#I'm in pain and mad about it

[hylianengineer]

Why do my joints hurt what did i do? I haven't done anything weird lately! (Trick question there's never a logical reason.)

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

"See you tomorrow"

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]

[cassafrasscr]

Because I'm having a bad fucking chronic pain day, and feeling some type of way about it, I'm gonna rant more about Ashton.

Can we talk about how Ashton talks about their pain? Or rather, how he doesn't?

I think Ashton's actually mentioned actively being in pain, like... 3 times in the 86 episodes they've filmed so far? The first time that I can remember is during/immediately after Imogen and FCG delved into their mind and actually experienced what it's like to live in their body.

The second time was in the second episode of the Issylra arc, when the group is packing up to move towards Hearthdell, and Ashton mentions off-hand that he was in pain the night before.

And then the third time was e86. When Ashton collapses after dropping his Titan form, and Orym asks if they're okay, Ashton’s response is along the lines of "I'm fine, it just hurts."

You know what Ashton says a lot more often?

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. We should really take a rest first. Can we please take a fucking rest now?

It seems subtle at first, but as someone who has chronic pain it hits hard. 'Cause most of the time that's exactly what I say.

Because when you're in pain all the time, the healthy/abled/non-chronic-pain-havers around you don't want to hear about it. It makes them uncomfortable.

Being in constant pain and giving voice to it makes you a whiner. A complainer. A wuss. A flake.

Have you tried yoga? Or drinking more water? Or the current fad diet?

So instead, you learn to allude to it in ways that won’t make the ableds uncomfortable. For me, a lot of the time, that takes the form of:

"I'm just really tired."

So, seeing Ashton pushing themself well past their limits to keep up with their friends and doing what the other Hells want - only to end up completely nerfing themself with 2 points of exhaustion... hits very close to home. Especially seeing most of their friends completely disregard their pain until they couldn't anymore.

Orym is really the only one who consistently shows any consideration for their chronic pain - and the boundaries and limitations that go with it. I only had a handful of friends like that when I was younger, and I treasured every single one of them.

As the kid who always got left behind to walk with a chaperone on field trips because I couldn't keep up with the other kids... it brings back a lot of that frustration and hurt to see it playing out like this for Ashton, but also validates it in a way I'm profoundly grateful for.

Anyway. That's all I have to say about that at the moment. I'll climb down off my soapbox now.

(Really slowly though, 'cause my knees are fucking killing me.)

[a-lonely-dunedain]

Meneldir slips away. He is gone.

so. I finally remade this old thing in all the heart-wrenching detail it deserves. I'm sorry, in my defense- I actually don't have a defense.

[scissorcraft]

you are not happy about the state of it!

[lunarharp]

you n me

[pain-is-too-tired]

One thing I like to hc with the Apollo Head Counselors is that they all represent a time of which the sun is out.

Lee - Dawn/Dusk

Mainly dusk, but pretty much imagine him in browns, oranges , dusky yellows and reds and the like.

Michael - Twilight

Starts after the fall of Dusk,short lived. Haralds the start of darkness and but also first light when it falls. The darkess time in which the sun is out. I see him muted/ dark blues,dull browns and blacks. Maybe a touch of greyish pale yellows.

Will - Daylight

Longest lived, bright, it's what most people think about when they think of the sun. With his golden sun kissed hair and sky blue eyes its pretty on the nose. I see him in bright/light yellows and blues.

Idk why I thought of posting this, I just love them and wanted to share my thoughts.

Think it is pretty obvious how I tend to draw them, but it's fun to write it out ^^

[hydrachea]

It's my headcanon as well as @followerofmercy's that the state of Blade's hands makes it difficult to type and text. And so, I present to you, Silver Wolf's solution: pre-written short messages.

[runawaymarbles]

Look if the bugs could just bite me without my arm swelling up it'd be fine, you know? I want to give back to my community! I'm certain the bats appreciate a healthy mosquito population! Unfortunately they insist on leaving behind itchy lumps and the one on my arm seems to be gunning for its own area code. This is why we can't have nice things

[crow-talks-hockey]

surprisingly enough i'm actually not mad about that game. it could be because i was busy and didn't watch the first/second very closely but still. i liked the fight and i loveeeeee how even when we lose we play these fucked up little mind games with our opponents. kind of like game one in winnipeg. we get just close enough to unnerve the shit out of them. should have ultimately played our complete game, obviously, but still this goes to show how good the group we have is. we're also clean. so. fuck dallas and fuck j^mie b3nn; live laugh love the colorado avalanche instead

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Hold on something's just hit me.

If everyone in the Plex were to believe that Gregory dropped Cassie at the end of Ruin to keep himself from being found, whether he did it or not, wouldn't that make Roxy to one most able to understand him?

As Mimic's guard dog, surely she would know the lengths you have to go through to keep that fucker trapped. A whole team of Raceway construction workers went straight to their deaths down there. Roxy won't let the Raceway be repaired and re-opened in order to keep people safe. She's probably been able to see Mimic and its victims through the floor this entire time, she knows what it can do and what it's done, even if she doesn't know the full extent of it.

She's willing to sacrifice her Raceway and Salon to keep people from finding Mimic. Her pride and joys, basically her whole reason for being built in the first place. They're not worth the risk to her.

Whether Gregory sacrificed Cassie to keep Mimic trapped or not, surely Roxy would realise some sort of similarity. She may think doing that to Cassie was too far, she may think he's a monster for even considering it and she may feel as though nothing could justify what he did... But there's a part of her that gets it. The absolute terror that comes at the slightest possibility that Mimic could escape. She gets that sacrifices have to made, fuck she's made those sacrifices herself. She would never have sacrificed someone for this, that's why she ran headfirst at Mimic instead of just sealing the exits again, but there could be that tiny little part of her that feels the need to constantly to remind her that Gregory was trying to do the same thing she was.

The key difference here, is that if Gregory had done it, it would fall in line with almost everything else we've seen him do. The sacrifices he makes, are of other people, and not himself. He sacrificed Roxy, Chica and Monty to upgrade Freddy for his safety and possibly the safety of Vanessa. If he also dropped Cassie, then he's once again sacrificing someone else for the sake of his own safety. Not like he has that much else to lose, but I'm drawing comparisons here.

Roxy on the other hand, sacrifices herself. She sacrificed her Raceway and her Salon for the benefit of both herself and others. Unlike Gregory finding himself in a hopeless situation and hurting others to get out of it, Roxy was given this job (probably) and chose to give up what little she has in the world to keep the situation from happening. Even when Cassie deactivates her and ends up face to face with Mimic, Roxy jumps straight at it to buy her time to escape which could have easily killed her.

So now you have Roxy, who unfortunately does understand Gregory's choice to drop Cassie (if she believes he did it which yeah she probably does) but has absolutely no sympathy for him. She couldn't care less about him. There's potentially a fearful little voice in her head that she's the same as Gregory that fuels her anger towards him even more. She hasn't ever sacrificed someone else to keep the Mimic at bay and she's been doing it for fuck knows how long, what gives Gregory a free pass? Maybe if he hadn't stolen her fucking eyes she would have been able to stop the whole thing from getting that far anyway!

I'm not saying this to frame Gregory as a villain or anything. I don't think he dropped Cassie and I still think it was entirely Freddy's fault for what happened to the others in SB. I just think this is interesting from a character stand point. The one person that could understand the choices they've made to keep Mimic from escaping is each other, but they're both too hateful of each other for it to affect anything... If they were ever to settle their differences, I think it would have to start here. The only common ground they share, is the one thing no one else does.

But Gregory didn't even fucking do it so I bet that goes well lmao

[aquilacalvitium]

Absolutely appalling.

To be able to move my body without pain I have to move it more frequently?

Disgusting.

[theloveinc]

plagued by thoughts of bakugo losing his mind if pregnancy makes you food averse for w/e reason

[nexus-nebulae]

me as a kid: i have all these problems

every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine

me as an adult: i still have all these problems

my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago

[feelingpure]

I'm just remembering that Hawk forgot Tim's birthday, and I am once again spiralling.

Recap/ramble under the cut.

In this essay (lol) I will explain why this hurts me so much. In short; it's because Tim clearly cares a lot about it, and Hawk completely disregards it.

Alright, let's start from the scene at the club near the beginning of the episode, where Marcus and Hawk are talking about the upcoming weekend trip and Hawk confirms that he's going alone but that doesn't mean he'll be alone (okay, so he's planning on being a lil slutty on the trip if no one else goes with him, cool cool cool).

And just before Marcus leaves, he mentions the birthday.

Marcus: And, not that you care, but you missed his birthday. He noticed.

The way Marcus said that part... he noticed. TIM NOTICED. Tim noticed so much that Marcus noticed that Tim noticed. Idk, that line just hurt me, cause I'm just imagining sweet Tim crying over it while face down in his pillows. Not even a secret card, or a message via Mary? No, ofc not. Cause you didn't even realise when it was, did you Hawk?

So the next time Tim and Hawk get to speak alone.

Hawk: I've decided to forgive you. Tim: Forgive me? Hawk: You haven't called in three weeks. Tim: Four.

So it's been about a month since the end of the last episode. Tim knows how long it's been, Hawk doesn't. Interesting... and even though I've kept it in above, I'm not even going to talk about the "I've decided to forgive you." line, cause 😠. And I'm not gonna talk about Hawk trying to hint at (/mock?) Tim's feelings by quoting a line from a love sonnet either; 🖐️😩 we don't have time for all that! (But do go look up 'How Do I Love Thee?' and proceed to sob).

And as Hawk walks off (after telling Tim to meet him in 15 minutes for the drive to the place, after they bumped into each other by chance - definitely did not plan to ask him along, cool cool cool).

Hawk: Oh, and happy birthday.

The way he says this so smug... 😤 and Tim's slightly confused face and little walk away afterwards.

Then at the 'rough trade' bar.

Tim: Is this my birthday present? Hawk: It's more like an education.

Ugh, the way Tim looks around the bar with a face full of glee and excitedly asks if this is his present. 🥺 And Hawk just... nah, let me tell you about what goes on here. Like that's cool, but then no further acknowledgement of Tim's birthday? …Alright, cool cool cool.

Cut to Tim sat at the bar on his own looking at his watch. Then cut to Tim getting accosted by some stranger in the bathroom.

Stranger: Anyone that'd leave you behind doesn't deserve to keep you.

EXACTLY. Anyway... yeah thinking about how in the 1st episode we saw Tim showing Hawk his family photo album; so it's more than safe to say he at least told him his birthday? If not by then, by the episode 2 pillow talk.

I bet Mary, Luis and co. remembered. Marcus clearly knew. But Hawk, who he's the closest with and known for longer? Nope.

The same Hawk who was so confident when he told Tim to drop everything and meet him in 15 minutes, after not speaking to each other for a month. And Tim, who immediately ran to go meet him outside.

These are just the few moments that I remembered them mentioning his birthday, and I went back to watch them while typing this; I don't think it's mentioned again in the episode (but I might be wrong)?

And yes, this was mostly just me needing to get out some of my Hawk rage. The birthday thing might seem small to some, idky but it really made me * jaw clench, sharp exhale * once it clicked that 'he noticed'.

[buttercup-art]

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH OMG OMG OMG-