#I’ve been pretty vocal about the reason for my drop in activity on this blog being my busy schedule with school and work

[djxrxn]

the mediator

part one

reader x din djarin, paz vizsla, boba fett

part one, part two, part three, epilogue

warnings: cursing, mentions of violence, mentions of criminal activity, maybe a crude reference or two

wordcount: 4.4k

summary: A friend on Nevarro offers you a well-paying job, but you realize you might have bitten off more than you can chew when a Mandalorian you wronged is on planet - and in between you and your next paycheck.

a/n: okay Uh hi so welcome to the mediator lol. i’ve started school for the fall semester, everything for me is online, and i’m an art major, so Everything Is On Fire. in terms of the blog, i’m working on quite a few things so if there’s something you were looking forwards to seeing, or like a request you submitted, i have seen it don’t worry, it will be written i promise!! i can’t prioritize it all rn because classes are pretty demanding, but in the spare time i have, a Lot is in the works so !! exciting!! this fic has three parts and an epilogue, which i’m working on now!! also i absolutely have to thank @jangofctts who has let me bother her about this fic for a Hot minute she’s pretty much the reason it’s written she was very extremely helpful and was the best set of second eyes i could ask for thank u so much i love you!!!! okay enjoy!!

Maker, you hated Nevarro.

The terrain was rocky and… empty. There were no settlements or major cities - you were so used to the bustle of planets in the Inner Rim. Wealthy elites with deep pockets, neon and electricity carving a place into the long nights - it was more home than anything else had ever been. But here? It was a volcanic wasteland, the hot and sticky air wavering around you as you trudged through the gravel, making your way slowly to the only inhabited area on this shithole of a backwater planet. This was not home, it wasn’t even familiar territory.

Arrey was lucky you were friends with her.

You weren’t even sure what Ives had wanted - all you had received was a vague transmission about a job that was sure to pay well, as long as you stayed calm, conducted yourself in a civil and calm manner, that sort of thing.

“But,” the transmission had crackled, the soft baritone of Ives’ voice echoing around your cockpit, “You are the best with this sort of thing, Coins. I have no doubts.”

You scoffed when you heard the nickname. You thought you had finally left it behind, but here was Ives, bringing up that stupid nickname she gave you. She only used it when she had a job for you that would require some... finessing. It was concerning, but the last good job you had was a few bond skippers. You were low on fuel, and you were starting to dip into emergency resources. Ives’ high risk jobs usually set you up for a few months at a time, as opposed to the normal pocket change you got on a bounty.

Whatever she had in store, you could handle for a few credits.

The sun was setting behind you as you laid eyes on the poor excuse for civilization ahead of you, the vibrant oranges and pinks you were used to being represented by a growing dark haze. The small settlement - a town, a territory, a place to rest your feet for a bit - was just as dry as the rest of the planet. There were no buildings that were taller than three stories, and only a handful of ships were docked in the outskirts of town.

It would be easier to enter through a small side entrance. The front of the town would be crowded, even so late in the evening, and if you were on Mandalorian business, it was best to be subtle. You were annoyed at how familiar you were with the layout of the small town, annoyed that you knew the best way to approach the job already - even an Inner City scam job would have to be more interesting than whatever shit Ives was about to have you up to.

You slipped between the space between the two buildings, worming your way through the alley. Not much activity on the streets - you were sure that this whole planet closed up shop at soon as the sun threatened to set.

A noise of disgust left your throat as you laid eyes on the small market ahead of you. It was so… quaint. Only a few jawas and merchants were loitering around still. Even if you wanted a quick coin, you were sure that they would be much smarter than to fall for any of your schemes. However many credits it would take to get back to the Inner Rim would all have to come from Ives.

The fob gave a soft pip as you passed a stand selling spare droid bits. Metal screws and circuit boards all strewn about, a tan R2 unit beeping and chirping behind the table - the Chagrian repairing the droid gave you a glare when you passed him, but you hadn’t even noticed.

You were staring down at your wrist - a small bounty fob had been stitched to an old bracer. Wires poked out of the side, and you hadn’t been sure that it still worked. But it gave another small pip, and you couldn’t help but smile.

How many years ago had Ives Arrey given you that bracer, telling you to stick close to her on your first job together? She was much more prepared for a dangerous situation - she was quick on her trigger, ready to start firing at the drop of a pin. You’re sure that the only reason you made it out alive on that heist was how fast she was able to dispose of the other members of your team.

The fob’s beeps grew quicker and quicker as you walked through the settlement. Its little shrieks bounced off the walls and buildings. You turned a corner, following the beeps, and two gloved hands stopped you from crashing into the person in front of you. A gasp tore its way out from your throat - your hand flew to your blaster on your thigh, ripping it out of the holster and -

“Hey,” a soft baritone echoed through a voice vocoder. It was smooth and calming, and it carried a heaviness to it, like an old dark lullaby. “Relax, relax, it’s just me.”

You blinked. It was your friend but this… this was not the Ives you remembered. Her armor was dark, and had color to it - it was hard to see it in the night, but it looked like a bright green accent around the pitch black of her owl-like visor. The longer you looked at her, the more you saw the deep green that covered all of her beskar.

“You look… different,” you smiled.

“So do you,” she responded with a chuckle. “You changed your hair.”

After a shrug, you respond, “I was getting bored, but you look incredible - what, did they let you finally paint your armor?”

“Yeah, actually. I earned my signet,” she said. Ives gestured to her pauldron where a serpent was coiled up, baring its fangs.

“Wicked cool worm,” you teased, clicking off the fob around your wrist.

She punched your shoulder lightly. “Vexis,” Ives corrected. “It’s a Vexis, from Pasaana. Remember the job I took on Pasaana?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember.” You rolled your eyes, but Ives huffed. Her visor tipped down in a Mandalorian glare.

“Hey,” she warned. Ives let out a little huff as you flashed a cheesy grin at her. “Maker help me, Coins ”

“Okay, okay.” You held your hands in surrender. “It’s a Vexus.”

“Remember that,” she said, turning on her heels and walking down the alleyway. It didn’t take much for you to keep up with her, her legs making smaller strides than yours did. Her cape fluttered around her ankles as she walked, and you couldn’t help but notice how Mandalorian she looked. She was…

She was intimidating.

“It’s a lot to take in, right?”

You nodded. She sighed and tugged on the edge of her glove. “Yeah, it’s still a lot for me too.”

“When did you get the upgrade?” The sun was completely gone, nothing but a small moon to show you how intricate the patterns on her armor was. Small leaves and vines had been engraved on her chest plate, a streak of yellow ran amongst every piece of beskar, and a small smear of red had been painted on under her signet.

“Actually, very recently,” she said. “A few days before, well, before you were needed.”

“Right, ” you hummed, “And that is...?”

Ives glanced over her shoulder “A very sensitive matter,” she whispered.

You huffed. Before you could even get out a comment, she continued, “That I will get to. I want to get a little bit closer.”

“Closer to?”

You were almost positive you could see her roll her eyes in the way her helmet tilted back and forth. “I’m going to need you to be a little more patient, please.”

“Ives, come on.” Your brow furrowed. You knew Ives to be careful, but this was being conservative with the details of your next paycheck. “And you’re being vague on purpose - just tell me-”

“I don’t want the wrong person overhearing,” she hissed.“ That’s all-”

“Well, well, well-” A Middle Rim accent sounded behind you, gentle and smooth. A long, armored arm crashed down onto your shoulders, and you were jerked back. “I thought I heard my favorite little criminal. I wasn’t aware that Coins stepped foot on planets that, what did you say again, ‘smelled like on fire ass’?”

You let out a small sigh of relief - you wrapped an arm around the willow torso you had been smushed up against. “Aw, Aeris, you know I couldn’t stay away from you for long.”

“Wow, I’m so honored you came all the way to see me.” You could hear the wicked smile coming through his vocal modulator. “But I know you don’t come to the Outer Rim unless you leave with heavier pockets.”

“You’re right.” It’s your turn to give a wicked smile. “I don’t.”

“So, who are you scamming this time?” He pinched your cheeks with his spare hand. “Stealing from children or widows?”

“Technically, Aeris she’s stealing from us,” Ives interjected. You gently punched his unarmored side, and he sagged on top of you with a dramatic groan.

“Mortally wounded,” he groaned. “And confused - how is she stealing from us?”

Ives paused, coming to a stand still - you almost tripped over Aeris’ feet as he mirrored her movements.

After a moment of silence, the only noise was the quiet night slowly coming to life around you, Aeris mumbled something in Mando’a under his breath after a moment, almost trying to fill the silence himself. When you looked up at his dark visor, he just shook his head.

You looked at Ives - her visor was pointed towards the ground, and she was picking at her glove again, tugging at the leather around her hands. You were familiar with these habits - you had seen Ives look at the ground and fidget with her hands hundreds of times before. She was carefully planning her next actions, quickly considering her options before she chose the best one.

She let out a low hum, and looked back at you.

“The leader of our Covert has given me authority to find a mediator to sort out a complication that arose on a job,” Ives said. “I’ve chosen you.”

You blinked. “Me?”

She gave a single nod.

“Sh-shouldn’t you find, I don’t know, maybe a Mandalorian mediator?”

“Our leader has explicitly forbidden any other Mandalorians interfering,” she explained calmly. “She wants unbiased and impartial help.”

“Even in negotiations?” You choked out.

“Oh, please,” Aeris chimed in, “Especially in negotiations. An outside perspective is supposed to be helpful.”

“Unbiased and extremely helpful, yes.” Ives added. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

“Okay, so I’m negotiating between a few Mando’s, what’s the catch?” You said, being tugged along by Aeris. Ives and Aeris both glanced at you for a moment before looking back to , neither bothering to voice what they were thinking until you continued.

“Why did you ask for me specifically?” You sighed. “And what’s the catch - if it were an easy negotiation, you could have contracted anybody in the Outer Rims.”

“Well, we do like a mediator with a sense of style,” Aeris said, nudging at Ives.

“Because I know you. I know what you’re capable of, and I know your specialties. You’re good with money, you’re good at finding a way to split it up-”

“Is this what this is about? You want me to split shares?” You groaned. “Maker, Ives, I could have done that anywhere, why did I have to come here-”

“It’s not as clean and simple as that,” she interjected. “There are three Mandalorians who need three even shares of a profit. The amount doesn’t split evenly, and all three are trying to argue that they deserve a larger portion of the credits that the others.”

You let out a short breath. “I still don’t see-”

“These Mandalorians are hostile, especially when there’s money involved.” She pointed at her signet, the Venus on her shoulder. “The Way mandates a base level of respect, but I’m afraid it’s not going to last for much longer - if someone doesn’t work this out, there’s a good chance it could get violent.”

“Let them fight it out, then. Whoever wins the fight, they get the credits - simple?” You suggested.

“Our leader has instructed us to further this out peacefully,” Ives shook her head, “As not to draw attention to us.”

“With those three di’kut, they’d start a whole galactic war over this shit, so it’d be best to keep things slightly subtle.”

“Don’t be an ass, Fenn,” Ives chided. She let out a sigh and didn’t speak for a moment, carefully chewing her next words slowly. “But Aeris has a point, they can be difficult-”

“See, there, I do have a point,” you didn’t have to see his face to know he had a smirk plastered across his face - you could practically see every emotion he felt through his arms, and his voice, and through the way he let little phrases of Mando’a out when he didn’t want anyone to know he was insulting them.

“Thank you, Aeris, it’s greatly appreciated.”

“These Mando’s really care this much about a job?” You mumbled. You apparently had a lot in common with them - you couldn’t say that you wouldn’t feel the same, but something wasn’t adding up.

Aeris shrugged. “Money goes a long way in the Outer Rim.”

“Maybe so, but how exactly did this job go down?” You asked. “I’m not really seeing an issue yet.

“I don’t know everything, but I know that Vizla and Djarin sort of bumped into each other on a quarry, which means they have to cute the profit in parts already,” he said, “But I have no idea where Fett came from, or how he got involved on the job-”

You let out a small choking noise, but Aeris continued on. “-So Djarin is pissed, naturally, because he’s out on cash, but if he thinks he can get away will all of the credits, he hasn’t met Vizsla.”

“Or Fett,” Ives added. “Which... Fett isn’t exactly known for letting money walk away.”

Aeris snorted. “Maker, Coins, you’re in for it.”

You felt like you’d been punched - the air in your lungs was stolen from you so quickly that it took you a moment to remember how to breathe in the first place. Your blood turned to ice. You felt fucking sick.

Fuck.

Fuck - fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I don't-”

Your mouth moved before you could fully think out the consequences of bowing out from the job. You would be out money, and time, and Maker, you were in the middle of fucking nowhere.

But if you took this job, you were pretty sure that the only thing you’d be walking away with was a hole in your chest from one of Fett’s rifles.

Or head. Or, fuck, probably both.

You cleared your throat. “I, uh, I don’t want this job.”

Ives snorted. “Alright, sure.”

You nudged Aeris off of you, and you planted your feet. You weren’t doing this, you couldn’t do this job.

“Ives, no. I- I can’t do this job- I won’t negotiate the shares, you’re on your own!”

Ives stopped. You hadn’t been aware that you were shouting, not until both Mandalorians turned to look at you. You swallowed - you could almost see the shock on their face through their helmets.

“We both know that you wasted too much money on fuel to turn around without something,” Ives said, her voice calm and steady. You wouldn’t expect Ives to actually shout back at you, but you couldn’t help the slightly guilt that tugged at you as she turned back around. “You need to work on your bluffing skills - quickly. They’re not gonna take any shit.”

“She’s right.” Aeris shook his head. “Since when are you bad at lying?”

They started walking again, boots stomping out a quick pattern, Aeris tugging you along by your arm, almost dragging you behind him, and you couldn’t fucking breath.

Boba Fett was cold and calculated. He was a fucking murderer - there was hardly job he didn’t follow through on, rarely a job he didn’t see finished. He took up a contract with the Empire, last official thing you heard, and then he disappeared for a few years.

Then, he reappeared, almost twice as ruthless.

You knew Fett - you only worked with him once, but you were close enough to hear the rumors that he had a personal vendetta against you. You knew that he was looking for blood, and you knew that if he was here on Nevarro, and if he knew you were here, you fucking knew you wouldn’t be leaving here alive.

“How often do you work with bounty hunters as notorious as our own Fett?” Aeris chimed, almost reading your mind.

“I- I think it's been a while,” you choked out. Your voice was trembling, they must have heard it. Aeris just cocked his head to the side, a sliver of moonlight catching on his black helmet. “But I guess it depends.”

“Depends?” He asked. “Oh, oh, of course. The money.”

His long arm curled around your neck, bringing your head closer to his torso. Aeris was limber and thin, but he was still capable of being dangerous. He was just as lethal as any other Mandalorian you were going to meet tonight.

“I almost forgot that you don’t do anything unless there’s a credit for you,” he said, his voice dripping with malice, the jab feeling like a threat. “Which, Arrey, why don’t you tell our friends here how much is at stake.”

Your stomach felt like it was twisting up into a knot. For the first time ever on a job, you didn’t even want to know about the credits - how much you were about to make, how much was being argued over it, none of it. You just wanted out.

Not that Ives would let you out, you supposed, but the less you knew-

“The bounty was for fifty-two million credits,” Ives answered. “Djarin said it was a high profile bond skipper - they had racked up thousands of millions of dollars-”

You didn’t hear the rest of Ive’s explanation. The only thing you could focus on was the rush of your blood. Your heartbeat was so loud in your own ears. The whole world faded away, slinking around you in a confusing sludge. The hot air was stifling you. It was too heavy, too thick. Your lungs couldn’t work with it, couldn’t filter through it - your chest felt light it might explode.

Fifty-two million credits.

You wanted to sleep. You wanted to close your eyes and let everything wash away. You could wake up on your ship, somewhere nice, somewhere you could get a nice breakfast. Maybe you could even find a good cup of caf. You could have a great day, and this whole shitty situation would be a distant nightmare.

Maker, you would kill to just wake up from all of this. If you fucked this up, forget Fett, you would have three Mandalorians on your ass. And if they were anything like Fett…

This was so far out of your realm of expertise. Even the job you worked with Fett was only for a couple of hundred-thousand credits. The most money you had ever worked for - acquired, earned, stolen, it didn’t matter. It was for one million credits. It was the job you met Ives on, the one where she saved your life, taught you how to rob a bank.

It was a pretty large heists for you - all you had known was petty theft and maybe a break-in, and even that was extremely rare. An old contact reached out to you, said he was trying to build up a team that wouldn’t mind cutting a few corners, and you certainly could look the other way for a few credits.

And so could Ives. You met her on Daxan IV - all grey beskar with chunks and bits missing. Old scraps of other armor had been fused into her chest plate, and her cuisses over her thigh was scraped and dented. The only pop of color was a dark green cowl that hung over her helmet, and even that was dark.

You remember making a snide comment about her bowcaster, and you remember her quietly throwing back something just as crude about how many layers you were wearing. At the end of the day, when the guns were pointed at you, that bowcaster had saved your life - Ives had saved you.

She was calm and collected in a firefight, but couldn’t handle the finessing and haggling that came with bounty hunting. You were a smooth talker, you were proud of that, but staying cool in a firefight…

You just had different priorities. Ives and you became a team, reaching out when the other needed a right hand woman for a job.

And you were grateful - Ives’ jobs were always well paying, but they normally came with a catch. One job she brought you along for was connected to the Rebellion, so the Imps were on your ass for months, one job was screwing up the numbers on a Hutt accountant’s book, one job was literally just fucking arson. There was always something - you didn’t think that there’d be something on this job, that maybe this would be the most straightforward job Ives gave you.

Well, here was the fucking catch - here were multiple fucking catches.

“Any other way you can raise the stakes, Arrey?” You snarked. Your voice sounded strained and high pitched. Maker, you wanted to at least appear like you knew what you were doing.

Ives cocked her head to the side. “Not that I can think of… Unless you have something to add, Aeris?”

You felt as he shrugged. “That’s more than I even knew.” He laughed - something short and dry, more out of cruelty than of pure humor. “Can’t wait to hear the deats when I get back.”

“Back?” You asked a little too quickly. You hadn’t seen either of them in quite a long while, and it would make you feel a lot better if they were right behind you for this entire mediation.

You could feel the little breath he let out, the small huff that made his chest expand. “Job off planet, Coins.”

You poked his unarmored sides, and leaned your head against him. “Try not to be a dumbass and get yourself killed, Fenn.”

He poked your cheek. “Only for you, chakaar.”

Ives gave him a nod as he removed his arm from you - his hand grazed your shoulder for a moment before he gave a nod back. Aeris tugged his hood over himself, the red streaks of his helmet disappearing beneath the dark wool. He turned the corner, and-

He was gone, and it was just Ives and you.

You waited a minute. Two, three, the minutes slugged along as you just waited.

“What did you do to Fett?” Ives asked quietly.

You blinked. “I- I’m sorry?”

“Aeris was too busy looking down your shirt to notice - or, maybe he didn’t even care, but you look…”

She studied you for a second, then shrugged. “You look scared as shit.”

Boba Fett had reached out to you - he needed an expendable worm who could steal, who could handle cutting corners, yadda yadda, what else was new? It was the same job description and employer type. The only thing that was different was that your boss was covered in beskar.

Job went south almost immediately. Another one of Boba’s associates sold him out to a New Republic squadron - Boba was busy handling that, but you had found the credits stashed in the lower haul, and you dipped.

Only one escape pod on the small vessel - you did feel a little bad, but it was Fett. He would probably be fine.

It was only a few days before you heard that he was looking for you.

He apparently wasn’t that serious about finding you. If he really was serious about it, you would’ve been hunted down and killed already. You head on a stake, your body on a pyre, that sort of thing. Maybe you weren’t Fett’s top priority, but you weren’t going to give him easy access to…

Well, you.

“We, uh, met on a job - like you and me, but, um,” you paused. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to tell her that you ratted out a member of her Covert - the last thing you needed, or wanted, was to cause an issue with Ives. “It didn’t go very well…”

Ives let out a low hum. “I assume you’re the reason for that?”

“Wh- me?” You let out a dramatic gasp. “I’m hurt - for your information, I am not the reason the job didn’t go as planned.”

“Oh? So what’s the reason for you being terrified at the mention of Boba?” Ives put a hand on her hip. When all you did was shrug, she clicked her tongue.

“Well, hopefully he’s forgotten what you’ve done to him by now.”

“Does he- is Fett the forgetful type?” You asked, a glimmer of hope appearing in this ridiculously shitty situation.

She shrugged and gestured to the door to your side - it was rather simple and weathered. “For your sake, I hope so.”

You let out a shaky breath. “Ives, I don’t know-”

“Coins, listen-”

She took a step towards you and gripped your shoulder. She rested her head against yours, and as you peered into the inky visor, you almost felt calm. Like maybe, you weren’t quite alone.

“Hit the fob if there’s trouble, just like always,” she said softly. “I’ll be right outside this door if you need anything, but Djarin and Vizsla should be a buffer between Fett and, uh… you.”

You placed your hand on top of hers and gave a small smile. “Thank you, Ives.”

“You’ll be fine,” she nodded. “Now, go in there, and get your paycheck.”

You nodded and you stepped towards the door. Ives tapped in a short string of numbers on the keypad. The door slid up, the cool air from inside seeping out to meet you - it was tempting, but you couldn’t forget what else was in the room besides air conditioning.

You peered into the room - and inside were three Mandalorians, whose helmets all turned to look at you.

[rwdestuffs]

I need to vent a bit right now, so forgive me if I go a bit… defensive of the show and its characters… Like all the stans I tend to make fun of.

Recently, Soku dropped this and vagued about a “rwde poster” who was defending Yang and Salem. 

Now, I know he’s talking about me. I’m literally the only person who defends Salem in any capacity. Like I said before, in a setting where names are significant to a character (ie: Pyrrha = “Pyrrhic victory”), Salem being named after the period in time where women were falsely accused of crimes is significant. Which is why I tend to lean towards defending her, and bashing the nameless gods who pretty much decided to not give advice, and decided to act like entitled douchebags who treated humanity like a science experiment that they could scrap at any time. Humanity was sentient, and they wiped them out because they couldn’t handle one person being uppity. Seems to me that they were being spoiled brats about the whole thing more than Salem was about Oz’s death. If you’re not willing to fight god for the people you love, then you didn’t really love them in the first place (Looking at you, Abraham).

Now, should Salem had shown more remorse for what happened during the fight?- Absolutely. But the way that she’s being treated right now is that she’s irredeemable. She’s a total monster who can’t handle loss, and was terrorizing people. Last I checked, she was bumming around in her cabin until Light God was all “I know I had this whole thing about balance that I ignored when my brother and I wiped out humanity 1.0, but I’m bringing you back so that you and your ex-wife can fight for my amusement. Try to unite humanity, or else you’ll all get wiped out again!”

For a bunch of supposedly omnipotent gods, they seem to need Oz to solve all their problems… Well… Mainly Light God, but that’s beside the point.

Like… Maybe it’s because I have my own issues where I want Salem to adopt me, and I was also spoiled by fanfics that made her sympathetic and also the ones that outright made her irredeemable in a more blatant sense, but I can’t hate Salem. It’s just not for me. Like… Sokumotanaka claims that Salem could have broken out at any time with her own power.

Okay. Then why didn’t Blake beat up Adam before Volume 5? Why didn’t any of the abuse victims beat up their abusers prior to the show?

Answer: Emotional Manipulation. They get gaslit into thinking that they’re weak. Now, obviously, this should have been shown in the flashback that the writers decided should only last one episode because they think that the audience hates backstories… Because they’re idiots who don’t actually listen to feedback, but they decided to put it in supplementary material. More on that in this video.

Now, onto Yang.

Now look: I’ve said this before. Yang is pretty much the only reason I still watch the show. I recall being pretty miffed about her being stiffed on screentime back in Volume 4, and being very upset and vocal about her being written inconsistently.

But the bar? It has to be a “wretched hive of scum and villainy” at all times for it to be considered a criminal hotspot? I really don’t want to use this card, but… Ever hear of a front? It’s a front so that they can do their shady dealings in the background. Junior’s sure as hell not going to sell out his customers! Now, it could be inferred that he is in fact, telling the truth, and that he genuinely didn’t know any of that. And yes, Yang endangering the patrons should have been a point that should have been brought up in Volume 3. Does anyone have a count for how many posts I’ve made about how that should have been a thing?- I genuinely want to know.

So really, treating me as if I’m blindly defending Yang is honestly flawed at best. And deliberately blind at worst. If Yang, or any of these characters are supposed to be “perfect” as Soku seems to imply that they should be, then the characters would be boring. There would be no flaws. Now admittedly, they really should be treated as flaws that they should overcome. But people aren’t just going to solve all of their problems. Show me a man who has made no wrong, and I’ll show you a man who has accomplished nothing. These characters are always going to have flaws to them, and while it would be nice to have the show actually acknowledge them as flaws, one has to accept that.

This is all on bad writing, and really… I think those anons that I had to deal with from before burned me out on resenting the show. This show is improving in a sense, but it ignores past transgressions that made it hard to watch back then. It’s only in the recent episode (8:4), that any past transgression was called out on… And it was Miles’ pet.

So excuse me for having opinions conflicting with yours because I focus on other details that you don’t! There are details that you focus on that I don’t. I’m not here to blindly hate the show. I’m here to try to provide an introspection on the show, what mistakes were made, how it can improve, and to provide a source of something that other people can come to for gripes, questions, or opinions.

And really… You’re a coward for vaguing about me in the first place Sokumotanaka. You could have called me out or contacted me directly, and we could have had a calm discussion about this. But instead, you comment in such a way that makes it hard to actually reply to you, and then you go on and vague about me doing things like… Having a take about Salem that you disagree with. Or defending Yang’s choices. I’m not saying that these are good choices, but if you want a perfect character that does no wrong… Then we’d be talking about the show for far different reasons. Pyrrha was the perfect character who did no wrong. And outside of her brash decisions to follow through on Oz’s ultimatum and her not turning Jaune in for forging his way in, what character flaws can you really name about her?

Pyrrha was boring. The most notable thing about her was that she was a good fighter (which didn’t matter since that applied to all the characters except Jaune at the time), and that she was attracted to Jaune of all people. And she was an attractive young woman, but outside of that, there was nothing to Pyrrha. She was a boring character. If Yang was as perfect as you seem to want her to be (I assume, considering your weird resentment of her for daring to have flaws), then we wouldn’t be talking about her being “Bad.” We’d be talking about her being boring. Same with Blake. If Blake was a flawless character who spouted everything right about how to combat oppression, then we wouldn’t be talking about her. If Weiss was actually genuine about wanting to end her company’s racism from the very start, and never had to learn a lesson on not being racist (that for some stupid as fuck reason happened OFF-SCREEN), then we wouldn’t be talking about her. Same with… all the characters.

We don’t talk about perfect characters because they’re boring. And I can’t believe I have to actually defend the writing choices here.

I’m trying to see this from an introspective point of view. Not one where the characters should make all the right decisions. Mistakes are how people and characters grow.

Now if the characters grow, is another question altogether. But given that the show is improving (even if only marginally), then there is some level of hope.

People can link this to Sokumotanaka or @ him. I don’t care. I’m tired, and I wrote this at like… 3 in the morning. This was all just to vent about some stuff that I’m tired of seeing.

So, maybe it’s because HBomb’s video raised my hopes and made me actively start looking for the good in this volume, or maybe it’s because I’ve burned out my resentment, or maybe it’s because I’m taking the table scraps of improvement that this show is giving me, but I’m finding myself liking this volume. It still has its flaws, even when it’s so early into the volume, but it’s actually looking good.

Now if only they could have improved earlier… Maybe then, this blog wouldn’t be as active as it is right now…

But anyways, vent over. I’m tired. And I want to sleep. Fucking hell… It’s 3:40 am…

[zephyrthejester]

Three Years Blog Anniversary!

Well, would you look at that. In the blink of an eye, an entire year has gone by! It has now been a grand total of three years since I started up this liveblog, and ever since, it's been a whirlwind of an adventure that has introduced me to amazing shows, amazing games, and above all, amazing people! As has become tradition, it's time for us to gather 'round by the fire, bundle up in blankets, sip some hot cocoa, and reminisce about the shenanigans we got up to in the year 2019.

You know the drill! Click "Keep Reading" to see the rest! Let's go!

January kicked off with the closing episodes to Steven Universe's fifth season, and what a finale it was! In true SU nature, it managed to be wholesome, funny, terrifying, and sad all at once! Not to mention the finale episode specifically, which was rife with both fan service and a breath-taking final confrontation. It even prompted me to type up three whole Addendum posts just so I could get all my thoughts out there. Intermingling with these episodes were some rather poignant and touching episodes of RWBY's 6th Volume, which saw some great plot advancements for some of my favorite characters. And of course, there was one liveblog session early on dedicated to Fate/Stay Night, a series I began back in 2018. And that would end up being the last I'd liveblog about it. Following the technical difficulties of the Visual Novel crashing at an important moment, I lost much of my motivation to keep going at it, putting Fate/Stay Night on the bench... For now. But more on Fate/Stay Night later.

Then came February! Where I proceeded to do absolutely nothing at all. For 42 days, I fell into a pretty bad funk that I called depression, at the time. Well! I must be in a better mental space right now, because until it came time to make this post, I forgot all about it! Moving past the shame I felt for wordlessly abandoning my blog and discord community for over a month, come March I pressed right into a brand new liveblog: Kill la Kill! A frenetic, frantic, freaky series that serves as the spiritual sequel to what was, once upon a time, my favorite anime ever: Gurren Lagann. I was immediately charmed by it's absurdist humor and over-the-top everything. However, it wasn't long before I succumbed to my greatest flaw. I'm exceptionally picky about what I liveblog, and sadly, Kill la Kill didn't tick the boxes that needed to be ticked for me to stick with it. I eventually dropped the series after only three episodes.

Needless to say, I was getting desperate to reinvigorate my lost momentum. It was then and there, at the tail end of March, that I introduced the most significant change to my brand ever: Liveblogging itself was being benched in favor of a fanciful second attempt at running my video game focused Youtube Channel! While I would certainly continue to liveblog new episodes of shows I had previously caught up with, my efforts would be redoubled and focused upon something I hoped would shake things up for me. I put in the effort of buying a new, fancy, high-tech microphone, and set about to new projects!

First up was a tense and troublesome self-imposed-challenge: A playthrough of Resident Evil 2 Remake on its hardest difficulty, with the added stipulation that I can never access the item storage box! My knowledge and skills of that game were put to the test as I skirted by the dangerous zombies and mutants while carrying only the bare essentials on my person. That series lasted 7 videos, plus a Highlight Reel, over about a week. My new microphone really brought out my screams of terror. Yes.

Immediately following the conclusion of the REmake 2 challenge run in early April, a new series debuted: A blind let's play of Subnautica! A simply incredible sci-fi survival game set on a planet that's nearly entirely an ocean... But much to my surprise, it was secretly a horror game all along. Spanning 18 episodes + a highlight reel between April 5th and May 23rd, we descended ever deeper into the abyss, deciphered alien riddles, fled from toothy leviathan-class predators, established a lovely home base, and had a great ol' time overall. A truly remarkable game with a surprisingly good story, for its genre, and it left me eagerly looking forward to making a Let's Play of its sequel: Below Zero.

Simultaneously, beginning on April 10th, I embarked upon yet another adventure that was of such a large scope, I made my channel's primary time slot dedicated to it. The Phoenix Wright Trilogy! A collection of the first three Visual Novels in a wonderful, wonderful series about the titular attorney at law. It wasn't long before I fell in love with this series, big time. It had everything! Immensely satisfying mysteries for me to solve, memorable and lovable characters, great pacing, and it knew how to keep things fresh and interesting. Although I started out the Let's Play by saying I wouldn't read everything aloud, that proved to be a lie. As of now, the series is a whopping 78 videos long (I do expect it to reach 100 before all is said and done), and I have given voice to roughly 50 unique characters so far. The series really helped awaken my Let's Play chops by improving my speech, vocal clarity, and focus. Swapping between my first video ever (for Legend of Grimrock II) and the most recent Phoenix Wright video is a real night-and-day difference! Overall, it's very safe to say that the series has stolen my heart. Unmatched hype, dizzying plot twists, and delightful shenanigans burst from the seams, truly. The Let's Play is currently ongoing, though the end is within sight...

As the Let's Plays of Subnautica and Phoenix Wright Trilogy progressed, so too did the production quality of my videos. I got a better grip on editing, improving the design of my video thumbnails and taking more care to edit out needless and dull moments of gameplay. I even introduced a brief and stylish video intro, which was my avatar appearing over a dark background before it faded off into gameplay. That would be the image up above! However, as we move into 2020, I’ve begun to feel that it could do with a slight improvement... Wink wink!

Following the end of Subnautica came a new Let's Play involving yet another sci-fi horror game: Prey! Spanning 25 videos + a highlight reel between June 3rd and November 19th, it immediately gripped me with its stunning attention to detail, marvelously crafted environments, and boundlessly creative gameplay. It was a pleasure to explore the varied regions of the Talos One space station, blasting aliens, uncovering secrets, untangling the connections between the employees there, and making some seriously difficult moral choices. A truly impressive video game that's just begging for a second playthrough on my own time at some point.

July 20th saw the beginning of new activity on my blog. In a spur-of-the-moment decision that I didn't think out too well, I brazenly announced out of nowhere that I would be doing a re-watch of Steven Universe! I proceeded to liveblog the first 11 episodes of Steven Universe over a week, lovingly looking back at the series' origins, calling out moments of foreshadowing, and analyzing everything with the lens of all my knowledge about the show. And then... Nothing! Just as soon as it began, the project was dropped. I had hoped it would rekindle my interest in Liveblogging (outside of new episodes of SU and RWBY), but I had no such luck. You know I'm burnt out when even Steven Universe, my favorite thing ever, can't help...

By September 3rd, the Steven Universe Movie had finally released! Over a hype-as-hell two days, I liveblogged the entire film. It truly was Steven Universe at its absolute best! Touching, sincere, unexpected, and rife with some stellar songs that are STILL stuck in my head. It proved that the Crewniverse hadn't lost its spark since the conclusion of the original series.

November 5th was my 25th birthday! My family celebrated by all going out for an amazing sushi dinner. Good times! Sometimes, it's really hard for me to grasp that I'm actually 25... I'm a kid at heart, really! Or maybe it's that I'm a social recluse who enjoys watching anime a little too much. Regardless, I feel no shame!

November 10th saw the debut of RWBY Volume 7, and so far it has been an exceptionally strong season. I've long maintained the opinion that the show gets better and better every season, and Volume 7 has given me no reason to doubt that. One episode in particular became my second favorite in the series, right behind a certain one from Volume 6! I'm really enjoying how the characters, new and old, are playing off each other this go around, and the fights and art direction have been no slouch either. This season's a looker! I'm really looking forward to seeing how it ends.

Hot on the heels of the ending Let's Play of Prey, I immediately started up a new series on November 20th... Chrono Trigger! A legendary and widely loved JRPG from the SNES era of gaming that I had somehow gone all my life without playing. Better late than never to fix a mistake like that! I eagerly dived in and nearly immediately understood why it's heralded as an all-time great. The series is currently 13 episodes long, and each one is an endless stream of me being hyped and giddy. I’m already excited to record more!

December 8th saw the debut of Steven Universe Future, a very special epilogue series that's sure to tie a nice bow on the franchise as a whole. As of this post, I have liveblogged the first 8 episodes, and it's fair to say that while it's not holding back in giving the audience exactly what it wants, it's also doing something very unexpected and very, very interesting with Steven himself. Only time will tell how it all ends and whether every remaining mystery will be answered, but so far I have been more than satisfied with it.

And that brings us to the present! Wow, it felt like a lot less happened this year than you would think, huh? No, it's been jam packed with new adventures! I think I am very content with how the year has gone, and I hope you are as well. We'll be striding into the year 2020 with more Steven Universe, more RWBY, more Phoenix Wright, and more Chrono Trigger! Plus, it may very well be that we'll see the return of Made in Abyss and Madoka Magica, both of which (I believe) are getting continuation movies in 2020. I may or may not be entirely wrong about this. Forgive me if I am...

In the near future, the Phoenix Wright Trilogy will be followed up by a Let's Play of Fate/Stay Night! Indeed, the canceled Liveblog will be reborn in youtube video form! And following Chrono Trigger, well... It's mostly up in the air, though I do have a few good ideas. In particular, I recently got a Virtual Reality system set up... Wink wink!

So that's really all there is to it! Cheers, lads! Cheers to a good year, and cheers to the next year being even better! To our good health, our unbreakable friendships, and all the stupid bullshit we’ll get into together! 2020 has arrived!

[sevenessence]

Back Again!

Hey everybody!

I hope you guys have been enjoying the recent renewal of activity on this account, it’s been good getting back into things a little bit.  I’m hoping to have some actual new content up before too much longer too - new moodboards and that sort of thing.  

In the past, this little community we have here has always been vocal and enthusiastic about our love for FFVII.  I’ve made a lot of great friends in this fandom, I started an FFVII TTRPG with some you, and even when things are slow here I’ve always been incredibly impressed with and grateful for the level of involvement and support I’ve gotten from all of you.  

For that reason, I’m hoping I can rally you all to something I’m cooking up - a Final Fantaysy VII Remake stream!  Those of you who’ve been with me for the long haul know that OG marathon streams have been a pretty-much yearly event for me and for those of you who’ve turned up to watch.  It’s always been a lot of fun having you guys join in to chat and fan about the OG with me - this will be our first opportunity to scream and theorize and about the Remake together!  

In my periods of inactivity from this blog, I’ve really missed you guys, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been looking forward to playing the Remake with all of you along for the ride since basically the first trailer dropped.  If there’s enough interest - old and new - this event could be a springboard into a revival of this blog and our quiet little corner of the fandom.  And... if any of you want to support and see more of me going forward... I’ve put new links on my page to my twitter and my ko-fi.  

My twitter is not especially FFVII focused at the moment, but if you want to hang out on a platform I use a bit more regularly - since this one still mostly runs off of a queue - it’s a good place to go.  My ko-fi is... brand new.  And I’m still getting used to the idea of asking for money for the various bits of writing, photoediting, and other random things that I do... but if I’m being honest, I’m in a real tight spot right now and every little bit counts.  

To avoid ending this post on a downer note, I’ll leave you with this!   I’ll be posting an official announcement tomorrow about the stream and plastering it with a bunch of tags to try to pull in some of the awesome newcomers to our fandom.  I just wanted to put something here for my much appreciated base of long-term followers first, just as a little heads-up!  So keep your eyes peeled, and please share the announcement post when you see it, if it’s not too much trouble!

[novantinuum]

Tag Game

Thank you @crossroadsdimension​ for the tag!!

Rules: Answer seventeen questions and tag some blogs

_

Nickname: Jen is technically a nickname, uh... People still refer to me as “Chromatic,” ala my last tumblr screenname + my name elsewhere. I have a friend who lovingly calls me Jenny. Don’t have much else, really.

Starsign: Aquarius

Height: 5′ 5′’

Last film I watched: Hmmm, last movie. Um... The Emperor’s New Groove with friends.

Favourite musician: I really dig Marina and the Diamonds, La Roux, Big Big Train, and Coldplay.

Song stuck in my head: It’s either gonna be “OUR HOUSE... IN THE MIDDLE OF- OUR HOUSE” or some variety of songs from Steven Universe. Half the time when it’s a SU song it’s one of my original fan songs I’ve written.

Other blogs: Oh, way too many. I’ll give the rundown of my currently active ones.

@crack-the-paragon is my fic sideblog where I ramble about stuff pertaining to that SU AU I have. (This time I’m actually writing it, too lmao, not just fantasizing about it.)

I mod @magic-luz, a URL I bagged the very day The Owl House was announced. It’s gonna be more active once the show actually comes out, ahahah. For whatever reason it already has like, 1K followers, so I think I’ll be using it to boost people’s art and gifs when the show airs.

@gem-rewatch is on hiatus rn because I have so much else going on, but whenever other things calm down I’m sure I’ll come back to it- it’s just me yelling about SU meta on an episode-by-episode basis. Currently up to Steven’s Lion, so not too far in.

@chromatic-art is my art-only sideblog. I just reblog stuff here, that’s it.

@jen-liveblogs is my brand spankin’ new liveblog place, where I’m currently liveblogging Transformers Prime. I’ll prob use it for other things later too. 

I have six other blogs besides these. I need to be stopped.

Do I get ask? Sometimes. Not as often now that I’m mostly yelling about Steven Universe, though. To be fair, most of y’all followed me for Gravity Falls, though, so... XD

Blogs following: 280.

What am I wearing: Cuffed light-wash jeans and an old cozy Greek life t-shirt.

Dream job: Forensic science. Specifically, I wanna work with DNA analysis.

Dream trip: Friendship road trip! I wanna hug all my egg friends. All the way across country, and then I’d book a flight to the UK, and I’d book a flight to Australia. 

Play any instruments? I can figure out piano by ear pretty quickly given some time, but I’m not classically trained in any instrument, no. I’m ehhh at reading sheet music. But I sing, so. My vocal cords are my instrument, really.

Languages: English and some smattering of Japanese. I’m super rusty, though. It’s been three years.

Favorite food: I dig chicken, and pickles, and olives. Also rice. Rice is rad.

Favorite song: Oh heck-! Uh... I can’t pick a CONCLUSIVE favorite, but I can give a list of ones that are favorites! At this current moment in time, songs that are really speaking to me are:

Drops of Jupiter by Train,

My Silver Lining, by First Aid Kit

Are You Satisfied? by Marina and the Diamonds

Victorious, by Panic! At the Disco

Reflections Are Protection, by La Roux

Shiver, by Coldplay

Atlas, by Coldplay

It’s Over, Isn’t It? by Deedee Magno Hall

Ode to My Next Life, by Kishi Bashi

Random facts: I was actually originally supposed to be a twin, but kinda... absorbed them in the womb? ALPHA TWIN! ALPHA TWIN! I did it- I won. XD

Tagging: @inktheblot, @the-ill-doctor, @fexiled, @endae, @nour386, @picnokinesis if y’all wanna

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[rpbetter]

Hi, my knowledge is mainly from the blog. You're right, I think Rolescape can benefit from more varied takes. I want to add my two cents. I just wish there was another way to do it. I don't know if I can stay on the server that long because I get bad stage fright. I joined briefly, but I felt like I was walking into a clique that already formed. I just don't like servers. That's another problem I have with this I guess. It feels unfair, exclusionary to people like me. Can you share any tips?

Thank you for replying back! I didn't want to just imply what your experience was, especially as that easily comes off as a snooty, "well, if you were in The Server you'd know!" kind of thing that I am not cool with.

I absolutely understand! Despite running this blog, my RP blogs, and trying to be a reasonably social presence, I'm really not very socially inclined. I actually held out on joining the RS server for months, had to have a friend vet that it was relatively chill, not an incredibly busy atmosphere. Honestly, and y'all can despise me for this, free pass, I don't like discord in general, it's just become the only option for messaging off of tumblr, and that's what I keep it to - messaging friends and trustworthy, not hyper-social, mutuals. Servers and other group chat situations give me hives lol I'm only somewhat joking! I hate it. It overwhelms and exhausts me.

So, notably, RS's server is not like that. There are some busy moments when several people are joining at once, there's a conversation going in a channel, or the developer drops something new/asks for feedback. That's really it, though, and even then, I've yet to see anyone having to like, rapid-fire answer to get a word in edgewise. I've not been stressed out enough to (and I do mean this absolutely literally, I have a trichotillomania issue, hats are my besties, shhh y'all don't tell anyone my Secret) pull my hair out or anything. The opinions expressed are incredibly civil, everyone is very respectful. Even when you can tell that things are getting a bit intense between differing opinions!

It really helped my anxiety over it to have someone already there, someone who also has some anxiety issues and gets socially overwhelmed, no less, who could tell me that it was a chill place. Maybe knowing that will help you as well! I would totally, and too bluntly, tell you if I felt like it sucked there.

On that same note, if it would make you comfortable enough to join and eventually be able to speak up there, I'd be happy to PM you my discord so you'd know of one person there. Again, as a rather private and less social person, I totally understand if that wouldn't help you, and you can just know that I am, in fact, there.

Because you're right...when you enter any established space, even if people don't treat you that way, you feel like an outsider. They've established roles in the server and friendships with each other, you haven't. It's totally natural to get a clique vibe and be uncomfortable! Making the only way you can get over that really difficult, as that way is to dive in.

Now, again, full honesty, cheery people kind of freak me out lol but the folks in the general chat are pretty welcoming! If you could always respond to them and get some comfort level established by jumping into a recent conversation then, or asking a question that might start a short conversation with them. Like, asking how everyone's day/night has been, or how they're liking the server. Just little, casual questions like that to get someone talking. If you are there when I usually am (overnight, America, CST), it's very slow and quiet, only one to four people are very active then, so it's a great time to interact with fewer people.

Do you enjoy pets? They have a pet channel if so! That's always a great sort of place to make yourself comfortable and meet people in a purely friendly atmosphere. Pet people want to share and talk about their pets, they also want you to share yours. These are positive conversations waiting to happen! If it's your deal, check out this channel, you'll see recent pictures and discussions surrounding the pet(s) in them that you can then add to the conversation on. "Adorable cat! This has to be a cat thing, mine does it too, see -picture of your cat on clean laundry-" If there has been nothing new recently, add a funny or cute picture of your pet or a pet you know that you enjoy.

There are also the "fun stuff" and "self-promo" channels. With the former, you might find a way to join a conversation about something shared or, again, share something in the same vein of humor you see present. The latter, you might end up finding someone sharing their RP blog(s) who you know and didn't realize was in the server as well.

Then, there is the "feedback and questions" channel. I found it easier to just jump in there on a topic that I felt compelled to join in on. The same might happen with you! It's easier for me to speak about something I care about than it is to engage in casual conversation, especially with people I don't know. If you feel the same way, this might be your answer in getting a push to feel comfortable enough to say something.

Again, I very much understand where you're coming from, Anon! Servers in general are not meant for people like me either. They're inherently exclusionary when you have problems functioning and feeling comfortable in those environments...I can't even properly enjoy servers set up by friends when either more than two of them are actively speaking or even a single person is especially "busy" (effusive about something, excited/excitable, etc. none of which are bad things, friends who see this lol y'all know how I am and I appreciate that you love me regardless). I 100% feel you, no judgment here!

If it isn't something you can do, at least you tried, right? You should still feel proud of trying, of caring enough to try. If you try again, it's okay to just lurk quietly and be aware of what is going on, too. For however long you need to. Maybe a topic will spur you into commenting like it did me! If you see something you like, say it. I don't think there is ever enough detailed positive commentary either. Most people just say that they like something, pop up a sticker, etc. and it's good. Having run businesses, sites, forums, blogs, and yeah, discord servers, I know how unhelpful non-detailed positive feedback can be. It's great you like this, but what do you like about it? That is useful application in other things, as well as being something I know I should try not to change in the future flippantly. So, if it's easier for you to establish yourself as existing there by saying something positive, by all means, do that first!

Otherwise, like the concern over leaning too much in the purity direction, no one was nasty to me for giving a different opinion than the more vocal people. It wasn't brushed aside or treated with hostility. No rushed to talk over me or refute anything I said, either. Definitely a less awful environment than tumblr has trained us all to expect!

It is additionally worth noting that I was not the only person in there with a different take. There are people who will politely and respectfully counter issues like "but survivors" and they are engaged with by the developer with just as much interest as the other side. Chances are, you're not the only one who feels the way you do, so long as you're expressing yourself politely, your feedback is welcome and going to be treated as such. It just seems to me that, as on tumblr and twitter, the most vocal and capable of public opining group happens to the purity police.

Probably because the rest of us have had our already present social anxieties and difficulties exacerbated by the purity police at some point or another, making it more difficult for us to speak up. Whereas their experience is being able to run on mob mentality, having their experiences forcing themselves to socialize rewarded. So...maybe not letting the entire phenomenon win is helpful, too?

Whatever you decide to do, whenever you decide to do it, I appreciate that you care enough about your concerns to have tried and even asked for tips on how to try again. That's awesome of you!

[covered-in-ash-archive]

eddie is horribly abusive and y’all need to be aware of him

i really did not want to have to resort to this. i fully intended to not call eddie out and just let this die off. since it hasn’t, multiple friends have convinced me to come forward with the abuse, stalking, harassment, manipulation, gaslighting, misgendering, etc i have been subjected to at the hands of eddie over the past week+. i haven’t used tumblr in... ages, so i’ve completely forgotten how to use coding in tumblr posts. sorry in advance for that. this is going to be both a call out and a “hey, this is what really went down” type of thing.

before i hop into covering the hot garbage that has been happening, here’s is where to find eddie. i fully encourage everyone to block him and warn others. he has been getting away with abusing people for years.

his twitter: https://twitter.com/mrgluskin

his horror blog: https://outlastwikia.tumblr.com/

if anyone knows the url for his main blog, please let me know.

update: been told his main blog is gluskin. i have not confirmed it for myself because i simply want nothing to do with eddie.

this is going to be long, sorry. tw for... pretty much everything. reblogs are encouraged and appreciated. let’s expose this abuser before he can abuse anyone else.

alright. for background’s sake, eddie followed me on twitter because we had a mutual friend, catherine. right off the bat, he bombed me with positive attention, liking all of my tweets, complimenting me, etc. a friend has since pointed out that abusers often do this before abusing their victims. i just figured he was a friendly guy and didn’t think anything of it. catherine and i had a falling out because she kept frequently using the r slur, despite not being autistic, and it was really making me, an autistic person, feel extremely uncomfortable (this is a whole different can of worms, though. catherine has also been outed as an abuser and a suicide baiter). disgruntled by the situation, i posted this to vent my frustration.

this is my personal opinion on the issue, as an autistic person with autistic friends and family, all who agree with my stance. i’m not here to debate this. i want this to focus on eddie and not get derailed.

eddie absolutely flipped his shit at me. he claimed that since he has adhd (which he went on to say is EXACTLY LIKE AUTISM... not even gonna bother to explain how wrong that is. i have both. i should know) he is entitled to use that slur, my feelings be damned. he said that me saying he should not use the r slur erases the ableism people with adhd face. again, this is... not how it works. i wish i had grabbed screencaps because it seems that his tweets have been deleted. all i have is my side of the conversation, where you can see that i was perfectly calm and polite.

i ended things by explaining that i could agree to disagree for the sake of our friendship & that as long as he didn’t use the slur around me i would be fine. he stopped replying to the thread after that.

a while later, i received this message from eddie.

i’m going to point out real quick that the last time i posted to twitter about my makeup was months ago. eddie could only know this if he dug through MONTHS worth of tweets. this was where his stalking began. he went through hundreds upon hundreds of tweets looking for any tiny thing he could use to attack me over. he was actively looking for conflict & things to be mad about. he needed something to demonize me over, because “they asked me to not say r*tard” is obviously going to make him look bad if he cites that as his reason why he has beef with me. we discussed jeffree star briefly & then he blocked me. i wrongly assumed that was going to be the end of it.

i noticed that, during all of this eddie/catherine drama, someone had stolen my url. i thought it was petty/funny, and posted this to twitter. this is the only thing i said about the url. this is literally it. i did not and have not accused anyone of stealing it. i honestly don’t care because i very rarely am on tumblr nowadays.

i’m not sure of exactly what happened, but i’m assuming either catherine told eddie i had said it was him, or eddie somehow convinced himself of it. eddie unblocked me instantly and sent this.

he reblocked me after this. at that point, i consider it harassment.

as i’m combing through his twitter for all of this shit he did to me, i just now saw that he posted screenshots of our conversations in an attempt to turn people against me, while omitting that this whole thing began because he wanted to use SLURS. he posted a handful of tweets gossiping about me.. he has been attempting to paint me as a racist transphobe and he has been telling everyone i accused him of stealing my url, even though i told him i hadn’t accused anyone.

a mutual friend of ours (who has since ditched him) then contacted me saying eddie was posting screenshots of my social media while shit talking me.

the green thing is a screenshot of my listography. i don’t like or associate with q*eer because it’s a slur. i’ve been distancing myself from the lgbt community as of late due to the influx of rape threats, misgendering, harassment, racism, and overall nastiness i’ve been dealing with from lgbt people. i shouldn’t have to justify this. i have my reasons. this is, again, eddie grasping for anything he can use against me.

because liking problematic things makes someone a bad person, amiright? it’s not like i’m an adult who can recognize when something is problematic & still have the capacity to enjoy aspects of it. to put into perspective... eddie is vocally kin with a serial killer from a game that demonizes mentally ill people. he has no room to talk.

this whole time, eddie has been telling people that he cut me off as a friend over me owning jeffree star makeup and was incessantly trashing my name publicly while spreading lies about me. we have mutual followers, so i posted this, trying to keep his name out of things in an attempt to not escalate the drama.

eddie continues to vague and obsess. meanwhile, i’m trying to move on with my life.

not wanting to be associated with a community that treats me poorly doesn’t mean i suddenly don’t face the same struggles as them or can’t have an opinion on the issues i face, just so you know.

at this point, i sent him a message politely asking him to stop talking about me all over his twitter and to move on with his life. he deleted the response but the preview is still on his twitter.

here he is, again, lying about me. i have not contacted a single one of his friends once. i have harassed no one. i haven’t even spoken with catherine since this all began.

anyway.

1) i’m 22 but that’s irrelevant

2) anyone else think him calling my friend ‘babe’ is kind of creepy? just saying

eddie began implying if not outright saying that i’m abusive. he posted this while talking about me. he was “confronting” me at the time so... who else could it possibly be about?

i tweeted these in response, because i take abuse allegations extremely seriously. as an abuse survivor, i do not appreciate even having it be IMPLIED that i am abusive.

after posting these, i hopped in the shower. eddie proceeds to have a meltdown. he had me blocked but i had not blocked him. at this point, i had blocked our mutuals. the only way he could have seen these tweets was by refreshing my twitter over and over again, waiting for me to say something about him/the situation. eddie unblocked me & quoted my tweets with this.

i haven’t lied about anything, as my screencaps illustrate. he just wants to be absolved of any responsibility. i also did not “throw a fit” - i very politely requested that he stop gossiping about me publicly. he also messaged me around the time he quoted my tweets.

again, have not lied about anything. he attempted to gaslight me by saying he was actually calling jeffree star abusive, which is absolutely not what he did. check the screencaps.

i was tired of being nice to the person who had so far harassed and stalked me, lied about me, and attempted to gaslight me.

*drops this here*

well i mean, at least he admits he’s been harassing me?

this tweet below was confirmed about me. in it, he calls me a trans man. i have explicitly stated many times that i am not a trans man. i am nonbinary. i have told my twitter following countless times that calling me a man is misgendering. it is in my bio.

@ranunculae aka fawn reached out to me late at night on the 21st. we had a 5+ hour long conversation in which they explained to me that eddie had abused them and has spent the past 2 years harassing and stalking them like he was doing to me. eddie and catherine had teamed up and suicide baited fawn until fawn had to go inpatient. eddie and catherine have been attempting to socially isolate fawn for 2 years now by spreading lies and doctored screencaps in a sketchy “call out”. you can read fawn’s statements here.

https://ranunculae.tumblr.com/post/166659734265/i-never-abused-eddie/amp

https://ranunculae.tumblr.com/post/166779554950/ranunculae-ranunculae-keythecoward

the 2nd link includes a conversation in which a minor talks about eddie grooming him and attempting to be sexual with him.

i’m going to post some things that fawn sent to me over chat just because they’re semi-relevant.

my irl best friend, cat, was close friends with catherine. fawn and i felt that cat needed to know that catherine was involved in suicide baiting and abusing fawn with eddie. so, we approached cat about it and fawn explained their entire side of things to cat.

eddie, through his relentless stalking of me, noticed we were all in contact.

i want to clarify that fawn/katie has not been on his twitter once throughout all of this. fawn’s boyfriend periodically checks eddie’s twitter to see if he’s still stalking and obsessing over fawn. fawn’s boyfriend saw eddie harassing me, and he let fawn know that eddie had picked a new target to abuse. then fawn contacted me. it literally is a smear campaign. and fawn said the smear campaign was against ME, not them, even though eddie has been posting libel about fawn for years. 

1) actual minors have come to me and fawn to tell us about eddie preying on them and grooming them

2) this was a response to cat taking mine and fawn’s sides

3) eddie called cat a ‘cuntbag’, which is misogynistic 

4) these ‘victims’ have not come forward because they don’t EXIST. meanwhile, i am nearly the 30th victim of eddie’s that has ACTUALLY COME FORWARD.

eddie attempting to guilt trip and manipulate cat, a csa/incest survivor, for siding with fawn.

again, more lying about me. as you can clearly see, i never threw a fit. i have been calm during this entire ordeal. also... this is, once again, him trying to divert attention away from what really started this; his NEED to use the r slur around someone who is uncomfortable with it.

cyberfuneral = cat’s twitter handle

cat sent me screenshots. eddie does not have her blocked. this is, again, lies and manipulation. if it looks like we’re sneaking around a block, then we’re obviously the bad guys, right? 

when cat confronted catherine about eddie calling her misogynistic insults, eddie lied to catherine and claimed he never called cat a cunt. he didn’t even bother to delete the tweets to hide his lies. 

scroll up to see him calling me a man, which i am not, thus it was misgendering. also, childish insults.

this is referring to something i added at the bottom of my listography. i’d like to point out that he posted this within minutes of me updating my listography. further stalking right there.

this is what my listography currently says. it is a temporary placeholder in lieu of an actual call out. it will be replaced or updated with the link to this post after it is published. you wanted the screencaps posted, eddie, so you’re getting your wish.

i can only imagine what filth eddie is saying on his locked personal twitter. i think i’d rather not know, though.

it has been more than an entire week of stalking, harassment, gaslighting, manipulation, lying, smear campaigns, misgendering, misogyny, etc etc from eddie. he is awful. he is abusive and a manipulator. do not befriend him. the second you upset him, he will turn on you and treat you like he has countless others. i am just one victim out of many. stay away. block him. spread this to warn people.

@eddieabuser2

[jewel-s-blog]

about me + bias list

 hi there, I’m jewel :)

she/her/hers ・ 20 ・ kpop (writing) blog

Yes, Jewel is my real name although my parents admit I was supposed to be named elizabeth but changed their minds last minute after I was born how cute and I’m currently in university. I study political science and japanese for those wondering (because yes, I am japanese and it’s helpful when you live in hawaii to have that degree yk?). If any of this stuff is even mildly interesting and you have any curiosities, pls feel free to ask me!

I try to write some things when I can, so feel free to take a look at my masterlist. I also read A LOT of fics on this site, so also peep my recs if you feel like it. Warning: its mostly fluff and angst and almost always includes smut but there’s some really good stuff worth reading still! 

Feel free to talk to me :) i don’t have any kpop friends irl :( all my friends are locals smh 

I try my hardest to be active as much as possible but it’s taken me over a year to finally get used to tumblr lol marklee and i both struggle with complex technology i guess Of course, there are times when I get busy with college and will probably seem to drop off the face of the planet exam season kills but now that I’ve been in quarantine for a month, I figured now is the best time to start building an active tumblr routine. 

That’s all for now! Keep reading below for my bias list :)

xoxo, jewel <3

Bias List 

Before I begin, I will warn that this is basically a giant NCT shxtpost. With LOTS of hyperlinks for educational purposes and absolute crackhead-ery. I’ll eventually make a separate list for other groups I stan, but this blog is mainly NCT and this is already so long so I’ll leave it as this. Enjoy!

Biases are bolded in the beginning of each unit, so you can skip everything after if you don’t wanna see my ramblings following it.

A/N: After biasing nearly every member in NCT/WayV I’ve settled for now on my biases for each unit. This will most likely rotate fairly regularly as I literally fall in love with a different member every day cited here. solo stan? I don’t know her.

ULT

Jaehyun  *ahem excuse me i mean* 

Johnny Suh, it’s official. Don’t know how to explain, but I love everything about him. In the end, it’s always him. damn i sound like y/n thoughts but istg it’s true From SM Rookies to NCT Life to MV behinds, he’s the one. But I’ve also come to realize that I find myself most relatable to him as a person and I think that’s why no one else can trump him wow narcissist much jewel It’s kind of just my gut feeling. It also helps that hes the fluffiest tall, muscular tight booty hottie on the planet. See this black on black dance practice for further scientific explanation even in this jaehyun trying to wreck me so badddddd

Not gonna lie, I HAD IT BAD FOR MARK LEE still do and yet Johnny overcame that. If mark lee were my first love, johnny is my soulmate.

UPDATE! 

Lee Jeno has officially been added to the ult list. *See the entirety of my april activity on my sns accounts if you would like to see how this happened haha :)

NCT U  

im in love with him bc he literally reminds me of my boyfriend -- i like chill guys ok

Taeil is my little teddy bear who looks great in red hair and has a voice form heaven. Evidence? Here you go. He didn’t stand out to me much in the beginning because I was either deaf or blind but after Chain, the game was OVER. +moon taeil in shorts?? serve them thighs honey. Love you bebe tomato <3

BUT Doyoung is the #1 bias wrecker here because have you seen his cover of beautiful on masked singer?? have you?? if not, let me educate you. Also his collab with Sejeong?? Literally the cutest MV ever, perfect for Christmas, listened to it every year since it’s release.

Listen to Coming Home - NCT U for further scientific evidence that NCT has top vocals in the kpop industry.

NCT 127

THE Jung Jaehyun. For reasons that need no explanation. but ill give it anyway smh

After watching the performance of herin and jaehyun singing a whole new world I knew that was it for me. (I still watch it once a month for my jaehyun-related health and to honor SM’s biggest loss, seo herin and ji hansol but thats for another conversation) back to jaehyun His vocals are unique in NCT and bring a nice color to their songs, the man looks good in literally anything, and I’ll probably say this about every member, but I love his dance style--body rolls for days sis. Definitely my ideal type, which my boyfriend is 100% aware of; no secrets in my relationship ofc which explains the wreckage. Pretty sure 81% of the fandom gets wrecked by him daily, so I think I’ll stop here. 

NCT Dream 

Renjun.  why? i just think he’s neat but no really, it was this performance (ok actually this got me ALL SORTS OF WRECKED) and this fancam that had me falling in love with him but were gonna ignore the fact that I get bias wrecked DAILY by all the other members  GOd-tier vocals, personality for daysssssss, variety KING HUANG RENJUN. Safe to claim that I go into renjun feels about 3x a week. Check my twitter for proof. +dnyl renjun was a blessing and I sometimes cant believe that it actually happened. How do I explain?? He’s literally the best boy, but when he gets all worked up....let’s stop there before I have to go to confession again.

But for fun, lets list why I have biased every dream member at some point shall we? (in no particular order) Dream might just be my ult group, songs always bop, members at star quality 

mark- yes i am including mark bc he was the reason i even started stanning dream dreamies leader since mmc days, mentor, A1 rap skills, ad libs go crazy, unparalleled dancing style, hardest worker, cutest watermelon advocate ever, all around amazing person can you tell he used to be my ult? + he’s a good christian boy and my catholic *ss has to confess my sins for being a simp for him 24/7

chenle- vocal GOD, most steady live vocals in kpop, laugh to die for

jeno- i cannot resist his eye smile i wanna cuddle and onstage charisma-2:54 “let’s goooooo” and i alskfdfjlkdldkfa. 

jaemin- “other than my members, i don’t have any friends” and yet he’s literally the most caring and wonderful little puff in existence fight me pls dont im a pacifist 

heachan- idk why but donghyukie feels like he could be my best friend and also cant stop staring at him in their dance practices his body proportions are unreal and his vocal ad libs?? don’t even get me STARTED on heachans vocals

jisung- he is my son, but also my son’s vocals?? MWAH that voice got me second guessing if he’s really my son 

WayV 

Ten Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul another member where it kinda just....happened? In the end I was like “damn, when did you sneaky bugger get in my heart?” He’s got a similar vibe as Johnny AND DO NOT COME FOR MY THROAT FOR SAYING THAT THATS MY OPINION Like Johnny, I see myself in Ten. There are so many reasons why I love Ten, so I’ll make it simple and provide them to you. 

Reason 1 - Performance/dance  he just hit different, he’s THAT good. Reason 2 - vocals the amount his vocals has improved?? UNMATCHED. Reason 3 - INTELLECTUAL (still trying to find the clip of him talking about different kinds of love) Reason 4 - multi-lingual KING ok so this vid is him struggling in mandarin, but imagine, you speak thai and english and learn korean to debut and all of a sudden your agency says “ok learn chinese now.” MANDARIN IS ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGES TO LEARN. Reason 5 - bad b*tch he just radiates bad bitxh energy in everything he does, and I appreciate a bad bitxh

BUT I love wayv’s chaotic energy and chemistry so much that I literally love them all dreamies watch out 

+special shoutout to xiaojuns vocals in Love Talk

+kun being a dimpled zaddy (jaehyun&kun type CONFIRMED)

+lucas holding binoculars like THAT @ 1:10

+yangx2 doing THIS (prepare to be blown away)

+hendery being a the best teacher 

+winwin BEING WINWIN THE DANCE GOD 

+winwin AGAIN and with Ten here i don’t even think i have to say that i tweeted about this everyday for a month and im still not over it. This specific dance really allowed winwin to shine even though ten is my bias. It really allowed others to see the fruit of his classical training even in modern dance which he never trained in. Not gonna be repetitive and SCREAM  say that he’s underrated, because we all know that already. Just show winwin some love, ok? thank you.

And so finally, we’ve reached the end. Phew, this took me almost 5 hours to put together because I definitely got carried away. For those who made it all the way to the end, thank you, I love you. It’s so messy and I don’t have the mental capacity to do anymore editing but I hope you got something from this massive post <3 Feel free to let me know what you think! xoxo, jewel

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 13 - ARI - 9-2-2

Is this a trap game? I’ll admit I’m not familiar with the concept. Arizona has been on the edge of competitive since… always? Yeah they had that conference final appearance but we’re all kinda conditioned to think they’re bad. It’s the teams that you think you should beat but have a high likelihood to surprise you that constitute trap games, right? The Yotes had a rough start but have managed to off the likes of Nashville and the Rangers to arrive in Buffalo 6 and 4. Like the Buffalo Sabres everyone is still wondering if they might actually be good. Another thing these two teams have in common is a man named Phil Housley. After bouncing around a little bit following his firing from the Sabres Head Coach position in the Spring he finds himself the assistant Coach of the Arizona Coyotes. They are certainly trying to recapture his coaching talent from his time with the Nashville Predators where he benefited a lot from a stacked defense. When Lance Lysowski, the last good hockey writer at the Buffalo News, asked Housley if he would make any changes to his time as Sabres bench boss he responded: “Those are things I’ll keep to myself”. If there’s anything Phil Housley is good at its dodging the meat of a question, eh? All kidding aside that is the best possible answer to that question. What is he going to do, activate all the suburban hockey dads and roast one of the talented player’s compete level? I think it’s safe to say he’s done with Buffalo and really doesn’t want to be pressed into any talk about it. I put the feelers for what Sabres fans feel about Phil Housley on twitter. In the most unsurprising chain of events since missing the playoffs most of y’all responded with “tHe DaY hE gOt FiReD!” There were a couple interesting responses I’ll throw in at the end of this postgame. For now let’s dive into the Sabres Episode XIII: the Return of Housley!

The Sabres came out crisp as the Autumn air in the first period. They outshot and out-chanced a Yotes side that was up to the task. Arizona made the first mistake however when Lawson Crouse got called for tripping Evan Rodrigues. The powerplay has been a canary-in-the-coal-mine for the Sabres in the early going this season. If it’s firing bangers in the first period you can tell it will be a good game for us. The games the PP wasn’t exactly spinning well were the not so pretty games a la New York, LA, Detroit and Anaheim. Mind you they won half those games. I had hardly vocalized this thought when Jack Eichel gets kicked out of the faceoff circle and proceeds to score immediately thereafter with that classic slapper. It’s Eichel’s 23rd birthday and evidently he had not scored on his birthday yet in his career on this team. There it is, Happy Birthday, bud. The game evened up a bit down the gut of the period while the Sabres still got the prettier chances. It would be another pretty goal from the increasingly nice Marcus Johansson Jeff Skinner duo. They shut down some quality O-zone time for the Yotes and went off on the rush down ice. Skinner gave the puck to Johansson who didn’t skate too far before returning it to Skinner to tap it in. They did a little crisscross in the middle there and it was just so pretty. They were out to 2-0 lead, but again the Coyotes were not missing their chances either. In spite of being boxed out over and over again by Jack Eichel and Jake McCabe, old friend Phil Kessel got his looks. Victor Hinostroza seemed to be breathing down Hutton’s neck whenever he was in the zone. This Arizona side has allowed the fewest goals in the league so far, you have to be careful with them when they do get their chances. Before the first ended Carter Hutton let in a Conor Garland tight-angle shot that was less than stellar. It was hard to see how it went in from most angles but one at ice-level showed a big 3-hole. It was 2-1 through 20 minutes of play.

The home team came out hot in the second period as well. There was a push of play in the first ten minutes where the Sabres hemmed Arizona in their zone for 1:40 continuous minutes! It got uproarious cheering from the home crowd and to be frank it sent a shiver up my spine. You watch that kind of multi-minute dominance and you almost don’t recognize the squad in front of you. They were winning quick puck battles and nailing very tight passes. They looked like they were on a powerplay, but they were roasting wolf meat 5 on 5 in that stretch! Its that kind of peak “play connected” competitiveness and actualization of real skill that makes me believe this hot start is for real. In that glorious stretch I felt this squad was really and truly back from the darkness. I think they’re for real and I feel more confident than I ever have after that stretch. Unfortunately there is somehow always a reason to be a disappointed Sabres fan and we found it as Buffalo was not rewarded for the frightfully good first half of the period. Arizona pushed back, reclaimed the edge in shots and eventually got a fluke equalizer off Hutton’s ass. It was tied at 2 going into the third period and I’d like to share Rob Ray’s joy in saying this was the most fun Sabres game yet this season but I just can’t. The third period was vintage Sabres. When I use that phrase I’m referring to the 2010s Sabres. They had no lead but decided to more or less retreat into a defensive shell. They had let the expected goals darling of this young NHL season back into the game and in the third they let them take over. Every player wearing Blue and Gold on that sheet of ice saw their corsi percentage implode and had it not been for Carter Hutton standing on his head at times there would have been no loser point as solace. Evan Rodrigues started the game out hungry. By the third period he disappeared. Jake McCabe and Rasmus Ristolainen simultaneously decided to forget two respective lifetimes of hockey training and could not pass a puck without a turnover for the life of them. Now one might say the Sabres began playing for overtime. One word answer there pals: unacceptable. Regulation wins are the currency of dynasties and I don’t care how good the Sabres have looked in extra hockey so far this season. Stop with that garbage.

Arizona earned their overtime point having shelled Buffalo with shots at a 2-1 rate in the third. In overtime they registered the only official shot on goal. Apart from an Olofsson ringer of the crossbar this was the worst overtime period I’ve seen from this new Sabres squad. As with the regulation portion of the night if Victor Hinostroza or Phil Kessel converted any of their chances this would be a darker story. At one point even Hutton caught the turtle bug and turned over the puck in the corner almost gifting the Yotes an overtime winner. It was a jaw dropping overtime in more bad ways than good ones. It went to the shootout and all it took was Nick Schmaltz outmaneuvering Hutton to sink one to seal the visitor’s victory. This one ended 3-2 Coyotes and looked like a microcosm of the Sabres play through its now completed first month of the season: gloriously fun and evidently more cohesive as a team but very much still bearing the toothless mistrust of themselves and propensity to fail to complete games. They end October 9-2-2 and I think that record is very telling. They’ll will have to sit on this surrender until Friday when they travel to Washington to take on the Capitals. I think the last third period plus of this game earned them every little bit of the nagging sensation this outcome will weigh on them in those intermittent days.

So back to the Housley memories: he got some applause when the video tribute came on the jumbotron and I don’t necessarily hate that. BUT, and this is a big but, most of us Sabres fans simply will not remember him fondly, at least for his coaching tenure. One @alexa_mallare replied with her photo of the Fire Housley sign her and her family made and put up in the 300 level for a few glorious minutes at Fan Appreciation Night last season. According to her Rasmus Ristolainen caught sight of it during warmups and got a chuckle out of it. Alexa says the team staff held Housley in the tunnel while they were forced to take it down. Heroes! Heroes, I tell you! Those last few months of the season were so catatonic someone had to show signs of life and it ended up having to be us fans. @depressedbflos replied with the Rob Ray quotes that got dug up and promptly reburied before the Housley firing. Evidently Ray was not treated right as a rookie by Housley during their playing careers and Ray still holds it against him. The quotes were from a 2003 Buffalo News piece that someone rediscovered as Housley dug his own grave that Spring. I think that was the moment that I personally realized he was done. When you’re so reviled by the fanbase you got signs going up, 15-year-old quotes coming out AND the team is losing at a record clip its over. Unfortunately Housleyisms like throwing Sobotka out there in the dying minutes of a 2-2 tie aren’t lost on Ralph Krueger. However I think we can all agree this new guy is a whole lot better at… well… everything? Everything right?

The one guy who replied a positive gif of the former coach made sure to qualify afterward that he did not endorse the coaching acumen of Housley. What a crazy time we lived through, eh? This has been the roast of Phil Housley. Thank you for coming, please like, comment and share this blog on your way out. Should we be concerned about this current team? Eh, yes in certain places. Do I think they’ll win at this clip in November: no. Do I think they’ll win more games than they lose: yes. I really feel as though 9-2-2 is something to believe in. This club is really something new. I believe it and you should too. They’ve got two games left this weekend and then it’s off to Sweden. I choose to believe, and risk being hurt. I suggest you do too. What fun would this be if we all played it safe?

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Happy Halloween everyone.

[gdmli]

Social Capital: When a Diversity & Inclusion Lesson Turns into a Painful Gut-Check

By Laura Miller, CLP Class of 2020

It took me a week to sit down and write this blog.

I thought about writing it every day, usually multiple times. Even sat down a handful of times to do it, too. Pulled up my OneNote, opened a page, typed a title…and then? Nothing. Too many words in my head and nothing I could make sense of to put on paper.

And there are a lot of good reasons I was able to use as excuses for my hesitation. Our Social Capital class last Thursday was rich with new information and tools and stories and challenges. Somehow, it managed to be simultaneously energizing and completely draining, and through my conversations with our classmates I know I wasn't alone in that feeling. I got home and I was shattered. Absolutely, without a doubt, in pieces. And the thing is…as I walked into our classroom at Principal last Thursday morning, I knew it was going to be a difficult day. I was ready for it! Diversity and Inclusion in our communities and organizations is always a source of difficult discussion if you give it the weight and consideration it deserves. I thought I knew what to expect, I just didn't expect to walk away as deeply and profoundly moved as I was.

But the real, true, radically honest reason why I couldn't make sense of my reaction? Why I couldn't just sit down, type, and post? I just didn't want to confront the shift this class was already forcing me to make mentally and emotionally when it came to an issue I've always been passionate about. I didn’t want to admit that I’ve known for awhile that I wasn’t doing enough.

"I'm an ally!" I screamed in my mind. "I've always pushed for inclusion! I've always been an advocate! I've pushed back and spoken up when I've encountered sexism/racism/classism/homophobia! Whether it was directed at me or at others! Even when it was hard! Even when it hurt my career!" And the deal is - all of that is true. But you know what? It's just not enough for us to be reactive. Reaction is part of the game, unfortunately. Speaking up for yourself, speaking out with others…all of that is an important part of creating a more diverse, inclusive, and cohesive community, if even it has to be reactionary. But as I walked to my car on Thursday night, I was already starting to acknowledge that by focusing only on being reactive, I was part of the problem…and I didn't like that. And I didn't want to hear it from myself. And honestly? That kicked off some serious soul-searching  that I know I'll be doing for the long-term.

Diversity is often treated like a buzzword in the exact spaces where it needs to be given the largest platforms. Inclusion? That's a concept that many don't even think they need to lend time to. And those of us who are more sensitive to the need for that dialogue, and the positive change that can follow, often get tired. And frustrated. Or we worry about "rocking the boat" just a little too much. We'll speak up when we hear or see something we know to be wrong, but I think many of us stop there. We pat ourselves on the back, and say "I did something good today. And now I'm tired. There are better, smarter people that me to solve the problem…and when they do, I'll support them."

Maybe this doesn't ring true with you. Maybe you're a Diversity and Inclusion rockstar. Maybe you've started a diversity initiative at your company, maybe you've proposed a practice of blind hiring…maybe you've even built a career around starting the tough conversations and doing the right thing. If that's the case? I admire you. Please, PLEASE teach me your ways. And tell me how you keep fighting the good fight and pushing those around you to fight at your side, all without becoming exhausted and frustrated and emotionally depleted as a result. I want all of your secrets.

But I know there's no secret. No silver bullet here. I'm sure the people who fight the good fight have hundreds of days in their history where they've felt like they've given too much of themselves, even as they ring out a few more drops of progress. I heard many of those stories in class last week. I could hear the frustration in our voices, and the confusion, too. I heard so many confused voices from people like me, who were realizing that there was so much more we could have been doing all this time.

My ah-ha moments started early on the day of our Social Capital Class. Miriam Lewis, Principal's Chief Diversity & Inclusion Officer kicked things off, welcoming us to Principal, who generously donated our space for the day, as well as much of their employees' time. I was already floored. Principal has a Chief Diversity & Inclusion Officer? They have a C-Suite role…for Diversity? They have a whole team for it? Honestly, that was such awe-inspiring information to me that it took a few moments to process and recover. (I've since done a bit of research…about 20% of Fortune 500 companies employ Chief Diversity Officers. That's a great number. Amazing, really. But hey, let's try to make it 100%). 

When I was done being impressed by Principal having that degree of dedication to their Diversity & Inclusion program, I immediately transitioned to being impressed by Miriam Lewis as both a person and a professional. She's forged her career around creating opportunities to have open, honest conversations about tough subjects…and then pushing for and encouraging positive change. I want to be her when I grow up. And as she introduced her team and the work they do, she said something very simple that has been bouncing around in my head for days… 

"Most companies start with diversity and believe inclusion will follow, but that's not the case. If you start with inclusion, focusing on creating an inclusive environment, diversity will always follow" - Miriam Lewis 

I think I've paraphrased that idea a dozen times to coworkers and friends since I heard it. It takes something that many organizations seem confused or overwhelmed by, and makes it seem simple.

Miriam also validated something I've said for a long time (and don't we all love validation?) - by creating more diverse and inclusive organizations, we create more opportunities for organizational growth. Want to grow your customer base? Want to create a more diverse book of business? Start at home. If your organization isn't diverse and inclusive, how can you expect to attract more diverse clientele? If the conversation about doing the right thing isn't enough for a business to make a change, the bottom line will always do the talking for you.

I was inspired! I was going to effect positive change! I was going to take her approach and turn it into something that could inspire the world around me to move in the right direction! And that optimistic, simple inspiration kept ringing in my mind as we worked through our Design Thinking lesson (which my classmate Deidra will discuss with you in another post). I kept relating that content back to creating more inclusive ideas and projects in my daily life. Design Thinking is all about starting with the person, not the idea - and so is inclusivity. My big misstep? I was still technically thinking about the idea of inclusivity, not the actual people. I wasn't even thinking about myself, and what I needed to be included in the design, let alone others.

Ohhhh but don't you worry. That changed quickly. You knew I had to get to the source of my mental and emotional turmoil at some point, right?

Our afternoon was spent challenging our perceptions of diversity and inclusion in the Des Moines community - at work and at play. I was immediately captivated by our first afternoon presenter, Izaah JB Knox, the Executive Director of Urban Dreams. Urban Dreams is a long-time fixture in Des Moines, and is an important program that helps to break down barriers for underserved and underrepresented populations. And wow…did Izaah hit me hard, right off the bat, with some data about those populations. 

As a vocal cheerleader for the awesome things I see in Des Moines, I'm often the first to spout off about of the "Best Of" lists we fall on. Those lists are even a huge part of why I eventually boomeranged back to the Des Moines area after several years away! But I had no idea about the lists that we're at the bottom of: lists that relate to how safe minorities are in our communities, how much opportunity underserved populations feel, access to affordable housing, and more. It was all eye-opening for me, and deeply upsetting. This, I would find, was going to be a theme for me for the next few hours.

We then moved into our final activities and sessions: The American Dream Game, Discovering Your Unconscious Bias with Claudia Schabel, and a Social Awareness & Intersectionality discussion with Daniel Hoffman-Zinnel. The American Dream Game is something I truly believe that every group working towards progress and equality should participate in. It's hard to think of it as a "game", since the subject matter is heavy, and the conversation it inspires is even heavier. The activity "focuses on empathy for others and the potential challenges others may face each day", and forces participants to have an honest dialogue about the challenge you face as an individual, while confronting the things you don't know about the challenges faced by others in the room. I cried when I heard someone's story about their challenges, I cried when I had to be honest about challenges I myself had faced. I don't know when I suddenly became a person who cries easily, but the honestly and bravery that came out of my class during this activity was worth my being branded as A Crier (really, I need to emphasize this…the capitalization is necessary based on how much I cried. It was…not pretty).

I won't share the stories that changed my heart in the American Dream game. And I won't share the stories that did the same during our Unconscious Bias and Social Awareness & Intersectionality discussions. Those conversations were difficult, and honest, and private…just for us, as we all grow and change and open our eyes just a bit wider each day with each other's support. I will share that I saw a shift in our class. It was visible; we should have taken a picture of everyone's posture before, during, and after the class. But mostly, you could hear it; our voices changed. The way we spoke to one another changed. The way we spoke about one another changed. It was tangible how much our ways of thinking were changed.

I walked away hoping that it all stuck, not just for me but for everyone in that room. I wasn't sure that it would. Sometimes it's easier to push the tough conversations to the back of our minds. To pat ourselves on the back for just opening up. To tell ourselves "I'm an ally! I speak up for what's right! Even when it's hard! I do good things!". But today, a week after I was worried that the lessons we learned in that room may not stick…I'm not worried anymore. There's no way that I'm the only person that walked out of that room feeling that way. There's no way I'm the only person from our class who hasn't been able to stop thinking about the lessons we all learned. Most importantly, there's no way that I'm the only person who has not just been inspired to act, but truly feels called to do it.

Like I said earlier: reacting is great. But acting is better. Having a plan of action? That’s best.

So my challenge to all of you is this: be radically honest, be realistic, be hopeful, and above all else…be someone who acts. Be someone who has an action plan. I do! We can all listen to each other a little bit more, push through our frustration, and work together to make Des Moines the most Diverse & Inclusive place it can be. We can take the lessons we learned today back to our offices, our families, our friends. We have infinite ways that we can effect positive change.

We 

Just. 

Have.

To.

Act.

[thebibliosphere]

Hey, I'm really sorry to bother you and I hope I'm not out of line but I just read your newest post about your stomach and I'm curious... Do you have any idea what's wrong? See, I've got something similar and for the last year and a half I've been living on rice, chicken and the few veggies that don't make me sick. I've lost a third of my original weight, but all the doctors I've gone too have no idea what's wrong! Which is why I'm asking. I hope I'm not out of line and I wish you the best day!!

Not a damn clue. My diagnosis currently ranges from “you’re overweight try losing weight” (no longer valid since I dropped fucking 20lbs in a month and likely wasn’t valid for most of my symptoms to begin with) it’s “just” IBS (a chronic condition unto itself which too few people including doctors seem to realize and dismiss as non life impacting simply because it’s “common”) leaky gut caused by allergies (previously thought to be celiac but repeatedly tested negative for) chronic GERD (somewhat more under control than it was to the point when I am off my meds which worsened the other symptoms) vocal chord dysfunction (previously misdiagnosed as asthma which before that was misdiagnosed as purely anxiety when in fact the reason I was panicking was because I couldn’t breathe) “it’s just anxiety” (which yes I have anxiety, but I’ve realized a LOT of it was being caused by allergies causing a near constant adrenaline response so that was fun. Nice to know I was on sedatives as a teenager because no one bothered to listen to me when I said eating XYZ hurt), hormonal problems (despite my hormones always being “normal”), and last but not least “I mean, it could be fibromyalgia or an autoimmune disease, your symptoms are kind of hard to pin down”. That latter part being a direct quote from a doctor. 

I’ve also had severe issues with my teeth, which since I have switched to a holistic dentist, have largely been resolved. (Still in pain, but every time he does something my health bounces up a notch so it’s a process I’ll be working with him toward fixing over the next few years. He even suspects I might have been getting mercury poisoning from some seriously dangerously over the limit leaking amalgam fillings I got in my early teens. He’s also the only dentist willing to remove my root canal teeth because they’ve never fully healed.)

So. Yea. I have some of my own possible theories that it might be SIBO which many doctors here in the US seem reluctant to even admit is a real thing (my current dr certainly doesn’t and will not test for it despite it being an easy culture test to do) and some possible genetic fuckery/immune system bullshit. Both my parents are extremely ill people with very similar issues, my dad even has an autoimmune disease he doesn’t care enough to even remember the name of so I can’t just narrow the field and test directly for that. Thanks dad.

The difference between me and them is I am actively trying to get a diagnosis and claw some semblance of health/sanity back before I turn into a hermit resigned to dying young. 

A big thing for me seems to be allergies/intolerances which have sprung up in the last few years. (Rice is the first thing doctors recommend for eating “plain” food but it’s actually a huge trigger food for a LOT of people) Eating only organic seems to have helped (suggesting a preservative allergy, which my allergist just kind of said “I believe you, but there’s no reliable test for it so just...don’t eat them”) 

Which is where you find me at now, two years down the rabbit hole of trying to get an accurate diagnosis. As for asking questions, it’s entirely okay to ask questions. I’ve pretty much wound up documenting my chronic health issues because a) it was helping me to keep track of things and then b) my blog got popular due to shenanigans and then a bunch of other people started going “HEY ME TOO” and we’ve created a sort of exhausted support group for each other and also c) the number of people who message me on a daily basis to tell me it helps them to know they are not alone is just...I’ve cried twice today at some of the messages I’ve gotten, and at the time of typing this it’s not even noon. 

I do not mind being public with any of this because gods help me if someone can figure out some small puzzle piece of their life from me falling apart then in some small way it will be worth it. Cause I know what that feeling is like. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Chronic health issues are so incredibly isolating.

So yea...next step I’m off to see a natruopathic/functional medicine doctor (yes I made sure they are licensed physicians and not just crazy hippies) in the hopes that she might have some answers for me, or is at least willing to listen to me, which uh, yeah, the more you refuse to accept suffering to be your way of life, many doctor’s don’t seem to appreciate. I had my GI doctor tell me I shouldn’t google my symptoms and just accept the fact that the meds he prescribed for the chronic GERD would dissolve my intestines which, hahahahah, ha. No. I do not accept that. Not even a little bit.

[whirofinvention-blog]

My Brief Encounter With the Sun

It has been a while since I've posted here, at least relative to the rate I would like to be posting and to the events I would like to be attending. To start, I guess I should come clean and admit I didn't attend GP Portland. By now I've drafted three separate posts about my not attending, but they all sounded self-indulgent. Instead of a dedicated post, here's the bullet points:

- I did not know anyone playing in the main event. When I started this blog, I knew two people locked in to the event, but leading up to the event they all dropped out. This is not the end of the world, but it is nice to have friends around to celebrate and commiserate with.

- My deck choice was up in the air. As I have mentioned before, I own Hardened Scales and Lantern Control. My results leading up to the GP with Scales were middling at best. Lantern on the other hand has a better track record, but underperforms against skilled opponents. Plus both are faced with the daunting amount of sideboard hate present for KCI decks right now.

-Lastly, and most importantly, social anxiety was the big roadblock. This is something I have struggled with for awhile. It is far from crippling, but it is stifling at times. I get in my own head about it. Though the other two points were factors, they probably could have been ignored. My anxiety just let them become excuses.

There were still silver linings. I had a great time at the event site with friends playing EDH, and I bought and sold a lot of cardboard.

Plus, the Friday of the GP, I registered for Oakland. Maybe that little bit of disappointment in myself was the perfect push to get me to register for Oakland.

If you're reading this, it means you probably keep up with Magic pretty frequently and are already aware that I did not top 8 the GP this past weekend. It was the most successful weekend (in fact it was pretty heartbreaking), but I had a great time. Friday night I got into Oakland pretty late so did not have time to go to the convention center. Instead I went to the home of my friend David and his partner Kayla who graciously housed me this weekend. We ate some dinner and stayed up way too late drinking, catching up and playing games of Scales versus Mono-Red Phoenix.

Saturday, we got up and made our way to the hall for what was going to be a long day. Before Round 1, I got my beautiful full-art Bolt promo as well as my not-so-beautiful Tigtone playmat and sat down for my first round. Unfortunately for me, I got paired against a pretty rough matchup to start my tournament: UB Faeries. If you have never read the card Mistbind Clique, I would suggest giving it a look cause it is a very messed up card. We went to game 3, but ultimately, the tempo power of his deck combined with his suite of removal and counters proved to strong for my robots.

Round 2 can be described pretty easily. If you are playing against TitanShift and your opponent fails to ever draw a Primeval Titan or a Scapeshift, then their deck looks pretty atrocious.

The following round was the one that really hurt. Most of it is a blur besides the last turn. My opponent was on Grixis Death's Shadow and sitting at 5 life with a few cards, two shocks, a fetch, and a Gurmag and Death's Shadow. I had three lands (2 Nexus, 1 Citadel), a Hangarback on 4 counters with and activation up, a Mox, and a Ravager on three counters at 15 life. My opponent cantrips main phase, plays a second fetch, and goes to combat swinging with both. I know that if he has a Temur Battle Rage, and I don't block the Death's Shadow, I am dead, so I immediately block the Shadow. He then goes to 1 life by fetching a  shock and fetching a basic and TBR's the Shadow. I activate Hangarback and the Inkmoth and sacrifice all of my permanents besides the Welding Jar and a Thopter to the Ravager. We do the math. I have a 13/13 Ravager to his 12/12 Shadow. He tramples over for 11 and deals 5 with the Gurmag for lethal. There were two mistakes I made here. The first you may have noticed. If I was going to sac the Hangarback, why not block the Gurmag first. This one felt bad. The other was that I simply did the math wrong and thought the attack put me to 14.

This round spawned the quote of the weekend when I texted Dave: "I just punted my round 3 into the fucking sun." Unfortunately for Dave, he also made a round losing misplay this round, so we vented to each other which helped. Having a friend around can really help alleviate the anger/stress/sadness from moments like this.

Round 4 is where my tournament ended. My opponent was on Devoted Evolution. Game 1 I had a Hardened Scales and Ballista and was able to kill all his creatures easily. The other two games he assembled infinite mana and a mana dump with the first four turns. The only really relevant statistic I have is that all of the games where I resolved a Hardened Scales and was able to put a +1/+1 counter on a creature while it was out, I won easily. The deck felt extremely strong in those instances, and it won a couple games without the Enchantment. Overall, I can't be too disappointed given the amount of preparation I put into things and walked away proud of the fact that even though I scrubbed out early, I took my opponents to game 3 every time and had a nice time.

The rest of the weekend was side events which were super fun. I managed to play a couple Battlebond drafts with Dave which were great, but I want to quickly tell you about my ridiculous Ultimate Masters draft. 

The draft started with me taking a Demonic Tutor and getting passed an Unholy Hunger followed by a blue card. Pick 4 I saw a Spider Spawning and went all in. By the end of the draft I had an absolutely insane U/B/g self-mill deck that's win cons were pretty much just a Spider Spawning, Rise from the Tides and a Lab Man I picked up pack 3 pick 7. Round 1 I was paired against Dave, of course, and proceeded to slowly crush his U/W Heroic deck and killed him with Lab Man in 2 quick games. Round 2 didn't go as well. I got paired against the only other competent drafter at the table who was on G/W Heroic and made a 4/4 on turn 3 both games while holding up protection for it. After the games, my opponent told me that she thought my deck was the sweetest and probably the only other good deck in the pod which was nice.

There's not much else to say about the event, except it was a ton of fun, and I am already looking forward to the next one (GPLA in March maybe?).

Before I end things, I feel obligated to talk about the bannings announcement scheduled for two weeks from now. I know most of the world will never read this, but I want to stake a claim and call my shot now.

Modern has a problem that needs to be fixed: KCI. In a typical tournament 4 of the top 8 decks being the same archetype isn't the end of the world, but KCI has been showing a dominant performance in the modern metagame for months now. No matter how many copies of Stony Silence and Rest in Peace are running around, the deck still puts up amazing results. Plus the addition of Sai has made it so some games they just attack you to death. None of this even takes into account how the deck can have 10 minute turns and is a nightmare to sit down across at your local FNM.

As I see it there are a few different permutations for possible bans and unbans that may be on the horizon.

The first, and perhaps most vocalized ban, is Ancient Stirrings. This card is probably the best card draw spell in Modern and sees play in KCI, so it seems like the logical card to target with a ban. Unfortunately, I don't think banning it would actually do too much to KCI. If it were banned, I would expect the deck to just abandon green in favor of more blue sources to take advantage of Whir of Invention. Plus, if you ban Ancient Stirrings, then you are also hurting Tron, Amulet, Hardened Scales, and Lantern/4-Color Prison. Some people might say that it is for the good of the format to take the card out of it, but I have to ask, when is it good for a format to hurt 5 different decks with one banning?

The next most likely banning in my eyes is Faithless Looting. Much like Ancient Stirrings, this card is extremely powerful and is the only other card in the running for most powerful draw spell in the format (at least in my eyes). Looting is almost never used as a fair card and has shown how strong it can be in the recent resurgence of Dredge as well as the new Arclight Phoenix decks. The only reason I write about it here is I believe you cannot ban Ancient Stirrings without also banning Looting. If you get rid of Stirrings it will make the Looting decks stronger in the format. Now, if you ban both of them, you would be hurting a huge chunk of the format. Maybe this is what WotC wants. A fairer looking field of decks in modern. Personally, I don't want to play a format where the combo decks are Storm and CoCo with the other decks all being things like GBx, UW Control and Spirits. I cannot imagine a world where they ban just Looting and not Stirrings as well.

This brings me to the card that people have been asking about banning almost as much as Stirrings. Krark-Clan Ironworks. KCI as a deck obviously couldn't exist without the card KCI. The free sacrifice outlet is powerful and maybe is too powerful for Modern. It creates the mana to cast the spells. If WotC banned KCI, I think it would be a fine decision while only impacting one deck in the format. 

Still, I don't think banning KCI is the answer. The card has potential and provides a unique effect to the format, that could see other uses. Maybe people start turbo-ing out their Emrakuls or making giant Walking Ballistas with it. I don't know, but the options are there. Scrap Trawler on the other hand doesn't really seem to have the same potential and is the card I would most like to see banned. If KCI makes the mana, Scrap Trawler is the part that makes the loops actually happen. It gets you back the Spheres and Stars to draw the cards. Plus, it is hard for me to imagine this card ever doing anything other than degenerate interactions with egg-like artifacts. Just like with KCI, banning this would have no effect on the format other than hurting KCI, but I think KCI has more potential for fair things and for that reason should be left in the format. 

A few other thoughts I have on the current ban list. Though at this point in time it is pretty much a meme, I do believe Stoneforge Mystic would be a safe unban. It is rare that I find myself in a game where Stoneforge Mystic would be too good. Though it is a powerful card and will assuredly see play in fair decks, modern has become a strong enough format over the past few years that I doubt it would be an issue right now.

The other unbanning I could see happening, and actually want to happen more, is Preordain. Green and Red should not have the best one-mana cantrips in modern. Blue is the card draw color and blue deserves the best cantrip. There are a few worries with unbanning Preordain, specifically blue based combo decks like Storm would become oppressive. That may happen, but I believe that has more to do with storm being a bad mechanic than Preordain being too strong for the format. Plus, I think this might be the best solution to avoid having to ban Stirrings and Looting anytime soon. Maybe this would make the format too combo-centric, but this isn't Legacy where we have Ponder and Brainstorm. Fair blue decks would play Preordain and be better off for it.

Also, they should unban Punishing Fire just to see what the fuck happens.

Well, then. See ya soon I guess. Next time I will probably write about an EDH deck.

[renaroo]

Wednesday Roundup

*long deep sigh*

Okay, I said last week I was going to cancel all Marvel subscriptions in response to the bullcrap that was revealed in Secret Empire. And I continue to firmly stand on not supporting Marvel on any decisions involving that catastrophe. But I must go back on my word. After discussing with friends and others about the best course of action, I am afraid that Marvel set things up -- what with the anti-diversity talks just a few weeks ago -- to make it seem as though any boycotts that would come about due to the Hydra revelations last week would be scapegoated to the titles that are doing the opposite. So I want to support titles that do just that -- titles like Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur -- so long as their book isn’t involved with the crossover and if their authors don’t seem to have much involvement either. 

... also I pre-ordered Deadpool Vol. 6 for a specific reason that I’ll get into in the review.

All that out of the way, let’s get into the comics this week~

DC’s Batman Beyond, Marvel’s Deadpool, DC’s Detective Comics, Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, DC’s Wonder Woman

DC’s Batman Beyond (2016- ) #7 Dan Jurgens, Bernard Chang, Marcello Maiolo

*long heralding sigh* We can’t leave well enough alone, can we, DC?

The continuity of Batman Beyond has somewhat been in the toilet from the start. Anything which got its start thanks to the awfulness that was Futures End was sort of doomed to that, especially since they were trying to make that the canon ending of the DCU proper, while at the same time drawing in elements from the animated series. 

This book, though, honestly gave me a lot of hope for what it was doing, which was to focus on the characters pretty specifically from the DCAU Batman Beyond cartoon and growing their stories and relationships rather than focusing on trying to put itself too immediately in the Earth Prime timeline. 

And those moments from this issue are great. We get more Max and Bruce interactions, which I love. We get some actual growth of Dana and Terry’s relationship. Curare is still one of my favorite villains. Matt’s increased role excites me.

And then we get this fucking page. 

I have a bad history with DC splash pages of “our family history” already (see any of my Batgirl (2009-2011) rants), but this one just goes straight for the throat. Sorry literally every woman in the Batfamily ever. I mean, usually at least Barbara gets a shoutout but not even that this time around. And then the worst offense is that Damian and Duke are both whitewashed. What the actual fuck.

This entire page is a disaster, especially since we are very obviously just using it to foreshadow that the leader of the League of Assassins has to do with Damian, because godforbid anyone but the biological child be treated special. 

Oh, sorry. Biological male child. Or else we’d see some plots with Helena Wayne, couldn’t have that. 

Oh, Batman Beyond. Why must you hurt me the way you do. I was enjoying you so much too. 

Marvel’s Deadpool (2015- ) Volume 6: Patience: Zero Gerry Duggan, Matted Lolli, Scott Koblish, Guru-eFX

So I’ve obviously made some exceptions to my Marvel rule and that is simply a case-by-case basis. There are stronger reasons for the other exception this week, Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, which I would honestly be devastated if it was taken down because of this monumental grossness that is Marvel right now because it’s the epitome of everything that’s not the Secret Empire catastrophe.

The other is Deadpool because I pre-ordered this volume months ago and because Deadpool is just a weird exception of a comic to begin with. At least as Deadpool is written under Gerry Duggan and how these particular issues especially are written.

So yes, while I would recommend all the issues in this trade to comic fans, the issue I really bought this volume for is for a very personal reason: #20 is the issue dealing with suicide and mental illness and... as someone who struggles on this road in my own life, in both point of views we have here, I am... very particular about how these issues are approached. I hate the way it was handled in Robin (1993-2009), despise the way it was portrayed in All-Star Superman, I just honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever read a story -- especially in comics -- that spoke to me and made me feel like I benefited from it the way the comics were obviously trying to make me feel. 

Deadpool goes the most realistic route I’ve ever seen this handled. It’s about “death is permanent, so let’s make sure there’s nothing else you want to do first” It’s about helping someone out, giving them other things to focus on in the moment, giving them more to experience, and then knowing when professional help is needed, when you’re beyond your means. 

And it’s hard. Deadpool says it best -- unkilling someone is way harder. And I’ve never felt an issue strike such a cord with me before. 

Of course, that’s only one of several issues collected, and we finally get the climax and our answers with Madcap. The entire storyline was rediculous, dramatic, frightening, and any range of emotions between. A great story overall even if anything involving Hydra -- especially Bob -- inherently sickens me at this point. 

If you’re on that level with me on the Hydra stuff, I would recommend buying #20 on its own and then #25 to finish up the Deadpool 2099 story which, for me, had a good conclusion to it. 

But yeah. This was a splurge purchase at least partially because... I have a feeling I won’t be picking up the next few trades of Deadpool flat out, honestly. Lots of Secret Empire this way comes. And I’m not happy about it. Hopefully I can pick up Vol. 8 or 9 and we can get back to Deadpool and Ellie and Preston and everything that makes me love this comic to begin with. 

DC’s Detective Comics (2016- ) #955 James Tynion IV, Marcio Takara, Marcello Maiolo

CASS HAS A GIRLFRIEND BALLERINA AND SHE APOLOGIZED AND ALL IS GOOD AND NOT AN ORPHAN ANYMORE BE STILL MY HEART

OKAY. So that’s out of my system. Last time (two weeks ago) I went into a full on rant about how there are things I Love about Tynion’s writing -- relationships, character building, the sense of family, understanding how to write Cass the way few writers other than her creators have truly gotten -- and things I Hate about Tynion’s writing -- an overall lack of build up for payoff, weak plots, a bit of a ‘break the status quo’ mentality despite a lack of building said status quo -- there are Things. And I can make entire essays about how I feel he needs to grow as a writer especially when it comes to writing mysteries which is what Detective Comics should be at its core. 

I’m putting that aside for now -- still there, I still have my issues with this arc -- but this issue is... It’s going to be a milestone. 

It’s going to be a milestone in bringing Cass’ character back into full form. And I loved every moment of it. The pacing was still.... ehhh. Could’ve probably benefited more from immediately starting with the flashback explaining Cass’ recovery and reintroducing our ballerina girlfriend, then launching into the present time uninterrupted. Maybe show Cass rescuing the others from their naked Hell, because as far as I can tell that just means we’re going to have another disorganized flashback in the next issue which isn’t making me excited because that should be the finale to all of this. 

Yatta yatta. Critical lenses are on, everyone, don’t worry. I’m still the Rena you know.

I just don’t care as much because those things I Love that I mentioned? They where here and they were with my favorite characters. And ALSO???? Tynion planted the seed of the ballerina and Cass living above the studio many issues ago??? And then actually gave us payoff for it??? What is this, a personal letter to me?

Nah, can’t be. No windows were broken in this issue.

I enjoyed myself is what I’m getting at. It’s amazing how I can be really irritated with Detective Comics and then all the sudden it drags me right back in with an issue that gets me just right. 

Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur (2015- ) #18 Amy Reeder, Brandon Montclare, Natacha Bustos, Tamra Bonvillain

So i’ve dropped some books in my personal Marvel ban, and I will be avoiding anything remotely related to Secret Empire like the plague, and I still encourage other people to do the same. But there are some books, some ideas, some diversity in the Marvel lineup that for me are simply just too important to throw out with the bathwater. 

Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur is 1000% a book I want to survive Marvel’s current tirefire. 

And since Marvel curiously made it clear that they were going to throw their diversity titles under the bus and blame them for any loss of sales this summer just before knowingly putting out a terribly controversial book, I can’t help but allow my suspicions to rise. 

Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur continues to be the best of the genre and the first book I recommend to kids -- which is something I do quite a lot. If you’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know that I am very active in trying to get new, young readers into comics and have personally given out comics to kids in and out of the country. It’s something that is very important to me, having been raised with comics myself. 

So I am very happy to go back on my word for titles like Moon Girl and I’m so glad that a book so inviting and loving is around in the disaster that is the larger comic landscape for the Marvel Universe. 

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016- ) #21 Greg Rucka, Liam Sharp, Laura Martin

Considering how vocally I have been annoyed with the “B story” of this Wonder Woman run thus far, it’s a real relief to finally be able to say, as the storylines converge and we come sadly closer to the end of Rucka’s return to Wonder Woman, finally this slow burn has been worth it. And this moment I chose in particular -- Veronica Cale at long last taking Diana’s hand -- is so built up, is so necessary that it makes everything truly feel like it’s deservedly come full circle.

And Cale’s motivations in Rebirth fit so much better than they did in the Post-Crisis comics, it makes everything about this confrontation and this conclusion worthwhile.

Though there’s still a lot to be fixed in terms of Rucka’s more... tone deaf treatment of earlier racist tropes and so on that have proven to be basically completely unnecessary to this plot. That’s a pretty gross road to end up going down for no reason.

And finally we get to Ares. And maybe it’s the animal lover in me but I’m like “those poor Dobermen, hope they still have a home with Cale after the twin gods’ souls are released. 

... Look we all know I’m going to pick Detective Comics for my pick of the week this week because I’m a sheep and it hit everything I wanted from an issue of Detective Comics including giving us more Cass-Ballerina action and having a fanciful callout to Phantom of the Opera that made my heart soar. 

But I would, for this week, also like to provide a secondary pick for Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur for being not just a fantastic book (which it is) but continuing to provide a bright light at the end of a very, very long and dark tunnel that is the Marvel Universe. It is the Marvel of tomorrow if they could just stop with their bullshit. Which, because it’s Marvel, they probably won’t. 

But these are just my thoughts and opinions, I’d love to hear from all of you. What did you think of this week? Any good titles I’m not picking up? I’d love to hear from you