#I think the meds are giving me thyroid issues too which could also explain both problems

[taralen]

/pos 😏

I get the impulsive desire to dye my hair black, but I'm dealing with hair loss at the moment (likely due to my inability to keep food down and one of my meds), so I don't think that'd be a very smart idea. LOL

Also, my scalp felt like it was on fire when I applied an herbal serum earlier. Apparently, that's a sign of irritated hair follicles from stress, anxiety, or depression. Wow, I suffer from all three! GREAT!

I'm weaning off the medication that I highly suspect is contributing to the hair loss, but I'm also more manic without it... Which you know what? @#$% it. I would rather be loopy, hyper, and maniacally laughing at random $%^& than stress out over possibly going bald. LMFAO

Also, I started therapy. It's been a while since I've seen a therapist, but I got referred to a program that lets you choose the one you think will work with you rather than just assigning you to a random person. The guy seeing me thought I was amusing and hilarious, so hopefully, it goes well. AHAEAHAE

[bubbyleh]

A Series of Shockingly Close Calls (ch.1)

oh no I fan fic’d a fan fic. I got thinking about soft monster au Boomer moments and it made my brain go bbbbrrrrr so then this happened. I’m woozy as hell because nobody told me that the antacids they were putting me on would make me not able to absorb my thyroid meds so I’m both very hypo, very potsy (cus hypo makes my p.o.t.s. worse) and in withdrawal so there’s no blood in my brain and I’m wacked out which makes me get suuuuuper purple with my prose so sorry for all the “forthright"s and "moreovers”. I’m just a little creature I cannot help this. Written in one sitting and probably a lot of typos and I’m sorry if I accidenally used ‘he’ for bubs in there somewhere I was having trouble with that. Once again, I’m p deep in withdrawal rn so bear with me. Anyway let me know if this is acceptable to put on ao3 as a gift fic to your fic. (yes I do plan on their being more than one chapter. no I make no promises due to aforementioned medical issues)

crocs here! sorry to put this in the middle of your submission, but i thought it’d get lost at the end. this is amazing! fanfic of a fanfic? i love this so much and i’m going to cherish it forever, thank you!

you can post this to ao3, i would be so happy if you did! i hope you feel better soon, i know health problems can be sucks. and don’t worry if you called bubby “he”, i write them using he/they pronouns (i just default to “they” for simplicity). 

also, i hope you don’t mind that i put a read more in! ________

Three months.

  Three months into Harold Coomer’s acquaintanceship with his eccentric and eclectic(in both taste and physical composition) companion was the first time the homunculus had begun to feel, as they’d put it, ‘drained’. 

  Bubby had explained to an enraptured Coomer,on more than one occasion, the nature of their state of reanimation, far different from Coomer’s own. They were a man-made construct of flesh, artfully pieced together from pieces of different corpses, stitched into a singular being and imbued with life by the great and terrible force of the heavens, in the form of lightning. 

  Coomer said it reminded him of Prometheus, sculpting mankind from clay.

  Bubby said it reminded them of a penny dreadful.

They existed in a state between life and death, though not quite undeath, either. Certainly each composite part of them, corpses as they had been, could be considered undead, but Bubby themself was a new creation that came into life for the first time upon the metal slab of their creators laboratory, never having ‘died’ and therefore not being themselves brought back from the dead, but nevertheless composed of reanimated parts.  

  They were sustained not by blood coursing through veins, but rather electricity, which was honestly a boon for Coomer. He was still fairly young, by vampire standards, anyway, and his self control could be…spotty at times, and it was nice to have a companion that he could sit beside and feel no desire to tear their throat out and drain them of their life juices. They could subsist without food or drink if they needed to, as well, which was also helpful, as it was often not possible for either of them to venture into civilization to obtain rations of any kind.

However, there were downsides to Bubby’s condition, as well, which began to make themselves apparent those three months in.

  Bubby’s escape from the lab of their creation was as unplanned as it was unorthodox. The whole thing had apparently been pure chaos from beginning to end, and Bubby didn’t seem to enjoy talking about it very much. Certainly an angry mob was involved, at least some pitchforks and torches, and a massive inferno of less than fully explained origin(‘Fire good,’ Bubby had said with a shrug), the last of which providing a convenient distraction for Bubby to make their escape into the nearby woods, but they hadn’t exactly had ample time to plan or provision their flight. They couldn’t take any of the tools or resources their creator had with them when they fled. They had no idea what they would need, nor any idea of what to expect when they were away from that lab for any extended period of time

  Three months after their escape, it began to become apparent.  

  Coomer noticed long before Bubby said anything, and, in fact, had to more or less force a confession out of them about it. 

  Bubby just began to…slow, the way one does when they’ve gone too long without proper sleep. They began to stumble more often, to take longer to think of words, and such. The difference was very slight, only so drastic as someone who had woken up an hour or so before they’d have liked to that morning, and generally only became noticeable when Bubby was themself tired, but sleep never seemed to completely chase away that fatigue and Coomer worried. 

  He especially worried when Bubby practically panicked at Coomer’s slight inquiry into the subject, insisting far too forcefully that nothing was wrong and changing the subject. Coomer was eventually able to wrestle(both metaphorically and literally) an answer from them.

  Energy of any kind, is finite, and that included the energy that maintained Bubby’s state of ‘half life’. Without supplementing it, it would eventually run out. Bubby’s creator had a huge contraption of wire and steel that Bubby would be attached to via the bolts on their neck. When lightning struck the lightning rod atop the laboratory roof, it would travel down those wires into the bolts and, by extension, Bubby, ‘recharging’ them, as Bubby put it. 

  “Why on Earth didn’t you tell me?” Coomer demanded.

  “Because I didn’t…Because it’s none of your business!” Bubby snapped. “I don’t go snooping into how you get your ‘fix’! When you disappear into a town for the night, I don’t pry into your sudden improvement in pallor. I don’t ask you about the screams!”

  Coomer flinched. It was a low blow and he was immediately inclined to take the bait, but the look in their eyes gave him pause. It was a fearful glint like a trapped animal, lashing out in fear, not anger. 

  He huffed out a small, unnecessary breath and crossed his arms.

  “What is this really about?” he asked, voice calm, but stern. “Why didn’t you…,” his voice wavered, ever so slightly, “Why didn’t you trust me?” 

  The anger in Bubby’s face drained in an instant, falling instead into a look of pain and remorse.

  “No, it’s not like that!” they insisted. “I just…I didn’t…I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t…I didn’t want you to…”

  “To what?”

  Bubby sighed, deflating. They averted their eyes, not meeting Coomer’s gaze. 

  “I didn’t want you to leave me behind,” they admitted at last, voice barely above a whisper. “There’s never been anything else like me before. I don’t know exactly how I work or how to keep myself working. I was afraid if you realized that, if you thought I couldn’t take care of myself, you’d…decide I was too much trouble.”

  Coomer burst out laughing.

  Any meekness to Bubby’s expression vanished in an instant and their bolts sparked with indignation. 

  “Why is it every time I bare my soul to you you laugh?!” they spat.

  Coomer wiped a tear from his eye. 

  “Forgive me, Bubby,” he said. “It just strikes me as so completely preposterous I can’t help but laugh!”

  “That I don’t even know how I can exist?” Bubby snarled. “That I don’t have any idea how this…hodge podge of flesh I call a body can even hold itself together? That I could just stop working one day and have no idea why? You find that ‘preposterous’?” they again cast their eyes to the ground, a mixture of shame and rage on their face.

  Coomer’s expression softened and he stepped towards Bubby to lay a hand gently on their cheek and guide their face up to meet his gaze.

  “That you could think there was anything that would make me want to not be with you,” he said.

  Bubby’s eyes went wide and his bolts sparked again, but with a softer sort of ‘hum’ of energy, rather than the earlier harsh zapping. 

  “You are one of a kind, Bubby,” he went on. “I’ve never even heard of something like you. I didn’t think something like you could even exist. It’s fascinating! You’re fascinating.”

  Bubby’s mouth opened and closed like they wanted to speak, but couldn’t find any words.

  “It’s easy, as an immortal, even one so relatively young as myself, to feel as though the world begins to stagnate.” Coomer continued. “That someday one will reach the point at which existence can yield nothing else but that with which one is already too well acquainted. But you…You’re something entirely new. Something unprecedented. There’s so much to learn from you. About you. I want to… understand you.”

  Coomer dropped his hand from Bubby’s face to their shoulder, this time being the one to avert his gaze.

  “Moreover, I want to…I want to see you experience this world, as new to you as you are to it,” he said. Had he not been long dead, a flush would have probably risen to his cheek. “There’s so much you haven’t seen, haven’t done. I want you to see them, to do them. And moreso, I want to show them to you, give them to you. The way your eyes light up at things I’ve lived in fear someday would hold for me only monotony and makes me feel as though I could never again find them mundane…I want to see that. I want…I want to never stop seeing it.”

  He braved a glance back up at Bubby, who was agape with shock. 

  “Nothing so trivial as a lack of energy could possibly deter me,” he said, voice resolute. “Even if I have to build a tower of steel and wire myself, there’s nothing that would make me leave you. For as long as…as long as you’ll have me.”

  Bubby’s hand clasped onto Coomer’s still resting on their shoulder, holding on like they expected him to disappear if their grip wavered. 

  “Forever!” they said, instantly, then seemed to panic at their own forthrightness. “I mean, for as…for as long as you’ll have me.” 

  Their bolts were crackling with electricity now, sending off small, glowing motes and arcs of energy. 

  Coomer smiled and reached out with his other hand to touch Bubby’s cheek again.

  Many years later, when Coomer would become fully educated on the idea of a ‘circuit’ and the ramifications of completing one by placing one’s hands on either side of what was essentially an openly sparking power source, the resulting occurrence would be an interesting and enlightening memory.

  As it stood in the moment, the resulting electrocution simply caused him to be rendered briefly unconscious and his hair to not lie flat for a week. 

[raven-blood-13]

Important life update

I’ve talked about this a lot on twitter but not anywhere else and I really need to say it. I’m writing this late at night and posting it in the morning, so it will probably be rambly. This is a long post, I’m sorry, but it’s honestly been a lot of shit.

I know I’ve been pretty quiet and not updating much other than finished commissions, and I greatly apologize for so many late replies and replies I still need to get to. I haven’t forgotten, I’ve just felt overwhelmed. 

Here I’ll be listing personal issues that have been mounting stress on my family and I for a few months now.  

My mother lost her job a few months ago, out of the blue and for no real reason. No real warnings, and no weeks notice, just, fired. Because oh so wonderful Florida is an At-Will state so they can fire without telling us a reason and at any time. My mother worked this job for 8 years, was good at it, was hoping for a promotion soon, and now it’s gone along with all benefits.

Everyone in my family suffers from mental illness including depression, anxiety and ptsd.  My mother also has a Thyroid issue that’s pretty bad.  She finally was able to seek treatment due to the job she had with it’s insurance. This has greatly helped her life, she’s felt so much better, and talking to someone about her issues was so important.  

Now we have run out of insurance, just my medication (two of the three i need) costs just under $200.  Our unemployment money is about to run out and even though my mother literally broke down crying from a panic attack in front of a doctor testing her for possible disability, we still didn’t get it.  Yeah we can reapply, but just getting this fiasco done so they could say no took like three months. We don’t have that kind of time now.  She’s not getting refills approved for some meds either, so she’s forced to borrow some of my depression medication

She’s currently trying to find a job, but the place she worked for before that said they had openings she could look into in other sectors of the job either wont call her back or seem to not believe her credentials. I told her she can borrow my money, but she doesn’t seem too into the idea, and even then, I don’t know how long that’d last.  Why did she get fired you might wonder? Oh because another employee above her just didn’t like her. Of course they can try to come up with a different excuse, but we know. Because my mother was good at her job, very very good in fact. She climbed the ladder to a high position because she was good at helping the business. But Florida!  Florida means we can’t do jack about that!

On top of all this mess, my grandma is going in for surgery on the 26th for a double mastectomy. We recently found out she has very early stages of breast cancer and she opted to not have radiation and is instead getting both breasts removed.  Of course she’s scared, and we’re all worried.  She’s recently already had two surgeries, one was very major, so we’re all pretty stressed about this next one.  

Then there’s “little” things that have been happening.  Like our neighbor berating us about the dumbest things. Going so far as to yell at my grandma when she was working on painting the side of the house.  About our travel trailer being parked in a discreet area of our yard. (since before all this shit, we had plans to travel in it. Not like that will happen any time soon now.)  Which they call the trailer an “eyesore” even though this is not a gated community or anything, they still called the cops on us about it, and then code enforcement. Which guess what! There was no problem. None!  But oh what fun is it hearing the cops and code enforcement knocking.   Which this isn’t the first time either! Months ago they called the ASPCA on us because our dogs were -gasp- barking. And we in fact take great care in getting them inside when they start barking outside. And of course, again, there was nothing wrong and the ASPCA left. 

Overall I’m stressed in a way that’s hard to explain. I’m trying to keep calm, to do work, but I know it’s seeping into things and making it hard to do anything or really communicate.  

Writing this is honestly kinda hard because I really have to sit down and think about all of the awful possibilities if my mom doesn’t manage to land another job.  I have money to give her, but I don’t know how long it will last before it’s depleted due to the medication and housing expenses. My grandma works, but after this surgery she’s not going to be for awhile.  Places here just. Don’t hire much, and the only job I know I can go back to easily is one i truly hate and was the worst time of  my life. Then there’s also the problem of caring, my mother and I both can’t really have a job we can’t control the hours with because my grandma will need to be watched over. She honestly can not be left alone after major surgery.

I want to hope for the best, but I can’t help but expect the worst.  Things were finally looking up for my family after so many years, we were finally getting help after so much horrible shit, and now everything’s just been turned upside down and shaken. 

I truly might have to look into a donation site at some point which I really am not looking forward to, but if someone knows of a good one, please do give me some names of a few.   

[mental-health-advice]

I'm on XXmg elvanse, get too hyper on Xmg. Ive been ill and My GP is assuming all my health problems are psychological which I understand but we're checking for thyroid issues etc. I have had lung infections for while. On my meds i can get shortness of breath and palpitations but its related to stress and being overwhelmed. Anxiety. But Ive been wondering if I'm overmedicating because of these problems? This stress can be dissociating and comes with emotional issues. On good days the meds are

The meds are great, however I do feel overly flat or calm but I generally never get to be so healthy minded, including good sleep, no smoking weed and eating well. Should I try make adjustments or should I contact my ADHD specialist to help with these other problems. Idk what to do, Ive missed 2 appointments, and also an appointment to get an ECG fitted for 24hrs. Idk how to rebook the appointment. I don’t want to ask family they can ruin me mentally for a month. Friends are no help.

I have no sex drive and no real feelings for people. I dissociate quite a bit, Ive just sent an ask in relation to my ADHD medication. I'm talking even my friends or my family, but I feel an intense drive of protection for my family that's angry and terrified. But I don't feel much. I'm distant from the world. I don't feel derealisation etc anymore but I lost time or get confused by my thoughts or im not sure what i said as supposed to mean and I'll misunderstand it? Idk what's going on with me

Hi darling,

I think it’s really good that your GP is checking whether your current health problems aren’t anything else, rather than psychosomatic (which is when psychological issues are causing physical problems). Better to be safe than sorry, so it’s always good to check to be sure! Then if they can’t find a physical cause, they can start thinking more about the possibility of psychosomatic issues.

I understand your concern on whether you might be overmedicated, however that isn’t a question we can answer. I think it’s important you address this concern to both your GP and your ADHD specialist (and if another doctor prescribed you the medication then to them as well). I strongly discourage you to make any adjustments yourself. Medication is such a complicated matter and any changes should always only be made under the supervision of a doctor, if recommended by a doctor.

Rebooking appointments can definitely be difficult sometimes. Did you get a referral to get this ECG? Because then your best bet probably is to contact the doctor who referred you for it, and they can contact the place again to make sure that you get another appointment. Or if they can’t do this, then they can definitely give you advice on how you can rebook this appointment! With your ADHD specialist, I’m assuming they have some kind of practice that they’re part of? You can call this practice during work hours, explain that you’ve missed some appointments and that you’d like to schedule a new one. If they don’t really have a practice, then it might be more difficult to reach them as they will be in sessions often, but you can always choose to leave a voicemail and ask them to call you back to schedule a new appointment. Or if you have an email address, you could send them an email. If the place isn’t far away you could also go there and schedule an appointment right there and then.

When it comes to your dissociation, you might want to try out grounding techniques. We have a page listing a lot of different ones here. Different techniques help different people, so it can take some trial and error to find the ones that work for you. My personal favourite is the following one:

Describe 5 things you can see;

Describe 4 things you can hear;

Describe 3 things you can feel;

Describe 2 things you can smell;

Describe 1 thing you can taste.

I hope that this was at least a little bit helpful lovely! I’m sorry that I can’t give you any advice on what to do with your medication, but that really is something a medical professional needs to look at.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

[ahmiyahstanton97]

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[dmozal-cancer-walk-in-50states]

South Dakota’s Rapid City Relay for Life

June 9, 2017

I met a wonderful group of people at the Rapid City event. I met a family that took me under the wings and shared a lot of their evening with me, talking about their experiences with cancer and their love for one another. I was told it was the hottest day of the summer so far!!

Rocky (left, Shirley’s son in law and a cancer survivor), Shirley Johnson, and me

Shirley Johnson was originally born in Hot Springs South Dakota. She was living in Wyoming when she was diagnosed with breast cancer 17 years ago. She discovered her cancer because she was tired and decided to talk to her doctor. The doctor said he thought she was just depressed (winter blues) so he suggested she spend the winter in Huma but he wanted Shirley to get a mammogram before she left on vacation.  That mammogram saved her life.

Once her cancer diagnosis was given, Shirley and her husband Chuck moved to Rapid City because they felt there were better options in Rapid City than there was in the whole state of Wyoming. It worked out well because her mom was still living in Hot Springs and Shirley was helping take care of her. Shirley and Chuck built a house in the area and feel it was the best decision they could have made.

Shirley went through a study at Mayo Clinic for her treatment although she REALLY didn’t want to have chemo. She tried going to three doctors hoping to hear she didn’t need chemo but all of them said the same thing. Her doctor explained she needed chemo because she had an invasive type of breast cancer. Chuck has a daughter who is a surgeon that specializes in breast cancer so they asked her advice often. His daughter in law knew the surgeons in the area so she suggested the one that Shirley had performed her surgery. She has been very happy with him!

Shirley had the mastectomy, then reconstruction, then chemo. Every person I’ve talked to has a different thought on how they would handle their disease if they had to do it over again. Shirley said she would have the chemo before reconstruction because the chemo was so hard.

Shirley has been lucky to have no edema and no other major issues. By being a part of the study at Mayo, Shirley took a few types of drugs that were very harsh and made her extremely ill. Her doctor said at that time that he hadn’t see anyone get as ill as Shirley but she is an extremely strong woman. The effects of the chemo took a toll, especially since so long ago the drugs were much more powerful. She has had a few health issues since her diagnosis such as needing brain surgery, having a pacemaker and issues with bone density. She is glad, however, to know that changes in the drugs are substantial so the side effects are much less than they used to be.

Shirley’s mother also had breast cancer. She was 92 when she passed, 6 years after she was originally diagnosed. The family thought the cancer was gone but it had spread to her bones and lungs. They attribute the reoccurrence to the fact that she didn’t have a “cancer doctor” but you just don’t really know. Shirley’s mom was relatively healthy before she was diagnosed.

Shirley has two sisters that were also affected by cancer. One had breast cancer and the other had ovarian cancer. Her two brothers haven’t had any issues.

Shirley has four daughters and would have liked to have had the genetic testing but they didn’t do testing close to her. She would have had to send it out and it would have been extremely expensive. Her daughter Kathy had the genetic testing and she doesn’t have the BRCA gene. Since they have children Kathy wanted to get the genetic testing done for not only herself but for her siblings as well.

As always, I loved Shirley’s family. I was blessed to meet two of her daughters and one son-in-law, Rocky, who is also a cancer survivor. In fact, Kathy made a luminaria bag for me (which was extremely special).

The family was involved with Relay before Shirley was diagnosed but their involvement increased significantly since she has been diagnosed. They are a great support for Relay and especially for each other!

Nita McClure is a 4-time cancer survivor! I’ve included an excellent article that was written about her in 2014. She has been dealing with cancer for over 36 years. It’s amazing to read about this woman. She had thyroid cancer in 1981, then pancreatic cancer in 2005, followed by lung cancer in 2007 (even though she had never smoked), and her last bout was a return of the pancreatic cancer in 2013.

http://rapidcityjournal.com/lifestyles/health-med-fit/four-time-cancer-survivor-lives-life-in-the-moment/article_c23f3b67-55c9-5490-9c0b-4b1f8fb0c5a3.html

Nita comes from a family of longevity. Her parents are 91 and 93. Both have had cancer themselves. Her mother had skin cancer and her father had lung cancer from asbestos exposure.

With all the surgeries and chemo Nita is amazingly strong. Her second bout with pancreatic cancer caused her to have her pancreas removed, which caused diabetes. She says that diabetes has actually been a very difficult health issue to deal with but she keeps plugging along.

Nita is finally at the point where she will go to the doctor every 2 years. She says sometimes it’s scary to have the visits so far apart because the relationship you build with your doctor gives a sense of security. With having a 2-year-old grandson Nita finds life to be better every day as he and her family is what she focuses on now. He adds additional purpose to her life and gives her a focus other than cancer. I was in awe of the tenacity and spirit of this 4-time survivor!! 

Nita McClure, 4-time cancer survivor

The guest speaker at the Rapid City event was Gary Larson. I was privileged to speak with Gary, who has a daughter that had brain cancer at 19. At that time she was given 2-3 years to live, then a couple years after her original diagnosis she was given a 3 to 5 survival rate and has defied the odds. She now is 31 years old. She has some issues because of the brain cancer but she is an amazing daughter who, like many survivors, struggles with anxiety and depression because of the fear of the return of cancer. She is now engaged and will be getting married next year. Gary helped start the event in Rapid City. His involvement has increased every year and I was so happy I was able to hear him share his families story. His father had said “why won’t the good Lord take old people like me and leave these young people alone (he said he was going to talk to God about that)”. Gary also had a sister that had breast cancer 11 years ago. I was so inspired by such a strong and loving father wanting to help as many people as he can fight against this disease.

Gary Larson, guest speaker and proud father

Jo (Josephine Cotton), one of the Team Leaders for the Rapid City event, started with Relay because her dad died in 1992 of prostate cancer at the age of 76. She continues Relay because of the people she has known over the years affected by cancer. Recently her aunt passed away from breast cancer. Her aunt was actually affected by cancer several times. She had breast cancer, got through that, and then she had bladder cancer and a tumor on her kidney. Her aunt died at 83 from cervical cancer. Sadly, her aunt thought she was having a backward menopause issue so she ignored the symptoms for a while. By the time her cancer was discovered it has spread too much. To hear that story all I could think was what a fighter!!!

Josephine Cotton signing the shirts to be given to ACS the walks are complete

Like so many others Jo and her team work tirelessly to raise money to fight this terrible disease.

Color by Numbers team

Christine Diers, Community Manager for several events including Rapid City’s Relay for Life, was very busy at the event as they were celebrating their 25th year anniversary.  She is a wonderful woman with a passion for relay! I only had a few minutes to chat with her; however she was on the news promoting the event for this year. Her passion for others and for Relay is quite evident in her interview. Below is the link:

http://www.kotatv.com/content/news/Participants-gear-up-for-Relay-for-Life--427080003.html

I really enjoyed this event and was inspired yet again by the people I met. Somehow I agreed to be interviewed by two reporters that Christine set up. If it helps promote relay and brings more awareness and inspiration to others about the strength and tenacity of people all over the country then I’m willing to talk about what I’m doing and why. But I am doing this state to state attendance because I want to show and share the stories of the people I’m lucky enough to spend a few hours with. The reporters, Taylar Perez of Black Hills Fox and Emily Olson of News Center 1, were professional and calming as I am NOT a good person to be in front of a camera.

http://www.blackhillsfox.com/content/news/Mom-on-a-Mission-walks-in-50-states-to-cure-cancer-427583813.html

http://www.newscenter1.tv/story/35646540/woman-on-a-mission-to-fight-cancer-stops-in-rapid-city