#I'M IN DENIAL LET ME HAVE THIS | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

deiaiko · 8 months

Text

#19.3 Unravel

It had been some time since Agni felt this nervous. Not even talking with Jinsung Ha recently had made him feel like this. He fiddled with the mask on his hand as he waited for Grace to come back. He had thought hard on how to deliver the news, but he knew that no matter how he phrased it, Grace would be upset. Velt nuzzled under his palm and Agni gave her a few pats, before deciding that she would be better inside her bowl in his lighthouse, just in case the shinsu acted up around Grace after he received the news.

Grace came back wearing the comfiest shirt and shorts Agni knew Grace liked to wear on lazy days. He joined him on the floor, and they ate dinner together. Agni always finished last, so while waiting for him to finish his meal, Grace told him about his day with Bam. Grace was intrigued by how much his way of thinking had changed, and how glad he was to be able to be by Bam's side when he was having a bad day. It reminded Agni of the hidden floor, when Grace faced his sworn enemy.

They left the used bowls on the coffee table and went to brush their teeth. Afterwards, they turned off the light and went upstairs to sit on their bed. Grace's curious gaze never left him, and Agni curled his feet nervously.

Grace was the one who broke the silence. "So…what is it?"

Agni's breath hitched. This was the part he dreaded most. "I talked with the crocodile earlier. Did you know that he could manipulate stone already?"

"Huh." Grace needed a few seconds to let the information sink in. "Didn't Rak learn it on the Hell train? How does he know it?"

"Turns out our crocodile also traveled back to the past like us. He found the young crocodile and taught him."

"What?!" Grace gasped, wide eyed. "That means our Rak is–!!"

"He's dead." Agni quickly snuffed out that hope. They had been in delusion for long enough; it was time that they faced the bitter truth. "He suffered a fatal injury from the explosion. He couldn't have lasted long without proper help." Agni omitted the actual cause for Rak's death, but still kept his words true. "I'm sorry."

"…Oh." Grace looked lost, just like Agni was. His lips parted a little, but they closed before any sound escaped.

Agni gently squeezed Grace's hand, encouraging and comforting as he let the silence stretch on, giving Grace some time to process the information.

"Agni…" Grace whispered, "do you think Hatz and Isu…?"

Agni bit his lip and avoided his gaze, as the nightmare of that day replayed in his mind. He witnessed Hatz get his arms ripped off when trying to protect him. He could still recall the clang of a sword hitting the floor, and Hatz's suppressed scream that gnawed deep at his guilt. He witnessed Isu get beheaded after being taken hostage, the memory of warm blood painting them both still vivid like it happened yesterday.

Agni refused to acknowledge their possible deaths, because it felt like a nightmare that one day he could hopefully wake up from. He avoided the topic when Grace brought it up, so he wouldn't have to say it aloud and make it real. He had been so hard on himself, because he couldn't get rid of the feeling that he had failed Grace and everyone else involved.

Agni knew this had to change if he wanted to live better, now that they had gotten a second chance. So he swallowed down the lump in his throat that had built up over the years and asked mostly to himself; "What are the odds of their survival?"

"There's always a chance–"

"Grace." Agni looked him straight in the eye. "They were already severely injured before the explosion hit."

Grace fell silent and went still.

Agni felt a pang of guilt upon witnessing Grace's reaction. "Sorry. I didn't mean to snap." Agni fiddled with his hands. He realized that he didn't know how much Grace knew of what happened. "My scar…do you know how I got it?"

"I…was told it was from the family heads' battle." Grace looked thoughtful. Agni knew he was trying to be careful with his words. "A stray attack?"

"It could have been worse." The memory of the scorching heat on his skin felt like it had only happened yesterday. He passed out right when he was about to heal Isu, and only found out later that he also lost sweetfish at that time. The days he spent recovering from the burn, to withstand the excruciating pain every second he was conscious, and finally coming to terms that it'd be a permanent scar, was one of the turning points that had changed him forever. Were Grace not there to care for him, he might have ended up destroying himself even more.

Agni hadn't realized he had his left hand clawing on his cheek until Grace pried his hand off and frowned, "You're doing it again."

"Maybe I should wear the mask…" Agni muttered to himself. After all, Grace gave it to him less so he could hide the scar but more to prevent him from unconsciously hurting himself. The only time he could safely take it off was when Grace was around.

Agni bit his lip nervously when Grace didn't reply. He no longer had the courage to look Grace in the eye that spoke so much concern, so he leaned close and rested his head on Grace's chest. "Rak, Isu, Hatz and Hwaryun were trying to get me out of that damned place. But we were caught while escaping, and…it was a bloodbath. I was…too occupied to react to the incoming heat. Rak shielded us from the explosion. And when I woke up…"

"They weren’t with you," Grace finished it for him after Agni trailed off a moment too long.

Agni nodded dazedly, "I've been telling myself that they're still alive, after a blow that could kill rankers. But…who am I kidding? I was lucky enough to survive with just this little–" Agni vaguely pointed to himself– "inconvenience."

Agni felt a hand gripping his arm, and he pulled away to see Grace looking at him with a pained expression. His eyes were glossy and his lips were pulled into a thin line. Trusting his instinct, Agni reached out to gently trace and cup Grace's cheek with his free hand.

"I'm sorry," Agni muttered. "I'm sorry, for not telling you sooner."

Agni silently witnessed tears that streamed down on his love's face. It was a bitter sight that Agni wished he'd never have to see again, that he had tried to avoid for so long by not telling him. He pulled Grace in and held him close to his chest, as if Agni was trying to gather his own crumbled heart back together.

Grace mumbled their late best friends' names as he held onto him tighter, shaking from each breath he took between sniffles.

Agni felt his own eyes sting with unshed tears. He remembered the years he spent climbing the tower together with his old team. Despite their banter being his source of headaches, Agni knew he too had come to acknowledge them as his cherished friends. Only when they were gone did Agni realize how much he'd miss having them around. Seeing the younger them didn't exactly close the gaping hole in his heart, but at least the emptiness was more filled.

Agni squeezed Grace tighter. "We have their younger selves with us now. We will protect them better this time."

Grace only nodded and sank further into his embrace. And Agni planted kisses on his hair, relishing the thought that after everything he had gone through, Grace was still a constant in his life. As long as he had him, everything would be okay.

When Grace started shaking again, Agni caressed his hair and hummed a comfort song they had known by heart. Still, it didn't make falling asleep any easier for Agni, especially not after admitting that his nightmare was very much real. However, as he had been through grief…this, too, would pass.

Masterlist

Let me know your thoughts in the reblogs <3

☕ Buy me coffee ☕

#Whee we get to know some of their past. Specifically their turning point #I hope it flows nicely because i have rewritten this like 3 times now 😭😭😭 dialogues are just not my specialty #like how to make them reveal such information without making them come out of the blue #writing style aside. let's talk about why Agni behaves this way #I will save the details on the what and how for the prologue. but basically Agni had been through hell that he couldn't escape alone #Rak Hatz and Isu saved him (or attempted to). and Agni owed them for saving his life. thus the strong attachment that Khun doesn't have #also let me mention that Agni had trouble differentiating between hallucination and reality after the incident. So he was kind of in denial #maybe Agni had come to a conclusion that they might be dead months after that. but he was too afraid to admit it to Grace #because he thought it was partly his fault for being incompetent. and Grace would hate him for letting their friends die #not wanting to risk being left by Grace. he just put himself (and inevitably Grace too) in the illusion of truth #that there's still a chance their friends are still alive because they have no proof of their deaths #so when Agni was offered to go back to the past. he agreed to it. Already expecting that Rak Hatz Isu aren't the same ones that he looks fo #but it was as good as he could get to redeem himself. Plus they get to meet everyone else who they couldn't save #Anyway. I'm taking hiatus until April. In return I will answer if you have any questions whether it is written in the tags or sent via ask #see ya folks <3 we'll get more brothers and team bonding when I return #tower of god #tog #two sides of the same coin fic #my fic #my art #bam #25th bam #jue viole grace #khun #khun aguero agnis #khunbam #shibisu #ship leesoo #rak wraithraiser #hatz

59 notes · View notes

cat-soda · 9 months

Text

is any piece of media really complete without a pair of twins that are actively being tormented by the narrative?

#paradox live #link click #tsubasa reservoir chronicles #tokyo babylon #evillious chronicles #CLAMP #disregarding that two of the projects pictured above are by CLAMP #summary by me #cozmez: KANATA WAS SO FAR IN DENIAL ABOUT NAYUTA'S DEATH THAT HIS ILLUSION INCL HIS DEAD FUCKING BROTHER.#GRANTED. NAYUTA'S A LITTLE LESS DEAD THAN WE WERE EXPECTING BUT THAT'S STILL FUCKING SAD.#li tianchen & li tianxi: these kids make me so sad. xixi i'm so sorry babygirl.#fai & yuui: LITERALLY NOT CURSED TWINS AND YET?????#hokuto & subaru: THE GUY HE LIKED BROKE HIS HEART THEN BROKE HIS ARM AND THEN ALSO KILLED HIS SISTER. WHAT THE FUCK.#rillian & allen: okay it's literally not her fault that she got possessed by pride SHE WAS LIKE. SIX.#also don't lie to me i know we all cried at the end of regret message okay. if we're reborn let's play together again headass.#i almost used a prsk screenshot for r&a... glad i didn't have to resort to such desperate measures......#pl

51 notes · View notes

monachopism · 5 months

Text

being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off

#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an #actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall #flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government #i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just #fucking let me burn #anyways #sorry #free palestine #any other #jumblr #girlies (gn) relating to my vent #bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people #and its such a fucking shitty feeling #like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center #like just say you hate jews and fuck off #i cant look at this shit anymore fuck #idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down #im so fucking tired #and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this #and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only #and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race #like there arent jews of every race #the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder #were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly #like fuck i just #dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target #idk what to do I'm just #desolate

9 notes · View notes

msnihilist · 6 months

Text

I just think that Timmy and Mr Crocker have one of the funniest protagonist/antagonist relationships ever. Mr Crocker knows that Timmy has fairies — it's not guess-work, he's literally seen them.

Which ordinarily would be a violation of the rules, but the dude is so fucking batshit that no one would ever believe him, resulting in this open-secret dynamic where Mr Crocker is obsessed with getting irrefutable evidence of this fact, but he literally never succeeds because even though he's going up against a ten-year-old, Timmy is a ten-year-old with magic, and Mr Crocker is about as subtle as an avalanche.

#fairly oddparents #sorry I'm forever obsessed with their dynamic in Wishology Part 2 #*timmy appears in his lab* *crocker screams* ''how did you get this squid past mother??''#''tell me you have fairies and we have a deal'' *deadpan* ''i have fairies.'' ''NO USE DENYING IT— oh that was anti climactic.''#''what's in it for me?'' ''i'll let you see my fairies.''#just timmy taking charge of the situation and deciding to stop with the usual farce of denial is really funny to me

17 notes · View notes

chirpsythismorning · 11 months

Text

☎️🎲 🤼‍♂️ ✈️🚪 ➡️ 🫀🎮⌛️

Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House

previous ⏪︎ now playing back to playlist

#byler #stranger things #bizarre love triangle playlist #mike wheeler #mike’s pov #this just feels like a really good song to end the playlist #it fits well with mike bc he just reassured will in the cabin that they would kill vecna together #and now they're standing here together #'there's a battle ahead. many battles are lost. but you'll never see the end of the road while you're traveling with me'#'now i'm walking again to the beat of the drum and i'm counting the steps to the door of your heart'#yeah idk about ya'll but i'll take a door/heart reference any day of the week #'only shadows ahead--get to know the feeling of liberation and release' aka shit is about to go down folks.......#'hey now hey now don't dream it's over'#sort of reassuring from a byler standpoint that although this ending might have felt hopeless in a lot of ways... like a lot.#mike is telling us through his actions as we near the end (reassuring will/choosing to stay by will's side): 'don't dream its over'#'they come they come to build a wall between us. we know they wont win'#this feels poetic bc a large chunk of the audience might still be in denial about the possiblity of mike and will even despite this shot #but the writers have made it clear with literally everything thats built up to this point that 'we wont let them win'#whether it be vecna or denyers #other lyrics in the song just fit really well with the overall ending of s4 in general #'there's a hole in the roof' was one that was a little too on the nose #'my possessions are causing me suspicions but there's no proof' reminds me of will telling mike he senses vecna again (superspy encore?)#'in the paper today tales of war and of waste-'#again trying to emulate going out on this sort of hopeful note with the doom of apocalypse right before us #4x09 #gif

13 notes · View notes

tortoise-teapot · 18 days

Text

i'm like a real good writer

#personal log #i needed to skip ahead and write some power couple ending scenes #need to know where i'm headed to get to where i need to go yknow #listen i am WRANGLING canon to make power couple ending both plausible and tasteful #this bad boy can fit like SO many trust issues #sigh. avery is going to have to burn every single bridge isn't he #gonna tear himself down. you can't save me from wallowing in the mud if i throw myself in the pit first #AVERY PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!!!!#been playing with he finds a way to be one of solas' Many Agents #then the reveal is just like. 'here's your report boss' '(that one meme of dwight theoffice being startled.png'#but like with way higher stakes it won't be THAT boring #like im p sure the Needed Thing is avery would have to BLATANTLY betray what's left of the inq #and part of the operation is in itself sacrificing that piece on the board as it were #sigh. maybe solas highly suspected but didn't let him think about it too hard because goddamn he NEEDED someone that deep in the IC for this #and we all know his denial game can be off the fucking charts #and then it's like #'WHO ELSE WOULD IT FUCKING BE???'#whatever man #this shit isn't even going to be properly drafted for like... years. if i even get that far #sigh. much to consider #if you're still reading this come get your card punched. turn in 10 to get me to shut the fuck up

3 notes · View notes

deadpuppetboi · 1 year

Text

Me, explaining how Manhunt 3 is a possibility and that it having blood/gore/murder aren’t valid excuses for it not being made today anymore:

#I'm being serious #look at me and tell me that horror games RIGHT NOW have a similar format #I'm looking at you Outlast Trials #it's a possibility guys come on it can work #I say in denial #I know the controversy but let's be honest ppl will ignore it and just play it as it is lmao #manhunt memes #manhunt 3 #rockstar #rockstar games

24 notes · View notes

nerdynikki94 · 1 year

Text

Honestly? Did I want more from DTAMHD? Yes, I did. I wanted something signifying actual progression for Dennis' character (even just a crumb of genuine growth) , and I sincerely don't think we got that. However... we did get a fascinating insight into the process of his mind. Dennis' level of self-denial is so ironic and profound. He can't acknowledge the inevitability that he's middle-aged.

(I swear this episode honestly has given me an alt hc, that the show is based in his mind; because logistically, a man of his lifestyle and malnourishment could not commit the feats he is constantly sailing through. TGGB & DTAMHD... back-to-back? What happened to his hand? Did he even sprain it? Or is he just the most dramatic brat in the gang - clearly the latter.)

It is important to note that he didn’t fix the actual problem. He momentarily masked the symptoms, but ignore long-term help with blood pressure medicine is not going to fix the issue, nor is it going to protect him from fucking keeling over in a stressful situation (when he's not in a contained and quiet Doctor's exam room) and his blood pressure spikes.

I'm honestly a little jaded at this point (16 Fucking Seasons of crumbs, y'all), but if one were to continue 'trusting the structure' this episode conveyed a lot.

The B Plot: The pressure cooker. The metaphor parallels the building pressure Dennis quick-tempered bouts of rage. So, to toss out a little 'cat-in-the-wall' conjecture here: The pressure cooker is Dennis, but we all saw him eat that bloody diamond in the end and we all heard Mac's speech about coal turning into diamonds under massive pressure. Dennis' experience is a theory of pressure, he daydreams it all in the span of a minute or so. He's roleplaying with hypothetical obstacles. There's no risk. Maybe Dennis, isn't the pressure cooker, but the coal.

If I were to try and take anything hopeful out of this episode, it would be the way the narrative is showing us that this episode acknowledged that Dennis isn't ready yet. It's not his turn to break. It's going to take real, substantial pressure to get that diamond.

It was a hell of a misdirect (and honestly a little bit of a slap in the face), but if these characters live in the real world, where people are bound by the laws of mortality, then Dennis should have his time.

Genuinely, who fucking knows?

I'm not hating on the episode. We all know this is the trashy dick joke sitcom. I just thought that if Mac & Charlie could have moments of genuine heartbreak, culminating in deep catharsis, that maybe Dennis could have that too.... but no.

Can't wait to see the sunny dudebros miss the point & proclaim Dennis Reynolds - SA victim, traumatized individual with an emotionally tumultuous personality disorder - the new Andrew Tate.

I'm sorry, but yeah. I'm a little miffed. It was all a dream, and everything goes Dennis' way. Y'all I'm fucking tired. This was a great episode for Glenn, but a fucking frustrating episode for Dennis. I may have wanted a little macden, but all I cared about was seeing Dennis face the limitations of his mortality, to see that he's failing his body and his brain. He didn't have to actually take the medicine (I wouldn't expect him to), but Goddammit, everything seems to work out in his delusional favor. So, of course he's going to continue being delusional, and probably only change for the worse.

I'll say it: I wanted a broken Dennis, and we did not get that. He didn't even crack, the unbearble and apparently now canonical Golden God. That episode's title was intended to tease sunnyblr.

Excuse the plethora of tags. I just kept getting more irritated.

#what i take from the episode is further insight to the lengths of Dennis' repression which adds to my fic #iasip s16 #i will say this: i can't dislike this episode solely because of how phenomenal glennjamin's performance was.#I'd say I'm retracting the title of macden 'truther'. I'm still a stan. but this ep made me realize dennis is too coddled by the narrative #with TGGB he's constantly winning. even the game he doesn't stay to watch the end of. his body performing near miracles. wtf #the real reason I'm seriously bothered is the sunny dudebros. they already idolize dennis #this ep has only made it worse because the obvious point of Dennis' actual delusions will go right over their heads.#anybody with a grounded sense of reality can tell you that dennis did not solve a problem #he dreamt up a scenario in some kind of toxic meditation session. he's getting older. and his denial is metastasizing #Dennis' denial isn't sustainable. I'm kind of cutting off my investment in that regard. he's a fucking mess & he's currently being idolized #dennis reynolds #definitely not my favorite episode. not bc of lack of macden. a little bc Den needs limitations. mainly bc 'it was all a dream' is cheap #ranting.excuse me for wanting 1 of my fave characts actually have his poor health.self-destructive coping mechanism/trauma acknowledged #can't believe i was actually afraid i wouldn't be able to write because too much might happen in DTAMHD...! 🤣#it should've all happened. but instead ended w/him getting charges pressed when he tried to break into ceo's home #ngl. this one hurt. I'm ready for Mac to give up on Dennis. i just wish this fucking show would let him.#excuse me while i go bawl like a baby watching MFHP. because I'm heartbroken that Dennis' BPD makes him push Mac away.#let's just say that realization has been bogging me down in my personal life the last couple of days. & this bummed me out.#Robert McElhenney. I'm outside the studio screaming at you to just let Mac move on & actually meet someone!#I'm not saying he deserves a relationship. but fuck... after 40 yrs of repression can he at least have a fling & fall out of love w/Den?#Dennis won't ever let him meet someone. & he'll never treat Mac like he actually cares about him.bc his own vulnerability terrifies him.😭

14 notes · View notes

violettierre · 5 months

Text

I : majored in english, has a masters degree in it, studying philosophy, and have been an English teacher/Junior translator for almost a decade now.

My grandma : there is our future doctor <3

#i still to this day don't know if she's in denial or thinks what i'm doing is a hobby #it gets funnier every time #especially today #i was like 'mimma i just came back from work i'm so tired' and she was like 'i make food right now for our future doctor'#like ???????#grandma i love your food pls don't give it to someone else #who doctor ? doctor who ?#me ??????#that is so NOT my career #my already existing one that i fought my entire bloodline for put aside #i can never be a good doctor let alone willingly choose it #1) i suck at biology and science and those pure memorization shit #2) i'm really sensitive to blood or injuries i might faint at just the mention of certain stuff (surgeries are crossed off i would DIE)#3) it's just not meant to be and that's okay #as a society we can't survive with one or two careers all of them are important in their own way #an exercise i would usually tell my students to do at this topic #is everytime you feel like someone's job is useless to close your eyes and imagine a world without it #if i managed to convince them hurray to them #if i didn't i ask them to imagine someone they care for work hard then get told their job is useless #(that on usually does the trick)#the thing is even if you're stuck with a job you hate or can't find a better one #there's still some impotance to that job in a way like they offer service or blah blah #yet it will suffocate you because it's not the career you were meant to have #that summed up means the work environment/pressure/nature are what we really define as useless because they can be unfair #but not the work itself #when we delete those previous stuff off the definition all careers are equally important #i hope i was clear #and i also hope my grandma remembers that too #story time

2 notes · View notes

risingsunresistance · 2 years

Text

wow i lost followers FAST, was it for being a deo enjoyer or because i changed my url

#''i wanna check one more thing before i go to bed'' *clicks blog tab* ''wait HOW MANY???''#jhdkjfjd #doing what makes me happy instead of continuing to let myself be sad for the sake of keeping my tumblr friends pleased #screw that i talk about mcyt on my own terms now. otherwise it's just hypixel and whatever else i feel like yelling about 👍#which i have said. SO MANY TIMES. but the url change really makes it ya know #i feel better about it #and i guess ppl are finally taking a hint. i am being serious when i say i'm not posting abt techno as much nowadays #it's too hard sorry idk what else to tell you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#go find someone who can deal with it better. im still halfway stuck in denial *]=+%*=]*]*{=#chat #goodnight again o/

20 notes · View notes

sergeantjessi · 6 months

Text

#i know it's just been a little over a month since the whole w*lb*r thing came out & i can take all the time i need to grief the cc i lost.#but i wish it happened faster. bc i'm still stuck in this limbo between 'he's terrible & i can't support him' and 'but his music is still -#- so dear to my heart'. and i wish i could just finally completely drop him.#i haven't yet found the strength to remove all of his (& lvjys) music from my playlists. i usually skip the songs -#- bc listening to them doesn't feel good. but there's still some comfort to them. even to songs that aren't his.#'candy' is one of THE comfort covers for me. i've cried to his version so many times. i've found comfort in it so many times.#i even learned to play it myself. it's one of my favourite songs to play on guitar.#and despite not having listening to his cover since the allegations. i still hear him say 'we love these cowboy chords boys' at the start.#and there is still something soothing about his voice.#i think part of me just wants to be in denial. part of me refuses to accept that i've lost such a big source of comfort and solace.#i don't want to support him. i want to drop him and forget about his existence and i hope all his victims can heal from his abuse.#and i can't wait until the last part of me is ready to finally let go. i think i'm getting there. it just feels painfully slow.#xxx.

2 notes · View notes

thethingything · 6 months

Text

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #emetophobia tw #vent post #<- I guess? I mean it kinda sucks but I'm not that upset about it right now #anyway this is partly from the Cotard's delusion and partly because we also get delusions involving being parasitised #I think they're kind of linked together for us. like there's a similar vibe to them somehow #anyway the Cotard's delusion is like... it flares up every so often and gets really intense #but otherwise it's mostly just there in the background as like ''yeah that's a thing we experience'' but not affecting us that much #it's hard to explain how we usually feel about it when it's not flaring up really intensely #but at the moment it is flaring up so it's like... okay I guess this is what we're doing for the foreseeable future #idk we might just wake up later and be like ''oh never mind'' or it might flare up for a few weeks or whatever #also talking about this is wild because like I've definitely mentioned us having it but I'm still aware that everything says it's super rar #even though we've met multiple other people who have it and we had it for years without knowing it had a name or anything #but I'm still paranoid about getting fakeclaimed because people like to be like ''that's so rare. there's no way you can have that''#like idk what to tell you buddy my brain is convinced that I'm dead and that my organs are decomposing. I'm not happy about it either #being able to double-bookkeep and know we're experiencing a delusion also makes it weirder #because it's like yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and is technically impossible but my brain has decided that none of that matters #and me being like ''well that can't be true'' feels like being in denial so even though I know it's a delusion #a lot of the time it's easier to just lean into it and go ''okay sure I guess I'm dead. who gives a shit''#anyway let's see how I end up feeling after talking about this because either I'll post it and be like ''yeah this is fine''#or I'll get paranoid about being fakeclaimed or people being like ''what the actual fuck'' and end up deleting it

5 notes · View notes

tonyglowheart · 7 months

Text

reading thru old meta posts on qian qiu and there's like, some stuff I agree with sure but there's also a lot I don't lol. w like yan wushi especially. there's a lot of. I think too much conventional-mindedness in approaching yws even from the ppl who did like him as a character. saying he's a difficult character, and is meant to be a difficult character, but then still framing him along more conventional moral frameworks. yet another apartment 'complex'? strange, I find it quite simple moments.

#qian qiu #yan wushi #sorry so many of you are still hung up over the *chapter 45* '''''betrayal''''' rip but i'm different #(though I wonder if I'd feel this way if ppl hadn't made such a big deal of it and so I was expecting The Betrayal to be like. worse lol)#like for me since I was expecting *a* betrayal when I hit it in chap 45 I was like. this is it? lmao I thought it was sth actually serious #and then ppl like I can't let it go or I can't get over him saying he doesn't regret it - like god forbid women do anything forreal #the thing about yan wushi is he is not just master-less he's also in many ways *peer*-less #and that's why to him he was so much on the 'what a shame you're like the one guy who maybe could have been my rival but you're not'#I think ppl see rival as like. could be my enemy. but it's like. someone has to be your peer to be your rival #and it's very much established that yan wushi even before his power level is like maxed up has this wild potential #there's that chap where sq reflects on what qfg said abt yws having the potential to be better than him #but also I think it's a huge mistake to see/think of yws as amoral #he HAS morals. they're just not the same as yours #he doesn't care about the greater good as a rule but he's also not completely indifferent to it #and like. I think it's also a simplification to say that 'sq breaks the rules of yws's world of human nature being inherently corrupt etc'#I think that's a belief that yws holds about human nature but I think he's also like. smarter than to believe in absolutes?#and besides. to say it that way I think frames it as if yws is in denial about sq's existence and nature #I just don't get that sense from him - imo he sees sq as more of a curiosity than a like aberration #he's testing sq's bottom line not necessarily bc he's convinced sq is secretly evil but he because he wants to see what sq's bottom line is #and he wants to know that because sq's nature is so different than his own or those he generally encounters and understands from people #he's squishing sq like a dog with a chew toy not because he wants to destroy it but because he wants to see exactly what kind of noises #he can get out of it and exactly how far he can squish it before it starts being too much #(but also I think bc he sees sq's potential to be on his level and wants to see if that can get teased out)#in a like... bonsai shaping kind of way #yes he's pruning the tree back and sometimes pruning & shaping quite hard #but as with the art of bonsai - it's an interactive dance and like only the tree can add material #and for all that you can prune & shape the tree you will never know exactly what the tree will do #SQ is also like a tree in the sense that like you have to prune to get read of dead growth & also encourage new growth #and SQ goes from that like houseplant side of the meme that's like i'm allergic to tapwater #to flourishing under the adversity and the 'i can eat thru concrete'

5 notes · View notes

softquietsteadylove · 2 years

Note

For the thenamesh bodyguard AU.

Thena is invited to an very important event with other artist and decides to take her bodyguard Gil as her plus one. Both of them looking absolutely stunning (you can make matching colors or something). 2 Guys are flirting with er shamelessly and making her quite uncomfortable. Gil is protecting her and keeps her close. Sweet and soft moments between them!

Would be awesome:)

"Athena, who are you with tonight?"

Thena ignored the various questions screamed at her - and the rest of those on the red carpet - by the crowd of spectators and reporters. She held the skirt of her dress in one hand with the other looped so she could hold onto the inside of Gil's elbow.

Gil was looking everywhere, eyeing people passing by them, taking careful steps, frowning despite the incessant shouts for him to smile. He wasn't used to attending these things as a guest and not specifically as security.

But Thena had asked him to escort her as her date instead of as her bodyguard, and how could he say no to that? They both knew he wasn't going to.

"Athena, you previously said you didn't see the need for dates to events!--are you recanting that statement?"

"Athena, why the switch from bodyguard to plus-one?"

"Athena, are you officially on the market?"

Gil rolled his eyes at the questions. He didn't have to pretend to be pleasant with the paparazzi. He didn't have a professional reputation to uphold.

Thena laughed beside him, leaning her head down so her lips wouldn't get read by the crowd. "You would think that you attending with me would mean I'm not available."

"You'd think," Gil huffed, moving his arm to wrap around her side as the red carpet came to halt. Too many in front of them were stopping for pictures, forcing everyone behind them to do so as well.

Thena posed in the ways she had been taught, angling herself, tilting her head up, holding her hand flat to show off the jewellery that had been chosen for her. But she wasn't looking at the cameras.

Gil looked over, catching her looking at him. He chuckled, "what?"

"Nothing," she denied, not that it did anything to convince him. She joined him in the light laughter, "you look good."

Gil tugged at the fancy white suit that had been picked for him to match Thena's flowing white gown. "Kingo knows what he's doing, I'll give him that."

Thena looked around them, although it would look like she was looking at maybe a few of the cameras snapping at them. "I see a certain someone isn't in attendance."

"His official reason is that he's touring," Gil muttered to her. "Although...part of our agreement with his management may have been...that he's not allowed within a certain distance of you unless it's for a contracted appearance."

Thena shook her head, though, raising her brows at him. "I think he's just nervous about facing you for the first time since you gave him a proper thrashing."

"As he should be," Gil shrugged. If that sleazy head of hair felt wary of him then he was happy to let him, so long as it meant that he would give Thena some space.

"Athena!"

Gil felt immediately how Thena pressed closer to him. His hold on her tightened reflexively, as if by instinct. He recognised the two coming towards them as entertainment reporters. One of them was fine, but the other could be a little...forward.

"Athena, you look stunning, as always. And who is this with you?"

"This is Gil," she introduced simply, but with a dazzling smile. Gil was all she needed to say--no addendum or descriptions necessary.

"Now this," the forward one gasped, grinning at them both, "is a man's man. Is he here as security?--and can I borrow him for myself?"

Gil remained blank faced through the polite - painfully fake - laughter at the terrible joke.

But Thena ran her hand down the front of his suit jacket lapel, even dipping her fingers inside of it. "I'm afraid not, boys. Gil is mine quite literally, tonight."

"And on that note," Gil finally spoke up, fishing her hand out of his jacket from his chest, just to pull it up to his lips. "We should keep it moving."

The reporters were left in the lurch, looking at each other at the abandonment of their interview with one of the biggest names present that night.

Gil didn't care that he was interrupting them. He looked at Thena as he guided them along, "you didn't want to talk to them anyway, did you?"

"How could you tell?" she purred, letting out a velvety laugh as he guided her by the waist into the safety of the theatre and away from the buzzards and their cameras and microphones. "See?--I told you there could be no one better to bring with me tonight."

Gil undid his suit jacket now that they were no long being photographed incessantly. He felt like he could breathe again.

Thena's eyes dashed down as he undid a few shirt buttons, too. He really didn't like having to wear anything too tight around his neck.

"I just know you the best," he smiled at her. He held out his arm again, but Thena moved around it, settling herself against his side. And who was he to argue with the Goddess Athena and what she wanted?

18 notes · View notes