#I mean what he needs is a therapist but that’s a whole nother thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cjsinkythoughts · 3 years

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Rocks, Shoulders, and Ears

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 3501

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Major Angst in this one, guys, Loads of Feels (sorry not sorry), John Walker being a douche (I really don’t like the guy)

A/N: I’m SO SORRY! I promise I was planning on it being shorter, but I went a little overkill with the angst! There’s just so many feelings and not enough space in my heart and soul, so I had to pour them out here! You get to see more of Reader and Sam’s relationship in this one and there’s major Bucky Feels towards the end (in my defense, this is based on the Couples Therapy half of the episode).

I’m really hoping we get to see Bucky go to Louisiana next episode! I’m holding out for it! I have a few ideas that include Sarah, but I need the episode! Ugh! Now we have to wait a whole ‘nother week! I really shouldn’t write three chapters on one episode in one day. I just couldn’t help myself!

Anyways! Please enjoy this part and thank you so much for all your support! Seriously, it’s meant so much to me, especially after the week I’ve had! If you haven’t checked out the previous parts, my FATWS Series Masterlist is HERE, so please go read those first. Like always, this isn’t beta’d so please excuse any mistakes! Enjoy, babes!

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

The last thing you remembered was falling asleep in Bucky’s arms after walking a few miles. And a hospital in DC wasn’t exactly what you preferred waking up to, but it’s what happened. Turned out, not only was your shoulder dislocated and your thigh was strained, but you had a mild concussion. Your arm was in a sling and your palm, which you had completely forgotten about after you wrapped it while on Bucky’s back, was wrapped properly. Luckily, your thigh wasn’t too bad, but they wanted to put you on crutches, which you refused immediately.

You had to get out of that building. You had no idea where the guys went, which was weird because you were sure they’d never leave you alone. Especially in a hospital.

You quickly snuck your way through the halls after grabbing your bag which - thank God - was left on the seat besides your bed and changing into an extra pair of clothes.

You tried calling Bucky’s phone, the one he had specifically for you, which he always always answered. He even made an excuse to go to the bathroom once when you accidentally called in the middle of a therapy session. Nothing. You called the number four times before trying Sam’s phone.

It clicked on the first try.

“Hey. Listen, sorry for leaving-”

“Where the hell are you?”

You heard him sigh. “I was just about to explain, so hang on a second there. You weren’t waking up, probably because that concussion you forgot to mention to us-”

“In my defense, I didn’t know.”

“Sure you didn’t.” You rolled your eyes, throwing your free hand up, exasperated. “Anyways, Bucky wanted me to meet someone, we’ll talk about that when you inevitably get here, put we had a bit of trouble and Bucky was arrested-”

“What?!”

“Chill your pants, Y/L/N. Just listen. We’re in Baltimore. I’ll text you the address. Get here soon and I’ll explain the whole thing. We’ve been here for a couple hours, but there’s people on their way and we’re getting everything situated right now.”

“Okay. Fine. But you’re in trouble.”

“Don’t I know it, babe. Now hurry your cute little ass here. We’ve got stuff to talk about.”

*****************

The ride from DC to Baltimore is usually an hour or so, but you’ve got resources, especially in the nation’s capital, and riding the bike you got, being able to go way over the speed limit? You got there in half the time. Being an Avenger really does have its perks.

The moment you got there, you hopped off the bike, not even bothering to turn it off, and stormed into the precinct. You headed straight over to the desk, but a pair of hands caught you by your uninjured arm before you could make a scene.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Sam spoke softly, squeezing your bicep gently. “He’s okay, alright?”

“Why is he-”

“He missed his court-mandated therapy session.” Sam informed you, pulling you over to where he had been sitting previously. “There was a warrant out for his arrest. They had to bring him in, but it’s fine. His therapist’s been contacted. She should be here any minute to get him out.”

Your head fell back at his words. His therapy. How could you forget? You let Bucky complain to you about it and played along sometimes, but you really did think it was good for him and you tried supporting him. Yet you made him miss it and now he’s in trouble.

“Hey. Y/N. Look at me.” You found Sam’s worried eyes, his hand coming up to hold the side of your neck. “He’s okay. He’ll be out in just a bit. It’s fine.”

“It’s my fault, Sam.”

“No. It’s not. He’s a grown ass man who made the decision to skip.”

You shook your head, holding his wrist for something to anchor you down. “No, Sammy. I brought him along. I should’ve been more responsible-”

“I know we’ve joked around about you being in charge and stuff, but…you know it’s not all on your shoulders, right?” Sam tilted his head slightly, eyebrow pinched in confusion making his eyes narrow.

You turned your head, not wanting to look at him. You didn’t need another set of deep eyes to fall into. “Sammy…I promised him I’d look after you.”

“I know. And that’s fine. But looking after us - looking after him - doesn’t mean you have to be there to hold his hand and take the fall for him. He’s not a child. Hell, he’s a hundred years old. Tell me you understand that.”

Licking your lips, you closed your eyes and shook your head again. “I-I can’t-”

“Is that why you’re obsessed with finding Wanda?”

You frowned at his question, eyes snapping to his. “I’m worried about her, Sam.”

“I am too, but she can handle herself. And if she doesn’t want to be found, you have to let her be. I know the Avengers were your only family. I know how much Steve meant to you-”

“No.” You pulled away rather harshly, digging your nails into your palms, trying not to cry, ignoring the wound you were irritating. “No, you don’t. How could you understand my feelings for Steve when I don’t understand them myself?”

Sam always had this ability to make anyone feel important, just by looking them in the eye. It was something you always admired about him; the way his smile could light up a room, those warm eyes making everyone’s fears go away. They reminded you of hot chocolate. Something that could soothe your worries, comfort you, warm your very soul from the ice tragedy and heartache tend to big on.

You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry in front of people, but with the way he was looking at you, it was hard to keep the tears from slipping.

“You loved him, Y/N. Why is it so hard for you to see that?”

“I didn’t - I wasn’t in love with him, Sam.” You argued, wiping your cheeks aggressively and turning, crossing your arms defensively.

“What do you call it then?”

It was a rhetorical question, Sam copying your movements and sitting straight to watch for Bucky coming out. A rhetorical question that you didn’t know the answer to. Because you weren’t in love with Steve. No. Maybe you had been, but somewhere along the way he passed your heart to Bucky. So why did it hurt so bad?

You refused to dwell on it anymore, clearing your throat and dabbing at your eyes one more time before changing the topic. “Why are we in Baltimore?”

“Bucky wanted me to meet someone. Isaiah. You know him?” Sam turned back to you, his warm eyes shifting into something else. Suspicion? A bit of anger? Annoyance? You couldn’t tell.

“Isaiah? I don’t think I know any Isaiahs. And definitely not here. Why? Who is he?”

Sam shook his head, eyes darting around the lobby. “We’ll talk about it later.”

You nodded, although now your curiosity had peaked and you wondered who this guy was that made Sam so agitated. While you waited, you felt your eyes drooping and you let your head fall onto Sam’s shoulder, who chuckled.

“You’re still tired? You know you slept for, like, twelve hours, right?”

“I haven’t been sleeping much.”

Sam turned his head to kiss yours. “Y/N, I know you want to care for everyone, but you’ve gotta take care of yourself too.”

“I know.”

“Okay.” And with that, the subject dropped, Sam pulling out his phone while you rested your eyes.

It was another ten minutes or so before Sam’s name was called and the both of you stood up to greet the speaker. A woman, Dr. Raynor. Bucky’s infamous therapist.

And speaking of infamous. The moment you heard his voice, you squeezed your eyes shut, hoping it was just your brain malfunctioning. And then he was walking towards you, calling Bucky ‘Bucky’ like they were old pals and he was saving him from something terrible.

Your face scrunched up as Walker talked about stopping Bucky’s regular therapy sessions. “He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up-”

“Don’t call him an asset.” You snapped. “He’s a human being with needs, and therapy-”

“He’s a super soldier with skills that we need.” Walker cut in, making you scowl as he turned back to Raynor.

You scoffed in disbelief at his words, turning on your heel and walking away before he did, heading straight for Bucky, who lifted his right arm, wrapping it around your shoulders once you were close enough.

“Are you okay?” You whispered, closing your eyes and trying to relax in his hold, breathing him in.

“Are you? Should you be walking? What did-”

You shook your head. “I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“Promise.” You sighed out with a nod, squeezing him once more before pulling back as Raynor stepped forwards, ordering Bucky and Sam to do a session with her. You almost laughed when Sam tried refusing, a little chuckle actually leaving your lips when Bucky slumped, dragging his feet like a kid going to the principal’s office.

You followed, Bucky holding the door open for you. “Thanks, Buck.”

“Of course, doll.” He gave a small smile, before walking in after you, Sam letting out a, “hey!” when Bucky shut the door on him, making you roll your eyes. You let the corners of your mouth tick up slightly in amusement. Yes, they annoyed the hell out of you, but you had to admit it was pretty funny sometimes.

“I believe I asked for James and Sam, Ms. Y/L/N.”

“It’s Agent, actually, and I think I’m gonna sit in.”

Raynor narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think-”

“That wasn’t a request.” You threw her words to Sam back at her, making Sam smirk. You shot him a wink as she relented with a sigh.

“Fine. Just as a spectator. Don't interrupt.”

You raise your hands in surrender, slipping around the table to stand in the corner as your fellas sank down into the seats across the table from her.

A small puff of laughter came from you at the lack of response when she asked one of them to start. She shot you a warning look over her shoulder, but you shrugged. You couldn’t help it; it was like all those times back in grade school when a teacher asked for a volunteer to read in a classroom full of rowdy kids and crickets followed.

Once she mentioned the next exercise was used for couples, you had to laugh, making both men shoot you begging pouts.

“Y/N.” Raynor glared at you, so you controlled yourself, gesturing for her to continue.

Her miracle question did work so well, neither of them cooperating well.

She didn’t even bother with you when you started cackling after she mentioned the “soul-gazing exercise” and Bucky thanked her, Sam commenting that he would like this one. You gave a teasing wolf-whistle when they got close, one of Bucky’s thighs between Sam’s and vice versa.

“Doll.” Bucky whined at you.

“Listen here, smartass-”

Raynor cleared her throat, cutting Sam off from finishing his statement towards you. You leaned back against the wall, crossing your arms with a smirk. After all the bickering and side taking they’ve put her through, letting you enjoy this was the least they could do, and they knew it.

Of course, this exercise didn’t work out either. A staring contest. Children. She was best friends with literal children.

But then something happened. Something you never thought would happen. Raynor asked Bucky why Sam aggravated him, and Bucky looked over to you, his eye growing sad in a way they only did when Steve was involved.

“Steve believed in you.” Bucky told him earnestly. “He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield? That is…that is everything he stood for. That is his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing. So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, he was wrong about me.”

You heard his voice crack a little at the end as he slumped down in his seat, you jaw dropping slightly. You listened to the rest of the conversation, catching the way Sam grew irritated again, something that you didn’t previously think was possible, but was happening more and more now.

Why wasn’t Sam talking to you? Why was he holding all this in suddenly? And why…Bucky…he didn’t tell you that. Why didn’t he say anything? How could he ever feel…

But you knew how he could feel like that. Yes, Steve believed in him so much that he tore the Avengers apart for him…but he was the only one willing to do that for him. Yeah, you and Sam and Wanda and Clint, you all joined their side but, being honest, it wasn’t because you believed in Bucky. It was because you believed in Steve. Of course, it was different now. You believed in Bucky with your entire being, and you believed in Sam with your heart and soul, but…did either of them know that? Did they believe you when you told them? Or did you not tell them enough? This whole time you thought you were doing right by Steve - trying you damn hardest to watch out for them. But it obviously wasn’t enough. And that was on you, no matter what Sam said.

You read people. That’s what you’ve always done, that’s what you’d always do. It was the reason you earned your spot on the team. You read people and situations and could figure your way into their heads in a second. Years and years of undercover work taught you how to do that and how to protect yourself while doing so.

So why? How? How did you miss something this big? How did you miss the way Sam was holding onto something? Why did you ignore the vexation in his tone for the last couple weeks? How did you miss that Bucky was hurting that deeply? Why didn’t you do anything more for him?

You left the room before either of the boys, but you heard Sam standing up as you walked out the door.

You should’ve known you weren’t the only one holding things in. Of course they were. The difference is, you were supposed to be their rock, the thing they could hold onto to ground themselves, the shoulder for them to cry on, and the ear lent to them whenever they needed someone to listen. That was your job. It wasn’t their job. Not for you. Your rock - your shoulder, your ear - he left you. And you thought, after all he did for you, if you just returned the favor for his best friends, you’d…you dunno. You’d be closer to him, maybe.

But you couldn’t. Because you weren’t Steve Rogers. And you knew that from the start, but you had to try. You tried. And it wasn’t working. He made it seem so easy when he did it for you. Clearly you didn’t give him enough credit for dealing with all your shit on top of his own.

“Doll.” You didn’t stop walking, needing to get outside for some fresh air. “Doll, hold on. Wait a minute.”

He grabbed your arm as you made it outside, spinning you to face him. “You didn’t tell me.” You spoke quietly, your voice fragile as you stared at him, confusion and hurt in your eyes. Were you really that bad at doing your job? Did you really already fail him? He asked you to do one thing…

“I didn’t…I didn’t want you to deal with my problems.” You opened your mouth, but he shook his head, holding your face between his hands. “I’m not stupid, Y/N. I know something’s going on with you. You’re good at hiding your nightmares at night, but I’m better. You’re jumpier than usual. Quieter. Every time Wanda’s brought up, you turn away. And the other day? On the truck? You froze. I was watching, doll. It was just a second, but you froze. You never freeze.”

“It’s not your job to worry about me, Buck-”

He frowned, tilting his head. “Not my job? Aren’t we friends? Isn’t that what friends do? Or am I just a job to you? I know you promised him to look after me. Is that all I am to you? A responsibility?”

You shook your head vigorously, holding onto his wrists. “No. No, Bucky, I just-”

“Do you think he was wrong about me?”

Salty diamonds ran down your cheeks as you clenched your eyes shut and shook your head. “No.”

“Did you ever believe in me? Did you ever care or was it all just because Steve? Is Steve the only reason you tolerate me?”

“Don’t say that. God, please don’t say that.” You begged quietly, meeting his gaze again. Every beautiful detail was laced with devastation, eyes imploring her to make him feel better. “Of course I believe in you. I have since Wakanda, you know that. Yes, okay, maybe Steve is why I helped you at first, but-but…I care about you, James. So much so that it hurts sometimes. He wasn’t wrong about you. Or Sammy. You both mean so much to me. Okay?”

You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly, nodding slightly. You both simultaneously moved to get closer, him pulling you while you stepped into his chest, arms around his waist. His arms were tight around your shoulder, holding you just as firm as the kiss he planted on your forehead.

Sam came out, planting himself besides you as you pulled away, Bucky wiping your eyes. “I feel better.” He huffed out sarcastically, making you smack him in the arm. “Ow! Yeesh. Women these days.”

The sudden siren of one of the parked police cars made the three of you look over, spotting Walker and Hoskins. You groaned. “Did he see that?”

“Hey,” Bucky caught your jaw between his fingers, shaking his head. “Who cares? It’s between us and us only. Right?” You nodded, making him kiss your forehead again, a whisper of “attagirl” against your skin. You hadn’t heard that from him in a while.

“Gentlemen!” Walker waved them over, nodding at you. “And lady.” The three of you reluctantly walked over, Bucky going to lean on the police car Walker and Hoskins were near and you hopped up to sit on the hood of the police car across from them, Sam besides you.

You got information from Walker, who was once again trying to get you to work with him, but Sam summed it up nicely, explaining that the three of you didn’t have to follow the rules he did. You started to leave, Bucky tucking you under his arms once you slid off the car, when Walker stopped you once more.

“A word of advice, then. Stay the hell out of my way.”

You grumbled under your breath as the faker and his lapdog walked off. “I’m gonna kill him.” You vowed as the three of you started in the other direction. “I swear to God, I’m gonna rip that shield off his back and use it to beat him in that stupid face of his-”

“Down, girl.” Sam jested, flicking your ear. “We need a game plan. What’re we thinking?”

Your eyes narrowed as Bucky piped up, talking about the Isaiah character - who you still didn’t know - before HYDRA entered the equation.

“Absolutely not.” You shook your head, tugging his arm to make him stop once he mentioned Siberia. “Do you remember Siberia? Because if you’re actually suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, we remember Siberia very differently.”

“He’s our best bet-”

“So you’re just going to go sit in a room with this guy?”

Bucky scrunched up his nose. “Ye-yes…”

A beat of silence passed before Sam gave his stamp of approval, but you still disagreed. “There’s no way this’ll end well and I refuse to let you-”

You found your face between Bucky’s hands again. You really wished he’d stop doing that and just ask for your attention. You didn’t mean that, of course. You’d be held by him every second of every day if you could. “Don’t you trust me, doll?”

You licked your lips, looking around the darkened street. This was not a good idea. A bad plan - a terrible plan, really - but, unfortunately, it was the only one you had. “Dammit. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.” You finally sighed, running a hand through your hair after Bucky let go of you, his eyebrow quirking.

“Is that a yes?”

Sam nodded. “We’re gonna go see Zemo.”

You tugged Bucky’s hand when he nodded back and went to walk after Sam, who started walking around the corner, making him stop. “And yes. I do trust you. With everything I have, Buckaroo.”

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vydante · 4 years

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Restart | Avengers x Male! Reader | 11

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Avengers x Male! Reader (romantically: multiple)

Plot: Dr. Strange said there was only one possibility of winning the battle against Thanos.

But when (Name) is forced into the past and into his younger body, he’s suddenly given the chance to start over and prevent the future from happening again.

So which route are you going to take? Are you going to risk the future and take preventative measures, or live life with the Avengers for the next 4 years, knowing what will soon come?

A/N: Different format this time, taken like a video log, though it’s mostly dialogue.

[Action: enter folder titled ‘Project Renaissance’.]

...

[Enter Password: |]

[Enter Password: 1R0NM4NSU|]

[Enter Password: 1R0NM4NSUXXAP3XRUL35 |]

[Action: enter.]

...

[Password Accepted.]

[Accessing…]

[Enter folder name.]

[Action: “video logs”.]

[Searching…]

[Folder ‘Video Logs’ found. Would you like to play from the beginning?]

[Action: “Yes.”]

...

[Playing… “uh i don’t know name it whatever you want”, date created: 10-23-2013.]

...

“Is this thing on? Hello? Hell-o?”

The video feed shows your lone figure in your lab. It’s dark outside as the timestamp in the corner indicates that it’s half past midnight. You’re sitting directly in front of the camera, dressed in pajamas but no signs of fatigue anywhere.

You visibly huff, but only mirth flickers through your eyes as you look directly into the camera. It doesn’t last long as your eyes travel over to the camera feed and now you’re just looking at yourself as you begin to talk.

“Alright, so uh. Yadda yadda yadda, I planned to manually enter and type all of this out, but… I thought why not record it all in a log along the way? Fun, huh?”

You trail off on that thought, mumbling something about ‘well, that’s what my therapist said, anyways. Ah, wait, I don’t have her yet… mm, should probably look into that…’.

“Anyways, this is day one of Project Renaissance, or as it’s also known as, Project Get-Our-Shit-Together-Before-We-Get-Our-Lives-Rocked-By-Thanos.”

You shrug nonchalantly, but to the keenest of eyes, there was a stiffness in your posture when you mentioned Thanos. It was brief, but present nonetheless as it quickly dissipates from your shoulders.

“And, we don’t have to worry about any of this being leaked or whatever, because this is all on my sweet DAHLIA’s servers! Say something to the camera.”

“Something to the camera,” a dull female voice spoke up from the ceiling, Australian accent thick.

“Charming,” you purse your lips as if to hold back a smile, “Anyways, where was I…”

“Oh, yeah- Renaissance. So this is gonna be a long, long project with a bunch of other mini-folders inside.”

You swiped your hands across the air, slicing through as blue holograms appeared in front of the camera. There were already dozens of folders, but the camera catches only a few of their names.

‘Firecracker’, ‘Thunderpants’, and ‘Accords’ are some that are visible.

“I just wanted to get on base with what we have so far, but it’s not much considering it’s, y’know, only day one.”

You mumble something incoherent away from the camera before gazing back up on the camera feed, not quite looking directly into the camera itself. To the left of you, there’s a hologram of a checklist that you occasionally glance through as you resume speaking.

“Main objective of this project: prevent Thanos from decimating half of the universe, preferably killing him in the process. Side objectives: keep the Avengers together, current members optional, new members in need nonetheless. Contenders in another file.”

You glance at the checklist.

“Current objective: locate and capture Barnes, codename Winter Soldier, and any other Winter Soldiers, and sift through S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database for traces of HYDRA.”

“Sidenote: we, ah, started the search yesterday- for Barnes. So far, it’s… Not really promising. I, uh, initially gave the timeline to find Barnes a few days max, but man, I’m starting to doubt that…”

You sigh, scratching at your arm irritably.

“Whatever…” you mumbled.

“Anyways.”

“I, ah, I don’t know for sure what I want to do with Barnes, but considering that I’ll probably have more than ample time to think about it, I’m not worrying about it too much. As for his triggers…”

You glanced at an adjacent folder, almost contemplating.

“I know of one person who can help, but I’m not exactly putting too much hope for that one. So.”

“We might have to resort to B.A.R.F. when it’s ready. DAHLIA, who- who was on that case again?”

“Mr. Quentin Beck and his team, doll.”

“Ah, yeah, Beck. Cute, tall, big ole’ eyes?”

An image hologram pops up in front of you, presumably of Quentin Beck.

“I don’t know about ‘cute’, but in essence? Yep.”

You ignored DAHLIA’s apparent judgment in your taste in men.

“Gotcha. Well, there’s that we can resort to if need be. Um…”

“Well, as for HYDRA, that’s… That’s a whole ‘nother can of worms right there.”

You sighed, and this is the first inkling of exhaustion you’ve shown so far. You deflate a little bit and spend the next few minutes staring at something behind the monitor in silence. You’re deep in thought before your phone buzzes.

Then, the video feed cuts off.

…

[Video end. Selecting next in queue…]

[Playing… “okay don’t do that weird thing where you record everything i say and make it the title, please dahlia anyways uh i wanna name it uh huh um shit dahlia i swear to god stop doing that”, date created: 11-02-2013.]

…

“Wow, alright, I was watching the last log last night and man did I literally got nothing done. I mean, it was the first day, but still! Still, I fucking…”

Your voice trails off as you walk away from the screen, holding what appears to be a big box filled with papers and envelopes. You set it down in the far corner of the lab, still talking but your words are unintelligible as the microphone is too far to hear anything.

“... And yet here I am, just- ugh!”

You dropped your body onto the chair and plopped right in front of the screen. Your hair is disheveled, undersuit still on. There’s a bruise forming on your forehead, but you don’t really seem to care about your messy appearance.

You pointed a lazy finger towards the corner, a small grin as you try to line it up with the camera feed.

“That’s fanmail- apparently someone has been neglecting to read those… It’s me, I’m someone.”

You chuckle to yourself.

“Mm, I’ll read myself to sleep later, probably hang all of it up on a mural wall somewhere. Or the ceiling, that works too. Anyways. Just went on a, shall I say, self-imposed mission. It was, ah, to look for Barnes.”

You sheepishly smiled.

“‘Was followin’ a lead from DAHLIA, a potential hit marker, but- it was just a- a barely running base. Nothin’ new, but- it’s nice. To fly and- and fight in the suit every now and then.”

You shake your head.

“Not the- the current one. The nanite one. It’s- god, I miss it, you know?”

Your eyes glaze over, a faraway glint in your eyes as you paused your ranting. This goes on for about 24 more seconds before you started talking again, voice smaller.

“I did this thing, with dad. After the whole, um, Accords bullshit. He- we would get into our suits- the newer models, and just… Go at each other. No repulsors, no nothing. Just raw, brutal punches in the suit. No holding back, no making sure the other one’s okay after a good blow… Just… We just hailed on each other, you know?”

“I mean, obviously we weren’t trying to kill each other, but sometimes it… It felt close, y’know? Nothing personal, but… It was primal, sometimes. Sometimes he’d knock my jaw a little too loose and all I’d ever see would be red… It was wild, I’ll tell you that.”

“But- we only did it here and there, considerin’, y’know. He’s-... He was getting older, and I was… getting busier.” You sighed. “No one knew about it either; god knows how Rhodey or ma’ would react to us- just- beating the shit out of each other.”

You smiled, though it looked more like a grimace.

“It was fun, though. Get the frustrations out. Work on our weaknesses. Show no hesitation. It’s…”

There’s a sudden hollowness in your eyes as your face shifts, an expression years older than you were currently. Haunted, almost. You shake your head, whatever traces of your former self now gone as you smiled- though, there was nothing genuine to that smile at all.

“... Not important. Anyways.”

You shifted in your seat, clearly uncomfortable at the stagnant air despite being the only one in the room.

“So yeah. HYDRA. I took out everyone at that base. Nothing left. Downloaded whatever they had, wiped it, then burnt it to a crisp. The usual, nothing new, nothing important…”

You shrugged, “It’s harder to get the Avengers to look the other way when I’m doing these solo missions. I’m pretty sure Natasha’s getting sus about this… Nothing tied to me, but. Still.”

“But yeah, DAHLIA’s sifting through the information right now.”

Your eyes shift to the left, presumably a screen with said findings loading in.

“So-o... There was… There was that.”

You paused, trying to gather your thoughts when your eyes flickered.

“Ah- but to continue to the last log; HYDRA… Man. HYDRA, HYDRA, HYDRA. Always a pain in the ass.”

You scowled.

“I thought it was gonna take me a little longer to sift through the S.H.I.E.L.D. database, but surprisingly enough, it was… Kind of easy to sort out HYDRA and Not-HYDRA.”

You scratched your head in confusion.

“Back a couple of years ago- or, well, in… Next year, actually. June? Well- Team Cap is gonna go haywire on S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA and Project Insight and basically dump all that good-good, and we,” you noted with an oddly bitter tone, “were left to clean up the mess they made. And, well, it exposed a lot of active field agents. Shit, man.”

You scrubbed your face with your hands, which were marred with fresh scratches and burn marks. It’s unclear where they came from, but you don’t seem bothered by it.

“So many agents were killed in that stunt. God…”

Your voice is muffled, but still audible.

“There was one agent… Codename Acai. Sweet gal, ‘cording to her co-workers. Little unhinged, but she got the work done. She… She was undercover in North Korea for a few years. Got busted by the data dump. And…”

“God, they just…”

You sighed gruffly, refusing to look anywhere near the camera.

“It was rough, finding her body. Kept looking for her even months after the whole Ultron bullshit. By the time we got to her, it took us months to I.D. her body- even worse? North Korea already had her death listed as suicide under her fake name. Bullshit! Parts of her was missin’, how the fuck is that a suicide?! Both feet, gone. Her sternum was nowhere to be found. How- I just…!”

You gritted your teeth.

“I just don’t understand what they were thinking when they pulled that dumbass stunt to release all of that- that sensitive data…! I thought- oh, maybe, maybe, HYDRA had already corrupted a large part of S.H.I.E.L.D., that’s why they did it!”

“But no! No- do you know how much of S.H.I.E.L.D. was infected? How much?!”

You pinched your fingers together and squinted at the camera with a visceral smile.

“6 percent. That 6 percent accounted for a majority of the higher-ups. Not lower field combatants. Not the technicians. The higher-ups.”

“6 percent of S.H.I.E.L.D. was HYDRA,” you hissed, “yet they still endangered the other 94% active and non-active members! Fuck- it was a miracle! A miracle, that we got to any of the agent’s family that had been documented before HYDRA or anyone else could!”

“It’s a miracle that the Bartons even made it- and we didn’t even know about them until Ultron! It’s just-... Fuck!”

Growling, you knocked your head against the metal table in front of you. The camera shakes a little bit.

“God, Romanoff, what the fuck were you thinkin’? You were supposed to keep them in check, not… Not be so goddamn stupid!”

You growled under your breath, taking a moment to breathe. You lifted your head up with a neutral face and exhaled.

“Whatever. What’s done is done. I’ve- I’ve had years to simmer over it and I’m- I’m not. Angry. I swear I’m not. It’s done, it happened. But. Hopefully in this timeline… It won’t happen. Not like that, at least.”

There was a peculiar glint in your eyes as you started reaching into one of your cabinets.

“And I know just how to stop it.”

You raised your eyebrows with your eyes closed, reluctant to repeat what you had already said.

“Again, sifted through S.H.I.E.L.D. for HYDRA. Got the information. And it is all. In. Here.”

You pulled back up to reveal a small black USB flash drive. There’s nothing of interest to it on the outside, but it’s what’s inside that really, really counted.

“This bad boy has all the shit that HYDRA’s been skeemin’ all up in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s system. I- well.”

“I actually have 2 of these, but, ah. One’s already on the way to ole’ Saint Nick.”

You brushed a hand through your hair. It’s grown quite a bit and in need of trimming.

“Because if there’s one thing I know for sure about S.H.I.E.L.D.? Nick ain’t apart of HYDRA, no matter how much of a scumbag he is. And, really… I’d like to think I trust him to handle this situation properly- more so than anyone else but me and my dad. Obviously, dad can’t- he can’t ever know about… About this.”

Despite referring to the USB in your hands, your words were heavy nonetheless. It wasn’t just the flash drive you were referring to.

“So Fury’s getting the other bad boy. Worth millions, and 2 of a kind, too.”

“Well, I sent it to the bastard. Hopefully, he doesn’t trash it, or whatever. Soon.”

You hummed. Setting the USB down on the table, you made direct eye contact with the camera and posed with pouty lips. You threw up a peace sign ironically and grinned.

“Well, that’s that. Oh, and Clint vomited on Steve’s clothes yesterday. Not important, but funny nonetheless. Deuces!”

…

[Video end. Selecting next in queue…]

[Playing… “dahlia we don’t have the fucking time for this get the damn suit”, date created: 11-29-2013.]

…

“Hi.”

You’re still in your school clothes that day, a simple sweater and sweatpants. Your letterman is hanging on the back of your seat for going to the robotics competitions your school had.

The timestamp also indicates that you had just gotten out of school too- though, it is considerably dark outside. Snowing that day, most likely. And still is, probably.

“So, uh. Fury got the message, I think.”

You spun around in your chair, knees up to your chest.

“Usually we’re getting harassed by him every now and then to do missions, but Natasha just came home yesterday sayin’, like. ‘Fury’s put my mission on hold’, or something.”

“He doesn’t know I sent it to him, I think. But. Thing’s’re getting pret-ty serious now, huh.”

You shrugged.

“Well, whatever. I didn’t come here to talk about Fury, though. I came here to update on, ah, a few things.”

“I know I haven’t touched base with- well, you,” You gave the camera a saucy wink, “about a lot of my projects so far. So, here are a few that I’ve been thinking of implementing.”

A picture is pulled up from your desktop. It’s an aerial shot of a brunet talking to his friend, both of a juvenile appearance. There’s another picture, a 3D generated image of a red and blue suit.

“So. Peter Parker.”

Sigh.

“I… really, really, really don’t want him to be involved in any of this. No superhero bullshit, no nothing.”

“He’s young. He doesn’t- doesn’t need to be involved with this mess. I just… I just want him to have a normal life.”

‘One I never got to have; one he’ll never get to have,’ goes unsaid, but you continued on.

“But… By my reasoning, I am… Hypocritical in my justification.”

You paused, frowning as you look at the picture long and hard. When you speak up, your voice is noticeably quieter.

“He was just as old as I was when I started this whole Apex mantle thing. Hell, he might’ve been older. Will be older. And quite frankly, I can’t stop him even if I wanted to. He’ll still do it, still go out and fight and just-...”

“He’ll do it unsupervised, and that’s what scares me the most.”

You mumble under your breath, “He reminds me too much of… Me. Young, dumb, and reckless as all hell.”

You shook your head and pulled up another file. This one’s a text file, and it’s detailed enough to go on for pages and pages, but clearly there’s more to be added.

“So, what I’m hoping to do is… Start an internship program. Start- start him early. The sooner, the better control he’ll have over his powers. The better experience he’ll get. And, of course, with the additional benefits of, well. Being in an actual internship program.”

“What that will intel? I don’t know. But I think… I think both the students and SI can- can benefit off of that.”

“So, that was one of my projects. Another one is about, well.”

You swallowed hard for this one.

“Extremis.”

You held your hands up as if trying to halt the camera- even the viewer- from freaking out.

“Listen, look, I know, I know- ‘oh, Extremis is already stabilized, oh, why mess with it even more, oh, just leave it alone it’ll make you explode into a thousand firecrackers, oh’- I get it. I know.”

“But… Listen to me.”

“I really, really do think Hansen was onto something with Extremis, no matter how evil and fucked up it is now. It… With a little bit of love and care, I really do think it can help. Maybe not- not on a mass-production scale- or for commercial use, period- but still.”

You licked your lips, eyes flickering to a picture of you, Tony, and Rhodey eating ice cream on your desk.

“I… It can be a last resort type of thing. It- it has the potential. So, so much potential.”

You chuckled to yourself.

“Well, it’s not like you- whoever else that isn’t me that’s watching this- can convince me otherwise. Don’t worry, no live subjects. No evil scientist bull, just… Just trust me, please.”

It’s unclear who exactly you’re referring to, but it’s as if there’s a specific person you’re trying to plead with despite knowing that no matter what, this footage- along with the rest- will be forever condemned to rest in the grave that is DAHLIA’s protected database.

“So, yeah. Working a little bit on Extremis. Um, I wish I could say that the next projects are more- light-hearted, but. Not really, no.”

“I’m… Well, there’s no easy way to say this: I’m thinking of filing a class-action lawsuit on Ross.”

And with that bombshell of an announcement to the camera, the Avengers alert rang across the building.

“Fuck- DAHLIA, end it- put me on comms!”

…

[Video end. Selecting next in queue…]

[Playing… “i am so mad i didn’t think about this before dahlia change the mission objective”, date created: 12-18-2013.]

…

...

“Would you believe me if I said I completely forgot about these whole video log things?”

Your back is turned to the camera, completely shirtless and hair dripping wet. You’re texting someone, and you’re typing a little bit furiously. The camera catches the other person sending a cat picture. You huff, but turn your phone off and set it to the side.

“So. Ross.”

You shake your head.

“Sorry to drop a bombshell like that on you,” you quietly address the camera, “then disappear on a mission, but-”

“There’s nothing concrete now. Just- it’s just an idea. I think…”

“I think Bruce would like it. There’s- there’s a lot of dirt on Ross. So much shit that can get him life, too. Maybe even death if we play our cards right, but… I want that bastard to suffer. And quite frankly, if I can get rid of him now, the better the Avengers will be in the future.”

You rolled your shoulders, a satisfying crack echoes from you and you grinned for a moment, before smoothing your face out into something more neutral. You leaned back in your chair, and take a breather.

“So, uh. It’s been… Over a month, I’d say? Since I started these whole video logs. Um… No traces on Barnes. It’s…”

You glance up at the ceiling with a pained expression.

“It’s frustrating as hell. You’d think, with access to a majority, if not all of the satellites and cameras and whatnot, we’d find him easier…”

“It’s like he’s not even doing anything, at all. No missions, no assassinations or whatever… Nothing. Nada. It’s like… It’s like he’s not even being deplo-”

You paused. It’s clear that the gears inside your head are turning. You narrowed your eyes, a smile threatening to break out as you reached towards the camera buttons.

“Sonnofabitch.”

…

[Video end. Selecting next in queue…]

[Playing… “i won’t let history repeat again starting with him”, date created: 12-29-2013.]

…

...

“So. I’m, uh, major update.”

Unlike the previous video logs where you were in your lab, this one is different. The camera is a lot closer to your face and from a bottom perspective as you hold the camera.

You’ve got part of your helmet, chest plate, shoulders, gauntlets, and presumably your boots still on as your steps are heavy and clanking. There’s blood smeared across your forehead. You’re slightly out of breath as you glance at something outside of the camera’s perspective.

Around you, the view is shaky and it’s unclear where you’re walking. None of the interior decors indicates that you’re in the tower- in fact, it’s barren and empty.

You glance down at the camera view.

“Remember the last log? Well, I uh, sort of had an epiphany, if you will.”

You continue walking, but you’ve reached a door mechanism. You punch in some numbers and continue talking as the doors open wide.

“It was strange, that I got no hits of a Winter Soldier stalking around anywhere. Sure, he’s a trained spy and killer, but no one’s that slick- not even Natasha, as much as she thinks otherwise.”

You’re in an elevator now, catching your breath slightly as you drew your eyebrows together. There’s a dinging noise, indicating the floors you’re ascending- or descending, as it’s unclear what story you’re on.

“It was like there was no Winter Soldier; at least, no active one.”

“That got me thinking. He’s- what- from the 20’s? He should’ve been, say, early thirties, so 31? 32? At the time he went missing, anyways. But the thing is… Even in the future, the man looks barely in his late thirties. Barely.”

You tap your feet impatiently, boots echoing in the small space.

“But he’s been the Winter Soldier for, what, almost 70 years? Shit don’t add up.”

“So, while he’s practically responsible for so many goddamn murders, he’s probably not always… Awake. Active. I was thinking, shit, if he ain’t up and about right now, where the hell is he?”

“So I did some more digging. Found a Winter Soldier file in S.H.I.E.L.D.- er, HYDRA’s database. There’s… A bunch. Of the Winter Soldiers, I mean. But none of them were- was Barnes. Just a bunch of knock offs.”

You glance up at the floor indicator. The camera shifts and the numbers blink downwards.

-3… -4… -5...

“But I found something interestin’. There’s a- a list. Of HYDRA bases. Had no idea what they were for, but I took a hot guess.”

“One of them was Siberia. First one I went to- no Barnes. A bunch of other Winter Soldiers, though. The failed ones.”

“I…”

There’s a moment of hesitation, unsure if you should say what you’re about to say.

“I shot them dead.”

The ball drops just as the elevator dings, doors opening as you stepped out with a confidence that doesn’t match the remorse in your eyes.

“It’s. Look, I know it- that’s fucking. Insane. Inhumane. Murder. I don’t care. It’s- it’s too goddamn dangerous, having them- alive! I don’t know if there was any- any redemption for them.”

“But in the end, they- they were willing soldiers for HYDRA. The best, even. Anyone who- who willingly works for HYDRA… I’m not too sure I can trust them.”

You growled.

“Shit, I trusted Maximoff… And look where that got us.”

“I’m not fucking risking it with them.”

You shook your head, face smoothing out so it’s only the stressed wrinkles on your forehead that’s present. Your eyes soften minutely so.

“But for Barnes… There’s a chance. He’s a goddamn POW, and… If Shuri succeeded in getting rid of the trigger words, then there’s. A. Chance.”

“And… I’m willing to take that risk with him.”

The camera shifts, staring directly at the underside of your jaw. You cough and recalibrate the camera so it’s at a better angle.

“Anyways.”

“I… I went down the list. Of the bases? I didn’t- didn’t infiltrate them per se. It’s too risky- a majority of those bases are major ones. So I just… Snuck around. Looked at the infrastructure for anything that remotely looked like a certain Winter Soldier would be in.”

You stopped walking, now staring directly at something behind the camera. Your lips are pressed in a grim line.

“And I hit the jackpot.”

You should be happy about it if you took those words out of context, but your expression is far from it. Guilt, pity, and an earthly weariness mares your eyes as you huff.

“Everybody, say hi to Mr. James Buchanan Barnes.”

The camera view flips, and in the front stage center is a big chamber, similar to that of a hulk play box. But while it is smaller, the glass is noticeably thicker. In the corner, outside of the chamber, is Mark 22 standing eerily still with its glowing eyes trained on Barnes. It’s in a neutral stance, but it’s clear that it won’t hesitate to incapacitate the soldier if it came down to it.

And on the furthest wall inside the chamber is Barnes, slumped on the ground with a pool of water around him. He’s wet as well, but unconscious. He’s in his military tactical gear, too, though there are no weapons visible on him.

The microphone picks up your sigh.

“I… I don’t know what to do with him. I- I saw the fucking- freezer they kept him in, but. It was a quick operation- I had no time to get the damn thing out without them- HYDRA- noticing me. So. Guess that throws out the plan to keep him- frozen like a popsicle until further notice.”

Barnes twitches slightly, and his fingers move. There’s an audible grunt, and your breath hitches as you swerve the camera back on you. Your eyes are wide, and you throw the camera a nervous grin that’s more akin to a grimace. In the background, your suit whirs to life.

You gave a nod to the camera.

“Wish me luck.”

…

[Video end.]

[Play again?]

Masterlist

Tagged: @unsolvetheheckoutofit, @tonystanktheirondad, @ludwigvonbaethoven, @fabledxmystery

#male reader #male!reader #x male reader #male reader insert #avengers x male reader #Avengers #reader insert #Bucky Barnes #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes x male reader #winter soldier #restart

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chezforshire · 4 years

Text

AU where marceline is the school's local harana for hire she writes quick songs for anyone who wants to have a song sung for anyone for whatever reason they want

It's usually a lot of love songs (she's gotten tired of this really fast) but sometimes she gets requests for songs for friends

Anyway, Lady and Jake help her out with this business by making bouquets and playing along with her respectively. And Bon is usually just someone she bounces ideas with cause Marce may know so many people, but there's still a number of rich prissy losers that Bon knows and that's usually her clients. Also, Bon loves getting to stretch her writing skills.

(Though she's also pretty tired of love songs)

Marce gets a commission one day to make a song for Bon and she just kinda. Stares at it. Her clients aren't anonymous. Well, not usually. A lot of her songs are made from shared memories and the small percent made from flowery words are usually douchelords who are too confident about their place to think they'd need anonymity in case of rejection.

So when she sees that this one didn't have a name she was a little... confused. There was also the fact that Bon is notorious for saying no to everyone who tries to ask her out. And not in a way where friends tell friends this, but more of she said no to a guy who payed the whole school to get in on his grand plan to ask her out

(Even Marce tho it wasn't for a song. It was more of he asked her to drive Bon to school at a specific time. She obviously told Bon this but they didn't have a lot of time to talk about it bc the guy texted everyone their roles literally on midnight and wired the cash after sending the message.

A little worrying how he not only got everyone's number but also everyone's bank account. She and most of her friends changed phones then bc that was creepy as all hell)

She doesn't tell Bon. Not because of some customer confidentiality or whatever but because... Well she doesn't really know. It just made her irrationally irritated and sad. Odd.

She takes far longer than usual to reply to this. She doesn't understand the hesitation. Or maybe she does? Bon has called her a bleeding heart a million times and she guesses thats the reason. She feels bad for them and doesn't want to watch another person who put in effort be rejected. Yeah that's it. She should tell him that. Maybe they were new or something. It'll be fine, plus they didn't want a full song so they werent paying much. Yeah, that sounds like a game plan.

The next day she says yes and wonders all day why she did that

For about a month she keeps this commission to herself. She spaces out more than usual during this time. Not quite disassociating, just staring into space and thinking.

Bon isn't worried bc this is usually how she gets when she's got a song in the works. She needles her about what it is and who it's for, but she generally deflects and at some point just straight up lies and says some random names.

She also learns more about her client. They're not new, they've actually known Bon for about 3 to 5 years. They're pretty close apparently and actually knows Marce personally. Theyve talked several times and have hung out here and there too. (That sure didn't make her anxiety and paranoia skyrocket)

She feels a lot of anxiety and worry and trepidation and god other irrational shit about this commission. She doesn't really tell anyone (something her therapist, or Bon more importanly Bon, would frown at) so she's just left to wallow about it on her own. She tries working on it as much as she can but it just feels... wrong somehow. She doesn't really get it but she feels like she'll lose something because of this. She doesn't get it. She knows they'll be rejected and they'll all laugh at it in the end and just.

What is it. What's wrong.

She feels a tap on her shoulder and she almost falls off her bed. Jake's apparently been trying to talk to her for a solid minute and oh jeez now he's got that Worried Big Brother look.

He peers at her and asks what's wrong and not-so-subtly threatens that he'll stay and use his Big Brother mode on her if she tries to lie to him

She just sighs heavily and curls up

"Someone commissioned a suicide mission"

Jake makes an 'o' with his mouth. Theyve always called anyone who tried to flirt with Bon a suicide mission and laughed pretty hard at it. Even Bon calls the poors souls who try suicide missions.

She uncurls a bit and faces Jake with a small smile, ready to laugh with him about it as she should. But for some reason Jake just... Looks at her with this worried look. Not his patented Im-Worried-For-You-Little-Sibling but more of one would give to a friend when they know something they don't.

Marce laughs, shakey and unsure. "What? S'not like this doesn't happen. It's Bon, ya know? The sweatheart of the school." With a mean streak that rivals the devil, she adds quietly- fondly- in her head.

Jake just nods slowly. He drags his eyes away from her and stares at her wall, eyes unfocused.

Marce starts having a bit of a panic because what is that face, why is Jake acting like this, is there somethin on her wall, wait does he know the client, is he friends with the client, is he the client, w-

Jake flops his short, chunky body on her bed and pulls her to lay down too. Roughly, might she add. And not to mention absolutely unexpected.

He's smiling again, big and all teeth. It twitches for a second when he makes eye contact but bounces back so quick she thinks she might have imagined it.

"Ha! You're gonna write for a suicide mission this is hilarious!" He makes a move to ruffle her hair and she just starts flailing to avoid this. "Man! I haven't seen one in a while so this'll be fun at least. Something else to keep us busy other than those stupid douchefucks who thinks a song is a sure fire way to get laid."

Marce is confused but doesn't question this sudden change. Plus it actually helps? She snickers -because no, she doesnt giggle she is cooler than that- at the thought of watching the client be rejected before Marce can even pull out her guitar.

"Yeah, threw me off like hell cause Bon is practically legendary but hey apparently there are still some brave souls out there."

"Oh dude, I've got a great ass idea," Jake sits up and leans on his elbows, "Let's keep this a secret from princess. Oh and Lady cause you know she cant keep anything from her."

Marce kinda laughs at this in confusion. "Uh what? Why? If you haven't noticed my services include a bouquet and unless you've learned flower language I dont think we can take Lady outta the equation."

He snorts "I may not know flowers, but I know my girlfriend. I can just be vague and she'll take it as a challenge and try to make the perfect bouquet. S'no problem on that front.

"I figured we could keep it a secret so we can see Bon's pure and raw reaction. Like I said, there hasn't been a suicide mission in a looooong while so she probably doesn't expect this. And it'll be way more funny cause someone commissioned you for it. Where it is no secret that a) you do this and b) you get help from the three of us."

"You got a point there detective. Bur fair warning, Bon will be giving us the stink eye for days if we do this. Especially me because she's my thesaurus and metaphor maker. You know how she loves taking credit for making them sound like a stupid romance novel."

"Psh, she loves you to hell and back. She'll just pout at you for a while and when you buy her her favourite candy it'll be right as rain."

Okay, that sounded valid but at the same time Marceline kind of shut down after Jake said Bon loves her so uh she guesses she'll just trust that it'll be fine?

" 'nother idea," Jake says softly. He's looking at he- actually. No he's not looking at her, hes just looking her way but his eyes are just. Not there.

"Uh, shoot"

"Make this song the best you've ever made."

Marceline laughs for a second before she realizes okay wait Jake is serious about that. What. Why the fuck would she do that.

He shrugs and smiles again. Soft and pitying -what why why is Jake acting like this what the fuck- and he gestures around a bit before speaking.

"Well, first off it'll be good practice for you. You've been workin with Bon for about as log as you've been doing this so think of this as a test to see how you are now on your own.

"Second, well ya gotta admit if you pull out a banger and Bon actually likes it it'll be way funnier cause you can sing it and she'll look all annoyed but you can see that her tapping her foot and bobbing her head. It'll be funny for everyone involved.

"And lastly," Jake takes a deep breath before speaking, as if this is one of the toughest things he's done in a while. "Call it a father's intuition."

She stares at him. She- she doesn't know hwo to react to that.

After a second, Jake cracks a soft smile and "Did you get Lady pregnant, you fucking askal" just slips out of her mouth.

Jake laughs loud and boisterous at this and Marce just follows.

Yeah, she might as well make this the best one she's ever made. The client won't get the girl, but at least she can make her like it

#chersonal #adventure time #at hc #bubbline #okay this got longer than i expected #i just spout this shit before i go to sleep so i dont usually know what the fuck im saying #yellow yelling

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gothamslimpestwrist · 4 years

Text

s1e2 selina kyle

killcount:

“doug” the childsnatcher: “soldier” (homeless guy)

oswald cobblepot: douchebag college bro from the car, probably the other douchebag college bro as well.

jim gordon: quillan’s janitor

“patti” the childsnatcher: cat scratch fever dude w/ no eyes

episode total: 5 total count: 12

the dark knight rises: shit is clearly fucked in gotham. crime families are ruling the city, yes, but honestly that’s the least of it; look at the police force. we see that bo, the first responder, is late to the scene of the crime because he takes protection money from a local restaurant & gave them first priority (in other words, he’s a crooked bitch demanding a racket, AND it gets in the way of him actually doing his job). the cops are pretty much, explicitly, just an extension of the mob at this point.

interestingly, we also see the start of an exploration of the wayne’s corruption; falcone refers to “the wayne empire,” mirroring the way they talk about the crime families And Also setting the waynes up as, like, a picture of the wealthy elite taken to a whole ‘nother level. gotham is the last modern vestige of the city state--and that is the wayne empire. who takes the crown now that the emperor and empress are dead?

in OTHER news, the waynes really fucked bruce over. the murder itself was the lynching pin, causing him to jump over the fucking edge, so to speak, but he is Just A Little Boy! he is so troubled! he’s self harming and alfred yells at him and HITS HIM for being stupid, he’s listening to loud music and drawing fucked up shit, he’s both burned himself and is apparently cutting, and alfred, seeing all of this, refuses to get the boy who saw his parents shot a therapist, because the waynes told him to essentially let bruce raise himself. “the children are thoroughbreds,” basically.

quoth barbara (thinking about essen shushing the child snatcher case in fear of bad press): “i can’t believe the system is so corrupt.” quoth jim (thinking about how he was yelled at for not beating a perp, thinking about the cop/mob connection that demanded he kill a man to prove his loyalty, thinking...): “you have no idea.”

oh! and jim tells bruce the kids need more than money to keep them safe.

sliding scale of barbara kean’s sanity: she seems to be doing alright, but she’s troubled by jim’s troubles. also, this episode sets up some shit that will lead to irreparable damage later on; jim, even when he’s telling her things, isn’t telling her everything. she knows it. she hates it. he specifically hasn’t told her about oswald, which gives her reason to believe he’s a murderer pretty soon. plus, what she does w/ the information he does give her about his work (go straight to the press) gives him immediate reason to start trusting her less... and so they spiral.

sliding scale of ed nygma’s sanity: he’s a little bit more of a lurker this episode. creeps outside the captain’s office until someone notices him, lingers inside until everyone in the room makes it obvious he’s not welcome. he’s trying his best, but he’s not... very... “well liked,” shall we say.

continuity: montoya and allen are looking into the murder of oswald cobblepot. he was their snitch, after all. so that’s problems... many things are subtly set up in this episode: falcone and fish discuss maroni and his anticipated power play (adding another piece to the political chessboard of this season), the atp drug the child snatchers use is established to have been developed for arkham asylum, which is also established to have been closed for the past 15 years AND to have recently been in the works for a reopening, specifically by thomas and martha wayne. and that’s all just offhanded discussion. also related to the atp, when ed is listing the only three places that still stock it, it’s quillan pharma, drakatech (?)... and welzyn, which isn’t relevant at all to THIS episode (quillan’s the one dealing with the childsnatchers) but WILL become relevant to everyone in a few episodes, when welzyn manufactures viper. oh, and naturally the identity of the man the childsnatchers are working for: the dollmaker. hm!! on a lighter note, harvey’s ex-white knight tendencies that we explore in spirit of the goat are foreshadowed here; essen accuses him of leaking the child snatchers story to the press, w/ the reasoning that he’d done it before. after jim & barbara established that it was the right thing to do....

parallels: jim & selina meet in this episode. they are... The Same™. (look, i’ll come back to it later, but even tho my parallel in the pilot was btwn selina and oswald, and even tho they’re the two that are the villain counterparts to our heroes, jim and SELINA are the matched set.) also, this is the episode where fish expresses the wish that penguin wasn’t dead (because she wants him to suffer), but also she tells jim & harvey that she knew it was a mistake to order them killed as soon as she did it. so that means something?

neither here nor there, but gertrud tells montoya & allen how elegant and well dressed oswald is, and bruce comments on the orphans’ scruffy appearances and buys them new clothes... we love a dandy, i guess.

characterization: we meet some irrelevant street kids that selina knew; zeb, smoke, and mackey (corey in the house). i’m basically using the characterization tab as fanfic reference so i might as well record that.

lazlo, fish’s lover, is relevant, in that falcone beats him to get to her. it definitely does affect her, though she says she only keeps him around for exercise. maybe more b/c of falcone’s threat and the fear of what it implies, though.

and gertrud! ozzie’s mom. everyone connected to oswald, even outside (maybe even especially outside) of his mob connections, is a little twisted. she’s no different; she’s clearly a bit out of her head, she mistrusts the police (which i guess we’re supposed to think is suss, though really...Fair and Just), she’s got that almost creepy codependency with oswald while not really knowing what’s going on there. (other examples: elijah, oswald’s gothic horror father, martin, oswald’s lowkey homicidal son, edward, oswald’s fascist dog, jim, oswald’s corrupt boyfriend...) she also seems to think oswald has run off with some painted lady (actually, she says painted slut), which might be indicative of her experiences w/ van dahl and some unstable jealousy more than it is of oswald, who’s... you know.

in other news, jim is all over the map here. he stops harvey beating mackey (and later, quillan, after they’ve already gotten info out of him) and protests that they should leak the story to the press, but he also seems content to keep his mouth shut until barbara takes doing good upon herself. he adapts to the mob shit pretty quick, but expresses disgust w/ the corruption in the system. he gets off on the wrong foot w/ mayor james because he disagrees with locking up the kids w/o a trial, but he doesn’t... step in... either. we see this willingness to compromise and bend the knee that means he’ll never be the hero gotham deserves.

also, not to be a jim apologist on main or anything (ha, ha), but he’s just so... brainwashed. all this, & he still tells alfred that being a cop, which has thus far caused him nothing but pain & misery, is the “best job in the world.” because he thinks he’s helping people. (and he likes getting to feel like a hero... so where do the misguided good intentions stop and the selfish motives begin?) he also kills a man for the first time on screen this episode because for all its examinations of dirty cops... gotham is still, at the end of the day, Copaganda. in an actual moment of me drinking I Love Jim Gordon juice, jim is the one who advocates for bruce going to therapy, and tries to convince him to go personally, even when jim himself is too emotionally stunted for it to help him.

also, backstory: harvey pegs his love life, saying, “high school sweetheart, then a bunch of hoes (read: eduardo dorrance) overseas only made you sad... and then there’s barbara.” he also calls jim a monkey riding a race horse; jim’s face is really good @ that. i misinterpreted the line about high school sweethearts back in the day to mean that barb was jim’s highschool sweetheart. this is on account of auditory processing disorder and also general dumbassery. anyway, the point is that jim is a boring, predictable bitch! whom i love.

...in terms of characterization from the episode that i don’t agree with, i can’t really see oswald writing all the shit that they had on his conspiracy board, lmfao. “crybaby brucie,” “gordon=STOOGE,” & so forth. i pretend i do not see it.

#gotham #text post #meta #jim gordon #season one #selina kyle

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smoljoelito · 5 years

Text

piece by piece || joel pimentel

word count: 2,411

request/requested by: anon || possible request: the reader's not very good at communicating and having troubles to open up, with Chris or Joel A/N: I took this story to a whole nother level since I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. Let me know if you want me to write something different.

description: You’ve been keeping a huge secret from Joel from far too long.

warnings: fluff, language, but also TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANYONE THAT HAS BEEN ABUSED WHETHER ITS SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, OR PHYSICAL ABUSE BE CAREFUL.

masterlist

tags: @quierick @mepuserojito @ericks-mala-actitud@woowoodaaboo @ella-se-vuelve-loca @joelsaww @honeyzhong @sarswilltakeyouout @pimentelssmile @hardtoadore @whippedforcnco @notsoteenagegirl@richukisbb @besosdecnco

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Piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone.

This is all Joel has been repeating in his head since he started a relationship with you. You’ve always been incredibly private, harboring hidden things from your past behind walls you’ve built, which Joel doesn’t mind. It isn’t his business, and he knows it, he just wishes you’d actually tell him and trust him enough to let him in fully.

While being a closed book, you’re also incredibly bold and brave to Joel. As soon as you started your relationship, you let him know exactly what kind of person you were and what he was getting himself into. You told him it was hard for you to let people in, yet you also said for some reason, telling things to Joel was much easier than anyone you’ve ever met before him and you would tell him things as you went along. You told him your trust has to be earned, yet you also said he’s earning it as we speak. And you also told him he has to be patient with you, yet you said he was the most gentle man you’ve ever met, and you already know it won’t be an issue.

Before you said all these things though, Joel already knew them. It was as if he could sense exactly what you needed at any moment, whether it be a specific reaction or touching/ not touching, he knows. It comes as easily as performing for him.

You kept true to your word, letting him in and allowing him to chip at your walls, piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone. As much as you tell him about your past, there are plot holes as if it were a movie. He knows you’re keeping something big from him, something that would thread all the stories together and make a tapestry, so he could see all your memories and have them make sense.

The only thing right now that makes sense is how much he adores you. You’ve been together merely six months and he literally cannot imagine his life without you, and if he tries, his heart physically hurts in his chest. Little does he know, you feel the same exact way.

Keeping everything from him physically hurts you. Every time you curve the answer to one of his questions, it’s like your heart gets a kink in it, but every time you decide today is going to be the day you tell him everything, your gut gets a kink in it, to the point where you’ve actually thrown up before he’s come over. He knows you’re very broken, and he’s made it his duty to try and fix you, but you won’t let him. Fixing one person, putting all your time and energy into them, leaves you being the broken one in the end, and you love him too much to allow him to give himself up for you in that way.

As soon as you realized you loved him, you decided you needed to fix yourself for him before there were two broken members in the relationship, not just one. It wasn’t fair to him to have to carry your baggage when you were willing and able. So, you went to therapy, and you haven’t told him yet since you don’t want him to get offended that you’re talking to a therapist and not him. Within the first two weeks of visits, after a lot of vomiting and migraines before the visits, your therapist knew more about you than anyone in your entire life did.

And then, you were able to build yourself back up. Your past made you feel unworthy and undeserving of any form of love and happiness the world had to offer, which came in the form of Joel. This boy makes electricity run through your veins, fireworks dance across your eyelids when you kiss, and your heart leaps whenever he beams at you as if you are the only one in the room. Your first thought when you wake up is of him along with your last when you go to sleep. Whenever something good happens, he’s the first one you call. You see the sun in his smile, hear melodies in his laughter, and see galaxies behind his eyes. Every good thing in the world you correlate to Joel, even small things like finding a penny on the ground since it’s your lucky day, but the real luck you’ve had comes in the form of your boyfriend.

And to make sure he knew that you weren’t leading him on, you were the first one to say I love you. You never admit anything to him willingly, but you wanted him to know he had made so much progress with you, and he really is and was changing you for the better. Your walls are falling, piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone. It shocked him to his core, physically making him tear up. He never thought you'd say the words, much less, be the first to say them. You’ll never know how much it meant to him. He felt fire run through his veins, felt his heart start beating so fast, he thought for a second it might burst out of his rib cage. It made him feel so overjoyed, yet so emotional at the same time that he couldn’t form any words, so he just kissed you and hopefully conveyed all of the fire, the butterflies, and emotions into it before he actually said the words out loud. Little does he know, you got the message.

After three more months of work, your therapist recommended you tell Joel exactly what your past was like, which was a week ago. Now, you’re sitting in his bed, cuddled up under the covers and finishing up the last few minutes of Toy Story 3 in preparation for Toy Story 4, but with everything circulating your mind, you’re hardly focused on the movie.

At this moment, it feels right to tell him, and you’re oddly calm about it. Everything in your body feels settled and at peace with the idea. Now, you’re not afraid he will leave you for it or that he will judge you immensely and shame you, now, you’re both ready for your shit show.

“Joel?” You squeak out, causing him to glance down at you.

“Yeah?”

“I have to tell you something.” You can feel everything in Joel’s body physically still as his breath hitches in his throat, causing your heart to break. Before you can hear or feel anything else, you sit up in the bed, leaning up against the headboard. After a moment, he follows you in suit.

As soon as you lifted your head off his chest, his heart started to pound wildly against his ribcage. He knew what you were going to tell him, and he has been ready for it. His support, kindness, and love are ready, you just have to say the words. Piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone, your final wall is falling.

“So... um... to start off I’ve been going to therapy for three months to try to sort all my feelings out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I didn’t want you to get offended that I was talking to someone else and not you. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I needed to sort out my own insecurities that I was bringing into our relationship that didn’t have any business being there. I was afraid once I told you what I’m about to tell you that you’d leave me or shame me for it, but that was my own insecurity talking. Also, I felt undeserving of your love or happiness, but that’s also not true. I’m not your mess to fix, I’m my own mess to fix, and it wouldn’t have been right or healthy for you to take that all on yourself, so I got professional help. I’m sorry for not telling you.” Part of the weight that was on your chest is removed as you meet his eyes, which hold only gentleness, trust, and patience from you, the three things you originally asked for from him, but also love, an unexpected pleasure. To your surprise, he takes your hand, lacing your fingers together.

“You can tell me anything, Y/N. I’m absolutely, totally in love with you. I’m not leaving you anytime soon, or ever. Thank you for being so concerned with me. It really means a lot that you went and sought out professional help so you could keep this relationship healthy. You’re so brave it amazes me sometimes.” Instantly, your face is completely red making Joel giggle, which in turn causes your heart to skip a few beats in your chest. A smile breaks out on your face even in the seriousness of the moment thanks to your cheeky boyfriend as you lean over and smack his leg jokingly.

“Let me tell you!” You beg, causing him to laugh yet again, but then he calms down, still smiling, but nodding at you to go on.

“Okay so, you know how I grew up in an orphanage and in different foster homes? Well... um... some of them weren’t so... nice. Before I found my home when I was fifteen, I went to three different foster homes before that. The first foster home I went too was awful. They only fostered kids for the extra money, not for any other reason, like love or wanting to help. The man there used to starve us when we didn’t behave and tie us to a post in the basement, sometimes for hours or a day, but one time, he left me there for four days, starved and dehydrated with fresh bruises from when he uh... hit me. When I finally came back to school and the teacher saw me, she called CPS right away and all of the kids were sent to their original orphanages, like me, or to other foster homes.

“The second home I went to just wanted the money too, but they didn’t abuse any of us. In reality, they really didn’t care about any of us, but they weren’t evil and wanted to hurt us. It was just a place to live that wasn’t the orphanage, but soon I got sent to my third foster home.

“The parents at the third foster home were wonderful, but their own children were not. They had 4 boys, all ranging from ages ten to sixteen. I was fourteen at the time and they would all try and mess with me. When I walked home from school or was at school with them, they’d trip me, slap me, push me, or just verbally abuse me. At night when I was asleep, they’d sneak into my room and try to... touch me. They never were successful, I’d always fight them off, but most of the time, I’d sit up the whole night and wait for my door to crack open since I was absolutely terrified. When I did sleep, it was from exhaustion. I never told my foster parents about it either, since they thought their boys were perfect angels. Later on, though, someone finally wanted to adopt me so I got taken from the shitty house.

“The two homes made me not trust any men in my life. Pretty much besides you and my dad, I thought every man was out to get me. When I first moved into my house, I wouldn’t even look at my dad when I talked to him. It took him almost a year of working with me for me to trust him. My mom earned my trust instantly, we just connected, but I never told either of them about my past foster homes. You’re the first to know. I’m sorry I never told you, I... I just couldn’t.” The tears that you held in the whole speech come pouring out as soon as you finish, leaving you clasping a hand over your mouth as you choke on a sob. Before you can even move to Joel, he’s grabbing your waist and pulling you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you so tight you wonder whether it’s hit grip or your sobs keeping your chest from expanding to let air in. Your arms are wrapped around him just as tightly though, holding onto him for dear life as you let out every last emotion you’ve bottled up for years. He’s your rock, you everything, and there’s still a slight fear that if you loosen your grip just a tad, you’ll lose him.

Once your sobs quiet down, you can hear another set of sobs coming from Joel causing you to pull your face from his chest. There, you find his sparkly eyes a bit extra sparkly as the excess tears catch the light before they cascade down his face. A hiccup escapes you causing a small smile to break out on his face. Your hands gently clasp his cheeks before you run your thumbs under his eyes to collect the wetness there.

“Why a-are you c-crying?” You stutter out, thanks to the sobbing from before.

“Because people hurt my baby and that hurts me.” His answer makes your chest crack open as a few fresh tears roll down your cheeks. This time, his hands come up, gently holding your face, before running his thumbs underneath your eyes, then falling back down to hold your waist. You can’t help but crack a small grin as you playfully punch him in the shoulder.

“I’m supposed to be the one crying doofus!” You call out causing him to burst out laughing as a few fresh tears roll down his cheeks. Your fingers are there again to quickly catch them before they can make it too far. A sniffle leaves you causing his grip on you to tighten.

“Amor, it means more to me than I can say that you told me all that about your past. I will always be here to support you through anything you need. I swear on my life that I won’t treat you like those men did. The rest of my life I’m going to spend loving and taking care of you so much that you’ll never, ever feel like you were mistreated again. I’m going to marry you one day, nena, you just wait and see.”

#cnco #cnco imagines #joel pimentel #joel imagines #joel imagine #joel pimentel imagines #joel pimentel imagine #my imagines #my one shots #joel one shot #joel one shots #cnco one shots

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goblin-gardens · 5 years

Text

@grimark replied to your post “although she is the only one who is currently a literal goblin, i think there’s actually a strong argument to be made about each member of the M9 being actually more Goblin than Nott is”

if you get the time/inclination i would Love to hear about the goblin energy of the rest of the m9

anything for u grim. and anything to tempt you further into the world of Critical Role. i see you liking my “Caduceus Clay is a twink” posts and the good good fjanart i reblog. i see you.

come. stay a while and listen! read my very long and very scientific essay! i will not be disclosing how long this took me, but there are almost 2500 words under the cut.

okay okay okay so the first thing we need to do in this very serious and scientific endeavor is separate Sam Reigel’s MASSIVE Goblin Energy from his character. that man’s Goblid Quotient is OFF THE CHARTS.

when we look at Just Nott (and Veth, which would be a whole nother section but we don’t actually know anything about her??) does she express clear Goblin Traits at a higher rate than the rest of her party? they are generally a pretty gobliny bunch, or they wouldn’t be killing strangers to take their gold, but do they have true Goblin Traits?

Some key elements of Goblinry: 1) Collection Of Crap 2) Chaos 3) Minionhood 4) Gooey Center 5) Laser Pointer Focus 6) Furious Devotion and 7) Hideous Cackling. what’s that? these seven qualities match up with the seven other members of the Mighty Nein, past and present? what a coincidence!!

1) Collection Of Crap, epitomized by: Caleb Widogast. a fairly self explanatory goblin trait. okay so yes, this is a trait Nott has in spades, and is specifically and canonically an aspect of her goblinhood. Caleb, however has chosen to Collect Crap to be a wizard, filling his pockets with spell components including, but by no means limited to, sulfur, molasses, honeycomb, bits of copper wire, and literal bat shit. it’s all just. in his pockets. being slimy. he has also been Collecting the Crap of trauma in his brain for many years, and no fantasy therapist has been around to help him KonMari some of it into healthier boxes. he has also Collected a whole new family to care about, and in many ways, he views that as kinda shitty. (runners up: Jester, with the animals and haversack of holding, Beau, with her constant wanting to know shit, Fjord, with his balls)

2) Chaos, epitomized by: Jester Lavorre. another Goblin trait Nott shares, but Nott hasn’t built a religion out of chaos. she’s not a high priestess of drawing dicks on things. her magic powers don’t some from a divine mandate to fuck shit up. honestly, i feel unconvinced by the assertion that Nott has a Chaotic alignment, while Jester’s CG status is unassailable. pets also up the chaos meter, though this Collection can be attributed to Laura Bailey and this has been taken into consideration. Jester’s childhood in the Lavish Chateau was sort of like a pandora’s jack in the box getting wound tighter and tighter and tighter past all physical comprehension, and though the lid has been lifted, the spring is only just starting to sproing. we haven’t even reached the Zenith yet! (runners up: Molly, with the egg dick incident, and Fjord, with his need to always....... touch..... things......)

3) Minionhood, epitomized by: Fjord “No-Name” Swordvjore. in CR, goblins will work together to target weaker and easy opponents, but aren’t prone to individual heroism and rarely, if ever, go out of their way to save a friend. in their villages, little value is placed on familial relationships or education, they’re not big team players, and everyone has a terrible sense of humor. what do they have in common with Fjord? NOT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, ACTUALLY. Fjord shows the other side of the coin, like how tactics that don’t rely on using yourself as canon fodder are more successful, or like how the power of friendship and diverse skill sets makes your team stronger. though he is currently examining the negative aspects of his own Minonhood, Fjord has spent much of his life content to be a minion. on a merchant ship, climbing ropes and battening hatches as he was instructed, and now a minion of a mysterious and powerful creature. however, he’s realized this arrangement no longer suits him, and he is looking for other options (like being a paladin??) (runner up: Caduceus Clay, committed WildMinion)

4) Gooey Center, epitomized by: Yasha Nydoorin. the Gooey Center is protected by a spiky, brittle, intimidating, crunchy, and/or off putting exterior. Yasha is our big, scary, tenderhearted wlw. our giant soft-hearted, angelic, full-of-boiling-murderous-rage, lightning-punching, funeral-not-having runaway who loves her wife and makes us cry. she shaves her arms with her sword. she uses books in non-traditional ways. she vanishes into the night sometimes in a very mysterious and tragic manner. she is our most Romantic player character, and she is super ripped and super queer, which are all aspirational goblin qualities. in practice, most goblins connect with their gooey center by being squished by someone like Yasha, maybe with a giant hammer. (runners up: Caleb, known glass canon with a very crunchy exterior, Beau, puncher of feelings, and Molly, who rudely showed us just how how close that center can be to the surface)

5) Laser Pointer Focus, epitomized by: Caduceus Clay. related to Minionhood, this is the aspect of Goblinry that the leader uses to achieve goals. the dogged focus of a True Goblin is powerful and direct, but can be redirected with the proper pressure or leadership, or lost when a cause or leader is not compelling enough or doesn’t provide adequate payment. the Laser Pointer Focus has an investigatory aspect as well, gathering little bits of info from every which way in moments, though the information gathered is rarely put to use immediately. Caduceus, who sees all but doesn’t always act on it, and is content to support the Nein and follow their meandering path to his goal, checks many of these boxes. (runners up: Fjord, spiritually chasing a laser pointer at all times, Jester, whose laser pointer always points at chaos, and Caleb, a cat)

6) Furious Devotion, epitomized by Beauregard Lionett. also going hand in hand with Minionhood, this is the trait that makes goblins actually willing to die in battle against adventurers and town guards and shit. but it doesn’t require any comfort with or willingness to follow authority, it’s the more feral side of love that is reigned in by Minionhood in true Goblins. this is the part of the Goblin that drive the Collecting of Crap because it genuinely loves all the shit it finds. Beau is a prime example of this trait, especially because as she gets more and more invested in a person or ideal, her willingness to let go, even in the face of likely death, decreases dramatically. see episode 55 for reference, among others. she also has a rather Goblinish inability to effectively communicate the depths of her feelings, though this is sort of an aspect of her defense of her Gooey Center and something she’s actively working on. (runners up: Yasha, very good at using the Fury to pursue the Devotion, and Caleb, even less able to discuss his feelings than Beau)

and finally 7) Hideous Cackling, epitomized by Mollymauk Tealeaf. this is what a Goblin does when surveying their Collection of Crap and the Chaos they have caused. this is how they communicate with fellow Minions in the know, how they react to seeing someone else’s Gooey Center, to catching the Laser Pointer. this is the easiest way to express their feelings of Devotion. the Hideous Cackle of a True Goblin is un-selfconscious and entirely for the benefit of the Cackler. Cackling Hideously is an act of self love. you can find your goblin group by listening to the Discordant Chorus made by Cackling together, and when you’re all reveling in the cacophony, there you are. it’s a little hedonistic and a little punk and a little queer, disregarding conventional expectations of beauty or family or polite behavior, and all about diving deep into the things that you are and the things that make you happy. an extremely Molly philosophy, truth be told. (runner up: Jester, gleeful agent of chaos)

Now lets use a quantifiable rubric to measure these attributes in each member of the M9. these will be X out of 11 because 77 is more of a Goblin Number than 70.

Nott The Brave Collection of Crap-- extremely. 9/11 Chaos-- FLUFFERNUTTERRRRRRRRRR! 8/11 Minionhood-- not really! her love of Caleb is much more protective (of him and his future abilities) than anything else. 3/11 Gooey Center-- ehhh she’s secretive, but her tender spots are other people, not actually her. 5/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- her main goals are all inwardly motivated and have not changed during the campaign. 2/11 Furious Devotion-- her love is extremely powerful. 10/11 Hideous Cackling-- a surprisingly low score due to her great potential for growth in the self-love department. 3/11 total score: 40/77. not a bad score, but not Extremely Goblin!

how does that stack up against every one else?

Caleb Collection of Crap-- keeps everything in his pockets except for his cat, which is in his heart. 11/11 Chaos-- absolutely creates it, but lacks proper conviction and glee. 3/11 Minionhood-- while formerly a Minion, he has developed his own purpose, and is no longer eager to follow authority. 1/11 Gooey Center-- easily smashed by any large or medium-sized hammer, but maintains staunch denial of inner Gooeyness. 8/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has goal, will travel. difficult to redirect. 5/11 Furious Devotion-- literally willing to break the world for people he loves. 10/11 Hideous Cackling-- this man has not once consensually Cackled in his whole life. -4/11 total score: 34/77. Not Especially Goblin!

Yasha Collection of Crap-- does have a whole book of pressed flowers! Collected Molly and then stuck with the Nein out serendipity/stubbornness. 6/11 Chaos-- she doesn’t really revel in it :/. 5/11 Minionhood-- serves a higher power and follows along the decisions of others in the group, even when not super enthused about them, like going to Xhorhas. 8/11 Gooey Center-- all the Gooeyer for being well protected, and though her emotional walls are not the most formidable in the party, the amount of protected feeling was unexpected 11/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- loyal to two guides, the Stormlord and the M9, though the Stormlord can pull her easily away from the group. 9/11 Furious Devotion-- very very angry. 10/11 Hideous Cackling-- could stand to be a bit more open about it. 4/11 Total score: 53/77 Actually Pretty Gobliny!

Fjord Collection of Crap-- collection is limited in scope and volume, but high in Strangeness. 8/11 Chaos-- a troublemaker, for sure and certain. 7/11 Minionhood-- Literally A Minion right now, summons demonic minions on occasion. 11/11 Gooey Center-- he is a twunk and he is mad about it. 6/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- this man cannot resist pushing buttons, be they physical, emotional, or likely to end the word. 9/11 Furious Devotion-- still figuring out where his passions lie, but he cares a lot about his friends. 5/11 Hideous Cackling-- too self conscious! loosen up! needs to Cackle in his own voice. 3/11 total score: 49/77 a respectable Goblin showing.

Beau Collection of Crap-- wants to know everything, is building a family. some points lost for minimalist monk aesthetic. 9/11 Chaos-- aspiring member of Nott the Best Detective Agency, punches people to learn about them. 8/11 Minionhood-- would destroy me for even suggesting it. -6/11 Gooey Center-- just! wants! everyone! to! get! along! 7/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has no clearcut Mission To Complete, tries to be a voice of reason. 2/11 Furious Devotion-- JUST! WANTS! EVERYONE! TO! GET! ALONG! 11/11 Hideous Cackling-- doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks, but is still learning to give a fuck about what she thinks. 5/11 total score: 36/77 second-least Goblin!

Molly Collection of Crap-- behold the coat. 8/11 Chaos-- he has that certain je ne se quois. 10/11 Minionhood-- the Moonweaver in not a fan of her followers following anyone’s orders. also he has his own minions and doesn’t want them 3/11 Gooey Center-- loves openly and without reservation. and also…………………… 8/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- Molly’s focus is loving his friends and knowing fuck all. 5/11 Furious Devotion-- found a tall sad lady and made his circus adopt her. gives money to orphans. 7/11 Hideous Cackling-- genuinely personified this action for two years. 11/11 total score: 52/77 not too shabby!

Jester Collection of Crap-- while most of her random shit has potential uses, it’s also a whole lot of random shit. some of its weasels. 10/11 Chaos-- spreading discord is a religious mandate for her. Her powers come from chaos. 11/11 Minionhood-- has limits in what she will support, but is pretty devoted to her friends! easily swept up in other people’s excitement. 8/11 Gooey Center-- physically well-defended, she has the luxury of wearing her heart on her sleeve. 6/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- it might seem like she’s easily distracted, but that’s actually because her surface level attention is secondary. her primary goal is actually Fucking Shit Up. 7/11 Furious Devotion-- gets attached and does. not. let. go. 10/11 Hideous Cackling-- the end goal of everything Jester does is Cackling With The Traveler, and she often succeeds. 10/11 total score: 62/77 Pretty Fucking Goblin!

Caduceus: Collection of Crap-- dude has a swarm of bugs living in his staff. 8/11 Chaos-- NOT a fan of stuff that disrupts the proper order of nature. 4/11 Minionhood-- of all the M9, the one with the guiding principles most defined by another being. a bit of a zealot, by word of Taliesin. 9/11 Gooey Center-- encourages everyone else to talk about their feelings, yet doesn’t talk about his own in the same way. very fragile. please protect this firbolg. 10/11 Laser Pointer Focus-- has a well-defined goal, but not a well defined path. constantly looking for the answers. 11/11 Hideous Cackling-- Cackling is a more intense action than thinking something is nice, but he’s on the right track. 5/11 total score: 47/77 more than a little Goblin!

final ranking (out of 77) 34, Caleb 🐱 36, Beau 👊 40, Nott 🏹 47, Caduceus 🐞 49, Fjord 🗡️ 52, Molly 🎴 53, Yasha ⚡ 62, Jester 🦄

now, 40/77 is by no means a LOW Goblin Quotient, but this single, not peer reviewed study shows that Nott is not, in fact, the ultimate Goblin of the M9. as a goblin of science myself, i absolutely invite further discussion and welcome any additional research into this matter. who do you think is the most Goblin?

happy goblining, friends! it’s thursday!

#grimark #critical role #cr2 #the mighty nein #nott the brave #caleb widogast #jester lavorre #fjord #yasha nydoorin #caduceus clay #beauregard #mollymauk tealeaf #meta #a cheesecake shitposts #but scientifically!#cr meta #please read this everyone i swear its worth it

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lettersandinkstains · 5 years

Text

blehhh at what point do i resign myself to going to the doctor about back pain? i don’t know if this is a thing of I’m on my feet 9+ hours a day with maybe 20 minutes to sit down--if i’m lucky--or this is a result of slipping and falling really hard over a month ago?

lower back, and i can’t even walk now and i have to get up to get some water and take medication, but even moving hurts. i can’t even bend down to pick up my cat when she whines for it and it makes me feel so bad.

and in other life related news, my niece had a seizure. i guess she had an ear infection that came on super quick, and her fever spiked really high within a span of 30-40 minutes, so she seized. they brought her to the ER, whose on call pediatrician was like, “WELP, i got the results but i’m OFF lmao bye”, but the hospital transferred her to kansas city to a children’s hospital, where they actually attended to her.

when she woke up, it was her uncle (my brother) she looked for and smiled at.

she’s back home now and doing okay, but geez. what a scare and a traumatic start to childhood--though i hope one year olds don’t retain memory yet.

i’m also counting down the days to when i see the gynecologist and maybe, hopefully, get answers.

i’m just praying super hard to whatever force is out there that his beliefs do not interfere with any medical decisions.

and this means allowing for a hysterectomy should i have endometriosis or anything else that could be wrong with that useless organ.

the reason i say that is that it’s a super catholic place, but the only one that does surgeries if something is wrong. and it’s really, really jarring to be staring at a picture of jesus saving peter from drowning with a male doctor all up in the vagina (which i still wish i had been born with a penis :/ that’s a whole nother rant lmao).

he seemed. nice, i guess when i first talked to him. but i’m wary.

as i am with gynecologists and obgyns. and literally anyone in the medical field who is not my therapist or psychiatrist. like sorry y’all, i’ve spent a good amount of time building a relationship with those two, and i see them frequently, so i’ll trust them and their thoughts more than someone i see for maybe ten minutes and tell them about all of my symptoms, only to be told to make another appointment.

i get they do like. ultrasounds and x rays and shit, but i dunno these people. i dunno their thoughts or what they’re like. so i am not gonna trust them.

and i am not gonna trust a doctor whose building hold music is worship music. no offense to christians, but you guys don’t have a good history with medical field, afabs, and making actual good choices. whose office has a fucking painting of jesus saving peter while drowning and something giving thanks to god for whatever happens.

which begs the question:

i havent exactly hidden that i’m gay, i have a rainbow on my hip. if i need surgery.

am i gonna die under their care? cool a new can of worms to freak out about.

#vent #authors notes #i'm rambling about this #bc life is like that ig

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ecmlol · 6 years

Text

Why zude break up makes senses atleast in my book

It a hard pill to swallow when we found out Adam senn wasn’t coming back. Some thought recast , other thoughts long distance relationships and then other thought death.

The one constant thing about zero was he never lied to Jude. Not once . That being said when zero told Jude “I would never leave you” we all thought endgame.Right?

Well that’s great but just like zero this has as layers too for this to make sense you have to go back a little and look at zero as a whole character not just face value.

So remember the time Jude and zero went to the house he grow up in?

We learn that he has a sister that the name zero came from his foster parents and that he never really had a loving environment. At one point zero said “ because up might not like what you see” to me that tells jude that he is even hiding from him. When Jude got him to lose his cool I think that was the beginning of the end of zero masking.

If we go back even farther Jude points out that” your buried so deep in there that you don’t even know yourself “ before that Jude talks about all the disguises that zero wears.This is when zero said a he doesn’t do relationships. From what I gathered both are true and zero didn’t lied again. Fast forward after Jude broke away from zero. I’m thinking zero missed everything that Jude offered him friendship sex and the sense of feeling safe (home and family)something that a person that went through his childhood doesn’t get often. So he wanted it back. When he final said I love you he was trying to get him to not leave like everyone else in his life. Jude asked him “ can you be there like a normal person “ “ he said no . He didn’t liar again.

At this point zero added a nother mask. Out baller because that what made jude happy he didn’t want to see Jude disappointed because of mr eyebrows not showing up and he got back his best friend and his “home “.

Fast forward zero is making a lot of money he has jude and he gets a house. I sorta feel like that was zero way of locking jude down . He told him he was his family and I think that’s he he really mean it.

Just like all the other mask this one had to break too . I think zero did a lot of things because he felt like that’s what Jude wanted not what he wanted. He was doing what he thought made Jude happy. He found someone that acceptable him with all his flaws.i think when jude said “ your one of the most messed up person I know” i think that relieved zero because he now knows that Jude understands he’s messed up and accepts him as is.

Now to the proposal I think it was the straw that broke the latest mask. It already had a crack from Jude getting him to smash his old house. Because after that he lost his cool again . Gone was calm zero welcome to angry zero.

Jude was pushing for more then what he was willing to do to keep him happy. Now lets throw is his family issues . Zero learned that if someone loves you they are going to to leave or hurt you. You never know he could have thought this is too good to be true so the self destructive (why would a wealth good looking guy need to pay for sex)let me hurt you before you can hurt me first. Maybe he felt like he was getting too close to jude and from his back ground he learned that things are going to go south so. So he freaks at the proposal and leaves because that broke the mash and he felt he had to leave.

I’m not saying he never loved him but he loved him in his own way and all of his self worth issue popped up (hiding behind the bleached head and the fake name)and you never know maybe he felt like he wasn’t good enough for Jude and he left him.

Behind the blond hair there is a man with a lot of issues and I think zero knows he a hot mess and that’s why he doesn’t do relationships . Over all I don’t think he wants to hurt anyone it’s just in his own messed up view did what he though he he had to to do. Like everything else he didn’t lie. Just my thoughts that he will never stayin a relationship until he see a therapist

Sorry its long and might be a a littlejumble. But these are my thoughts s

#zude hitthefloor jude zero thoughts

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edwardnashtons · 6 years

Note

Hello! Can I babble about the van dahls/the bit with the sister and Oswald? I wasnt sure if the show meant for us to think her seduction attempts were funny? I always thought it was creepy--when I saw him being pinned down I freaked (being a disabled person myself I would definitely NOT be able to get out of that smoothly, if at all so that's where my brain went) Oswald's a murderous sociopath who resorts to cannibalism so I know its silly/overly sensitive but it rubbed me the wrong way! :/

I think Gotham plays a lot of things strangely for me. That scene was played as humorous but Oswald was in a very vulnerable state and was not himself so it came off as super predatory to me and I was really skeeved. He’s not the murderous cannibal at that moment, he’s someone who’s been through extreme psychological trauma and torture, and has just found this family he barely knows. He’s not really stable is his position yet and the power dynamic there is really gross.

Also, while Oswald is disabled, it has never prevented him from doing anything he needs to do, so that wasn’t a concern of mine. I was sure he could get away physically, but then again I’m not as badly disabled as him and so I don’t relate on that level. I just know that it’s never impacted him when he needed to perform physical feats in the past. I was more concerned about his emotional vulnerability. I mean for all intents and purposes this is his sister, and who is he going to tell? It’s so creepy. I just… bleh. I get shivers.

Another scene that was super dissonant for me was the Ed/Isabella scene. It was played as romantic, but he’s literally being plagued by hallucinations of his dead girlfriend, is extremely frightened of hurting her… just in an all around super vulnerable position psychologically and emotionally, and what does she do? Dress up as his dead girlfriend, physically stop him from trying to leave by putting her hands on him and dragging him back into the room, slap him, and put his hands on her throat. Literally making him relive the worst moment of his life with no warning and no actually capability to deal with him if something goes wrong and he dissociates or breaks down. She’s a librarian, not a therapist. Coming from anyone who is not a professional in exposure therapy, working with the consent of the client, this kind of behavior is blatant emotional manipulation, is ABUSIVE, and is FUCKED UP.

So yeah, Gotham has played some pretty fucked up things for laughs or as something else they aren’t. That’s the nature of media though, it’s hit or miss. Some people saw Oswald’s situation as funny, others saw Ed’s encounter as romantic. It’s our interpretation, which stems from perceptions that are shaped by our personal experiences. It’s an interesting phenomenon, but it does alert us to how harmful some things could be when others don’t see it that way at all.

For example, if we swap the genders in both scenes, they become utterly horrifying. I doubt that anyone would be unable to see how scary that situation would be. But because they’re men, we don’t really view the interaction as being as serious. Which is a whole nother problem in addition to the concern regarding media reinforcement of sexually predatory behaviors… Anyways, I got a lot of thoughts on this lmao. Perception is a cool thing to think about, but it’s also more frighting the deeper you start to think about things.

This turned into an essay!!! I’m so sorry. Guess who ended up babbling….

#???#no idea #anon #ask post #meta #gotham meta

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redrosella · 6 years

Text

Blank

Summary: The seconds were moving too fast and Blank couldn't keep up with them. He was being swept up in the current of time and he was going to drown before he could ever find his way to the surface.

Warnings: Explicit description of OCD thoughts, panic attacks, and existentialism. Please be safe if you have OCD and are triggered by these things.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14147814

Author’s Note: This is pretty much a vent fic for me because OCD has been kicking my ass lately, so I decided to do what I always do and project my suffering onto other people's characters!

Note this is not the common depiction of OCD. What is described in this fic is actually Pure-O OCD, a subset of OCD where the compulsions are not physical, and the obsessions are typically centered around yourself and your thoughts. If you have any questions about OCD and such, please just ask me. I know there's a lot of misinformation out there, and part of why I write fics addressing stuff like this is to get the information out there in a way that is easily understood.

Read Below The Cut!

Time.

Time was ticking by fast. Too fast.

The ticking of the clock was a constant piercing noise, marking out each second that went by far too quickly. The hands wound around just like they were made to do. The hour hand moving ever so slightly every rotation. The minute hand ticking away slowly. The red second hand never stopping for anything, spending it’s life winding around and around.

Blank stared at the clock, counting out the seconds. Testing them. They felt like they were going by too quickly. Precious seconds melting away, slipping through his fingers like water. Everything was rushing by, and he felt a drive to do something. Anything.

But he couldn’t.

The seconds were just going by too fast, and he couldn’t keep up.

He didn’t know what he was doing. What he wanted to do. Everything seemed to have just stagnated in his life, and yet time still kept moving on forward without him, like a current pushing you forward when really all you wanted to do was stay in the same place.

He counted out the seconds again.

Still too fast.

His thoughts were racing a mile a minute. Nothing made sense. It seemed like they were all piling up, crashing into one another and never giving him a reprieve. Every time he tried to reason with himself, something else inevitably intruded his thoughts and created a whole nother spiral. There was simply no end.

He tried to focus on the seconds.

They were muddled, trailing together, jumping ahead in leaps and bounds.

His thoughts screamed at him that he was useless just wallowing here. He wasn’t getting anything done. He was wasting what precious time he had- seconds he could never get back.

But he needed to count them out. Make sure they were all still moving at the same rate, even if it just made it worse in the long run. He shouldn’t, but he still wanted to.

He still wanted to.

He just wanted the thoughts to stop.

Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he get stuck? No one else got into these awful spirals where all they could think about was their impending doom- something that felt so far off and mysterious and yet so close. None of them were worried about time. The time they had left. The time they were using up. The time they were wasting. It was like they didn’t understand that their time was running out.

He wished he could be that blissfully ignorant.

Because he was aware, it was all he could think about. And because it was all he could think about, it was causing him to lose time. And that lost time made him aware that time was running out, and the spiral just continued and continued and continued and continued-

There was no end.

Blank counted the seconds.

Two thousand eighty one… Two thousand eighty two… Two thousand eighty three…

Three seconds gone.

Two thousand eighty four… Two thousand eighty five… Two thousand eighty six…

Six seconds wasted.

Two thousand eighty seven… Two thousand eighty eight… Two thousand eighty nine…

Useless. Idiotic. Why couldn’t he STOP!

He just wanted it to stop. But it wouldn’t.

His logic was faulty, he knew that. He knew that counting the time did nothing. Every second was the same, no matter what he thought. That was just how the world worked. It was math. Nothing can change that.

He knew that time wasn’t running out. There were 2,522,880,000 seconds in the average human lifespan. He had added it up himself, checking the numbers over and over. Anything to get reassurance. He wasn’t a human, but it was as close as he was going to get, so he would take it. It still didn’t get rid of the fear that every second was ticking closer to death, though. Every second he could be doing something. Finding his purpose. Doing something… anything.

He counted the seconds.

He stayed there staring at the clock, counting the seconds and contemplating his existence for four thousand six hundred and eighty three seconds before-

“Blank? Blank, can you come back to us?” A hand rested on his shoulder. His counting faltered. Time passed that he didn’t count and oh god what number was he at? What was the time? He didn’t know any more.

He took in a deep breath, then another, his breathing getting more and more ragged with each breath. The counting was the only thing keeping him at least somewhat stable and preventing the dam from breaking, and now he didn’t even have that. Instead he has this constriction tightening his chest, making his breathing difficult. Tears rushing to his eyes without anything to keep them at bay.

“Blank,” the voice spoke again. The hand on his shoulder moved him, corraling him closer until he could feel arms around his shoulders, holding him close.

Blank shook his head, burying his face deep into the person’s clothes. He knew it had to be a Markiplier ego because of the voice, but other than that he was lost. It didn’t really matter, though. All that mattered was that time was still passing but he didn’t know how much, and his thoughts were too scattered to start counting again.

He was shaking, but he tried to focus on the warm hand slowly rubbing his back.

“That’s it, Blank. Breathe. In and out. Count in for- wait no, shit, don’t do that. Just focus on my breathing, alright?”

The Iplier ego’s breath was steady, a constant tempo that was easy to hone in on and slowly mimic. In and out. In and out. All the while, the person was whispering comforting words to him, slowly coaxing him back to reality.

It took a long while- he didn’t know how long without the seconds- but his thoughts finally began to clear up, and it was no longer a chore to simply breath.

Blank carefully pulled back from the ego, not wanting to disturb them or the peace, but needing some space. Now that he was out of the hold, he could see who it was.

...Of course it was Bim. Just like the last however many times. The ego just seemed to have a sense for whenever he was in distress, always ready to drop everything to help him out.

“Are you doing okay, Blank?” Bim asked, his face twisted in worry.

Blank looked down, his heart constricting at the idea that he had caused his friend such distress just because he was being a stupid idiot who couldn’t get out of his own head. He nodded minisculely in response to Bim’s question.

“Can you move?”

Blank shrugged. He felt shaky and tired, but if Bim wanted him to move it was probably for a good reason. He trusted the ego’s judgement, and they had already been through this song and dance routine before, so it wasn’t like he was throwing any curveballs at him.

“Let’s get you to Dr. Plier. It’s going to be okay, Blank.”

Slowly they both stood up, Bim helping Blank to his feet and supporting his weight as they walked down to the therapist’s office, no more words being exchanged.

-----

Bim closed the door to Dr. Plier’s office behind him, letting out a sigh. He knew it was best to leave Dr. Plier and Blank alone to talk, but it still felt wrong to him to just leave the young ego in there after such a long panic attack without any kind of backup.

“Is Blank doing acceptable?”

Bim jumped, standing up straighter as he realized there was another person standing in the hallway, waiting with folded arms folded for him. He relaxed slightly when he realized who it was, running a hand down his face. “I… I don’t know, Dark. This is his fourth panic attack this week. He was just staring at a wall, listening to the clock. This isn’t healthy, but I’m pretty sure that this is an intrinsic part of his character design, and there might not be a lot we can do about it...”

Dark paused, looking deep in thought for a minute before clearing his throat and saying, “...I want all non digital clocks out of here by next week. Nothing that counts seconds is allowed in this house.” He looked down at his wrist, unclasping the watch held there and letting it slide off into his other hand. “That means watches too. Is that clear?”

Bim frowned. “I’m not sure if that will help, Dark. It’s… it’s more than just the clocks. I don’t understand it, but it’s seems like it more about the time the clock keeps, rather than the clock itself from what I can gather.”

“I don’t care. If clocks are one of his triggers to start doing that, then I’m not taking any chances, and that’s final.”

Bim looked Dark in the eyes, trying to assess what he was really saying. Bim had never seen the ego do anything out of pure kindness, his actions always having to have some kind of second motive to them, so obviously there was some reason why he wanted to keep Blank mentally stable. Dark was as closed off as ever though, and it was impossible to tell what he was really thinking.

Thankfully, Dark seemed to understand what Bim was asking. “We can’t have him indisposed for long amounts of time like that. He’s too important.” Bim furrowed his brow. His words didn’t seem like like truth, even though it was a classic Dark motive. There was something he wasn’t saying. Bim wanted to pry more, but Dark cut him off before he could get any more words in. “Now get rid of those clocks. I don’t want to see a single one in this house by next week.” “The others will be annoyed, though-”

“They’ll get over it just like they got over the mirror ban.”

Bim nodded reluctantly, leaving Dark without another word. This wasn’t an issue he could push without ending up lying in a ditch. He just had to break the news to the egos of another seemingly inane ban on a common item, it seemed.

#markiplier fanfiction #crankgameplays fanfiction #blankgameplays #crankgameplays #redrosellawriting #bim trimmer #darkiplier

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okgoldendoll · 3 years

Text

I've been saying for months that I need a journal. A place to place my thoughts and share my days. A way to reflect, release and remember. With that said I guess I'll start today March 4, 2021. Also seeing as I don't have a journal I'll just post here for now. Lol it's not like anyone will read it anways. Grammar, punctuation will not be taken into consideration in these journal posts. I just gotta get this shit out as fast as possible.

It's 11:24pm at night, I just got of the phone with my partner. A few hours prior I was on the phone with my therapist, confidant aka R. We spoke about asking probing questions, intensional questions, and the importance of communication in a relationship. We also spoke about a goal I had set to do better at reaching out to my friends. Anways during this conversation I asked R for her take on what's a consider to be something lacking in my romantic relationship, communication.

This was something that weighed heavily on my mind at the start of my relationship. In that communication, banter, feelings sharing ect is and has always been extremely important to me. Most relationships I treasure the most are with those I feel I can have deep and meaningful conversation with. But I felt that was something I wanted and have continuesly wanted to cultivate in the relationship I'm in at the moment. I often found and was deeply crushed when my attempts to foster such a relationship was met with resistance and being accused of being argumentative. This cut deeply because that has never been my intention. After speaking with R she advised me that is communication is something I feelmis lacking them I should let my partner know that I value and want to hear there opinions. Inspired by her advised I tried this an hour later in conversation. Least be said the response I got was startlingly painful. I could just be overly sensitive but knowing who I am I doubt that. I started of the conversation by talking about the conversation I had with Rana on how much communication is important to me. Then lead into adding that I would love to hear his opinion more often. And that if he's shy it's alright. Essential I think I was just pushing to get an understanding of why it's usually just me talking. He said that he doesn't like over the phone conversation. Which is fair but in that same token he's just as combative when it comes to deep conversation in person but that's a whole nother story. I assured him that yes I understand his not liking phone conversations but I reconfirmed that I'm not a probing person and in loving him I just want to get his insite and opinions on topics. He got frustrated on told me he's not like me and can't speak for hours about one topic or the same topic over and over. He said that's he doesn't have an opinion to share on the topics I bring up because they're girly/girl topics and he has nothing to say about them. I was BAFFLED you would think I was speaking to him about periods or makeup or something. I was literally stunned into silence because my instant reaction was to be combative and as how what I talked about is a gendered topic. I had literally spoke to him about wanting to have a calendar, becoming better at reaching out to people, goal setting, I spoke to home about communication, and lastly about the delay Sebastian cousin situation. So you can image how confused I was to be told these are considered girl topics. Then we went on to say he has no opinions about any of those things and those are things I'd talk to my girls about. I was actually so upset. He then said when I called you I just wanted to say hi I didn't think you'd want to talk for ages. So I took that as in I don't want to talk to you. So I said to that. Oh so you didn't want to talk to me? And he said no I do but I was in the middle of a game with my boys and I just wanted to say hi. I think I realized at this point that being hurt by the whole situation would literally just escalate things so I was silent for a bit collected myself and clarified that all I wanted was to let him know that if love to hear his thoughts and opinions more often. I didn't expect him to have something to say about everything but that id just like to have or hear him speaking more often rather than it just be me talking all the time for ages. Journal sometimes it can feel like I'm talking to myself, what a scary thought to speak to someone for hours only to come from the conversation having received notbibg from them. I might as well just record myself talking.

Anyways the conversation ended amicably. But I'm still stunned from the shock disappointment I left with. In hindsight it could just be bad timing I was looking for a conversation of merit in a moment where someone didn't have the time or patients to do so. Or is this something bigger than that. For months of carried the idea I'm my heart that something is lacking in this relationship. As much as I can love someone what are the things I need and desire in a relationship that I can do without. Communication has always been one of this things but I never appreciate the importance because with past relationships is was just a natural and free flowing chasm. I've never felt dissatisfaction in my partner's ability to communicate. And it's odd because I feel upset for finding fault in this because he's perfect in so many other ways. Also I should note when I say lacking in communication I don't mean in not contacting. He is never lets a day go by where he doesn't speak to me. What I mean is I find what lacks is deep meaningful conversations. The conversation that have you feeling like you bared your soul to another human being and they saw you, understood you. Those conversations that begin at dusk and carry on until dawn. The conversation that lead you through the past, present and future experience with someone. That leaves you feeling like youve been heard and understood in ways that you've never been understood it heard nefoy. I don't know if you can understand or if you've ever felt it but moments like that...they just leave you

Feeling that you found your other half.

The all incompusing dissapointment that moments like today leave with could make me cry. I fighting with the idea that not everyone is like you. Perhaps some people are just who they are and it's only you who desires to love in such away. But if that be the case then does that mean I need to find someone who fulfills this desire. Based on past experiences I know there are men who have never led me to feel such a lacking in our relationships. I also wonder am I not being patient or understanding enough. Is this a guy think, is it hyper masculinity, is it just a lack of skill...is this something that can be worked on.if it is something that. An be worked on do I want to stay and work on this. Do all the other amazing things I love about this man outway this desire. I'm not sure if it's even a desire I believe this is something I ABSOLUTELY MUST have in a relationship. Soni see myself having the ability to continue and faster a strong loving relationship if I don't feel the person I love communicated in a ways that I understand and in the same way that I communicate.

Oh my gosh yes that what it is! It's like we're speaking to different languages. And the more I try to communicate and get my words accross I'm met with frustration, anger and dismissal. How much more dismissal can I take...

I previously let it go with the thought oh well some people are just not good at conversations but as long as I live them and they are amazing in other ways I thought it would be enough. But slowly the desire to have shared deep and meaningful conversation returns because that's just who I am and everytime I'm always left feeling an empty feeling that something is t right something is lacking. And it genuinely breaks my heart.

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birdie7272 · 3 years

Text

Life.

The short version. Very to the point.

haha. I’m not capable. This was as short as I could go.

TL;DR at the bottom

Nov 2019 - I was passed over for a promotion by someone who had been working there a lot less time than me and less qualified. Why? Diversity. They needed a man to be manager. Also because one of the other managers, someone who I had believed to be my friend, took things I said outside of work when we were drinking in her apartment -misunderstood venting for actual complaints- and spread horrible HORRIBLE rumors about me to the staff and my boss’ boss. For her, this was nothing. She never saw complaining about me to the staff as an issue (thinking venting and rumours were different). To this day she does not understand how much the staff love her and will do ANYTHING for her. If she hates someone, EVERYONE hates that person.

Hate being a strong word. She didn’t hate me. We just didn’t vibe. Different styles of managing/different personalities. She manages by being friends with the staff under her. It works for her but it is dangerous. Such as calling me such a bitch. Everyone now thinks I am a bitch. Even if they know me better or do not know me at all.

To give you an idea. After this hand happened, months after, she came to me crying because she didn’t understand what happened between us. She thought I was one of her closest friends. Yeah. She talked shit about me but she thought that was fine. I thought she was my closest too. Owch all around. Spoiler: we talk it out but we dont’ go back to being friends.

Dec 2019 - I am then moved to work under the man promoted over me. At the store the former friend/manager JUST moved out of. AKA I moved to the store with a staff full of people who HATED ME. And they were not afraid to let me know it.

The manager knows how upset I am, vows to try and make me as happy working under him as possible. I don’t blame him. He wanted a promotion. He took the opportunity. He says he’ll try and get the staff on my side.

2020 - I become friends with this manager. We talk about everything. We only hang out at work but due to COVID we are the only two people. Everyone else laid off. We become very close. We don’t want to mix seeing each other outside of work with work and that’s fine with me!

Safe topics for him are sex and drugs and those taboo topics that make you feel close to someone. Politics, gay rights, woman’s rights, poc rights. Food, cleaning, blah blah. You get it.

When it comes to work tho. I’m not happy. I was promised (as much as one can) that I would be the manager of the next store opening Summer 2020. I find out through someone else (not my boss or my boss’ boss) that this store is not opening due to COVID.

My depression has always been something I battle. December was rough. Then with COVID and learning my promotion was not going to happen this year (my boss’ boss asking me to stick it out b/c who knew what would happen?). My thoughts go to self harm and suicide. Never would I do it. But I have reoccurring fantasies of other people doing it for me (car crash, work injury, etc).

My depression gets really really really bad. The worst its been in 5 years. I go to work, come home, go to bed. That’s all. I can’t do anything else. For a weeks on weeks.

I have a partner. He has been bless to not have to deal with someone like me before or deal with this state himself. Which is great in a way. We can’t be mad at people for not feeling our misery. However, it does mean he does not know how to help me. He tries his best but... well. You know.

I opened up to my boss about it. My boyfriend did not know about my suicidal thoughts, but he did. Just to let you know how close I was to him.

June 2020- I apply for a new job. Clearly I need a change. My boss offers up his recommendation if I need it.

I don’t get it b/c I put my foot in my mouth during the interview. I accidentally let them know I was leaving, basically, because I was promised a promotion (twice now) and did not get it b/c of COIVD. (I didn’t mention it was twice and that the first time was b/c of rumours from a misunderstanding with a friend at work situation). The interviewer was not happy with that! “We don’t know if a manager spot will be available next year. How do I know you won’t just leave here?” -- fair. But I couldn’t exactly tell her the real reasons!

I talk to my boss’ boss to let her know how I’ve been feeling. Roughly. Mostly just that I feel like I don’t have a future at the company. She’s upset. She never meant to make me feel that way. We restart the plan to make me manager next.

This is when I start to realize my relationship with my boss (the man) is not working. We’re friends, sure. But I realize that every time I try and talk to him about managing/improving the store/ways to improve sales/ WORK stuff.... he does not want to talk about it. Any idea I have gets shot down and his reason is “our store is fine”. Yes. It was fine. But it could be great! I want it to be great.

Every time I’ve asked him for feedback on my job performance, he says I’m doing everything great. That he doesn’t know what those rumours about me being a bitch were about. I’m great at my job and am doing a great job and should keep it up!

I feel re-inspired. I’m talking to a therapist again. I have my boss’ boss supporting me for my promotion (only between me and one other woman -outside hire but she does have more retail and managing experience than me so tough competition). And most of the staff who hated me are gone. Turnover high due to COVID and also b/c the company was bought out a year before and people no longer stick around since they went corporate.

I am much more productive at work! I start going back to managing more. Competitions, fun stuff, new ideas, more productive learnings, etc. The new staff and I get along great. Lots of work done!

Which is when I realize exactly how much I”m doing. I’m doing my boss’ job. All of it. Stuff I don’t need to do. I have been all year. I know it was because I was a ‘manager in training’. But I’ve already learned how to do operational stuff. I’m doing his job. What is he doing?? Wow. I realize he’s not doing anything. Even managing the staff. I’m the one coaching and motivating and giving feedback. When I’m not around, the staff tells me he does nothing. When I am there, he’s asking me what he should be doing. He refers to me as the ‘real’ manager and that he’s just the face. ALL THE TIME. I suddenly realize (thank you therapy and unbiased pov) that this has been our dynamic since I moved under him.

Why do I Let him do this? We’re friends. I forgive him. He has anxiety. He’s threatened by me. He knows I could do his job. He wants to keep me happy so he doesn’t lose me because I’m the one doing his job! Of course. Well I love the job so I can keep doing it, right?

Ignore the fact that he makes 10,000 more a year than me. I’m getting that promotion next so. My boss’ boss -in a talk with her and my boss- tells me that I am 100% the next manager according to her. Yup! It’s FINEEEEEEeeeeeeee.....

Then. He talks about MY sex life to one of the staff. One of the new girls that works under me.

My sex life is a whole ‘nother thing. It does not exist. He doesn’t understand that. I don’t understand it either. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years but we haven’t had sex since... six months into the relationship. It’s why I opened up to him about it. That’s actually something I really need to find someone to talk to about so... will do that at some point! sure.

NOT COOL. I found out about this through deductive reasoning actually. The coworker asked me about my sex life which I NEVER brought up to her before. She asked me if I even had sex. NO ONE would ask me that. EVER. I’m not a bitch but I am a bit of a hardass. No one would ask me that out of the blue.

Then my boss said something about regretting what he says when his anxiety makes him panic. Okay. Yup. I can put two and two together.

I wait.

He comes to me a few days later and admits what he did. I told him I already had forgiven him because I did. His anxiety is bad. I get it.

I thought I did. But he did exactly what the other manager did back in 2019. Made me feel like I could open up and then gossiped about me to the staff. Worse, he knew that’s what happened before. He saw me crying for weeks over it. He was my shoulder to cry on about it. Now he did it to me.

I’m suddenly no longer cool with being friends and doing his job. What am I getting out of this?

Sept 2020 - I go to another manager for advice. She’s older, mature, and is not my manger’s boss so she can’t get him in trouble. She tells me this is so NOT OKAY and that I should have come out with this stuff much sooner and that I need to talk to our boss. My boss’ boss. The one that’s been working with me. We have a great relationship. She’s my boss’ boss but she won’t just fire him or tell him I went to her about this.

I ask her for a call, she’s busy, so she calls me when I’m next working. Same day I’m working with my boss. He -being paranoid and anxiety ridden- freaks out when I take the call in the office. He keeps coming back, as does the other employee (Same one he gossiped to). I get frustrated and half tell my boss what’s going on -it’s messy and not at all how I planned to talk to her- but I get the main points out. My boss fucked up not only with that gossip but in some other ways that affect the company and I can’t keep pretending everything is fine. I don’t want him fired or anything but I know he can do better and I want to help. This is all true too! B/c while I”m hurt I do understand and I do want him to do better. I want his job and I hate watching someone do the job I love and not give a shit but I don’t want it b/c I get him fired. WHELP. One of those times he came back to the office, he called his phone via his smartwatch and listened to my half of the messy convo from the bathroom.

I have the real convo in my car during my lunch break, pretending to call my mom. He says some stuff to me that makes it apparent he was eavesdropping.

We have a big talk. I tell him exactly what I want. I want to take a step back from doing his job because I have been doing it. I want to give him the chance to actually manage. Tell me what to do. Anything you want, I will do it. But I also want to take a step back from being friends. Trust broken. He’s upset. We’re both crying. He wants to make it up to me. Hates breaking my trust and what we had. I say it’s not forever but I just need to get back to that point. We can be friends again.

Things are a bit messy at first. I hate being unproductive at work. I know how much there is to do. But I can do it!

He cannot. He freaks out at how much his job actually entails. I didn’t know it yet but he was already looking for a new job. We have some disagreements and it’s odd to not talk about our personal lives but we make it work. A bit awkward but that’s okay. I work on other projects and he takes over operations again.

Fri - Then he puts in his two weeks. I am genuinely upset because we are friends! And we’ve been working in each other’s laps almost a year. He gets a job that he loves tho and he says I’ll be getting his so everyone is happy!

Sat - We talk about the next steps. I tell him I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him out but I want his advice on the transition b/c I respect his opinion. He says he knows/he’s fine with it. We talk about being friends/hanging out when he’s at his new job. He says he’ll do everything to ensure I’m the next manager.

Tue- I come into work unhappy but try to be happy. There was a holiday manger call and I’m concerned b/c I wasn’t on it. However my boss’ boss told me she already put my name in for the promotion and all it needed was a stamp of approval. She told me that as long as nothing dramatic happened, I would get it. Told my boss this and he was supportive. We talked about one of the new girls’ training and I mentioned I wanted to take it over. My boss was unhappy about this (he loves training) but he was leaving and he knew it. I take over the call b/c he has it on his phone on earbuds. However he’s texting his boyfriend angrily. I can sense he was upset by this but based on saturday’s convo I know he’ll remember and be fine. I plan to talk to him before he leaves but give him some space.

The power goes out. The call is cut off for us. I make calls and set up the backup program while he goes out for a smoke. He comes in and leaves and comes in and leaves. I think nothing of it b/c that’s what he does when he’s angry or anxious.

I deal with some customers and then we’re dead so I go to the office. His keys are on the table.

I walk to the backdoor. I see him in his car. He sees me. He peels out of the parking lot.

I call my boss’ boss. He emailed her. Said that I was a horrible person, awful to work with, and should not be made manager. He attaches something I emailed him back in January 2020. A profile I wrote on one of our employees. He thought it was proof of how horrible a person I was. (it was not bad. Even my boss’ boss said it was fine. It read like a FBI profile.) He claimed I wrote these on everyone and kept them in a file. Really, that one I wrote and emailed him b/c I was so upset over what happened in nov/dec 2019 because I felt like people didn’t understand me when I spoke. That my brain worked differently. He asked what I meant and when I said it was like a profile he didn’t understand and HE ASKED ME to write it down.

So my boss’ boss things this is bs to me but she still has to forward it to her boss. B/c they had an employee not fill out his two weeks. That’s bad for him and the company. Ppwk. Stats. That sort of thing.

I check social media. He’s blocked me on all accounts.

I cannot express how confused and hurt I was. We were friends. I KNOW we were friends. I know he had anxiety. I know why he acted the way he did with me. But no one in my life had actively tried to hurt me so purposefully before.

That whole ‘as long as nothing drastic happens’. Yup. My -well- she’s now my boss- let’s me know. That was it. I’m not getting the promotion. This email combined with the gossip about me from 2019 and the fact that I am very vocal when it comes to worker’s rights. Yup.

Ask anyone I worked with. They LOVED me. I still feel like telling this pOV I come out looking like a bitch or something. I cannot express how much I loved my job and had fun and how much my employees loved me. When they found out I didn’t get it- I had multiple people from multiple locations threaten to strike. Literally, strike. They meant it too.

Yeah, god my ego. But it’s true.

They offer to allow me to manage the store until they can hire someone else. So they are okay with me short term, but not long term. I ask if I do a good enough job if they would promote me instead of hire someone else. Like a trial. NOPE. I ask if I could have some sort of development plan to ensure I actually do get the promotion I was promised three times now. NOPE. There is literally nothing else for me to work on. I’m ready. This email from my closest friend just cost me.

I think long and hard, talk to my therapist (Second one this year). I decide to quit. I put in my three weeks notice and work it out till the end. I deal with many a phone call with people who are upset at me leaving and customers who are very upset to see me go. There was a lot of crying for a month.

Nope. didn’t have another job lined up. Couldn’t keep working at a place I loved when they didn’t want me. Couldn’t watch someone else do the job I loved.

They offered me a raise they offered me an extended vacation to come back.

I couldn’t do it.

They wanted an outside hire. They spent all 3 weeks trying to find one but they couldn’t. Rather than ask me to stay on as manager, they asked that other associate (the one with more managing experience) to do it. The one with all the complaints from customers and transphobic/racist complaints from associates. Yup. That one.

Now my parents were some of the people I talked to. My parents and I have a complicated and distant relationship. However, one hold they have over me is money. I hadn’t seen them in over a year. They wanted to see me despite it being COVID peak in November. I agree as long as I quarantine. I was hurting so much I just wanted a break. I wanted to get away.

My last week my dad texts me. My childhood dog was not doing well. He was having her put down that day. A week before I was about to go home. She was my dog.

I deal with a lot of tears and a wonderful shower of gifts and visits. I’m crying now. Damn.

And then I leave and go to my parents’ house. I didn’t realize how bad COVID was b/c I don’t watch the news. I also didn’t think it thru. My parents have never been there for me emotionally. NEVER. I stupidly thought they would step up their game b/c of how fucking awful my life was. Yeah. no. It was like I was transported back to my teenage self. Only this time, everyone is home 24/7. Now retired, my dad is always there. My mom works from home b/c of covid. Her office is the only secluded room. I am around them always.

Tough convos like; You don’t like us do you? and So you’ll never come home again, huh? GREAT.

Oh. And I lost my thearpist when I lost my insurance.

My boyfriend really does try. But he’s not good emotionally either.

It’s a fucked up mess all around.

Anyway. Unemployed. Figuring shit out. I am still unemployed b/c I can’t look at getting a job. I’m actually starting a blog and a podcast and a youtube channel. It’s the same passion as this job was. Only now I’m doing it myself. It’s a lot of work and will hopefully launch soon but I am drowning in bills. The reason I went to my parents was so that if I need their financial support I will still have it (amongst the naive idea that they would help me). So I won’t go homeless. I am blessed with my boyfriend having a job. I won’t go hungry or homeless. But my mental health is.... yeah. I’m in a panic over a timeline that doesn’t exist.

Yeah. I’m gonna throw up if I talk more about it.

YES THIS WAS THE SHORT VERSION. hahaha

TLDR: My closest friend cost me a promotion at my absolute favorite job I’ve ever had. I quit the job I love. My dog died. I spent two weeks with my emotionally abusive parents. My boyfriend tries but... it’s not good enough and that makes me feel worse. I’m unemployed and starting a blog.

#tw #my life #vent #rant #complaint #whatever #really just looking for understanding from people who know what it feels like #not only the betrayal and hurt #but the depression on top #people who i know know how this actually feels #not the fake 'i can imagine'#a;lsdkjfa[oewitujagkld

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anna1795-blog · 7 years

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My Lump Review of “Transformers: Lost Light” so far

So, remember a few weeks back when I said that I’d be doing some lightning-round reviews of the Lost Light and (maybe) Till All are One comic lines issues that I’d read leading up to LL#5? And how LL#6 just came out this morning? Well, I’ve come across a little problem...I am having difficulty being invested with “Transformers: Lost Light” as it is right now.

*SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT*

What can’t I get invested in? The stories that Lost Light is telling so far.

I love James Roberts as an author. I think he’s creative, imaginative, and manages to turn some common comic and literary tropes on their head. I was completely immersed in the world that he crafted in MTMTE. I fell in love with the characters (well, most of them), the worlds, the smaller plots that were going on between characters. It was a character focused expanded narrative that left me wanting more because of flushed out, detailed characters (extended thanks to Alex Milne for lineart and his entire lettering and coloring team).

Now, I came across my investment issue with Lost Light when a friend asked me today: “Why don’t you talk about the Transformers comics much anymore?” So, I talked about the latest run by JRo, and he seemed interested and asked about the story.

Well, here’s my first problem: We have six issues of the comic line so far, yeah? A slightly longer first issue to set the scene, tell us the new world that our wayward mutinees have been blasted into, but most of the other issues last about 27-30 pages. Now, what’re the stories? The operative context being there’s more than one.

I’ve counted at least seven (six with one subplot, which I rounded up to seven). Let’s count them out, shall we?

1.) New Team Rodimus have been teleported onto an alternate, Functionist Cybertron that was teased at back in MTMTE. They need to get home without being captured by the Functionist Council, and they’ve been roped into assisting a ragtag resistance that needs to stop the Functionists from expanding their doctrine beyond Cybertron and eliminating races and planets that fall outside of their Grand Taxonomy with Unicron Jr. (I know it’s really Luna 2, but its functions remind me of Unicron from the 1984 movie, so Luna 2= Unicron Jr.)

Does that seem like a lot? That’s story 1. Here’s the subplot/story 2.

2.) Terminus thinks that Megatron should stay on Functionist Cybertron and abandon Rodimus if it means not having to face the Knights of Cybertron and the possibility of execution, but Megatron is conflicted. On the one hand, this world needs someone like him to fight the good fight. On the other, he feels that he needs to answer for his crimes that he committed during the war. And by the end of LL#6, that decision is made for him, not by him (infuriatingly enough).

Let’s keep going on this pain train, folks!

3.) A flunkie from someplace on Caminus (I think? I can’t really explain how Nautica and Velocity know her otherwise), Anode, was on Luna 2 in Normal Cybertron ‘verse with her pal Lug, and they were picked up by the Necrobot before they could become putty sometime during the War (I think?). Only, Anode was the only one to be picked up, but we don’t realize until issue 5/6 that the Lug that she was talking to was actually a hallucination brought about by her being in a coma, and that her friend died back on Luna 2 before the Necrobot could get her.

3a.) Anode has a protoform star (or something) that is very valuable because you can take a Cybertronian’s spark energy and warp the sentio metallico around it in order to create a new bot? That’s what my understanding is, and I could very well be wrong. Anyways, Anode is also carrying some baggage with her from something bad that happened on Caminus, but then she’s gonna take her protoform star and resurrect her dead friend!

4.) There are a bunch of Autobots and Decepticons from the past who were bamfed to the (now alternate) present by the Necrobot, and the War that they were committed to is now over. What are they going to do now? Who are these ‘bots? How are they going to get along with the rest of the team? Well, aside from Roller and Anode, we get very little exposure to the rest of them.

5.) Rodimus has a massive revenge boner for Getaway and the other mutineers on the titular Lost Light, and he’s converted to Spectralism almost entirely and redone his paint in order to commit to getting his (actually Drift’s) ship back. Also, Rodimus is a lot angrier now than before. I know that you got marooned on a hollow planet, bud, but did you need to deck Functionist Rung in the cheek? Seriously?

6.) Drift had a vision of the future where he, Rodimus, and Grimlock were facing down Pharma, a butt ton of spark-eaters, and I think the Lost Light was in that image, too? And Ratchet is worried about him (which is nice), but...when is it gonna come up again?

(As an aside, in LL#5 when Rung mentions how he can create crystals and was blackmailed by the Council to create so many of them, Drift mentioned that there were crystals in his vision...WHERE?!?! DID WE SEE THEM?! I saw it was raining...was it raining Crystals? Then why did their impact look like liquid? This really bothered me!)

7.) Both Rungs that we see are facing their own crisis regarding their function. Normal Rung doesn’t know what to do now that he resigned from being a psychiatrist/therapist. Functionist Rung wants to take down the Functionist Council and destroy Luna 2 (which Rodimus and Co. need to get home) And...blurble blurble something something Functionist Rung dies.

And that’s from what I can remember from the six issues so far! For all I know, I’ve missed something! Did I remember Tailgate and Cyclonus and Whirl? Swerve and Ten and Brainstorm? I almost forgot them!

Almost ten different stories! In six issues! And which character are we supposed to focus on?! Which place should we prefer?

And I think that might be one of the issues. It feels like we’ve gone from a character-focused narrative to a setting-focused narrative, or some weird hybrid of the two. This wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, but when you have a medium such as a comic book, the space and time you’re working with is limited. If Drift saw crystals in his prophetic vision, were they off-panel from what we could see? Maybe, but we should’ve seen them if they were important to his vision? How close or far away is the Necroworld from Functionist Cybertron? Is this going to impact the away team’s ability to get back home if they don’t take the Luna 2 transporter? Will the fact that there are two Anodes in the same universe now impact what’ll happen to them? Everything’s taking place in a Functionist Universe with a bunch of bots who don’t belong there, but...that’s about it.

I think the only people I felt invested for the entire story thus far are Megatron and Drift. Drift seems to have taken over for Magnus/Minimus as Rodimus’ minder when they’re out to go fight things, since he’s gotten very protective and knife-y whenever seeing Rodimus in danger. Megatron’s coming back into his element by coordinating a charge against the Functionists, pulling in from his millenia of warfare and steadfast leadership. But everyone else feels really bland or, in the case of Rodimus, much more negative to be bordering on unpleasant.

I really want for this series to work out. I notice that similar issues regarding too many story lines in too short a time are coming up within ‘Till All are One’ as well, so this could very well be an editorial mandate for the entire Transformers IDW writing team since MScott and JRo have pretty different writing styles. I hope that things can smooth out as we move away from Functionist Cybertron. However, with Megatron being left behind (which creams my figurative corn and has so much salt as to be inedible that it’s a whole ‘nother rant for another day), I don’t know where we’re going to go from here.

#transformers idw #lost light #ll spoilers #mtmte #comic reviews #kind of a rant

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anothergirlrecovering · 5 years

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Dietician day 12

- [ ] I went into my last session with Peggy not sure if I was going to cry or be angry except I ended up being neither. When I went back to her office she was like do you want to do your weight first or have you been weighing and I just kind of looked at her dumbfounding and I was like I’ve been waiting and she’s like OK let’s just go to your weight and I said OK and she was like I don’t know how the treatment center works some of them want to talk to the dietitian and some wait until they’re discharging you kind of just depends on the program I said I wasn’t sure either but she took my weight anyway and then when we got back and I got immediately distracted by a quote that she had on her desk that said something like trying is what saves you or something and I was like that’s an interesting quotebecause I think my husband would say that I’m doing is what saves you and she was like well you can’t do without trying and I was like that’s fair but it just reminds me that trying in and of itself isn’t really enough and I told her about how in group therapy the therapist had ones from the keys on the floor and told Kelly to pick them up and when she went to get them she would push her hand back and say but you’re trying but you’re trying and she couldn’t do them and she said that’s what recovery is like you have to be doing not trying. She said she understood but that she really love the coat because she loved this book that she told him which I wrote down the name of the book she said maybe I could read it while I’m in treatment and she said you see throughout the book that trying is what saves her and it’s a really cool story and she said you have to first try before you do so trying is kind of what saves you combined with doing. and she asked if I had seen Lynn and said that they had talked. I said I knew and then I had just seen Lynn and she asked how that went and I said it had gone well and she asked if we had talked about my parents coming in preparing for that and I said a little bit but not really because my husband will be there and he’s a bit of a buffer but I said that my cousin overdosed and he’s still currently in the hospital but it’s unclear if he will make it and if he does pass away then my parents will be going to Florida for The funeral and I don’t know how that would impact things. Peggy was like eat your breakfast and she laughed and was like I feel like there was one time when I forgot to tell you and you didn’t do it and I was like yeah and I was kind of glad because it meant I didn’t have to actually sit there and eat and be anxious and she was like well I didn’t forget today and I was kicking myself for forgetting that one time. She said if my parents aren’t for sure coming what is stopping me from going to treatment like now and I was like because I need to finish things up at work and there’s a chance they may come and she was like why don’t you just cancel all of that and just go tomorrow and I was like my flight is booked for Tuesday and she was like I don’t think we can wait that long and I was like Peggy I’m not going to die if I wait six more days and she was like you don’t know that and you don’t know how hard your body is struggling right now and I don’t see it being beneficial to wait and just continue seeing your weight plummet in the process. She said how sad it was to hear about my cousin but essentially that she doesn’t think it’s helpful to wait around on my parents to come when she was like you know that they’re triggering and they say things to you about your body in about food in the instill all of this fear.She said I really wanted to go like last week and really weeks before that but really I mean I’ve just wanted you to get home and now I’m really worried and concerned because your weight continues to drop and it is dangerous. I didn’t really say a whole lot and she said that she is just so so thankful that I’m actually going to go and she is so happy for me and again just how thankful she is that it’s like oh yes You are finally taking the time to really start your healing and I think I must’ve just had a look that was kind of like what the heck because she was like waiting on me to say something and I just didn’t and she was like you know I got a text message yesterday from someone who was in similar shoes is you where they didn’t really want to go to treatment and they didn’t think was a big deal and then they went and they were just so thankful and she said thank you for your diligence and pushing me to go because I just feel so different now. She was like not that I’m expecting you to come back and have to tell me any of that you don’t never Omie anything and she didn’t tell me anything either and I was like don’t worry Peggy I’m totally that person who will contact you years down the road and remind you and thank you for the work that you’ve done in my life because like literally I even contacted my old therapist in college and also the therapist I had while I was in treatment the first time around to thank them and update them on my life it just sucks that currently I am you know, right back in that same place and she was like well it’s not entirely the same place because this time around I’m sure you will be working on very different things. I said yeah and apparently I took in a very big breath because she was like what are you thinking and I looked up at her and she was like I saw the body language the big deep breath and I was like honestly I was just thinking about the food that I’m going to have to eat when I’m there and she was like well food doesn’t have an agenda and the nice thing about food is that there’s no surprises food is always going to fall into the three macro groups of a carbohydrate a protein and a fat there are no surprises with them they all fall into that one category and I must’ve made another face because she was like what are you thinking and I was like even with that I’m thinking like but there are surprising food because one time I found a bone in my tunafish can and what if I bite into a Barito which is why I don’t buy burritos anymore and I bite into a weird text your me and that’s it then I lose my mind. She said if it’s a bone it’s probably made up of mostly protein and calcium and whatever your body doesn’t need it will just poop right now that’s the nice thing about your body and knows what it needs and when it doesn’t and it will just push it on through just like when dogs eat plastic and then it comes out in their coop. I said that the thought of having to eat a plate of shrimp makes me want to cry and I can’t fathom even doing it and part of that is the texture and then the other part of it is because I’ve always been told that shrimp are bad because their bottom dwellers. She was like well, as far as I know no one has ever died from having a weird text or chicken or biting into a shrimp so I think you’ll probably be OK. I couldn’t help but laugh and she was like is it really a bottle and I was like yeah I can just hear my parents voice over and over not need the bottom dwellers it’s even in the Bible even the Bible says it’s bad and she was like I guess I just never really thought of it that way with them being bottom drawers and I was like that’s why they have like the van with their shit literally that you have to pull out before you even cook it and she was like I would just be thinking that whatever they are eating is sustaining their little bodies and so it probably is some form of a protein carbohydrate or fat and she was like now I’m curious and I need to look this up she’s like the next time you see me I’m going to be able to educate you on crustaceans and I was like perfect I might even ask my husband because he loves lobster is which is a Nother food that I won’t eat she was like well you probably don’t have to worry about that because I would assume they have a budget and I Can’t imagine that lobster made the cut. She mentioned something about allergy and basically the food chain with eating things and why she would think it would be a protein carbs and fat. She said she had to maintain thing on timing should someone right after me and she took out the goal sheet and was like I’m going to write down that if your parents don’t come at you will call the treatment center and see if you can go earlier. I didn’t actually even say anything back to that and thankfully she didn’t bring up the whole discharge plan and seeing therapists after and maybe that was because she realized that I would have been overwhelmed and cried if she tried to push me to see and eating disorder specialist again and maybe last week she felt like she explained it enough I don’t know. She was like if they have a bed available I really think you need to go sooner because you’re losing weight at a rapid weight and I was like I didn’t lose nearly as much this week as I did the week before and she was like yeah well at a point your body starts to fade to hang on to everything to keep you sustained and I was like yeah and I feel fine which is why it’s so annoying and she was like I’m sure you do feel fine and I was like I mean physically like they’re literally feels like nothing is really wrong I don’t feel terrible and she was like that doesn’t mean that your body isn’t struggling. I brought up how someone through work knew exactly where I was going and she was like yeah I saw that in the app and I was like you know and it wasn’t like it went poorly and I explained how she had brought up that that makes me a therapist that she would want to see you because it means I’m aware when enough is enough and when I need to take care of myself and she was proud of me and Peggy straight up slack both of my knees and was like I told you so I told you everyone would think that way. I was like you know I literally sat there that whole time and getting freaking Peggy said the exact same thing. She laughed and was like I do have some wisdom up in here you know maybe just a little bit but I do have some. I said I knew and I didn’t doubt it. It’s just so hard to believe sometime. She brought up my parents again and re-emphasize the fact that she thinks her and Lynn and my husband would all be on board with me going sooner and I said she was probably right about that but my parents may come and she asked me if I had a plan for coping with them being there and I said well my husband will be there and he’s a pretty good buffer I kind of feel like they probably won’t say anything to dumb in front of him and if he does he’s already said that he’s going to snap. Peggy laughed and was like honestly there’s a part of me that kind of hopes that they will say something dumb and he will get to snap. I told her about my parents grocery list of things that they wanted to be in the house and I was like I already had most of it because I eat pretty crazy like them but they asked for gluten-free bread and I just said no because I’m not buying a loaf of gluten-free bread when my husband and I definitely don’t eat gluten-free and she was like yeah and I was like I think they’ll survive and she was like yeah they don’t have celiac so I’m pretty sure they well. She brought up the fact that I need to be eating at least three meals a day and I just sort of stared at my feet and she was like right? And I was like yeah and she was like so we need to figure out we have a few more days if you don’t go any earlier and she was like what about breakfast where is your husband and I was like he’s already at work and she was like OK what about your dog and I was like he’s with me wherever I am and I explain that he’s my little shadow and my heart breaks thinking about leaving him because he literally will sit at the door missing me when it’s bedtime because he doesn’t wanna go to bed until I come home because he waits for me and she was like a perfect use that as motivation to get better and I was like that’s just so sad and she was like it is sad but he’s a dog he will be OK you will be back for him and we need to use him as support with breakfast right now. She was like I’m drying a picture of him which I thought was really funny and I looked and I was like wait Did you put his ears up or down and she was like crap he looks like a bunny hang on she was like I’m drunk at your dog with a bunny and I was like perfect for Easter and I was like seriously my dog loves food literally if you ask him about a snack or food or anything and I showed her a video of him spinning in circles because of how excited he gets about food and she was like that’s all dogs they all love you and I was like he’s like extra fat and the extra loves it and she was like that is so cute. She was like OK so we are going to use your dog for support at breakfast time look at him sit with him and look him in the eyes remind yourself that you need to eat that breakfast good with him she was like you love breakfast and I didn’t Seney thing and she was like maybe you don’t think you do right now but she was like you always pack really good breakfast and it always looks really good and I feel like you really like the food to bring and I was like I mean yeah I actually do really like breakfast food and she was like OK so why would you be skipping breakfast and I did have a moment of anxiety where I kind of freaked out and was like you know exactly why Peggy everything feels overwhelming because now it’s like I don’t want to be that fat person in treatment who doesn’t need to be there and she was like so it’s the I’m not sick enough and I was like yeah and you know how that goes it’s probably a universal feeling that everybody gets before they go to treatment where they don’t think they are sick enough to need to be there and she was like you know there’s a whole book written about that and I was like I have the book sick enough and she was like I want to read it but I don’t have it yet it’s on my to do list of books to pick up and I was like I know that it’s stupid but it makes it so hard to actually eat when it comes down to eating and she was like OK will that’s why we are going to enlist people so she was like who are you around for lunch time tomorrow. I was like I’m working and she was like OK which of your people can you eat with around lunchtime I start laughing result like I mean it’s a teenager and they would not mind at all and she was like OK perfect will go without one and what about Friday and she was like you know that if you are trying to finish her last days out of work and see everyone that no one is going to mind are you eating with them and I was like I know that you’re right it’s just hard to feel like I can push through all of this anxiety about going and really do it. She was like well you need to do it because you are currently dropping weight rapidly and I’m worried. I was like well I’ll have to even my parents are here at least for lunch and dinner and she was like well I don’t think it’s acceptable for you to skip breakfast with them and I was like they’re not going to be there for Saturday morning breakfast on Sunday morning they’re going to eat breakfast on their own because I’ll go to church without them and Monday morning I’ll tell them to have breakfast alone again because I will be stopping by work to make sure all of the paperwork is done and she was like I don’t think that’s a good reason to be skipping breakfast. I was like I’m not saying it’s a good reason I’m just saying I have a lot of anxiety right now and I will try To do more and it just gets so hard in that moment when I’m staring at the food and feeling overwhelmed and she was like I know and I know it’s a common thing and that’s why I’m pushing you to try to go sooner because I don’t want you to keep dropping and it be harder and harder to get out of it. I asked her how much weight they typically want you to gain a week at three minute she was like honestly I don’t know and it’s probably individualized and depends on the person and me guessing probably isn’t really going to help any either way it kind of doesn’t matter cause you have a long way to go now. She asked about other behaviors and I was honest about purging and that there really hadn’t been anything else. She was like we need to absolutely hold off on that do everything you can to avoid it even if it’s putting the toilet seat down making it one step harder to do. I said I understood. She was like you need to eat and I was like right now. She wrote on my goal sheets to eat breakfast lunch and dinner and then She wrote I can versus what if because she talked about how I always catastrophize Ing think the absolute worst case scenario is about everything and she was like your parents instilled so much fear-based thinking and I was like I don’t what if they’re right and I don’t want there to be that moment where I was like you know Christmas Yves where I’m getting ripped apart for getting fat and my parents are like well we told you had to eat right and they had and it was my fault and then with this I’m like what if I stop eating all these crazy organic foods and then I end up with Cancer or something and there’s going to be that I told you so moment and it’s like what if it’s all really true what they think and she was like all of that stuff is small study based only none of it has been for actually proven none of it is for sure none of it is guaranteed but what is for sure is that all of this stress and fear is not good for your brain or body. She pointed i’ll bet being so afraid a few minutes are really good for me either and then I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly afraid of literally everything and she was like you want to be able to have a baby one day and be able to nourish your body so that the baby is being nourished and not having to pull it from your body and being able to actually take care of that baby and so you need to be taken care of you and that’s gonna be hard to do if you’re so filled with fear about everything. At a point I was like Peggy I want to be so mad at you but it’s so hard because you’re so freaking nice. - [ ] Also, I forgot but with the talk about changing my flight and going to treatment sooner I was like I’m literally already paid for my flight and I didn’t pay for the travelers insurance to switch my flight if something were to happen antd she was like OK but it’s still not that much money and I was like it might be and she was like in comparison to what and I was like I mean I guess not in comparison to the thousands of dollars I’m about to spend on treatment and she was like well your insurance will help and I was like I still have to pay the out-of-pocket max so several thousands of dollars so I guess compared to that it’s nothing and she was like well the alternative is the hospital and you’re gonna have to pay that amount anyway so that’s your two trajectories LOL I was like OK that’s fair. She said she wants me to take care of myself and get better and she’s really excited for me to go to treatment and then she would see me when I get back so we wouldn’t schedule again. We went to go make copies of the release of info. She was like I’ll be in touch with them or whatever when you call and I was like well do you need me to sign the release of info here and she was like well they’ll have one there and I was like OK I didn’t know if you had to have me sign onto because like for therapy purposes I always have to make sure that I have my own release of info and she was like maybe I should look into it but we may have different Ethicsor I may be unaware and I was like either way it would only matter if I was trying to sue you and I was like don’t worry I will literally never sue you and she was like well that’s good thanks and she said that she often worries about getting soon and she told her husband that he’s always like Peggy you’re literally trying to help people no one‘s going to see you and she was like but I just always worry about that and I was like that’s understandable I do too. She asked me which coffee I wanted purple or black because I had joked about her riding in purple pen and I said I wanted the black copy because it matches all the other ones that I have and she laughed. We stepped back into her office and I picked up my things and she said I’m proud of you for going and it’s going to be OK and she said she will be sending prayers and positive vibes as her non religious therapist says lol and she opened her arms for the hug and I hugged her and she said goodbye. And I headed out. Also I looked at my goal sheet from her later and couldn’t help but laugh because under were she said to call remuda if my parents don’t come to go to treatment earlier than next week she wrote sooner than later. Lol whatever.

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