#I’ve already written abt all of this before ofc so I won’t go into much more detail

[arolesbianism]

I’ve been finally getting to working on design concepts for my iterator ocs from Slivers local group, so here’s Stars. She is sooooo normal (lying)

[dastardlydandelion]

I wish you would write a fic where Susan got to keep her baby for once.

well. hm. what would this look like in my hands. okay, okay, so in this particular scenario, i actually imagine neil was putting 2 + 2 together and finding out susan's preggo right after the move. like, even before susan does. and she's all kinds of alarmed but neil is?? oddly excited?

he's all like, "isn't this great? we get to have a new baby in this new town. what a perfect way to cement our brand new life, huh?"

and susan doesn't want to be hopeful but with neil's positive reaction, she tentatively feels hope anyway. maybe things rly will be different, right?

continues under the cut bc this got fucking long.

yeah, well, neil's good mood lasts until it's actually born and responsibilities ensue. he never had to deal with billy as a baby rly, bc billy's mom took care of that part and also, like. in this 'verse at least, billy was a low-maintenance baby. didn't cry much. maybe he did at first but like, after being dropped on the head a couple times, he just went quiet and didn't rly bother anybody after that. wouldn't get loud again until elementary age. and max didn't come into neil's life until she was even elementary age, so defo past all the baby stuff.

the new infant tho screams like a mofo. everybody in the house is on edge. sleep is hard to come by for the whole household. the care and keeping responsibilities mostly fall on susan but neil holds it against her every. single. time. he has to change a diaper or hold a bottle, as if it's some major failing on susan's part that he should ever have to do anything like this at all.

max tries to help but she can't even hold the baby tbh. it makes her v uncomfortable, she never gets it right and doesn't know what to do when it squirms!! what if she drops it!? plus she thinks baby smells weird even when it's got a clean diaper, an unappealing mashed food and powder combo with a lingering whiff of wet rubber. and billy. is billy. he has to watch it sometimes, naturally. if it's just him and baby at home, he'll blast his stereo to cover up the crying, as long as he knows its other needs have been tended to. like, yk, the "it'll cry itself to sleep eventually," approach. which works actually. metallica becomes the go-to baby lullaby.

but lo and behold, when it's like, let's say 6 months or smth, baby gets an ear infection. like babies do. won't stop wailing. just. will NOT stop. v much in pain and has no other means of communication. neil and max are home. billy is on a date. susan's stuck in a long line at the grocery store. neil had a shitty day at work and he's already aggravated. pacifier isn't working, lil thing just keeps hollering, so. in a burst of frustration, he starts throttling baby. max is in her own room but hears it the second the noises change and hurries to help, blood ice cold.

she stops neil from killing baby sibling but gets a black eye and a bloody nose for her troubles. this is what susan comes home to. i've written a lot of susan kills neil scenarios but i think this is the first one that comes to mind where in this round, it really is out of anger and not fear. both are present, ofc. but the actual act on her part is one of anger. bc she feels stupid that he ever had her the slightest bit convinced a new baby would make anything better. that neil ever made her feel like he'd be better and instead, he chose to be even worse. susan ties him to the bedposts under the guise of a sex thing, convincing neil she wants to treat him to smth special bc he's been oh so stressed out lately. bashes his brains in with a hammer at least 20 times, a la sally challen style.

alas, reality commences and susan goes to prison. ig a long time ago there was this made for tv movie abt this lady killing her abusive husband by setting the bed aflame that gave the public the misconception that women who kill their abusers are typically acquitted, but uh, that's not true. yeah, it was true for the lady whom the movie was based off of, but usually they're convicted and serve unduly harsh sentences for their "crimes." but if i get on that soap box, we gonna be here the whole fucking day, so, moving on now. susan's off to the big house. albeit both baby and max's injuries are documented and considered mitigating circumstances so her charges are reduced from first degree murder to voluntary manslaughter with the potential for early release.

billy's close to 19 so he's an adult, if only technically speaking. has custody of baby and max. i've decided baby in this 'verse is amab but will eventually come out as trans when she's abt ten yrs old. billy tries his best. max tries her best too. baby's nickname is ducky bc the rubber duck?? by far the favorite toy!! baby p much lives in the bathtub, playing with the rubber duck. billy, who would move them back to cali in a heartbeat if it wasn't so far from susan's prison, defo relates. he's also aquatic by nature.

okay, so the move back to cali does happen. over the months of her kids coming to visit her in prison susan can see how exhausted the teenagers are and she's p much just like, 'u guys gotta go. get outta this rural heckhole u hate, stop bringing urselves n my bby to this dismal place.' and they don't think she's serious but the next time they come to visit, she doesn't meet them, so. yup. serious it is. billy, max, n baby take neil's life insurance money and head off to cali.

this is a modern au, okay, inmates sneaking smartphones into the prison n all that. so susan makes deals and friends and does favors, and gets some help from the ones who are good at bitcoin and scams and counterfeiting and what have you. this enables her to do discreet online "shopping." so she gets ducky all kinds of rubber ducks, at least a handful of times a year. the ducks get more unique and less childish as ducky grows. susan apologizes almost every time she talks to the older kids on the phone for like, five yrs. max isn't rly angry with how things ended with neil tho, more so has that residual anger that susan ever got together with neil in the first place. billy doesn't rly know what to feel tbh, accepts the apologies p numbly bc he's too damn exhausted with being the primary caregiver in over his head to even think abt how he feels at the end of the day.

susan gets released on good behavior around the same time ducky comes out, announcing she's a girl. it's an adjustment for billy and max to get used to bc they never rly suspected, but they're 100% supportive. susan is...oddly excited? not for selfless reasons (tho she is earnestly supportive) but bc it's like. not only does that mean trashing the masculine deadname neil had adamantly declared for ducky, but it means all in all, she got out at the perfect time bc she gets to be introduced to the authentic version of her child along w errbody else. makes her feel less left behind, like she didn't miss out on errything despite being put away for a decade. susan moves in with all of them, obvi, in a small house by the seaside filled to the brim with rubber ducks (billy and max also contributed to ducky's collection on birthdays and holidays, the first duck billy ever got has skulls, and the first max ever got is a frankenstein monster duck). home is cluttered, awkward, and tentative but free of fear and ripe with *genuine* new beginnings.

believe me, anonymoose, i am just as surprised as u are at how fuckin long this got.

[ssaalexblake]

20-30

Talk about a ship you feel alone in shipping.: Lilith x Adam in Sabrina? It was always Bananas to me ppl were pissed he was a dude when the story would have been straight up bury the gays otherwise. She’s over 6000 years old! He’s the first person to ever be just Nice to her just for the sake of it. Ever!!! Ofc she’d fall for him. Also thematically it was Very obvious why they made the choices they did. Too bad satan happened. However, it was satisfying to see an alexis denisof character be murdered to forward the story of his love interest. Very satisfying. 

Is there a ship you just don’t get, but have nothing against? I never got jj x hotch. I mean w/e but i never got it. But jj/hotch fans were annoying exactly Never so we always got on fine. idk, a lot of things i go ‘yeah that’s a fine ship i get why u like that’ and just don’t actively ship it? I’m rarely baffled by anything and when i am i usually openly dislike it. ... Baffled by wanda and the vision currently. If ppl get rlly obnoxious about it with that new weird show it will probably move over to the ‘i have something against this’ column. But for now we’re at baffled. 

Which of your ships have the best chemistry? The ship that has the best chemistry is whatever i’m shipping the most at any given time. Currently the doctor and master’s bitter divorcee phase. It’s more fun when they fight. 

Which of your ships deserve better writing? Most all of them???? eh... Jack and Ianto? By which i mean Ianto’s death scene was Shit and ruined what should have been a very painful scene by Not Following In Universe Canon to pull at peoples heart strings when they did Not need to. It would have actually hurt then l o l. I was more upset watching a character i actively disliked die than one i loved because of the nonsense. 

Stamets and Culber in Discovery deserve better writing... A Clusterfuck. Their cute lil fam is cute now but. But last season was So messed up and shouldn’t have been! Because s1 was messed up and shouldn’t have been. And in s3 it’s like nothing happened. Not super impressed. Poor follow through. For Trek’s Iconique first gay couple they’ve done poorly imo. 

This one is kind of cheating b/c i don’t actively ship it probably Because of the shit writing but oh my god, anakin and padme? christensen gets so much shit for his acting but the scripts were so bad they made portman look like a rank amateur so i really don’t blame him in any way. It was kind of an important relationship! It turned out like it was written by an alien who had never met humans before but read a self help book one time. Not good. Bad. No. 

This is on the same theme as above because i was Meant to ship it but the writing was so painful i didn’t, but in Angel? Wesley and Fred? Fucking Awful writing that turned Fred into a prize. Kind of. More like a 2 dimensional Thing Wesley Should want instead of you know... the evil woman he was actually in love with. That kind of objectified Fred. It turned into some kind of disturbing morality parade when Wesley wasn’t good enough for Fred when he’s all dark and broody so had to wait till he was all nice and not morally grey anymore and whittle away the time with an evil lady. The writing for wesley x lilah Knew how fucked up it was and therefore wasn’t as bad, the writing for wesley x fred didn’t realise how fucked up it was and was therefore bad. Lilah’s death was dumb but at least she didn’t die actively at the alter of Wes’ tears. It was really just a whedon show being a whedon show for not brining Lilah back for the final season. 

Do you mostly ship canon pairings? I’m always most swayed by the ships that have the most content which means i’m usually doomed to ship the will they/won’t they ship. So yes. Not because i think they’re better, i just like having more depth to work with. 

Have you ever shipped a pairing before you even started watching the show/movie simply because of gifs and graphics or similar?  U made me ship polo girl and the dude from narnia who can’t act. or was it his brother? That fox show rn with michael sheen as a serial killer??? ppl on here have kinda made me ship bellamy young and lou diamond phillips’ characters. There are gifs of soft face touches where she’s shocked somebody is reaching for her kindly but then Melts into it. I am a sucker. What of it? I’ve not watched any of these things, and i don’t plan to, but fan content Did make me ship it. 

Have you noticed a pattern in your shipping? Is there a romantic dynamic you’re more drawn to? Asshole emotionally constipated lady and emotionally intelligent partner. Two enemies who fall deeply in love, it will never work, they know it, it goes to hell. They love each other still. It’s about the Tragedy!!!!! Honestly, i like my ships two ways; Healthy adult communication and love Or a burning trash fire of unhealthy habits, violence and bad behavior. I will like the in between casually but if u want me to go nuts on a ship i want the extremes. But there has to be love there. Enemies to enemies with benefits to enemies who are in love but still enemies. 

Oh. Also a sucker for requited love that can never be because of The Rules. 

Is there a ship you’ve shipped for most of your life? Helga and Arnold. Sam x Jack... Can i say the nanny? Can i say Miss Fine and Mr Sheffield here? I’ve shipped it way longer than i haven’t by this point. 

Does shipping come easily to you? yes and no? i am chill abt it and can easily deal with p much any ship a show throws at me and work with it, but to get me properly emotionally invested in a ship is Hard.

Do you need to ship something to really enjoy a movie/book/tv show/comic? Name a couple of fandoms in which you have no ships. i already answered this one but no i don’t need ships tbh i just need good characters in general. 

[janiedean]

It's totally OK if you don't want to talk about this since it isn't your ship, but can I ask what you meant when you said you knew DE was endgame because of the way it was written? Like is it about their tropes or their scenes that made that certainty for you? I'm kind of a dummy about the craft-of-writing stuff and when I was watching TVD for the first time years ago I was convinced SE was endgame

it’s okay don’t worry! :D and I mean like... my feelings re d/elena were that it wasn’t necessarily what I was batting for but I thought the writing for it was good and like I cried when they got together forreal in s4 so like it’s not a ship I detest or anything I just was team dalaric first and foremost ;)

anyway mind that I hadn’t exactly put two and two together when watching it but when I caught up with S7-8 last year with the friend who was watching it from the beginning friend in case kind of alerted me on that like SORRY HOW DID PEOPLE THINK THAT IT WAS GONNA END ANY OTHER WAY IT WAS OBVIOUS and when I thought abt it in retrospective it was obvious I just wasn’t paying that much attention back in the day, but like tldr I’ll make it short:

usually endgame ships are not the ones you start the show with unless it’s like... idk something like the superman lois and clark show I used to watch in middle school where THE ENTIRE POINT is showing you that one couple that you know start and end together but like... for that kinda thing usually writers don’t start with the endgame ship bc otherwise the stakes are too low, but given that tvd books have st/elena endgame we could argue it’s not enough which true, but going ahead

basically d/elena was automatically set up as the will they won’t they ship plus the slow burn ship plus the enemies to lovers which regardless of what ppl say is the most obvious trope ya stuff goes for which already would start giving the kill bill sirens about where it goes, because like idk about tvd writers but if *I* wanted to write an endgame ship I would make them work for it (and we can argue that in that sense st/eroline was also... the same in the sense that you had the friends to lovers slow burn thing since S2, then it ended the way it ended but paradoxically st/eroline was written as more of an endgame thing than st/elena was if only for how much they slow burned it)

we can also argue that like... I mean take it for what it is bc I’ve seen s1-beginning of 7 while airing and 7-8 last year and my memory is what it is, but like... god I mean ya stuff with teenagers in general as mains have to do the whole BECOMING AN ADULT arc 90% of the times because they’re marketed to people who start them while they’re still teens and see themselves in the main so like while if it’s unisex or for guys you have the kid going off on adventures and shit if it’s aimed at girls it’s usually romance stuff which in this case means that main has to end up as an adult woman blah blah blah and in that sense... like stefan is obviously in the show the initial *safe* choice that she immediately likes and looks good and like the obviously easy lovely nice person to be with - let’s say more like a comfort zone kinda deal? - while damon is like I DON’T KNOW THIS GUY HE’S EVIL HE’S DANGEROUS SHOULD I TRUST HIM OR NOT HE’S HOT BUT HMMM and then turns out that it’s not as easy as that (and I appreciate the show was... very not stereotypical about it let’s just put like that) but basically stefan is loveydovey teenage safe relationship material and damon is adult complicated TRUE LOVE BUT I HAVE TO WORK FOR IT material (from elena’s pov ofc) which... has a more satisfying payoff as an eventual endgame bc in picking damon elena basically becomes an adult which is also paralleled with her being a vampire - like she’s a human with stefan and a vampire with damon before the whole cure thing but you see where I’m going at, like it’s all about symbolism;

that’s talking about elena but like basically from damon’s pov they also wrote the thing as.. his endgame because like idk if it’s gonna make sense but the moment you look at how both stefan and damon relate to elena, and I’m saying this as someone who back when airing was absolutely into st/elena and was lowkey rooting for it until I realized it was dead and gone and then I just went like WELL D/ELENA AND ST/EROLINE ARE GOOD SHIPS FINE THEN so this is hardly st/elena bashing on my side or anything, like... for damon it’s a lot more high stakes to be with elena than it was for stefan? like okay they were in love in the beginning but the way damon is into elena is a lot more all-encompassing on his side and you can see that in loving elena he also gets rid of his katherine-related trauma (which like... damon has more katherine-trauma than stefan like ofc stefan has katherine trauma too but damon beats it) because he manages to leave her behind and like.. stefan didn’t have those stakes with elena? and like the fact that his feelings for elena are framed in extremely romanceworthytragical-like terms (I mean I didn’t even ship it and I cried at that scene in what S2 episode 9 where he compelled her to forget stuff like... that shit is written like GREAT AMAZING ROMANCE STUFF in comparison to how st/elena was written) and that they had to work for it (bc there was the compulsion thing first then she forgot him then she was *dead* blah blah blah) put a lot more emotional payoff in the eventual endgame that it was than if damon had died, stefan had stayed single etc, like... they didn’t set up st/elena as the ship that had to overcome trauma over trauma to stay together while with d/elena they did, so XD

like tldr all of d/elena’s interactions in retrospective were written the way you write The Romance Of The Show and if the writers didn’t intend it from the get go then they look better than they actually are

also I can add that back when I watched this movie I hadn’t seen gone with the wind, which the friend in question had seen, and I was bluntly told ‘sorry in that scene in S1 where she dances with him at the school thing and she comes down the stairs they were framed exactly like scarlett and rhett in gone with the wind and you’re telling me it wasn’t meant to be endgame’ so there’s that too X°D

[dreamerology]

my biggest i love monsta x ever!!!!

no offence but if u had told me a year ago that these seven boys would have had this much of an impact on my life and not only that but i still love them as much now as i did on day one (maybe even more) i’d say u were lying. usually my interests come and go in phases and nothing has ever lasted as long as mx???? but i rly truly cannot imagine my life without them at this point. in fact, the 2-3 months at the very beginning of uni where i stopped having time for them and thought i was moving on were the worst of this year (ofc that wasn’t the only reason those months were hard, but feeling like i was falling out of love w mx hurt more than id care to admit). they’ve brought me so much happiness and connected me with so many amazing people and not 2 be cheesy but made me into a better person! like they just continue to have the biggest positive influence in my life and i got the opportunity to meet one of my best friends bc of them, i’ll forever be thankful for them

i know i havent been w mx since the beginnign but!!!! even just seeing shownu grow so much this year has made me sooooo happie!!!!!! i Love how u can just see he’s more comfortable now and seems a lot more at ease……..the fact that hes comfortable enough to host his own solo vlives and no offence but theres not a single thing i dont love abt that man! hes so fucking funny….like its sorta weird humor?? dad humor almost? BUT HES HONESTLY FUNNY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING hes just reached a point where he’s got no filter and will just say whatever and sometimes even the wording will make me laugh dkjfhkjsd the true underrated comedian of the group tbh. hes so selfless too bicht………….i still cant believe he split the money from his solo event w the other members My Heart :-((((((( and when hes on a solo schedule he’s always mentioning the others!!! nd doesnt let anyone forget abt them, they rly are one big family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO HIS SMILE is the cutest shit ive ever seen!!!!! like when he smiles rlllly big nd his eyes crinkle nd he :D and his big “ha ha ha” ,,,,music 2 my ears!!!!!!!! i wish he could be that happy forever. hes the biggest softest teddy bear i just wanna give him a giant hug???

fun fact wonho was the first member i knew abt nd was able to recognize nd such!! my friend who helped me get into mx talked abt him a lot so i grew to love him before i even knew the others!!! actually hes probably still the one i know the most abt bc of her? anyways! angels exist and wonho is living proof of that! his love for mbbs is on a whole other plane of existance???? ive never felt this loved nd appreciated as a fan before nd its all genuine!!!!!. wonho is a monbebebebe first and a monsta second. hes just so full of love….im convinced thats why hes so Large he needs to fit his heart in his body somehow...hes just got so much love to give!!!!!!! he is the most thoughtful and caring person??? like not even towards monbebes and his memebrs but like at the end of mxray when he made sure to buy all the staff and crew little gifts as well, my heart grew 3 sizes for him!!!!!! and im so soo soooooooooooooosososooo proud of him to have some of his songs on the albums this year and not only that but! from zero getting a stage on tv!!!!!! his song!!!! he did that!!!!!! his hard work paid off….i hope he continues to be able to produce more music this year! oh one last thing, i love how? childish he is??? idk if thats the right word but hes always teasing or changing or playing around w the other members and hes always being goofy and laughing and it just makes my heart!!!!! rly happy nd warm

what is there left 2 be said abt minhyuk that i havent already said yet jdfshkjdhf i just! Love Everything abt that boy :-((((((( i love his sunshiney positive personality that never fails to cheer me up, i love how caring he is and how he always makes sure to be there for his members and makes himself open for them, i love his uneven blink, i love how soft his voice is and how it sounds exactly how sunshine looks, i love his fingers go sorta crooked when he makes a peace sign, i love his laugh and how silly he is, i love his thoughtful and serious side, i love how smart he is, i love his toothy smile, i love when hes on stage and he looks so radiant and glowing and u can see how happy he is and how he was truly built to shine, i love his ears, i love how affectionate and loving he is, i love his one (1) dimple, i love how sometimes he just says the weirdest shit…...like i rly wanna understand what hes thinking sometimes, i love how cute he looks wearing hats or how soft he looks in giant sweaters, i love him sooooooo much my heart hurts

can u believe i didn’t used to love kihyun this much? past me was a whole fool! i’ll try to keep this one sorta short too since i’ve already written a love essay for him but! once again i rly do love him w my whole heart!!!!!! absolutely Everything he does is so endearing and i loooove how he cares so much….he rly went and made us our own season's greeting for free nd his photography is rly No Joke! hes so talented nd u can rly see how passionate he is abt it!!!!! it makes me so so happy seeing him talk abt it, like he just lights up its the best thing ive ever seen. i Love his smile!!!! when his face scrunches up and u can see the little dimples on his cheeks and see all his teeth and he laughs and throws his head back or hits whoever’s closest to him or just collapses thats Good Shit!!!!!!!! im so glad he’s happy enough to be able to smile like that!!!!!!! it makes my heart tingle thinking abt him being happy. he rly is the cutest, i love him nd all his beauty marks :D !! nd no offense but hes never had a bad hair colour/style nd thats the tea on that!

chae hyungwon 2018’s lord nd saviour????????? anyways its about Damn Time i write him a love essay :-((((( having both best friends being hyungwon biased ive secretly been converted 2 a whole chaebebe….their love rubbed off on me!!! i love it :D idk where to start...gosh hes seriously so hardworking????? im soooooo so soo so proud of him!!! icb he picked up djing as a hobby nd then made it to a big festival, is on mix and the city and has released not one but two (2) songs only months later!!!!!!!!! we love a talented man!!!!!!! nd his dancing bichksjdfhsdj hes so fluid nd smooth when he dances…...i always find myself watching him first in group practices like there something rly captivating abt him?? please let him show us more of his dancing its So Good. also hes got the nicest voice…...its so deep wtf...but like its So Calming 2 listen to? especially when hes sleepy nd its extra raspy? Good Shit! and when he sings!!!!!!!! bicshjkdfhksdhj hes got one of my fave vocal voices i rly wish he got the lines he deserves :((( hes! So! Cute! jfhsdjfhs he gets embarrassed so easily and always makes the goofiest faces but i love it….he covers his smile sometimes too :-((( i wish he wouldnt its So Bright nd cute nd warm just like he is!!!! hyungwon’s smile is the 8th wonder of the world thats just the facts folks!

mister jooheon……….the true example of the duality of man. i dont understand how he can go from his scaredy cat self to and Actual God,,,blows my mind. i’m pretty sure i’ve said this at least a hundred times but his stage presence is truly Unreal……..its on a whole other level…….ive never seen them live but if i ever do i fear for my life. nd i know once it’s over im only gonna know one (1) man and that man is lee jooheon. but at the same time hes rly The Cutest id trust him w my life???? his eyes are so warm!!!!!! And his Big Smile!!!!!!!!!!! his dimples? deeper than the marianas trench, i wanna build my home in them nd raise my family there. hes such a talented dude!!!! mx don’t have a single bad song thenks jooheon! also for the first couple months i’d alway forget he was one of the youngest? like hes very mature too nd seems very responsible djfhkjsdhfjsd idk how he was the only one 2 be able to keep it together during their first win 2 give the speech…..hes so strong. i love him so much :-( hes so cute nd gentle nd thoughtful...truly the biggest angel who deserves the world!!!!!!!!!!

i think if there's any member i would actually get along best w it would b changkyun. we’re both rly similar from what i can tell...like sorta quiet, but loud around those we’re comfortable with!!! first off hes so funny nd…..weird but like in a good way sdjfhksdjhf sometimes i rly just think he says the first thing that comes to his mind “actually we have a baby” ????? who let him \…..he always makes me laugh reading his fansign notes too omg that being said hes also one of the most serious members at times i feel like. hes just got this rly mature vibe nd he handles things rly well??? idk if that makes sense but Yeah. he’s just someone who’s not rly afraid 2 be themselves, i wish that were me??? ive got so much to learn from them. also icb he literally invented being cute???? he doesn't even have 2 try hes just adorable!!!!!! like his laugh nd smile? The Best!!!!! and when u can see his lil dimples yeahhhhh hes sooo super sweet and cheesy. i looooove how close hes gotten w the other members despite their rough start, they rly are a family nd im glad hes comfortable around them it rly warms my heart!!!!! whenever hes getting showered in love my heart !!!!!!! its what he deserves!

on that note, the one thing i think that has stayed with me more than anything is that one fansign note where ck was asked how he wants to be remembered in the future, when they only occasionally thought abt him and his answer was “that i gave you happiness” and not 2 b a sentimental shit but fuck! i cry every time i think abt that!!!!!!! bc i Know there’s gonna come a day where i don’t think abt them at all! there’s gonna be a day where i won’t think abt them until i see something that jogs my memory and jolts me back to this time and even tho this year has been rough i know i always will remember how much happiness they’ve brought me. i’ll remember how they were able to cheer me up when nothing else worked. i hope one day i’ll be able to feel the Pure Joy i felt when they got their first win….i’ve never felt anything like that before. i cant wait to be able to look back in nostalgia at all the happiness they’ve brought me.

anyways that got real sappy towards the end i gotta blast now bye!

[dastardlydandelion]

more rubber duck ‘verse

misc tidbits abt what i’ve dubbed the rubber duck ‘verse fic i won’t write bc i’m attached now.

under the cut bc it’s long. 

max’s residual anger toward susan is complicated. she’s angry that her mother ever got together with someone like neil, that she spent yrs growing up in fear and that she has to bear the impact of that by proxy of susan’s decision to marry neil. but she also loves her siblings v much and she wouldn’t have them if susan didn’t get together with neil, and that gives her all kinds of weird feelings. acknowledges her mother was also a victim in the situation, isn’t rly angry at how it ended with neil but nonetheless wishes the rest of them could’ve left sooner— and left without the bloodshed —bc she defo believes neil deserved what he got, but she doesn’t believe susan or the rest of them deserved the fallout. she didn’t rly want to spent a decade without her mother and helping a v unprepared billy raise a child. :( 

before neil’s slaying, at one point susan comes home whilst a babysitting billy’s stereo is blaring and she’s like?? ‘the heck?? ur gonna make the bby cry,’ >:( and billy’s all, ‘no, this is literally why it isn’t crying anymore,’ and shuts off the stereo to prove it. sure enough, ducky wakes up and promptly starts bawling. susan is speechless, totally mystified.

even long after neil’s slaying, when ducky’s living with her siblings in cali, she cannot sleep unless she blasts a lil metal before bedtime. it puts her at ease.

ducky looks more like neil than susan. has neil’s hair, neil’s eyes. gets the tall genes from both of them tho. grows tall v early on tbh, shoots up like a fucking weed. ends up around billy’s height even going from puberty blockers to hrt. ducky does not have susan’s proportionately long legs, she’s got more of a long torso.

speaking of susan’s legs for days, uh. part of the emotional abuse on neil’s end was constantly degrading and nitpicking her appearance to the point that susan felt like a hideous blob. while she’s in prison she genuinely doesn’t notice when other inmates fight over her. even when one fight gets so bad the shivs come out and one lady gives the other a buck fifty to the face, susan is completely oblivious that she’s what’s being fought over.  

ducky doesn’t just collect rubber ducks, she kinda waddles like a duck too, is the exact opposite of athletic. max tries to teach her to skateboard on numerous occasions, all of which end in scrapes and bruises, a grand total of three prompting visits to the emergency room. billy tries to play basketball with ducky and the poor thing can’t get the ball in the hoop even once. he also accidentally knocks her out when she fails to catch his pass and the ball hits her so hard in the face that when she drops, billy swears he sees the lil’ cartoon birds flying around her head.

ducky is v good at building things tho. has an affinity for super complicated lego projects. makes a hammerhead shark for billy’s 30th bday and it’s literally life-size.

max sticks around even after she’s eighteen both to help billy with ducky and bc, like. yk. it’s a modern au. equipped with the modern cost of living in cali. neil’s life insurance only went so far. max saves more staying at home, goes to community college and works in the cafeteria on campus. it takes her awhile to graduate bc she changes her major several times, but by the time susan’s out, she has her degree…and finds herself working a menial job in a skate shop anyway. yk how it goes tho, lotta competition out there and sadly community college degrees are often undervalued. max likes the skate shop tho. quickly rises from an associate to managerial position bc she’s v good at setting the customers up with the right boards.

susan’s return is p awkward for everyone, to say the least. at this point max has worked thru most of that residual, complex anger, and she and susan have written each other letters over the yrs where the reality of the household was addressed v frankly and she didn’t hold back expressing those feelings at all. nonetheless, some traces of anger still remain and while she’s glad to have her mom back, susan too is adjusting to life outside in an entirely different state and she’s not quite the person max remembers.

susan actually has a lot of trouble coping with freedom. even before being incarcerated, she lived according to neil’s rules and demands. being completely and utterly in charge of herself is a struggle to adapt to. sometimes she asks billy and max permission for small, odd things neither of them would ever care abt and it just. makes max. so, so sad.

billy is often ??? when it comes to susan. tbvh he’s grateful she killed neil and that fucks with his head a lil. bc neil was his parent and yes, he did love him. he hates that he loved him, but he did. and he wonders if that love is why he didn’t kill neil himself, bc he 100% thought abt it. he also has no idea if susan regrets it or not, has no clue whatever her various apologies over the yrs were for. killing neil, being promoted to parent against his will, or for errything that came even before the night of the slaying. susan turning away, shutting her eyes to his bruises. 

also at first billy’s unsure if susan thinks she’s going to be head of household upon her return. since she’s like, the oldest and natal mother of max n ducky. this defo reveals itself to be an untrue concern in every way, quite the opposite. susan can barely comprehend freedom, let alone being in charge. some days susan dead ass asks billy permission to leave the dinner table even if she’s the one who cooked dinner.

ducky is also ??? when it comes to susan for v different reasons. she’s known the exact circumstances of susan’s incarceration since she was seven. before that, billy and max would be vague abt what she was locked up for and they never rly talked abt neil much beyond, ‘ur better off without him, he sucked big time.’

max is the one who eventually goes into graphic detail with ducky abt the whole thing bc she remembers that night and what happened before susan got home. how she had to step in bc she was fucking terrified neil was going to literally kill baby ducky. how she actually hit neil for the v first time even tho she’d wanted to many, many times. how she hit and kept hitting him, pummeling her fists against his body until he put ducky down. but once he did, that meant it was his turn. and ofc, neil hit much harder. max vividly recalls how badly her eye throbbed, swollen shut for two days. her nose wasn’t broken but it bled a whole lot, over her lips, into her mouth, down her chin, and the taste of blood lingered awfully.

ducky is naturally disturbed by the whole thing but her feelings toward susan aren’t as complicated as max’s or even billy’s for that matter. she doesn’t remember neil at all. and while she’s also written and received letters from susan, as well as the illicitly ordered rubber ducks, and she knows in a distant way susan is her mother, it doesn’t actually *feel* like she is. it feels more like susan is a kind of…special penpal, tbh. billy remains the person ducky goes to for parental guidance.

ducky still wants to get closer to susan tho. when the time comes for her to legally change her name, she asks susan to write a list of names she would’ve considered had she been afab, and goes on to choose one from the list.

even before she came out tho, ducky was p much called by her nickname at home anyway. both billy and max knew neil had picked her (dead)name out and neither of them rly wanted to acknowledge that. neither of them rly wanted to deal with the remaining traces of neil in their lives any more than they had to, any more than they already grappled with.

ducky has quite the degree of success getting susan into legos. this surprises both max and billy. but in prison susan would do crafts whenever available and she enjoyed stacking cups and stuff during rec time, so it’s not hard to translate these hobbies into legos. they build p neat things together sometimes— however, the hammerhead is all ducky, come billy’s birthday. she wanted to do that specially for her big bro, all by herself.

now, susan’s birthday present to billy is a big ass breakdown after midnight. lots of snotty sobbing. she hugs him so hard she’s hurting him a lil tbh and just apologizes profusely for errything and thanks him for taking care of her kids even tho he shouldn’t have had to. billy thanks susan too— it takes a min for her to figure out what for. bc they don’t talk abt that. no one’s mentioned that since she’s been out.

susan just nods a lil bit and lets go. they eat some more cake. life goes on. everything gets less awkward in time. susan stops asking for permission to move freely. ducky keeps filling up the shelves with rubber ducks of every variety, and dnd becomes another one of her interests in middle school, a hobby max nostalgically revisits with her. billy’s returned to surfing recreationally. swims a lot, finds it soothing and it helps keep him in shape. is a good low-impact workout to balance the weightlifting he still defo does, stereo blaring. 

getting a job for convicted felons is difficult but eventually susan finds work on a commercial goat farm. she learns to herd goats and takes them out to areas where there are invasive grasses or dry brush particularly vulnerable to wildfire. the goats graze on the invasive vegetation and the dry brush, which helps prevent wildfires. no, i’m srs, this is an actual thing. she likes the goats a lot. they’re easier to talk to than ppl, sometimes.