#I’m really questioning her judgment bc…

[konigenblobbity]

Request: First Time

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley , F!Reader

18+ MINORS DNI

Warnings: Fluff, NSFW, Virgin reader, insecure reader, tit kisses, neck kisses, mention of sex

Request: [Anon] Could you please do Ghost with a fem!reader who gets insecure for being a virgin at very big girl age with sagging breasts and how do you think Ghost react. Would he be honored and accept being her first or would he reject her altogether bc she is inexperienced?

(I'm in my 19y and I very insecure about my breasts and I still a virgin, so a just wanna a lit of comfort)

Ghost let his hands caress your waist softly, feeling you melt against him as your lips molded against his own. His kiss was soft, slow, gentle… he was relishing every second, and how perfect it felt. You were straddling his lap, arms wrapped around his neck. Both of you in nothing but your undergarments.

You were both on his bed, the room silent expect for your kisses and the low hums he lets out against your lips. This wasn’t the first time you both got caught up in each other arms, spending most of the evening kissing away all your worries and stress.

This time felt different though… Ghost’s touch was softer, his kisses were slower, more passionate, his hands were more brazen as he slid them to your back to the clip of your bra. That’s when you pull away, your breathing heavy, in sync with his own, and your heart racing. You had a dark blush on your face, brows softly furrowed outwards.

Your whole expression read worry, he stopped his hands instantly, looking into your eyes. “I want to make you feel good darling…” his tone was low, but gentle. Telling you exactly what he wanted, while waiting for your next words of encouragement or rejection. He leaned forward and began to kiss you neck, hoping to make you feel safe in his arms.

“I-I’d like that…” you spoke softly, tilting your head back slightly to give him more space on your neck. He still didn’t dare unclip your bra yet, noticing how your body still felt tense under his arms, how you sat stiff on his lap.

“Then what’s wrong lovie? I can sense your unease” his hands move away from your bra, resting back comfortably on the curve of your waist. He pulls away from your neck, looking back into your eyes. “Do you not want to?” his question was sincere, and genuine… not mocking, or judgmental .

You shake your head, looking down at your lap, fingers fidgeting with loose stands of Ghost’s hair on the back of his neck. “I-I want to. I really do… I’ve just never-“ you cut yourself off, feeling insecurity take over, not even able to admit that you were still a virgin.

He brings a hand up to your face, caressing your cheek and tilting your head so you would look him in the eye. “Darling… are you a virgin?” At the question you look away from his eyes, feeling your cheeks heat up and you freeze as your breathing stops for a second, the secret finally being out in the open. Your reaction was enough of an answer.

He leans forward and you feel him press his lips against yours. Simultaneously caressing your cheekbone with his thumb. You were shocked at first but couldn’t help but kiss back. He then mumbled against your lips “I‘ll be gentle… I’ll take it slow, I promise love” you felt your worries begin to dissipate. “Thank you Ghost…” you say back and feel his smile on his lips.

“I’m a lucky man aren’t I?” He pulls away from your lips and you look at him in slight but visible confusion at his words. He tucks a few stray hairs behind your ear “To be your first… to know you trust me enough to allow me to be your first” his words had a sincerity and gratefulness you didn’t expect. As if even holding you was an honor bestowed upon him.

You were listening intently, eyes glazed over with fascination. You’d spent so much time worrying over the day Ghost finds out you’re a virgin, spent so many nights in his arms, mind racing with worry after once again denying him - not that he was ever rude about it or judgmental, he simply nodded and dropped the subject, content with simply holding you.

Now here you were… your secret having been revealed, and you felt nothing but comfort, nothing but warmth, nothing but adoration. You smile down at him, locking eyes with him as you feel his hands move back to your waist. He lifts you off his lap and places you on the bed in front of him.

As he goes to lie you down on the bed, his hands reach to your back, unclipping your bra but not yet taking it off. He lies you down slowly, positioning himself between your legs, leaning over you. He then grabs the straps of your bra, slowly pulling it off your body.

Once it’s off , you immediately wrap your arms around your chest self-consciously. He places his hands on your waist again, softly caressing it as he leans down to kiss you again. You kiss back, letting your eyes flutter shut, melting against the bed.

His hands began to slide up your sides, when they reach your chest he softly grabs your wrists, beginning to pull your arms away. When he feels you resist, he stops but keeps his hands on your wrists. He pulls away, looking down at you, at his gaze you shake your head meekly, as if you know what he was thinking.

He moves his hands off your wrists and up your forearm to your shoulder, softly rubbing up and down. “It’s okay love… lemme see ‘em, I bet they’re beautiful” your lips formed a tight line, pursing them, you lie there unmoving for a few moments, before slowly moving your arms out of the way, and to your sides.

When you finally did, Ghost’s eyes moved down your body, taking in the sight of your bare chest. Once you see his eyes move away from yours, your turn your head to the side, too embarrassed to look at him. Your face turning red and you can’t help how you feel your eyes well up slightly.

You never let Ghost see your breasts before, too insecure about them, too nervous for what he’d think. You always thought they weren’t as they were supposed to be, sagging down instead of standing perky like those of most girls your age.

You gasp, and grip the bedsheets as you feel his hands begin to grope and massage at your breasts. You feel a tremble go through you at the feeling, finally gaining the courage to turn your head back to face him. Your eyes locked with his, unable to calm your shaky breaths.

Your eyes follow him as he leans forward, starting to place kisses on your neck. Those kisses lead down your sternum, finally moving to kiss atop your left breast. It had you humming softly but biting your lip at the same time. He was being so gentle, it was as if he thought you were made of glass, trying to be careful not to break you.

When you let out a particularly shaky breath, he pauses, speaking softly “Do you want me to stop?” You just shake your head, “N-no” You don’t… you really don’t. It felt good, but you couldn’t help but feel shy, being new to all of this, not even sure whether this was supposed to feel as good as it does… because my god it felt good.

He moved to your right breast, placing one kiss before speaking “Good. Now, just relax lovie…” he continued to kiss at your breasts. You couldn’t help but relax as you felt the fabric of his balaclava caress your skin as he moves his lips to make sure he kisses everywhere.

“Let me take care of you…” He was giving every part of you the love and attention he knew you deserved. “So beautiful…” he had you melting under his touch, and after discovering your new insecurity, he planned on showing you just how much he adored that part of you.

That night he worshipped you as if you were an angel, blessing him with your presence. Afterwards he showered you in kisses and praise, making sure to alleviate you of any pain or soreness in your muscles.

You felt him curl up against you, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you back against his chest. Before you fell asleep, you felt his hands move up your body, you smiled as he cupped your breasts gently in his palms, tracing his thumb up and down your skin.

Ever since then he’d use every opportunity he could to massage and caress your breasts, even if it wasn’t in a sensual way. Loving to help you fight away your insecurities, complimenting them when you wore a particularly flattering shirt or dress.

“I adore every part of you, no matter what you might think, or if you want to hide. I can’t help but be left speechless every time I see you love”

[bestworstcase]

Quick question: When and how did you start realizing that fandom tends to be hostile or anti-analysis? Was it just something that happened overtime?

i mean. have you ever made a textually-supported point contradicted by popular fanon? people seethe

but it’s also just sort of baked into what fandom is. the whole concept of ‘headcanon’ is inherently antitextual—things held to be true irrespective of the text—and the whole point of fanworks is to engage transformatively with the text. fandom is explicitly not a community oriented around textual analysis, and while analytical readings can (and do) support and enrich transformative works, they are also just not what fandom is about.

so within fandom receptivity to textual analysis is generally lukewarm and varies widely depending on how closely it happens to align with the fanon, and in my experience fandom has a particular difficulty parsing character analysis outside the blorbo framework (ie liking / disliking / personally identifying with a character).

there is in particular a tendency for analytical readings to get parsed in fandom spaces as critical of the story or the characters being discussed; for example i’ve had explicitly positive character analysis of mine (as in, posts where i directly state my appreciation for or enjoyment of the thing i’m talking about) get reblogged and tagged ‘anti-whatever’ because the thing i’m talking about is, like, a character flaw. or something bad that a character did that caused conflict in the narrative.

and i think that really gets to the heart of the, like, cultural divide between transformative fandom and analytical engagement, because in fandom spaces if you say, for instance, “yang has a hot temper she works hard to keep in check” that is generally going to be understood as a value judgment (either a positive remark on her maturity and emotional discipline or a complaint about her expressions of anger) whereas in an analytical context it’s just an observation that needs to be evaluated in terms of whether the text supports it or not.

the consequence of that is that if i write analytically about the role of anger in yang’s character arc—which is a facet of her that i personally really enjoy and think is done quite well—and if that breaks containment and travels outside of my immediate circle of followers (who presumably follow me because they like reading my analysis and who obv know what i’m about) then odds are it’ll land in front of someone who goes “UGH not ANOTHER person picking on yang for bEiNg AnGrY, she’s got good reasons to be mad when she gets mad and also she doesn’t get mad NEARLY as often as these assholes think” (which is true) (yang almost never loses her temper and she’s very quick to check herself on those occasions; and when she chooses to let it out she’s always justified)—because anger is culturally perceived as bad and the social norm in most fan spaces is that you don’t write lengthy posts focused on a character’s flaws (or ‘flaws’) unless you just think they suck.

(<- this isn’t a hypothetical btw. like i’ve gotten blocked over my yangposting being interpreted in exactly this way grbfksj)

the funny part is that while my analysis intermittently makes people SPITTING MAD, the fanfic i write (which follows from my analysis!) doesn’t. i’m sure there’s plenty of people who don’t like my fanfic, but if i write a character in a way that contradicts the popular fanon what happens is folks will comment stuff like “this is such a cool unique take on this character” brfhkg. and that’s primarily why i think it’s a cultural thing, where textual analysis—with its strict grounding in textual evidence and dismissal of ideas that can’t be supported by the text—gets people’s hackles up bc it’s a) examining the text at an emotional remove and thus hard to parse in a social environment where the primary mode of engagement is driven by emotional attachment to specific characters, and b) often perceived as telling people their headcanons are wrong, which is rude.

(sometimes headcanons ARE wrong, in the sense of being textually refuted. that is the entire point of headcanon. i think the experience of fandom is much improved by keeping this in mind. analysis is never a threat to headcanon because headcanon is supposed to be transformative. equally, headcanon is irrelevant to analysis because analysis is strictly concerned with the text.)

more broadly i just find fandom culture to be interesting in and of itself. so in addition to participating in fandom directly i also lurk a lot and pay attention to cross-fandom phenomena (e.g. migratory sapphic and slash shippers) and read discussions about fandom and that sort of thing. and i think approaching fandom from that perspective, it’s sort of a what it says on the tin situation; fandom is transformative by definition, ‘fuck canon’ is an ubiquitous meme, fanon… exists at all as a concept and is widely celebrated as superior to canon, AUs are terrifically popular, “fix-it” fics are terrifically popular, etc etc.

so i don’t think my view here is even unusual necessarily except insofar as i articulate it in a very precise (and perhaps pedantic) way. like the average person in fandom is probably aware that playing in the sandbox is different from constructing a lego set and that people in the sandbox are, as a general rule, not all that keen to make sand castles in strict accordance with the lego instructions. because it’s sand. lmao

[xoxoavenger]

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

pairing: Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

summary: Steve’s parents always put up a perfect tree with white lights and silver ornaments. When Y/N sees this, she figures out the perfect plan to make sure the tree transforms into Steve’s very own colorful, homemade mess of family. 

word count: 4249

warnings: mentions of child abuse (except technically assault bc steve is 20), steve harrington’s terrible parents, completely hating on white light trees im not sorry

12 Days of Christmas

main masterlist

"You put up a Christmas tree?" Y/N questioned when she came into Steve's house. There was a large, fluffy tree in the corner of the living room, all white lights and silver ornaments, a crystal tree topper bringing the whole theme together.

It was ugly.

"My parents put it up when they came home last week. They won't be back until a couple days before Christmas, so they put it up during Thanksgiving." Steve explained, not seeming too excited about the fact that his parents were leaving him alone for most of December.

Y/N remembered when Steve's parents would only leave on weekends. When he graduated, they stopped coming to even check in, only keeping up appearances every once in awhile. It infuriated Y/N, knowing his parents were probably living separately in another state, not caring about their son who had been to literal hell.

"Where are all your other ornaments?" Y/N tried to ask casually, not wanting to seem judgmental. She walked toward the tree to inspect it, finding that there was nothing more to the tree than the bland frosted tips and the white lights.

"What do you mean?" Steve seemed confused, and Y/N frowned slightly. In her house, her parents had put her homemade ornaments and fun souvenirs all over their tree, multi-colored lights and a festive tree skirt making it feel like home.

"Didn't you make ornaments in school?" She questioned, turning to see Steve frowning.

"Well, yeah," Steve licked his lips, staring at the tree. "I mean, I'm sure those are all in my attic?" It was a question, which was enough to tell Y/N that he had no idea where the ornaments were, only that his parents didn't care to put them on the tree.

"Steve," Y/N put a hand on his shoulder running it down his bicep and bringing him close to her. "I'd put them on my tree." She smiled up at him when he looked down at her, blushing slightly.

"This isn't really my tree anyway." Steve pulled his arm away from her grasp and put it around her, looking at the tree for a few more seconds before Steve turned them both around and began walking toward the kitchen.

"Did you make us hot chocolate?" She asked, eyes lighting up when he grabbed a mug off the counter and handed it to her with a smirk. He shrugged and took a sip, watching her bring it to her lips and take a sip. Her eyes widened when she realized what Steve had actually made. "You made us spiked hot chocolate?" She whispered, even though there was no one else in the house. With everything that had happened that year, it almost made her feel like a normal.

"Of course I did." Steve smirked at her, taking another sip. Y/N did too, and although she couldn't tell what he had spiked the hot chocolate with it tasted well.

"I guess I'm staying over then," She smiled, walking to the couch and flopping down without spilling her hot chocolate. She noticed the movies on the counter that Steve had more than likely stolen from the video store; the good kind too, the Christmas movies everyone wanted to check out. He must've pulled a bunch of strings to get these.

"Okay, let's just pretend you don't have your overnight bag in your car." Steve teased, grabbing her mug and putting it next to his on the coffee table before laying on her, kissing her neck and causing her to giggle and wrap her arms around him.

~

"What's wrong with Steve's tree?" Dustin asked when Y/N unlocked Steve's front door with her own key. All the rest of the kids were with Steve. He had picked them up but had called Y/N from Max's trailer, knowing he wouldn't have time to pick up Dustin and take them all back to Steve's for movie night. They were getting even closer to Christmas now, all the kids only having one week left before their break.

"Um," Y/N, started, licking her lips as she stared at the boring tree. "It's just, uh," She was trying to find a nice way to describe it, even if Steve wasn't there.

"It's boring. And ugly." Dustin blurted out, walking closer to inspect it.

"No, it's just organized." Y/N decided on, but she found that she wanted to grab one of the stupid silver balls and throw it against a wall just to watch it shatter.

"Where are all the other ones?" Dustin asked, grabbing an ornament and plucking it off the tree. "These ones are stupid." Could always count on Dustin to speak the truth that was on his mind.

"Dustin," Y/N scolded, grabbing the ornament and putting it back on the tree. "Steve's parents put this up. So we can't say anything about it's short-comings, alright?" Y/N crossed her arms.

"I'm going to make him a whole new tree." Dustin commented before moving to the kitchen, seemingly done with the whole idea. It gave Y/N a great one, however, and her mind lit up.

"That's a great idea!" She said, hoping the kids wouldn't think they were too old for what she was about to suggest.

"What is?" Dustin asked, head buddies inside a cabinet as he searched for snacks.

"Why don't you get everyone to make Steve a homemade ornament!" She was getting way too excited, she knew by the way Dustin slowly pulled his head away to look at her. "He would be so happy, oh my gosh." Y/N was thinking of the way Steve would react when he received hand made presents from his favorite people.

"Right," She could tell Dustin was trying to sound like a grown-up, but from the upturned corners of his eyes she could tell he knew it was a great idea.

"Steve can't know," Y/N reminded him, and she almost laughed at the look he gave her.

"What is this, amateur hour?"

~

"Why isn't your tree lit up?" Y/N asked, even though she knew exactly why his tree wasn't lit up with those stupid white lights.

"I don't know. I think a bulb is out." He said, glancing to the side before going back to the movie they were watching. Y/N had given herself fifteen minutes before she asked, and now she had to be chill. This needed to seem like a coincidence.

"Oh, gosh." She muttered, settling into his side and counting to thirty in her head. "Ya know, I think I have some lights in my car." She stared at the movie as she felt Steve move around to stare at her.

"Y/N," Steve started reaching forward and pausing the movie. "Why the hell do you have tree lights in your car?" Because I unscrewed the first couple bulbs in your lights to make sure none of them worked.

"I was going take them back for my parents." She lied. She had picked them up on the way over to Steve's house. "But I'm sure they won't mind if you use them. After all, a Christmas tree without lights is just a tree."

"Okay," Steve sounded skeptical, but he still followed Y/N out to her car and carried the box of lights in.

"Oh, shoot," She muttered as she took the lights out of the box. "I guess they left some ornaments in here." She held up the couple of ornaments she had also bought from the store. One was a basketball, and the other was two penguins with cute scarves leaning into each other.

"Did they?" Now Steve was definitely onto her, but she would never tell him the truth.

"Yeah." She sighed, then held them up to his tree. "They look better on your's anyway." She smiled at him, and he just shook his head and leaned down to unplug the old, white lights.

"They're colored." Steve said, looking at the bulbs.

"Believe it or not, tree lights can be other colors." She smirked. Steve grabbed the basketball ornament, holding it up.

"I guess ornaments can be too." He smirked, looking at her in a way that made her blush, because he had to of known she had brought the obvious ornaments for him.

"This'll be fun!" Y/N said, smiling ear to ear as she turned the radio in the kitchen to the Christmas station. Steve returned the smile, grabbing a chair to be able to reach the top of the large tree.

"Here, I'll hand you the ornaments and you can put them on the couch." Steve told her, taking off a couple of the boring white and silver ones. Y/N contemplated 'accidentally' dropping them on the ground, but decided against it, incase Steve would want to redecorate the tree before his parents got home.

Part of her hoped his parents came home to see the tree all decorated by his real family and have an aneurysm.

"Careful with this." He said, taking the crystal tree topper off, gently handing it to Y/N. Her heart swelled at her thought process. Maybe Steve did have something important on his tree.

"Is it a family heirloom?" She asked, secretly hoping that at least something on the tree had sentimental value.

"What? No," Steve chuckled, and Y/N tried not to deflate as she set the topper on the coffee table, just incase. "It's just expensive, probably. I'd imagine that's real crystal." He grabbed the colored lights and plugged them in, and Y/N tried to contain her glee as they lit up. When he was done putting them around the tree, it already looked so much different.

"Here." Y/N bypassed the topper and made Steve put the penguin ornament up first. He stared at the ornament for a moment, taking it in, and then put it front and center.

Where it should be.

By the time all the other ornaments were up, the tree still looked somewhat boring but at least it was a start. Y/N couldn't wait for the day when the branches would be weighed down the homemade ornaments. She squeezed Steve's hand at the thought, smiling up at him when he squeezed back.

She was going to make this their tree.

~

"Are you sure you can't make it to Will's?" Dustin begged. Everyone was at Steve's to give them their presents two days before Christmas, since he wouldn't be able to go to the Byers for Christmas. They had been going back and forth between Steve opening someone's gift and then him giving them a gift. So far Steve had got Lucas a Pacers jersey, and Lucas got Steve an ornament made out of a Hawkins High jersey that Lucas definitely didn't 'lose' last year. Erica had made Steve an ornament with yarn using his favorite colors and popsicle sticks, while she had received a First Edition American Girl Doll. She couldn't even act like it was childish because she was so excited. El made Steve an ornament out of clay that had so much glitter it got everywhere when Steve picked it up, but he still smiled and thanked her as he handed her a box containing a cute beanie in her favorite color. Mike had given Steve an ornament of a ceramic radio, and he tried to act nonchalant when Steve gifted him a signed copy of his favorite book.

"If my parents don't show up, I promise I'll be there." Steve said it lightly, but Y/N heard the sadness in his voice. She hoped his parents showed up, but she also knew the bad place Steve's head would be in after his parents' visit.

"Is it bad to hope your parents don't show up?" Max asked, handing Steve her present. Steve was starting to see the pattern with all the kids' gifts, but he enjoyed all of them.

"Just a little bit." Nancy said with a small smile. Since the younger kids couldn't stay as long, the older ones were going to do a small gift exchange afterward and indulge in some alcoholic beverages and spend the night, leaving early in the morning.

"I still hope they don't show up." Max confessed as Steve took the tissue paper out of the bag and smiled at yet another ornament. This one was a cute little car that somewhat looked like Steve's, which made him laugh softly as he thought of how Max had drove his car when he had been knocked out by her brother.

"Thank you," Steve smiled, handing the ornament to Y/N, who was carefully putting them in a box for later as he handed Max her present from him.

"No," Max said as she looked at the box, already knowing what it was. "Steve," She whispered, ripping the wrapping paper and opening the box to reveal the skateboard she knew was in there. She looked up at the ceiling, trying not to cry as she caught a glimpse of the back of it, which was decorated with a bunch of arcade game characters.

"Do you like it?" Steve asked, eyes wide with hope.

"Yes, you idiot." Max said, sniffling and blinking before moving back in the group.

"Alright, last ones, come on," Y/N said, looking out the window to see Karen waiting to pick up the kids. Will smiled as he moved forward, handing Steve a small box. He opened it to see a homemade clay ornament of his bat, complete with the nails. He chuckled as he held it up, and everyone laughed with him.

"This is amazing." Steve said with a huge smile. "Thank you, Will." Y/N watched all the kids look annoyed that Will had made the best ornament, and she smiled as she leaned down to hand Steve the gift from Will.

Everyone watched as Will unwrapped his gift, which Y/N had actually found and agreed to let Steve give to Will. It was a couple of limited edition Star Wars drinking glasses, and Will smiled and thanked Steve after getting a good look.

"Alright, dumbass," Steve said, smiling down at Dustin, who was smiling.

"Let me open mine first." The younger boy said, grabbing putting his poorly wrapped box behind his back. Steve rolled his eyes and leaned down to grab Dustin's gift.

Steve had freaked out about Dustin's gift. He hadn't known what to get the boy who he saw as a brother. Y/N had to help him pick between numerous gifts, trying not to laugh as he put way too much thought into it.

Dustin ripped into his gift, a Super Mario Bros Nintendo Game & Watch. Dustin was silent as he stared at the game. Steve stared as he waited for Dustin to say something. His head was down, so they couldn't see his reaction.

"Dustin?" Y/N asked softly, leaning forward. Before she could figure out what Dustin was feeling, the boy launched himself at Steve, who let out a grunt as he was knocked back.

"Thank you," Dustin cried, and Y/N watched as Steve let out a breath of relief and wrapped his arms around him.

"Of course," Steve responded, eyes closing as he enjoyed the hug. Y/N looked at Nancy, the two almost crying at the interaction. After everyone had composed themselves, Dustin handed a small box to Steve.

"I wonder what it is?" Steve joked, smirking as he opened up an object wrapped in tissue paper. He smirked as he opened it, but the smirk was instantly dropped when he saw what the ornament was.

This one was one of the homemade dough ones in the shape of a circle, Dustin's handwriting in the middle reading 'Best Brother Ever.'

Steve looked over at Dustin and immediately was crying.

After that everyone erupted in chaos, all the kids wanting to put their ornaments on the tree as Karen honked the horn outside.

"Mine needs to be at the top!" Max yelled, pushing Dustin away.

"I'm sorry, did your's make him cry?" Dustin screamed back, pushing.

"How about neither of your's get to be at the top?" Mike said, and the other two both rolled their eyes.

"You didn't even make a homemade one!" El said, helping Will and Erica take off the boring ornaments.

"Let's all just calm down." Nancy said, watching the tree shake.

"I'm gonna go get a bag for all the paper." Steve said, kissing Y/N's temple and walking out of the room.

"Smart man." Jonathan said, rolling his eyes as he watched the kids continue fighting. Y/N shook her head as she scoffed.

"Should we do something? That tree looks a little too close to falling." Robin interjected. Y/N nodded, but just as she went to stop the kids the star on top of the tree came tumbling down. Everyone was silent as it shattered, the sound ringing out.

"Everyone stay still!" Steve ordered, however it wasn't in a harsh voice; it was the voice he used when the Upside Down monsters were getting too close. All the kids looked over to him with wide eyes, but he was just staring at the ground.

"Steve," Y/N whispered, not sure how he would react to this. The topper didn't have an emotional value, but Y/N knew that Steve's parents wouldn't be too thrilled about it.

"El, Will, Lucas, Erica, you all walk that way." Steve pointed away from the shattered remains, and the kids silently obeyed, leaving Max, Dustin, and Mike standing in the mess.

"I'm so sorry." Max whispered, and Y/N could tell her eyes were wet with tears.

"We can fix it, look, it's not even that-"

"Dustin stop!" Steve cut off the younger boy, who was now crouched as he tried to put the bigger pieces together in the silver frame. Dustin looked over, and Y/N could tell he was about to freak out. She knew Steve was trying to make sure none of the kids would get hurt. That was his number one priority.

"I didn't mean to, I promise, I just," Dustin drifted off, voice high and tight as he tried not to cry.

"Are you guys okay?" Steve asked, walking over and grabbing the large pieces and putting them in the bag he had grabbed. "You weren't cut, were you?" His words shocked the kids, who were just staring at him, petrified.

"You aren't mad?" Mike asked, breaking the ice. "You aren't gonna yell at us?"

"Are you hurt?" Steve repeated, completely ignoring Mike's questions.

"No," Max shook her head, bringing her hands up to wipe her tears.

"Okay," Steve held up the silver frame that the crystal used to be in, and as he stared at it Y/N heard the thoughts in his head.

His parents were going to kill him.

"Put your ornaments on the tree and let's grab your stuff." Y/N said to the kids, who finished their original task and grabbed their jackets, all watching Steve, who was now sitting on the floor with the remains in his hand.

"We can replace it!" Dustin said, and Y/N just gave him a tight lipped smile.

"Let's talk about this later." She told him, herding the rest of the kids out of the house and promising to update them and apologize to Steve for them.

"Are you alright?" Robin was at Steve's side, who was still blank faced.

"My parents are actually gonna kill me." Steve muttered, looking up to Y/N with wide eyes. She was with him in no time, wiping away the remaining pieces of crystal to sit with him. She wrapped her arms around him, trying to calm him somehow.

"It'll be alright." She told him, kissing his shoulder. Steve just shook his head, shrugging Y/N and Robin off as he stood, throwing the silver frame in the bag.

"Oh God," Steve said, staring at the tree, which was fully decorated in the kid's ornaments and the multicolored lights and a couple of the branches were bent, but the tree finally looked like his, not his mom's or his dad's.

Oh yeah, they were gonna kill him.

~

"You're sure his parents came?" Max asked, clearly feeling guilty about breaking the tree topper the day prior. Everyone was at the Byers on Christmas Eve night, the kids having a plan to stay awake until Christmas.

"He got a call from them this morning." Y/N confirmed with a sad smile. She took a bite of one of the Christmas cookies she had helped Joyce with that afternoon, after she left Steve's house. She wasn't sure what he was going to do about the tree topper, but she knew he was going out to get white lights for the tree, which made her sad.

"Have you heard from him since?" Lucas asked, and by now all the kids were listening intently.

"No." She shook her head with a frown. She hadn't tried calling him, because she didn't want his parents to pick up. They knew that her and Steve was dating her, but like most things with their son, they chose to ignore it.

"Is he okay?" Dustin asked, catching the attention of Hopper, who was very well versed in the rumors about the Harrington family.

"Yes," Y/N said with an awkward chuckle. Hopper caught her eye, and she pulled her lips in.

"Have you talked to him?" Hop asked, sitting forward in his chair.

"No, but I'm sure he's fine." Y/N lied.

"Maybe I should go check." Hopper said, standing.

"Can I come?" Y/N stood, heart racing as she realized her and Hopper were on the same page.

"What's going on?" Joyce asked, looking at Nancy for clarification, but it seemed everyone else was just as confused.

"I'm going to pick Steve up." Hopper announced, no room for arguing.

"But his parents," Robin started, and Y/N just gave her look with her eyebrows raised, because there was no need to freak the kids out.

"What's going on?" Erica asked, eyes wide with fear and confusion.

"It's fine, we're just gonna go get Steve so he can be with us." Y/N smiled. Before anyone could say anything, there was a knock at the door.

"Are you expecting anyone else?" Hopper asked Joyce, who was rushing to the door.

"No," She stepped back to let Hopper open the door, covering the opening with his body. He was silent, and Joyce and Y/N tried to look around his body.

"Who is it?" Joyce asked, finally making the cop move out of the way.

"Steve?" Y/N asked, seeing the boy standing with a large box. He had a bright red mark across his cheekbone, one that was swelling and slowly turning less bright and more purple.

"Come in, honey." Joyce put a hand on his back and pulled him inside.

"What happened?" Y/N whispered when Steve was inside, tracing a light thumb over it. He just shook his head as he moved to kiss her hand.

"Just say the word, kid." Hopper said, clapping his shoulder as a silent understanding passed between them.

"I couldn't bring anything for dinner, but I brought some stuff for the tree." Steve said as he walked into the living room with the kids. They all gathered around as he opened the box to reveal all the ornaments they had given him. "My dad tried to break them." He said quietly, and Y/N caught Hopper's eye as they realized how Steve had gotten the mark.

Steve took a beating to keep the ornaments the kids gave him.

"Well," Steve smiled at all the kids, who looked like a mix between sad and confused. "What're you doing just standing here? Put them on the tree." He nodded at the Byers' tree, and the kids all reached in to grab their ornaments, much more calm about putting them up this time.

"You brought the penguins." Y/N said, looking in the box and seeing the ornaments she had gotten him. She went to grab them when she realized that there was an extra one in there, face down. She grabbed it and flipped it around, seeing a picture of them on the ceramic circle. She felt the tears well as she stared at it, looking up at him.

"I actually had Jonathan do it before I knew what you set the kids up to." He told her, and she just smirked.

"I have no idea what you mean." But they both knew she was lying. They shared a smile and grabbed the remaining ornaments, putting them on the crowded tree. When it was done, everyone stood back to take it in. Steve put his arm around Y/N and decided this was the tree he wanted from now on - no more plain trees.

"We made you something." Dustin said, and Steve turned to see the kids all crowded around, Dustin with his arms around his back.

"It's not crystal," Max said as an apology. Steve's eyes widened as he realized what was going on.

"You guys," He started, but then Dustin was thrusting his arms out and Steve was met with a star made from cardboard. It looked pretty decent, and Steve felt his eyes water as he turned it to see the back, which all the kids had signed for him.

"You did this for me?" Steve asked softly, letting a couple tears fall.

"Will made the cardboard, but we decorated." El explained, and Steve smiled as he realized why there was glitter on one corner.

"Thank you," He whispered, letting them all crowd him and hug him.

"Put it on the tree," Joyce nodded to the tree, which didn't have a topper yet. Steve looked surprised, but still stood on the side of the couch and reached over, putting the star at the top where it belonged. He jumped down and grabbed Y/N close, and she wrapped her arms around him. She blushed as he kissed her forehead.

"Merry Christmas, Steve." She whispered as the kids began singing Deck the Halls around them.

"Merry Christmas, Y/N."

//

tags: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @roxaya @sadbitchfangirl @gloryekaterina @lostcause1 @oblivion-void @alexshaff2002 @m-rae23 @icequeen1371 @freezaz123 @mads-weasley 

(if your name is crossed out it means that for some reason I could not tag you)

[itsjaywalkers]

Hi! I hope you’re doing well. I had a question about how you perceive Lily. I know you’ve written pandalily & bartylily (and I have loved them both!!!) and also she’s shipped with James. I’m curious if who you prefer her with or who you think she’s most compatible with? Or do you think it depends on the context/environment? I just really love how you write Lily. Usually she seems like the perfect girl and has no flaws and that’s just so boring to me. But when people give her flaws and bad judgment and conflicts, I like her so much more cuz she’s so relatable. And you’ve written her so well. So I was just wondering if you tend to ship her more with Pandora or barty or James or whoever and why. Anyways, have a great day!

hey nonnie <3 i'm okay!! i hope you're also doing good!!

i do think it depends on the context and on how you choose to portray lily. i know my version of her is not the most common one, so my answer isn't probably true to someone else's lily yk?? for example, i don't think bartylily could ever work in a canon compliant context for obvious reasons. but when you put them in a modern au there's Potential and i can see them working just fine!! there's a reason why i ship them after all

regardless, and when speaking about MY lily, i think she's the most compatible with pandora!! lily has been put on a pedestal her whole life, there's many expectations for her and a lot of pressure, and everyone assumes she's gonna end up marrying a good man and creating a family. and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!! but i feel like it's more interesting to explore what would happen if, deep down, she didn't want any of this. she's written as a Saint, a Mother even before she was born. she barely feels human, or real, and she doesn't seem to have a single flaw, apart from having a bit of a temper (and it isn't even painted as a flaw anyway). i want something different for her, because that's what makes her compelling as a character to me. pandora is someone i see as volatile, morally grey and who doesn't really care about what others think or have to say about her. she focuses on self-preservation. she's incredibly smart and shares that hunger for knowledge lily also has, but she approaches learning in a vastly different way. i say this all the time: they bring the worst out in each other. but i believe that's what lily truly needs, and what's bound to make her the happiest. she needs someone who will not only see her as real, and human, and messy, and the ordinary girl she actually is, but who will also encourage and support her darker side, her ambition, push her to embrace her ugliest parts. someone who doesn't expect anything from her

besides, there's a lot of potential for angst in a canon context, which i love too, bc lily is always going to choose to Fight, especially considering her kind are the ones being actually threatened. and pandora is always gonna choose to survive, what suits her best, even if that means staying neutral and going into hiding

i do think she's compatible with james too, despite my general dislike of jily. BUT i can't see them working in the long term

and i fucking adore her with barty as u all already know, i just enjoy pandalily a bit more (usually, at least, bc bartylily have been taking over my life lately lol)

also, thank you darling!! u loving my lily this much is such a huge compliment <3 she's my fav character alongside james, so i adoreeee writing her and talking about her and just !! seeing her act messy and make mistakes and be angry !!

i hope you have an amazing day too <333

[tonariofjananda]

For the ask game: Tonari - 5, 7, and 12!

Heya Ray! Ok here goes

5) What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Honestly I’ve got a handful, most for maybe a line or two of association, but the first one that came to mind when reading this question that’s completely hers in my head was “The Moon Will Sing” by the Crane Wives. I love imagining the song as her reflecting on her dad, friends, Hayase, and Fushi, and how they’ve all contributed to the way she feels about herself and her legacy. Fun fact, the association came about from my mishearing of a line as “I shine only with the life you gave me,” the original word being “light” instead of “life.” But the more I reflected on the song, the more I felt her presence in it (I described this to my best friend as Tonari clawing her way to the surface lol), especially in the third verse. That one in particular draws a really vivid image to me of what Tonari’s headspace must have been right after Fushi pulled her away from the flames. I imagine she’s remorseful that she couldn’t give her friends a better life and is rallying to find her courage to kill them before Fushi steps in. “Instead you hoarded all that’s left of me” is a complicated little line too, filled with the bitterness and confusion at Fushi of keeping her from death. There’s not much left of her with the death of her friends, what Fushi did was selfish, but also implies Tonari didn’t realize Fushi cared if she lived or died. Then he takes the sword from her hands, “swallowing your doubt,” and she’s… grateful, angry, upset… but most of all, she acknowledges the mutual hesitance between herself and Fushi, even though they both know this is the only course of action. Even though it makes her feel like he’s taking the sword through her own body. He might as well be. The line “I want to feel the fire that you kept from me” is the most straightforward in my opinion, and what really solidified this song as being hers for me. It’s a little funny what I’ve done here tbh. The song probably meant the line as “i want to become the person you stopped me from being, I want to regain the life that was supposed to be mine,” but for this Tonari interpretation, I’ve given it the opposite implication… cough

Anyway, the chorus also kind of ties in with another song I somewhat associate with her, “Your Best American Girl” by Mitski, for the lines “Well I’m not the moon/I’m not even a star,” but I’ll spare you the analysis for that and “Goodbye My Danish Sweetheart” (also by Mitski) til… later 👀❗️

For now, I’ll leave you with the three following, lighter songs: Laufey called “Best Friend,” which I listen to as something directed towards the immortal army as a whole; “Wings,” by So!YoON! and Phum Viphruit as a song between her and Ligard and Fushi woah who said that; and “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri bc immortalism and the heartbreak of waiting to reunite with someone. Also please imagine the second verse as being from Fushi’s perspective on getting not just her but all of their friends back at the end of the past era arc with potentially rough implications for their thought process in the modern arc WHO SAID THAT

7) What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

(Lyn asked me this too so I’ll cover it here for the two of ya!)

Tbh… I just like it when anyone talks about her ówò Tonari tends to get overlooked- even tho I’d argue she’s something of a deuteragonist- so I really just love whenever people acknowledge her importance to the story and show some enthusiasm for her plotlines. In terms of stories and fan art, it’s always awesome to see all the different sides of her shine through! Tonari’s badass, bitchy, and a little judgmental, but she’s also fashionable, studious, and warm, especially toward March and Eko. It’s also nice to see the occasional silliness she used to show on Jananda shine through every now and then. She’s changed a lot by the next arc, for obvious reasons, but she was pretty silly to Hisame when she was inviting herself to dinner, I don’t think all that playfulness should just disappear! So it’s nice to see fans playing with Tonari without vilifying her ;w; Also without reducing her to her feelings for Fushi, because yeah she has some but that’s not the only thing she’s about (even tho…. I fixate a lot… on that particular subject……… cough). While I’m on the subject, I really love that most ToFu art is limited to things like gentle physical affection. A head on a shoulder (I spent hours running around my house when you sent me that pic Ray, HOURS), a meaningful hug, and touching hands- an absolute must if you like em. I’m definitely getting carried away now though…

12) What's a headcanon you have for this character?

(Limit yourself, limit yourself, limit yourself…!!!)

(Also Coop if you’re reading this, the green one is the only safe one lol)

Bisexual Tonari is an obvious one, I’m convinced she was attracted to Parona’s form (who isn’t in this show tho lmao), and I find those ship posts between Tonari and Mizuha to be so fun tbh. Enemies to lovers maybe, invited to hold hands with her and Hanna! That theory you had about Nagisa having a crush on Tonari lives in my head rent free too, absolutely canon to me. Actually the MizuNariHanna stuff would be extra funny in a world where Nagisa has a crush on Tonari bc now Mizuha’s a girl stealer too! Nagisa just can’t win!!!

Tonari loves writing! And she’s a woman in STEM! Not a headcanon just fact but it lays down the groundwork for my following headcanon: she probably went away to grad school or something. Bon asked if Tonari knew how to do surgery, implying to my insane head that she’s probably gone away for school or something, maybe even received a doctorate, but Bon doesn’t know what for. Her stitches look a bit spaced out and wonky tbh, so she probably doesn’t have the patience for things like needlepoint. I’d wager her calling probably isn’t physical art either haha.

She absolutely goes drinking with the immortal trio + Bon and maybe Gugu once she’s old enough to do so (… would Hairo drink? Designated driver Hairo Rich, but also it’d be so funny if he’s completely normal in the stupidest way while drunk. “Stands like perfectly normal but topples over the second he goes to take a step” typa drunk- BUT THIS ISNT ABOUT HIM SORRY). I think they’d love having Tonari around to pal around with! I imagine that old Jananda arc silliness comes out full force then, if her excitement at Mizuha’s birthday was anything to go off ✌️

(This one’s safe Coop!) Her hair’s been short and choppy since before she got to Jananda so I like to think she did that little kid thing where she tried cutting her own hair and it came out looking uneven. Instead of letting her parents fix it though, she just insisted it wasn’t a mistake and wore it out like that for years. Then when she got to Jananda all the scissors sucked so she just had to keep cutting her hair in the same shabby way. Mia and Oopa having long hair is so funny to me too cuz I imagine they wouldn’t let Tonari get anywhere near them with scissors in her hand (OK stop reading here Coop!)

While I’m here, i think Tonari probably sees a little bit of her old friends in the immortal army tbh. Like, @/alphaofdarkness made the connection that March probably reminded Tonari of Oopa ;; So I feel like Gugu could remind Tonari of Uroy in some ways too, like in the buff, blond, older brother figure kind of way. Eko could remind her of young Sandel in the same way both were kind of upbeat and cute, but quiet in a way that they faded a little in the group (my brother INSISTED Sandel had NOT been there the entire time we were watching the Jananda arc). Meanwhile Messar might remind her of the older Sandel, the kind who probably was more like a brotherly shithead to her after all their years of growing up together. And Mia… imma be honest Mia’s weird as hell, chair fighting, curly hair collecting? Ain’t nobody doing it like Mia 🫡 ACTUALLY ITS BON, BON TOTALLY REMINDS HER OF MIA LMAO

OK IM ENDING IT THERE (Believe it or not this is me limiting myself, I’d typed out an entire section on Tonari’s relationship with each of the members of the immortal army). Hope these were decent enough responses to your questions Ray!

If you- or anyone- has anymore questions on Tonari or literally anyone else please feel free to send them! I have thoughts on like literally everyone, no character too obscure ✌️

[blueywrites]

If you’re making edits to your TKYM series, you may want to edit the section where you insinuate Chrissy “needs” a padded/push up bra. If you had written that a plus sized character was wearing spanx and that it slimmed their stomach, but as a thin reader “you’re not wearing one because you don’t need it” I don’t think that would not read well. Not saying this bc I’m a Chrissy fan, I don’t really care for her and didn’t like her in your series(which I believe is the point). It’s just unnecessary

Hi, nonny! I’ve been away, and I was made aware of some anon asks on other blogs about me and TKYM, and I think maybe those were from you? I know you sent this to me after I reblogged this post and mentioned wanting to make changes to my story when I returned from my trip, so if you thought I was ignoring you, I promise I wasn't! I think you sent this ask on Thursday or Friday last week, and I was packing and driving lol.

Regardless, I wanted to take the opportunity here to address your concern. Please, if you are this anon and/or if you have any follow-up questions, come to my inbox and we can discuss! I would like to have an open conversation with you about this, because while I do understand why this line could have been taken as veiled criticism or judgmental of people with smaller breasts, I promise you that was absolutely not my intention. I also saw (maybe not you, but other people) saying that the line was in there just to dog on Chrissy because I don't like her, and that is equally untrue.

Screenshots of TKYM and explanation below the cut!

For reference, here's the part in Ch. 4 of TKYM that refers to the use of a padded bra, which Chrissy purchases with Reader when they're out shopping together:

First, I totally agree with you that in isolation, the line reasonably appears to be saying that Chrissy's small breasts are undesirable, and that could make readers with small breasts feel bad about themselves. However, I think the nuance changes when you view the line in the context of the larger work. Later in that same chapter, Chrissy's breasts in that padded bra are described with flattering language:

And, in the previous chapter, Reader also looks at Chrissy's smaller breasts and feels insecure because she sees them as preferable to her own:

The narration isn't observing that Chrissy's breasts are inferior because they are small; the mention that she chooses a padded bra and Reader doesn't need one is intended as an objective observation. Reader doesn't need the assistance of a padded bra for cleavage because her breasts are large and have natural cleavage, but she also admires Chrissy's small breasts and prefers them in that moment when she compares the two.

So, okay, maybe the intention wasn't to be critical. You also asked the question, why include those lines about the padded bra in the first place? The descriptions of their different choices in lingerie are there to show that each woman has chosen a set that fits her preferences - Chrissy wears something bright pink, padded, and strappy because that is her style. She wants her breasts to be lifted because she prefers maximum cleavage, just like she prefers keeping herself shaved bare beneath her revealing underwear. It's there as indirect characterization to show her personality, just like Reader's sheer, delicate lace shows her personality. She has chosen a bra that is unlined and boned with underwire to provide the right amount of support that she prefers for her breast type.

Then, here's the final question: is the word 'needed' really needed in this sentence? Well, after thinking on it a bit, a better way to express that a padded bra wouldn't work right on Reader could be to say, "That style of bra doesn't suit you; you have enough going on as it is." I think once the word "need" is taken out, the intention behind the statement becomes more clear. When I make my adjustments to TKYM for inclusivity, which I have yet to do, I will also make this adjustment to reword this part too.

I know that some took your ask on that other blog as an opportunity to attack my character, so this is not directed at you, but I would like to add this:

I am human and I make mistakes, but I am not condescending or rude. I don't think I'm better than anyone. I'm just a neurodivergent writer trying to balance my online life with the rest of my life, and sometimes that means I have to take more energy to respond to things. If I reblog something before I answer your ask, it really is not because I'm ignoring you - it's just because I am waiting for when I have enough brain power to reply, just like I do with text messages and emails and phone calls.

Thanks for reading! 💙

[oysters-aint-for-me]

my grandmother has dementia - not too too bad but like, definitely has it. my parents and i are her caretakers, and my father keeps getting annoyed at her for “lying” or being “rude” and the thing is that my grandmother USED to lie a little and be kind of rude, it’s true. but at this point i’m like?!! father why are you acting so surprised and personally offended when she says something weird these days?? why are you trying to make sense of it?? she’s in the hospital atm and my dad s visiting her and she asked my father if he was going to tell her doctors about the skin cancer all over her face. she’s never had skin cancer. my father is like WHAT is she talking about?! she’s crazy! why would she lie! and i’m like YEAH ITS CALLED DEMENTIA DUDE. her brain doesn’t WORK right anymore. there’s no sense to be made! she’s just confused!!! uuugh and every day when we talk he has to go through every strange thing she’s said that day or every question she asked over and over like it’s this annoying thing that she’s doing intentionally, like it’s some kind of actual thing to work out, and the thing is she USED to be like that, she has always been rude and passive aggressive and obtuse and judgmental, but she’s not going to change now. she’s 96. she has dementia.

and i know my dad is the kind of person that likes to vent about shit to process it and to cope with stress. while i’m not that way at all. i prefer to hide away like an injured animal and tend to my wounds alone but he needs to talk and i respect that. it’s just the WAY that he talks about this stuff. like it’s unexpected. like there’s no explanation for it. like she’s doing it intentionally. and i don’t know how to respond other than sayingy “yeah that’s pretty normal with dementia patients” uuugh

they also didn’t notice she had dementia for a long time, and she wasn’t even officially diagnosed until earlier this year, but when i came home in march 2020 i noticed right away. all the classic signs. asking questions over and over. thinking i was my mother. not knowing people’s names. telling stories wrong. telling doctors completely made up things. at one point my parents were talking about all this, and i was like “well, you guys know she has dementia right?” and they were like “…does she?” and then it was like another THREE YEARS until she finally got diagnosed (and that was because she kept “lying” to doctors and they had no reason not to believe her which then caused concern bc she told the doctors she lived alone and the doctors were upset with my parents for letting a 96 year old frail lady live alone when really we live with her and one of us is in the same room as her about 2/3 of the day)

ugh sorry i’m just frustrated with it all. i feel like i am always the only one to believe and remember harsh truths like this and it’s so frustrating!

[flatbstanley]

🎂 for justin (i have a hunch about his zodiac sign and i need to confirm bc he reminds me of someone ik irl lmao)

and 🤍💔for taylor !

🎂 BIRTHDAY CAKE — when is your oc's birthday? how old are they? what are their sun, moon, & rising signs (if known)? what about their tarot card, ruling planet, & ruling number (if known)? do they fit the typical traits of these sun, moon, & rising signs?

I don’t know much about astrology or tarot beyond the basic star signs (and Justin most definitely doesn’t put any stock in those things). So I’m going to stick with the very basics here.

Justin’s birthday is May 14, making him a Taurus. He’s a few months shy of his 39th birthday at our current point in the story. When I looked up his birthdate and found out he was a Taurus, my first thought was “bullheaded…yep, that fits.” A little further reading tells me that they can be argumentative, stubborn, and possessive. So yeah…definitely a Taurus.

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

1) Taylor is very loyal. Not a bad thing, but she needs to take a hard look at exactly what she’s loyal to.

2) She trusts easily and shares things quickly in new relationships. This has worked out in her friendships with Ayla and Kelly. In her relationship with Justin…not so much.

3) She has a lot of confidence in her own abilities. Again, not a bad thing, but it’s a large part of why she’s in over her head with Justin—she spent way too long believing she could handle him.

💔 BROKEN HEART — what are three of your oc's negative traits?

1) Taylor has a very narrow worldview. We’ll see more of this in the arc I’m working on, but she’s always lived an upper middle class life and doesn’t really understand what things are like outside that bubble.

2) She has a judgmental streak. She’s far more subtle about it than Justin is, but it’s definitely there.

3) She’s got some toxic positivity going on. I think this was always a small part of her personality, but having to curate her image as an influencer has really magnified it.

[hazelcephalopod]

*sigh* As someone who mainly watches the Good Doctor… for reasons… despite its many, many flaws. At least it’s the last season and soon I will be free. a) I was elated to see Kayla Cromer in something. I even like Charlie, I think some of her writing fucking sucks. Specifically, she’s very similar to Shaun in many respects, both are very opinionated and very outspoken and have a lot of issues reading social cues from others. (I have thought onthe general writing of autistic characters but that’s a different and more complex point and others have likely made it) anyway. Their similarities are part of the reason they clash so severely, while some of their differences -Charlie’s needs more stimuli and externalizes her thoughts, I think and Shaun needs far less stimuli and internalizes a lot. That and imo Shaun has a lot of internalized ableism and trauma from working through his residency in abysmal conditions that he’s taking out on her. (Plz someone make this man go to therapy) She’s been there like two weeks. She needs consistent rules and boundaries set for her. She needs to be have a time to ask all of her questions and review her progress in a non-judgmental space. However she does need to learn better workplace etiquette and appropriate workplace conversation, I’m not arguing she’s not flawed by any means. But she deserves some grace -we’ll get more to that. Shaun changed tactics and rules every other day and gets mad at her for nothing. Tbh. He maybe shouldn’t be her teacher and the hospital shouldn’t force that, or needs to remind him to settle on boundaries and give it a week to see if she progresses in following those rules. But again, s/x accommodation is not forcing two disabled people with conflicting needs to work with each other if not absolutely necessary.

Now what more concerns me about her is that the fandom… fucking sucks in their rxn to her from what I’ve seen. This is what I mean by her deserving some grace, Bc in the show admittedly a lot of characters are giving it to her. She’s like what? 21? Probably never worked before, a med student. I’d guess has AuDHD and probably other disabilities and also. imho she is written to challenge Shaun, so that he has to learn more flexibility and learn how to be a better teacher -and therefore a better father. The fact that she’s written very similarly to Shaun, but also oppositional to him and still needs to learn a lot that he has come a long way on mean people are… not reacting well to this head strong ND young woman and I do think it’s because of the intersection of her gender and disabilities. Is that entirely the writers fault? Admittedly no. But I think it could have been executed better.

b) Asher wasn’t a perfect character but he kinda was my favorite one on this show. So uh. Killing him -very probably, I’d love to be wrong- in the middle of the last season. Was… why? Like. Killing the only gay and Jewish character… I think it’s a bit much for this show. I don’t think anyone needed to die this season. Certainly I’m not entirely opposed to exploring that, but there’s five episodes left. And this….. it’s not the show for it Imo. This show has been about people succeeding despite the odds and so why is he the exception. Idk. Maybe I’m wrong and he will live, I hope so, so take that one with a grain of salt. He looked really dead, there’s was a lot of blood, I think the rabbi was saying the Jewish prayer for the dead at the end. So my hopes are… very low.

Anyway. I’m going to go watch “Everything’s Gonna Be Okay”. Which features far more interesting exploitation of autism and queerness that this show desperately wants to have but simply isn’t capable of.

[ongreenergrasses]

15 questions, 15 tags

tagged by beloved @isabellehemlock

1. Are you named after anyone?

names are very important in my family, my father is part of a huge family and his last name Means Things (that are usually bad). so we don’t have his last name, but my siblings and i have family names as our middle names.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. i finally opened the original art for hands (an iteration) that @shatterthefragments sent me and i just started bawling dkdjfnf

3. Do you have kids?

THAT is a complicated question but the answer is no. someday

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

i honestly don’t know….? i am very judgmental when it’s fun

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

it really depends on the context. the obvious is i notice their voices and their general body language. the work i do also means i’m very keyed into what people are saying and what they’re not saying.

6. What’s your eye color?

blue grey

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

both have their places in my heart! although emotionally i’m usually not able to handle happy endings, i just lose it and start crying skdjdnd

8. Any special talents?

myself and my siblings are incredibly musically gifted. we worked very hard at it but we also are naturally talented. i did the competition stuff and racked up a fair amount of trips and awards while i was at it (and some of those set into motion some of the most significant things in my life) but my magnum opus was playing Schelomo for my senior piece. it took a year of me and my wonderful very dedicated accompanist working our asses off to get it together. the man had to cut and paste the score to make it playable. incredible work on both our parts

9. Where were you born?

Alaska

10. What are your hobbies?

i have so many skdjdn i love to write and dance and play music, i do a lot of knitting and also fix our clothes with visible mending. i participate a lot in fandom and love writing prompt fills. i also make window stars (common where i grew up) and bead things if i get bored, i used to be able to make pretty sick beaded flowers but that fell out of my brain so i just make decorations now. i like writing letters to people but idk if that’s necessarily a hobby.

11. Do you have any pets?

yes! two wonderful cats, although one is being a significant drain on the wallet currently because of her health issues. she truly is my child

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

i am Not a sports person. i am a dancer though, classical ballet trained, did modern and contemporary for a while, and now do pole. i want to get back into contradancing once things get a little safer

13. How tall are you?

5’ 7” and i have a huge complex about it

14. Favorite subject in school?

biology, chemistry, and tbvh music. i thought i liked English but on reflection no

15. Dream job?

i don’t necessarily have a dream job bc i never dreamed of working but i would love to someday work in a museum. it always seemed really cool to me and with the planned grad school trajectory maybe i will!

tags and cat photos under the cut

tagging @shatterthefragments @unintentionalgenius @spacegirlsgang @combe-ferres @virgin-diaries @aphroditestummyrolls @rhubarbdreams @boulangerlee @elian-eldari @captain-grammar @astrabear @rupzydaisy @my-gaydar-is-on-point @lullabee-blue and as always no pressure 🌹

[girlvinland]

I have so many emotions every day. I’ll have moments when I’m content or even feeling joyful, but then a huge wave of guilt or sadness or resentment will wash over me. I know it’s normal, so I have to just let it happen and let it go.

Yesterday I was listening to an older woman talk about how she didn’t start understanding her sexuality until she was 56, and that from there it took another 8-10 years of working on being okay with it bc of the things she’d done in life (marriage, kids, and all that), and bc of her own internalized homophobia. I felt like I related so much, even though I’m not as old as her, even though I haven’t chosen to do those things, and even though we’ve had different journeys (she said she’d never questioned her sexuality before then, which is a hard thing for me to understand, but I know it’s different for older generations).

I had things I always knew about in myself as a teenager and even as a child, but then something would always push me back from being okay with it. I think I was 23-25 when I finally started slowly putting my toes in the water more, even though the thing that persisted in my mind was always “no, you can’t do this. What would your parents think? Dad wants a son-in-law he can do things with. Mom wants a grandchild that she is related to. They want this one life for you that they envisioned, so just stick with the program until someday you can be free from their expectations.” And it’s really sad that someday would always = when my parents are no longer here. With that knowledge, how long would this need to be endured? It’s sad that so many other people have felt like this, too.

My guilt doesn’t all stem from that, though. I had been in a relationship with someone for so long, to the point of becoming engaged because we felt so much pressure to do it, and bc it felt safe. Plus, the idea of a wedding is often so fun and exciting, it’s hard to not get all wrapped up in that. I’m lucky that this person has always treated me with so much kindness and respect, I don’t know if I could have learned to accept myself so much otherwise, because they encouraged my self-exploration so much, and never with any judgment. So when I’ve taken these dips into the water, I’ve had to consider how badly it must still hurt them, how badly it must have hurt to have been on the other side of this. The only consolation is knowing that we both made the decision to stay due to comfort/stagnation/safety/etc. And now, we both want the best for one another. It is a weird journey, but maybe it’s not that abnormal, either. It helps when there are mutual understandings and few hard feelings.

I used to imagine life as a really big peak to climb, like you’d just keep making decisions to go up and up and up. Graduate high school. Go to college. Find someone. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Stay at your job. See kids have kids. Retire. Die.

I’ve realized it’s not like that at all, that it’s not one big peak, but rather a series of hills, and I see it in myself and in my family and friends- we all make choices, but the choices can always change. Nothing is permanent, no rule book has to be followed (bc no rule book actually exists). You can change your mind at any time. Even if it hurts, even if it hurts other people. Of course, I think trying to diminish the hurt is usually a very good thing to do, even if it can’t always be done.

But I am so tired of this whole life skeleton that seems to be so set in place for everyone to adhere to. And I couldn’t keep using the sunk-cost fallacy to justify my decisions like, well, I’ve been doing this for this long, so I can’t turn around now. I could always turn around, I always can. Everyone can. I’ve watched my mom change her career completely in her 40s-50s. I’ve seen friends get divorced in their late twenties after realizing marriage or the person they were with wasn’t right for them, but they hadn’t had the knowledge to know that before. I’ve seen people like the woman I mentioned earlier, who discovered more about their identities later than expected.

Each day I become more accepting of the idea that change is possible and even expected, and I feel more and more okay with throwing the weird life rule book into the water. I was losing myself so much by trying to stick to it, but now I know I don’t have to do that any longer. I’ve had a lot lately going on outside of all of this, but the moments I can reflect on it get easier each time. My self-acceptance grows stronger each time. It’s still extremely hard some days, but I don’t fear it so much anymore.

[rahleeyah]

I know you turned off Twitter but I wondered if you saw Ainsley’s (actress who plays Jet) tweet? It’s not a spoiler but she basically was like “I know you’re all excited for the EO of it all but we’ve been working so hard on the upcoming episodes and stuff” and Chris liked it

And idk why it’s been bugging me but I guess at first I felt bad reading that because obviously everyone on all three shows work extremely hard and long hours for the product we get to see every week and I’m sure it may be annoying for actors who are not CandM to see us tweeting about EO and how excited we are because of the promo and being like… these fans have no idea how hard we work all the time grrr

But on the other hand a big part of me is like Ainsley stfu we are allowed to be BIGGG excited about EO possibly moving forward! We have waited literally her entire lifetime for something to happen between them and us being hype about it doesn’t demean the work you and everyone else on the shows do every week. Like honestly OC is good but it’s not really for me tbh I mainly watch it because I really like jet and bell and I’m waiting for any EO crumbs that may come our way like PacMan.

Anyways not sure why but I keep thinking about her tweet but it like… dampens my impending joy that I know we are more that likely going to get from the next SVU epi and that some of the actors are almost irritated by that. Like THE core couple of the show that’s been running since fucking 1999 may get together soon… why the fuck shouldn’t fans be freaking the fuck out?!! It’s one of the things that keeps us watching!

Also! Really love the new Mia story and can’t wait to devour the next chapter!! ❤️❤️❤️

I mean this in the nicest way I possibly can but: please chill down and cut Ainsley some slack.

That's literally all she said. Ainsley wasn't saying that it's not fair for people to be excited about EO or that people who are excited about EO have done something wrong. Ainsley wasn't trying to shame people for being excited about EO. This is Ainsley's first big TV show and it has been tumultuous behind the scenes with the constant shake ups in show runners and creative directions and the first arc of this season was frankly bad tho they are improving in the second arc, and thru all this the oc team has been trying really, really hard to do the best they can with what they have been given. The show is finding its feet and Ainsley is excited about it and she should be. She's allowed to be.

For every single person even tangentially involved in SVU/oc their mentions are constantly full of people asking them questions about EO when that really has nothing to do with them. Chris can't post a political take without someone asking to see his ass and Dani can't post a selfie without someone asking when EO are gonna kiss, and on and on it goes. If I was them, I'd be frustrated, not bc EO isn't important but bc people @ the cast and then treat them like they're nothing. But that's NOT what Ainsley expressed in this tweet. There's no frustration or complaining there.

Ainsley wanted to hype up the work her crew has done, that they're excited about, that they're proud of, and that's ok. She wasn't saying it's either/or, or that being excited about one negates the other. She wasn't passing judgment or minimizing EO stans.

The tl;dr of it all is simply this: if you can, try to shift your perspective on this so that it doesn't bother you so much, bc I genuinely think no harm was intended, and you may personally feel better if you no longer feel attacked.

[heavensong]

Hello! I've seen your oc Felicity and I am IN LOVE with her! She's very gorgeous and your art fascinates me!

Also I heard that you have another princess Oc that's also fucked up like Felicity, Is it alright if we could get a peek of her?

Omg thank you so much! I’m so glad you like her 🥰🥰🥰 I also think she is sooo pretty hahaha And I DO have another princess OC! Here’s some pictures of princess Cecily! I wrote up a long backstory underneath the read more if you wanna hear more about her. (Idk your interest level so feel free to skip!)

:readmore:

I made her up for Disenchantment and she is less fucked up than Felicity (bc she’s a kinder person lol) but she is “cursed” in a way! Well, not necessarily but she finds out that before she was born, her parents so desperately wanted a child that they turned to a sorceress for help. She gave them a baby gosling to care for as if it were their own, and if they could give it the love they proclaimed they would have for their unborn child, she would grant them a baby of their own. Far be it from them to question a witch, they care for the gosling & the day finally comes when they find out if they’ve done well enough to be granted said wish.

The sorceress tells them they’ve done well, says she will perform the spell bring them their baby & takes back the baby bird, preparing to cut its throat as it is a spell ingredient. The king & Queen are horrified as they’re truly grown attached to the creature & demand she let it be, even if it means they won’t be granted their promised child. The witch, with a knowing look, happily returns the gosling to its parents, but not before transforming it into a baby girl with her father’s eyes and her mother’s hair.

Cecily finds this out as a young adult and is absolutely mortified… Mostly bc she finds out by being turned back into a goose and while trying to sort out the mishap, she finds out this is her true form. She’s always thought she was a genuine and “normal” person stuck in a kingdom full of weirdos and her love interest is just as ridiculous & absurd, so finding this out about herself really throws her for a loop & makes her question everything she through she knew about herself up until this point.

She’s eventually able to return to her human form, though her love interest also reverts back to the form of a pig that he’s been stuck in lol but she’s grown as a person, learned to be less judgmental and hard on others and herself. Her parent’s overprotective nature is also recontextualized and she’s able to recognize that she is still loved, despite not being naturally born or really “human”, whatever that means 🥰

There’s a bunch more to her story but that’s the shortest I could get it 😂 sorry! Thank you so much for reading and for asking to see more of her 💖

[ao3feed-piltovers-finest]

Please Finally Be My Forever

by pinkyluvsyou

“Um, Piltover Preparatory School,” she slides out of he lips, her beautiful plump lips, wait Piltover Prep? That’s where Evie goes. “Really? That’s where my daughter goes,” “You have a daughter?” the woman doesn't look at her distastefully but found almost a new passion for the woman in front of her, softening her eyes and giving a bit of a huff as if questioning her own judgments, Caitlyn interrupts her before she could say more, “I know I’m quite young,” Caitlyn takes a deep breath ready to have to give her whole life story to this random person on the side of the road.

“You don’t have to tell me,” those stormy eyes, before filled with impatience and anxiety, now are forgiving and kind. Caitlyn chuckles nervously, the woman is really something new for her.

-

or, Caitlyn goes day by day taking care of her young daughter and going to work, but her life is small, just her and her girl. No one else. Until someone speeds past her one random afternoon, and she meets the person who will save her from her never-ending routine.

-

Modern Single Mom Caitlyn Caitvi AU

Words: 1243, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Arcane: League of Legends (Cartoon 2021)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/F

Characters: Caitlyn (League of Legends), Vi (League of Legends), Original Child Character(s), Original Characters, Jinx (League of Legends)

Relationships: Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)

Additional Tags: Single Mom Caitlyn, Caitvi, Violyn, Fluff, Angst, Past Relationship(s), Jinx Goes by Powder (League of Legends), caitvi parents, Modern AU, caitlyns parents suck, Caitlyn Needs a Hug (League of Legends), Lesbian Caitlyn (League of Legends), Lesbian Vi (League of Legends), powder is a lot younger than vi, Vi is a Gym Maneger, Caitlyn is a cop(she doesn't really want to be one though), they're cute i guess, I miss arcane, taylor swift songs are very prominent in all my fics bc taylor swift, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know

from AO3 works tagged 'Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)'

[vonkarma2]

❄️ for jacinto, ✂️ for crow, 🪤 for Gloria, 😨 for everyone you want

❄️ SNOWFLAKE - do people consider them cold? if so, what made them this way? 

omg is this a hard question. I’ve been trying to like go into their character but it’s really hard to think abt their psychology because their whole thing is they don’t understand people at all including themself so they’re very isolated. But it’s hard to like gauge what they’d think about things or like their motivations for the actions they take bc 90% of the time they don’t know either. So it’s hard to decide where the line is yk like what are the things they are sure of.

I think I’d lean into having them as a foil for Rocio whereas she is like not great at reading people but she like is capable of doing so lol and she does have a few people that care for her and she pushed them away. Whereas Jacinto has lost all of their family and doesn’t have any relationships left, but they wish that they still had someone yk. 

I think they are perceived as off putting but not cold because of their actions. Literally no one knows them personally but they have a solid reputation in the city for being distant but very polite and respectful. If you spent a lot of time with them they’d come off as like very overly formal, but if you only met them once they’d seem very nice. They’re terrible at talking to people and providing comfort to them, and they’re very aware of this, so they try to help via actions instead like mostly material generosity or sometimes introducing them to others that either are actually good at helping people or have similar problems etc etc. They don’t do this often though, only when the opportunity is very obvious. For the most part they stay by themselves.

I don’t think they literally do nothing all day lmao they like. Keep themself busy either with work (<which often involves following people like from a distance (they’re pretty recognizable due to their scarring even though they do know how to dress very inconspicuously + kinda disappear into a crowd) or chores or by like walking around in the city or in nature. But everything they do is very isolated unless directly talking to someone for work. When they do they actually come off as kinda nice bc of their politeness, and the people they have actively done nice things for tend to really appreciate it, even though if they try to make it up to them it typically doesn’t go well. They might come off as cold then because they’d mostly feel depressed they’re definitely going to disappoint the other person with their reaction or like. Lack thereof.

✂️ SCISSORS - what is the "last straw" for them to cut someone out of their life? how easily do they let go of people?

Sorry it’s too late you said his name so I’m answering for him. I have no idea tbh but I’ll try. I would say evidently not very easily considering how literally everyone treats him, but within the story there are a lot of special circumstances so no one is a good measure of how he treats people like, in general. My guess would be he’d immediately cut someone off for breaking one of his moral code rules or whatever but other than that he’d put up with a lot. (<For werewolves. For humans I think they could do literally anything to him and he’d be fine with it.) Actually, I might take it back, he seems pretty judgmental and condescending like to William that one time. More likely he wouldn’t have a casual relationship of any kind (friendship, romantic, professional) he’d either ignore someone or only engage in like the smallest of small talk. What do I know though he’s not my god damn character

Anyway now for the actual question. The thing is Cirillo will accept people for almost everything except the most heinous crimes in the condition that they apologize. If they seem sincerely remorseful he’d forgive them very easily, it’d be really hard for him to outright reject anyone because of 1) his belief anyone can change 2) his endless goodwill towards other people 3) his tendency to interpret his own actions in the worst way, like he doesn’t want to be a heartless person who abandons others, he wants to be someone who’s always forgiving and who others can rely on no matter what. The exception to this is if they hurt someone else and then that person met Cirillo, under those conditions like if he knew the other side of the story he probably would cut them off. He’d hate being caught between people and potentially being on the side of a horrible person even more so than he’d hate rejecting someone that sincerely wants to improve. Like he would never want to contribute to the other person’s problems yk

🪤 MOUSE TRAP - what will always lure them into certain danger? a loved one in danger? a promise of something they are always searching for?

Very interesting question ok. The thing is she’s willing to confront danger, being reckless + liking the adrenaline and et cetera, BUT if it starts looking like it’s not worth like whatever the reward is (usually getting paid) she has no problem cutting her losses and leaving. Even if it’s for someone who desperately needs he help, she’d still be like sorry I tried very early on. So she’d face danger for almost anything, just on a dare tbh, but what would get her to actually face it and keep going? 

It’s pretty obvious but I think if she was on the verge of losing someone she really cared about, she’d do almost anything to prevent that from happening again. She knows how that would feel because it’s happened to her before and she hates it, she’d do anything to avoid that feeling. Anything else ummm not really? Maybe someone who she’d already disappointed but who forgave her for it, she’d be like really surprised by this and wouldn’t want to disappoint them a second time. At the very least she’d actually apologize to that person about running away.

😨 FEARFUL - when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

“everyone you want” means everyone in general bc I can’t back down from that challenge and look weak. Hopefully I will stick to short answers this time 

rocio- physical confrontation fight, social situation or something like that they’d shut down and try to ignore it 

cirillo- fawn, try to talk people down and appease them in any way possible. failing that he’d run away

angel- at first he’s be overconfident and fight but if he realizes he couldn’t win he’d run away

gloria- flight, she only fights for fun she is very cowardly around any kind of actual problem

lucia- run and hide. flight is definitely her approach to most kinds of problems 

jacinto: flight 

tiago: his instinct is usually to fight but he actively tries to suppress it, doesn’t always succeed

joanna: fight, she knows she can win almost any kind of confrontation. almost impossible to defeat physically or to intimidate in any way

laura: fight through verbal confrontation, if that’s not an option in the situation then yeah she’d run 

joseph: flight, he goes to others for help

victor: whatever gives him the best chance of survival in the long term, he’s in situations like this a lot so he does always try to de escalate a little first so he can gauge what the best decision is  

silence: fight immediately, even if they lose it’s more cathartic then like what she views as the inherent and cowardly loss of running away

inanna: very diplomatic but yeah if it comes down to it she’ll fight

shamash: flight, he’s not one for confrontation. Afraid of situations outside of his control 

david: depends on if he feels like he could win and/or what would most impress whoever he’s with aka kyungsun 

kyunsun: flight but I feel like she’d try to get back at the person later in some way.

gabriel: before becoming a wizard flight, fight afterwards. It made him very overconfident

yiming: he’d almost never get into this situation. if he did, probably flight. He can teleport anywhere in the world so he’d just like leave. If somehow magic wasn’t an option he’d panic try to get away at any costs including if he had to fight someone. he’s very powerful he could eviscerate people if he ever wanted to. but he doesn’t he’s nice <3

[teashadephoenix]

I looked up an old friend today, for no real reason other than I thought of her randomly. (Actually it was her birthday four days ago. Maybe that’s why she was lurking in the dark parts of my brain.) 

Things did not end well between this person and I. We were friends for eight years. Most of that time was spent “breaking up” bc she was the type of person who lost interest in me if she got a boyfriend, and she had to have a boyfriend, but she had bad judgment (like everybody does when youre 17) so they would cheat on her or were bad boyfriends, or whatever. So she’d dump them and come be my friend again-- for a few months, until she forgave the boyfriend or found a new one. This was exacerbated by the fact that even when we were hanging out, we fought. I couldn’t tell you what we ever fought about, but I do know that I wrote letter after letter telling her I was done with being treated badly and that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. But she always managed to find a way back in.

It wasn’t until after my mom died and I ventured into the adult world that I really saw how abusive she was. She talked down to me. She talked over me. My opinions were worthless. She had no respect for my beliefs (she was always trying to convert me to Christianity by way of “casually” reminding me I was going to Hell if I didn’t.) She was openly homophobic at a time in which I was just beginning to really question my own sexuality. I knew I would never be able to be honest with this person --who called herself my best friend-- about who I was. I’ve also referred to this person occasionally when talking about my asexuality journey, because she was the one who kept trying to set me up on blind dates and could not accept that I was happy being single. (Which, I get. I get that it’s hard to understand where someone is coming from when it’s so different from your own place. But that’s literally part of being a compassionate human being: accepting others’ differences even if you maybe don’t fucking get it.)

There is just... so much damage that this person did to me, that still affects me today. She was my first real brush with a Christian who wasn’t my mother, and she’s laid the foundation for all the Christians who followed her. I still have a hard time trusting people who say theyre Christian, bc I know no matter how much I beg and plead for them not to, the conversion attempts will follow. She is why I have a hard time talking things out when I am frustrated, why I simply let things fester in resentment-- because I couldn’t discuss any problem that arose between us without calling a guilt trip down on my own head. Any criticisms were mortal wounds to her ego, and she played the victim until I was apologising for bringing it up. I know the narcissist’s handbook now but 16 years ago I did not. She’s probably the reason I don’t like having people in my house, because she used to come over and stay nine, ten hours, and of course I couldn’t ask her to go home, because she would take it personally. (And no, before you ask, I did not have any other friends. I had been convinced, a little bit by her and mostly by my own self, that I was bad with people and couldn’t make other friends, so I had to hang on to the one that I had.)

Even just writing this out is bringing back the anxiety that I used to feel when she’d texted to say she was on her way to my house. I haven’t seen her in years and it’s as real as it was the last day I saw her. And I’m so fake, even now, with people. I can have so much anger and frustration boiling under the surface and you’d never know because Im so used to pretending everything is fine. 

Anyway, all this to say:

It isn’t just parents or romantic partners that can hurt you. How we relate to people is built by all the people we know, parents, teachers, regular faces in the crowd. And friends. That is how we learn how to people, by being with people.

And anybody can abuse you, especially when you trust them not to. Friends have a special key to your heart and you must be wary who you let in there. 

Because friends who talk down to you are not your friends. Friends who make you feel afraid to be who you are are not your friends. Friends who give you anxiety attacks at the mere idea of them coming over are not your friends.

But if you let them have a key, they can trash the place and you are the one left picking up the mess. Sometimes that shit takes years. Sometimes you can think it’s okay, that everything’s back where it’s supposed to go, and then you remember it’s their birthday and everything just upends itself off a table.