#I think I need to take my sleeping meds and go to sleep because I genuinely am mildly afraid of myself right now
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#I think I might genuinely be on the verge of a mental breakdown#prompted by nothing so literally wtf???#maybe it’s because I haven’t like…expressed in a while#I think I might just need an actual break#I’m just feeling…sad? today and idk why#like literally nothing is going on except I haven’t been sleeping well#not sure why that is either#I’m trying to make more of an effort to go out and do things even if it’s by myself#taking my meds and vitamins again and trying to eat better#I just feel sad and restless like I need to be doing something or going somewhere#idk it’s weird#Liz speaks#Liz’s personal tag
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it's so funny when I rewatch a show but with a new/different/additional crush. like I'm rewatching the librarians with my partner right now and it just feels soo different lol
#anyway. Jenkins 😍#on a completely unrelated note...#I need to learn more about pocket squares and ties.#because it's already driving me insane when they don't go together on night court but it's much worse on the librarians where I can actually#like. see stuff lol#I don't mean 'oh no the colour isn't an exact match'. more like 'these patterns and/or colours look fucking bad together'#but maybe there's like. reasons for that. rules that my silly little brain isn't smart enough to figure out#because all I'm basing that on is. my eyes and my opinion lol#anyway he's so baby. 🥰 and I definitely like him better now. very very huggable.#he takes that suit jacket off and I'm like 🥵#man I feel so weird about this :') but I must talk about it anyway or I will never get over that :)#like it just feels like. ohh this is weird I'm not supposed to think he's hot because he's old 😬 but he just. is 🤷#anyway touching his ears would fix me man it totally would#*with my mouth also. but whatever it's cool I'm not thinking about that#no haha why would I be thinking about it that :)#or when he sits on that table sometimes and I totally don't think about how I absolutely need to sit in his lap :)#haha noo I'm not thinking about fucking him at all who even brought that up#anyway i am very tired & have already taken my sleep meds so I am extra stupid rn :) and the dumb thoughts just keep coming out
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I SLEPT (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧
#(without taking more pills)#I was so tempted to because I did need to be awake for something at a certain time today#but I knew that even if I'd sleep faster with more pills I'd sleep worse and be groggier in the morning#so I used my non-medicine coping strategies to fall asleep and they worked#I am so grateful that YouTube and podcasts exist#I think the tea I drink helps a little too even if it might be placebo but it tastes good either way so I don't care#and I also make up lists in my mind#my thoughts never really stop so might as well try to distract myself with something that isn't too 'heavy'#I really thought I wasn't going to be able to sleep and I'm still surprised that I did#but I have been trying to cope better and not use more meds than I need to#I am trying
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this is officially worse than when i had e.coli i can definitely say that now
#emeto n illness etc its pretty gnarly and i dont have a filter so read at your own risk#its been 3 fucking days of barely sleeping and having that sleep interrupted by severe abdominal pain and vomiting#and then during the day i feel almost normal again! and then right before i go to bed the pain comes back and then im just up all night#this is the fourth day of work ive fucking missed this week and i literally want to jump off a cliff#this is worse than my ulcers its worse than e.coli and i havent slept since i woke up at 11:30pm. and its 8am.#ive been shaking and vomiting all night and im soo so tired. i need this to stop. the pain definitely got to like an 8 last night#and all i could do was lay on the couch and just writhe and whine because i literally cannot keep anything down!!#not even my.sleep meds that i unsuccessfully tried to take twice and threw them up both times#my whole body is pins and needles from fevers or chills or sleep deprivation i dont rly know or care#this is the first time in 8+ hrs ive been able to look at my phone without the nausea worsening tenfold so im dropping all of this#and if you think all of this feels bad physically! wait till you hear how it feels emotionally and mentally!
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I put the october pieces on my redbubble as prints because I think they’re preddy good. happy august are you gonna eat that
#bakuspecial#pokemon#swsh#hi. I am painting my bag#and the sealant turns out to be poison#so its taking! a minute! I'm trying to put as much down in one layer as possible before sealant#because boy oh boy. that sealant is bad. and I also only have one can of it#so yeah. the bg for the thing I wanna do is done I think. I just gotta finish up the (waves hand) the other stuff. yknow the main thing#so! thats my sunday plan. and then hopefully I can finish that up in one go and then seal it in for the last time#and I will not have to breath whatever that is in again. Im suited up btw. I dont have a filtration mask but Im triple med masked up#whenever I use it. and I also wear a long sleeved hoodie jacket#messing around with acrylic and gouache is so fun if not for the consequences#well. thats enough of that. hey if u want a print of these pieces get urself a halloween treat.#my halloween treat this year is hopefully I can hang out with my friends and play funny horror games. itll be so fun#or we all play scrabbles together again and I get my ass handed to me#I know english words sometimes but I am SO bad at counting. I am GARBAGE at understanding the rules of scrabbles.#its so fun to lose at scrabbles tho... I enjoy it :]#I need to sleep now. but I had naan with chicken pumpkin stew today. it was really good. today was great#have a good night guys! hold ur friends hand while walking in the wood okay?
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Vent post in the tags don't mind me
#I've been having a chronic pain flare up this week#I fell off tracking my migraines in March after getting meds which helped so I have no basis of comparison and everything sucks.#i think it's stress trigger because this week has sucked in general#i had panic attacks sunday and Monday about talking to my parents about wedding stuff#and then had to go on a work trip monday and Tuesday that was exhausting#so it's been a bad time but on top of that my body has decided to punish me with a normal people level 8-9 flare up and I'm still at work#sigh#the fatigue and brain fog is so bad and i have so much to do#I would love to quit and go freelance and be self employed so I can take the bad days off to rest#but until my books take off i can't do that I gotta hustle#and god love my fiance he's working so hard too but he hates his job so i need to stay here because my work actually satisfying#when im not exhausted#i get to do fun things#but the FATIGUE#ugh#I just wanna write my little stories and sleep#etta rambles in the tags
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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The difference between insomnia as a symptom and having a "decreased need for sleep" is that, while both results in you spending an ungodly amount of hours awake and not able to sleep, insomnia will result in a exhausted sleepy person while someone with a "decreased need for sleep" will not be sleepy or exhausted.
#rambles#tmi and bad decisions ahead#i have barely slept the past three nights#i can't fall asleep nor can i stay asleep#and while i can sense something is off enough with my body that it probably would be a good idea to get a full night's rest...#i am at regular functioning capacity#i'm not tired or sleepy... i don't need a nap#i am pretty much fine for the most part#which is even funnier considering that i am sick right now and that's when people feel exhausted the most#hypomania is a trip man#i'm beginning to think that certain games like instinctively triggers my hypomania#because this only started after i started playing graveyard keeper again...#games like that put me in this weird state of mind where i hyperfocus and obsess to the point that i can play for like the entire day#and this is coming from someone who usually does not play a single game for more than an hour at a time#so to go from one hour to like.... 8-10+ hours is rather concerning...#a part of me does wonder if it's actually hypomania or if i'm just physically weird#idk i don't think i've been displaying other hypomanic symptoms... at least i don't think so....#either way regardless my plan for this evening is to get drunk AND take one of my meds that causes drowsiness so i can hopefully sleep well#wish me luck! :)
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I started a piece of art today which is based on some plant species* that I think would be good to colonize Tim in @gunpowder-tim’s headcanon of the Persephone Tim headcanon; so it’s art based on a headcanon of a headcanon of a headcanon 😅 [sweat simle emoji].
It’s gonna take a long time I think, but I am planning on posting it here even though it’s just gonna be plants and no Tim (because I am much better at drawing these little doodle plants than drawing people).
*so the art is basically of real species we have on Earth, but I maintain that they wouldn’t have the same plants on the City, so in my brain his plants are just similar to these ones.
#i don’t know if i should main tag this. thats always hard for me to tell#persephone tim#i am taking a break now because for some reason it took me almost 4 hours to paint some ghost pipe.#i am researching more species too. im looking at a lot of liverworts. but they are ‘obscure’ enougb thats its not always easy to find if-#they are parasitic or not. i know *some* species of liverwort are. and depending on how im able to draw them i might include non-parasitic-#species because i need the space filled a particular way#im also tired because i stayed up until after 6 am and then didn’t take my sleep meds (because it was 6 am)#oh there’s also gonns be some mushrooms included#ive explained it before but basically the fungus being an intermediary is a thing we see in real life (although not between plants and-#animals afaik) and it makes sense because fungi are closer related to animals than to plants.#now i suppose thats not necessarily true on the City. because we dont know if they are homo sapiens or not (this would make possible-#implications for the other life on the plant). however for now I have no hcs regarding that. its easiest to go with their life works the-#same as ours. but their species are different if for no other reason because of evolution (over time)#well thats whats easiest and most interesting and fun *to me* which i realize is because i am a biologist and happen to also crave as much-#scientific accuracy as possible. but thats not everyones cup of tea. not everyone wants to spend hours searching about different parasitic-#plants to choose one for this and learn about how they interact and what not. probably *most* people wouldnt think this hard about it.#and that’s okay too. if you like to make up your own plants whole cloth and not worry about it aligning with realy world biology. thats-#okay too. do what you like.#(unless you are a tv/movie/book/etc which is supposed to be set in our world on our earth. YOU CANT MAKE APE/WORM HYBRIDS! for crissakes)#hope its okay i tagged you gunpowder-tim#also sorry to everyone for how much i ramble in the tags. i have adhd and keeping 1 try of though is nigh on impossible#like this: nigh means near. so nigh on impossible is nearly impossible. but one way of defining nigh is approaching. then its approaching-#impossible. which makes me think of math. ‘as x approaches infinity;’ ‘as y approaches impossible’#there have a little language and math too with your dose of spec bio explanation#(the ape/worm thing is a reference to an early x-files episode that i have complained about in tags before)
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i get really frustrated with days like today where i’m not feeling bad, but i also can’t function normally or feed myself, which blows up my plans for doing anything cause i can’t get it together. i also think right now though, because i’ve been working so much and moving, and basically been busy nonstop for the past few months, i’m having a hard time making my body remember how to relax. and also it’s been so long since i’ve lived in the city and been on my own with any free time, i just like...have forgotten what it’s like to live? lol. which i know sounds stupid, but really, i’ve forgotten about a lot of things that I can do in the city, and the places I can go since it was all unavailable to me for...really a few years. because even before moving to jersey for awhile it was covid and everything was closed and unsafe, so i really haven’t like, gone out and around very much in a really really long time.
also doesn’t help that i’m still horrifically out of shape and my knee still hurts daily. anyway idk what the point of this post is...i think i’m just frustrated with today cause i was gonna go out and do stuff but i was exhausted and my place is a bit of a mess cause i’ve been working so much i haven’t had time to keep it clean. so instead i’ve just been sitting around all day trying and failing to make my body go do things.
#so the anxiety meds are working i think but the adhd meds still need some work#don't think it's doing much of anything for me#also the sleep meds obvs aren't doing shit loooool#also about to drop a boatload of money buying camera supplies and accessories#in anticipation of going on vacation#first real vacation in a decade#and probably last real vacation for another decade so...#gonna take all the pictures#and hopefully not fuck them up#because i'm bringing my film camera#and i also hope i don't fuck that up
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update: the muscle relaxers have stopped working.
#not writing#personal#I've bumped it up to two at a time even#and I'm just now realizing that I don't think this has been isolated to pain meds either#I'm not sure ANY medication has stayed with me long-term....#......except for one.#and it's going to be a pain in the fucking ass to try to get a 'script for it.#I don't even know what to do at this point#I still need to set up the ortho appointment but I need to try to get pain meds in the meanwhile because I fucking HATE GOING TO SLEEP#and every time I'm physically facing my doc I get too anxious to ask for the opioids#and the med bills are adding up.#['i don’t know i just don’t think this is like right for me i don’t wanna do it i wanna go home like i can’t take the pressure of it' meme]
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and#then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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my “midterm” that basically determines whether i still have a job or not (for now; if i pass i still have to take the “final exam” next friday as well as pass a call simulator test the week after) is tomorrow and i am totally not hardcore stressing out about it 🤪
#kayleigh.txt#i am going to take my sleep meds because i got maaaybe two hours of sleep last night#and if i lose sleep tonight due to stress i am basically totally screwed lmfaooo#i DESPERATELY need this job so 🥲👍🏻#send smartypants vibes my way pls & thank#i need an 80% or above to pass#got all 36 questions right on our practice game today#as well as got a 92.8% on the practice quiz that our trainers claimed was harder than the actual midterm#midterm is 160 questions all multiple choice/drop down/true or false so 🤞🏻#final exam... we’re not gonna think about that rn lmfao but it is significantly more difficult than the midterm 💀 obviously
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I should just sit down and get some of my commissions out the way this morning so I don't rapidly contract in on myself and implode anticlimatically before my copy of scarlet delivers
#hello its 8am i am up because my house doesn't have a safe place for parcels and if i miss the delivery and they take it back to the depot#i think i will lose it just a little bit#it is very cold now but im still not turning the heating on i don't want to pay for that shit. thinking abt investing in a heating pad#but that's smth to save up for so i don't burn the house down with a shit one#idk whether i will get much done of comms but i will try. tired as hell and ive been artblock ish lately#im working on it but it's smth i need to slowly coax my way out of by just chipping away at it i think#i have a bunch of comms *started* i just paused on all of them halfway thru the lineart for some reason. like 3 of them#so i need to just force myself to sit down and finish some of those#also trade. i have one old trade that's been on the backburner too long im sorRY i still haven't forgotten#gwuh this is a hell of a post but my meds haven't kicked in yet dbfSD im used to just going back to sleep after until they do but not today
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tag vent
#so i think my boyfriend is going to break up with me#i just had an abortion a week ago and i was at the ER last night for hours#ive been in so much pain recently and it stopped today after the ER visit bc of the meds they gave me but also i learned that due to all the#blood loss im now anemic and might need a blood transfusion and im so afraid of everything getting worse because it is#im still homeless and trying to get stable housing. im staying at a temporary housing place right now but im sleeping on my moms couch on#and off because she has a car and os close to the ER if something goes worse.#im pretty sure hes going to leave me. hes been distant and i really need him right now. like he isnt taking care of me when i can barely#move because of the extreme pain. he hasnt been cooking for me after i cooked for him every night since we got together until now.#he hasnt been there emotionally and is only there physically sometimes even though hes with me everyday and night. hes not there financially#either. the one time he sent me money to help was 2 days ago and he essentially made me spend the 25 on games and wouldnt let me save it#for when we needed it. it also seems like hes blaming me for his blood sugar even though ive been spending my last cash on him and when i#have nothing i still get him sugar and food. he hasnt contributed at all really and i feel so fucking used and that hes going to drop me now#ive been using all of my connections and resources to make sure we have a place to stay. an apartment. food. sugar. and safety.#but all hes done is lie about putting in job applications and try to get into an apartment over an hour away from where we are and he knows#i dont want to move there at all. but he keeps trying to get in. ive told him im not moving there. he said all he wants is for us to live#together and he doesnt care where it is. but damn i dont feel heard at all. and i feel like hes definitely going to leave me#im so scared i love him so much#tag vent#vent#vent in tags
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Okay quite honestly if the temperature doesn’t go down I’m gonna [redacted]
#my whole body physically feels GREASY. it’s DISGUSTING#and i’m CLEAN i showered THIS MORNING#it doesn’t matter though. i literally sweat every time i move#it’s partly side effects from meds but it’s partly just hot and humid#i desperately need to wash my hair but i feel like there’s no point?? it takes my hair like 6 hours to air dry#plus i sweat from my head so like it’s actually just not going to stop being drenched at any point really#day 1 after washing my hair it is wet from water. day 2 it is wet from sweat. day 3+ it is wet from grease#we’re on day 3 and i look like a zombie#i’m exhausted. feel like i can’t drink water fast enough. can’t sleep#at night i lie awake trying to plan low budget trips out of here. and then i remember i can’t even justify the expense of weed#i’m bloated from eating too much chinese food earlier. i took a nap this afternoon because i felt so lousy#you guys don’t know me that well so you don’t know how concerning it is that i took a nap#see i usually can’t fall asleep in the day. no matter what. before 10pm i cannot sleep#i take maybe half a dozen naps in a calendar year. i rest my eyes plenty but i very very rarely fell asleep#today though? i put my cooling sleep mask on; laid down on the couch and passed out at 2 in the afternoon#woke up thinking i’d gone blind. i think that was my first nap of the year#so it’s safe to say one more day of 27 celsius and 80% humidity might well finish me off. thanks#personal
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