#I’ve had these percolating since writing utility but this really let me get it on the nose. expand on what I was outlining into somth more

[tiptapricot]

Had a chat w @khonshuscondemned under this post about a lot of parallels with Marc when it comes to how he deals with his emotions as a form of coping, and I decided to lay out/restate some stuff there in its own post since ideas got a bit out of hand.

Now I’ve already actually kind of talked ab (presented..?) some of these thoughts in my fic Utility, but the long n short of it is that in my view, Marc has become a master of compartmentalization when it comes to his emotions, because that’s how he’s learned to survive and cope with the trauma he holds.

Percy’s post specifically touches on the scene with the kid goon on the cliff in Cairo, and how Marc very clearly through the start of the episode makes deliberate choices not to harm the kid as much as the others. A slap instead of a punch, knocking out instead of threatening with a knife, throwing the knife away once he does find himself with it, etc. There’s a line for him there, and he obviously doesn’t want to cross it (also Jake chooses not to kill the kid, but doesn’t seem to hesitate for the other two, indicating that that’s a line for him as well).

However, Khonshu then orders Marc to take the kid to the edge, and we see him hesitate. Until now, not crossing his own line has been seamless with his fighting, a non issue, but here we see him falter. “He’s just a kid.” Just like Marc was. He knows what it’s like to be intimidated and scared and hurt by someone more powerful than him, and he doesn’t want to be that. But he has to be, and so he is.

And that’s the thing about Marc Spector. He feels things, he has triggers and boundaries, but he always shoves them to the side because his life is one big emergency situation, and in his eyes, that doesn’t leave room for opening up, for feeling conflict and fear. Because that would also leave him open to mistakes, open for his enemies to get their shot in, and that, in turn, could lead to the emergency situation turning into one of life or death.

From childhood to serving Khonshu, Marc has learned that taking things out of their box could be deadly, that doing so will only cause him harm and pain and anguish, and so he doesn’t. He keeps all his things sealed up and he doesn’t touch them, and he shoves them away when he needs to because he needs to.

And we see that in the cliff scene. We see him hesitate, and then boom, he shifts to a stony face, to a snarl, forcing himself into the rough and tumble headspace of someone who doesn’t care, someone who couldn’t care, because that’s what needs to be done. He holds the kid out over the ledge and—

He falls. And dies. And Marc has tripped headfirst over his line.

We see his face in utter shock for a moment, horrified and surprised, because that wasn’t supposed to happen, and just like always it was his fault (Abdullah El Faouly also wore a scarf when he died, because of Marc, because he thought he could do something he couldn’t). It’s enough to tip things over and let a reaction spill out for just a split second. But then he hides it all away again. He redirects his anger back onto Steven because it takes it off his hands, and then diverts his focus back to the mission, back to Khonshu, because he knows if he dwells on this for too long it will stop their mission in its tracks, and only more people will die.

We see a similar reaction at the trial where, once again, emotion is ripped out of Marc, put on display without his consent, and even when he is crying and tired and weak on the ground, he still pushes himself aside to get the job done. He points the finger at Harrow and says this is not about him because it isn’t, and if it was, then all of it would have to be, and he cannot be paralyzed by the weight of everything he refuses to recognize. He can’t be weak because then Harrow will win, and that can’t happen, and he specifically can’t be the one to let it happen (he cannot be blamed for something again. he is responsible and he does the right thing and he takes care of the people that need taking care of because that’s what he’s supposed to do and he’s already failed twice and seen how it ruins his life [caves and deserts, mothers and gods] and he can’t let that happen again).

And then! He doesn’t recognize afterwards that that sucked! That Harrow utilizing his mental health against him so aggressively was triggering and traumatizing. He’s gruff with Layla, but we see him freeze up at Mogart’s when Harrow shows up and he’s only able to move once he leaves. He doesn’t cower, he just looks angry and unbreakable. He becomes so unflinchingly tough that his body locks him in place and stops him from acting, even when Khonshu urges him to, because he is too caught up in himself and too busy hiding it. In Marc’s mind, even if he knows what’s happening in his head he can’t show it to anyone else, because vulnerability is weakness, weakness brings pain, and pain is the worst thing he can think of.

This of course, ironically, is exactly the situation he’s put in in the Duat.

Marc knows about his past, he knows what the doors Steven asks about lead to. He brushes off seeing himself at the Shiva as just an old memory, just some random time on a street, and he tries to deflect and hide. Moon Knight until this point has been a masterclass in watching Marc Spector’s cycle of repression, forced vulnerability, and repression again, but he isn’t allowed to take that step back this time. Instead it is the act of literally opening doors, LITERALLY opening things up to someone, that allows him to begin to heal (which isn’t to say that ANYONE should be forced to confront trauma they aren’t ready for, but in Marc’s case he was not going to allow anyone to see those things and it was doing damage to himself, and sharing the burden allowed his weight to be lighter).

In our brief convo, Percy then brought up the point that in the Duat, while Marc opens up to Steven, opens his sarcophagus, lets him in, he walks right past Jake’s. The room that was already open to begin with.

And that just… summarizes Marc’s conflict perfectly.

Because he chooses to open up to Steven, to force through that connection even if it hurts and wasn’t meant to be there, but even though Jake is there, asking for it, waiting for it, he cannot extend the same action. Because Jake is just another thing to keep in its box, another line he won’t cross. Only this time that line is a threshold. It is the step over an open door, into something sealed up tight in another room. Out of sight, out of mind. If he doesn’t recognize Jake, if he doesn’t see him, he can stay in the comfortable reality where he isn’t there, and their brain becomes much easier to manage. Because Marc is already walking a razor’s edge. Steven alone is enough, his own past and trauma alone is enough, and he is at his limit, pushing it.

Marc is constantly at his breaking point, and Jake would just be too much. He is extra baggage, something that when exposed cannot be hidden again, and Marc would be forced to topple right over the edge, to confront that maybe he has more to deal with than he thought he did, more than he ever could alone or even with Steven.

And that, of course, would mean he’d need support. From others. That reaching out would become what he needs to do instead of pulling away.

Jake would open a door, without Marc even touching the doorknob, and that, out of everything, is something he can. Not. Allow.

[kalena-henden]

@onlymorelove said: Now I have to ask you: fave movie(s)? Fave Cap moments? Only if you feel like answering, of course. No pressure!

Yes, absolutely! I want to answer. I love Marvel too and not just the MCU. 

I grew up in a fanasty/sci-fi family. Our main trifecta was Star Wars/Star Trek/Doctor Who but there was always a healthy dose of superheroes in there as well. As a kid I watched superhero cartoons (Spiderman/X-Men/Batman/Superman) and live-action (b&w Superman, 60s Batman, 70s Wonder Woman, 90s Flash and Lois & Clark) shows, and of course some of the Superman and Batman movies. In the 2000s, I saw most of the Spiderman, X-Men, Batman & Superman movies. But the MCU has really outdone itself. I'm so impressed with the level of continuing connective storytelling that is usually reserved for tv shows. It's allowed for real character development. Also, it made me truly care and love characters that I had not been aware of previously. Since I've been watching these movies slowly unfold over the last decade, it's not hard for me to choose a favorite. Each time I would see one, the question I would ask myself was is this better than the last MCU movie I had seen? Early on the answer was often yes until the bar was set very high.

It stopped at Captain America: The Winter Soldier. This is my benchmark film. Civil War came close. The Guardians movies came close. Infinity War may be it's equal. I need more time to mull that over. Below is my whole list, in order (yay, I'm gonna do it):

My Tier 1: Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Infinity War, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America: Civil War, Thor: Ragnarok, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers. 

My Tier 2: Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor, Thor: The Dark World, Black Panther, Iron Man 3. 

My Tier 3: Iron Man, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Ant-Man, Doctor Strange, Iron Man 2.

Won't be watching: The Incredible Hulk with Edward Norton.

Honestly, I enjoyed all these movies. Even the Tier 3 (which is 3 out of 5 stars) are still good. They do such a fantastic job of making you fall in love with the characters even if the storylines might not be the greatest. That’s a pretty impressive thing to accomplish.

Okay, what makes The Winter Soldier my favorite movie? Where do I start? The storytelling is so tight! There’s not a moment wasted. There is tension, humor, amazing character development. This is the first movie I really felt like I got to know Natasha and Nick Fury as people. We got to dive deeper into Steve’s psyche and discover Bucky’s trauma. Sam comes in and immediately is a great friend and ally. It has intriguing moral questions which are discussed and debated becoming dilemmas requiring decisive action. All the characters make important choices about what to do with their lives. The fight scenes are amazing and retain their danger and intensity with repeated viewings which is a hard feat, in particular the elevator scene and highway scene. I LOVE all the hand to hand combat. It’s like a dance. In fact, there’s a wonderful video putting the highway scene to Britney Spear’s Toxic. The more I watch this movie the more little nods to past stories or insights into a character’s journey I discover. 

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Steve rarely talks about himself. This is unlike most of the Avengers who can’t STOP talking about themselves. lol He talks about ideas, strategy, missions, beliefs, people, but rarely his life. Most of what we know of Steve is by watching his journey ourselves (so we know his history), friends talking about him or things they’ve done together, and by people asking him questions directly. The last one is most relevant to this movie. More than any other Marvel film this story is quite literally asked a TON of questions by the characters, revealing not just plot points but who they are and what is important to them. Also, I’m a huge fan of ensemble films. While they rightfully never take the spotlight off of Steve, they are also able to utilize him to shine a light on other characters. The way they balanced out all the characters’s development was truly impressive. 

It highlights why the Russo Brothers were the right directors to take on Civil War and next Avengers movies. (Though let’s not be too hard on Joss Whedon because there are now 4 people--2 directors and 2 writers--doing what he alone did for the first 2 Avengers films.) I’m a fan of Honest Trailers which playful poke at the plot holes of films. Interestingly, the Honest Trailer for The Winter Soldier is mostly praising the film cause it’s so good and has few plot holes, so instead they jokingly start nitpicking. When Civil War was about to come out, Screen Junkies (who makes Honest Trailers) had the Russos do a reaction video to The Winter Soldier Honest Trailer. They directors mentioned that they tried to “Honest Trailer proof” the story during the making of TWS to keep plot lines logical and also answered the questions the Honest Trailer asked.  

Some favorite things/moments about The Winter Soldier:

Steve’s angry petty snark “Neighbor” as Sharon walks past him in the hall at Shield. It’s rare that we get to see him like this. lol

Steve and Natasha’s friendly banter as she tries to find a date for him the entire movie. It shows how much she cares and wants a normal life for him. 

Sam’s “I do what he does just slower.”

Bucky’s calm lithe walk as carries out his missions. He barely says anything in this movie but his body language speaks volumes. I wasn’t a big Bucky fan in the first movie but I was absolutely entranced with him in this one. 

Bucky: “But I knew him.” Gah, rip my heart out why don’t ya?

Steve and Natasha’s parallel conversations about what they want in life and trust aka “you might be in the wrong business”. I love their friendship.

“On your left” hahahahaha

Peggy as his confident again. So much love there.

Natasha teaching Steve on the fly how to slip away in plain sight from the enemy surrounding you by using psychological spy techniques and Steve’s funny responses. “Walk don’t run.”/”If I run in these shoes, they’re gonna fall off.”  “Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable.”/”Yes, they do.”

“You’re my friend.”/”You’re my mission.”

[Note: Sorry this took so long. I don’t know why but it’s always so hard for me to sit down and write stuff. Anyway, I decided to post the first half now cause I don’t want to make you wait any longer. I’ll answer my fave Cap moments in another post eventually. I have too many Cap thoughts that have been percolating for a decade, they’re hard to condense. I feel like it’s going to come out as more of a meta.]

[geneticandunattainable]

There’s a clear bend toward electronic music late in this cluster, but the group overall spans multiple genres, including rock, R&B, and even a cinematic pop behemoth.  Now that we’re in the top twenty songs of the entire year, we’re discussing tracks that I may have listened to more than two hundreds times apiece.

20. Middle Kids – “Your Love” These three musicians from Sydney are still getting their careers off the ground, as they’ve only released an EP at this point; given the strength of the song “Your Love,” we should get used to hearing from them for years to come. The song is practically filled with hooks, and makes for an entirely delightful listen. Singer Hannah Joy, backed by her husband/bassist Tim Fitz and drummer Harry Day, effortlessly blends genres with her captivating vocals.  Many critics deemed them as the intersection between independent rock and alternative country, but I hear more rock here than anything else.  “Your Love” certainly has some pop structure, though with more genuine bite than you’d typically hear on the radio, and the production is inventive, building and crashing over and over throughout the track.  Ultimately, there’s something timeless about the song’s sound, and could easily be a lost gem from the ‘80s even though it was released last spring.

19. Sammy Brue – “I’m Not Your Man” Sure, the vocal sounds young - even strained.  Sammy Brue is clearly still coming into his voice, but not as an artist...as an actual adult.  Brue was only 15 when he wrote and recorded his debut album, and this track specifically is a total jam.  His sound may not be for everyone, but one of the producers on this debut album was John Paul White - better known as half of the brilliant alt-country duo The Civil Wars.  There’s no question that he has the pedigree behind him, and his razor-sharp songwriting skills are unquestionable.  His lyrics feel contemporary, but the sound is ripped from decades past.  Clearly Woody Guthrie and Bob Dylan served as inspirations, but comparisons to Nirvana would be appropriate, too.  Brue is only going to get stronger from here, and continues to hone his folk/rock sound as he works with more musicians, including Justin Townes Earle and Lucinda Williams, just like a true prodigy.

18. Alice Merton – “No Roots” Alice Merton moved 24 times in only twelve years, leading to a feeling of complete isolation after bouncing around between Canada, the UK, Germany, and the States.  The longest that I’ve ever held one address is about five years, and my tally stands at just over two dozen moves in 33 years, so it should come as no surprise that I deeply relate to this song.  Merton swears that she had no idea it would become as popular as it did, landing her at the top of the charts for alternative rock; she’s the first solo female artist to top said chart since Lorde in 2014.  There’s an outstanding blend of genres here, with some funk percolating underneath the snarling bassline and the electronic-tinged breakdown in the latter third of the track.  One of the best aspects of the song, though, is the message; most people have a distinct place to imagine when thinking of the concept of ‘home.’  What’s clear to listeners here is that Merton lacks that experience, and that her perception of home is abstract at best when most can easily conjure that image.  For someone who shares that experience, I couldn’t be happier to sing along every time.

17. Carly Rae Jepsen – “Cut to the Feeling” There’s really no other way around it: Carly Rae Jepsen has quickly skyrocketed to the top of the list for pop stars who can consistently churn out high quality singles.  Part of the reason for her success, besides her obsession with 80’s-style synths, is that she refuses to lean into the darker side of pop that we’ve witnessed in recent years.  Jepsen isn’t concerned with mocking ex-boyfriends, frenemies, or rivals; her music centers around effervescent joie de vivre more than most of her contemporaries.  Essentially, her main goal is the distill the concept of euphoria into three or four minutes of blissful melodies.  The first thirty seconds of the track are unlike most on the radio right now, starting with synth that sounds bizarrely similar to the opening notes of Madonna’s “Lucky Star.” Any comparisons stop there, though, as the tightly measured handclap beat works perfectly with Jepsen’s syncopated vocals.  Nearly every review comments on how it was cut from her last full album, E•MO•TION, because it felt too ‘cinematic;’ my only regret is that it was wasted on a film as forgettable as Ballerina/Leap!, an animated dance movie for children that had various names based on the country where it was released.  This is a song that bottles sunshine, and should have been a juggernaut for Jepsen.  Luckily for fans, her next studio album is due in early 2018.

16. George Taylor – “I Hear Your Song, Sweetness” UK-based singer/songwriter George Taylor came out of nowhere in 2017 with this ode for other undiscovered artists.  For a guy who just released his debut album last year, he shows remarkably strong instincts on this track.  He knows when to dial back the production and when to complicate things.  Perhaps my favorite part of the song, though, is the lyrics; Taylor pierces through the aggressive initial production with his supportive, damn near inspirational theme for the up-and-coming musicians out there who feel like they aren’t even being heard.  The 24 year old grew up in Leicester before relocating to London, and claims he’s been writing songs since he was 13.   Clearly he has a natural talent, as the vacillation between isolated vocals on the verses and thundering, riotous choruses serves to make the song that much more dramatic.  It’s only a matter of time before we start seeing this song crop up in films and television, as it seems almost tailor-made for soundtracks.

15. Calvin Harris feat. Frank Ocean and Migos – “Slide” If I’m being completely honest, I first discovered this song on an HBO commercial for season two of Insecure (a personal favorite).  Regardless of one’s opinion on Calvin Harris, the main appeal for me was hearing Frank Ocean on such a radio-friendly single.  Ocean and Harris deftly make an entry to the recent genre of nu-disco, slyly combining hip-hop and dance music with a piano-driven song that may surprise the audience purely off of the talent roster.  Calvin Harris, Frank Ocean, and rappers Quavo and Offset from hip-hop trio Migos all come together despite their own distinctive discographies.  It’s expertly crafted, but let’s be honest here - the second that Ocean starts singing, he steals the track from everyone else involved.  If you’re looking for breezy, SoCal hip hop, this is for you, but that description seems almost limiting considering what was achieved here.  For those of us who are consistently looking for new Frank Ocean tracks, “Slide” is a pleasant surprise.

14. Electric Guest – “Oh Devil” LA-based duo Electric Guest - which becomes a full band on tour - had a relatively forgettable sophomore album last year.  The major standout for me, though, was this playful track that utilizes its electronic production to toy with the arrangement constantly throughout its three and a half minute running time.  Perhaps the most interesting fact about Electric Guest is that it’s forwarded by Asa Taccone, the younger brother of Jorma Taccone - famous for being a member of The Lonely Island, along with appearances on shows like Girls and Parks and Rec.  Asa helped compose a lot of the music for The Lonely Island, which led to Jorma putting him in touch with Brian Burton (otherwise known to the world as Danger Mouse).  Long story short, Taccone now works with Matthew Compton, who supplies drums for their work and met Taccone through Burton, to create songs under the name Electric Guest.  “Oh Devil” merges pop, electronic dance, and R&B with some clear Caribbean influences, as well.   There’s a lot to like here, and if all you’re looking for is an earworm that comes out of left field, then this song is the one for you.

13. SZA – “20 Something” Solána Rowe had an incredible 2017, and released one of the biggest debut albums of the entire year under her stage name SZA.  Given the success of “All the Stars,” her collaboration with Kendrick Lamar on the Black Panther soundtrack, it seems like 2018 is going to be a huge year, too. This success didn’t come overnight, though.  Rowe has been working her way up for years, slowly gaining influences as diverse as Rihanna, Björk, Miles Davis, and Animal Collective.  Her R&B has a stripped down quality, especially on album standout “20 Something;” there is a poignant simplicity on display that translates the anguish and anxiety of your 20s perfectly.  It becomes clear quickly that Rowe expects a certain level of self-reflection and commitment to growth from her audience.  As she notes in the lyrics, “Honesty hurts when you’re getting older.”  Perhaps my favorite touch doesn’t even come from SZA herself, but her mother, who is heard at the end of the track giving advice to her daughter.  Essentially, she says that one must commit to whatever feels true in life, because the alternative is a complete abyss.  I couldn’t agree more.

12. Litany – “Bedroom” I may have noted the Caribbean influences on “Oh Devil,” but you can practically smell the jerk spices on this gorgeous electronic track from English duo Litany.  Made up of Beth Cornell on vocals and Jake Nicolaides producing, the 23-year-olds from North Yorkshire have nailed the atmosphere on “Bedroom,” employing steel drums, synths, and a steady, consistent beat that buries itself inside your head for days to come.  As the track progresses, Nicolaides plays with the beat and the production more and more, adding percussive texture and - dare I even say it? - crunch to the arrangement.  Cornell’s vocals are ethereal, giving the song a hazy vibe, which add to the symbolic lyrics that seem to tie the titular bedroom to the paradise implied from the production. All of it combines to create an experience of escapism, fleeing the monotony of everyday life and conversations about the weather for the idyllic bedroom.  For such young artists with only a handful of releases under their belts, the production on “Bedroom” is stunning in its professionalism.

11. Bayonne – “Fallss” I know, I know... another electronic song. Another track that effortlessly builds with synths, drum loops, and vocals, and captures your attention almost immediately.  But with a song this strong, can you even blame me for including it?  Austin-based artist Bayonne (legal name Roger Sellers) insists he’s not a DJ.  He grew up obsessed with Eric Clapton and his guitar from the age of three on, and his first concert was Phil Collins at the ripe old age of nine.  Clearly he learned guitar and drums from two of the best musicians of the last half century, but I doubt you’ll hear their influences on “Fallss.”  Sellers isn’t a DJ, but he uses a lot of the same tools, including mixers, pedals, and keyboards, to create his massive pop tracks.  The sounds he’s working with here rise and evolve and build throughout the song, as the layers of synth and other sonic strands slowly weave together, worming their way into your head. Sellers spoke to the lyrical meaning of the song, noting that it came from the huge life transition of being in his late-20s and starting to transition to music as a full time career.  To quote him directly, “It's the bittersweet ride that comes with big changes in life.”  We’ve all been through it the past few years, and the last six months alone have included, personally, a new job and moving across the country.  Trust me, this song was keeping me company the entire time.