#I just. all doctors make me nervous even when I've been several times and they're nice (like my knee surgeon)

[gigantomachylesbian]

I have my first ever gynecology appointment tomorrow and I'm so nervous I'm going to explode into a million little piece >.< send me good vibes!!!

[metalbvcky]

Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

tagged by @sarahowritesostucky, thank you lovely!! 💖💖 no pressure tagging: @late-to-the-party-81 @sparkagrace @bittersweet-in-boston @otpcutie @apple-writes

🍓 How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I feel like that's asking "how did you join Tumblr" it just happened 😂

🍇How many fandoms have you written in?

One, technically, which is nothing compared to others but I enjoy exploring my ideas with the MCU and its characters. I'm not sure I'd get the same feeling with other fandoms, like say, supernatural.

🍈How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

It'll be four this summer. Again, not long, but considering I denied myself as being a writer for several years? That's progress and growth.

🍎Do you read or write more fanfiction?

It depends on the muse and all sorts of other things. Sometimes I'm punching out oneshot after oneshot, while other times I'll be focused on a longfic and will read in between and stuff. Like currently!

🍌What is one way you've improved as a writer?

Writing more. Reading more. Writing more again. But also letting go of sticking to a strict outline. I'm a planster. I'll plan the major things, but everything else is made up as I go.

🍑Do you have any bad habits as a writer?

I'll often start or continue writing a scene and will find myself stuck, thinking it's the end of the world, and then realize my whole issue is a few lines above what I'm trying to make work. Happens so often you'd like I would be used to it by now.

🍍 What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I don't know about weird, but I've been doing a ton of medical research for my future doctor/patient AU. I've searched around for all sorts of things lol even for a sentence that I'll likely not end up using.

🍉What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Keyboard smashes. Long detailed comments about the plot/relationship/pining/etc. Comments that mention a tiny detail I included, those are the best when people notice them. But also, any comment.

🍐What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

Crack fics? I don't think I write a lot of outlandish stuff, at least I wouldn't consider them to be 😂

🥭What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Uhhh... *stares blankly at my open doc* Ones with big plot. I love it, it makes the story even more fun to write, but MAN plot can be tricky. Catch me saying "Did everyone see that? Because I will not be doing it again" like Captain Jack Sparrow when I finish a longfic, and then immediately start planning another one to write.

🍏What is the easiest type?

Short oneshots with hardly any plot. Which isn't often because almost everything I write ends up being longer than I anticipated.

🍑Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Docs. I used to use Smartedit Writer and organize by chapters, but ehhhh I just throw ideas onto a separate doc and go from there. Why plan extensively when my characters will do a 180 on me all the time? And almost always at night, sometimes during the day when time/the muse allows me.

🍋What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I was just thinking about this recently. I have never written a post TWS recovery fic. It's on my 'to write' bucket list, so I hope to tackle a lengthy canon fic one of these days. I love reading canon fics where they're on missions and the plot is centered around HYDRA or some other big bad, I feel like those are trickier to write than AUs. But everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and I know coming up with detailed worlds/world building isn't a walk in the park for some.

🍇 what made you choose your username?

I didn't know what to name my Marvel sideblog when I was making it so... I just decided Bucky + metal arm + aw crap that name is taken = Metalbvcky 🤣

[annbourbon]

January.

Summary:

I decided to give this a try because I love writing on my diary (I stopped a while ago but maybe I'll start again, tho I'm not going to post it here ofc.) but... I definitely feel too exposed by doing this so it's not going to happen again. I have no filter.

These weeks have been hectic to put it kindly lol

I've been sick. I made a quick recovery. Went to the hospital like, three times. Will be back to the hospital tomorrow. Another check up and study. I'm so glad it's free because otherwise idk how I would be paying for all those things.

Last week - From January 7th to January 14th

I'm so angry... and embarrassed too because I actually bought a $5 bucks green tea but it tasted like cheap boiled water or smth 😭😂

Most expensive crap ever bought. Emphasis on crap. Yeah that's the most relevant thing 🤣 ahh and...

I'm writing.

Highlights: I'm now on Ko-fi! >< so excited!! Plus, I started selling soaps and I'm definitely starting strong this year.

This week - From January 15th to 21

I'm back to my ballet classes though, and I lost some weight~ *happy dance* and I'm selling my soaps ✨😌✨ I feel like I'm achieving some kind of superpower. I'm definitely becoming the person I want to be.

... ..........

Uh... almost lol

I'm reading the Bible. I swore to never touch that book again once I went out of school (went to catholic schools during a long time) but I'm back and I'm reading it. Literature skills and all that. I was advised several times that I should read it. So I'm back to it. My parents though... 💀 they're looking at me like I grew out two heads or smth... which is funny AF. Understandable though, considering how much I'm against it.

Genesis it's kind of heavy. I have had to put it down several times to not get bored and sleep on it. Probably for the best because I would end up drooling and the Bible is too pretty for that....

I'm not used to take that long reading a book. I went through the Catholic version first because it's the one I have at my disposal but downloaded a couple of apps. One NIV skipped several things through the Genesis. So many things it pissed me off because I thought Genesis was all about people being born and living way too long like if they were vampires or something. Turns out it's because of the version I'm reading. I tried the CBS but it was insufferable. I'm sorry. Finally I went through the KJV and found myself enjoying it so much I could spend the whole day reading it.

That's when I realize I need a physical copy of it. So I'm buying one. Went through Amazon and found a pinkish Bible. I can't wait to receive it and fill it with my studies~ meanwhile I find myself... bewildered because I'm actually enjoying something I thought I would never (?) Watching it as mythological stuff is different. Even my notes are really random and funny. But I don't want to offend anyone beliefs here so I won't be posting them. I am a firm believer in the good messages that the Bible has, just not, into it as religion.

Anyways~ one of my doctors is such a hottie... I feel like I'm in middle of a KDrama around him... even my mom likes him and calls him "handsome" lol

And there's a good reason for that... he's such a sweetheart around me. 🥺 I know he's only doing his job but I can't stop liking him. He's so touchy it makes me nervous but not in a bad way... it's just new... hope he never reads this lol

Highlights: The yellow dress I asked for has arrived. Finally.

Week from 22 to 28

I'm skipping ballet classes this entire week 😭🥺 I'm back with hospital appointments. I probably won't be here long enough and won't have enough energy to write. These appointments make sure my energy is drained. Like, completely.

I'm also on a sprint to create as much soaps as possible 😉 Valentine Day here we go!!!

Highlights: The transporter for my cats has arrived!

/^♡^/ I have spent all week training them to go on walks together. Soon I'm updating with pictures ^^

Week from 29 to 4th February

I was going to take bus routes... part of me refuses to feel like it's a downgrade. I'm feeling like taking buses will enhance the feeling of an MC on a kdrama or a Ghibli character (depending on how I'm dressing up) but instead I downloaded Uber lol because I'm spoiled and I would say lazy but nope! I have time to read or study while I'm in the car. That's why I haven't learned how to ride yet.

I finished with the soaps and I'm selling them at my school. I'm already making some money with this but expecting to make some money with my stories too. Which is why I've been working so hard on this. To go back to write again while the soaps are selling themselves. And before you ever think about me making a promo on my stories, mmmm yeah i'm not sure because I'm too busy. But maaaybe?

Anyways one of my teachers stand me up this week without notice. I got really pissed because I lost money and time because of that. I never felt so bothered by something like that but now I understand what my nom was talking about being punctual and responsible. Guess I'm an adult now since I'm the one paying for the uber *sighs* my mom also got stand up by one of my classmates. And it was raining. A lot. I don't hate rain. It made me feel nostalgic, but my annoyance was huge so I didn't get to enjoy.

Highlights: Nothing really. Ohh~ we're finally buying a treadmill.

[softsebnbuckystan]

Soul ties - Part 12 (Bucky Barnes au)

“Send your dreams where nobody hides

Give your tears to the tide”

Rushing to the compound felt surreal. Sam was driving as fast as he could as you were already thinking of the most efficient way to deal  with the situation. You were a doctor in biology and chemistry. Healing was a piece of cake for you. This shouldn't be any different.

"What injury did he suffer?" you asked, hiding the panic in your voice and leaving a crack in the car window to get some fresh air.

"Stab wound. It's pretty bad."

You scratched your forehead, doing your best not to give any thought to the pain Bucky was most likely going through.

"He was injected with the same serum as Steve, meaning he has the same healing process as him. One simple stab wound shouldn't be 'bad', so it has to be more than that."

Sam's grip on the stirring wheel tightened. He kept looking straight away, but he squeezed your hand once.

"Steve was freaked out. He might've overestimated the damage."

"Or underestimated. They might be super soldiers, Sam, but that doesn't make them invincible."

"I know."

"Sorry. I shouldn't be so dry. I'm just thinking. If..."

"We're almost there," he said, cutting you off. "I know the way you work, and I'm convinced you'll know what to do as soon as you see him."

The wind in your hair wasn't enough to calm you down and Sam had barely stopped the car when  you opened the door and ran to the compound. You were moving so fast your throat and lungs were burning, as you were not used to such physical exercises. You'd never been shaped for the field, nor had you ever wanted to be. You barged in the lab and put your hair up in a ponytail to keep it away from your face. Bucky was lying on a metal table :  you noticed he was pressing the side of his abdomen. Blood had stained his tight grey shirt. The blood on his face and shoulders, however, you concluded came from Steve carrying him. His eyes were open : good. After putting on sterilised gloves, you grabbed a pair of scissors and cut through his shirt. You hadn't even noticed Steve and Bruce's presence.

"Go, both of you," you told them as you assessed the wound, ignoring how Bucky's mouth was twisted with pain. "I've got this."

Bruce didn't need to be told twice : he trusted your skills with his life. It might have been Steve's case as well, but leaving his friend's side seemed harder for him to do.

"Steve, go. I won't be able to focus."

Your stern voice was what finally made him leave the room, closing the doors behind him. Bucky, still lying down, grabbed your wrist, staining the white gloves with red.

"It's bad, isn't it?" he asked.

"Nothing I can't fix," you assured him. You'd switched to working mode as soon as you'd seen him, but totally getting rid of your emotions wasn't the easiest thing to do.

"Your voice is shaking," he noted. "I.." – He let out a small grunt. – "Are you sure you're okay?"

You let out a sarcastic and nervous scoff. "Yeah, my voice is shaky but my hands are not. I'm the one who should ask if you're okay. Now shut up, unless I ask you something."

You didn't pay attention to his furrowed brows or confused look. The only thing you were looking for, while applying pressure to his wounds, was any particular sign of pain. He wasn't hiding it, unlike some of your teammates (Natasha came to your mind).

"It's deep," you explained. "Can you press this cloth for a second?"

He nodded and immediately got to it, allowing you to grab a scanner to see if any vital organs or blood canals had been severed. Locating the most damaged canal took you two seconds. You had no time for an anaesthesia ; you didn't have much doubt about Bucky's ability to bear pain. You used clamps to keep the wound open.

"This might itch," you said as you grabbed the electrocautery and applied it to the bleeding canal. You knew his face was contorted with pain, but you couldn't let your soft side win in those situations. Seeing people in pain was the hardest part of your job.

The rest of the surgery went on in silence, aside from Bucky's occasional grunt or sigh. Once you were done stitching the wound, you helped him sit up and bandaged the area. You wiped the sweat on your forehead with a towel, moving wet streaks of hair out of the way. Caring for this spectacular stab wound had taken around two hours, so you allowed yourself to drink some water before handing Bucky the bottle and tending to his other scratches. He probably didn't need this kind of medical assistance, but leaving him scathed was out of the picture.

"You need to hydrate yourself."

He took a long sip as you cleaned the multiple scratches he had on his right harm. His shoulder had taken the most of it, leading you to think he'd fallen from a higher place.

"What happened?" you finally asked. "I thought this was supposed to be an easy mission."

Now that you didn't need to focus as much and that the overall fear for Bucky's safety had passed, tears were threatening to come to your eyes.

"It was. Doesn't mean those guys weren't jerks."

"Bucky," – you carefully captured his chin between your fingers to make him look at you – "what happened?"

"Natasha got in harm's way. I knew she couldn't take it as good as me. It was the smart play."

"No, it was the bold, reckless way," you retorted. "You have no idea what Steve's call put me through. I thought..."

"Hey, I'm okay. Thanks to you," he whispered as he stroked your cheek. "I couldn't let them hurt someone who might've died. I knew I'd come out of this, that's why I did it."

You lowered your gaze and your eyes lingered on the numerous scars his naked torso displayed. You traced some of them with your fingers : on his collarbone, on his abdominal muscles, on his shoulders, and so on. You could tell there was a story behind each of these, and you assumed they were stories he would rather not talk about.

"I'm sorry you had to see those," he said. It was barely a whisper, so low you weren't sure you'd heard it right. "They're from my time with H.Y.D.R.A."

"Don't be sorry. Remember what you asked me about your arm?" – He nodded. – "This is no different. It's you, and that's all I care about."

You ran a hand through his hair : it'd been hardened by dried blood in some places. You closed your eyes and laid a kiss on his forehead before going to one of the cupboards to get him a lab coat. A warm sensation made its way to your stomach as you realised how easy it was being with him, how natural it seemed, how meant-to-be it felt, how...

"Wear this," you told him. "We need to do something about all this blood."

As if they'd been expecting you to come out, Steve, Nat and Sam jumped to their feet when you  opened the door. Bucky tried getting up on his own as well, but you grabbed his arm just as fast.

"You might be healing fast, Sergeant Barnes, but I'm not keeping you out of my sight just yet," you joked lightly.

Bucky was holding the coat closed over his chest, his other hand squeezing your back in gratitude.

"How are you, Buck?" Steve asked.

"Good, don't worry. 'T was just a scratch."

You gave him a grave look. "It was not a simple scratch," you corrected, "but he's fine. All I ask is that you rest for today. That should be enough, with your metabolism."

"Go rest, now, or you won't hear the end of it with this one," Sam said, gesturing in your direction.

"He's right," Natasha joined in. "She's secretly quite bossy."

You smiled to her. "I have to be! None of you listen to medical advice, so I have to be assertive. It's for your own good."

"And we love you for it," Steve added with a grin. "Now go put this guy to bed."

Bucky couldn't help but chuckle lightly, making him reach for his healing wound. It was obviously still hurting a little. You finally left the others and took him to your bathroom. Your bathtub was lower than the floor, which allowed you to sit on the edge as Bucky got in, after taking off his clothes, staying in his underwear. None of you spoke a word as you washed his hair and rubbed the remaining blood off of his skin. You ended up plunging your legs in the tub and let Bucky rest his head on your knees as you ran your fingers through his hair, silence embracing you both.

"Are you still hurting?" you asked.

"Only a little." He seized one of your hands and kissed your fingers. "Thank you," he added.

"Don't thank me, I'm doing what I vowed to do."

A smile made its way to Bucky's face as he sat up and turned around. "Do you wash every single of your patients' hair?"

You shook your head. "No. That's the unexpected, coffee-spilling, caring soulmate package."

He looked hesitant for the smallest second before extending his arms, waiting for a hug.

"You're soaked," were the only  words to come out of your mouth.

"Do you care? Your pants are already in the water, so..."

"Might as well," you said, finishing his sentence. You leaned on the bathtub's edge as your knees hit the bottom. Resting on your arms, you were only a few inches away from Bucky's face. You pressed your lips against his and closed your eyes, wondering what allowed it to feel so good. You didn't give a damn about your clothes anymore and they were bloody anyway, so you broke the kiss and laid in Bucky's arms, resting your head on his chest and your legs entangling. You'd made sure the water was warm enough and it still hadn't cooled off, thankfully.

"We probably shouldn't stay in here," you admitted. "We might just fall asleep and drown."

"Now that would be a shame," he agreed. "Just a few more minutes then. Please?"

You tilted your head up to look him in the eyes and smirked.

"I'll give you all the minutes you want, Buck."

--- Damn, I sure loved writing this part. I hope you liked it too! Part 13 will be the last one. :)

Tag list : @ginger-swag-rapunzel @joscelyn02 @bluemoon-icecream @writehistorynotthegrocerylist @lady-loki-ren @simplybombshell @lizajane3 @livingonkpop @kaitieskidmore1

[bansheeoftheforest]

Uh, is there still an angst break? Ignore this ask until your ready if so 👉😎👉

-

What was the au where Jekylls pushed down the stairs and experiences a skull crackening again? Oh well but I've been thinking of a branch of that where Jekyll doesn't know hes dead like all day. I also cant remember if that was already discussed or not

The lodgers patch him up, he complains of a headache, and goes on his merry way! He's confused why all the lodgers are so nervous and being nice to him all of the sudden, why creature is looking at him with a stange mix of empathy and pity. He was told he fell down the stairs, fell unconscious, and obtained a bit of an injury. He cant fathom why Frankenstein is "The only doctor who can treat him" why he has to constantly go to her for checkups. Why Maijabi is suddenly following him practically everywhere.

Hyde squeezes back control for a moment and tries the potion but it doesn't work. Maybe a bit of pain but certainly no transformation. Jekyll assumes his injury or whatever medication they're giving him to treat it somehow negated the effects

Jekyll complains about "suddenly blacking out" the lodgers know its because his soul is slippery. They tell him it must just be a side effect of the injury and not to worry

How long can they keep it secret from him? When does he find out? Does he? Does it get to be years only for him to realize that he hasn't aged? That he still needs checkups from Frankenstein? Does he learn sooner? Does a lodger crack and say it? Does he rot? Does he notice how so very cold he is. How animals act around him? It's all very interesting,,

-

I actually did think a bit of Jekyll's kidnappers for the amnesia kidnapping au! When drawing that lil sketch of Henry and O'Leary meeting Robert I had considered making it so O'Leary was suspicious of Lanyon like "Oh theres no news anywhere of someone matching Thomas' description who's missing. But some random people walk up claiming to know him? Begging to take him back with them?" And he'd think they were the kidnappers. But ultimately I decided against it as I felt Lanyon and Rachel were pretty clearly, genuinely concerned for "Thomas" :p

-

I tried playing assassins creed once, the first(?) one. But the controls were confusing and everything was sorta thrown all at me at once, and I got bored of it quickly

But! I went to the store the other day and just so happened to notice Syndicate was being sold for 15 dollars 👀 So I bought it because funky Victorian assassins and your influence! It's a bit less confusing then the first ac game I tried but why is going down or dropping so hard bdksnks. I'm having quite a bit of fun! If you dont count my rage and annoyance-, the B button refuses to cooperate with me unless I'm looting corpses >:(

The b button being the bane of my existence aside, I AM having fun! I like the funky outfits and I want to play as the girl twin (evie?) forever because her clothes are good and shes better at attacking than jacob(?) For some reason. Probably the stun her weapon has? Oh well! I have not unlocked any new outfits yet, nonetheless I wish there were more.

Also! I was thimking, and my current quests are taking place at 1868? Did I get that right? And Jekyll is like 35 in 1885. So in game he'd be 18! An au like I believe you mentioned sounds very interesting 👀 but I must play more to know what's going on and daydream about it

That would be the resurrection au <3

But god, I really like that branch! Especially combined with the hc that he can't feel pain bc the HJ7 and the transformations made him immune. Frankenstein patched him up and made fleshweaver to heal the crack in his skull but it still has to be bandaged, he surely broke a few bones, yet all he has to do is to be careful because it doesn't even hurt. He doesn't even realize how severe the injuries are because it doesn't hurt, it very well might just have been that he accidentally slipped at the bottom of the staircase and accidentally hit his head on the railing during his fall, rather than getting physically pushed and flying down the stairs, shattering his skull upon impact with the marble floor. Y'know what would be extra fun? If he only starts getting a bit suspicious about how severe the injury was once he realizes his lungs stop breathing for minutes at a time when he gets distracted, or his heartbeat stops dead in his chest. I know that that's not how biology or even creature works but lets say the HJ7 is funky, Zombie Jekyll my beloved. Perhaps he would only fully grasp what had happened once he blacked out too much and 'passed out', but his soul slipped out enough to leave his body unconscious on the floor while his soul/ghost was just... Watching. And it's not until Maijabi (who, as you said, follows him everywhere) immediately calls for more Lodgers saying that Henry's soul is getting unstable and Frankenstein's lousy job is starting to shine through that he fully understands that it was not a mere hit to the head. Or maybe it is when days, weeks, maybe months has passed and the headache never goes away, he only feels how his body starts feeling so much more... Fragile and delicate, that the guilt has eaten Helsby up alive and he corners him and spills everything, knowing he is going directly against what the group agreed to but not being able to keep it a secret much longer-- or maybe Creature would tell him immediately, once Henry is, for once, alone perhaps days after the initial accident. He cannot see Henry struggle to understand what is going on when he already knows what's happening to Henry, his mind, and his body. He doesn't listen to the plan that Frankenstein and the Lodgers has set up and immediately tells Henry the first moment they are alone. That would certainly be horrifying, I can only imagine how the Lodgers would find Henry after that, once he actually knows and manages to process everything. He would be so mad, not only to have been killed in the first place, but also because he was robbed of an afterlife because the Lodgers were selfish and could not accept the consequences of their actions. He would be mad, he would be so pissed and I have no doubt he might actually be mad at Maijabi too for even agreeing to help Frankenstein and the rest of the Lodgers. That anger would not stay long, though. That anger would soon turn into misery and sadness and paranoia so even as Henry has tried to push Maijabi away, Henry still ends up on his doorstep begging him to help him make sure he is not rotting, because no matter what anyone says, he is sure he can see rotten spots and patches on his skin and he is just so scared and jdhfjsdfdsfsfs... <3

--

Ooooooohhh, I was actually daydreaming about this just this morning! Granted, I woke up at 5 and began to daydream to fall asleep quicker but I still like the thought of O'Leary being suspicious of Robert/Rachel/Jasper/the Lodgers bc he is protective of 'Thomas' and doesn't want anything bad to happen to him and especially with the idea that Henry still has hallucinations and they both think he was abandoned by his family, left to rot at a mental asylum. O'Leary might very well think that it might be Henry's friends and family that dumped him that Henry had 'escaped' the hospital and that's why they knew he was missing since the Asylum itself obviously wouldn't have posted the news... I really liked Jeks idea, okay? Like a lot, I absolutely love it <3

--

Oh, the oldest AC game I played was Unity bc it was free after the Notre Dame fire, and I can confirm, I played 15 min and could not get through it even if i would have wanted to, it absolutely sucks so i have no doubt the older games are just as frustrating <3

BUT!!!! I'M SO GLAD MY CORRUPTION IS SPREADING AND YOU BOUGHT AND PLAYED IT AND ARE ENJOYING IT SO FAR!!! Trust me, Syndicate truly is an absolutely amazing game and is definitely one of my top 3 games of all time. I sometimes play it w my friend watching me play and trust me, I know that rage of trying to do smt but the character does smt else... or you try to do smt but the game doesn't react and you miss your chance... Oh well, still a wonderful game <3

My friend loves to play as Evie as well but I'm definitely playing Jacob every chance I get and I honestly get a lil pissy when I have to play as Evie bc I always prefer to play male characters, plus, I just like Jacob better bc he is a sweetheart. He is also canonically bisexual as hell!!! Have you met Abberline yet? The police officer? Him and Jacob together is one of my fave ships for the game. I also bought the ultimate/golden/whatever name it was edition so I had a bunch of extra outfits, I love the sherlock holmes outfit for Jacob but my friend keeps bullying me for it </3

Honestly? The time difference is the bane of my entire idea for the au bc if it's during their time Henry hasn't even graduated yet, and definitely not well-known enough for them to actively meet for whatever reason, and if you use the timeline for the jack the ripper dlc (in 1888) a lot of... Less than pleasant things happen so it wouldn't really make a lot of sense for a crossover to happen at that point but maybe it's just bc im a pussy and refuse to play the dlc. Rn, while imagining the au, I just imagine the 1868 timeline to be the same as the TGS timeline. I like to imagine the Frye Twins hearing about Henry and the Society and promptly breaking into his office to ask him to make poison and stuff for them. I also have a feeling that Jacob would flirt wildly with Henry and that Henry would be less-than-amused. It would also be a very fun thing with the fact that there would be two Henrys, with TGS Henry Jekyll and AC Syndicate Henry Green, soo... XD

[mandelene]

how should i deal with doctors who are dismissive of my condition(s)?

I'm so sorry to hear you're being dismissed. 😔

When I was having problems with my heart rate after having covid, the severity of what I was going through was minimized, and I kind of accepted it because I thought to myself, "well, I'm not a cardiologist, and I don't really know anything about my condition, and nothing the doctor told me sounds unreasonable, so I guess it is what it is." It wasn't until my mom (a nurse) yelled at me and told me to go back to the cardiologist that I realized I had to advocate for myself more.

I emphasized how bad my quality of life had become, and I told him that I didn't think the advice he gave me previously was enough because I'd been trying those things already and I still couldn't do basic tasks around the house without feeling completely winded and like I was going to collapse.

So I think it's really important to be blunt with your doctor and tell them how you're feeling and why you're concerned. And if they try to minimize/dismiss your issue, tell them that you still feel like you haven't been given a solution to the problem and you don't have peace of mind. Be honest and tell them you feel like your concerns haven't been addressed. Sometimes, you have to be a little insistent and let them know you're not satisfied with the care you've been getting. Be direct and tell them what you want from them/expect them to do.

If they're still not hearing you out after that, aren't giving you solutions or options, and you're not feeling any better, then you might want to get a second opinion from a different doctor. Or if you've been going to your primary care doctor, maybe they can refer you to a specialist who treats your kind of condition(s) regularly because specialists are usually more thorough and are more educated on the specifics of the conditions they treat.

It might help to come prepared with a list of questions/points you want to address at the appointment because sometimes if you get nervous or anxious, you might forget what you wanted to say. Bringing a relative/friend for moral support can also be helpful.

I find that I've usually only felt dismissed by new doctors who don't know me. Even though things shouldn't be this way and every patient should be treated equally -- if a doctor knows you well and likes you, they're likely going to be more compassionate towards you and more helpful.

Doctors are human and have biases just like everyone else. They may be making assumptions about you without even realizing it. They may assume you're exaggerating or shouldn't be taken seriously because of your age, gender, race, etc. It's terrible but it happens all of the time.

When in doubt, I talk to doctors whom I know I can trust regardless of what the problem is, like my primary care doctor or pulmonologist, because I value their opinions and know that they'll be able to connect me with good resources if they themselves can't fix the issue. So, if there's a doctor like that whom you can turn to, I'd talk to them and see if they could offer some suggestions/advice.

I hope everything works out for you! 💕

[thiscrimsonsoul]

Wanda, I've noticed that you wear a lot of rings. Why do you like them so much? Is it simply because they're cute or is there any meaning behind them? Anything to do with how you use your hands to project your powers? I love rings and I would like to wear them but I'm a tall girl with very thin fingers so my rings usually fall off ;-; Sad. I need smaller rings XD

“I do, yeah...” Wanda said, looking down at her hands where several rings lay on her fingers. “I don’t know why I like to wear so many. Well... a couple of them are special to me because Pietro stole them for me, so... I’ll never take them off if I can help it. But the others... I don’t know, I guess wearing them just gives me this sense of calm. Like a grounding feeling.”

“No matter what is going on or how nervous I feel, I can look down and still feel like myself. Still... feel... that I haven’t been changed by the world, that I’m not going to change. I can’t really explain it any other way than that. It’s part of my identity but also calming for me mentally. Because it’s my own aesthetic built with not just what looks good to me but also with sentimental pieces, and that core self is something I don’t ever want to be too strongly influenced by outside forces. If that makes any sense to you at all...” She smiled shyly, wondering if the other understood what she meant. “Also I’ve just always loved my hands. I use them to play music, to call my magic... and Pietro always used to hold my hands to comfort me when we were little. So why not adorn them a little if they mean so much to me. Right?”

“If you need smaller rings, try getting ones that are split in the back or that have a bypass design. Then you can kindof pinch them closed gently to make them a smaller size. I’ve had to do that with some of mine.”

__________

{out of paprikash} Okay, I’ll answer this both IC and OOC, because this is something that relates to the mun as well and I have a lot of headcanons regarding this. I wear many rings daily as well, two of which were given to me by my mother who is now deceased. I was very close to her, and while my other rings may change, those two never do. It’s a way of carrying her with me at all times, and there are times when I feel anxious or overwhelmed (like at a recent doctor appointment, for example), and I look down and feel comforted by having something with me that she gave to me. I headcanon that Wanda feels the same way about the rings she wears that were stolen for her by Pietro. Especially after his death, it’s a way to still feel close to him and carry him with her.

In addition to this, I know that at least for myself, my jewelry is part of my identity and personal expression. I have severe anxiety and one of the facets of that is social anxiety. Basically, every time I step out of my house I feel like I’m putting on a mask (and no, not the pandemic kind). I feel like I’m partly subconsciously and partly consciously trying to blend it, seem normal, act how others expect normal people to act, while on the inside I’m anxious, nervous, afraid, or upset depending on where I’m going and what I have to do. Wearing rings for me is like wearing emotional armor. When I look at them, I’m brought back to myself and what matters most to me. I can say... I’m still myself inside, even though I’m having to put on a face for the world. Some of the rings I wear are things I bought myself after novels I wrote to commemorate the accomplishment, or they have symbols that mean a lot to me, and like I said two were from my mother, so it’s like a profile of what’s most important to me sitting on my hands. So when I feel overwhelmed, not in control, anxious, etc. out in the world, I can look at them and remember who I am. It’s comforting to me.

Another point to mention is that... for myself and I know a lot of other people who have anxiety, pulling your hands inside sleeves is something that feels comforting. Whether it’s being able to clench your fists around the fabric, or not knowing what to do with your hands and now you can hide them, or whether you want to fidget with them but don’t want others to see, pulling them into sleeves can be comforting. Of all jewelry, rings are things you can see for yourself from your point of view. When you pull your hands inside your sleeves, you can still feel them, or if the sleeves don’t go all the way over your hands, you can still see them. Bracelets will get covered and lost. Necklaces unless they’re really long and earrings are more for others looking at you. But rings are very personal because you can touch them, play with them, see them, feel them in ways you can’t with other jewelry when it’s on you. I know people with anxiety who really love “spinner” rings or “puzzle” rings that one can play with in times of stress. It’s the same idea. And we all know that Wanda has anxiety and PTSD and that she does do the sleeve thing with her hands when she gets anxious... like when she made that really bad mistake in Lagos in Civil War and was watching new reports about it:

See? Hands in sleeves. But the rings are still visible. I don’t know, these are just things that I’ve noticed about myself as a person with anxiety who wears a lot of rings daily. I think some of them might also apply to Wanda. It would make a lot of sense to me if they did.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? I’d love to hear other people’s headcanons regarding this. And as always, if anyone else has any questions or comments about my headcanons, feel free to ask! I always enjoy asks like these! =)

[chitaprrr]

I Love You in New York City

Cast: Jung Jaehyun x female reader

Genre: fluff, romance

•••••••

Jung Jaehyun, 22 year old guy, who attend his bestfriend wedding party this morning in New York. His best friend, Johnny, just getting married.

It was a huge wedding party and Jaehyun was the only guest who attracted the most attention, even Johnny seemed to be less charming on his own wedding and he's already get used to it. Many women approached him but none of them caught his attention.

Jaehyun isn't the type of person who is in a rush to find someone, but seeing his one and only best friend finally gets married, he becomes worried.

After the wedding, Jaehyun took the time to relax in one of the cafes near his hotel, still with his suit, and continue reading his new novel that he bought yesterday. When he's about to reach the last pages in Chapter Three, he heard the bell jingle, which that means there's a customer had opened the door and went inside.

That's the first time he saw you; wearing your violet sparkling short dress. You just cut your long hair into shoulder-length hair, that may look normal to you, but is enough to attract his attention. He compeletly forgot his books, his coffee and his meal, he focused on you.

He caught his breath when suddenly you walking towards him, his eyes get wide when you're brave enough to sit in front of him as if you have known each other for a long time.

"Hello! I'm sorry for what happen next but I really need your help," you said.

Before Jaehyun ask you what's going on, you grabbed his hand and the door opened. He saw a guy, with a suit and he's scanning the whole room to looking for somebody. Then he landed his sight to the two of you and walk towards you. This guy is staring at you, feel suspicious and don't like what he sees.

"Who is he?" he asked.

"I'm her new boyfriend," Jaehyun, who knows your plan, answered; make you quite surprise on how confident he is.

"What are gonna do?" you ask, follow his plan.

"You're supposed to attend the wedding with me, not with him," the guy said, staring at you. "I flew from Seoul to New York just to meet you and we can come to your cousin's wedding."

"You're supposed to attend the wedding with your new girl that you're kissed at my birthday party, Mingyu," you said and Jaehyun quite surprised to hear that. He get it, you just get broken heart.

This guy, Mingyu, seems about to get mad but he held his emotion. He just took a deep breathe and leave you guys after that.

"Sorry and thank you," you said as you let go of his hand. You're not so sure, but you feel like this guy won't let your grip at the first.

Jaehyun smiled, seems like he didn't mind at all being touched by a stranger. "I'm okay, I love helping people."

You smiled a little.

"Ummm.. Your boyfriend cheating on you?"

"Ex-boyfriend, please," you correcting him. "Well yea, he was cheating on me, he's doing something terrible on my birthday party."

Jaehyun sighed. "Gosh, that's terrible."

You nodded, as you unconsciously took and eat one of his french fries. "He's such a jerk."

Then he scanning your outfit; your very formal outfit.

"Are you going to attend some kind of event? Wedding party if I'm not mistaken," he asked.

"Yeah, a wedding party. My mom asked me to bring someone, my future husband preciesly, because she really want me to get marry soon. But the fact me and boyfriend just broke up and my mother must be upset."

"Did your mom meet him already?"

You shook your head. "She hasn't saw him until we broke up."

"So.. are you still gonna attend the wedding or not?"

"I don't know," you feel depressed. "I'm so confused."

"Well you can take me."

You gasped. "What?"

"Yea, you can take me, we can make you mom feel proud and at least relieved because he saw you found someone."

You raised one of your eyebrows; is he really serious?

"I-I really appreciate your kindness but we're strangers, how can you be this kind?" you ask.

"Well, look at yourself; you're a stranger but brave enough to hold my hand," he said and you blushed. He giggled. "Beside, I have no friend here. My best friend just get married and I and I just came to his wedding a few moments ago."

You think for a while before you finally nodded. "Ah, I see. So, you're gonna help me?"

He nodded; confidently. "Beside, I'm still wearing this outfit."

You only smiled.

Jae offering his hand. "My name is Jung Jaehyun."

You grabbed his hand. "Hwang (y/n). Nice to meet you."

Jaehyun smiled and both of you get off from your seat.

•••

A few moments later you both already arrived at your cousin's wedding party. Not so many guests come because your cousin doesn't really like to invite many people. Only certain people he invited.

And just like usual, people will pay their attention towards Jaehyun because of his looks.

"(y/n)!" someone shouted.

You turned around and saw your cousin, looking gorgeous in his wedding suit. You walked over him and give him a hug. "Congratulation, Doyoung!" you said and pulled yourself. "Sorry I was late, something happened."

Doyoung smiled, showing his gummy smile. "That's fine, don't worry."

Then he notice, Jaehyun, who stand not so far from you. "Who is he?"

"Oh!" you turned at Jaehyun and Jaehyun smiled at you. "He is Jaebum-"

"Jaehyun," Jaehyun correcting you.

"Ah yes! Sorry, this is Jaehyun, my boyfriend," you laughed nervously.

Both of them shaking hands in such a good manner and introducing themselves. Jaehyun also congratulate him as if they're both already know each other.

"Hey, your mom is looking for you," Doyoung said to you.

"Really? Where is she?" you asked.

"Near the pool, she's talking with my mom."

"Okay, I'm gonna meet her. Thanks, Doy! Have fun!"

Then both of you leave Doyoung.

"Who's your mother's name?" Jae asked.

"Hwang Sora, my dad is Hwang Junhee but he passed away last year so you're not gonna see him," you said.

Jaehyun stop his steps and staring at you.

You turned around and raising one of your eyebrows. "What?"

"Nothing, I just a bit surpised when you explain everything, especially about your dad."

You giggled. "Well, that's the fact."

Jaehyun smiled and take a deep breath. "Are you ready to meet your mom?"

You looked up at him. "I think I should be the one asking you that question; are you ready to meet my mom?"

"Sure," he said, confidently.

You feel both amazed and surprised, this guy doesn't look nervous at all since earlier. Even though the fact is he really doesn't know anyone here because the only people here are your family; your people. He smiled politely to each person you introduced to him as if he would be part of your family.

"I adore your confident, Jaehyun," you said. "In fact, I'm the one who nervous here."

Jaehyun smiled. "Why? She's your mom after all."

You giggled. "Yeah, we're also friendly but I don't know why I feel nervous. Maybe it's because I'm worried that my mom isn't sure that you're my boyfriend or even my future husband."

He leaned closer which make your heart skip a beat. "You want me to be your future husband?"

You didn't answer him and only blink your eyes which make him laughed. Then he offering his large hand. "Come on, we must act like we're a couple."

You staring at his hand then grabbed it. Both of you walked towards your mother.

"Hi, mommy," you said as you both stood near her, who busy drinking tea with her friends.

Your mom turned around and immediately hugging you. You both laughed, it's been a few years you didn't came back to New York cause you've been busy with your study in Seoul.

"You're getting fat," your mom tease.

"Moooom~" you whinning.

She laughed then he notice the guy beside you. You can see through her eyes that she staring at your boyfriend a bit intense; she's examining.

"Ummm, mom," you said as you grabbed Jaehyun's arm. "This is Jung Jaehyun, he is my boyfriend."

Jaehyun smiled, grabbed your mom's hand and kissed it. "Good evening, Mrs. Hwang. My name is Jung Jaehyun and I'm your daughter's boyfriend."

You mom smiled while you keep praying that she believes and everything goes smoothly as you've planned.

"How long you've been dating?" your mom ask.

"Almost a year, we met at the Bukchon Hanok Village. I was lost and she show me the way. I was lost my way and she came the showed me the right way. Apparently we had the same direction; we were going to the traditional library there."

You really have no idea about how real and convincing Jaehyun's explanation is. You know when people lie; like they will unconsciously touch their nose, or they don't dare to look at the other person when they talk or they're scratching their back 'cause they're nervous.

But you didn't see those signs on Jaehyun, he was really calm, confident and he even smiled.

"What is your job?" your mom asked and that's the scariest question.

You turrned to your mom who unexpectedly smiled at him. She patted Jaehyun's arm and said, "I appreciate your honesty, many men approach my daughter and lie about their work just to get her attention."

"Well, just be hoenst I have no job for now, I just graduated from college a few months ago. I'm not gonna lie, Mrs., the college life was very difficult and even I almost gave up, I can give up easily because both of my parents are rich, my mom is a teacher and my dad is a doctor. I can take their money as if that's not a big problem for them. But that's not what my parents taught me, they taught me to always fight and not give up so easily. So, for now I haven't worked, but I've applied to several companies and there are even some companies that choose me to join them."

You caught your breath when you listen to his explanation, this one is real and you can feel it cause you've been through the same thing.

Jaehyun smiled. "Thank you, Mrs."

Your mom nodded and patted both of your shoulders. "Alright then, I am very happy to see you two. Go on, have fun and hope you guys get married soon."

You usually refuse or whinning when your mom talking about marriage. But when she talk about it with Jaehyun near you, you didn't feel uncomfortable at all; you hope a little.

Both of you leave your mom.

"I never thought you're gonna say that," you said.

Jaehyun smiled and take a deep breath. "Yeah me too. I was nervous, just be honest. I'm a good liar, aren't I?"

"You nervous? You didn't seems nervous at all!"

"Okay, so you actually want me to be nervous?"

You laughed and shook your head. "No no no. I'm sorry, you do a great job."

"Thanks, honey."

Your smile immediately disappears; you're surprised. "What?"

"I call you that cause you're my girlfriend and convince people here that I'm your boyfriend. You forgot the plan?"

You slowly smiled. "Y-yeah. You're right."

Then he wrapped his hand around your shoulder, which makes you shivered and a bit nervous. "Oh I have a question. Can you please tell me what happened in the cafe? Did you ex-boyfriend just chasing you or something?"

You sighed and nodded. "Yeah, but luckily he's not in the same hotel with me. He still didn't accept the fact that we're broke up. I planned to look for a taxi and came to the wedding party by myself but I had promised my mother to bring someone here. I can't think clearly at that time, then I just walk and I see you sitting near the window. And I choose you to help me. End of the story."

"Wow. Your life is seems like Korean drama. Do you watch any of it? You'll be the main cast."

You laughed. "Yeah, but not too much."

During the events, Jaehyun really treated you as his girlfriend; he hold your hand, he calls you in a very sweet names, he brings you food and drinks, asks how you are, do you want to just sit or walk around.

Suddenly you don't want all this to just be pretending. Deep inside your heart, you want everything to be real, especially when you take a family photo and of course Jaehyun has to join in because everyone believes that Jaehyun is your boyfriend. You admit it; you fell in love with Jung Jaehyun in only half a day.

A few hours has passed and the party is over. After saying goodbye to your mom, you and Jaehyun leave the party.

"Thanks for helping me," you said once both of you arrived in front of your hotel.

Jaehyun nodded. "Sure."

"This is.. not our last meeting, right? I just barely know you and I wanna be your friends. I wanna know you more, you seems nice."

Jaehyun blushed. "Aw, that's sweet. Unfortunately tomorrow morning is my last day here."

You surprised. "What?"

"Yeah, I've been here for 4 days and tomorrow I'll be back to Seoul."

You feel dissapointed when you hear that.

Jaehyun giggled as he hold your hand. "Hey! Why you suddenly become sad? I still have time until tonight."

"Yeah.."

He can feel your dissapointment. "How about this, tonight I'll take you for a walk. How is that?" he asked.

"Mmmm.. That's better."

"Meet me in the front of the coffee we've met earlier. I'll wait you there."

You smiled widely. "Okay."

"Great. Before that, can I have your number?"

You nodded and you both exchanged your phone numbers.

"Thanks," he said.

And you blushed when he suddenly winked at you before he went inside the car.

•••

It's almost 7 and you already on your way to the cafe. But when you're about to pass Jaehyun's hotel, a heavy rain suddenly came. "Oh my gosh!" you sighed while running to the hotel where Jaehyun stayed.

Once you get inside, you immediately calling Jaehyun. "Hello?"

"Hi, baby. It's raining outside, right?"

You didn't answer cause you're too flustered that he gave to you. "Y-yeah, and I'm already in your hotel. Do you mind if I stay?"

"Sure! Just wait me at the lobby, I'll pick you there."

"Oh! N-no! Just stay on your room and I'll come to your room."

"Ummmm.. Okay." Then he said his room and you just found out that he stayed in VIP room at the high floor.

Jaehyun opened the door once you knocked it. He smiled widely once he saw you. "Hello! Come in!"

You smiled and get inside his room.

"Make yourself comfortable. What do you want to drink? Tea or coffee? " he asked.

"Ummmm... A hot tea please."

"Alright."

You looking around and his room ia quite huge, especially for himself. You walked towards the window and you can see the New York's view from here.

"Tea is ready," Jaehyun said from behind you.

You both sat on the chair near the window and enjoy your hot drinks. You silently glancing at him who pay his attention to raining New York out here. He look so good in his t-shirt and his short pants.

"Wanna watch something?" he suddenly ask, making you gasp.

You shook your head. "No, thanks."

"Okay, so how's your mom?"

"Ummmm she's fine. She.." you stopped for a while, make Jaehyun looking at you. "She keep asking about you."

Jaehyun slowly smiled. "Oh yeah?"

"She likes you."

"Looks like our plan went pretty well," he smiled.

You smile faintly, feeling that everything just makes you confused. You both just pretending but in the end you fell in love with him. You suddenly remember all the things he had done to you at the party; the way he hold your hands, call you in such a sweet name and many others. You don't want that to stop and just disappear.

"(y/n)?" he called you.

You looked at him. "Yes?"

"You okay?"

You nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

No, I'm not sure, you said inside your mind. "Y-yeah, I'm pretty sure."

Suddenly there's a huge thunder, you even see the thunder clearly from the window and you scream really loud. Jaehyun stood from his chair hug you immediately; and you gasped. You're about to pull him but another thunder comes and you screamed again, made him tighten his hug.

"I'm so scared..." you cry as you burry your head on his chest.

"Sssshhh.. I got you, babe," Jae whispered.

That call again, you sighed.

The rain is getting heavy and you're not so sure if you can return your hotel or not.

"Hey, you okay?" Jae asked.

You sniffed. "I-I don't know."

Jae pulled his hug and staring at you. He hold your face in his arms and wipe your tears. "I'm here, don't be afraid."

"Why you are so kind to me?" you asked, almost whispering.

His forehead frowned. "What?"

"Why you keep being so nice to me?"

"Is that wrong?"

"This is isn't part of our plan," you said as you stood up. "Y-you should stp. You should be as sweet as this, act like my boyfriend, treat me with kindness and protect me like this only when we were at the wedding party. I think I should-"

And he suddenly pressed his lips againts yours. You gasped and about to pull him away but he hold you very tight. No matter how hard you tried, he's stronger than you and you give up in the end. You slowly closed your eyes and melted in hiss kiss. You wrapped your hands around his neck and bring him closer.

"I'm sorry but I'm in love with you," he whispered as he broke the kiss. He kissed you again. "I'm sorry." Kiss. "I can't help myself." Kiss. "I love you, baby."

"Jae.." you broke the kiss but he pressed hiss lips againts you again.

He finally broke the kiss and let you catch your breath.

"I don't want pretending anymore, my love isn't fake and when I said to your family how great I am for having you, I want it to be real. I wanna own you, I wanna have you and I want you to be mine," he said.

You looking at him, but he already looking at you deeply, deeplier than you. "Are you serious?"

He nodded as he touch your cheek. "I think I fell in love with you in just one day."

You smiled as you grabbed his neck. "Yeah, me too."

He leaned closer and kiss your lips again. "So, can we stop pretending? Let's be real?"

You smiled and nodded. "Sure. Let's start everything."

He giggled and kissed you again as he wrapped his arms around your body. "I love going to New York, at first I refused but then... everything changed. I found you in New York City. "

••••

This is my first story. Hope you like it!

[the-firebird69]

And it was him not the Judd lady and he decided to work it backwards and he failed and people saw him there and didn't see her and the one I've been one of armed man is b*******.

Going up there to take the robots and use judd as cover. And she's still dead she had disease cancer throughout and probably would remain dead. There's a lot of morlocks I think they know how it works.

Carmen was running the northern shatteredome that's a 400 but really it's around 450 miles wide 700 deep. It was oblong and it was stuffed probably about 10,000 trillion no 10,000 quadrillion robots and several 100s and more and up to date too

Hera Zues okay I know I'm okay you'll be fine we have a lawsuit in and we'll just have to take out your second one that's terrific you numbskull. I know what you mean it's kind of a strange feeling but they are holding you down a lot and bother you a lot it's something made you sick a weak you would start doing it again he's a jerk. So I'm okay it's kind of tough up here though I'm getting out in October and their friends and family lots of family it's pretty much indistinguishable between the human being and I'm going to see that too I couldn't tell that I was not a human and I was Jen. I had the same problems I had the same features I felt the same I'm going to be fine so they're there to help you and protect you and that's one of their duties and I think they plan to in the first place I think so too I can't wait to get out of here this rock and go back to Mars no but it's going to be fine I thank you for talking to me cuz if you need to talk to me I'm here all the time besides in the future I'm going to be your only doctor that's very funny mister psychology not psychiatry I agree too I'll be okay just a matter of letting go it's really a crutch and it was disabling me and it was harming you but I do understand what I'm saying it's our relatives and they're going to be mean and they also do things and it's a race need to have friends you know well it's always Mike and ron. There's a few others now this is me I accept that you're my friend right yes always I have to be we're married I see what you're saying down here so give me a call... I understand Breath since making me feel better..ok ok it's hard ken you louse!!

Thor Freya

Olympus

We issue APB on Ken it seems that she's nervous about him getting hurt and angry that he did it to her what would our friend says is she's probably doing things to her and say things threats I'm going to reveal where you are and so forth cuz she probably did a lot of work on it true too relatives are doing that to them but the APB is going out

Mac

I'm disgusted you took our friendship and took it to a new level okay that's what I'm saying what you're saying is sometimes it's hard to hear and see cuz you want to have that Band-Aid but with Mom it was really easy to hear and disgusting I don't know if you're going through that or not I was going through with her and him more so when she was letting him do it and they're disgusting with her small and they're saying it everyday knowing little s**** especially Ken that f** we can leave a piece of s*** they're worse than them making everyone suck too little idiots then one and he probably has control over those robots already everyone's going after him it's kind of fun now I feel better but he understands what I'm saying and why you don't need to know me people you never care about anything

Hera

It's called separation anxiety and because there's a situation they're kind of alone without their clan even though they're abusive they used to abuse others more and get stuff to him but I can do that and others can do that it's not the end of the world he'll be fine it wasn't really helping him

Mac

My husband says if she wasn't he wasn't or whatever he was wasn't doing anything and he sincerely was not he didn't get that at all it's a loser so it's nothing lost cuz he's just this a****** say he hates everyone too and haven't seen it out loud I paid turned out to be a loser

Hera

I don't know what this greater stuff is but Dad did it too it's kind of just crappd it out. And it was mean too on his way out didn't say anything about helping me or what to do

Hardly fought for his life at all I was a little pissed off no will in testimony didn't tell me nothing the only thing you told me was I had a great life and I did a lot of things in it and I had enough time like okay and it didn't say anything about asking loving us or anything he's a joke okay. Minnesota feel too good and he didn't he didn't care it took me to the hospital but that was the people f****** around me so it's like living in this la la Land at the same time mom was a complete useless wreck.

Zues

I found awful things what they were doing your mom and dad too just sitting there in front of you the pieces of s*** like you said second to know him one point you're thinking I'm not dying you're the one dying and you're sitting there acting like me I made sense and he's going who cares I don't want sympathy also he looks up and it says it doesn't matter they just want my stuff and you talked about it I said this just means it for us didn't get in she talked to Will and Bill now because they think they'll get it he says I suppose so and he starts to try a little and enough for people to know and thank you actually and she's like that's about it figured out what he was saying she says this you can't take it on the bodies because you can the other supplements take with food you can put them into the food before you eat it doesn't work as good but also to get mad he says what are you people doing to me I think that it won't happen to them it'll get really mad and said it will and a few of them start dying no I don't know that's reality but nobody lives there anymore so they all started die and they didn't care same as here A bunch of lactose

So you broke it or what I was saying I'm a little upset that he came to my side and says he's helping it's true it's a hard story he get wippy a little bit but I'm okay he's going down piece of crap yes he is and he demands to know where the shatteredome is is joking with me we're a team but like flick of class and he says no we're not like clicking clack like Captain America and Captain Marvel and that's what I characters and we save people we do things correct now I'm going to go up there and take a look it's going to be closer for me so far I've done damage she says which is what I want to do

Hera

Zues

[deeisace]

These are the same "I have a lie-in, time to think about things" thoughts I was having last week, but still

Like I'm scared, I'm nervous of the zoom meeting appointment next month, cs I like I don't have a list of things

Y'know like, I feel like most people, they'd've thought about things, and got to a point where they know, yep, I want this to happen, or no, I don't want that

I don't know that I pushed it away cs it wasn't possible for years, or if I actually don't want things, or if I'm leaning in too much to my mum's "you have to be very careful" thing, if I'm alright as I am, or if I could be better, y'know

I have no idea, cs obviously I've had this body for like 15 years or smth, and before that I was a kid who didn't care about anything (except more maths homework, and finding good trees to read in) - like I don't have a concept of being without, y'know, tits and periods, any more, it's just a thing you deal with, that's how it is - so I don't know how I'd, y'know, react to getting on T or getting top surgery

So isn't it best to go without, and just keep on how I am? It's not that bad

It's not amazing, but there's no guarantee that going through the list would be any better, really

Like. I don't like my how wide my hips are, and I don't like how my voice gives me away, but I don't know that the vocal changes would be worth the, everything else, y'know?

So I spose T is not for me

I know that there's no need for going through the list, y'know, and that I'm who I am without, obviously, but it still feels rather like I ought to do all these things, that's what you're supposed to do

Which is nonsense, I do know that, it's just a hard notion to shake, I guess

So, if T isn't for me, which it isn't, really, cs I can't have my voice without all the rest

Top surgery, I also don't know about

As I say, this body is fine ("fine", I don't mean "fine"), I have no major gripes with it

It would be a fair sight easier were I could fit the clothes I like easier

Tho, still, my hips are a nuisance - in women's sizes, I'm a 12 for tops and 16 for trousers, and I often have to go for a medium in men's tops, regardless that the rest of me would fit a small, else whatever it is is all bunched at my hips or I can't zip it up or something - I wear high waisted trousers, often, because I can't ever do all the shirt buttons up

So maybe that's smth of a moot point, idk

It is, I feel tho, not just my voice but my chest as gives me away to other folk, so it would be good in that regard, to have, theoretically, less people apologise for gendering me in the right direction

It'd also be good, away from the gender aspect, in that I'm scared of, and at high risk of, getting cancer - it goes back three direct generations in my family, it's probably inevitable

But it would be less inevitable, were I get top surgery

When my nan got primary cancer for the second time, I was still a kid, and nobody told me at the time, but apparently they were considering, well, basically giving me top surgery, as a preventative measure - that never happened, cs my nan got some test back to show it wasn't hereditary - somehow, idk

Ha, but if it had, I wouldn't be in this quandary, would I?

But on top of all that is, I'm terrified of doctors

I just don't go

Hospitals don't scare me, or needles or blood or anything, really, but the idea of exams and things, absolutely terrifies me

Like, cs of the aforementioned situation, I should have been having regular exams - smear tests, is that what they're called, and mammograms too - for years now, since I was 21, but I just, I can't force myself to do it - I can't make the appointment, let alone walk in the building

It's making me cry just thinking about it

And because of that, I imagine that going to have top surgery would be just the same, and I just, I can't - even though, it would make my life easier in several ways, I just

Same reason I'm not on birth control to stop my periods either, it would make my life easier, but I just can't even think about it, let alone actually, as I say, make the appointment and walk in the building

So I spose, in a way, it's all a moot point, idk

I'm very very nervous about the zoom meeting appointment, partially cs I'm not asking for anything (that is what the appointment's for, isn't it?), and also that I haven't had to explain myself to anyone in years

I don't much like the thought of that, and what do I say anyway?