#I talk to my friend who got drafted and is trans and may never come out because if they do they can get arrested as a 'prostitute'

[bijoumikhawal]

"Biden is the best choice and he's actually really empathetic and reasonable but also you can't wait for a candidate that won't do genocide and war crimes because to become a presidential candidate you have to be willing to do that" see what you fundamentally don't understand is I'm not waiting for a candidate that won't do war crimes, because I know that. I cannot morally stomach this system, it's a joke to claim its democratic, and AMERICA DELENDA EST. this country is a plague on this Earth

[yulmoldauer]

some things are better left unsaid (Tyson Jost/Male OC): Chapter 2

part 1

Chapter 2

Summary: Mason has to deal with the events of the previous night.

Warnings: uh as you can guess if you read the first part, there’s gonna be homophobia/transphobia talked about. Otherwise, there shouldn’t be anything that needs a warning? If I’m wrong just let me know :)

Words: 2,319

Notes: I don’t think I have much! This is like a lot of flashbacks and I’m sorry but that's character building baybee!!! I promise after this it’ll be more present-based stuff. I just love the character and wish I could spew out my brain and make it understandable lol

Fuck.

That was the only thought Mason had upon waking up. The implications of the previous night hit him like a ton of bricks. His hangover was just an added bonus.

The party had been fun, obviously, but Tyson was still here. Tyson had seen his top surgery scars.

“When did you have surgery?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. A medical degree and some knowledge on what other surgery would leave these scars would be helpful. Mason really did not want to lie, but he wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to do.

Being drunk wasn’t helping, either. In his mind, the world was ending and his career was over after the last fuck up that got him traded…

Rationally, he just burst into tears. Not a dramatic scene or anything, he just felt his eyes watering very quickly and suddenly the tears were rolling down his face.

“Oh, shit. Okay,” Tyson set the water down and hurried to his friend. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was- here, will you feel better if you get a shirt on?”

Mason only nodded, allowing Tyson to help him get the shirt on and pull him for a hug.

This just made Tyson think that the scars were from some shitty, traumatic event or something with extremely bad memories. Note to self: don’t fucking ask about them again was written in large letters in his brain.

He did factor in the extremely likely possibility that Mason was drunk and--as anyone with a brain knows--Mason was a hundred times more dramatic when drunk. Still, though, if he was crying, it couldn’t be a good thing.

At least Tyson had been nice enough to leave him some meds and water after forcing him to go to bed.

“You hungry?” Tyson asked softly from the doorway. “I heard you rumbling around in here, I wasn’t watching you sleep,” he clarified quickly.

“Didn’t think you were,” Mason chuckled. “No, I’m not hungry. Thank you, though. You can help yourself to whatever. You know that.”

“Yeah, I made some toast earlier. Fun birthday last night?” Tyson smiled and sat on the edge of the bed as Mason laid back against the headboard and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“You could say that. Thanks, though. Seriously, I had a ton of fun.”

“Yeah, of course. I didn’t stop you from posting anything on social media, though. I dunno why you like taking videos so much.”

“Then I can save them and rewatch them later,” Mason scoffed like Tyson was an idiot. After a few more seconds Tyson moved to get up mere milliseconds before Mason started talking.

“About last night…”

He hesitated, waiting for some kind of confirmation that Tyson was willing to talk about this. There was no sense putting it off, right?

Tyson just raised his eyebrows. “The scars?”

That earned a nod and Tyson sat back down.

“They’re… shit. Okay, sorry. I never meant to lie or anything--fuck that, I never lied. I just... “

“Dude, if it’s something you don’t want to talk about, that’s fine.”

Mason groaned quietly and shook his head. “No, it’s just… I don’t know how to explain it.”

“If you wanna talk, just say it. I’m not gonna freak out or anything. If you don’t wanna, that’s okay too,” Tyson reassured gently.

Truthfully, the curiosity was killing him. It was rare that an injury happened and they didn’t share it with each other. Mason took a few more breaths before nodding. Psyching himself up.

“They’re from my top surgery.”

Silence.

More silence.

Mason officially wanted to die. He was going to have to request another team change, go through the legal battle of making sure he didn’t get outed--

“Like…?” Tyson asked quietly with raised eyebrows.

“Like I had tits and got them removed the summer before I went to college.”

That may have been a relatively vulgar way to put it, but it was true. It was the simplest and least-awkward way he could think to put it.

“Oh,” Tyson nodded a few times. “Thats--I never knew--I mean, I couldn’t, like, tell or anything…”

“Yeah, that was the point,” he sighed and took a sip of the water on the nightstand. “Noone was supposed to know or be able to tell or whatever.”

“So literally no one knows?”

“Not literally, no. My family knows, obviously.”

“But the league?”

At the defeated sigh that escaped his friend, Tyson quickly backtracked. “You don’t have to get into it, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be prying--”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just… a long story that I don’t know if you actually want to hear or if you’re just being nice.”

“Of course I wanna hear, stupid. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.”

Mason narrowed his eyes at the name, but it was quickly followed with a small smile.

It did take a bit to explain everything, though. How he was drafted into his previous team, everything was fine, and then someone had taken an ungodly amount of time to hit the showers at the same time Mason had been in there.

“Oh, fuck! You scared me,” Mason huffed when he heard the water turn on just across from him.

“What’cha being jumpy for?” the taller guy laughed.

“I’m not jumpy,” Mason grumbled, turning the water off quickly. He wasn’t even sure all the soap was out of his hair, but that didn’t matter. He just needed to get the hell out of there.

“Are you okay, man? You’re being weird-” the other man asked genuinely and glanced over his shoulder. This had been at the same exact time Mason had been trying to just leave as quickly as possible.

There was a few moments of silence that felt like years as the younger grabbed for a towel to cover himself up.

“Are you--?”

“Please, just forget--” Mason tried, but the guy was already turning his water off and grabbing his own towel.

“No, I’m not fucking--are you kidding me, Wright?” he nearly shouted as he stormed out of the room with Mason in tow. “Are you actually kidding me? How the hell have you gotten away with this--”

“I haven’t ‘gotten away with’ anything, you dickhead. It’s none of your business in the first place.”

“It doesn’t matter, you don’t belong here. You know they’ve got the women’s league now, right? It’s not like-”

Mason just shook his head, staring at the floor of the changing room while they were both yanking clothes on as quickly as possible. He didn’t want to hear what was coming next, all the awful shit he’d say.

It wasn’t even what he was saying that was the issue. Mason had heard just about everything at this point and had always had a pretty thick skin. It was the fact that someone he trusted--someone he’d considered family at this point--was saying it.

Didn’t he realize that it wouldn’t be like this if Mason could help it?

“Hey, what the hell is going on?” the head coach cried over them, walking into the room. He hadn’t been concerned about the loudness until it was unbearably obvious that the shouting was getting increasingly angrier and angrier. He wasn’t about to bring up the fact that Mason looked genuinely scared, as if worried about his safety.

The other guy was pissed, going off about how he’d been lied to, he’d been sharing a locker room, dressing room, and showers with a lot of unkind names, and that he wouldn’t keep playing for the team while acting like this never happened.

They ended up in the coach’s office, Mason attempting to towel dry his hair while the other blew off steam. He just didn’t want anyone to see him upset.

Once they were separated, lawyers were brought in with papers and agreements, and the head coach asked Mason if he’d like to request a trade or anything. It wasn’t like he had the option to say no, but he wasn’t exactly upset to go somewhere where he wasn’t worried about going to the bathroom without getting yelled at or beat up by a guy way bigger than himself.

He remembered to thank management before he left for working overtime, it seemed like, to figure out who would take him on such short notice and mid-season.

He was a good defenseman, sure, it just wasn’t easy on such short notice. But what the star player wants, the star player gets.

Colorado was the quickest to take the young defenseman about a year ago, and the rest was history.

“Holy shit,” Tyson murmured after a few quiet moments.

“I thought I was done. I honestly didn’t think anyone was going to pick me up, I thought my career was over. Can you fucking imagine that? Retiring at, like, 22?”

“Yeah, no, that’s… fuck, dude. I’m so sorry that happened.”

“It’s fine, I don’t even really care. I’m happier here, anyway. Especially since it’s not like you’re saying I’m a creep or a fucking… whatever.”

“Does anyone else know? In the league, I mean.”

Mason nodded. “Took a different approach when I got here. Bednar, bare minimum management, and PR knows. PR because if someone ends up outing me, I thought it would be a good idea to have some sort of plan on what to do. And medical staff always has, obviously. I think they know more about me than I do.”

Tyson nodded along, looking at his friend again after a few moments.

“You want this to stay between us, then? Or…?”

The fact that Tyson was even asking made Mason want to cry again. After being fucked over god-knows how many times when it came to being trans, Tyson was the one confirming he’d keep the secret. He wouldn’t give anyone any kind of hint unless Mason wanted him to.

“Yeah.  Between us, please? I dunno, I might come out to the guys eventually, just so they know. I just… I don’t know what I’d do if they react badly--”

“They wouldn’t,” Tyson said quickly. “I promise you they wouldn’t. And even if someone did have an issue with it, they’d just fucking stay quiet. They’d be in the tiny minority.”

“I just don’t know if I can take being traded and going through everything again, Tys.”

At the wavering in Mason’s voice, Tyson reached out and squeezed his friend’s hand.

“You’re not going to get traded over stupid shit like that. Not here, at least.”

“You don’t know--”

“I mean, yeah, I don’t know a lot. But you already said that the most important people who need to know do, they’re okay with it, and it sounds like they’ve got your back. I’ve got your back, too. And if you end up telling the rest of the guys, they’ll have your back too. Even if you end up not telling them, I’m still here for you, man.”

Mason felt about eight tons of weight fall off his shoulders at that. How did he end up with such an amazing friend?

“I just can’t really come out publicly for… I dunno. A while. Ever, maybe? I don’t know.”

“That’s gotta suck. I mean, everyone’s got their shit they want to keep private but… I dunno what I’d do if I literally couldn’t talk about something.”

Especially with how amazing it would be if Mason was able to be that representation for kids like he was who want to play hockey, Tyson thought. The amount of LGBT kids and teenagers who get driven out of hockey is immense, that’s never been a secret. To see an LGBT guy do so well would be amazing, it just sucked it wasn’t possible for Mason to talk about.

And he did want to talk about it. It would suck to come out and deal with that, but if it helped other people he would do it without hesitation. That’s the kind of guy Mason had always been.

“You’re sure you’re not mad that I, like, kinda lied to you about this up until now?” Mason asked, breaking Tyson out of his train of thought.

“Lie?” Tyson furrowed his eyebrows. “Not telling someone something isn’t lying, first off. Second, its none of my fucking business unless you wanted me to know. Even then, this would be a stupid thing to get in the way of being friends with you. I know you call me an idiot all the time, but I like to think I’m not that stupid.”

“You’re definitely not,” Mason chuckled, flipping his blanket off of him and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He shot Tyson a genuine, appreciative smile before downing the painkillers with some water. “Let me get dressed and I can drive you home, if you want. I feel bad making you wait so long,” he murmured. It was well into the afternoon, and even though Tyson constantly reassured that it was fine, he didn’t care, Mason still felt guilty.

It was very clear Mason was hungover when he and Tyson left the building and got into his car, but that was fine. It had just confused Tyson when Mason unbuckled in front of his apartment building.

That is, until he was pulled into a tight hug.

“Thank you so much,” Mason whispered. “Seriously. I… I dunno how to actually tell you how much I appreciate you being so chill.”

Tyson hugged him for a few moments before shaking his head. “It’s really not much to just… I dunno what to call it. Not be an asshole?”

Mason laughed as he let go, allowing Tyson to open the door. “You can text me if you have any questions about… anything. I don’t tell a lot of people, but the people who do know I’m pretty open with.”

“Yeah, of course. See you later, man. Go get rehydrated, okay? You look like shit.”

“Fuck you!”

[squeezeofthehand]

A (late) Review of Moby-Dick: A Musical Reckoning

I saw Moby-Dick: A Musical Reckoning by Dave Malloy last month, and I can basically divide it into “The Good, The Bad, and the Racist/Queerphobic/Ableist etc”

Some background: As most people who’ve ever spoken to me will know, I have a special interest in Moby-Dick AND Dave Malloy/Rachel Chavkin musicals (I truly believe that Great Comet is one of the best works of all time) and I consider Malloy and Chavkin both to be my biggest heroes and inspirations, at least when it comes to their respective style of writing and directing. That being said, they’re not perfect. I waited for this musical for about two years, and music/set/etc wise it exceeded my expectations, but it also majorly let me down in a lot of ways.

The Good: The cast! The crew! The set! (It was literally The Pequod - like, they got rid of the stage.) The lighting design in particular was really good - thank you, Bradley King. Manik Choksi, Andrew Cristi, and Starr Busby are gods. I do not have a singular bad thing to say about the cast or the design team! Even the stuff that was tacky/campy (i.e. some of the puppets) was tacky/campy in an enjoyable way. And the “fun” parts of the show were REALLY fun - the fact that they invited the audience on stage, the fact that they TRIED to make Moby-Dick more accessible even if they didn’t do it perfectly at times….the music, when not problematic, was BEAUTIFUL. Listen, I’d be lying if I said Dave Malloy wasn’t one of the best composers when it comes to skill. Everyone in that show sure can act, and sing…the band too, was marvelous, I heard no errors from anyone. This is, what, a three hour long show? And the cast/band was just like, “oh, no big deal.” Which makes “the bad” and “the racist” even worse because these people deserve better. This show deserves better, it deserves to be better.

The Bad: Well, as a book fan, I disagreed with a lot of characterization…most of which can fall into The Racist etc, so I’ll just focus on the “bad but not inherently problematic” here. I really didn’t agree with a lot of things about Ahab’s characterization, i.e. I did not read him as just a bad white guy who’s the epitome of privilege. Stubb, on the other hand is, a canon white supremacist in the book and that barely gets acknowledged in the ways that it should. I do get what Dave was trying to go for, especially in re: Ahab & climate change, but this wasn’t the show for it - or at least, Ahab wasn’t the character for it. Which brings me to my next point: Most of the time, I’m a fan of the quirky Malloyian anachronisms and parallels to modern day issues, but I feel like he was trying too hard here and stepping out of line. Loose adaptations can be fun, anachronistic adaptations can be fun, even INACCURATE adaptations can be fun…but this just wasn’t. It didn’t feel like Moby-Dick, but more like a story vaguely inspired by it. If that had been what he was going for, it would’ve been fine, but he really acted like this would be an accurate adaptation of the book, so I felt let down. The only anachronism/breaking of the fourth wall that I somewhat liked were the talks of Melville and Hawthorne, honestly, and even those I’d sacrifice in favor for accuracy to the source.

And now…The racist/etc.

So. 

Where to begin? I suppose chronologically. Queequeg. Who, according to Dave Malloy, is a stereotypical flamboyant queer person of color! and also a quirky cannibal! He’s trans in the musical, apparently, but there’s not much indication of that in the show beyond from him wearing a binder and a skirt. Now, I am all for trans Queequeg of course, but he was a caricature in this particular adaptation. I do not blame Andrew Cristi. I blame Dave (and mayyyybe the costume designers to some extent). I felt baited. Also, early production rumors and quotes said that there would be a song in which Queequeg saved someone from drowning. That never happened. It pains me to say it, but he didn’t feel that much like an important character (due to the bad writing -- again, it has nothing to do with the actor). 

Additionally, Dave Malloy said that Queequeg and Ishmael would be a clear gay relationship…but the musical left so much room for them to just be interpreted as friends. It somehow became less gay than it is in the original Melville novel. The marriage was excluded, as were the quotes about them being a cozy and loving pair and about Queequeg holding Ishmael like a wife. They were replaced with the “I don’t wanna sleep with a cannibal” song, which was fun to watch at first but way too grossly stereotypical for me to genuinely enjoy it. Queequeg deserves a fun and light-hearted song, but he does not deserve a racist/homophobic one. My advice? Replace it with the actual chapters from the book, please. I do like the fact that The Pacific was a romantic duet and that they sing directly at each other during Squeeze Of The Hand, but those two songs are mere scraps especially compared to, for example, the Bosom Friend chapter of the book. It looked like they were going to kiss during The Pacific and I was very disappointed that they did not. Perhaps the team should keep the songs the way that they are for future productions, but add more romantic staging.

Pip-not-Pip/Elijah/??? (Ashkon Davaran’s character) and Fedallah were also major, major, issues. Not the actors, I love them. Not the book characters, I love them. But the musical characters.

Basically, Fedallah gets this 20 minute long monologue that can be summed up as “religion is bad” and a lot of other things including but not limited to egotistical fake-woke praise on color conscious casting and how badly America is fucked. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that Fedallah is Parsi and Zoroastranian in the book (and it is NOT good rep in the book by any means, trust me, I’ve been calling Malloy out on his racism but I can’t act as if book!Fedallah was anything less than an ~exotic caricature~ either). However, that’s beside the point, at least in this review. Musical!Fedallah is not Parsi nor Zoroastranian. Don’t read this the wrong way, I’m all for Black Muslim rep! But with a character who is already canonically something else? Take a white character and make them a Black Muslim, I encourage that, but when a character is already something else, no.

If the monologue was influenced/written by the actor, that’s one thing and I’d have less issue with it, but I think Dave wrote the vast majority of it, which…yikes…

My constructive criticism: Cut the Fedallah monologue. If the creative team still wants the actor/character to have the same amount of stage-time as he does now, replace it with a different monologue, maybe something from the book? Something about whaling history?

Another thing that needs to be cut or at least completely rewritten: Tambourine. The song starts off with an ableist verse that can be summed up as “you think you’re crazy because you get nervous on the subway? No! I’m more crazy than you!” Don’t take this as me saying that Pip’s trauma/PTSD shouldn’t be addressed at all, but this is the absolute worst way to address it. The song also has a lot of performative lines such as “is god cisgender?” Which, considering this is the same musical that also has trans bait, I truly hate it. Not that I think God should ever be viewed as a cis white man, but much like the “America is awful” stuff in the Fedallah Monologue, this is an offensive and fake-woke way to address such a topic. 

Part IV was really heart-wrenchingly beautiful. No criticism there.

To summarize by part-

Part I: Cut/replace the campy Queeqeug song, but otherwise keep it as it is.

Part II: Cut/replace the racist and xenophobic Fedallah monologue.

Part III: Cut/replace Tambourine. The rest of the Ballad Of Pip (starting with Kim Blanck’s beautiful song) is alright. Good, even.

Part IV: Great! No editing needed besides from the typical tweaking that writers may choose to do after their first draft.

In general: Make Ishmael/Queequeg more obvious, make Queequeg less of a caricature, do some major editing to Fedallah and Pip-Not-Pip/Elijah/???. Tambourine and Fedallah’s Monologue need to be completely rewritten, but I get that the creative team may not want to take scenes away from the actors, which is why I encourage them to remove all of the racist bs and create something completely new/different for the actors to perform. 

I understand that Moby-Dick is clearly a work-in-progress on all levels. I do not dislike for the show for being a scrappy rough draft. I judge it for its racist, homophobic, ableist, etc messages. Dave has acknowledged that this first copy is far from perfect, and I sincerely hope that the racism/etc. is the first and main thing that he fixes. 

[keen2meecha]

Novel Prep Tag: gifted

Thanks for tagging me, @aziz-writes! You’re a gem as always!

Note: I’m talkative, so most of my side comments are crossed out don’t mind me

First Look

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

After nearly failing the application test, a young girl rejected by a superpowered society for not having a superpower* of her own is accepted into Falks, a school that teaches kids how to be superheroes. But after an attack on the school nearly kills her and her classmates, she must learn to work with her new friends before one of her oldest friends is lost forever. 

(*’superpowers’ in this universe are called Gifts, and those who have them are called Gifted. The minority who don’t have Gifts are called Ungifted. The title is ironic and also a reference to a running joke Sofia has with herself)

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Novella, single book, book series, etc.)

It’s the first book in a series! Right now I have four books, but since I’m a chronic overwriter, that may or may not have to be extended to five books.

3. What’s your novel’s aesthetic?

Honestly? Aesthetics aren’t really my thing, so I’m not sure. Maybe soft warm colors, that surprised flutter in your chest when someone gives you a thoughtful present, the ache after yet another workout, that scratchy feeling in your throat when your right on the edge of crying but no one else can tell? This started out as a lighthearted superhero story I swear-

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

If you’re an anime fan, you’ll probably look at the general premise of this and some of the basic details of some of the characters and go “Wait a second, that’s a lot like My Hero Academia” and listen. I know. It’s not the same plot though, I promise! Really, at this point, I’d like to think that it’s undergone so many changes that the two are pretty decently removed, but *shrugs*. I’m not as pressed about it anymore. 

I was also loosely inspired by Harry Potter, simply because my book also takes place throughout a school year, so I’m using Harry Potter as a frame of reference for pacing (theoretically). That being said, trans rights and fuck JK Rowling am I right?

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for the novel

For the sake of saving space, I’ll not do that this go around. But imagine fireworks, a freshly brewed cup of tea, and an overwhelmingly expensive weight room and you’ve got a pretty good image of three important things in this book.

Main Characters

6. Who is your protagonist?

Sofia Smith! The Ungifted girl with a chip on her shoulder! Also an utter jock who usually wears athleisurewear and trust me, I’m as thrilled as you are about that. I don’t work out! I don’t even know what a healthy workout routine looks like! What have I done-

7. Who is their closest ally?

I’d say it’s a toss-up between Leona Kita, a girl she meets during the application tests who quickly becomes her new best friend and is not all that she seems, and Romilly Quirke, a teacher at Falks with whom she develops a close mentorship and is not all that she seems

8. Who is their enemy?

In the beginning, it’s Kyran ‘Kruze’ Cinege, Sofia’s childhood friend-turned-enemy. However, the turning point of the novel is when it’s revealed that while she and Kruze are always fighting (physically or not), there’s someone out there who’s actively trying to kill her and that person might be a more pressing threat than Kruze.

You may also see me occasionally mention The Prophet’s Daughter, who, like all of the important antagonists in this series, hilariously still doesn’t have an actual name. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

9. What do they want more than anything?

To become the top Hero it’s not bnha you weeb

10. Why can’t they have it?

She’s Ungifted, so no one believes she can do it. Not only that, but also every single other person in her class at Falks is highly qualified - they’re the most promising kids in the country, after all - and also highly motivated to do the same, so she’s got... a lot of competition.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

That she can hold up the weight of the world on her own - worse, that she has to hold up the weight of the world on her own. Among other things

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Not an artist, but I can freely say that Sofia’s face claim is Amandla Stenberg (especially Hunger Games era Amandla Stenberg because, you know, high school).

Plot Points

13. What is the internal conflict?

She’s desperately lonely, but to admit she needs other people is to admit weakness, and to admit weakness is to admit defeat - something she absolutely cannot do. I mean, not really and it’s okay to ask for help, but she doesn’t know that. We’re working on it.

14. What is the external conflict?

Sofia is fighting the entire world to become a Hero and also someone is trying to kill her and her classmates. 

Oh and each book revolves around her relationship (platonic or otherwise) with one of what I call the ‘core five’ changing and developing in a radically game-changing way. In this book, it’s her and Kruze struggling to come to terms with elements of their past and maybe overcome their conflict to become friends again...? Except their both stubborn assholes and have been fighting for so long they can’t remember how to exist in the same room without one of them blowing up eventually (literally, in Kruze’s case) (I’ll probably talk more about the core five in a different post tbh)

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Oof. Well. If someone died on her watch, that’d be pretty bad for her. Good thing that’ll never happen though! Haha...ha...hm.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

Of this story? Shit maybe they weren’t after me after all. The story as a whole? Wait, you’re my what?

17. Do you know how it ends?

I actually have the epilogue of the last book already planned out! I will cry when I actually write it. But the end of the main plotline? Eh... I know who all is involved, and what all of the characters have evolved into at that point. But how Sofia and co. actually defeat the BBEG? I am... less sure.

18. What is the theme?

In this book specifically: it’s okay to step back and ask for help when you’re struggling - just because you can’t do it on your own doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be where you are.

In the overall series: something something found family something the power of friendship.

19. What is a recurring symbol?

Oh damn, this is a really good question. In fact, since I’m still in first draft mode (although I did write maybe a good quarter or so of a zero draft) I don’t think any have really emerged that I’ve noticed yet? But I guess I’ll come back and update this if I think of anything.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

It’s set in a very fancy, very modern private school that’s on the edge of a city somewhere near Washington D.C. I’m... not great at describing environments/settings, though, so that’s all you get haha

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

Oh yeah, plenty. I have this whole book outlined, actually, on a chapter-by-chapter level! I got excited and also bored during my three-hour-interim between classes, and there was a whiteboard just asking to be filled... I even have some disconnected scenes from future books floating around in my mind - some incredibly emotional and poignant, some glorified shitposts. Ah, writing. It’s such a magnificent hobby.

22. What excited you about this story?

The characters! No joke, there are sixteen kids in the Falks class including Sofia, and every single one of them has their own complex backstories, motivations, and character arcs - not to mention I’ve spent a significant portion of time outlining each of their Gifts and figuring out how exactly they work. I could ramble about any of them for hours.

And that’s not even mentioning Sofia’s family, the villains, the teachers... I just really love every single character in this book!

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

Step one: watch or read something. Anything. A movie, another book, a commercial, a music video, a tiktok, I’m not kidding just about anything will do. Step two: think ‘oh, I could do that better’. Step three: jot down some early lines or general ideas. Step four: leave it to stew for a little while as you think ‘oh jeez maybe I can’t do it as well as I thought’. Step five: get suddenly inspired on it and feverishly carve out several rough chapters. Step six: let it stew some more. Step seven: get newly inspired, realize how much has changed in your mind about that earlier draft, call that the zero draft, and actually do an outline this time. Step eight: ...Write it for realsies this time!

Whew, that was a doozie! Super fun though! So, according to the rules, you’re supposed to tag the same number of people as questions you answered. So there are 23 questions, and it turns out I’ve got exactly 23 people who (I don’t think) aren’t opposed to tag games, so here, have something besides a last line tag for once! Enjoy!

REMEMBER! You are under no obligation to do this - especially since this one can seem overwhelming. I’ll be thrilled if you do it, but I won’t be disappointed or upset if you pass.

Anyways, tagging: @alcego-writes, @alanwrites, @ajbrooks-writes, @evergrcen, @jewellsfrommaruss, @brookswriting, @signedjordan, @writhoelogy, @the-violet-writer, @dustylovelyrun, @linarious, @cookiecutterwrites, @honeyprincerising, @acaptainandhisrunaway, @angelolytle, @dogwrites, @mxxnwishes, @magicalwriting, @bisexual-in-progress, @writerfae, @ocmaker, @fullydevoted, @hanboggsbooks

[zombiequincy]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Hela     AGE: 21       CONTACT: IM

CHARACTER(S): Giselle Gewelle, Yumichika Ayasegawa (inactive)

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have gory Bloodborne au but that one just exists in my head on my lonesome.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English and one very specific Middle Eastern dialect.

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / Science fiction / Horror / WESTERN / ROMANCE / Thriller / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / Erotic / Crime / MYTHOLOGY / Classic / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / Ancient / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / Sport / MUSIC / Science / FIGHTS / ANGST / Smut / DRAMA / etc. 

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. (i love it all sorry I am quite the mixed bag lmao)

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO. i gotta know what certain human body parts taste like u know

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. it’s SO BAD FOR ME RN ASGLDKJDJKA i’m very inconsistent i’m so sorry.

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / a lot of it has more to do w my general writing mood and if the thread im writing catches my interest, and rn im writing a TON of really wonderful and fascinating threads so they’re all super captivating for me and i try to reply asap

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (i have a lot of stupid shit sorry) 

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING: just send me a tumblr instant message, i know it sucks shit but im not comfy releasing my discord w everyone just yet cause i use it for personal use as well. i check tumblr on the daily so if you send me a message chances are i’ll see it and respond!

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  i guess just be able to put up with my rambling and stopping and starting, a lot of characterisation choices i do go through various stages and its pretty messy so when i communicate that with others it usually ends up equally messy. just be patient with me please.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  i don’t mind! sometimes ppl have more ideas that they want to share first and i’m always super happy to listen to those ideas !! sometimes its nice to have someone with a clear guide or structure and be able to work around that rather than trying to fumble through a plot together.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  i try to map out some basic info abt their characters that i otherwise don’t know from their bio or verses and try to pick out points of confrontation or similarities to expand on with giselle that can be used as points for like a starter to happen. its either that or sometimes i have really stupid ideas i just toss out there like ‘LMAO THEYRE BREAKING SHIT AT DISNEYLAND’ and go buck wild from there if the other person is down. i also always try to warn people or get a gauge for what subjects to avoid and steer clear of considering that giselle is a bit of a Freak(tm) and will say and do bad things.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if there’s something giselle did or said that upset you, i would love to know not to repeat it again (since i do still feel pretty new to the rp game, theres still plenty of time for me to make stupid mistakes). if its just a general lack of interest or uncertainty of where the plot should go, then you dont have to tell me i wont take it personally i promise ! 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?: sometimes i can be made uncomfortable by certain things mentioned... it happens but its rare 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. i don’t want to upset anyone personally and sometimes explaining the ins and outs of my discomfort make things ten times worse so i just. would rather not.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: i am the most nervous person you can meet and my brain is always giving me misinfo abt paranoia and random shit so i having clear concrete communication between two parties abt if something is going wrong or is being received poorly means the world to me.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGA1TIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: i need it !! i still feel relatively new to all this and i need to know whats going wrong to improve !! 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: to help with my confidence in writing! i have v bad anxiety when it comes to sharing my works and i write a lot of other pieces alongside this blog on ao3 and i want to develop my writing skills just in general. when it comes to like the nuts and bolts of why i rp giselle specifically, its mainly to just have fun and have a laugh w my friends who are really awesome quincy writers

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  OH SO MANY! ive managed to fulfil a lot of my wishlist threads with like, giselle talking to characters she’s already zombified and i love all that angst but i want to do more stupid shit. i want to make it my personal goal to bully every quincy man and woman on sight. although a REAL dream would be if i got to write a thread zombifying a character who managed to escape giselle’s clutches. and more fighting! i want to get better at describing action and fights and i love to write giselle getting beat up and beating people up! more more more!! 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   hohoho theres a LOT... uh r*pe/dubcon threads for one, even if yeah i know writing it doesnt condone it, it makes me intensely uncomfortable to put my muse in that scenario, i feel like i have an obligation to like, protect her from that shit you know? racism is one i don’t want to transgress, even though i’m a poc, its not really cathartic or groundbreaking to write abt racism in threads its just... really fucking upsetting. also i know the quincy’s have this very close parallel to the whole n*zi imagery and ideology thing going on and i am not about to start even daring to thread that into my writing or bring those allusions and references of real life tragedies into giselle’s threads. i’ve already talked at length abt exploring giselles trans identity in rp and why im not comfortable doing so, so.... yeah! all those i guess.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: i like starters where giselle can just immediately get right into being a piece of shit. mise en scene and all that! cut out the build up and just get to the intense horror !! i don’t like starters where its not immediately clear where the characters are standing and what they’re doing and what’s happening around them. those really disorientate me and leave me kinda floundering because i always need some allusion or mention of a setting to ground giselle in a time and place other wise i cant tell what her response should be

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN. also just characters i can wholeheartedly clown on, or also characters who have hidden depths to them and have a single panel of screentime. honestly it’s just all over the place!

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  angry old men GSADJDKSJA i could never rp yhwach for example or yamamoto because idk. theyre just so crummy and boring to me. i also couldnt rp characters who always have an upper hand in battle like aizen. i like my dumbasses and i like them stupid and adaptive not just, ‘yes i know this because i Know this.’

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: i think im nice...? FKSJDKDJSA idk i hate trying to toot my own horn. sometimes i also think i make funny jokes and im pretty chill and laid back

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: my writing style is inconsistent and adapts to whatever i’m reading so sometimes it’ll be really good and i love it and other times it reads like really bad fanfic and i get carried away far too easily and write novella lengths for threads which should be much shorter. i also get shy a lot and dont think i communicate very effectively but HEYO we’re working on it!

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS. haven’t had anybody brave enough to try yet lol

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: more for fun i’d imagine because that’s just giselles own attitude to sex and relationships where she doesnt want anything deep. it might show character development in one way of just showing how she regards others in a romantic sense to be used rather than actually appreciated as their own person and show how selfish she is but yeah, more out of fun

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  theres a few kinks and such but i dont think they’d ever really come up. again, just mainly no r*pe/dubcon.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO lets hope this doesn’t make me sound like an asshole, but its more like a fun little side thing than anything important to giselle’s actual development and characterisation. 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. again, hardly anyone is brave enough to try to romance this evil cannibal.

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  MULTIVERSE / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: more how giselle likes to give over her power or dominate in different circumstances depending on who she’s with and what’s being done. BUT AGAIN, not a whole lot to explore yet.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - i mean im down for p much anything if it vibes w giselle.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: if you want an evil woman to taunt and mock and hurt your muse, she’s your gal. you want her to zombify and ruin your muse, shes also your gal. you want her to insult and maim and injure, she’s also YOUR GAL. basically, if you want to do anything fucked up or sad or scary, she can help with that.

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  uh muses who get really angry quickly or don’t rise or respond to her jabs and are just kinda like a flatline. theres only so much pestering and annoying she can do until realises its not working and just wanders off

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  to find a goal worth living for.

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  appearance she always takes an interest in girls almost right away. age as well because she judges old people. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  a good set of guts to ruin and strong muscles.

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  women, gore, murder, herself, music, stupid memes, gossip.

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  politics, history, quincy ideology, soul reaper ideology, hollow physiology.

- DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  her family tried to force the burden of upholding the quincy lineage onto her shoulders, she was thrown into the wrong prison and held in isolation, then pressured to become an undying monster in service of a god and then was nearly killed by that same man and left wandering without guidance or purpose. so, yeah?

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  transphobia. even a whiff of it in her direction and she’ll gut you like a fish.

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  the twink soul reaper who outted her.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  if you’re smart, you’ll bring a big bone for her to chew on and distract her while you ask whatever you want.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: i love my evil queen!

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @bazzardburner​ cheers chicken boy !!

Tagging: @hyouketsu​ @blooming5th​ @viciousvizard​ @glacies-tempestatem​ and whoever else wishes to do this!!

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

Pre-Therapy Isolation

CoA prompt for Oct 2019 - “Aromanticism and Aloneness” [Call for Submissions]. Under a cut due to length. Heads up: There’s a mention of a past history of suicidal episodes, but there are zero details.

Sections: 1) Therapeutic Context, 2) Aloneness, Isolation, and Loneliness, 3) Convergence of Mental Illness & Aro-spec Identity, and 4) Disclosure.

Therapeutic Context

I have bounced around from draft to draft and tangent to tangent this past month in part because other issues have required a higher priority ranking in the mental queue. Among the various topics brought up with/by my new general practitioner [GP] during this month’s follow-up was counseling intake, which will feature a bunch of questions off a template and hopefully some relevant questions about the diagnosis I’d like to confirm (or figure out my symptoms are actually from X) over a few appointments.

(For non-regular readers, I haven’t had health insurance since undergrad ended in 2016, so there have been a few changes to the identities I tote around. The Counseling and Psychological Services [CPS] offered on-campus did include therapy, but I’m not quite a good fit with Grad students who change every semester and require reintroductions, re-explaining, and ignoring personal details when I just don’t want to bother with an LGBTQIA+ primer. My last therapy visit with CPS that wasn’t a ‘the semester started’ drop-in was in the later part of the spring semester of 2015.)

I did ask to not be paired with someone who’s never had a trans patient before because I’m just not up to walking my therapist through the bare bones of Trans 101, but I won’t really know their familiarity with LGBTQIA+ basics until the first intake appointment in November. It’s possible they might know some identities but not all of them, and I may still need to break out a little 101 even for relatively more established identities (ex. nonbinary). However, the most relevant of my letters collected for this post is the A for aro-spec (specifically quoi/greyro), which is currently the most recent personal identity (2019) and, afaik, the youngest community when it comes to awareness.

Aloneness, Isolation, and Loneliness

On a literal, physical level, the prospect of going to therapy doesn’t really fit with being alone (“having no one else present”) or aloneness (“a disposition toward being alone”). But it edges along a nebulous mixture of talking about being alone, geographic isolation, and possible loneliness or isolation. The bridge connecting this nebulous alone/isolation idea with being aro-spec and facing intake for counseling:

Talking about being alone. It’s going to be a smidge related to context for past events, but it’s like a cloud on the horizon that I’m trying to ignore when it comes to talking about the future and/or future goals. I’m going to have to admit that it’s currently unwise to live on my own to someone’s face, so I don’t want that to be a goal of our sessions. Like, I’m really going to have to admit that my symptoms have gotten bad enough in the past that I would rather plan on having a roommate than risk being a danger to myself again.

The geographic isolation specific to living in a rural area that’s not exactly the intended ‘local’ area for the closest LGBTQIA+ resources and communities, especially if you get a-spec specific. It can range from some resources not being applicable when you live in a different county to inconvenient differences in meetups (it’s great to only have a 5 minute walk to a coffee shop for a casual meetup for the locals, but if I live over an hour’s drive away, I expect something a little more substantial to justify the driving and need enough advanced notice to actually drive there).

It doesn’t really feel like loneliness, but it doesn’t quite seem like a type of isolation, and it’s just this mixed feeling that I’m not going to have a choice but to be a teaching moment because I’m going to be the first aro-spec patient for this therapist. True, I have no way of knowing how many other aros are in this area, but unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if I’m the only aro-spec person around. It feels unbalanced and isolating that I can’t just walk in as an individual, and I now have to be careful as an ambassador of sorts.

Convergence of Mental Illness & Aro-spec Identity

Based on a quick search of Arocalypse, I wouldn’t go so far as to say this is a unique feeling to me, but that greyro pov post included revealing my connection between my mental health and feeling like I’ve become aro-spec. (Link covers why I’d rather not directly link to the post in question, namely personal growth. With a dash of embarrassment.) And yes, I said that I feel like I’ve become aro-spec instead of feeling like it’s been a static identity that I’ve always had.

I think the life events I went through - most strongly noticed after surviving suicidal shit - were the equivalent of the body prioritizing heating the core instead of the extremities in extreme cold. The vital to living parts of me made it through.

My ability to correctly interpret romantic attraction when signaled in media? It’s not impossible, but it’s usually particularly scripted examples. My ability to correctly interpret romantic attraction signaled in other people? I still have a chance at getting that right, but it’s not guaranteed. My ability to correctly interpret romantic attraction when I might be experiencing it? Nope, that didn’t make it through. It’s like a fixed red-blue-purple color array that’s suddenly showing orange. It’s like looking down at your phone one day and realizing everything’s been switched to a language you only know a limited amount of (for me, Spanish). It’s like trying to wrap your head around imaginary numbers after you thought you were keeping up in Algebra II.

At this point, romantic attraction is a rather distant memory and feels like it happened to a different person. I’ve made peace with not knowing if I’m orange or red-orange, and I could stumble through figuring out more words in Spanish, but I don’t think proper management of my symptoms will “restore” what’s been lost. No amount of talk therapy is going to unlock those memories, and the right medication isn’t going to lift the fog of confusion. Maybe red-orange is close enough to red to count (non-normative romance factoring into maybe, sometimes experiencing something close to romantic attraction a la greyro), but I don’t want to pretend I know what i means.

Disclosure

I don’t want a therapist to get sidetracked by “fixing” me because I’m alright chilling out here on the aro spectrum. Maybe I’ll be able to live on my own at some point, or maybe I’ll have a roommate. Maybe the stars will align and I’ll find someone who’s alright with me being red-orange and mostly confused as long as we figure out each other’s love language(s), so to speak. Maybe I’ll have a collection of friends, but I won’t ever really partner with someone. I’m not sure. Those questions are too complicated and too far off into the future for me to answer when I’ve got to douse the embers my brain decided to light in its resident dumpster before they grow into a full fledged fire.

However, based on my experience with CPS, I need to be prepared for questions about my relationship status. Their intake process included screening for domestic violence, if my memory serves me right (single = skip that section), but I also remember a soft inquiry into who might be involved in my support network where it was relevant to establish that I had friends but no romantic partners to warrant referring to my significant other. Just based on the preliminary paperwork that’s a copy of what I had to fill out for GP, there’s a section for choosing from their offered gender and sexuality options [includes Other and lines to write in responses].

I didn’t really feel like getting into a ton of detail with GP, but it feels different when it comes to counseling and eventually a psychiatrist consult. If I’m going to compile a bullet point list of my identities, offer brief explanations, and point towards aro resources, I’d rather get that all out of the way in the beginning. Once it’s all on the table, I don’t have to dance around topics or play the rephrasing game where I avoid coming out part way through an answer. Maybe me offering up AUREA can make it a little easier for the next patient who’s aro.

Maybe I don’t want to ignore or downplay my connection to an online aro community, as tenuous as it may be at times, because I feel a little less alone. I don’t have to frame changes in romantic orientation as being broken. I have an alternative narrative for being the heartless monster who’s a bit too cold and less than human. I don’t have to take the negative impression that an inability to romantically love someone (or an unclear answer) means that any sexual attraction, desire, or activities amount to manipulative ‘using’ as truth. (The social connection to a community can be used to whack a self-isolating brain.)

Ultimately, prepare for disclosure, so I don’t feel caught off guard or forget differences in how resources define a word and how I relate to it. I can play it by ear during the intake process, and if I don’t actually want to disclose to the therapist, I don’t have to.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

(Watson anon). Back from vacation. I have a question for you. It's okay if you don't have an answer. Got any advice for someone starting their freshman year of college? I start in a week, and I'm not the most social person. Also can't wait for your next piece. I always look forward to reading your work.

Hey hope you had a wonderful vacation. And no it’s no problem of course I’ll help you out, since you and I go back to college the same time, I literally go back next Monday. So buckle up cause I’ve got several things to share and I’m gonna break it up into a couple sections so here you are my lovely anon;

Alex’s declassified college survival guide (lol see what I did there......no? Okay I’ll shut up)

Academics:

1. First of all EVERYTHING your high school teachers have told you about college professors not understanding anything, about them not being fair about deadlines, or whatever. FORGET ABOUT IT. They’re lying. So to put a spin on Scott’s line in Endgame “So every horror story about college professors is just a bunch of bullshit?” In short terms, YES. College professors are REALLY understanding. I mean yeah some I have heard are tough when it comes to grading and all that, but not all of them. 

They are ALL understanding and just want you to succeed in your college career. So if you have any questions, concerns, anything. Always be open to ask them, you can send them an email, visit their office hours/schedule a one on one meeting, or meet with them either before or after class, they will help you 

2. MANAGE. YOUR. TIME: This is KEY!!! With college you definitely need to manage your time with your assignments. As an English major I can attone to this that when you need a rough draft essay of 8pgs due in a month’s time with at least 5 sources in the paper, you need to manage your time. And yeah I know all majors run differently but the work amount I’d imagine is still the same when it comes to projects, essays, homework assignments, readings, etc. 

So for me what I’ve always found easy when it comes to essays is start on at least a page a day, sometimes a page and a half if you can continue writing like if you’re explaining a source. Always reach deadlines with hw assignments cause those small points with how little they are worth, will REALLY affect your final grade if you end up only doing like half of the hw. So PAY ATTENTION to deadlines, they WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. 

3. Now with college (depending on where you live here in the states or the UK or wherever in the world) Financial aid is tricky. So always keep an eye on your financial aid. I wish I could explain it better but I can’t cause there’s a whole paying process that I don’t understand plus my parents (I was fortunate as was my sister) that they dealt with our financial aid stuff and that my sister and I didn’t have to deal with it. But I can tell you is that when you apply for financial aid that is your payment for signing up for your classes. Again it’s confusing and I wish I could explain it better but maybe talk with your parents/guardian who has gone to college or is good with finances to help you or if you’re lucky you’ll be like me and not have to touch it yourself and they can just deal with it. But it’s always good to meet with an the Financial aid office in your university and ask questions to them.

Social:

Now I here what you’re saying about not being a big social person, believe me if it were up to me and I had no clubs to join, my whole college career would just be classes and school work (and it was while I was at NOVA) but I won’t get into that. 

And with my university, they REALLY encouraged us to go out and be apart of a club, organization, student union, fraternity/sorority whatever. So I know you may not like this answer but try to look up any clubs that interest you. When I found out about the cosplay club I was immediately hooked because it could help me with making future cosplays and I could get advice on what type of materials to use and where to by the cheapest material or just go to Good Will and get the stuff.

Not only that but I’ve made some good friends at the club, even after they’ve graduated we still do hangouts outside the school like movies, a yearly summer camping trips (we just had our second one back in June) and all that.

Again You can do you but if I’m being honest, think of college as being here on tumblr (I’ll use my college as an example). A complete diversity of people of all heritage, race, sexuality and genders. I’ve now got a better understanding of transgenders and pansexuals because I’ve got friends in my cosplay club who are trans and classmates who identify themselves as transgenders and pansexual or asexual or whatever sexual orientation they are.

I mean class projects will force you to work together with someone but you never know, that lab partner or classmate you sit beside or the group table you find yourself sitting at twice a day for classes, will eventually become your friend throughout the semester, or for the rest of your college career. I even have a friend who I’ve had in the same class for both the fall and spring semester who dealt with social anxiety but since she knew me from our storytelling class, I helped her click with our table and we’d just talk before class or during the break when the professor would give us a break.

But again it’s your life. If it’s too much then you don’t have to be a social butterfly, but it does help when you have someone to talk to and complain about the hardship of college when they go to the same college as you lol. 

Anyways that’s my survival guide. I know it’a a lot but college is a lot. But at the same time it’s no different than any other school you’ve been to. Just a lot bigger with campus size, parking and all that jazz. Hope you make good memories at your new college and good luck freshman, you’re gonna do GREAT things :) 

[artthetransguy]

‼️ You do NOT need dysphoria to be trans‼️

Starting off I should say I'm a binary trans person, I have dysphoria, I've been out for 6-7 years I think, I am medically transitioning (been on T over 3 years and almost 7 months post op top surgery), and I used to identify as a truscum and transmed. I'm going to rebut the common arguments that truscum, transmeds, terfs, and transphobes make. I will also attempt to answer questions others have (I originally posted this on Facebook and some of my friends had questions). I will mostly be arguing by citing information, but I will also tell my thoughts and opinions, as well as personal experience. 😡Arguments truscum/transmeds, terfs, & transphobes make😡 ⭕️"You need dysphoria to be trans". Not true. So first off, what is dysphoria? The medical definition of dysphoria defined by Merriam-Webster is "a state of feeling unwell or unhappy"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dysphoria). Anyone can have dysphoria, even cisgender people, so this argument makes no sense. Does this mean that cis people who have dysphoria (which they can and do experience) are trans? no of course not. Why? because that's not what being trans means. I do realize that trans people will shorten 'gender dysphoria' to just 'dysphoria' like when they say "my dysphoria is really bad today" you know they are (usually) talking about gender dysphoria. What else is wrong with this argument? When I rebut this argument (which I do a lot) I usually say: 💬"how do you know?", I get responses such as "It's common sense", "you're so stupid/a dumbass", "it's science", but they can never, and have never provided a (reputable) source that says this. (I say reputable because I have gotten, and I'm paraphrasing, "my 20 year old friend who is about to get top surgery and has been on T for years says you need it" to which I replied "I'm also 20 and just had top surgery a few months ago and have been on T for over 3 years. Does that make me credible?" He didn't think so). 💬"What kind of dysphoria?" They then may say "you need some kind of dysphoria" or "you can't like *insert body parts here* and be trans". Well, what about the people who have finished their transition and no longer have dysphoria? are they still trans? Not all people will have dysphoria about the same parts. Some trans people have hair dysphoria, voice dysphoria, chest dysphoria, bottom dysphoria, social dysphoria, and the list goes on. ⭕️"Trans is short for transitioning so if you don't (medically/physically) transition, you aren't trans". No, it is not. Trans is short for transgender, not every trans person can or wants to transition. They may not transition for medical reasons, safety reasons, or they just don't want to. ⭕️"Having dysphoria doesn't mean you hate yourself/you have to suffer" This argument before made sense to me because I was misinformed about what gender dysphoria was, as are many others. What is gender dysphoria? The medical definition of gender dysphoria defined by Merriam-Webster is "a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth 'A significant incongruence between gender identity and physical phenotype is known as gender identity disorder; the experience of this state, termed gender dysphoria, is a source of chronic suffering'. — Louis J. Gooren, The New England Journal of Medicine, 31 Mar. 2011"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictiona…/gender%20dysphoria). Another important point in this is the "a distressed state" in that definition. Distress is defined by Merriam Webster as "pain or suffering affecting the body, a bodily part, or the mind...a painful situation...state of danger or desperate need"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/distress#synonyms). Seeing this definition and knowing what these words mean, we know that gender dysphoria is quite literally defined as pain and suffering. ⭕️"Being trans literally is the definition of dysphoria" Well, we already got the definition of dysphoria out of the way. No, it is not the definition of dysphoria. The APA (American Psychological Association) says "Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth". (https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx). ⭕️"You need gender dysphoria to be trans" So now knowing that being transgender just means that your gender and sex aren't the same, and knowing what gender dysphoria is, we could say that we know this isn't true. But don't take my word for it, let's hear it from the experts: ☑️"Not all transgender people suffer from gender dysphoria and that distinction is important to keep in mind. Gender dysphoria and/or coming out as transgender can occur at any age"(https://www.psychiatry.org/…/gender-dysphoria/expert-q-and-a). ☑️"It is important to note that not all gender diverse people experience gender dysphoria"(https://gic.nhs.uk/info-support/gender-dysphoria/). ☑️"For some transgender people, the difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress that affects their health and everyday lives if not addressed. Gender dysphoria is the medical diagnosis for someone who experiences this distress. Not all transgender people have gender dysphoria. On its own, being transgender is not considered a medical condition. Many transgender people do not experience serious anxiety or stress associated with the difference between their gender identity and their gender of birth, and so may not have gender dysphoria"(https://transequality.org/…/frequently-asked-questions-abou…). ☑️" Many, but not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives"(https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/…/Understanding-and-Add…). ☑️" Do all transgender people have gender dysphoria? No they do not, because not every transgender person experiences the distress associated with gender dysphoria"(https://www.lambdalegal.org/…/article/trans-related-care-faq). ☑️"Gender dysphoria refers to distress that 'some' TGNC [transgender and gender nonconforming] individuals may experience at some point in their lives as a result of incongruence between their gender identity and birth sex, which may include discomfort with gender role and primary and secondary sex characteristics. Gender dysphoria is a diagnosis in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition. However, transgender is an identity, not a disorder, and the diagnosis is only applicable when TGNC people experience distress or impaired social / occupational functioning as a result of the incongruence"(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4809047/#R15). ⭕️"Being transgender is a mental illness" This argument is used both by people who try to say that a trans person is delusional and therefore their identity isn't valid, and by trans people who don't want to de-medicalize transgender identity. We know this argument is not true from some of the other points I've made. Being transgender isn't a mental illness, not even gender dysphoria is considered one. "Gender dysphoria is a recognized medical condition, for which treatment is sometimes appropriate. It's not a mental illness"(https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/). Also "The World Health Organization will no longer classify being transgender as a mental health disorder, the public health agency announced Monday.

Transgender and genderqueer identities, which WHO refers to as “gender incongruence,” are in a section about sexual health conditions in a newly updated version of the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD)"(https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/being-transgender-no-longe…). ⭕️"There are only 2 genders" When people say this they usually mean sex, but even then it is untrue. Both sex and gender are on a spectrum and aren't binary. "Sex is a determination made through the application of socially agreed upon biological criteria for classifying persons as females and males. The criteria for classification can be genitalia at birth or chromosomal typing before birth, and they do not necessarily agree with one another"(https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0891243287001002002). The binary classifications of male and female leaves out everyone who does not fit into these categories because of genital makeup, secondary sex characteristics, chromosomes, or hormone levels. When people say that there is only male and female, they forget that intersex people exist. A good read that I'd recommend that I read for school is "The Five Sexes: Why Male and Female Are Not Enough" by Anne Fausto-Sterling. In it, Anne says "Western culture is deeply committed to the idea that there are only two sexes. Even language refuses other possibilities; thus to write about Levi Suydam I have had to invent conventions-- s/he and his/her-- to denote someone who is clearly neither male nor female or who is perhaps both sexes at once. Legally, too, every adult is either man or woman, and the difference, of course, is not trivial. For Suydam it meant the franchise; today it means being available for, or exempt from, draft registration, as well as being subject, in various ways, to a number of laws governing marriage, the family and human intimacy. In many parts of the United States, for instance, two people legally registered as men cannot have sexual relations without violating anti-sodomy statutes. But if the state and the legal system have an interest in maintaining a two-party sexual system, they are in defiance of nature. For biologically speaking, there are many gradations running from female to male; and depending on how one calls the shots, one can argue that along that spectrum lie at least five sexes-- and perhaps even more"(http://capone.mtsu.edu/phollowa/5sexes.html). Another thing is that gender is a social construct, which I know is said a lot and is misunderstood. Pretty much everything has been socially constructed, so what is a social construct? "Social constructs or social constructions define meanings, notions, or connotations that are assigned to objects and events in the environment and to people’s notions of their relationships to and interactions with these objects. In the domain of social constructionist thought, a social construct is an idea or notion that appears to be natural and obvious to people who accept it but may or may not represent reality, so it remains largely an invention or artifice of a given society". So how is gender a social construct? The page goes on to say "Gender, which represents ways of talking, describing, or perceiving men and women, is also a socially constructed entity. Generally distinguished from sex (which is biological), notions of gender represent attempts by society, through the socialization process, to construct masculine or feminine identities and corresponding masculine or feminine gender roles for a child based on physical appearance and genitalia".(https://www.encyclopedia.com/…/socio…/social-constructionism). ⭕️"Non-binary doesn't exist because there is only male and female" Well for one, tell that to all the non-binary people. But no this is not correct. As we know, sex and gender are not binary so this identity makes sense. And also, whether or not you believe in them, they will continue to exist. ⭕️"You're a transtrender" People say a transtrender is someone who isn't "actually" trans, and just uses the label or pretends to be trans because its cool, or because they want attention. This is an argument made by transphobic people, including truscum and transmeds. People usually call others this for many reasons like: disagreeing with them, not fitting into their gendered stereotypes, not passing, not having dysphoria, not being the ideal trans person, they are experimenting with gender and gender expression, and/or being non-binary. Non-binary people are a big target of this argument. Heres the thing about this argument, no one thinks its cool or fun to be seen as trans in the sense that we are marginalized, are attacked, are killed, and so on. Also, Not every trans person is the same and wants to conform to gender norms. I'd also like to add that I get this comment a lot, despite being a binary trans person with dysphoria. They use it as a way to immediately discredit you and don't even know who you are. ⭕️"You're/you were just pretending to be trans" This is very similar to the last point but I wanted to go into more detail about this one. Some people may transition and then detransition for whatever reason (I'll go into this later). I know a few people had identified as trans and used a few different names and wanted to go by different pronouns then found out it wasn't who they were. Does this mean that they were faking it or pretending for fun? No, of course not. They thought they were trans and experimented and found out that they weren't. People should be able to experiment with their gender without getting accused of pretending to be trans. Most, if not all trans people go through an experimentation stage where they cut or grow out their hair, wear different clothes, go by a different name and pronouns, and so on. If we never went through an experimentation stage, how would we have known that we were trans? ⭕️"Most trans people detransition afterwords so you are going to regret this" This is usually said by cisgender transphobic people when trans people go on hormones or get surgeries. But what is the reality? "Surgical regret is actually very uncommon. Virtually every modern study puts it below 4 percent, and most estimate it to be between 1 and 2 percent (Cohen-Kettenis & Pfafflin 2003, Kuiper & Cohen-Kettenis 1998, Pfafflin & Junge 1998, Smith 2005, Dhejne 2014). In some other recent longitudinal studies, none of the subjects expressed regret over medically transitioning (Krege et al. 2001, De Cuypere et al. 2006). These findings make sense given the consistent findings that access to medical care improves quality of life along many axes, including sexual functioning, self-esteem, body image, socioeconomic adjustment, family life, relationships, psychological status and general life satisfaction. This is supported by the numerous studies (Murad 2010, De Cuypere 2006, Kuiper 1988, Gorton 2011, Clements-Nolle 2006) that also consistently show that access to GCS reduces suicidality by a factor of three to six (between 67 percent and 84 percent)... When asked about regrets, only 2 percent of respondents in a survey of transgender people in the UK had major regrets regarding the physical changes they had made, compared with 65 percent of non-transgender people in the UK who have had plastic surgery"(https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/myths-about-transition-reg…). ⭕️"If you don't have dysphoria, how would you even know you're trans?" You can know that you are trans because you have a disconnect with your body which is called gender incongruence. "Gender incongruence is characterized by a marked and persistent incongruence between an individual’s experienced gender and the assigned sex"(https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en…). So it could be argued that gender incongruence is like gender dysphoria with presentations similar to the DSM-V definition, but does not require significant distress or impairment. There is also something called gender euphoria, which is the opposite of gender dysphoria. "That is, euphoria or happiness upon being correctly gendered, upon naming their identity, and being validated and recognized as their authentic self"(https://everydayfeminism.com/…/these-5-myths-about-body-dy…/). ⭕️"If you don't have dysphoria that means you are comfortable in your body, ok with being your agab (assigned gender at birth) and those pronouns, and ok with dressing as your agab so you aren't trans" This is not true either. Just because someone doesn't have dysphoria, that doesn't mean they are comfortable with their agab. Like I said before, trans people have a disconnect with their body, the same goes for non-dysphoric trans people. They have a disconnect but do not have distress, or pain and suffering, because of the disconnect. ⭕️"What if you don't REALIZE it's dysphoria? What if you thought EVERYBODY felt like you?" I see people making this argument like, "they just don't know what they are feeling is dysphoria". People know themselves better than anyone else. Also, if you are not a therapist or anything like that, you do not get diagnose someone else. This could also just be a genuine question. Some people (like myself) didn't know what transgender or dysphoria was and some still may not. I didn't know what being trans meant and I didn't know that what I was struggling with was dysphoria. For me personally, I thought I was struggling alone for the longest time. ⭕️"Non-dysphorics, non-binary, people who don't use he/him or she/her pronouns make the community look bad and make everyone hate the trans community more." The people who hate trans people will hate us regardless of if we have dysphoria, are non-binary, use different pronouns that aren't common, and so on. Why not learn about those in your community (or learn about those in the community if you are not in it) instead of bullying and attacking those you don't understand and siding with transphopic people. ⭕️Fake trans people are taking resources away from 'real' trans people (like hormones, dr. appointments, surgeries, therapy, etc.)" If this is true, why be mad at the "fake trans" people and instead be mad at the gatekeepers, be mad because there is a shortage of doctors that treat trans patients (very few doctors that would take me around here but I have had one for a while now so its good), and be mad at the lack of education doctors, nurses, therapists, and so on, have on trans people. It isn't other trans peoples fault we have to fight to get our resources, it's the world we live in where we are marginalized and oppressed. (Important to note that I am not talking about myself here. The transphobia, marginalization, and oppression I have endured cannot be compared to that of trans women, black and other poc trans people, non-binary people, and places where it is illegal or punished by death to be trans/queer in. I have a lot of privilige here and I know this). 🙂Other questions or comments🙂 🔶"Are there degrees of dysphoria? Like, "you have to have dysphoria about 35% of your body to make it into 'Transgender Circle'?" Yes, not all trans people have the same or the same amount of dysphoria. Some say its like waves where one day they feel really good and other days dysphoria is really bad. Some peoples dysphoria is much worse than others, but as long as it is distressing, it is still dysphoria. Every exclusionist is different. Some say "you just need some type of dysphoria" and others say "you need to have chest, bottom, social, etc. dysphoria to be trans". But the truth is, neither is true. 🔶"What is the difference between BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) and (GD) gender dysphoria?" BDD is "a pathological preoccupation with an imagined or slight physical defect of one’s body to the point of causing significant stress or behavioral impairment in several areas (as work and personal relationships)"(https://www.apa.org/…/und…/ptacc/body-dysmorphic-traynor.pdf). GD is "a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth 'A significant incongruence between gender identity and physical phenotype is known as gender identity disorder; the experience of this state, termed gender dysphoria, is a source of chronic suffering'. — Louis J. Gooren, The New England Journal of Medicine, 31 Mar. 2011"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictiona…/gender%20dysphoria). (I am not a medical professional but I will try to explain this) BDD and GD are very similar because they are both distressing and about the body, but there are differences. BDD is where your perception of your body is not the reality, where in GD you know what your body looks like and it doesn't match your gender identity. BDD is also compared to OCD. "The intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors exhibited in BDD are similar to the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. BDD is distinguished from OCD when the preoccupations or repetitive behaviors focus specifically on appearance"(https://adaa.org/…/other-relat…/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd). 🔶"Why doesn’t it harm the community to include people who experience euphoria instead of/not only dysphoria?" People say "having non-dysphorics and non-binary people makes the trans community look like a joke" but these people aren't going away and they are supported by the science. As I've said before, the people who hate trans people will hate us whether we have dysphoria or not. Bullying the trans people you don't understand won't change anything in regards to trans rights. What do you do when you encounter bullying? If someone is bullied for how they look, their skin, their hair, or their religion, should they change themselves? The easiest way would be to say yes but that isn't how things change. We need people to know that some people are different and that is ok and they deserve to be respected just like everyone else. If you are going to argue the "fake trans take away resources" I rebutted that argument earlier. 🔶"Why do people insist that you need dysphoria to be trans?" This is an interesting one because I used to be a truscum/transmed. But before I dive into this I first want to preface this by asking Well why do people believe things are true when we know they are demonstrably false? Look at flat-earthers for example (hang in here with me). They can't comprehend how the earth can be round, despite the demonstrable evidence that shows us the earth is round. They believe it because it makes more sense to them. They make arguments where they say the evidence is for a globular earth is fake and also argue things that they experience like "I don't feel the earth spinning" or "the horizon looks flat to me" or "we can't see gravity so it doesn't exist". They can't conceptualize the things they don't experience in their life. People are afraid that the de-medicalization of trans people will result in medical professionals taking away hormones and surgeries. It may also be the case that they know this is true but ignore the evidence because they think the de-medicalization of trans people will make it so we can no longer get hormone treatment or surgeries. I can tell you right now that the people of the ICD, APA, DSM, and WHO are not gonna let that happen. Gender dysphoria is a medical condition that is treated with hormone therapy and gcs (gender confirmation surgery). Gender dysphoria is distressing and that is certain, medical and psychological experts know this and aren't going to take it away. People may become afraid or offended because hearing "you don't need dysphoria to be trans" goes against what they have known to be true for so long. For me personally when I was a truscum/transmed I was young, I just found out what trans was, and "you need dysphoria" made the most sense to me because gender dysphoria was how I knew I was trans. I followed truscum/transmed blogs and youtube channels and I never questioned it really. I really only changed after I started taking science classes at college and learned what scientific papers were, and also, the biggest reason I changed was because things started coming out saying "trans isn't a mental disorder" which I thought it was. After I got out of the truscum/transmed community, only then did I realize how toxic it was. I hurt so many with my words and I was spreading false information solely based on my beliefs. The truscum/transmed community The truscum/transmed community is filled with people saying things like "I just don't understand *blank*" or "How could you be trans when *blank*" and these are as a way to say "your identity is confusing to me so I'm making fun of it". A lot of the scum/med arguments are questions where people "don't understand" which is the first step to learning. If you don't understand something, look it up or ask a trans person (with their approval of course). Asking non-dysphoric trans people is how I was able to comprehend how non-dysphoric people felt. I was able to ask and I always treated them with respect and got respect in return. If you sincerely ask people instead of making fun of them, you might get the answers you need to understand. Important note, many trans people are tired of having to explain to others why they exist so if you ask and you are confronted with hostility that is probably why, and it is completely understandable. I'd be angry too if everyone constantly invalidated me, attacked me, told me I'm a faker, and said my gender doesn't exist. I know I went on a tangent here but I feel this is important also. ❤️I am willing to answer questions if you have any. Share this if you would like. Also, feel free to use this post for your own arguments❤️

[mickeyanders-blog]

DANCIN IN THE STREET | MIMES

WHO: Mickey Anderson & James St. James WHAT: Mickey and James go to Scandals. WHERE: Scandals & Anderson Home. WHEN: Sunday May 14th.  (Completed) WARNINGS: None!

Mickey-Last Sunday at 10:22 PM

Mickey had to admit they were more than a little surprised to see that James was going to come to Scandals. Usually people tried to avoid the place like the plague but Michael enjoyed staying with the other misfits.   It seemed as though James was having a shitty night as well, and they were hoping somehow they would cheer each other up. They only had about two sips of their margarita when they spotted the boy with the bright blue hair. "Hey!" Mickey sang with a big grin, quickly pulling him in before the security at the door could really question him about his age. "Wow, you must really be feeling shit if you came all the way here." they joked with a big smile as they pushed their long curls back from their face. "C'mon let's get you something to drink we've got thirty minutes to get trashed before karaoke."

James-Last Sunday at 10:46 PM

James  walked in, not wearing his usual smile but a melancholy frown instead. "I do feel shitty, but that's neither here or there. I'm here to forget about that." He didn't have a fake ID or anything, but somehow got in. Maybe the shadows of his curls made him look older. Or perhaps it was his expression. Did they even try to card him? "Yeah, what's good?"

Mickey-Last Sunday at 10:52 PM

Mickey, always being the overly touchy type took his hand in theirs and lead him to the bar, squeezing at his hand. "Mm, I have a strawberry frozen margarita. Which is nice because I am...smol and I can't drink a lot." they said honestly, finally letting go of him as they climbed onto the seat with a hum. "I didn't realize how tall you were. Everyone makes me feel like a shrimp though. My only solace is that I'm taller than Daniel Radcliffe." they shrugged, taking another sip of their drink, mostly so they would shut up for once.

James-Last Sunday at 10:57 PM

"I don't mind small guys. As far as I know, my family has always been full of tall people. My mom's six feet tall, so." He shrugged and ordered a strawberry margarita, figuring that it may be better for him. "Daniel Radcliffe is cute, so there's that." He grabbed his drink as soon as it was slid to him. They really didn't card here, did they? Taking a sip, he was taken aback by the taste of alcohol before the sweetness of the strawberry mixture took over. He downed it quickly.

Mickey-Last Sunday at 11:01 PM

"Well I'm glad you don't mind me." Mickey teased with a waggle of their eyebrows.  "That's really cool though. Everyone in my family is pretty short. My oldest brother is the tallest but even he's not that big.  I'm the tiniest though, I think it's because I drink a lot of caffeine and I've smoked the occassional cigarette." they explained with a shrug as they drank their own, almost snorting at how he chugged it. "Liked it, huh?" they asked with a cheesy smile  before ordering another for each of them. "I got this by the way." they smiled. "So do you wanna talk about anything or just purposefully ignore it all because I am up for either."

James-Last Sunday at 11:14 PM

"Maybe. Genetics are a bit weird. Yeah, I don't mind you. It's hard to find a guy much taller unless we're going for someone really tall." He chuckled, watching as they ordered another drink. He was going to need it to forget the week and now the weekend. "I generally take good care of myself, usually.  Today is an exception. Yeah, I like it."  His eyes meet Mickey's for a moment before he shook his head. "Too much drama. I'd rather have a night to forget."

Mickey-Last Sunday at 11:21 PM

Mickey hummed as James said he didn't want to talk about it. They watched James' blue eyes for a long moment, reaching out to gently push back some of his hair. "Agreed. A night to forget sounds amazing, right?" they asked before pulling away. "God sorry? I'm so touchy. Big Italian family  that's sort of all we do."  they smiled as they swirled their drink some. "Anyway, I think....we should sing dancing in the streets. We've got Jagger, we've got Bowie.  I could find trench coats if you want." they teased.

James-Last Sunday at 11:26 PM

"It does. I just want to let go just one time." He chuckled before downing the other drink just as quickly, noticing how the other sipped. "Don't worry about being touchy. I'm usually pretty affectionate once I get to know someone." James rested his elbow against the bar as he watched carefully. He perked up at the mention of Dancing In The Streets. "Let's do it. Let's break out those 80s dad moves."(edited)

Mickey-Last Sunday at 11:38 PM

Mickey nodded at him. "Just once." they agreed with a soft smile, as they moved to sit criss cross on the stool though it was actually quite uncomfortable.  "Well hopefully we'll get to know one another, then. I mean I'm really looking forward to becoming your dog's best friend." Michael chuckled, offering a big smile. They swore they could see his whole face light up. "Fuck yeah. I'm glad you said yes because I already signed us up." they  giggled excitedly.  "I think we have ten minutes left though." they chuckled taking a minute to finish their drink.

James-Last Sunday at 11:43 PM

James watched yet again and opted for water once the bartender came back around. He didn't want to ruin his vocal chords for karaoke. Of course, he wasn't sure how everything worked with alcohol. This was his first time drinking, let alone being at the club. "Luna is everyone's best friend. She'll love you, I promise."  He smiled at just seeing their smile. It was a cute smile, and now his mind was wandering.  "Oh, good. I'm glad I wasn't drafted or anything." He teased, sipping at the water.

Mickey-Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Mickey chuckled at him, nodding quickly. "Aw, I love it. I hope Nico likes you too. She's really nice but you know. She's a lady, and sometimes she's iffy about guys." they laughed and shrugged.  "Your smile is cute." they complimented next, the alcohol causing them to feel a little more than flustered.  With most people they'd be more blunt, or be focusing on trying to get into his pants, but this was different. They both needed comfort and companionship, and that's what they were focusing on.  "Oh my God, shut up." they joked with a laugh before finally they got up, their curls bouncing all over as they did so. "Alright giant, you have to help me push through the bears to get to the stage." they winked.

James-Last Sunday at 11:59 PM

"If it helps, I wasn't born a guy." James blurted out a bit earlier than he normally would have, and hoped Mickey was too distracted by the surroundings to even catch it.  "Thanks, so is yours." He bit the inside of his bottom lip. He knew this was a side effect of the alcohol. James was a lot more guarded than this usually. His face was read from the compliment and watching as they got up and winked. "That, I can do." He got up with a smile and  put his arm around his new friend's shoulders.May 14, 2018

Mickey-Yesterday at 12:03 AM

"Oh shit really?" Mickey asked  with a big smile. They reached out to poke at his cheek. "You pass amazingly. Really you do.  Jesus, I wish I knew there was someone else trans at the school before." they chuckled before grinning again.  "Don't be flirting now." they hummed, teasing him as they got up from the seats.  They happily followed besides him as they made their way up to the stage. Mickey happily greeted the  DJ with a kiss on the cheeks. "I come and sing all the time even though I'm tone deaf." they chirped to James with a big smile, hanging over one of the shitty microphones to him. "Sorry in advance for your ears." they  teased with their tongue out.

James-Yesterday at 12:07 AM

"I went to Carmel up until this year, so it's probably  that.. and the fact that you never come to school. I kind of helps that I kind of looked like Jesse a little beforehand, probably. Also, I've been on T since the ripe old age of thirteen." He explained  as they made their way to the stage and took the microphone. "I don't exactly care that you're tone deaf.  Honestly, that's refreshing. I spend my days around people who can sing." He teased back.

Mickey-Yesterday at 12:11 AM

"Ah yeah that does actually make sense." Mickey laughed again. They couldn't help they were a giddy drunk.  "Thirteen? Wow, your mom must be really supportive, that's awesome. I've...I've definitely thought about estrogen but man I dunno. I'm not a girl, but I'm not a boy it's just tough." they chuckled. "You do look like Jesse though. Cuter though. For sure." they reminded him, patting gently at his forearm.  "Well, I'm gonna make you feel really good tonight then, St. James." they said with a waggle of their brows before they nodded for the music to start, smiling hugely back to James as it began.

James-Yesterday at 12:21 AM

"Mom was really supportive. She still is. So is Jesse. He's been my biggest supporter with the transition, I must say.  Twins know best. There's nothing wrong with estrogen if you want it, but it's a bitch. I know from experience." he laughed and  shrugged. "Why do you think I'm cuter? Is it the blue hair? The fact that I'm gay?  Go ahead, make me feel good. It'll be nice to know I won't be pitchy." Another laugh as he waited through the into and the song began.

Mickey-Yesterday at 12:27 AM

"Aw that's super awesome. B has always been pretty supportive parents not so much, but I'm strong." They shrugged with a big smile. "Yeah? Yeah. I'm sure it really is." they laughed in returned. "Mm, I dunno. You volunteer at the SPCA, your hair is very nice, and you just seem....softer in your mannerisms and personality." they explained. "Plus we talked about Rammstein." they added, bumping their hip against his. Now, Mickey may not have been a performer besides cheerleading, but they took karaoke very seriously. And though they weren't the best at staying on pitch, Mickey was happy enough to be on beat as they began.

James-Yesterday at 12:46 AM

He listened  closely, nodding every now and again to let Mickey knew he was listening.  It felt nice to be complimented and be called cute, even if he doubted that he would ever be cute in his own mind.  James had never done karaoke before, but he knew from watching that he would need to watch the screen and stay on beat, which was something he easily did throughout the song  while trying to do his best Bowie moves from the video.

Mickey-Yesterday at 12:49 AM

Mickey only faltered to sing their part as they noticed James' dancing. They happily joined in, dancing as stupidly as possible.  Until finally the song ended. Two out of the three patrons clapped and for Mickey that was enough. They smirked and handed over the microphone. "You're really good." they sang, leaning onto their toes just so that he could hear them over the club's music that started again. "Wanna show me some more of those moves?" they asked, meeting his blue eyes again as they stayed leaning up close. They even debated trying to kiss him for a moment but thankfully talked themself out of it.

James-Yesterday at 1:00 AM

The applause wasn't what James was usually used to, but he then reminded himself that he wasn't performing with Vocal Adrenaline, or even New Directions for that matter. He was in a nightclub on a Sunday night. He admired Mickey's enthusiasm as he followed suite and handed over his own microphone. "Am I?" James laughed. "Why not? I'm sure you're dying to see more of my sick 80s dad dance moves."(edited)

Mickey-Yesterday at 1:06 AM

"You are really good! Stop questioning my compliments you buttface." Mickey snorted, sticking their tongue out at him again as they climbed back off of the stage, already debating singing again.  "Fuck yeah I am! You still have to see mine." they  giggled again. Feeling playful they began dancing. While they could actually dance, they instead decided to break out some of their painfully bad moves, enjoying just playing around and having fun with James for the moment.

James-Yesterday at 1:10 AM

"I'll question all compliments until they are proven." James teased as he started to dance with the Anderson twin. "Not bad. We really are Bowie and Jagger with out sick 80s dad moves." He joked, giggling loudly. James could dance as well. After all, he had to have some sort of talent given his background; but he chose to pull out some equally bad dance moves on his own. All he wanted to do  was have fun tonight. He seemed to be accomplishing his goal.(edited)

Mickey-Yesterday at 1:20 AM

Mickey swore they could feel everything slow down as the pair took their turns showing off the worst moves they could, but as the music slowed a little they laughed and instead moved in closer, not even leaving a second for the awkwardness to come over them. "sorry this is just happening now." they shrugged, smirking as they drunkenly tossed their arms around his neck. "i'll never understand why gay bars decide to play soft songs." they smiled as they danced against him. "Guess this is better than me trying to grind on you though, right?" they asked, hoping he'd wrap his arms around them too.  "So....what's your favorite movie?"

James-Yesterday at 1:31 AM

"No worries. It's just a slow song. It always happens. Probably to give the party boys a bit of a break, or allow the couples an intimate moment or something. I'll never understand social cues. Well, I've.. never been grinded on, so I don't know what would be better or worse. But I like this." He chuckled and  gently wrapped his arms around their waist. This was the way to do a slow dance, right?  At the question, there was no hesitation. James gave Mickey a big smile. "The Man Who Fell To Earth  and Labyrinth. I can't decide which one I like more."

Mickey-Yesterday at 1:34 AM

"Well since we are King and Queen I guess it's alright." Mickey joked with a big smile, as they easily moved with him. They had a few slow dances but they had to admit this was the least awkward of them all. Sure that wasn't saying a lot but they were more than comfortable spinning some with him. "I like this too. We'll see if you like grinding after." they chuckled. They found themself instinctually snuggling up some when the arms wrapped around their waist.  "Oh, I loved Bowie's hair in Man Who Fell. Never seen it but I remember the orange." they chuckled, tilting their head up to watch him. "I've never seen Labyrinth either. Sad, I know.  I was always freaked out by puppets when I was younger though."(edited)

James-Yesterday at 1:43 AM

"We're also Heroes. Just for one day." James returned the smile and continued to sway.  He couldn't help to laugh at the second mention of grinding and  slid one of his hands up to their back while feeling himself being snuggled up to. One arm stayed around their waist. He wanted Mickey to feel safe. That was his instinct.  "I had my hair that color once. I've been debating going back to it for a while, but I like the  blue." He shrugged. "We can get out of here and watch one of them if you want. Though, admittedly, Labyrinth is easier to find online. I'm not really wanting to go home and get my copy of it."

Mickey-Yesterday at 1:48 AM

Mickey found themself humming  as James' hand moved up their back. It was a far cry from being felt up on the dancefloor, but Michael definitely liked it a lot more. "I like the blue too. But I think you could pull off just about anything." they  shrugged. "I had blonde hair for a while, which was pretty cool, but I guess I didn't like looking so different from Blaine." they laughed. At the offer of getting out of their they raised a brow before quickly nodding. "Uh, yeah. Yes. Yeah I'd totally love that." they agreed with a nod, thanking god the lights of the bar were covering how  much the question made them blush. "But don't make fun of me if anything freaks me out." they chuckled, gently letting their arms fall from his neck, being sure to rub down his arms on the way. "We can go to mine." they hummed. Though they never ever really went home themself, they figured it'd be easy enough to sneak into the basement for the movie room.

James-Yesterday at 10:53 AM

"I've pulled off at least four colors this year. Blue is my favorite so far because how it fades.  Some of the blue dyes fade and look pretty cool."  He chuckled and nodded. "I was like that for a while. I just had to look identical to Jesse, no matter what. Then, I reinvented myself, and dyed my hair. I can always go back to brown at any time, and I'll always have a similar face." James explained as he gently took their hands after feeling them run down his arms. "Okay, good. I know my brother told me he had plans and not to come home."

Mickey-Yesterday at 12:39 PM

"I really like the blue on you too. You're seriously giving me some inspo. I bet I could pull off hot pink. That'd be cool." they laughed, the big smile still present on their face. Feeling drunk they happily they leaned into him, squeezing at his hands once he took them. "Yeah, that's true. I dunno. B and I are weird.  I mean last year was probably the first time I spent time away from him." they started before shaking their head. "Sorry. Weird twin stuff, you get it." they smiled, changing the subject as they finally pulled away to lead him towards the door, keeping right by his side. "Yeah you can even sleep over if you want. Not to be weird or anything, just because it's already one AM." they shrugged. "And I mean, I can't judge you for anything as long you don't judge me for my moomoo because I for sure wear a moomoo to bed." they waggled their brows again.

James-Yesterday at 1:01 PM

"I think you could pull off hot pink. You should honestly try it some time, even if it's just a few streaks here and there. I hear you loud and clear on that weird twin stuff.  Jesse and I are in each other's heads more than we like to admit." He followed closely so he didn't get lost in the club. "Okay. That's awesome. I don't think anyone would appreciate me showing up at one in the morning banging on the door because I forgot my key." He motioned toward his vespa with a grin.  "Just let me know where you live, okay? I am horrible with directions."

Mickey-Yesterday at 1:14 PM

"I probably could. I'll show you pictures of the blonde later. Maybe I'll do it. You could convince me." They laughed and nodded quickly. "Right? It's fucking weird. We fought today so it was great. I guess I needed the good time too." they shrugged, smiling up at him. " But we're gonna go watch Labryinth and not think about how weird today was and it's gonna be great." they winked before stopping short as they saw the vespa. "Oh God you were serious." they giggled, bumping their forehead against his arm. "Should you be drinking and driving your scooter, St. James?" they asked, smiling cheekily up at him. "Alright let's go, we're on Pine St."

James-Yesterday at 2:29 PM

"I have to see photos of the blonde or it didn't happen. Yeah, let's not think about the blgeneral weirdness of today. Or even this entire week." He looked over at Mickey. "Oh come on, Anderson. You didn't think I was going to bring Jesse's car to this place, did you? Yeah, I'm fine to drive it. Promise." James winked and got on the scooter, handing the helmet to them.

Mickey-Yesterday at 2:33 PM

Mickey had to giggle as they watched him get on the vespa.  "If I die....this is gonna be hilarious." they smirked as they carefully climbed onto the back, glad their shorts didn't ride up too much as they climbed on behind him, and pulled on the helmet, letting out a laugh again.  "Alright, let's get going." they smirked, as they wrapped their arms tightly around his middle, holding on tight as he started it up. \

James-Yesterday at 3:31 PM

"If we're about to die, I'm going to shout about this being Jackass, and you can't stop me."  James grinned as he felt Mickey's arms tightly around him. He took off as soon as he was told to get going. The drive wasn't too long, and soon they we at the Anderson house, where he parked and shut off the scooter. He took his helmet off and  looked over his shoulder at Mickey.  "Is this the right place?"

Mickey-Yesterday at 4:28 PM

"I will accept that. But I'm Johnny Knoxville."  Mickey chuckled as they held on. Honestly they were pretty surprised at how fast it went.  Considering Mickey usually walked to Scandals, it went by pretty quick before they were peeling off their helmet  as well. "Yeah, this is it." they smiled to him.  "I think riding home from Scandals with you on this vespa was possibly the gayest thing I've done in my life. I'm glad you were part of it." they teased him as they carefully climbed off, stumbling only a little bit. "Oh thank God no parents are home." they cheered as they climbed up the stairs to the front porch, getting out their keys. "Uh we have wine coolers, or capri suns, and I could grab cookies." they rambled, trying to whisper as they finally pushed their way into the house.

James-Yesterday at 5:32 PM

"Of course it's the gayest thing you've ever done. We're the king and queen." He laughed and  carefully climbed off of the scooter.  "That's good, at least I think." Another chuckle as he grabbed his bag and followed them to the front porch. "Okay, I don't even know what wine coolers are, but cookies sound great." James kept his voice to a whisper as he followed. "Just point me in the direction of the basement, and I will get set up."

Mickey-Yesterday at 5:39 PM

Mickey chuckled and moved to the door of the basement, opening it for James, and turning on the lights for him. “I’m actually gonna get changed too, do you need me to bring you pajamas? Uh... I’m sure I have something that’ll fit you, I promise.” they asked as they gently leaned against the door. “And then I’ll grab the rest of the stuff and... yeah i’ll be right down.” they offered, unable to stop how flustered and flushed they felt as they watched him.

James-Yesterday at 5:43 PM

"I'm probably going to need pajamas, thanks." James smiled at him and headed down into the  basement, thanking his sober self for bringing his external hard drive so that he didn't have to try and fumble with finding the movie on the internet.  "Okay. I'll be right here getting the movie ready." He  had already plugged the hard drive in and was working with the television.  "I'll warn you, though. I have a tendency to sing through this movie."

Mickey-Yesterday at 5:48 PM

Mickey laughed and shook their head at him as they headed upstairs. They spent a little too long deciding what pajamas to wear, before deciding on an oversized shirt,  and some booty shorts, before they next moved to raid coopers room for pajamas. Finally they grabbed the six pack of wine coolers and as much food as they could fit in their hands before making their way down the stairs, the v-neck already hanging off their shoulder. “I am very excited to see you sing through this.” they slurred some as they carefully set everything down, and held out the PJs. ��Oh so, there’s a bathroom over there, but you know, I’d be happy to watch you strip as well, your choice.” they shrugged with a grin as they flopped back on the comfy couch already opening another drink.

James-Yesterday at 6:03 PM

"Are you now? I think the alcohol messed with my voice, but I'll try my best." James smiled as he picked up his pajamas. "Not yet. I'm a little self conscious. No one has ever seen me change." He laughed as he made his way to the bathroom. It wasn't long until he came back out and put the clothes he wore to the club back into his bag.  He made his way over to the couch and sat, giving Mickey a smile and pushing play.

Mickey-Yesterday at 6:11 PM

"Pft, you're fine. Maybe a lil scratchy, but who isn't?" Mickey teased with a big smile, as they sipped the drink, nodding as he responded. "I was just teasing you.  Take your time get comfy I will be right here waiting." they chirped with a big smile. They understood, really they did. As confident a person as Mickey was, they really could only change in front of someone they'd slept with or girls.  To them there was something more intimate in changing than most of the sex they'd had.  They smiled back as he came out, distracting them from their thoughts. "I'm glad they fit, I think you're even taller than my older brother." they chuckled, moving to rest their cheek on his shoulder as the movie started.

James-Yesterday at 6:48 PM

"I love your short family, though. You and Blaine are the cutest." He teased and reached for one of the drinks and a cookie. Were these cookies vegan? Honestly, James was so hungry and drunk that he didn't really care. He opened up the  wine cooler and shifted in his seat, trying to make sure he was comfortable in his binder.  A grin appeared on his face while they lay his head on his shoulder and softly started to sing along with the opening song.

Mickey-Yesterday at 7:17 PM

"Excuse me, I am the cutest." Mickey teased as they watched him for a moment, while they curled up. They had to admit the puppets were still pretty terrifying. "Wow Bowie looks good. His dick must be huge." They giggled drunkenly. Soon the one wine cooler turned into three and they were all cuddled up to him. They did their best not to talk through the whole thing.  Which turned out to be pretty easy since they ended up focusing a lot more on James than the movie.  "This is really good." they whispered as the ball scene began, their fingers reaching up again to stroke at his cheek gently.

James-Yesterday at 9:14 PM

James laughed and nodded. "According to a biography I read, he actually was pretty sizable."  His wine coolers turned from one to three as well, and he found himself with his arms completely around them.  He looked down with a soft grin when he was told the movie was good. "I'm glad you like it. I was  worried for a moment."

Mickey-Yesterday at 9:17 PM

"No, no need to be worried." They giggled, glancing back to the screen quickly. "Who couldn't like Bowie?" they asked, looking back to him. A softer smile came over their lips as the music started, their eyes locking with his for a moment. Feeling a sudden burst of confidence, or perhaps the whisper of Bowies past to just do it, they let their eyes fall shut and leaned in to kiss his lips. Their hand stayed splayed over James' cheek, mostly to hold him close  as they dragged out the initial peck.

James-Yesterday at 10:05 PM

"I don't think I could be with anyone who didn't at least respect Bowie." James smiled and watched him. His eyes closed when he was kissed. Part of him wanted to pull away and go home, but mostly, he wanted to stay.  He put his hand over theirs and gently kissed them in return.(edited)

Mickey-Yesterday at 10:15 PM

Mickey hummed softly when they felt James returning the kiss. They playfully sucked at his lower lip before puling back and bumping their nose against his. “I’m sorry, was that weird? I just.... I dunno I felt like I had to.” they chuckled nervously

James-Yesterday at 11:03 PM

James breathed out a moment and shook his head. "No, that wasn't weird. That was actually pretty nice. Was it Bowie?" He asked with a playful grin.

Mickey-Yesterday at 11:08 PM

Mickey grinned when he agreed it wasn't weird. "Pretty nice?  Do me a favor and add that to my yelp?" they laughed before nodding. "Yeah sorry I just...needed to make out with Bowie and you're the closest thing." they hummed again, giving him a few more quick kisses. "Sorry your lips are really nice." they murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek next before they sat back completely, their tan cheeks a bright red. "You... you can kiss me whenever, just so you know." they chirped.

James-Yesterday at 11:52 PM

"I will once I'm sober enough to open the app." He teased. "No, it's okay. I'm honored to be the closest thing to Bowie. When I met Rachel, I was actually singing Life On Mars? in a full Bowie getup." James spoke softly, running a thumb over Mickey's cheek before leaning in and kissing them again.May 15, 2018

Mickey-Today at 12:28 AM

Mickey laughed at the thought of James all dressed up. "That's cute. Then I'd be trying to sit on your face though, so it's probably for the best you look like this." they giggled, before smiling as he took his turn leaning in.  Feeling playful they parted their lips, instead giving him open mouthed kisses as they scooted a little closer to his side of the couch while the song continued in the background.  If it were up to them, they'd want to spend the rest of the morning just like this.

James-Today at 12:45 AM

"Maybe it is, I guess. That would have been one hell of a first impression, though." James laughed and shook his head. He was a bit surprised when they parted their lips, but went along with it. After a bit, James decided to pull back as he was feeling himself get sleepy.  With a small yawn, he wrapped both arms around them once more.

Mickey-Today at 12:56 AM

Mickey hummed when James finally pulled away but instead wrapped them up. Their head easily lulled back to his shoulder, while their hands blindly pulled a throw blanket from the back of the couch, tossing it over the pair. "Are you comfy here? If not we could find a bed." they murmured, already sounding half asleep as they grew increasingly comfortable against the other's side. "Mm, or I could leave you alone, you must wanna take off your binder." they murmured.  They weren't going to bring it up, but  they felt bad after accidentally touching it a few times curing the movie.

James-Today at 1:35 AM

"I'm perfectly fine here."  James ran his hand along Mickey's back gently and slowly.  "You don't have to leave me here unless you want to go to your bed. I'm not going to get mad if you do. I understand."  He smiled, eyes starting to close just a little. "I've been in this thing longer. It's not ideal, but I can manage. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

Mickey-Today at 1:51 AM

Mickey hummed happily  as they felt the hand rubbing at their back. "No, no. I'm more comfy here. You're comfy and you smell good." they mumbled already sounding half asleep. Without thinking twice about it they rested their head on his flattened chest, smiling at the sound of his heart beat. "Okay just take care of yourself." they added tiredly as they wrapped their arms around him as well. "I'm tiny so just move me however you need to to be comfy." the laughed with their eyes closed.

James-Today at 2:00 AM

"Okay. As long as you're sure." James shifted just a little so that his legs were comfortable. "I will. I promise." His voice was strained with fatigue while he brought a hand up to run his fingers through their curls.

Mickey-Today at 2:02 AM

Mickey pressed a sweet kiss to James' wrist before they finally allowed themself to fall asleep, half laying on top of James, but they were more than comfortable there with him. They happily fell asleep as Labyrinth finished quietly in the background.

[coshayphinelove]

@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember.  so here it is...  more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare.  she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything.  she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them.  literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria.  through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them.  but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about.  she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths.  hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall.  showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade.  tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island.  so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them.  she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra.  but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next.  she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices.  probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly.  when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive.  cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect.  they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage.  mobile users, please pardon the length.  i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way.  she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her.  once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.  

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else.  so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones.  shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive.  even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional.  (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima.  she’s not well.  she needs someone who knows her.  or is at least someone she didn’t threaten.  but delphine is terrified.  she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her.  if she feels the same.  if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it.  and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone.  she’s got nothing left.  she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box.  if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop.  but it is a goal that they have.  eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women.  all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit.  she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed.  like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear.  but i don’t know if you want any.  or if... you would need that... or... you know...”  delphine just laughs at her a little.  “that was a lot of words.”  she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe.  she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling.  shay figures out that touch grounds delphine.  if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down.  they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown.  she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans.  she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships.  it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia.  she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans.  and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine.  she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that.  so many cuddles.  but at some point they share a kiss.  it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss.  and that kiss leads to a long talk.  which leads to more kisses.  which leads to them calling each other girlfriends.  which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating.  she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them.  it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot.  so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling.  several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls.  which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island.  delphine is beside herself.  she could die there, shay!!  so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto.  after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would.  she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time?  and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots.  she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that.  she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch.  there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of.  ‘i should have called her.’  ‘i should have gone straight to her.’  ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine.  they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.”  it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic.  they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about.  as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima.  with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating.  and they’re dating each other.  and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate.  she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor.  the best friend.  auntie cosima.  the wing man.  she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again.  she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more.  she knows this.  she’s just.  really depressed about it.

shay finds out.  probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima.  and delphine for sure still loves cosima.  and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory.  it’s never cosima bc she would never do it.  but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy.  if shay did it it would be to make them both happy. 

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee.  and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay.  and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine

[spiralatlas]

PAX Australia 2017 Day 3

There are no notes for Day 2 because I spent it socialising a little and sleeping a lot.

Queer Coded: A History of LGBTQIA+ Gaming

David Gaider Q&A

Brian Fairbanks Talks about Addressing Accessibility Through Game Design

Misc: I spent a chunk of the day in the diversity lounge which was fun. I met some great people at the Gender Diverse card game, and got to the semi finals of the Xena Nintendo 64 Fighting Game Tournament (there were only three rounds, but given how much I suck at fighting games this was still a happy surprise, and a sign of what a random button masher the game is)

The gender neutral toilets near the diversity lounge were very well done, unlike GCAP the original signs weren't visible and "with stalls/urinals" was in small letters like an afterthought.

I didn't break anything on Day 3 but did break a mug the next morning. Also the cinema in the Crown Casino is surprisingly inaccessible.

Despite the various mishaps I had a great time and will definitely come again next time we can afford it.

Queer Coded: A History of LGBTQIA+ Gaming

I missed the second half of this to see David Gaider, feeling very annoyed at the programmer.

Anny Sims @ChattyAnny on twitter (I was too slow to get the others!) Keely Thirkell Hayley Williams Soap Pejovic

Most queer characters are just queer coded, with plausible deniability. "It's up to you".Tendency for queer characters to be villains. Indie games tend to be more queer friendly than AAA games.

Lesbians: First known queer character in games: 1986 Moonmist had side-character who was a lesbian murderer.

Other notable lesbian characters:

KOTOR 2003, Juhani, first queer Star Wars character

Gone Home 2013

Dragon Age Inquisition Sera (I thought Sam Traynor from Mass Effect 3 came first?)

Tracer from Overwatch 2016

Trans characters:

1988 Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2 "A male who believes he is female"

Lots of others but all terrible. Jokes and villains. Trans women seen as threat. Poison from Final Fight 1989, "so you can hit a woman".

Krem DAI 2014 trans man, You can't go "Ok, cool".

Hainly Adams MEA 2017 trans woman. Tells you her deadname, this was patched.

Horizon: Zero Dawn 2017 trans man

Dream Daddy 2017 trans man. One throw away line about wearing a binder, had to be clarified by writers. Non binary people and cosplayers wear binders too!

How do you make it clear they're trans without them implausibly outing themselves or just having it be word of god?

Gay men:

1993 fmv Dracula Unleashed has speaking role

Tended to be background characters, jokes and villains again. No m/m relationships shown onscreen.

Dreamfall: the Longest Journey 2006 (not made super clear until 2015)

Steve Cortez Mass Effect 3 2012

Dorian DAI 2014

Dorian knew exactly what his sexuality was. Coming of age narratives get boring.

Bi Characters (no picture because they're invisible):

1993 Ultima 7 part 2 bi character propositions character regardless of gender.

"Slutty bisexuals". A lot of characters are playersexual and it never comes up outside the relationship.

Zevran DAO 2009

Borderlands 2009

Fable 2004 let player be bi, Fable 2 2008 added bi PCs

Playersexual:

Only queer in the context that they will date players of both genders, but you don't see that unless you play as both.

Dragon Age 2 2011, Anders only mentions his ex-boyfriend if you play as a male PC

Fallout 4 2015. Did have background queer characters.

Stardew Valley 2016

Non Binary:

1995 Chrono Trigger villain

Often robots, aliens or other non human

Frisk Undertale 2015

Life is Strange 2015

Zer0 Borderlands 2 2012

Turing Read Only Memories

Some games let you have gender neutral pronouns.

David Gaider Q&A

1999 Working on Balder's Gate 2, didn't talk about his sexuality at work. Figured he would always be writing stories for straight people.

He was shocked to hear Jade Empire was having same sex romance. Got to be lead writer on DAO after that. "So I can put same sex romances in, right?". More economical to have bi romances, but he would have been happier having some gay characters.

Feeling iffy about playersexuality after DA2, he asked for 2 straight, 2 bi, 2 gay for DAI. "Minority content" is weighed via the percentage of those who play it and those who appreciate it. Eg 5% play dwarves but most see it as a positive thing to be able to do.

Most of his time was spent on the actual plot but Dorian was the most personal writing.

He was targeted by Gamergate but it doesn't compare to, for example, how much Jennifer Helper was targeted.

10 years on Dragon Age was enough, his head would explode if he had to write another story about templars and mages.

How did you get the job: His story is very specific. He was managing a hotel and a comic book artist in his spare time. A friend was a character artist at Bioware but Gaider wasn't really aware of the specifics. Bioware told their employees "If you know anyone who does game related writing let us know", the friend gave them Gaider's LARP rule book without asking. Got a call, gave the stories he wrote in highschool, got offered a job. He said no, it didn't pay enough, but then he got fired from the hotel. It felt like a sign.  

Who do you think will take the romance torch from Bioware: he’s not sure they're giving it up? EA treats romance fans as a reliable audience who don't need to be advertised to, even though it's why a lot of people play in his experience (though obviously those are the kinds of fans he will tend to meet). There is an underserved audience.

Most proud of: Lots of stuff he's not proud of. Wishes he'd been more involved in community discussions early on. Proud that the team tackled issues as they started arising. Proud of the company for standing by them. Most proud of Dragon Age 2 despite the mixed response. They had very little time to create it. It’s like a very big first draft. They had a plan but didn't get to compare notes once things were written, so he had to trust the team would stick to plan as much as they could despite things being cut on the fly. Team said they were happy in a post-game survey, didn't feel he was too dictatorial.

What does your writing look like, a screenplay? A cutscene does. But it’s generally structured like a tree that expands and then contracts back to the core path before expanding again. Flow charts.

Favourite relationship in a game? Morden in Mass Effect. Cried more than in a movie. Tali was his space girlfriend. Of the ones he's worked on, Morrigan will always be closest. She represents Dragon Age to him. Joyous time working with Claudia Black, first celebrity he'd worked with. Flemeth was originally Arabic, but that actress couldn't do it so they got Kate Mulgrew. They stopped looking for an Arabic actress for Morrigan and looked for someone who matched Kate Mulgrew. Claudia Black's audition tape was her reading Smack That like a beat poet. Gaider was very nervous, he'd never spoken to any actor before. First rule he was told was don't compare them to another celebrity, so naturally he said "I had Helena Bonham Carter in mind when I wrote Morrigan". Claudia Black said "So you're saying I'm a cheap Helena Bonham Carter ;D". She would say "Does he want me to do it more like Helena?" during recording.

Has being so closely associated with diversity had downsides? He may be gay but he's still white and a dude. He feels like it's all he talks about conventions sometimes. Teams need to sit down and look at what they've made. Lot of things made individually without concern for the bigger picture eg only 15% speaking roles in DAI were female until they stopped and looked at it and fixed it.  

"We didn't think about it" is no longer a defense. He wants to help with that, but we should be helping other marginalised voices get into the industry and amplifying their voices.

Wishes it could just be expected and we didn't have to discuss it.

He likes dating sim mechanics in the context of a larger story. But he does like the idea of romance not being as tertiary as it's been in Bioware games, romance as part of the adventure eg a romantic adventure. He's not really interested in social sims or day to day relationships. "My idea of a spicy relationship is to have my life threatened."

Why do you think most AAA companies try to avoid discussions of lgbt stuff, why is it taking so long? Because it's Pandora's Box. There is more being added casually. But if they do nothing they get lumped in with the rest of the industry. As soon as they do anything there are 2 sides: 1. why are you doing this, you're politicising your game. 2. Why aren't you doing more, whatever you did is wrong and not good enough.

Not that flawed attempts should be above criticism. But by mostly focusing criticism on the games that did anything rather than nothing, people have increased the feeling that it's Pandoras box. He understands that it feels like those developers might listen to criticism but the dynamic is sending the wrong lesson.

My question: How do you think inclusion of non binary player characters can work with including gay and lesbian love interests instead of just having playsexuality? “We've thought about it”. He defined playersexual for audience, like Shroedinger's sexuality. He doesn't like it when the only way to have something show up is to have the character talk about it. eg asexual: character would have to sit you down and explain what asexuality is. Is unsexy as a feature. Explaining nuances of sexuality is off putting. If there was more nuance across the industry that would mean no one game has to do everything. Any one game can have only so much within it.

(This doesn't actually answer my question. I discussed it with my husband afterwards and even he didn't understand what I was asking, so I may have garbled it in my nervousness)

Are some choices "canon"? One of the features of Mass Effect and Dragon Age was the continuity of choices. No "canon" but there is a default. A lot of people feel like they have to play the whole series to get the full experience, was off putting, and he found the Keep a nightmare as a writer.

They had editors keeping track of which choices were incompatible. And that was just the third game. "Can you imagine for a fourth game? Phew! Not my problem :D"

Have you thought about the morals of gamifying romance, saying what people want to hear to get sex? Dragon Age didn't work that way, sex was not at the end. Some characters in DAI had no sex scenes, sex is optional for Dorian's romance. It's a game, everything is gamified, you can't simulate actual relationships. For proper reactivity you’d have to mark every response and keep track of inconsistency, but that’s too much work. Same with polyamory: too many variables!

Maybe get away from the approval system? Pay more attention to overall choices in major quests etc instead of individual lines.

Bi characters in DAI were bi from the start. Not the first thing that comes up during character creation eg Dorian started out as "the good Tevinter". Helps avoid too many assumptions based on sexuality. But once characters started solidifying they would think about who worked for what sexualities. There's no set way to write someone "as" bi, but the writer can have them talk about relevant things in other scenes. Sera's writer is a straight dude, he didn't want to write About The Lesbian Experience, and got lesbians in the company to check out what he was writing.

Have relationships gotten more or less complicated? In Balder's gate 2 there was a single sequence of romance scenes which you could get kicked off. Dragon Age had approval. If it gets complicated but the player can't see it or understand how reactions relate to their previous actions it just seems random or predetermined. Unless they say "I am angry at you because of X", but noone says that.

Brian Fairbanks Talks about Addressing Accessibility Through Game Design

lostandhound1 on twitter

His notes.

He's not blind himself, and while he obviously cares a lot about accessibility had an unfortunate tendency to treat disabled people as a separate, if respected, "Other" to himself and the audience, even though I was right there in a bright red mobility scooter. He advocated person first language, "a person with blindness" etc, but not all disabled people like it and it shouldn't be presented as unambiguous best practice. I'm building up the energy to talk to him about it.

He's a sound designer.

Audio games: designed for people with a vision disability.

Audio game jam: the games tended to be about blindness as a bad thing. It felt victimising.

How can we make people feel powerful?

He was inspired by his dog's amazing sense of smell. The mechanic is that you follow an invisible trail using sound cues, a humming noise that gets louder and quieter.

Sighted people struggle with extracting information from sound. The game is more difficult for sighted people.

He had to add fruit on the ground as an accessibility measure for sighted people.

All music is diegetic: happening inside the world of the game, eg characters are singing.

There's a lack of much budget for audio games, since they're never going to make much money.

In 30 years current 30-something gamers will need accessible games.

Accessibility tends to be added as an afterthought or accident.

For example Pokemon has unique sounds for materials, collisions, monsters that accidentally make it accessible.

Sony reader: US only

Microsoft narrator: good but hard to use as a developer

EA: Proactively adding blind accessibility

Fighting games are often in stereo, blind players can play and even win tournaments.

Demand more from your games.

Developers: find a consultant. Address accessibility early.

It's about empathy. People with disability deserve the same stories to take part in as everyone else.

gameaccessibilityguidelines.com

daisyalesoundworks

binaural sound is going to make a big difference

audiogames.net: where blind gamers go to play games. They're supportive if you ask for advice and feedback.

People don't mind if you don't do immersive, game specific voices and just rely on the screenreader

Sound designers need more love to make VR accessible.  

Braille games?? He doesn't know much about it.

Curb cut effect examples: curb cuts for wheelchairs but also useful for prams etc. Subtitles. Think about short term problems that benefit from accessibility as well eg the screen is broken, there's sunlight on the screen etc.  

Sounds of a blind person navigating their desktop. To me it sounds like a mangled garble of little bursts of cut off computer speech, here’s a description of what’s going on.

[themanyfacesofkat]

On The Whole Abortion Mess going on, just a vent

Gonna save you all the trouble of scrolling past and reading something you’ve probably heard enough of.

I have never had an abortion, I hopefully never will. I personally don’t like the idea of foreign objects in my hoohaa to remove something that could grow to be something more.

But I am Pro Choice.

Why? Because it’s not my fucking place to say what others can and cannot do with their damn body. People, not just women, but PEOPLE, Trans, nb, genderfluid, anyone with a working uterus should have the choice to decide.

My mother had an abortion, it was the first time she ever got pregnant, and it was going to be a baby boy. I would have had another older brother, but my mom found out that he was going to have a birth defect, one that could potentially cause him much difficulty in life, ranging anywhere from dying after birth, or living with a severe disablilty. She chose to get an abortion because she felt that it was the most ethical choice rather than let this kid suffer his whole life whether it be five minutes or several years.

I firmly believe that people who have working uterus’s should be the only ones who get to decide these things (that includes trans women who got the transplant, trans men who didn’t, nb people, etc.) The reason I specify WORKING is because those who’re infertile and want kids, or are infertile and don’t want kids, know that this won’t affect them, thus it’ll influence their choices. Before anyone says “but it will also influence ppl w/ working ones” I want to say, YES it WILL because THEY WILL BE THE ONES GOING THROUGH THIS. It’d be like people with disabilities that limit their mobility talking about how to make things more accessible to them, then someone with no disability that could hinder their movement saying “it doesn’t affect me so I’ll vote for the ppl who say less accessible things” Or maybe people who are in the army and intend to stay talking about how they could improve conditions for troops and someone who signed for the draft and will only stay the required amount of time saying “Lessen their rations and give them less ammo”

Both of these people may be in the target group, but they both have something that should disqualify them from these discussions

I have a Pro Life Conservative friend, I love her to death even though we don’t agree on most things political. One time, out of curiosity I asked why she didn’t like Medicare for all/universal Healthcare. Her reasoning was that she, and likely many other conservetives, don’t want the Government to have a say in their medical choices. I’m sorry friend if you’re reading this, you’re probably not, but this needs to be said.

I think that is VERY hyppocritical. They don’t want the Government to decide that whether they live or die, but they want a hand up every woman’s uterus.

Most of this entire thing is centered around religion too. It is generally a religious belief that life begins at conception. Science says that it’s when the fetus has a brain. In all technicalities, it’s not honoring freedom of religion. It’s not honoring seperation of church and state. Though there are some athiests who subscribe to this belief, and are pro life, and there are some theists who don’t and are pro choice, it is STILL a religious belief, just as much as Climate Change deniers and anti-vaxxers have their grounds in religion. If we let ‘life begins at conception’ be the main argument, then that’s not fair to people who don’t subscribe to that belief, thus not granting freedom of religion, forcing us to do this under god’s book, hell, the Alabama Govorner literally involked God’s name in banning almost all abortions

And what of the literal children being raped and forced to carry grown men’s babies? What of people being taken advantage of by their own family? What of the person who’s life is at risk if they carry to term? What of the person who wants the child, but the baby will not live through birth? What of the person who wants the baby but the baby will have some severe defect that will make it needlessly suffer?

And NO. Abortion is NOT baby genocide. You SHOULD NOT compare it to the holocaust because that is not what this is. It’s very insensitive to make the comparison.

Genocide is killing a specific group of people with the intent of wiping out their race/ethnicity, etc. Pro Choicers don’t want to kill all babies. What Pro Choicers want is to have their voice fucking heard and aknowledged. What they’re doing right now to the right to a safe abortion is telling people who actually matter in this debate that they DON’T matter.

The bill in Alabama was written by a woman, yes, but she doesn’t matter in this debate, why? Because it won’t affect her. I don’t mean to be rude, but she is old, so is the govorner that signed it in to law. And the ones who voted for it? All of them were white, cis men. Why does the white matter? Because marginalized groups will be targeted far more than white people (For ref: I am whiter than a new bed sheet, I look like I don’t know what the sun is.) This makes POC who have abortions or miscarry more at risk

And Miscarriage... You can get sent to jail if you miscarry. That is fucking evil, a woman who really wanted this child will have a miscarriage, and while she’s covered in it’s blood, she’ll be treated like a criminal, and then she may end up in prison if they somehow come to the conclusion that it was an abortion.

This isn’t a conversation piece, I just felt like I needed to vent about all of this, I don’t want to end up exploding on my friends and family, I just have a lot of thoughts on the matter. In a perfect world, abortion wouldn’t exsist. I don’t WANT abortion to exsist. But it does and for good reason.

If you want abortion to end, you need to make things safer for those who may need one. Give them healthcare, give them assistance, give them love and support. Banning abortions like this isn’t the way, you’re just endangering more lives than you can possibly imagine. Give rapists heavier sentences, give free and accessible birth control. We need to help them. Not just force them to carry an unwanted child to term then dump them in the gutter.

This is a post to all the people raped and ended up pregnant

This is a post to all the victims of incest and ended up pregnant

This is to all of the children who ended up pregnant

This is a post to all the people who wanted the kid but made the hardest choice of your life

This is the post to all the people who just couldn’t

And this is a post to all the people who died because of DIY abortions, pregnancy complications, and black market abortions.

I love you, stay strong, stay safe, and let’s keep fighting for the right to safe and legal abortion.

[itsworn]

Bright & Snarly 1952 Henry J Gasser Is a Tribute to His 1960s Drag Racing

If you were born before 1955, you might well remember building the famous Revell Henry J kit. Like most models of that era, it was highly detailed with many small, fragile parts. It may have taken two or three tries before you successfully built, painted, and applied decals to an example that you would be proud to add to your display case. At least that’s the way it was for me more than five decades ago, long before I knew I would make a career out of photographing and writing about cars, especially fullsize editions of cars I built as 1/25th scale models as a kid.

Fast-forward more than five decades. On a foggy spring morning in Southern California, I’m hanging out the passenger-side window of my buddy’s 1967 AMC Rambler Rogue convertible, trying to properly frame a fullsize version of one of those models.

The orange 1952 Kaiser Henry J is a tribute to the straight-axle gassers, the precursors of the Funny Cars that would dominate professional drag racing decades later.

Randy and Jodell Zeal estimate they put about 500 miles a month on their Henry J gasser, or about 6,000 miles a year. That’s a lot of enjoyable time behind the wheel for the couple, who have been together for more than 50 years.

Deluxe readers know more about the appeal of the Henry J for the drag racers of the late 1950s and into the 1960s than most folks. The formula was always simple: a big engine installed in the lightest possible body. But some might not know that the Henry J was the brainchild of industrialist and shipbuilder Henry J. Kaiser (who pioneered employer-provided health insurance that still today bears his name). He was one half of the team that launched the Kaiser-Frazer Corporation out of the automotive assets of Graham-Paige. Kaiser-Frazer was one of the first companies to try to meet the huge demand for new automobiles following the rationing of the Second World War.

Because of the buyers’ market and shortage of new cars following the end of the war, Kaiser-Frazer enjoyed a degree of success. But by 1950, when the Big Three engaged in a take-no-prisoners war for sales (interrupted by the outbreak of the Korean War), all the independents, Kaiser-Frazer included, clawed for market share. Packard, Studebaker, Nash, and Hudson all suffered.

Randy raced a ’57 Olds and later an Olds-powered T roadster at Lions and other Southern California strips in the 1960s. The decals evoke that earlier era and bring back fond memories.

In order to expand its lineup, Kaiser championed the design, engineering, and introduction of an inexpensive smaller car, one that would be easy to build, made from fewer parts (no glovebox, sparse interior trim, no opening decklid), and powered by an economical four-cylinder engine sourced from Willys-Overland. There was only one problem with this plan. The Henry J was only about $200 cheaper ($2,000 today adjusted for inflation) than an entry-level, fullsize Chevrolet. And yes, Sears sold a badge-engineered version of the car under the Allstate brand.

Its engineering simplicity ultimately made the Henry J ideal to use as a drag car. When it was discontinued after the 1953 model year (a few were re-serialized as 1954 models) and its automotive tooling was shipped off to Argentina, there was a surplus of Henry J cars for drag racers to work their magic upon.

The engine is a 383 Chevy stroker. There was no room for a blower without cutting into the little Henry J’s firewall, so Randy elected to go after a little ram-air effect thanks to the scoop feeding the twin Holleys and the tall tunnel-ram intake below them.

For Randy and Jodell Zeal of Lake Havasu City, Arizona, all of this history matters little. Now retired and with the full support of his wife, Randy has built this stunning 1952 Kaiser Henry J gasser. “We drive it everywhere,” he says. “At the shows we attend, most of the show cars are brought in on trailers and see very little street time.”

“We met while street racing in high school in 1965,” says Jodell. “He raced my sister that night. He was sitting on the hood of his ’57 Olds at Oscar’s drive-in restaurant in Garden Grove. My sister and I drove by in her ’64 Impala, a few words were exchanged, and we’ve been together ever since. We were married when Randy returned from Vietnam.”

Randy grew up in Huntington Beach and drag raced at Lions, Orange County International Raceway, and Carlsbad Raceway, among others. He made a career owning and operating a radiator repair shop in Laguna Hills, a calling that led them to Fallbrook, then to Murrieta, before retiring in Arizona.

The custom headers were ceramic-coated to help keep heat out of the car. Before Randy had this done, the floor would heat up to 135 degrees. Talk about a hot foot!

Randy jokingly said the biggest challenge in building the car was getting Jodell to write the checks.

“I retired at age 58,” he says. “Going back to my drag racing days in the 1960s at Lions Drag Strip, I always liked the Henry J gassers. Lions for me began in 1964. Ran the strip almost weekly with my ’57 Olds. It was a real sleeper since most people thought it was too heavy to be a good drag car. But little did they know that I stripped out as much weight as possible and won many times in the Street Eliminator class. In 1967 I built a ’23 T roadster with a 425 Olds and raced at Carlsbad and Orange County International Raceway until I was drafted.”

Years later Randy decided to build his own gasser. “At first, when I acquired the Henry J, I was going to do a stock restoration. But with a top speed of about 40 mph, that was a nonstarter. Then I determined that it was the right car to do a gasser like I remembered the cars from almost 50 years ago. Originally we budgeted $30,000 for the build. At last count, it has reached more than three times that amount.”

Randy built the Henry J’s straight-axle front suspension using components he sourced from Speedway Motors.

Randy characterizes his car as old-school fun. Remembering the durability of the ’57 Olds rearend, that’s where the project started. “I’m an Oldsmobile man and never gave a second thought that the rearend would be anything but a ’57 Olds. I found one in a boneyard in Phoenix. The car features a straight axle up front with ladder traction bars in the rear. It took time to figure out the right gears, starting with a 4.56 spool rearend, but we could not keep the front end on the ground. After breaking three sets of wheelie bars we now run a 4.30 positraction differential and only pop wheelies when we want to. We wore out the wheels on the wheelie bars just having fun.”

A lot of thought went into the engine before a selection was made. “GM makes a great engine, and initially the plan was for a big-block Chevy, but I decided that it would be too heavy for a street machine. Ultimately I ended up with a 383 stroker. I knew it was going to give me the power I was looking for. The bad news is that I contracted with an engine builder in Temecula, California, and almost lost it all. They were shutting down, and if not for a phone call, my engine and money would have been locked up and lost when they shut down.”

Up front, 15×5 Rocket wheels provide the spindle-mount look and are mounted to skinny Mickey Thompson Sportsman tires. In back, 15×12 old-school steel wheels with trim rings and Baby Moon caps are wrapped with fat Mickey Thompson Sportsman S/Rs.

The build included a Moroso oil pan, Scat reciprocating parts—rods, piston, crank—and Dart heads. Ruben Racing Cams of Anaheim supplied the roller cam that spec’d at 0.535/0.535 lift, 299/312 duration. “I also installed a dual-pass radiator and custom headers with ceramic coating,” Randy says. “The trans is a 700R4 converted to a floor shifter using a B&M torque converter with a 3,500-rpm stall speed. Gives me a little more hot rod action. The interior features classic Stewart-Warner gauges, a complete rollcage, and a five-point racing harness. The radiused wheelwells and the drag parachute by Simpson were added for old-school looks.”

After the debacle with the first builder and interviewing several other potential builders, Randy found “a great guy that was between jobs. His name is James Delich. I hired him fulltime and ultimately we have become great friends. James was a friend of Donnie Ho.  Donnie is a great fabricator and helped a great deal on the build. James and Donnie have been friends since high school. I have been friends with Donnie for over 10 years. Both are very knowledgeable, and with our combined experience we built a fine machine.”

The whole car was built around this robust ’57 Olds rearend, Randy says, a throwback to his racing days. “I realize that a new builder would go for the default choice, a Ford 9-inch rear, but being old school myself, I knew the Olds would be stronger.”

Randy notes that the brilliant orange paint and exceptional bodywork was done by Gil’s Auto Body in Hemet, California. The paint cost was a gift of the Zeal’s good friends Stan and Catherine Sorensen. The House of Kolor Chameleon shows gold and green in direct sunlight but in shade is flat orange. Jodell says, “We were deep into just getting the car on the road and planned to wait another year before painting. Stan wanted to see it finished, as at the time he was in failing health. So he offered to pay for the paint, and we were glad he did. He got to see and enjoy the car many times before passing.”

Other contributors to the build included Upholstery by Mac in Homeland, California, and USA Metal Polishing in Lake Elsinore, California.

“There’s one experience I’d like to share,” says Randy. “As I said, James and I became good friends. Coming back from the Rat Fink Reunion in Utah, my Chevy 454 SS tow vehicle blew a water pump just west of Las Vegas. It was midday in the heat of summer, but James came to the rescue. He drove all the way out to pick us up. We put the truck on our trailer, and James towed it home. Jodell and I drove the Henry J across the desert. It was so hot that Jodell had to put iced towels from our cooler on my feet so I could keep pressing on the gas. What a day! The looks we got out on the highway were fantastic.”

The Simpson parachute is there to look cool, but the wheelie bars are functional. In fact, when Randy was sorting out his rearend gears, he broke three sets of wheelie bars because the Henry J spent so much time with its front wheels in the air.

During the first year Randy and Jodell showed the Henry J, Randy says that “people just did not get the idea of the car. Once they did, we either got First Place or nothing. By the second year we were very well received and got many First Place and People’s Choice awards. The annual gassers show at the Automobile Driving Museum in Los Angeles was a great thrill to win the trifecta: Best Gasser, Best of Show, and People’s Choice.”

“We always invite children of all ages to sit in the car and have a photo,” says Jodell. “Families are surprised that we do this, but we believe we need to include kids to keep the ideas alive. The kids are thrilled, and we give them a postcard of the car with a little history on the back.”

The Zeals recognize that appealing to the next generation is the future of our hobby. That’s why it is so important that drag racing’s rich heritage be preserved for future enthusiasts to enjoy. We couldn’t agree with them more.

The Henry J cartoon on the quarter-panel was hand painted by Ron Williams of Winchester, California, a very talented artist.

The traditional Moon tank carries just enough fuel to make a couple of quarter-mile passes.

Randy’s goal was to keep an original look to the dashboard, though he did add updated Stewart-Warner gauges to monitor the stroker Chevy. The more comfortable seats were a concession to all the road miles he and Jodell put on the car.

Pic: Tim Boyd Even if you were too young to see a real Henry J hustle down the quarter-mile, you may have built one of the popular 1:25-scale kits. The “Souped-Up Coupe” was Revell’s Model of the Month for July 1969.

At Hot August Nights in Reno last summer, one of the judges told Randy and Jodell that “if there was a trophy for ‘Wow’ we would have gotten it,” Randy says. “It just doesn’t get any better than that.”

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