for once i wanted alex to be the one who pushed for them to give it a try (and of course bc i needed to toss some more hurt/comfort in there lol)

- i'm really not sure if i understood what you mean with this question, so sorry if it's not what you meant! if you mean other wips i was working on before focusing on this fic, then definitely that vampire fic i mentioned earlier; if you meant other possible developments for this fic instead of the one i ended up going for, then i'd say not really, no. in my head i had a clear idea of what i wanted to happen, so i just needed to get it on paper!

- idk if it counts more as an influence in my choice for his phobia or as inspiration, but the idea actually reminded me of a girl i knew in middle school - which was a very long time ago, so i don't really remember the details, but basically she was really scared of thunderstorms, to the point that she would start crying, shaking and overall panicking whenever she heard loud thunder. some people in our class made fun of her for it, and even though we weren't friends i felt a bit sorry for her. when i was a kid i used to have the same fear, so yeah, that probably also influenced me.

- it's a bit of an open ending, isn't it? obviously everyone can imagine whatever they want to happen next, but i'd say there will definitely be a lot of talking, since they'll need to make things clear between them to avoid misunderstandings. sharing something like ~that~ with your best friend isn't something that happens every day, especially if it means you both find out it goes much deeper than that, and the pining you thought was unrequited turns out to be very much reciprocated instead. here we've seen alex's pov, but miles has been wanting him for who knows how long! my man was so shocked alex wanted him too that he almost couldn't believe it, poor guy

basically these oblivious idiots need to learn how to communicate, but i'm sure they'll get there sooner rather than later. just like with his phobia, something he's hidden for a really long time, i think this experience will help alex to be a bit more open about his feelings. of course miles will be there for him no matter what, which will undoubtedly make it a bit easier :')💞

thank you so much for your questions and for your appreciation of this fic, it really means a lot!! ❤

[r-romanoff]

Photon Blasts & Spider Webs

Chapter: 2

Peter Parker x Male Reader

Masterlist

Chapter Summary:

September, 25, 2019

"I don't know what to do ned. I mean I don't want to lie to Y/N, I mean I don't wanna spy on him either but still you get the point." I turn to him for advice after fully explaining situation. "Peter this is something that Nick Fury asked of you personally-" "through Happy." I correct him; "None the less this is a big deal and think of it this way, if you to actually become really good friends it would be in your favor. It's a win win, for his mom Fury and you." Ned tries to point out the brightside for me the, me still feeling the same since the beginning of this conversation. "Dud his mom is freaking awesome, I met her while saving the world! Also all I'm saying is I don't want an energy Blasts to the face if he finds out even if it is just for a month." I inform Ned on an other one of the countless ways this can go wrong. "That is actually true." He kinda laughs back. "Dude it's not funny, I could die. Wow I never thought I would ever die at the hands of spying on an other teenager." I realise how strange that would be for me.

"Hey you guys coming or not you've been in the bathroom for a while and Mj, Betty, and I wanna head to the food court first." I hear Y/N's voice as he entered the rest rooms he was wearing a red converse, a worn pink jacket that looks like it could have belonged to a girl, and normal blue jeans. "Is that a girl jacket?" I turn to see ned speak the same question on my mind. Looking back to Y/N for a reaction to be met with slight giggling and an embarrassed smile. "It's um, my sister's" he answers Ned's question. "Hurry up I'm starving!" MJ's annoyed moan bounces of the bathroom walls from the entrance Ned and I rushing out not wanting to irritate her any more than we probably had for the last 7 minutes. "So, to the food court!" I announce stepping out of the bathroom, ned right behind me. "Ok actually. I'll meet you guys there I have to take this it's my mom, it's very important to me." Y/N starts walking away in the other direction immediately with a small sense of urgency. Without a second to ask what was going on he was gone, disappeared in the labyrinth which was the mall. "Wow I've never seen anyone that serious about a call from their mom before." Mj says before completely seeming to forget about it and beins to walk with Betty to the Food court Ned and I not straying far. "Do you think he talks to his mom often, considering her profession." Ned asks leading me to ponder. "I don't think so, I mean she's probably always busy. Also considering how her work tends to take her far I don't think the commune so often." I lay my thoughts out. "Are you two gonna keep talking about the new kid behind his back or are you gonna hurry up and get to the food court." Mj turns to sulk at us Betty also budding in. "Yeah you seem pretty interested in him for some reason, it's kinda wired don't you think. Also kinda rude talking about him like I didn't invite him." She continues to avoid walking into people on our way to get something to eat. "No not really, he's just an interesting person don't you think." I try to make it sound as normal as possible not wanting Mj to think I'm weird, nor Betty. "What does his mom do anyway, you were saying." Mj says keeping the topic going. Turning to Ned I shoot him an expression, basically saying I don't know what to say because well she's an intergalactic superhero. "She is a... Lieutenant in the air force" Ned quickly comes up with, I quickly high five him after. "That's pretty cool I mean kinda frightening but-" "I'm Getting Chinese." Mj interrupts Betty practically running into line as we finally made it to the area of scattered tables and groups of other teenagers. "I'm gonna get sea food, we can all find a table in a bit." Betty runs off her khaki plaid skirt swooshing behind her. "Pizza?" I turn to Ned being my last companion. "Combination." He answers both of us making out way down the court into line.

Eventually we all finished grabbing what we're gonna eat and made our way to a large circular table probably meant for a couple more people. Then again considering Mj bought half of the Chinese food in the entire mall was appropriate. "And that's why they are my favorite fictional eco goth bad of all time, but if I had to choose a real one It would be nirvana, or the killers, or the third blind eye. Probably, I don't know I listen to a lot of rock bands." Mj finishes, "Mine is Led Zeppelin." I answer, "No Doubt, is my absolute favorite." Betty shares as we finally begin digging into out food. "Panic at the disco." Ned gives his opinion on the matter. "Favorite musical?" Mj presents a new topic "Heathers is the best, however I like the movie better." I answer. "Hamilton or Phantom of the oprah probably." Mj shoots back. "Annie just because it's a classic." Ned reason's giving some sort of insight. "That's a tough one. Mean Girls, Chicago, or Wicked. Top three!" Betty exclaims "Wow Mj, your eating faster then Peter." Ned shifts the group's attention to the burnett who had just finished slurping down a bowl of chow mein. Accompanied by an empty bowl of rice and orange chicken.

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This was supposed to be chapter 2 if anyone remembers me, if you want me to continue I will I have nothing else to do during quarantine, so I probably might idk.

Ps this hasn't been edited so if it's bad forgive me

Tag List (ask to be put on)

@klanceiscannon14 @wiitchy-wooo @multifandom-slytherin @jonnyjay2413 @lazerman217 @stuffdealwithit @sorceressandy @sunshadetrees @filthydeatheaters

[slitherfromeden]

sjhbf super happy to hear that made u laugh. and very sorry to hear today sucked! hmm i mean your psych is right but i also get that it's hard, like sometimes u just can't stand anyone or anything, it's frustrating. if there's anything specific that's pissing you off, i'm always down to listen! random questions for no reason: do you have a favorite crystal? a favorite flower? if you like tea what tea is your favorite? all optional questions ofc! i just like asking people about their fave things

tbh. no clue what’s pissing me off. if it’s anything it’s that,,, someone has been home more than they usually are and i can not avoid their existence like i normally can and it brings up a lot of bad memories. it’s just been constant flashbacks and nightmares since lockdown started tbh. and they wont shut uppppp. they’re constantly on the phone and our rooms are right next to each other and the walls are thin and it hurts my ears to have on headphones all day but that’s the only way i can drown it out. there’s no way out of this. i dont go to uni until next september and even then i have to stay within my country since i get free uni education in scotland and scotland only and i simply cant afford to even go to uni in england. like,, scotland is so small that i’d have no reason not to see my family pretty often. and the city i’m planning to go to is an hour and a half MOST away from my hometown. idk. i dont wanna cut my parents off entirely but. there’s always that other person. and even with uni, idk how long i’ll last there. very few autistic people make it through uni in the normal amount of time, if at all, and i am so scared it’ll go tits up. i’m scared that my mental illnesses will get in the way. i’m scared that i’m never gonna be able to have a decent life cause i’ve been mentally ill since i was 6 years old. i’m so scared and all i ever wanted was a normal life, whatever that may mean, but it’s impossible and. idk. sorry that rant was long ahsdh i didnt even know i was holding it in until i started typing, ya know?

ohh!! i love random questions!! i’m partial to a good amethyst, but emerald is my birthstone so i feel like i should say that ahdfsh. rose quartz and quartz in general is very pretty though,,, hmmm i cant pick asdhf. oh i love like,, all tea. english breakfast with milk and green tea with lemon are my two favourites. if we’re talking ice tea, that isn’t really widely available over here, but i have had peach and raspberry and they were both very good. what’s yours??? also what’s your favourite colour, and number? those are my big twoa sdfh. are you okay??

[alex-baebae]

Pieces of honor

Pics are not mine, credits to the respective owners 😊

Chapter 2

Pairing: TOPXreader, DAESUNGXreader, GDxreader, OCs x reader.

I stayed at my house a whole week before starting high school, I didn’t want to go somewhere, after all I had no friends there. Of course, I called my friends from Mexico, many of them went to study in other countries and some other stayed at Mexico as Ricardo and Max.

The entrance ceremony took place the Monday. I woke up quickly I was not expecting high school to be a “nice” experience for me, so I was not exactly excited. It was raining and I walked to the garage “Good morning, Mister Choi” I greeted him “good morning, how are you?” long time no hear that question from Mister Choi “fine” almost a routine.

A guy took me to school, he was Korean as Mister Choi, probably he recommended the guy to my father as he recommended Amber and her mother. “So, do you know where Amber is?” I asked as he drove through the streets of the capital, I caught him out of guard “ah, ah sorry, I don’t know her” he told me “no problem” I said.

We arrived, he left when I entered in the school main building. The ceremony was okay, I mean normal, the classes were normal as well. I talked to no one, I didn’t want to experience the same as before, you know when I did my best to make friends but I only got my tears falling on my bedroom’s expensive floor.

The rain didn’t stop, I was waiting for the driver in the entrance of the school. When that guy arrived, I got rapidly in the car “How are you, Miss ___?” he asked “fine, thanks” I answered “Mister Zhao told me to take you to a store, so you can buy what you need for the party at the shore” I was confused “what party?” he looked at me through the mirror “your welcome party”. I forgot it, whatever that party was not a big deal, I just wanted to sleep.

One day I was eating my breakfast outside, it was cloudy, it was going to rain. I felt strange for a second, that feeling made me look to the main entrance, there was a tall guy walking through, he was slim and he had an amazing black hair, well he was handsome as hell.

I continued eating, the break ended. I went to my classroom, everything was fine, however I heard many people talking about me, my chest hurt again. However, this time I had friends, my friends from Mexico, so I didn’t feel as lonely as when I was a little child. We used to talk about many things until Mrs. Renata or Miss Liu told us to go to sleep, Max still called me lovely princess. Then I didn’t care about what people say, I preferred to be alone, you know, loneliness is addictive.

September 12th, I was waiting for Daesung, he was the driver who took me to any place instead of Amber. I was in the garden “hello, Miss ____” I suddenly didn’t felt the rain drops on my skin, I was being covered by an umbrella held by a guy, I saw his eyes, I couldn’t believe who I was seeing “Maybe, you don’t remember me, Miss. I’m Choi Seunghyun” I was so surprised “ye-ah I remember you, how are you today?” it was all I could be able to speak “fine, thank you, my father told me to bring you this umbrella so your clothes won’t get wet while you wait, I hope this doesn’t bother you” he explained “oh thanks” I was about to take the umbrella when Mister Choi came “Good morning, little princess, would you mind sharing your car with my son?” he asked, I shook my head “well then, Daesung is going to be here in a minute” he said before leaving.

I was quiet as always, at some point of that endless minute I felt Seunghyun eyes on me while he held the umbrella for the both of us, I looked at him so he just avoid eye contact “please, Miss ____ let me help you” Daesung arrived, he was going to open the door for me “I can do it myself, thanks” I said, I opened the door and got in, then Seunghyun did the same.

...

“Can I sit here?” Seunghyun asked me during the break “sure” I said, he was trying his best to keep talking to me “Seunghyun, you don’t have to do this” I commented “what?” I asked me confused “talking to me, is not your job” I said “But I only want to be your friend” he told me back “But you can be friends with many interesting people,” I said. “you don’t like me, do you?” he said after three seconds “I like you, but it feels strange that someone wants to be my friend” I explained him “I see”.

In no time I discovered Seunghyun has a funny and rare personality, well maybe he felt the same as me at some point of his life due to that personality.

Highschool was not as terrible as I had imagined, Seunghyun made many things better. We graduated together, we did homework together, we studied together. All that time we also were training for join the business, you know… my dad wanted us to became better than his elite group, so when we 'apply' for enter to this mafia we could be the best of them all, we were like a ‘special project’ for him.

I was in since I born, I mean I was his daughter, but… my mom decided I had to do this the right way, which was the only one that was going to teach me how to continue doing our business in the best sort of way, soon my father as obsessed with making us the best mercenaries he had ever seen .

So today, is the day… I have been preparing my clothes for the 'exam'… I guess it’s gonna be difficult. “Are you ready?” mister Choi was waiting for me, when I got in the car Seunghyun was there with a blindfold covering well his eyes “do I have to cover my eyes too?” I asked “well, you are the daughter of the boss so, I think is optional” Mister Choi commented “I’ll do it” I took off my tie and did what I said. I searched Seunghyun's hand and held it “nervous?” I asked him “a little, what about you?” I smile “a little too” he chuckled.

The car stopped “we arrived” I heard the voice of Mister Choi, we removed our blindfolds.

“So now you are going to prove if you deserve to be here, or you’re just bullshit from the ghetto” a man trying to intimidate us “this is one of the most important proves” he continues talking “you have to knock your opponent out as soon as possible” he is explaining the rules…

“Well you'll have the name of your opponent in no time, Lu Feng give them the sheets” that tall Chinese man gives us first our papers “Li Yu” Seunghyun whispered “Giorgio Sfeir” I comment what my small paper has written on. “First fight” the announcement… “Sfeir vs Zhao” no way, it’s me ‘shit’ I say to myself, I walk towards the 'arena' when I look up, I noticed that the Arab guy was enormous, I gulped “fuck is even taller than Seunghyun” I whisper, even his body was big as hell, I guess it’s over.

“Three. Two. One” that Arab guy starts moving, I’m moving as well “what about ending this fight and go for a coffee” he say flirting I just put my middle finger up “fuck you” I say smiling with an arrogant expression “don’t think that I’ll be gentle with you because you are a little girl” he says “hahaha, so cliché” he tries to punch my face, I moved quickly and kicked his face “you bitch, I really wanted to fuck you, but you’re such a pain in the ass” he tells me “c’mon man that’s why nobody wants to fuck with you” the same arrogant expression on my face.

We have punched each other a little however suddenly he knocks me down, he is punching my face hard, I'm so dizzy, my heavy breathing, my blurred vision… “____” Seunghyun worried calls me in a whisper.

I kicked him between his legs, I stand up as quick as I can although I’m still dizzy, finally I kick his head, he just fall over, I almost run to hit him again this time with my fist, everything is happening so rapidly, I cannot control my actions, it’s like instinct is taking over my body.

I punched his head so hard many times as MMA taught me “over, over” I heard that man’s voice, I stood up “y-you killed him” he says as he checks his pulse, I cannot speak “you broke his skull”. Applauses and amazement expressions were filling the air. I feel less dizzy now “nobody calls me a bitch” I said, I spit to the Arab guy, he deserved it I guess “see you in hell, piece of shit” I murmur.

I walk to my designated place, near to Seunghyun's. “Are you okay?” he’s more worried than I thought “yeah” I sat down, all the guys there are looking at me, I just wipe some blood off my face and check my nose. “Miss ___, let me check you” mister Choi kneels in front of me “no, it’s okay” if Mister Choi did so, everyone would think I have privileges, that's not gonna be good for me in the future.

What do you think? Let me know.

I looooooove you all!!! 💞😘

Have a good night, day Idk ♥️

Alex

[scorpihoe-666]

I'm not going to ask about any details cos it ain't my business to know but the fact he went and talked about you on a public podcast is so bitchy. Like there's boundaries and there should be some mutual respect no matter what the situation may be.

nah im gonna tell you details since he wants to put shit out there.

this man and i started talking in the summer of 2020. back then it was just friendly stuff since i was fresh out of a breakup. so whatever we kept talking on and off until we really started talking last summer. shit got spicy and we were coincidentally at the same concert so we met up in person in September. after that i realized that i was into him. so we would talk all day everyday.

fast forward to december and i was in a funk. my dad was getting re-married and i was going THRU IT. so i didn’t text him back during this time. after 2 weeks i texted him back and explained how rough life had been and how i was in a funk. i apologized like 5 times and then responded to a few things from the last convo and asked questions. all he said was “i hope everything’s okay”. that’s it. he stopped watching my stories and stopped liking my stuff.

fast forward to present day. he has started liking my stuff again and started watching my stories again. i occasionally listen to his podcast, but for the sole purpose of being a supportive friend and not because it’s good. because it’s not. and this mf started talking about what he wants out of a relationship and his expectations. he started talking about vulnerability and then he said something along the lines of not understanding why people take days or even weeks to respond to texts. he started saying how he makes time to respond and he was like “recently i was taking to this girl and she texted me back 2 weeks later. like who does that? you have to see how the receiver must feel.” and like he went on to say how that’s a way to avoid being vulnerable??? he said i was a lesson lmao.

like okay his feelings are valid i guess, but if he felt some type of way back then he should have said something. but i also told him how depressed i was hence the super late response. like you think my depression was an excuse not to be vulnerable? and what does texting you back have to do with being vulnerable anyway?!????

idk it really irks me because I WAS OPEN ABOUT MY STRUGGLES ONLY FOR HIM TO MAKE IT ABOUT HIM AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I BROKE HIS HEART OR SUMN.

but yes i agree that was SOOOOO bitchy and there indeed should be boundaries and mutual respect. he at least had the decency not to name drop, but this wouldn’t be the first time he talks about me on his podcast. except the last few times he had nice things to say smh.

but whatever, if he wants to see me as a lesson then so be it. im over it. not rlly but i will get over it eventually.

[diviinedogs]

I know this is weird but is it cool to ask what s/t/even//qun//iv did? I used to follow them but idk what happened and lots of my mutuals don't want to interact with them either but no one will tell me why and I'm scared I'm just being annoying and stupid :c

yeah totally fine to ask!

it’s okay it’s not like there’s a callout or anything, I never went public with everything in it and any proof I have I have deleted/don’t have access too cuz I blocked

and oh do other people not like them? cuz as far as I know just me and my girlfriend have them mentioned on a byf

I’m gonna leave out some things cuz like privacy and whatever and I’m going to try to make this as short as I can but I just know that this is going to be long, but if you want more details feel free to message me off anon

I used to be friends with them/they used to be in my friend group back in GF days, I broke off contact with them because they were making me as;ldkjf and super fucking anxious (towards when I was creating distance/trying to cut off they literally messaged me everywhere possible tumblr, skype, twitter, even snapchat…. I never opened the snaps because I was too anxious seeing it but we’ll get to that later) and they were possessive of me/jealous of other people who talked to me

I specifically noticed this with Ferrah, who would eventually become my girlfriend, we got together when I was still talking to this person, and another friend. In rabbitrooms, they would like stay there for hours and never talk unless it was just me and them,if specifically Ferrah or another friend was present thy would not talk. They even acted like this with my irl friend too. Like we even tried, once they were talking in a rabbitroom where I was marathoning Voltron and then when Ferrah showed up, they immediately stopped talking. Like, we went through the whole show and me and Ferrah were saying that the room was done because we were saying we were done but we were gonna like watch movies and other shows together alone, and I was like damn what if they’re not gonna leave because they didn’t talk this whole time, but they did. So they sat there quiet for HOURS without saying something at all and just reading the whole chat.

and like I found out I was their FP and like totally fine I had no problem with that at all! I thought things would be fine but I still noticed how awkward it was whenever they were together in a rabbitroom or stream with me and another friend. Most of the time when I streamed back then it would just be us too.

basically I started feeling iffy about the friendship around like??? last summer???

there was a vent blog and I discovered that they would avoid doing things and hanging out with irl friends just to specifically talk to me all day, and our conversations got a bit tiring to me to be honest because we…. talked about like ship/au stuff and there were A LOT and it went to the point where if you took no breaks between replies it would take two hours to respond to. Not to mention they were all for something I don’t ship anymore and sometimes they would reach unhealthy/possessive topics, it was really bad and it like horrified me to like take a step back and looking at what we talked about.

so like I saw posts on the vent blog that made me really uncomfortable too like……. wanting to fucking kill my parents and it was terrifying because??? we’ve never met in person but they live close to me and I was scared that they would come to my house and kill my dad while he was alone when I was on vacation

that was a huge deal to me, and I didn’t like how they were upset whenever I wasn’t using my laptop or phone not because my parents didn’t like it, but because it kept me from talking to them

when I got off the plane, my phone was on low battery and I had a barrage of messages from them telling me to tell them where I was and stuff, and like? not even my girlfriend sent me anything like that just that I had a safe trip and I messaged her back. Like, I only had an hour or so before my next flight and 13% on my phone and I’m gonna spend that talking girlfriend of course 

I don’t know the details or why they didn’t like my girlfriend, I just got the vibe from that and I knew that they had like a whole future for us planned together and that along with everything else they did made me super uncomfortable. Like, do you know how shitty it is to be upset that your friend has a relationship when nothing’s wrong with it???

and like… on twitter I knew they were stalking me because I would always get notifications of likes from them like instantly, and one time apparently they were reading a conversation I was having with my girlfriend and I know it because of this- they @ ed me saying that they “accidentally liked” a reply and didn’t mean to, but like they unliked it so fast I didn’t even get a notification, so like that right there just told me they were reading everything I was doing.

and generally, if I don’t reply to them in like an hour or by a certain time they don’t like that and that was really anxiety inducing to me too, to like have to reply or else it means something’s wrong

I didn’t stop being comfortable with them because I found out I was their FP, I was fine with that and I wanted to like try being a good one. But I could not handle everything they were doing and I recognized it as an unhealthy friendship on both sides. I did not feel comfortable with it anymore, I started ignoring them in I think August and it took up until September for my friends to convince me to cut it off. It was causing me so much anxiety and towards the end of it I could not even read messages from them without feeling anxious, I had to copy it and get my girlfriend or another friend to read it and tell me what they were basically saying.

I wanted to leave for my own mental health, safety, and my family’s safety because I do not take death threats lightly. It’s different if I’m venting to someone and I know their response isn’t serious.

I can go more into details about things but I’m choosing not to go public about them and any other upsetting/anxiety inducing things I don’t remember cuz I blocked them out 

I like don’t feel bad about cutting them off they made me so uncomfortable and anxiety filled and I didn’t want put myself through feeling like that for the rest of the friendship/my life by the way it was going.