#I have a habit to write more than necessary with posts like this

[tvrningout-a]

i do not have the brain to articulate this thought the way i want rn, so forgive me if this doesn't make proper sense, but the work kaiya does for the corps isn't just for the hope of finding valuable information to use against muzan. it mainly is -- i don't think she'd make herself witness so many painful memories if not for that reason. but when kaiya sifts through the memories of those demons, she doesn't need to take quite as much time as she does. she's used this ability enough to be able to basically? " speed-read " someone's memories. she can get the basic gist without taking the time to really watch the key moments, kinda like reading a summary of a book rather than reading the chapters.

rather than do that, though, kaiya sits with the demon's memories; she learns where they came from, how they became a demon. she tries not to pry too much into their older memories because what she's doing is already so invasive, but she tries to learn who the demon was before they changed. at the very least, if they have to die, the least she can do is understand who this person was.

part of it is also! kaiya's own personal feelings towards being forgotten and how her loved ones never knew what happened to her. she's thought a lot about her mother, how she must have woken up one morning to learn her son-in-law was dead and her daughter was missing. she thinks a lot about how her mother can never know what happened, how she'll never get to explain how badly she hurt and how sorry she is. it's something that tears kaiya up, and to think about so many others being in a similar situation? she hates to think about it.

so even though the process is mentally draining, even though kaiya has nightmares as a result, she takes a little longer with each demon's memories. even if their loved ones can't know what happened, at least one other person will, and at least that person will try to provide some comfort. i've mentioned it before, but kaiya always gives the demon a happy memory or takes them to one of their own before they die.

i think more than anything, she wants them to be at peace since their fates were anything but peaceful. and i'll leave it at that bc i'm afraid i'll ramble for another paragraph if i don't asdf

[baldursgate3tempobsessed]

Hiii!

I love your writing, especially Mirror, Mirror! Are you still taking request? I‘ve been thinking about Ascended Astarion and female Tav/Reader attending a ball for the politicians and nobles of Baldur’s Gate, getting all dressed up and socializing, dancing and Astarion flirting with her all night long. Astarion obviously wouldn’t waste a chance to be alone with Tav/Reader, takes her on a romantic stroll in the gardens and has his wicked way with her somewhere in a dark corner 👀

I can not make Ascnedant Astarion not dark I am SORRY but I can't help myself. The intro to this is sad bad, but honestly it gets pretty fun later down the line. Gotta set up that Stockholm syndrome. You gots it here.

Tw: Murder, Violence, not much but it is there, graphic smut, 18+ sweet dark fluff. I do consider this Stockholm on your end. Very inspired by the in-game quote of locking you away for a decade. Also, never write shit only in tumblr post editor, I lost half of this right before I was going to post last and it almost killed me

~

Astarion was.... aware that you'd been having a hard time as of late. If anyone could empathize with the complications of being a vampire spawn, it was certainly him. Even though his circumstance were obviously much, much worse than yours ever could be.

He was no Cazador. Astarion was different, he loved you. He knew what was best for you. All that needed to happen now was for you to accept it.

And in your defense, you were trying. It had taken a long time for you to finally come to terms with the full extent of power he had over you as his spawn. He would always know where you were through sensation alone. Always ready and willing to drag you back home if need be. He could compel you to his side at any moment, though he did have a bad habit of going out to find you during your little tantrums. It seemed to work better to put you in your place, especially since he had very little self-control when it came to who you associated with. Many a possible friend had died at his hand, in front of your eyes. A waste, really, one that wouldn't be necessary if you would just listen.

But the demonstrations had been useful. Slowly but surely you were learning that the option of secrets between the two of you had died the second he sunk his fangs into your wrist. He had personally put an official stop to all of your extracurricular activities. The things you used to do in your spare time were silly and dangerous, always going out of your way to help the undeserving. But now he had the control to stop you, to sequester you at the estate where you were safe.

You had nowhere to be besides his side and you were finally starting to understand that. Things were so much easier when you gave in and listened, happier and more fun.

Lately, it had almost felt like another honeymoon phase, with your sudden predilection for extreme loyalty. It helped that he could still see into your mind through the new connection, fully aware that your love remained real and pure, if not a bit melancholic. It was silly really, the guilt you felt towards him for letting him ascend. Never mind the thousands he sacrificed, you were too concerned with how power had chanced him.

It was cute. Stupid, but cute. Because obviously it had changed him for the better. How else would he be where he was now? With his hands already in nearly every major part of Baldur's Gate's governance? He had made wide, sweeping moves to gain control in the past year, banking on your dual hero status to deflect from his more... unsavory attributes. But it was working, and in a few years time this city would belong to him. Then the two of you would be on to the next major conquest. A future that you were just now coming to terms with.

And Astarion wanted to reward you for that acceptance. He had been a bit paranoid of late, paranoid enough to not let you out of the house for a solid fortnight. But for good reason. The last of the Gur had come out of the woodwork recently, looking for revenge for their children and fallen comrades. With a specific interest in you. It had made sense, in a way. You were his greatest weakness after all. So of course he had to take it upon himself to personally hunt the last of them down to tear them limb from limb.

But now they were officially gone, and he was finally feeling comfortable with letting you out into the world again. Just not out of his sight. And tonight was the perfect opportunity. He had a mandatory soirée to attend, populated by neighboring nobles and a few powerful foreigners. One that would be so much more entertaining with you willingly by his side. Or forced, if need be. Depending on if you decided to be in one of your moods, though they were a rarity nowadays.

But no, you turned out to be too excited at the prospect of leaving the house to even attempt being a brat. Astarion watched you with a smile as you appeared at the top of the staircase, dressed to the nines. He whistled as he watched you descend, beyond pleased with how you looked. He met you at the bottom of the landing, easily wrapping an arm around your waist before setting a quick kiss to your temple, "You look beautiful pet. Absolutely stunning."

You truly did. A navy satin gown that matched your skin tone perfectly, fitted with delicate straps and a low bodice. Perhaps the slit in the leg was a little high, revealing too much of your perfect thigh for the rest of the world. But you looked too good for him to complain.

You really were so gorgeous, could he be blamed for wanting to dress you up?

You rolled your eyes, but Astarion didn't miss the tiny smile dancing on your lips, "You're the one who picked it out."

"And you wear it perfectly," Astarion praised, already leading you out the door. He kept you close to his side during the short journey, his eyes darting around your surroundings every few moments. His paranoia had been quelled, but it hadn't completely died out. But he had already made the decision that he was going to be on his best behavior tonight, and that included not indulging in his protective nature. You deserved nothing less.

But that didn't stop Astarion from taking some mental notes on those who stared at you too brazenly when you arrived. Part of him couldn't blame them, not when he could understand your thrall better than any one else. But the other, more fun part of himself was too busy imagining ripping them apart for the audacious, lustful stares.

But he didn't drag the two of you out for strictly fun, a fact that he was quickly reminded of when you were approached by the main host, "Lord Ancunín! I'm so pleased that you could make it."

Astarion vaguely remembered who he was, though he was much more interested in his friends than the man himself. The man turned his attention toward you, brow raised, "And who is this beautiful creature?"

Astarion could feel his brow twitch at the insolence. How dare he not know who you were? The Hero of Baldur's Gate, his consort, the love of his life, how could someone of his breeding be so ignorant? You had to many titles to choose from for introductions, so Astarion decided on the most important, "This is the future Lady Ancunín, my fiancé."

He could feel you tense at his side, staring up at him with wide eyes like what he said was surprising. Which was odd. He had been extremely clear about his intentions since the day he ascended, marriage was the obvious next step for the two of you.

"Well it's lovely to meet you," The noble said with a smile, his attention going straight back to Astarion, "Now if you'll excuse us, I have a few matters to discuss with your future husband."

Astarion was startlingly close to hurting this man. What on earth made him feel as though he had the right to dismiss you? He tightened the arm he had around your waist, sneering at him, "There is nothing that you can say that she won't eventually know. Don't waste our time."

Then he proceeded to do just that, wasting Astarion's time with useless information and worthless attempts at allyships. It seemed to be an unfortunate trend as the night progressed, just reinforcing how utterly useless the gentry could really be. Not to mention their constant passive dismissal of you. He really was going to need to start letting you out more often, though he had to wonder if they were even worthy of your presence. He would have been a bit more forceful regarding his own displeasure at their arrogance if you weren’t so distracting.

It was hard to hold onto his own indignation when you seemed so content. You were leaning into him the whole night, smiling softly through all of his inane conversations. Never failing to be adorably pleased at your introduction. It made Astarion want to fawn over you, alternating between whispering sweet nothings in your ear and sweeping you onto the dance floor. All of your pleased laughs and giggles music to his ears.

He kept you close all evening, never allowing you to wander past his sight. His arm stayed firmly around your waist, never quite shaken off after your first waltz together. But you didn't seem to mind. If anything you were glowing under the attention, happy in a way he hadn't seen for a long time. Too long. Beautiful enough for him to have the overly romantic thought that he never wanted the night to end.

Even after he had done his rounds, engaged with all whom he had planned on, he wasn't quite ready to leave. They had all been dreadfully dull, but at least a few conversations would prove useful in the future at the very least.

He started to steer you towards the back garden doors, whispering in your ear, "Take a walk with me?"

You followed him easily, happy to leave the bustle of the ballroom and step into the coolness of the night. You both started walking, hand and hand in a comfortable silence. It was a pretty enough garden, hedges and ivy lining the walkways, a white slightly weathered gazebo placed in the center.

"You know," You said eventually, as the two of you went up the gazebo steps. You leaned against the railing, looking at him with a coy smile, "I don't recall you ever proposing."

Astarion barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes as he crowded around you. It was an unnecessary question, considering how you would have no choice in the matter. But he was playing nice tonight. Astarion grinned at you, bracing his hands on the railing to cage you in his arms, "If you want a proposal, I'm more than happy to oblige."

"I do," You were playing with the lapel of his jacket, looking up at him through your lashes, "Sooner than later if you don't mind."

"Your wish is my command," Astarion murmured, shameless as he started to kiss along the line of your throat, "I'm proud of you pet. You've been an angel all night."

"You haven't given me much to complain about," You said with a small laugh, your breath hitching when his fangs scraped against your delicate skin, hard enough to make pinpricks of blood bubble to the surface.

"You know..." Astarion started, pulling back to look you in the eye. His voice gentle but serious, "It could always be like this. If you let it."

"I... I know," You admitted, biting on your lower lip as you struggled for the words, "I-I want that. I want you. Even if... it's like this."

Astarion would take offense at the subtle dig if it was anyone else. But with you? He was just happy that you were finally coming around, at long last willing to accept the fate he'd set for you.

"You have it," Astarion promised, tilting your chin up to press a light kiss to your lips, "For as long as I breathe my love, you're mine. And I'm yours-"

You kissed him before he could finish, wrapping your arms around his neck, forceful in a way that he had desperately missed. But you were pulling back too soon, your mouth swollen and your lipstick slightly smeared, smiling at him like the precious thing you were.

How could he resist?

"I think you deserve a reward for tonight my pet," Astarion said, leaning in to softly kiss along your jaw, "For being such a sweetheart."

His hands were wandering, already moving to pluck at the delicate straps of your dress, slowly teasing them to drop down your shoulders.

You made no moves to stop him as your eyes darted around the empty space, "H-Here? But what if someone sees?"

"Then I'll tear their eyes out and feed them back to anyone who stumbles on us," Astarion said simply, smiling at the way it made you laugh softly.

"Violence isn't always the answer you know," You said, your breath hitching as he lightly bit your neck. Your dress still slinking down all the while, "I thought we talked about that?"

"Perhaps," Astarion murmured, "But it seems to usually work in my favor."

He had already managed to slip the straps down enough to ease the way, brazenly tugging the fabric until your breasts spilled from the top. He leaned back in, taking the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth as you gasped; mewling when he began touching you, shamelessly pinching your nipples just to hear you whine.

He adored all your little noises, so easy to coax out of your mouth. He could feel his own cock pulsing in the confines of his trousers, the feeling getting worse and worse as you started to whimper.

Astarion let one of his hands travel further down, right through the slit in your gown. He traced the seam of your pussy through delicate lace, smiling into the kiss from how the simple touch had your hips pitching forward. He could feel you getting wet, already seeping through the fabric of your panties, your needy cunt already begging for his touch. And Astarion was more than happy to oblige.

He tore them from your hips, letting the tattered pieces fall unceremoniously to the ground before he started to rub his palm against your clit, more slick gushing out as you moaned.

You were clutching at his shoulders, panting into his mouth as he played with you. Your thighs tightened around his hand, your cunt wet enough to fill the air with messy, indecent sounds.

Whatever trepidation you had before was quickly dissolving, a small chant escaping your lips as you two kissed, Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

Astarion was more than happy to oblige.

"Hold onto me darling," Astarion ordered, giving you a split second to tighten your grip around his neck before he was lifting you in the air, settling you on top of the thick railing with your legs spread wide. He made quick work of taking his weeping cock out, rubbing it along the seam of your cunt as you moaned. And then he was pushing inside, the slide soaked and easy.

You felt so tight around him, tight and sopping wet as he started to fuck into you. He bent his head down, popping one of your hard nipples into your mouth as you cried out, your nails clawing into his shoulders. You wrapped your legs around his hips, trying to pull him in even closer, despite the fact that he was pressed deeply inside of you. Hitting all of your sensitive places.

He could tell that you were close, your whining getting more and more high-pitched by the second, your sweet cunt pulsing around his cock. Astarion started to rub at your clit again, at the perfect angle to make you tense up and cry out. And just like that you were squirting against his hand, breathing heavy as your orgasm ravaged through you.

Astarion grinned, popping off your breast to kiss your slack mouth. Naughty thing that you were, making a mess all over your fancy dress. He pulled back to look at you, debauched and panting, your pupils dilated at you stared up at him. You looked gorgeous, fucked out and perfect.

He started to fuck you harder, the erotic image was too much for his mind to handle. You where whining with each thrust, no doubt oversensitive as he roughly slammed into you. But you were a good girl, taking it without a single complaint as you held on for dear life, tears springing to the corners of your eyes. But lucky enough for you, you didn't have to wait long.

Astarion spilled inside of you with a drawn out moan, grinding circles into your cunt as you quivered. You pulled him in for another kiss, messily sliding your lips together as he filled you up. The two of you stayed like that for awhile, lazily kissing as he softened inside of you. It felt good, it felt right, the perfect end to a great night.

Astarion pulled out slowly, cooing at you as you gasped at the feeling. Your legs were still trembling as he set you back on the ground, bad enough for Astarion to wonder if he should just pick you up before you crumpled on the floor.

But first...

Astarion dropped to his knees, ignoring your surprised gasp as he spread your legs back apart.

"Hush darling," Astarion ordered as he pushed your dress back up, "Let me have a look at you."

Astarion was aware that he had gotten a little rough near the end there. It wouldn't be the first time he made you bleed during sex, nor the last. But he would hate to do so accidently. But no, your pussy looked perfectly healthy, if not a little swollen. Flushed and pink, your hole still twitching the slightest bit. The sight of your pussy all slick and red was nearly enough to make his mouth water.

"Spread your legs a little further pet," Astarion murmured, looking just to look. He gently added pressure to your shaking thighs until you complied, "That's it. Good girl."

His cum was already starting to leak out of you, the smallest bit of white making it's first appearance amongst your wet folds. No doubt it would be sliding down your legs soon enough. He could do something about that. But then again... the alternative sounded like too much fun.

Astarion stood back up with a smile, patting your pussy once before letting your dress fall back down, "Try to hold it in darling. We wouldn't want to make another mess, would we?"

You nodded slowly, still looking half out of it. A sweet, hazy look still plastered onto your face. You were already leaning in for another kiss, naturally desperate for more contact. Contact that Astarion was more than happy to give. He pulled you closer, kissing you deeply; your fingers tangling in his hair to pull him even closer. He wrapped his arms around your back, dipping his tongue between your lips as you dreamily sighed.

You pulled away first, to his displeasure, but you didn't go far. You rested your forehead against his, smiling softly with loving eyes, "Hi."

Astarion couldn't help but smile back, taking the time to tuck a wild piece of hair behind your ear, "Hello my treasure. Did you have fun tonight?"

"I think you know the answer to that," You giggled softly, "I'm not even sure I can walk."

That he did. And there would be many more nights like it. Though for now, he'd prefer to get you home. He felt a bit reluctant to parade you back out there for the masses eyes, so obviously debauched by his hands. No, the sight of you happy and flushed was for his eyes only. Your night would be ending here.

You squeaked as he swept you up in his arms, already muttering the magic for a portal under his breath. And just like that the two of you were gone, completely uncaring to give any good byes.

The two of you popped right into the entry hall of the estate, sudden enough to nearly scare a maid half to death. Astarion paid them no mind, too busy with carrying you upstairs to the sanctuary of your quarters.

You cuddled into his chest, looking up at him with a nervous look, "Did... Did I do good tonight?"

"Of course you did," Astarion cooed as he kicked the door to the bedroom open, trying to softly drop you on the bed, "Perfect creature that you are, what else could have possibly happened?"

But you didn't let go when he tried to pull back, clinging hard enough for Astarion to simply follow you. But he didn't mind, no he preferred you like this. Needy, wanting, and his. He twisted the two of your around, settling only when he had you laying on top of him. He would set a bath for the two of you later, but for now he was more than happy to lay here, watching as your tired to stay conscious. You always got so tired after sex, just one more silly thing that he was endeared by.

"I love you," You mumbled, your eyes falling closed, "Thank you for taking me tonight. For trusting me. I... thank you."

"I love you too darling," Astarion murmured back, kissing your forehead, "You get better by the day. I really am proud of you."

It was true. You were learning, adjusting. Give him a decade and you'd be completely immersed in your new life, all thoughts of useless things like "freedom" forgotten.

You were his. Until the end of time, you'd be together.

He'd make sure of that.

[httpiastri]

hiii congratulations!! could i please request a 🍈 with paul for just any of the comforting hug prompts? for after a bad race 🫶

🍈 – send me a driver and a prompt from this list of hugging prompts, these touch starved prompts, or these kiss prompts, and i will write a short blurb for you!!

author's note: thank you !!! :) hope you enjoy this post-hungary (tbh could be read as post-any bad race) angst/comfort thing. i chose prompts 22, 34, 28 & 39 <33

(also im tired asffff so this has not been properly proofread, sorry if there are any mistakes)

3k celly !!

it all started so well.

a good practice session and pole position. it was supposed to be a redemption weekend. but oh, how quickly things can turn around when you least expect them.

you've been fighting to keep your eyelids open for the past hour, the letters and words in the book your hands are holding long forgotten. dozing off seems like such a good idea, and you can hardly refrain from letting your eyes rest for just a moment...

but the little rattle of keys followed by the sound of the front door unlocking gives you a sudden spurt of energy again.

he's home.

there's a shuffle by the front door before it closes with a little click. your breath hitches in anticipation as you fold the corner of a page in your book, leaving it to rest on the bedside table while you listen for more sounds. his keys jingling as they're set atop the table by the door, heavy footsteps muffled by thick socks, a suitcase rolling down the hallway – every sound bringing him closer to you.

"why are you still up?"

paul lets his backpack fall to the floor with a thud, his expression hard to read as he looks over at you. in the low light of the bedside lamp, he looks exhausted, the bags under his eyes deeper and darker than usual. it's already late, way past midnight, but you really wanted to stay up and welcome him home, especially after the weekend he's just had.

this current season, paul has had a habit of always traveling home again the same night of his feature race; no matter how good or bad it went. he says it's because he misses you and wants to spend as much time as possible with you – but you also suspect that it's his way of escaping the pressures and expectations, especially after a harder weekend.

"i wanted to see you," you tell him with a guilty smile, blinking up towards him.

he pulls his hoodie over his head, throwing it in the direction of a chair in the corner of the room, leaving him in just his gray sweatpants and white t-shirt. when he steps closer, you move the covers out of the way and he slips onto the bed. then, it doesn't take more than a second before he's crawled into your embrace, chin heavy on your shoulder.

as your arms drape around him, he collapses completely into your touch and you can practically feel the weight of the weekend's disappointments and frustrations seep from his body. somehow, paul seems smaller than ever before, more vulnerable, as if the armor he wears so confidently around the track has been stripped away. you trace your fingers up and down his spine, hoping to absorb at least some of his burdens, and thankfully feeling the tension ease ever so slightly under your touch. you know that this moment is crucial for him; you know how much times like these help him rebuild his strength and slip away from the stress of the weekend.

you have so much to say. so many words of comfort, even more reassuring confirmations and gentle affirmations. you begin to pull away, but paul's grip on you remains firm, as if letting go of you would mean facing the reality he's trying to escape. "not yet," he mumbles into your skin. "can you... hold me for a little longer?"

you nod instantly, pressing a kiss to his temple before resting the side of your head against his again. "i won't let you go. ever."

right now, the only thing he wants is to be held, and you don't mind.

you know that sometimes, words aren't necessary.

sometimes, just being there, just holding on, is enough to make the world feel a little less heavy.

and being able to lift even just a little of that weight would be worth way more than a thousand words.

[roseykat]

KINKTOBER DAY 16

TITLE: If the collar fits

PAIRING: Seungmin x reader

WARNING: minors DNI with this post or my blog. I create NSFW SKZ related content and I know I won't be able to regulate every single interaction with those posts so please do not engage with my work or page whatsoever.

SUMMARY: Seungmin can't stand brats. But he is more than willing to train one into submission no matter how hard it is for him. A blurb on how Seungmin takes his brat aka you.

TAGS: brat taming, mentions of sex, orgasms, orgasm denial, overstimulation, sex toys, degradation (sort of), also use of degrading names.

KINKTOBER23 - MASTERLIST

TAGLIST: @mal-lunar-28 @luneskies @kibs-and-bits @dreamingaboutjisung @queenmea604 @aaasia111 @fairy-lixie @kbitties

-

Brat tamer Seungmin is unapologetically harsh. His method of training you out of bad habits shows how unreluctant he is in letting you have good things, but knows that it’s necessary to enforce good behaviour. In saying that, what would you have done for Seungmin to switch into a brat tamer?

It starts with not listening in bed. If you’re cumming and he’s telling you not to, it’ll be an hour's worth of orgasm denial for the next session in the bedroom. If so, Seungmin is incredible at withholding his own pleasure in order to make you suffer.

Orgasm torture is his other method of approach to subduing your bratty tendencies. In that case, you’d have to be prepared to orgasm repeatedly, over and over again until there’s a small puddle beneath your body. It’s actually one of his favourite options because he can be so mean with it.

He’d say things like, “you want to cum so bad, have at it,” “fucking whore just keeps cumming, huh?”, “you want to stop? What’s that, it’s too much for you? Cry about it.” But tears don’t work on him either. He knows it’s a way in which to make him feel sorry for you when he doesn’t.

Another method for you may be some form of temporary abstinence from his body, specifically his cock. He might just fuck and cum in your mouth then not give you anything in return so you can have a taste of your own medicine.

But there’s a way in which Seungmin will make you get off on him without him having to do anything and it can be so fucking frustrating. Firstly, he’s fixing a collar around your neck and attaching a lead to it so he can control your movements. After that, he’s sitting down in a chair, you’re still on the ground, and he will make you get off on his leg or shoe for that matter.

It’s actually embarrassing and degrading because Seungmin isn’t entirely involved in the process of trying to get you to cum, he just sits there watching you try to hump his leg until you get an orgasm that fizzles out relatively quickly. But he knows it’s a good way to reinforce to you that, that is what happens when you misbehave.

Also, hiding away all your toys is surefire way of ensuring that you’re not getting any pleasure even when he’s not around. Vibrators, dildos, plugs, the lot - hidden and you won’t get them back unless Seungmin thinks you’ve learnt your lesson.

-

A/N: once again, I’m really sorry for not updating much with this last week/few days of Kinktober. For those who don’t know, I’m overseas and have work stuff throughout the day so it’s hard for me to continue writing my works! It’s been tiring and I really just want to go home lmao but thank you for bearing with me xxx

[fortheloveofwonderland]

Rusty | Chapter 11 | S.R

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N - Just an FYI - the fics being posted now were finished months ago. I haven't written anything for the fandom in quite a long time and at present have no drive to do so. Once Midnight and Rusty are finished posting that will be it from me for the forseeable. Thank you for coming along for the ride.

Chapter Summary - Spencer pushes through another barrier on his way to recovery. But when a face from his past shows up out of the blue it threatens to destroy everything between the two of you.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - strangers to friends to lovers | angst | smut minors DNI

Warnings - male masturbation, Spencer’s incredibly dirty thoughts, brief mention of three ways, handjobs, oral sex (f receiving) and penetrative sex (both p in v and p in a) all by way of Spencer’s imagination (Spencer is basically writing his own smut fic in his head), self inflicted wounds, talk of weight loss, swearing, arguing, yelling, tears, sad Luke, bit of a cliff hanger ending. WC - 7.6k

Chapter 11 - All My Ex's Live in Texas

The sentiment, to be able to love someone we must first learn how to love ourselves, felt oddly poignant in this moment, as Spencer stood in his bedroom, in front of the full-length mirror tucked away in his closet. 

It wasn’t exactly a rare occurrence, he often gave himself a cursory glance before he left the lodge of a morning, giving himself a brief once over. 

It also wasn’t something he made a habit of doing. He kept the mirror inside the closet for the purposes of not having to look at himself for long periods of time. 

But this was for entirely therapeutic purposes. 

And the idea of having to love oneself before allowing others into our heart rang true in an entirely different way. 

Spencer needed to be able to engage himself physically before he could expect anyone else to do the same. 

It had been four days since his trip to Doctor Ortega’s office. In those four days the two of you had participated in a string of increasingly heavier make out sessions, three of which fervent enough to yet again cause Spencer to come in his pants, but as yet had not graduated onto anything more intimate. 

Yesterday the two of you had ridden your respective mares into Pipe Creek for Spencer to collect his new prescription and Doctor Ortega had caught him on his way out. 

She’d taken him aside and reminded him that in order to take back control of his own body, he had to truly own it himself before he frivolously tried to hand it over to someone new. 

And that’s what led him here. Standing in front of his full-length mirror, naked as the day he was born. 

The only part of his body that was concealed was his casted arm, he’d even gone as far as to remove the dressings from his bicep, thigh and stomach. 

The wounds were all at various stages of healing, scabbing over and starting to scar. They would all leave their marks upon his skin for the rest of his life, a constant reminder that he’d been to hell but was desperately trying to claw his way back. 

He focused on them for longer than necessary, trying to distract his mind from the task at hand for as long as he possibly could. You’d gone to the grocery store with Rusty and wouldn’t be back for a while. He had time for his introspective. 

He inspected each cut with a keen eye, taking note of how each brandished him, pictured what they’d look like once solid and pink against his alabaster flesh. 

This was not an activity Spencer relished. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked at his naked form in such a manner. It felt clinical. Yet another experiment. 

Spencer liked experiments so he tried to keep that in mind as he took himself in as a whole before slowly ingesting each individual facet that made the full Spencer Reid picture. 

Start at the top, work his way down. Cold, removed, distant. 

Still got a good head of hair, not like William. Good hair. Thick hair. No greys. Almost forty and no greys. That’s pretty good going considering the stress I’ve been under. 

Nice eyes. Friendly eyes, that’s what JJ called them. Or was it kind eyes? Nice no less. Brown with gold flecks mom always used to point out. 

Bags under the eyes aren’t so nice. When did they get so purple? I look like I’ve never slept a day in my life. 

Nose. Lips. Chapped lips, such dry lips. How does Y/N kiss me? Need to buy chapstick. Must remember to buy chapstick. 

Need to shave. Or do I? I don’t hate the stubble, it makes me look tougher. Wonder what Y/N’s opinion on it is? Maybe I should ask her. 

His eyes trailed slightly lower to his torso. 

Still so skinny. Didn’t I put on weight? Where did that go? Mom always says I look like I’m not eating. Have I been eating? When did I get this skinny?

Lost weight in prison. Couldn't eat after…my mouth was always too sore. Thought I’d put it back on. Did I lose it again? How? When? 

He raised his hand in absent-mindedness and ran his fingers along the visible bones of his sternum, protruding through his milky skin. He pulled a face and dropped his hand again, somewhat unamused. 

His eyes briefly flitted back over the cut on his left side, garnering his attention once again before flicking to his stomach. 

Definitely lost weight, but how? Hip bones are more prominent. Got one of those little v-cut muscles I was always jealous of on Luke. Did I get that from riding? It does require core strength. I’ve never noticed it before. 

He continued quickly past the appendage where his attention was supposed to be, down to his legs. He’d always had strong thighs, thick thighs but they were somehow even meatier than he remembered. 

Is that from riding too? Must be. Good legs, definitely not terrible legs. Sturdy. Load bearing. 

I’m stalling. 

He closed his eyes with a loud huff, feeling incredibly self conscious all of a sudden. Opening his eyes again he forced his gaze between his legs where his flaccid member hung in a bed of pubic hair. 

And here we are, the thorn in my side. The bane of my goddamn existence. My…

…it’s not gonna get hard if you berate it. 

He grit his teeth and stared almost aggressively at the length of flesh and muscle between his legs. 

Masturbation should not be this difficult. 

It felt forced. He wasn’t aroused, not even a little. On the occasions in his life he had turned to self pleasure, it was only because he was incredibly horny, which wasn’t a regular occurrence for him unless he was in the act itself. 

He’d never just sat and thought I’m bored, maybe I could jerk one off. What was normal protocol here? 

His new phone had the internet and he would probably be able to look up a porn site. But what porn? Spencer didn’t even know what kind of porn he liked. 

He found both men and women attractive, where would he even begin? In an ideal world, what kind of sexual desire would…oh…oh! 

He stared at his cock as it twitched very slightly, heart beat picking up at the simple thought. He kept his eyes trained downwards while he contemplated it again. 

I like both men and women, I find them equally attractive. Specifically one man and one woman so what if I could have both? 

Again he twitched, before his very eyes his cock started to swell. His mouth fell open, chest heaving with his breaths. 

Y/N and Luke? Together? And me. All three of us. Together. Touching. Kissing. Or I could just watch, I’d be pretty happy to watch. 

Again he was amazed by the sudden jerk of his shaft, swelling slowly but surely. 

Oh this could work. I think this might work. 

He wrapped his hand around his shaft without too much thought in case he might talk his way out of this. He was only semi-erect but the speed in which it had happened meant he could be fully aroused in no time. 

He kept his eyes open, trying to force himself to watch as he started his slow strokes but his mind was wandering quickly down a sinful rabbit hole. 

Standing over them while she straddles him, her bare thighs pressed against his bare thighs, taking hold of his hard cock in her hand. 

Hearing Luke moan as his Adam’s apple bobs at her touch. Her beautiful, petite hand, unable to wrap all the way around his shaft. But she tries, she tries so hard. She wants to make him feel good, wants to give me a show.

Luke’s looking up at me, his eyes blown out with lust. 

“Come closer, cariño, let me touch you.” 

Oh how I happily oblige. 

Whilst she’s stroking Luke I kneel on the bed next to them and Luke is immediately taking me in his own large hand. I moan and my head falls back against my shoulders at his touch. 

He strokes me in time with her strokes on him. The sound of flesh on flesh echoing in the room. Moans and heavy breaths. 

There’s another hand on my jaw, I look at her and she draws me in for a deep kiss. Her tongue explores my mouth while Luke’s hand pumps my cock. 

My other hand finds her breast and I knead it beneath my fingers, pinching her hardened nipple in my hand. 

Yep, that’ll do it. 

He was fully erect in his hand now, stroking himself at an almost furious pace. His hand twisted and tightened, staring at his cock in his own hand in the mirror. 

Laying on my back and she’s on top of me, lowering herself down, slowly, slowly. Inch by inch I watch myself disappear inside her silken walls. I can feel the way her body stretches and pulls around my hard cock. 

Luke is behind her, palming her tits, kissing her neck. She’s whining, moaning because she’s so tight and I’m so big. 

“How does he feel, baby?” Luke whispers against her flesh once I’m completely sheathed inside of her.

“Fuck, he feels so good.” She starts to rock back and forth on top of me, eyes staring intently down at me. 

One of Luke’s hands travels downwards, to the juncture where our bodies meet. His index finger pressing against her clit. 

She vibrates around me, sending shockwaves down my cock. The moan that leaves my lips is nothing short of feral. 

Frantically fisting his own cock whilst imagining the pleasures of being with the both of you and his head was already leaking against hand. He swiped his thumb through it, legs buckling a little at the sensation and using his precum as lube. 

He was gnawing on his lip, watching the way his cock throbbed in his hand. It was a heady sight to behold. He thought he’d be disgusted by it. Was it wrong that it turned him on more? 

He looked good like this, strong, virile, dare he even say, sexy? He felt powerful as he watched his face contort in the pleasure he was bestowing upon himself. His staunch thighs shook beneath him. 

His thick and heavy length pulsed against his palm. 

She’s on her back, legs spread for me. I leave a trail of kisses across her soft skin but I’m in a hurry, I need to get to my final destination. 

Once my face is buried between her folds, I lap up at her arousal before my tongue settles on her swollen bud. She writhes beneath me at the contact, trying to move away. But I stop her with an arm across her abdomen. 

She moans and screams as I take her in my mouth, suckling on her sensitive clit. Like a man possessed I work between her legs, like she’s my favourite meal. 

I can feel a heat behind me, and hands on my hips guiding me up onto my knees. I comply because I’m so wrapped up in the way she tastes on my tongue. 

Then there’s something pressing into me from behind, I’m being stretched but in the best possible way. 

As Luke fills me up I moan into her core, making her squirm. The sounds in the room are melting into the walls, the smell of sex is heavy in the air. 

Luke thrusts into me hard and fast and I take two fingers and plunge them inside of her waiting heat while keeping my mouth on her desperate clit. 

She’s rocking against my face, coating my lips and chin in her arousal as my fingers sink inside of her. 

Luke is grunting as he fucks me, filling me up in a way I haven’t been filled in so long. Between my legs I can feel my cock twitching, pulsing, close to the edge without being touched. 

“Oh fuck,” Spencer mumbled, legs trembling. “Oh Jesus fucking Christ.” 

More precum leaked from his tip, coating his hand as he thought of eating you out while Luke fucked him. His head was hazy, his breaths ragged.

“Fuck, Spence, I’m close. So close.” She screams as I plunge my fingers in and out of her and swipe my tongue over her clit. 

Luke’s thrusts are growing more violent, his balls slapping against my ass. 

“Make her come, Spence. You can do it, cariño.” Luke encouraged me and I pick up my speed.

Soon enough I feel her walls clenching around my fingers and she’s coming undone at my will. She’s convulsing beneath me and I know it’s all because of me. 

And as I feel her coming, moaning my name, my own orgasm starts to pinch at my stomach and I know it won’t be long before I’m…

…“fuck, fuck, fuck!” Spencer screamed as he gripped the base of his shaft and started splattering streaks of his come all over the mirror. 

He kept stroking himself through his orgasm, his legs undulating back and forth as he expelled himself on the reflective surface, covering his hand in his sticky seed. 

He watched every small movement of his body, his quivering thighs, his leisurely strokes on his spent cock, his chest dragging up and down with each shallow breath. 

His brain was foggy but his vision was exceedingly clear. He was fascinated by the way his body moved, how one small ripple in one muscle caused another to flex and so on and so forth. 

The contours of his body seemed so sharp in his post orgasm haze, every pull or push, every pulse, every dilation. 

He’d never looked upon himself with such startling clarity before as his shaft started to soften in his hand, it was all becoming clear.

This is my body. I can see it. I can feel it. My body belongs to me. My body doesn’t belong to anyone but me. 

I am whole. I am whole. 

I am Spencer Reid and I am whole. 

He was so lost in his newfound captivation of his own frame, he didn’t hear you enter the lodge or call his name. He also didn’t hear the bedroom door open or your footsteps on the wooden floor.

It wasn’t until your face appeared in the reflection behind him that he registered his company. 

“Uh, hi?” A smirk adorned itself on your features as you regarded him, soft cock in his hand and the distinctive come stains on the mirror. 

You couldn’t stop your gaze flitting up and down his body. You’d never seen him completely naked before, uninhibited, exposed. 

You tried to make a mental note of every dip and curve of his glorious body. He really was a sight to behold.

“Hi,” he replied, returning your smile. 

“Everything okay here?” 

He let go of his length, turned to face you. His pupils were blown out wide. 

“More than okay.” He nodded. 

And suddenly he advanced on you, smashing his lips against yours and not caring in the slightest that he was naked and sticky with his own come. 

He grabbed at you, pawed at you hungrily. His wandering hands got you out of your clothes in no time at all and soon the two of you were falling back to the bed. 

He was on top of you, kissing you with reckless abandon. He could already feel himself growing hard again between your bodies. 

His tongue desperately explored your mouth as though it were the first time, he manoeuvred you both so he was on his back and you were straddling him. 

He hissed as he got an unhindered sight of your breasts as you sat atop him. Needy hands wandered until they were palming them, pinching your nipples between his deft fingers until they stood to attention, not allowing himself to be impeded by his cast. 

You moaned and rocked back and forth on top of him, his hard cock gliding between your folds. Spencer whined and bucked against you. 

He removed his hands, letting his casted arm fall back to his side. His good hand circled around your wrist, gripping it tight and moving your hand so it hovered above his cock.

You stared at him, silently questioning him. Spencer simply nodded in response and let go of your wrist. 

You sucked in a breath, cautious as you lowered your hand closer to his throbbing member. When your hand wrapped around his base he moaned in fervour. 

His eyes rolled back into his skull, back arching off the bed. You slowly started to move your hand up and down around him but he was soon bucking into your hand, setting the pace for you.

His desperation was evident in the surges of his hips snapping back and forth fiercely. His teeth sunk into his bottom lip as his eyes landed on you again. 

He smiled up at you, the ethereal being perched on his thighs whilst working to bring him the utmost pleasure. 

He was whole. He was finally beginning to feel whole. 

***

It was getting late by the time the BAU finally wrapped up in Texas. Luke had agreed with Rossi that he would take one day off to visit Spencer before he joined them back at Quantico. 

Given the hour, Luke intended on getting a hotel for the night in Bandera town. He drove those forty some miles north from San Antonio in his SUV, fingers tapping nervously against the steering wheel as he tuned into a country and western radio station. 

The back seat was full of gifts and cards which Garcia had sent to the police precinct for Luke to deliver to their old friend for his birthday which was just a few days away. 

Luke’s nerves flooded his body, causing his stomach to form into tight knots. The closer he got to Bandera, the more anxious he grew, palms sweating against the wheel. 

He was under no illusion that Spencer would be happy to see him, especially with him showing up unannounced. But in Luke’s defence he had tried to call Spencer several times over the last few days to inform him of his visit. It wasn’t his fault Spencer didn’t answer. 

It was nearing eleven pm by the time Luke arrived in Bandera and try as he might he couldn’t get himself to the hotel. 

He couldn’t wait another minute. He needed to see Spencer now. 

He took the turning off the main road with the directions Garcia had sent him. He drove a little ways up a dirt track until he came to a stop next to another car. 

Killing the engine he frowned himself. He didn’t think Spencer had a car. He supposed he could have purchased one any time. 

He slid out of the SUV, dropping to the dirt and closed the door behind him. There was a small single storey lodge a few hundred yards up on the left. 

There was a light on. 

Luke swallowed, smoothing out his shirt and running his fingers through his hair. His chest swelled with nerves and his legs shook a little as he started towards the lodge. 

***

Spencer’s second orgasm seemed to come quicker than the first, your small, dainty hand bringing him to completion in no time at all. Chest heaving with his breaths, he immediately pulled you down by the back of your neck so he could kiss you. 

He was whole. He was whole. They didn’t win. 

He kissed you fiercely, his come sticky between your bodies but neither of you minded. His hand stayed on the back of your neck, pinning you to him. 

“You’re amazing.” He mumbled against your lips. 

“No, you’re amazing.” You replied. 

You wanted to tell him you were proud of him but you didn’t want to make a big deal of it or have him think you were patronising him. Instead you continued kissing him, grinding your bodies together as you did so. 

Spencer felt like every single one of his nerve endings were on fire. He was overstimulated, he could feel every thread of the sheets beneath him, feel every negligible movement of your body as it moved against his own. 

It was eye opening. He’d forgotten how this was supposed to feel. Intimacy wasn’t meant to make him feel guilty, pleasure wasn’t designed to cause him pain. 

He’d neglected to remember how it should feel. Two bodies coming together, becoming one. Becoming whole. 

He felt as though he could well be floating, his body lighter than air. He needed more. He needed so much more. He needed everything and he needed it with you. 

He gripped the back of your neck firmly, tongue roughly exploring the deepest recesses of your mouth. The sound of heavy breathing filled the room alongside soft moans and the friction of skin on skin. 

And for the second time that night, Spencer didn’t hear the door to his cabin open or the heavy footsteps on his hardwood floor.

***

Worryingly, Luke found the door to Spencer’s lodge was ajar, not quite closed all the way. His hand immediately pressed against the butt of his gun in its holster, ready just in case. In his experience, nothing good came from doors being left open. Least of all way out here in the sticks. 

He hesitantly pushed it open and took a step inside. The space was small and mostly full of books which didn’t surprise him at all. There were a few paper grocery bags on the kitchen counter. Nothing looked out of place or disturbed. 

He let his hand fall back to his side, trying to calm his erratically beating heart. Spencer could be scatty sometimes, perhaps he’d just been in a hurry. There was nothing to panic about. 

He stepped closer towards the closed door past the kitchen, for which he assumed was the bedroom. It was only as he drew closer that he started to register the sounds of heavy breathing.

His first thought was that Spencer might be having a panic attack. He’d had them a lot after prison, Luke knew all too well what they looked like. Perhaps he’d started to have one when he arrived home with groceries, it would explain why the door wasn’t closed properly and why the bags were still on the counter. 

Another wave of unease washed over him and he quickly pushed open the door without a second thought. 

The two bodies on the bed came into view and Luke felt as though the whole world came crumbling down around him in a single second. The body on top with their back to him was definitely female. The body beneath, laying on the bed was obscured from view but Luke would recognise those soft moans anywhere. 

“Wow,” he croaked out the single word as tears flooded his vision. 

Spencer suddenly sat up in bed, glaring at Luke over your shoulder. His mouth fell open, eyes wide in shock at the ghost standing in his doorway.

“L-Luke?” He stuttered. 

“Luke?” You hissed without looking over your shoulder. “As in…?” 

“Hmm.” Spencer nodded. 

You were still in his lap, trying to hide your naked frame against Spencer’s. You needed to leave. You couldn’t be part of this. You swung yourself off of the bed and in one swift move sprinted to the bathroom before you could give this stranger an eyeful. 

You’d left Spencer exposed and he quickly pulled the sheet around his body despite the fact Luke had seen him naked hundreds of times before. He hadn’t seen this version of him though, the one with the cuts and scabs from self abuse. He stared at Luke and Luke and him. Seconds seemed like hours.

He noticed Luke’s gaze flicker down to his arm and his brows pinched together.

“What happened to your arm?” Luke asked in concern. 

Spencer didn’t know whether he meant the cast or the cut on his bicep but he didn’t ask. 

“Riding accident.” Spencer clenched his jaw. “What are you…why are you here?” 

“We were in town for a case. I tried to call, you didn’t answer. The door was open and I thought something might have happened to you.” The hurt in Luke’s voice was palpable and Spencer felt a little guilty that he’d had to walk into this. 

“Uh, lemme get dressed okay? I’ll meet you outside?” Spencer chewed on the tip of his tongue, half thinking his overstimulated brain was imagining the man in front of him. 

Had he given over so entirely to his fantasy that it had begun to feel real? Was this all part of his vivid speculation? Was he in fact still masturbating in front of his mirror? 

No, it was all too real. The sadness in Luke’s eyes, the way his shoulders slumped with the weight of seeing his ex in bed with someone else. The way you’d so hurriedly scampered off to the bathroom. 

This was real life, even if it did feel like a nightmare. 

Luke nodded stiffly and turned about on his heels. Spencer watched his retreating form pad out of the bedroom and close the door behind him. 

Spencer got to his feet and started gathering up his clothes from the floor. He tapped on the bathroom door as he was fighting with his boxers.

“Are you okay?” He called when he got no answer. 

“Your ex is here, what do you think!” You hissed in response. 

“I had no idea he was coming here, Y/N. I didn’t invite him.” He was stuffing his legs back in his jeans, trying to ignore the way the fabric scratched his open wounds. 

“What the hell is he doing here then?” 

“I don’t know! I have no idea.” He grabbed his t-shirt whilst still working on the button of his jeans. “I need to deal with this, hopefully I won’t be long.” 

“Okay.” You whispered, hearing his footsteps head away from the door. 

He pulled the t-shirt down over his torso as he swung open the bedroom door. Through the window in the front door he could see Luke pacing the length of his porch. 

Spencer exhaled, raking his fingers through his hair in an attempt to tame it from his previous activities. He swallowed around his dry tongue and stepped towards the door. 

A frigid burst of air hit him as he stepped outside, joining Luke on the porch. Luke stopped in his tracks and glanced at Spencer. Even in the darkness he could see the tears in Luke’s eyes. 

“So, you’ve moved on, huh?” Luke folded his arms across his chest. 

“It’s been two years, what did you expect?” Spencer shrugged. 

He hated that even after all this time Luke could still cause all the air to leave his lungs. He looked much the same as Spencer remembered in his mind's eye that last time he saw him. He had an extra few creases around his eyes, a few more greys peppering his hairline, but otherwise he remained unchanged.

“What did I expect? Well for starters I expected more from you than leaving without a damn word! I expected that you wouldn’t completely cut me out of your life! I expected…maybe I hoped that I wasn’t the only one still pining like an idiot.” He choked back a sob. “So she gets the healed Spencer Reid? She gets to have you now you’ve worked through your trauma? When I was the one that spent a year by your side after, trying to help you? How is that fair?” 

“You think I’m healed?” Spencer’s voice raised a little. “You think I’ve worked through my trauma?”

“It looks that way to me. I seem to remember the last time I tried to get you into that position you pinned my arm behind my back!” Luke spat. 

“You have no idea what this is like for me.” Spencer shook his head angrily. “She is the first person I have been able to get close to and even still I’m terrified I’m only one second away from breaking down at all times. It’s been four years and this is the closest I’ve come to moving past what happened to me but I am by no means suddenly shiny and new. I haven’t had sex with her, is that what you want to hear? At this point I’m not even sure I can! 

“You can’t just show up here after two years and think you know what I’m going through. I have to take medication every day just so I am not completely crippled by my trauma. I blackout when the stress gets too much, I dissociate because my mind can’t handle the pain. Don’t come here and assume you know what I’m going through. You have no idea.” 

In the bathroom you heard raised voices outside and worried about Spencer’s rising anger and what could happen if he let it get out of control. You snuck back out and found your clothes, quickly redressing and creeping into the living room. 

From the kitchen you could see them through the glass pane in the front door without them being able to see you were watching. You told yourself you weren’t eavesdropping, you just wanted to be ready in case Spencer needed grounding. 

You tucked yourself away in the corner, eyes on the side of Luke’s face. You felt that swell of familiarity again that you couldn’t place. Your fingers kneaded your achy jaw as you listened.

“You were supposed to come back! I gave you time, I gave you space. I thought if I did those things you would come back and we would be okay again.” Luke rubbed his eyes to try and stem his tears.

“That’s not my fault, Luke. I didn’t ever give you a reason to believe that would be the case. I’m sorry I left without telling you, I know I should have said goodbye. But I can’t change that. This is my life now, I have no intentions of coming back to DC. I’m sorry if you thought that I would, but I never gave any indication that I would.” Spencer rubbed his hand on his jeans, focusing on the rough texture. 

He needed to stay tethered, he couldn’t let the anger bubble and cause his mind to detach. 

“Did you love me?” Luke’s voice pitched. “Did you ever really love me like you said you did?” 

You knew that voice, you were sure of it. You just couldn’t place it. 

“How can you even ask me that?” Spencer softened. “Of course I did.” 

“But it was easier for you to run away than try and make things work with the man you supposedly loved?” Luke exhaled. 

“I had to leave. After everything that happened, after Merva, it was just too much. I needed to get away from DC, away from it all.” Spencer sniffed loudly. 

“You could have talked to me instead of running away, Spencer. It’s what I was there for. But you never talked to me.” 

“I couldn’t talk to you, Luke. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I just wanted to forget.” Spencer’s eyes filled with tears and he rubbed his palm roughly against his thigh, focused on the material of his jeans. 

“You know I know what happened right?” Luke shrugged. “I know what happened to you in prison. I read the medical reports.” 

Spencer froze. His rampant rubbing of his thigh stopped, he felt like his breathing stopped. He glared at Luke while he processed his words. 

He’d read the report. He’d known all along. 

Inside your brows pinched together. Prison? Spencer was in prison? Surely you must have the wrong end of the stick? Spencer did not seem like the type. There must be something you were missing. 

“You…how could you?” Spencer croaked. “How could you do that to me?” 

“You wouldn’t talk to me. I was worried about you.” 

“Worried? You were worried? So you invaded my privacy? Those reports were not your concern Luke! I figured Prentiss would have to see them but you…I can’t believe you would do that to me.” Spencer’s voice raised again and felt the anger in his stomach. 

Deep breaths, take deep, calming breaths. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. Feel something beneath your hand, ground yourself. This will be okay. One, two, three, four, five.

“Maybe if you’d talked to me I wouldn’t have felt the need to.” Luke didn’t know why he was trying to justify himself, he knew what he’d done was wrong. “How did you ever get cleared to come back to work? You were clearly struggling.” 

“Oh please, we wrote those questions. You think after fifteen years of profiling I didn’t know the right things to say to the bureau shrink so she would reinstate me?” Spencer clucked. 

“Did you ever tell her you were ra-”

“Don’t you dare you say it.” Spencer cut him off. “Don’t you dare.” 

Your head was spinning with the new information. Prison. Profiling. Bureau? What did this all mean? Your cell phone was on the counter next to the bags and you reached for it before hiding back in your corner. The arguing continued outside while you brought up a Google search. 

Spencer Reid + bureau

Within less than a second, hundreds of search results popped up on the little screen, articles upon articles. You quickly skim read some of the search results as your hand shook around the device. 

The youngest academy graduate recruited to the FBI’s illustrious Behavioral Analysis Unit, twenty two year old Doctor Spencer Reid…

With his three PhD’s, and IQ of 187, SSA Doctor Spencer Reid was hand picked by BAU founder Jason Gideon…

After a high speed chase in Mexico the FBI’s Behavioural Analysis Unit are on the scene. It’s thought that a member of the team is involved…

BAU Member SSA Doctor Spencer Reid acquitted of charges against him…

Hostage situation involving two members of the BAU…no further information is known at this time…

Your head swam. Your stomach lurched. This couldn’t be true, yet it was here in black and white. 

You were sleeping with the enemy. The sweet, kind cowboy you’d rescued from the desert was a former FBI Agent. 

Three PhD’s? An IQ of 187? Doctor? 

What the fuck was going on? You knew there were things he hadn’t told you but did you know him at all? And what led to an FBI agent going to prison? And what happened to him in prison that Luke had ascertained from his medical records?

You felt dizzy. You pushed yourself back up against the wall so you wouldn’t collapse. Luke’s raised voice brought you back around.

“You could have told me! I would have understood, I could have helped!” 

“No one can help me! Why don’t you understand that?” Spencer yelled back. 

“She seemed to be doing a fine job.” Luke scoffed, nodding his head towards the door.

“Goddamnit, would you let that go?” 

“Let it go? How the hell can I let that go? Every time I close my eyes I will see her on top of you!” Luke threw his arms up into the air. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger, okay? I’m sorry I pushed you away. But I am finally starting to move past what happened to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you but Y/N is…she makes me feel like I can heal. And I need that Luke, I need to heal.” Spencer sniffed again, feeling his tears dangerously close to falling.

Luke didn’t appear to be listening though, his brows pinched together as he rolled something over in his mind.

“Did you say Y/N?” He rubbed the side of his neck. 

Your back went rigid. Hearing him say your name dislodged something distant in the back of your mind.

“Have you seen this woman? Her name is Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N and we have reason to believe she’s been seen in this area.”

“Yeah, why?” Spencer’s voice broke through your memory. 

“I…I’m not sure.” Luke looked deep in thought. “Can I…? One sec.” 

Spencer watched in confusion as Luke turned and headed down the stairs towards his SUV. He wrapped his good arm around himself in protection and to stave off the cold night. 

“Have you seen this woman? Her name is Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N and we have reason to believe she’s been seen in this area.”

“I don’t know nothing, ‘bout nothing.” 

“Can you take a closer look at her photo ma’am? Your neighbour seems to think she’s been staying here.”

“Again, I don’t know nothing, ‘bout nothing.” 

“Would you mind if we took a look around?”

“You got a warrant?” 

“No…”

“Then get the hell off of my property.”

Magnolia Springs, Alabama. Mrs Royce, the kindly old woman for whom your mother had been best friends with all throughout childhood. She’d offered you a place to stay after you escaped custody. That was until her nosy neighbour recognised you from the wanted posters. 

You’d buried your mom’s money under a tree in the wooded area behind her house and watched from a distance as two FBI Agents had come to her home to question her. Even though she hadn’t seen your mother in more years than she could count, Mrs Royce was fiercely loyal, and hadn't said a word. 

You hadn’t had a great vantage point for which to see the agents, only caught small glimpses of them from where you hid in the back of the house. But they’d introduced themselves as -

- Agents Phil Brooks and Luke Alvez. 

Luke was hurrying back from his car with a manilla folder and Spencer stayed stock still while he awaited him. Luke opened the folder and pulled out a sheet of paper which he proffered to Spencer as soon as he was close enough. 

“What is this?” Spencer frowned at the paper.

“Is this the woman? I only saw her from the back. She coulda changed her hair? Is this her?” Luke jabbed a finger at the photograph in the corner of the page. “She escaped from a max security facility a few weeks ago. Phil called me.” 

To Spencer’s credit, no matter how many years it had been since he’d needed to to use his poker face, he was still an expert at it. His expression didn’t even so much as flinch as he looked at the photograph of you on Luke’s printout. 

He was right, you had changed your hair. But it was without a doubt you looking back at him from that mugshot. He glanced away, back at Luke and shook his head.

“No.” He lied. “I’ve never seen this woman before.” 

Luke’s eyes narrowed in scrutiny, watching for any little twitch, any tiny hint that Spencer was keeping something from him. But the truth was, even though they had dated and Luke thought he knew Spencer better than anyone, he never could read Spencer. 

“You wouldn’t lie to me would you, Spencer? Because this woman is dangerous, and if you’re lying to me, that’s harbouring a fugitive. I don’t need to tell you that comes with a prison sentence.” Luke observed again. 

Even at the mention of prison, Spencer’s features didn’t change. 

“I’m telling you Luke, I don’t know this woman.” He waved the paper in front of him. “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

Your own brows pinched together. You peered out the window to see the paper in Spencer’s hand but it was too dark to see exactly what was on it. But you were certain he would know it was you in the photograph. So why was he lying? 

“Right, I’m just being paranoid I guess.” Luke huffed, snatching the paper back from Spencer.

“I think you should go Luke, it's late and you shouldn’t have come here.” Spencer returned his arm to its position wrapped around him. 

“I’m staying down the road for the night. Maybe we can meet tomorrow for coffee or something?” Luke tucked the file under his arm.

“No,” Spencer shook his head. “I don’t want this Luke. I moved out here for a reason, to get away from my life in DC. To get away from…from…”

“From me?” Luke croaked. 

“From everyone.” Spencer corrected him. “You will always have a place in my heart, Luke. I did love you but I’m not the same man I was when we started dating and I’m never going to be him again. You have to let me go, Luke, please? Please just let me go.” 

Luke wanted to argue, he wanted to argue with every fibre of his being. He didn’t drive all the way out here to have it end like this. 

But Spencer’s sad eyes and downturned lips forced him to bite his tongue. Spencer had been through an immeasurable amount of trauma and he was just trying to make it through to the otherside. Luke couldn't help him, he tried, but he’d failed. Perhaps the best thing for Spencer’s wellbeing was for Luke to walk away, to let him go once for and for all. 

Luke huffed a breath out through his nose and took a few steps backwards. He navigated the steps whilst never taking his eyes off of Spencer. 

“I wish it could have been different.” Luke’s first tear fell and he didn’t try to hide it. “You were the love of my life.” 

“I know.” Spencer scrunched his face up as he felt his own tears ready to escape. 

“But I wasn’t yours.” Luke spoke for him with a weak shrug of his shoulders. “I want you to be happy, Spencer, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Just promise me you’ll check in? I’m not asking for daily phone calls or anything like that but please stop ignoring me when I reach out. I’d really like to still be a part of your life even if only in a small capacity.” 

“That, uh, sounds reasonable.” Spencer nodded. 

“And call Penelope more. She worries about you more than anyone.” Luke shrugged, still walking backwards toward the SUV. 

“I will.” He nodded, swallowed thickly. But he was sure if you were who he now knew you to be, he’d never be able to talk to any of his old team ever again.

He felt overcome with discomfort. The goodbye he’d avoided two years ago now here at his feet. Spencer didn’t like goodbyes, it was why he’d left without them the first time. 

Goodbyes were endings. Full stops. The closing of a book. Spencer had wanted to keep the story open, unfinished, just in case he ever had the impetus to write that final chapter. But it had been penned for him. Luke had snatched the metaphorical pen from his hand by coming here and effectively completed their story. 

“Uh, goodbye then I guess.” Luke shrugged as he reached the car. 

“G-goodbye, Luke.” Spencer whispered. 

The book slammed shut. Or perhaps it was the car door. Either way, Spencer Reid and Luke Alvez’s story had come to its bitter end. 

He stood on the porch and watched as Luke started the engine before putting the vehicle in reverse. He continued to observe as the headlights cast an eerie glow on his land as the SUV turned around. He still just stood there as Luke’s car took to the dirt track back to the main road and soon vanished from sight. 

He huffed out a breath, rubbed his eyes to disperse the tears before turning to the door and practically throwing it open. He marched inside and found you in the corner of the kitchen, back pressed up against the wall. You’d been listening, of course you had. 

Spencer stayed on his side of the kitchen counter, worried what he might do if he came too close to you. He needed the barrier between you. He slammed his good hand on the counter top but you didn’t even flinch. His eyes were manic as they looked at you, large and wild. His chest was heaving erratically.

He opened his mouth several times to speak but the words kept getting stuck in his dry throat. Minutes of painful silence stretched between you while you kept your eyes on each other. 

Eventually Spencer sucked in a sharp breath, his jaw set in a tight line when he finally spoke. 

“Who the fuck are you?” He spat the words like venom on his tongue. 

You straightened yourself, squared your shoulders as if it might somehow intimidate him. When you spoke it was with equal malevolence. 

“I was going to ask you the same thing, SSA Doctor Spencer Reid.”  

More silence followed, reaching out into the sparse caverns that gorged their way between you. The wicked talons of the unspoken words weaved around you, wrapping you both in their icy clutches. 

You were both acutely aware that whatever conversation was about to transpire between you would inevitably make or break this fledgling relationship. You were no longer who you had been just hours before. A lonely cowboy and a weary traveller no more. All that remained was an FBI Agent and a Fugitive. 

It seemed inescapable that this could only end in one of two ways -

Either he called the cops on you and you were thrown back in prison, having the key thrown away and left to rot for the rest of your life behind bars. Or one of you would wind up dead. 

And you were not going back to prison. 

@kalulakunundrum @small-and-violent @voledart @katrina0-0 @bakugouswh0r3 @prettyboyandthefangirl @zooni92802 @mavellover1819 @babyspiderling

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Day 20: reading together

Masterlist flufftober 🎀

Reblog if you liked it!

“If I didn't love you so much, I'd probably be strangling you right now,” you muttered, watching from your spot on the couch as Spencer broke the spine of the book he had just gotten.

Although you two were very skilled readers, which had brought you together in the first place, your book care habits were very different. You could stand him writing in the books and bending the pages, but the first time you saw the man break the spine of a book you almost screamed to stop him. You were the type who opened the pages only as much as necessary, loaded them into a special bag, and used only post-its and pretty bookmarkers in them.

“I already told you that this is more comfortable and gives life to the books”

“It doesn't give them life, it kills them” you sobbed dramatically, while you raised your feet a little so that he could take a seat on the couch and once he was, he took care of placing your legs on his lap “What is this one about?”

"Physics. I want some distraction”

“Oh, sure,” you laughed ironically, as if it were common to read physics books to clear your mind.

You had been reading, for a couple of weeks, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, because the movie was one of your favorites in your youth and you wanted to know how much the book delved into the story of both lovers.

You were used to these kinds of moments with him, because since you had started living together your literary discipline had improved, so you tried to continue with your reading while he started his.

Everything was fine until you tensed when you felt his hand coming down from the cover to hold your leg firmly. You looked down from your book and a shiver ran through you when you noticed that he was able to hold all the flesh of your limb with those hands; big, calloused, and warm, always so expert at touching you just the way you wanted. But Spencer was so focused on the book that he didn't seem aware of what he was doing to you, not even when he started to slowly stroke you with his thumb.

You tried to shake the distraction from your mind and focused on the printed lines, the only sound being the turning of the paper pages in your lover's book. Spencer's fingers traced patterns and drummed on your skin, to the point where you got used to it and stopped paying attention to the tickling he was doing with it.

“What happened to you here?” Spencer asked suddenly, feeling interrupted by curiosity to know the origin of the bump his fingers had touched. You closed your book slightly and looked up to see what he was talking about.

"That? I think it was from a fall when I was little.”

“Sometimes I'm surprised to think how many things I still don't know about you,” he murmured, with unexpected sentimentality. His hand went up and down your leg while he maintained a thoughtful attitude “You are like a book; I think I know you well enough and when I look at you again you have a different meaning or I find something new about you”

“At least I hope you don't break my spine” you laughed and you heard him laugh too. You readjusted yourself on the couch until you were sitting next to him and you placed a kiss on his cheek, so he took the opportunity to surround you from the side “No one had ever compared me to a book.”

“I like being innovative,” he said, quite proud of himself, feeling how you fit better against him.

Once again one of his hands remained busy on your body and with the other he kept the book open, taking a little more time than usual to turn the pages. You carefully opened your reading and continued to enjoy the tragic romance the story told, having your own happy romance at your side.

taglist: @navs-bhat @reidwritings @tricia-shifting14 @spencerslove @vivian-555 @r-3dlips @rhiannonhippiegirl @taygrls @simp4f1 @sdddoobydoobydoo @taintedstranger

[max-nico]

Y'all I got more of my random Sonic headcanons 🗣️

Silver loves to doodle, Tails can always tell if he's stopped by his workshop because he doodles in the corner of his blue prints

Shadow can't stand sleeping on his back because he was in stasis for so long, plus it gives him sleep paralysis

Charmy is a thumb sucker💔

Vector's been trying to break the habit but nothing seems to be working

One time Silver gave Amy a recipe from the future, when he got back all of his cookbooks with similar recipes changed in some way. Could've been the cover, title, or the recipe itself

For some reason, the new recipe was even better than the old one

Shadow, as the ultimate lifeform, has 30/20 vision somehow

Blaze is at least part wildcat. Whether that's a panther, lion, puma, or something completely different I know it is within her

Everyone listens to Vanilla. Everyone. Even the other adults

Espio is constantly putting himself in needlessly dangerous situations to 'see if his body can take it'. Nobody likes that he does this

Tails hates being referred to as Sonic's baby/kid brother. If anything, he's a sidekick or a little brother and that's only because Sonic is taller than him, not because he's a kid

Surge and Wave get really competitive on hoverboards, but it's all in good fun (mostly)

Tails is incredibly smart and incredibly gullible, like I know he's fallen for "updog" at least once, and has fallen for the "someone wrote gullible on the ceiling" joke multiple times

You will hurt his feelings if you point this out

No one in team dark can cook, they tried to get lessons from Amy and Vanilla (both together and separately) they are banned from both kitchens now

Dw !! Vanilla is still willing to give them lessons, just only at one of their houses from now on :) (her kitchen will never recover)

If Sonic is passing through town and sees some particularly cool merch of his friends he'll stop to grab it, if he has time

If Sonic doesn't know where Tails is sometimes they have a little bit of a scavenger hunt, or maybe hide n go seek is the better term

Tails will periodically send pictures of where he is, dropping hints if he thinks they're necessary, and Sonic has to find them (Sonic doesn't know Tails invented this game so Sonic keeps his tracking skills sharp during down time)

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the other duos or trios adopted this game as well. I imagine specifically team dark would get carried away with this

One time some stranger held a phone up to Shadows face out of nowhere and asked him about his political views. Shadow smiled and said "whichever ones you don't agree with" and then teleported away

And that's all I have for now I think... It's been a while since I posted one of these, but it's still just as fun to write lol

Feel free to give me more headcanons in the reblogs or whatever, and my askbox is always open (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

[marwhoa]

request: can i get some Mori dating headcanons? it's okay if not, have a good day :]

🝮 mori-senpai dating headcanons !!

morinozuka takashi & reader

author’s note: so exciting! I did this impromptu without consulting my fic schedule at all, I was just so excited. It’s my second ohshc ask !! and my first headcanon write !! I have a few headcanon requests that i may be tots cool with knocking out shortly.. or maybe i’ll watch Wednesday.. ooh! Fun fact, i actually have Honey’s Usa-chan. I bought it with money I was given after donating plasma 😎 watch this be the post that gets me flooded with ohshc requests lmao

word count: 1.0k

When you guys first got together, little paper-craft animals would appear in places he knew you would see. You only discovered it was his work when one day, he said a little, “ oh! “ and then held out an adorable paper-tanuki. You keep them all, don’t you?

That isn’t to say he doesn’t still do it. No, no, you will occasionally find a little cat or so still! Once there was even a little chick.

Before dating him, you may have encountered a rude person, bully, or unwanted flirts. Once y’all were together, magically that slate was wiped clean… Did you gain a boyfriend or a guardian angel? (Trick question, answer is both!)

Now, we all know how quiet he can be—speaking only when necessary or so. As such, you have occasionally been referred to as the “ Mori Whisperer “ due to your accidental talent at being able to read this man like a book. Like, the easiest book. One time, you glanced at him from across the room, sprung right up, and left. Everyone was confused, and then even more so when you came back with … poetry book? God, they were even more confused.

When you turned and saw them looking at you, missing Mori’s second-long starstruck expression, you simply went, “ What? He had his ‘poetry book’ look in his eyes. “ No one knew which to question more, how you knew that or how you saw that look FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

Alright, home boy surprised the death out of you once though. You’re great at reading him, but you had never met an exhausted Mori, so imagine the shock on your face as you were leaving with him from the club room after a late night, and right before leaving out, his hands slipped into yours and pinned you to the wall. His head hung low, resting against your shoulder. Silence. A little squeak of awkwardness slipped your lips and he smirked against your skin, mumbling something about how cute you were and how hard it was to focus on anything else if you were in the room. Even when you were gone he couldn’t focus! He rose up, gave you a smooch on the forehead, and then carried on with a yawn.

You wondered if he could hear how loud your heart was thundering in your chest on the way to your rides home.

If you’re shorter than him—let’s be real, he’s 6’4. I dare you to be taller—he will wordlessly hoist you up in some way, shape, or form. Prove me wrong? Within reason, of course (like ceiling height limits), he is either going to encourage caring you on his back, shoulders, or in his arms (won’t confess to it, but he may, just a teensie tad bit, prefer this method)

If you ARE taller than him, don’t think you’re safe from being picked up. He will just tug you into a hug, contemplate silently for a second, and then WHOOSH, hoist you on up!

You see this? This right here? Yeah, he’s picking you up like this and looking into your eyes. If you’re lucky, you will catch his lips curl up into a fond smile.

Shares his food with you. Whether you have a habit of not eating or not, he will know. Mori is shockingly in tune with knowing whether you’ve had enough to eat or not—and if you’ve had the proper food groups. He grew up with the words most mischievous, sweets-loving little martial artist! Best believe he is either gently nudging a plate of yumminess to you OR holding it out for you to eat (cue the swooning in the background at such an adorable display of love!)

Mori will hold a bit of food for you to take, leaning into his propped-up hand with a smile in his eyes. When you take it, he can’t help but imagine you looking like an adorable little puppy or something and is quick to quietly take his gaze elsewhere, lest he wants his pale complexion to bloom with the ripest of rosy hues!

Rarely seen without Honey, but when you came into the picture? That because a, “ rarely seen without one of them, pretty much never alone ”. At first it was because Honey didn’t trust you being good enough for Mori and had to make sure you were good enough (what? you think someone’s following you? Oh, no, no, no, you’re um, seeing things. Yeah.) Now it’s just because it happens organically… or does it?

After the initiation period, you and Honey actually get along well. If Mori isn’t there when you come into the club room, Honey will beckon you over to hang out with him! Some of the girls love to visit him especially if you’re there because of the adorable older sibling caring for younger sibling dynamic you inadvertently fall into place of.

Mori may or may not have came in to see this once. Swore his heart nearly popped like a ballon as he saw your face contort into a playfully scolding expression saying, “ Honey-senpai, watch out! You’re spreading strawberry cream all over your face. “ He totally wasn’t imagining you taking care of children or anything, not at all. Not with those kind, gentle hands.

You’re, you’re sorely mistaken!

On particularly slow or boring days, he just might (with permission, of course, he is no heathen!) run his fingers through your hair absentmindedly. If you rest against him or lay your head in his lap, he will pray that you cannot hear how loud HIS heart is.

Also, his love language is acts of service. You don’t even have to ask him for help, he just magically appears (which has startled you a few times! you’ve joked a few times about getting him a little bell to hear him coming. he may have snorted at that, but when you turned back to look at him, he had a neutral expression…). Like, literally magically appears. One time you were having trouble on homework, and guess who sprung up a surprise visit? That’s right.

Morinozuka Takeshi, in the flesh. Cue a comedy scene worthy montage of you getting nice and presentable before letting him into your study room. He said he was also having trouble, but once the impromptu study sesh began, you discovered it was a lie! He was too good at this to be having trouble!

Who told him you needed help?!?

[killuagirly]

Yandere!Noah's Ark Circus[Separate] x Reader

Summary: Noah's Ark Circus members[Separate] seem to have a thing for you, but it only gets worse as you don't notice their obvious attempts to court you. What might they do in return?

Notes: I LITERALLY WAS SO EXCITED TO WRITE THIS FOR NO REASON AT ALL. The idea for this was taken from this post, but slightly changed up to fit more general circumstances. [Also because this is Yandere yk] I tried to make sure they all had a lil' sum but writing for this many characters in one post obviously means less content per character. Hopefully I'll get around to the main characters too, like Ciel, Sebastian, and so on.

CW: Yandere, Obsessive tendencies, Possessiveness, Slight mentions of violence[nothing really bad], etc. Read at your own risk!!

────────── ʚ♡ɞ ──────────

Joker

The 'ringleader' has special tricks up his sleeve just for you. It really couldn't get more obvious to everyone around you when he's leaving gifts outside your tent that range from flowers to clothing and so much more. He'll make sure you acknowledge his tricks and jests during the announcing and performances by making silly inside jokes between the two of you during the show.

Eventually he may start to notice patterns in your behavior when you take his romantic gestures lightly, as nothing more than two close friends. Experimenting to see if his assumptions were correct, he even went as far as kissing you on the cheek before wishing you goodnight after one of his shows.

As he suspected, you only laughed it off and told him goodnight in return. He starts to wonder if the way you keep looking the other way is because you may already have eyes for someone. If even it may seem so, Joker keeps his cool and focuses on improving your view of him. No action will need to be taken if he can simply draw your attention away from other.

If means necessary, he's not hesitant and will slowly push everyone away from you to worm his way into your heart. If it gets to the point where your unmindful habits could be taken as rejection, he may be the type to just outright tell you about his feelings for you. If you still brush it off as some kind of joke, I pray for you because this man will take it to no means end to make you understand his love for you.

Beast

One of the most gorgeous women you'll ever meet, falling for you. Honestly, I'm jealous. Beast is the one who'll communicate her love for you through silent actions, no doubt about it. She'll be your shoulder to cry on, help you with any questions or concerns you have regarding the circus, and you can always come to her with outside troubles as well.

Beast honestly would most likely get upset rather than offended once it hits her that you aren't receiving any of her hints in a romantic context. Maybe she was going about it the wrong way? No, you're just unaware of her feelings towards you. No worries, she can just lay it on a bit thicker so it's within your grasp. After that, how could her love for you still go unnoticed??

If you still manage to get past her flirting however unbothered, she'll probably start looking for outside causes. Could it be that you've got your mind elsewhere? Beast might actually begin to grow self-conscious because of the situation, wondering if you could be judging her for 'flaunting' or 'showing off' her body feature due to her costume. She might even start thinking about changing her main performance outfit.

She may also outright ask you about what you think of her choice of outfit or general body shape saying something along the lines of, "I'm only curious t' know what y' think." In the context that she believes you're thinking of another in a romantic sense however, Beast might get a little pushy with you making sure that you're out of the path of anyone who could be considered a threat.

Dagger

Dagger is literally a whole other story once he's fallen for you. He's very outgoing and honest, not to mention he'll literally serve you compliments on a silver platter for completing even the simplest of tasks. You wore something new today, did your hair differently, got new pair of shoes? He's dying to tell you how great you look, showering you with love and affection.

Is it even possible to stay oblivious to this boy's feelings? He's all over you all the time, craving your praise, attention, literally anything and everything he can get out of you. So how and why on earth would you not acknowledge his efforts to present his feelings for you? It definitely runs through his mind that you could genuinely not feel the same for him.

Honestly, try getting him off of you once he's realized you aren't giving him the attention he wants anymore. Dagger isn't the type to act desperate, but it can surely come off that way at times. He'll even outright bring up this form of, "neglect," you've been giving him. I hope that he doesn't suspect anything between you and another member of the circus, because he'll do anything in his power to keep them away from you.

Dagger often proposes that you both train together, help him out with his act, or even silly little things like eating at the same table together in order to draw you out of any situation involving someone he sees as undeserving of your attention, insisting that you come with. As persistent as he is, he does know his boundaries and won't take it too far, most of the time anyways.

Doll

Doll is an awfully touchy person, and she isn't afraid of showing it. When she's not all dressed up with the main cast, she'll be out and about following you around left and right. This girl could talk for hours without getting bored and proves it when she's with you by literally talking your ear off. Not that you really mind, especially when she's coming up with some new ways to compliment you. Calling you, "alluring," and "incredibly skillful."

She's also very expressive with you, not caring to hide much from you. You'll probably know about how she's a first-tier member long before the sharing secrets phase in a friendship. She also enjoys helping you in every way she can, teaching you tips, tricks, and everything she can about the circus since she's, "more experienced than y'!"

Eventually she comes around to flirting with you shamelessly so, trying to catch your interest. "Lookin' great t'day love," and trust me, it doesn't stop there. Coming around to your disregardful mindset started annoying her though. She'll probably go to Snake or one of the other members in hopes of figuring out what she's doing wrong. "How can't they not see 'm 'n love with 'em?"

If it ever comes to a point where she believes that you may be in love with someone else, she will literally drive herself crazy about it. "Why don't they love m' like that, 'm I doin' somethin' wrong?" She'll pull you along, adamant that you spend more time with her instead of someone who's unimportant. Doll's jealousy is laid out on display for you, and she isn't shy about it either.

Wendy

Spending time with you has become the highlight of her days, and she could go on and on about whatever is on her mind just relaxing and being with you. Wendy fawns over things like your choice in style, your makeup on that given day, honestly anything and everything that is noticeable about you. She's such a sweetheart, caring for you and making sure you've got everything you could ever need.

Wendy is the yandere who might not even realize that her feelings towards you are considered romantic at first, taking her heart's increased pace as simply enjoying time spent with you as her friend. Once she does come to this realization, she's lovestruck and infatuated with you like no other. Honestly her change in behavior would probably be considered a bit concerning by the other members.

If she actually starts flirting or making moves on you and you manage to overlook her signals, she'll automatically go into overthinking mode. It would go something along the lines of, "What 'f they don't find me attractive? D' they think 'f someone else 'ere 's prettier than me??" Peter would probably be the one to notice and calm her down.

In the ensuing days, she'd probably get after anyone who got a little too close to you for her liking. Her main focus would be regaining your full attention, which much to her appeal, would probably be easy given her outgoing nature as your close friend. You can take my word for it when I say this girl isn't letting you go so easily, practically dragging you along with her just for some attention.

Peter

Peter is a little ignorant when it comes to showing his love for you Trying to court you for him is like trying to survive falling into a volcano, it's seemingly impossible. Don't underestimate him though, he does try his hardest for you. If you ever need help with your act, he's there for you. Couldn't grab a bite to eat from the mess tent in time? He'll share with you, just keep your mouth shut about it or he might get embarrassed.

For a while, Peter might be in denial about this little crush of his. After that stage passes however, he goes right into, 'If anyone at all ever hurt them I would take them out with my own two hands.' Not to mention he just might follow you around like a lost puppy, seeking out your attention. Though he'll never say it aloud, he does enjoy your when your attention is completely focused on him and him alone.

Once he realizes that you aren't understanding his hints, - bypassing his love for you - he just gets straight up pissed. What is he doing wrong? Is it because of his condition that you might find him unattractive compared to other circus members?? Bless your soul, if you thought he was clingy before he's not letting go of you now, and anyone who tries to start up a conversation with you is rudely interrupted by a short blonde who isn't having it.

Peter will go off at anyone who tries to speak with you even if it's simply an everyday conversation, no romantic ideals involved. He won't make it seem like the reasoning behind the way he's treating the lower-tier members is his jealousy and possessiveness over you, but some like Wendy might notice him having more sudden outbursts. He'll go as far as physically hurting someone over a harmless compliment about you. In his eyes, he should be the only one telling you such things.

Jumbo

Jumbo's ways of attempting to court you seem the usual, showing off his strengths and starting small talk with you. He enjoys the simple things, like complimenting your skills whenever you do well during practice, or listening to how your day went. Whether you're feeling down in the dumps, or having a wonderful day, he's always there to listen and chat with you.

The silence or calming atmosphere will put him at ease while he simply basks in your presence, even being near or just seeing you after a long day at the circus is enough to put a smile of his face. He cares a lot for you and your well-being, and simply can't imagine a world without you anymore. He may become aware of his feeling much later than he should, and once he does he begins noticing the other things too.

Like how you simply turn your back when he's performing, of course you watch every now and then but you only pay attention to him as much as a good friend should. Jumbo probably starts realizing that you may not feel the same way for him as he does for you, which he simply takes notice of to try harder. Playing the harmonica for you, complimenting your tastes as often as he can, and so on.

Eventually he understands that his efforts are going completely unnoticed in any kind of romantic sense. Could it be someone else has you wrapped around their finger or are you simply oblivious to his methods of courting you? Jumbo definitely seems like a gentle giant, so he probably won't hurt anyone even if they are testing their limits with you. Just a menacing glare from him and they'll know to back off, and he'll only even go that far if they're getting awfully touchy.

Snake

Snake trying to court you is.. practically bound to go south. Well, from his view anyways. He just wants your love and attention, but he's much more closed off than most of the other members which makes it harder to get his feelings through to you. He may absent mindedly gravitate closer to you in public settings, but he still doesn't say very much to you in his own voice.

He prefers to let his snakes talk for him, not often speaking to anyone himself. However, for you, he'll start slowly trying to start small conversations even if they only last moments. Sometimes he even watches you from afar while you're busy training with your act. When you notice him, maybe even flash him that pretty smile of yours, his cheeks will get all flushed and he'll scurry away.

Snake is rather insecure about himself, so he automatically assumes the way you brush off his subtle attempts of flirting with you is because you couldn't be interested in him with his out of the ordinary looks. In addition to that, he's probably not all that offended or upset if you tend to shrug him off just taking it as if he's not good enough.

Although, the other members[especially Doll] may end up offended on his behalf when noticing he the efforts he's putting in for you. He's trying his hardest, isn't he? Snake may be hesitant to step in if the cause of your disinterest in him is the fault of another who's caught your eye. Given his timid nature, I highly doubt he'd go to the extent of acting upon your disinterest in any way besides simply trying even harder for you.

────────── ʚ♡ɞ ──────────

Masterlist

[dollcherray]

۶♡ৎ OBLIVION ˚﹕⋆⊹

۶ৎ Lambert/The lamb x ambivert cat reader with social anxiety ۶ৎ

♡ Notes : Cult mentions, death mentions, Lambert is head over heels for u, i really love this floofy friend shaped lamb, just a writing to feed y'all something until my summer break starts 😸🫶🏼 ill post some cotl in my other blog tomorrow (probably), i use they/them pronouns for the lamb, i did the social anxiety part based more on myself so im sorry if something's inaccurate.

ᶻz Type: Headcanons, romantic, fluff

✮⋆˙ Music: Dove (doll version)

۶ৎ I headcanon Lambert to be aroace, so, whenever they get a crush on someone, i think it would be a down hard crush, making them fall head over heels for the person.

۶ৎ They noticed your lack of talking since the first time they bumped into you, they expected for you to somewhat dramatically apologize to them like the other followers.

۶ৎ But you just stood there, silently, as you just made a little gesture with your head as if minimally apologizing to them before continuing your way, they couldn't help but feel a spark of curiosity light inside of them.

۶ৎ Lambert probably fell for you because of how you act, you were always quiet and somehow collected, of course your habit of trying to distance yourself from social interaction mildly worried them at first, but you looked okay with being alone so they didn't really bother you much.

۶ৎ you talked only when necessary, you never got into any fights, always did what you were told and were always the first to go to your tents when it was time to, sometimes even before that, they found your way to act very odd but somehow mature? they knew cats do have a strange nature but not a very silent one, more of a grumpy one (Ahem, Narinder) so you were one strange cat.

۶ৎ Lambert started to slowly attempt to form a relationship with you, it wasn't anything lousy or something like that, just quiet hangouts like drinking diverse drinks together, quiet walks around the cult's territory, Lambert babbling somethings about the cult not expecting you to answer, and things like that, they knew you weren't one to talk much so he started off slow to not scare you.

۶ৎ Lambert would be surprised if you start to open up one day to them, even if its just bit by bit, they will be over cloud 9, Lambert could appear calm in the outside but in the inside they were exploding in happiness that you started to trust them enough to try and be more outgoing with them.

۶ৎ After you started warming up to them, your hangouts would get more interactive and agitated, like dancing together in one of the cults celebrations and events, some late night gossip and stuff like that, Lambert would be more than happy to interact with you and hear more of your soothing voice.

۶ৎ Now when you started dating, Lambert had to stay more with you, because people would start be all over you since you are now partners with the cult leader, since you have social anxiety they know how overwhelmed you can get in crowded places, especially in a crowded place where all the attention is on you, so Lambert will make sure to be by your side in moments like these.

۶ৎ Lambert makes sure you are always comfortable whenever you are in a situation that requires social interaction and with large crowds, such as events, rituals and etc.

۶ৎ If you ever get too overwhelmed in a situation like this, Lambert will excuse you and them, immediately running off to find you an empty or at least a significantly less crowded place.

۶ৎ Would hold you in their arms until you feel better, reassuring you and comforting you the best they can, which might not be the best but hey, it's pretty decent.

۶ৎ They will 100% pet you, sorry not sorry.

۶ৎ Lambert likes petting between your ears and play with your tail sometimes, its like a fucking stim toy for him.

۶ৎ Lambert honestly thinks its cute how you can be very shy whenever theres a stranger near you and then suddenly switch to a very charismatic and happy person whenever your alone with them.

۶ৎ But it also worries Lambert, that can heavily prejudice you and your social life and they really don't want that for you, they just want what's best for you.

۶ৎ They would probably try to make you socialize more, of course, always talking to you about it before doing that, they would try to make you interact to others with them by your side and slowly starting to let you interact with others by yourself.

۶ৎ Would be so proud of you if you ever mention to them you got to make a new friend without feeling anxious and awkward.

۶ৎ They really love you<3

“I would praise you forever if i could. ♡”

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Your true colors - (5/7) Blue"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read a message for you from the color blue, the fifth of the 7 rainbow's colors. in this serie of readings about the rainbow's colors, I will try to channel about your true colors, so to help you look inside and see your most beautiful self, appreciate yourself more and hopefully provide some type of guidance if necessary. as cindy lauper would say: "your true colors are beautiful like a rainbow", so let's look at them and hear what they have to say to you and how they (you) can help you look at things in a more positive way.

blue is the color of intuition, inner peace, serenity, spiritual development, acceptance, truth, communication, expression, service, artistry, purpose (throat chakra)... in this reading, I'll try to analyze this side of your character.

you can find the other colors' readings in the pacs list in my pinned post

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3 - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

I hear "turmoil". And I think your intuition may be a bit clouded atm. You feel anxious or frustrated at times and may even lash out easily. Ofc it's not good to lash out on others: I think you may accumulate stuff inside until you cannot hold it anymore and you just randomly throw it all on someone that may even not have any fault or may only say a little "wrong" thing. It's a human coping mechanism and you're not doing it on purpose so try to forgive yourself: yes, this person may ofc feel hurt and not everyone may understand your situation or forgive you, especially if it happens more than once, but it's okay to lash out in general so to not keep stuff rotting inside and make it worse. To avoid such situations, you can try to find other outlets for this mental frustration, and use them before getting to that point: eg. moving your body or singing/shouting into the void, punching your pillow.... Maybe you were the one being lashed on in the past and you kinda learnt this habit or maybe you just feel lonely and not appreciated, or you are exhausted also by people and trying to keep up with them. Psychologically, we lash out on others cause it gives us a sense of control that we may lack, but we can change this anyway: we can unlearn stuff with patience, forgiveness and kindness (with yourself) and through repetitions. Learn to communicate more about your stress, your insecurities and fears, your blockages. If not with others, at least with yourself. You are brilliant and sweet but your mind may have troubles processing stuff when you're being overwhelmed by emotions or too many informations, so instead of going full beast mode (one of the 3 usual humans' reactions to this type of situations, dw), trying to focus on one thing at time could be of help. Move your body first, to liberate from the excess of energy and then, focus on journaling maybe (or doodling some specific patterns/coloring). I do feel that writing down your issues and feelings may help you give you a different perspective and also put everything in line and get clarity about what's going on. I do feel that sometimes you may be the one putting stress on yourself by overthinking situations, words and imagining (it's not your intuition talking here but your fears) what others may think of you or how they may perceive you. It's like always having a background noise in your mind and after a while, ofc you cannot deal with it anymore. It's like always feeling wrong and out of place. I'm very sorry about this, you don't deserve it at all and I hope you can shut this overthinking down by realizing your worth never depends on others' impressions of you. Your worth is already within you.

I think you may also hear what you've been told while growing up or by other people pretty often: what they told you when you did something "wrong" or how you were wasting your time if you only needed to relax, or anything of this kind. Honestly, your inner critic may have learned a lot from them and how they easily and even harshly judged you. There's some unlearning to do here, and it's a lot about how you communicate also with yourself not just with others. It's about being kinder, more compassionate and seeing things and your needs for what they are: human stuff. If you need to lay down, you're not wasting time: you're simply recharging. And helping yourself to work in a more efficient way the moment you'll feel replenished. You don't have to drag yourself to the final line, you're not going to win anything this way, not even the approval of those people (would it really matter anyway? Or be worth of all your energy and mental sanity?). Procrastination (and the frustration that may originate from it) happens not when you're lazy but when your body feels in a threat: no matter how many things are piling up in your life, you cannot do any of those and feel guilty and shame yourself as you were in your past. But your body won't move: it's not lack of willpower it's just that your body blocked to conserve energies and survive. If you experience feeling exhausted (even after sleeping), lack of motivation, needing to lay down and even feeling detached from your body, it may be your body trying to protect you from danger, and it could be worth to try and listen to it and understand what is the danger it is perceiving; after this meditation/analysis period, try to walk or do some grounding/breathing exercise and set just easy tasks and complete them slowly to regain control of the situation. Also try to get back in touch with your physical body by touching/caressing and really feeling your movements: dancing (or yoga) is ideal, and you don't have to be a pro: just try and feel your whole body moving. Even the smallest part of it. Mind, body and soul need to come back at one. Don't hold it against you if you cannot do something, tell your mind to stop for a moment: try to follow your body's advice and act as a consequence. Acceptance (about the fact that you need to stop for a little or that you need to do something in a different way from the usual or treat yourself as any other human being -despite you may have lerned you're unworthy and useless) is indeed the key to unblock yourself at times and really move forward. You may also be able to connect better/again with your intuition after this. So yes, for every hars comment you feel telling yourself, try to add a kinder comment about anything you have done or you are. You're not just inherently bad as you were probably made believe and your mind is suggesting you by making every little negative thing look bigger than it is (normal minds' job: they need to protect you so they exaggerate everything to be sure you listen to them), nobody is.

song: you spin me round (like a record) | dead or alive

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pile 2

Dear pile 2, you seem melancholic or nostalgic. And as in the Green reading, you don't wanna share. I know it comes from your gentleness and deep empathy, but you're not being a burden tbh. I read a thing once and it said something like: "Do you like being of help to others and friends, right? It makes you feel good, right? If your answer is yes, then why you don't want your friends to feel good after helping you? Why you're not allowing them to feel joy after doing something good for you?". I think you're used to do things alone and it may be difficult for you to rely on others. To talk about your insecurities and fears, and dreams too... but if you don't share them, others may never know them. Not everyone is emotionally intellingent/intuitive as you. For some of you, there may be perfectionism issues and you may also project them on others which is blocking you from interacting on a deeper level. It's not you, nor them... and you can heal this. Your pile almost feels a mix of the other two piles tbh. And I cannot grasp it entirely... It feels as if you have decided on your own (even unconsciously, as if you were powerless or blind to see/consider anything else) that your present situation is what you're supposed to do and be, and if for some of you it is a good thing, for others (most of you) is just more like accepting a sad situation as in "I cannot change it, so I will do this anyway... it's my duty". It's like a sacrifice you're doing for others' good. And for as noble as it may seem and is your intention (behind it all), it's not going to do you any good nor make you happy... and you know it. Honestly, if you don't like this, if you don't want it, you can change it. You don't have to do anything for others, unless you actively want it. There's no such thing as being doomed to live in a certain way, unless... we fear the change. Unless we decide to willingly close off to what else is calling for us out of fear. Fear of making it, fear of not being good enough, fear of not deserving it, fear of being seen as "different" from how we're generally perceived and therefore judged, fear of not being liked, fear of ending up alone. Fear of the unknown, basically. Of not having control or of being certain of how it will go (while we know exactly where we are and how it is). But we cannot control everything in life... actually we can't control much, just ourself. And ofc we may need to make certain decisions out of need (money, eg.) but... it doesn't seem your situation (maybe just a few of you). I feel you may be used to downplaying yourself/needs and self sabotaging yourself. It's not your fault ofc, it's something you learned from your past (I am hearing gaslighting, and I'm so sorry), but your mind needs to unlearn that, or you won't be able to move away from there ever nor see your real self (ask for help/support if you cannot make it alone or it feels scary. Even ask to a friend or someone you trust... it's okay). You're probably very connected with the moon, maybe you talk with her or you're very deep and like to dig within yourself. Or it's a big part of your chart. Maybe you're a lone wolf, and maybe you even like that (or pretend to, as said). Or maybe it's your soul trying to tell you something or awake you to who you really are. Maybe some of you already know what I am talking about but cannot do anything anyway: I know, it's not easy to take action and change this mental pattern, it's more easy to tell yourself things like "It's not worth it, it'll never happen, it's not for me, what would it change, it doesn't matter, it's a useless effort...". But you can actually change everything you want to. You have such a power the moment you really put your whole self into that. And it matters. If it matters to you, then it's all worth it. Every little effort you take, even if you won't see results at first, it'll be worth it. And it'll take you where you want. At least, it'll show you your worth and deservance for something else, something (at least closer to what) you want.

I think the moon wants to guide you somewhere through your intuition, probably to your real self: you may have been fed lies for a lot, lies about yourself too, and you may have started telling yourself lies as well, to stay in the same place, to be in control (maybe where those who told you first wanted to keep you). Be more real with yourself. Talk with yourself and go deep within, have no fear of finding confirmation for what you already feel but are trying to push away out of that fear, finding excuses and telling yourself lies. Telling yourself "it's okay/better this way, it's fine, I'm good" when you're not. You're so amazing pile 2... don't push this away.

You know it's all for you, you know it. You are beautiful and deserve more. Trust yourself, in particular trust your heart and your guts. I do think that you should trust your emotions more instead of closing them off and analyze them through your mind's filter. Your mind can be biased by all that has learned from others (eg. people pleasing is good when it's not), from the past, but it's not about others and the past, it's about you now. You know that there's something off in this situation you're in and trying to accept, so don't close off to the chance that you can change it, that it can be different, and that you don't have to accept it unless you really (be objective) want it. No matter if someone will be upset by this decision: it's your life, and if they love you, they'll understand (if they don't love you... It's not your people, you don't need them in your life, they won't bring you any good -sorry to be harsh but... it's better to stay alone for a while than to be with people who only use and abuse you). You only have to be yourself in this life, and not someone you're not. And being you, exactly you, trust me, is great. You have such a big heart and open mind (use 'em for yourself too)! I think you believe you are at peace now but it's a fake peace, it's a peace that comes from tranquillity and not having to deal with fears or not having to make decisions on your own and take responsibility for them: some of you may leave decisions about your life in the hands of others, maybe your caregivers (but they may not really know you well cause you aren't... able to speak your truth with them? All out of fear again, of not being "able" to make good decisions for yourself when you totally are). Anyway this is not the real inner peace your soul may be looking for. I do think you're here for something more, something big too actually (whatever you may consider big), and you feel it too. You're not here to do something that others may like, but you're here to do something you like and some others may appreciate too or be thankful for. Maybe not everyone and that's fine, but you'll find your people. You're here to find your purpose, even if it'll take a lot of time and you'll have to try many different roads before getting there (or maybe bravely do just what your souls is asking you to do). And make mistakes or experience some failures (sometimes we fall while running, but we can get up and run again: we don't always get harshly hurt and have to interrupt -you will be able to decide when it's time to give up if necessary). You're not here to live the purpose of anyone else or to let anyone else tell you what's your purpose: that's only your own soul's call. Others cannot know it unless you unleash it freely. Talk with your mind, please. There's so much potential within you (also in arts I hear -I do feel for many the issue's about career/studies), there's so much willpower and joy... don't be blind to it all.

song: because of you | ne-yo (first lines in particular)

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pile 3

Your pile is the one of those who are trying and choosing calmness over the agitation of life and their mind -or should. You could be very spiritually gifted or just very in tune with your spiritual side or the 5d. You like to take time for you, to meditate, to ponder... or again, you should. You may get downloads from the 5d pretty often, even if you're not aware of them yet, or always.. or you may occasionally block them even unwillingly (maybe cause of fear of the unknown or of receiving the wrong info or of how others would see you or think of you if they knew; or maybe you lack trust or something -could be a religious trauma too). You may doubt about your connection with the 5d or your abilities if you are into divination of any type. And you may not trust your intuition that often even if I think it's pretty on point. You have reached (or are going to reach soon) some type of inner peace (and clarity that will come from it) and this will help you a lot for your future endeavours, even those related with spirituality. I also think you may have undergone a spiritual awakening of sort and probably are taking some time off to recover from it and all the ups and downs it brought in your energy and mind/life. You may also be artists or love arts (and honestly working on something artsy of your like could help you find calmness and clarity too and maybe get clearer downloads too). I do feel lot of peace in your energy, it feels like floating on water, reconnecting with the self... Maybe you're called to do this if you're not there yet, if you are still confused at least here and there. Take time for you, to immerse yourself in a peaceful environment (maybe even in a pool of water or the sea or in a tub) and just stay there for a while and feel the water clense your energy, your mind and your whole self (if you can/are able to, you can literally go underwater for a moment and enjoy the silence there). Take time to disconnect from the rest, from all that is just bothering you and your energy (energy vampires for some). Reconnect with your core and your intuition, meditate near/under water. Feel your heart beating, focus on it.

You may experience occasional blockages in your communication (also your daily one, not with the 5d as mentioned): you may not always remember the word for something or feel like your mind may go blank here and there (especially during Mercury rx). This could make you retreat from others at times and not feel confident enough to be seen/share stuff (fear of making mistakes and look "stupid"/feel unworthy: you're not that, my love. Not even if you are used to get talked over or interrupted or not listened to. Please start talking and sharing what you want, it's ALL important stuff -especially if related with spirituality-, even the weirdest things: they're part of you and so very important and cool. If someone doesn't listen, find someone else: it's not you the "problem" but who you talk with; also be your own trusted audience: it starts with you, with giving yourself the right attention and importance. And trust. I mean, you're amazing, don't fear to be seen). Yes, it could be also because of some type of inner turmoil/doubt/insecurity so again, try to find some balance, and reach that inner peace you so deeply need. It'll bring clarity also for what's ahead and for the decisions you may need to take soon (can't be clearer, sorry, but there's something ahead and you may get infos after meditating). I think you may be often distracted by something/keep yourself occupied and moving from a thing to another almost restlessly: it could be your mind trying to avoid thinking about something specific (maybe your insecurities' source: if you slowed down you would be obliged to analyze it, and... tbh probably you should do it now before moving forward in your life -reminder you don't have to do it alone anyway) or it could just be that you don't really know what to do and/or who you are, and are trying different things. It's not bad per se, it's good to experience different things actually as you may get a proper feedback on them and decide if you really like them or not, but maybe after a while of no result/feeling nothing, you should try and realize which is the thing that really calls you instead of losing time and energy around (trying to make everyone else happy): working so much in so many directions (or with so many people telling us what to do/asking for help), won't always bring us answers. Especially if we're giving ourself away to others or helping others first. Try to go slowly for a while, and be open to any message that may reach you at that time of meditation. It's okay to stop at times, to take a breath: you're not running out of time. Take care of yourself now, treat yourself to some time off and get comfortable with yourself and your own emotions as they may just trigger you or overwhelm you very easily sometimes. Clarity is really just around the corner, is really there, behind all the noises that you may get from the more external parts of your mind, the ones you pay the most attention to during your daily life, the ones that listen to others much more than to yourself and your needs. You just need to find some peace and calm, to be able to see beyond those noises, to dig between them and get your answers. To trust and listen to yourself only. You're a beautiful talented soul, you deserve more, especially from yourself. Dogs/horses may be omens for you or may bring messages if you dream about them (you can check on Google some meanings also according on colors/breeds), or maybe they're your Chinese horoscope signs.

song: hrs & hrs | muni long

[writingquestionsanswered]

I usually write in third person limited. I have a habit of writing about a character wondering about something. Examples: Character A wonders what that look was about. Character A wonders if Character B is thinking of them too.

In the moment it seems to fit but sometimes reads as juvenile especially when I find myself writing a sentence like this at least once per chapter or around every 2k words.

Is this a weak way of hinting at someone’s internal thoughts when they are unsure of something? A case of telling and not showing? Is there a better way to convey this?

Thank you for your time.

Conveying Emotions of Others in 1st/3rd-Limited

When writing in first-person or third-person limited, your POV character can't know what's going on inside other characters' heads. Having your character consider what others might be thinking is one way to prompt the reader about other character's thoughts, but it can definitely be a quagmire of "I/they wondered" and "seemed to say/seemed be thinking" type statements.

Having said that, there are two things you can do to limit an over-reliance on the wondering and "seeming to say/think" statements. The first is shift the focus to the internal knowledge and external cues the POV character is using to speculate in the first place. For example, if Character B makes a face, and POV character A wonders what it's about, that curiosity is based on three things: the face they made, observation of surrounding circumstances, and personal applicable knowledge. So, instead of having Character A observe B's expression and wonder why they made it, have them observe the expression and think about the circumstances and relevant applicable knowledge instead. So, we go from:

Character B's nose crumpled as they scowled, and Character A wondered why they made that face.

To:

Character B's nose crumpled as they scowled. They twisted the doorknob more forcefully this time, but it refused to open.

"Didn't the caretaker say it would be unlocked?" Character B asked.

"Yes," A returned with a withering look. "Obviously, it isn't."

Now, instead of having A wonder what B is thinking or internally speculate, we just show what's happening. They make a face, then more information comes in (the door won't open) so it's clear that's why they made the face in the first place. If B had any confusion on this point originally, it was because the caretaker had said the door would be unlocked--which they point out, rather than internally speculating--and this gives the reader the further information that the door is in fact locked. No wondering necessary.

The second option is to do the wondering without using that word or any other filter word. So, for example:

Character B's nose crumpled as they scowled, and Character A wondered why they made that face.

Becomes:

Character B's nose crumpled as they scowled. Were they angry? Frustrated? Character A wasn't sure, but it seemed like a good time to step up and offer assistance.

Or:

Character B's nose crumpled as they scowled. A wasn't sure if they were angry, frustrated, or just tired, but it seemed like a good time to step up and offer assistance.

I hope that helps!

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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[bscully]

Why Zagreus is such a good character

*Obligatory Hades spoiler ahead* Zagreus is so so so interesting from a meta perspective. While his design certainly went into the "attractive bad boy" direction, he is not your usual hyper-masculine protagonist.

Definitely not!

It starts off with his physique, which is not that of a tall, beefy body builder, but more of an ancient greek athlete. He is also shorter than most other Gods, of average size by mortal standards, and doesn��t take kindly to people making fun of his height. I find that a fascinating character design choice to make. From there, let's continue with his character.

His temperament is sanguine; he is a ray of sunshine and loves to share all the warmth that rests in his heart. Which is a fascinating trait to have as Prince of the Underworld, who is veiled in Darkness by Mother Night, Nyx, herself. The following Berserk quote comes to mind: "He who bears light exists in the deepest shadow".

(There is a big conceptual overlap between Hades and Berserk, but I’ll just leave it at that for this post)

Zagreus is a sociable, extroverted type who values family and bonds over everything, is respectful, polite, charming. From someone like him, genuine kindness and honesty are a guarantee. Together with his capacity to empathize, it allows him to form meaningful relationships. His noble spirit and attitude are befitting of a prince. He does not mind stepping out of his comfort zone and challenge himself, either.

When you first beat Hades, he asks Zagreus to tell Persephone that Cerberus is doing well. Zagreus instead demanded an answer for a question in exchange of telling her. However, this question was left unanswered as Hades was taken by the Styx before he could reply. Later on, because Zagreus is a good-natured person and knows his priorities, picking his mother’s needs over the grudge he could hold against his father, he tells Persephone anyways.

There are moments in the game where he is sensitive, observant and catches up on social cues very quickly. He listens to others and apologizes to them when he feels like he may have overstepped a boundary, such was the case when Thanatos berated him for allowing Orpheus visiting his muse Eurodyce and meddled into their affairs without their consent.

Sometimes he appears to have troubles expressing what he feels, or is perhaps insecure or anxious to express it (particularly when interacting with Meg, who is rather intimidating). But despite his hesitations and fears I think he is still doing a good job at it.

Judging from a brief conversation with Alecto, he appears to know how to form healthy habits and deal with difficult situations in a productive, nurturing manner (the fact that 1. Alecto doesn’t take kindly to his attempts at getting along and 2. Zag doesn’t like her for it, is kinda funny to me). He is capable to mediate and settle conflicts between people, this is literally one of the game's primary goals.

Judging by what happened between him and Megaera, it appears he also wasn't always this mature and went a long way learning from his mistakes. His sometimes boastful confidence and his running mouth probably were one of them. Regardless, I'm deeply impressed with Zagreus' emotional intelligence and maturity.

Considering how so many other protagonists typically are characterized, this such an unusual way to write a male one, and as such he really stands out.

I believe it is absolutely necessary that protagonists like him exist and we honestly do need more like him: as these shine a different light on nurturing masculinity and what it can be.

Zagreus is not less of a man because of the radiant and kind person he is. Quite the opposite so, I personally find him extremely attractive (he’s doing things to me oml). He is just being himself: unfiltered, optimistic, with a good sense of humor. He is not even trying to fulfill any gender roles in any shape or form, simply embracing the bonds he has for what they are, living the moment. He does whatever it takes to make the world around him a better place and make the people around him happier. And he started doing that once he stopped running away from his problems.

This reassurance is something boys and men (including those who identify as such) urgently need nowadays.

PS: I’m still not over the fact he canonically likes plushies, the lil dork

[modelbus]

YOOOO MODDLEE

yeah I did it again.

(Help I have a problem of disappearing into thin air)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PART THREE OF CUT CHAOS SHEBSJNSUH

you said you would write 500 chapters.. but like obviously exaggerating..? (Kiddinggg)

tho a few more couldn’t hurt..

juuuust saying if you ever feel like it I will eventually see it and it will eventually make my week. <3333

BUT THATS NOT WHY WE ARE HERE! (I’m sorry my requests are always so long and dramatic bro I just brain like that)

Actual request:

ok so like I knowww cut chaos started from rumours but like rumours are an easy way to start plot lines k? (Also I use she pronouns out of habit but they is pog too)

the friends in question: Tommyinnit (duh), Wilbur (moosic boi), Ranboo (generation loss trauma guy), Possibly Slimecicle?? I know he’s not someone you do requests for normally buttt if you’re okay with it that would be POG, or if slime is a no, tubbo!

SO a few months ago Y/N started working on an SMP with some minimal custom mods, some fancy texture packs, maybe some data packs, and its like this BIGGG project, BUT its not public and its taking a lot of her time, so she can only really do a few streams and most of the time because her schedule is so full its hard to work out streams with friends so, she is alone. with the internet being the internet people started to think something was up, some annoyed viewers made a few rumours and people kept making things up and escalating things until people were saying she did all sorts of horrible things to “lose all her friends” but one of the most popular theories was that she was emotionally abusing them (??? Internet wildin ig) she ignored them while mostly finishing the stuff for the smp, but decided to address it in a very- y/n way. Getting four friends to come to her house and hide slightly off camera while she made a purposefully bad apology video only for them to jump out at the end and her to stand up and be like “YALL REALLY THOUGHT I WAS SOME MASTER MANIPULATOR?! I’M JUST A FUNKY LITTLE CHAOTIC MINECRAFT GOBLIN N’ I’VE BEEN WORKING ON AN SMP THIS WHOLE TIME!! ITS GONNA BE SUPER COOL AND THESE FOUR PLUS ALOOOOT MORE PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE THERE I’M POSTING THE CREATORS SOON AND ITS LAUNCHING IN A MONTH!, SO STOP ASSUMING I’M A BAD PERSON AND GET PUMPED BITCHES!” something along those lines, maybe at the end a little peek at what people are responding with. (Obviously no pressure, but like id be cool) (thanks for considering deity of the busses and models.)

HOW WE LIKING THE SILLIES?!?

P.S I’m not always an angst gremlin (just most of the time..) - ✨🌌🌙 Annon

I DO BE LIKING THE SILLIES (and thank you for elevating me to the level of deity, my ego has been inflated)

Pairing: Cc! Wilbur, Tommy, Ranboo, Charlie Slimecicle x Gn!Reader (platonic)

Roaring Rumors

Life was all about sacrifices.

Or, that’s what you keep telling yourself when you’re up at 1AM working on your server. Putting together an SMP is harder than it sounds; texture packs, data packs, comparability, world-building, even the (seemingly) simply act of contacting people to play on it. For the amount of time you spent on your computer, your hands might as well be part of your keyboard.

Sleep wasn’t the only thing you sacrificed. Streaming, even just fun ones with your friends, had quickly became rare. Although you loved to hop on a call while coding still, your online presence had severely receded.

You just keep telling yourself that sacrifices are necessary. That the payoff would be worth it.

And it really would be, but you just had to get there first. Which was proving harder than you had thought.

At the very least, you still had your friends. Wilbur sitting silently on call with you while you work, Tommy dragging you out of your room, Ranboo always willing to get excited over your progress. Every day you woke up with a text from your groupchat—typically Charlie—just filling you in on the latest internet trend by a meme.

Today, your news comes from Wilbur and Tommy.

“I think they’re canceling you.” Wilbur says casually while you’re in the midst of detailing the hunger bar for a texture pack.

“Ooh, you’re a wrong’un!” Tommy yells in the background of Wilbur’s side of the call.

The three of you had been idly chatting while each doing your own thing. Wilbur and Tommy were engaged in some Twitter competition, as far as you know.

“Canceling me for what?” You ask, deciding to ignore Tommy’s shouting.

“Existing, I think.” Wilbur answers.

“So the normal.”

“The normal.”

Although the conversation stops there, you can’t help yourself. Later, during one of the few hours you dedicate to getting sleep to stay alive, you pull open Twitter on your phone. Your last tweet was nearly two weeks ago, so it’s been a minute.

But you just want to make sure nothing horrible happened while you were busy. You’re a content creator, this is normal. Definitely. You definitely aren’t just justifying this so you can do it.

You swipe through tweets, heading to trending and searching your name. Tweets load, making your mouth run dry. Wilbur wasn’t joking.

All you can do is scroll, reading as the messages get wilder and wilder. From people saying they were missing you to theories on why nobody was streaming you. Each one seemed considerably more implausible, and before you know it you’re glaring at your screen like it’s to fault.

Some thought you had grown apart.

Some thought you had a falling out.

And, apparently, a lot thought you were emotionally abusing them. Or, depending on the tweet, manipulating them.

Quite honestly, you didn’t even know how they got the idea. The long threads of explanations did nothing but send you into a spiral, biting your bottom lip so hard that it bleeds.

You were so close to finishing the SMP. It needed just a few things, then you'd be able to start scheduling to get it up and running. You didn't have the time nor mental capacity to deal with whatever the fuck is going on right now.

Is it a good choice? Maybe not. But do you still ignore the accusations? Hell yes.

-

By the time you get even closer to finishing the preparations for your SMP, you've come up with the perfect plan to address the (quite stupid) rumors. It'll be a two-in-one; you address the rumors and announce the SMP at the same time.

"How long do I have to lay on this floor?" Tommy asks, stretched out behind your chair.

"Nobody asked you to lay on the floor." Wilbur points out, standing next to your computer. Charlie, on the other side, laughs.

"Yeah man, you wanted to be down there."

"Besides, I'm doing great down here!" Ranboo chimes in.

You roll your eyes, grinning. "I'm about to start stream, so it won't be for much longer. Just wait for my cue, yeah?"

Tommy grumbles, but shuts up. You take that as your chance to start the stream, switching it off your waiting screen and waving to the camera. Your chosen stream title has brought in a bit more than your usual casual steam view number, "Talking about some serious stuff," leading people to believe there will be drama. And if it's drama they want, it's drama you'll give.

"Hello, hello!" You smile, leaning back. "So I've decided to talk about some things. Namely, the Twitter shit. I am so sorry for everything, and I mean that. A lot. Sincerely. There's meaning in it."

Tommy snorts, and from the corner of your eye you catch Wilbur kick him to shut him up.

"What am I sorry about?" You ask rhetorically, acting like you read it off of chat. "Oh, you know. People have been saying all types of stuff. The things about me manipulating my friends?" There's a pause while you let that sink in. "So, I'm sorry."

It's a purposefully shitty apology, but you sigh and act like its heartfelt for a few moments, nodding towards chat. Their messages are mostly confused, especially because it isn't one emote-only.

"Sorry you guys are so gullible!" You shout, and Tommy practically tackles you.

Wilbur's the one to fix your chair, Ranboo and Charlie appearing next to you within moments.

"You guys really thought this one could manipulate me? The master?" Charlie asks the stream, pointing at you.

"Yeah!" Tommy shouts, way too energetic for someone who complained five minutes ago about being on the floor. "We're the master manipulators! Get fooled!"

"I, for one, haven't manipulated anyone-" Ranboo starts, but Tommy slaps a hand over his mouth and nods empathetically.

"Yeah, I don't know what you guys were thinking, but I've just been playing fucking Minecraft for the past few months nonstop." You laugh.

"Nonstop. It's a problem." Wilbur nods.

"It is not a problem!" Pause. "Anyways, I made an SMP! And that's where I've been! Not because I've been manipulating my friends or some shit, stop being dumbasses."

"It'll be super cool!" Ranboo adds in helpfully.

"These four-"

"That's us!" Charlie points around at himself, Wilbur, Tommy, and Ranboo.

"-will be on it, plus a lot more. It'll be posting those people soon! As in, check your Twitter obsessively guys! The SMP will be in about a month, too, so get fucking excited! I want to see some hype!"

"WOO!" Tommy screams, making everyone cringe at having their eardrums ruptured.

"So that's all I wanted to talk about I think. Anything to add, guys?" You glance around at the four surrounding you with a grin.

"One thing." Charlie nods, leaning in really close. "I have a secret. This SMP, it's actually-" He hits your end stream button mid-sentence. "And that's how you keep 'em interested."

-

Ycgmaenthusist NEW SMP NEW SMP NEW SMP NEW SMP

Mammalianeighingreflecenthusiest We are dumb as fuck aren’t we

Poabsenthusiest i will RIOT IN THE STREETS if any of yall be mean to MY STREAMER -> Cmwylenthusist FR I GOT TWO FISTS AND A CAUSE

[eyewol]

Mari's relationship with the Ivory household

I planned for it be generalized as a whole, but I feel like it'd be more fun if I gave them separate perspectives of one another. The post is long... again; I get a bit passionate with writing sometimes. Do enjoy reading though.

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➷ Mari and Randal ♛ | 3% and 73%

➷ Mari hates Randal. She despises him. That 3% is just generosity speaking. (Imagine escaping to be free, only to be trapped in someone's house and becoming their pet)

➷ She'd rather be far away from him. Being around non-humans scares her, fearing that she'd be cannibalized one day.

➷ Whenever he's around, she goes into this little act and pretends to be chill with it but when it gets tiring, she'd wander off or hide into a small space where she could fit and get out without problem.

♛ He knows she hates him. How could he not when people at his school does too, and I believe that—back then—there was at least a few good souls that tried to give him a chance but ended up all the same. He recognizes that act anywhere.

♛ He sees it as some sort of game, to see how far until she breaks or explodes out of anger. It's fun for him to see her hold back. Humans are interesting, aren't they?

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➷ Mari and Sebastian ☆ | 54% and 55%

➷ Sebastian is alright in her books, though  she'd sometimes question if he really is human after finding out that he's been there for months before she arrived.

➷ She commends him for being able to eat most of the questionable stuff that Randal gives them, claiming it to be "food" (She would rather eat paper than that disgusting abomination. Even the slop from the slaughterhouse would've been more appetizing)

☆ He's relieved that there's another human in the house, but not so close with her. Kinda wished that they were but she's always distant.

☆ Kinda creeped out when he found her staring at the wall for who knows how long, or that time when he witnessed her being able to tell whose footsteps belong to who.

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➷ Mari and Luther ♚ | 23% and 64%

➷ Out of all of the members she hates, Luther is highest on the somewhat tolerable list. Her only problem with him is that he's unpredictable and unreadable.

➷ His uncanny appearance really bothers her but so far, he has not done anything too bad to make her really hate him.

➷ He reminds her of one of the employees in the slaughterhouse that she used to be in, which subconsciously made her behave more out of habit.

♚ Quite a lovely pet, don't you think? A stray from the outside, brought in by his brother. How nice! She doesn't seem to be troublesome, unlike someone (Sebastian).

♚ She does seem to hide and wander a lot, he would have to assign one of his catmen to keep an eye on her in case she gets lost or get trapped somewhere around the house.

♚ A welcomed addition to the family since she knows how to clean things up without the need to be told; he notices that she's not a fan of spills.

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➷ Mari and Nyen ♠︎ | 10% and 16%

➷ The feeling is mutual; doesn't really like him all that much.

➷ Really hates his crude behavior, especially when he gave her that whole hierarchy spiel, just like when Sebastian first arrived in the house.

➷ She could feel his stare, his footsteps are near. It irritates her that he's keeping an eye on her. She feels like he knows what she's up to.

♠︎ Nyen is suspicious of Mari. A quiet human who wanders off to who knows where, and the fact that his master told him to keep an eye on her is telling him something.

♠︎ Tolerates her enough but could care less, similar to how he tolerates Nyon.

♠︎ She doesn't bother him, nor does he bother her as well. They'd talk sometimes but only if it's necessary; very short conversations.

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➷ Mari and Nyon ◆ | 40% and 45%

➷ She sometimes forgets that he exists. He's so quiet, but that's a good thing for her.

➷ Mari doesn't see him much as a threat, but if he does, the hammer hidden inside one of her costume's leg would do the trick.

➷ Doesn't like the smell of weed on him tho, reminds her so much of the stuff that they'd give to the other humans in the slaughterhouse before they are dragged and never to return again.

◆ He doesn't have a lot of opinions on her other than that she likes to roam around and would catch her staring into space.

◆ They'd sometimes just sit in silence together and watch whatever is being played on the tv. 

◆ His master told him to keep an eye on her when he can: stop her from eating paper, wandering off to dangerous sections of the house, to hiding in such cramped spaces. He's kind of worried.

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➷ Mari and Nana 𓆗 | 1% and 2%

➷ She hates that snake to her core, she almost lost her life to that woman while trying to be familiar with the layout of the house.

➷ She had never felt so much dread and fear in her life. Adrenaline rushed to her head because the next thing she knew, she's still alive but bruised, hammer in her hand and running until her legs burn.

𓆗 She ruined her beautiful face! How dare that clown ruin her perfect complexion!

𓆗 Nana couldn't believe that human had the gall and audacity to aim at her face and bruise it. When she gets her, she won't let anyone stop her from eating that clown.

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➷ Mari and Kitty Carpet 𓃠 | 86% and 52%

➷ Why does she have her face? How is she here? Wasn't she supposed to be dead?

➷ Upon first sight, Mari was in great denial before she eventually came around and got attached without even knowing it despite her efforts not to.

➷ During her walks around the house, she'd always keep an out for a certain orange cat and find comfort from her.

𓃠 Doesn't really know who she is or why she visits her a lot, but the company is welcomed nonetheless.

𓃠 Kitty likes their interactions, would come over to her whenever she recognizes that white and grey black-spotted outfit anywhere.

𓃠 She doesn't mind getting pampered, it's nice to be petted.

[sisterspooky1013]

Gaslight: You Send Me

Rated X | Read it here on AO3

Note: when I started writing this story, I knew that Scully was going to have a memory of Mulder that would come to her in a dream, tipping her off to the fact that there was someone important she knew before her accident but couldn’t remember. I needed to be able to “see” this dream/memory, so it’s the first thing I wrote. I figure I may as well post it, so here is that memory you’ve seen glimpses of in full.

Scully plunges her hands back under the hot, soapy water and sighs. Her belly is full of good food and good wine, her heart full of hope and the promise of something exciting and new. She runs a scrub brush around the perimeter of a pan and then lifts it out to rinse it with fresh water before setting it on the drying rack beside the sink.

She smiles to herself at the adolescent buzz in her bones, the expectant tightening in her stomach. She’d forgotten how it feels in the beginning: sickly sweet and terrifying, the best kind of fear. From that first tentative kiss it’s only gotten better with each passing day, and she’s found herself almost embarrassed by the way her belly tumbles when he catches her eye across his desk and holds it for just a beat longer than necessary.

Even the invitation for this evening, dinner at his apartment, felt loaded and thrilling. They’ve kissed dozens of times, made out until her chin burned from his stubble, and, most recently, his hand found its way under her shirt. Not since she was sixteen and still a virgin has a boy feeling her up over her bra been so incredibly arousing that she touched herself later just thinking about it. But it’s not a boy, it’s a man. Mulder. Her Mulder. Her partner, now something more.

He’s in the living room fighting with the CD player. The selection of decidedly romantic albums he’d pre-loaded into the eight-disc changer had been abruptly interrupted by the Beastie Boys during their meal, making him blush and her laugh, and he is now presumably ensuring that they don’t suffer any such interruption during whatever he has planned for the rest of the evening.

She feels a rush of heat to her pelvis at the thought.

She’s ready. More than ready, beyond ready. She’s wanted him for so long, she can’t quite decide if this feels more like an ending or a beginning. Perhaps that’s not his intention for the night at all—he seems to be set on taking things slow. But seven years is slow enough, in her mind, and if he doesn’t make the move to activities beyond necking like teenagers, she will.

She hears the CD player click and whir, and the slow wail of soul music floats into the kitchen.

Darling you send me. I know you send me. Darling you send me, honest you do.

She sways her hips gently to the music, running her hands over the bottom of the sink to find forks and knives. She doesn’t hear Mulder enter the kitchen, but suddenly he is standing right behind her, his hands resting on her hips. Her heart leaps, and she forces herself to lean into him rather than stiffen and pull away. Seven years of habits die hard. He moves with her, threading his arms around her waist. His body feels warm and firm against her back, solid as a rock. He is her rock, her safe place, her one reliable thing in a world that’s always changing before her very eyes.

Mulder removes his arms from her waist and wraps his hands around her forearms, sliding them down and under the water until his fingers are interlaced with hers. She lets go of the butter knife she’d been scrubbing and he lifts their joined hands out of the water, crossing both their arms around the front of her body as he walks them two steps back into the middle of the kitchen. Dishwater runs down her elbows, but it somehow feels romantic rather than obnoxious.

Letting go of one of her hands, he twirls her around to face him, then pulls her body flush to his. His free hand finds her waist, and hers his shoulder, and they begin a slow dance. She glances up at him, feeling both charmed and foolish, and sees him smiling down at her with that familiar impish one-sided quirk on his mouth. Her heart swells and she looks away, resting her cheek on his chest. She closes her eyes and breathes him in: the orange-vanilla musk of his deodorant, the warmth of his skin through his T-shirt. His heart pounds urgently against her ear and she smiles, relieved to know that he is also at least a little bit nervous.

He presses his lips to the crown of her head and then holds them there, singing along to the music as his voice vibrates in his chest and his breath tickles her scalp.

At first I thought it was infatuation, but ooooo it’s lasted so long. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home.

A flash flood of every emotion shocks through her veins, heightening her senses. Fear, excitement, arousal, love. Of course she loves him, and she hopes he knows even though she’s never been brave enough to tell him. She hopes he can feel it, as intuitive as he is.

He drops her hand, touching her chin with his still-damp index finger until she looks up at him. His pupils are bottomless pits, his mouth slightly parted. This way he’s been looking at her, not bothering to hide his wanting, is as potent as a drug. She rises up, using posture and tiptoes to bring her mouth close enough to kiss. And he does, again and again. Sucking at her lower lip, cupping her bottom eagerly in his palms, arching his pelvis into her so she can feel him stiffening.

They walk clumsily to his bedroom, kissing all the way. She tugs at the hem of his shirt until he removes it, then touches the button on his jeans. He hums, deep and throaty, and she suddenly becomes aware of how wet she is. She can’t wait for him to discover her, to see just how much she wants this. She pulls off her own shirt, unclasps her bra, and his mouth is wrapped around her nipple by the time her bare back hits his bedsheets.

He takes off her pants, looking up at her as he tugs them off her hips, and she can feel her own heartbeat between her legs. His thorough inspection of her panties with his eyes, and then his hands, and then his lips, is agonizing and perfect. He’s so deliberate, so thorough, as he is with all things. She can’t bring herself to rush him, as much as she wants to, but when he drags her panties down her legs, bunching up the damp fabric in his hand and licking his lips as his eyes rake over her vulva, she sits up and reaches for him.

“I want you,” she confesses shyly, feeling his abdominal muscles twitch against her fingers as she pops the button on his jeans.

There is a flash of regret on his face, but it’s short lived—there will be time for that later. She pushes her hand under his boxers and squeezes him firmly, enamored with the way his entire body slackens in response.

He stands at the foot of the bed, she sitting on the edge with her open legs bracketing his, and pushes his jeans and boxers down to his knees. She leers at him, openly gawks as she runs her comparatively tiny hand over the thick length of him, and then looks up with a coy smile. He laughs nervously, running his fingers through her hair and cradling the base of her skull in his palm.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says reverently, and now it is she who laughs.

“Right this second?” she asks, flashing her eyes to his stiff cock hovering inches below her chin.

“Always,” he says with a sigh. “Though I will admit that I’m partial to this view, yes.”

She blinks languidly, considering taking him in her mouth, but that wouldn’t be entirely fair.

“Lie down,” she directs him instead, and he does.

She drapes her body over his, their bare skin hot and electric as she wriggles up until his shaft is nestled in the valley of her thighs. She rocks her hips gently forward and back as he cranes his neck up to kiss her, humming and sighing. She’s so wet, and they’re so ready, he finds his way inside her without the use of their hands. She pauses to acclimate to the sweet, stinging stretch of him, taking minutes to kiss between each added inch until she sits fully impaled in his lap.

Mulder sits up, cradling her face in his hands and kissing her firmly, urgently, as her hips begin to flex.

“Fuck, Scully. I love you,” he groans, and she feels herself rise up to meet him.

“Mulder,” she whimpers against his mouth, a plea and a proclamation and a confession all at once.

She kisses him back, just as urgently, just as firmly. Her lips feel swollen and bruised, and her fingers dig into his neck as her hips snap, grinding her clit against him on each thrust. It’s frenzied, but still somehow feels so romantic she could cry. Because he loves her, and she wants this so, so much, and she never thought it was possible for them.

“I’m gonna come,” she whispers, and he places one of his hands on the bed for stability as she unravels around him, their open mouths held against one another.

He gasps and arches up into her, and she can feel him, hot and forceful. They continue to rock against one another until the height of intensity has passed, and then Mulder slowly reclines back onto the bed, taking her with him.

She rests her cheek on his sweat damp chest, her heart rate slowing steadily. She notices the music again, the same song that must be playing on repeat.

You thrill me. I know you, you, you thrill me. You thrill me, honest you do. At first I thought it was infatuation, but oooo it’s lasted so long. Now I find myself wanting to marry you and take you home.

She lifts her head, propping her chin on his sternum, and finds him looking at her. He smiles at her and she smiles back, then crawls up his body until he slips out of her. She kisses him once, twice, three times, then tucks her face into the crook of his neck.

“I love you too,” she says softly, her heart hammering again.

She feels his smile widen by the way his cheek presses into her nose. His hands rub wide circles on her back, and a wash of contentment overcomes her.

You send me. I know you send me. You send me, honest you do.

Tagging @today-in-fic