#I mean if Black Hat HATES cookies...then White Hat must love them?

[earlgreydream]

butterbeer.

| draco malfoy x hufflepuff!reader | fluff |

a/n: requested by my dearest hufflepuff, @fitzfiles​ i’m so soft for draco 

You sat curled up in the Hufflepuff common room, your thick herbology book resting on your lap. Cedric was beside you on the couch in his golden quidditch sweater, smiling kindly at you. 

“Do you see? In order to care for the mandrakes, you must bury them in the soil like this,” you showed Cedric your notes. Every Friday afternoon was spent tutoring Cedric in herbology after your shared class. 

“Yes. You’re much better than Sprout at explaining it. You should become the new herbology professor when the bloke finally retires.” Cedric grinned at you. 

“I like Professor Sprout! That would be fun though!” You giggled. 

“Oi, Y/N! Your boyfriend is griping to be let in here,” One of the Hufflepuff girls called to you as she entered the common room. You smiled at her apologetically, squeezing Cedric’s shoulder as you stood. You walked to the painting, letting it swing open to reveal Draco Malfoy. 

“Hi,” you smiled at him, and he gazed at you softly with a loving smile. His usual arrogance and sharpness was gone from his expression as he looked at you with utter adoration. 

“Hi, darling,” he stepped into the common room, kissing your forehead lightly. 

“Cedric.” He nodded, greeting your best friend. Draco had been a bit prickly toward him when the two of you first began dating, but he warmed up when he realized that Cedric wasn’t a threat. 

“We’re not quite finished. Do you mind?”

“I’ll wait. You can’t go in this anyways.” he said, nodding to your school uniform you hadn’t changed out of.

“I know, darling. It’s warm in here and I haven’t had the chance to change.” 

You walked back over to the couch, and he sat on the floor on a golden cushion, his head resting against your thigh. You lightly ran your fingertips through his snowy white locks as you leaned over your herbology book, helping Cedric identify the differences between the plants for your O.W.L.S. 

The other Hufflepuffs no longer stared at Draco, now used to having him in their common room. Draco was often hanging around, enjoying the warmth and coziness, and the way he was welcomed. He found that he much preferred it to the chilly, marble elegance of the Slytherin commons. 

One of the second-year girls walked over, setting down a plate of pumpkin pastries.

“Y/N, Draco, Cedric, have some,” She said sweetly, smiling at the three of you and sitting down across from the Slytherin prince. 

“Draco, would you maybe look at my potions paper? I swear Professor Snape hates me, and I’m nervous.” She asked shyly, and Draco sat up. 

“Of course, let me see.” He took the paper from her hand, and she moved to sit beside him. You smiled down at your boyfriend, and the kind way he spoke to her. 

“This is great, but you should add here that polyjuice potion takes a long time to make...” He fell into soft chatter with her, showing her where her paper could be stronger. Draco was gentle, careful to praise the younger student on what she did well. It warmed your heart, and you turned back to finish with Cedric. 

“This is perfect. I’ll put in a good word for you too, with Snape. Please, I’m always happy to help you or tutor you if you need it, alright?” he asked her as she stood.

“Thanks, Draco.”

“Of course.” 

“I love it when you’re sweet.” You said, leaning down over Draco and kissing the tip of his nose. He stood, helping you to your feet and taking your heavy textbook for you.

“I’m still mean!” He teasingly defended himself and you shook your head at him with a small smile.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Pansy that you’re secretly nice,” you teased back and he followed you to your dorm. 

He set your textbook down on your desk, mindlessly folding the various clothing you had tossed over the back of your chair or top of the trunk at the end of your bed. He was extremely neat, always folding your clothes or putting things back in their places whenever he visited your dorm. 

“Y/N, is this my quidditch sweater I’ve been looking for?” He asked as you pulled a yellow Hufflepuff jumper over your head, letting it fall over your black skinny jeans. 

“Um, no, it belongs to my other boyfriend who plays on the Slytherin quidditch team,” you answered with a straight face. 

“You’re dating Theo behind my back?” Draco asked, humor laced in his voice.

“No, sorry, the other one,” you bit back a giggle as he reached for you, tickling your sides and making you squeal.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m yours, Draco!” You squealed, trying to escape as your laughter interrupted your breathing. 

“That’s right. You’re mine,” his voice dropped a few octaves, making you shudder with a small smile on your face. 

“It doesn’t smell like you anymore. You can have it back.” 

“Oh, I can have it back?” he smirked, pulling. you into a kiss. 

“But I want another one in return.”

“Y/N, that jumper is mine too. And that one.” He pointed, and you rolled your eyes.

“You have plenty. You can share.” 

“Come on, let’s get going.” 

Draco wrapped a scarf around your neck and fastened the buttons on the coat like you were a child. You knew he was just doing it because he cared, and you let him, taking any affection you could get from Draco. 

“Where are your gloves, honey?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted, and he frowned.

“It’s cold, you can’t keep losing them.” 

“I know, let’s go now. I’ll find them later, for next time,” you begged.

“You can hold my hands so they don’t get cold, and my coat has pockets.” 

“Alright, love, come on,” Draco wrapped an arm around your waist, holding you to him as you apparated to Diagon Alley. 

You shivered as snowflakes gently dusted into your hair, the freezing air nipping at your skin. You squeezed Draco’s hand, and he led you through the bustling street, weaving through groups of people. Draco was right, it was cold, but you didn’t dare complain, not wanting a lecture from your boyfriend about how you should keep better track of your gloves and hat. 

“Y/N, go ahead,” he gently pushed you in front of him as he opened the door to the Leaky Cauldron, helping the two of you escape the cold. 

Draco kept a hand on the small of your back, leading you through the crowded pub. You squeezed through the crowded area, and ascended a flight of stairs to the second level. You smiled when you saw your favorite spot was open, a window bench with lots of pillows and a street view. You took a seat in the large round window, and Draco settled beside you. 

“What can I get for you two?” A waitress asked.

“Butterbeer for us both, please.” You said politely, and Draco added vanilla cookies. She smiled and promised to have your order soon.

“Thanks for helping me escape school. I needed some “us time” away from it all,” you told Draco, who planted a kiss to your lips. He tasted like sage and vanilla, and his kiss was sweet and gentle. 

“Of course, I love spending time with you,” Draco wrapped an arm around your waist, and you leaned into his side, your head resting on his shoulder. He turned and kissed the crown of your head, his fingers lightly tracing the embroidery on the sleeve of the coat you wore. 

The waitress returned with your drinks, and you grinned, leaning forward and wrapping your hands around one of the glass mugs. Draco smiled at your excitement. He loved seeing you happy, even if it was over small things, like a warm drink on a cold day. You were so sweet. You were kind to everyone, especially him, and he loved you for it. You were the breath of fresh air and the gentleness he needed in his life, and he was profoundly in love with you. He adored you, and he was secretly happy when you stole his sweaters, because he loved to give them to you. 

A tiny silver necklace with a moon charm always rested beneath your collar, matching the one he war. He’d given it to you as a gift on your birthday, three years ago when the two of you started dating, and you never took it off. It made him happy to see you wear it proudly. Sometimes, he would watch you from afar, seeing your fingers touch the pendant lightly whenever you missed him. He’d walk up to you then, and see your face light up with joy when you saw him.

“Draco, can I have one of your vanilla cookies?” you asked sweetly, looking up at your boyfriend expectantly. 

He held out the plate to you, and you picked up the top one off the small pile with a smile. You bit into the soft cookie, smiling at him gratefully. He kissed your cheek, and you fed him a piece. He lightly nipped at your fingertip, making you squeal with delighted laughter. 

“Don’t bite!” You giggled, pecking his lips, which now tasted like sugar and butterbeer. 

“M’sorry, love,” Draco laughed, not sorry at all. 

The two of you played chess on the tabletop with a small set the pub had while you drank the butterbeer and finished off the cookies. You watched the snow fall outside, and Draco tried to teach you chess strategies, though you were mostly lost. 

“That’s alright. It’s getting late, anyway.” Draco said when the two of you got stuck in your match, the empty mugs long forgotten. You looked up, seeing that the sun had set, and the only light outside came from buzzing street lamps. 

You held Draco’s hand tightly as you stepped out into the cold night, burying your face in his shoulder as the two of you walked back to a side street where you could apparate back to Hogwarts without being seen. You held your breath as Draco waved his wand, and you were suddenly back in your dormitory, disturbing your once-sleeping cat. 

“Will you stay?” You asked Draco, and he nodded, a small smile pulling at his lips. 

“Of course.” He kissed you, wrapping his arms around your waist and hugging you.

You hung up your coat and scarf, slipping your boots off and placing them in the bottom of the wardrobe. Draco draped his slacks, sweater, and undershirt over your chair, and pulled one of his jumpers you had stolen over his head. You stripped before pulling another over your head, his last name stitched on the chest. You turned to see Draco was pulling down your duvet, and you smiled at him softly. 

You walked over, freeing your hair from your plait and picking up your brush from the dresser. Draco’s pale fingers wrapped around the brush, prying it from your grasp. You smiled up at him as he gently brushed the tangles from your hair, helping you get ready for bed. You sat on the sheets, knees pulled to your chest, and Draco softly dragging the brush through your hair. You were nearly asleep when he finished, yawning as you sat up. 

“Get some sleep, love.” He slipped into bed behind you, pulling the duvet to cover you both. He murmured a spell to shut off the lights, darkness falling gently over the two of you. 

He wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling your back against his chest, settling with you into his arms. 

“Goodnight, Draco.” You whispered, and he kissed the back of your head.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” 

[berrynarrybanana]

Holiday Wishes, Mistletoe Kisses

A/N: This was meant to be a blurb, but I got carried away. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it, but I wanted to post some Christmassy stuff in between now and Deck the Halls, so here’s a little something. It’s basically over a thousand words of Harry pining for some girl he just met. That seems to be my favorite trope, yeah? Anyways, I hope you enjoy and I hope that you all remember that Christmas isn’t about what you have or what you’re able to give, it’s about spending time with the people you love the most. I’m always here for you all if you need me and I love you loads. Thank you! 

Word Count: 5.1K+

Warnings: A little smut, pining, flash forward, ofc

Prompt: “You’re wearing the Santa hat, whether you like it or not” | Taken from this post here! 

It wasn’t that Harry hated Christmas. 

He loved spending time with his family, drinking mulled wine and talking shit with his Mum and Sister on the couch until the morning light. He loved the Christmas cookies that everyone seemed to bake just for him. Every single one of his friends would wrap them up in cute, candy cane striped cellophane bags with a little bow as if they were worried he’d been deprived of sweets. He loved the warmth that enveloped him when he stepped into any building, dodging the cold winter winds and brutal snowflakes that hit his skin. He loved most things about the season, but he truthfully hated the actual holiday itself.

He hated the music, each song covered by about twenty different artists, (yet, they always sounded the same, somehow), playing on a loop on every single Christmas station. He hated how rude people were in the shops and on the road, as if their time was more important than anyone else's. He hated the stigma around giving expensive gifts, stressing over the perfect thing to get each of his friends. If he could, he’d give them all something homemade, but he was shit at doing anything crafty. 

His boots crunched against the snow as he walked towards his mother’s front door. 

He let himself in, kicking his shoes off before he removed his scarf and his winter coat. He could hear laughter from the kitchen, Gemma and his Mum giggling far too loud. They must have cracked into the mulled cider a little early, and truthfully, he was jealous. He’d spent the last four hours stuck in traffic listening to white Christmas over and over and over again. He shut the front door as Evie wrapped herself around his legs, her soft purring catching his attention as he glanced down at the black and white kitten. 

“Hiya, darling girl.” He crouched down, scooping her into his arms before he delivered a series of kisses over her head. “Daddy’s missed you, eh. Have you been good for your nan?”

She meowed in response, causing Harry to coo at her before he scratched under her chin. 

“That’s my girl.” He pressed another kiss to the top of her head before setting her back to the ground. 

He knew they would indulge in several cuddle sessions over the next few days, so he wasn’t worried about missing his one and only pet this holiday season. He walked through the house, finding his way into the kitchen where Gemma was tipping back a glass of dark red liquid, and his Mum was rolling out cookie dough with a bright smile on her face. What Harry wasn’t expecting, was the curly haired girl with a cookie cutter in her hand next to his Mum.

“Hello!” He called out, offering a smile as he walked over to the kitchen island. “I see we’ve started having fun already.”

“It took you forever to get here!” Gemma said defensively, picking up a chocolate kiss before tossing it at Harry. “Do you want a drink?”

“Something hot, it’s like the bloody tundra outside.” He shivered at the thought of the harsh wind, his eyes trailing back towards the new girl. 

“Stella makes the best peppermint hot chocolate you’ve ever had in your life.” Gemma groaned out, her eyes rolling back in her head. “She puts peppermint vodka in there.”

“I can make you one if you’d like?” Stella’s voice was soft and painfully american. “We’ve got a slow cooker full of hot chocolate.”

“If you don’t mind.” Harry gave her a smile as he pulled out a stool, sitting next to Gemma. “Nice to meet you, Stella. I’m Harry, by the way.”

“She knows who you are.” Gemma reached over, pinching Harry’s side. “Stella is a new transfer at work. She’s new to England, and we thought we’d show her a proper English Christmas.”

“Stella, love, you should probably find another family to spend Christmas with if you want a proper English Christmas.” Harry snorted. “Ours is half arsed at best.”

“We have a lovely Christmas, thank you.” Anne piped up, flicking flour in Harry’s direction as Stella laughed softly. “Don’t scare the poor thing off, we’ve just made her feel at home.” 

Stella turned her back, walking towards the stove.

“I suppose we do have a good time.” Harry hummed out. “I can’t wait to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas for the millionth time.” 

“They’ve got an animated one now!” Gemma exclaimed. “We’re going to do a double feature.”

“Lovely.” Harry rolled his eyes. 

Moments later, a steaming mug of hot chocolate laced was placed in front of Harry. 

He looked down at the grinch mug before looking back up at Stella. 

“Thanks.” He offered her a smile, but she merely nodded back at him before taking her place next to Anne again. 

He watched her, sipping at his drink as Gemma and Anne chatted about some Hallmark movie that was meant to premiere at some point during the week. She wasn’t normally the type of girl that he dated, but he had to admit that she was beautiful. Her cheeks were round, a soft blush smeared over them that he assumed came from a makeup product. Her lashes were thick, and long, shadowing her hazel colored eyes. She had thick brows that seemed a little unruly, and plump lips stained with a plum colored lipstick that matched her smoky, purple eyeshadow. He wasn’t a huge fan of the plum color, but he had to admit that it brought out a lot of the warmer tones in her eyes and in her beautiful, brown skin. He also thought that it complimented the lighter strands in her curly brown hair that bounced about everytime she turned her head. 

He tried not to be too obvious with his curious gaze, but he couldn’t help it. He was almost mesmerized by her beauty, but he was more so confused by his attraction to her. She was far too quiet for his taste, her eyes cast down on the cookies she’d been cutting out for the last few minutes while everyone else chatted. 

He watched her place them on the tray carefully, obsessing over how they landed before she reached for the colored icing. He watched her pipe onto the little shapes, her tongue nestling in the corner of her mouth as her unsteady hands worked diligently on the cookies. 

This was a Styles family Christmas, and the Styles were a rowdy and messy bunch. He’d never seen his Mum or Gemma put that much work into sugar cookies before, and it was almost painful to watch her perfect each and every one before she slipped the tray in the oven. He watched her reach for the cheeky little chicken shaped oven timer that Gemma bought when his Mum fist moved into this house. In all of those years, he’d never seen anyone actually use it. 

“Did you hear me, my little turtle dove?” Anne brushed her hand over Harry’s back as he sipped at his cocoa. “They’re calling for a huge storm this weekend, are you packed for that?”

“I left some stuff here the last time I was around.” He turned his head, smiling back at her. “I think I should be fine if I get stuck with you lot.” 

“Good.” She nodded, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “I’ve missed you.” 

“Missed you too, Mumma.” He wrapped an arm around her back, pulling her into a hug. 

The warm scent of vanilla and musk greeted his senses, flooding him with comfort and nostalgic memories of cuddling with Mum on the couch. He missed having her around him. He missed having his best friend around to comfort him when he needed it the most. When he let go of her, his heart sank a little in his chest. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head before moving back to work on more cookie dough. 

“Why are you making so many cookies?” He asked, brows furrowing as he brushed his fingers over the sickly green mug with the cartoon characters face on it. “Do you plan on feeding an army?”

“No, but Stella suggested that we take some down to the local homeless shelter on Christmas Eve.” Anne smiled over at the girl. “That’s her family's Christmas tradition, and since she’s not with them this year, we thought we’d make it happen for her here.”

“Thank you again, for agreeing to this.” Stella smiled at Anne. “It really means the world to me, and I can’t thank you enough.”

“You’re a part of the family now, dear.” Anne teased. “Even if you’re not spending Christmas with us, this little tradition of yours has been officially integrated into our own Christmas tradition. We’ll always have a little bit of Stella with us during the Holiday’s now, eh.”

Stella laughed at that, reaching her arms out to wrap Anne in a hug. 

Harry almost felt a little jealous at how seamlessly she fit in here. 

“If you keep staring at her, she’s gonna want to run back to America.” Gemma nudged her elbow into his side. “We get it, she’s hotter than you.”

“Oh, shut up.” Harry rolled his eyes at Gemma as she smirked. “I wasn’t staring.”

“Okay, Casanova.” She snorted. “Whatever you say. 

**

Harry wasn’t sure why he was hard. 

He just wanted to close his eyes and go the fuck to sleep. 

After a long day of travel, and an even longer evening filled with Harry pulling down Christmas decorations from the attic, he just wanted to sleep. He wasn’t looking forward to taking the annual trip to the Christmas Tree Farm tomorrow. Since Robin passed, Harry was the only man in the family, which meant that he often had to do the heavy lifting. He found that most of his strength lay in his core, despite the amount of lifting he’d done to buff up his arms, and he wasn’t looking forward to tossing a tree on top of his car while everyone watched. 

Truthfully, that was the worry that should have been plaguing his mind as he lay in bed. Instead, his mind was lost in hazel colored waves that crashed on dark plum shores. He couldn’t stop thinking about Stella’s eyes or her perfectly shaped lips. He spent most of his night watching her drink from a wine glass, her cheeks turning a shade darker with each joke that she shared with his family. If there was one thing that he was shocked about, it was the dry humor that tumbled from her perfect plum colored lips. She was a funny girl, despite being quiet, and he laughed at every single joke she told without shame. 

As he shifted his about, trying to avoid any further thoughts about her lips, the tip of his cock brushed against the warm flannel of his pajama pants. He let out a throaty groan, reaching down to push his palm into the crotch of his pants to soothe the pressure building in his lower belly. He couldn’t jack off to the thought of Gemma’s new friend, it would be awful, and it would surely land him on the naughty list. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best not to picture her lipstick staining his lower belly, his upper thighs, and eventually...the shaft of his cock. But after a few minutes of trying not to think about it, that was the only thing he could see behind closed eyes. 

With an annoyed grumble, he dipped his hand into his pajama pants, tugging his cock out while his free hand pushed the band of the pants down his hips. He licked over his dry lips, making a mental note to buy some chapstick tomorrow as he gave himself one, swift stroke. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to moan as he brushed the pad of his thumb over the weeping slit of his cock. He was pathetic, dripping down his cock over a girl that he barely knew. He couldn’t believe that he was being that guy right now, tugging at his cock desperately to the thought of a beautiful girl on her knees for him. He wanted so badly to have her there, whispering filthy words in that gentle tone she had, encouraging him to cum on her tongue. 

When he did cum, her name spilled from his lips. 

His chest was heaving as he came down, the tinkling of Stella’s laughter filling his ears. 

Seconds later, he heard her bid goodnight to Gemma before the door next to his own shut. 

He was totally fucked for this girl. 

**

The next morning, he didn’t expect to see Stella sitting at the breakfast bar when he came downstairs. 

He stopped in the doorway, his cheeks growing warm as he looked over her sweater covered back. Thoughts of her name tumbling from his lips last night flooded back as he looked at her. She was wearing a lavender colored, cable knit sweater, and her curls were tied up in a messy ponytail on top of her head. Most of the curls had fallen out, covering up some of her neck alongside her fingers. Her cheek was propped on her palm, her gaze focused on her laptop as she lifted a mug of steaming liquid up to her mouth with her other hand. 

Harry cleared his throat, walking toward the stove so he could put the kettle on. No one else in the house would be up for hours, but Harry couldn’t turn off his internal alarm clock no matter how he tried. He also hoped that he might find a moment of peace from the very girl sitting in his Mother’s kitchen. She haunted his dreams, her face playing on the silver screen in his mind all night long. He hated how infatuated he was with this woman that he barely even knew. 

“Morning.” She spoke up first, her voice scratchy and tired. “Did you sleep well?”

“Splendid, yeah.” He nodded, filling the kettle with water. “You?” 

“I’ve slept better, but that’s to be expected.” She said softly. “I spent a little bit of time on a skype call with my brother’s, so I was up longer than expected.” 

“But you’re up fairly early this morning, aren’t you?” He put the kettle on the stovetop before turning around, his eyes landing on hers. “Why’s that?”

“I wake up this early anyways.” She smiled at him. “I usually like to go for a walk in the morning to wake myself up.”

“That’s nice.” He lifted his hand, scratching at the stubble on his jaw. “I usually like to go for a swim or a run in the morning, too.”

“Where do you swim?” She asked. 

“There’s a men’s swimming club not too far from my home in London.” He said. “It’s freezing cold, but you get used to it after a while.”

“Jeeze, you swim outside in this weather?” She lifted her head from her palm, her eyes growing wide. “I could never.” 

“It’s an acquired taste.” He chuckled softly. “What are you working on?”

“A new piece for my blog.” She said. “I started out using it as a diary of sorts, but people apparently love reading about the disaster that is my life.”

“I’m sure it’s not all horrible.” He hoped that he sounded encouraging and not rude. “You seem like a lovely, and positive person.”

“I try to be.” She shrugged, reaching for her mug. “I could say the same about you.”

“I try to be.” He smiled at her. “Would you like some breakfast?” 

“Oh, I was actually thinking of popping down to this little bakery Gemma told me about-” 

“Mandeville’s.” His heart picked up, a smile stretching across his lips. “Had my first job there.”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” She laughed, wrapping both hands around her mug as she leaned back in the barstool. “I figured I’d go grab some pastries for everyone. I know it’s kind of a busy day with the Christmas Tree Farm, so I thought it would be best if your Mum didn’t feel the need to cook.”

“She would love that.” Harry said. “Maybe I could go with you? We could both get our walks in, and I can see Mary before she hunts me down and drags me to the bakery.”

“I would love the company.” She smiled. “But enjoy your tea first, I’ll just be working on this until we’re ready to go.”

“Cheers.” He nodded, watching her eyes drop to her computer screen. 

She wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup this morning, and Harry almost wished that she was. 

He wished that she had covered up her beautiful, freckle covered skin so that he didn’t fall harder for her beautiful face. He wished that she was hiding away those little blemishes that made him swoon, because she was actually a human after all, not some angel sent down from heaven to torture him. He wished that she covered those beautiful lips in that plum lipstick again so that he could imagine kissing it off of her. He hated the feeling stirring inside of his belly, the butterflies a tell tale sign of his feelings. 

He had a crush on Stella. 

And there was nothing he could do to stop himself from falling for her. 

**

Stella’s gloves were precious.

They were a bright red, little snowflakes and reindeer stitched into them. 

She offered to let Harry borrow a pair of her gloves, claiming that she’d brought plenty of pairs for the winter, but he politely declined before shoving his hands in his pockets. She looked so cozy, wrapped up in her winter coat with a beanie on top of her head and a matching scarf tied around her neck. Harry wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and cuddle her so that they could both stay nice and toasty on their walk. He wanted to kiss her bare cheeks, paying special attention to each freckle on her skin as the winter sun cast over them. 

He was so infatuated with her that it was almost embarrassing. 

“I can’t even imagine what it was like, growing up in a place like this.” Stella turned her head towards Harry, the tip of her nose a little red. “It’s so picturesque.”

“It’s alright.” He gave her a small smile. “I always wanted to get out when I was a kid.”

“Of course you did, we all do.” She chuckled. “I think everyone should run away for a little while, it really gives you all of the tools you need to really appreciate your hometown when you go back. I don’t know that I’ll ever move back to my hometown, but when I visit it, I feel a little bit more appreciative of the pivotal role it had in raising me.”

“I feel the same way about Cheshire.” Harry nodded. “It’s a big part of who I was, and that helped make me who I am. I wouldn’t be the same without this place.”

“Exactly.” She said. 

“So where exactly are you from?” He asked. “I mean, obviously America-”

“Is it that obvious?” She asked, narrowing her eyes playfully, her lips pursed. “I don’t think it is.”

“It’s a neon, flashing sign above your head kind of obvious, love.” He snorted. “But I can’t place what your accent is.”

“It’s not really an accent.” Stella shrugged, turning her attention back to the sidewalk. “I grew up on the road for most of my life, but my family settled in Georgia when I was about twelve.”

“Interesting.” He said. “How did you like Georgia?” 

“I didn’t, at first.” She laughed. “I hated it so much. I loved being on the road with my family, traveling places like Hawaii and Los Angeles. When we moved to the south, I despised everything about it. It was so plain and boring compared to places we’d lived before. But like I said, moving away has made me learn to love it more when I go back.”

“How long have you been gone?” He asked. 

“About three years.” She said. “I lived in Amsterdam for a year, and then Paris, and now I’m here.”

“Which place is your favorite?” He asked. “Be honest with me, now. You don’t have to say London just because you’re trying to get on my good side.” 

Stella tossed her head back, laughing loudly. 

“I think it’s truthfully London, Harry.” 

His name sounded like honey falling from her lips. 

“Why is that?” He asked. 

“Because I’ve found my chosen family.” She turned back, giving him a smile that thawed out the chill creeping up from his toes. “Starting with Gemma, of course. She was the first person to take me under her wings, and I’m so happy that I have her in my life. Then I started to find other people, and we all became this really close knit group of friends that felt more like family than my actual family does. I don’t know how I’ll ever leave this place.” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” He said softly. “Maybe this is home.”

Please don’t go, Stella. 

Stay here with me forever. 

Love me. 

“My contract is up at the end of the year, but we’ll just have to see how things go.” She said. “I might be convinced to stay.”

“Well, I guess I have a lot of work to do.” He chuckled.

“Why are you so keen on me staying?” She asked him, her brows raising as she gave him a knowing smirk. “Do you have a crush on me, Styles?”

His cheeks grew hot against the cold wind. 

“Alright now, don’t let that go to your head.” He grumbled, tucking his neck into his scarf as Stella’s smile grew wider. “It’s all your bloody fault, you know?”

“What have I done?” She laughed louder. “I’m just me.”

“That’s exactly it.” He let out a breathy chuckle. “You’re you, Stella.”

**

The Christmas Tree Farm was going well. 

That was up until Gemma decided that they absolutely needed to take a family picture in front of the big Christmas tree, Stella included. They had picked up a few little trinkets and such while walking around the market included in the farm. Anne picked up a reindeer headband with bells stitched in, plopping it on her head the second she found it. Gemma found an elf’s hat with little ears attached to the side, putting it on her hair before fussing with her hair. Stella found a crown made of poinsettias that she plopped on top of her curls, the red and gold working perfectly with her red lipstick and gold eyeshadow. Harry, however, wasn’t exactly in the spirit. 

“You’re wearing the bloody santa hat, whether you like it or not!” Gemma shoved it towards him with a frown. “If you stand next to Stella, you’ll like Mr. and Mrs. Claus!” 

“Shut up, Gemma.” Harry sneered, snatching the hat from her hands. “I didn’t tell you about that so you could throw it in my face!” 

“Well, I’m doing it for the greater good of our family photo!” She glared at him. “Put that hat on before I shove it on your head myself.”

“Fine.”

“Are you two alright?” Stella smirked, adjusting her crown on her head as she walked up to Harry and Gemma. “Santa is still putting people on the naughty list you know?” 

“If anyone’s going to be on the naughty list, it’s Harry.” Gemma tossed her arm around Stella’s shoulder with a proud smirk. “He’s being a pain in the arse.”

“Is the hat really necessary to the photo?” He groaned, dropping his head back. 

“Yes.” Stella and Gemma said at the same time. 

“Alright, alright.” He groaned, tugging the hat over his curls. “Are you both happy now?”

“Ecstatic.” Stella smiled brightly at Harry. “I think you look handsome.”

“I’m going to just point out…” Gemma pulled her arm from around Stella, tucking her hands behind her back. “That there’s mistletoe hanging from that piece of wood above your heads.” 

“Gemma-” Harry’s eyes grew wide. 

“And I’m promptly going to walk away.” She smiled at Stella. “Meet us at the tree in ten minutes.” 

“Gemma-” Stella held her hand out as Gemma walked away, her eyes growing just as wide as Harry’s were. “What a sneaky little elf.” 

“Tell me about it.” Harry shifted, adjusting the hat on his head. “Devious little-”

“Well, I guess we can’t break tradition.” Stella looked up at Harry, shuffling forward slowly with a little smirk on her lips. “I mean, what would Santa say if we didn’t kiss under the mistletoe?”

Harry licked over his bottom lip, his fingers twitching. 

“You really want to kiss me?”

“I might.” Stella’s toes were almost touching Harry’s now. “But the question is, do you want to kiss me?”

“I do, yeah.” He nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it ever since I laid eyes on you, Stella.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” She raised her brows. “Now is your chance, Mr. Grinch, lay one on me.”

Harry lifted his hands, pressing them to Stella’s face hesitantly before he lowered his lips to hers in a soft kiss. It was a gentle peck, one that anyone would share underneath the mistletoe, but Harry wanted more from Stella. It seemed that she wanted more as well, her arms sliding around his neck as she pressed up on her toes. He let his hands fall to her waist as the kiss grew more intense, his hands holding onto her tightly as she brushed her tongue over his lower lip. He tried his best not to smile into the kiss, letting her have what she wanted by parting his lips. When her tongue slipped over his, he let out a tiny moan, gripping her hips tighter. 

“Get a room, you two!” Harry groaned, pressing his forehead to Stella’s. 

“Gemma, I swear to god-” Harry turned his head, whipping his santa hat off before he threw it in her direction. “Go bother someone else!” 

Stella laughed, ducking her forehead down to Harry’s chest as he rubbed his thumbs over her side gently. He felt her body shaking underneath his hands, his heart hammering in his chest when he realized just how close they actually were. He turned his head back, lifting a hand up to guide Stella’s chin up. He pressed his lips to hers once, twice, three more times before she pressed her palms to Harry’s chest. 

“We’ll never stop if we don’t move away from the mistletoe.” Stella whispered. “And I think Gemma might physically pull us apart if we miss that Christmas picture.”

“Let it be known that I’m only partaking in this picture because I want to stand next to you for as long as I can.” Harry smiled. “I think I have a little more than a crush on you, Stella.” 

“I think I have more than a crush on you, too.”

**

“Madeline, stop right there.” Stella let out a frustrated sigh as she looped her arm under the baby carrier, her eyes falling down to the sleeping infant. “Milo, promise Mumma that you’ll listen when you get to that age?”

“Give him here.” Harry brushed a kiss over Stella’s temple, his hand massaging her lower back gently. “You go catch up with speed racer, okay? I’ll be right behind you with the baby and the diaper bag.”

“Thank you.” Stella turned her head, puckering her lips out. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” He hummed out. “And our beautiful babies, even if one of them has a death wish and two left feet.” 

Stella snorted out a laugh, pulling her arm from the carrier before she stuffed her hands in her pockets. “I better go help her up the stairs.”

“Please, we don’t need a repeat of last year.” Harry smiled. 

“Yeah, I would like to avoid a trip to A&E this year.” Stella snorted. 

He watched Stella walk over to an antsy Madeline, her pigtails bouncing about as she jumped from foot to foot in excitement. Harry chuckled softly at his daughter, amused by her excitement. He was happy that she found so much joy in Christmas, just like her Mother did. He watched Stella hold a hand out, waiting for Madeline to take it before they both conquered the brick steps outside of his Mum’s house. When they got to the top, Stella lifted Madeline up, kissing over her cheeks as their daughter giggled. Harry lifted Milo’s car seat from the base, his eyes falling down to the six month old with hazel eyes and soft cheeks just like his Mother’s. 

“We’ve got our hands full with those two, mate.” Harry pulled the soft, wintery blue blanket up to Milo’s chin, tucking it around his shoulders so that he would stay warm. “Gonna keep us both on our toes, I know it.” 

Milo cooed up at him, causing Harry to smile wider before he ducked his head down to kiss his son's soft cheeks. 

“Let’s get you into Nan’s before you turn into a popsicle, my love.” Harry said. “Mumma won’t be happy if we have to spend Christmas thawing you out.”

As Harry made his way up the stairs, he couldn’t help but remember five Christmases ago. 

He was walking up the exact same steps on his own, unaware of the magic that was waiting inside for him. He was unaware that the girl Gemma brought home for Christmas would one day be his wife, and the mother of his two beautiful children. He had no idea that they would spend long nights together, planning their future and holding each other tight. He opened the front door to his Mum’s house, smiling at the sound of Madeline telling his Mother a story with animated gestures, her curly pigtails bouncing around as Stella tried to wrangle her jacket off. 

“And then Daddy told me we could get a puppy next year if I was good enough!” Madeline squealed out as Harry shut the door. 

He dodged the steely gaze he got from Stella after she heard the word puppy.

“Sorry.” He mouthed over at her, causing her to shake her head as she tried to fight off a smile. 

“You’re a menace.” She mouthed back. “But I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” He said it outloud, his heart soaring in his chest. 

Stella gave him a heart warming smile, Madeline’s coat still in her hands. 

Seconds later, Milo let out a tiny cry causing Harry to snap back into dad mode. 

He rested the carseat on the ground, carefully pulling his son out before pressing a kiss to his chubby little cheeks. As if Gemma could sense his presence, she barreled into the living room with her eyes set on Milo. 

“There’s my little man.” She held her hands out, wiggling them as Harry rolled his eyes. “You get to see him every day, Harry. Pass him over to his auntie.” 

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes. “Please be careful with him, I kind of like this one.”

“Piss off.” Gemma snorted out, sliding Milo onto her hip before pressing a bright red kiss mark into his forehead. “Has Daddy told you that without auntie Gem, you wouldn’t exist?” 

“Gemma-” 

“Can you believe that?” She looked up at Harry, a hint of something nostalgic and genuine sparkling in her green eyes. “If I’d never brought Stella to family Christmas, we wouldn’t have two beautiful babies to dote over every year.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what life would be like without them.” He whispered. “Thank you, Gemma.”

“Harry, I really didn’t-”

“Gemma.” He said her name sternly, pressing his palm to her bicep. “Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She said softly, her eyes watering. “Now, if you could do me a favor and bring a hot friend around, I’d really appreciate it.”

“I’ll see what I can manage.” He let out a wet chuckle, his own eyes watering. 

“What are we managing?” Stella wrapped her arms around Harry. 

“We owe Gem a favor.” He sniffled, turning head to press a kiss to Stella’s forehead. 

“Why are you crying, baby?” Stella frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing at all.” He pressed his lips to hers, softly brushing his nose against the tip of hers as his. “Just so incredibly grateful to have you in my life, that’s all.”

“You’re so sappy around the holiday’s.” Stella brushed her palm over his belly. “I love you, Mr. Styles.” 

“I love you, too, Mrs. Styles.” He said. “Merry Christmas, Darling.”

“Merry Christmas.” 

[earnmysong]

Tag Game!

the brilliant @beth-is-rainpaint asked that i expound on the following. if you’d enjoy doing so as well, by all means!

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? a very boring tan wood with black bristles

2. a food you never eat: coconut; i adore the smell and i’m okay with the flavor. the texture to me, though, is veryyyyy reminiscent of fingernails. not that i eat fingernails... 

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i would rather have icicles on my eyelashes than be anything close to sweating. so too warm, i guess?  

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? picking up my mobile order @ starbucks

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? hershey’s cookies and cream

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? yep! a great many new york mets games, the best of which was the world series game @ citi field on halloween of 2015. it was my first year teaching, and i said if my boys made it all the way that it would be a good omen for my career so getting tickets was definitely a must!

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? ‘ooooh nice’ - upon hearing ‘there’s no way’ on sirius xm on my way home

8. what is your favourite ice cream? rocky road

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? a chai latte from starbucks

10. do you like your wallet? sure! it’s one of those vera bradley rectangular keychain deals, and it has pink fish all over it.

11. what is the last thing you ate? a blueberry pop-tart

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? indeed; i finally bought a no doubt tee, and some holiday leggings from old navy

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? the voice counts, right? :D

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? boom chicka pop’s sweet and salty kettle corn is a gift to humanity

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? one of my coworkers, as we were putting together a review of the nitrogen and carbon cycles for our kids tomorrow

16. ever been camping? my backyard excursion as a youngster didn’t last the whole night, and when i went to camp for a summer? it decided to lightning every single time we attempted

17. do you take vitamins? should i, given my physical state? most definitely, of course! do i? nope, have you met me?

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? yes. now it’s mostly virtual, but it actually helps my anxiety immensely!

19. do you have a tan? absolutely, 100% negatory

20. do you prefer chinese or pizza? chinese, alwayssssss

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? i drink everything through a straw, even hot lattes where the label says ‘not recommended for hot beverages’. if i die of cancer, we know why...

22. what color socks do you usually wear? my favorite socks are a pack of fortune cookies and a pack of ‘donut worry’ donuts, both from forever 21

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? i don’t drive a car, and my wheelchair goes 3 miles/hr max. so, nope. 

24. what terrifies you? clowns, lightning, drowning, choking ahahaha

25. look to your left, what do you see? my signed ingrid michaelson posted from the ‘songs for the season’ tour!

26. what chore do you hate most? n/a

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? heath ledger! RIP, sir. how can it be thirteen years in january?

28. what’s your favorite soda? vanilla coke

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive-thru all the way

30. what’s your favorite number? seven

31. who’s the last person you talked to? my mom

32. favorite meat? chicken nuggets

33. last song you listened to? ‘happy anywhere’ by blake shelton ft. gwen stefani; i still can’t believe i immensely enjoy it; i’d sworn off all of their duets; as a lifelong no doubt/gwen fan, their relationship still doesn’t compute; I’M HAPPY THEY’RE HAPPY, THOUGH

34. last book you read? dash + lily’s book of dares; i wanted to see how the novel compared to the show

35. favorite day of the week? definitely friday! i adore my job, but knowing a recharge is around the corner is a sweet sweet feeling 

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? if i had the desire to attempt, i bet i could

37. how do you like your coffee? at home? with cinnamon toast crunch coffee-mate; out and about? a chai latte, not coffee, is usually my go-to

38. favorite pair of shoes? for someone that can’t walk, i have tons of shoes! out of all of them, my most interesting fashion statements are the women of marvel vans and millie bobby brown’s orca converse high tops

39. time you normally get up? pre-covid? 5 am; currently, in my tele-working glory? 7am

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets, because my brain always goes ‘the sun has gone to bed and so must i’

41. how many blankets on your bed? four

42. describe your kitchen plates. white china middle with colored fruits around the rim

43. describe your kitchen at the moment. decorated with all manner of thanksgiving cards from friends and family

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i don’t indulge regularly but, when i do, i enjoy a dark and stormy or a sex on the beach

45. do you play cards? my dad and i played a bunch of euchre this summer

46. what color is your car? my wheelchair is purple and my accessible van is blue with a white stripe down the side

47. can you change a tire? not on your life

48. your favorite state or province? i may live in virginia, but my heart will always belong to new york (city)!

49. favorite job you’ve had? my current one is pretty great! i’m an itinerant ESOL/SPED and i love my kiddos with my entire being! 

[mysterioh]

panacea - b.b.

Summary: Bucky Barnes was a disease. His hands were stained with blood and had a thousand sins burdening his shoulders. It goes without saying he didn't have a reason to stay. That is until he gets a dose of your infectious smile and healing laughter, a cure-all in the form of a bubbly Avenger, did Bucky think to himself it might not be so bad to stick around.

Transferring over from my AO3. It’s just seven short one-shots of domestic fluff. 

Words: ~5800 

Password : noun. a secret word or phrase that must be used to gain access to something. 

"Babe, what's the password?" You asked, lounging against him on the sofa.

"Password to what?" Bucky asked, his eyes glued to the baseball game on TV.

"Your phone, you dingus, what else?" You questioned, with his iPhone in your hands.

The screen was on, displaying the picture he had taken of you at the beach a few weeks ago. You were wearing a striped romper with a sunhat while sitting on a rock near the ocean. You held your hat in place with your hand as the wind blew in your direction. The picture had captured your radiant smile and Bucky made it his wallpaper as soon as he took it.

Bucky snorted. "Keep on insulting me and I'm not gonna tell you."

"Alright, sorry," you replied bluntly. "So what is it?"

"I don't remember."

You clicked your tongue at him. "Seriously?" You questioned incredulously. "You don't even know you're own password?"

"I try to stay away from that thing as much as possible." He replied curtly, trying to keep track of the game.

"You sound like my grandpa."

Bucky smiled. "I don't mind that. He's pretty cool."

"Well, I do," you said typing random numbers into his phone. "I don't wanna date a grandpa."

"Should've thought of that before dating a guy who's over a hundred years old."

"Should have," you hummed and he rolled his eyes. "Good thing you're hot though."

Bucky chuckles at the screen. "Thanks, doll."

"So you remember it yet?"

"Nope," he popped the "p".

You groaned before reaching for his hand. "Give me that thumb."

You took his hand and placed his thumb against the home button of the phone instantly unlocking it. Bucky groaned at your impertinent behavior as you smiled in victory.

You looked through his apps to find nothing out of the ordinary. "Goodness, Buck, you don't even have any games. What do you do all day long? Stare at your emails?"

"I hardly ever go on it," he replied.

"You're horrible I'm telling you. I have the most boring boyfriend on earth," you wailed dramatically.

"You don't say that when I-"

You cover his mouth. "Don't finish that sentence." You warned. "There's an AI listening," you pointed towards the ceiling, reminding him of Friday's presence and Tony's annoying recordings.

"This world is too technical for me," he sighs.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, that's what I'm here for." You smiled, taking a seat in his lap as he grins.

He was forever indebted to you. He would've been lost if you didn't come to find him. He would've drowned if you didn't come to pull him out. And he was forever grateful to you for saving him.

"So that's why I'm going to download a bunch of games onto your phone," you grinned mischievously.

"Don't you have a phone?" He asked with a grunt.

"I do but it's all the way in my room and I'm too lazy to get it."

"What am I gonna do with you?" He shook his head while chuckling.

"Love me for the rest of your days," you replied while downloading your favorite game, "and let me play all the games I want."

Bucky's lips curl into a big smile with his cool blue eyes looking at you sweetly. "As you wish, my love."

He lowers his head, his lips reaching for your own, but instead, they feel a soft hand against them.

"Uh, uh," you wagging your finger in front of him. "What's the password?" You asked with a teasing tone.

You feel Bucky's lips curl into a smile against the palm of your hand. He pulls back just a little to speak.

"Password is: love you for ten thousand years." He answers in earnest, but he knows it's partially incorrect.

"Hmm?" You hummed with your finger tapping gently against your cheek. "Just ten thousand?"

Bucky let out a hearty laugh as he pulled you closer to him by the hand. "Guess I gotta change my password to forever."

"Mmm, sounds good to me," you replied, before bringing his lips onto your own.

Abrodietical : adj. to be dainty of picky

"Sweetheart," Bucky called sickeningly sweet from the hallway of your shared apartment.

"Yeah?" You answered scrolling down your phone with a cherry lollipop in your mouth.

"You wanna explain to me why there are six kittens walking around my house?" He said with a small white kitty in his hand.

"Oh," you smiled at him from the couch, "I found them outside so I brought them home."

Bucky looked at you incredulously. "You just brought them home?" he repeated slowly.

"Last time I checked I was speaking English."

Bucky rolled his eyes at you. Your sass could've matched Tony's. Possibly even surpass it.

"You can't just bring home six cats," he nagged.

"Well, I did. What're you going to do about it, Barnes?" You questioned.

He huffs with the kitten in his hand trying to get down. He placed the soft being on to the floor gently with a smile displayed on his face.

"Babe, you can't just pick up random cats from the street. What if they have rabies?"

You snorted at him. "Please, do you think these sweet little angels have rabies?" You picked up the tabby cat on your lap from underneath his arms.

"He didn't mean it," you cooed at it, "he's just a grumpy ol' grandpa."

Bucky rolled his eyes as he walked over to the couch trying not to step on any of the tiny friends that were inspecting your home. He sat down on the couch next to you as you played with the kitten.

"Where did you even find all of them?"

"In a box outside of the grocery store."

"So you decided to bring them all here?"

"It's cold outside and it was going to rain. I couldn't leave them there," you replied. "Why? You don't like them?"

"No, they're cute," he said making you smile, "but I don't think we need six of them."

You roll your eyes. "The more the merrier in my opinion."

"Crazy cat lady," he smirked.

A scowl forms on his face when you kick him in the side.

"You just have to disagree with me on everything, don't you?" you asked, pointedly.

"Doll, I'm just being practical here," he stated. "We hardly have the time to take care of ourselves, let alone six cats."

You pouted at him and he bit his lip by how cute you looked. It was taking everything in him to not come over to your side.

"Fine," you sighed. "I'll guess I'll just take them back," you got up with the kitten in your hand and picking up another on the way to box. "Back out there in the dark, cold, and rainy world." You emphasized while picking up another walking by and placing it in the box. "Don't worry, guys, it's going to be okay, I'll stay with you through the long, dark and rainy night," you sniffled loudly while looking over at Bucky.

Bucky rolled his eyes while groaning in annoyance and mild guilt. He knew what you were doing. He knew it all too well, but he couldn't help himself from falling into your poorly set trap.  

"Fine," he gave in and turned his head around from the couch. "We can keep the cats." Your smile grew big and his heart grew tenfold. "But only until we find good owners for them." Your smile went down south.

"Oh come on, can't we keep one?" You pleaded with your pretty eyes.

Bucky sighed. "Fine, one."

"Actually let's make that two," you offered.

"No," he deadpanned.

"But these two have to stay together!" You exclaimed, holding up a black kitten and a white one.

"And why is that?"

"Because they're Luna and Artemis!"

"Luna and who?" He asked with brows furrowed.

"Luna and Artemis." You repeated. "They're these two cats from this cartoon I used to watch as a kid, it's called Sailor Moon. I'll show you someday. But the point is we can't split them apart! They're destined to be together!"

"Like us?" He smirks with his pretty blue eyes.

You giggle at him. "Just like us," you agreed.

"Fine, we'll keep those two then," Bucky accepted. "But the other's got to go."

"Don't worry about it, Sargeant, leave it to me." You nodded.

Bucky chuckles as he gets up and sits on the floor next to you. A kitten with patched black and white comes up to him and jumps into his lap. He smiles at the gentle creature and slides his fingers across its' soft fur.

"I think we should have names for them?" You suggested. "At least until they get adopted." Bucky nods in agreement just to entertain you.

"What do you have in mind for him?" You asked, pointing to the one curling around his arm.

Bucky shrugs. "I don't know, how about Patches?"

"Patches? You couldn't find a more generic name than Patches?"

"So what do you have in mind?" He countered.

"Cookies and Cream," you stated.

"That's too long," he deadpanned.

"It's better than Patches!"

"As if," he snorted, "it suits him because of his fur!"

"So does Cookies and Cream!"

He picked up the kitten for display. "If you didn't notice these are patches," he pointed to its' fur. "So Patches it is."

"Patches it isn't," you snapped back.

"Why not?"

"Because it's' boring and stupid."

"Don't say that to Patches!" He gasped, covering the poor kitten's ears.

"That's not his name!"

"It's okay, kiddo, Mama didn't mean it." He assured the cat.

You rolled your eyes at him. "Why are you so difficult?"

"Why are you so picky?"

"It's called having good taste. A luxurious palate." You huffed, looking away from him.

"Picky," he said slowly in a teasing manner.

You groaned at him. "I hate you."

"Baby, don't lie I know you don't," he chuckled.

"I speak the truth and nothing but the truth," you reply as he leans in closer to you.

"You wanna test that?" He asks with a devilish smirk. "Cause if I do remember clearly, you were telling me just how much you love me last night."

"I don't remember that," you replied, still not looking at him.

Bucky smirks as his lips hover over your neck. "Then let me help?" A shiver crawls down your spine as you whip your head over to look at him.

"Not in front of the kids!"

Nurse: noun. a person who cares for the sick and infirm. 

“Ouch!”

“Doll, I haven’t even touched you yet,” Bucky said, with a cotton ball dipped in alcohol pressed between his fingers and hovering over the cut on your face.

“I can feel it stinging though,” you whined.

“Some earth’s mightiest hero you are,” he snorted.

“Oh shut up.”

Bucky pressed the cotton in his hand against your wound making you hiss in discomfort. You came home from a mission littered in cuts and bruises. They weren’t fatal so you had decided to skip the trip to the infirmary and stick some bandages on when you got home and call it a day.

But Bucky wouldn’t allow it and had forcibly placed you on the kitchen counter to tend to your cuts himself. He felt like a mother patching up her child after a rowdy day of play and honestly, you were such a child at times.

Bucky was deeply immersed in his work that he didn’t notice you smiling at him. Your eyes scanned over the details of his face.

His brows were knitted together as his azure blue eyes were focused on cleaning the cut on your cheekbone. His hair was tied back in a messy bun with loose strands shaping his well-defined features. He was shirtless, having come out of the shower just as you had arrived and it gave you a crystal clear view of his chiseled muscles and glorious abs.

Your eyes wandered over to his bare neck with your lips begging to meet his soft skin and line kisses over his sharp jawline until you finally reached his soft pink lips.

Bucky noticed you staring and shook his head as he gave you an embarrassed smile.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you shrugged, “nothing at all.”

“You’re weird,” he shakes his head as he takes out a bandage. He sticks the bandage onto your face and chuckles. “There,” he smiles, “all done.”

“Thank you,” you reply, “I feel better already. You’re a natural at this.”

“All I did was clean you up and put some ointment on,” he replied, putting things back into the box. “There’s nothing to it.”

“Still, I think your hands have this healing touch in them.”

Bucky shook his head in denial. “I don’t think my hands were made for that kind of work. They were only made to ruin things.”

“You just fixed me up though,” you pointed out.

“That’s not the same thing, doll.”

“It is,” you affirmed, pulling him by the hands towards you still sitting on the counter. You take his hand into yours, one flesh and the other metal, and rub his knuckles in a gentle circular motion.

“You can tell a lot about a person by their hands,” you said, “and when I look at your hands. I see strong and calloused hands that have been tested time and time again. That fight to protect not only those they love but even those they don’t even know and the ones that tried to hurt them. They’re rugged and tough, but at the same time they’re gentle and warm and I get this feeling they’ve always been like that.”

You look up at him smiling with twinkling eyes. “Your hands are by far the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.”

Bucky smiles quietly as he looks down at your fingers intertwined with his, then back up at you through his long lashes. He really didn’t know what he did to deserve you.

“Did you get that out of a Hallmark movie or something?”

“Screw you, Buck,” you sneered with a contrasting smile on your face as you pulled him into a hug.

“I love you, you moron,” you said kissing the side of his neck then resting your chin on top of shoulder.

“Love you too, sweetpea, s’much,” he replied his body rumbling against you as he chuckled.

“Now take me to bed, Nurse Barnes.”

He looks at you with a flicker of mischief in his eyes.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert”

Absence: noun. state of lacking something usual or needed. 

Bucky groaned loudly for the fifth time in the past thirty minutes and Sam was ready to use his head for a basketball.

“Quit it, will ya?” Sam hissed at him.

“Quit what?” Bucky asked in the same indignant tone.

“All the…” he groaned as an example, “I’m sick of it.”

“Then go somewhere else,” Bucky turns to his side towards the inside of the couch he was laying on.

“I was here first so you get out,” Sam said, pointedly.

“Leave him alone, Sam, he’s sad,” Wanda said from the other side of the room at the table.

“He’s always sad. What’s new?”

“Go to hell, Sam,” Bucky murmured from his couch.

“You go to hell,” he countered and Bucky threw a pillow at him which Sam quickly dodged. “Missed jerk.”

“I’m about to come over there and kick your ass.”

“Yeah? I’ll show you who’s boss around here, white boy.”  

“Sam, just leave him alone,” Wanda butt in.

“He started it!”

“He’s sad today so leave him alone.”

“I’m not sad,” Bucky stated, slightly peeved.

Wanda chuckled at him. “You’re not fooling anyone, Bucky.”

“I’m fine,” he murmured, returning his focus back to his phone.

“What’re you so bummed out about?” Sam asked, “[Y/N], finally dump you?”

“Honestly, Sam, I’m going to kill you.”

“You’ve been saying that for five years now and here we are.”

Bucky groaned as he swiped his finger across in a game of Mario Kart. You downloaded the game onto his phone and he opened it one day out of curiosity. He got addicted even though he’d never admit that to you. He didn’t know why he liked it so much. Maybe it had something to do with Bowser’s rambunctious personality, he was weirdly cool to him.

Wanda rested her arms on top of the couch while looking down at him. He had a scowl on his face with his blue eyes focused on getting to first place.

“Hey, there,” she said with a smile.

“Hi,” he replied, curtly.

“You doing okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Miss her?”

Bucky looks up at Wanda at the mention of you, forgetting he was falling back in the game. He let out an exasperated exhale and nodded.

Wanda chuckled at him, looking like a lovesick teenager. Bucky’s cheeks burned a bright red as he returned to his defeated game. She was definitely going to tell you about this later.

“She’s coming back today.”

“I know.”

“Of course you would,” she replied, “You’ve been counting down the minutes since she left.”

“Have not.”

“Have so.”

“It’s only been a week, Bucky,” Wanda reminded him, “What are you going to do when it’s a month?”

Bucky looks up at her, contemplating her words. “I guess I’ll just die then.”

“You are so dramatic,” she rolled her eyes in amusement. “Wait, till I tell [Y/N].”

“You will not tell her,” he ordered

“If she doesn’t I will,” Sam snickered, reminding the two he was still there.

“You say anything and I’ll cut your arm off,” Bucky threatened.”

“Nothing wrong with missing your girl, man,” Sam chuckled and Bucky’s cheeks heated at his words.

“Only a few more hours, Buck,” Wanda assured. “She’ll be back.”

Bucky groaned again much to Sam’s annoyance as he looked away from Wanda’s inquisitive eyes. She was right, he had been counting down the minutes since you had left on a week-long mission. It felt strange without you. He felt out of place and alone. It made him wonder how his life would be if you weren’t in it, but his mind never lingered too long in those thoughts. He never wanted to imagine a time when he wasn’t with you. Your absence in his life was something he never wanted.

Bucky’s ears perked up at the sound of Friday announcing the landing of the quinjet and he jumped over the couch in a swift motion. Wanda and Sam chuckled at his eagerness as he headed towards the hangar. He ran outside to see you standing near Natasha while talking to Maria about the mission.

You look over to him with a cheerful smile and run past the two of them and into his arms. He takes a few steps back from the impact of your literal jump into him and it feels so nice to hear your jubilant giggles.

He pulls apart from you just a little to get a good look at you and begins to panic at the bandages around your hands and head.

“Are you okay? What happened here?” Bucky asked, touching your forehead gently.  

“It’s no-”

“And your hands?” Bucky asked, “What did you do?”

“It’s just a little-.”

“Does it hurt, doll?” He asked, frantically.

“Bucky.”

“Oh my God, what if you’re bleeding internally? We gotta get you checked out.”

“Buck,” you said his name again, but he was too worried to listen.

“Come on, let’s get you med bay!” he said, pulling you by the wrist.

“Bucky!” you exclaimed and he stopped in his tracks.

He turned around, his brows furrowed with urgency written on his face. You give him a bright smile with a chuckle. He was just so cute sometimes.

“I’m fine, Buck, you don’t need to worry about me,” you assured.

“But you’re hurt.”

“It’s nothing too bad. Just a few scratches and bruises,” you informed, but he didn’t believe you.

“Are you sure?” he asked doubtfully.

“I’m positive, so stop panicking, okay?”

He remained doubtful and you let out a deep exhale. He knew you hated the infirmary and would do anything to stay away from the vicinity.

“Don’t worry, Buck!” Steve called from behind you. “We kept your girl safe!”

“Not good enough!” he said, lifting your bandaged hands to show them making Steve chuckle along with Nat and Maria.

You turn back to look at Bucky. His lips reached the tips of his ears as did yours.

“Miss me?” you asked.

“So much,” Bucky exhaled deeply, “You don’t even know. It felt so empty without you.”

You wrap your arms around his neck and his snake their way around your waist. “Yeah?” you asked with your cheeks displaying a pink blush, “Well, I’m back now and you’re stuck with me for life, Sargeant.”

Bucky chuckles at your playful remark. He leans in closer, his lips aching to meet yours after so long.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Cauldrife: adj. susceptible to the cold; chilly 

Bucky didn't mind the cold. The cool air that nipped at his nose and cheeks or the feeling of his hands growing numb due to frigid temperatures never bothered him. He had grown accustomed to the cold over the years of being frozen over so many times. He was the Winter Soldier after all.

Although he had grown indifferent to the cold, his desire for all things warm never ran cold. Especially the warmth he received from you.

"Alright, Buck, I'm letting go now," you said, your gloved fingers loosening their grip on his.

"No, don't let go," he replied quickly, "don't you dare let go!"

"C'mon, you've got this," you assured him as if he was a child.

Bucky looked down at his skates sliding across the smooth ice in slow motion. Winters in New York weren't complete without a trip to the Rockefeller Center Ice Rink and how he got you to convince him to go with you was beyond him. You had a way of making him do things he didn't want to do, but he always ended up liking it in the end. Although he'd never tell you that.

"[Y/N], if you let go of my hands, I swear-"

"Oh come on, what kinda Winter Soldier can't even skate?" You cut him off.

"One that never needed to do something so stupid in his life," he complained.

You rolled your eyes at him. "I'm letting go now whether you like it or not.”

“You just wanna see me fall on my ass.”

“Buck, you’re gonna be fine,” you replied, pulling him along by both hands, trying your best to not laugh at his posture. He was hunched over with his hands holding yours in a death grip. He gave you an evil glare, warning you not to do anything he’ll end up hating. But oh how much do you love to do the things he hated or at least annoyed him.

“If that kid can do it so can you,” you motioned over to a little boy a few feet away skating like a pro.

“That kid’s got practice and I clearly don’t.”

You huffed while yanking yourself out of his grip.

“[Y/N]!” he shouted, trying to balance himself.

“See ya, Buck!” you chuckled as you skate away from him.

“Don’t leave me here!” he shouted, quickly holding onto the railing on the side.

“Catch me if you can, loser!” You goaded, sticking your tongue out at him as you skated away.

Bucky grumbled at the side of the rink, staring at you skate your way around the rink in ease. He huffed again this time irritated by himself.

“Come on, Buck,” he whispered to himself, “how hard could it be?”

Bucky slowly moved along the rim of the rink while holding onto the railing as a balance. He started to go a little faster by bending his knees to maintain his balance and slowly parting from the rink. He eventually let go of the railing and smiled to himself for his small accomplishment. His short moment of satisfaction was ruined by you skating by him.

“C’mon, Gramps, it’s gonna be 2150 by the time you get to the other side,” you teased and as quickly as you came you left, leaving him more annoyed and determined to catch you.

Bucky furrowed his brows with a determined scowl formed on his face. He was going to catch you even if it took all night. He placed his right foot in front of the other and bent his knees to make him go faster. Bucky smirked as he finally got the hang of it and became more free with his movements, gliding along the ice swiftly. The cold air hitting his face and blowing his hair behind him was oddly refreshing.

You were skating at your own pace with your hands folded behind your back. You turned behind you to see how Bucky was doing and cursed when you saw he was speeding towards you with a devilish grin plastered on his face.

“Shit,” you said under your breath, picking up your speed to get away from him.

Bucky chuckled in amusement at you. He quickly caught up to you and wrapped his arms from behind making you yelp as he cheered in victory.

“Gotcha!” He shouted, lifting you off the rink just a little.

“Bucky put me down!” you shouted, your face burning a bright red.

He places you down on your feet, keeping you in arms’ length, basking in your warmth.

“See I told you, you could do it,” you poked him in the chest.

“You abandoned me,” he deadpanned, “you’re the worst teacher ever.”

“But hey, now you can skate,” you defended, pointing at him.

“No thanks to you.”

You clicked your tongue at him. “You’re so ungrateful,” you shake your head in mock annoyance.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, pulling from you, “race me around the rink?”

You nodded with childlike excitement. “Loser buys the other hot cocoa,” you bet.

“Deal.”

“Jeez, why is it so cold?” you shivered, rubbing your arms.

“I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with it being December in New York,” Bucky replied, walking by you in the park.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious, I didn’t notice.”

“No problem, Sailor Sarcasm.”

You grumble at his remark and he stops in his tracks. “Come here you,” he says, grabbing you by the arm and pulling you into him. You giggle against his chest, wrapping your arms around him, absorbing the heat emanating from his body.

He takes off his scarf and wraps it around your neck. “Why didn’t you bring your scarf with you?”

“I forgot to,” you mumbled through the wool knit scarf, loving the way it smelled just like him.

“Of course you did.”

You chuckled at him, your eyes twinkling under the night sky. Your arms were wrapped around him tightly with your body taut against him. Your cheeks were red as was the tip of your nose from the brutal cold nipping at them for too long. Even then you looked so beautiful, radiating with warmth. One that he would never get enough of.

“You’re so damn pretty,” Bucky said, his hot breath vaporizing in the cold air. “I love you so damn much.”

You smile at him, warm and bright, enough to melt ice. “I love you too,” you said before getting up on your tiptoes to plant your lips against his.

Your lips are cold, slightly chapped due to the cold weather, but he didn’t care. The feeling of you against him and the taste of hot chocolate on your lips was more than perfect to him. He didn’t mind the cold at all, but he sure did love the warmth that came from you.

Bucky parts from you to catch a breath. He smiles at you as the two of you remained there, sharing the heat of your bodies.

“Baby,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“You wanna tell me why your hands are in my back pockets?”

“They’re cold.”

“So it has nothing to do with the way you're squeezing my butt?”

“Of course not.”

Ethereal: adj. extremely delicate or light in a way that seems too perfect for this world.

"Bucky!" you called, shaking him gently and wildly all at the same time.

An unexpected bomb blast had thrown him into a heap of rubble and ash knocking him out instantly. You ran to him as fast as you could and now trying your best to wake him. Besides for any small scrapes and bruises littered on his face and hands, he was alright but unconscious.

You were a writhing, worried mess in fear that he wouldn't wake up. That he'd leave you all alone and that was one thing you couldn't handle. Your hair was a mess from a spat you had with a crazy ninja sword chick. Where she got the sword from you didn't know, but her skill was unparalleled and she had you stuck with only two choices. Your head or your hair. So you took the most practical option.

Bucky opened his eyes just a little. His chest was throbbing in pain making it hard for him to breathe. Your blurred form started to become more defined and he was so glad you were okay.

You smiled in relief that he was awake. Broken and battered for sure, but awake and alive.

"Hey there, handsome, how's it going?" you asked with tears falling.

“Y/N,” he whispered, cupping your face in his metal hand with his fingers sifting through your frayed locks. “Your hair…” he said weakly, with confusion dwelling in his eyes, “What happened to your hair?”

You chuckled, pressing your cheek against his hand and holding it with your own. “I got a haircut. Do you like it?”

Bucky chuckled with a gentle smile. “It looks good,” he said, “you look pretty.”

Without hesitation, you fall onto Bucky, wrapping your arms around his neck and starting to cry into his shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. God, I was so worried. I thought I lost you,” you rambled on, “I love you, Bucky, I love you so much.”

Bucky smiles at your words while wincing in pain. “I love you too, doll, but you’re crushing my already crushed ribs,” he informed, his words oozing with pain.

You quickly jump off of him. “Sorry, I forgot," you said sheepishly, hovering over him with your horrible haircut falling to his sides.

You bring your hand to his face, brushing off the matted dirt on his face with your thumb. Bucky's heart was going to burst at the sight of you. Eyes glimmering from the tears brimming at its' edges with the brightest smile on your face, relieved and happy that he was alive.

Bucky never thought he could have this again. Someone to worry for him. Someone to care for him. Someone to miss him if he didn't wake up. Someone that loved him until their dying breath.

After all the cruel, inhumane acts he had committed he didn't believe he deserved this nor did he think he would ever get it again. It felt so good to be wanted, to be loved; especially to be loved by you.

You were so perfect in his eyes, too good for him and this world. An ethereal being that didn't belong on this bloody, chaotic battlefield. But you were here and most importantly you were with him.

He wanted to reach up and kiss you until his lips were swollen and he was out of breath, but his current state restrained him to lay flat on the ground. You lean into him as if you knew what he wanted. His fingers weaved into your uneven locks as you pressed your sweet lips against his, giving him a taste of heaven.

Maybe he didn't deserve you, but he had you and he knew he wasn't going to let you go anytime soon.

"Bro, we are literally on the battlefield," Sam deadpanned from behind you. "Can y'all not make out right now."

Steve shook his head with a sigh. "I don't get paid enough for this."

Adoration: noun. deep love and respect.

Bucky was nervous as he led you to the dance floor. This was his first dance with you. His first dance with the newly-wed Mrs. Barnes.

Never in a million years did he think he would get married. Maybe he thought about it a couple of times back in the forties, but after seventy years of the crap he had gone through not once did he believe he'd have this life again. But life always had a way of making the unexpected happen.

He wrapped his arm around your waist gently with his other hand holding the other. He stood enamored by your beauty and grace feeling the urge to cry again. Just like the way he did when he saw you walking down the aisle. But he held it back with a smile as he began to dance with you in his arms.

Your dress flowed with you as Bucky led you through your first dance. Unlike him, you weren't much of a dancer and had spent hours practicing for this very moment.

Bucky chuckles to himself.

"What is it?"

"I'm surprised you haven't stepped on my foot yet," he commented.

"That's because I've stepped on Steve's too many times. I'm a pro at this now."

"Dancing with other men, huh?" Bucky asked in a teasing tone. "I don't think you're husband is going to appreciate that."

"It's good to keep him a little jealous," you replied in a whisper.

"You are going to be one very troublesome wife."

"Should've thought about that before putting a ring on it, Barnes."

"I didn't need to think twice. It wouldn't be anyone but you."

You blushed in the dimly lit room at his words. "And I'd never want to imagine not being with you. I love you, Bucky, more than anything."

"I don't deserve you," he confessed.

You shake your head in denial. "You deserve all the good things this world has to offer."

"Then you may just be the best out of everything," he replied with a heartwarming smile on his face as he lifts his arm allowing you to twirl. Your dress fans out in elegance as you giggled quietly with inexplicable joy. The corners of your eyes were crinkled as your face sparkled with happiness. Bucky marveled at the sight before him, creating a memory he would keep forever.

He pulls you back in this time closer than before. His sweet blue eyes adoring every little thing he loved about you.

"I love you, Mrs. Barnes," he said earning a sweet smile from you as his forehead rested against your own swaying to the music. "Till the end of this earth and forevermore."

You look up at him through your lashes and just the thought of getting to see those pretty eyes pooling with love, admiring his every imperfection for the rest of his life had him giddy on the inside.

You lift your head ever so gently and plant your lips against his in a searing kiss. The first in a string of many others. An initiation into a lifetime with you.

His beautiful wife with her infectious smile and healing laughter. His partner-in-crime. His danger-prone, game-loving crazy cat-lady. The source of his happiness. The solution to all his problems. 

His Panacea.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

Young Love and an Episode of Friends (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

Summary: Bakugou’s always called you useless, especially because of your inconvenient quirk and love for ‘stupid TV shows’, but you’re determined to prove him wrong.

Hehe what kind of fangirl am I? Posting this just a day before Kacchan’s birthday...? Ah but I’m cruel lol... cuz there gonna be some ANGST in here guys... ENJOY~! And enjoy the American Horror Story Allusions!

BTW SORRY FOR ANY OOC-NESS!!

Featuring: Lord Explosion Murder!!

Your Quirk: Descensum

You can astral project and travel deep into spiritual planes and cross into the afterlife, but not returning to your physical body in 15 minutes will result in death. 

You sighed as you retreated back into the comfort of your neighborhood, shaking your head at another failed attempt to talk to him. Bakugou was so difficult sometimes, even though you loved him. You knew you did, most people said it was only a ‘crush’, but you knew that you loved that jerk with all your heart. No matter how many times he hurt your feelings.

But while your heart longed for him, your brain was also telling you (like many of your other friends) that you deserved better than how he was treating you.

“You know if you need anyone… a listening ear or anything at all Katsuki, I’m here. I’m always here…” You had said to him, but all he did was scowl at you, almost looking insulted that you had offered him such a thing.

“Tch, shut up… I don’t need your help, or anyone else’s. Besides, why the hell are you offering help? You can’t do shit… not with your useless quirk, or in general.” His words were scathing and cutting you slowly, but you endured them for the sake of your friendship. Especially after everything that had happened to his class from the Summer Camp incident, the kidnapping, the Culture Festival and everything else that was currently going on.

Sure you were just a student from the General Studies due to your passive quirk, but it didn’t mean you didn’t want to help. Your friend Shinsou was able to rise above the ranks after all and his quirk was passive like yours. You wanted to help out in any way too, even if you were still in the General Studies.

“I might not have the most practical quirk, but that’s not important… I mean it, I’m not just saying stuff, look I know it hasn’t been an easy time for you and your class and I want to try and-“ He quickly cut you off before you could keep talking.

“You want to try and what? To feel important?” Bakugou scoffed at you as you almost timidly looked away from the ferocity in his eyes. “No that’s not…”

“Don’t bullshit me. It’s always been that… all you’ve done is follow me and that damn nerd your entire life because of how weak you are.” He said, not seeming to care that you were visibly hurting from every word he was saying.

“Your quirk is useless in battle. And you can’t even use it without a time limit holding you back… when’s the last time you’ve heard of a hero who saved people with astral projection? You’re better off quirkless.”

It surprised you to hear him say that, since you swore he almost sounded concerned as his hardened features softened ever so slightly, at least until he just glared at you again. “So don’t go offering something you can’t give.” Bakugou said one last time before he turned his back to you and left you alone outside the Heights Alliance.

Which is what led you to where you were at now, on your way back home where you would wallow in your room for the rest of the day. Maybe you would get lucky another time.

…

On the weekends you made sure to try and hang out with Izuku and Bakugou as much as possible, even though they were often busy with their schoolwork since they had much different work than you did. However, you still made sure to at least say ‘hi’ or even offer to hang out with them.

Today you got lucky thanks to the sweet Kirishima and Mina inviting you on their trip to the mall that they had to drag Bakugou to. Which amused you as you snickered at how Sero and Kaminari literally pulled him along.

You did try to talk to him again though, just to try and ease his bad mood. “Hee~… since you’re finally having a break from all your work, do you wanna come over to my house and watch  an episode of Friends?” You offered with a smile, but Bakugou wasn’t even giving you a smirk.

“No.” His reply was quick. “That show is overrated. I don’t get it.” He added, which kind of disappointed you since he knew you liked that show, but you knew he just wasn’t big on it. Though, you remembered when he would watch it with you during your middle school years.

You really missed those days. Bakugou wasn’t exactly sweet back then either, but lately he’s just been all stick and no sugar. At least some days he would humor and reluctantly watch a ‘stupid show’ with you just so you would stop bothering him.

But you didn’t want to fight so you shrugged your shoulders, “Well it ain’t for everyone.” You said passively, wanting to just avoid any kind of confrontation, “Do you maybe want to go stop someplace for ice cream maybe?”

“No.” Another quick reply, and you could tell he was getting annoyed with your offers. Instead of getting upset though, you just pouted.

Bakugou didn’t miss your disappointment though, he was aware that his answers were putting you down. It’s not that he didn’t care about your feelings, but he couldn’t waste his time just fooling around when he had his training to focus on. Admittedly, he did kind of miss just hanging out with you a little bit, but you would never know that because he wasn’t going to drop his priorities for you. He didn’t like to acknowledge his weaknesses, even though he was coming to terms that he still had a lot of work to do.

And after much denial, he eventually told himself that you were one of those weaknesses, and he hated it. He hated you for it too; he hated that he actually gave a shit about you and at times did worry about you. You would never know though, he would never let you know.

Which is why he was so annoyed with your constant offers to hang out, and how ignorant you were to how he felt. Why were you so attached to him?

He growled lightly when he saw you trying to come up with something else. You were so oblivious it was pissing him off.

“Ooh, well hey how about maybe next week we go and see the new Avengers? We can even cut in front of everyone and be the first ones in.” You suggested with a big grin, because you had been going on and on to your friends about how excited you were for that movie. Especially Izuku and Shinsou, your two closest friends besides Bakugou.

Now you were positive that Bakugou would accept this offer, but all he did was give you that same glare. “Like I’ve been saying only a hundred fucking times, No! Instead of focusing on fake heroes in those damn TV shows and movies, maybe you should focus on your own work, stupid.”

Okay, that hurt.

“Okay… jeez… you know you don’t always have to be such an asshole.” You crossed your arms and pouted, but Bakugou didn’t yield. “Whatever.” He muttered, feeling like arguing with you would be a waste of time he walked ahead of you to leave you again.

You watched him walk away, your pout turning more into a frown as you sighed heavily and started walking into another direction.

“I just wanna go home in bed, eat cookie dough ice cream and watch Friends for the rest of my life…” You muttered to yourself as you peered inside a furniture store that had everything from mattresses, wide flat-screen TV’s and sofas. The perfect environment to wallow in misery.

Who the hell did Katsuki think he was? You wondered as you walked into the store and sat down on one of the mattresses. It was nice and soft, and you wondered in amusement if Shinsou’s mentor Mr. Aizawa would like this bed.

To get a better feel of the material, you lied down and rather enjoyed the billowy cushion. It helped that your quirk required to lie down so you could let your soul project from your body freely. Your quirk wasn’t useless, it was cool. In fact, you felt like Eleven from Stranger Things.

As you closed your eyes, you decided to experiment with your quirk that required you to chant the magic words.

“Spiritu duce, in me est. Deduce me in tenebris vita ad extremum, ut salutaret inferi… Descensum!”

You felt yourself almost sink rather quickly as your soul left your body and transported you to the other plane. As you opened your eyes, you saw your body lying on the bed, without a soul as you turned to see other people just walking about in the mall.

Giggling a bit, you momentarily walked around the small store and when someone walked right past you, they cringed and shuddered. Clearly, they could feel your presence but just couldn’t explain it as you tried not to laugh.

Feeling adventurous you opened your arms out and jumped up to float about among the spiritual plane, looking around the mall in awe as it looked much smaller in mid-air. And as you floated around, you saw Kaminari with Sero, and Mina with Jiro! And you tried not to snicker when you saw Bakugou yelling at a sheepish looking Kirishima.

You wondered what they were all talking about…

However, you couldn’t have too much fun because spiritual planes were all fun and games until you got yourself stuck in another part of the netherworlds and couldn’t find your way back without some otherworldly forces interfering and keeping you from going back to your body.

So you flew back to the store, but before you could return to your body you noticed that you weren’t alone when you noticed a pair of yellow eyes staring right at you.

It was a man, or at least it appeared to be a man. He was tall and strange-looking with a white face smeared in black and white skeletal make-up along with a black suit and tie and a rather nice top black hat. The man smiled at you, almost politely as you blinked slowly. It became clear to you that he must have had a similar quirk of sorts, but this was kind of making you uncomfortable, so you quickly made your way back into your body.

You took a deep breath as you opened your eyes. One thing about your quirk is that every time you came back, it felt like coming alive just shortly after dying since your body was empty without your soul to occupy it. Which was somewhat dangerous since anything and anybody could do things with your body as long as your soul wasn’t in it.

But the scariest part was that you would supposedly die if you didn’t return to your body in 15 minutes according to your mother, whose mother had the same quirk and had died from herself. You wondered if that’s why Bakugou was such an ass to you when it came to your quirk. Maybe he worried about you. Since your mother had explained to you that your quirk, called ‘Descensum’, was a hereditary one that supposedly came a bloodline of witches from Salem.

Thankfully you had gotten pretty good with coming back to your body at a record of 5 minutes each time you descended. But after seeing that person you just wanted to go back to the Bakusquad and then go home to watch Friends and eat ice cream like you had planned.

However, as soon as you exited the store the same man you saw startled you by appearing right beside you.

“Your quirk is quite fascinating young one.” The man said in the smoothest tone you had ever heard from anyone. For some reason he reminded you of that villain you heard of from Shigaraki’s gang of goons. Mr. Compress you think was the name.

But it kind of alarmed you that this person knew and witnessed your quirk at work (Hey that rhymed). And you couldn’t be so trusting since Izuku had an ordeal of his own with Shigaraki here at this mall. Who’s to say that this person wasn’t a villain in disguise?

“Thank you. Not many people seem to think so… honestly sometimes I don’t think so either.” You shyly mumbled, smiling just a little bit for the sake of being polite despite your discomfort, and this stranger seemed to know it.

“You are welcome. Do not let their words convince you that your quirk has no use.”

“I try… but… you’d be amazed at how some words can hurt…”

“Especially when those words are from the young spitfire Katsuki Bakugou. Correct?” You gasped and widened your eyes a bit. How did he know about Bakugou?

“H-How did you know…?”

“I know many a great deal about the people I set my eyes upon. It comes with my own little gift.” He smiled almost sweetly, keeping his luminous amber eyes on you the whole time and unsettling your very skin. Was he looking into your soul? Was that his quirk?

You didn’t want to be rude, but you couldn’t help but ask. “Um… who are you exactly?” You asked as politely as possible, and he gave a rather jaunty chuckle.

“I like to call myself ‘Shinigami’.” He answered, and that made you wonder if he had some kind of death-related quirk given his appearance and namesake. Although you didn’t want to be quick to judge since some of the other kids in Class 1-A were quite strange in appearance such as that raven boy Tokoyami, or the multi-armed boy Shoji, but you heard from Izuku that they were some of the nicest guys in the class.

And this man was treating you kindly enough, but the secrecy in his gentlemanly smile and demeanor didn’t make you feel at ease at all.

“There was fear you know? For all his bravado there was fear during the time when he was kidnapped. Thoughts going through his head… wondering… would he ever see his classmates again? His friends? His parents? Would he ever see you again?” Shinigami began saying these things that didn’t make sense, at least until you pieced them together and your eyes widened ever so slightly as your mouth dropped a little bit. Did he mean that Bakugou was actually afraid when he was kidnapped by the League of Villains. You always assumed that he was, but he never admitted it or really even talked about it with you. And it shocked you when this person said that Bakugou actually thought about you during that time in his life…

Did he really think about you in that traumatic moment?

However, instead of dwelling on that too much, you were becoming extremely creeped out by just how much this person knew about your friend, and possibly your other friends if what he said about his quirk implied anything. “I-I don’t think…”

“It was one of the most terrible times in his life. Behind that machismo lies a little boy who was frightened by the big scary men and women who were able to take him away and render him powerless just for a moment… and to have his childhood idol risk everything for him after?” Shinigami’s smile turned ominous, even if it wasn’t you he was talking about. It didn’t mean you weren’t freaked out, but you were glad Bakugou wasn’t here. You didn’t want to imagine how he would have reacted if he heard this stranger delving far too much into his personal life and picking at old wounds.

“Truly… it impacted him greatly… it is something the boy can never truly forget… but he will never let you know it… his care for you is genuine… but he is much more interested in pushing you away…” He finally stopped his creepy talk, but as soon as it became more about you, it made you gasp a bit.

But the worst part is it all made perfect sense. Bakugou never confided in you about anything, even though you tried to tell him that you were always there for him, but all he did was push you away.

Just thinking about it brought tears to your eyes, even though you wondered why did you let him treat you like that? Why did you stay even though he was mean to you? Why were you so attached to him?

“You love him.” Shinigami seemed to read your emotions and answered all the questions you were asking yourself. The man sounded like he was touched, but you couldn’t tell if it was genuine. You blushed heavily at the accusation, but you were finding it difficult to argue, “I-I don’t… I… no that’s not it…” You weren’t fooling anyone, not even yourself.

“You love him, but he does not love you the way you love him. He thinks you are weak. A distraction. Why do you think he does not confide in you? It would be a waste of his time…”

Shinigami’s words almost sounded slower as he talked, but it didn’t mean you didn’t hear what he was saying. They seemed to slow down just so you would be forced to hear and let the reality sink in.

Bakugou didn’t love you the way you loved him. He thought you were weak. A distraction for him. A waste of his time.

As the words rung in your head, singing the song that was crumbling your heart and bringing you a special kind of pain that felt hellish. You remembered your other friends. Like Izuku and Shinsou, two guys who you knew were in your corner. They had your back. Izuku was always there for you, and Shinsou grew a soft spot for you since you both bonded over your quirks during his time in the General Studies.

“Why waste your own time on a man who does not love you?” Shinigami then asked you, and once you slowly got over the pain of reality, you looked at him, and you shook your head.

“I do love him. I don’t think giving him the time of day is a waste of time though. Katsuki’s an asshole but he’s my friend. But I think I’ll have to kick his ass to make him never forget that… or at least tell him to stop being so mean to me all the damn time…” You came to that conclusion. As much as you loved Katsuki, you didn’t want to put up with his bullshit anymore, but you didn’t want to break off the friendship either.

And you were positive that you could try and get him to ease up just a little bit and see that you weren’t any of the things he called you. You weren’t weak or a distraction. You would be a hero just like him and just as strong as him.

You could do it.

Shinigami almost looked disappointed with what you said, however he said nothing for a while. “Young love.” He finally said, sounding like he understood but it’s clear he wasn’t happy with what he was hearing from you.

You weren’t aware of it though, but you did see his smile grow when he saw somebody over your shoulder. Turning, you saw a somewhat confused Bakugou a couple of feet away, and you blushed heavily when you thought that he might have heard everything…

Shinigami flashed the boy a smile, tipping his hat off to him but Bakugou didn’t take his politeness well as he growled at the man and quickly made his way over to you. “Who the hell are you?” He roughly asked the strange man and stood in front of you, and if you didn’t know any better, you would say that Bakugou was trying to protect you from this person.

“Just a friend. (Y/N) has a very interesting quirk you know? I find it quite fascinating.” Shinigami replied and looked him right in the eye, and you gasped a little bit as soon as he said your name, and Bakugou heard how surprised you sounded.

“Yeah right, get lost you fucking creep before I make you…” Bakugou didn’t hesitate to threaten him as his palm crackled a little bit just to give this weirdo the message. He would have yelled but he couldn’t be so sure if this person was a villain or just some freak and causing a scene would just send the entire mall into a panic. If it were a couple of months ago, he probably would have done that, but he’d been learning to at least try and assess a situation before acting. And on top of that you were right there, he wouldn’t risk you getting hurt with a potential villain so close with an unknown quirk that would probably harm you.

Thankfully Shinigami didn’t seem very put off by his behavior as he only smiled, “Very well then. Farewell children. I think we will see each other again quite soon…”

Even as the man walked away, only then did you feel genuinely scared, “Katsuki… I never told him my name…” You admitted, and even though Shinigami did imply that his quirk let him know many things without a person telling him, it still freaked you out.

“Well maybe don’t talk to strangers next time dumbass!” He somewhat harshly scolded you, grabbing your hand and taking you as far away as possible from this place. Like hell he was going to leave you alone after this.

You tried not to smile, but you couldn’t really help it. You knew he cared!

…

After a while, you thought about telling the police about that strange man who had talked to you and made you uncomfortable. But you ultimately decided not to as Bakugou walked you home, and once again turned down your offer to watch at least one episode of Friends with you.

Sighing you sat on your sofa, all by yourself since your parents were still at work. They were usually at work which somewhat bothered you, but they loved you so it wasn’t too bad. You just wish someone was here with you.

You couldn’t rely on Bakugou though, and you didn’t want to interrupt any of his friends since they were likely with him. And as much as you didn’t want to bother your other friends, the loneliness was getting a little bit too much so…

You pulled out your phone and started texting your two other best friends. Izuku and Shinsou.

‘Hey Izuku. Srry 4 sudden text. But if u’re not busy. Feel free 2 come over 2 my house. Gonna watch Friends.’

God you felt dumb and pathetic just for texting your friend, and immediately you expected him to say no. And so you decided to text Shinsou too.

‘Hi Toshi. Gonna watch Friends. Wanna watch with a friend? AKA Me?’

You kind of snickered at your terrible pun as you instantly got a text back from him.

‘That is your worst pun yet.’

‘But Sure.’

You nearly jumped up from your sofa, grinning widely when your friend ACTUALLY took up your offer and was going to come to your place. And your joy didn’t cease when Izuku texted back shortly afterward.

‘Hi (Y/N)! Sure thing. I’m not busy so sure I would love to watch Friends with you.’

Izuku really was a sweetheart. You were sure he probably could have said no if he wanted to but he seemed to actually like spending time with you so that just made you happy.

‘AWESOME! THANK U SM!! Invite the rest of the Dekusquad if u want, I’m lonely.’

You somewhat bluntly texted and added a smiley and sadface emoji. For a moment you regretted texting that last bit, but deep down you knew Izuku understood.

And so when they did show up, you were beyond overjoyed as you grinned and giggled, “Izuku~!” You quickly flustered your friend by hugging him rather tightly, “A-Ah! H-H-Hey (Y/N)… i-it’s g-good to see you too…” He stuttered as he blushed quite madly from how you hugged him in front of his friends. Even though he was used to your hugs and he liked them, the fact that you and him weren’t children anymore, and the fact that physically you were all grown-up, made him feel rather… awkward and shy when it came to such close, physical contact.

You almost missed how Uraraka, Iida and Tsuyu were blushing as you just smiled widely to see your company. Much like with the Bakusquad, you were pretty chummy with the Dekusquad as they seemed to enjoy you and you sure enjoyed them. “Hey ya’ll~. Welcome to House (L/N).” You somewhat dramatically invited them all in.

“Hi (Y/N)! Thanks for inviting us!” Uraraka sweetly thanked you, and you smiled and bowed to the girl. She was such a sweetheart to you and Izuku and you adored her.

“Yeah, that was nice of you.” And there was Tsuyu, who just seemed to rub you the right way because you loved the girl. She was nice.

“I will never say ‘no’ to a Friends marathon~. Thank you kindly for thinking of me (Y/N)~.” Aoyama seemed to be flirting with you, at least that’s what you were getting as you smiled awkwardly but happily.

“Please forgive our intrusion (L/N)!” Before Iida could go on and on about thanking you for your hospitality you quickly waved him off, “No, no Iida there ain’t nothin’ to forgive, I’m so excited ya’ll are here. I’m ‘bout to watch a Friends Marathon~. And don’t worry, I got plenty of food for this exact thing.” You politely said to the much taller boy as you let your classmates make themselves at home and you turned on the TV.

However, you got nervous as soon as you saw Todoroki. He seemed confused, albeit partially interested in his surroundings. It was hard to pinpoint, but you considered him a friend and vice-versa because he was nice to Izuku and he found you interesting and tolerable enough to be around.

“I wasn’t sure what Midoriya meant when you said a ‘Friends’ marathon.” The heterochromatic boy admitted, and you gasped somewhat loudly. It didn’t necessarily startle Todoroki, but he was confused by your reaction. “Friends is only one of the greatest shows of all time dude! It’s about a group of friends of course, but that’s just it… you see them struggle together and get through the hard times together and it just… it’s funny, it makes you feel good, and on top of that you get the musical delights from Phoebe Buffet.” You explained it to Todoroki, and he still didn’t seem to understand, but the look in his eyes implied that he did want to know a little bit more.

“I see.” He replied neutrally, but you just smiled and led him to your couch, “Put your butt here, and just watch, you’ll see what I mean.” You advised and Todoroki did comply even though he was still confused.

But you immediately got up as soon as you heard your doorbell, and cheerfully ran over because you knew who that was.

“Hitoshi~!” You ended up hugging him as soon as you opened the door, and unlike Izuku, Shinsou appeared somewhat more annoyed. But he didn’t push you away, and instead took the time to notice Izuku and the rest of his friends.

“Shinsou! Hi there.” Izuku was clearly happy to see him, but Shinsou didn’t exactly return the feelings.

“What are they doing here?” He asked somewhat curtly. Despite being on better terms with them than he was during the Sports festival, he still didn’t entirely like them that much.

“It’s a Friends Marathon ‘Tosh, that means I gotta watch it with Friends.” You clarified with your own bizarre logic, but Shinsou just sighed in annoyance. “That doesn’t make any sense…” He muttered and shook his head.

But he made the mistake of looking at your not-so-subtle puppy dog eyes, “C’mon~… they’re not that bad~. They’re here to watch Friends too after all… anyone who watches that show has to be good right? I’ll let ya sit next to me~.” You tried to convince him to stay even if he wasn’t that into Izuku’s friend group, but he couldn’t say no to you. Well, he could, but he didn’t want to…

He liked you too much to just crush you like that.

“Fine. I have nothing better to do.” Shinsou shrugged his shoulders, his words sounded cold but they lacked the coldness to them as he did sit next to you on the couch as you happily cheered. “YAY~!!”

I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU~

You were thankful for Izuku, Shinsou and the rest of the Dekusquad for last weekend. You were sure you would have died of loneliness and boredom if they didn’t show up to watch Friends with you. It was times like this that made you feel so lucky to have such awesome friends like them, especially Izuku and Shinsou. Although, you did wish that Bakugou could have been there…

Even if he probably would have complained and insulted you the whole time. And Izuku for that matter…

However, deep down you knew that he cared. He certainly proved it plenty of times…

And you wanted to see if maybe he was in the mood for talking today. Secretly you doubted it, but it didn’t hurt to try right? At least you would get to see Izuku and Shinsou. But before you could even try to go and see Class 1-A during lunch break, the alarm suddenly made you stop in your tracks.

You could already hear some of the students becoming frazzled and shouting, many wondering if it was a repeat of the USJ incident. But instead of freaking out like they had done, Iida stood up to let everyone evacuate in an orderly fashion. Unlike last time, it wasn’t the media that had trespassed onto the campus, as Nezu’s voice alarmed the students when he made the announcement that a mysterious figure had been spotted on the campus.

With that, everyone had promptly been told to exit the school safe and sound with the pro-heroes accompanying them closely as they each went home. Whereas All-Might and Mr. Aizawa led Class 1-A back to Heights Alliance.

But instead of going home with the rest of the General Studies, you had snuck out and followed Class 1-A. You had your own plans…

“(Y/N)? What are you doing here…? You should have gone home with the others.” Shinsou was the first to notice that you had somehow gotten in here, even though he shouldn’t have been surprised. You had a knack for being sneaky.

“Easy. I snuck in. And apparently so did some weirdo… but… I have a plan.” You said, smirking almost confidently.

Shinsou looked at you like you had to have been crazy, or stupid. “The pro-heroes advised our class to stay inside the building and for the other students to go home. We can’t do anything especially since we don’t even know what this person’s quirk could be.”

You nodded, obviously you weren’t stupid, but you had a good feeling about this, “I know that.” You said and started walking to the hall where you were sure the others were at, “But! This is where my quirk will come in handy. I’m not Hagakure but if I’m out and about in the spiritual plane I can try and find this person and tell Mr. Aizawa where they’re at.” It sounded like a good plan when you said it outloud, and although Shinsou couldn’t find a lot of flaws in that plan, he wasn’t so sure how the others would take that.

He thought about it for a moment, knowing your quirk almost better than you did as he sighed, “You can’t spend too much time in the spiritual plane.” Shinsou’s tone was as stoic and low as ever, but you could hear the subtle hint of worry in there. You smiled at your friend.

“I know. But I always come back.” You said with a wink as you started waving as soon as you saw Izuku, Bakugou and Todoroki with Uraraka, Tsuyu, Aoyama, Kirishima and Iida. “You guys~!” You sounded way too cheerful despite the situation and many of them were surprised to see you here. Especially Izuku and Bakugou.

“(Y-Y/N)!”

“What the hell are you doing here idiot?!”

Of course you expected to hear that from Izuku and Bakugou respectively. “Um I don’t know, saving the day, coming to help?”

“(L/N)! You should not be here! You should have gone home with the others in your class! Though… I suppose you can’t leave now. It wouldn’t be wise to leave now with a suspect on the loose…” Iida didn’t even listen to you, he just scolded you for going against what the pro-heroes told you to do.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know I should have gone home, but I was just tellin’ Toshi here that I think I can find this villain for the teachers. After all… my quirk means that I can basically just wander about freely in the other planes.” You stated with a smile, and you managed to convince Uraraka and Kirishima.

“Oh! I get it! Because they can’t see you when you leave your body! Like a ghost! A villain can’t see a ghost.” Kirishima understood your plan, and so far was the only one who had even a bit of hope in you. “That’s right! Souls are like spirits… they shouldn’t be able to see you! And you can check every area in the school.” Uraraka also got the gist of your plan. So far that was two people that thought you could really help.

Now it was time for the skeptics. “(L/N)’s quirk could be useful. But we don’t know what this potential villain’s quirk is. If their quirk somehow counters yours, you could be in danger.” Todoroki saw the flaw in your plan, but he wasn’t saying to be rude, just realistic, and you understood that.

“H-He’s right. I think you should just stay here with us. You’ll be safe (Y/N).” Izuku agreed with Todoroki, but he was more worried than anything. It wasn’t that he wasn’t confident in you, he just didn’t want you to take such a big risk.

“And you can’t just take action! That’s the teacher’s job! It’s wise to just let them do their jobs and not get involved. They specifically told the students to stay out of the situation.” Iida was thinking mainly about your safety, but you didn’t really listen to him.

“It’s not taking action, it’s offering help. If we sit here and do nothing, how can we call ourselves heroes? How can I call myself a hero? I might not be in the Hero Course, but I came to this school to try and become a hero. I have to try…” You explained to your friends, and as much as they were worried about you, that little speech of yours had them speechless for a moment.

Bakugou wouldn’t admit it, but for once he agreed with Deku and Iida. Albeit, mostly with telling you to just stay put, he wanted to go after that damn villain himself, but at this point he knew better than to just rush in blindly. And ironically, he was about to scold you for attempting to do just that, “It’s not like your quirk will actually help. It’s useless… even if you just find the bastard, then what?” But he just had to shoot you down. But it was only because he wouldn’t ever let you know that your descending scared him though and so he never sugar-coated anything to you, nor did he act all nice to you and shit, because he wouldn’t let anyone see that he was soft on you. Not even you.

“Well that’s the point now isn’t it? I can’t be the most useless one in UA all the time.” You shrugged your shoulders, pretending to pop the joints in your fingers, but your joke didn’t amuse Bakugou in the slightest.

“Tch. Don’t even try it stupid. It’s a fucking suicide mission. You can’t even fight back to save yourself.” He muttered, not seeming entirely worried since he knew you always came back. But he really hated your quirk, even if you always returned from those spirit worlds or whatever. It was kind of unsettling.

You rolled your eyes and nodded, “I won’t HAVE to fight back and I SO could fight back if I had to… and when I come back you’ll see that I’m not as useless or pathetic as I seem Katsuki.” Not wanting to lose what little pride you had, you pointed at him with a determined tone before you lied down on the floor and he just stared down at you as you did so. As he always did…

“And when I come back under 5 minutes, yooooou… have to take me to see Endgame~. I already got you a ticket~.” You sang-songed and showed off the tickets you brought in advance, waving them up in his face, much to Bakugou’s immense annoyance. “Forget it Shitty Girl!”

“Too late, bet’s made~.” You sang again with a giggle as Bakugou glared and growled at you angrily, but you thought it was hilarious.

“Wait! (Y/N)… are you sure about this?” Izuku no longer attempted to argue with you, but he had to ask, because he was much more openly afraid whenever you left the physical plane. He knew the consequences of your quirk, and he was worried about the villain possibly seeing you. Even though he knew that you might as well have been a ghost when you crossed into the spiritual plane and no one could see you. He was still worried…

The rest of his class had experience with villains, and you didn’t.

“I’m positive Izuku. I’m coming back. I always do. I can’t always be yours and Katsuki’s standing-on-the-sidelines friend. My quirk is just as useful as you guys’ and I’m going to prove it. I’ll find the person and tell Mr. Aizawa where they’re at. They won’t find me either, I’m feeling pretty confident about that!” You claimed with a rather enthusiastic tone, but you only convinced Uraraka, Tsuyu, Iida, Kirishima and Aoyama.

“W-Well…” Izuku wanted to try and argue, but Bakugou quickly shut him up, “Don’t coddle her all the damn time Deku. It’s probably why she’s so weak.” He said snidely to his childhood friends, much to Izuku’s displeasure and you could only roll your eyes.

“Dude come on… why you gotta be so mean?” Kirishima actually kind of scolded his friend, which just earned him Bakugou’s trademark glare. But Kirishima liked you, he thought you were cool and as much as he liked the guy, he certainly did not like the way he treated you often.

“I am NOT weak! I’m coming back and I’m finding that son of a bitch. I can’t wait to see the look on your face when I come back. So suck my dick~.” You smirked a bit just to see that annoyed scowl on his face one last time before you set the timer on your phone for 15 minutes.

“Please be careful (Y/N)…” Izuku said to you as he nervously glanced at you on the floor.

You smiled sweetly up at him, happy that at least one of your childhood friends was showing concern. “I will Izuku. I’ll be back by the time you know it. In the meantime… take care of my body.” You said rather confidently as your friends (sans Bakugou) smiled at you and wished you luck as you closed your eyes.

To recite the spell, you placed your arms outward and began to chant the incantation from your mother.

“Spiritu duce, in me est. Deduce me in tenebris vita ad extremum, ut salutaret inferi… Descensum!”

With a zooming rush, you felt yourself descending into an abyss of dreadful familiarity that felt a little darker and hollower than before. And as soon as you opened your eyes, you found yourself in the spiritual plane. Everything looked the same, you could see Katsuki, Izuku, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima, Aoyama and Iida each looking down at your now soulless body in concern and anticipation.

But this was good, now that you were in the spiritual plane you could just float about and focus on the suspect that had been spotted around the campus. You got up to leave Heights Alliance but made sure to search around the building in case the suspect was around the area, but you found nothing.

So you flew through the air, looking in every direction as you scanned the Ground Beta, the Gymnasium and the entire campus closely. In mid-air you saw nothing, nobody except maybe the teachers who were also searching for the culprit. They couldn’t see anyone either, nor did they have any luck in finding anyone suspicious.

It was quite strange. Because you weren’t seeing anyone hiding, unless they had a quirk like Hagakure’s, but you didn’t count on that given that Principal Nezu said that this suspect had been spotted.

For a moment you wondered if it was just a prank from some other rival school trying to scare the students. You didn’t want to give up just yet, but you couldn’t be in this plane too long.

Now all that was left was to get back to your body. You flew as fast as you could back to the familiar building, smiling as soon as you approached the door and got on your feet to run back to where your body and friends were at.

However, as soon as you reached the hallway you didn’t see your body, or your friends anywhere. Did they leave and take you to another room? You wondered…

The atmosphere looked darker, and an uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine as you looked around and got a feeling of the air around you. It made you feel almost sick when darkness started creeping around the corners. A gasp escaped you as your eyes widened in horror. This wasn’t Heights Alliance, it was some upside-down, dark version of it. As soon as you took the first step inside, everything felt wrong. You could feel it in the stale air as you slowly walked. Something in your mind told you to just escape because this was a trap, but you weren’t sure if you would even be able to do that…

And you paused as soon as your shoe hit what felt like a puddle…

Looking down you saw your reflection in a crimson pool, your eyebrows shooting up in horror as you gasped quietly and felt your heartbeat speeding up as you reluctantly looked forward. There were bodies all over the floor.

Jirou. Mina. Yaoyorozu. Sero. Kaminari. Tokoyami. Shoji. Hagakure. All of them…

“O-Oh my God… Oh my God…!! Mina! Momo! Denki?! H-Hanta?! Guys?! Please… oh please tell me you guys are still alive…” You got down to try and move the body that belonged to ‘Yaoyorozu’, trying in vain to wake her up but the body was limp and cold to the touch. “Momo wake up! Momo wake up…” Your voice broke as you tried to shake her awake, but you saw blood on the corner of her mouth and a deep gash staining her stomach…

Your eyes widened in horror as you looked closer and reluctantly at the rest of your friends. They all had similar wounds to the stomach, the back of their heads, and there were some broken bones…

What happened to them while you were gone? Was it the villain? Where were they now...?

“I told you you couldn’t help… Shitty Girl…” You gasped loudly and turned sharply to see Bakugou, battered and beaten with streams of blood gushing from his mouth, nose and the top of his head, tresses of his blonde hair caked in scarlet.

“Katsuki…” It wasn't just him, you also saw them.

Izuku, Shinsou, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima, Iida and Aoyama...

All of them, fallen and beaten bloody as they lied in puddles of their blood. Some barely moving and only half-alive as Shinsou slowly peered up at you, wanting to speak but no sound came from his lips.

"(Y-Y/N)... you have to go..." You heard Izuku croak where he lied, and you shook your head in horror. "I-I'm not leaving ya'll..." You refused to leave, but you were beyond confused and scared as hell. This felt so real and yet so artificial that it was shaking your very core and terrifying you as you held your arms, hyperventilating as you failed to calm yourself down as the image of your bloodied friends was becoming too much for you to handle.

Unbeknownst to you, 10 minutes had passed and Bakugou audibly growled as he began pacing back and forth irritably while the rest of his classmates just kept watching you with worry in their eyes. They've seen your quirk work before, and you almost always came back in 5 minutes or less, sometimes you took 7 minutes, but this was so far the longest you have taken and it was starting to concern them. Izuku, Uraraka and Iida looked the most worried as Izuku ran his shaking fingers through his hair while Aoyama and Uraraka tried to comfort him by placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Calm down Midoriya… I am confident in (L/N)’s abilities. She’s a clever girl.” Iida tried to reassure his friend, even though it was clear that he was becoming increasingly concerned too.

“I’ve always seen her come back.” Shinsou, while not as close to Izuku as the others, tried to calm him down since he’s always seen you come back and was always there every time you did return to the physical plane. Even during close calls Shinsou was there every time to see you come back with at least 5 minutes on the clock. But once it was down to 4 minutes…

Now he was starting to worry.

Even the less than emotive Todoroki and Tsuyu were beginning to look worried when your phone went down to 4 minutes.

“She has 4 minutes left…” Todoroki muttered quietly, his eyebrows furrowing ever so slightly. Would you really die if you didn’t come back by then?

While Izuku’s friends barely contained their anxiety, Kirishima concealed his growing concern by trying to calm down Bakugou even though he was on the verge of freaking out himself. “Relax now man…”

“How the hell can I fucking relax?! What the hell’s taking her so long?! She always comes back by 5 minutes! 5 MINUTES!”

“She probably found the suspect." Tsuyu deducted, keeping her cool even though she was getting more worried with each passing second, "If she's taking this long it means that she definitely found something and is probably trying to figure something out wherever she's at." She tried to think of why you might have been taking so long, but neglected to say the very real possibility that either you found something, or something found you. Because she's learned from her consequences of speaking her mind too much, and stating that possibility would just make everyone, including herself, freak out if it were said out loud.

But even if Tsuyu didn't say it, Bakugou wasn't comforted or reassured because Tsuyu had to have been right. You definitely found something because you never took this long. Never...

“Oh my God… no stop it… whoever’s doin’ this just stop it…” You didn’t believe that this was your Katsuki. He might have looked and sounded just like him, but you refused to believe that this was your Katsuki. And part of you wanted to hope that these people weren't you classmates either, they were just illusions...

But why did they look so real?

"You did this yourself you fucking idiot... I told you to just stay put... it's your own fucking fault..." 'Katsuki' said to you coldly, with a hateful glare in his drooping eyes as he suddenly choked when a sharp, squelching slash pierced right through his stomach and you gasped with wide eyes full of terror as you felt the red drops splatter on your cheeks. Your eyes quivered as you watched the dagger rip your beloved upwards and made the rest of his blood spill to the ground as he coughed and slowly collapsed to the ground as you suddenly gasped and let out a horrified wail.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

It was taking too long.

You were taking too long and the clock was ticking, which did nothing to ease the nerves of your classmates as Izuku started to pant from anxiety. You always came back by this time…

“(Y-Y/N)’s taking a long time… she never takes this long…” He shakily said to his friends, who were no longer hiding their worry but still trying to remain calm.

“She’ll come back! She always does! Just shut up Deku!” Bakugou instantly shouted at his childhood friend, not wanting to hear that you WERE taking a long time because all that did was make the tightening anxiety in his chest crush him from the inside.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

You continued to scream as the rest of your friends were slowly butchered right before your eyes by a dark figure you couldn't make out. All you could focus on was your friends being sliced up and slowly murdered right before your eyes and you couldn't do a thing to help. Even though every semblance of your being was screaming at you to move, something kept you rooted to the spot. Something that wasn't a part of you, it was some kind of force that you couldn't make out, and it forced you to stay where you were at as your friends kept screaming for you.

Again and again, you heard Izuku scream for you, and Katsuki shout when the blade stabbed him again.

"(Y/N)!"

"I told you you couldn't help..."

"O-Oh God..."

SLASH

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

"Y-You have to go..."

"O-Oh God no... no please stop..."

"You did this yourself you fucking idiot..."

SLASH

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

"It's your own fucking fault..."

"No stop it, whoever's doin' this just stop it please..."

SLASH

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

Every single time you saw them die and every time you heard Katsuki's words, you would wail and scream even louder as tears freely flowed down your face. Choking on a sob you sunk to your knees, nearly vomiting as soon as you looked at your dear friends’ bodies yet again.

Your precious Katsuki, Izuku and Shinsou…

And again.

And again.

And again…

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!”

It never ended. Even the least of the worst filled you with a despair that just made you want to just cease from existence if it meant being free of this suffering. As you feel down to your knees oncemore, you slowly peered up to see him…

Shinigami.

He stood there, watching you with his piercing, taunting gold eyes. His grin peering into your damned soul as he cackled wickedly at your torment as he forced you to stand back up as you blinked for a little bit.

The epiphany hit you as soon as you let out another scream when warm, scarlet droplets that belonged to no one other that your Katsuki, splattered on your face yet again as your tears continued to fall and mix with the redness.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!”

And This was your hell. And it was your prison that you realized you were going to relive on a constant loop.

Over and over again.

“HEY! Come back already you fucking idiot! I know you can hear me! Stop wasting your damn time you little shit!” Bakugou had come down to his knees and started to aggressively shake your shoulders in an attempt to wake you up. Hating how limp and flaccid your body felt as he glowered at you. You looked so lifeless, as if you were dead and although he didn’t and wouldn’t say it, it was so terrifying to him. You might as well have been dead everytime you used you descended into another plane.

It’s been way too long. He stared anxiously at your phone, and there was only 2 minutes left for you to come back to your body. “She’s stuck. She’s fucking stuck…” He came to that conclusion and he didn’t have to look at his classmates to see them all panicking.

“We have to help her.” Izuku quickly suggested, but he knew that there was very little time left and he honestly didn’t know how they could help you. He was so scared that he could hear his heart beat in his chest, and he was sure his classmates all felt the same fear as they looked at you with alarmed, worried glances.

“We should get Mr. Aizawa! His quirk should cancel hers out and force her to go back to her body… right…?” Kirishima thought outloud, it was wishful thinking at best, but he didn’t want to imagine worst-case scenario. And if the others were being honest, they were hoping for that…

Shinsou didn’t want to show his fear, and he wouldn’t despite his trembling hands, “Mr. Aizawa’s quirk won’t work… she has to come back on her own…” He said, albeit reluctantly as he stared at your body, secretly begging any deity that existed to help you come back…

You had to come back…

But there was only one minute left, and your body showed no signs of life or movement whatsoever.

“Follow my voice… dammit follow my voice you idiot…” Bakugou carefully picked your body up into his arms and held you close to his chest as he whispered to you, “I know you can hear me… hurry the fuck up and just follow my voice… you’re scaring the shit out of everybody…” There was no anger in his tone, only worry as he put his arms around you. He remembered the way you used to hug him every time you saw him when you were both kids.

But as the two of you got older, you stopped hugging him because you knew that he would always push you away and he scared you with his harsh attitude until you stopped. And right now, Bakugou started asking himself why? Why did he push you away?

He loved the way you hugged him. How warm you felt against his body, and now he didn’t feel anything from your body at all.

“We’re all waiting for you…” Izuku’s voice broke as tears streamed down his face that he quickly wiped away. He would not cry, he couldn’t; he knew you would come back, you had to. You just had to…

“(Y/N)…” Shinsou knew it was pointless to say your name because you couldn’t hear anyone, but he couldn’t stop the terror settling in his skin as he shook when he saw only 20 seconds left. The rest of his classmates widening their eyes and beginning to sweat as they focused on Bakugou clinging to your limp body as he shut his eyes and quietly hyperventilated.

“Come back already… Come back…! (Y/N) Come back!!” He shouted desperately as he held onto your body, cradling and rocking you. His hold tightening into a hug you couldn’t feel as warm droplets hit your cold skin.

“TIME’S UP! TIME’S UP! TIME’S UP!”

As your cheerfully voiced timer ran out, Bakugou’s hold on you suddenly loosened as he gasped sharply when he suddenly felt nothing but a shroud of dust suddenly powder his arms and fingers as he watched your body disintegrate into nothing…

He didn’t hear his classmates all shout when your body just… disintegrated. Leaving nothing but a pile of ash that dissipated quickly as they all looked wide-eyed with horror. The room was dead silent for a while, but that silence was immediately replaced with gasps that quickly turned into cries…

“(Y/N)!!!” 

Izuku fell to his knees as he wailed your name. He stared at the dust, a mix of horror, disbelief and confusion crossing his features as he let the realization sink in that his dear friend was gone and began to sob loudly and shamelessly. It was all too much for the rest of his friends as Uraraka followed shortly as she let her own tears fall, “Oh (Y/N)… (Y/N)!” Uraraka held onto Izuku to try and comfort him even though she was crying for you too.

Aoyama was horrified, and almost in disbelief. That didn’t really happen did it? He didn’t want to believe it, but the more he heard Midoriya and Uraraka cry, the more it became apparent that you did die. For once he had nothing to say as he held back a sob and hugged Izuku along with Uraraka as his tears fell and quietly cried with them.

“M-Midoriya… Uraraka… A-Aoyama, d-don’t… d-don’t cry…” Iida tried to remain firm and look strong for his distraught classmates, but the more he looked at the ashes that used to be you, the more tears fell from his glossy eyes as he choked on a sob, able to do nothing other than lower to the ground to hug his three friends after the loss of their friend.

Todoroki couldn’t believe what he saw. Did you really just die?

He saw Midoriya, Uraraka, Aoyama and Iida crying and holding each other, and then he saw Kirishima staring in horror and despair as he looked at the remains of your body.

“(Y/N)!!” He didn’t want to cry, but the feeling was way too much for him to hold in as he openly sobbed, and Tsuyu attempted to console him even though she couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. In his grief, the two shared a hug as they both cried for you.

Seeing everyone cry, only reminded Todoroki of his own past pains. He has had his loved ones taken from him before, but they never truly left him. And only then did the weight of your apparent death hit him as he stared at the dust with a gentle, but saddened look as a silent tear fell to the ground.

You were his friend…

“She was... my friend…” Shinsou thought to himself as he distanced himself from the group, covering his mouth with his hand as he held back the burning tears in his eyes but they betrayed him and ebbed down his face as he let out a strained sob.

Bakugou was silent and in a near catatonic state as he stared at the dust, his vision nearly blurring when he looked in horror when he saw some of the powder on his hands. The powder that used to be you…

And his breathing turned shallow, rapid and quiet when he remembered everything he had told you before this.

He called you weak…

A distraction.

Useless.

And then he saw the tickets that were left behind among the ashes. You said you would come back, and yet you broke that promise by not coming back at all and left him with nothing. Nothing but tickets to a movie you said he would have to take you to the next week, but he wasn't going to anymore. He wouldn't take you anywhere anymore.

When the reality settled in, he felt his whole being tremble as his breath stuttered when he tried breathing, letting out a choked sob as his tears cascaded down his face as he crumbled where he sat. There was nothing that could steal this unbearable pain in his chest as all Bakugou could do was sob and let the tears rain and trickle to the ashes that were once you. Every breath felt like he was suffocating as he couldn't fight the guilt that was at war with his fragile pride in his mind as he cried for you.

All he wanted was for you to hug him again, so he could tell you that he was sorry for all the shitty things he said to you and how he had treated you and take you to see that movie and any damn episode of Friends you wanted. But there was nothing there of you anymore, and he couldn't even hold you anymore.

PART 2: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/184430454599/young-love-and-an-episode-of-friends-bakugou

[fish-food-s]

Septum

Words: 2174

Warnings: Major character death, blood, the R slur, cursing, unsympathetic deceit, lots of angst, let me know if I should add anything else.

A/N: This is heavily based off of a youtube video called Septum by Hazel Hayes. I used the same story and really similar characters. Please go check it out!

---

“In front of you is a pill. Within the next twenty-five minutes, one of you must take the pill. If, after twenty-five minutes, no one has taken it, you will all die. Survivors will all win their share of $50,000,000. Good luck.”

Logan scanned the room. A digital clock was installed into the wall, counting down from twenty-five minutes. It contrasted the rest of the electronic free room, being the only source of light that wasn’t a dim yellow lamp against the worn out walls. A security camera was nestled in the top corner of the room, watching them from afar. He and four others sat at a small table filled with little cookies and fruits, along with a single white pill, cushioned neatly on a tiny, fancy box, opened and up for anyone to take.

The man reading the note, Logan knew him as Patton, put down the piece of paper and licked his lips in nervousness.

“Charming,” one man commented, fear evident behind his confident-ridden eyes.

“Would anyone like me to read it again?” Patton asked, unsure. Everyone solemnly shook their heads; Patton nodded and put the note away.

Logan cleared his throat, it being rougher than he anticipated. “I suppose we should introduce ourselves. I’ll go first,” He was met with no objection, “I am Logan, and I feel it would be unfair if I did not mention that I already know Patton,” Logan stated, nodding in Patton’s direction.

“Yes. Hello Logan,” Patton admitted, sheepishly

A man in a black bowler hat furrowed his brows. “Did you know that you’d see each other here?” He questioned.

The two shook their heads. “No. We were friends in school but lost touch when departing. Seeing Patton here came as quite a shock,” he explained.

“Yeah. We haven’t spoken in, like, ten years,” Patton agreed. The man with the hat nodded suspiciously.

“Well, It would definitely add to the show, with all the drama and such,” said the confident man. Logan thought about it for a moment before nodding, remembering that this was in front of an audience.

“Well,” Logan started, “There is not much to know about me. I am married, and we have a daughter. We are signing the divorce papers currently, though. It simply did not work the way we planned. I am a nurse, by the way. It is what I’ve wanted to do since childhood, and I quite enjoy meeting such a diverse set of people from the occupation. There is truly so much to learn from them.” He dipped his head, signifying he was done.

“I guess I’ll go next,” Patton decided through the silence. “I’m Patton, and I’m studying to be an architect. I love traveling and seeing what humanity could make with just a few materials in hand. I’m planning on climbing Kilimanjaro. Which I know seems a bit...” he gestured to his wheelchair, “It won’t be easy, but I’m going to try my hardest.” He smiled proudly.

“Hello, I am Roman,” the next man announced, the same one that spoke with a fragile arrogance, “I am an incredibly charming and witty, and downright devilishly handsome man-” the man in the hoodie next to Roman laughed, “-When I was young I wanted to be a Disney prince, but I settled on being a writer instead, everyone insisted that you couldn't have something that didn’t exist. I do not believe anyone gave a reason for being here, but I came because the cash would help greatly in writing and publishing my novel.”

“You came here for a novel?” Logan confirmed, “That’s admirable.”

Roman nodded, flashing a wavering smile, “I am also quite a fan of this show, another reason I decided to come.”

Logan nodded and everyone’s head turned to a rather dark character. “Would you like to introduce yourself?” Logan asked, leaving silence for his name.

“Virgil,” His deep voice surprised everyone, “And no thanks. I’m good.”

The hat man scoffed. “It’s not like he’s offering you a snack”

Virgil rolled his eyes that were painted with shadows, “Yeah, I’m not giving you some sob story to get you to feel sorry for me. We all got problems, next,” he made a swiping motion with his hands, gesturing to the last man.

The man in the bowler hat sighed. “Well, I am Vincent,” he spoke, his voice smooth and calculated, “I dropped out of school at grade seven and started my own business. I have been under my own employment ever since.”

“Yes, cause someone like you definitely needs the money,” Roman signed. Vincent shook his head and looked away, as if too worthy for his contributions.

“So, that is all of us. How shall we do this?” Logan asked, ignoring the rising feeling of sickness in his gut.

Vincent lifted his head to meet Logan’s eyes. “Let’s do a vote. It doesn't have to be official, we’ll just test the waters and go from there,” he suggested. Everyone made some noise of agreement.

“Yeah, we won't do it unless it’s unanimous. Well, if four people vote for the same person. Obviously, we won't get all five of us to vote together,” Patton added with a touch of forced humor.

“Okay, I will start with me,” Logan stated, “And go clockwise from there. By a show of hands, who votes for me to take the pill?” No one raised their hand.

“Patton?”

“Roman?” Vincent raised his hand.

“Virgil?” Roman, Logan, and Patton raised their hands, the ladder quite sheepishly.

“Vincent?” Virgil raised his hand.

“Okay, that’s one each for Vincent and Roman, and three for Virgil,” Logan finished, feeling nausea take over.

There was a beat of silence

“Let's take a break and come back in a moment. To think about the vote,” Patton suggested, guilt plaguing his voice.

“Excellent idea, Patton,” Logan agreed, and with that, everyone turned to talk amongst themselves.

Logan approached Patton, smiling at the familiar face. “It is quite strange seeing you here,” he commented.

“Yeah, you too,” Patton said, laughing forcefully.

“Now that the first voting has finished, everything has become all too real,” Logan confessed, looking on to the others.

Patton nodded solemnly.

“May I ask why you voted for me?” Virgil turned his head to see Vincent facing him, pleading with his eyes. “I mean, I know we all have to vote for someone, but if I did anything that caused you to be upset, my apologies,” he said almost sincerely.

“To be honest, I just think you’re kind of a dick,” Virgil said bluntly. Roman chuckled. Vincent snarled and turned away.

Everyone slowly made their way back to their seat, and a silent tension was reset in the air. Logan cleared his throat. “I suppose we could vote again. Anonymously this time,” Logan suggested. Patton began to take strips of paper out.

“Wait,” Roman announced, “Virgil are you sure you don’t want to share your story?” he asked.

Virgil looked down. “Well, if you really want to hear it. My dad died when I was seven. It’s just me and my mom. She’s absolutely perfect. You know those moms you see in magazines or movies? Always baking and always supportive? That's my mom. She, uh, she’s sick. Like, sick sick. I came here cause I thought I could-” he covered his eyes, whimpering. “I can’t...” His whimpers turned to low laughs, “I can’t believe you guys fell for that shit.”

Everyone sighed in disbelief. “You sure are something,” Vincent spoke, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“What a wonderful performance!” Roman commented, lifting his glass of wine to Virgil. The actor imitated a bow.

“Can’t you take anything seriously?” Vincent growled at Roman.

“Can’t you take that stick out your ass? It’s not a good look,” Roman shot back. Virgil chuckled.

“Look, I’m just saying that we can’t judge someone so quickly in just twenty-five minutes based off each other sob stories,” Virgil stated, leaning back in his chair.

“Yeah, and you could never know who’s telling the truth,” Roman agreed.

“Who’s side are you on?” Vincent growled.

“My own.”

“What an awful side.”

“Okay. okay, lets vote,” Patton said suddenly, passing five strips of paper around, “If four of the votes are the same, that will be the decision,” Each wrote a name on their slip before passing it back to Patton.

Patton unfolded each and read them out loud. “Virgil. Virgil. Vincent. Virgil… Vincent.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You just got us all killed! We were one vote away from getting out alive!” Vincent lashed out, looking directly at Roman, “You just fucked it all up!” Roman shook his head and chuckled. “What is this for your book? Trying to get a good story out of it?”

“Oh, please.”

“What, you think this is a joke? We’re all going to die because of you!”

“That’s enough-” Virgil stepped in.

“Oh, now he talks! You just stay silent and wait until one of us becomes the antagonist? Well, you did a great job at that!” He seethed, lightly clapping his hands.

“It’s not like I have some strategy to this! I came here for money that I need. I’m here to vote and feel awful about all of it, but I am not begging anyone for sympathy in the process. My shit hole of a life is not going to be my excuse to live.”

“It was me...”

“What?” Vincent demanded.

Patton looked down. “I voted for you...”

“What the hell is wrong with you people? The moment I walked through the door you all hated me!”

“I’ll take that apology when you’re ready”

“Fuck off!”

Vincent stood up and walked to the end of the table. “Since we cannot reach an agreement, I suggest the majority takes the pill. Virgil?”

“Wait that is not what we decided on,” Logan argued, “We need to take another vote just to be sur-”

“Are you fucking retarded or something?” Vincent snapped. The room went cold. “No, that’s not what I meant-”

“You’ve been nothing but trouble all night,” Roman said, standing up to meet Vincent, “You claim you’re some rich business owner, but I’m calling bullshit. You’re just a liar with a bad attitude and a bad-”

Roman couldn't finish the sentence with Vincent's fist to his nose. Logan caught him as he fell backward, and Virgil stood up to level with Vincent. He almost took another blow when Virgil looked up, Vincent following his gaze to the security camera. To where millions of people are watching them. Virgil turned around to help Roman stop seeing stars.

Patton glance at the clock. Only a minute left. “Logan, we’re running out of time.” His voice was on the edge of sobs.

“Okay, another vote, with a show of hands this time, majority rules. I will start with me,” Logan stated, “And go clockwise from there. Who votes for me to take the pill?” No one raised their hand.

“Patton?”

“Roman?”

“Virgil?”

“Vincent?” Everyone but Vincent raised their hand.

“Vincent you have to vote,” Patton pleaded.

“Doesn’t matter,” Roman spat, holding his nose, “he’s dead.”

“No, he should vote,” Logan argued

“Vincent just take the pill!” Virgil yelled. Vincent did nothing.

“I’m sorry,” Logan apologized sincerely, “But you have to take it.”

Vincent sat down in his spot, eyeing the pill. He leaned in, almost reaching it, before retreating back into his seat. The clock ticked from a minute to fifty-nine seconds.

Screams of resentment flooded the room. Patton wordlessly sobbed as he held his head in his hands. Logan stood up and eyed the pill, circling the table. Ten seconds. He reached his hand for the pill and dry swallowed the tablet before anyone could resist. The room went silent.

“No!” Patton screamed, pushing his chair over to logan and clutching the hem of his shirt, “Logan you didn’t have to do that!” The timer hit zero. Logan lowered himself to Patton’s level as the man cried into his chest. “Why did you do that...” he whimpered, sobbing.

Patton pulled away slightly and wiped at his nose, noticing the blood it left on his finger. Vincent, wide-eyed, turned to Roman, who had begun to cough up blood. He tested the tip of his finger at his own nostril, fainting at the sight of blood on his index finger. Virgil looked in horror at Roman. “It was an antidote,” the writer whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut and held out his hand. “Could you… could you hold my hand?”

Virgil wordlessly sat down and took Roman’s hand in his, watching the man take his last breath, knowing his own would come soon. He stood up and separated their hands, before making his way to Logan, who was now cradling a half-dead Patton. Without saying anything, he leaned his head on Logan’s shoulder and fell into darkness, Patton joining him soon after.

Logan, now surrounded by bodies, looked up as the walls opened to a bright white light, revealing a cheering audience that only made his tears burn more.

---

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[phoenix-downer]

Christmas Gift

For the KH3 Countdown Challenge. Merry Christmas, everyone!

'kh3'

Day 1 - Christmas

“You made cookies,” Riku remarked, staring at the plate in Kairi’s hands.

Kairi smiled, making the slight smudge of flour on her cheek crinkle. “We did.”

“They look great.”

Especially hers. Perfectly iced Christmas trees and reindeer and bells and snowmen were carefully arranged on the plate, true works of art that would be right at home at that bakery on Main Street. Riku almost hated to eat them, they looked so good.

Sora’s were looking pretty good, too, and what he lacked in skill he more than made up for in enthusiasm. Brightly colored icing was covering the cookies to the point Riku had trouble seeing the cookie underneath, but even then there was a clear design for each cookie.

Riku glanced back up and noticed the flour sprinkling Sora’s hair. How had that happened, exactly?

“Who are the cookies for?” he asked Kairi as she handed the plate off to Sora and disappeared down the hall. Maybe if he was lucky she would give him permission to eat at least one of them.

“Santa,” Sora answered, matter-of-factly.

Riku raised his eyebrows. “Uh-huh, sure they are.”

Sora set the plate down on the counter and fixed Riku with a steely blue glare. “Santa’s real, Riku. He’s real and I’m gonna prove it to you.”

Sora still believed in that kind of thing? Riku had stopped believing in that kid stuff a long time ago, and he thought Sora had, too.

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine, whatever.”

Sora made a big show of pulling a pair of gloves out of his pocket and putting a beanie Kairi had knit for him on.

“We’re gonna go meet him now,” he announced when his spikes were poking out of the beanie.

“Wait, what?”

Riku glanced at Kairi, who had returned with her pink coat, a hat to match, a woolen scarf, and nice gloves. She draped an extra scarf around Sora’s neck before doing the same for Riku.

“I hope you have something warm to wear,” she said sweetly.

“Uh—”

And that was how they had ended up on the Gummi Ship on Christmas Day on their way to some place called Christmas Town.

Well, Riku supposed, if Santa is really real, it would make sense he lives somewhere like that.

Sora had an oddly smug look on his face as he steered the Gummi Ship around asteroids and other obstacles that probably had nothing to do with the fact that Kairi had just complimented his driving. Probably.

“I’ve been wanting to take you guys to meet him for a while,” he remarked. “I figured Christmas Day was the perfect time.”

Riku considered this. “Don’t get me wrong, but…  if Santa is real…”

Sora’s grip on the controls tightened and another pout was well on its way.

“Oh, fine. Say he is real. Wouldn’t he be busy on Christmas? Delivering presents and stuff?”

“No, Riku. Santa is busy the night before Christmas. Christmas Day he has off, and he deserves cookies after all his hard work.”

“Ooo-kay.” Riku exchanged glances with Kairi. Since when had Santa become such a touchy subject? She just stifled a giggle with her gloved hand as Sora drove on.

After some time, they landed on the intended world, and Sora parked the Gummi Ship on a snowy white hill overlooking a cheery-looking town. Colorful Christmas lights hung off of all the pointy-roofed houses and adorned the town’s Christmas trees, and a candy train tooted its away around the edge of the town.

Riku’s eyes landed on a nearby factory looking building with a great chimney that towered over the rest of the buildings and houses.

“Is that—”

“Yes,” Sora said. “That’s where we’re going.”

Sora led the way with Kairi and Riku close behind. They trudged through the perfectly white snow as snowflakes danced in the air around them. Every time Riku let out a breath he could see it against the cold winter air. Definitely not something you’d see on Destiny Islands. It never got cold enough for that.

Sora marched up to the front door of Santa’s… home? warehouse? workshop? and paused.

“Now Riku, remember to be nice to Santa, even though you didn’t believe in him before.”

Riku rolled his eyes. “Okay, whatever.”

Kairi just raised her eyebrow and took the cookies from Sora so he could knock on the door. A few moments later, and it flew open. A jolly-faced man with a long white beard greeted them.

“Why, hello Sora.”

Huh. He certainly looked the part. He was decked out in a red hat and suit… dress… thing… Hard to say, but maybe he really was—

“Santa!” Sora cried, his face lighting up like it was… well, like it was Christmas. For a moment Riku remembered all those other times Sora had gotten excited about the prospect of meeting Santa.

The year that had ended was the year Riku had told him Santa wasn’t real. He wouldn’t ever forget Sora’s disappointed look, like he had just told him magic wasn’t real. The world had seemed a little dimmer and duller that day, that was for sure.

“You must be Kairi and Riku,” Santa said, a knowing smile spreading across his face. He opened the door wider, revealing a cozy-looking interior. “Come in, come in.”

“Mr. Santa, sir, these are for you,” Kairi said as she offered the plate of cookies after they’d all settled in on the couches and chairs next to the toasty fireplace. “Sora and I made them for you as a thank you for all your hard work.”

“Why thank you, my dear,” he said, taking a Christmas tree off the plate. “What a thoughtful thing of you to do.”

Kairi smiled and rested the plate on the candy cane coffee table.

“We would’ve brought some milk, too, but we were worried it might go bad,” Sora said.

“It’s the thought that counts.” Santa’s eyes twinkled and he reached for another cookie, this one a snowman with a black hat and a red scarf. “Riku, would you like one?” he asked, offering the cookie to Riku.

“Um, sure.” Riku took it from him and bit off its head. It was pretty good. They all munched away on cookies for a while as Riku tried to wrap his head around the fact that Santa was really real and they were eating cookies with him in his living room.

Presently Santa got some milk and poured them all glasses, then settled back in on his chair.

“Now, Riku,” Santa said after taking a long swig and wiping his beard, “there is something I wish to talk to you about.”

Riku froze. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sora smirk. Why did he get the feeling he knew exactly where this was going?

“Sora told me that when you were still children, you told him I wasn’t real,” Santa said, his face very serious. “Is that correct?”

“Y-yes.”

Kairi and Sora both snickered, and Riku shot them a glare. This was awkward enough as it was without their reactions.

“Why did you tell him that?”

“…Because I thought that you weren’t real.”

Santa gestured to himself. “But you can see very well that I am, can you not?”

“Well, yeah, but how was I supposed to know that at the time? I never saw you.”

Santa set his glass down and leaned forward. “Riku, surely you know by now that the eyes can and often do deceive. It is the heart that truly sees.”

Riku glanced at Sora and Kairi again, and they were both giving him gentle smiles.

Okay, point taken.

“Your own loss of faith is regrettable, but you caused Sora to lose faith, too. Sora, whose heart is unlike any other in its childlike ability to love and accept any heart it comes into contact with.”

The room felt uncomfortably warm as Santa’s eyes bored into him, and he shifted his weight on the couch. There wasn’t anything to say, really, so he remained silent.

“Riku, why did you wish for Sora to stop believing?”

Riku clutched his glass of milk tighter. “I didn’t want him to believe something I thought was false. No matter how cruel the truth is… he deserves to know it.”

Believing in lies didn’t help anyone. There was good in the worlds, but there was also evil, and pretending only good existed allowed people like Xehanort to—

“I understand, but there is a time and a place for loss of innocence, and he was not ready for what you told him. Even now his heart is not ready for the pain of those inside it, to say nothing of the hurt of those connected to him. Their fates are cruel, and he will need your strength, Riku, and yours too, Kairi, to even have a chance at bearing their suffering.”

The room was dead silent. Kairi put her hand on Sora’s arm, her eyebrows knitted together, and he had a stricken look on his face.

“What do you mean, I can’t handle it?” he asked. “They’re all counting on me, I have to—”

Santa looked at him sadly. “Sora, surely you’ve realized by now… the bigger a heart is, the more deeply it can break.”

Sora fell silent, his head drooping, and Riku’s heart sank. Was it really Sora’s fate to—

But then Santa gave him a soft smile, and Riku held his tongue.

“But a bigger heart can love more, too, and be loved more in return,” Santa said. “With the love of your friends you are strong. Keep drawing strength from them, and you will accomplish what you have set out to do.”

He handed Sora a cookie, this one a blue and white star. Sora took it from him, and a determined fire had lit in his eyes.

“And when you do,” Santa said, perfectly seriously as he pulled out a list from his robes, “I’ll have no choice but to take you off the naughty list.”

Riku couldn’t help it as he put two and two together. He burst out laughing.

“Is that why you dragged me all the way out here?” he asked Sora.

“Maybe,” Sora said with a pout. “Okay, fine, yes. You and I are both on the naughty list, and I wanted to get us off of it.”

“But I’m not, right?” Kairi asked Santa after examining the list for herself and handing it back to him.

He just beamed at her as he tucked it back into his robes. “Of course not. Princesses of Heart can never be on the naughty list.”

Riku about lost it all over again as Sora pouted and whined about this. “How is that even fair? She’ll never be on the naughty list just because of who she is?”

“She also never stopped believing in me.” Santa gave her an affectionate smile. “Kairi, your faith makes you powerful. Believe in Sora, believe in Riku, and most of all, believe in yourself. Don’t let anyone ever make you lose heart, and you will accomplish things beyond your wildest dreams.”

Kairi nodded, and the same fire in Sora’s eyes now shone in hers, too.

“And Riku,” Santa said, turning to him again, “you are their rock. Be their strength when they are weak. Pick them up when they can’t go any further on their own. Help them face the cruelties out there with the same unflinching courage with which you yourself face them. Keep seeking the truth, even when it hurts, even when it costs you. And when you have found it, guide your friends along the right path. They need you now more than ever.”

Riku nodded. Who would’ve thought Santa could give such good advice?

He gave them all presents for their journey after that, then showed them around his workshop and Christmas Town as a thank you for Sora’s help. He even took them for a spin in his sleigh and let them all take turns driving. Kairi took a shining to Rudolph, his reindeer with a red nose. She pet him and gave him treats as Sora and Riku made the Carousel in the Town Square spin as fast as humanly possible while they did everything they could to hang on.

But at last it was time to go home, and as they said their goodbyes, Santa had one last thing to say to them.

“Merry Christmas, you three. Never forget, the greatest gift you can give each other is simply… yourselves.”

As Riku smiled at his two closest friends in the worlds and they smiled back, he figured that sounded about right. Whatever might lie before them, at least they still had each other.

And really, he couldn’t ask for a better Christmas gift than that.

[fuck-you-i-am-spiderman]

Ho Ho Hollstein!

A one-shot gift for @sizzlingcloudkitten ~ from your Secret Santa xoxo

I hope you enjoy it! ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

↳ Ao3 Link

A week out from Christmas and Laura was certain Carm wasn’t jumping for joy about the upcoming Holiday season, they’d had many debates over why Christmas was a quote un-quote ‘Stupid Holiday’. Laura had instigated a temporary cease fire after Carmilla had been rather inventive with some more suggestive uses for sugary snacks, and though Laura may never look at a candy cane the same she had decided to give convincing Carmilla of the holiday magic one last shot. Her hopes weren’t very high considering the last time they had attempted to do some last minute shopping. Carmilla had spent half the time making snarky comments about the frosted decorations, rolling her eyes at the Santa in the mall and had proceeded to steal an alarming number of gingerbread cookies before Laura had forcefully shoved her away from the stall, scolding her for all of a few minutes before she had caved and ran back to grab a handful herself.

So when Laura trudged home after a long day of work she didn’t expect to see her beautiful girlfriend in their front room wrestling a real (yes, real) 7 ft Christmas tree into their tiny apartment. Her bag fell to the floor, her jaw practically joining it as she looked around the room in astonishment. All around the front room fairy lights were carefully and meticulously strung. The Hufflepuff blanket that usually covered the sofa was replaced with a deep red velvet looking throw and the cushions that Carmilla claimed to despise were scattered near the arm rests. The mirror that rested above the fireplace (Carmilla’s unlimited trust fund had secured them that beauty) now had a snowflake sticker border and below, hung on the mantelpiece, were two Christmas stockings. Laura’s stocking was a soft yellow colour like the sun starting to set and had the Hufflepuff crest embroidered on the front with ‘Laura Eileen Hollis’ stitched in cursive along the white top. It was a little worn and the stitching was a little loose but it was handmade from her father and Laura wasn’t about to part with it any time soon. On the other side was Carmilla’s stocking - another gift from Sherman Hollis who insisted that Carmilla must join in with the Hollis family traditions despite Carmilla trying and failing to persuade him not to. Though she would never admit it out loud, Laura knew Carmilla was moved by the gesture. Carmilla’s stocking was a deep purple colour with black piping along the top and her name stitched in white cursive thread. In the centre a cartoon panther lay asleep embroidered into the fabric. Laura’s grin widened when she saw several perfectly wrapped stocking filler shaped presents sticking out of each stocking.

Her eyes drifted down towards the logs in front of the fire each crafted with different artistic designs. Laura chuckled as she caught sight of several screaming painted faces, of course Carmilla would make her want to rescue a bunch of wooden logs. Shaking her head she spun around, finally catching Carmilla’s eye as her girlfriend finished propping up the tree. Carmilla startled, her hand instinctively moving up to scratch the back of her neck as a shy smile worked its way onto her face.

“H-hey Creampuff, didn’t see you there.”

Laura stepped closer, smile widening.

“I can see that. What’s all this? I seem to remember someone saying a ‘holiday where you can’t kill someone is a stupid holiday’.” Laura says in a terrible impression of Carmilla, raising her eyebrow expectantly.

Carmilla barks out a laugh, moving closer to Laura as she speaks. “First, I don’t talk like that.”

Laura flashes her a mock glare sticking her tongue out as Carmilla smirks in response.

“and I still think it’s a worthless over commercialised, over-expensive sad excuse for a-”

Laura starts to pout so Carmilla continues with a playful eye roll. “-anyway, I know how much Christmas means to you so I figured I could give this stupid holiday another chance.” She says with a nonchalant shrug.

Laura steps closer, her pout replaced with a dazzling smile of adoration as she pulls Carmilla in for a tight hug.

“I’m ignoring that insult because you are the best girlfriend ever!” Laura exclaims leaning in to capture Carmilla’s lips in a soft kiss.

She pulls back and this time it’s Carmilla who pouts. Laura grins, pecking Carmilla’s lips a few more times before her excitement takes over, clapping eagerly as her eyes fill with joy.

“I’ve seen that look before.” Carmilla comments warily.

“I know what would make this even better!” Laura shouts darting out of the room with far too much determination for Carmilla’s liking.

‘Please don’t be what I think it is.’ Carmilla mutters to herself, knowing she’s lost when she hears Laura start to rummage through their closet. It can only mean one thing…

****

“Carm, you have to smile!” Laura reiterated for the 10th time, huffing when Carmilla’s pout intensifies.

“You promised we would do this.” Laura pleads, fluttering her eyelashes and giving Carmilla a soft smile, “please Carm.”

“I look like Santa threw up on me.” Carmilla whines gesturing angrily to the bright red sweater she was sporting.

“Well I think you look adorable, but I do have some other sweaters if you want to pick something else, there’s a bright pink one if you’d prefer that.” Laura suggests smirking when Carmilla aggressively shakes her head grumbling under her breath.

“I miss my old sweater.”

“Oh hush you, and for the love of Hogwarts put on the hat I gave you.” She chastises.

“Why can’t I have the antlers?”

“Geez, stop being so difficult!”

Another groan is her response, their eyes meet both glaring at one another before Carmilla whines - actually whines and grabs the Santa’s hat placing it on her head and then turning away defiantly.

“Aw come on, if you smile for one picture I will make it worth your while.” Laura says in a suggestive tone, lowering her voice as she leans in to trail kisses down Carmilla’s neck.

Carmilla hums and tilts her head to give Laura more room, the soft brushes of Laura’s lips becoming more insistent as Carmilla’s face starts to heat up. Laura starts to kiss her way back up her neck and then her jaw, finally kissing her lips and nipping lightly. Carmilla tugs her closer, her hands tangling in Laura’s hair, playing with the ends of it as they melt into the embrace. Laura’s hand comes around to cup Carmilla’s neck as she deepens the kiss, her tongue brushing against Carmilla’s lower lip and begging for entrance that Carmilla willingly gives her. When they eventually break for air their foreheads press against each other, breathless with messy hair and flushed faces and matching smiles. Neither notice the self timer going off or the camera flashing and catching their candid pose before they are rushing back in, getting impossibly closer as hands start to roam. When Carmilla practically rips their sweaters off Laura can’t find it in herself to care, her chastising replaced with loud moans and cries of Carmilla’s name, their matching sweaters carelessly flung across the room.

“Have I mentioned how much I hate Christmas shopping?!” Carmilla snarks as they enter yet another shop.

“Only about 50 times today.” Laura quips back, pulling Carmilla straight towards the baking aisle.

“Do we really need to do this? I told you I was only joking.”

“You challenged me and you know how much I love a challenge.” Laura responds grinning as she grabs some supplies.

Carmilla shakes her head but can’t keep the smile from her face when Laura pokes her tongue out in concentration, turning to her with a determined smile.

“We’re going to need a basket. Wait here.” Laura says mostly to herself as she rushes away in search of a basket.

She returns moments later armed with a basket which already contains several boxes of chocolate chip cookies, which Carmilla knows are definitely not essential to their baking competition and she can’t resist teasing her a little.

“I don’t think 5 packets of cookies are needed for a gingerbread house Cupcake.”

Laura’s cheeks redden as she playfully shoves Carmilla who chuckles before wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her head.

“If you don’t stop teasing me I won’t share my cookies with you.” Laura states folding her arms and glaring at her girlfriend.

“Oh please, we both know you won’t be sharing them with me regardless.” Carmilla replies with a smug smile, smirking more when Laura huffs and stomps in front.

It takes all of a few strides for her to catch up, pulling Laura in for a soft kiss and continuing their shop holding hands.

They take a coffee breaks which consists of Carmilla insisting that Laura perch in her lap as she seductively sucks excess whipped cream from her finger. It takes everything Laura has not to act on her lust; she fails and ends up dragging Carmilla by her scarf to the Starbucks bathroom. They leave hastily, smoothing their clothes and combing their very obvious sex hair and trying to hide the embarrassment, it turns to full blown laughter when they catch sight of an elderly couple staring at them in horror.

When they return to their apartment, bags bursting, their lust is momentarily forgotten and replaced by fierce competition and teasing trash talk.

***

Carmilla chuckled as Laura swore again, glaring at her as she plucked another icing pen out of Laura’s reach.

“Quit hogging the pens!” Laura whined reaching across to snatch it.

Carmilla smirked, waiting until Laura was an inch away before moving to hold the pen above her head.

“Carm! Just give me-” again Laura grabbed Carmilla’s hand tugging at her arm to take the pen and once again Carmilla moved it away smirking as Laura’s eyebrows sharpened, her eyes narrowing as she glared, actually stomping her foot in protest.

“You are such a cheater!”

“You’re such a sore loser Creampuff.” Carmilla teased.

“Am not!” Laura snaps.

“I love that bunched up face you make when you’re mad, it’s hot.” Carmilla says winking as Laura growls in response.

“Well I must be breathtaking because I’m furious!”

Carmilla shakes her head with a smile, placing the pen on the kitchen island and wrapping an arm around Laura’s shoulder, soothingly rubbing up and down her arm.

“How about we make the cookies together before this turns into a bloodbath.” she suggests nudging Laura’s shoulder playfully.

Laura bites her lip pausing before she relents, nodding with a small smile. Her eyes fall to the pile of cookies Carmilla had made instead of a house.

“Gingerbread zombies? Really Carm?!” Laura laughs as Carmilla shrugs with an awkward smile.

***

Carmilla had been trying and failing to read her book for the past hour and a half.

First she was distracted by Laura insisting they kiss under every strategically placed string of mistletoe (not that she complained). Then Laura had wrestled with Carmilla over which object should become their tree topper, which had resulted in Carmilla having to suffer through a Laura Hollis pout after she’d shot down the idea of Laura’s custom made Lois Lane figurine decorating their tree - in her defence it was twice as heavy as most of the other decorations and it had taken her hours to secure the far too large tree in their apartment. After the pouting had finally ceased Laura had decided that the apartment was “too quiet” and the holidays songs were blasted.

Carmilla sat in the chair watching as Laura bobbed around shimmying and doing the most outrageously cheesy moves as she proceeded to belt ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ for the fourth time. Four times and Carmilla had finally had enough, slamming her book closed as she stormed over to the speakers. As if she could sense the nightmare that was turning her music off Laura spun around eyes widening as Carmilla started to unhook her phone. “Nooooo!” Laura shrieked running over to her girlfriend, standing protectively in front of the speakers. “I won’t let you turn it off.”

“If I hear one more Mariah Carey song I will riot.” Carmilla quipped holding up a finger threateningly.

“Don’t be such a grinch.” Laura shot back. “It’s my phone and I say the Christmas music stays on.”

Carmilla clenched her jaw, sighing before an idea forms and she pushes Laura aside.

“Hey!-”

Carmilla instantly shushes her with a kiss on the nose, turning back to finish her typing. Laura waits in confusion, a second later soft lyricless music plays - it’s an old song that Laura doesn’t recognise but there’s a smile on Carmilla’s face so she can’t bring herself to change it. She matches the smile when Carmilla grabs her hand, twirling her closer as they move to the music, falling into a classic waltz.

“See, this is much better than that other drivel.”

Laura hums resting her head against Carmilla’s shoulder as they sway to the music.

“You’ve been quieter today.” Laura comments. “I know you miss her, maybe one day you can tell me about some of your holiday traditions.”

They fall into a comfortable silence letting the soft tones guide their movements. When Laura tilts her head up Carmilla meets her half way pecking her lips softly. As they pull away Laura can see how Carmilla’s eyes glisten, a sad smile replacing the gentle one she had only moments ago.

“I didn’t meant to upset you Carm. I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to hold back, I love you - all of you and I’m sorry that I ever made you feel as though you have to hide parts of yourself from me.” Their eyes locked and Laura smiled soft, her hands coming to rest on Carmilla’s shoulders.

“I know.” Carmilla whispered ducking her head as a tear escaped her.

Laura moved a hand under her chin, tilting her head back up as she used her thumb to catch the tear. She lent in, kissing Carmilla’s cheeks and then kissing her lips; she could feel Carmilla’s tears falling and how Carmilla’s lip trembled against her own. She pulled Carmilla closer, pouring everything she wanted to say into their embrace.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Laura uttered the words against Carmilla’s lips, repeating them softly everytime they broke apart.

Carmilla shuddered against her, pulling back as she choked out a laugh, the sound harsh and broken.

“Mattie would be calling me a sap right about now.”

“That sounds like something she would do.” Laura agreed keeping a tight hold on Carmilla as she let her continue.

“There weren’t any traditions as such, but, she- she would take us to a rooftop and we’d look at the stars and for that one night we could be free. Free from Maman and the burdens we faced, we would laugh and sing, watching as lanterns filled the sky or as the snow started to fall. It was something Mattie could give me that no one could take away.”

As Carmilla spoke Laura could hear the passion in her voice, the softness as she spoke her sister’s name, her voice turning wistful.

“I just- I know you have the dimwit squad and the ginger twins and we have your dad, and I am so unbelievably grateful that I get to share this life with you but there’s an ache, I can’t help but wish she were here too. I’m scared of forgetting her.” Carmilla answers, tears welling up once more.

“I don’t think you could forget her even if you wanted to.” Laura brushes a lock of hair behind Carmilla’s ear before continuing, “it’s okay to miss her Carm. I know Mattie and I didn’t always see eye to eye but I would love to hear about your adventures - I’m sorry if me pushing Christmas upset you.”

Carmilla shook her head squeezing Laura’s arm as she spoke, her voice softer than usual.

“I may not get this stupid holiday and yes, maybe some part of me is still hurting but I like being festive with you, I love that you sing around the house and that we wear matching sweaters. How I have to stop you from eating all of the candy canes and watching you get excited over cheesy decorations at the mall. I like it because it makes you happy, because I love you.”

Laura smiled wider than before, happy tears forming as she kissed Carmilla once and then twice pulling apart with a smirk.

“You really are a sap.”

Carmilla rolled her eyes mumbling a barely audible “shut up” and tugging Laura back towards her, their lips meeting once more. The soft music continued to play as they got lost in one another, tears replaced with much more enjoyable cries and breathy gasps. They fell asleep curled up together, soft smiles still on their faces feeling closer than ever.

[rexcrystallis]

A Companion

[lindafrancois]

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?)

If you’re currently trying to lose weight, you might be asking yourself:

“Which diet is right for me?”

What’s the best diet for weight loss?”

They’re great questions, both with many different variables to consider.

Today, we’ll unpack it all for you.

We focus on proper diet and nutrition extensively in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program, but we’re gonna tell you everything you need to know below too.

Want to lose weight WITHOUT hating life? Learn how we can help!

Here’s what we’ll discuss in answering “What’s the best diet to lose weight?”:

How to eat for healthy weight loss

Which diet will help me lose weight? 

Why can’t I stick to a diet?

Which diet is the most effective in weight loss? (The 80% solution)

What’s a “good enough” diet? (Steve’s 80% solution)

Will being a vegetarian (or vegan) help me lose weight?

How to pick the diet that’s right for you (Next steps)

It’s a lot to cover, but DON’T PANIC. 

We’ll get through it together using science, stories from our very own community, and one too many pop-culture references:

Let’s get started.

How to Eat For Healthy Weight Loss

Here’s exactly how to lose weight:

#1 – Eat fewer calories than you burn every day.

#2 – Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Full stop.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add #3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

This solution will get you like 90% of the way towards a killer physique and a consistently healthy checkup at the doctor.

Mix in the right training and you’ll be 99% of the way there.

The problem is that pesky things like “reality” and “genetics” and “human behavior” keep getting in the way.

It’s why everybody goes on diet after diet after diet, gaining and losing the same 10-50 lbs.

Most people can only stick with a diet for a few weeks before they’re so miserable that they can’t wait to go back to how they were eating before.

They count calories and allow themselves to eat “health food” like low-fat ice cream and low-fat chips and just two Oreos. These people are so nutritionally deficient—eating calorie-heavy, unfulfilling foods—that they struggle to stay under their allotment of calories for they day. D’oh.

To make matters worse, even if they’re counting calories, they’re probably misreporting their food and overeating without realizing it.[2]

This is why people get so dang frustrated when they go on a calorie-restricted diet, track their food, and still don’t lose weight. The only explanation must be that their bodies must have slow metabolisms.

Yes, some people can do well with calorie counting long term – and I do believe EVERYBODY should count calories for at least a week to educate themselves about the food they are eating – but I think it’s only part of a solution that has plenty of room for error.

Watch this quick video of a person who believes she has a slow metabolism[3].

It turns out the exact opposite is true. Crap.

Despite everything stacked against us, Nerd Fitness is FULL of success stories of people who have lost 100s of pounds and kept the weight off. Here are a few dramatic ones (click on the images to read their full stories):

What gives?

Nerd Fitness doesn’t just tell you what to eat. Any Google search can tell you that.

Though we help there too.

At Nerd Fitness, we’re helping you learn HOW to think about eating too.

And that’s the difference maker.

Which Diet Will Help Me Lose Weight? (Mental Models for the Win)

The Nerd Fitness community is full of ridiculously smart people. Smart people that have tried in vain to lose weight for years or decades.

It’s because we’re fighting a brutal, uphill battle.

For many of us, food is way more than just fuel:

It’s a coping mechanism.

It’s how our moms showed us love.

It’s what we turn to when we’re happy or sad.

It can provide us with a small bit of happiness during an otherwise boring day.

Add in the fact that unhealthy food has been designed in a laboratory to be so delicious that it must be consumed in mass quantities, and trying to eat “just a few” of something is nearly impossible.

Next, add a dash of “I am obsessive and if I start to track calories I’m going to drive myself insane,” “even if I track my calories I’ll probably underreport how many calories I eat by at least 20%,” and “there is so much information that this all appears so overwhelming, so it’s a lost cause.”

This is why Mental Models are so useful (hat tip to my friend Shane over at Farnam Street Blog who taught me about Mental Models). I’m gonna borrow the concept here for nutrition.

Enter a MENTAL MODEL DIET:

Paleo Diet: If a caveman didn’t eat it, neither should you. “Okay, what would a caveman eat? Probably things that grow in the ground, so vegetables and fruit, and also animals. They wouldn’t eat candy or bread or pasta or drink soda.”

Keto Diet: Keep your carb intake under 5% (or more extreme, 10 grams, for example) of your total calories so your body has to burn fat for fuel instead of carbs and sugar. “Time to learn how many carbs are in everything I eat, and start tracking.”

Slow Carb Diet: Eat legumes, protein, veggies. “Time to learn how to make food that only fits the slow carb model. At least until cheat day!”

Intermittent Fasting: Only eat between 12pm and 8pm. Occasionally do 24 hour fasts. “Okay, so I’ll just skip breakfast. That’s one less meal I have to think about.”

In each of the above options, there are a few similarities that make them such trendy/popular diet choices. 

For the sake of simplicity, we’re going to hold off on digging into the health benefits that apply to a small percentage of the population on certain diets (Keto to treat epilepsy, Paleo/Keto for Hashimoto’s Disease, identifying a gluten intolerance, etc), we’re going to focus on the reasons MOST people pick these diets.

They’re simple to comprehend and will probably help you lose weight:

#1) They all will result in you eating fewer calories (usually).

If you follow the Paleo Diet, you are eliminating some of the most calorie dense, nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods out there. No more soda, no candy, no bread, no pasta, no sugar, no dairy.

If you follow the Keto Diet, you must track your carb intake, which means you’re going to also learn how many calories are in everything else you eat. You’re also essentially eliminating an entire macronutrient from your diet that’s notorious for keeping people overweight.

If you follow the Slow Carb Diet, you learn about which foods you can eat and which foods you can’t eat: yes to beans, no to dairy and grains. Like Paleo or Keto, you’re eliminating massively unhealthy foods from your diet, which will most likely result in weight loss.

If you do Intermittent Fasting, you’re eliminating 1/3rd of your meals for the day! Let’s say you normally ate an 800 calorie breakfast, 800 calorie lunch, and 800 calorie dinner. If you SKIP breakfast, that means you could eat larger lunches and dinners (1000 calories each) and still end up eating 400 calories less per day on average. That’s enough for 3-4 pounds of weight loss per month!

#2) You can answer “YES” or “NO” to adherence.

Sure, it would be great if you could weigh every element of food that you eat, and track each meal in a spreadsheet and KNOW you’re tracking each calorie and macronutrient correctly.

And for some people looking to get to bodybuilder levels of bodyfat, this level of perfection is required.

However, for the rest of us, working regular jobs, with kids, and lives, this shit is wayyyyy too much.

So these mental models are so damn helpful because they can simplify the overly complicated and allow us to get out of our own heads.

These Mental Model Diets require compliance and consistency. In each instance, there’s a very specific answer you can say every day, and a question you can ask yourself with each meal.

As our favorite green Jedi Master once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.”:

Paleo Diet: “Would a caveman eat this?” Yes or no.

Keto Diet: “Am I in ketosis?” Yes or no. You can even pee on strips to see if you are in ketosis.

Slow Carb Diet: “Did I only eat slow carb foods today?” Yes or no.

Intermittent Fasting: “Did I skip breakfast today? Did I stop eating after my feeding window?” Yes or no.

In each of these examples above, it removes ALLLLLLLL of the fluff, simplifies the heck out of our complex physiology and a complex problem. And it allows us to stop fooling ourselves.

With the mental models above, we have rules and a framework within which we can operate. It starts with black and white YES or NO questions we can ask.

We know what (or when) we can and can’t eat.

It’s a lot easier to fool ourselves when we are sneaking bites of cookies, having an extra roll at dinner, drinking a larger soda during a long night at work, eating some of our kid’s Halloween candy, and overeating while absentmindedly watching television.

When the rules are black and white, yes or no, there’s no place to hide.

Which means we need to get our act together if we’re going to stick with something.

We start to understand the quality and quantity of things we are putting in our pie holes. We start to dig into our relationship with food.

And in MANY cases, we start to lose some weight (again, see #1 above); this starts to make us feel better about ourselves. And we chase that feeling.

We create a positive virtuous cycle where we lose weight, get complimented, wake up not feeling like crap, look forward to exercising, and over time we become permanently changed, healthier, happier people.

In a similar vein, The Whole 30 Diet works for many people (“I only eat Whole 30 foods for the next 30 days”), but it will not result in long term changes if somebody goes back to their original unhealthy diet after the 30 days are up.

Temporary changes = temporary results.

#3) They can be done incorrectly, are tough to stick with long term, and won’t work for everybody.

Depending on our genetics, upbringing, lifestyle choices, addiction to sugar, relationship with food, what foods satiate us, etc., some of these options might work better for us than others.

As mentioned above, if ANY of the above nutritional strategies are done temporarily, they will result in temporary changes. This is how the majority of people go through life: gaining and losing the same 15-30 (or 50, or 100) pounds as they go on a diet and off a diet.

It’s a rollercoaster.

And not the good kind of rollercoaster with flips and corkscrews and probably involving Batman. It’s more like one of those rickety old wooden coasters that ruins your back.

Those rollercoasters suck, and so does putting your body through crazy weight loss extremes, up down, yes no, yo-yo.

Although these Mental Model diets can help people lose weight, they are often done for short time periods to get quick results.

And that’s only if people can actually stick with them long enough to get results! 

Let me explain.

Why Can’t I Stick to a Diet?

There are two main reasons why these diets won’t work for you.

Some of them are more strict, have more rules, and require you to be more militant in your approach.

Even if you are strict in applying the rules, you can STILL do the diets incorrectly and gain weight because of this whole concept of thermodynamics.

Don’t get mad at me. Get mad at science.[4]

MOST PEOPLE GROW FRUSTRATED BY POPULAR DIETS BECAUSE:

#1) You Can Do These Mental Model Diets Incorrectly:

Paleo: I know people who “go paleo” but eat just as many calories as they did in the past: they are eating paleo cookies, buckets of dried fruit (soooo much sugar and carbs), sweet potatoes, and so on. This person will be frustrated when they don’t lose weight.

Keto: If you go Keto but eat 5,000 calories per day, you’re gonna put on weight. Do this while sitting on your ass not doing heavy strength training, and that weight will be all fat.

Intermittent Fasting: If you do intermittent fasting but eat 2,000 calorie lunches and dinners, you’re gonna put on weight. Hell, I put on probably 30 pounds while doing IF, which was my plan.

Slow Carb: If you go slow carb but eat 6,000 calories of beans and other slow-carb worthy foods, you’re gonna gain weight (and have extreme flatulence).

#2) Sticking with these Mental Model Diets for the long haul can be tough!

The Paleo Diet and the Keto diet often come up dead last when it comes to a “List of Best Diets.”[5]

Now, the people writing those lists certainly have agendas, are trying to deal with the general population, adherence, a number of other factors, and more. In addition, there just haven’t been enough long term studies on some of these newer diet strategies.

Oh, and factor in anybody that wants to get page views by taking shots and tearing down whatever becomes popular. We’ll call this the “hipster phenomenon.” I look forward to the vitriolic backlash to Keto Diets over the next 3 years.

And you never know who to trust. Coca-Cola famously used to bribe scientists to conduct studies claiming sugar was healthy.

So why the hate for diets that have changed millions of lives and will probably help you lose weight?

The reason these diets have poor compliance is because most people will abandon them within days/weeks after starting them:

If somebody is following Paleo or Keto, they’re gonna go through “carb flu” symptoms as their body has to learn to burn fat instead of carbs for fuel. Their body can revolt against this, making them miserable for days or weeks.

Many give up and go back to sweet, comforting carbs. I imagine this happens to a majority of people.

For others, they might make it past the physiological challenges but still give up on the date. They hate having to be the difficult one at barbecues, they hate weighing food or counting carbs, and find the diets too restrictive to fit into their lives.

Compliance and elimination of certain foods can be really challenging, especially for people with families, who travel for work, and aren’t in control of the lunch and dinner options.

In an EXTREME example of a Mental Model diet done for publicity, a professor went on the Twinkie Diet (he ONLY ate Twinkies) and lost 27 pounds.[6]

Disregarding the health implications of only eating Twinkies, I can’t imagine saying “this is a diet I can stick with for the next decade.”

#3) People think “All or Nothing” and quickly abandon the diet when compliance fails.

If you are somebody who is on a Keto Diet or Paleo, you have a very specific set of rules to follow. If you accidentally slip up:

Oh crap, that food had more carbs than I realized, I am now out of ketosis and my world has ended.

Oh crap, I didn’t realize this was dairy. I have now brought shame upon my paleo heritage and must atone for my sins.

Life happens. Shit happens. And with these diets, we dumb humans have this unique ability to take one tiny mistake and allow it to ruin the next decade:

“I ate a breakfast that wasn’t Paleo, today is ruined and so this month. I’ll try again next month (even though it’s only the 5th). Oh look, a pile of carbs! NOM NOM NOM.”

“I got knocked out of Ketosis, which makes me a loser that can’t stick with anything and I hate myself. What’s the point? Who cares that I was in ketosis and lost 30 pounds. I’ll try again later. Now back to my regularly scheduled program of carbs and carbs and carbs topped with carbs!”

No wonder 60+% of America is overweight! We’re surrounded by calorie-dense, nutritionally-deficient foods designed to make us overeat.

We’re also surrounded by diet plans and products that promise fast results with no effort. We sabotage ourselves by thinking “99% complaint” is a failure and thus it’s a quick slide back to “0% compliant.”

It’s for these reasons I LOVE the IDEA of the Mental Model Diets above, but know that they’re not for everybody. They’re actually not for most people.

I think they can be a valuable starting point to help somebody simplify their decision-making process and educate themselves about the food they’re eating.

These Mental Model Diets can help people identify certain nutritional deficiencies or imbalances somebody might have, or unknown allergies.

They can help people identify sugar addictions, gluten intolerances, emotional triggers for food, and other valuable information to uncover.

And as previously mentioned, some of these diets even have serious health benefits for certain conditions (Keto has been used to treat epilepsy, for example).

But let’s stick with the general population and keep things simple.

For somebody that is very overweight, following one of the Mental Model Diets can be a huge boon and momentum builder. They can lose lots of weight early on, and build off this success to beget further success.

I also think long term compliance is really difficult for 95+% of the planet.

This is why the Paleo Diet isn’t for me. Nor is Keto. Or slow carb. And although I have been Intermittent Fasting for close to 5 years, I still don’t mind eating breakfast or brunch occasionally because it fits for me.

I want the solution that is pretty good. That gets me results. That fits into my reality.

This is the rough philosophy behind our 10-Level system which you can download as a free PDF when you sign up in the box below, which allows you to be damn good most of the time! Simple rules you can follow, and increase the challenge as you build momentum.

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

What Is the Most Effective Weight Loss Diet? (The 80% Solution)

You are a real person who lives in the real world and thus must deal with this thing called reality.

Sucks, I know.

We have to learn to make a Mental Model diet fit into our personal reality:

If you work in a candy store or a pastry shop, trying to go full Paleo 100% of the time is going to be impossible. You’re setting yourself up for failure, because you’re expecting your reality to be different than it is.

If you’re married to somebody who loves to cook Italian food, cutting out pasta is the first step towards divorce.

If you have kids, only keeping Keto foods will not win you any “Parent of the Year” awards. And you can kiss that “#1 Dad” mug goodbye.

If you can’t have “just one” of something, don’t fool yourself into trying to be disciplined enough to have “just one.” It’s actually why I pay extra money for small cartons of Goldfish Crackers and/or small cans of soda. It makes it easier for me to treat these things like…well, a treat and less like a staple of my diet.

You need to educate yourself about the food you eat. You need to identify the mental models that simplify your decision making process when it comes to food.

And you need to pick the level of adherence that aligns with your goals:

It’s why I wrote about how I’m “Paleo-ish” in the past. For some people, they start Paleo and settle into a “good enough” mentality that still has guardrails.

It’s why our “Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating” is one of our most popular articles.

It’s why thousands have joined Nerd Fitness Prime with our 10-level diet blueprint.

And it’s why our Online Coaching Program doesn’t promote a “one diet fits all” solution. Our coaches have our hundreds of clients track how they’re eating now and then educate them to introduce new rules and challenges from month to month!

We don’t want you to follow a diet for the next 30 days. We want you to follow a nutritional strategy that you can stick with for the next DECADE.

Which means you need a solution that accomplishes three things:

A strategy that you can follow consistently for 5+ years.

A strategy that you can track your compliance with.

If done long enough, a strategy that will help you reach your goal weight/physique.

Following a “pizza, pasta, and soda” diet might be something you can stick with for 5+ years, but it won’t make you reach your healthy weight.

If Keto will help you lose weight but you can’t stick with it for 5+ years, then “strict keto forever” probably isn’t the best strategy for you.

This is why we want rules we can follow, that help us reach our goals, that we can live with permanently.

Think of these rules like bumper lanes in bowling.

You can’t throw it in the gutter (0% compliance), but you have enough guardrails that allow you to still knock over the pins (weight loss).

THAT is the sweet spot.

What’s a “Good Enough” Diet? (Steve’s 80% Solution)

I’ve identified certain mental models and rules  that help me make sense of my day without being overly neurotic, still have fun with friends, and ALSO allow me to reach my strength training and physique goals.

Here’s my personal “80% of the time, it works every time” strategy:

#1) Skip breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast. My first feed happens after my 11am workout. Yup, sometimes I’ll eat brunch on a weekend or have a bagel/donut, but that’s rare. I love Intermittent Fasting, it works for me, and I’ll probably do this for the rest of my life.

#2) Eat real food most of the time. I know what real food is. I try to only eat real food. If you hate veggies (as I used to), here’s how I learned to love them. Yup, I still eat rice and potatoes.

#3) Know my calories. I skip breakfast, and I eat the same lunch every day, and I know the basic quantities and calories of foods I normally eat. This means I generally know how many calories I’m eating every day with minimal effort. This is done more strictly if I am targeting certain goals.

Alternatively, we can learn portion sizes like we cover in our “Healthy Eating” guide.

#4) No unnecessary liquid calories. I drink black coffee, unsweet black tea, or water. No soda. No juice (which is pretty much sugar water). I do put whole milk in my powerbomb smoothies, which I drink specifically to help me overeat on training days to build muscle. I still drink whiskey (neat) or good beer when the occasion calls for it!

#5) Never eat two unhealthy meals in a row. If I eat an unhealthy lunch (pizza and wings and beer), I either make my dinner healthy or skip dinner entirely. If I ate an unhealthy dinner, my lunch the next day is going to be healthy. I know myself, and when it comes to momentum killing, 1 bad meal is a speed bump, 2 is a brick wall.

Before I help you come up with your own rules, I want to address the elephant in the room.

Okay, now that I’ve addressed him, let’s talk about vegetarians and vegans!

Will Being a Vegetarian (Or Vegan) Help Me Lose Weight?

I actually considered including Vegetarian or Vegan mental models in the above sections, as I know we have plenty of plant-based folks in the Rebellion.

Here’s why I didn’t: neither option satisfies Rule #1 (“By following this strategy, you will most likely lose weight”). I’ll explain.

Yes, as a vegan or vegetarian, you can ask yourself: “Is this Vegan/Vegetarian? Yes or No” (Rule #2), which does make it a mental model in that respect.

However, in order for you to lose weight and be healthier on either mental model, you need to be very aware of the foods you’re eating and how many calories they have—which introduces more complexity.

Pizza, fettuccine alfredo, bowls of sugary cereal, grilled cheese sandwiches, and calorie-bomb burritos can be vegetarian.[7]

Donuts, pasta, and bread can be vegan.

Plant-based? Technically, yes. Healthy? Ehhhh.

Just like you can do Paleo or Keto incorrectly, you absolutely can be an unhealthy vegetarian or an unhealthy vegan. The same is true of going gluten-free.

Long story short: if you are thinking of going vegetarian or vegan for whatever reason (nutritional, moral, religion, this new person you’re dating is vegetarian, etc.), go for it!

It might work for you! It might not.

It might help you lose weight! It might not.

It all depends on what foods you are eating in addition to being vegan or vegetarian.

So, if going plant-based ALSO helps you educate yourself on what you’re putting in your body, if it helps you make better food decisions, and changes your relationship with food for the long term, and gets you the health/physique results you’re after, great!

KEEP DOING IT!

Just don’t fool yourself into blindly believing what you’re doing is healthy just because you cut out meat without actually analyzing what you’re replacing it with.

If you are vegan or vegetarian and planned on emailing me angry words for not including them as healthy options above, thus concludes my cover-my-ass explanation. We’re cool, right?

Also, yes. I have read the China Study. [8]

Lastly, if you are contemplating moving to a vegan or vegetarian diet, make sure you check out our massive guide “How to Eat a Plant-Based Diet: A Scientific Look at Going Vegan Safely” for tips and tricks to make it work.

How to Pick the Diet That’s Right For You (next steps)

Those are the rules I’ve picked above that fit MY reality. I adjust based on my progress from month-to-month, whether or not I’m making progress in the gym (and in the mirror!).

Here’s how you can determine the best diet for you: Throw the concept of the “perfect diet” out the window and staple this to your forehead: “The perfect diet is the diet I can actually stick with.”

Actually, don’t staple that to your forehead. It’ll be backwards when you look in the mirror and that will defeat the purpose.

Instead, do this – Be a badass scientist:

#1 – Do some research, juuuuust enough to get started[9], and pick the diet or the rules you want to start with. Pick the rules that you can live with. Then, start. Now.

Here are some sample yes/no rules to get you started outside of the mental model diets. Note the difference in challenge/healthiness – pick the ones at YOUR level:

I can’t drink more than 5 sodas per week (instead of my normal 10). It’s up to me when I drink them.

I don’t eat fast food Monday through Friday.

I eat a vegetable with every lunch and dinner.

Once per week I’ll do a 24-hour fast.

I don’t drink alcohol on Sunday afternoon through Friday afternoon. Other than that, all bets are off.

#2 – Track your adherence to the diet or rules. It can be very simple (“Yes I was compliant today”/“No I wasn’t”). A spreadsheet, a calendar where you write X’s on the days where you were compliant, an app, a friend you check in with, etc. Your rules can be “Only drink 5 sodas this week,” “eat two vegetables per day,” or “eat under X amount of carbs.” Pick rules that line up with your life.

#3 – Track your progress, assess your strategy. Compare photos, measurements, and/or lifts in the gym at the end of the month. Are you better off than you were 30 days ago? Do you feel like you can stick with the rules for another few months? Were you able to stick to the plan more than 80-90% of the time?

#4) Stay the course, or course-correct:

Compliant with your rules and you lost weight? Great! Do it again for another month.

Couldn’t stick with your rules? Great! Adjust your rules to be less rigid so you’re more likely to stick with them.

Stuck with your rules but didn’t lose any weight? Great! You identified that your rules weren’t aligned with your goals. Adjust them.

#5) Repeat! Forgive yourself if you don’t succeed (each month is a new experiment). Even “failure” gives you information on what diets DON’T work for your situation.

You will need to follow these 5 steps every month for the rest of your life, so better get used it.

That’s what we call “life.”

Because life IS change and chaos.

Success comes from learning to navigate through the muck!

Your body will change in the coming years, and so will your rules. You might get pregnant or go through menopause. You might get an injury or change jobs or discover a food allergy. You might have kids or move cross country or go on vacation.

Each month, do a quick evaluation of where you are. Decide if you need to stay the course or make adjustments.

Do this consistently, and you’ll eventually arrive at the perfect diet FOR YOU. You are a unique snowflake in an environment and situation that is unique to you.

So again, I do not follow a paleo lifestyle. I don’t even recommend Paleo as the option that’s best for everybody.

What I recommend is treating life like an experiment, and using the resources and community here at Nerd Fitness to identify the rules and strategy that works for YOUR reality.

The Mental Models of Paleo, Keto, Slow Carb, Intermittent Fasting, Vegan, Vegetarian, or other eating models may be able to help you get started, and MIGHT even get you results!

But it’s gotta fit your life and ultimately be sustainable to have any real chance at long-term success.

So I recommend that YOU take control over finding the perfect diet for YOU.

Pick a mental model and incorporate it into your life. Lean on your friends or this community for support. Learn from people who have succeeded in the way you want to succeed. Track your compliance and progress. AND KEEP EVOLVING.

This is why I started Nerd Fitness: to help people cut through the crap and start to make progress that can stick even as the rest of their life goes through change.

If you’re somebody who is super overwhelmed or has struggled with yo-yo dieting for years, you’re not alone! This stuff is tough, and finding a way to navigate a constantly changing, chaotic life while following brutally strict rules ain’t easy.

This is why we created three different paths forward. The next step so you determine the “right diet for me.”

Pick the option that best aligns with your goals:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn more here!

#2) Nerd Fitness Prime – This is our private online community that’s helped 50,000 people get results permanently. 

There’s a 10-level nutrition system, boss battles, 20+ workouts, livestream workouts, and private communities to support you on your journey.

Join NF Prime! At home workout and livestream classes

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so. 

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

I want to hear from you with regards to these Mental Models and how they fit into your life:

What are your questions that I didn’t address above? I’ll do my best to respond to all comments!

Which Mental Model Diet worked for you?

Which one didn’t?

Let me know in the comments below!

-Steve

PS:Make sure you check out the rest of our Sustainable Weight Loss Content:

The 5 Rules of Weight Loss

Why Can’t I Lose Weight?

Can you Lose Weight and Build Muscle at the Same Time.

How to Start Eating Healthy (Without Giving up the Food You Love)

PPS: Please don’t do the Twinkie Diet.

###

Gif source: Spock, Cookie Monster, New Girl, Yes or No, Ready Cat, Stan Marsh, American Dad, Gollum, Daisy.

Photo source: clement127: Mr Banana, JonathanCohen: weightless, Reiterlied: The New Yoda, Rafael Peñaloza: Undecided, stavos: Fish soup, regolare: point brick, Jose Antonio Hidalgo Jimenez Killer Peppers….STAR WARS., clement127 In the lab

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

here’s study 1 and study 2, and study 3

hat tip to Physiqonomics who shared this video at some point in the past on his blog, which I really enjoy reading!

Actually, please don’t get mad at science.

Here’s one such list where Paleo comes in 33rd and Keto 39th out of 40 diets

Twinkie Diet – 27 lbs lost

Hell, I know a vegetarian that doesn’t eat any vegetables!

Here’s why I don’t believe the data in the China Study holds up to scrutiny.

We don’t want you becoming an underpants gnome

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?)

If you’re currently trying to lose weight, you might be asking yourself:

“Which diet is right for me?”

What’s the best diet for weight loss?”

They’re great questions, both with many different variables to consider.

Today, we’ll unpack it all for you.

We focus on proper diet and nutrition extensively in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program, but we’re gonna tell you everything you need to know below too.

Want to lose weight WITHOUT hating life? Learn how we can help!

Here’s what we’ll discuss in answering “What’s the best diet to lose weight?”:

How to eat for healthy weight loss

Which diet will help me lose weight? 

Why can’t I stick to a diet?

Which diet is the most effective in weight loss? (The 80% solution)

What’s a “good enough” diet? (Steve’s 80% solution)

Will being a vegetarian (or vegan) help me lose weight?

How to pick the diet that’s right for you (Next steps)

It’s a lot to cover, but DON’T PANIC. 

We’ll get through it together using science, stories from our very own community, and one too many pop-culture references:

Let’s get started.

How to Eat For Healthy Weight Loss

Here’s exactly how to lose weight:

#1 – Eat fewer calories than you burn every day.

#2 – Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Full stop.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add #3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

This solution will get you like 90% of the way towards a killer physique and a consistently healthy checkup at the doctor.

Mix in the right training and you’ll be 99% of the way there.

The problem is that pesky things like “reality” and “genetics” and “human behavior” keep getting in the way.

It’s why everybody goes on diet after diet after diet, gaining and losing the same 10-50 lbs.

Most people can only stick with a diet for a few weeks before they’re so miserable that they can’t wait to go back to how they were eating before.

They count calories and allow themselves to eat “health food” like low-fat ice cream and low-fat chips and just two Oreos. These people are so nutritionally deficient—eating calorie-heavy, unfulfilling foods—that they struggle to stay under their allotment of calories for they day. D’oh.

To make matters worse, even if they’re counting calories, they’re probably misreporting their food and overeating without realizing it.[2]

This is why people get so dang frustrated when they go on a calorie-restricted diet, track their food, and still don’t lose weight. The only explanation must be that their bodies must have slow metabolisms.

Yes, some people can do well with calorie counting long term – and I do believe EVERYBODY should count calories for at least a week to educate themselves about the food they are eating – but I think it’s only part of a solution that has plenty of room for error.

Watch this quick video of a person who believes she has a slow metabolism[3].

It turns out the exact opposite is true. Crap.

Despite everything stacked against us, Nerd Fitness is FULL of success stories of people who have lost 100s of pounds and kept the weight off. Here are a few dramatic ones (click on the images to read their full stories):

What gives?

Nerd Fitness doesn’t just tell you what to eat. Any Google search can tell you that.

Though we help there too.

At Nerd Fitness, we’re helping you learn HOW to think about eating too.

And that’s the difference maker.

Which Diet Will Help Me Lose Weight? (Mental Models for the Win)

The Nerd Fitness community is full of ridiculously smart people. Smart people that have tried in vain to lose weight for years or decades.

It’s because we’re fighting a brutal, uphill battle.

For many of us, food is way more than just fuel:

It’s a coping mechanism.

It’s how our moms showed us love.

It’s what we turn to when we’re happy or sad.

It can provide us with a small bit of happiness during an otherwise boring day.

Add in the fact that unhealthy food has been designed in a laboratory to be so delicious that it must be consumed in mass quantities, and trying to eat “just a few” of something is nearly impossible.

Next, add a dash of “I am obsessive and if I start to track calories I’m going to drive myself insane,” “even if I track my calories I’ll probably underreport how many calories I eat by at least 20%,” and “there is so much information that this all appears so overwhelming, so it’s a lost cause.”

This is why Mental Models are so useful (hat tip to my friend Shane over at Farnam Street Blog who taught me about Mental Models). I’m gonna borrow the concept here for nutrition.

Enter a MENTAL MODEL DIET:

Paleo Diet: If a caveman didn’t eat it, neither should you. “Okay, what would a caveman eat? Probably things that grow in the ground, so vegetables and fruit, and also animals. They wouldn’t eat candy or bread or pasta or drink soda.”

Keto Diet: Keep your carb intake under 5% (or more extreme, 10 grams, for example) of your total calories so your body has to burn fat for fuel instead of carbs and sugar. “Time to learn how many carbs are in everything I eat, and start tracking.”

Slow Carb Diet: Eat legumes, protein, veggies. “Time to learn how to make food that only fits the slow carb model. At least until cheat day!”

Intermittent Fasting: Only eat between 12pm and 8pm. Occasionally do 24 hour fasts. “Okay, so I’ll just skip breakfast. That’s one less meal I have to think about.”

In each of the above options, there are a few similarities that make them such trendy/popular diet choices. 

For the sake of simplicity, we’re going to hold off on digging into the health benefits that apply to a small percentage of the population on certain diets (Keto to treat epilepsy, Paleo/Keto for Hashimoto’s Disease, identifying a gluten intolerance, etc), we’re going to focus on the reasons MOST people pick these diets.

They’re simple to comprehend and will probably help you lose weight:

#1) They all will result in you eating fewer calories (usually).

If you follow the Paleo Diet, you are eliminating some of the most calorie dense, nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods out there. No more soda, no candy, no bread, no pasta, no sugar, no dairy.

If you follow the Keto Diet, you must track your carb intake, which means you’re going to also learn how many calories are in everything else you eat. You’re also essentially eliminating an entire macronutrient from your diet that’s notorious for keeping people overweight.

If you follow the Slow Carb Diet, you learn about which foods you can eat and which foods you can’t eat: yes to beans, no to dairy and grains. Like Paleo or Keto, you’re eliminating massively unhealthy foods from your diet, which will most likely result in weight loss.

If you do Intermittent Fasting, you’re eliminating 1/3rd of your meals for the day! Let’s say you normally ate an 800 calorie breakfast, 800 calorie lunch, and 800 calorie dinner. If you SKIP breakfast, that means you could eat larger lunches and dinners (1000 calories each) and still end up eating 400 calories less per day on average. That’s enough for 3-4 pounds of weight loss per month!

#2) You can answer “YES” or “NO” to adherence.

Sure, it would be great if you could weigh every element of food that you eat, and track each meal in a spreadsheet and KNOW you’re tracking each calorie and macronutrient correctly.

And for some people looking to get to bodybuilder levels of bodyfat, this level of perfection is required.

However, for the rest of us, working regular jobs, with kids, and lives, this shit is wayyyyy too much.

So these mental models are so damn helpful because they can simplify the overly complicated and allow us to get out of our own heads.

These Mental Model Diets require compliance and consistency. In each instance, there’s a very specific answer you can say every day, and a question you can ask yourself with each meal.

As our favorite green Jedi Master once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.”:

Paleo Diet: “Would a caveman eat this?” Yes or no.

Keto Diet: “Am I in ketosis?” Yes or no. You can even pee on strips to see if you are in ketosis.

Slow Carb Diet: “Did I only eat slow carb foods today?” Yes or no.

Intermittent Fasting: “Did I skip breakfast today? Did I stop eating after my feeding window?” Yes or no.

In each of these examples above, it removes ALLLLLLLL of the fluff, simplifies the heck out of our complex physiology and a complex problem. And it allows us to stop fooling ourselves.

With the mental models above, we have rules and a framework within which we can operate. It starts with black and white YES or NO questions we can ask.

We know what (or when) we can and can’t eat.

It’s a lot easier to fool ourselves when we are sneaking bites of cookies, having an extra roll at dinner, drinking a larger soda during a long night at work, eating some of our kid’s Halloween candy, and overeating while absentmindedly watching television.

When the rules are black and white, yes or no, there’s no place to hide.

Which means we need to get our act together if we’re going to stick with something.

We start to understand the quality and quantity of things we are putting in our pie holes. We start to dig into our relationship with food.

And in MANY cases, we start to lose some weight (again, see #1 above); this starts to make us feel better about ourselves. And we chase that feeling.

We create a positive virtuous cycle where we lose weight, get complimented, wake up not feeling like crap, look forward to exercising, and over time we become permanently changed, healthier, happier people.

In a similar vein, The Whole 30 Diet works for many people (“I only eat Whole 30 foods for the next 30 days”), but it will not result in long term changes if somebody goes back to their original unhealthy diet after the 30 days are up.

Temporary changes = temporary results.

#3) They can be done incorrectly, are tough to stick with long term, and won’t work for everybody.

Depending on our genetics, upbringing, lifestyle choices, addiction to sugar, relationship with food, what foods satiate us, etc., some of these options might work better for us than others.

As mentioned above, if ANY of the above nutritional strategies are done temporarily, they will result in temporary changes. This is how the majority of people go through life: gaining and losing the same 15-30 (or 50, or 100) pounds as they go on a diet and off a diet.

It’s a rollercoaster.

And not the good kind of rollercoaster with flips and corkscrews and probably involving Batman. It’s more like one of those rickety old wooden coasters that ruins your back.

Those rollercoasters suck, and so does putting your body through crazy weight loss extremes, up down, yes no, yo-yo.

Although these Mental Model diets can help people lose weight, they are often done for short time periods to get quick results.

And that’s only if people can actually stick with them long enough to get results! 

Let me explain.

Why Can’t I Stick to a Diet?

There are two main reasons why these diets won’t work for you.

Some of them are more strict, have more rules, and require you to be more militant in your approach.

Even if you are strict in applying the rules, you can STILL do the diets incorrectly and gain weight because of this whole concept of thermodynamics.

Don’t get mad at me. Get mad at science.[4]

MOST PEOPLE GROW FRUSTRATED BY POPULAR DIETS BECAUSE:

#1) You Can Do These Mental Model Diets Incorrectly:

Paleo: I know people who “go paleo” but eat just as many calories as they did in the past: they are eating paleo cookies, buckets of dried fruit (soooo much sugar and carbs), sweet potatoes, and so on. This person will be frustrated when they don’t lose weight.

Keto: If you go Keto but eat 5,000 calories per day, you’re gonna put on weight. Do this while sitting on your ass not doing heavy strength training, and that weight will be all fat.

Intermittent Fasting: If you do intermittent fasting but eat 2,000 calorie lunches and dinners, you’re gonna put on weight. Hell, I put on probably 30 pounds while doing IF, which was my plan.

Slow Carb: If you go slow carb but eat 6,000 calories of beans and other slow-carb worthy foods, you’re gonna gain weight (and have extreme flatulence).

#2) Sticking with these Mental Model Diets for the long haul can be tough!

The Paleo Diet and the Keto diet often come up dead last when it comes to a “List of Best Diets.”[5]

Now, the people writing those lists certainly have agendas, are trying to deal with the general population, adherence, a number of other factors, and more. In addition, there just haven’t been enough long term studies on some of these newer diet strategies.

Oh, and factor in anybody that wants to get page views by taking shots and tearing down whatever becomes popular. We’ll call this the “hipster phenomenon.” I look forward to the vitriolic backlash to Keto Diets over the next 3 years.

And you never know who to trust. Coca-Cola famously used to bribe scientists to conduct studies claiming sugar was healthy.

So why the hate for diets that have changed millions of lives and will probably help you lose weight?

The reason these diets have poor compliance is because most people will abandon them within days/weeks after starting them:

If somebody is following Paleo or Keto, they’re gonna go through “carb flu” symptoms as their body has to learn to burn fat instead of carbs for fuel. Their body can revolt against this, making them miserable for days or weeks.

Many give up and go back to sweet, comforting carbs. I imagine this happens to a majority of people.

For others, they might make it past the physiological challenges but still give up on the date. They hate having to be the difficult one at barbecues, they hate weighing food or counting carbs, and find the diets too restrictive to fit into their lives.

Compliance and elimination of certain foods can be really challenging, especially for people with families, who travel for work, and aren’t in control of the lunch and dinner options.

In an EXTREME example of a Mental Model diet done for publicity, a professor went on the Twinkie Diet (he ONLY ate Twinkies) and lost 27 pounds.[6]

Disregarding the health implications of only eating Twinkies, I can’t imagine saying “this is a diet I can stick with for the next decade.”

#3) People think “All or Nothing” and quickly abandon the diet when compliance fails.

If you are somebody who is on a Keto Diet or Paleo, you have a very specific set of rules to follow. If you accidentally slip up:

Oh crap, that food had more carbs than I realized, I am now out of ketosis and my world has ended.

Oh crap, I didn’t realize this was dairy. I have now brought shame upon my paleo heritage and must atone for my sins.

Life happens. Shit happens. And with these diets, we dumb humans have this unique ability to take one tiny mistake and allow it to ruin the next decade:

“I ate a breakfast that wasn’t Paleo, today is ruined and so this month. I’ll try again next month (even though it’s only the 5th). Oh look, a pile of carbs! NOM NOM NOM.”

“I got knocked out of Ketosis, which makes me a loser that can’t stick with anything and I hate myself. What’s the point? Who cares that I was in ketosis and lost 30 pounds. I’ll try again later. Now back to my regularly scheduled program of carbs and carbs and carbs topped with carbs!”

No wonder 60+% of America is overweight! We’re surrounded by calorie-dense, nutritionally-deficient foods designed to make us overeat.

We’re also surrounded by diet plans and products that promise fast results with no effort. We sabotage ourselves by thinking “99% complaint” is a failure and thus it’s a quick slide back to “0% compliant.”

It’s for these reasons I LOVE the IDEA of the Mental Model Diets above, but know that they’re not for everybody. They’re actually not for most people.

I think they can be a valuable starting point to help somebody simplify their decision-making process and educate themselves about the food they’re eating.

These Mental Model Diets can help people identify certain nutritional deficiencies or imbalances somebody might have, or unknown allergies.

They can help people identify sugar addictions, gluten intolerances, emotional triggers for food, and other valuable information to uncover.

And as previously mentioned, some of these diets even have serious health benefits for certain conditions (Keto has been used to treat epilepsy, for example).

But let’s stick with the general population and keep things simple.

For somebody that is very overweight, following one of the Mental Model Diets can be a huge boon and momentum builder. They can lose lots of weight early on, and build off this success to beget further success.

I also think long term compliance is really difficult for 95+% of the planet.

This is why the Paleo Diet isn’t for me. Nor is Keto. Or slow carb. And although I have been Intermittent Fasting for close to 5 years, I still don’t mind eating breakfast or brunch occasionally because it fits for me.

I want the solution that is pretty good. That gets me results. That fits into my reality.

This is the rough philosophy behind our 10-Level system which you can download as a free PDF when you sign up in the box below, which allows you to be damn good most of the time! Simple rules you can follow, and increase the challenge as you build momentum.

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

What Is the Most Effective Weight Loss Diet? (The 80% Solution)

You are a real person who lives in the real world and thus must deal with this thing called reality.

Sucks, I know.

We have to learn to make a Mental Model diet fit into our personal reality:

If you work in a candy store or a pastry shop, trying to go full Paleo 100% of the time is going to be impossible. You’re setting yourself up for failure, because you’re expecting your reality to be different than it is.

If you’re married to somebody who loves to cook Italian food, cutting out pasta is the first step towards divorce.

If you have kids, only keeping Keto foods will not win you any “Parent of the Year” awards. And you can kiss that “#1 Dad” mug goodbye.

If you can’t have “just one” of something, don’t fool yourself into trying to be disciplined enough to have “just one.” It’s actually why I pay extra money for small cartons of Goldfish Crackers and/or small cans of soda. It makes it easier for me to treat these things like…well, a treat and less like a staple of my diet.

You need to educate yourself about the food you eat. You need to identify the mental models that simplify your decision making process when it comes to food.

And you need to pick the level of adherence that aligns with your goals:

It’s why I wrote about how I’m “Paleo-ish” in the past. For some people, they start Paleo and settle into a “good enough” mentality that still has guardrails.

It’s why our “Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating” is one of our most popular articles.

It’s why thousands have joined Nerd Fitness Prime with our 10-level diet blueprint.

And it’s why our Online Coaching Program doesn’t promote a “one diet fits all” solution. Our coaches have our hundreds of clients track how they’re eating now and then educate them to introduce new rules and challenges from month to month!

We don’t want you to follow a diet for the next 30 days. We want you to follow a nutritional strategy that you can stick with for the next DECADE.

Which means you need a solution that accomplishes three things:

A strategy that you can follow consistently for 5+ years.

A strategy that you can track your compliance with.

If done long enough, a strategy that will help you reach your goal weight/physique.

Following a “pizza, pasta, and soda” diet might be something you can stick with for 5+ years, but it won’t make you reach your healthy weight.

If Keto will help you lose weight but you can’t stick with it for 5+ years, then “strict keto forever” probably isn’t the best strategy for you.

This is why we want rules we can follow, that help us reach our goals, that we can live with permanently.

Think of these rules like bumper lanes in bowling.

You can’t throw it in the gutter (0% compliance), but you have enough guardrails that allow you to still knock over the pins (weight loss).

THAT is the sweet spot.

What’s a “Good Enough” Diet? (Steve’s 80% Solution)

I’ve identified certain mental models and rules  that help me make sense of my day without being overly neurotic, still have fun with friends, and ALSO allow me to reach my strength training and physique goals.

Here’s my personal “80% of the time, it works every time” strategy:

#1) Skip breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast. My first feed happens after my 11am workout. Yup, sometimes I’ll eat brunch on a weekend or have a bagel/donut, but that’s rare. I love Intermittent Fasting, it works for me, and I’ll probably do this for the rest of my life.

#2) Eat real food most of the time. I know what real food is. I try to only eat real food. If you hate veggies (as I used to), here’s how I learned to love them. Yup, I still eat rice and potatoes.

#3) Know my calories. I skip breakfast, and I eat the same lunch every day, and I know the basic quantities and calories of foods I normally eat. This means I generally know how many calories I’m eating every day with minimal effort. This is done more strictly if I am targeting certain goals.

Alternatively, we can learn portion sizes like we cover in our “Healthy Eating” guide.

#4) No unnecessary liquid calories. I drink black coffee, unsweet black tea, or water. No soda. No juice (which is pretty much sugar water). I do put whole milk in my powerbomb smoothies, which I drink specifically to help me overeat on training days to build muscle. I still drink whiskey (neat) or good beer when the occasion calls for it!

#5) Never eat two unhealthy meals in a row. If I eat an unhealthy lunch (pizza and wings and beer), I either make my dinner healthy or skip dinner entirely. If I ate an unhealthy dinner, my lunch the next day is going to be healthy. I know myself, and when it comes to momentum killing, 1 bad meal is a speed bump, 2 is a brick wall.

Before I help you come up with your own rules, I want to address the elephant in the room.

Okay, now that I’ve addressed him, let’s talk about vegetarians and vegans!

Will Being a Vegetarian (Or Vegan) Help Me Lose Weight?

I actually considered including Vegetarian or Vegan mental models in the above sections, as I know we have plenty of plant-based folks in the Rebellion.

Here’s why I didn’t: neither option satisfies Rule #1 (“By following this strategy, you will most likely lose weight”). I’ll explain.

Yes, as a vegan or vegetarian, you can ask yourself: “Is this Vegan/Vegetarian? Yes or No” (Rule #2), which does make it a mental model in that respect.

However, in order for you to lose weight and be healthier on either mental model, you need to be very aware of the foods you’re eating and how many calories they have—which introduces more complexity.

Pizza, fettuccine alfredo, bowls of sugary cereal, grilled cheese sandwiches, and calorie-bomb burritos can be vegetarian.[7]

Donuts, pasta, and bread can be vegan.

Plant-based? Technically, yes. Healthy? Ehhhh.

Just like you can do Paleo or Keto incorrectly, you absolutely can be an unhealthy vegetarian or an unhealthy vegan. The same is true of going gluten-free.

Long story short: if you are thinking of going vegetarian or vegan for whatever reason (nutritional, moral, religion, this new person you’re dating is vegetarian, etc.), go for it!

It might work for you! It might not.

It might help you lose weight! It might not.

It all depends on what foods you are eating in addition to being vegan or vegetarian.

So, if going plant-based ALSO helps you educate yourself on what you’re putting in your body, if it helps you make better food decisions, and changes your relationship with food for the long term, and gets you the health/physique results you’re after, great!

KEEP DOING IT!

Just don’t fool yourself into blindly believing what you’re doing is healthy just because you cut out meat without actually analyzing what you’re replacing it with.

If you are vegan or vegetarian and planned on emailing me angry words for not including them as healthy options above, thus concludes my cover-my-ass explanation. We’re cool, right?

Also, yes. I have read the China Study. [8]

Lastly, if you are contemplating moving to a vegan or vegetarian diet, make sure you check out our massive guide “How to Eat a Plant-Based Diet: A Scientific Look at Going Vegan Safely” for tips and tricks to make it work.

How to Pick the Diet That’s Right For You (next steps)

Those are the rules I’ve picked above that fit MY reality. I adjust based on my progress from month-to-month, whether or not I’m making progress in the gym (and in the mirror!).

Here’s how you can determine the best diet for you: Throw the concept of the “perfect diet” out the window and staple this to your forehead: “The perfect diet is the diet I can actually stick with.”

Actually, don’t staple that to your forehead. It’ll be backwards when you look in the mirror and that will defeat the purpose.

Instead, do this – Be a badass scientist:

#1 – Do some research, juuuuust enough to get started[9], and pick the diet or the rules you want to start with. Pick the rules that you can live with. Then, start. Now.

Here are some sample yes/no rules to get you started outside of the mental model diets. Note the difference in challenge/healthiness – pick the ones at YOUR level:

I can’t drink more than 5 sodas per week (instead of my normal 10). It’s up to me when I drink them.

I don’t eat fast food Monday through Friday.

I eat a vegetable with every lunch and dinner.

Once per week I’ll do a 24-hour fast.

I don’t drink alcohol on Sunday afternoon through Friday afternoon. Other than that, all bets are off.

#2 – Track your adherence to the diet or rules. It can be very simple (“Yes I was compliant today”/“No I wasn’t”). A spreadsheet, a calendar where you write X’s on the days where you were compliant, an app, a friend you check in with, etc. Your rules can be “Only drink 5 sodas this week,” “eat two vegetables per day,” or “eat under X amount of carbs.” Pick rules that line up with your life.

#3 – Track your progress, assess your strategy. Compare photos, measurements, and/or lifts in the gym at the end of the month. Are you better off than you were 30 days ago? Do you feel like you can stick with the rules for another few months? Were you able to stick to the plan more than 80-90% of the time?

#4) Stay the course, or course-correct:

Compliant with your rules and you lost weight? Great! Do it again for another month.

Couldn’t stick with your rules? Great! Adjust your rules to be less rigid so you’re more likely to stick with them.

Stuck with your rules but didn’t lose any weight? Great! You identified that your rules weren’t aligned with your goals. Adjust them.

#5) Repeat! Forgive yourself if you don’t succeed (each month is a new experiment). Even “failure” gives you information on what diets DON’T work for your situation.

You will need to follow these 5 steps every month for the rest of your life, so better get used it.

That’s what we call “life.”

Because life IS change and chaos.

Success comes from learning to navigate through the muck!

Your body will change in the coming years, and so will your rules. You might get pregnant or go through menopause. You might get an injury or change jobs or discover a food allergy. You might have kids or move cross country or go on vacation.

Each month, do a quick evaluation of where you are. Decide if you need to stay the course or make adjustments.

Do this consistently, and you’ll eventually arrive at the perfect diet FOR YOU. You are a unique snowflake in an environment and situation that is unique to you.

So again, I do not follow a paleo lifestyle. I don’t even recommend Paleo as the option that’s best for everybody.

What I recommend is treating life like an experiment, and using the resources and community here at Nerd Fitness to identify the rules and strategy that works for YOUR reality.

The Mental Models of Paleo, Keto, Slow Carb, Intermittent Fasting, Vegan, Vegetarian, or other eating models may be able to help you get started, and MIGHT even get you results!

But it’s gotta fit your life and ultimately be sustainable to have any real chance at long-term success.

So I recommend that YOU take control over finding the perfect diet for YOU.

Pick a mental model and incorporate it into your life. Lean on your friends or this community for support. Learn from people who have succeeded in the way you want to succeed. Track your compliance and progress. AND KEEP EVOLVING.

This is why I started Nerd Fitness: to help people cut through the crap and start to make progress that can stick even as the rest of their life goes through change.

If you’re somebody who is super overwhelmed or has struggled with yo-yo dieting for years, you’re not alone! This stuff is tough, and finding a way to navigate a constantly changing, chaotic life while following brutally strict rules ain’t easy.

This is why we created three different paths forward. The next step so you determine the “right diet for me.”

Pick the option that best aligns with your goals:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn more here!

#2) Nerd Fitness Prime – This is our private online community that’s helped 50,000 people get results permanently. 

There’s a 10-level nutrition system, boss battles, 20+ workouts, livestream workouts, and private communities to support you on your journey.

Join NF Prime! At home workout and livestream classes

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so. 

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

I want to hear from you with regards to these Mental Models and how they fit into your life:

What are your questions that I didn’t address above? I’ll do my best to respond to all comments!

Which Mental Model Diet worked for you?

Which one didn’t?

Let me know in the comments below!

-Steve

PS:Make sure you check out the rest of our Sustainable Weight Loss Content:

The 5 Rules of Weight Loss

Why Can’t I Lose Weight?

Can you Lose Weight and Build Muscle at the Same Time.

How to Start Eating Healthy (Without Giving up the Food You Love)

PPS: Please don’t do the Twinkie Diet.

###

Gif source: Spock, Cookie Monster, New Girl, Yes or No, Ready Cat, Stan Marsh, American Dad, Gollum, Daisy.

Photo source: clement127: Mr Banana, JonathanCohen: weightless, Reiterlied: The New Yoda, Rafael Peñaloza: Undecided, stavos: Fish soup, regolare: point brick, Jose Antonio Hidalgo Jimenez Killer Peppers….STAR WARS., clement127 In the lab

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

here’s study 1 and study 2, and study 3

hat tip to Physiqonomics who shared this video at some point in the past on his blog, which I really enjoy reading!

Actually, please don’t get mad at science.

Here’s one such list where Paleo comes in 33rd and Keto 39th out of 40 diets

Twinkie Diet – 27 lbs lost

Hell, I know a vegetarian that doesn’t eat any vegetables!

Here’s why I don’t believe the data in the China Study holds up to scrutiny.

We don’t want you becoming an underpants gnome

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?)

If you’re currently trying to lose weight, you might be asking yourself: “Which diet is right for me? What’s the best diet for weight loss?”

They’re great questions, both with many different variables to consider.

Today, we’ll unpack it all for you.

We focus on proper diet and nutrition extensively in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program, but we’re gonna tell you everything you need to know below too.

Want to lose weight WITHOUT hating life? Learn how we can help!

Here’s what we’ll discuss in answering “What’s the best diet to lose weight?”:

How to eat for healthy weight loss

Which diet will help me lose weight? 

Why can’t I stick to a diet?

Which diet is the most effective in weight loss? (The 80% solution)

What’s a “good enough” diet? (Steve’s 80% solution)

Will being a vegetarian (or vegan) help me lose weight?

How to pick the diet that’s right for you (Next steps)

It’s a lot to cover, but DON’T PANIC. 

We’ll get through it together using science, stories from our very own community, and one too many pop-culture references:

Let’s get started.

How to Eat For Healthy Weight Loss

Here’s exactly how to lose weight:

#1 – Eat fewer calories than you burn every day.

#2 – Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Full stop.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add #3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

This solution will get you like 90% of the way towards a killer physique and a consistently healthy checkup at the doctor.

Mix in the right training and you’ll be 99% of the way there.

The problem is that pesky things like “reality” and “genetics” and “human behavior” keep getting in the way.

It’s why everybody goes on diet after diet after diet, gaining and losing the same 10-50 lbs.

Most people can only stick with a diet for a few weeks before they’re so miserable that they can’t wait to go back to how they were eating before.

They count calories and allow themselves to eat “health food” like low-fat ice cream and low-fat chips and just two Oreos. These people are so nutritionally deficient—eating calorie-heavy, unfulfilling foods—that they struggle to stay under their allotment of calories for they day. D’oh.

To make matters worse, even if they’re counting calories, they’re probably misreporting their food and overeating without realizing it.[2]

This is why people get so dang frustrated when they go on a calorie-restricted diet, track their food, and still don’t lose weight. The only explanation must be that their bodies must have slow metabolisms.

Yes, some people can do well with calorie counting long term – and I do believe EVERYBODY should count calories for at least a week to educate themselves about the food they are eating – but I think it’s only part of a solution that has plenty of room for error.

Watch this quick video of a person who believes she has a slow metabolism[3].

It turns out the exact opposite is true. Crap.

Despite everything stacked against us, Nerd Fitness is FULL of success stories of people who have lost 100s of pounds and kept the weight off. Here are a few dramatic ones (click on the images to read their full stories):

What gives?

Nerd Fitness doesn’t just tell you what to eat. Any Google search can tell you that.

Though we help there too.

At Nerd Fitness, we’re helping you learn HOW to think about eating too.

And that’s the difference maker.

Which Diet Will Help Me Lose Weight? (Mental Models for the Win)

The Nerd Fitness community is full of ridiculously smart people. Smart people that have tried in vain to lose weight for years or decades.

It’s because we’re fighting a brutal, uphill battle.

For many of us, food is way more than just fuel:

It’s a coping mechanism.

It’s how our moms showed us love.

It’s what we turn to when we’re happy or sad.

It can provide us with a small bit of happiness during an otherwise boring day.

Add in the fact that unhealthy food has been designed in a laboratory to be so delicious that it must be consumed in mass quantities, and trying to eat “just a few” of something is nearly impossible.

Next, add a dash of “I am obsessive and if I start to track calories I’m going to drive myself insane,” “even if I track my calories I’ll probably underreport how many calories I eat by at least 20%,” and “there is so much information that this all appears so overwhelming, so it’s a lost cause.”

This is why Mental Models are so useful (hat tip to my friend Shane over at Farnam Street Blog who taught me about Mental Models). I’m gonna borrow the concept here for nutrition.

Enter a MENTAL MODEL DIET:

Paleo Diet: If a caveman didn’t eat it, neither should you. “Okay, what would a caveman eat? Probably things that grow in the ground, so vegetables and fruit, and also animals. They wouldn’t eat candy or bread or pasta or drink soda.”

Keto Diet: Keep your carb intake under 5% (or more extreme, 10 grams, for example) of your total calories so your body has to burn fat for fuel instead of carbs and sugar. “Time to learn how many carbs are in everything I eat, and start tracking.”

Slow Carb Diet: Eat legumes, protein, veggies. “Time to learn how to make food that only fits the slow carb model. At least until cheat day!”

Intermittent Fasting: Only eat between 12pm and 8pm. Occasionally do 24 hour fasts. “Okay, so I’ll just skip breakfast. That’s one less meal I have to think about.”

In each of the above options, there are a few similarities that make them such trendy/popular diet choices. 

For the sake of simplicity, we’re going to hold off on digging into the health benefits that apply to a small percentage of the population on certain diets (Keto to treat epilepsy, Paleo/Keto for Hashimoto’s Disease, identifying a gluten intolerance, etc), we’re going to focus on the reasons MOST people pick these diets.

They’re simple to comprehend and will probably help you lose weight:

#1) They all will result in you eating fewer calories (usually).

If you follow the Paleo Diet, you are eliminating some of the most calorie dense, nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods out there. No more soda, no candy, no bread, no pasta, no sugar, no dairy.

If you follow the Keto Diet, you must track your carb intake, which means you’re going to also learn how many calories are in everything else you eat. You’re also essentially eliminating an entire macronutrient from your diet that’s notorious for keeping people overweight.

If you follow the Slow Carb Diet, you learn about which foods you can eat and which foods you can’t eat: yes to beans, no to dairy and grains. Like Paleo or Keto, you’re eliminating massively unhealthy foods from your diet, which will most likely result in weight loss.

If you do Intermittent Fasting, you’re eliminating 1/3rd of your meals for the day! Let’s say you normally ate an 800 calorie breakfast, 800 calorie lunch, and 800 calorie dinner. If you SKIP breakfast, that means you could eat larger lunches and dinners (1000 calories each) and still end up eating 400 calories less per day on average. That’s enough for 3-4 pounds of weight loss per month!

#2) You can answer “YES” or “NO” to adherence.

Sure, it would be great if you could weigh every element of food that you eat, and track each meal in a spreadsheet and KNOW you’re tracking each calorie and macronutrient correctly.

And for some people looking to get to bodybuilder levels of bodyfat, this level of perfection is required.

However, for the rest of us, working regular jobs, with kids, and lives, this shit is wayyyyy too much.

So these mental models are so damn helpful because they can simplify the overly complicated and allow us to get out of our own heads.

These Mental Model Diets require compliance and consistency. In each instance, there’s a very specific answer you can say every day, and a question you can ask yourself with each meal.

As our favorite green Jedi Master once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.”:

Paleo Diet: “Would a caveman eat this?” Yes or no.

Keto Diet: “Am I in ketosis?” Yes or no. You can even pee on strips to see if you are in ketosis.

Slow Carb Diet: “Did I only eat slow carb foods today?” Yes or no.

Intermittent Fasting: “Did I skip breakfast today? Did I stop eating after my feeding window?” Yes or no.

In each of these examples above, it removes ALLLLLLLL of the fluff, simplifies the heck out of our complex physiology and a complex problem. And it allows us to stop fooling ourselves.

With the mental models above, we have rules and a framework within which we can operate. It starts with black and white YES or NO questions we can ask.

We know what (or when) we can and can’t eat.

It’s a lot easier to fool ourselves when we are sneaking bites of cookies, having an extra roll at dinner, drinking a larger soda during a long night at work, eating some of our kid’s Halloween candy, and overeating while absentmindedly watching television.

When the rules are black and white, yes or no, there’s no place to hide.

Which means we need to get our act together if we’re going to stick with something.

We start to understand the quality and quantity of things we are putting in our pie holes. We start to dig into our relationship with food.

And in MANY cases, we start to lose some weight (again, see #1 above); this starts to make us feel better about ourselves. And we chase that feeling.

We create a positive virtuous cycle where you lose weight, get complimented, wake up not feeling like crap, look forward to exercising, and over time we become permanently changed, healthier, happier people.

In a similar vein, The Whole 30 Diet works for many people (“I only eat Whole 30 foods for the next 30 days”), but it will not result in long term changes if somebody goes back to their original unhealthy diet after the 30 days are up.

Temporary changes = temporary results.

#3) They can be done incorrectly, are tough to stick with long term, and won’t work for everybody.

Depending on our genetics, upbringing, lifestyle choices, addiction to sugar, relationship with food, what foods satiate us, etc., some of these options might work better for us than others.

As mentioned above, if ANY of the above nutritional strategies are done temporarily, they will result in temporary changes. This is how the majority of people go through life: gaining and losing the same 15-30 (or 50, or 100) pounds as they go on a diet and off a diet.

It’s a rollercoaster.

And not the good kind of rollercoaster with flips and corkscrews and probably involving Batman. It’s more like one of those rickety old wooden coasters that ruins your back.

Those rollercoasters suck, and so does putting your body through crazy weight loss extremes, up down, yes no, yo-yo.

Although these Mental Model diets can help people lose weight, they are often done for short time periods to get quick results.

And that’s only if people can actually stick with them long enough to get results! 

Let me explain.

Why Can’t I Stick to a Diet?

There are two main reasons why these diets won’t work for you.

Some of them are more strict, have more rules, and require you to be more militant in your approach.

Even if you are strict in applying the rules, you can STILL do the diets incorrectly and gain weight because of this whole concept of thermodynamics.

Don’t get mad at me. Get mad at science.[4]

MOST PEOPLE GROW FRUSTRATED BY POPULAR DIETS BECAUSE:

#1) You Can Do These Mental Model Diets Incorrectly:

Paleo: I know people who “go paleo” but eat just as many calories as they did in the past: they are eating paleo cookies, buckets of dried fruit (soooo much sugar and carbs), sweet potatoes, and so on. This person will be frustrated when they don’t lose weight.

Keto: If you go Keto but eat 5,000 calories per day, you’re gonna put on weight. Do this while sitting on your ass not doing heavy strength training, and that weight will be all fat.

Intermittent Fasting: If you do intermittent fasting but eat 2,000 calorie lunches and dinners, you’re gonna put on weight. Hell, I put on probably 30 pounds while doing IF, which was my plan.

Slow Carb: If you go slow carb but eat 6,000 calories of beans and other slow-carb worthy foods, you’re gonna gain weight (and have extreme flatulence).

#2) Sticking with these Mental Model Diets for the long haul can be tough

The Paleo Diet and the Keto diet often come up dead last when it comes to a “List of Best Diets.”[5]

Now, the people writing those lists certainly have agendas, are trying to deal with the general population, adherence, a number of other factors, and more. In addition, there just haven’t been enough long term studies on some of these newer diet strategies.

Oh, and factor in anybody that wants to get page views by taking shots and tearing down whatever becomes popular. We’ll call this the “hipster phenomenon.” I look forward to the vitriolic backlash to Keto Diets over the next 3 years.

And you never know who to trust. Coca-Cola famously used to bribe scientists to conduct studies claiming sugar was healthy.

So why the hate for diets that have changed millions of lives and will probably help you lose weight?

The reason these diets have poor compliance is because most people will abandon them within days/weeks after starting them:

If somebody is following Paleo or Keto, they’re gonna go through “carb flu” symptoms as their body has to learn to burn fat instead of carbs for fuel. Their body can revolt against this, making them miserable for days or weeks.

Many give up and go back to sweet, comforting carbs. I imagine this happens to a majority of people.

For others, they might make it past the physiological challenges but still give up on the date. They hate having to be the difficult one at barbecues, they hate weighing food or counting carbs, and find the diets too restrictive to fit into their lives.

Compliance and elimination of certain foods can be really challenging, especially for people with families, who travel for work, and aren’t in control of the lunch and dinner options.

In an EXTREME example of a Mental Model diet done for publicity, a professor went on the Twinkie Diet (he ONLY ate Twinkies) and lost 27 pounds.[6]

Disregarding the health implications of only eating Twinkies, I can’t imagine saying “this is a diet I can stick with for the next decade.”

#3) People think “All or Nothing” and quickly abandon the diet when compliance fails.

If you are somebody who is on a Keto Diet or Paleo, you have a very specific set of rules to follow. If you accidentally slip up:

Oh crap, that food had more carbs than I realized, I am now out of ketosis and my world has ended.

Oh crap, I didn’t realize this was dairy. I have now brought shame upon my paleo heritage and must atone for my sins.

Life happens. Shit happens. And with these diets, we dumb humans have this unique ability to take one tiny mistake and allow it to ruin the next decade:

“I ate a breakfast that wasn’t Paleo, today is ruined and so this month. I’ll try again next month (even though it’s only the 5th). Oh look, a pile of carbs! NOM NOM NOM.”

“I got knocked out of Ketosis, which makes me a loser that can’t stick with anything and I hate myself. What’s the point? Who cares that I was in ketosis and lost 30 pounds. I’ll try again later. Now back to my regularly scheduled program of carbs and carbs and carbs topped with carbs!”

No wonder 60+% of America is overweight! We’re surrounded by calorie-dense, nutritionally-deficient foods designed to make us overeat.

We’re also surrounded by diet plans and products that promise fast results with no effort. We sabotage ourselves by thinking “99% complaint” is a failure and thus it’s a quick slide back to “0% compliant.”

It’s for these reasons I LOVE the IDEA of the Mental Model Diets above, but know that they’re not for everybody. They’re actually not for most people.

I think they can be a valuable starting point to help somebody simplify their decision-making process and educate themselves about the food they’re eating.

These Mental Model Diets can help people identify certain nutritional deficiencies or imbalances somebody might have, or unknown allergies.

They can help people identify sugar addictions, gluten intolerances, emotional triggers for food, and other valuable information to uncover. And as previously mentioned, some of these diets even have serious health benefits for certain conditions (Keto has been used to treat epilepsy, for example).

But let’s stick with the general population and keep things simple.

For somebody that is very overweight, following one of the Mental Model Diets can be a huge boon and momentum builder. They can lose lots of weight early on, and build off this success to beget further success.

I also think long term compliance is really difficult for 95+% of the planet.

This is why the Paleo Diet isn’t for me. Nor is Keto. Or slow carb. And although I have been Intermittent Fasting for close to 5 years, I still don’t mind eating breakfast or brunch occasionally because it fits for me.

I want the solution that is pretty good. That gets me results. That fits into my reality.

This is the rough philosophy behind our 10-Level system which you can download as a free PDF when you sign up in the box below, which allows you to be damn good most of the time! Simple rules you can follow, and increase the challenge as you build momentum.

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

What Is the Most Effective Weight Loss Diet? (The 80% Solution)

You are a real person who lives in the real world and thus must deal with this thing called reality.

Sucks, I know.

We have to learn to make a Mental Model diet fit into our personal reality:

If you work in a candy store or a pastry shop, trying to go full Paleo 100% of the time is going to be impossible. You’re setting yourself up for failure, because you’re expecting your reality to be different than it is.

If you’re married to somebody who loves to cook Italian food, cutting out pasta is the first step towards divorce.

If you have kids, only keeping Keto foods will not win you any “Parent of the Year” awards. And you can kiss that “#1 Dad” mug goodbye.

If you can’t have “just one” of something, don’t fool yourself into trying to be disciplined enough to have “just one.” It’s actually why I pay extra money for small cartons of Goldfish Crackers and/or small cans of soda. It makes it easier for me to treat these things like…well, a treat and less like a staple of my diet.

You need to educate yourself about the food you eat. You need to identify the mental models that simplify your decision making process when it comes to food.

And you need to pick the level of adherence that aligns with your goals:

It’s why I wrote about how I’m “Paleo-ish” in the past. For some people, they start Paleo and settle into a “good enough” mentality that still has guardrails.

It’s why our “Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating” is one of our most popular articles.

It’s why over 50,000 people have joined our NF Academy with the 10-level diet stuff.

And it’s why our 1-on-1 coaching program doesn’t promote a “one diet fits all” solution. Our coaches have our hundreds of clients track how they’re eating now and then educate them to introduce new rules and challenges from month to month!

We don’t want you to follow a diet for the next 30 days. We want you to follow a nutritional strategy that you can stick with for the next DECADE.

Which means you need a solution that accomplishes three things:

A strategy that you can follow consistently for 5+ years.

A strategy that you can track your compliance with.

If done long enough, a strategy that will help you reach your goal weight/physique.

Following a “pizza, pasta, and soda” diet might be something you can stick with for 5+ years, but it won’t make you reach your healthy weight.

If Keto will help you lose weight but you can’t stick with it for 5+ years, then “strict keto forever” probably isn’t the best strategy for you.

This is why we want rules we can follow, that help us reach our goals, that we can live with permanently.

Think of these rules like bumper lanes in bowling.

You can’t throw it in the gutter (0% compliance), but you have enough guardrails that allow you to still knock over the pins (weight loss).

THAT is the sweet spot.

What’s a “Good Enough” Diet? (Steve’s 80% Solution)

I’ve identified certain mental models and rules  that help me make sense of my day without being overly neurotic, still have fun with friends, and ALSO allow me to reach my strength training and physique goals.

Here’s my personal “80% of the time, it works every time” strategy:

#1) Skip breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast. My first feed happens after my 11am workout. Yup, sometimes I’ll eat brunch on a weekend or have a bagel/donut, but that’s rare. I love Intermittent Fasting, it works for me, and I’ll probably do this for the rest of my life.

#2) Eat real food most of the time. I know what real food is. I try to only eat real food. If you hate veggies (as I used to), here’s how I learned to love them. Yup, I still eat rice and potatoes.

#3) Know my calories. I skip breakfast, and I eat the same lunch every day, and I know the basic quantities and calories of foods I normally eat. This means I generally know how many calories I’m eating every day with minimal effort. This is done more strictly if I am targeting certain goals.

Alternatively, we can learn portion sizes like we cover in our “Healthy Eating” guide.

#4) No unnecessary liquid calories. I drink black coffee, unsweet black tea, or water. No soda. No juice (which is pretty much sugar water). I do put whole milk in my powerbomb smoothies, which I drink specifically to help me overeat on training days to build muscle. I still drink whiskey (neat) or good beer when the occasion calls for it!

#5) Never eat two unhealthy meals in a row. If I eat an unhealthy lunch (pizza and wings and beer), I either make my dinner healthy or skip dinner entirely. If I ate an unhealthy dinner, my lunch the next day is going to be healthy. I know myself, and when it comes to momentum killing, 1 bad meal is a speed bump, 2 is a brick wall.

Before I help you come up with your own rules, I want to address the elephant in the room.

Okay, now that I’ve addressed him, let’s talk about vegetarians and vegans!

Will Being a Vegetarian (Or Vegan) Help Me Lose Weight?

I actually considered including Vegetarian or Vegan mental models in the above sections, as I know we have plenty of plant-based folks in the Rebellion.

Here’s why I didn’t: neither option satisfies Rule #1 (“By following this strategy, you will most likely lose weight”). I’ll explain.

Yes, as a vegan or vegetarian, you can ask yourself: “Is this Vegan/Vegetarian? Yes or No” (Rule #2), which does make it a mental model in that respect.

However, in order for you to lose weight and be healthier on either mental model, you need to be very aware of the foods you’re eating and how many calories they have—which introduces more complexity.

Pizza, fettuccine alfredo, bowls of sugary cereal, grilled cheese sandwiches, and calorie-bomb burritos can be vegetarian.[7]

Donuts, pasta, and bread can be vegan.

Plant-based? Technically, yes. Healthy? Ehhhh.

Just like you can do Paleo or Keto incorrectly, you absolutely can be an unhealthy vegetarian or an unhealthy vegan. The same is true of going gluten-free.

Long story short: if you are thinking of going vegetarian or vegan for whatever reason (nutritional, moral, religion, this new person you’re dating is vegetarian, etc.), go for it!

It might work for you! It might not.

It might help you lose weight! It might not.

It all depends on what foods you are eating in addition to being vegan or vegetarian.

So, if going plant-based ALSO helps you educate yourself on what you’re putting in your body, if it helps you make better food decisions, and changes your relationship with food for the long term, and gets you the health/physique results you’re after, great!

KEEP DOING IT!

Just don’t fool yourself into blindly believing what you’re doing is healthy just because you cut out meat without actually analyzing what you’re replacing it with.

If you are vegan or vegetarian and planned on emailing me angry words for not including them as healthy options above, thus concludes my cover-my-ass explanation. We’re cool, right?

Also, yes. I have read the China Study. [8]

Lastly, if you are contemplating moving to a vegan or vegetarian diet, make sure you check out our massive guide “How to Eat a Plant-Based Diet: A Scientific Look at Going Vegan Safely” for tips and tricks to make it work.

How to Pick the Diet That’s Right For You (next steps)

Those are the rules I’ve picked above that fit MY reality. I adjust based on my progress from month-to-month, whether or not I’m making progress in the gym (and in the mirror!).

Here’s how you can determine the best diet for you: Throw the concept of the “perfect diet” out the window and staple this to your forehead: “The perfect diet is the diet I can actually stick with.”

Actually, don’t staple that to your forehead. It’ll be backwards when you look in the mirror and that will defeat the purpose.

Instead, do this – Be a badass scientist:

#1 – Do some research, juuuuust enough to get started[9], and pick the diet or the rules you want to start with. Pick the rules that you can live with. Then, start. Now.

Here are some sample yes/no rules to get you started outside of the mental model diets. Note the difference in challenge/healthiness – pick the ones at YOUR level:

I can’t drink more than 5 sodas per week (instead of my normal 10). It’s up to me when I drink them.

I don’t eat fast food Monday through Friday.

I eat a vegetable with every lunch and dinner.

Once per week I’ll do a 24-hour fast.

I don’t drink alcohol on Sunday afternoon through Friday afternoon. Other than that, all bets are off.

#2 – Track your adherence to the diet or rules. It can be very simple (“Yes I was compliant today”/“No I wasn’t”). A spreadsheet, a calendar where you write X’s on the days where you were compliant, an app, a friend you check in with, etc. Your rules can be “Only drink 5 sodas this week,” “eat two vegetables per day,” or “eat under X amount of carbs.” Pick rules that line up with your life.

#3 – Track your progress, assess your strategy. Compare photos, measurements, and/or lifts in the gym at the end of the month. Are you better off than you were 30 days ago? Do you feel like you can stick with the rules for another few months? Were you able to stick to the plan more than 80-90% of the time?

#4) Stay the course, or course-correct:

Compliant with your rules and you lost weight? Great! Do it again for another month.

Couldn’t stick with your rules? Great! Adjust your rules to be less rigid so you’re more likely to stick with them.

Stuck with your rules but didn’t lose any weight? Great! You identified that your rules weren’t aligned with your goals. Adjust them.

#5) Repeat! Forgive yourself if you don’t succeed (each month is a new experiment). Even “failure” gives you information on what diets DON’T work for your situation.

You will need to follow these 5 steps every month for the rest of your life, so better get used it.

That’s what we call “life.”

Because life IS change and chaos.

Success comes from learning to navigate through the muck!

Your body will change in the coming years, and so will your rules. You might get pregnant or go through menopause. You might get an injury or change jobs or discover a food allergy. You might have kids or move cross country or go on vacation.

Each month, do a quick evaluation of where you are. Decide if you need to stay the course or make adjustments.

Do this consistently, and you’ll eventually arrive at the perfect diet FOR YOU. You are a unique snowflake in an environment and situation that is unique to you.

So again, I do not follow a paleo lifestyle. I don’t even recommend Paleo as the option that’s best for everybody.

What I recommend is treating life like an experiment, and using the resources and community here at Nerd Fitness to identify the rules and strategy that works for YOUR reality.

The Mental Models of Paleo, Keto, Slow Carb, Intermittent Fasting, Vegan, Vegetarian, or other eating models may be able to help you get started, and MIGHT even get you results!

But it’s gotta fit your life and ultimately be sustainable to have any real chance at long-term success.

So I recommend that YOU take control over finding the perfect diet for YOU.

Pick a mental model and incorporate it into your life. Lean on your friends or this community for support. Learn from people who have succeeded in the way you want to succeed. Track your compliance and progress. AND KEEP EVOLVING.

This is why I started Nerd Fitness: to help people cut through the crap and start to make progress that can stick even as the rest of their life goes through change.

If you’re somebody who is super overwhelmed or has struggled with yo-yo dieting for years, you’re not alone! This stuff is tough, and finding a way to navigate a constantly changing, chaotic life while following brutally strict rules ain’t easy.

This is why we created three different paths forward. The next step so you determine the “right diet for me.”

Pick the option that best aligns with your goals:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn more here!

#2) The Nerd Fitness Academy – This self-paced online course has helped 50,000 people get results permanently. 

There’s a 10-level nutrition system, boss battles, 20+ workouts, and the most supportive community in the galaxy!

Join the NF Academy! One payment, lifetime access.

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so. 

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

I want to hear from you with regards to these Mental Models and how they fit into your life:

What are your questions that I didn’t address above? I’ll do my best to respond to all comments!

Which Mental Model Diet worked for you?

Which one didn’t?

Let me know in the comments below!

-Steve

PS:Make sure you check out the rest of our Sustainable Weight Loss Content:

The 5 Rules of Weight Loss

Why Can’t I Lose Weight?

How to Lose Weight and Build Muscle at the Same Time.

How to Start Eating Healthy (Without Giving up the Food You Love)

PPS: Please don’t do the Twinkie Diet.

###

Gif source: Spock, Cookie Monster, New Girl, Yes or No, Ready Cat, Stan Marsh, American Dad, Gollum, Daisy.

Photo source: clement127: Mr Banana, JonathanCohen: weightless, Reiterlied: The New Yoda, Rafael Peñaloza: Undecided, stavos: Fish soup, regolare: point brick, Jose Antonio Hidalgo Jimenez Killer Peppers….STAR WARS., clement127 In the lab

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

here’s study 1 and study 2, and study 3

hat tip to Physiqonomics who shared this video at some point in the past on his blog, which I really enjoy reading!

Actually, please don’t get mad at science.

Here’s one such list where Paleo comes in 33rd and Keto 39th out of 40 diets

Twinkie Diet – 27 lbs lost

Hell, I know a vegetarian that doesn’t eat any vegetables!

Here’s why I don’t believe the data in the China Study holds up to scrutiny.

We don’t want you becoming an underpants gnome

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[lindafrancois]

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?)

If you’re currently trying to lose weight, you might be asking yourself: “Which diet is right for me? What’s the best diet for weight loss?”

They’re great questions, both with many different variables to consider.

Today, we’ll unpack it all for you.

We focus on proper diet and nutrition extensively in our 1-on-1 Coaching Program, but we’re gonna tell you everything you need to know below too.

Want to lose weight WITHOUT hating life? Learn how we can help!

Here’s what we’ll discuss in answering “What’s the best diet to lose weight?”:

How to eat for healthy weight loss

Which diet will help me lose weight? 

Why can’t I stick to a diet?

Which diet is the most effective in weight loss? (The 80% solution)

What’s a “good enough” diet? (Steve’s 80% solution)

Will being a vegetarian (or vegan) help me lose weight?

How to pick the diet that’s right for you (Next steps)

It’s a lot to cover, but DON’T PANIC. 

We’ll get through it together using science, stories from our very own community, and one too many pop-culture references:

Let’s get started.

How to Eat For Healthy Weight Loss

Here’s exactly how to lose weight:

#1 – Eat fewer calories than you burn every day.

#2 – Want to also be healthy? Eat mostly real food.

Full stop.

Want to KEEP the weight off?

Add #3: Do those two things consistently for a decade.

This solution will get you like 90% of the way towards a killer physique and a consistently healthy checkup at the doctor.

Mix in the right training and you’ll be 99% of the way there.

The problem is that pesky things like “reality” and “genetics” and “human behavior” keep getting in the way.

It’s why everybody goes on diet after diet after diet, gaining and losing the same 10-50 lbs.

Most people can only stick with a diet for a few weeks before they’re so miserable that they can’t wait to go back to how they were eating before.

They count calories and allow themselves to eat “health food” like low-fat ice cream and low-fat chips and just two Oreos. These people are so nutritionally deficient—eating calorie-heavy, unfulfilling foods—that they struggle to stay under their allotment of calories for they day. D’oh.

To make matters worse, even if they’re counting calories, they’re probably misreporting their food and overeating without realizing it.[2]

This is why people get so dang frustrated when they go on a calorie-restricted diet, track their food, and still don’t lose weight. The only explanation must be that their bodies must have slow metabolisms.

Yes, some people can do well with calorie counting long term – and I do believe EVERYBODY should count calories for at least a week to educate themselves about the food they are eating – but I think it’s only part of a solution that has plenty of room for error.

Watch this quick video of a person who believes she has a slow metabolism[3].

It turns out the exact opposite is true. Crap.

Despite everything stacked against us, Nerd Fitness is FULL of success stories of people who have lost 100s of pounds and kept the weight off. Here are a few dramatic ones (click on the images to read their full stories):

What gives?

Nerd Fitness doesn’t just tell you what to eat. Any Google search can tell you that.

Though we help there too.

At Nerd Fitness, we’re helping you learn HOW to think about eating too.

And that’s the difference maker.

Which Diet Will Help Me Lose Weight? (Mental Models for the Win)

The Nerd Fitness community is full of ridiculously smart people. Smart people that have tried in vain to lose weight for years or decades.

It’s because we’re fighting a brutal, uphill battle.

For many of us, food is way more than just fuel:

It’s a coping mechanism.

It’s how our moms showed us love.

It’s what we turn to when we’re happy or sad.

It can provide us with a small bit of happiness during an otherwise boring day.

Add in the fact that unhealthy food has been designed in a laboratory to be so delicious that it must be consumed in mass quantities, and trying to eat “just a few” of something is nearly impossible.

Next, add a dash of “I am obsessive and if I start to track calories I’m going to drive myself insane,” “even if I track my calories I’ll probably underreport how many calories I eat by at least 20%,” and “there is so much information that this all appears so overwhelming, so it’s a lost cause.”

This is why Mental Models are so useful (hat tip to my friend Shane over at Farnam Street Blog who taught me about Mental Models). I’m gonna borrow the concept here for nutrition.

Enter a MENTAL MODEL DIET:

Paleo Diet: If a caveman didn’t eat it, neither should you. “Okay, what would a caveman eat? Probably things that grow in the ground, so vegetables and fruit, and also animals. They wouldn’t eat candy or bread or pasta or drink soda.”

Keto Diet: Keep your carb intake under 5% (or more extreme, 10 grams, for example) of your total calories so your body has to burn fat for fuel instead of carbs and sugar. “Time to learn how many carbs are in everything I eat, and start tracking.”

Slow Carb Diet: Eat legumes, protein, veggies. “Time to learn how to make food that only fits the slow carb model. At least until cheat day!”

Intermittent Fasting: Only eat between 12pm and 8pm. Occasionally do 24 hour fasts. “Okay, so I’ll just skip breakfast. That’s one less meal I have to think about.”

In each of the above options, there are a few similarities that make them such trendy/popular diet choices. 

For the sake of simplicity, we’re going to hold off on digging into the health benefits that apply to a small percentage of the population on certain diets (Keto to treat epilepsy, Paleo/Keto for Hashimoto’s Disease, identifying a gluten intolerance, etc), we’re going to focus on the reasons MOST people pick these diets.

They’re simple to comprehend and will probably help you lose weight:

#1) They all will result in you eating fewer calories (usually).

If you follow the Paleo Diet, you are eliminating some of the most calorie dense, nutritionally deficient, unhealthy foods out there. No more soda, no candy, no bread, no pasta, no sugar, no dairy.

If you follow the Keto Diet, you must track your carb intake, which means you’re going to also learn how many calories are in everything else you eat. You’re also essentially eliminating an entire macronutrient from your diet that’s notorious for keeping people overweight.

If you follow the Slow Carb Diet, you learn about which foods you can eat and which foods you can’t eat: yes to beans, no to dairy and grains. Like Paleo or Keto, you’re eliminating massively unhealthy foods from your diet, which will most likely result in weight loss.

If you do Intermittent Fasting, you’re eliminating 1/3rd of your meals for the day! Let’s say you normally ate an 800 calorie breakfast, 800 calorie lunch, and 800 calorie dinner. If you SKIP breakfast, that means you could eat larger lunches and dinners (1000 calories each) and still end up eating 400 calories less per day on average. That’s enough for 3-4 pounds of weight loss per month!

#2) You can answer “YES” or “NO” to adherence.

Sure, it would be great if you could weigh every element of food that you eat, and track each meal in a spreadsheet and KNOW you’re tracking each calorie and macronutrient correctly.

And for some people looking to get to bodybuilder levels of bodyfat, this level of perfection is required.

However, for the rest of us, working regular jobs, with kids, and lives, this shit is wayyyyy too much.

So these mental models are so damn helpful because they can simplify the overly complicated and allow us to get out of our own heads.

These Mental Model Diets require compliance and consistency. In each instance, there’s a very specific answer you can say every day, and a question you can ask yourself with each meal.

As our favorite green Jedi Master once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.”:

Paleo Diet: “Would a caveman eat this?” Yes or no.

Keto Diet: “Am I in ketosis?” Yes or no. You can even pee on strips to see if you are in ketosis.

Slow Carb Diet: “Did I only eat slow carb foods today?” Yes or no.

Intermittent Fasting: “Did I skip breakfast today? Did I stop eating after my feeding window?” Yes or no.

In each of these examples above, it removes ALLLLLLLL of the fluff, simplifies the heck out of our complex physiology and a complex problem. And it allows us to stop fooling ourselves.

With the mental models above, we have rules and a framework within which we can operate. It starts with black and white YES or NO questions we can ask.

We know what (or when) we can and can’t eat.

It’s a lot easier to fool ourselves when we are sneaking bites of cookies, having an extra roll at dinner, drinking a larger soda during a long night at work, eating some of our kid’s Halloween candy, and overeating while absentmindedly watching television.

When the rules are black and white, yes or no, there’s no place to hide.

Which means we need to get our act together if we’re going to stick with something.

We start to understand the quality and quantity of things we are putting in our pie holes. We start to dig into our relationship with food.

And in MANY cases, we start to lose some weight (again, see #1 above); this starts to make us feel better about ourselves. And we chase that feeling.

We create a positive virtuous cycle where you lose weight, get complimented, wake up not feeling like crap, look forward to exercising, and over time we become permanently changed, healthier, happier people.

In a similar vein, The Whole 30 Diet works for many people (“I only eat Whole 30 foods for the next 30 days”), but it will not result in long term changes if somebody goes back to their original unhealthy diet after the 30 days are up.

Temporary changes = temporary results.

#3) They can be done incorrectly, are tough to stick with long term, and won’t work for everybody.

Depending on our genetics, upbringing, lifestyle choices, addiction to sugar, relationship with food, what foods satiate us, etc., some of these options might work better for us than others.

As mentioned above, if ANY of the above nutritional strategies are done temporarily, they will result in temporary changes. This is how the majority of people go through life: gaining and losing the same 15-30 (or 50, or 100) pounds as they go on a diet and off a diet.

It’s a rollercoaster.

And not the good kind of rollercoaster with flips and corkscrews and probably involving Batman. It’s more like one of those rickety old wooden coasters that ruins your back.

Those rollercoasters suck, and so does putting your body through crazy weight loss extremes, up down, yes no, yo-yo.

Although these Mental Model diets can help people lose weight, they are often done for short time periods to get quick results.

And that’s only if people can actually stick with them long enough to get results! 

Let me explain.

Why Can’t I Stick to a Diet?

There are two main reasons why these diets won’t work for you.

Some of them are more strict, have more rules, and require you to be more militant in your approach.

Even if you are strict in applying the rules, you can STILL do the diets incorrectly and gain weight because of this whole concept of thermodynamics.

Don’t get mad at me. Get mad at science.[4]

MOST PEOPLE GROW FRUSTRATED BY POPULAR DIETS BECAUSE:

#1) You Can Do These Mental Model Diets Incorrectly:

Paleo: I know people who “go paleo” but eat just as many calories as they did in the past: they are eating paleo cookies, buckets of dried fruit (soooo much sugar and carbs), sweet potatoes, and so on. This person will be frustrated when they don’t lose weight.

Keto: If you go Keto but eat 5,000 calories per day, you’re gonna put on weight. Do this while sitting on your ass not doing heavy strength training, and that weight will be all fat.

Intermittent Fasting: If you do intermittent fasting but eat 2,000 calorie lunches and dinners, you’re gonna put on weight. Hell, I put on probably 30 pounds while doing IF, which was my plan.

Slow Carb: If you go slow carb but eat 6,000 calories of beans and other slow-carb worthy foods, you’re gonna gain weight (and have extreme flatulence).

#2) Sticking with these Mental Model Diets for the long haul can be tough

The Paleo Diet and the Keto diet often come up dead last when it comes to a “List of Best Diets.”[5]

Now, the people writing those lists certainly have agendas, are trying to deal with the general population, adherence, a number of other factors, and more. In addition, there just haven’t been enough long term studies on some of these newer diet strategies.

Oh, and factor in anybody that wants to get page views by taking shots and tearing down whatever becomes popular. We’ll call this the “hipster phenomenon.” I look forward to the vitriolic backlash to Keto Diets over the next 3 years.

And you never know who to trust. Coca-Cola famously used to bribe scientists to conduct studies claiming sugar was healthy.

So why the hate for diets that have changed millions of lives and will probably help you lose weight?

The reason these diets have poor compliance is because most people will abandon them within days/weeks after starting them:

If somebody is following Paleo or Keto, they’re gonna go through “carb flu” symptoms as their body has to learn to burn fat instead of carbs for fuel. Their body can revolt against this, making them miserable for days or weeks.

Many give up and go back to sweet, comforting carbs. I imagine this happens to a majority of people.

For others, they might make it past the physiological challenges but still give up on the date. They hate having to be the difficult one at barbecues, they hate weighing food or counting carbs, and find the diets too restrictive to fit into their lives.

Compliance and elimination of certain foods can be really challenging, especially for people with families, who travel for work, and aren’t in control of the lunch and dinner options.

In an EXTREME example of a Mental Model diet done for publicity, a professor went on the Twinkie Diet (he ONLY ate Twinkies) and lost 27 pounds.[6]

Disregarding the health implications of only eating Twinkies, I can’t imagine saying “this is a diet I can stick with for the next decade.”

#3) People think “All or Nothing” and quickly abandon the diet when compliance fails.

If you are somebody who is on a Keto Diet or Paleo, you have a very specific set of rules to follow. If you accidentally slip up:

Oh crap, that food had more carbs than I realized, I am now out of ketosis and my world has ended.

Oh crap, I didn’t realize this was dairy. I have now brought shame upon my paleo heritage and must atone for my sins.

Life happens. Shit happens. And with these diets, we dumb humans have this unique ability to take one tiny mistake and allow it to ruin the next decade:

“I ate a breakfast that wasn’t Paleo, today is ruined and so this month. I’ll try again next month (even though it’s only the 5th). Oh look, a pile of carbs! NOM NOM NOM.”

“I got knocked out of Ketosis, which makes me a loser that can’t stick with anything and I hate myself. What’s the point? Who cares that I was in ketosis and lost 30 pounds. I’ll try again later. Now back to my regularly scheduled program of carbs and carbs and carbs topped with carbs!”

No wonder 60+% of America is overweight! We’re surrounded by calorie-dense, nutritionally-deficient foods designed to make us overeat.

We’re also surrounded by diet plans and products that promise fast results with no effort. We sabotage ourselves by thinking “99% complaint” is a failure and thus it’s a quick slide back to “0% compliant.”

It’s for these reasons I LOVE the IDEA of the Mental Model Diets above, but know that they’re not for everybody. They’re actually not for most people.

I think they can be a valuable starting point to help somebody simplify their decision-making process and educate themselves about the food they’re eating.

These Mental Model Diets can help people identify certain nutritional deficiencies or imbalances somebody might have, or unknown allergies.

They can help people identify sugar addictions, gluten intolerances, emotional triggers for food, and other valuable information to uncover. And as previously mentioned, some of these diets even have serious health benefits for certain conditions (Keto has been used to treat epilepsy, for example).

But let’s stick with the general population and keep things simple.

For somebody that is very overweight, following one of the Mental Model Diets can be a huge boon and momentum builder. They can lose lots of weight early on, and build off this success to beget further success.

I also think long term compliance is really difficult for 95+% of the planet.

This is why the Paleo Diet isn’t for me. Nor is Keto. Or slow carb. And although I have been Intermittent Fasting for close to 5 years, I still don’t mind eating breakfast or brunch occasionally because it fits for me.

I want the solution that is pretty good. That gets me results. That fits into my reality.

This is the rough philosophy behind our 10-Level system which you can download as a free PDF when you sign up in the box below, which allows you to be damn good most of the time! Simple rules you can follow, and increase the challenge as you build momentum.

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

What Is the Most Effective Weight Loss Diet? (The 80% Solution)

You are a real person who lives in the real world and thus must deal with this thing called reality.

Sucks, I know.

We have to learn to make a Mental Model diet fit into our personal reality:

If you work in a candy store or a pastry shop, trying to go full Paleo 100% of the time is going to be impossible. You’re setting yourself up for failure, because you’re expecting your reality to be different than it is.

If you’re married to somebody who loves to cook Italian food, cutting out pasta is the first step towards divorce.

If you have kids, only keeping Keto foods will not win you any “Parent of the Year” awards. And you can kiss that “#1 Dad” mug goodbye.

If you can’t have “just one” of something, don’t fool yourself into trying to be disciplined enough to have “just one.” It’s actually why I pay extra money for small cartons of Goldfish Crackers and/or small cans of soda. It makes it easier for me to treat these things like…well, a treat and less like a staple of my diet.

You need to educate yourself about the food you eat. You need to identify the mental models that simplify your decision making process when it comes to food.

And you need to pick the level of adherence that aligns with your goals:

It’s why I wrote about how I’m “Paleo-ish” in the past. For some people, they start Paleo and settle into a “good enough” mentality that still has guardrails.

It’s why our “Beginner’s Guide to Healthy Eating” is one of our most popular articles.

It’s why over 50,000 people have joined our NF Academy with the 10-level diet stuff.

And it’s why our 1-on-1 coaching program doesn’t promote a “one diet fits all��� solution. Our coaches have our hundreds of clients track how they’re eating now and then educate them to introduce new rules and challenges from month to month!

We don’t want you to follow a diet for the next 30 days. We want you to follow a nutritional strategy that you can stick with for the next DECADE.

Which means you need a solution that accomplishes three things:

A strategy that you can follow consistently for 5+ years.

A strategy that you can track your compliance with.

If done long enough, a strategy that will help you reach your goal weight/physique.

Following a “pizza, pasta, and soda” diet might be something you can stick with for 5+ years, but it won’t make you reach your healthy weight.

If Keto will help you lose weight but you can’t stick with it for 5+ years, then “strict keto forever” probably isn’t the best strategy for you.

This is why we want rules we can follow, that help us reach our goals, that we can live with permanently.

Think of these rules like bumper lanes in bowling.

You can’t throw it in the gutter (0% compliance), but you have enough guardrails that allow you to still knock over the pins (weight loss).

THAT is the sweet spot.

What’s a “Good Enough” Diet? (Steve’s 80% Solution)

I’ve identified certain mental models and rules  that help me make sense of my day without being overly neurotic, still have fun with friends, and ALSO allow me to reach my strength training and physique goals.

Here’s my personal “80% of the time, it works every time” strategy:

#1) Skip breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast. My first feed happens after my 11am workout. Yup, sometimes I’ll eat brunch on a weekend or have a bagel/donut, but that’s rare. I love Intermittent Fasting, it works for me, and I’ll probably do this for the rest of my life.

#2) Eat real food most of the time. I know what real food is. I try to only eat real food. If you hate veggies (as I used to), here’s how I learned to love them. Yup, I still eat rice and potatoes.

#3) Know my calories. I skip breakfast, and I eat the same lunch every day, and I know the basic quantities and calories of foods I normally eat. This means I generally know how many calories I’m eating every day with minimal effort. This is done more strictly if I am targeting certain goals.

Alternatively, we can learn portion sizes like we cover in our “Healthy Eating” guide.

#4) No unnecessary liquid calories. I drink black coffee, unsweet black tea, or water. No soda. No juice (which is pretty much sugar water). I do put whole milk in my powerbomb smoothies, which I drink specifically to help me overeat on training days to build muscle. I still drink whiskey (neat) or good beer when the occasion calls for it!

#5) Never eat two unhealthy meals in a row. If I eat an unhealthy lunch (pizza and wings and beer), I either make my dinner healthy or skip dinner entirely. If I ate an unhealthy dinner, my lunch the next day is going to be healthy. I know myself, and when it comes to momentum killing, 1 bad meal is a speed bump, 2 is a brick wall.

Before I help you come up with your own rules, I want to address the elephant in the room.

Okay, now that I’ve addressed him, let’s talk about vegetarians and vegans!

Will Being a Vegetarian (Or Vegan) Help Me Lose Weight?

I actually considered including Vegetarian or Vegan mental models in the above sections, as I know we have plenty of plant-based folks in the Rebellion.

Here’s why I didn’t: neither option satisfies Rule #1 (“By following this strategy, you will most likely lose weight”). I’ll explain.

Yes, as a vegan or vegetarian, you can ask yourself: “Is this Vegan/Vegetarian? Yes or No” (Rule #2), which does make it a mental model in that respect.

However, in order for you to lose weight and be healthier on either mental model, you need to be very aware of the foods you’re eating and how many calories they have—which introduces more complexity.

Pizza, fettuccine alfredo, bowls of sugary cereal, grilled cheese sandwiches, and calorie-bomb burritos can be vegetarian.[7]

Donuts, pasta, and bread can be vegan.

Plant-based? Technically, yes. Healthy? Ehhhh.

Just like you can do Paleo or Keto incorrectly, you absolutely can be an unhealthy vegetarian or an unhealthy vegan. The same is true of going gluten-free.

Long story short: if you are thinking of going vegetarian or vegan for whatever reason (nutritional, moral, religion, this new person you’re dating is vegetarian, etc.), go for it!

It might work for you! It might not.

It might help you lose weight! It might not.

It all depends on what foods you are eating in addition to being vegan or vegetarian.

So, if going plant-based ALSO helps you educate yourself on what you’re putting in your body, if it helps you make better food decisions, and changes your relationship with food for the long term, and gets you the health/physique results you’re after, great!

KEEP DOING IT!

Just don’t fool yourself into blindly believing what you’re doing is healthy just because you cut out meat without actually analyzing what you’re replacing it with.

If you are vegan or vegetarian and planned on emailing me angry words for not including them as healthy options above, thus concludes my cover-my-ass explanation. We’re cool, right?

Also, yes. I have read the China Study. [8]

Lastly, if you are contemplating moving to a vegan or vegetarian diet, make sure you check out our massive guide “How to Eat a Plant-Based Diet: A Scientific Look at Going Vegan Safely” for tips and tricks to make it work.

How to Pick the Diet That’s Right For You (next steps)

Those are the rules I’ve picked above that fit MY reality. I adjust based on my progress from month-to-month, whether or not I’m making progress in the gym (and in the mirror!).

Here’s how you can determine the best diet for you: Throw the concept of the “perfect diet” out the window and staple this to your forehead: “The perfect diet is the diet I can actually stick with.”

Actually, don’t staple that to your forehead. It’ll be backwards when you look in the mirror and that will defeat the purpose.

Instead, do this – Be a badass scientist:

#1 – Do some research, juuuuust enough to get started[9], and pick the diet or the rules you want to start with. Pick the rules that you can live with. Then, start. Now.

Here are some sample yes/no rules to get you started outside of the mental model diets. Note the difference in challenge/healthiness – pick the ones at YOUR level:

I can’t drink more than 5 sodas per week (instead of my normal 10). It’s up to me when I drink them.

I don’t eat fast food Monday through Friday.

I eat a vegetable with every lunch and dinner.

Once per week I’ll do a 24-hour fast.

I don’t drink alcohol on Sunday afternoon through Friday afternoon. Other than that, all bets are off.

#2 – Track your adherence to the diet or rules. It can be very simple (“Yes I was compliant today”/“No I wasn’t”). A spreadsheet, a calendar where you write X’s on the days where you were compliant, an app, a friend you check in with, etc. Your rules can be “Only drink 5 sodas this week,” “eat two vegetables per day,” or “eat under X amount of carbs.” Pick rules that line up with your life.

#3 – Track your progress, assess your strategy. Compare photos, measurements, and/or lifts in the gym at the end of the month. Are you better off than you were 30 days ago? Do you feel like you can stick with the rules for another few months? Were you able to stick to the plan more than 80-90% of the time?

#4) Stay the course, or course-correct:

Compliant with your rules and you lost weight? Great! Do it again for another month.

Couldn’t stick with your rules? Great! Adjust your rules to be less rigid so you’re more likely to stick with them.

Stuck with your rules but didn’t lose any weight? Great! You identified that your rules weren’t aligned with your goals. Adjust them.

#5) Repeat! Forgive yourself if you don’t succeed (each month is a new experiment). Even “failure” gives you information on what diets DON’T work for your situation.

You will need to follow these 5 steps every month for the rest of your life, so better get used it.

That’s what we call “life.”

Because life IS change and chaos.

Success comes from learning to navigate through the muck!

Your body will change in the coming years, and so will your rules. You might get pregnant or go through menopause. You might get an injury or change jobs or discover a food allergy. You might have kids or move cross country or go on vacation.

Each month, do a quick evaluation of where you are. Decide if you need to stay the course or make adjustments.

Do this consistently, and you’ll eventually arrive at the perfect diet FOR YOU. You are a unique snowflake in an environment and situation that is unique to you.

So again, I do not follow a paleo lifestyle. I don’t even recommend Paleo as the option that’s best for everybody.

What I recommend is treating life like an experiment, and using the resources and community here at Nerd Fitness to identify the rules and strategy that works for YOUR reality.

The Mental Models of Paleo, Keto, Slow Carb, Intermittent Fasting, Vegan, Vegetarian, or other eating models may be able to help you get started, and MIGHT even get you results!

But it’s gotta fit your life and ultimately be sustainable to have any real chance at long-term success.

So I recommend that YOU take control over finding the perfect diet for YOU.

Pick a mental model and incorporate it into your life. Lean on your friends or this community for support. Learn from people who have succeeded in the way you want to succeed. Track your compliance and progress. AND KEEP EVOLVING.

This is why I started Nerd Fitness: to help people cut through the crap and start to make progress that can stick even as the rest of their life goes through change.

If you’re somebody who is super overwhelmed or has struggled with yo-yo dieting for years, you’re not alone! This stuff is tough, and finding a way to navigate a constantly changing, chaotic life while following brutally strict rules ain’t easy.

This is why we created three different paths forward. The next step so you determine the “right diet for me.”

Pick the option that best aligns with your goals:

#1) Our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program: a coaching program for busy people to help them make better food choices, stay accountable, and get healthier, permanently.

You can schedule a free call with our team so we can get to know you and see if our coaching program is right for you. Just click on the image below for more details:

Our coaching program changes lives. Learn more here!

#2) The Nerd Fitness Academy – This self-paced online course has helped 50,000 people get results permanently. 

There’s a 10-level nutrition system, boss battles, 20+ workouts, and the most supportive community in the galaxy!

Join the NF Academy! One payment, lifetime access.

#3) Join The Rebellion! We have a free email newsletter that we send out twice per week, full of tips and tricks to help you get healthy, get strong, and have fun doing so. 

I’ll also send you tons of free guides that you can use to start leveling up your life too:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

I want to hear from you with regards to these Mental Models and how they fit into your life:

What are your questions that I didn’t address above? I’ll do my best to respond to all comments!

Which Mental Model Diet worked for you?

Which one didn’t?

Let me know in the comments below!

-Steve

PS:Make sure you check out the rest of our Sustainable Weight Loss Content:

The 5 Rules of Weight Loss

Why Can’t I Lose Weight?

How to Lose Weight and Build Muscle at the Same Time.

How to Start Eating Healthy (Without Giving up the Food You Love)

PPS: Please don’t do the Twinkie Diet.

###

Gif source: Spock, Cookie Monster, New Girl, Yes or No, Ready Cat, Stan Marsh, American Dad, Gollum, Daisy.

Photo source: clement127: Mr Banana, JonathanCohen: weightless, Reiterlied: The New Yoda, Rafael Peñaloza: Undecided, stavos: Fish soup, regolare: point brick, Jose Antonio Hidalgo Jimenez Killer Peppers….STAR WARS., clement127 In the lab

Footnotes    ( returns to text)

here’s study 1 and study 2, and study 3

hat tip to Physiqonomics who shared this video at some point in the past on his blog, which I really enjoy reading!

Actually, please don’t get mad at science.

Here’s one such list where Paleo comes in 33rd and Keto 39th out of 40 diets

Twinkie Diet – 27 lbs lost

Hell, I know a vegetarian that doesn’t eat any vegetables!

Here’s why I don’t believe the data in the China Study holds up to scrutiny.

We don’t want you becoming an underpants gnome

What’s the Best Diet to Lose Weight? (Which Diet is Right for Me?) published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/