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Admit Defeat
warnings: smut, facesitting, fingering, bottom! sevika (if you squint), lots of flirting, y'all are in love, sub! sevika (if you squint), yearning, lesbians being lesbians
work count: 4k
MEN AND MINORS DNI
You don't remember who made the first move. You don't know what you had done to get Sevika to return your feelings. At some point, the two of you switched from only speaking in work-appropriate conversations to constantly flirting. The switch was far from gradual, a near overnight shift in dynamic. For weeks, Sevika has been laying the charm on thick and you've been returning the banter.
Tonight was no different. The two of you inside the near empty Last Drop, chatting over a game of billiards. Billiards isn't yours or Sevika's typical game but watching her bend over the table was too tempting a sight to pass up.
“I ever tell you about the time I almost bled out?” Sevika says, chalking up her cue.
“Just one time? That's a little boring, Sevika,” you tease.
“I'd have to be stabbed to be bleeding, and you know how often that happens.”
The answer was seldom. Sevika got into plenty of fights, but most ended with her mechanical claws in her opponent's gut. Never the other way around.
“Go on. Tell me,” you urge. She finishes chalking her cue and sets it down on the edge of the table. Your eyes follow her as she walks around the table, searching for her shot. She studies the eleven ball, considering the difficulty.
“Eleven, back left pocket,” she calls. She bends down to line up the shot. But instead of taking it, she begins her story.
“I was at the harbor, the smaller one, on personal business-”
“You were gambling,” you interrupted, leaning your weight to rest your hip onto the table. You watch Sevika's eyes follow your movement.
Sevika shakes her head, “It was for personal business. Needed new plating for my arm, one that can withstand higher temperatures. I heard from a trusted source-”
“At the brothel,” you interrupted again. She still hasn't taken the shot. Still bent over the table, cue lined to hit but her arm hasn't drawn back yet.
Sevika laughs at your correction, “I heard at the brothel that someone was looking to trade down at the harbor. I went down there with an alright gun. Wanted to be rid of it anyway. I get there looking for the guy and I find he's got four other people with him, fucking bruisers by the looks of it.”
Sevika takes a break in her story to finally take her shot, the eleven ball gliding across the felt and into the pocket she called prior. She stands, walking over to where you're leaning against the table. She smirks as she draws closer to you, stopping just close enough for you to feel her body heat. You look up at her, gaze dropping to her lips for a moment before moving back up to her eyes.
“It's your turn again,” you tell her. You tilt your head toward the table, not breaking eye contact.
“You're standing in front of my shot.”
“My bad,” you playfully shrug, taking a large enough step back. Sevika immediately fills the space, stepping even closer to you than she was before. Another centimeter and your chests would be touching.
Up this close, you'd have to crane your neck to make eye contact. But since you can't find it in you to look away from her lips, you don't have to look as far up. Her tongue creeps from her parted lips and wets her bottom lip, surely to tease you.
“As I was saying,” Sevika continues, aware you're watching each word, “I don't pay attention to the other guys, figured if I didn't treat them like a threat they weren't gonna fuck with me. And it worked for the most part. I get through the trade with my guy, no issues. I'm thinking it's over so I shake his hand, close the deal and wait for him and his goons to leave, cause I'm not gonna turn my back on them.”
You nod, trying to follow along with her story but your attention is divided between how her lips quirk up into a smirk every other sentence. You loved this side of Sevika, the side that can't stop talking. The side that loves sharing her time with other people. The side that is heartfelt and open.
“You still listening?” She says, pulling your thoughts away from her mouth and secret softness.
“Just skip to the good part,” you huff. You're not impatient and you could listen, and watch, her talk for hours. But the attraction between the two of you was a few degrees warmer tonight. You can't afford to overheat, especially since you work together.
“Right. The good part. They think I'm looking for a fight so they jump me. I handled them fine enough, taking a few punches. Was focused on keeping them off of me. One of ‘em came charging at me with a knife, no fucking clue where he got it from, and aims right at my ribs. I wasn't really thinking, I just pushed his arm down. Fucking slashed my thigh open,” she continued. She bent over the table again and this time you could see her back muscles ripple underneath her shirt.
You shift your hips slightly, so they brush against her side.
“Can I see?” You ask.
She stood up without taking her shot, taking a step to trap you between herself and the table, “I'd have to take off my pants.”
“Sounds good to me.”
She chuckles, “Thought you'd let me kiss you before trying to get me undressed.”
This was the moment one of you would usually chicken out, coughing up a practiced excuse. But tonight was different. Seizing a confidence you've never held in your life before, you close the little distance there is between you.
“Kiss me, then take your pants off.”
“Thank fuck,” she sighs.
She reaches her right hand out, cupping your cheek and guides you to her mouth. There is a moment of hesitation from her, when your lips are a hair away. A chance for you to withdraw. But you won't take it. You push up on your tiptoes, smashing your lips into hers.
Sevika hasn't felt genuine attraction like this in years. Her body feels like it moves on its own accord. Doing the opposite of what she usually does in situations like these. Fingers tracing over skin instead gripping. Tongue feeling the softness of your lips instead of claiming. Heart beating wildly out of her chest instead of being steady.
Her chemtech arm holds you by your waist. Between her hips pressing into yours, the table behind you and her arm holding you up, you still feel like you'll melt right to the floor.
Needing more purchase, you wrap your arms around her neck. Her hair tickles your fingertips and you need to feel more of the soft strands. When you tangle your fingers into her hair she shudders, her knees go weak and weight shifts to rest on you.
You take the time to kiss down her neck, feeling her breaths catch in her throat. Feeling her skin vibrate with her moans. When your lips press onto her pulse point you can feel her erratic heartbeat. It almost overwhelms you, how much she softens for you.
You're surprised when she guides your hands from her hair down to her breast. Without any hesitation, you fondle her breasts, thumbs rubbing over where you know her nipples are. She's letting out moans above you, the sounds deep and throaty.
She gasps out a ‘wait’ and you pull your hands and face away. After she catches her breath she asks if you want to go back to her place.
She's staring deep into your eyes and you regret having looked at her mouth so much tonight. She has the prettiest eyes you've even seen, the most enchanting shade of gray you've ever seen. Like a thundercloud full of heavy rain, her eyes always held back a rough storm. Usually she's unreadable, but right now you know exactly what she wants.
“Mine is probably closer,” you offer.
At that Sevika nods, muttering out a soft “Take me.”
You grab her hand and lead her out the Last Drop and in the direction of your apartment. It's far closer than Sevika's, hardly a five minute walk. Three minutes if you were really in a rush. You make it home in two and a half.
It's a simple studio apartment, small but well within your needs.
Once you step inside, she grabs you from underneath your ass, hoisting you up to wrap your legs around her torso. Your hands find their way into her hair, fingers dancing on her scalp. You needed her weak for you, and she was falling apart at the seams the more you touched her. She carries you over to the bed, hiding in the corner of your apartment. She sits down on your bed with you sitting on her lap.
Her hands grab at your shirt, shoving the offending fabric over your breasts until you break the kiss to pull your top over your head. You return to the kiss the moment your shirt is discarded behind you, pushing Sevika down into the mattress. She gasps into your mouth as her back thuds against the bed.
Her hands are flat against your lower back, inching downwards to slip her fingertips beneath the band of your pants. Sevika guides your hips to grind over hers. You rut your hips into her, no rhythm or pace set.
"You've got such a pretty face," you tell her. "You wouldn't want me to sit on it, would you?" It's something you've been waiting to experience, waiting for the right person. If there was anyone you wanted it with, without hesitation, it's Sevika.
"I've been waiting for you to say that for so fucking long," Sevika laughs. You laugh with her, finding humor is how long you've spent dancing around each other.
You roll off of her lap onto your back to shimmy off your pants and underwear. Within seconds, Sevika is sitting up to help you out of your clothes. You lift your hips and she pulls your pants and underwear down on one try.
Seeing you near fully naked, Sevika admires your body. Every curve is in its perfect place. Every scar is like fine details painted into your skin. Each blemish makes you more and more of a masterpiece. She always thought you were breathtaking but the word felt much more literal now. Breathing was wasted energy, anything other than pouring her full attention into admiring you was useless to her.
“Sevika… you're staring,” you said under your breath.
“I- I'm going to die tonight,” she sighs, leaning down to press kisses to your shoulder. She kisses your shoulder until she's grounded herself, no longer lost in passion boiling over in her head.
“I need you on my face. Now,” she says against your shoulder.
“Patience.”
“Fuck that. I need you. I can't wait anymore.”
She grabs your hips, flipping you over to straddle her waist. She unclasps your bra, pulling the straps off your shoulders.
“You're still dressed,” you gasped, trying to find an excuse to slow her down.
“We'll get to that later. Sit on my fucking face.” She grabs at your hips trying to pull you up and shimmy herself down. You admit defeat when she pouts.
You crawl up her body and place one knee to the left side of her head before swinging the other over her head. You don't sit down on her face yet, shifting your hips back to hover over her shoulders.
“Fuck, please sit on my face. I can't wait.” her hands grab your thighs, metal and flesh fingers alike digging into you.
You're ready to give yourself to her, but you're stopped by the look in her eyes. This time she's the one to take your breath away.
You reach down and stroke her cheek, “You're so pretty.”
Her hands loosen their grip on your hips, thumbs stroking your skin.
“You're beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful,” she whispered. The moment was so fragile but nothing could break how she felt for you.
You feel the need to say something in return but the only words that come to mind are about how you're falling for her. And you can't give yourself away just yet. So you shift your hips over her face. Before you take your seat, you notice that you've forgotten a step in your haste.
“Wait, we need a safe signal.”
“Like I'd fucking tap out,” she rasps, frustrated that you're so close but just out of reach.
“Still, we need one.”
“Fine. I'll tap you twice if I need you off. That work?”
“That works,” you nod, shifting your hips to position right over her mouth.
“Oh fuck, thank you.” She sighs before you lower your cunt onto her mouth.
She starts with kisses to your folds, breathing in your scent while she can still breathe. Her lips press kisses everywhere she can reach, mostly over your labia. Her nose nudges right beneath your clit and you drag your hips back to get her right where you need her. Nose now bumping against your clit, your thighs clench from the added simulation.
You can feel the tension, built up on months of pent up emotions, dissolving with each pass of her tongue. The tension melts down, collecting inside of you and waiting to be released. Her kisses become open-mouthed as your arousal coats her lips. You jerk your hips, moving your clit over her mouth. She licks around the bud, feeling it twitch and beg to be touched.
Looking down, you can see her eyes are closed, eyes rolled back behind her lips. Her tongue swipes over your clit and you nearly throw your head back to moan, but you can't tear your eyes away from her. She looks too beautiful beneath you. It makes you feel like you're doing more than taking your own pleasure. It makes you feel like you're not on top, you're on your throne. Your insides clench again as she flicks her tongue over your clit.
Sevika's hips squirm, trying to find some friction to calm the tension inside of her. Everything about you fuels how much she burns for you. She felt warm whenever you were around but with you filling her senses in this moment, she was close to combustion. She could distantly feel a liquid heat drip from her cunt. With each slow drip that leaked from her, her core coiled with excitement.
Channeling her yearning into eating you out, she works her tongue over your clit. When you start to shift your hips again, she flattens her tongue letting you move wherever you please.
You grab her by the hair, grinding onto her tongue to chase your orgasm. It's an orgasm you've been chasing everytime you've masterbated thinking about her. A fantasy that has been just out of reach, and even now it mocks you by running away.
“Sev, I'm so close,” you choked out.
You ride her tongue, desperation drowning out the aching in your muscles. Your thrusts are messy, but her tongue finds you each time. No matter where you move, Sevika is there.
Your orgasm is done with being chased. It meets you, just the way you always imagined it would. It breaks the laws of physics, making gravity cease to exist. Your entire body is weightless as you gasp and choke out Sevika's name. Your grip on her hair is the only thing tying you to this world.
When the world finally rights itself, gravity working as it should, you lift your weight off of her. Her hands pull your hips forward, setting your dripping hole over her mouth. There's so much more of you to be had and Sevika wasn't ready for the moment to end.
She laps at your opening, groaning with every bit of cum she licks away. Your taste is even sweeter now, or maybe it was psychological. Sevika wouldn't put it past her to think you taste better after coming. You did things to her that she couldn't explain.
She is pulled from her thoughts when you jerk your hips away and she detaches her lips. You swing a leg over her head and dismount inelegantly.
“Thank you,” she gasps after she catches her breath. When she no longer needs to gasp for air she takes a deep inhale through her nose, catching your lingering scent that coats her face.
She doesn't have enough time to react before you straddle her hips and push at her top. You're surprised by your surge of energy but you'd be damned if you didn't return the favor.
“Sev… Fucking strip for me,” you purr.
She moans your name, hands reaching up to hold your face and bring you down for a kiss. You dodge the kiss, needing her naked for you.
“Sevika, I want you. Please… you're too beautiful for me not to see.”
That makes her heart skip a beat. Sevika doesn't accept compliments but you said that word like it's the truth. So she believed you.
“Okay,” she nodded, her turn to admit defeat tonight.
You lift off her lap, moving to unbutton her pants. She lifts her hips and you pull down the waist band. Her pants take more force than you expected to pull over her ass but after a couple tries, they slide all the way down to her knees. She begins to kick her pants down to her ankles then toes them off.
“The scar is pretty obvious,” she says. You're confused for a moment then you remember why the two of you are in your bed in the first place. On her left thigh is a gash, a centimeter thick and 7 centimeters long. It was a deep cut, evident by how raised and pale the scar is.
“Shit, that's really fucking bad. How'd you survive?”
“Took two extra doses of shimmer. You'd be surprised by how life saving that shit can be.”
“Huh,” you shrug. She shifts her hips beneath you and you're back in the moment, forgetting her near death experience. Fuck the reason you finally got her into bed, you have her now and nothing else matters.
You are about to tug at her boxers when her chem tech arm reaches down and tears them apart with two tugs. You snort at her impatience. The amusement is soon gone when you see her cunt. Your imagination has failed you, she's prettier than any fantasy you've had. A trail of opaque, white cum leaking from her.
“You fucking came?” you asked.
“I can't control myself with you,” was the best explanation she could give.
“Oh fuck,” you curse. You bend down to press kisses to her torso, trailing down the valley of her muscles. You don't care that you don't have her top off. If you were going to get your way tonight, it will be coming off eventually. But right now you want to feel her.
You set your pace slow, kissing downwards to her thighs. She opens her legs, making space for you between them and you gladly take it.
“Sevika, what do you want?” You doubt you could do anything she wouldn't want but it never hurts to be sure.
Sevika stops to think for a moment. She imagined every single sexual scenario with you. So which one would she choose? A few crossed her mind but one made the coil of excitement return above the rest. The thought of your fingers, more slender and soft than hers, fucking her until she melts into nothing.
“Finger me,” she pleads. Sevika keeps surprising you, using a desperate tone that goes against her character.
“Oh shit, I'm going to fuck you so good,” you sighed.
You get comfortable on your knees, intending to stay there as long as you can. You trail your fingers over her thighs, tracing words into her skin. You can't tell her that you're falling so you write it out. On her left thigh, ‘I love you” is etched. On her right thigh, “Stay with me” is drawn.
“Stop tickling me, I need you inside me,” she whines. The sound almost kills you, her velvet voice whining for you to enter her.
You trace your right hand over her thigh and toward her cunt, teasing just a little more. She gasps when you insert your middle finger. Maybe you do too, with how good she feels. You knew she was wet but what makes you lightheaded is how warm she is.
Her whines no longer shock you, coming out of her with each slow stroke of your finger. Adding a second finger takes her moans up in pitch. Your fingers feel a thousand times better than she dreamed, non-calloused fingers pulling the coil inside her tighter.
“More,” she pants. You don't want to leave her word up for interpretation so you ask for clarification.
“More what? Another finger? Faster? Need me to rub your clit? Tell me,” you urged.
“Faster! Touch my clit!” she gasps out. Sweat begins to coat her forehead.
Your fingers pick up their speed, curling against her sweet spot. Without removing your fingers, you move over her right thigh, walking up on your knees before settling down.
In this position you lay at her side, face next to hers and arm reaching down to finger her. Your palm rubs over her clit with each thrust. You dip your head down to attach your lips. She sighs into your mouth, lips parting to let you control the kiss.
Everytime your lips meet, you find a new favorite way to kiss her. Now, you find you love biting her lip. She pants and moans into your mouth as her pussy squelches from your fingering. She sounds wetter with each thrust, your fingers gliding in with more and more ease.
“Please,” she pants, “I'll make a mess.”
It's your turn to groan into her mouth. That sentence was a threat and a promise. She shifts her hips nudging your fingers to the exact right spot.
You feel her orgasm wet your fingers as she whimpers out your name. Nothing could've prepared you for how magical making Sevika squirt for you would be. Her breaths huffed into your mouth. Her thighs clamped around your hand. Her pussy leaked all over your fingers.
After thirty seconds pass, her thighs unclench and you remove your hand. You bring it up to your lips but Sevika grabs your wrist before you can taste her.
“Can we… I want us… I want to be yours.” Sevika says when she catches her breath.
“As long as I can be yours.”
She guides your wrist to your mouth and you take your coated fingers into your mouth. Her taste bursts over your tongue, earthy and slightly salty. You lick your fingers clean and commit her taste to memory. Not that you would never taste her again, but it's something you need to remember. Any moment spent not tasting her will be torture from now on.
Sevika wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you in to lay on her chest. You settle in, placing your head over her heart. The two of you hold each other, you're listening to her heartbeat steady itself.
“Sorry about your sheets,” you hear her say, words rumbling in her chest.
You sit up to inspect the damage. The image makes you laugh. Between her thighs is a little heart-shaped puddle.
“I lo-” you stop before the words come out, “I don't care. It'll wash out.”
You lay back down to cuddle her, “You came in a heart-shaped puddle, by the way.”
Sevika snorts, not surprised that her body was outing her feelings for you. She presses a kiss to your forehead, settling for gratefulness that she didn't chicken out tonight.
“Why did it take so long for us to do this?” you ask.
“I was afraid you'd figure out that I'm in love with you,” she says. She meant to hide the words but they found their way out. Sevika loves the way you soften her, how you break away all the walls to her heart without trying.
Your voice is a whisper when you speak, “Are you still scared?”
“I'm terrified.”
“Me too.”
“Scared?” Sevika tries to get you to clarify. She needs to know.
“No. In love with you.”
#sevika#sevika arcane#arcane sevika#sevika x reader#i love sevika#sevika x female reader#im unsure if this can count as bottom sevika#pls eat this up y'all
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The Will
(The Tea Lovers Pt. 4)
A Levi x reader fanfic (Flufftober 2024)
Crossposted from AO3
Levi accidently finds your will.
A/n: Heyy, I'm back with a short update! Pour yourself some tea and enjoy!
tags: fluff and humor, silly and sweet, tea-obsessed fem!reader with their head in the clouds (word count: 0.96k)
(Part one) / (Levi x reader Masterlist)
"Come in", Erwin said, answering the knock on his office door without looking up from his paperwork. He didn't have to. It was well past midnight, and there was only one other person who would possibly be working at this hour.
Levi entered without a word of greeting, swiftly making his way towards Erwin's desk. He was only there to drop off some documents Erwin had wanted to have signed, then he'd head to bed to finally get some well-earned rest, the first he'd allow himself in two days.
"Here," he said curtly and set down the pile of papers atop another tower-like stack that was already swaying dangerously, making Erwin let out a weary sigh.
Levi was already on his way back to the door when he stopped dead in his tracks. Frowning, he turned around and strode back to the desk, going through the stack of papers until he got to the one that had been on top before. His eyes narrowed when he found it. He had not been mistaken. It had your name on it.
"What are you doing?" Erwin asked, quite baffled by Levi's unusual behavior as he watched him pull the document out from between the others.
Levi didn't answer, studying it with knitted brows. It was barely legible as it was written in a messy scrawl with tiny letters.
"What the fuck is this?" he asked finally, an edge to his voice.
"If you show me then I might be able to give you an answer," Erwin said calmly, raising a quizzical eyebrow at him.
Levi shoved the document into the commander's face.
"Well," Erwin said after giving it a quick once-over, "It's her will, exactly how it says in the title."
Levi clicked his tongue in annoyance. "I can see that, but why would she need a will?" It wasn't like you to plan ahead like that.
"Don't worry, she's in perfect health if that's what you are wondering. She simply wanted matters to be settled."
"Didn't she give you a reason?" Levi asked impatiently, clearly still irritated.
"She didn't say, but I assume the catalyst to be the events on the last expedition. Two people on her squad died." Erwin dragged a hand over his tired features. "She asked me to be her personal representative since she doesn't have any family."
He hesitated, then sighed. "To be perfectly honest, I shouldn't even be talking to you about this. Usually these kind of affairs are confidential. However, I presume I could make an exception since you are mentioned in it."
"I am?" Levi asked, bewildered. He practically ripped the document out of the commanders hands, not waiting for an answer.
Erwin watched with an amused expression as Levi skimmed over the first page, then flipped to the second.
There it was. It seemed you had actually made an effort to keep your handwriting neat and tidy on this paragraph because unlike before, he had no trouble deciphering what it said this time.
First beneficiary: Levi Ackerman I leave all my precious tea to Captain Levi because he is the only one with a taste distinguished enough to truly appreciate its magnificence. Every expert would attest to the outstanding quality of my vast collection, containing only the finest and rarest of leaves with the highest grade. All of these top-notch attributes make this assortment of first-class tea my most valuable possession, so I can't rest in peace without making sure that it will be left in the expert hands of my fellow tea lover Levi.
Levi snorted at your choice of words. There was no denying that you had written this. Even when writing, it was impossible for you to keep it short.
You continued: I will further entrust him with all of my prized tea sets, including teapots, cups and saucers. Needless to say, they are made of the finest porcelain this world has to offer, making them unparalleled in both elegance and beauty. It's imperative that he should have them, because only with the right tea service can one enjoy the exquisite tea to the fullest.
I will also leave him my beautiful tea canisters and all of my tea utensils, including my infusers and sieves, spoons, tea warmers and anything tea-related I might have forgotten to mention.
Levi's part of the will ended here, but he couldn't help but keep reading. It didn't escape his notice that the next parts were significantly shorter with much sloppier handwriting. "Well obviously. It's not about tea anymore," he muttered as he scanned the next paragraph.
Second beneficiary: Erwin Smith The commander shall get all my good pens and pencils because he has to write a lot. I have some really expensive ones and I know he will take good care of them.
Third beneficiary: Hange Zoe My titan sketchbook with all my notes on them goes to my bestie Hange. I know they've been eyeing it for a while now, so there. They will also get all my science books, they may not need them but I don't think anybody else wants them.
Fourth beneficiary: Petra Ral I bequeath all of my clothes to Petra, as we've often borrowed each other's stuff so I know they will fit her. She will also get all my drawings of a certain someone. (She'll know which ones.)
Levi's eyebrows instantly shot up at the last part. It was pretty clear who it was about, and he didn't like it one bit. The way you had intentionally kept it vague only served to make him more suspicious.
"I told her not to do that anymore," he grumbled, putting the will back on the desk and marching to the door. "Where is she hiding that shit?"
He was about to find out.
Tag list: @thechaoticarchivist, @mmm-alhaitham, @nironasaran, @leviiheichou, @huffleruffplant, @shutupp1, @iifrui
#levi ackerman#levi#aot#levi x reader#levi aot#captain levi#attack on titan#levi attack on titan#levi ackerman x reader#levi ackerman x you#levi x y/n#levi x you#snk levi#snk#shingeki no kyojin#fluff#flufftober#fanfic#fanfiction
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You can study me
Sero hanta smau
volley-ball player sero x art student fem!reader, no quirks au, college au.
a/n it's been a while since I've written something like this...I'm nervous
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Senior year is finally here! You thought that this time, the teachers would be more lenient with you and your classmates, but not at all. In fact, they even got stricter... They assigned you a half year-long work, which would be worth 30% of your final grade. What does the work consist of, you ask? Making a complete study of the life of a student you need to pick and paint it.
But... you can't pick a friend.
Profiles • Part .2
Part 1
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You sat outside, pen in one hand, the other on your lap. Scribbling on the piece of paper quick doodles of a random animal. A rooster...a chicken…why was this one that popped in your mind, you don’t know.
A sight escapes your mouth as you look up at the sky. “This is going to be a nightmare” you mutter.
You would’ve been more ok with all of this if you could’ve chosen someone close to you instead. So much easier, simpler. But in the art course? nothing was easy.
You sometimes thought of quitting, completely. But the love you had for art kept you here and perhaps your supportive friends too. Seriously they meant everything to you, they’ve been here through thick and thin. They could be…themselves but you’d do anything for them, the other way around as well.
Taking your phone from your pocket, you check the time — 12:40 pm. “I should already be on my way to the cafeteria.” You get up slowly, grab your bag from the ground and shove the paper and pen inside.
As you enter the building, you greet with a wave of your hand some classmates you had met in your morning class. When you enter the cafeteria, you grab the tray from the pile and pick up a sandwich, a fruit salad and you pay for a soda can at the vending machine.
You weren’t particularly hungry today.
Scanning the room you make eye contact with your friends a bit further away. You march over to them and install yourself next to Himiko, Izuku in front.
”I’ve missed you guys so bad.” you say hugging Himiko’s arm. She hugs you back with a big smile. “Us as well!” she chuckles. “It’s only the first day of the week and I’m already tired.” adds Izuku with a slight smile before taking a bite from his sandwich.
You begin eating as well. “Can you guys believe it's the last year we’ll be together..” you say to them. “Oh don’t start already or I’m going to cry.” says Himiko, turning her head.
“ I know we’ll definitely be busy after but ain’t no way we’re getting separated, you better believe me, you ain’t getting rid of us” she taps her finger on your cheek in a teasing way.
”Oh that I already know” you chuckle.
Izuku suddenly perks up and says “By the way y/n I talked to some of my classmates and I’m sorry most of them don’t feel comfortable with that…” “Oh right mine as well…they say they don't want to meet new people or whatever” himiko adds.
”Oh well I did expect that honestly” you cross your arms and straighten yourself. “Guess the whole art course is going to struggle with finding someone” you sigh and begin to wonder how else are you going to find a student willing to participate in that. Ochaco may try with her classmates but you already have an idea of how it’s going to end.
You’d like someone with personality as well and there’s plenty of people like that here but—
You were cut off by a cheerful voice.
”Izuku you’re here!” A girl with pretty pink hair stopped in front of the table with her tray in hand. You all turned your head at her.
”Oh I didn’t know you were with friends my bad you guys!” she smiles.
”No it’s alright, you wanted something?” he responds.
”The boys are over there and I wanted to know if you wanted to come sit with us! Your friends can come as well if they’d like” She smiles at the both of us.
“Yeah for sure! Does it bother you guys?” He says looking at us.
”Not at all” Himiko and you respond at the same time. You look at each other before chuckling slightly.
”Perfect, follow me!” the girl begins walking ahead. “The name’s Mina by the way!”
”I’m y/n!” you respond back.
”And I’m Himiko”
You all reach a long table with four people already sitting and talking.
Four boys to be exact, one had blond hair and was just staring at the other three with a raised eyebrow, another had red hair and was laughing at something another blond said next to him and the last one with longer black hair was holding his sandwich with a smirk on his face.
”I am here and brought companyyy” Mina chants at the boys.
They perk up at the sound of her voice and all turn their heads towards us. You and Himiko smile not knowing what to do next.
”Hey, these are my friends, Himiko Toga and Y/n L/n !” Izuku introduces us.
He turns to us and points at the boys one by one.
”This is Kacchan- I mean Katsuki Bakugo. You already know him.” he laughs pointing at the blond with red eyes.
Bakugo nods his head with an almost visible smile.
”This is Denki Kaminari” The other blond points finger guns at us.
”This is Eijiro Kirishima” the red haired boy waves at us with a smile.
“And last but not least Sero Hanta” the black haired boy throws a peace sign at us and winks.
They all greet us happily and urge us to sit with them. You began talking for what seemed like hours, they told you they were part of the school volleyball team.
”Oh that’s so cool, how long have y'all been playing for?” you ask.
”We pretty much have been since we were kids. We practically all met through that.” Kirishima responds cheerfully. “Yeah we’re all like a biggg family” Kaminari leans on his shoulder.
Bakugo turns his head at us before speaking “So y/n, art huh? How is it being an artist?”
I laugh “I’m not an artist, artist yet but—“ you were cut off by Izuku.
”Oh stop that you draw, you paint even if it's not professionally yet you’re still an artist.”
”Yeah, it doesn’t matter even if it was just a hobby, you still are an artist.” Hanta joins him before continuing. “And how is it going so far?”
”To be honest? Right now, horrible.” you chuckle.
They all seem taken back as their eyes slightly widen.
“It’s mostly because of an assignment our teacher already gave us.”
”Oh that's rough— On the first day?” Kirishima says.
”Yeah, I have like half of the school year to complete it? And it's worth 30% of my final grade too.” You lean your head on your hand. “I need to pick a student I don't know, to study their life? Like get to know them so I can make a painting of it—“
”You can study me?” Hanta suddenly says, catching you off guard. “We just met so that’ll be perfect and I get to spend time with a cute girl like you so it’s a win-win situation.” He smiles and leans back on his chair.
You stare at him. That’s...a good idea actually you think to yourself and it’s not a total stranger if it’s one of Izuku’s friends…right?
”Well Hanta you’ve got yourself a deal” I smile back at him.
”Call me Sero.”
a/n i hope you guys like this aaah i'm so nervous and excited to post this...🤧 see u guys in the next part! 💋
#mha#my hero academia#bnha#sero hanta x reader#sero x reader#sero hanta#ochaco uraraka#toga himiko#mina ashido#izuku midoriya#denki kaminari#bakugou katsuki#kirishima eijirou#mha smau#mha x reader#mha x yn#bnha x reader#bakusquad
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🎃 happy halloween! 🎃
Zenji takes you on a short stroll during Halloween, which happens to be a very special time in Darkwick! No warnings, just fluffy and some spooky vibes 🧡🖤 veeeery dialogue heavy, btw!
gif credits: Louie Zong
divider credits: @saradika-graphics
“Oh! My heavens! Who is that lovely doll I see walking this way?” Zenji threw his arms out, quickly falling down on one knee as he observed you walk towards him with a bashful smile on your face.
It had basically become a little inside joke between the two of you – whenever he saw you, he would call out, begging you to tell him your identity, much like an awestruck artist finding his new muse; except you were always the muse, always his only inspiration (not that he would ever complain).
“It’s me! Hi, Zenji.” you said, landing in a puddle right in front of him with a hop, little droplets of water splashing around your shoes and muddying your socks.
“Of course it is you, my dear.” he said with a sing-songy voice, getting up. His clothes, despite his dramatic kneeling, were completely clean. “What brings you to this side of our campus?”
You shrugged.
“Just going back to the Cathedral right now. Gonna try to find some blankets to keep in my room since the air is getting a lot colder... It makes it hard to sleep at night.” you wrapped your arms around your body, shivering as if to make your point clearer.
Zenji frowned as you two began to make your way to your dorm together.
“My dear, if you’re in need of anything at all, please let us know! I am sure Hotarubi would be more than happy to give you some blankets to keep you warm during these chilly nights.”
You shook your head and waved your hand dismissively.
“No, no, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I stuffed some blankets in a cabinet some time ago, I just need to air them out.”
Zenji’s eyebrows were still scrunched up in mild disbelief. He's seen your living conditions far too many times and couldn't fully trust that you actually had proper protection from the cold.
He sighed, shaking his head. If he saw you shivering, even if slightly, he'd make sure to haul every blanket from Hotarubi into your room. But you didn't need to know that yet.
"You know, dear. One of the flipsides of being a ghost is that you can't ever be bothered by the weather. I only remembered it was Autumn as I saw the leaves change and fall!" he dramatically pointed to the ground, littered in leaves. "And, of course, all the other changes around here." he finished, voice a little bit quieter.
You tilted your head to the side.
"Other changes?"
Zenji gasped loudly and took two long strides in order to stand right in front of you, walking backwards just to keep looking at your puzzled expression.
"Haven't you noticed my dear? Darkwick changes quite a lot during All Hallow's Eve!"
You looked around.
"Really? I think I've been too busy with studies…"
"Oh, but that can't be!" Zenji shook his head vigorously. "You have to appreciate the beauty of autumn through the lenses of our Academy! See? Look at that little critter!"
Zenji pointed at one of the hardworking cats that roamed freely throughout the campus, fulfilling errands and fixing problems. You raised an eyebrow, confused.
"What's wrong with it? It's just one of the cats."
"Ah, you will see." Zenji smiled and turned around, slowing down his pace in order to walk by your side once again. "Let us walk a little bit more, and your keen eyes will definitely notice a pattern!"
After a few moments, you finally understood what Zenji meant. You couldn't help but let out a snort.
"They're all black!"
Zenji let out a loud, satisfied laugh.
"Exactly! I knew you'd notice! On this lovely period, all of the campus' cats change their fur color into black. It's the magic of Halloween!"
You couldn't stop smiling as Zenji's mirth was contagious.
"That's a cute change."
"Ah, but we have more, my doll. Come with me, let me show you some of the wonders of this place!"
Zenji took you into a stray path, a little cobblestone road that you were pretty sure would take a lot longer to cross than the usual road that led straight to the Cathedral. He had such a pep on his step, however, that you couldn't help but follow him towards wherever he wanted to show you.
After a few minutes of tripping on stones and walking fast to compensate for Zenji's long strides, you two stopped in front of a corn maze.
"Huh? Was this always here?" You say, a bit breathless and very taken aback.
"Not at all! It is a seasonal anomaly. It only appears during the end of October, and it usually has first year students as its victims." He says, arms crossed.
You quickly snap your head towards him, eyes wide.
"V-victims? Does it hurt people?"
Zenji shakes his head.
"No, but to the unsuspecting student, who still doesn't know all the paths of this place, this could be just another weird location. Little do they know, they'll spend so much time getting lost in the corn field!” Zenji sighed. “It is, in fact, the main cause for lateness among the first years during this season."
You sighed in relief, then frowned.
"But... Why dont people warn the new students?"
Zenji put a finger under his chin and hummed in thought.
"My guess is that this has become some sort of hazing amongst our colleagues. If they went through this, they think that the next ones should as well."
You grimaced, clearly displeased.
"I gotta warn Lyca... Don't want him getting lost on his own here..."
He nodded in agreement.
"But dont worry, my dear! The maze is mostly benign."
"… Mostly?"
"Well…" He shifted on his feet, looking a bit uncomfortable "Some poor, unfortunate souls have been taken to a most dangerous path in the maze, that barely no one reaches… and then they find a tree." His voice sounded solemn, which brought a shiver down your spine.
"A tree?"
"Yes, my dear. Sometimes, the maze may lead to a tree that stands tall in the middle of it. A big Dryad."
"A Dryad? But whats the problem? I thought they weren't that bad... Jabberwock has a few Dryads walking around."
"Well, this one is quite peculiar. You see, the tree will be constantly shedding leaves of multiple colors. Apparently, it is such a beautiful sight! Oh, how I'd love to see it and write a poem about it..."
"But as far as we know, each leaf color causes a different effect when touched." He cleared his throat before continuing.
"But…?" You egg him to continue before he went on with his poetic rambles. You knew that, when inspiration struck him, Zenji would only focus on that.
"Those that are touched by red leaves have something happen to their blood. They might suddenly lose half of it and become deathly anemic. Or it might coagulate in their veins. They might drown in their own blood as their lungs are drenched in it. Truly a horrifying sight"
You shivered, not expecting a horrifying imagery like that.
"Do we know other colors?" You asked, despite your discomfort, while Zenji and you began walking once again, distancing yourselves from the maze and going back into the usual path that led to your dorm.
"Yes. The orange leaf causes people to get enraged. It is an anger that consumes their body, turning even the most peaceful person into a cold blooded murderer.
"A yellow leaf causes people to become overly optimistic and happy. This may sound innocuous, but it makes them irresponsible. Some people have jumped from high altitudes, firmly believing they could fly or walked into dangerous encounters with other anomalies, believing they could never be hurt."
"That's... so scary." you whispered. Zenji nodded, a sullen look on his face.
"And then there's the brown leaf. Which immediately causes death." He murmured and you immediately shook your head, as if to cast that thought away.
"I definitely need to warn Lyca about that maze then... Are there other colors?"
"Apparently, no. But we've never had witnesses or survivors that could recount the stories, so who's to say?" He said, sighing.
"That's terrifying. I definitely think people should warn the students if there's a chance to see that Dryad..."
Zenji nodded in agreement before gasping and pointing something swirling on the side of the path.
"On a lighter note, look at those little fellas over there!"
"Oh, the little shadow imps." You recalled them immediately, since they were the first anomaly you saw inside Darkwick. They were gathered together as usual, moving from one shadow cast by the nightlamps to the other.
"You do know they are fond of confetti sprinkles, yes?"
"I do! Kaito told me way back then."
"Well, now you'll have to walk with confetti in your pocket at all times. They turn into little tricksters during Halloween!" Zenji said, back to his normal booming voice.
"W-what do they do if you dont have confetti?" You asked, still a bit wary after the whole Dryad story.
Zenji quirked an eyebrow and smiled mischievously.
"They triiiiiiiip you!" He said, making claws with his hand and elongating his words to make them sound a bit spookier.
You laughed loudly, finally relaxing.
"That's such a cute problem compared to that tree!"
"It's all the magic of Halloween, my dear! Oh! Also, be careful of the Jack O' Lanterns!" he added once you two passed by a bunch of pumpkins who, apparently, seemed to be moving around and humming some unknown tune.
"Do they kill people, too?"
"No, but they bite you if you try to stop them from singing." He said and you laughed loudly once again "I must admit I understand their passion! The flow of creativity and art must never stop!" Zenji added, passionately empathizing with the pumpkins.
You couldn’t keep yourself from giggling as you got close to the cathedral.
"Anything else I should know?"
"I can't seem to remember anything in specific… Oh! Don't accept candy from strangers."
You raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"Well, that's the usual mom advice."
"But this one is serious, my dear!" He said, shaking his hands as if he was trying to attest to the seriousness of his words. "There are rumors of an unknown candy offered by a strange man that's so addicting that it quickly becomes all that people think about. They try and try to find the strange man again to no avail, since he's only here on Halloween, when the veil that separates the living and the dead is thinner."
You hummed in thought at his words. Zenji continued his tale.
"Apparently no other candly can ever compare to the sweetness of the one that had been given to them. They get so obsessed and depressed that they cannot eat it anymore, that they fall into deep despair… But those are just rumors."
He finished his tale right as you two climbed the first steps of the Cathedral's entrance.
"Say, what did you mean when you said the veil is thinner?" You turned around, standing a few steps in front of him, in order to look at his face, a little obscured by the moonlight.
"Oh, the magic of Halloween, my dear. The threshold that separates the living from the dead is barely there! Ghosts come to this plane to play, and humans can join them!"
"So more people can see ghosts?"
"Yes, indeed!"
"Can they touch them?"
"Well, from time to time, I believe, yes."
You pause, and Zenji tilts his head, looking at you with a bit of confusion on his face.
"What's wrong, my dear?"
With his words in mind and the hope that Darkwick's supernatural air was on your side you hesitantly reach out for his hand.
You gasp loudly once you feel the cold of his skin against your fingertips. You scramble closer, hurriedly intertwining your fingers with his.
“It was just a test but… it truly worked…” you murmured, eyeing the way your fingers were intertwined with his long and slender ones.
Zenji, for the first time you’ve ever known him, seemed speechless. He could only blink as he felt a faint yet still warm sensation against his usually unfeeling hands.
You leaned in, grabbing his other hand and interlacing your fingers in the same manner. A smile graced your lips while you cheerfully swung your arms, and his widened eyes moved back to stare at yours, bewildered.
“It’s the magic of Halloween.” you murmured, winking at him.
And when Zenji laughed, utter joy warming his voice, you were sure that you would never feel cold again.
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anyway you could please write more Dominic/ angus fics either just domestic life, or pregnant read?
ok i talked a lot ab domestic dom, but domestic angus... 👀
first of all, let's paint a picture: you meet him at college, it's very meet-cute while in your undergrad at harvard university, you're both studying in the library and need to use the same big dusty textbook at the same time so you sit next to each other and share it, but it's not a lot of studying a lot more whispered conversations and flirting, and he walks you back to your dorm and as he watches you go inside, he thinks, for the first time in his life, how much he would like to have a life with you, like sure he's been horny before and has had crushes, but never anything like that
anyway fast forward, you're both graduated and in your post-grad programs, and you've been dating for like 5 years at this point?? angus got close to proposing to you when you both graduated but decided not to do that bc he didn't want to be the reason that you decided not to pursue grad school, so he's kept that to himself (but fully has a ring and is just waiting for what he thinks is the right time)
WELL you discover one day in march that you think?? you might be?? pregnant?? and obviously you and angus had talked about kids before, you've been dating for 5 years, of course you've talked about it, so you know that angus is riding the dr. spencer reid train, ab how he's worried that he has his father's sickness and how he doesn't want to pass it down to any potential kids and how he thinks he'll ultimately be a bad father bc look at the material he has to work with yknow
but you tell him that you're going to the doctor to see but you're like "it's possible that i'm just late on my period, the stress of startin g my masters program yknow, but i'm keeping you updated just in case" but he's like "can i come with you?" and you tell him it's a little useless bc you're certain you're just late like "i know what's gonna happen, i'm going to the doctor's tomorrow morning, and then tomorrow night my period will come, and i'll have been paranoid for nothing" but he's like "nah if there's a chance, i'm gonna be there"
and. whoops. but you've been so careful! you don't know how this happened! but angus is immediately very excited, and you talk it over that night at dinner and you're like "i do want a baby... i just.. i dunno, i thought we'd be married and shit by the time we had a baby..." and angus instantly gets up from the table and goes and gets the ring he has, and he's like "here :) we can get married before the baby gets here :) if you'd like that :)"
and of course you do, and you ask him like "how long have you had that???" and he's all pinky and shy like "... a while..." and you DO chalk your crying up to pregnancy hormones, but angus slips the ring onto your hand and he can't stop cheesing all night
and the next 10 months fly by in a snap, you tell all your friends and family that you're engaged and pregnant, and of course angus's mom and stepdad want to make a big deal out of it, like want a big traditional church wedding and shit, but like that's not you?? and you're not gonna compromise with your mother in law like you refuse to, and especially when your tummy starts to swell and press against your jeans, you don't want to try to pretend that you're anything but you, no matter how badly judy clotfeltter wants you to be some perfect sweet little wife to her son
you end up marrying angus right around halloween time, a cold breeze chills your spine and angus holds your hand as you go up the steps to city hall, one of your friends from university is your legal witness, and your marriage is finalized with the pen leaking a lil on your fingers so the polaroid your friend snaps has you with a smudge of black ink on your cheek that you had no idea about until angus wipes it off with his thumb
and angus oh my god, he is RELISHING in being a husband and a father-to-be, he never ever thought he' d be the domestic type but he finds such peace in the promise that you're there for him no matter what, doesn't matter if his doctoral advisor told him that he has to push back his research deadline or if his mother had called and mentioned something about his father, he knows for a fact that you'll be on the couch when he gets home, surely listening to the new linda ronstadt record and singing to your belly, and that he can come lay his head in your lap and you'll brush out his curls and kiss his ear and listen to him bitch and moan and get everything out of his system
and every night before bed, after your shower, he insists on (and gets a little pouty if you deny him) rubbing cocoa butter into your tummy and kissing your stretch marks and listening to you bitch and moan about how your back hurts and you feel your heartburn in your toes and how you hate hate HATE the way your body doesn't even look like yours anymore, and when you get teary and whimper out how you're so nervous and scared about everything, angus is so good to you, he holds you and wipes up your tears and holds your face and assures you that any kid who get to you call his mom is like winning the lottery here bc "baby, you are so kind and smart and funny, and god you're a knockout, fuckin the best woman to ever walk the earth, i know it, and baby won't have a choice but to love you and appreciate the fuck outta you"
and you nest like a motherfucker even though you don't know the baby's sex, you agonize over what color to paint the walls of the nursery (which was angus's office previously, but he donated most of his old textbooks that were just taking up space, although he DID keep the like 6 year old copy of aurelius' meditations for some reason, even tho he's like never even opened it) and finally angus helps you decide on a nice light green, soft to the eyes, but he will not let you do any of the painting or even be in the room bc "paint fumes, mrs tully, bad for you and bad for baby!"
eventually, christmas comes and goes, and new years too, and you're so pregnant that you feel like a fucking blimp, and baby will not stop kicking your ribs omg, but angus adores pressing his palm to your stomach and feeling baby kick his hand, his eyes glitter and he smiles all lopsided "holy shit..."
and then one night you're grading papers (since part of your masters' program requires you to TA for at least one semester, so might as well do the spring term before baby arrives) when there's a tight cramp low in your belly and suddenly your seat and sweatpants are soaked, and you're like "umm??!!"
and angus is out with some friends that night, first time in a WHILE that he gets to hang out so OF COURSE baby decides it's his time to shine, and you phone the bar angus told you they'd be at, and you ask the bartender to ask for angus, and he comes to the phone pretty quick "hey, what's up?" he asks all casual-like
"angus i either just pissed myself right now or my water just broke"
he tells you to stay right where you are and he'll come get you, and you like?? don't know what to do with yourself?? so you change clothes out of your damp pants and get the bag that angus had meticulously packed in prep for this exact moment, a onesie for baby and shit like that
and angus wants so badly to be in the delivery room but he's like Not A Fan of it, he loves you and every part of you, as well as every part of his baby, but the sight of all of it makes his stomach turn, so he stands upwind by your head and focuses all on your face, wiping up the sweat that dots your hairline and trying to keep you calm
all things considered, it happens quick as fuck, you get to the hospital around 10pm , and by 4am your baby is earth-side, and the relief that washes over you when you hear their tiny little screaming is all warm in your chest, and you let your head fall back and you laugh a little "jesus christ..." and angus kisses your face and pushes your hair out of your eyes "oh my fucking god, baby... we've got a baby"
and when you see them for the very first time, all cleaned up, your eyes water up at the little pink hat they put on her fuzzy head— you had never learned the sex on purpose, and your little daughter is all rosy and small and she's here, she's real and here, and you had never understood what people meant when they said that instincts kick in until the nurse puts her on your chest, and your arms come and cuddle her and gently rub her back, and you softly shush her whines and she settles down in an instant
"hi pretty girl" you whisper because she is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you see the little bump on the bridge of her nose, and you look up to see the same nose on her father, and you can't help but cry
and seeing angus holding her for the first time, his big hands dwarf her tiny little 6 and a half pound body, and he's looking at her like she's a space alien like "holy shit... our daughter... she smells really good... like, warm milk or somethin..."
and getting little miss violet tully home, and angus hangs out in her nursery and watches her sleep, and there's a couple times in those first few weeks where you're like "ang... you have a meeting on campus in an hour..." and he's just heart-eyes at violet like "but i just wanna watch her forever!"
her hair starts to come in, brassy but dark, just like angus's baby hair, and her blue newborn eyes pretty quickly darken down to a dark hazel-y brown, and you're talking to some friends of yours like "i carry her for close to a year, and she ends up looking nothing like me and everything like her father"
but in the morning, when angus gets violet up from her crib and brings her into the bedroom to wake you up and cuddle, with your husband's cheek on your shoulder and your daughter cooing on your chest, everything seems so right
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Here, have a little treat, Roy and Riza being disgustingly in love !!
A little closeup of my baby, Riza Hawkeye the woman you are.
I need everyone to understand that they are in love, they adore each other I need to you to understand me please understand they are in love.
I need to be put down
#Every time I look at them they make me want to throw up#I need to study for finals I can't study for finals#The brain rot is truly rotting#fma brotherhood#fma fanart#fullmetal alchemist#fullmetal alchemist brotherhood#riza hawkeye#young royai#fmab roy#fmab riza#roy mustang#royai fanart#royai#roy mustang/riza hawkeye#fullmetal alchemist fanart#fmab fanart#my art
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and what if I filled a .json file with every apparel and gene item on the site so I could make a Project Price Calculator in python. what then
#I feel fucking insane but someone needs to take one for the team and finally make a robust price calculator#NO IDEA how I'd share it if I finished it though. only viable options I see are switching to js and putting it up on like. neocities 😭#because I am NOT paying for a website host‼️#or letting people download it + open it as an executable file. run my suspicious program Boy#can't use sheets for it because some of the options I want to implement are too complicated also I hate sheets.#there are probably a dozen better ways to go about this I've just never had to think about them before lol#anyways. ~4.5k individual items.#if you think about it this doubles as studying for my programming class <- in denial
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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I just realized that I've been putting too much on my plate lately and instead of getting some of that shit done all I end up with is feeling sick every week and things keep accumulating and I stress myself ten times more and I end up doing nothing, reading something to distract myself of the fucking titanic quest I put my ass on
#i want to graduate so fucking much but i need to take so many finals for that and i need a good job because i can't afford my almost 200k#meds without a good medical insurance and i need to take as many finals i can while i have this more chill job but I'm taking 2 classes that#just require time but i also have to deal with it's deadlines and i have 2 investigation projects going on and i want to make a paper with#my friend and it would fit so perfectly with the Complutense meeting we want to be part of but it's deadline is the day after my final so i#have to give it a shape before that so our professor can gave it a look and tell us if it's ok BUT I'm feeling like shit and I'm on bed s#since yesterday because my ovary might have some cyst going on and it's painful like shit but my lab it's going to be ready next monday#so i have to wait until then and i need to call my insurance to talk about money because the only gynecologist who treat me like a human#doesn't work with my insurance anymore so i have to pay for her but i want to know how much they'll cover and then i have to make an#appointment with her AND I also feel tired and have slight fever that comes and goes and i might have some autoimmune shit going on too#and those lab are ready for the 16 and I've been calling all afternoon to make another tests but no one does it and i should be studying and#reading for the paper#and my room looks like a storm broke in and i need to clean it so i can use my fucking desk to study‚ read and search for fucking jobs#I'm at my fucking limit#not to mention how i go onboard of any project or volunteer work i come across#chronicles of Yu's life
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I'm giving up
#an is venting#I don't know#I really feel doomed lately#I don't want to keep going with uni and I know it's not a good solution#but I might leave some of my classes because I can't deal with the stress#and I need to study for finals so I need time#time I'm wasting in feeling bad because of course I'm not doing anything actually#ugh
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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yay
#today was graduation day for my classmates and i could've been there graduating too if i wasn't such a fuck up that had to drop off lol#i'm trying so hard so hard to get my shit together but every time i end up crying and feeling stupid because i can't do basic tasks yay#i can't wake up early to go for a walk or exercise or study and if i wake up is because i have to go to work#i work because i need the money and i cook because my brother needs to eat because if it was up to me i just wouldn't#and i'm so tired of existing by 5 or 6 pm that i don't feel like studying or exercising or going for a walk or anything#then i play videogames with my boyfriend because that's our couple time and if i can't do anything for myself at least i gotta do it for him#it's like i've been living in this state of nothingness for idk how long where nothing excites me anymore#but since i can get up from bed and go to work and class and eat at least twice a day it's not that bad and i don't need that much help#anyway hopefully by december i can tell y'all that i finally graduated lol
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I am sad now
#i have an impossible amount of work and I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it#i can't find my debit card and i need to get gas so huh???? I also don't have any cash on me#I have a final tomorrow that I can't study for because of the work#My friends just went on vacation today but i couldn't go today because of the work#i will go tomorrow after all the work is due (notice how I didn't say “done”😞#that's driving 2 hours by myself instead of a fun roadtrip with friends#But first I have to do this work#I don't want to DO this work though#I don't want to fail the class and I think I'm going to :(
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maybe i should have gone into practical effects instead of computer science...
#when i was in middle school i used to use red and black pens + spit for blending to make it look like the backs of my hands were torn open#i can't believe it's almost 4am. i just spent 5 hours typing up an essay about MM's erik that i just fuckin privated bc i was embarrassed#AND I STILL NEVER SPELL HIS NAME RIGHT THE FIRST TIME AAAAAAAA#i was right but im going to save all my points for the fanfic im currently planning out and promptly NEVER GOING TO ACTUALLY WRITE#I say shoving my plans for my h2o s3 rewrite off the table#yes i skipped from s2 to s3 i had a BRILLIANT idea [season 3 h2o spoilers ahead be wary my mutuals who are still watching]#okay so you know how lewis goes to the american institute of marine bio in the middle of 3? since this is tied to my s2 rewrite fic i wante#to actually finally reasonably re-introduced dr denman to the story because i never liked that she just fucked off at the end of s1#despite WITNESSING the moon pool magic. so i made it so she runs into lewis while doing a presentation for the college and they have a chat#(because her JAW paper plays an important part in my s2 rewrite bc i imagine lewis is the kind of guy who SAYS he deleted every copy of#it... but ACTUALLY he secretly printed himself out a copy to study in private to compare to his own notes bc#[lewis voice] come *on* guys just THINK of the progress that he could make with this! [grabby hands in front of chest])#so yeah they have a chat and Linda kind of gives Lewis the opposite dilemma in s3 that Louise gives him in s1 about science and magic#since SHE knows about the moon pool and has been biding her time and she knows Lewis knows and Lewis is like ah... uh oh.#it will eventually tie into the idea it's not about forcing science and magic together or separating them#its abt respectfully and responsibly utilizing both to see their fullest potential. which lewis learned in s2 and Linda has... not.#BUT#later on she gets a call from 1 (one) ryan who is like 'hey so i heard u did environmental studies on mako for dr bennett a couple years ag#and i was wondering if you've seen anything weird there as im currently doing a-' and she's immediately like 'YOU SON OF A BITCH IM IN'#and he's like 'wha-' and she's like 'i have already booked my plane tickets we're going to have a great time we have lots to talk about :)'#and wheeee now they have someone who knows about mermaids on their team and it's the perfect way to bring lewis back to relevancy in s3 :D#it also gives me reason to have two bad bitches (linda and sophie) meet and get to know each other which is not a dynamic ive seen in#any of the H2O fics i've ever read so im very hyped to delve into how they'll play off each other#also charlotte is there so technically three bad bitches (only in my au Charlotte never lost her tail and is part of the gang she just move#because she felt like she needed to leave to really be able to find herself without being in her grandmother's shadow but she comes back bc#well... it's season 3 mako is sounding the fucking emergency alarms everyone is showing up sdkghkfjhg)#im also so so so hyped to show u guys who's coming back in the s2 rewrite because it ISNT denman and i think everyone thinks it will be :3c#(i said she when telling ppl to look forward to a familiar face... but can u blame me for getting hype she's one of my favorite characters!#i love u H2O#cruddy rambles
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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Save me dramatic sci-fi movie soundtracks while doing homework. Dramatic sci-fi movie soundtracks. Save me...
#🔭.txt#really need the oppenheimer soundtrack to convince me that I'm doing something important while studying#pleaaassseeeee#i need motivation#i can't fail this final#i've already failed both midterms#i need a massive curve as well#i did the math: with no curve even if i get a perfect score on the final i'll have a 70 in the class#so i need a good grade AND a big curve#the other people in this class are so terrifyingly smart#what are they doing that i'm not#what are they being fed to be like this#i just want to pass physics#correction: i NEED to pass physics#preferably with like a b but i don't want to me too ambitious
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