#I’d rather be called slutty for stealing your man than

[idsb]

.

[cryptidsandcatacombs]

What If I Killed Someone For You

Rating: absolutely postively adult for violent yandere content. Anyone under the age of 18 better go away. No reading allowed for anyone under the age of 18. Plus there's like one adult joke in here so no one under the age of 18 allowed for that reason either.

Summary: This is literally fueled by my love of yandere content #nojudgingcringecultureisdeadandikilledit. Noe better watch himself because he's been my muse lately. Anyways uuuu idk yandere stuff here so you know someone's getting stabbed. We should probably do something about that, but we're not gonna. Thems the rules chief. No, you can't stop it either you total fucking killjoy. I'll start stealing toes if you do. What will I do with said toes? Black markets are a lucrative business and I need the money cause I'm broke fam. So really it's the economy's fault that I'm chopping toes. Say thanks late stage capitalism. This is brought to you by idk the monster under your bed who chops off the toes for me. He gets paid by the hour so try no to run too much ok.

Oh and this fic contains lyrics from If I killed someone for you by Alec Benjamin. Yes I'm inserting song lyrics into a fic like it's the early 2000s.

I'm packing up my things and I'm wiping down the walls I'm rinsing off my clothes and I'm walking through the halls I did it all for her So I felt nothing at all I don't know what she'll say So I'll ask her when she calls

Would you love me more? If I killed someone for you

Oz was considered by most a laid back sort of guy. Never angered easily. He can get frustrated like every other person, but not so easily angered.

However, despite his laid back nature, he had a vice. Jealousy. One that he was very self aware of. He often tried not to let it get the better of him, but there it was. A beast clad in green with eyes of emerald staring him directly in the fact tempting him with its siren song.

The siren song came in the form of Noe Archiviste and....whoever this girl was that was hanging all over Noe right now. She had a voice as sweet as molasses and brown curls that fell down her shoulders like waterfalls. She would run her hands over Noe and look at him with her doe eyes. She was a cute on overall. Couldn't blame Noe for taking interest if it was there.

He seemed to not the mind the attention he received from the lady...nor the frivolous compliments....nor the blatantly flirty way she seems to be touching him with every caress of his hands into hers and the way she wraps her arms around his neck.

Oz's eye twitched. Oz could have stuffed down all this rage and envy that suddenly sprouted from the ether, but jealousy was truly Oz's vice. One he wasn't planning to fix any time soon. He wanted to sit there and be happy for his dearest Noe. Stay to the sidelines and be happy for his good fortune for love is one of the greatest things you can find.

However, there was another urge. One just as strong.

"I want her to die," cried Oz's thoughts. "I want her gone. She can't take Noe away from me. She can't. I know him and I aren't together in a romantic sense, but...I don't want her taking away my chance either. She has to go"

"Now now Oz," said another voice in Oz's head, "You know that's wrong. You can't go around getting rid of anyone you see as a competition or obstacle towards someone you care about."

Oz was prone to scolding himself at times like these. He always held himself to high moral standards. Sometimes too high. To the point of self-loathing. Impressive if you ask the writer. Self awareness? Bitch please for shame. This isn't a call out post for myself. What is it you may ask? Hey, we're getting off topic you little trickster. You're supposed to be a reader. Not breaking the fourth wall.

"Yes yes I know I can't do that. I'm not going to. That still doesn't save me from any form of feral urge to wring her neck and ship her body down the river and hope and have her loved ones pray she can be identified by her dental records. Fuck does she even love him. What if she's out to hurt him or worse just wants him for his body? Look at him! He's gorgeous. Who can blame her? What if she doesn't love him like I do," said Oz's internal thoughts.

"Oz you're being dumb. She might love him unconditionally too and he deserves that for himself," Oz argued internally with himself back.

"I know I know, but I'm just saying what if. I just don't like the idea of him getting hurt nor the idea of her taking him away from me. I'm entitled to that feeling aren't I," Oz continued to debate with his voice of reason.

"Fair, but lets just wait and see. He's a big boy and can handle himself," Oz's voice of reason stated.

"Yeah a big boy in more ways than one I bet," said the third internal Oz voice of being horny and all around slutty that constantly lives there.

"This is getting us nowhere," Oz himself decided to just cut the internal argument off before it turns into a blood match to the death. This was disturbing his routine of stalking Noe for ...research purposes.

Oz looked over to now see them sitting down at the nearby cafe. They were seated across from each other. Oz noted Noe might be enjoying his usual coffee or tea. He liked it extra sweet either way. The man has one hell of a sweet tooth.

"Yeah I bet that brown haired hussie doesn't know that, but I do," Oz thought to himself smugly.

Oz looked back at Noe's companion to see her touching his arm and doing the egregious crime of looking into his magnificent purple eyes. Wait....was she now touching his face?

"You lucky bitch," Oz thought to himself this time with anger brows drawn on the words for dramatic emphasis.

Oz ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Damn it! How long is this date going to last? I hope it stops before I puke up a lung," Oz thought to himself this time internally rolling in pain.

Hours passed and Oz with surprising tenacity had stayed there all day following Noe around with the clever disguise of wearing a hat and ya know some shabby clothes. Truly no way he could be recognized. Yep, he's got it all figured out.

Oz decided to follow them home from a fair distance. Oz looked up to see the sunset. It was starting to get dark and Oz hated the dark, but he hated certain people who might harm those he loves even more. A little nyctophobia isn't gonna hurt.

Oz followed quietly until he noticed they stopped in front of a flat. It was her flat. Noe escorted her to the door like the gentleman he is and waved her good night. Oz had found a nice dark alleyway to hide in so he wouldn't be spotted.

Noe headed towards Oz's direction which caused Oz to hide deeper into the darkness. Oz bit his lip from the anxiety of being found and having some explaining to do. Like who was he kidding? This disguise was paper thin!

Noe looked like he was passing by Oz, then stopped. Oz froze. Oh god had he spotted him?

Before Oz could register what happened next, Noe had gone in a flash. Oz knew he was fast, but he couldn't see where he went.

It was then a grunt and the sound of what seemed to be something getting bashed against the wall behind Oz. Oz slowly turned to find Noe whose hand was pressing something against the wall.

It was then he grabbed whatever he was holding and slammed it again. Oz stared into the darkness to see his eyes glowing red to match the blood on his gloves.

After another slam, the clear sound of bone cracking from the impact could be heard. Noe dropped, what Oz could assume, the now lifeless body of the person he just killed.

Noe turned to see Oz and Oz froze. "Ok ok maybe he doesn't know it's you," Oz thought to himself. "Oh I know."

"Aye top of the morning to you," Oz did in his best Irish accent that he could muster.

Noe leaned down and inspected Oz. Oz could only look at Noe confused as Noe lifted Oz's arms and looked over Oz's face and the rest of his person.

Noe then gave a sigh of relief. "Good, I was afraid he had hurt you Oz," Noe said putting a hand on Oz's shoulder.

"Wait, you knew it was me," Oz said face turning hot.

"I mean, I'd recognize you from anywhere. You're not hard to miss," Noe pointed out.

"Oh uuu so what happened exactly," Oz asked now curious about the now lifeless elephant in the room.

Oz went to look at the supposed body only for Noe to yank him back and shook his head no.

"You're squeamish," Noe said taking his bloody glove off, putting his now bare hand on Oz's face,"I wouldn't look."

Oz shuddered taking Noe's advice.

"The man had been following you. I know of him. That vampire right there would have killed you where you stood if I hadn't done something," Noe said honestly.

Oz batted his lashes in shock taken aback. "I...almost died," Oz asked.

Noe nodded. "Fortunately, he doesn't kill in broad daylight, so I had to wait til night. I had just noticed him following you today. I don't know how long he's been doing it for, but if I had noticed earlier, he would have been dead on the first day," Noe nearly growled out. "I'd rather not have killed him in broad daylight either,ut if I had to, I would have," Noe wanted to point out. "If he had attacked you, I absolutely would have."(edited)

Oz turned pale. "W-wait, when did you notice I was...," Oz said not knowing how to word his next question.

"Following me," Noe asked for him, "Since I left the house. You're not exactly subtle."

Oz blushed. "Oh uh sorry I was just curious as to what your daily routine was like and then I noticed you had a female companion, so I was trying to see if you were safe," Oz said nervously.

"Her? She was lonely and needed company, so I obliged. She's a bit friendly, but so am I," Noe pointed out.

"So are you...interested in her? Dating her even," Oz asked getting to the point.

Noe shook his head. "Not in the slightest," Noe said heading towards the body making effort to cover it up. "I'll dispose of the body in a minute. Let's take the back ways so I'm not caught soaked in blood. I need to get you home," Noe said quickly leading him back.

"Wait what if someone finds it," Oz asked fearfully.

"This will be quick," Noe said picking up Oz and speeding off.

Oz could often forget how fast this unstoppable force of a man was.

A few minutes later, Oz was back on his doorstep. Oz rubbed the back of his neck looking towards Noe wondering what Noe was going to do now.

"Now, go inside and don't come check on me. I don't want to have to hide more bodies this evening should more make the fatal mistake of coming after you," Noe said waiting til Oz got to his door.

"Ok ok," Oz said opening his door.

Oz waved Noe off as he sped away to do the dirty work.

Later that night, Oz flopped over into the bed still registering the fact he just saw Noe Archiviste straight up body a man. The sweet, gentle lamb of a man just increased the body count this evening. The man was now a statistic in vampire based deaths. Truly mystifying.

Oz wanted to stay up and see if Noe was going to be ok. However, sleep took Oz before Oz could make any quick decisions. It had been a long day.

As Oz slept, Noe crept in with any blood soaked clothes supposedly disposed of. Noe bent down and ran his fingers through Oz's hair.

Noe's fingers drifted to Oz's pulse on his neck. Long has Noe fantasized about marking Oz's neck. The thought made him shiver, but he couldn't. He couldn't bare to do it with him possibly not consent as marking someone like that is a big deal.

Noe pressed a little more of the pulse of Oz's neck. The beat made Noe's heart race and what Noe could swear was drool. To be so intimate with Oz to the point he trusts Noe to drink his blood. It was enough to make him shiver.

Noe shook himself from these thoughts. He couldn't give in. Not without Oz's permission.

Noe got up quietly and shut Oz's door bedroom door behind him as he left. He couldn't bare to kiss Oz's face good night as he was afraid it would trigger something in him.

Noe fled out the door into the dead of night towards his place. He wouldn't let any harm come to Oz. Even if that danger was himself.

[imagine-loki]

The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Title : The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Chapter NO. 5 of 10?

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki’s Asgardian wife learns women write fanfiction about him on a trip to Midgard. She’s edgy for the duration and lets him have it when they get back.

Author: lokilover9

Rating: M

Thor agreed Brianna going to Asgard a good idea as Loki presumed and shielded her from Heimdall's sight as a precautionary measure. Before leaving, the brother's sat observing Little Warrior lead Tony and Pepper to the couch and hand him a usb stick.

"What's this?" He asked.

"A computer virus. My revenge plan was to disembowel Jarvis if you hadn't kept your promise."

Stark eyed Loki who shrugged a shoulder. "Don't look at me. I only learned of it this morning."

"It's my creation, pretty nasty and should be destroyed." Said Brianna.

"How nasty?"

"It bears the potential to wipe out most of New York's power grids."

Tony was momentarily speechless. "I'll do that and am overjoyed you two became friends."

"Me too and sorry for being so rude when you touched my stuff."

"It's alright." Said Pepper.

"No it wasn't. You deserve to know why. Loki mentioned the homeless people right?"

"Yes."

"Dory was the first one I met. Taught me handy street smarts and helped shop for my boy clothes. Ran away from home because her moms boyfriend was a jerk. I encouraged her to call one day and when she learned they split up, convinced her to go home. Really smart person. Dreams of becoming an Astronaut. Anyway, she had a big crush on Captain America and gave me her favorite hat as a gift. Then I met Muriel. A mean looking older lady who was actually super sweet and protected me something fierce. Beat this guy up one night for trying to steal my blanket while cursing him sideways. She loved Chinese food and taught me self defence techniques, like how to poke a hole in someone's brain by shoving a chopstick up their nose."

Everyone's ears and attention piqued as Tony wondered if Muriel was a distant cousin of Sasquatch's. "Hopefully not on live subjects."

"No, silly. On a plastic skull she molded a face onto with clay. I paid for the supplies. Helping police identify people used to be her job in Arizona. Great way to kill zombies though. Best to behead them like with vampires and guarantee they've bit the bullet." Brianna then pulled a gold bracelet with a four leaf clover charm from her pocket. "Muriel was Irish and gave me this for good luck. It's too big so I carry it in my pocket. Before meeting you guys, they were the first people who were super nice to me. I fretted their gifts ruined in the wash."

"I'm sorry." Said Pepper.

"It's okay. I was just a little freaked."

'And nearly built a cave for the abominable snowman.' Thought Stark. "We were more worried about you after the fact."

"I could tell by your happy dance when I woke."

"Hey, badass did one too. In the hall. You didn't see."

Brianna giggled. "Thanks to you both for everything and I'm sorry for lying."

"Meh, we understand."

"I meant about not having a favorite Avenger. It's you uncle Cootyoodles. That's why I sought your help first. The Black Widow was my next stop."

Tony pictured Nat teaching her how to yank teeth out with pliers and felt twice as relieved for keeping that promise. "Nat's eccentric and hates zombies. I'm way more fun." Brianna suddenly hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. "Awe, Little Warrior. Friends forever?"

"Damn straight!" Then she did the same to Pepper. "I forgot to explain why you're a badass role model. Working so hard to become CEO of a massive company like Stark Industries and executing all that embodies? You rock! I hope to grow up as astute, diligent and athoritative. Maybe I'll run a company one day."

"You already possess those traits and will exceed my achievements."

No one knew that better than Loki who cleared his throat. "Grandmother and Grandfather go to bed early, Min Lille."

"One more minute, please?"

"Alright."

She studied Stark, pondering the best way to implement her request. "You don't have to do this, but… Not all homeless people are bad or crazy like others seem to believe. Many hit hard times and the world is so expensive, they couldn't keep up. No one I met lived on the streets because they wanted to. There just aren't enough shelters or resources available. You're rich Tony and could help them. Will you try?"

As Loki had succeeded with Frigga, those beautiful pleading eyes won her case. "You really know how to pull a guys heart strings, kid. I promise."

Loki wasn't aware she'd intended to ask this, yet was so proud of her. "Min Lille?"

"I know." She politely replied.

"You have to go." Tony suddenly stood and darted for the hall. "Be back in a jiffy."

"Meet him by the elevator, or you'll never leave." Suggested Pepper.

He returned and handed Loki a loaded Iron Man backpack. "More things? Shall I conjure a crate for the bifrost?"

They'd already given her an overstuffed suitcase of clothes and toys and Stark held a gift bag in hand. "Be quiet, you. It's a peanut butter stash. Does Asgard have bananas?"

"Yes." 'Thank the Norn's.'

Tony knelt before Brianna. "I would've packed some tater tots, but you ate them all again."

She smirked. "My goof."

"Rascal. Try to ignore a wee, bitty smidgen, you aren't into girly stuff? We couldn't help ourselves with you off to Asgard."

Brianna pulled from the bag a pink baseball cap that said Warrior Princess in tiny diamond gems and proudly adorned it. "You sure know how to pull a girls heart strings."

"I put some Motown CD's in there too. Teach Dad to moonwalk." Loki sighed, pushed the elevator button and Tony playfully whispered. "From a distance. In case he trips over his own big feet." He hugged her again and summoned Jarvis.

"Yes, sir?"

"Our friend is leaving."

"Goodbye, Little Warrior." Said the AI.

"Bye. Sending you a virtual hug."

She joined Thor inside while Loki shook hands with Tony, his expression saying everything. "Any time. Now get the 'bleep' out of my Tower before I thieve your Daughter."

Brianna shouted as it closed. "There's presents on your bed! I'll miss you!"

Peppers was a black t shirt with gold letters that read Badass Role Model and Tony's was a monsterous box filled with tater tots.

"Don't do it, Butch. If you cry, I'm gonna cry." ***** Loki had purposely slowed the elevator allowing her time to give Thor a drawing.

"Mjolnir in a field of flowers? Thank you fair maiden."

"It's a scratch n' sniff."

"A what?"

Loki picked up Brianna. "You scratch the flowers, then sniff them. The effect is most appealing the stronger you inhale."

Thor took a whiff and wriggled his nose. "Quite the nostril tickler. What should they smell like?"

"Try harder." 'Doofus.'

He took another, looked cross eyed at Loki and began swaying. "...Brother..you…" Then down he went striking the floor with a thud the tip of his nose covered in sparkly dust.

"Sorry, uncle Thor."

Loki chuckled at her wince. "The spell is mild and shall soon wear off."

"Is he hurt?"

Loki let her down to hurle the hefty Thor over his shoulder. "Us God's are resilient. Your uncle once endured a skirmish with the Hulk." After escorting them through a portal and delivering Brother oaf to his bed, he lead Brianna through a second into some woods.

"That was awesome! Will you teach me how to do it?"

"Not in the near future. It's very complicated, darling and I'd hate to think you lost in another dimension." 'Or vanishing one day as an angry teen with a troublesome suitor I dream of throttling.'

"Okay." Brianna nervously scanned the area. "Now what? Carnivores hunt these woods."

"Northern Alberta is home to many. Never go outside without me and none will harm you."

"But wolves hunt in packs and grizzlies are bigger than you."

He booped her little nose. "I'll smell them before they smell us and neither possess deadly weapons in interdimensional pockets."

"Where our luggage is? I tried hiding bigger items in them and the darn things wouldn't come back. Hannah was furious, but I didn't care."

"What did you hide?"

"The back wheels of her Lamborghini, Gallardo. I overheard my Mother tell Claudia she got it from her rich boyfriend."

Loki recalled from spending time with Stark this wasn't a billionaire's vehicle, yet financially unattainable to the average Midgardian. "I see. Did she mention his occupation?"

"Plastic surgeon."

Brianna deserved that minor victory and although he wouldn't encourage it, one cannot preach vengeance a negative path when mapping their own. 'Perhaps he'll be useful to the sluts after I'm done.' "Ah. Care to see what I did while you slept last night?"

"You left me?" She confusedly asked.

He picked her up again. "It was necessary and I returned, yes? I won't abandon you, Og Min Lille."

"Never?"

"Never, darling. "Loki headed for a shack nearby nestled amidst some bushes. With its crooked roof, faded wood and door minus a hinge the structure looked ready to collapse.

"We're staying there?"

"Why not? I'll conjure an outdoor toilet." He teased. "Sheltered of course."

"Ewww."

"Come now. At night we'll have heated beds and during the day, roast squirrels on an open fire."

She scrunched her face in disgust. "Blech! I'd rather eat tree bark."

"You'll get an awful tummy ache."

They entered the dingy space and Brianna instantly focused on the filthy floor covered in forest debris. So intently, she didn't notice the sturdier frames of the structure only visible from within. "How will we keep the door closed and is that poop?"

Loki rolled his eyes at some turds in a corner. "The cabin is made of Brazilian Ebony."

"One of the strongest woods on earth." She commented.

He arched an intrugued brow. "Stained to appear aged, it's also bulletproof in light of human hunters. Consider the other materials deceiving movie props. The 'raccoon' poop is genuine." It vanished with a wave of his hand. "Now, did you mean that door?" It closed and he conjured a deadbolt onto the surface with a panel directly above. "Place your hand in the center?" Brianna did and it glowed green, spreading magic from the center throughout every surface like glowing, emerald fireflies. As they dimmed, Loki turned around. "Or this one?" The floor, suddenly cleared of debris had a sliding glass door in the center.

Brianna gasped in wonder, glancing between him and the mystery beneath. "Where does it go?"

"Did you think a sorcerer Prince would allow his Princess daughter to dwell in a shabby old shack?"

"Ancestry aside, I sincerely hoped not. Even an RV would've been better."

He chuckled at her frankness. "And you worried of uncle Thor bumping his head? The shacks purpose was added safety should a need arise and to keep our secret entrance hidden. "Once the outer door locks, only the interior alters. To outsiders, nothing changes." It opened and he carried her down a mutedly lit spiral staircase, each step progressively illuminating the space below.

At the bottom, she slid from his arm in awe. "Shut the front door! You 'definitely' have to teach me how to do this."

Min Lille was referencing conjuring. Another ability Loki thanked the Norns she didn't yet possess, having confessed so before requesting Tony and Pepper's gifts. "In time. Beyond that archway, another surprise awaits." Loki followed and suddenly pondered Brianna conjuring a future dwelling for herself and that troublesome suitor. 'Lessons commence when your forty.' ***** Thor woke to find two notes in his shirt pocket. One for himself the other, Astrid; 'Sleep well, Brother? We won't be returning to Asgard just yet. Please give this to my wife? I recommend waiting several days, discreet delivery and a hasty exit. A visit will follow and when interrogated, lie. Tell her Brianna came to you and don't mention her ice concoction. Unless you enjoy Father's company when several fries short of a happy meal. As I planned our escape without Tony's knowledge, do avoid his unnecessary panic and Pepper seeking our demise, by not telling our dear friend? Min Lille is safe.'

"That shyster." He grumbled. Jane returned in six days as would Astrid to a missing Loki. Waiting risked a molotov cocktail interrogation. His beloved and coronary inducing sister-in-law, banging down their locked bathroom door while the mighty Thor coward behind a shower curtain. Plus Maxi Waxis training schedule ended in two days. Bribery assured those lips zippered, but Heimdall would think his hastiness suspicious. He called to the trainee in the middle of the night, snuck into the palace and raced back to the observatory like the looney tunes road runner. "Spend it well nincompoo..eh he, Max. Asgard is lucky to have you."

Guilt ridden over her outburst and already missing Loki, Astrid returned in the morning to find the note.

Frigga was preparing to join her belly dancing instructor when she barged into the foyer and flung herself at the Allmother.

"Bwaaahahaa! I want a divorce!"

"Hells bells and bilgesnipe testicles. What has my shameless son done this time?"

"Frigga, your language." Scolded Odin.

She patted Astrid's back. "Oh shush. As if your cursing hasn't scarred the servants ears."

[trickormemes]

Crazy Rich Asians sentence starters

62 starters feel free to change gender pronouns

“If you didn’t make us walk, we wouldn’t be soaked.”

“You can explore Hell, you dog turd.”

“Our brains so hate the idea of losing something that’s valuable to us that we abandon all rational thought, and we make some really poor decisions.”

“You know what? You can order your own.”

“The universe has spoken. It wants you over there.”

“Does something have to be wrong for me to call?”

“What was that look? I saw that.”

“These pajamas are fancier than any of my real clothes.”

“So your family is, like, rich?”

“I just think it’s kind of weird that I had no idea.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“I don’t know why you bother trying to hide your shopping from me. You can buy whatever you want.”

“Stay in bed.”

“How can I resist? You put those glasses on on purpose.”

“You’re such a sweet-talker.”

“Make sure you eat it all. ‘Cause I’m watching you.”

“Tonight, you need to not look like Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. You know, the little crab guy.”

“Wow… I think I’ve just fallen in love with you all over again.”

“Yeah, I’ll fucking come to dinner!”

“You have a cocktail dress in you trunk?”

“I’m not an animal, _____.”

“You know, when you said you grew up in your grandma’s house, I didn’t expect this.”

“Can I punch him in the face? Just once.”

“You’ve been away too long.”

“We love any excuse to throw a soiree.”

“Never could get anything past you, could I?”

“You know, I thought I would like that more than I did.”

“Is it just me or are people, like, staring at me?”

“This is for you, asshole.”

“You don’t have to keep _____ happy. She’s just lucky to be here.”

“No one loves free stuff more than rich people.”

“You know, if it wasn’t for _____, I’d ask you to marry me.”

“_____, I’ve known you since you were in nappies. Something’s on your mind.”

“I’m not gonna make a scene. I’m not gonna give them the satisfaction.”

“Why would _____ even have friends like that? So mean.”

“I thought I was here to meet your family, go to your best friend’s wedding, eat some good food. Instead, I feel like I’m a villain in some soap opera who’s plotting to steal your family fortune.”

“You have every reason to be upset.”

“You will never be enough.”

“She looked at me like I was nothing.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t even go to the wedding.”

“And I would throw in a Korean snail face mask. Sweetie, your skin is so dry, it’s hurting my face.”

“You look like a flower. A sad, lonely flower no one wants to be around.”

“You kind of look like a slutty ebola virus.”

“I know you’re having an affair.”

“You’d rather I scream and carry on?”

“Don’t try and turn this on me. I’m not the one who screwed up!”

“I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having nothing I do matter.”

“Family never says thank you.”

“I don’t want any part in your family.”

“Don’t chase after her and degrade yourself. I forbid it.”

“If you go with her, you can’t come back!”

“_____. Come to breakfast. You need to eat. Or use the bathroom, or maybe a shower. It’s there if you need it.”

“I mean, did you ever think about… trying to talk to him? Do you still think about him?”

“Everything that happened in my past life is the reason I got you.”

“I really thought he was the one.”

“You know it’s not just my fault that things didn’t work out.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have kept things from you.”

“But I just realized, it’s not my job to make you feel like a man. I can’t make you something you’re not.”

“You have no one, no net worth, but you have integrity. That’s why I respect you.”

“God, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“I always imagined what me proposing to you would be like. You know what? I had it all planned out.”

“I know this is a far throw from any hidden paradise. But wherever you are in the world, that’s where I belong.”

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 3

Chris

Propping my left elbow against the arm rest of the door, I yawned and ran a hand over my face. I’d had the longest day and I was truly tempted to pull the truck to the side of the road and allow sleep to cradle me like a baby. However, I’d rather not risk the threat of having a cop mistake me for some type of criminal just for sleeping publicly in my car, so I decided to just wait until I reached my destination.

I’d had a nice long discussion with my coach yesterday right after practice and though the decision had been made long ago and I knew I wouldn’t be sticking around to deal with Trent’s annoying ass any longer, I filled coach in on his obnoxious nightly habits anyway. It was nearly a full twenty-four hours ago that I’d spoken to coach and now… now I’ve finally arrived at my new dorm and I really couldn’t have been any more eager take my ass to sleep. With one final yawn, I shut off the truck and pushed the door open, stepping foot onto a definite territory that I was more than willing to get used to. As I’d been instructed by the letter I’d received back at Syracuse, I headed up to the dorm’s main entrance and made my way to the front desk that I spotted the moment I pulled one of the double glass doors open.

“Hi, welcome to Rooker Hall. My name is Shelly, is there anything I can do for you, uh…”

“Chris,” I said, smirking politely as the girl, Shelly, grinned at me… chick must really enjoy her job, “Christopher…”

“Brown, right?” She asked, beaming even brighter than she’d been only seconds ago, which I didn’t even believe to be possible. I nodded and raised a brow skeptically… I mean, how else was I supposed to react to this girl just blurting my last name out like she knew me personally?

“I’ve heard a lot about you… from the other players and the coaches who come through here sometimes.”

Nodding slowly, I gazed off to the side and wondered when exactly would she just give me directions to my room so I could take my ass there and get out of her weird presence. Shit got a bit awkward after a few seconds of her just standing there, smiling at me… with this peculiar twinkle in her eyes. Not to say I had anything against her obvious Anglo Saxon race, but um… the staring contest she was tryna engage in just wasn’t something I was interested in.

“Can I uh… can I get directions to my room? I asked.

“Oh, your roommate should actually be down to greet you momentarily. You can just have a seat right over there if you wanna wait for him.” She said, pointing over at the lounge area… that happened to be at the perfect angle from where she sat behind the front desk. I did not want to risk sitting there while she stared at me, creepily, so I let her know that she could just send ole dude out to my truck just outside the front door.

I sat out in my truck for only about five minutes before glancing up from my phone and spotting a slim guy about the same height as me heading in my direction. He threw a hand up at me and I decided then to go ahead and exit the truck so I could address the nigga.

“Chris, right?” He asked, stepping off the curb and stopping a few feet away from me.

“Yeah man. You my roommate?” He nodded and smiled then stuck a hand out for me to shake.

“Yep, I’m Benny. I’ve heard a lot about you man… we all have. You came from Syracuse right?”

I smirked and lowered my gaze to the ground, wondering how these people just seemed to magically know all about me “Yeah, I was out there for a three-month training camp.”

“Cool, cool… I guess that means we really will have the number one team in the nation this year… got dudes coming all the way from Syracuse to play for the Bulldogs.”

We both chuckled and I dapped him, shaking my head at his humor… I could already tell this nigga was about to be a hell of a lot better than Trent’s whack ass.

 Hope

Destani and I had only been at the school for about a week now and I guess it was safe to say I’d gained a greater level of comfort with the campus itself… it was just the people that crowded the campus that were becoming a huge hindrance for me. I’d found myself becoming greatly acquainted with the four walls of our dorm room. Everything on the outside of this space just seemed to be such a temptation for me and Lord knows I couldn’t afford to risk allowing my eyes to roam for even an instant. I’d even started to feel an ounce of regret for coming to the school in the first place… if I wasn’t mistaken, nearly every guy I’d laid eyes on thus far was way too easy on the eyes.

As for Destani and Taylor, they’d talked practically every day since the first day they met. He ended up making his way back to our room the same day we met after having her call him up to let him know that she was indeed holding up her half of their deal to tour the campus. I was more than relieved when he knocked on our door, in his lonesome… without Benny. Being anywhere close to that boy and his intensely captivating eyes was entirely too much of a temptation that I just couldn’t risk dealing with. Any guy who could leave a female speechless with only one look screamed trouble to me and for that I would definitely keep my distance from him… as much as humanly possible.

I hadn’t spoken to Chris in a few days and though I’d been worrying my head off, I decided not to do the most and blow his phone up like some type of stalker. I didn’t want to become that crazed and annoying girlfriend who had to know precisely where her boyfriend was at all times. I figured with the amount of time that Chris and I spent on the phone throughout the day, it was probably a good idea to give each other a bit of space. But if I didn’t hear from him some time soon, I knew I would be the first to crack and call him… he had no idea, but I’d become pretty dependent on hearing his voice at least once a day.

To make matters worse for me, Taylor had apparently told Destani about some type of gathering later tonight, specifically put together to welcome the new undergraduates to the campus and give us an opportunity to meet a few of our fellow freshman class. My initial response when asked if I wanted to go to the event was a distinct no… if I didn’t want to jeopardize exiting this room just to go outside for fresh air, what would make Destani think I would want to go to some party? She refused to hear it, of course, and before I had time to fully register her antics, I found myself slipping into a pair of ripped dark denim jeans, a white quarter length sleeve crop top, and a pair of black and white converse. I’d recently spent almost an entire day straightening my curly tresses, so I wore it in a middle part and bone straight with it falling down nearly to the top of my butt.

The amount of people crowded into the Tate Student Center was much more than I was willing to handle… there were bodies covering every inch of wall space in the building. From the parking lot to the front atrium, tons of people loitered the pavement, mingling and dancing to the bass of the music blasting through the speaks that lined not only the inside of the building, but the outside as well. I couldn’t help but feel a slight rush from the scene… it was all very new to me and as much as I grumbled just hours ago back in our room, I had to say I was quite content with my decision to come out tonight.

“Well, this is it Sy,” Destani said, snapping me from my thoughts and seizing my attention, “We have arrived at this nigga convention and I expect to walk outta here with two of these beautiful motherfuckers… both for me of course.” She tossed me a slutty little wink and I rolled my eyes and scoffed at her words. She was a complete fool if she actually thought we would be leaving this party tonight and going back to our dorm with some random guys she picked up. I walked alongside her, watching as she warily smoothed her freshly manicured hands down the front of her snug fitting t-shirt dress and rubbed her lips together, making sure her sugar maple lipgloss was evenly distributed over her lips.

“Dez, you’re fine.” I assured her, suddenly becoming all too annoyed with her over scrutiny of herself.

“Oh, this I know young grasshopper… this I know.” I shook my head and snickered at her… I could see that evidently if I was gonna stick with her throughout the entire party, I was gonna have the longest night. As we neared the building, I could see a beaming Taylor approaching us unexpectedly.

“Well look at you two… walking up in this bitch, stealing the show ‘n shit.” He licked his lips and reversed his stare from Destani’s legs, to my own then lastly up to my face “What’s good Sy’Diyah?”

I threw a tight-lipped smile his way and shook my head, mumbling a small “Nothing much” before turning my attention elsewhere.

“Yo, I’m glad ya’ll came through though. Ya’ll can dance, right?” He asked, rubbing his hands together and eyeing us both closely as we marched toward the front entrance.

Destani halted in her tracks, raising a questioning brow at him “Does it look like we can dance?”

Taylor chuckled, lifting his hands to yield to her question “Hey, I was just asking.”

“And I was just telling, boo.” She replied, whipping back around to continue her hip switching strut through one of the open doors. With one last roll of my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest and stepped in behind her, followed by Taylor, who I could only hope kept his gaze from wandering.

 --

The wall became a safe haven for me and the small amount of floor space about three steps in front of me became center stage for Destani’s dancing body. She made it a point to hold eye contact with Taylor, who’d gone over to stand near who I guessed to be a few of his friends to wait for Benny’s arrival. I could see that he was smirking lustfully at her, nibbling into his bottom lip as he bobbed his head to the beat of the music. He tore his attention away from Destani for only about a second to look over at the open glass doors adjacent to us. I too turned my head to face the door, curious to know what’d abruptly caught his attention. My traveling orbs landed on a head of curly hair followed by a caramel colored face, a set of glimmering dark brown eyes, and a pair of plump smiling lips.

I told myself that I would never set eyes on this boy again, yet there I stood… gawking at him like a young groupie to a celebrity. I eyed him closely as he walked past clusters of people, smiling at some and stopping for mere seconds to dap a few. My visual excursion didn’t end there though… I noticed that the noise level increased almost immediately and if I heard correctly, the females surrounding Benny were primarily accountable for the commotion. Several of them squealed excitedly by his presence… or perhaps by the additional body that floated smoothly right behind him. I couldn’t get a clear view of the face, but his height, complexion, and entire swagger seemed oddly familiar to me.

“Damn, who is that? Stepping through here like the fucking president or something.” Destani exclaimed, stepping back to stand beside me. She gripped onto my wrist and rolled onto the tips of her toes, lifting her gaze as high as she could over the crowd to get a clear visual of the unknown figure walking with Benny.

“I can’t even see who the hell it is. All these bitches flocking to the nigga… can’t see shit!” She fussed as she let go of my wrist and flattened her red converse down on the floor. Because I had no clue who this person was and I apparently wasn’t going to be looking them in the face any time soon, I turned my head in the opposite direction, quickly losing interest in what every other girl in the room seemed to be freaking out over.

Minutes passed before several of the people, or females shall I say, returned to their normal routines of dancing. I scanned the crowd once, suddenly regretting even agreeing to waste my time and energy coming here. With a sigh, I turned to face Destani, parting my lips to tell her I’d made up my mind that I wanted to leave with or without her. I found myself looking at Taylor instead and I sighed once more, just as Benny made his appearance right behind him. I smiled cordially at him when I caught his gaze, acknowledging the fact that I had indeed noticed him standing there and I hoped that he wouldn’t make it a point to approach me… like he unfortunately was now.

“’Sup Sy’Diyah?” He asked, catching me off guard with his abrupt proximity.

“Oh, um… nothing.” I mumbled fretfully… his fragrance was more intoxicating than I anticipated and it was becoming entirely too difficult for me to focus on anything other than those hypnotizing brown eyes.

He smirked and glanced over at Destani, offering her a friendly salutation “What’s going on Destani?”

“Nothing much.” She furrowed her brows and twisted her lips to one side, staring off past Benny with a curious expression “Hey Benny, lemme ask you something.”

“What’s up?” He asked as he stepped closer to her to hear her over the blaring music.

“Who was that guy you walked in here with?” He grinned like a proud father as he quickly glanced back at the anonymous guy now standing a few feet away from us with his back turned in our direction, dapping up and greeting a few random guys “Oh, that’s my roommate. He just got in earlier this afternoon.”

He turned promptly to face his new roommate, yelling a few incoherent words to get his attention. I stared at the back of the roommate’s head as he turned to acknowledge Benny and nearly choked on my next breath, reaching desperately for Destani’s arm and gripping it tight because surely I had to be seeing a ghost…

 Chris

My stare settled on her rather than Benny, who stood there looking from her to me and back again. She looked… so… fucking… sexy just standing there, staring back at me with one hand gripping Destani’s arm and the other pressed against the wall behind her. I smirked at the expression on her face… it really looked like she’d just seen a ghost. The thought of my presence rendering her speechless had me feeling like I was on top of the world and I couldn’t help but feel even more thankful for the fact that I’d approached her with her back pressed against a wall rather than some nigga.

“Sy’Diyah, this is my roommate Chris. Chris, this is… a new friend of mine Sy’Diyah.” I cut my eyes at Benny and I had to stop myself from blurting out a ‘what the fuck’ after his weak ass introduction to my damn girlfriend. The whole ‘new friend of mine’ bullshit was what threw me off and I knew that would be means for a nice lil conversation with Hope later. But for now, my main goal was to snap her out of her daze and get my hands around her tiny little waist for the first time in months.

“Chris,” Quickly shifting my gaze to the right, I instantly caught the green-eyed gaze of a bewildered Destani, who I thought was gonna hit me by the look on her face “Nigga, what the fuck are you doing here?”

I smirked and licked my lips from habit, chuckling as I listened to her loud ass speaking clearly over the bass of the music “What it look like Dez? I drove all the damn way from Syracuse to come chill at this party.”

She raised a hand and swiftly stuck her middle finger up at me, rolling her eyes as she swung her head followed by a mass of curls to face some dark-skinned nigga standing beside her.

“Oh, ya’ll already know each other?” Benny asked, obviously oblivious to my relation to both Hope and Destani.

“Yeah man, she’s like one of my best friends since childhood,” I explained, pointing a finger over at Dez “And this… this is my girl.”

His head snapped back with surprise, but he quickly composed himself and smiled awkwardly “Oh… damn man. I ain’t know… I’m sorry.” “Nah,” I slipped into place at Hope’s side and curled one hand eagerly around her waist, “It’s cool man. You straight.”

He gave a quick nod and stepped back away from us before finally turning and straying off into the crowd, but not before staring at Hope for a few seconds too long.

I watched him closely as he walked off, wondering what his deal was because something was definitely off with the way he looked at her. Ignoring my thoughts, I lowered my gaze to the stunning beauty on my arm, only to find her already peering up at me with her mouth hanging open and her eyes unblinking. I smirked at her, leaning down to close the space between my face and hers by placing my lips beside her ear so I could finally speak to her.

“What’s wrong?” Standing back up at a slouched height, I eyed her as she finally pressed her lips together and blinked a few times. She still wasn’t speaking and though I was fully enjoying watching her stand there in all her radiating beauty, I was ready to hear that voice that’d been keeping me focused and sane for nearly four months.

“Why you acting so scared to speak love? I’m not gone bite.” I joked, discreetly running the tips of my fingers up along her exposed side. I could feel her body shudder beneath my touch and I smirked, loving the way she leaned closer to me to stable herself. She raised her gaze to meet mine, tilting her head completely to accommodate my height.

“I… I just… I’m…” She stuttered.

“Surprised?” I said, sensing how overwhelmed she was. She nodded and swallowed down her anxiety and lowered her stare down to my feet, slowly raised it to my face once more. It was clear she was still trying to accept the fact that I was indeed standing here and I wouldn’t rush her from that… hell, I’d be just as surprised if roles were reversed and she popped up on me at my school.

“Wha… what are you doing here?” She finally managed to mumble her first question after staring at me for what felt like forever. Biting down on my bottom lip with a smirk, I leaned in close to her ear and slid both hands around her waist to pull her closer to me.

“Syracuse was just a camp.” I could feel her gasp against the skin of my neck and I moved back a bit to catch her ‘I just saw a ghost… again’ expression.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked, clenching onto the front of my shirt as she balanced herself on the tips of her toes.

“I wanted to surprise you.” I leaned in closer and nuzzled my face in the crook of her neck, savoring her delectable scent.

In all actuality, UGA had been the very first school I’d been accepted to and I’d mapped out my plan long before she or anyone else knew. Though I only chose to attend Syracuse’s summer camp, I decided to tell Hope that I’d actually be enrolling in the school to really seal the deal of surprising her. During the graduation ceremony back in May, I’d even excluded The University of Georgia from the list of schools I’d been accepted to, so for that I knew she could never assume I’d be making my way right behind her to Georgia.

With my hands still tightly gripping her waist, I grinned and flicked my tongue out over my lips when I felt her hands sliding up my chest, stopping and linking together at the back of my neck. She pulled me as close to her as her chest would allow and buried her face in the crook of my neck, pressing her lips against my flesh before leaning up until her lips were near my ear.

“God, I missed you so much Chris.” She whispered. Moving my hands down to her lower back, I slid them back up and discreetly made sure to maneuver them beneath the material of her crop top. If my hands weren’t deceiving me, I’d say she’d gotten a hell of a lot thicker in just a matter of months. Easing my hands down a bit further, I didn’t even bother to bite back a groan as I buried my face in her tropical scented hair while I groped her ass… either I was just losing my mind from months of sex deprivation or she was seriously fucking thick.

“I missed you too baby.” I mumbled, turning and stepping back until I felt the solid wall against my back. The bass of the music vibrated through my chest and I kept my hands glued to her waist, rocking her hips subtly from side to side. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and gazed up at me, catching the beat on her own and reached down to place her hands on the top of mine. She pried them off her waist and turned around, meshing her plump little ass against my crotch. My hands were planted on her waist again in seconds and I looked down at her, enjoying the view of her ass grinding side to side against me.

The entire moment was so surreal for me. I mean, there I was just leaning against the wall of a party in a school no one had a clue I would be attending, with the love of my life slow grinding against my growing erection to the tune of Jeremih’s 5 Senses. It didn’t even feel like I’d just driven all those miles from Syracuse. And just days ago, I was completely aggravated because I had to deal with a dumbass for a roommate and I’d been battling the strongest craving for what I quickly noted to be my new addiction… my face was buried in the crook of her neck and I reveled in the mouthwatering scent of whatever body spray or perfume she’d doused herself with. With a smirk, I twisted my tongue out and toyed with the ball in my mouth for a while, grunting and groaning incessantly as she pressed harder against me and ignored the few spectators we’d gained in a matter of minutes. 

I couldn’t resist the urge to latch my hands into her hair as I stared down at the new style I’d failed to notice. She’d taken the time to straighten those platinum and honey blonde tresses and the tips of her hair rested… right above the crack of her ass. When the fuck did it get that long? With a low hiss and eyes weary and glazed with lust, I ran a hand up the length of her hair and pulled it back, watching as her head fell back against my shoulder.

“Baby,” leaning forward to press my lips against the side of her jaw, I kept my grip firm on those tresses and eyed her as her eyes squinted and finally shut, “Where are the restrooms?”

 Hope

The feeling of him thrusting into me leisurely yet forcefully was almost too much to bear. The pain had since subsided and he was now on his way to replacing the ache of not feeling him in months with pure pleasure. I unsuccessfully bit back a squeal and attempted to ease back from him when I felt an unwelcome jolt against a spot that I’d nearly forgotten all about.

“Where you going baby?” He asked, gripping onto my thighs as he pulled me back to the edge of the countertop. He’d asked about the location of the restrooms in the middle of our slow dance and surprisingly, I was able to get us here quick enough to avoid him stripping me of my clothes in the middle of the dance floor. The choice was clear to him the moment we stepped around the corner leading to the hall with the restrooms in our lust infused frenzy… the ladies room would have to do for our rendezvous, seeing as it was the closet to us when we rounded that corner.

From where I sat propped against the extended countertop, I could see that these past few months had been good to him… better than I could have ever imagined. Before he left Virginia for Syracuse, he had an average physique for a high school basketball player… he was lean and muscular in all the necessary areas. But now, after months of waking up in the wee hours of the morning and running drills for hours every day… now he was burlier than I’d ever seen him. His arms projected from his shirt with a perspired sheen, accenting the ink embellishments and the muscles that seemed to have developed overnight. His abdomen was a replica of a washboard and I felt almost intimidated as I watched those muscles retract and constrict with every powerful thrust he delivered.

Biting down into my bottom lip, I tossed my head back and moaned as I brought my gaze up to meet his golden eyes. I couldn’t resist the urge to smirk as I adored the sight of his now deep butterscotch complexion and the luscious curls projecting with perfection from his head. His physical transformation had my body leaking like a broken faucet and coating his shaft as he continued to pummel in and out of me. He leaned down unexpectedly, trapping me between his body and the mirror behind me. His hands were flat against the glass, his forehead pressed against mine and his lower half was steady rocking back and forth, sending continuous bursts of undeniable pleasure through my womb.

“You been keeping this pussy tight and wet for me baby?” He huffed.

“Yeah.” I muttered, clenching my eyes shut.

“This shit is so fucking tight girl. You know how I like my pussy, don’t you?” Moaning out for him like a crazy person, I used the back of my neck and head to push myself forward to capture his lips with my own. Suckling his bottom lip into my mouth like a pacifier, I slithered the tip of my tongue over it, enjoying the sweet flavor of cherry lip balm. I could feel one of his hands toying at the tips of my hair and half a second later, he yanked my head back and eased his tongue, and the new little ball pierced through it, from the base of my neck up to my chin… all the while keeping himself balanced with one hand against the mirror.

With a sudden boost of confidence, I brought my hands up and pressed them flat against his chest, pushing him back away from me. He continued to thrust strategically, eyeing me with a teasing smirk as I moved up away from the mirrored wall and leaned close to him. My forehead was pressed against his and I arched my back, enjoying the friction his shirt created against my naked chest. I slid one hand up along the back of his neck and into the curls atop his head then used the other hand to brace myself on the countertop, gripping the edge of it so I wouldn’t slip thanks to the puddle beneath my thighs. With my legs now wrapped securely around his waist, I started up a slow grind on him and smiled once he caught onto my rhythm.

“Damn baby,” He grunted, glancing down past his incredibly toned and perfectly sculpted abdomen, “You see that shit? You making a mess girl.”

Dropping my gaze from his honey tainted eyes, I stared down past the connection his body made with mine and carefully watched as my excitement dripped all over the glossy counter, making a complete mess just as he’d said. I kept my hand glued to the top of his head, gently tugging at the curls there before sliding my hand down to the side of his face. My body shivered at the sensation of his fingertips gliding down the center of my back, stopping just above my butt. He pressed his lips against mine at that exact moment and slipped his tongue deep into my mouth, swiftly pressing both of his hands into my back. I gasped into his mouth, enduring the discomfort of his entire length filling me to the brim.

I didn’t know if it was because I hadn’t felt him in such a way in so long, but he felt much larger than what I was used to… the thing was literally like a child’s leg! Not like it wasn’t a healthy size before, but now… now it felt like he was simply ripping me apart. As I continued to focus on his enormity, he slid me completely off the counter and bounced me up and down offering me as many inches of himself that my body would allow.

“Oh God Chris… unnnnnnh!” I groaned, tossing my head back and leaning back to catch the edge of the counter before I slipped right out of his grasp. He gripped my waist loosely in his large hands as he dug in and out of me and I nearly lost all my senses the moment I felt him rotate his hips into figures eights.  

I’d gotten so wrapped up in the whirlwind of passion we’d created in the five-stall space, I failed to realize we were indeed selfishly holding up the restroom as though there was no one else who’d need to use it. Chris had locked the door as soon as we set foot in the space, blocking any unnecessary spectators from walking in on our personal porn scene. We’d been locked away in this bathroom for nearly half an hour and I hadn’t thought twice about listening to anyone or anything other than Chris, but now it wasn’t hard to tell that there was a line forming just outside the locked door. 

“Ba…by, the do… doooor.” I attempted to say as I rolled my head to one side and stared up at him. He kept his head low, focusing merely on the disappearing act his shaft performed.

“Fuck that,” He grunted huskily, glancing briefly into my eyes, “They can wait.”

My concern for anyone standing outside the door faded into thin air almost instantly and I found myself using the edge of the counter to balance myself as I met his thrusts halfway focusing on bringing us both to a much needed and well-deserved climax.

In the following minutes he gave me his all, thrusting into me with so much force and power I was sure my pelvic bone would snap at any second.

“Give me my nut girl,” He growled, leaning down and flattening both palms suddenly against the glossy counter, “Fuck this dick good and make it cum baby.”

Those words and that tone were all I needed to push me right over the edge… my head flew back, sending my hair flying about wildly and with a throaty moan, an intense series of convulsions washed over me and I instinctively pulled my legs back from his waist. He caught them before I could fully move away from him and plowed back into me mid-squirt.

I’d squirted all over his midsection, screaming and squealing like a mad woman because I didn’t know how else to convey just how wonderfully powerful this orgasm felt. Chris had already yanked me back to him and picked up his pace, completely ignoring my screams of insanity.

“Why you running? I ain’t tell you to go anywhere.” He fussed breathlessly.

“Chri… I can’t… bre…” My own breath was beginning to come out in short gusts and I just knew at any second I was sure to pass out.

“Make me cum and I’ll let you fucking breathe. Gimme that shit… what you holding it for?” He grunted, reaching down between my thighs to use his thumb to knead my clit. I reached up for my own hair and tugged at it desperately, nearly losing my mind and seeing stars as I reached my peak all over again… this time convulsing with so much strength that I pulled Chris into a whirlwind orgasm right along with me.

He cursed hysterically and with one final thrust, he gripped onto my hips and burrowed his fingertips into my skin, pulling his softening erection out and leaning down to press his lips against my perspired forehead “Fuck Hope, I really fucking missed your ass… and your pussy.”

With a huff and a giggle, I licked my parched lips and gripped onto his shoulders to pull myself into an upright position. The commotion outside the door grew to a level that neither of us could continue to ignore and I sighed and pushed Chris back from me, sliding down to my feet and leaning against him to keep my balance after my legs nearly gave out.

“Why the fuck can’t they wait a damn minute?” He fussed. I rested my head against his chest and peered up at him, giving him a warning glare to let him know he needed to calm down. He took heed to my firm stare and after a few minutes of helping me pull my clothes back on, he boldly headed for the door and unlocked it, pulling it open to reveal himself to the livid turned adoring eyes of the feisty females barricading the outside of the door.

[btsiguess]

This Is Just To Say (m) - 1

Summary: To say it’s unusual to have a soulmate is an understatement, and most people desperately wish to have an elegant name scrawled upon their wrist. In reality though, you’d have to say it causes much more issues than it solves.

Pairing: Yoongi/Reader (slight Namjoon/Reader; Jungkook/Reader)

Genre: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: T.S. Eliot bashing, if that matters to you. Vague philosophy references that don’t matter?? Too many cute boys to handle?! Honestly, too many italics but I’ll fight you over it?

A/N: Here have a garbage soulmate/college au that no one asked for. 

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

“How can you even say that?” Namjoon asked you through a mouthful of food, pulling your attention away from your reading… again, “T.S. Eliot is fantastic? He’s one of the greatest Modernist writers of all time!”

“Joonie, are we seriously still fighting about this? It’s been hours, when are you gonna let it go?”

“Maybe I’ll never let it go?” He deadpans, “I just can’t believe you call yourself a literature major and you hate T.S. Eliot.”

You sigh for what feels like the thousandth time today, and despite himself Namjoon smiles at you as you gaze around the dining hall. This was how things always were with the two of you, bickering mindlessly over something pointless, but you really wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Joonie,” you say again, “T.S. Eliot was just so pretentious, Modernism in general was so pretentious. Think about it: in order to have been able to understand Eliot’s writings when he was actually writing you would have had to have been highly educated. The man doesn’t write for the masses. He writes for different versions of himself! Other awkward smart boys who think they’re too good for the people around them. T.S. Eliot takes poetry out of the hands of the generally uneducated masses for no good reason other than he wants to look smarter than them!”

“How can you say that, it’s like you’ve never even read hi-”

“Namjoon, I swear to god. Have you read ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock?’ Off the top of my head I know it mentions at least three other works that only the educated could get their hands on, let alone understand. You have to through and through understand the economy at the time of his writing, the socio political tensions, the popular literature, the culture! Otherwise his references go right over your head. And everyone eats his damn ass because they think he’s eloquent and cool, when really he was just an edgelord all the time. Like damn, eat a peach if you want to pal. Who’s gonna stop you? I’m not saying he’s utterly terrible, because he isn’t. I’m just saying that there are so many other poets we could be focusing on!”

You look back down at your book, unsure whether you want Namjoon to provoke you more or not. It’s true that your favorite thing to do is argue but it’s just been a really long day.

Namjoon smiles at you for a moment, and you know he’s admiring your passion. At the end of the day that’s really what kept you two so close. Intelligence is nothing without passion.

“Fine,” he said finally, surprising you since he never usually relented so easily, “but you have to admit you’re a little bit of a hypocrite since don’t you love Wallace Stevens or… whatever his name is? The plum guy”

“It’s William Carlos Williams you ass,” you scoff at his mistake, “he wasn’t even a modernist anyway.”

A slight cough coming from the end of your booth makes you both look up into the smiling face of Taehyung, his eyes bright and his dining hall tray piled high with food.

“Are you losers still arguing over T.S. Eliot?” He asks, smirking as he sits down beside you. “I seriously thought that our professor was going to throw you both out of class for that heated debate, and normally she loves when you two fight!”

“Well I guess we’ll stop fighting when Joonie admits he’s wrong.” you coo back, stealing a fry off his plate, laughing at his feigned horrified expression.

“And where do you fall, Tae?” Namjoon asks, ignoring you, “Are you an Eliot fan or do you think he’s too pretentious?”

“Mmm. I think he’s pretentious, but that’s why I like him?”

Both you and Namjoon groan, neither of you pleased that a definitive winner hadn’t been decided by Tae’s choice.

“Don’t sound so put out, you two honestly. It’s just literature.” Tae added, cheekily. You closed your eyes and prayed to whatever deity was out there for a better group of friends. Ones who wouldn’t try to rile you up at every twist and turn. When you opened them again though, it was still Tae and Joon sitting around you, both smiling like the slippery bitches they were. Instead of engaging though, you opted for a subject change.

“Tae, my sweet boy, what are you doing tonight?”

“Why? Are you asking me out?”

“No, actually, I’d rather die. Just wanted to know if you wanted to bum around in the library with me later. I’d like to start the essay we were assign--”

“Oh, you mean the one that we were assigned today? The one that’s due in three weeks? That essay? Yeah no. I’m not starting that. Anyway, there’s a baseball game tonight.”

“Ah, okay. Don’t be an ass either. You know I wouldn’t start it normally, but I had a good idea.”

“I’m not doing anything later,” Namjoon interjected, “thanks for asking though.”

“Joonie, don’t you have philosophy club tonight?” you questioned, arching your brow. There was always philosophy club on Thursday’s, and Namjoon never missed it.

“Oh shit, yeah, I do actually. You should come with me! They like when you go!”

“Joonie, they definitely don’t like when I go. They try to rip me apart. And, ugh, there’s always that one guy. What’s his name? Mike? Matt? Mark?”

“Zach.” Joonie laughed.

“Yeah! That’s his name! Oh my god, what a douche bag! Do you know what he said to me last time I went? He said--”

“What would you know, you’re only an English major.” The two boys in front of you chorused back in unison, leaving you to huff indignantly.

“I like when you go though,” Joon said, and the soft look in his eyes already had your resolve melting away, “it’s always more interesting with you there.”

The worst part was Namjoon totally knew he had you. You could never say no to him. Ever.

“Fine.” you mumble, trying to sound annoyed, but really it was difficult when you saw the dimples appear on Namjoon’s cheeks. Those damn dimples.

“What time does philosophy club end?” Tae questioned, “If you can both make it, you should come watch the baseball game with me. I love supporting Jungkook and everything, but baseball is really boring when you have to watch it by yourself.”

“It ends around eight or so.” Joonie responded, “I’m down to swing by after, if it’s still going. I’ll drag Y/N along too, don’t worry.”

You open your mouth to protest but honestly the look on Taehyung’s face makes you drop your complaint. Honestly, what is happening to me? You think. These boys are making me soft.

“Ah good! The game starts at 7:30, so, you won't have missed much by the time you get there.”

The boys continue to chat as you return your attention back to your book, periodically stealing food off of Tae’s tray. If Tae minded, he didn’t show it. Then again, he never did, and you could’ve sworn that after he realized your tendency to pick at his plate he began to grab more food. You’d known him for the better part of the year, Joonie too. You had all met in your Writing About Literature class, and hit it off, deciding to take another class together the following semester. You were happy you had found friends so quickly after starting university, since walking around all alone could only sustain a person for so long. And even though everything about your friends sucked, you still loved them.

Eventually Namjoon bopped you on the head to get your attention and drag you to philosophy club. Tae wished you a brief ‘good luck’ as you exited the dining hall, and as you approached the campus center, where club events were held, you couldn’t help but think you might need it.

As expected, there were only around ten or twelve other kids sitting in the room when you and Joonie got there. So probably every philosophy major on campus, you thought. A few of them gave you snide glances as you took your seats and you felt your blood begin to boil. Philosophy club was less about genuine philosophy, and more about debate. The club members all liked to discuss contemporary moral problems until they were blue in the face, but whenever you piped up to add something everyone but Joonie tried to shut you down.

It made you work harder to prove them wrong, and boy did they hate that.

You let out a sigh of relief when you saw that Zach wasn’t there. But before you could truly revel in this little win, he walked through the door.

“Sorry I’m late everybody,” He began and his nasally voice grated on the inside of your ears, briefly making you wonder if a sound could actually make your brain bleed, “I got caught up in something. But I knew I couldn’t miss this meeting since I got to pick the topic for today.”

Fantastic.

“So the topic I’ve chosen to discuss is whether or not we think that those with soulmates should be allowed to sleep with people outside of their destined match.”

You froze briefly. Of fucking course this would be the topic. And after such a long day too.

“I assume,” Zach continued, “that no one in this room has a soulmate, since it's basically a one in a million occurrence, so unless I’m wrong, we can talk about them unhindered.”

You glanced around the room curiously to see if anyone spoke up to claim a soulmate, but unsurprisingly no one did.

As discreetly as you could you brushed your fingertips over the watch that hid the name of your soulmate, making sure that the elegant script was still hidden beneath the leather strap.

“Does anyone have any opening remarks?” Zach asked, and as someone piped up to the left of you, you couldn’t help but slink down in your chair.

“I think it’s sort of slutty,” the nameless girl said, “I mean, if you have a soulmate you already know you’re leading someone on if you sleep with them?”

You attempted to stare nonchalantly down at your nails. Trying to look and act normal, but for the life of you you couldn’t remember what normal even was in this moment. To fight back probably, but you just couldn’t find it in you. If you disagreed with them, they’d surely know that you have a soulmate. Right?

Joonie scoffed loudly beside you and you turned to face him, along with the rest of the people in the room.

“That’s so ridiculous,” he said, and for just a moment your heart fluttered in your chest, “hook-up culture is like, not even a contested thing anymore, how is someone with a soulmate sleeping around different than getting drunk at a party and hooking up with someone?”

“I’m just saying,” the girl shot back, “why would you want to if you knew? People with soulmates are already so lucky, they shouldn’t disrespect what they have like that!”

“Sex is natural!” Namjoon retorted, “And fun, you’re basically slut shaming!”

“Hey now!” someone else said, and quickly the room turned into utter cacophony. People trying to have their opinions heard over other voices until really, it didn’t matter what anyone was saying at all. Namjoon, for his part, was just as invested in the argument as everyone else. Fighting just as vehemently, never wavering in his stance. It wasn’t often you got a chance to look at him in a debate with other people, but when you did, your chest always filled with pride. He was so intelligent, so good hearted, and -- at least when it came to morality -- you were almost always on the same side of the dividing lines.

It was no different tonight, you definitely agreed with Namjoon on this topic. And the people you had slept with in the past could attest to that. Still though, an odd guilt washed over you whenever you were forced to look the matter in the face. To be fair, you had lost your virginity before the name even appeared on your wrist, to some ass hole who you thought you loved. You regretted it now, but sex was just sex, so you tried to shrug it off.

“It’s a blessing!” you heard a voice cry, “A blessing to be given a soulmate.”

God. All your life you’ve been hearing that from people. No one knew about your soulmate of course, but still, whenever the topic was brought up that word was always incorporated somehow.

You felt more cursed by it than anything, if you were being honest. ‘How can love be love if you don’t get the choice?’ your father used to say, and you agreed with him.

Your father had a soulmate too. A soulmate who was not his wife, not your mother. And somehow he had never been unfaithful. He had been with your mother since high school, and when some other woman’s name appeared on his wrist at 17, your mother had been devastated. It didn’t matter though, because your father stayed. Steadfast and loyal until the name on his wrist started to fade away. While it was still there now, it was bitterly faint -- a stark contrast to the dark black lettering on your skin. He kept the name covered, always. And though both of your parents supported you irrevocably in your right to choose whether to seek out the person on your wrist, it had never been a question for you.

You remember when you told them about your choice, to keep your soulmate a secret, to live your life as your father had lived his. Your parents had nodded, smiling, and your father had come home the next night with a watch for you to wear, just like him. The memory had you smiling despite your current situation and you reached down again to gently rub the watch that graced your wrist even now three years later. The strap was your favorite color and around the face of the watch were little vibrant jewels. You were sure they were real, no expense had been spared for this watch.

It’s symbolism wasn’t lost on you either. You knew your parents were overjoyed at the prospect of you forging your own path, just as your father had done.

“Sometimes,” your father had once told you in private, “sometimes you wonder about them.” And without asking you knew what he meant.

“You wonder whether they are happy or sad or safe. But really. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s that love isn’t something that just falls into your lap. It’s a series of choices. You have to decide to put up with someone else’s bullshit. That’s all love is. And anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. Don’t make love bigger than it needs to be, or you may find yourself disappointed. If you let it be simple, you will find happiness. Y/N, remember this: an unconditional love only means you are in love with the idea of loving something.”

His words had struck a chord with you. You knew that he was right. And while you often did wonder about your soulmate, you never regretted your decision.

A soft tap on your cheek pulled you out of your reverie and made you glance over into the puzzled face of Namjoon. A raucous was still going on in the room around you, but Namjoon’s eyes were focussed only on you.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, “You’re not helping me at all here!” His smile told you that he was kidding though, and the genuine concern in his eyes left you reeling.

“Ah, I’m sorry Joonie. It’s just been a long ass day. I don’t think I could argue with them tonight.”

Namjoon nodded quietly, and stood up suddenly.

The room went quiet and Namjoon just shrugged as he grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the room. For a bit you walked along the hallway in silence, a mixture of relief and guilt spinning in your stomach.

“Joonie, you didn’t have to do that.”

He stopped momentarily to look at you. “I did. You weren’t acting like yourself in there, I didn’t like it.”

“Oh.” you replied weakly.

“What’s really wrong? I’ve seen you tired, you still always have enough fight in you to tell Zach to shove it up his ass. You’ve got me worried.”

“It’s really nothing, Namjoon, please--”

“Don’t say it’s nothing, we both know that’s bullshit. C’mon, it’s just me.”

You looked up into his eyes, full of warmth and worry. Big mistake, you thought. And for the first time ever you wondered if it would be so bad to let someone else know about your soulmate.

Namjoon took your hands in his, in a slightly uncharacteristic display of affection between you two.

“Please.” he said simply, and for the second time today you felt your resolve crumbling.

“It was just… the topic that they were arguing about I guess?”

“Soulmates?”

“Yeah.”

“Why would that upset you? The slut shaming was pretty severe, but I’ve watched you take people down for that before with absolutely no qualms at all and oh my god you have a soulmate.”

“Yeah.”

“You? Y/N you have a soulmate?” Namjoon rakes his fingers through his hair and glances down at your watch covered wrist.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“You guess? Y/N, this is amazing, isn’t it? Who is it? Have you already--”

“Joonie, do you think we can go somewhere else to talk about this? Please.”

For a moment, Namjoon stays silent, taking in your uncomfortable frame, before grabbing your hand and pulling you along behind him. No words are exchanged as you walk the campus to Namjoon’s dorm, which you find empty, for better or for worse. He sits you on his bed and begins to pace in front of you.

“You really have a soulmate?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah.”

“That’s incredible, I honestly never thought I’d meet someone who had one.”

“Most people don’t.” You shrug.

Namjoon sits down on the bed next to you.

“Have you met them yet?” He asks and you shake your head. He lets out a small breath before nodding to himself.

“Can I see it?”

“Joonie. I know that it’s a really big deal for you but I just… for me it’s not like that at all. I wish I didn’t have it. I’m not… I’m not looking for them. I don’t want them.”

Namjoon cocks his head to the side a bit, looking puzzled.

“What do you mean?” He says.

You move yourself backwards on his bed, your back hitting the wall before you respond.

“It just doesn’t make any sense to me, Joonie,” you tell him, “soulmates can’t just happen, they’re made.”

“I don’t follow…”

“My mom and dad have been together since high school you know. Nearly thirty years now, I’d say.”

“That’s impressive but I don’t see how--”

“My dad, Joonie. He’s got a soulmate too. But it isn’t my mom. Does that make my parents love a lie? Does it make it less valid?”

Namjoon doesn’t answer right away, and you can almost see the gears turning in his head.

“No.” he says finally.

“They found each other. They fell in love. And they grew together, Joonie. That’s what I want. I want to fall in love with someone, in the normal way. I want to worry over whether it’ll work out, I want to struggle and fight to keep them because that’s what they deserve. That’s what love is. It’s being certain of something in spite of uncertainty. It's working until you’re certain. It’s silly and irrational. It isn’t something you can just sit back and count on. Because then it wouldn’t mean anything. How can love be love if you don't get a choice? My soulmate? That’s not real love. Love happens over time… this name? It’s a joke.”

Again Namjoon is quiet, and when you finally get up the guts to look at him there’s something in his eyes you haven’t seen before. You can’t quite place the emotion, but it isn’t negative.

“You’re incredible.” He says simply, and your heart skips in your chest.

Namjoon tilts his head towards the ceiling and his dimples show as he smiles.

“Here I’ve been all my life,” he says, looking pointedly at you once more, “thinking that I would do just about anything to have a soulmate, a real soulmate. And in less than ten minutes you swoop in and convinced me that I’m better off. That my love is more real than… than a soulmates! Jesus Christ, You are just something…” He laughs, and the sound makes you smile.

Of course Joonie would take it well. It’s Joonie after all.

“Namjoon,” you say, drawing his attention to you once more, “please don’t tell anyone. Besides my parents, nobody knows.”

Namjoon looks shocked at your admission but nods quickly enough.

“So basically, what you’re trying to say,” He responds, “is that I’m your best friend? Boy, Tae is gonna be so pissed.”

You laugh and hit his arm playfully, “Tae has that baseball player anyway. Of course you’re my best friend, but don't brag. It's unbecoming.”

“Ah yeah, Jungkook.” Joonie says, and you briefly glance at your watch. It was nearly 8, you’d have to start heading over to the field soon.

“Wait,” Namjoon says when you mention the time and start pulling him up to leave, “I have one question.”

“Yeah? Shoot?”

“You said your father has a soulmate too? What are the fucking odds that two people in your family would have them?”

“We honestly don’t know how it happened either. My mom has this crazy idea that the Gods were unsatisfied with his decision to ignore his soulmate, so they gave me one too. To try and get everything all right in the universe or whatever.” You laugh.

Namjoon laughs too, “Well then the Gods are gonna really flip their shit when they learn you are being so difficult about it too.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way really.”

“Mmm.” he agrees, “Neither would I.”

“Joonie, we really have to go now, Tae’s all by himself!”

“You’re right. But you should go to the bathroom first, you always hate using public restrooms, and your bladder is the size of a raisin.”

“What the fuck does that even mean, Namjoon?” You hiss, but you know he’s right, and so you make your way to his bathroom despite your protests.

You hear him make a noncommittal noise in response as you close the door, and for what feels like the thousandth time tonight your fingers go to slightly twist the strap of your watch.

You’d been fidgeting with it more than usual and it was starting to irritate your skin just a bit. Quickly you undo the watch and place it on the counter, making an effort not to look at the black name on your skin.

It’s as you’re washing your hands though that your eyes finally lock with the name that’s been plaguing the back of your mind for years. You sigh loudly as you attach your watch to your wrist, effectively trapping away the name, as you attempt to do the same with your thoughts. Somehow though, you can’t seem to shake the way the lines curve across your wrist, and for the rest of the evening you’re haunted by the name that lies just out of sight.

The name Min Yoongi.

A/N: Yikes, there you go. Thank you for reading, if you got all the way down here. Also major shoutout to the actual love of my life @gimmesumsuga, for being my Beta and also? Inspiring me to write in the first place? I love her so much I’m sobbing, okay I’m going bye.

[walkinsauce]

Becoming Poly- Chapter 14: My Turn

Sorry I didn’t blog last week. Do you know how hard it is to write about polyamory under the same roof as your parents? I was scared one of them was going to pop in and ask,

“Christina, why do you need that bottle of wine in your room?”

“Paper weight.”

So, ya, I’m sure hundreds of self help books would call that an “excuse” for not writing, but trust me: it felt TOO CREEPY. You try to write about sex while your parents are in the next room watching My Three Sons. See how you feel.  I would, however, like to thank all my Tumblr readers for hitting the heart button on all my blogs. Quick shout outs to:

ilove-seductive-mature attractive-milf-girls hot-elder-chamber fat-milf-foxy-imgs bimbo-slutty-girlz fuck-sexy-fat-pussies fucking-amazing-fat-cunts jugs-nice-pictures

It’s good to know I’ve found my audience. Though I do wish you guys would put some capital letters in your names. You’re better than that.

I’ve calmed down from my boyfriend’s first “other sex” in our relationship. I’m pretty lucky that I have so many people reaching out to me, who are better versed in open relationships than I am. A particular comic friend in Florida always sums it up so well:

“Your primary is your home. These other people are the Disneylands and carnivals of the world. Fun day excursions, but you don’t want it every day.”

I think that’s my problem: Part of me would prefer to be the Disneyland. And good news for you, I’m way cheaper.

I still have a crush on the one guy I texted at O’Brien’s the day of my breakdown. I know he’s wary of the poly thing, and knowing my boyfriend, but I can’t help it. I’ve known him for years. I’ve had a crush on him for a year. I can’t help it if I’m a coward, and don’t know how to approach him. (Especially considering the circumstances.) Me sending him Snapchats that he’ll never open is enough of a rush for me.

It’s Friday night. I’m sitting at Ollo, as I often do during happy hour, wondering what I’m going to do when all the regulars go home at 8pm. It’s not a party city. We could use a Malibu’s Most Wanted reboot out here. But with the tiny bit of confidence I get from deep fried zucchini sticks and house wine, I decide to text my crush:

“Do you ever open Snapchat anymore, or am I sending things to an archive…?”

(With a smirky face emoji, obvi.)

He writes back minutes later.

“Hahahaha! I just watched the snaps! They made me laugh!”

It was at least a month’s worth of events, even capturing his own roommates. It must have been quite the montage.

“Thanks for sending them! I’m sorry I’m the worst. They were really funny. How long have you been sending them?”

Oh months. They’re my favorite seed I’ve ever planted.

“You might have just gotten something from me.”

I open Snapchat and see his name light up in full arrowed purple. I’m ridiculously excited for a girl my age. I’m starting to tune out the old man beside me bragging about how he gave Rosie O’Donnell her big break. That’s how you can tell I keep it real in this town- I’d much rather chase romance than my own career. (GOOD MOVE, EH?)

He writes again:

“I just finished a show in Hermosa Beach and I got to watch a lady heckle another comedian by saying, “we’re never going to be friends.”

Wow. The edginess of Hermosa Beach hecklers. What’s next? No tip? Shocking. I’m walking home, past people sleeping in their cars. At least my career is going better than theirs. But it’s a good reminder there’s no parking restrictions on PCH. Man, if any road needs some street cleaning…

It takes us another 18 texts to finally figure out we should meet up, but when he writes,

“I’d be down to meet up somewhere!”

I’m immediately wet. (It happens fast at my age.) He suggests the exact two bars in Santa Monica I was going to suggest. Power of the Leo and Sagittarius. (I probs just lost nine readers by referencing astrology.)

I get to Rick’s on Main Street slightly before him. I don’t have my real glasses on me, cuz I’ve been wearing my prescription sunglasses all day. Didn’t expect to be out past sunset, cuz that’s Malibu “night life.” So I’m going to be mildly blind all night. People always tell me,

“You should get laser eye surgery.”

Why the fuck would I do that? My glasses cover at least a dozen lines on my face. I’m thinking about getting a new pair, with thicker rims. I’m growing out bangs next. The date will be fine as long as I don’t send him into the kitchen when he asks where the bathroom is.

Now here’s the grey area…

Do I tell my bf right now that I’m going to meet this crush? I don’t know anything is going to happen. There’s a good chance we will just be two (ASTROLOGICAL PERFECT MATCHES) drinking buddies in a bar. Two comics, talking shop. Do we really need to set off the alarm before there’s a fire? As per my communication skills, I think def not. Like this blog, I will leave it till the last minute. (Typed at 3:13am, 4:45am after proofreading.)

I’m pretty sure I look like shit, but the good thing about somebody knowing me through comedy, is they always see me looking like shit. I’ve never been super comfortable looking “good” on stage. Maybe this comes from starting stand up 19 years ago, and always fearing women wouldn’t like me if I looked pretty. Most of the women in a comedy club are on dates, and I would literally get glares as they gripped their men. So early in my career, I started to wear hoodies on stage, and cover as much skin as possible. It was my passive aggressive way of saying,

“Don’t look at me. Listen to me.”

(Also, “I’m not here to steal your boyfriend. I’m here to make forty bucks.”)

This is another reason I love the rise of feminism: I pray it means the death of catty-ism. (An energy I sadly grew up with.)

So ya, back to the poly stuff: I’m on an impromptu date with my crush, my bf doesn’t really know, I look like shit, but can’t see that cuz I left my glasses at home. He walks in the bar and I’m almost in shock that we’re together. I think it’s been months since we’ve been in the same room together. And since when did I start going after things I want…?

I’m shockingly comfortable around him. That’s a plus about bonding with someone while you’re in a relationship. You don’t try as hard to sell yourself as when you’re single. You’re just you, and if they don’t like it, who cares? (I admire people who are like this all the time.)

He suggests we go to Chez Jay next. Ooooooooh, I love a new bar. Never been. So excited. Even more excited that he’s ditched his car, and will get it in the morning. I love a man who drinks responsibly. (Is this how I book a MADD commercial, or do I still need to have babies?)

Chez Jay is great. I like having bars like this on my radar. The conversation is going steady, tho I’m praying my primary and polyamory doesn’t come up. I just want to enjoy this night, as it is. The same way I did as a single person. I really don’t want to dive into the politics of it all. I think I’m more terrified that talking about it will scare him away…

When Chez Jay closes, he asks me if I wanna come over for some porch beers.

Yup. You know I do.

Again… is this the moment I text my bf and let him know I’m going over to a guy’s house? I mean technically, there’s a good chance nothing will happen. Seems too soon to ring the alarm. And if there’s one expression comedians know, it’s “too soon.”

He gets us an Uber/Lyft, whichever- most cars in town have both stickers. When we get to his house, I hit the bathroom. Every girl’s most investigative move in a dude’s house. Is his hand towel also his bath towel? Is this a one towel wonder situation? Does he own toilet paper? I don’t make it that far, because I’ve sprayed surprise period all over my undies. (If those Tumblr names didn’t scare you away, this surely will, eh?)

I search the cupboards for anything remotely handy in this moment. There’s nothing. Maybe I should hit the kitchen, and look for coffee filters. Those should work, right?

Nah, I’ll just do the ol’ “tie toilet paper around my underwear” move. It’s the move you do when you first get your period, in case you don’t know. (I FEEL SO YOUNG AGAIN! MAYBE I DON’T NEED BANGS!)

Porch beers are the best. I’m a fan of his roommates. We’re all having a great time, but then… 

Something more unexpected than my bloody kitty happens. This beautiful, young blonde chick walks up to the porch.

“Hey, I live across the street. All my friends went to sleep, so I thought I’d come introduce myself.”

Holy. Mother. Trucker. It’s 3:00am. This isn’t the moment I was expecting competition…

But here we are.

The guys grab her a beer. Now again, I am not into “catty-ism.” BUT- I am a share holder of “insecurity-ism.” And if I were any one of these guys on this porch, I would def hit on this chick instead of me. She’s legit extremely cool. There’s a part of me that wonders if this is fate’s little way of saying,

You’re not ready to pop your poly cherry yet.

I never rang the alarm. I can still get out of this… innocently?

Either way, I think she might be might be my personal savior (another word I spell wrong cuz I’m Canadian and think there’s a “u” in it.)

“Do you have a tampon?”

“Of course! Come on over!”

She takes me over to her apartment, and literally gives me all her pads cuz she doesn’t use them. Bonus. My favourite sleep aid. I fucking love this girl.

We head back over to the boys, and I know I’m drunk, bleeding and tired. I ask my crush if there’s a place I can crash. He escorts me to his roommate’s room, and tucks me in. (Don’t worry- the roommate wasn’t there. That would have been the real poly, eh?)

As I fall asleep, like a loser at a slumber party who goes to bed first, I can’t help but think,

“He’s a great guy. She’s a great girl. If they hook up, I’m fine with it.”

PRACTICE COMPERSION! Why is compersion so much easier when you’re not dating someone? I fall asleep/pass out- which ever you like to believe at this hour. In the morning, I wake up in a super funny comedian’s bed. Alone. I make the bed, as a sure fire way to say “a chick was here” and text my crush.

“Oh I wanna say bye, but I don’t know what room is yours.”

I can’t just knock on random doors… Plus he might not be alone. I def don’t want to interrupt kinky times with the pad donor. All of a sudden, one of the roommates pops out of his room. I ask him which room is _______’s and he shows me. In this moment, I know I’m risking becoming a piece of gossip my boyfriend might hear… 

And not through me…

I lightly knock on the door. When I hear a groggy “come in” I open the door.

There’s NO hot, cool, tampon savior chick in his bed. He’s just sleeping, post drinking style, alone.

“Oh, I just wanted to say goodbye…”

And then, without saying another word, I crawl into bed with him. 

[mauridianhallow]

A L L O F T H E Q U E S T I O N S

Good shit good shit this took me ages holy hell enjoy you meme loving fucks Q's for you to A Do you have a favourite sweater? I actually do, it's that kinda folded over stretchy grey one I always wear, y'know? I wore it to The 1975 and, from what I hear, it was awesome. (Although I can't remember bc I was Gin Drunk) What’s your middle name? Lawrence...no judgement...Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? I don't, I wonder how's she's doing. Heard she was studying History from her friend I met in a bar one time. Glad to hear, she was nice. Do you get on with your grandparents? I did! Sadly it's been a few years since they passed but I very much did. What was your favourite cartoon as a kid? Hmm, it's a tough one, between the 90's X-Men TV show they played on repeat on Fox Kids or Ben 10 when it wasn't absolute shit like the remake. Yeah I'm bitter. What’s your favourite cartoon now? Archer lol Do you read the news paper? Yeah pretty much every day...I swear I'm not an old man. Who was the last text you sent to? My friend Laura, asking if they'll still be at the park when I finish work. What does the last text you sent say? "Y'all still gonna be there when I get away?" If you could have any hair colour what would it be? Idk I like the one I have. Do you like nature documentaries? Not really my cup of tea to be perfectly honest. What is your aesthetic? Climbing a mountain at a 90° angle in Skyrim on a horse. When did you last pet a dog? ''Twas yesterday. Whose friend’s parents do you like the most? The twins'! They employ me! I literally get paid to hang out with friends some days that's the good shit! Have you ever been on a road trip? I've been on a couple, longest was a drive to Southern Spain from Scotland! Was awesome! Tell me about someone you know called Emma? Went to school with her, cool gal, she saw HP in London and I'm jealous, shoutout to @weewildelassAre you reading a book in english class, what is it? Oh god I'm old. I haven't had or attended an English class in over 2 years. Do you have a favourite Aunt? Well considering she also employs me...hell yeah, shoutout to my Aunt K you legend! Baths or showers? Baths for comfort and treating yo self, or sharing...😏...Showers for quickness and weird snapchats at 3am...😂 Skiing or sun bathing? Sun bathing my dude. Do you kill spiders? Sometimes, sometimes not. Have you ever made an ice pop? I have not. Are you wearing shoes right now? I'm not wearing anything rn. Tell me about you favourite primary school/elementary school teacher? Let me tell you about Mrs. Mary "The Bonecrusher" Highland, and how she was such an iconic, legendary, influential and inspiring woman that she was the person you sent into the bad fucked up schools in movies and have them all pass with straight A's, she ran a tough ship and was slow to praise but when she did, she went all out, and made you feel like what you had achieved was truly a feat. Oh and she encouraged children to learn and think for themselves, genuinely encouraged you when you said you were interested in something even when it went above and beyond the curriculum. She was charitable, friendly, and spoke to you like you were an equal, and a worthy one at that. Mrs. Highland was literally so influential in so many people in my class being successful, free minded, hard working adults that she deserves a goddamn award. And let me tell you another thing, at the end of my First Year in College, I went back to my old Primary School for a teaching assistant internship because I knew the school was becoming a bit run-down and out of control and I wanted to help the way that Mrs. Highland had, and who had they just asked to come out of retirement, come back for TWO WEEKS, sort shit out and then walk away into the sunset like some goddamn Old Lady Teaching Avenger who appears when needs were greatest? MARY FUCKING HIGHLAND, I GOT TO HELP ONE OF MY CHILDHOOD HEROES BE AN ABSOLUTE TEACHING LEGEND AND REALLY INFLUENCE SOME GOOD IN A KIDS LIFE, THAT IS THE SHIT! Seriously though, she truly is one of the good ones, they don't make em like Her anymore. Who was the last person you hugged? I think that would be my mother actually hahah. Do you wear glasses? Occasionally. Do you have a cat? I sadly do not. Do you have a favourite pair of underwear? Not a favourite pair exactly more like a favourite kind?? Next All-Black, that's the good shit, makes my ass look great among other things. What was your last tweet? "How the fuck do you work twitter" about 5 years ago and I haven't used it since. Do you still use Facebook? I do, rarely. Do you like birds? Aye pal birds, blokes, the lot. Who was the last person you called cute? That genuinely would be my niece, or you lol Who was the last person that called you cute? This is a strange answer but a regular in my work. Long story. How did you meet your best friend? I literally turned a corner and ran into a group of emo's in like Fourth Year at High School and I haven't looked back since. Escalators or elevators? Nah m8, trick question, I'd rather take the stairs. Does wonders for the thighs. Are you named after anyone, who? Ahaha yeah my dad, both my granddads, and Saint. Christoper (Catholic mum yo) What was your first url? I have no idea. Autumn or Winter? Winter I can't lie. Do you win at scrabble? I do not lol Put your ipod on shuffle , who is the first song that comes up by? "American Idiot", Green Day. Classic. Have you ever drunk from a mason jar? I have not. Can you draw? Barely even write m8 let alone draw. What was your first profile picture? I think it was Kenny from South Park. Favourite t-shirt? God I have no idea. Best tumblr friend? Shoutout to @bepizzazzed and @double-dorks-beanie and @hesitant-butthole When did you last run? Tonight when as a joke my friends took my jacket and tried to get it on top of a climbing frame? lol I had it back in seconds and decided to get some payback ahah Do you like to paint your nails? Not particularly fussed, not a look I could pull off. Did you ever do something as a kid that got you into loads of trouble? I did more things to get me into trouble as a kid that anyone should ever do. And I still did it. Who is your favourite dog that isn’t yours? Trick question, all of them. Have you ever been drunk? Literally so many times. So many. Have you ever done something you regret while drunk? Some-thing? Some-one? Getting into a slutty dance off with a professional dancer? Stealing a mannequin? The exact words "I can easily make this jump..."? The exact words "Watch this lads"? The exact words "Shots won't do me any harm"? The exact words "Another Venom? Aye no bother!" The exact words "You can crash at mine if you like...?" You get the picture...I do messed up shit I'm drunk, and yet, I continue to do so. Do you want to kiss anyone right now? Ronald McDonald ngl for the sweet sweet invention of double cheeseburgers. Do/did you like you math teacher? I had a crush on both of my maths teachers, Mr. Kelly and Mrs. Hendry, both of which contributed to me turning up to class, but also contributed to me failing said classes bc I was too busy looking at them and being a hormone ridden, horny 16 year old boy, than I was doing maths. Do you often ride the bus? I do, everyday I'm in College. Do you have a fireplace in your house? We do actually it's getting renovated right now. Are you violent when you’re angry? God no! Do you cry when you’re angry? No, I rarely get angry and when I do it can only be described as dry anger. Favourite Harry Potter book? It has to be OotP, fight me. Can you remember your last dream? I can, and let me just say, Chris Pratt, thank you. Do you go to bed early or late? "Do I go to bed?" would be a better question. Do you speak a second language? I speak various levels of different languages. Some if you dropped me in their respective countries I could find my way about, albeit difficultly, and others I can ask for the bar and the bill and that's about it. Who was your first ever best friend? A boy called Dean. Have you ever had an operation? I've had a couple yeah. Tell me about your favourite cousin? His name is Reece and he's a meme loving shit and I love him the whacky bastard. Do you have a piece of clothing that doesn’t even fit you anymore but you can’t bare to throw away? During what can only be described as the Greatest Summer of My Teenage Years; the Legendary Summer of 2014, I wore on my feet almost EVERY DAY a pair of Classic Chuck's, they cost my poor wee mum like £60 the Christmas before but they were too big and when it finally hit summer they fit perfectly. I wore them every time. If you've ever read the book Me Before You or watched the film you'll know what I mean when I say they were my bumblebee tights. Have you ever been in a musical? I played the Cowardly Lion in my school play as a kid. Do you have a porch? I do not. How many times have you watched your favourite movie? At least 100 no joke it has to be. Empire Strikes Back. What do you order at McDonalds? Plain double cheese , small fries, Oasis Summer Fruits and maybe a coffee. Do you get on with old people? Worryingly well. Science Fiction or Romance? Sci-Fi m8. Do you take naps? Anytime I can. How many classes do you/did you take in High School? In my final year I took 3 classes. At its height I think I was doing 9 classes. When did it last snow where you live? A few months back. Does it ever snow where you live? It's Scotland...hahah it very much does. How many months until your birthday? 12 m8. How much charge does your computer have right now? 42%What is your favourite Disney Channel Original Movie? I don't actually think I had one. Sorry. the City or the Sea Side? Jokes on you fool, you can have both. What is your least favourite colour? Beige. Who tf likes being beige. Do you have homework to do? Nah. Are you still friends with your first best friend? I am not. Do you have/are you the gay cousin? I have an asexual cousin, bug more often than not I'm the gay cousin. Do you own dungarees? They can look cute on peeps. Do you like to play sport? I do, not to the extent I used to but yeah. What was your favourite ever Christmas present? My baby nephew. How old are you? Ugh I'm 20. Do you ever use Internet Explorer? Not for s long time. Have you ever had blonde hair? I haven't no. I wanted to but sadly I was a kid. When did you last see the person you have a crush on? Well considering I fall deeply in love with strangers who are nice to me on the train, that question is crazy. Who did you last talk to on the phone? Laura. Pants or Dresses? This question is a lot funnier in the UK and even funnier in Scotland where a man can wear one, but to do so, he's not supposed to wear the other 😉 Do you read fan fiction? Not anymore y'know. What is you’re favourite blog? @mauridianhallow is a pretty cool blog you should check that shit out Do you write poetry? I HAVE written poetry before. Drama or Comedy? How dare you insult The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt by suggesting you can't be both. Have you ever had a hickey? Perhaps...perhaps I have. Perhaps I cannot remember how I got some of them. Perhaps I should stop buying the ENTIRE bar a round of shots knowing all too well that almost every one of these people will offer to buy me drinks all night and then I won't pay shit for another drink until the night is over. Perhaps I should...I won't but I fucking should. And perhaps this has on certain occasions resulted in hickeys I don't know.