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niallismymuse · 5 years

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Chapter 4

A/N: Hey guys, I don’t typically do these, but I thought it was necessary since this chapter includes excessive alcohol use. Please do not drink like that in real life. Enjoy this chapter! It’s one of my favorites!

Lyrica whooped and wandered over to the TV on the coffee table, where she had set up her Bluetooth speakers. “I’ve taken the liberty of creating a special playlist for our very enjoyable New Years Eve party.” She informed everyone as they came back out to the living room. She hit play on her phone, and something with heavy bass immediately started thumping. “Let’s send off 2018 with a bang, people!”

Everyone cheered, Tessa included.

Tessa grabbed Niall by his hand and led him towards the liquor table. “Choose whatever you like, sir.” She said formally and chose a bottle of tequila to pour a drink for herself. She grabbed some lemonade from the fridge and mixed herself a drink as expertly as she could. “Want me to make anything for you?”

He shook his head and plucked a bottle of Stella Artois from the fridge, opening it with a twist of his hand. “I’ll take you up on that offer later, Tess. I didn’t know you were our own personal bartender.” Niall shook his head, looking half-amazed, half-amused. There was a quirk to his eyebrow that she took personal offense to – he looked toogood, cocky even. “I learn more about you every day.”

“I worked at a bar my senior year in college, actually.” She took a long sip from her drink, felt it burn all the way down. “You learn a lot in that sort of environment, including how to best be drunk. Now, come on. Let’s dance.”

Tessa made to drag him out into the living room, where the music was its loudest and Lyrica and Jess were already dancing together. Melody looked like she was about to start moving at any second, and Ryan…well, he was drinking, but sitting, which was quite normal for him.

Niall dug his heels in. “Woah woah, Tess, I’m not drunk enough for this.” He laughed, waving her off. “I’ll sit with Ryan and watch for now.”

She pouted, but he looked like he wouldn’t be swayed, so she nodded and went over to Melody. Together, they drank and danced and laughed, and the rest of the night passed in much the same way. They got more drinks together and, sure, maybe when Tessa was sure Niall was watching her, she moved her hips with just a little more va-va-voom. And, maybe, just maybe, she thought (or hoped), he was enjoying it.

When a particular song came on, one that made her heart pump harder and her blood sing through her veins, she let out a cheer of excitement. “Yesssss! Melody, get your ass over here!” Melody ran right back over, double fisting shots. She passed one over to Tessa, who downed it in one quick second.

And then she started to really move, backing her ass up right on Melody, who laughed in pure, drunken delight. Melody grabbed her by the waist, and Tessa crouched a little bit and began to twerk, laughing the whole time. She thought she heard a choking sound, and when she glanced over, it was Niall, coughing and sputtering on his beer, wide eyes locked on her.

She stuck her tongue out at him playfully and continued to dance, giggling and giving the beat everything that she had. She danced and danced and danced, eventually leaping away from Melody and slinking over to the drink table, downing yet another shot.

And so, the night passed, until Niall eventually joined her on what was supposed to be a dance floor but was really just a plain wooden floor with a rug thrown over it. The song was slow, and her mind was foggy, and she was just swaying from side to side in place. Ryan was passed out on one of the armchairs, Melody had managed to crawl into bed, and Jess and Lyrica were murmuring quietly to each other on the couch.

She felt a light tap on her shoulder, so she spun on her heel, but the action was too much for her body to handle. She stumbled and nearly fell flat on her face, but Niall caught her and pulled her flush to his chest.

Her cheeks flared red. They were face-to-face; she could feel his breath fanning against her cheek, see the blown-out pupils of his eyes mere centimeters from hers.

“Hi,” she choked out, her voice breathy.

“Hi. It’s, uh…past midnight. Happy New Year’s.” He replied, paused, and then straightened her up, taking a step back. Tessa mourned the loss of his body against hers, but he didn’t go far, and he kept his arm around her back. He was so warm. She blinked rapidly, looking at him.

“Happy New Year’s, Niall.”

He bit down on his lip, eyes flickering with hers. “I, uh…didn’t know you could…dance like that I can’t really dance…at all.”

Not for the first time today, Niall blushed, and looked down at the ground. It was cute.

“Aw, yeah, I can. But this isn’t the song to show you. C’mere,” she slurred, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Niall froze, body hard and unyielding against hers, but then he melted right into it and slid his hand down to her waist. He placed his other one on her other side, and she smiled at him gently. “Now, we sway.”

So, they did. It was sweet, and slow, and even when the song changed to something of a much higher tempo, they continued to the same rhythm, swaying and slowly moving around in a circle. Tessa rested her head on his shoulder, and after a moment, she felt his head lean against hers.

And she felt complete.

Seconds or hours or minutes later, someone coughed, and her eyes shot open. She glanced around, only to see Jess standing by the hallway on the right. She was staring, lips pressed into a thin line. “I would go to sleep, if I were you.” Then she turned around sharply on her heel and walked into her bedroom without a backwards glance.

Tessa sighed and pulled away from Niall, who didn’t seem to have noticed anything. She patted his back, even as she stood unsteadily herself. “It’s time for bed, tiger.”

He nodded, hardly opening his eyes, and she found herself smiling as she watched him, ruddy-cheeked and swaying like he was still dancing with her.

Tessa laughed softly to herself and led him down their hallway. She opened the door to his room and helped him into bed. The room was empty, since Ryan was snoring out on the couch, and Niall didn’t complain as she tucked him in. Once she was sure he was fine, she waved at him and sauntered off to her own room, not even trying to walk straight as she did.

Melody was already asleep on her side of the bed – they were sharing a queen-sized bed – and Tessa didn’t bother to change her clothes, she just climbed into bed and promptly passed the fuck out.

✩✩✩

Tessa woke up at noon with a pounding headache and a parched throat. She groaned, long and loud, and did all of the typical things she normally did in this scenario: foreswore drinking, promised to never go near tequila again, and then stumbled into the bathroom to clean her garbage-truck of a mouth.

Of course, those weren’t all truths. In fact, none of them were. Tessa could, in fact, recall having a good time last night. It was fuzzy, but she could remember dancing with Niall, too. The memory made her smile stupidly, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth and everything.

Since the bathroom was connected to her and Melody’s bedroom, she wasn’t afraid of being interrupted. She took a shower, let it restart her brain, and then got dressed. When she walked out to the living room, the only one who wasn’t there was Jess. She didn’t mind that.

Everyone else was seated, looking miserable and hungover, Niall included.

She sat down next to him. “Good morning,” she rasped, wincing at the scratchiness in her voice. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Happy New Year’s.”

Niall smiled, bloodshot eyes meeting hers. “Happy New Year’s, Tess.” He responded, voice soft and low as if he was trying not to wake anyone up.

Tessa took a quick glance around the room. No one was sleeping.

The other occupants grumbled a ‘Happy New Year’s’, and then they all sat there in regret, but with the expectation of doing the same thing that evening.

After sitting in silence for a few minutes and allowing the pounding in her head to ease (but not go fully away, of course), Tessa stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “Who wants breakfast?” she called out, and heads snapped up from their morose suffering. “I’m making eggs and bacon.”

“Tessa, you’re the best,” Lyrica half-smiled, shooting her a thumbs up. “Thanks, doll.”

She made a face at Lyr and strolled into the kitchen, methodically taking the eggs, butter and bacon out of the refrigerator. Something thumped behind her, and she turned to see Niall swearing to himself as he clutched his forehead. An open cabinet door swung inches from his head.

Tessa tried not to laugh. “Did you, uh…hit yourself in the head with the door?”

He glared at her, grumpy. “Yes, I did. Do you have anything to say about it?”

She pressed her lips together, eyes sparkling with mischief, and merely shook her head. She reached back into the fridge and pulled out a water bottle, handing it over to Niall. He looked down at it in his hand, puzzled, like he had never seen a water bottle before. She rolled her eyes playfully. “Drink it. You’ll feel better.”

Niall dipped his chin and screwed off the top, beginning to guzzle the water down. She started to fry bacon. They were quiet, just the sounds of the bacon sizzling emanating between them, when she decided to poke some more fun at him. “I thought you were Irish. Don’t you know how to handle your hangovers?”

She could feel his glower on her back and tried not to giggle. “I haven’t gotten drunk like I did last night in a long time. Even the other night when we went out, that was nowhere near as bad as last night was.”

Tessa flipped the bacon over, staring down at the frying pan instead of looking over at him like she wanted to. “Do you remember much of last night?” she asked curiously, but not overeagerly. She wanted to know if he remembered dancing with her or holding her close.

The silence stretched on for a few moments, something palpable stretching between them.

“Yes,” he answered quietly, finally, and Tessa turned to face him, a genuine smile on her lips. She moved closer to him, standing until she was almost chest-to-chest with him. Niall’s lips parted, and she tilted her head to the side. Did he want her to kiss him?

It seemed like it. He was scarcely breathing, eyes locked on hers before flicking down to look for just a nanosecond at her lips. It was hardly perceptible, but she noticed it.

Ah, she thought. So, this is the next part of our song and dance.

Tessa leaned closer, her hand coming up as if to caress his cheek. Niall’s eyes closed, and then she reached past him into the cupboard and grabbed a plate, before pulling back entirely and turning towards the bacon. She set the plate down hard enough for Niall to hear, and she grinned as she looked back at him, watching him blink hard and fast.

“Jesus, Tess. You’re gonna kill me, woman.”

Tessa reached for his mostly empty water bottle and drained it. She set it back down on the counter and smiled wickedly. “That’s the plan, Niall.”

✩✩✩

After everyone ate breakfast (including Jess, who mysteriously appeared once the food was finished cooking), no one made any moves to doanything but lounge about.

Tessa, who spent a lot of her time sitting while working, longed to do something. And when she looked out the windows, she saw a sprinkling of snow beginning to drift down from the sky.

She gasped. “Look! It’s snowing!”

She got up from her seat on the arm chair and ignored the petulant look Jess gave her, probably because Tessa was too loud for her poor aching head to handle, and went over to the window. Indeed, white tufts were settling on the wood porch, and they melted almost immediately.

Tessa hadn’t seen a lot of snow in her life. She was from Southern California, after all. She turned a beseeching look at her friends, pouting almost. “Anyone want to go play in the snow with me?”

Everyone said no, except for Niall, who was already steadily looking at her, hands folded neatly in his lap. “I’ll go out with you, Tess,” he said quickly, and stood up from the couch. “Let me just get my jacket.”

Niall disappeared down the hallway to his room, and Tessa stood there with another stupid smile on her face that was way to visible to everyone else. She wiped it off her face quickly and proceeded to open the front door up. A chilled wind swept inside, making her yelp. It was cold, but oh so refreshing.

Before anyone could complain about the door being open – and Ryan looked like he was about to – she stepped outside and shut it behind her. She was clad in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, which wasn’t warm exactly, but not exposing her to the elements either.

Tessa turned her head up towards the sky, and closed her eyes, letting the flakes settle on to her skin for a biting-cold second before melting to tiny specks of water on her face.

Snow wasn’t something she had much experience with. She lived in Southern California for all of her life, and while she had gone on vacations in the snow, she still appreciated it. Tessa imagined she wouldn’t enjoy it as much if she lived in it; but right now, with a faint dusting drifting down from the sky, she couldn’t imagine complaining.

The front door opened and closed behind her, and she turned to face Niall. He was wearing a snug hoodie, a nice royal blue that brought out of his eyes. But, strewn across his own arm was another jacket. She looked down at it and then raised her eyes to meet his, lifting a single eyebrow.

“I thought you might get cold,” Niall explained, and then grinned cheekily as he lifted up the hoodie. It was from his merch – the hoodie was tan, with the On the Loose symbol over the heart. “But I didn’t want to rifle through your own things, so I brought you one of mine.”

“Oh,” Tessa breathed out, eyes wide. “Thank you.” She took it gently, almost reverently, from his hands and pulled it over, but then paused halfway through. Still with the hoodie halfway over her head, she murmured to Niall, “Actually, I should give this back and go grab my own. I’ll probably ruin it somehow.”

She started to pull it off, but Niall shook his head almost frantically. “No, no, Tess, ya don’t have to worry about that.” He paused, and she saw, peeking out of the hood, him wet his lips. “I want ya to wear it. Also, I don’t know how you would ruin it in the first place.”

Tessa blushed, and without argument she tugged it fully over herself. It was a little snug, but it worked well enough, and it did keep her warmer. When she breathed in, she could smell him – sandalwood, a little bit of citrus, and that unidentifiable scent that she always caught whenever he was around. She didn’t know what it was, just that she liked it.

“Well, thank you,” she mumbled quietly, cheeks still burning. She had thought she’d gotten the upper hand in this flirt-fest they were having, but it seemed that Niall had moves of his own.

Tessa lifted her face back up to the sky, letting the snow hit her cheeks. She stuck out her tongue, catching a few flakes.

Niall moved to stand beside her, facing out towards the driveway before he too looked up at the sky. “I take it that you don’t have much experience with snow.”

She shook her head. “Nope. I’ve always lived in Southern California, but I’ve seen snow on vacations during the winter a couple times.”

Peeking out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Niall’s nose crinkled up. It was adorable.

“I’m not a huge fan of the cold, to be honest.” He stated, shoving his hands inside his jeans. “But this isn’t that bad. A little bit of snow won’t kill me.”

Tessa snorted. “You sound like an old man,” she pointed out, letting out a laugh.

Niall chuckled alongside of her. “I am one.”

They smiled at each other, and when the eye contact lasted a little longer than what was socially acceptable, Tessa glanced away. She was used to being the one to flirt a little – or a lot – but Niall really seemed to have stepped up his game since coming out here, and she had no idea what to do about it. It was like being away from the city and all of the expectations being there forced on him had freed him.

She was on untouched ground with him now, and Tessa knew that soon they would be approaching a line that couldn’t be uncrossed. She didn’t know what to expect on the other side of it.

So, she did what she did best: distracted herself.

“Come on,” Tessa murmured, carefully stepping down the stairs of the deck, “let’s go explore.”

Niall followed willingly, his footsteps crunching on the brittle and dead grass beside her. The snow wasn’t sticking; it was too warm outside for that. But, still, as she walked, she watched as the little white flakes hit the ground before almost instantly disappearing. It was entertaining enough, and this way she could keep herself from looking at Niall.

Though she could tell that he kept looking at her. She could feel his gaze on her.

They followed a trail, side-by-side, when Niall finally sighed and stopped in his tracks. “Well, Tess, if your plan was the murder me out in the forest, this would be the place to do it.” His tone was teasing, and when she turned to look at him, there was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Tessa pouted, playing along. “Well, drat. You’ve figured me out. I was going to shove you into the river and drown you. I guess we should go back, then.”

Niall laughed, a full-on belly-laugh, and Tessa couldn’t help but join in, laughing along at how stupid that was. “You’re an idiot,” she said endearingly when she could catch her breath, lips still curling up at the edges.

“And I think you’re brilliant.”

Tessa’s head snapped up. “What did you say?” she asked, disbelief coloring her tone.

Niall shifted on his feet, looking away before looking back at her. Nervous. “I said that I think you’re brilliant. And I really do. You’re brilliant, and creative, and funny.” He bit down on his lip, scuffing his shoes along the path. “I just thought you should know that.”

Tessa’s lips were parted. God, this man was going to be the death of her. “Well, Niall Horan, I almost don’t even know what to say. But I think you’re brilliant too.”

His responding grin was so bright it could have easily lit up the entire forest. There was no reason for the sun to shine, so long as he was grinning like that. “Thank you, Tess.”

She could hardly breathe from the weight of his words. Did he like her too? It was seeming more and more like that was the case – he had been flirting with her, he brought her his own jacket, and now he was saying these nice things to her. She didn’t know what to do. And when she sucked in a breath, she caught his scent, coming right off this hoodie. Like she had stolen it to wear herself, just so she could keep the smell of him around.

Tessa’s head whirled. She could see Niall moving a little closer, and, oh God, was he going to kiss her? Out here in the middle of the woods? It was romantic, she’d give him that, but she was unprepared! Had she brushed her teeth well enough? What if he thought she tasted like hungover garbage? What if he kissed her and decided he didn’t like her after all? Oh god, oh god, oh god.

Rationally, she knew she was freaking out and overreacting, even as Niall moved ever so closer. They had been practically nose-to-nose last night. But that didn’t stop her from reaching out and jabbing him in the chest. “Tag, you’re it!” she screeched, and took off down the path.

It was a poor and desperate move, true, but it was the one she chose, nonetheless.

She heard Niall swear softly behind her, over the footfalls of her own feet, and she winced sympathetically.

Yes, I agree, Tessa thought as she kept running,why did I do this?

But after a moment, Niall raced after her.

They played tag for a little while, racing through the trees and along the path. And despite the fact that she had ruined whatever it was that he had been attempting to do, Niall played along. They had to stop once his knee began to hurt, and all of a sudden, they noticed it was darker outside than it had been when they came out. The sun had set.

With the promise of ibuprofen (for Niall) and wine (for Tessa), they set out back towards the cabin. The tension she had thought would occur was nonexistent – Tessa noticed that while they walked side-by-side, their hands brushed. Niall didn’t move further away, and neither did she.

She was good with this game of ‘almost’ that they were playing. Because once it wasn’t ‘almost’, it would be something. And that something could be good or bad – together or heartbreak. One of those options she could deal with, and the other she didn’t know how to comprehend, so ‘almost’ was a good place to be right now.

As Tessa marched up the front steps, she could hear music thumping dully inside. Their friends had gotten started without them. When she opened the door, she was greeted by the sound of laughter. Everyone was gathered in the living room, and Melody and Ryan were standing rightnext to each other.

Tessa, forgetting about Niall for a moment, made a beeline for Melody. She grabbed her by the hand and led her to a separate corner, while Niall tossed her an amused look and went to get himself a drink.

“You and Ryan were standing awfully close together,” Tessa pointed out, giving her friend a nudge with her elbow.

Melody blushed and giggled. “Well…while you were gone, Lyr and Jess took a nap, and Ryan and I…we, uh…went to bed.”

Tessa gasped. “Went to bed? Melody! No one even saysit like that!” She started laughing, bending closer to her friend, who was giggling right along with her. “So, you fucked.”

Melody paused, her cheeks a bright red, then nodded her head. “Yeah, we did.”

Tessa squealed, squeezing her friend’s hands. “It’s about time!” She knew Melody had had a crush on Ryan for forever, and they had been the sort of ‘will-they-won’t-they’ couple for about a year and a half. It had been driving Melody absolutely nuts. But this – well, it was progress, that was for sure.

“We’ll see where things go from here.” Melody smiled and lifted her drink to her lips.

She patted her on the shoulder. “I’m going to go change. This jacket is too hot inside.”

Still reeling with that new information, Tessa started towards the hallway that went to her room. God, did they fuck in the bed shewas sleeping in? Nose wrinkling at the thought, she jumped when she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She pivoted, only to find Niall standing in front of her, two drinks in his hand.

“I brought you wine.” He smiled at her, and she smiled so hard that her cheeks hurt.

“Thank you,” she replied demurely and gently accepted the glass he offered. “I’m just going to change my clothes. I’ll give you your hoodie back…thanks for letting me wear it.”

Niall took a swig of his beer before smiling softly at her. “Anything for you, Tess.” They stood there for a moment, eyes locked. But then Lyrica’s sharp laughter coming from the living room made her jump in surprise, and the moment broke. “I’m going to go change too.”

Tessa nodded quickly, cheeks warm for the umpteenth time, and then strode quickly into her room, the door shutting with a click behind her. She took a moment to breathe (and sip her wine, of course) – there was so muchgoing on, with her and Niall and this new development with Ryan and Melody, it was a little overwhelming.

After just standing there and feeling everything for a moment, Tessa calmly pulled Niall’s hoodie off and folded it on the bed. She changed out of her long-sleeve shirt and pulled on a tank top instead. It was too hot inside this cabin for sleeves, what with the alcohol and the body heat emanating off of everyone. She braided her hair back and stepped back outside of her room with the hoodie and empty wine glass clasped to her chest, just in time to meet Niall emerging from his own room.

She glimpsed, past his shoulder, the sight of rumpled sheets on the far bed from the door. She giggled quietly at Niall’s face – he looked a little puzzled, like he knew what had gone on but couldn’t understand it anyway.

“It smells like…something…in there…” he confided quietly, and Tessa had to smother her laughter against her hand, tears burning at the corners of her eyes.

“Something happened in there, Ni,” she told him, giggling despite trying to hold it back.

Niall shook his head mutely and chuckled. “Good for them, I guess.”

“Indeed. Here,” Tessa passed over his hoodie, felt their fingers briefly touch. God, every movement, every brush of their fingers, she felt it and she most likely overthought it. Niall probably didn’t even notice.

He smiled his thanks and ducked back inside the room to put it away, and Tessa started down the hallway to the living room. It wasn’t a very long hallway, but right before she became visible, she heard Jess talking, loudly.

“I mean, did you see the way she was looking at him this whole day, not even to mention last night?!” There was a scoff, followed by a pause, probably to take a sip of her drink. “She’s using him for fame. I’m sure of it.”

“Jess, you’re drunk.” That was Lyrica, her voice hushed.

Tessa could hear her heartbeat thudding in her ears, uncomfortably loud and hard. The blood was rushing to her face, not out of embarrassment, but anger and hurt.

“Please. Have you seen her numbers lately? They’ve skyrocketed, ever since she was spotted out with Niall at the pub.”

Tessa pivoted on her heel and crashed right into Niall’s chest. She looked up and froze. It was clear by the pale, drawn look on his face, that he had heard just about every word that she had. There was this awful deadness in his eyes, and Tessa felt the food she had made for breakfast churn in her stomach. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything, so she stepped past him and marched into her bedroom. She started throwing clothes into her duffel bag.

“Tess-“Niall started from behind her, but she cut him off, not even noticing that he had used his pet name for her.

“I’m going home.” She stated as calmly as she could, even as tears trailed down her cheeks. “I’ll Uber, Lyft, whatever, I don’t care.”

He sighed as she zipped up her bag. “I’ll drive ya home, Tess.” He said quietly, and she shook her head, not even sure what she was refusing – his offer or Jess’ earlier words. Both. Refusing one, denying the other.

“No, no, that’s okay. You have a good time.” There was a terrible ache in her chest, one that made her want to collapse to her knees and cry for a good long time. How could Jess say those things? Jess knew her – knew her down to the darkest pit of her soul. Or at least she used to.

Niall walked up beside her and placed a comforting hand on her arm. “Tess, I don’t want to be here without you.” He told her gently, expression so serious that it made her want to cry even harder. He didn’t believe what Jess said…did he?

“Okay.” She sniffled, nodding her head quickly. “Okay. Thank you, Ni.”

The smile he gave her was tight. She took a deep breath in and then slung the duffel bag over her shoulder. She took a moment to gather herself, breathing deeply in and out. She didn’t want Jess to see her tears. She didn’t deserve to, not any longer.

Niall murmured that he was going to pack his things up, and Tessa nodded quietly. She watched him walk out, and then, as determined as she could, she strode out of her room and down the hallway. Confidently, like she hadn’t heard anything, like her sense of self hadn’t just been destroyed by petty words.

Everyone grew quiet the moment she stepped into the living room. They stared at her, no one attempting to explain away anything Jess said. It was clear by the duffel bag strewn across Tessa’s shoulder that she had heard.

She ignored them, ignored the anger she felt bubbling up inside of her gut. How could they not defend her, even though it was obvious she had heard what Jess had said?

Tessa looked at each and every one of them. Ryan, Melody, Lyrica, and even Jess. She looked them dead in the eyes, and every one of them looked away except for Jess, who was clearly drunk off of her ass. She was swaying, eyes narrowed in a squint, plastic blue solo cup clutched tightly in her hand.

She broke the eye contact first and sauntered over to the alcohol table. There, she set her duffel bag down, unzipped it, and started to load up the drinks she had brought here. And then some other bottles, because she deserved them.

No one protested.

By the time she was done pillaging, Niall was waiting by the door. Tessa walked over to him, and right before she walked out, she looked back at her supposed group of friends one last time.

“Fuck you.” Tessa spat out, directly at Jess, and then whirled around and stormed out of the cabin. Niall shut the door behind them, and together they loaded up in his car, and drove away from Big Sur Campground.

It was getting late already, and they had a five-hour car ride to get through. Even so, Tessa couldn’t bring herself to speak. She was so full of rage and sadness that she didn’t know how to. She felt every single one of Jess’ words hit her again and again, stinging like a thousand papercuts all over her body.

Eventually, she managed to look over at Niall. Her eyes were blurred by tears. All she could see was the darkened profile of him, the same thing she had seen next to her on the balcony at Lyrica and Jess’ moving-in party. He was staring steadily at the road ahead, but she knew that he knew she was watching him.

“I’m not using you, you know.” Tessa whispered into the dark space between them.

His knuckles flexed on the steering wheel. “I know, Tess. I can always tell when someone’s using me, and I have never once gotten that feeling from you. Not once.”

There were so many words that she could have spoken after that, but honestly, she was too tired and sad to even attempt them.

Tessa just dipped her chin in acknowledgement and looked back out the window as he drove on.

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unicornstakeoveragain · 5 years

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Highlights of runaways, s2

-All the deanoru, I lamp them so much, new OTP

-Chase and gert (sorry, don’t know their ship name, but hot damn)

-on that note, dale and Stacey’s interrogation of Chase was so funny, I loved how his voice pitched really high... “I love Gert so much”

- the quince, they were all so happy I was crying. Alex’s flossing as well

-deanoru 🌈

-nico and her purple eyes with the staff, and I’m so excited to see the implications of the staffs power

-nico coming out of the hole... hehehehe

-topher gave me feels, I felt really bad for Molly

-I don’t know how I feel about Alex, his first plan with AWOL was literally so stupid, it kinda but doesn’t really back up the idea that’s he’s the fourth host

-I didn’t see the whole Victor is Jonah twist coming, god I’m so stupid

-DEANORU

-Them discovering the hostel was such a cute moment aheyrhfhwuwhg

-Catherine wilder can go fuck herself, god she was stupid and annoying

-I was so frustrated with molly in the first season, but now she’s one of my favorite characters. She is consistently the moral compass of the team, is so supportive of everyone, but not afraid to call someone out when they’re being stupid

-I liked Xavin, she was pretty funny, but I’m nervous for how she will effect Deanoru

-I’d never thought I’d feel bad for Leslie, omg 😭

-fuck Frank

-Janet was so soft and pure, I hope she doesn’t get eaten

-the fights with the couples are so realistic, and refreshing that their fights were dispersed like in a real relationship, unlike having bliss for like 4 episodes then breaking them up

-“I CANNOT BE IMPROVED ON” I’m crying bye

-lyrica can step on me

-this whole cast can step on me

-FUCKING DEANORU 😭😭😭😭

There’s probably more, season 2 was like on drugs or something cause it was so good, and I got so much in my head right now, I’m on serious withdrawal. Probably gonna read the comics. I’m slightly emotionally stable, but I’m gonna cry now, thank you for reading

#runaways #karolina dean #nico minoru #chase stein #gert yorkes #molly hernandez #alex wilder #deanoru #janet stein #victor stein #catherine wilder #tina minoru #dale yorkes #chase x gert

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koltarmi · 5 years

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things i noticed/liked/thought while i was watching anastasia live ver 2.0

This past summer, I got the chance to go see Anastasia again and was lucky enough to see it with a whole new cast! At that point, Zach Adkins had become the principal Dmitry, Molly Rushing was Anya, Ken Krugman was Vlad, Max Von Essen was Vlad, Lily was Vicki Lewis, and the Dowager was Janet Dickson.

Details are below:

Act 1

Kelli Youngman did an extra twirl trailing behind the rest of the Romanov sisters

Dima sounds real pissed especially in the beginning of he song. He gave off a kind of old movie conman vibe with the attitude and accent in "A rumour"

Ken did some preening in "a rumour" when talking about hobnobbing with the Royals

Dmitry yells "WE'LL BE OUT.” in the attitude one would say, "BYE, WE OUT BITCHES”

My first crush ever was on the animated Dmitry solely because of that belt on "the biggest con in history" gave me chills every damn time. I was so pleased that Derek exceeded my expectations and I was always worried no one else could compare, but damn was I wrong because Zach did as equally well on that.

Instead of raising a chair in defence, Dimitry hides behind the couch he was lounging on.

Zach's Dimitry doesn't have the biting sarcasm of Derek's version, which is great. Who would want to watch the same performance after all? It's softer and he drawls his witty remarks which still have the same amount of sting as Derek's Dmitry who's remarks are quick and blunt.

Ken's Vlad does this over the top bow when he introduces himself to Anya.

Molly's version of Anya and Zach's version of Dimitry reminded me more of the dynamic between the two in the movie.

MOLLY'S VOICE WHEN SHE SINGS "In My Dreams” 😍😍😍😍

When Vlad teaches Anya how to walk properly, she sticks her arms and out and sort of bounces along which Vlad then mocks doing the flappy arm thing from “Paris Holds the Key”

Ken's Vlad adds a lilting tone to the end of some sentences giving them a touch of humour.

Anya's breakdown in “Learn to Do It” is not teary. In fact, it's the complete opposite. She is absolutely pissed off.

Vlad does a tsking sound when Dimitry tries to argue with Anya while she's angry.

When Dmitry steps on Anya's foot while they're dancing, Vlad looks so exasperated and says, “Just... just...just...” cue loud sigh.

When Anya kicks Dmitry's shin, a scolding voice.

The third time around he takes in a deep breath and counts in a higher pitched tone.

Dmitry looks so offended when Vlad says Russian was for common folks like him.

The Russian telephone that works line he chuckled for a long time before realizing oh fuck his boss didn't find that funny.

When Anya is brought in, MVE's Gleb doesn't use intimidation. He acts more like the good cop.

When he does realize who he's talking to. His demeanour changes and he stutters before dismissing the officers with a wave of his hand and a "eep" like noise (this is like the best I can describe it).

After he says it's the uniform and the office that make the bad impression, he proves it by plastering on a wide grin.

In the last refrain of “The Neva Flows”, Anya sings the refrain along with him playing the part of a loyal comrade who knows better now, except she stops when he sings, “The Tsar lies cold”.

The drunk guys aren't as excited when they tell that the Tsar is drinking his vodka in hell. Instead the sorta half mumble and sound tired.

Love the way James Peirce says, “Girrrrrrrrrlfriend” and how the group of them sway in a circle to look at Anya.

Molly chasing after those guys while screaming was adorable and hilarious.

In the beginning of “My Petersburg”, for the first few verses Zach sort of says-sings them, belts on the first “Petersburg” then goes in to full force singing into “I've bartered for a blanket/stolen for my bread”.

At the end of the first verse, he nods his head forward and tells Anya, “Come on.”

Zach growls the line “rough company” and holy shit i was shook.

Why did they cut Anya and Dimitry singing “You and I on the fly/just in time” I love it so much.

His response to Anya when she says that neither of them has a family is so earnest it hurts me. Derek's Dmitry says it hesitantly almost forgetting he's conned Anya into this, while Zach's Dimitry is softer and assures her that her family is waiting for her in Paris and I honestly don't which interpretation I like better because I love both of them.

The tone he uses when he tells Anya the object she's holding a music box is exactly the same when he tells her it's broken and that made the audience chuckle.

When Anya opens the music box, Dmitry throws his hands up, rolls his eyes in exasperation, and walks away when Anya opens up the music box on her first try. 'Of fucking course she got it open on her first try,’

When he asks her how she opened it, he sounds more curious than he does confused.

The seats we had this time were way closer to the projections on the wall and holy shit, they look even more magical up close that I wanted to touch them.

My sister teared up by the end of “Once Upon a December” because the song made her so sad and nostalgic at the same time.

Dmitry sounds so regretful when he tells Anya that they don't have enough to get out of Russia.

They drop a coin when Dmitry tries to give Anya back her money and for the rest of the scene and the next one, I kept worrying someone would slip on it.

When she talks about how stubborn Dmitry is she says the part about him being almost as stubborn like her in a somewhat bragging tone.

Molly's singing when during the little reprise of “In My Dreams” about the diamond is just absolutely gorgeous.

Man, Constantine Germancos and the rest of the ensemble singing “Stay, I Pray You” gives me chills everytime. Hearing it live is just so much more gut wrenching than the album. For the first stay, I pray you, he holds the word “stay” a little.longer and DAMN.

Anya rolls her eyes and gets up to walk around the train when Vlad says he loved the diamond studded watch more than Lily.

Lyrica Woodruff and Kristen Smith-Davies made a really an exaggerated motion of scooting over when Zach had one foot on the bench that got a chuckle out of a few people.

Anya slides off the top of the bench she's sitting on when the train comes to a sudden stop.

When the jump off the train the scene turns black, but for some reason this time the lighting from the two offices (Gleb's and his superior officer's, which was on stage right) made it bright enough that you could see Molly, Zach, and Ken hurry offstage

MVE's “Still” 👌🔥✔👌✔👌👌🔥✔🔥🔥🔥👌

When Vlad says that Anya will break his heart, he laughs it off. But when Vlad tells her how he'll never see her if she's accepted as the real Anastasia, the realization of his friend's warning hits him like a ton of bricks.

TBH, a little disappointed Dmitry didn't bound offstage like a young goat, he just ran.

Molly's smile is absolutely radiant when she finishes “Journey to the Past”.

Act 2

Vlad's shaggy beard is gone when they change into their fancy Paris clothes.

Zach is a much better dancer than Derek. The boy's talent lies in his voice not his coordination while Zach seems to be a better balance between vocal power and dance.

The look Anya and Dmitry shared as they circled each other was goddamn magnetic and when he offers a hand to dance and she gets twirled away by someone else the look on his face is so disappointed that it wrecked me.

Molly's “Crossing a Bridge” is so full of hope it makes me emotional. Her voice singing that song is so pure???!! Like that's the only way I feel describes it correctly.

I don't remember if Christy did this, but when Vlad announces he's going to try find Lily, Anya reaches up to neaten Vlad's bowtie in a good luck gesture of sorts.

Vicki Lewis' Lily is not as comedic as Caroline O'Connor's. She has much more serious and drier humour, which perfectly compliments Ken's Vlad.

The best way I can describe it is Vicki's Lily is basically a Vodka Aunt ™

This Count Leopold is less slimy more pompous.

MBP's Dowager is full of grieving and sadness while Janet's Dickson's is tired and bitter. Also the way she drags the word “Cleaveland” with disgust was pretty funny.

The way she sings “tell them/no more” she really puts emphasis on the “no more” which makes her sound so defeated.

At the entrance of the Neva Club, Lily says this to the doorman after greeting her a good evening: “The only good thing it means there's one day less.” She then laughs and says she's being Russian and with a deadpan expression and tone she looks out to the audience and says, “I love life.” which is such a big mood.

When everyone is passed out at the Neva Club during “Land of Yesterday”, Vicki's Lily is dancing and drinking from an empty vodka bottle without hands before she wakes them all up by belting a high note.

When Lily and Vlad go outside to talk and she acts cold to him, she very purposefully drops her handkerchief and Vlad rushes to pick it up.

During “The Countess and the Common Man” when Lily says she loved him, Vlad pauses for a few seconds looking for the right words to say before hesitantly replying, “You loved me,” which got a chuckle out of the audience.

The two really drew out the part where they're exhausted. Vlad was finding his pulse while Lily took a breath and stretched.

Ken and Vicki really went at it. Like she straight up was feeling up his butt.

The part where he belts “the Common Man”, Vicki wrapped herself around his leg which made them look like the cover of bodice-ripper harlequin novel.

MVE's reprise of “Land of Yesterday” The man has a voice like velvet.

When Dmitry rushes in to reassure Anya, he sounds so genuine and honest. It's clear he's head over heels in love with her and he's forgotten the whole thing is a con.

After Dmitry sings his part in “In a Crowd of Thousands” Anya scoots a little closer to him when he sits back down at the bed.

BOTH MOLLY AND ZACH'S VOICES IN THE SONG MY GOD, IT MADE THE AUDIENCE FELT LIKE THEY WERE INTRUDING ON A PRIVATE MOMENT.

So when Anya sings that young Dmitry was “not too clean”, Derek used to act jokingly offended but Zach's Dmitry is just so enraptured by Anya telling her side of the story he's just smiling at her the whole time like wow pro tip get yourself a zach's version in Dmitry who looks so lovingly at Molly's Anya cause that's true love.

That loving smile becomes a look of shock, confusion, and the slightest bit of hope when Anya goes, “And then he bowed.”

I LOVR THE WAY MOLLY SAYS, “You didn't have to. I remember.” It's not surprise or shock at the sudden memory. She says it like a fact. Water is wet, fire is hot, the sky is blue, and I remember the boy on the street who made me smile, it was you. It's been you all this time.

The rush towards each other, so utterly happy, but then Zach's Dimitry suddenly realizes what's he doing and freezes. He pulls away from Anya and that look on his voice is so similar to the look he had in PHTK when she gets spun away from him.

So I timed this as soon as they walked offstage, Zach had about 55 seconds to change while Molly had about 70 seconds to change.

Quartet of the Ballet, man. The lyrics are the same, but sung by different people who have different interpretations of the same characters is whole new damn experience.

Zach and Max's voices went really well together and I want a duet between them immediately.

In “Everything to Win”, Zach sings beautifully and then says "wHY PANIC NOW??” and resumes his lovely singing which got a chuckle out of the audience. Boi looked like he was gonna lose his goddamn mind.

When Anya comes out, he asks her in a hopeful voice, “What happened?” and her stoic facial expression turns into one of complete and utter betrayal and anger.

The confrontation between Maria and Dmitry is a totally different tone, because neither them holds back and basically yells in the other's face.

“I was hungry and desperate when I met you, but I wasn't dishonest. I hate you for that.” She says the last sentence so quietly you can almost miss it, but damn if that doesnt hurt I don't know what would because we've seen an annoyed, violent, and angry Anya. This quiet anger and betrayal is so much worse.

When they're back in the hotel and Anya is packing her things, she throws the doll Dmitry bought her and it falls to the ground. And when she's ripping Vlad a new one, she rips the medallion looking thingy from his suit and throws it on the ground.

Again, Janet's Maria is again tired and bitter and it really shows in the scene between her and Anya.

When Maria and Anya hug, Dmitry is in the background, the doll she threw away in his hand.

Just like in “Land of Yesterday”, Vicki's Lily belts a high note to silence the press in “The Press Conference”

The confrontation between Anya and Gleb is just so intense. He tries playing the good cop card again, when it's clear she won't fall for it, he becomes more clear with his threats.

I remember seeing video of Christy adding this move in The Neva Flows Reprise where she falls back into the chair and Molly does it as well, she backs up into the chair as if this conversation physically hurts her and pushes her back, defeated into the chair, head slumped.

When he demands one last time, who she is, we see the Anya we know and love return in full force. Her head and spine that was slumped straightens as she stares him down and walks toward right into his gun, proudly declaring that she is The Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevena Romanov.

And it seems her confidence and courage in her identity weakens Gleb's. His hand shakes as he points the gun at her chest. He tries to point it at her head, but that just weakens his resolve and he crumples into the ground, dropping his gun. (If I haven't made it clear, I fucking love MVE's interpretation of Gleb)

The whole conversation between the two after this is softer and filled with quiet understanding and regret. And they part as comrades both knowing the truth.

The way Zach's Dmitry says, "I don't want to be in love with someone I can't have," is so bitter like he believes that now that Anya is proven to be Anastasia he will never be worthy of her love, which he is 110% wrong.

Molly's Anya says the line about her first kiss with a prince like a fact.

When they kiss, Dmitry is shocked like his wildest dreams has come true before he realizes this is real and just gently kisses her back.

#anastasia the musical #molly rushing #zach adkins #max von essen #ken krugman #vicki lewis #janet dickson #anastasia broadway

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reiofsvnshine-blog · 5 years

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╰☆ lyrica okano, cisfem, she/her ┊ is that REI HARA from west end ? i hear they’re known as THE HAPLESS around town and they play a RECURRING CHARACTER on the show. they’ve been in show business for SEVENTEEN years, but they don’t look a day over TWENTY-TWO. tmz keeps saying they’re HEDONISTIC, while friends claim that they’re actually INDEPENDENT. i guess that makes sense given they’ve been feeling WEARY since the show blew up.

hello hello hello i’m echo & this is my daughter rei whomst i birthed myself .

i’m ... not gonna lie , i don’t have much for her yet but , we’ll get there .

so ;

she’s a child star with a tough stage mom , so she was thrown into the industry unwillingly .

after doing commercials for a few years , she got her big break at eight after landing a pretty solid role on a kids show .

that , of course , opened her up to bigger & better opportunities within the industry , even branching out to some roles in movies , though staying within the genre of kids & family-esque material . ( if your muse has kids or would’ve been young enough to have seen anything of the type like ... ten years ago ... she doesn’t really wanna hear how much you or your kid loved the movie . sorry not sorry ) .

spent a lot of her late teens & up until landing a role on west end doing mostly various voice over work for both video games & cartoons . it was sort of her attempt at breaking out of the industry & finding another path for herself whilst still having some form of income whilst she does so .

it was a pretty big eye opener at the fact she doesn’t have much going for her outside of this whole acting career .

growing up , she was always working so she didn’t really have the opportunity to explore different pathways & therefore has no idea what else she would want to be doing with her life so , as much as she’s not a fan , she’s sticking with the acting . she believes it’s all she has .

so as happy as she is that the show is taking off , she’s also not super into it . she’d rather be doing literally anything else but she also likes to eat & this pays for food so ! here she is ! she was kinda hoping it would be a big miss & she could just accept her fate & maybe go work in a grocery store or something , i don’t know .

personality wise though , she’s a good kid . she’s gone through her whole substance abuse era as a teen & she’s pretty much over it aside from smoking which ... unfortunately is still a vice . she’s working on it . also she no longer adds vodka to her morning coffee so ! yay for improvements !

as bad as it sounds , she’s a pretty solid believer in only befriending those in the industry . she thinks a lot of people are there solely for the perks that come with befriending those in the public eye & so outside of two friends she’s had since she was little , she doesn’t really give other people a shot & sticks to those who understand what it’s like . ( so come be her friend because holy moly she could use them ! )

i haven’t worked out what i want her character on the show to be like yet , but give me some time & i’ll get there lmao

uh ? i think that’s it ? i don’t know , i’ll add more when i think of more but ... i’d say it’s solid for now lmao . hmu or smash that heart button for plotting !

#action.intro #i dont know what im doing i havent done an oc in 700 years wow

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thesickpanda · 5 years

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Lyrica Withdrawal

When I was new to the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, I really had no idea how many of the specialists I was seeing also had no idea. I naïvely assumed they knew what was best for me and in desperation, took their advice and went on medications that proved disastrous for me.

The Background:

The first medication I was put on was Lyrica (pregabalin) at a dose of 150 mg morning and 75 mg at night. I initially did feel some relief. For around six months I felt like the edge had been taken off. A few months after that, I came off drug cold turkey with no withdrawal effects. However, I did notice a return to a very bad baseline of pain and so I went back on the drug. It was definitely doing some good.

Fast forward a few years later and I'm suffering from severe withdrawal effects of the anti-depressant I was also put on (Cymbalta). It takes me nearly a year to come off that drug. It gives me a taste of what’s in store for me when I try to come off the Lyrica...

After being on pregabalin for six years, I I start noticing some things. If I accidentally miss a dose, I get terribly agitated and feel nauseous and sweaty. The symptoms disappear around half an hour after I take Lyrica again. This worries me, but I have so many other fires to fight in my life, I shelve that fear for now.

By year 7, I no longer feel as if the drug is doing anything for my pain (I don’t think it has done much in many years, actually, as I have long-suspected I built up a tolerance to it).

Instead, I want to take medicinal cannabis. I figure it would be best to come off Lyrica before I try new medicine. I see my regular doctor at the beginning of 2018 and express my desire to come off the drug as well as my concerns about withdrawal. Like most doctors, she is ignorant of its effects and tells me there are no withdrawals from Lyrica and I should be fine. She tells me it works in the central nervous system so what could possibly go wrong? It's not like it's an SSRI or anything. She tells me to take 25 mg out of my dose each week. Like a fool, I trust her and do this.

And So It Begins:

Getting from 150mg to 100 mg doesn't seem to do me much harm. I'm therefore lulled into a false sense of security that everything is going okay. In February, however, I start having depressive episodes and low mood. I start feeling hopeless and angry and anxious all the time. I have vivid night terrors. What's so insidious about the drug is that all this snuck up on me. The depression fell perfectly rational considering I was upset about being in a state of constant pain. I was recovering from foot surgery and could not do much exercise ot get out much. It was also extremely hot and so I was unable to leave the house for several days at a time. This is enough to upset most people. However, I wasn't just a bit blue: I went from being somewhat disgruntled with the situation to feeling suicidal, experiencing sudden spikes of intense emotion. I began to self-harm, randomly smashing my own face with my first. The spikes are so dramatic they take me unaware. One moment I'm talking casually to my partner on the phone, the next I’m banging my head against the wall screaming my lungs out. It's nothing that he said, it's just a sudden feeling of utter despair and anguish. During this terrible episode, I phoned the suicide hotline, wanting someone to talk me out of using the kitchen knives to end it all. What's so frightening is that I seem so ready to do it, as well. I've always been one of those people terrified of my own mortality, so for me to suddenly want to die with such intensity seemed a little odd. Thank goodness that little rational voice in my head guided me to the suicide hotline. The episode passed and I was left feeling completely numb inside.

Later, I began to have hallucinations where I would see things warp and shift before my eyes. I lost time. I often felt dizzy and had intense derealisation that scared me so much. This went on for about two weeks before I realised it was the drug that was doing this. I told my doctor and she instructed me to stabilise the dose immediately. She was utterly surprised that I’d had a reaction and kept reiterating that Lyrica doesn't have withdrawal effects. (Seriously, she was like a broken record!). I told her to do what I had done: go online and Google it. There are people suing Pfizer because of these effects. There are people who have wound up in hospital after suicide attempts or after blackouts where they lost their minds. There are people who’re addicted to the drug, suffering terrible anxiety if they don't get it.

The Truth About Lyrica:

I understand Lyrica can help some people, and to those people I wish you well and hope it continues to support you. But my stand on Lyrica is that it’s a HECK of a dangerous drug. It hijacks your body's ability to make certain chemicals so that you gets physically dependent on it. Pfizer has not told doctors about the withdrawal effects and they have exaggerated its benefits for chronic pain, too. There was certainly no mention of it in the leaflets when I first obtained the drug. But only a casual Internet search reveals innumerable horror stories of thousands of individuals who went through weeks or months of horrific symptoms trying to get off this drug. And like me, they were told time and time again by doctors that they can't possibly be experiencing the very real, very frightening effects of withdrawal.

The smallest dose of Lyrica that I can buy is 25 mg. I sincerely believe this is deliberate. I feel that if Pfizer made smaller doses, it would make tapering off the drug easier. After my bad experience, I stabilised my Lyrica and was too afraid to come off it. They got one more year of money out of me. I now have to pay Pfizer for the privilege of not going insane. Thanks to this wicked setup, I am dependent on a drug I no longer want to take and which is no longer doing me any good.

Back to my Story:

As mentioned in a previous post, 2018 was a hard year for me for many reasons, and the withdrawals only made it worse. Still, one glimmer of hope remained. My cannabis prescriber, a wonderful doctor I had the pleasure of meeting in June of last year, told me that the liver enzyme that processes cannabis is not the same that breaks down Lyrica, meaning I could take the drugs together. It takes a few months of titration, but finally I find a dose of cannabis that helps me sleep solidly for the first time in many years. Up until this point, I would wake up a dozen or more times in the night and maybe get around 4 to 5 hours collectively. On cannabis, I have 4 to 6 hours of unbroken sleep, which is almost a novelty to me. Unfortunately, one day I stuff up my cannabis dose and accidentally and very unexpectedly get extremely high. I know this sounds funny to many people, and even I can see the funny side of it. However, the sensations were really intense and I vividly hallucinated. All of this was very triggering as it reminded me of the derealisation and panicked feelings that I would get on Lyrica, so my response to feeling high was panic. I was paranoid and anxious and agitated for hours. I really disliked the sensations and felt out of control and incredibly scared.

Lyrica and Cymbalta “Ruined Drugs” For Me:

I am a firm believer that if I had not had such terrible experiences with both Lyrica and Cymbalta, I could handle the stoning effects of cannabis. I also feel that if I had known what to expect from a cannabis high, I would also have been less terrified. All that being said, the experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I drop back my cannabis dose. Over time I work back up to .4ml and for no discernible reason, I get high again. This time it is worse. I'm not as high as it was the first time as I am on a slightly smaller dose, but in the confusion and brainfog that it gives me, I forget to take my Lyrica. Unlike the first time, I can't seem to sleep through the night. I have restless legs, hot flushes, nausea, bad dreams when I do dose and just a general sees sense of foreboding. The first time I got high I noticed that I had a pleasant afterglow in the morning. The second time, however, I felt really rough. It was then that I realised that I had forgotten to take my night dose of Lyrica and that what I had been experiencing was a fantastic combination of being stoned and going through withdrawals. Needless to say, this did not help my emotional relationship with cannabis.

And so for the rest of 2018 and into 2019 I have been experimenting with my dose of cannabis. I am now on a much lower dose than I'd like to be, but it still helps me get around four hours of sleep but it's not enough to get me high. I think I’d have the courage to go up again if only I weren’t facing a frightening upcoming battle.

The Present Day and the Challenge I Now Face:

A week ago, I forget to take my Lyrica again. I missed my night dose and while the cannabis got me to sleep, I soon woke up feeling extremely depressed and anxious and tearful. My partner is sleeping in the living room due to the extremely hot nights we've been having. I wake up and tell him what's I am feeling. He holds me and then gasps, exclaiming that I feel like I'm burning up. I have terrible restless legs and cannot get to sleep, even though a cuddle from him normally is enough to settle me. I tell him that perhaps I am coming down with a fever and I should take a Nurofen. I switch on the lights, see my transparent pill box still full of pills, and realise I'd forgotten to take my Lyrica. I take it with a mix of relief and anger and despite having a near panic attack for the next half hour, eventually its effects kick in and I start to feel less strange. As I lie awake in bed that night waiting for sleep to claim me, I fear I'm never going to be able to get off this drug. Even missing it by a few hours gives me bad withdrawals…

In the light of day the following day, my mind has changed. I am furious at being held hostage by this drug and I refuse to go through this any longer. I am determined to come off Lyrica this year.

My Plan To Come Off Lyrica:

While the (much better informed) online community recommends reducing the dose by 10% every four weeks, this would mean opening up each capsule and somehow parsing out the exact ratio of powder into a new, gelatin capsule. My partner meticulously did this with the Cymbalta, only it was much easier as Cymbalta has beads in it, not powder (all he had to do was count out one bead per new capsule). Lyrica is much more challenging. Last year, he bought expensive, laboratory-level scales to try to measure out the powder and make up the capsules. But it took him about an hour to make up three pills. I saw how gruelling it was for him and decided I didn’t want to do it that way, or at least not that year when so much shit was hitting the fan.

Today, I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to waste any more time on this nonsense. I feel brave enough to come off by a 25 mg drop, only this time I'm going to do it every two months. I'm going to give my body time to adjust to the new dose before I attempt it again.

Last weekend, my partner and I were like generals looking at a map. We stared at the wall planner for 2019 before we marked out long weekends in January, April, June, September, and December. Some of them have public holidays on either side of the weekend whilst others my partner is going to use his annual leave for. We intend for me to drop my dose this Friday morning and he will be home to help me with any of the withdrawals. At least this time, someone will be there to restrain me if I decide I want to kill myself.

We are very alone in this struggle. There are no rehabilitation centres for drugs like Lyrica in Sydney. Most GPs don't even know it has withdrawal effects. Instead, we have to rely on the Internet and a number of Lyrica Withdrawals Support communities on Facebook and forums to help us with this process. The only doctor who has agreed with me that Lyrica is a difficult and dangerous drug is my cannabis prescriber. It point blank called it an “evil drug”. She has told me that CBD oil has been known to help with the withdrawal effects and this is something I have seen mentioned over and over again in the support forums. Many people swear by it. So yesterday, we spent $830 on three bottles of (legal) Canadian CBD oil to help me get through this process. Of course, we will have to keep paying for the Lyrica for the rest of the year, but I intend to make this the last year Pfizer takes our money.

Bracing For Impact:

Tomorrow is the day I drop my morning dose from 75 mg to 50 mg. I don't know what to expect. I mean, I do know what to expect, but I'm not sure if this drop is going to be as severe as previous occasions. After all, I'm not going to drop again until April. Still, the past few nights I have had really bad anxiety. At night, I contort my body into rigid shapes, waking up after 4 hours (when the cannabis is wearing off) to find my whole body in absolutely disgusting pain. I know why my body is doing this, though. I'm extremely tense at the moment, and extremely worried.

But I have to do this. It is time for me to slay this dragon.

Conclusion:

I wanted to make this post so that others are aware of the dangerous withdrawal effects of this drug. I totally understand there are many spoonies for whom this drug has been a boon and I'm glad for you I don't mean in any way to shame people for taking Lyrica or for having a good experience on it. But I do feel like I need to make a public service announcement about its dangers. If I had been warned of these withdrawal effects I may have reconsidered taking it. If I had known what to expect when coming off the drug, I would have tapered much better. I just want others to know that this can be a treacherous drug and that your doctor may not be able to help you. Please be careful.

And also, wish me luck…

Further Reading:

Whole Lawsuits Against Lyrica/Cymbalta companies have sprung up to meet demand.

https://www.enjuris.com/pharmaceutical-liability/lyrica-cymbalta-lawsuits.html

https://www.drugwatcher.org/lyrica-cymbalta-lawsuit/

Read more about the withdrawal symptoms of Lyrica at the blog Mental Health Daily

Read this comment thread on the forums of Chronic Pain Australia to get an idea of the challenges faced by someone trying to come off this medication.

Truly terrifying video on YouTube of BBC’s “Drugs Map of Britain” doco chronicling the pregabalin addiction crisis in Belfast.

youtube

#Lyrica #Lyrica withdrawal #pregabalin #pregabalin withdrawal #drug withdrawls #prescription drug withdrawals #Cymbalta #drug dependency #Fibromyalgia #spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #ignorant doctors #Pfizer #mydoctoralmostkilledme

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rihstopher · 6 years

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Chrianna Short: Small World

Robyn playfully bobbed her head to the upbeat rap song as Melissa and Lyrica encouraged her antics. The three have been running around the streets of New York all night. Lyrica is someone Rihanna has known for years through mutual circles.

She recently reached out to the songtress to assist her with her upcoming album, though Anti was very successful she’s been recording new material. The black escalade came to a halt and all of the ladies made their way inside of the studio.

Robyn exhaled from the nostalgic feeling this place gave her. This is the place she recorded Disturbia and even the remixes to Birthday Cake and Turn Up The Music. New York was a place that flooded with memories of her ex. She hasn’t spoken to him in months and finds herself praying for his well being more than she likes.

“Rih Rih are you ready to hear the song?” Lyrica removes her from her thoughts.

“Yeah bitch I’m ready.”

Melissa sparks a blunt as the melodic vocals of Lyrica flood the speakers.

It’s so hard to get over you and all the things you do Wish I can rewind when your mines Do you want to start over Babe just me and you say you do

Rihanna signals for her to stop the track. She pulls from the extendo blunt before expressing her honest opinion.

“This shit is hot sis and I adore the Xscape sample. I think your voice may be a better fit though.”

“Bitch please you have the voice for it and when you are truly into a song you have the gift of making it come alive.”

“Lyrica where you at?” His country voice boomed loudly throughout the empty studio

“Bitch I told him what floor I was on, but I didn’t expect him to bring his jolly ass up here.” Lyrica whispered lowly before Chris made it to where they were posted.

He gave Lyrica a disapproving look before extending his arms out to hug her. She didn’t want them to think this was any type of set up or anything.

“What’s up Fenty?” His voice exuded so much confidence.

“Hey Brown Wa Gwan?”

He smirked at her thick accent coming to life. An awkward silence dominated the room for a few moments before Chris broke the ice.

“So what yall up here working on?”

“A song I wrote that I want Rih to lay down.”

“Damn girl you working on a new album already? I’m still playing Anti back to back?”

“Well you know I learned from the best?”

Lyrica and Melissa felt they were living in an alternate universe. The ex couple seem so calm to be around each other.

“Aye Robs would you like to come to my sessions? Theres a few bonus tracks I’m working on. I always liked your opinion.”

Rihanna hesitated before nodding her head in agreement. The duo walked to the elevator side by side in silence.

“You know Chris I really enjoyed your album. Its like I know how talented you are first hand but that was a bold move to releases so many songs at once.”

“Thanks pretty lady that means a lot coming from the princess of pop herself. Which is your favorite song?”

“I really like Lost And Found and Hope You Do.”

Chris snickers lowly to himself, of course she would pinpoint the records that are inspired by her.

The elevator bings alerting them that their stop has arrived. They exit the elevator and make a left before entering the studio. To Robyn’s surprise the room is empty with the exception of the engineer and figure that’s lounging on the sofa.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come back.” A jolly petite girl greets Chris. The same girl Rih has saw Chris hanging with frequently.

“Oh my gosh Rihanna I’m such a huge fan.”

“Isn’t everyone?” Rihanna rudely says

Christopher sways his head back and forth at the shift in her attitude.

“Agnez I’ll be with you in a second. I have to talk to Rihanna.” He waits for her to be out of earshot before he begins talking.

“Robyn please d-o.”

“Don’t Robyn me this is the bullshit you do to me? Really Chris? You haven't fucking grew up. You have me up here looking like a fool in front of your new bitch.”

“Have you lost your fucking marbles? I don’t have a girl.”

“This is why the fuck I do me instead of being stupid waiting around for you to get a fucking clue.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I can do what the fuck I please. You made it perfectly clear to everyone you were off me. Even if this was a girl I’m seeing it wouldn't be your business. You can go on fucking magic carpet rides with Aladdin but I always have to be good Chris wait until Robyn comes home. I’m a fucking man not a house dog.”

“You so fucking stupid and childish.”

“Im not about to waste my time arguing with your ass. It’s pointless. I’ll see you around.” “Chris are you fucking serious? You can walk away from me just like that?”

“I should be the one saying that shit you broke up with me remember or did you forget?”

“I just want to know when did you decide to walk away from me and stay fucking gone? I’ve told you to leave plenty of times.”

“Robyn just months ago we were building again and you were seeing someone else. It wasn't the fact that you were dating its the fact you lied. I had to find out from a fucking blog and I’ve been nothing but honest with you.”

“I’m just tired I’m just tired of it all. I guess I’ll see you around.”

Robyn exited the room feeling uneasy. She has been told many times this is unhealthy yet she can’t stay away. Now guilt is settling in and she feels foolish for assuming.

A few hours go by and Chris is still in the studio laying down tracks. He hates that Robyn can still take him there after so long. He is now in the company of himself with no one around. His phone chimes alerting him that he has a message.

From Robyn: Anti track: 11 is how I will always feel about you. I hate that I love you so much.

Christopher strolls his I tunes library before landing on Rihanna’s track-list.He hits play and one of his favorite tunes begins to play. He smiled widely as he begins to hum along to Love On The Brain

#chrianna short

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itbeajen · 7 years

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Filled with Awe and Sincerity | Ike (Fire Emblem) | Modern!AU

I went a bit too crazy and this one is like twice the length of the previous ones. OTL. @may-vin, @rena-lli, @xi-lyrica it’s DONE. now time to write part 4 bc I need more-

"Do you have to go tomorrow?" Mist whined as you drove her home. You glanced at her momentarily and sighed, "Yes, Mist. I can't refuse a request from the vet that helped me throughout my entire career before I opened my office you know." "But what are we going to do?" "Mist, you're a vet too." "Yeah, but I'm your assistant. At least bring me with you." "You'll be fine, you baby," you chuckled as she pouted. "Besides, Titania will be there if you guys need help." "Oh yeah, huh." "Yeah." You parked the car in your driveway and said, "Rest up, and sleep well." Mist playfully slaps your shoulder and shook her head fondly, "Whatever, mom." "Hey!" But she ignores your call and makes her way towards her house, only for a bedhead of blue hair to pop out the doorway. Ike waves to you, a small smile on his face, and you wave back. You sit inside your car until Mist goes inside the house, Ike lingers outside momentarily, watching you with an oddly confused expression on his face. You make your way out of your vehicle, and asked, "What?" He shrugged, "Making sure you get home safe." There's a playful tone in his voice and you roll your eyes at him, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever." You were tempted to stay and see if he'd actually wait until you walked into the house, but you didn't bother testing him. You knew how he was, and if Ike wanted to make sure you were safe, he would. A fond smile tugs at the corner of your lips as you made your way into the house. But it was a nice feeling, knowing that someone cared.

"You're. Late," you sighed as you got into the car. Rhys chuckled, "I'm not, you're just early." "No! Last night, you told me 8 am, it's like 8:30!" Rhys glanced over and he said, "Read my messages again, [F/N]." You reluctantly pulled out your phone, and Rhys watched out of the corner of his eyes as your ears were slightly tinged red and he chuckled, "So?" "I was wrong," you mumbled, but then with a soft sigh, you smiled, "But it's good to see you again, Rhys! It's been a while, hasn't it?" "It has," he responded, "How has work been after opening up your own office?" "Well, the first year or two was kind of dead since no one really wanted to go to a newly opened vet. But after a while, it got better. Of course, with Titania and Rolf being there, it really helped out a lot." "That's good to hear," he chuckled, and then asked, "Are you excited for today?" "Honestly? I'm kind of nervous. I've never worked with larger animals before," your voice drifted off into a murmur as your thoughts momentarily flickered over to a certain bluenette, but you shook your head and laughed, "It'll be a nice experience though!" "Don't worry, you'll be working with the calmer large animals." "Define calm," you immediately asked. Rhys can basically sense the anxiety in your tone and he chuckled, "Something like pandas." "PANDAS?!" your gaze was focused solely on him and his smile widens, "Yes, although they also have a petting zoo. Since you're basically our back up vet, I think they'll probably send you there." "Mm, a petting zoo is fine too," you laughed and then mumbled, "We're probably going to get separated, huh?" "Mm, yes, most likely, I am their personal provider there. But with Mia being out of town for the weekend, I had to call in someone else." "Mia?" "My assistant." "Oho, so you did find a new assistant after me," you teased, and you asked, "How is she?" "She's a sweet girl, and kind in nature. She's always there, ready to help, and jumps at every single opportunity that comes her way." "Sounds like a good person, I'm glad you found an assistant," you laughed and then Rhys asked, "And how have you been? Last time I heard from you was probably... almost half a year ago, when you updated me about your neighbors." "Oh yeah, Mist, my assistant, she actually lives next door to me. But you know, I was always in the office earlier than her and always stayed later, and I never really asked her, nor did I bother to peek at my neighbor's house," your voice trails off and you muttered, "It's kind of ridiculous now that I think about it. How did I not know?" "Well, you are the type to focus solely on one thing only, but how is Mist and Ike doing?" "They're doing fine. Of course, occasionally they come over for lunch or dinner on the days both of them have off, which is pretty rare. But I've gotten used to making lunch for them and for me, and-" You paused, and turned to him, "Wait, how did you know his name?" "Well, Ike and I are friends actually," Rhys chuckled and you mumbled, "No way." "Yeah, we have a mutual friend, and they were talking to me about him one day and I happened to find out later on that we were talking about the same person." "Oh," you let out a low whistle, and Rhys asked, "Do you get along with him well?" "Mhm." "That's good to hear. I've been told that he's a bit unreadable since he's more of a listener than a talker," Rhys paused, and notices you nod in agreement, but you said, "I get along with him pretty well. Occasionally we eat dinner together. And I make him lunch too actually." Rhys mouth felt dry and he slowly mumbled, "You make him food?" But you don't hear him as he notices you're starting to drift off to sleep. But Rhys slowly recalls that Mist also works with you and he sighed, a soft smile on his lips, "I bet you make lunch for both of them. Jeez, [F/N]." *** "I'm so sorry!" Rhys apologized again and you waved your hand casually, "It's fine, really. Besides, we already saw this coming." He sighs again, and whined, "I was supposed to be a good senior to you and take you around, get you acquainted with everything, and now I'm basically leaving you on your own." "I'll be fine," you laughed, "Come on, it's not like I haven't gone on a business trip like this before." Rhys looked uncertain, but in the end he sighs and gently pats your head, "I'll be done around 4 pm and then I'll drive you back home. But if anything comes up, I'll let you know." "Okay," you nodded and then smiled, "I'll see you later!" Rhys waves as he's almost dragged away by the attendants that came to take him to the animal that was in need of care. You watched for a bit before glancing down to the clipboard filled with a schedule of things for you to do. Most of it was routine check ups, the part that probably worried you the most was the rabbit pregnancies. If those weren't handled properly... well, you'll just have to hope the previous vet had gotten most things set up so it isn't a mess. But as you checked the locations of each place you were assigned to, you felt your throat go dry as you noticed how far apart each location was from where you currently were. You were thankful that most of them seemed to be in the same area save for the reptiles, but you frowned upon finding that you really didn't know your way around, and this map wasn't helping. Ah, it's okay, I'll figure it out. So according to the map... You get up from the table in the lobby room and slowly make your way towards the entrance, only to pause when the door swings open, and the familiar heterochromatic hues of a certain kitten's owner meets yours. Ranulf's eyes widened and he laughed, "Well if it isn't Dr. [L/N]." "I told you, [F/N] is fine," you laughed and he asked, "What are you doing here?" "Here for a job," you said, but before you can explain, Ranulf tilts your clipboard towards him, and then a there's a childish grin on his face and he offers, "I can take you to where you're supposed to go." "Eh, but I can just-" "Oh come on, it's the least I can do after you took care of Rai," he chuckled and then places his hands on your shoulder, steering you out of the room, "Come on, let's go, let's go."

Ranulf was holding one of the rabbits in his arms as it nibbled on the carrots in his hand. He glances up to you as you check on the other rabbit inside the cage and you said, "Well, she's healthy. Whoever was in charge of this place before I got here did their research. It's good that they separated the male and the females. We all know how they are, after all they're very active." Ranulf nods in agreement and he asked, "After this, what's next?" "This was the last one. All I did was routine check ups on the goats and the sheep. The alpacas and llamas were fine too. Of course, your smaller animals, like the guinea pigs and these rabbits are a bit overfed by the visitors I bet. But other than that, they're all in good condition!" You give the rabbit one last gentle pat as you take the male one from Ranulf and put it in the adjacent cage to its partner. Immediately the two nuzzled against each other through the openings on the fence and you smiled at the sight. "Hmm, if you're done then..." Ranulf's voice trails off as his gaze flickers to his watch and then he smirked, "I have about an hour of break left, come with me, I'll tour you around!" "Eh, but your break!" you protested as he takes you by the wrist. He laughed, "It's fine. You're here and you're done with your work right? Just enjoy yourself while you're here!" "But I feel bad." "No more but's. I'm touring you around!" Ranulf laughed as he literally pulls you through the crowds of people. Ranulf ignores the worried tone in your voice. Because honestly, he doesn't really care if he's late for his shift if it meant that he could somehow help out in the bigger picture.

"And that's all. I wrote up small notes for each animal just in case. They're really small details, and a lot of it is just the structure of the cages they're put in," you mentioned to the supervisor in charge. He nods and chuckled, "I can see why Rhys had so much faith in you. If you're going to stay, feel free to just walk around, Rhys should be done soon. Hopefully." "Okay, thank you!" you give him a bright smile before walking out of the office. Ranulf is leaning against the wall and he laughed, "Done?" "Yeah." "Cool, let's go," Ranulf placed his hands on his shoulders again, steering you out and you sighed, "I can walk by myself." "Yes, yes, but I can't let you get lost or he'll kill me," he answered. You frowned in confusion, "Why would Rhys get mad at you?" Not Rhys. Ranulf wants to retort, but instead he laughed and said, "Time to show you the wonders of the zoo!"

Honestly, you were hoping that Ranulf would actually tour you around, not drag you away and straight towards one exhibit and one exhibit only. On the way there, you pass by elephants, giraffes, and you sighed, "Ranulf, I thought you said tour." "I'll show you around after this part. Any visitor to the zoo cannot miss this!" He chuckled as you followed after him. He saw the way your eyes lit up at each animal and he teased, "Probably never dealt with ones that big, huh?" He barely catches the slight shake of your head and you murmured, "They're so majestic." A smile graces his visage and he points towards the crowd, "This is what I wanted you to see." There was a crowd gathering around a certain exhibit, but upon hearing the primal growl and roar of the predatory cats, you knew why. The lions were all lazing about, basically sun bathing if you'd like to call it that. There were mostly female ones that all appeared to linger about, not really doing much, although one of them was pacing back and forth near the side of the cage where there was a "staff-only" sign. But what shocks you the most isn't the lions, but rather the familiar bluenette that you've grown accustomed of seeing daily due to a certain co-worker of yours. Donned in the traditional khaki button up and pants, Ike walked past the cage, and stopped right before the fence that blocked the visitors from the cage fence. You could see his lips moving into the wireless mic, but you couldn't hear him. Ranulf chuckled and whispered, "Ike's just explaining about lion feeding and stuff right now, but we're a bit too far away to hear. But from this viewing point, we can see everything without being in the crowd." You nodded mindlessly, but you subconsciously find your gaze flickering between Ike and the lion, but what probably caught your attention the most was the fond smile on his face as he feeds the lions. The female lion closest to the fence practically rubs against his legs. A small 'aw' is heard in the crowd, and from yourself, as you watched the friendly interaction between the lioness and Ike. After the feeding the lions, you notice Ike look back at the audience, waiting for any potential questions. But his gaze lingers on your figure momentarily, confusion and surprise flickers in those oceanic blue orbs and you give him a small smile with a quick wave of the hand. But right after you wave, Ranulf grabs a hold of your hand, and waves at Ike. You glance over to the male holding your hand, and the playful smirk was ever present on his features. He pulls you away, and whispered, "I think we surprised him." "Honestly, you surprised me, anyways where are we going?" "Going to go see our boy, Ike," Ranulf answered as though it was obvious. You want to counter his response, but in the end you feel yourself being pulled away and you laughed, "Okay."

"Wow, so there are some in the backrooms too?" you asked as two male lions in two separate rooms prowled around in the back. The space was large enough for one male lion to feel comfortable, and both of them had a fake rock wall that separated the two. The only indication of the other knowing the other was there was probably the sound of each other's roars. Ranulf nods as he grabs a piece of meat and tosses it into a metal slot that dropped the meat right into the cage. The lion snatches it, and immediately trots to the back of the cage where there was a small rock cavern for it to lounge in. He chuckled and then glances at you, "Yeah, we keep these two back here because they're actually not doing well right now. They get along with their pride rather well, but these two recently got an infection, but..." He straightens out after seeing them playing with the toys in their cage and he chuckled, "I think Rhys treatment for them is going well." "That's good to hear," you said as you took another step closer. The lion walked up to the cage, and stared back at you. You chuckled, "He's kind of cute." "I wouldn't get too close to the cage though, [F/N]." Ike's appearance causes you to turn around sharply, and he gives you a strained smile and said, "That one tends to bite." The surprise is evident on your face and it is only after you finally regain enough composure that you noticed that there is still some disbelief on his features. But before either of you can say anything, Ranulf walks over, and stated, "Well, my lunch break is over, so I'm going to be handing you over to Ike, Doc." "E-Eh?" you looked at him in slight confusion, but Ranulf ignores your small protest and gives Ike two hearty pats on his back. The slightly shorter male leans over and whispered, "You're done for the day aren't you? Go show 'em around, go on a date." Ike flushed red, but you're confused because you hear nothing. Your head tilts just slightly, but Ike just covers his face with his hand, slowly dragging it down as Ranulf snickers and leaves the room. The last thing you hear and see of him is "have a good time, [F/N]!" You stand there awkwardly as Ike tries to ignore Ranulf's last lingering words in his ears and he sighed, "Sorry about him." He notices the slight shake of your head alongside the soft smile on your lips, "It's fine. He's not a bad person anyways." "Yeah, he isn't," Ike chuckled, "He comes and goes like the wind though. Anyways," he paused and glanced at you, "You're not in your work outfit, just here to visit?" "Actually, I was here to work," you chuckled and then continued, "The vet that normally works with Rhys is apparently out of town? So I was called in as back up." "Is that so?" he mumbled and asked, "So you left Mist in charge?" "Well, we have other vets in the office, we'll be fine," you laughed. Ike smiled and asked, "So, if you're done, let's go?" He opens the door for you, and you smiled, "Let's go!"

"And our last stop in this area are the white bengal tigers," Ike commented as you walked away from the majestic, yet currently asleep panthers that were lounging in the trees. You approached the cage with awe in your eye, and he can't help but smile at the pure amazement and awe on your features. He slowly walks up behind you and explains, "The two in the back are sisters, twins actually. And the one here prowling around and staring back at you is their older brother." He notices your gaze following his finger and he pulls away just slightly and as he moves to stand by your side, the male in the front stalked over to his side, staring intently at Ike. You followed the tiger's gaze and you chuckled, "Is it following you?" "I don't see why it would, unless..." Ike takes a few steps away, and the tiger follows him and you laughed, "I think it is." Ike furrowed his brows, clearly confused, and you giggled, "It's kinda cute." His eyes widened and he murmured, "People don't normally describe these predatory cats as cute, but okay." "Hey, it's cute how it recognizes you. Do you feed them too?" "Ah," Ike smiled, "I see. Yeah, I do. I'm in charge of feeding most of the larger cats actually. I find myself at ease around them." He noticed that he's piqued your interest yet again and he explained, "If I have to explain it... they're dangerous animals, yet they're able to instill awe into people." He paused, "It's like... when people see them, they're just so shocked that they can't speak, they just appreciate it." You nodded, and was about to answer until you heard the call of your phone. Immediately you pull it out, confusion written all over your face until you see Rhys' name. "Hello?" "[F/N]! I'm so sorry." "You're... sorry?" A frown takes over your visage and you mumbled, "What?" "Mia just arrived at the airport, and she doesn't have enough to afford fare back to her house, so I'm going to pick her up. I just finished everything, if you want to come, you can come with, but it'll take me a few hours to take you back to your place because Mia lives on the other side of the zoo, and-" "It's okay, Rhys," you laughed. Rhys stops out of surprise and you glanced over at Ike, whose face is filled with confusion, and you smiled, "I think I can get a ride back home." "I'm really sorry, I just-" "Oh calm down, it's fine," you laughed and then teased, "Have a good time." "[F/N]!" The whine in his voice makes you burst into full out laughter, and you laughed, "Get going, don't make the poor girl wait." "I'll make it up to you! I promise!" "Okay, okay," you chuckled, "See you." The sound of the click indicates the end of call, and you turn to Ike and you shrugged, "Rhys had to go pick up Mia. I don't have a ride home now." He sees the smile on your face and he chuckled, "I can take you home." "Yay!" you laughed as you skipped past him towards the next exhibit. He smiled and you glanced back at him, a bright smile plastered all over your face, "I was hoping you'd say that." He shook his head and you fully turned to him and asked, "But what time do you get off work? I can just wander around until you're off." You watched as his eyes widened and he looks away, chuckling. The confusion on your face is evident and you whined, "What?" "I'm actually done." "For today? Don't you work until like, 7 each day?" "Well, normally yes," Ike finally walks up to you, and the two of you fall back into a steady pace as you resumed travelling through the exhibits. "But today was actually supposed to be my day off." "Oh?" you're confused, and he nodded, "My co-worker who also feeds the predatory cats with me got sick, and I guess they needed one more person to cover the shift, so I just decided to take it." "... What a weird scheduling," you murmured. Ike shrugged and he lamely finished, "Yeah, but I'm done for the day." You gnawed at your bottom lip and mumbled, "So there's really no reason for you to be here, huh?" Ike's surprised. Your voice was filled with conflict, and perhaps, slight guilt? And he gently pats your head, "There is." He could tell you didn't get it, but he knows, or at least, he has a good feeling, that the glum look on your face was because of potentially cutting the zoo visit short. His hand is warm atop your head and he chuckled, "We still have the whole day ahead of us, and you haven't seen everything right?" "No, but.. you're done with work," you kind of countered. He flicked your forehead, much like what he does to Mist. You pouted, and he chuckled, "Come on, I'll show you everything."

"Ike, are you sure?" you hesitated as he brought over a golden eagle. The crowd outside the exhibit were watching with wide eyes, clearly in awe that Ike was able to carry the bird around as though it was nothing more than a pigeon or something. The magnificent bird was perched on a gloved arm. The beady gold eyes were clear, and stared intently at Ike. It was massive, but for a fearsome looking thing, it made a cute sounding squawk that makes you coo in adoration at the difference of its appearance from the noise it makes. Ike chuckled and said, "Yeah, this one's been trained to sit on people's arms and hands." He does a quick look over on your outfit and frowned, "Maybe not your hand though. But since you're not wearing a long sleeve..." But he quickly finds a solution and he said, "I'll be back. Just wait here." He walks back into the adjacent room and you watched as the bird flaps its wings slightly almost hitting Ike's face and you cringed. Yeah, maybe I'm not up for this. Ike comes back quickly, another glove in his hands and he offers it to you. But upon making eye contact with you, he's surprised to see apprehension in you. He looks at the eagle and with a soft voice, "Hey, I won't force you, but trust me. She's nice. I know she's a predatory bird, but just..." he struggled to find the words, and he finished, "Just put your faith in me." You nod as you put on the glove and he slowly puts the eagle back on the tree limb where it watched both of you intently. You take your first step forward, and honestly, you don't know why you were so scared. You've taken care of and rescued plenty of different creatures, why were you so scared of an eagle? Probably because you can get your eyes pecked out and your arms gashed apart in public, in front of a crowd. Yeah, I don't wanna die like that. You take in a deep breath, and Ike has the eagle back on his arm again. "Extend your arm, [F/N]. And try to hold it steady," he instructed you. You do as you're told, but you can feel your arm trembling out of nervousness. Ike stands behind you, and with his free hand he places it under your elbow, supporting you as he brings his arm with the eagle closer. "Steady now, it's okay, [F/N]." But you feel your heart beat pick up when his voice is right next to your ear, and you can't help but tremble just slightly. His hand squeezes your elbow reassuringly and the eagle squawks again just slightly and slowly moves from Ike's arm to yours. Upon settling itself there, it prunes its feathers and makes another adorable call. Ike smiles upon seeing the awe light up your eyes. "Now stay here, I'm going to let go okay?" You nod, unable to find your voice from both the close proximity of Ike's presence in general, and the fact that you were actually able to hold the eagle. It was much heavy than you had anticipated, but you found a comfortable position as you slowly brought bent your arm so your fist was against your chest. Ike comes back with a small bucket and immediately the eagle's attention goes from its feathers to Ike, and he hands it to you and said, "Here, try feeding her." "Will she peck me?" "If you don't do it correctly, probably. So, here, put this on first," Ike pulls out a plastic glove and you offer him his hand. He slips it on and once it's on snugly, he continued, "When you grab the meat, hold it with your thumb and your index finger, but not the tip of your finger. It's more like making a fist and then holding something down with your thumb." He watches as you tried to imitate the movement, and once you did he nodded, "Okay. Then, take the meat out and then hold it by the end. That way once she grabs it you can let go." You watch Ike demonstrate it effortlessly and you blanched, "How do you make everything look so easy?" "I work here," he teased, and you rolled your eyes. But there's finally a smile on your face after all the concern about the eagle potentially hurting you. You mimic his movements and keep in mind what he taught you. And once the eagle bit down on the meat, you let go and watched as it cooed and looked at you two for more. "She's so cute," you whispered and with your other hand you gently pat down her feathers on the top of her head. Ike's surprised when the eagle lets you and you looked at him, "What? Did I do something I shouldn't have?" "Well, she's sensitive to hands near her head, so I'm surprised she let you do that," he admitted as he watched you feed the eagle with renewed vigor and contentment. He finally relaxed his shoulders. In all honesty, he was a bit scared that the eagle wouldn't react well to you, or you to the eagle. But he's glad that you've taken to it like a fish to water. "Ah, there's no more," you noticed as you reached into the empty bucket. The eagle makes a cry in protest, and you laughed, "Sorry girl." With one finger, you gently pet down its feathers on its head and it contently cooed before flapping its wings just slightly. You flinch though from the sudden movement, and Ike's hands are immediately on your shoulder and your elbow, steadying you from potentially falling over after he saw the way your entire weight shifted. "Ah, thanks," you mumbled and sighed, "I always seem to get knocked over by animals." "Well, you're pretty short so-" "Okay, then," you rolled your eyes and nudged him with your free elbow. A fake grunt of pain is heard, and both of you are struggling to keep your laughter in check. But in the end, both of you regain composure and Ike moves around to stand by you. He gently takes a hold of the arm that's supporting the weight of the eagle and maneuvers it so it's next to his. He coaxes the eagle onto his arm, and afterwards puts it back into her proper cage. The people watching the exhibit from outside claps for you guys, and you're embarrassed that they witnessed the entire ordeal. He opens the door for you, and makes sure that the eagle doesn't follow you guys in or anything, and thankfully she doesn't. Once you guys are out of public view you let out a heavy sigh. Ike glances down and asked, "You okay?" "Other than the fact I just fed an eagle that was sitting on my arm in front of a crowd of like 20? I'm fine," you honestly answered. The smile on your face was new, and our local bluenette is left confused. You laughed, "Hey, it was a good experience, but I don't know how you can do that in front of people like it was a show or something." "Oh, well," Ike sheepishly scratched the back of his neck, "You get used to it." "And this is why I work in a private office," you reasoned. He opens the door leading you back into the zoo. You glanced back, "What's next?" "That was it actually," Ike admitted. Your eyes widened and he continued, "You went through the entire zoo." "What, really?" "Yeah." You open the map and Ike slowly started pointing out each location you guys have visited it. You returned to the petting zoos after he showed you through the Safari zones, and then he brought you over to the aquatic zone. After watching an entertaining show with seals and otters, you finished the tour of the entire aquarium and then went straight to the aviary domes. "Wow, we really did tour the whole place," you mumbled. Ike nodded and he said, "And it's almost closing time too." "Eh? It is?" There's a proud grin on Ike's face, and he teased, "Time passes by quickly when you're having fun." "True," you agreed, and then asked, "So, I guess we head home?" "Mm, yeah, just let me change out of my uniform. I'll take you back to the staff's zone where they probably briefed you and all." "Okay!"

Ike instructed you to wait in the lobby room while he went to clock out and everything. But the moment he gets to his locker, Boyd and Ranulf are staring slyly at him and he sighed. Boyd slings an arm over his shoulder and pokes Ike's cheeks, "So, tell us, who's the cute vet you were with?" "My neighbor, and Mist's employer," he explained. Boyd huffed at the answer and pulled away. He mumbled, "Mist's employer, huh?" Ike nods again, but Boyd asked, "I'm asking about her relation to you, Ike." "Yeah, Ike," Ranulf chimed in, this time slinging his arm around Ike. Ike barely got to change out of his khaki uniform and he sighed, "Look, really, [F/N]'s just a good friend." "Okay, but you guys hang out a lot," Ranulf pointed out. He removes his arm to let his friend finally change, and Boyd mumbled, "And don't tell us that Mist made those homemade lunches, we all know how big of a lie that is." Ike and Ranulf snorted, and he admitted, "Yeah, [F/N] makes lunch for Mist and I." "So just 'good' friends?" Ranulf asked again as though asking for a confirmation. Ike nodded and Boyd rolled his eyes, "I don't buy it. But," the green haired boy paused and smiled, "If you feel that comfortable around 'em, then [F/N] has to be a good person." Ike doesn't respond, but the small smile on his face was answer enough.

"Hey, sorry, did you wait long?" Ike asked as he walked out. Dressed in just a casual black collared polo and jeans, you couldn't help but think he looked exceptionally nicer today. Although you weren't sure if it was the clothes, or his more charismatic side as a trained zoo keeper. You casually shook your head and then said, "Let me put this little fella back first." There was an albino bearded dragon resting in the crook of your arm and Ike chuckled, "Where in the world did you get that from?" "He was just scampering about the floor here, I couldn't find a cage for him, and his nails are already really short, so I figured I could let him rest a bit," you explained as you gently ran your fingers down its back. The lizard scampered up your arm, resting its head on your shoulder and Ike mumbled, "Must have gotten out of his cage again. He's our director's personal pet. I'll go put him back." Ike reaches out to take him, but you pull away, and you said, "I wanna do it." "Fine," Ike conceded, but before your smile could get any brighter he added, "I'll go with you so you don't get lost." "Hey!"

The car ride was mostly silent. Although Ike can't blame you, especially when you were so adorably curled up, or as curled up as possible, clutching onto the seat belt. He bit back his chuckle at how endearing it was for you to be so tired that you'd fall asleep five minutes into the car ride. But once the hum of the car signals the arrival of home, he's still surprised to see you completely knocked out. He gently shakes you, but to his surprise, you weakly brush away his arm with your own hand, only to curl up against the seat belt a bit tighter. "[F/N], we're home," he softly stated. His hand is on your shoulder, gently shaking you, and you whined, "Five more minutes, mom." Ike blanched, "I'm not your mom." But he gives up when you ignore him. He sighed, unclipping the seat belt and carefully getting it off of you. He leans away and then mumbled, "How am I supposed to open the door though..?" I clearly can't just carry [F/N] into the house, I don't know where the keys are. And I can't carry [F/N] into my house because I can't open the door. Ike sighed again and stared at you. He couldn't believe you knocked out this hard. He shook you again, and in a bit louder voice, "Wake up, [F/N]." Your eye lids slowly fluttered open, and he's amused at the sleepy expression on your face. After a few blinks, you finally recognize Ike's face before yours. Although the rather smug grin on his face makes you want to slap it off, and you mumbled, "Gods, was I out?" "Yeah," he said as he watches you slowly get out of the car. You immediately stretch, and you mumbled, "Sorry." "Hm?" "Sorry for not keeping you company on the way back, I guess I was that tired," you apologized. He shrugged and closed the car door, locking the car and he said, "It's fine, you did a lot today." "Yeah, but I feel bad," you countered. He sighed, but before he could say anything, you gently tug on his arm, and smiled, "Let me make you dinner in return for driving me home, showing me around the zoo, and falling asleep in the car." "[F/N], really it's fine." "I insist," you emphasized as you tugged on his arm. He was going to say no, but his stomach said yes as it rumbled loudly. He quickly glances away in hopes that you wouldn't notice the growing blush. But with a loud laugh, you dismissed the whole situation and this time drag him along, "Dinner's on me then!"

Ike lets out a content sigh as he finds himself slumping into your sofa after the good dinner. You're resting on the opposite side, completely stretched out, yet your toes could barely touch him from where you sat. There's a content smile on both your faces and you smiled, "Today was a good day. I haven't gone to a zoo since I was kid, it was a great experience." Ike's surprised to hear that admission and he asked, "That long?" You nodded, "Yep. I'm glad I stayed after I finished working." You're laying on the sofa now, and you completely stretched out until your toes actually brushed against his thighs. He glanced over and you’re completely relaxed, eyes closed as you recalled the day. "It was really nice seeing all the exhibits. I've always considered myself knowledgeable regarding animals, but going to the zoo always proves me wrong. Oh, and!" You sat up quickly, and your eyes were sparkling with amazement, "You were so cool, Ike!" Huh? Ike's shocked and you gushed, "When you were feeding the lions and the way you handled the eagle. You were just so cool! Oh, but gosh, when the lioness rubbed against your leg and you patted her side? That. Was. Adorable. "And the eagle. Gods, I never thought I'd ever get the chance to handle such a bird like that personally. But being able to hold one and feed it? It's just so cool! And you're just so calm and composed, and you were even able to make it so educational and-" you paused, taking in a deep breath, and you finished, "It was amazing. You were amazing." Ike's stunned by the rush of compliments, and he quickly breaks eye contact upon feeling the heat that rushed to his face. His hand covers his face and you laughed, and poked his cheek, "Aww. Is macho man Ike embarrassed?" He turned away, and you smiled before softly whispering, "But really, I saw a side to you that I never knew you had. And you were really cool. I mean it." When he glances over, he sees there's a growing blush on your cheeks too and he mumbled into his hand, "Cute." Your eyes widened and you indignantly looked away, and he chuckled. But the laughter slowly fades away, and once the comfortable silence barely settled in, you could barely hear his "Thanks [F/N]." But all you could do is give him a bright smile, because despite the embarrassment both of you felt, whether it was from dishing out the compliments or receiving them, the best feeling was knowing that the smile on the other's face was because of them.

#jenbean writes #we like ike #ike fire emblem #fire emblem ike #floof au #modern au #ike and floofs #but not really floofs #more like ike and nature's predators #fire emblem path of radiance #fire emblem radiant dawn #VERY long post #ike floof au

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dj3two1 · 7 years

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Ladies of Hip Hop and R&B Link Up to Remix Hits Courtesy of DJ Carisma

What would top-charting tracks sound like with now a more female-centric take? Better yet, with the voices of the baddest in urban music?

Hmm, well pretend these are math problems someone posted to the ‘gram.

1. (D.R.A.M.’s “Broccoli” feat. Lil Yachty) x (DJ Carisma) = ? 2. (Kap G’s “Girlfriend”) x (Mila J) = ? 3. (DJ Esco’s “Too Much Sauce” feat. Future and Lil Uzi Vert) x (PJ) = ? 4. (DJ Mustard’s “Want Her” feat. Quavo and YG) x (Cam & China) = ?

And bonus question:

(DJ Khaled’s “Do You Mind” feat. Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, August Alsina, Jeremih, Future, and Rick Ross) ÷ (everyone who’s not Nicki Minaj but also keep the Khaled) x (Sevyn Streeter, Dreezy, Lyrica Anderson, and Siya) = ??????

There are bound to be quite a few confused followers in the comments trying to put together all this greatness in one. But a single MVP posts the right answers. That one person is REAL 92.3 LA’s DJ Carisma. And the right answer is This Is The Queen Mix. And to put an end to this Instagram metaphor, I assure you that this boggling series of musical equations is in fact real. The Los Angeles DJ just dropped her mixtape of dope ladies-first remixes, posting on social media, “So I decided to get with sum of my favorite female artist and flip sum of the hottest tracks out! Hope y’all enjoy.” So go on now, press play: