#I’m uninterested passing as very cis and this is a problem

[some-assholes-familiar]

Tryna get the world to understand that I don’t have long hair in a “pretty girl” way, I have long hair in a “80’s metalhead grunge bad boy that your parents don’t want you dating even though they’re literally the nicest person you’ve ever met and the tattoos and motorcycle don’t negate that dad!” way

[clefairymoon]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[thoughtsdying]

The procces of realising you’re aroace: a tale by me version 2

Realising you’re aroace is suddenly comprehending why your few friends (with one exception) have always turned out to be in the queer community at the end. Like. That fenomenum of “queer radar only you don’t realise it’s there and you end up gravitating together anyway?” yup- It happens too. Only most of the time you think you’re an allied cis-het weirdo who cares too much about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you, and who cares if you feel weird when other people assume you’re hetero (or that you have a orientation at all), you sure aren’t attracked to your same gender either. Nor are any kind of trans.

And then you discover asexuality in your late teens and it feels weirdly near you, but you think you’re trying to make it so you’re special, so you dismiss any ace feels as you being a late bloomer, and only take care of including it in discussions about queer issues, and then you feel strangely hurt when a professor dismisses it as “some self descriptor weird lonely japanese men in their 40′s created who only care for 2D” which. You don’t have to tell me all the problems in that sentence. Believe me, I know. And you can’t come with arguments except well if people feel like using it, then we should respect it, bc you don’t have the words to explain asexuality except that internet in english told you it was a thing and you still don’t know except in a nebulous way what even is aromanticism, so you didn’t bring that up in the discussion at all.

And a pair of years after that you start using demisexual bc it feels less scary and very reasonable except you’ve never felt attracted to anyone, how do you even tell it? And relationships scare you, and you still don’t have any idea of what is aromanticism except it scares you and you don’t want to contemplate a life being aro. You love romances after all

(except when you have to look the other way in any kind of profound kiss, bc it’s private people, which makes you feel wiedly homophobic when you’re watching a lgbtq+ media or your best friend with her girlfriend even if it’s the same with hetero, except then it’s just that sex is weird in film and kisses with tongue are still private people!)

and obviously you still don’t want to have sex with a girl (Except perhaps those emotional dreams of touching with a friend that aren’t sex but almlost and are very comfortable anyways it could be nice you’re sure but nice isn’t desire is it?) so even although guys make you nervous and any thought of doing anything romantic-sexual with one is a “yikes” you suppose you find some really pretty in a different way you do with woman and that must be ~attraction~.

And a friend tells you that a guy tried to sound her to see if he could date you and she told him you were ace and uninterested in any kind of relationship, and you go “why?” confused and a bit elated bc holy shit what a relief you won’t have to confront him, but also a bit of panic (that’s how i come across? it isn’t my imagination, im so obvious oh no) and she tells you, “well you are almost one and you don’t have any intention of dating anybody right now so i thought it best to cut any feels on his part right now”. And it gives you things to think about.

And another two years pass except this time you’ve started to educate yourself on aromanticism bc too many relatable posts on tumblr looking into the ace tag made you “holy shit yeah this makes more sense than just asexuality” but also you keep loving romance stories except now you’ve started to recognize you’re starved of friendship in all the ambits of your live and you’re also a young adult who still doesn’t want a relationship, what do i do? And maybe you’re not demi, you’re ace and you can think sex sounds a nice activity to do with intimate friends (aro aro aro) but not something you’re into, and you’re still ace, you’re not attracted to anybody not really. What a relief. (you still can’t try on the aro umbrella)

And you question yourself bc a fantastic guy has become your friend, and your minds vibe inmensely well, and you talk during quearentine, but he gives you some weird vibes sometimes, and makes you gifts which you ignore bc holy shit a best friend! And he has money and he’s lonely! I would also give gifts to my besties if I had money! And then he confesses to you on wassap, and you realise he has put you on a pedestal and has cofessed but already said himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you bc he would corrupt you or something and anyway, he’s not really in love with you he’s using you as a mental crutch to try to not be depressed, he knows that noe but he hates psycologists. Also, can i have some time apart from you?

So you tell him you feel flattered but that you see him as only a friend, and please can you not put yourself so below me? Search professional help. I’ll stay away as long as you need.

And you start feeling uneasy, but you think it’s only that he’s a weirdo and really you’ve dodged a bullet of course you wouldn’t want to go out with him, he’s not really the kind of pretty you like. Except if you’re ace what does it matter? Isn’t it that you feel pretty repulsed by trying a romantic relationship? Or are you just justifying your own aloofness and personality problems that make impossibly difficult to try a romance anyway. People don’t control who they feel romantic feels for anyway.

Except in the following months when you’ve finally reaturned to be friends you’re so relieved to not have that shadow above you and really wouldn’t it be amazing if everybody knew you didn’t want anything to do with them romantically? To be free to be friends and hug them, and walk arm in arm or go to lunch and cinema and still be just friends? To plan your future in a line along with those friends but not be really a committement as much as you just want to enjoy talking face to face with them for a bit longer.

So you go back to read about aromanticism and maybe you cry a little but mostly you’re pretty happy and scared about it. And you tell that friend, bc he’s your bestie right now and you feel him being bi and also being interested in you in the past would make him more likely to react well. It’s not personal it’s just the way I am. And then you start crying in the middle of a starbucks for 15 min. and you didn’t now you feel so much so intensely about being aroace, and how it had impacted you without knowing and how much you hate those expectations. And he hugs you and tells you “nobody has the right to tell you how to live. if you feel like you’re never gonna be in a relationship that’s your business and you’ll be happy anyway” and you cry harder. And then you both have a sincere conversation about sex as he has experimented it and how you feel it pretty strange and weird, but maybe you’d like to try it sometime. Just not a time near now. And if it’s never that’s pretty okey with you too.

So you go home feeling a bit embarrased but also pretty elated except a week later there’s another wassap message from him, saying he feels he still loves you, and that he understands intelectually your nearness with him is friendly but still feels romantic and it confuses me and it pains me and i would prefer to not be your friend anymore, sorry, men are shit and me the worst of them.

“Ok” I write back. I’m furious and hurt and I don’t want to see his liar face anymore. So fuck you, I think. “Thanks for telling me” And I block his number and I don’t talk to him when we met with out mutual friends, and when it’s necessary I talk as if he were a stranger. Kindly but impersonal. Isn’t that what you wanted? To lost a friend? So you’ve lost me forever.

And it became clear to me that I don’t think I’ll ever understand the stupidity of not wanting to see someone just because their lives don’t revolve around you the way you like, even though you’re friends and you can talk to them about anything at all anyway, and be there for help with the shitty parts of life. There are things I’ll never felt or do for another. 

And I’m ok with that.

[candy-corps]

The Present

Jess belongs to @mygardenofmuses

(Jess) "I got you a gift!"

“What - What, why.“ Okay that was new. Damien leaned away from Jess, not trusting things just yet.

“Because of your birthday, so… here. For you.” she handed him a little bag full of cookies. “I baked them myself. Not sure what flavours are your favorite, so there’s a bit of everything.” she answered shyly.

“ … oh.“Damien held the little package and looked at it like it might either explode or vanish in thin air at any moment now. What was he supposed to do ...

“You’re welcome. No need to thank me~” she whispered, giggling at how shocked he seemed by her gift. “Feel free to eat them anytime, and share them with Blue or your father. See you!” She turned around to leave, but very slowly, hoping he’d say something else.Damien still didn’t fully manage to talk, if his mumbled reply was any indicator for it. But yeah, thanking was the thing… he forgot. “Wait.” He frowned, obviously thinking hard while another moment passed. “… … Mer…ci.” French. Close. Now to make a run for it. Damien turned away as well and held the package close to his body, both hands curled around it. No way he’d share. Which was kind of a problem - he didn’t exactly like cookies … …

“Yes…?” she turned around just a bit to listen. Whatever he said to say, she felt happy - this was the right way to coax him to speak a little more. Her smile widened when he spoke in French. Those holidays in Paris with her uncles and the things she learned there came in handy now.

“De rien~” she answered in fRench as well, winking him an eye, and turned around to keep walking. Ah, the sweet flavour of success! One of her favourites.

Okay, that felt wrong. Damien peeked back at Jess again, who seemed to wander off. So … that was weird. He should do something to make them even again to get rid of this … whatever just happened. Maybe put something diisgusting in her locker during lunch break…

Yeah, that would work.

[TEXT] Damien, someone put caterpillars in my locker! Could you help me to find a box and some lettuce leaves for them? Poor babies are hungry and need help! - Jess

Well, he still had the one he transported them in… But when he helped out now they’d be uneven again… wouldn’t they? Gah! Was there some kind of logic, even?

where are you? - Damien

[Text] I’m next to my locker. Hurry, please! If the teachers see me with these little guys, they might punish me!! - Jess

Aaargh. On the other hand, he didn’t want it to go so far. Damien let his head fall on the pile of books in front him as he typed the reply.

Be right there. - Damien

“You will be late to class” he warned not long after, already with the cleaned box in his hands as he appeared in the hallway. Poor caterpillars; he had to get rid of the food they had before, but it had been suspicious if he’d shown up with food as well.

[text] Thanks Damien, you’re awesome - Jess

Once she typed that text, Jess looked around, still nervous. She’d have to hide the caterpillars and make sureno one but Damien saw them. Poor babies.

“I know, and so will you.” she answered, starting to pick up the poor caterpillars from her locker. “But helping these poor babies is more important now. We gotta take them outside and make sure they’ll be safe from birds or other bugs trying to kill them.”

Yes, that was definitely not the type of reaction he’d hoped for. He’d have to try harder next time…

“What about natural selection?” Didn’t they learn that it was something important, not long ago, even? He’d help her. This time. Damien sighed, holding the box up with one hand while he helped her to rehome the carerpillars. So this plan backfired…

“Screw natural selection. If we have the power to help these poor creatures, we must do it. Our parents would like that…” she mumbled, placing the caterpillars gently into the box. She was very careful, not wanting to hurt them. One day they would become butterflies and give birth to another generation. They were important.

“And this is the last. Let’s take them to the playground, any plants in there should work as long as they are far away from most kids.”

Couldn’t argue with that … but sure sigh out loud to voice his frustration. He didn’t like getting late. He had no problem to skip a class or two on purpose, but that was scheduled. Being late to one he actually wanted to attend to … another story altogether.

“Any idea who did that?” he asked seemingly uninterested, as if he just intended to keep the conversation going. he gave her the box to carry, guessing he had enough trouble already. Besides, the box wasn’t closed and the first already tries to make their way up again.

Jess encouraged the naughty caterpillar to go back to the bottom of the box. “Honestly, I have no idea. Probably a bully trying to prank me. but no one should endanger someone’s life just for fun. Every life is important. Yours, mine, the lives of these bugs. We’re all connected in the life cycle. All lives matter. Now, let’s hurry!”

With absolute resolution, Jess pushed the door of the school and walked into the playground, holding the box close to her chest. She really didn’t want to be late either…

“Oh, right there!” She saw some bushes growing next to one of the walls. It wasn’t a place where students used to spend their time, so it was perfect.

Damien followed without further complain, even when the circle of life lecture let him roll his eyes a little.

“Actually… “ He gave the spot a look and considered, but whatever crossed his mind got disrupted as the school bell rang all of a sudden. They were officially late.

“Just put the box down, they can crawl out on their own. You run and I will … follow some minutes later” he advised. Maybe he’d have time to get rid of the box as well then.

“OK!” she left the box next to the bushes, making sure some of the brances were inside the box so it was easier for them to crawl onto the bushes. “Go on little ones, you’re free!”

She turned to Damien, giving him the brightest smile. “Now we gotta run back inside or we’ll get punished! Let’s go!”

Has she been listening to what he just said? “You go. I follow later” he insisted, not moving an inch, just turning away. He was already busy to make up an excuse. Emergency in the family always worked great and he didn’t use that one… for a week at least …

“It never ends well when a boy and a girl both are both late to class.”

“OH.” she understood his reasoning now. A light blush colored her cheeks. “O-OK. See you later!”

And with that, Jess started to run to their classroom. If she rushed, she vstill could make it before the teacher walked into the class…

Oh, now she understood. “Se you then.” Damien smiled a little as he watched Jess head back until she was eventually out of his sight. He himself took his time to return and stayed just where he was, watching the caterpillars leave their box home.

Such a weird girl.