#I‘m in my early twenties and got half a panic attack the first time my late 30s coworker sent me a message that had … in it

[addicted-2-tea]

Inspiried by a discussion I had with a coworker:

[jbbuckybarnes]

List of Firsts

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader (2k) Description: You’re working on a movie project with Sebastian & Anthony in Atlanta and the topic of “Experiences in your late teens and early twenties” comes up. Warnings: anxiety, panic attack, not proofread A/N: I don’t write much RPF anymore, so I hope this doesn’t read too awkward.

Masterlist

You had been experiencing a lot of great things on set. Not only was this your first role you ever got, it was also a freaking side role in a few episodes of a Marvel series. With the potential to become something bigger. But that wasn‘t the main reason why it was great. You finally got the positivity you had been craving all your life. The man playing Bucky Barnes, Sebastian, had been an absolute delight to be around. Always joking, always listening and always getting way too deep and philosophical. Anthony had the joking part down and whenever you had a bad day on set you just stood around him to get some of that positivity. „So I gave her a piggyback ride so we could get out of there without her whining about her feet hurting.“ Seb talked about some party a couple years back with a big smile. „I‘ve never gotten a piggyback ride.“ You commented looking up at the sky. You two were on daybeds and had a break from filming. He looked at you with a frown, „Excuse me? You‘ve never had fun in your life?“ You chuckled, „I guess so.“ It kind of hurt to know that you didn‘t have the life you wanted until now. You barely had any friends and never really got out of the house. The last big memories you had made were 4 years ago. „You know, I just didn‘t do a lot of cool or random things until now. I was either the annoying girl or an outsider. And when that started to change my anxiety hit and I isolated myself. So I never really had late teens or early twenties to just have fun,“ you explained. „Gosh, sorry, that probably sounded really mean then.“ He frowned thinking about his comment. „It‘s alright. I‘m used to it.“ You mumbled. „Do you have a list, you know, of things that you haven‘t done and still want to do?“ He asked curiously. „Like a list of firsts? No. It would probably be super long, especially when you include a food section.“ You chuckled at the image of Spongebob‘s endless list in your mind. „Name one.“ „Gosh, I don‘t know, holding hands? Cooking with someone that‘s not family? Forehead kisses? Oh, I have a good one, water pistol fight.“ You giggled and saw him light up a bit. „And food?“ „Sushi, Poptarts, any Thai food pretty much, Tapas.“ You counted them off. „We‘re gonna have sushi for dinner then.“ He decided in disbelief and made you laugh. You knew he just wanted everyone to be happy around here. It showed in his little efforts to make you feel more comfortable.

___

„Here.“ He held out a water pistol to you the weekend after you had talked. „Wait, what?“ You looked up at him confused. „It‘s hot, we‘re in Atlanta and we happen to have an outdoor pool in this hotel, so I bought these.“ He shrugged as if it was nothing. „Seb, I‘m wearing white.“ Your right eyebrow shot up. A shrug came back again with a sly smile, „Shit happens.“ He ran towards the pool to fill up his water pistol, „No!“ You ran after him with yours and the fight had begun. A splash of water drenched your shirt, showing your black sports bra underneath. You retaliated and aimed at his chest while trying to get into a hiding spot. „Nice bra.“ He laughed like a little boy. „Nice abs, macho.“ You rolled your eyes aiming at him from your spot behind a pillar. His hair was hit and ruined with a celebratory laugh from you as he started charging for you, making you run with a giggle. The back of your shirt was hit too, as well as your hair. „Seb!“ you squeaked out and hid behind another pillar where a back and forth ensued. „You‘re an idiot.“ You laughed before he leapt forward and grabbed you to empty the rest of the water he had onto your head with a big pout from you. „Just because you‘re bigger than me.“ You crossed your arms as the water ran down your shoulders. „Poor baby.“ He cooed before unexpectedly getting the rest of your water straight into his face. „You play dirty, I see.“ He smirked mischievously with water droplets from his hair hitting your face that had a giant grin on it. You reached down to wring out your shirt, „Do you have anything to change into? My stuff is in the washing machine downstairs.“ „Uh, yeah.“ he mumbled before getting off his shirt and wringing it out too. Half an hour later you sat in the lobby with a big hoodie and a cup of tea. Even better, you sat there being held warm by a certain idiot.

___

„Hey, what‘s wrong, darling.“ He asked softly leaning forward to meet you at eye level. „Nothing, I‘m just having a headache and feel very dizzy. I‘ll survive it,“ you mumbled and cuddled deeper into the coat your character was usually wearing. „Already took a painkiller?“ His head dipped to the side and you nodded a little weak. „Sebastian, Y/N, next scene.“ An assistant knocked at the door. „Coming in a second,“ he answered. He held out both of his hands to help you up and saw you almost fall back again. „Oh, dear.“ He exhaled at your state of health. „Did someone stick a knife in my head?“ You asked defeated. „C‘mon, take my hand. You‘ll sit down in between takes and I‘ll stare down everybody that wants you to overwork yourself.“ He grabbed your hand softly and felt you squeeze it back for stabilization. The rest of the day was spent in front of the camera, on a chair with a water bottle or hanging onto him for dear life to not trip. „Thank you,“ you mumbled by the end of the day and had two giant hands on your head, slowly pushing down on pain points. „Hey, I know how fucking awful it is to work with a knife in your head.“ He chuckled. „You didn‘t have to do it though.“ You shrugged and relaxed a little at the pain points in your neck being released. „Okay, that might hurt a little more.“ He mumbled as he pushed the points connecting neck and shoulders. An uncomfortable whimper left you, „Ouch.“ „Sorry.“ He went over them softly and had you fall against his chest seconds later. „God, I feel so much better now.“ Your voice was muffled against his clothes and he gave you a full bear hug, side to side swaying and all. „Can I always have someone like you when I feel bad?“ You asked looking up with a tired smile and got a grin back.

___

„You two are cute, you know?“ Anthony commented as Sebastian looked over to you filming a scene alone. „What do you mean?“ A brow shot up as he looked to his friend. „Everyone‘s been saying that you both, uh, spent some time alone in your trailer last week after we wrapped.“ A cheeky grin came back. A frown built on his face, „Yeah, she had a headache and I just did that pain point thing my mom always did to me when I was younger.“ „Then why have you been holding hands that entire day?“ Now Anthony‘s brow shot up. „She was tripping all over the place because the headache made her dizzy. So I just helped her to not fall on her face all day.“ „Oh. So that‘s why she sat so much between takes.“ „Do you wanna tell me,“ His hand went over his face, „That people see me holding someone‘s hand and immediately assume I just-“ „I mean, it‘s not half bad. There are worse people to be your rumor girlfriend.“ His friend chuckled and stopped pretty fast at the concerned face. ���I just...She told me a bit about herself and how her life was before this and I‘m honestly just trying to make her days a little bit brighter. I don‘t wanna come off that way.“ „Hey, don‘t get in your head about it. She clearly enjoys being around you too.“ A smile. „I‘m not int-“ „Anthony!“ And he needed to film his next scene. You looked over to him in the chair as you talked to someone from the production for a while, but when you wanted to walk towards him he was gone. And he was for the rest of the day unless he needed to film. The same happened the next day and the day after. „Anthony?“ „Huh?“ „Is there something wrong with Sebastian?“ His face got worried, „Not that I know of, why?“ „I don‘t know. He just hasn‘t talked to me in a few days and I don‘t know why.“ You fidgeted with your hands. „I‘ll talk to him, alright?“ A nod and then you got back to work.

___

You got all internal about it. What did you do wrong? Did you say something hurtful? Did something bad happen in his life that he didn‘t want to share? Maybe you were just not a priority with all his friends around, you‘d understand that. But why was he in his trailer all the time then? You woke up the next day and had an anxious and sad feeling sticking to you the entire morning. You could handle certain uncertainties but not the ones that had to do with people around you. After a while you got ready for the day and went into hair and makeup. He was no different today. Well, a little different. He wasn‘t in his trailer the entire time anymore. Whenever you weren‘t needed you just cowered together in a chair or some other place. Your breathing got uneven, your thoughts started to spiral, heart rate picked up, palms got sweaty, your knees shaky. „Oh please no,“ you whispered to yourself. Anxiety attacks you could control, panic attacks only came when you were stressed out and without a trigger. You hectically looked up and looked around in your cotton-feeling world, when you saw him talk to one of his friends. You made a beeline for him with a deep frown in your face that he couldn‘t ignore and couldn‘t run from. Your head landed on his chest and with a whimper you got out, „Panic attack.“ You felt arms wrap around you softly and a thumb going through your hair. „I‘m here. Breathe slowly,“ he murmured in a soft voice. You followed the 5-6-7 rule for what felt like an hour, your knees feeling more and more like jello. He got down a little and picked you up, „Keep it up.“ He carried you away from all the noise and into a room drowning it all out. „You made me so worried,“ you whimpered, „What did I do?“ „I‘m sorry, you did nothing. I just...I guess I‘m just an idiot.“ „Yeah, but why?“ You looked up at him as he set you back down. „There was a rumor about...us. And I didn‘t want that to, you know, ruin anything.“ You dipped your head to the side, „I don‘t care about rumors.“ „Yeah, usually me neither, but I guess there was something to it when it comes to me.“ he shrugged. „Please never do that again. I thought I did something bad,“ you mumbled and felt his hands by your face again. „Promise.“ A kiss was placed on your forehead.

___

„So, uh,“ he stood there with a demeanor of a schoolboy on one of your location shooting days, „would you, after we filmed today, maybe, you know, grab something to eat with me?“ „Yeah, sure.“ You shrugged. „As...like a date.“ He added a little softer and scrunched up his face expecting a bad response. „Oh, uh,“ You could feel the heat rise up to your face, „Y-yeah. Sure.“ You saw triumph on his face and boxed him against the chest, „You said grab, not sitting in a loud restaurant.“ „Uuuh, you wanna cook with someone else for the first time?“ He wiggled his brows. „Someone that can‘t cook, may I add.“ You rolled your eyes with a smile. „Congratulations, you signed up for a whole series of firsts just with having me cook.“ He laughed before you were sent to do your job again. A job that went by way faster with something to look forward to.