#I take care of myself or I have to deal with pain
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Greed (Part Two)
Lucifer
"Well, hello MC," Solomon merrily greets when he opens the front door of the cabin. As soon as he sees me, however, his expression grows more serious. "Lucifer, is everything alright?"
"I'm afraid not," I reply. "There's been an incident, and--"
"Tie me up," MC abruptly interrupts, their voice slightly strained. Solomon looks between the two of us, clearly confused.
"I'd do what they say," I suggest. He's still unsure, but he nevertheless lets us in and pulls out a chair from the kitchen for MC to sit in. He utters a spell that causes ropes to magically appear and wrap around them, effectively keeping them in place.
"There'd better be a good explanation for this," he warns, turning his attention back to me. "I'm not about to hurt my apprentice--" My phone suddenly rings, and I quickly excuse myself to another room to answer it.
"What happened?" I ask once I've answered the call.
"Mammon's lost the coin," Satan quietly responds on the other end. "The dumbass kept tossing it in the air, and it ended up rolling off somewhere."
"So you've haven't made it back to the House yet?" Satan sighs.
"No. We're still in the forest. He's making us look for the stupid thing."
"Asmo, I don't care about your fucking nails! We're not leaving until my lucky coin is back in my hands!" I've never heard Mammon scream that loud, and he's one of the more noisy ones in the bunch when he's arguing with someone.
"We're literally on our hands and knees, combing through every single thing on the ground. It's fucking ridiculous, if you ask me." I sigh.
"This is probably going to be a stupid question on my part, but has anyone tried to tell him to let the coin go so that you can get home safely?"
"Belphie." He pauses. "His statement caused Mammon to go berserk, and somehow he used magic to force us to the ground. If we even try to stand up, he makes the most excruciating pain shoot down our bodies." A faint whipping sound cuts through the air on his end. "And that would be due to him spotting someone taking a rest." This isn't good. Not at all.
"I'm assuming you've found a place to hide?"
"Yes, but I'll have to move soon. I hear him getting closer." Something suddenly starts rattling loudly, followed by various objects shattering on the ground.
"Lucifer, I think that's coming from your end," Satan nervously observes. "Did you at least make it to the cabin?"
"We did. Listen, I'm giving you permission to use whatever means necessary to knock Mammon out. Just make sure it's not fatal. Call me when you've done that." I quickly end the call and rush back to Solomon and MC, only to find the room they're in to be an absolute wreck.
"Let me go!" MC yells. Solomon looks like he's walked through a minefield with his hair in disarray and his clothes torn.
"As I keep telling you, I can't do that--"
"Whose side are you on, Solomon?! His?!"
"Look, I think it's unfair that he stole the coin from you, but--"
"But what?! You don't think he deserves to get punished?!"
"That isn't what I'm saying--"
"MC." They snap their head, focusing their attention on me. "Pull yourself together. You're being unreasonable." The air around them begins glowing.
"How dare you!" MC screams.
"Great, Lucifer," Solomon complains. "I was trying to calm them down, not provoke them even further."
"And how well is that turning out for you?" Silence. He may know MC better than I do, but I've dealt with Satan on the warpath many times before. Explanations mean nothing when someone is in this state, so the best thing to do is to be simply firm and wait for them to tire out on their own.
"Let me at him!"
"No."
"It's my coin, and I want it back!"
"No." Is it my imagination, or are the ropes starting to break?
"Of course you would side with Mammon."
"I will deal with him accordingly."
"Then why are you still here?!" In a nearly blinding flash, the ropes fly off MC, and they lunge themselves at me, knocking me down to the ground. I quickly spin us around so that I'm able to pin them down. They're thrashing about, but that's to be expected.
"Sleep." Their body quickly goes limp as the magic behind the command takes over them. I stand up and dust myself off. I don't have to look at Solomon to know that he's glaring at me.
"They'll be fine," I tell him. "It'll just be a few hours before they're awake again. Help me get them in bed." He's still seething, but he at least comes over and assists me. It's not until we've gotten MC tucked in and leaving their room that he reacts by slamming me against the wall.
"What the fuck is going on?" he whispers threateningly.
While I certainly have enough strength to throw him off me, I'm not about to get into another fight. Plus, I do understand why he's upset at me. In his eyes, I'm currently a threat to his loved one's safety. He has every right to protect them.
Especially since I'm trying to do the same thing. It'd be hypocritical of me to hold his feelings against him while experiencing them myself.
"Growing pains." If I gave that answer to someone else, they'd probably demand a more detailed explanation after chastising me for being so vague.
Thankfully, Solomon's smart enough to read between the lines of my short answer.
"They're affecting MC."
"Yes." The fact that he doesn't pose that as a question makes me suspect that he knows something that I don't. Then again, he did know MC back when they were human, so perhaps it makes some degree of sense.
Solomon steps away from me, allowing me to move freely.
"How much time do you have?" he asks.
"Enough."
"Good. Fancy a trip back to the castle?"
Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy
#obey me shall we date#obey me nightbringer#obey me lucifer#obey me mc#obey me solomon#obey me satan#obey me mammon#so to clear up any potential confusion#nb!lucifer still believes the cover story he's been told about mc's origins#obviously solomon would know differently and has drawn conclusions that he wants to bounce off nb!diavolo and barbatos#since the two of them know the truth about mc's origins already#ie: that both mc and solomon come from a different timeline#also left a wee bit of foreshadowing for what's to come later on#AKA the part of the original version of this season that has been in my head ever since it first released#and took over the fandom for about a week or so#but many people disagreed with the original reason for why said thing happened (myself included)
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i hate when i try to research suicide methods that are as painless as possible, but most of the results are like "there's help to get". no there isnt!!!! stop lying ._.
#i wish every country had medical assistance in dying as canada has#just getting pills prescribed and then go home and die in ur bed painlessly and without fear#that should be available to everyone#u shouldnt have to deal w the fear nd pain nd loneliness to first find a possible way thats is accessible to u#then consider the pain/injuries of possible failing the attempt or it taking too long and giving u 2nd thoughts#like if i jump off a building or bridge i will prob regret it in the air falling to my death#i dont wanna deal w that awful misery nd anxiety#shooting myself in the head is the most desirable one bc theres not a moment to regret#u shoot nd then ur dead#BUT u have to shoot right or else u survive b w brain damage lol#also guns arent accessible here.... i dont even know how i'd get my hands on one#idk... getting prescribed pills from the health care system and then dying painlessly without anxiety nd stress nd fear is the best#but every country in the world denies ppl that right :((((
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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Oh so I like CAN'T DO THIS can't do this
#maybe I'm just being extra dramatic and sorry for myself bc it's a pain week + everything else#but i slept 2 hrs last night before mum woke me up and now i literally don't have the energy to deal with her#and now I'm so stressed and tired that even thinking about doing nice stuff at the weekend is stressing me out#and i just want to sleep#and i can't take care of her#at least max is here so she's gonna eat some food and whatever else#but she's having a restless day where she needs entertaining dawn til dusk and i just can't#hilarious that dad thinks i could be a carer. like professionally. no the fuck i could not i get tired having to care for MYSELF.#i am empathetic but i am NOT nice or patient and i want to start biting#and if i ended up having to look after her alone i would be. fucked.
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despair cancelled (for now), the ointment I picked up at the drug store is helping with the most annoying pain immensely 🙏
#brb crying with relief#i'm zinc ointment's number 1 fan fr!!!!!!!#gonna keep a tube of that stuff stocked in my personal medicine drawer from now on#really need it with how often my body keeps betraying me in this particular department#(still sucks that even the experts in that field always tell me i need to wait it out whenever there's a reoccurrence)#(at least drugstore zinc ointment works just as well as the overpriced stuff at the pharmacy)#(taking care of myself as best as i can without going to the doctors and getting berated for things i cannot help)#(not my first rodeo. also trying my best to not let it get as bad as the one time the pain sent me to the ER)#(where i got belittled and laughed about over my issues by several doctors and nurses after waiting to be seen for hours lol)#(they literally just told me to suck it up and take some ibuprofen. cool)#anyway sorry for the ramble it's still a sore subject#really sucks that my connective tissue is fucked in some way and i'l always have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life#because each reoccurrence makes the issue a little worse each time. coolio. go me.
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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh#like. typing this is excruciating#but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh#my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell#doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being#which. uh#SUCKS#bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins#and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough#and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself#bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured#oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention#my migraines r out of control#my joint problems r also way worse#and u kno what ? i would like to die now#thanks#truly and genuinely#im so done#i cant keep going this way#my doctor has no idea what to do#and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program#which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes#that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain#jfc#our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer#AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently#so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up#catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me
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SORRY TO TAKE SUCH A HARD LEFT BUT HOW DO YOU THINK JO FOUND OUT ARAKAWA WAS DEAD
IM GOING TO SCREAM IF I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOOOOO I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU IN 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS WITH THAT ONE............
#snap chats#id shit and cry if aoki was the one that told him in a condescending/bitchy way yk what i mean#like as if to jab at jo like 'oh dont worry about dealing with dad- since you were too incompetent to do it i had someone else handle it'#not that word for word im SURE but yk what i mean. just GENERALLY thats the energy#the timing of this ask is soooo funny i was just talkin to my twit friend bout arasawa#and how youve been inspiring me to draw it more again as of late and this is NOT helping !!!! i am ADDING IT to my LIST#cause i want to be in pain i guess (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ`) I JUST SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD EGUUUGHH#im still gonna chew on the idea of How tho im still gonna chew on it cause i have other stuff lined up Obvi but..... OUGH PAIN...#verrrrry awkward when i post a thing in liek an hour cause that shit gon be a lil cute so then i just got this in the back of my dome ☠️☠️#thank you........#throwing up as i remember aoki being like 'you're acting strange lately' brb#OUUGHHGH dying.#LIKE IM JUST THINKIG OF ALL THE EMOTIONS JO WOULDVE BEEN FEELING- /ESP/ IF HE WAS IN FRONT OF AOKI#how would he even cope... i mean judging by the eye scene Not Well butu OUUGHvLKJVALKJ#ITS THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS AGAIN CAUSE LIKE he SHOUULDNT care as much as he does right...#arakawa was just his boss... but if THAT was the case why not take him out when jo was first asked too.....#aoki is his priority in life right...... arakawa wasn't supposed to be anyone important BUT THEN HE DID BECOME IMPORTANT#making myself throw up#anyway this is why jo shouldve been allowed to rip tendo to shreds. in my humble opinion. <- sobbing#NAWWW IT THE WAY I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH MY SIS RIGHT AFTER THIS WELKFJALFKJLKVJ#I CANT BE NORMALLLLL
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And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long
#I know it's morbid but the only thing I can think about is how fucking mad I am at my parents and how I wish I had someone else to take care#of my things and burial if I were to die#they don't know me#they would do everything against my wishes because they never cared to listen#and Especially I am mad at my dad cause when this started he was around and I was really scared and upset and nearly crying and I told him#that I was considering going to the hospital right there and then and then he didn't. fucking say anything or ask if I was okay#they'll never listen anything just registers as crazy fucking kid having a tantrum again let's give her space leave her out of sight#And I had to Yell at him to stop telling me not to go to the hospital the next day and I mean Yell and he still said they'd deny it#that I was making it up if I had just been on my fucking own I wouldn't have double guessed myself on it and gone to the wrong specialist#and wasted time and gotten to the point where it's not like debilitating pain but constantly aware that it's there and I can only like eat#heart healthy shit that I don't even like and wait and god I am so upset at them why so I have to be alone and yet still be so tied to them#why pretend to care when I've said time and time again they're still hurting me like nearly everytime we see each other#Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite#but my body is telling me that if I want to cry I have to deal with it physically feeling like there's a hole between my ribs so#I'll hold off on it#I'll be fine#god going to sleep has been the absolute worse#delete later
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#frustrated#bc#i want to help my parents and i also like#need to get weed#thats the entirety of the medical care i can give myself rn#that is pain management and anymore its the only reason i can eat#ik part of my appetite issues HAS to be all the stress#n we're dealing with actual like winter conditions so my body is so angry#my passive pain level hasnt been so high in a long fucking time#id have to just take the fucking bottle of ibuprofen for it to do fuck all for me and i have nothing else#so if im in a mood#im sorry im trying so hard to not let it affect me that much im just#i sat down for the first time after work and my everything hurts so bad i teared up#doin great out here tonight#itll pass#it will pass#i just need to bitch about it a minute
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Because I’ve been dealing with so much shit late, especially medically, I have decided that I’m going to get my hair cut some time in the next month (have to work around appointments though) so that I officially have dead boy hair. Aka the Jason Todd look. Aka shorter then I have ever gone before.
And I’ve been putting off going really short because I’m afraid of how people will react, especially if it comes out how I want and I wind up looking more masc (more gender also). But like, after all this shit I’ve decided to say Fuck It
And this haircut is my reward for all the pushing I’ve been doing to find answers (and all the war crimes I didn’t do every time someone said I just needed to exercise to fix all my problems). And also kind of a birthday present to myself, because you know that day and the time around it is kind of not great for me and usually I buy myself a game I want but this time I’m going for hair.
#ravenpuff rambles#I don’t really know what the point of this was#I just wanted to say I was treating myself to a hair cut as a reward for dealing with shit but y’all know I have words#anyways I deserve a treat for all the fucking times I’ve been told I could magically fix myself with exercise#as if everyone ever hasn’t suggested it and I hadn’t tried it (more then once!!) just to prove it didn’t work#swear to fucking god if the neurologist tells me there’s nothing wrong with me and my pain is fake and I’m making it up or I just need to#exercise or lose weight to help#swear to god that’s going to be my motherfucking Joker moment#fucking need to move to Gotham to become a supervillain just so when Batman asks me why I can tell him how much the medical system has faile#me and now I’m taking my pain out on the city#and then Batman will hook me up with care and people who will work to get answers#because if they give up I go back to blowing up the bridge and causing crime level chaos
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#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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#meg talks#mmmmmmm panic.#p sure the muscle relaxant/NSAID combo has given me gatroparesis 💀#which is. bad#and also potentially a sign of diabetes? which im at p high risk of so u know. that’s fun#idk for sure obviously and maybe im just working myself up but 🥲 i don’t have any way to know#bc i have no sick time to take off work and go see a doctor ggghhhffgghhh#if my stupid ass had just taken this seriously sooner i could have gone to see someone over this weekend…#maybe in the morning i can at least get a telemed appointment but O/—< i wish i could go in person…#just. feeling frustrated. first this shit with my sciatic nerve#and now the meds to deal w the nerve pain give me potentially severe stomach problems#i think anyway. idk#at least i already took thursday off in advance for a visit to the pain clinic…#maybe after that appointment i can get myself to urgent care… or maybe the doc at the clinic can prescribe some kind of treatment#im just 🥲 it takes so much time and money to deal with this shit and i don’t have an abundance of either one#i just want healthcare man.
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🚬🧸🧃🎀
#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance#so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life#and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future#so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D#what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it#i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months#then i'll start my other 4 classes in january#i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt#if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may#if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless#i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education#bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it#also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move#i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try#i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?
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Most of the time I think life is so so good and then I have one minuscule moment of pain again and it’s like nvm I need to die
#you ever have a good pain week and then you can feel your body getting tense again even when you’re trying to be proactive and it doesn’t#help anymore and you feel like a child again I feel like when I first started hurting when I first realized this was forever I feel like#when I would spend nights crying and thinking about how this was my body and this was my life and how it’ll be like this forever#I almost hate feeling good bc I forget how shitty it is when I hurt#like I truly forget that pain is forever when I have a good couple days and then it always comes back and even when it’s not brutal#immediately I know it will get there again.#I’m pmsing and I’m nervous bc I am stressed and I’ll be starting a new job next week and my shoulders are set more forward then they normal#are and ik it’s from driving and stress and sleeping in so many different places but like god how do I stop being afraid of my body#falling apart while im still using it.#I’m preparing myself for the inevitable endo flare. if it isn’t this month it’ll be some other month. how do I explain to a new boss that I#might have to call out a couple days in a row every month bc I’ll be busy curled up in a ball crying or sleeping for two days#how do I explain that I have to lie about how much I can carry and how long I can stay on my feet because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to#get a job anywhere#ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel incredibly young and small and my life is short and just beginning and it feels like it’s racing me to the end#I will hurt in some capacity forever. I just have to deal with that. between emotional and physical pain I am hurting constantly but this#last week has been so fucking good and I have to go back to my regular life tomorrow and try to be good and fix myself and still remember to#stretch even when I’m not driving ten hours and it’s just so hard#I hope I take care of myself. I hope I stop hurting I hope I can be happy soon
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Anyway, kind of don't want want my house decorated in old lady kitsch or to be dressed in nouveau riche pensioner chic
May shock you, but I find that kind of insulting and want to fill my house with my own shit and figuring out making my own clothes so I can wear something nice that I like that isn't just overpriced plastic that falls apart instantly
#the kitsch isn't stuff I hate it's just not stuff for me#I'll probably just give it away over the years being like#'like don't feel forced to take it; but that's why I have it; so if you like it give it a good loving home like I can't'#like there's a little dinosaur fellow who is a cookie jar and he's nice... but he's living on a bottom shelf in the pantry#I'd love it if someone I liked saw him and loved him and took him home and put him front and center somewhere#they could send me a picture and I'd be happy for him and I'd have more room#I love my stuff; I want it to be happy and properly loved... I can't do that for most of it#I want to repair it all and the ones I can't properly love find the right home for#it actually... it actually hurts me a lot how things are but... what can you do but keep moving forward#I just kind of ignore it#my mom was constantly having breakdowns during cleaning up the trailer but like me...#you think it didn't shred me instead seeing all this stuff I loved or wanted to love but... like there's this really beautiful lamp I have#don't think I can keep it cause too much pain from my mom that's held for me in it#need to find it a good home; cause it's great... I'm just kind of too broken to hold it ever#anyway... you think the trailer didn't constantly devastate me you're wrong; but I just turned myself off and worked...#just can't have feelings when there's work to be done; can't think; you just take care of it if you want hope for a time to deal with it#I still can't deal with it; but if I get stuff fixed up... well... probably just pass it to others and still not deal with it#repression is what holds me together for sure; don't mess with a working system#hopefully some day I manage to just kill my personality and become an automaton doing the tasks I want done#but for now repression works#mm tag so i can find things later
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It's late so I'm screaming into the void AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#im sick of pain and heartbreak#it's really so exhausting having my spirit crushed#then i remember oh thats right thats why i don't open up#but shutting down is how i got here#years later dealing with shit bc i essentially paused my feelings to survive#it makes me feel weak but on the other hand both of my therapists dealt with ppl in similar situations that were institutionalized#and thankfully ive never been that bad#i mean i dont even sh or drink#i smoke but i literally have a med card so idc lol#im doing good i really am#im taking care of myself better than ever#but its still too much sometimes#urdtarah complains
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