#I'll get what I'm missing on tuesday or thursday at most

[hms-tardimpala]

I GOT MY BOOKBINDING GEAR BACK

We're back in business, boys!

[kiarastromboli]

𝐁𝐞𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧:

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧.

𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭 𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐱 𝐲/𝐧

⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱

⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱

𝕄𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘: Masturbation, smoker!reader.

𝕊𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕪: Matt's life is going to be completely upheaved by an encounter he will have one day at work, leading him to discover a new feeling: obsession.

ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕖: I'm glad to come back with this new series that I had in mind for a while. I hope you'll enjoy it. The first chapter is from Matt's point of view, but it's possible that in the days to come, the point of view will shift to that of the reader. Anyway, I'll inform you beforehand. Feel free to ask me in the comments if you want to be part of the taglist. Enjoy reading!

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐, 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐫𝐞 𝟑

⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱✮♱⋆♱

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏:

My life has always been a damn bottomless pit without interest. I grew up in a normal family, in a normal town surrounded by normal people; there was nothing special about me.

I've always had this feeling of discomfort, like something was missing from my life.

In high school, I tried to fill that void with sports like any other teenager, but nothing worked.

I was fortunate to be a triplet, so I started life with people to love and who loved me in return.

Naturally, people think that having siblings erases the loneliness of life, but it's false. I had my brothers, but I still felt that emptiness and loneliness.

As I grew older, I realized that I would never fill this void, that I was destined to have an uninteresting life and become Mr. Average.

I moved to New York, where I found a job in a bookstore, which seemed more than logical given my passion for books.

I lived five minutes away from my brother Chris, and Nick, my other brother, continued his studies in Boston.

My weeks repeated and resembled each other.

I worked on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. On Wednesday, I spent the day with Chris; most of the time, we just went out to eat and stroll. As for Sunday, I dedicated it to my motorcycle rides and various hobbies.

By various hobbies, I mean fleeting activities that I forced myself to practice to keep me from losing my mind from living the same days on repeat.

But all of that was before her.

When I saw her for the first time, I felt like I was waking up after an endless sleep.

It was a Thursday evening, we were about to close, I just had to put away the last books we had received, and I could finally close the shop and go home.

That was until I heard the sound of the little bells at the entrance jingling as the door opened.

I sighed when I heard the door open, thinking, 'Another bookworm waiting until the last moment to come get their fill of books.'

I went back to the counter to wait for the person who was there to bring me their book so I could quickly scan it and finally go home.

I honestly expected a student with glasses or some nonsense like that, so I was surprised to see this brown-haired girl a few meters away from me, browsing the shelves to find what she wanted.

I'm not the type to linger on pretty girls, but she had something extra.

She was wearing this navy blue sweater three sizes too big for her, which forced her to roll up her sleeves, and you could see the collar of her white shirt peeking out underneath.

With that, she wore a small brown pleated skirt that matched the bow she had in her hair.

An outfit that said a lot and so little at the same time.

I'm the type to analyze people on a daily basis; it's my thing when you work in a bookstore like this one in New York, you get bored very quickly.

I had a little game with myself where I enjoyed deciphering the people who entered this shop, first by their way of dressing, then by their mannerisms, and finally, I drew a conclusion based on the book they bought.

However, I was stuck on her way of dressing; I couldn't really figure it out. Her outfit was simple and casual, sure, but there was this complexity with her accessories that made me wonder if she did it on purpose or if she just randomly picked out clothes.

I mean, who pairs such a large sweater with such a small skirt? Maybe it's her boyfriend's sweater?

When I thought that, I felt anger rising within me, but why? I don't even know her; what does it matter to me whether she has a boyfriend or not?

I shook my head to try to think of something else and continued to observe her.

She had been wandering around the store for five minutes, stopping at each aisle without ever grabbing a book. Does she even read, or did she just come here thinking she'd find a fun book to read for once?

Even her behavior was indecipherable; the more I looked at her, the more intrigued I became.

She finally stopped at the romance section, where she picked up a book before walking towards me with a big smile.

Strangely, I felt a certain stress when her eyes landed on me; I hadn't realized how harmonious her face was.

"Good evening," she said warmly, placing the book in front of me.

"Good evening," I replied nervously.

"I hope I'm not bothering you by coming at this hour. I'm new in town, and I thought you closed later," she said politely.

"No worries; I didn't have anything planned after anyway," I replied without looking at her; I was far too intimidated for that.

I scanned her book, and of course, that's when the cash register decided not to work properly, leaving us face to face in an awkward silence while I tried to open the register.

She seemed amused, judging by the little chuckle she let out, and when I looked up at her, she simply said, "Sorry," timidly, unable to suppress the little smile on her lips.

I finally managed to unlock the cash register, then gave her the change and reached for a small bag to put her purchase in.

That's when I saw the book she had chosen.

"Pride and Prejudice, good choice," I said without thinking too much.

"I know, I've read it already," she said, chuckling, and I looked up at her to watch her.

"It's a gift," she added.

"For your boyfriend?" I said again without thinking, and this time I quickly added, "Sorry, that was very intrusive of me."

She looked at me with a smile before saying, "For a friend, I don't have a boyfriend."

"Good to know," I replied, handing her the book.

She took the bag with her book inside and turned to start walking towards the exit, and I was dying to catch up with her to continue talking, but I stood there frozen like an idiot.

She walked through the door, and I sighed.

My heart started beating normally again, and I felt a sense of longing in her absence.

My life, which until now had been flat and uninteresting, was unknowingly taking a whole new turn.

I finished tidying up the bookstore, trying to distract myself, but she continued to haunt my thoughts.

I kept asking myself hundreds and thousands of questions.

Will I see her again? What did she think of me? What's her name? What does she do for a living?

Fuck, what had she done to me? I thought as I pushed the door of the store to leave and locked it behind me.

Unintentionally, the key to my apartment detached from the keychain around my waist, and I hadn't noticed until a familiar voice informed me.

"Hey, you dropped this!" the girl from the bookstore said, catching my attention and tapping my shoulder.

I turned around and felt my heart race again when I found myself face to face with her; if she keeps this up, she'll give me a heart attack.

"Thanks," I said, taking my keys from her hand.

Unintentionally, my eyes roamed over her body, analyzing her.

I noticed the butt of a cigarette she held in her other hand, probably the reason she was still around.

"No problem," she said, smiling.

"Can I ask your name, if it's not too forward?" I asked, curious.

"Y/n," she said, extending her hand after finishing her cigarette and tossing it to the ground to crush it with her foot.

"I'm—" I started to say before she cut me off.

"Matt, yeah, I know," she said quickly, and I looked at her confused.

She knows my name?

"Oh, um, it was on your apron earlier, I promise I'm not a weirdo," she said, chuckling, and I chuckled too.

She seems observant too, interesting.

"You don't really seem like a weirdo, if that reassures you," I said, smiling.

"And you don't seem like a guy who reads romance novels; I guess we can all be surprising, maybe you should watch out," she said, shrugging with a smirk.

"Pride and Prejudice is a classic; I work in a bookstore, I have to know my classics," I replied.

"Fair enough," she said, smiling.

A moment of silence ensued, leaving us there in the middle of the street, staring into each other's eyes.

"Are you just passing through here?" I asked, to break the unbearable silence.

"Hm?" she simply hummed, confused.

"You said you were new here earlier," I clarified.

"Oh, um, no, let's just say I'm in the process of settling in," she said, nodding.

"Great, I hope to see you around here then," I said, smiling.

"There's a chance that could happen; this bookstore seems nice, and who knows, maybe I'll need a friend who knows their stuff to advise me," she said, smiling back.

"You already consider me your friend? Wasn't it you who said I should watch out?" I teased her.

"Oh, because you thought I was talking about you? No way, I was talking about my friend who works at the same bookstore as you!" she said, trying to justify herself.

"Oh, really? I probably know that friend then," I said with a smirk.

"Okay, you got me; I'm a big liar," she said, raising her hands, and I laughed.

"I already suspected that," I said, chuckling.

We stayed silent once again, staring into each other's eyes before she spoke again.

"Well, I have to go if I want to have a chance to catch a taxi before it's too late," she said, playing with the ends of her hair.

"I can drop you off if you live nearby," I offered.

"Whether by car or taxi, the journey is still long in the streets of New York, and I don't want to bother you with an extra 20-minute ride," she said timidly.

"I guess it's a good thing I have a motorcycle then," I said, pointing to my bike parked a few steps away.

"I don't know... um," she said, shaking her head hesitantly.

"If you don't trust me and prefer to go by taxi, I totally understand, I won't hold it against you," I said reassuringly.

"You know what? Fuck this; a little danger never hurt anyone, and anyways, if you try to kidnap me, know that I did boxing in middle school, so I won't go down without a fight," she said, pointing her finger at me, and I laughed.

"Alright, Mike Tyson, let me just grab my spare helmet from the bookstore," I said, chuckling before doing just that.

When I returned, I handed her the helmet, which she put on.

She got on behind me after indicating where she lived, and we hit the road directly.

We weaved through traffic, and I could feel her little arms tighten around my waist with each acceleration.

I couldn't help but slightly harden beneath my jeans because of the proximity between us; I could feel her chest pressing against my back.

This girl had something that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when I looked at her.

She smelled like vanilla and cigarettes.

She was destabilizing, and I felt like I was losing my balance with every word she uttered.

Once we arrived at her destination, I stopped my motorcycle in front of her apartment complex.

It was large and luxurious.

I wondered if she was a daddy's girl to live here, or if she simply had a good job. In either case, this girl clearly wasn't short on money.

"Thanks for the ride," she said, smiling, after taking off her helmet to hand it back to me.

"It was my pleasure," I said, removing my helmet and staying on the bike while she got off.

"That was really nice; I'm glad I made a new friend," she said, quickly fixing her hair.

"So, we're friends?" I said, smiling.

"Of course," she replied, smiling back.

"Great," I said timidly, and a new silence fell.

"Um, I'm going to head in; it's getting late. Good night, Matt," she said this time in a much softer voice.

Why the sudden change in tone?

"Good night, Y/n," I replied, and she turned to walk towards her apartment complex.

I couldn't help but watch her as she went inside. I should have immediately started my bike and left, but I was stuck in place.

She paused in front of her stairs for a moment before suddenly turning around and running back towards me.

I watched her return, a little confused, and when she reached me, she simply said, "Hi."

"Hi," I replied, a bit confused but smiling.

"Is it weird if I suggest we see each other again? It's a friendly offer, of course; you just seem really interesting, and I felt silly leaving like that without suggesting we meet again," she said quickly, and I chuckled at her tone.

"Of course. I finish early on Saturdays; just drop by the bookstore, and we'll go for another motorcycle ride if you want," I said, smiling.

"Sounds great!" she exclaimed excitedly.

"Well, goodbye for real this time," she said, chuckling.

"Bye," I replied, watching her leave before putting my helmet back on and heading home on my motorcycle.

On the journey back, I had only one thing on my mind: her.

Arriving home, I was surprised to find that my erection hadn't subsided.

How could this girl make me so hard without even touching me?

I felt bad for getting hard like this over a girl who seemed as innocent as her. What was wrong with me that I'd do something like this?

I sighed and slumped onto my couch.

I took off my pants and slid my hand under my boxers to touch the bulge there.

I started to stroke myself, unable to stop myself from thinking about her at that moment.

Her sparkling eyes, her long brown hair, her full lips that I was dying to kiss...

Why was she affecting me like this?

Her curves vaguely hidden by her oversized sweater, her legs, and especially her thighs that looked nice and soft.

"Oh my god," I muttered in a low voice, speeding up my movements and throwing my head back.

Her laughter and her voice, yes, her soft and slightly husky voice, almost like she was sick.

I edged dangerously close to the edge, and that's when I remembered her change in tone when she said, "Um, I'm going to head in; it's getting late. Good night, Matt," almost as if she was inviting me to follow her home and do all the things I was dying to do to her.

Maybe she was just as eager as I was. For my hands on her body, my lips on hers, and my name coming out of her mouth.

I thought about what she would look like sitting on me without her clothes, screaming my name, and it pushed me over the edge.

"Y/n," I moaned before climaxing.

I can't deny it any longer, this girl is clearly becoming my obsession.

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Taglist: @mayhem-72 @tillies33ssss @junnniiieee07 @bernardenjoyer @whicked-hazlatwhore @nicksmainbitch

[natashaslittlegirl]

Romanoff's Assistant - Intoxicating

DO NOT COPY ANY OF MY WORK. MINORS DNI +18 ONLY.

Summary: you discovered Miss Maximoff's interest in you.

Boss ! Natasha Romanoff x Assistant ! Reader

Warnings: none

Natasha Romanoff's Masterlist RA Masterlist RA account Chapter IV aesthetic

Saturdays are quiet days at the office, or so it seems on your first Saturday at work. Miss Romanoff left the list of investors on your desk so you could start schedule the meetings for next week. Reviewing the names you find Wanda Maximoff, apparently your technique worked. You hope Miss Romanoff is happy. Wanda was one of those who donated and invested the most.

You walk over to Natasha's office, knocking twice to get in, waiting patiently as you hear her talking on the phone and hear her say something about you.

"You're not going out with my assistant, you're going to work with her too," who would want to go out with you? "No, I already told you no, I have to go, she is waiting at the door." and with that you hear a 'come in' to pass.

"Miss Romanoff, I'm sorry to interrupt you," you walk into her office closing the door behind you and walking over to her desk. "I wanted to know if I have to cancel all your appointments for next week to schedule the meetings with investors or do I try to accommodate both things in the agenda?"

"Don't worry, I was just talking to Wanda," so Miss Maximoff is the person who wants to go out with you, interesting "try to schedule both things on the agenda, if you see that it's too much you can pass some meetings of the investors who have less invested for the other week, understood?"

"Yes, Miss Romanoff. Miss Maximoff is the person who invested the most here, do you prefer that I call her for the first meeting?"

"Yes, and thank you."

"Thank you for what, Miss Romanoff?

"Because you convinced her, Wanda is a very difficult person to convince, I tried everything and you convinced her in one night, I see that you did your job perfectly."

"Thank you, Miss Romanoff. Do you need anything else?"

"Yes, I need more coffee please." she says holding the bridge of her nose.

"I'll be right back, Miss Romanoff."

You turn to walk out the door but every step you take you can feel Miss Romanoff's intense gaze behind you, it only stops once you close the door, you sigh and go to your wallet to take the company's card. You arrive at the cafeteria where Kate has your coffees ready. You sent her a message while you were in the elevator, advantages of being friends with a barista.

"Hello again, my beautiful barista."YouI greet her and she winks at you.

"Hello, my favorite customer, coffee again?" She passes you the drnks and you pass her the card.

"Yes, I have so much to tell you, when I get off work at noon I'll come so we can have lunch together."

"Okay, I'll wait for you to tell me all the gossip." she laughed and you walked back to the building. Once on the 27th floor, you hand Miss Romanoff her coffee and head back to your desk. You start moving her patients appointments as you also call investors, save the best for last, Miss Maximoff. You dial the number on the phone and wait for her to answer.

"Yes?" she says from the other side of the line with her angelic voice.

"Miss Maximoff? This is Y/N Y/L/N from Romanoff's company."

"Oh! Y/N dear, yes, what do you need?"

"We should set up day and hour for next week for a meeting with Miss Romanoff, if that's okay with you, or we can do it when you want." You hear a giggle.

"Can it be Monday at 2pm?"

"Of course, Miss Maximoff."

"Perfect, see you Monday, darling." you can't with that nickname.

"See you later, Miss Maximoff." You hang up the phone and write down the meeting in the agenda, you go back to Natasha's office to inform her how her next week turned out.

"Monday 2pm meeting with Miss Maximoff, Tuesday 5pm with Mr Banner and Miss Walters, Wednesday 10am with Mr Danvers and Thursday 4pm with Miss Larson. That would be it, Miss Romanoff." you leave the foil with everything written down on top of her desk for her to grab it.

"Thanks Y/N, everything is very well organized. I need you to prepare five folders with all the company information and the actions that are left for each of the meetings and one for us, is that clear?" She puts down the foil again and stares at you up and down, stopping her gaze on your legs, which are crossed and exposed, since today you are wearing a pencil skirt.

You clear my throat. "Yes, Miss Romanoff." you get up from the chair and head towards your office.

The rest of the morning passes quietly and suddenly it's time to go. You grab your stuff and head out to the cafe again. When Kate sees you arrive she tells you to wait for the last customers to leave so she can close the shop. Once closed, you both go out and go to the same Italian restaurant the other day, they have delicious food. You sit at that table by the window and as you wait for our food you start to tell Kate everything, from James dropping you off at the event to him dropping you off at your apartment again.

"Oh my god, Y/N, you were lucky that other people didn't recognize you, well didn't try to talk to you at least."

"yeah, that was the only thing I could think!"

"So, Miss Maximoff, huh? What happened to your crush on Natasha?"

"Natasha will never notice me." It wasn't something that worried you either, you was there to work, not to find a partner. Or that's what you tried to convince yourself to.

The waiter interrupts your conversation to bring the dishes, you ordered a chicken with mushroom sauce and puree, Kate ordered a vegetarian lasagna and white wine for both of you.

"Also, today I heard Miss Romanoff talking on the phone, she said 'you're not going out with my assistant, you're going to work with her too' and then she excused herself saying that I was waiting for her at the door and she hang up."

"And what does that have to do with Maximoff?" she said as she popped a piece of food into her mouth.

"Wait, that's where I'm going! It was Wanda who was talking to Miss Romanoff on the phone." Kate was taking a sip of her wine when you told her this and she spit it all out. "Kate! You're making us embarrassed"

"Sorry, I just didn't expect that, Y/N/N. Oh my god you have to use this to your advantage and I'm going to help you."

"And what could I get out of this?" You continue eating while Kate explains to you that you can use Wanda's interest in you to bring out Natasha's interest in you as well. "Kate, you're crazy, Natasha has no interest in me, I already told you!"

"She does, and she showed it when she saw you talking to that waitress, what was her name, Kira?"

"Kara, and no, Natasha showed nothing but anger at me being distracted instead of doing my job."

"Say what you want, but she was jealous and I'll prove my point to you if you do exactly what I say."

"Yeah, whatever, let's keep eating."

You two talked about random topics until you finished your meals, you said goodbye to Kate and went straight to your apartment. You lay down for a while with Lena and accidentally fell asleep. You woke up from hear the ringtone on your phone, who would call you on a Saturday at 8pm? how much did you sleep? You grab your phone seeing the person responsible for waking you up, Natasha, what?

"Yes, Miss Romanoff?" You say with a raspy voice from just getting up and hear a groan from her.

"I need you in the office, now."

"I'm coming, Miss Romanoff." what the hell does she want?

Natasha's pov

On Saturdays I always work after everyone leaves, doing paperwork, reviewing my patient's cases, the boring stuff.

This morning I was talking to Wanda on the phone, we've known each other since we went to college, she was my roommate during those years and some casual sex on those long nights of study.

We both graduated with honors, we formed our companies and continue with our friendship, in these years I wanted Wanda to associate with me so that the two companies grow to the maximum of it, but she never accepted.

I know her tastes, we have exactly the same in almost everything, clothes, decisions, cars and especially women. That's why I knew that Y/N could convince her, and she did. But now I have a little problem, and that is that Wanda wants to go out with her, she can't and I won't allow it either. I remember our call earlier today when he asked for your phone number.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your call, my dearest friend?"

"Hello, my dear, I need you to do me a favor, please."

"What do you need, Wanda?"

"Could you give me Y/N's phone number?"

"This is a joke? You know I don't like jokes." I roll my eyes up.

"It's not a joke, honey, I really want her phone number to ask her out."

"You want to go out with her? You talked to her, like, twenty minutes."

"So? She intrigues me,  you know my taste, that's why you sent her to convince me and she did."

"Nope."

"Why?" she said panting.

"Because I say so," I take a deep breath and see Y/N knock on the door to enter "You're not going out with my assistant, you're going to work with her too."

"You want her for yourself, don't you? Come on Natasha, give me her number, please."

"No, I already told you no, I have to go, she is waiting at the door."

"Tell her I said 'hi'." I hang up and roll my eyes again. She doesn't take no for an answer.

Anyways, I continue with my paperwork, thinking about Wanda and Y/N irritates me, same as when I saw her talking to that waitress.

It's already 8pm and I've been looking for the folders I asked Y/N to make for the meetings for over an hour, but I can't find them. I decide to call her to ask where she left them.

"Yes, Miss Romanoff?" She answers my call with a raspy voice and I can only let out a groan.

"I need you in the office, now." I don't know where that came from.

"I'm coming now, Miss Romanoff."

A few minutes go by and I regret it but it's already late, Y/N must be coming by now. Why did I say that? I need to think more before I speak. The building is closed, and I have to go down to open it for her, so I take the key and go to the elevator. Once at the door, I see her walking in the same clothes as today, that skirt suits her so well.

She enters the building and we head towards the 27th floor, the air becomes heavy, thinking about Wanda and her, I let out a groan and Y/N asks if I'm okay, I don't answer and just wait for us to get to the office .

"What do you need me for, Miss Romanoff?" if she only knew what she does to me when she calls me that.

"Where did you leave the folders for the meetings, I spent more than two hours looking for them." I say dryly.

"Oh, excuse me, Miss Romanoff, they're on my desk, do you want me to bring them to you?"

"Yes, now."

She rushes out of my office and I watch as she bends down to look for the folders, oh god. She comes back with the five folders in her arms and leaves them in a pile on my desk.

"Sit," she sits down and crosses her legs, I can't help but look at them "I'm going to go over them, to see if you need to correct anything." I sit down too and grab the first folder.

"Yes, Miss Romanoff, do you need me to get you something, coffee, water, something to eat?" she asks attentively, to which I just shake my head.

"No thanks."

She nods and I keep going page by page, everything is detailed to perfection, I'm still irritated at the thought of my best friend wanting to invite her out.

"Come here, Y/N" I look up and chatch her staring at me, I see how she gets up from her chair to position herself next to me "I think I haven't told you, but if you're going to do your job I want it perfect" she nodded at me "see, this?" I point to the page and she leans in a little to get a better look. 

"Come closer" but the one with the best view is me, seeing her red lace bra through the undone buttons of her shirt.

"Yes, Miss Romanoff, do you want me to rewrite it?" she turns her head towards me and sees me looking at her cleavage, I pretend that nothing is happening and I look back at her eyes, I see how she blushes.

"You'll do it here so I can correct you if you're wrong again, understood?"

"Yes, Miss Romanoff." she take the folder in her hands and goes back to the chair in front of me, I hand her a blank paper and a pen so she can write it all again.  It takes half an hour to redo the entire page. She finishes writing and hands it to me to look at it, slooking at me expectantly while I read determinedly, it's perfect.

"Get up and come here," she does what I say and stands next to me again, I push her lower back so she ends lean to the page in the desk, I hear her just lets a sigh escape between her lips.

"What's wrong now, Miss Romanoff?"

"Nothing, it's perfect," I hear her swallow and got back up "You can go now. Monday I want you to come in earlier and put this on the computer to add to the folders, is that clear?" I say with authority and she nods.

"Yes, Miss Romanoff." I grab my stuff as she turns around and stare at her hips as they sway from side to side, I walk out after her and go into the elevator.

"I saw that you came walking, and it's already late, I'm taking you home." She looks at me surprised.

"Oh no, that's fine, Miss Romanoff, I can walk."

"I wasn't asking you, Y/N, I'm telling you," the elevator doors open, "walk."

"Yes, Miss Romanoff."

Y/N follows me like a little puppy to the building's garage which is now empty, only my Corvette is there. I unlock my door and climb in, opening the door from the inside for her to enter. 

The car fills with her scent and it's intoxicating, in a good way.

I touch the key ring for the gate to open and once we are in the street I start driving to her apartment, it's not that far from the building but it's late and it's also cold for a walk.

I casually observe her, she is looking out the window at the street lights. I look at her thighs too and I would like to put my hand on them just like I did at the event last night. I park in front of the door of her building, she thanks me and gets out of the car, I make sure she gets in and I head to my house.

I need to take a cold shower after all the thoughts that went through my head while thinking about her. It doesn't work as I expected and ended up going to sleep thinking about my assistant.

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

[bomberqueen17]

realizations

this is just me having medical realizations and again wishing I had someone to help me coordinate my medical care. I hear rumors some people use primary care physicians for this but mine doesn't do that kind of thing, so I'm writing things out here instead.

physical therapy:

shit got so busy last week that i fell off the wagon for the first time. I've only ever missed a single day of the thrice-weekly physical therapy exercises since I was first prescribed them in January; on two occasions I think I've wound up doing them only twice in a week. But last Tuesday, I woke up and did a few of them and then ran out of time, and then worked three twelve-hour days in a row, and a fourth day I worked six hours and then drove four more. And then I was visiting friends and had horrible menstrual cramps. So I just didn't climb back onto the wagon.

I haven't had bad sciatic nerve pain at any point during any of that. Sure, toward the end of the long days on my feet I was taking any opportunity to sit, and I was doing some of the pt stretches, and it's not that the sciatic nerve didn't hurt at all. But it didn't keep me up. And I now am back to a normal level of physical activity, and I slept in a bad position last night and am experiencing no consequences today.

I'll go back to them-- need to figure out today if I have an appointment tomorrow or Thursday first-- and I'm sure not saying the exercises caused the sciatic nerve pain-- but it sure is a fucking data point isn't it.

ADHD meds:

I have managed to take two doses of Ritalin about four times in the last two weeks. It used to be that I would at least really notice the first dose, but I've been faithful enough with it that at this point my body doesn't seem to react to it at all. I can't tell whether I've taken it, most days, and that means I don't notice it wearing off and I don't think to take the second one. I know it shouldn't work like that but it definitely doesn't. There have been days I've forgotten both doses, though, and there's no real difference in those days. And that time I tried to sew those bike shorts was one of my most obvious two-dose days.

I don't need help focusing my attention, which seems to be what the stimulants do. My manifestation of ADHD is not distraction. I have always been able to focus on a task. What I cannot do is initiate a task, change a task, or perform a sequence of tasks that depend on one another, beyond a very simple list structure. Last night I had to entirely admit defeat because coordinating a sequence of tasks was beyond me. It was an embarrassingly simple sequence of tasks: I had to drop my car off for service, and get dinner, and the hardest part was that I had to coordinate a person accompanying me in a second vehicle so I could get a ride home. And there was a time constraint, and I could not do any of it because I could not initiate the task of looking up which takeout restaurants were nearby. "Solve one thing at a time," Dude said, and proceeded to help me, but I said "i can't solve one thing at a time, because if I solve one thing I will not then be able to initiate the solving of the second thing, and then the second problem will derail the rest of my night."

On my own I would not have been able to feed myself dinner, I think. I would have had to abandon that very simple task as unsolvable. I simply could not hold two things in my mind long enough to consider it. It was absolutely stupid.

Relatedly I was trying to figure out how to calculate the sale price of an item, and it was 60% off the listed price, and I know to get 60% of something you multiply it by .6, so I was trying to do that and then subtract the number I got from the original number, and I tried it literally nine times without being able to remember the .6 result long enough to then type it back into the calculator. Yes, I know you can just times it by .4 instead now, and I also know that at any moment I could have gotten up and gotten a piece of paper, or gotten a second calculator, or taken a screenshot, but all of those solutions were so cumbersome and involved me abandoning my initial task that I could not figure out how to use them. I finally asked someone else and they told me the answer and also how to use the times .4 method, which I had considered but wasn't confident enough in.

All of this is related, I think, to me having basically no working memory. I cannot hold a thing in my mind while I contemplate a second thing. And I don't know if any ADHD medication would ever help with that. That is the root of almost all of my problems: I know, from long experience, that I have to continually maintain the single thing I am focused on in my mind, and if I try to think of any second thing, I either can't, or if I succeed, will lose the first thing irrevocably. So i can't use most of the problem-solving skills I know fine well how to use. I can't get fucking anything done. (I give amazing advice, always have, because I've spent a ton of time figuring out how to solve problems and then discovering that I can't actually use any of those methods successfully.) And, I can pretty conclusively state after these several months of experimentation: ADHD stimulant meds have zero effect on this problem.

I don't know if any meds have any effect on this problem. It may well be that there is nothing to be done for my condition, medication-wise. I guess I'm glad I was able to try medication, since it is such a miracle for so many people. I guess I'm just sad it wasn't a miracle for me. But it hasn't addressed any of my problems so I don't see a point in continuing it.

Possibly what I need is some other kind of therapy, some kind of like behavioral therapy or life coaching or something, I don't know. It would help me enormously, I think, to have a lifestyle with a predictable routine and very little dislocation, but that's not possible for me with my current job and life situation. And I don't know how to discover what kind of therapies even exist, and I know the psych provider I've been seeing will not be able to recommend anything in the three minutes we get per meeting. So I might just be out of options, now. But I guess I'm glad at least I tried.

I really wish I had some kind of doctor overseeing all of my medical care I could consult about this, but I don't, I only have the individual specialists. So I'm on my own and I'm just trying to work around my severe memory problems by writing things out, I guess.

Currently I am just going to have to accept that there's literally no way I'm going to be able to figure out how to get to Rochester and back this week, so I'm going to give up on retrieving my critical personal electronics and just wait until I head back to the farm to get them on my way through. Which sucks and I am sad about but I just don't know how to coordinate the logistics and incorporate that into my life, so I'm going to stop worrying about it. This is how I get through things: I just let almost everything go, and live with whatever I can pick up in the aftermath. C'est la vie!

Oh huh you can't add more tags onto posts once you've stopped adding them huh. Fascinating choice, Tumblr.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Brainrot Housekeeping: Updated Schedule!

Hi friends! I've got a whole message under the cut, but here's the important part regarding this blog's new content schedule:

Saturdays: mini-hcs Sundays: answering asks (& maybe some rambles?) Mondays: full-hc Tuesdays: answering asks (& maybe some shitposts?) Wednesdays: Vesuvia Weekly Thursdays & Fridays: rest

You might see some polls showing up in the next week or so about new content types - if you're interested, feel free to vote! ^.^ More under the cut:

While I haven't hit rock bottom, I've been getting some symptoms of burnout recently and I'd like to avoid completely running myself into the ground XD

This blog has really pushed me to see what kind of creativity I have, especially just how much work I'm able to produce and sustain. I thought I'd get tired and burn out at two months tops, and it's been over and year and I have no immediate plans to stop! However, taking a look at my own system right now, I do think I need to slow down.

To be honest, fanwork isn't something I've been doing a long time - this tumblr blog is the only fandom creative stuff I've ever done! Before that, most of the things I created were originals - music, art, and of course, writing (though I haven't touched my sketchbook/paints in forever and I haven't done any sightreading in years - whoops).

It gets hard to keep your muscles moving when you only move them in one direction. As much as I love writing headcanons for the M6 in response to people's prompts, there is so much else my mind can do that it misses having the space for. Which brings me to the reason for this schedule adjustment - I miss having that creative freedom.

I still greatly enjoy writing headcanons for you guys and participating in the fandom, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon. However, I want to take some time back to get back into frolicking in the stuff my own brain comes up with, and making space for that to grow into something real.

The questions I need to figure out now are 1) how much time is it going to take me to get my full capacity back? and 2) should I keep this as a purely Arcana blog, or expand it for all my creative work?

If you've read this far, you have my sincerest gratitude. I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

Cheers!

brainrot

[running-in-the-dark]

it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

[shardofhope-fanfic]

Jimmothy. (2021, May- 2024, March, 7th)

I don't know if it's hilarious, or morbid that Jimmothy and his brother passed at the exact same time in my life. I don't mean a date, or anything so specific. But they left me during the transitory periods of my life when I had time to dedicate to them without any other worries. When Juice Box passed, it was too soon. I fought the reaper tooth and nail to give him more. He died short of his second birthday.

Jimmothy was made of tougher stuff than that, I suppose, but the march of time will wear us all down. Rats have it rougher than us, as after two years, their nerves began to fray and fail. I knew he was getting old in December when he began to waddle. Hind Leg degeneration had begun. I thought it would be different, this time. A slow decline into a peaceful death. I had time to come to terms with it. I thought it would be easier.

This monday, he seemed slightly off. He was still eating, but very little. All he wanted was apple sauce and attention, and I made an appointment for him to get checked out on Thursday. Not for any notion that I could keep him alive for much longer, but to make him comfortable.

Tuesday, he had stopped eating altogether and took a rapid downturn, only wanting to sleep, and occasionally cuddle. Strange, considering he was as independent as a rat could be. He hated being handled and coddled. And would only allow extended petting when he rode around on my shoulder like a pirate. Boys always tended to be, but that's what I loved about them. They were little teenagers, constantly embarrassed by their "Dad" being around, except when I fed them of course.

Later in the night, I knew that he wasn't long for this world. His hind legs had completely given up the ghost, and I couldn't coax him to even drink water. I thought it would be easier. It was not. I cried my eyes out like it was the first time I held him. I was so convinced that he would be gone in the morning, so I slept, getting mentally ready for burying the last of my first pair.

Yet he was still there in the morning, so my surprise. All that preparation crumbled in a moment, and I spent most of the day crying, petting him, and fretting over making him comfortable. I made a bed for him on my desk. I cried more, and I thought that maybe he would make it to the vet.

I spent an hour petting him as I listened to my records, holding him in my arms like I used to do when he was young as he rested. I made my peace then, I thought he may linger for a few more days and gently put him away to use the restroom.

by the time I got back, he was gone. died in the 3 min it took me to take a piss and wash my hands. His brother, of course, did the exact same thing to me.

In my heart, I feel like he was helping me get over him before I had to put him to rest. That he knew how upset I would be, how much I loved the little bastard and wanted to spend some time with me before his time was up. I like to think that, instead of he just wanted to die alone.

Either way, he was an important part of my life. Bought as a paid with his brother, during some of the worst years in my life. I'm better than I was then, healthier and happier, despite everything. Yet....Yet I feel a little lost, without them. Without my boys.

This doesn't even feel like a eulogy to me, more an explanation of what happened, and how much I miss him already. Yet, it feels like the best way to show what he was. He was a stubborn bastard who always wanted his way, despite whatever it was. But he loved everyone, even still.

Even still. I want him to have a little of the immortality that the internet provides, and thus, I write this. In the end, his stubbornness was a gift to me, giving me the time to spend some last moments with a pet I loved with all my heart.

Goodbye, my little bastard. I'll miss you.

[yourpenpaldee]

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ TEMPORARY SCHEDULE

Hi! I haven't been crazy active on here now that I'm working on getting When Art Talks going. I figured I would make myself a schedule for the time being since time management is my arch nemesis. Let’s hope my INFP self can actually stick to the schedule I created.

SCHEDULE UNDER THE CUT!

SUNDAY

NO POSTS — sundays are my rest days, so the most i'll do is lurk and reblog stuff.

MONDAY

WEEKLY GOALS — this is probably more for me so i can hold myself accountable by the end of the week. but i think it’d be fun to share what i’m expecting to get done for the following week.

TUESDAY

NO POSTS — i have more time on tuesdays to write, so i'll be focusing on that. will probably lurk and reblog by the end of the night.

WEDNESDAY

TAGS — i'm still drowning in tags, so i'm dedicating wednesdays to completing them and catching up with the ones i've missed :) with that being said, please keep tagging me because i love seeing people talk about their OCs and WIPs.

THURSDAY

NO POSTS — writing and watching The Walking Dead for research purposes... and because i'm heavily addicted to it right now. please send IMMEDIATE help (i swear if anything happens to michonne—).

FRIDAY

NADIA AND ELENA'S CHARACTER INTROS (only the first friday) — these should've been up forever ago, but i got too excited about finally getting the momentum going. i need to finalize their playlists and moodboards before they go up :)

UHH — i have no clue what i plan on doing after posting the last of the character intros because i never know what my fridays are going to look like. i guess it'll all depend on what i'm feeling like that day.

SATURDAY

SIDE CHARACTER INTROS (only the first saturday) — this will be the last of the character intros! i'm still debating if i should post backstories for my main characters since it'll be revealed in the story pieces at a time. if so, then i'll post one character each day for the following week.

END-OF-WEEK REPORTS — a weekly progress report on my writing progress. word counts, chapters completed, if i achieved my goals for the week. all of that stuff :)

The schedule will probably stay this way until the end of summer. It's a busier summer than normal for me, but I really want to make sure I make progress with this story. It's been an on and off project for what feels like forever. I've gotten to a place where I'm content and ready to set this story in motion. Here’s to a productive summer! ♡

[donnerpartyofone]

I went to Star of the Sea a few times a week all February, which means it took me like a month to look up and discover the giant pipe organ over the entrance. It's crazy how habitually I only look where I'm stepping, I'm constantly missing the most obvious (and interesting) things. I wonder if anyone ever plays it! There's a piano and also an electric keyboard of some kind up front that they use on the weekends, when music is played by an older lady with bright red hair and an absolutely wild operatic soprano. Every single person who comes here is an absolute capital-C character. I've even started to see these cool strega types in black furs with chic wigs or dye jobs and cateye glasses; with any luck that's what I'll be like when I'm their age.

I usually say that I'm going to this place, never having been to church in my life, because of an art history-related project I'm working on, but it feels like a lot of different converging paths have led me here. When my husband and I first moved to this neighborhood ten years ago, we stumbled upon the procession of Our Lady of Sorrows aka Mater Dolorosa aka La Maria Addolorata one day, and I immediately thought...man am I in the right place. Here is her statue in the Italian social club garden (which is cut back for the winter in this image, but when it's in bloom it's like a vibrant little jungle), and here is a photo from Wikipedia of the procession:

Naturally this introduction to the local traditions made me very interested in what could be in the church, although I took my time getting there. Bizarrely, when I finally checked it out last month, almost the first thing I heard was a reading in which Mary is told about how she's going to suffer for her son's fate, using the wording: "And you yourself a sword shall pierce". The phrase has a beautiful musicality to it, but it really caught my ear because it so obviously inspired the imagery of the Dolorosa. If I had gone on any other day, I wouldn't have received this strangely meaningful-to-me welcome. This pincushion version of Mary is strikingly gothic, and often garbed in black and gold:

I'm sure that when I first started coming to Star of the Sea, creeping around sneaking pictures, it might have been perturbing to at least some of the old time neighborhood retirees who come to weekday masses. But, I eventually became a familiar face, and I brought my husband to this wine and cheese thing they offered after last Saturday's service. We went around and introduced ourselves to the main regulars plus the monsignor (who is really sweet and good-humored), and that seemed to help; when I came back on Tuesday, one of the main ladies introduced me to more people and told them about our Saturday visit, it really seemed to mean something to her. Maybe it's pretentious of me but I feel like it might be good for them to see me around, like maybe if they get to know a punk-looking chick like me a little bit, then it will make them feel like they might have more in common with really different-seeming people than they think. And vice-versa, of course.

At the end of yesterday's mass, I got to meet the extremely sharp and charismastic Father Patterson who comes on Thursdays to help out, since the church's original guy passed away. Patterson came out and met everybody this time, and I was excited to tell him that I had never been to church before the week that he himself started coming to Star of the Sea, and his homilies were part of what kept me coming back. He stunned me by saying something like, "Keep coming, because while you might be inspired by this place, people around you are being inspired by you at the same time. You won't see it yourself and you don't even have to, because it's just you, your you-ness is what's inspiring." I was so humbled, I didn't really know how to act. It was an interesting insight; often when we feel bad about ourselves, we get served this condescending rhetoric about how your low self-esteem prevents you from seeing yourself as wonderful the way others do--but this was more like, you have to spend all your time with yourself, so you never experience yourself as novel, you can't possibly see what other people see. It's like how you can't smell yourself, basically. Up at the top I was saying how everybody who comes here is a big time Character with unique personalities, and suddenly it occurred to me that I am now one of those Characters. I have the feeling Patterson was sent to Star of the Sea like Mary Poppins, to uplift everybody who lost their pastor and are worried about the future of the parish. He's doing a really good job and it will be a bummer when he's gone.

Meanwhile, baby's first meme:

[academicvalidation4life]

tuesday, march 19th 2024

it's been a while! my assignments for last week took up all of my time. I've started to receive a few of my grades back, and I'm mostly feeling like I'm falling behind. for now - 80% in physics, chemistry and sociology, 62% in biology and 40% in philosophy (worst one!).

didn't do too well on my mock this Saturday either 😕 I'm trying to not let this affect my next midterms, which are maths tomorrow, literature on Thursday and sociology and philosophy again on Friday. I'm very tired, have been feeling a bit ill, totally unmotivated to go to the gym and my mental health hasn't been the greatest.

a few weeks ago I had to quit dancing, which is the thing I love most in the world, because it became too much for me. I'm still very upset and miss it daily.

however, I got some good news today! I improved by 20% on my essay!! if I keep this up, by the standard exam in November I'll be able to get close to a full mark.

let's see what the rest of the week has in store for me. I have an event on Sunday for which I’m very excited, as well as a few fun things coming up in the next couple of weeks.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Is Emmerdale really that bad? I haven't watched since meena left but I still follow some Emmerdale accounts or those who still watch and I just can't imagine it has gotten any worse because I mean it was dire when I last watched but it is like even the people who still got some enjoyment aren't even enjoying It anymore

I mean aside from when they inflict Wendy on me, I don't mind watching it from time to time that much. I mean I'm a pretty casual viewer when it comes to actually watching. It something big is (in theory) happening, I might watch a whole week, but otherwise, if I have time on a thursday or friday when I'm working from home, I'll put it on live but I rarely bother to properly catch up if I miss things other than a youtube clip here or there.

But yeah...it's horrendous right now if you're actually trying to get more than passive engagement out of it. The stories are just straight up dumb.

I mean Meena was not really that great of a character in the pantheon of Emmerdale characters and stories but she was such a breath of fresh air at the time because she was actually killing people off and creating more lasting consequences, or at least she did with Leanna's death. That episode where she killed her was pretty silly but at least when she fell from a bridge and hit her head, she actually died (unlike Caleb). And we had a quite lengthy grief story for Liam. I feel like that was the last time anything legitimately mattered on this show. Maybe Faith's illness because Sally Dexter is a good actress and sold it but otherwise....

I mean we just had a supposed whodunnit, based on 6ish months of random nonsense with Caleb, most of which was set up last minute to justify suspects. His character has had more "big reveals" that are completely convoluted than any character I've ever seen on this show. It's ridiculous. And he gets "pushed" off a ridge on a Thursday, hits his head...maybe? Breaks his leg in three places apparently? Gets found on a Friday, put into a medically induced coma I guess?? There was literally zero evidence that he'd even been pushed but the cops were going through their plotty suspects one by one anyway. By literally Tuesday, they had already revealed that it was Caleb's scored gay son, who the cops didn't even bother to interview that had pushed him. By Wednesday Caleb is out of his coma with a memory of what happened. By Thursday, he's out of the hospital, moved into the Mill, which he somehow had completely redecorated while he was in a coma. He briefly threatens to tell the police it was Nicky or Cain or Mack or whoever and the ultimately tells the police it was a deer and an accident. The police are still suspicious but again...they have zero evidence of an actual crime. Nicky claims he's done with Caleb and like stomps upstairs. Comes back two seconds later, tells him he's done again and leaves. Then he was back before the episode was even over with beer and a curry and they called a truce and Nicky's all "well you aren't all bad".

There are just absolutely no lasting consequences on this show anymore. Everything is pointless. The only thing that lasts is a pregnancy because they have to get every female character pregnant.

@sugdenlovesdingle is right, it's a comedy.

And the annoying thing is that, while everything they do is ultimately terrible, there are plenty of bits here and there that actually have potential, they just don't seem to recognize any of it and just continue to drive the show into the ground.

The terrible trio should be fired. It's time. The show has suffered enough under their reign of terror.

[fountainpenguin]

Post-Poll Notes

After looking at the "When should I post chapters?" poll and giving it some thought, I think I'll post new chapters on Fridays [Possibly Thursday night with a Friday announcement on Tumblr] and do a reminder reblog bump the following Tuesday.

I've been super busy with work IRL, including getting lots of work on my novel done (Sent my first 10 pages to an agent last night). I still look forward to writing for FOP, but updates will be sporadic as I'm not really able to build a buffer right now.

Look to mid to late April for the next update! I anticipate a new Reedfilter Rules chapter followed a couple weeks later by the next Frayed Knots update. I think we'll mainly go in a Rules > Knots > Origin of the Pixies cycle with a 4th project mixed in on occasion.

I'm confident we'll finally get into the war chapters this year in Knots and Origin, which will mean a lot of crossovers between the two. The war chapters (and, truthfully, most of the stuff that comes after like the expansions of Pixie World, A.C./A.W. romance, and rise of Anti-Sanderson) have been heavily written since 2016, so getting here 6 to 7 years later is pretty exciting. I'll still need to write some missing scenes from scratch, but most of the work should be tidying up what younger me did and adding transitions between the existing scene blocks.

Speaking of, I'm coming up on my 7-year anniversary of writing for FOP. It's something I enjoy and I'm glad there are also people out there who enjoy my convoluted projects and like sending me Asks. Thanks for reading!

[mushibashiraas]

🛒 I JUSR REALIZED HOW AWFUL AND ROBOTIC I SOUNDFJDJDJ LIKE. i come back after posting the ruggie fic and redoing my theme only to drop a to do list and dip againdjsjdjs ah. uh.

so life update ig? eh. i can talk more about my chronic migraines too since the life update is mainly about themfjdjdj oops. BUCKLE TF UP BC THIS'LL BE LONG (still dont know how to add the "more under the cut" thing on mobile tumblr. too lazy to get out my laptop)

this whole week has been insane! context: my migraines are triggered by bright light, loud sounds, motion-sickness-games (i.e. genshin, Identity V, etc.), weather pressure changes, rainy days/nights, storms, and dramatic temperature fluctuations..... but mainly the last four.

anyway. this week had the first and the second triggers. (and towards the end of this week is supposed to have the last trigger. yay!) one of the things that happens (IF i push myself to power through and "stay conscious" — more on that in a bit) is that i faint. like. not "faint for a couple minutes." nahhhh! i go out for like 10-40 minutes; normally the max is 20. but occasionally, a 40 minute episode'll occur and those are the scary ones.

on tuesday, i had a doctor appointment with my cardiologist pertaining to said migraines and fainting. while waiting to check in, i passed out and fell (i was standing at the time). and the staff and nurses were worried i hit my head so they called for an ambulance to drive me across the street to the hospital ER. i was there all afternoon and almost all night. i finally went home at 11pm. i'll spare yall of the more personal details (what tests were done, the overall experience, etc). all i'll say is that there's a reason why i hate hospitals and needles.

but the visit was long and tedious and terrifying and painful. i cried several times, as well as fainted a few more times between when i came to just as the paramedics arrived and a little after the technicians performed EKGs, etc. [like they usually do whenever someone is first admitted to the ER]. those fainting episodes were only a few minutes tho. not long at all. don't worry!

*sighs* anyway. that visit defined my entire week tho bc i ended up missing a day of work on thursday and a korean language class on wednesday. still felt the usual symptoms (most likely the aftermath) like dizziness, nausea, a heavy, sluggish feeling, soreness/headaches, loss of eyesight, etc.

hope this explanation helps??? i'll get back to writing and gaming soon. aaaaa i have a guaranteed yelan to get ready for anyway. heehee

EDIT: i forgot to add that yall shouldnt worry too much! sorry if i scared yall! these migraines and fainting episodes aren't manageable yet. even tho i can go to work sometimes, i cant drive, take horseback riding lessons (i used to take them), and go to/continue college,,,, i've had them since 2013?? 2014?? and am on medication for them as well as going to a neurologist and cardiologist who are both monitoring my condition and trying to help me and get them manageable so i can do all the aforementioned things i said i can't do.

also, it's not as uncommon as i seem to make it to be. several celebrities (look up Ben Affleck migraines) have chronic migraines, as well as several families/people/co-workers also have or have dealt with chronic migraines and passing out due to them. my own mom and older brother — altho they aren't biologically related to me — also have bad/chronic migraines. my family actually make jokes about my migraines and say i'm a walking barometer lol if anyone lives in the northeastern U.S. text me and check if a storm is coming. lol i can most likely tell you; if i migraine than yes. if i don't than no. lol /j but all jokes aside,,, again. don't worry too much for me. ok? i'm still functioning even if it's at low-HP/hu tao levels (a little genshin/gamer joke/comparison for yall). i'm still shino/em, someone who is so in love with jamil and xiao and rindou that they'll devote all their time and resources to taking care of them. heehee! ❤️❤️

[genuine-possum]

I posted 35,354 times in 2022

That's 460 more posts than 2021!

274 posts created (1%)

35,080 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@depressedtransguy

@thedragonemperess

@jaskiers-sweetkiss

@angelwiththeblue-box

@redacted-thething

I tagged 1,163 of my posts in 2022

#jynx says goodnight - 127 posts

#jynx talks gaeilge - 93 posts

#911 spoilers - 70 posts

#jynx answers - 57 posts

#jynx's bf - 54 posts

#jynx rambles - 53 posts

#angel!! - 36 posts

#loml - 26 posts

#parker tag - 16 posts

#val tag - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#'eddie looks to the 118 enjoying themselves. the shot focuses of buck as he laughs’ and the lighting around makes him seem almost angelic'

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I apologise to any and all of my followers but I'm watching Teen Wolf and Theo just got introduced

I'm already in love and shipping Thiam even though theyve had nearly no screentime so far in what I've seen.

Yes I will be reblogging a lot of Theo and Thiam things, sorry in advance, thanks for your patience

22 notes - Posted February 6, 2022

#4

sometimes I think I deserve financial compensation for being friends with some of my friends

like I love them so much

but also

Jesus Christ you are both dumbasses

22 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

#3

bites you

bites you back

23 notes - Posted April 21, 2022

#2

HIATUS NOTICE

I, Jynx Cas Genuine-Possum, am taking a hiatus from tumblr from Thursday (03/11) until Tuesday (08/11) because I'm going abroad with my boyfriend for a family event.

Sadly this does mean that I will miss the November Fifth Celebrations of this year. I wish I could participate but I have a rule that I don't use Tumblr during these mini holidays so you'll simply see things I have queued or anything I scheduled for Nov 5 that I've forgotten about.

I'll try to catch up upon my return and if anyone wants to talk then please go to my discord at hijynx #2543

tagging mutuals: @thedragonemperess @angelwiththeblue-box @depressedtransguy @blueskiesandstarrynights @spider-starry @cashpiggotts

24 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

hey guys, I wanna change my URL and I have absolutely no ideas

I don't want it to be name specific like my past few URLs so maybe something song lyrics or fandom related? just not marvel, DC or jatp because I already have sideblogs for those

tagging moots for ideas: @thedragonemperess @angelwiththeblue-box @depressedtransguy @allmytroublesonaburningpile @adlaih @spider-starry @number-0-iz

25 notes - Posted July 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS Fall - Chapter 5 - Part 1

BOOK TWO: The 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning Adult Content*

Samuel Moretti

"I'll talk to you later, Noah," and I hung up the phone and set my phone face down on my nightstand.

I had a reason to be upset, didn't I?

I mean, friend?

I wasn't Noah's friend, I was his' boyfriend' and Noah didn't even correct whoever the hell that guy was.

I crossed my arms over my chest as I started to feel more than upset.

Angry was a better term.

Which I also thought I had the right to feel.

Noah should've corrected him.

Saying 'friends don't do what Sam and I do' isn't correcting him.

It merely stated that we did non platonic stuff.

For all his friends knew, Noah and I could be just friends with benefits.

Did Noah even tell them that he had a boyfriend?

And to top it off, the guy who called Noah my friend, was driving Noah home?

Noah was clearly drunk and probably high.

When he was intoxicated like that, he was flirty and touchy.

What if that guy made a move on him or thought Noah was making a move?

Oh, God, it felt like my head was going to explode.

That was what I hated the most, the unknown part of Noah's life.

I knew that sounded bad and like I was controlling or possessive but I couldn't help it.

I had major jealousy issues and not knowing Noah's new friends and if his new friends knew about me, was suffocating me.

I missed the summer time when it was just Noah and I in his apartment and I got to stay with him that entire summer.

I wanted my mind to focus on that.

Focus on the feeling of Noah lying next to me.

Focus on Noah's love for me but all I could focus on for that entire night was if that guy would do something with Noah and if Noah was sober enough to stop it.

Noah never Face-Timed me again that night and I cried myself to sleep, the exhaustion my brain endured from all of my racing thoughts was just too much and it was only October.

********

Noah Face-Timed me in the morning as I was getting ready for school which was about six am in the morning.

"Hey, Dumbass, how'd you sleep?" he asked me, all smiles but he still looked tired.

He didn't normally call me this early.

Especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he doesn't have class.

I thought he called to catch me before my school day to apologize to me but his light tone didn't come off as apologetic.

"Fine," I spoke dryly, wanting Noah to notice my off mood but he didn't as he started ranting about last night.

"Last night was so fun, I wish you were there. Honestly, you'd love them. Kyle is just like Jason and Alice is the sweetest girl, you two would hit it off for sure. Ciera's kinda scary," he chuckled.

"So maybe not her. Remember Dinah? The cashier you met? We were in her dorm, she's a lot like Emily except way more talkative."

Noah was sure as hell talkative that morning as well but I didn't comment.

"And Jude's cool. You'd like him."

"Hmm," is all I replied with.

I zipped up the chino pants I had just put on.

"What's wrong?"

Noah was laying in bed, partly naked and I had a brilliant view of his bare chest down to his V line and the waistband of his briefs.

"I don't know, Noah. Maybe because we are just friends," I said bitterly as I pulled a white collared shirt over my head then tugged on my dark green crewneck sweater.

Noah sighed, which upset me more.

Did he not see what was wrong with that?

Was I being over dramatic?

"Sam, it's not a big deal. I told him that we were dating."

"Are dating. We are dating, Noah," I corrected him but I wanted to scream at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. We are dating. I'm sorry," he repeated and sounded sincere.

"I'm kinda upset you didn't even correct him."

Noah and I had been trying to be more open about our feelings.

The lack of honesty was the killer to our relationship last year when we first started dating.

I mean, I always tried to be honest, Noah was the one who struggled in that department.

Now, both of us agreed to do our best to convey our true feelings and thoughts to each other.

"What do you mean? I did. I told him..."

"No, you didn't, Noah. If you had corrected him, you would've said 'Sam's not my friend, he's my boyfriend but instead you said some dumb shit like 'friends don't do what we do'. What the actual fuck, Noah?"

But sometimes how we conveyed our honest emotions was through anger and harsh words.

"Oh my fucking God," Noah sat up in his bed.

"Are you being serious right now? I was fucking wasted, Sam. Fucking Hell."

I wanted to cry.

Ever since Noah moved away, I had become far more emotional and a nervous wreck.

"You don't understand," I shook my head.

He groaned.

"Can we please not fucking argue about this? It's not like anything happened. All he did was call me your friend. I'm gonna go to parties and hang out with people and you're just gonna have to trust me."

'Kinda hard to trust you when you're great at lying,' I thought.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't think Noah would ever cheat on me.

However, I didn't trust anyone else and I didn't trust Noah to tell me if someone tried something on him, to spare my feelings.

I moved out of camera view as I swiped away a fallen tear and breathed in then out slowly.

I moved back to camera.

"Can you at least recognize why that would make me upset?" I asked but it was more like pleading and I couldn't keep my voice cracking at the end.

Noah took a deep breath and no longer used a harsh tone.

"I do, baby, I'm sorry. Jude knows we're dating. I'm sorry, I should've told him again that you're my boyfriend."

'Again? That meant that 'Jude' guy knew beforehand that Noah and I were dating.'

"I'm sorry, really," Noah reiterated, actually looking guilty.

I sighed and sat on my bed.

Maybe I was over reacting.

"Thank you for apologizing. I just... wanted to talk to you last night."

Talk to him about something pretty important.

"I know that we're not gonna be able to talk to each other every night, I get that but... it's just hard."

"I know. That's why I called you this morning, so we could talk."

I wanted to tell him about Sunday when I got home and who I ran into.

"I gotta get to school. I'll call you when I'm home," is what I told him instead.

I didn't want to start another fight but I should've addressed what happened Sunday.

Not telling him was a big mistake.

"Okay. I love you," he spoke softly.

"I love you too," and I hung up.

[ambroziadelphine]

Hurricane Maria(Chapter 8)

The next few days were relatively the same, minus the small mishap that Maria has seemed to completely moved on from. I've noticed her out on the balcony again most nights, that same container on the table beside her; I've chosen to leave her alone for now, though I stayed up until I heard her come back inside just to be safe. She's been kind to me thus far still, and I think the boys have been talking to her because she had started asking me more questions about me, though she never asked about my past due to the whole 'amnesia' thing. It was a Monday, and apparently the first day of school for the boys. She woke them up early, making them their lunches and breakfast as they got dressed and ready; she said she let me sleep in which is why I woke up to the Devon poking me with his school bag and shoes already on. 

"Hey, mom's dropping us off at the bus stop. We'll see you after school, okay?" He said, his tone hyper and excited that I couldn't even be annoyed at waking up to his chirpy voice. I sat up a little and raised an eyebrow at him.

"This early? It's nearly 7." I said, looking at the clock beside me as he sighed.

"Yea, we've got a long bus ride. School starts at 8:30 and the bus takes like, over an hour." Andy said from the doorway, his hands clutching his backpack straps as Maria stood just behind him.

"Sorry, they wanted to say bye before I took them to the bus." She said sheepishly, giving a small smile as Andy walked in.

"We should be home by 4:45 at the latest. The bus is an hour and a half but usually gets there a bit early, so we've got to go soon." He said as I nodded, throwing the covers off of me as I stood up.

"Do you need any help?" I asked Maria who chuckled lightly and shook her head.

"Getting them to the bus? No. It's just at the end of the driveway but I stay with them until they're on the bus." She said and I nodded. "Speaking of which, we should go now before you two miss the bus." She said as Devon looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Can Jiraiya come with us to the bus stop?" He asked as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes playfully at the child.

"That's up to him. I'll be downstairs waiting for you, but if you're not there in 5 minutes, I'm coming back up for you." She told the little boy, smiling before walked downstairs, Andy leaning out the door until she was down the stairs and out of sight.

"Okay, so mom usually works in her office all day until we get home on Tuesday's, Wednesday's and Thursday's. She cleans on Monday, so she may seem busy today but trust me, she will enjoy talking if she's not playing music while cleaning. She likes talking, but she doesn't usually talk much since she's so used to being with only us. " He explained, slightly throwing me off at the information. I didn't realize he was taking this as seriously as I was. I really don't want to fuck up with Maria. "Just, don't upset her today. If you don't know something or are unsure of what to say or do, tell her that. She's more understanding then you think." He said before turning around and walking out.

"Oh, and coming to the bus stop is a good idea. You can talk to her while we wait." He said as Devon grinned.

"She's too cautious to ask about you right now. Ask her about herself! She's liking you more then you realize." He said before giggling and running out, leaving me there slightly confused. I will never get used to the fact these two children, especially the youngest, were my guides and help to not fuck up my chances with my soulmate.

-------Maria's POV-------

I was surprised to see Jiraiya was actually coming with us, a simple task like up the driveway. It was kind of strange but, I also didn't know how to feel about leaving him alone in the house yet. I had plenty of personal and confidential stuff in there, I needed to trust him before I felt comfortable leaving him alone in there. I wouldn't even leave him alone with my boys for more then a few minutes. I'd been using those gummies almost every night and I've just been getting more and more in my head when I'd sit out on the balcony and think.

We were all at the end of the long driveway, the boys wanted to ride in the back of my truck up there before their first day so they were sat in there as they waited, my drivers door open as I leaned back against the side of my seat. Devon was busy talking to Jiraiya about all his friends at school, wondering who's class he's be in, while Andy hugged me tight. He was always the kid who would cry on his first day of school when he was younger, not wanting to leave me for hours even if he knew he'd be right back with me at the end of the school day. I picked him up after a moment of him pouting, putting him on my hip as I hugged him close, his head laying on my shoulder as he wrapped his short arms around my waist.

"I don't wanna leave." He murmured into my shoulder making me chuckle, kissing his head lightly.

"It's only for a few hours." I told him, going through the same thing I've always told him every year. "Then you'll be right back here, with me, your brother, and all your games." I said, not noticing the way Devon and Jiraiya were staring at the display.

"How about, I make you some treats, hmm? For when you get back." I asked and he slowly looked up at me, looking slightly less sad then before. He gave a slow nod making me smile, leaning in to kiss his cheek, blowing a raspberry instead sneakily, a smile and giggle escaping him.

"Momma! That tickles!" He laughed and I chuckled, giving him a small squeeze before feeling a small hand pat my arm, looking over to see Devon almost hanging off the bed of the truck as he just barely reached my arm.

"I want hugs too." He whined as I chuckled, shifting Andy in my arms and helping Devon down, Jiraiya helping him settle in my arms as I squeezed them tight to me. They were heavy to hold together, but I managed, Jiraiya looking slightly surprised but seeming as if he was ready to catch them or take one if I lost my grip.

"There, now I've got both my boys." I said, grinning as Devon buried his face in my neck, Andy kissing my cheek sweetly.

"I'm gonna miss you, momma." He muttered, my expression softening as I kept them close, the school bus seen in the distance.

"I'm gonna miss you too Cowboy." I said, kissing his head before doing the same to Devon. "I'm gonna miss you too Birdy."  I muttered, Andy lifting his head to look down the road, seeing the bus coming as a sad look crossed over his face again.

"What if I don't have any friends in my class?" Andy asked quietly and I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped me.

"You are one of the sweetest little boys I've ever met. I promise, you'll always make friends in your classes." I told him, kissing his cheek. "Besides, you have friends on the bus, and you'll be able to play with them at recess. You've just gotta find one person in your class to get along with, then you won't feel so alone in there, alright?" I told him, Devon smiling at his older brother.

"Of course you'll make friends! You're the best big brother I could ever have, who wouldn't want you as a friend?!" He cheered making Andy smile as I chuckled, moving to set the boys down as the bus got closer.

"Alright, its almost time to go. I want you two to be good today. No phone calls home, alright Birdy?" I asked, lightly poking Devon in the stomach. He had ADHD and tended to get into trouble for the dumbest reasons; slow developing powers doesn't help. I was glad only one of them was a little troublemaker.

"No phone calls home, got it!" Devon said as he grinned up at me, fixing his backpack over his shoulders as I smiled, ruffling his hair as he giggled.

"And I want you two to be nice, and be polite to your new teachers. They deal with a lot of kids in a day, so please treat them with respect." I told them, getting nods in response and smiles from them. 

"Can we get our teachers gifts next week? Ms. Snow really liked it last year when we did that." Devon asked, beaming up at me as I chuckled, nodding as I remembered the appreciation the kindergarten teacher had at the gift of craft supplies plus some Swiss chocolates she had mentioned loving once when I picked up the boys for a change.

"Sure, if you want to, we can definitely do that." I told them, Devon grinning.

"I hope I get Mr. Michael! Henry's brother was in his class and he said he plays a lot of games in his classes!" He said and I chuckled, hugging the boys just as the bus finally pulled up.

"I just hope you two have a good day, alright? I love you two." I said, getting each an I love you too in response before I gave them each a kiss on the cheek and they were off, waving me goodbye as soon as they found their seats with their friends. I smiled and waved back, waiting for a few moments before sighing and turning around to Jiraiya, who was silent through the whole exchange. "Is staring at me you're new hobby or something?" I asked, raising a brow as he blinked and chuckled slightly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Sorry, it's just been a while since I've seen two boys love their mother quite as much as those two do." He said, a small smile on his face making me crack a small one, looking back where the bus took off from then back to him.

"I'm lucky I have them. Don't know where I'd be if I didn't honestly." I said before turning to hop in my truck. "Well, I've got things to do, so either get in or your walking back to the house." I told him playfully, giving him a small smile as I sat in the drivers seat. He looked slightly caught off guard, but he quickly rounded the truck and got in with me, observing as I turned the truck around the wide entrance of the long gravel driveway before driving back to the house.

------------------

The morning was nice. I finally got to do the cleaning I've been meaning to do, organizing the living room, stocking the kitchen, folding laundry. All done now. I sighed and sat outside on the back porch with some ice coffee, feeling as the summer sun filtered through the big black cherry tree we had just a few feet in front of the large deck. Our property was filled with a large area of sugar maple, red maple, and yellow birch, though there was a staggered line of fruit trees that seemed to have been planted decades ago; a lemon tree, two apple trees and a peach tree. 

The boys absolutely loved when we've have to thin out the peaches every year, helping me can them into pickled peaches, or make green peach salads. They both went wild for the lemon tree though, mainly because it was my favourite, I'd made a concentrated lemonade syrup with them so the boys could have quick lemonade whenever they'd like; makes it easier to give them good options I know all the ingredients of then just get something like Brisk or some other brand with artificial flavors. Though I'd never out right ban soda from the house or anything, just because it's not the best choice, doesn't mean it can't be a 'sometimes' treat.

We also have a giant wild raspberry bush on the side of the house so raspberry lemon was always a staple in our house during summer, Devon is obsessed with raspberry tarts with lemon glaze. I've got to watch it when I'm making them, or I'll find him with a spoon in the bowl of raspberry custard, giving himself a tummy ache from too much of the sweet and pudding like treat. I figured today may be the perfect day to make those and see if I can get some of the apples for more tarts, knowing how Andy liked a slow transition into the upcoming seasonal flavors; and apple cinnamon was always a good way to stay in season and get him interested in next season.

I eventually got up, heading inside for my wicker basket to collect the fruit I'd need which was beside the couch, where Jiraiya was currently reading my book, his nose was practically shoved in the book before he heard the door open. He looked up at me, seeming to quickly bookmark his page and set the book down as I walked closer making me chuckle.

"Just grabbing my wicker basket." I mused, seeing his cheeks turn pink, seeming to realize how eager he must have looked.

"Sorry." He said making me sigh, stopping in my reach for the basket.

"You okay?" I asked him, his eyes looking up at me in mild surprise.

"Uh, yes.. I'm fine." He muttered before I leaned closer to him.

"Really? Because you're face is quite red right now." I teased, smirking at his face turned even more red, his eyes tearing from mine as I chuckled, grabbing the basket and straightening up. "I'm just teasing." I said as I turned to go back outside, his hand catching my wrist making a lump form in my throat, needing to close my eyes and take a deep inhale through my nose. I could feel the flash of fear go through me at the grab, but I reminded myself this was Jiraiya, not Devon's father. his grip loosened after a second, my body letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Do.. do you need any help?" He asked me, I looked at him in thought before smiling a little.

"Sure, I'd like that." I told him, he quickly followed after me to the big lemon tree. Normally I'd use a ladder, but if Jiraiya is offering.. I guess I could do some climbing this time. "I've got to pick some lemons and raspberries for those treats I promised Andy and Devon. Think you could help get me up?" I asked, he looked at me slightly caught off guard, but he nodded, moving behind me and hovering his hands over my waist before looking at me.

"You sure this is okay?" He asked making me chuckle.

"Sorry, do you want to climb the lemon tree?" I joked, his cheeks flushing pink as he chuckled slightly.

"Point taken." He said, grabbing my waist as I climbed onto a thick branch, reaching for a cluster of lemons weighing down a branch to my right. See, I needed to thin out the lemons now anyways, or the branches would snap, which is exactly what I was going to do so I could send some lemon syrup to the cities farmers market with Dakota. It was good spare money, though the boys normally help make it, so that's usually their spending money for the beginning of the year. I was quick to fill the basket, asking him to get the small wagon that held more baskets which he did, filling about half the wagon as Jiraiya raised a brow at me.

"This is a lot of lemons, are you sure you need this much?" He asked as he helped me down. I opened my mouth to respond when my hand on the branch slipped and I fell into Jiraiya's grip, his arms holding under my thighs as I grabbed hold of him with a squeak. "Careful, we don't need you getting hurt." He chuckled, my cheeks turning pink as our faces were inches from each other. He had a nice laugh, neither of us even seemed to notice as my legs wrapped around his waist instinctively, having me now almost hanging off him like a koala.

"At least it seems you're always there to save me from my clumsiness so far." I laughed, he looked surprised at my response, blushing slightly as he chuckled.

"Well, I promised your boys I'd help them protect you. I can't let them down now, can I?" He said, closing his eyes  in a smile as I looked at him in surprise this time, not expecting him to have promised such a thing to my boys.. Maybe there's a chance he really is different.. The boys trust him, he's got that snake to keep him from physically harming us, he seems nice enough, and with Dakota still coming to visit to check on us.. I guess, I could at least entertain this little crush I've been developing for this mysterious man. "Maria?" He asked after a moment, looking at me in slight concern.

"Sorry, got kind of distracted there.." I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck as he smiled.

"Don't worry about it." He said, his eyes widening as he realized the position we were in. "Oh, I'm sorry! I should've-" I cut him off with a giggle, he paused in trying to put me down, looking at my smiling face hesitantly.

"You are so lucky my boys like you." I told him, he raised an eyebrow only for his eyes to widen, my lips finding his in a soft and sweet kiss as he froze. I let go of him, standing back on my own feet before chuckling as I walked to the raspberry bushes with a basket, starting to pick the small red berries, as well some wild black raspberries next to the red ones. I looked back to see him staring at me dazed and shocked, if someone could have hearts in their eyes, I'm sure he would right now and it made me giggle. He finally snapped out of it, starting to join me in picking the berries, telling jokes to me and asking questions about me which I answered a little more casually then I thought, though that may have been from how much I was laughing; both at his corny jokes, and at having to stop him from eating all the berries he picked. 

-----------------------------------------

"Thank you for your help." I said as we stepped inside, the baskets of lemons being carried in by Jiraiya as there were, a lot. We placed them on the counter and Jiraiya smiled at me, leaning on the counter as I put the berries in two big bowls with water to wash them, letting them soak for a few minutes before turning to the lemons, getting ready to zest a bunch to freeze for later when I felt arms hesitantly go around my waist, a chin resting on my shoulder.

"It's the least I can do after everything you've done for me." He said softly, I could feel my heart jump, his breath brushing my ear, his large frame leaning over me, his huge hands on my waist. It honestly made my heart pound, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath through my nose. "I've been trying to think of ways to make myself useful around here to you, but I can't seem to think of anything. How do you think I could help out around here for you?" He asked, catching me slightly off guard as I stopped in grabbing a lemon, putting my hand back on the counter and turning in his arms.

"Do you really want to help?" I asked, he looked down at me and chuckled.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." He laughed, my arms slowly going around his waist as I averted my gaze.

"If you're just trying to get on my good side, it's unfortunately working." I mumbled, blushing as he smiled, leaning down to me as he gently turned my face to his.

"Just trying to not feel like such a useless fuck next to such an amazing and beautiful woman." He muttered, grinning slightly as I scoffed in amusement. "What? You don't believe me?" He asked and I raised a brow at him with a smirk, crossing my arms.

"If you're trying to tell me that is the only reason you want on my good side, then yea, I don't believe you." I laughed, he looked mock offended.

"Well, what else is there? All I see is a beautiful woman with two very smart boys who I would love to take away some of the stress from, if it would help her." He mused, hands sliding down to my hips as I blushed, my hands landing on his chest when he pulled me just a little closer.

"Well you seem quite eager to do more then just help me." I said, looking up at him through my lashes as he smiled and sighed.

"Oh, I'd only do that kind of helping if you asked." He said, smirking before he turned a bit more nervous and serious, hesitating before he spoke. "Can I kiss you?" He asked quietly, looking into my eyes as he waited for a response. I bit my lip, suddenly feeling fear at what this could lead to. I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want my boys to get hurt. I looked up at him hesitantly, he noticed my hesitance, his arms wrapping loosely back around my waist as he kissed my forehead, leaning his own forehead on mine as he stared at me.

"I'm scared.. If I let you in, it won't just be me that get's hurt if something goes wrong." I admitted, closing my eyes as I thought about how this could all go wrong very quickly. 

"I swear on my life, Maria. I will never, ever hurt you or Andy, or Devon." Jiraiya declared, his hands now on my cheeks as he looked at me. "Please look at me." He said, my eyes slowly opening to meet his sincere gaze, one I've never seen on a man. It felt like those last 4 words had come straight from his soul and I didn't know what to say. 

"I can't say I believe you whole heartedly yet.. but, I can maybe.. try, to believe you." I said, looking up at him hesitantly. He looked into me with such intensity, I almost wanted to look away, but as his lips got closer to mine, I couldn't turn my gaze.

"That's all I want, to just try." He said, our lips meeting as I felt like sparks were flying all inside me. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer as he slowly deepened the kiss.

God, please don't let me be making a mistake.