#I'm just... very tired. i don't wanna live in fear. but that's impossible. my only other option here is death

[daz4i]

man you ever wanna die just so you don't have to deal with the shit that is real life

[butwhatifidothis]

Tumblr is starting to VERY MUCH dislike how long the other reblog chain is getting, so this will be Reblog Chain 2 of my jotting down notes of this fic. Here is the first reblog chain for Chapters 1-20

But it appears as though I was correct in sleeping off Chapter 20, because Chapter 21 is. Hm. bad. Very. Not good.

Chapter 21:

Transcript under the cut:

Chapter 21: It's Called Scars so it Gonna Be Ass

- To be blunt, the constant need to reaffirm that yes, Edelgard went through terrible experimentation and that yes, they were very horrific, is tiring. This is chapter 21. The experiments occurred in chapter 2. Every single chapter between now and then have, at some point, mentioned that INDEED, Edelgard DID in fact go through horrific trauma. It is tiring to the reader to constantly have to reread the same thing - we know it happened. We know it was terrible. There's no need to constantly say so; we already understand as readers.

- "Every time the spark of life broke through Byleth’s blank face, it brought a flickering hope to the Flame Emperor’s heart." ->

- Firstly: Awkward use of the Flame Emperor epithet (its usage is on and off with how appropriate its been - this is off).

- Secondly: Once again, Byleth's face was rarely if ever blank. She was never the Ashen Demon, as even the last chapter showcased. The author is mistaking reservation with emotionlessness, which is simply wrong

- "There had been so many empty days and nights, without friendship, love or joy. With nothing to hope for, except someday, the peace of the grave." -> Suicidal tendencies: another trait that Edelgard doesn't have... (strikes against canon: 89)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 12

- "Dimitri, too, was troubled by the thought, grasping the side of his head and frowning. As the spasm passed, he turned to Edelgard and smiled warmly." -> It seems a little callous to so casually toss Dimitri's symptoms into his interactions with others when such things simply don't occur in the canon interactions. It's not impossible, or strictly against canon, but it does not feel natural; it's more as though the author is shining bright neon signs that say DIMITRI HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES than a genuine attempt at writing Dimitri's mental health issues. This is not the first time this sort of seemingly thoughtless showcasing of symptoms has happened (Noted separately: Dimitri having drastic mood swings)

- "No, this world must be ruled by humans…not cruel gods who ignored the prayers of little girls." -> This statement follows Edelgard internally chastising the actions of not gods, but the Children of the Goddess. This is a weaselly attempt at dodging Edelgard's racist beliefs that Nabateans should not be allowed positions of power by shifting the belief to apply to miscellaneous gods instead. While not inaccurate per se - she does also canonically believe that gods should have no power in human affairs - it is not honest

- "Byleth nodded with childlike simplicity. “We should all try to get along.”" -> Again describing Byleth as childlike and/or innocent. Counter: 3

- For those curious: yes, the rat scene is implemented, yes it is sloppy, yes it is out of character for Claude - so much so that it is being noted separately - and yes it is forced to all hell

- What will be noted here, however, is that this is yet another instance of a man being demeaned/humiliated for the honor of a woman. See quote: "Byleth was on him in an instant, a tempest forming in the sea of her blue eyes. “That isn’t funny.” She crossed her arms sternly. “Jokes are about bringing people together...about making them smile. Right now, the only person laughing is you.”" with Claude reacting awkwardly. Once again, Man Bad Woman Good

- In a showcasing of a complete lack of self-awareness within the fic: "“Maybe if you’d have taught the Deer instead…but since you seem to have no ambitions outside of cleaning up Edelgard’s messes…”" -> This is Claude being portrayed as the bad guy, not the one being completely and utterly right

- " She slapped Edelgard on the back, and smiled heartily. “I agree, Dimitri!” Edelgard grimaced, trying to hide the fact her teacher had just struck the wound she had received during the mock battle." -> As well as where undoubtedly countless scars would be, yes? Scars that still cause Edelgard pain? In fact, Edelgard has been slapped on the back by Byleth and Jeralt numerous times before, and yet expresses no pain or discomfort.

- Another thing, that I had not noted though ought to have: Edelgard, a victim of sexual assault (in this fic), rarely seems to mind people touching her. She gets a little surprised if someone tries to get her attention with touch, yes, but Byleth's constant unprompted and random touching of Edelgard is never said to do anything but bring warmth and joy and comfort to Edelgard. It seems as though Edelgard suffering through sexual assault is just another source of trauma for the author to dump onto her for nothing more than pity points

- This is incredibly harsh to say, yes, and I would usually refrain from attributing such harshness onto a piece of text, but remember that Edelgard's scars only cause her pain when it's convenient, that she only experiences headaches when it's convenient, that she experiences PTSD episodes (when Claude mentions the rat) when it's convenient (note that in this fic he does it outside of battle, where her getting triggered wouldn't compromise her chances at victory). Edelgard not being touch averse and being a victim of sexual assault are not inherently something bad - survivors react to trauma differently, after all - but it is another in a steadily longer line of instances where Edelgard is simply given trauma for the sake of making her pitiable to the reader and the love interest, not something that Edelgard genuinely has to struggle with.

- "As Claude and Dimitri looked at their classmate expectantly, Edelgard was wracked with another bout of guilt. Deep in her soul, the princess knew these peaceful days would end soon. When that happened, no feast or vows of friendship could make up for the chaos and horror she would unleash. It would be better to pull away, close off her heart, rather than fuel the flames of her inevitable betrayal." -> Aka, "Feel bad for me, I feel guilty for planning to cause the death and ruination of countless innocents' lives all because I convinced myself that my way is the only way to get things done my way without ever actually trying to see if more peaceful ways could have worked. I'm going to orphan children, force families to fight each other, have the land be rampaged by banditry, and overall bring chaos onto these days that I ADMIT ARE PEACEFUL all because I feel that my way would be better. Wah wah pity me but I don't wanna be pitied I promise wah wah."

- "Byleth shrugged with a characteristic blend of innocence and spirit. “I guess I just like winning.” She began to blush and grabbed Edelgard’s hand. "It's so exciting! I’ve never had anyone other than Papa to celebrate with before!”" -> Byleth = innocent/childlike. Counter: 4

- The fic likes to reaffirm again and again that Byleth is "now" only acting like this due to Edelgard's presence in her life. Note also these statements written previously: "Every day, [Edelgard] was watching the person she loved grow and change. Become who she always was supposed to be." This, perhaps unintentionally, again enforces the "Lesbian Love is Pure and Innocent" trope; these wlw are only allowed to be their good girl, innocent selves - who they were always supposed to be - due to the pure lesbian love they have found with one another

- Count Bergliez didn't know of the experiments initially, but he eventually found out and did nothing to stop them, fleeing from a young and tortured El who was pleading for him to save her - Unnecessarily painting Count Bergliez as a spineless coward too afraid of Duke Aegir to save a child in pain

- Once again, a man fails to save a woman and further traumatizes her

- It should be noted that Bergliez is fearful not for his own life, but for that of his children, who were the ones Duke Aegir threatened. He, very similar to Ionius, cannot save Edelgard, except Bergliez (unlike Ionius) has a tangible, physical, explainable reason as to why he couldn't, and yet it is him who is painted as the bad guy, not Ionius. He is worthy of Edelgard's scorn and hatred, but Ionius only receives a begrudging feeling of betrayal from Edelgard that she feels guilty for harboring, even though he failed her far more than Bergliez failed her.

- "Daughters must always be loyal to their fathers" trope

- "No decent person thought the things Edelgard did. Just as her body had been twisted and shattered by the experiments, her mind bore terrible scars. Scars that the monster kept hidden, so she could walk in the world of men." -> Dehumanizing oneself as a monster as well as having violent thoughts (that specifically stem from trauma) one feels guilty for harboring are not traits Edelgard shows in canon... (strikes against canon, 90, 91)

- ...but Dimitri does. Counter: 13, 14

- "world of men?" Did the author perhaps mean "world of man," as in mankind? Keep note of

- The reason as to why Bergliez is said to have witnessed young El's tortured state and did nothing to help her is revealed: in canon, he dislikes her. It is blatantly and objectively said that he and Edelgard share a mutual displeasure in the other's company. What this fic had him do will be used as an excuse as to why he doesn't hate her, since no one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Edelgard, upon being asked if revenge is the reason she is doing what she's doing (reuniting Fodlan): "“No.” Edelgard put her hand to her chin thoughtfully. “I think for a long time, it was…but after a while, I realized that revenge wouldn’t satisfy me.” She looked at the blue sky above. “After you go through that much suffering…when you beg for help, day after day, and no one cares...you realize that nothing will ever truly make you feel safe again. The only thing I want is for this madness to end.”" -> This is internally inconsistent. See chapter 15 note: ""You know why they created me in the first place.” / “To reunite Fódlan,” spat Hubert. “It was all my father talked about.” / “And I will give it to them. "" This directly connects Edelgard's want to reunite Fodlan to the wants of her tormenters (as this states she is doing it out of spite). Note how Hubert spits at the idea of reuniting Fodlan, and how it was all his father - portrayed as a villain - talked about. This is not what this Edelgard wants, at least not of her own independent want. Earlier in this very chapter, Edelgard internally states a want to hurt Bergliez for leaving her behind. To say that she now no longer thinks vengeance would satisfy her, or that none of the reason that she is doing everything she does is out of a want for revenge, is ridiculous

- Edelgard to Bergliez, upon being asked what will happen to him and his family should Edelgard rise to power: "“All those who distinguish themselves will be rewarded. Given your history, I have little doubt you will be among them.” She nervously played with her white gloves. “All I ask is that when I seize back control of the throne, I can count on the military’s support.”" -> Yes, all who distinguish themselves to Edelgard, for Edelgard's cause, that Edelgard can see and/or know of. How likely is it that a poor farmer who is exceptional at fighting will actually be noticed by Edelgard and be given the credit he deserves, when others who may not be as meritable but do have some merit have the connections to show themselves directly in front of Edelgard? What means will Edelgard give the poor soldiers (that she or Byleth aren't already friends with, notably Dorothea and Leonie) that will allow them to be able to be seen by her and have their merits recognized? Edelgard is the one who says who gains power after all, so it is her they must prove themselves to, but how can they realistically do that?

- What about professions that are not immediately beneficial to Edelgard's cause, such as the arts? How will they fare in Edelgard's society, when their works and talents yield no tangible, objective results (such as, say, farming)?

- Something the fic will address?

- Edelgard does not nervously do anything in front of those she is trying to negotiate with in canon, not even Thales. Strikes against canon: 92

- "[Bergliez] could only laugh in response. “I think we’re going to get along rather well, my lady…and the other?”" -> Except Bergliez and Edelgard don't get along well, ever. Pre ts they are stated to dislike each other, which continues even onto post ts with Bergliez being the only noble Edelgard couldn't bring to heel. Strikes against canon: 93

- As predicted: No one is allowed to dislike Edelgard on the "good" side

- Literally forgot Hubert was with Edelgard and Bergliez lmao

- Ionius tried to consolidate power to be rid of the consort system due to his unending love for Anselma -> A ridiculous idea, plain and simple. Ionius was Emperor. If he wished to be rid of the consort system there was no need for him to try and take away all power from the other Imperial houses.

- If Ionius truly loved Anselma, why did he allow her to be exiled from the Empire? Why didn't he step in and use his influence as Emperor to help her?

- Edelgard, when she is Emperor - passed down a supposedly empty crown, at that - showcases the all-encompassing power the title of Emperor truly holds to one willing to use that power. That Ionius supposedly wanted to do all of these reforms and yet nothing at all was done, ever (save for ruining Houses Hrym and Ordelia, something even this fic has as canon), if Ionius did want to make these reforms, means that he was too spineless and cowardly to truly go through with trying to pass them. This again unintentionally showcases how awful a ruler and weak-willed a person Ionius was when he had power when trying to paint him in this righteous light.

- Lambert was stated to be trying to pass reforms before he died in canon, not Ionius. From parents to the children, the author is attributing traits from Lambert onto Ionius just as he (author's confirmed gender is male) attributes traits from Dimitri onto Edelgard

- " Her father and mother…she had thought their romance a fairy tale-a story from her father to make a motherless child feel valued. But…they truly had loved each other." -> Edelgard does believe Ionius when he told her of the story of when he and Anselma (supposedly) met each other. There is nothing to indicate that Edelgard thought it to be a lie: in fact, in canon: "But I choose to believe there was genuine love between them." Strikes against canon: 94

- It seems as though finally, after around 18 chapters, Edelgard's scars will finally cause her genuine inconvenience due to her complex about them as well as her trust issues. She has a gash on her back from the Battle of Eagle and Lion, but will not have it treated if Manuela isn't the healer, and yet the woman is occupied dealing with the rest of the students who were injured. How will this fic deal with this?

- Ingrid, referring to her and Sylvain: ""We just switched from Felix lecturing us all day to listening to Edelgard moralizing, didn’t we?"" -> The author is trying to compare a childhood friend whose friends have had years to get used to their barbed tongue to a stranger that directly insults the dreams of one of them. Something which Ingrid canonically hates having be done to her, even from Felix, a childhood friend. Once again, Ingrid being so casual about Edelgard being so disrespectful of her dreams is out of character. Strikes against canon: 95

- "Sylvain shook his head knowingly, ignoring Felix’s truly alarming scowl. “You should have seen his face, Edelgard. Dimitri would go on and on about this girl he met when he was a kid…and Felix would complain about her for hours!” He looked at Felix and smiled. “For all his whining about the “Boar,” nobody loves Dimitri more than him.”" -> Oh? A romantic gay male relationship presenting itself within the fic?

- Another vision of SS experienced by Edelgard. Word from a nameless guard: "The woman, Byleth, leading their forces... She’s not human! She killed half my battalion with one swing of that sword of hers. She didn’t speak, she didn’t shout, she didn’t even change her expression!” The panicked man was teetering on the edge of hysteria. “All those people rallying around her, and it’s like she doesn’t care at all. Like she's a walking corpse!"" -> Obviously saying that Byleth becomes the Ashen Demon if not allowed to be with Edelgard.

- Unintentional statement: Byleth can't be the pure innocent (lesbian) woman without Edelgard's (lesbian) love granting her purity, reverting her to a monstrous, corrupt demon incapable of humanity

- See chapter 20 note: "Implying that choosing SS - aka, choosing the Nabateans - makes Byleth less human. Intentional?" Confirmed to be intentional. Also false: in canon, even when accounting for CF's lesser chapter count, Byleth emotes far more on SS than on CF, which matches with CF having Edelgard call Byleth detached in their A support. Strikes against canon: 96

- The same nameless soldier, same context: "And those Faerghus kids…” / Edelgard leaned forward in her chair. “Ingrid…Sylvain…what of them?” / “They…they were animals. Screaming and ranting about revenge for the King.” -> Is the author really demonizing Sylvain and Ingrid for (potentially!) being mad at Edelgard for murdering one of their childhood friends? Is that really the depths the Edelgard worship will sink to, that friends becoming enraged at a friend's unjust murder from a warlord is being portrayed as something sad for the warlord? Just what else should Edelgard be pitied for?

- "The scared girl desperately tried to drown out the thoughts that reverberated incessantly. / They’re going to despise us…it’s destiny. And how could they not? If we were truly good, the Goddess would have saved us…protected us. But She didn’t. The Goddess took Mother. She took our family. And soon, She’ll take everything else we love. She hates us. / It’s what we deserve." - Now confirmed that Edelgard hears multiple voices in her head tormenting her. That trait that, once again, Edelgard does not have... (Strikes against canon: 97)

- ...but Dimitri does. This is the third time this chapter that this has happened, and far from the only chapter to display such baffling characterization of Edelgard via Dimitri's traits. It is nonsensical.

- " Why had [Edelgard] even been born at all? Nonexistence would have been preferable to watching every faint dream be dashed, to suffering alone over and over. She was just…so tired of being alive." -> Once. Again. Suicidal tendencies/thoughts is not a trait Edelgard shows in canon... (Strikes against canon: 98)

- ...but Dimitri does. The fourth! The fourth time in one chapter the author desperately wanted to just write Dimitri!

- If the fic wanted to take Edelgard in a different direction than canon does and has her display some of these traits, it would be more passable, but this fic is under the delusion that it is in any way following canon closely, especially in regards to Edelgard, and so this can only be seen as a desperate attempt from the author to have Edelgard be sympathetic by donning the skin of an actually sympathetic character such as Dimitri

- "Edelgard looked at herself in the mirror. The back of her academy uniform was stained red, the rhythmic, soft dripping of blood assaulting the princess’ ears." -> And no one commented on this? No one was worried? Not Ingrid, Sylvain, and Felix, who were sitting right by her? Not Lysithea, who saw her take the blow to her back and never get it healed? Not Dimitri, who delivered the blow? It just so happened that literally no one at all noticed this?

- Byleth literally slapped Edelgard on the back earlier? Wouldn't her hand come back red with blood if it were seeping through the uniform?

** The scene that follows the previous note is too long to quote, despite how truly terrible it is. Long quotes, even extremely long quotes, have been presented in these notes before, but the length this quotation would be if the full extent of it were written here would be a mess, and quite frankly, at that point it would do one better to simply go to the fanfiction itself and read the text from there. With the context received from these notes, if one wishes to see the words for themselves, go to chapter 21 of The Emperor and the Goddess, enter Ctrl + F (or Find in Page on mobile devices), and enter the phrase "Byleth crossed her arms, clearly frustrated" verbatim. The following note will not be quoting the entire scene from the fic (merely summarizing it), though context is needed to understand how truly bad the scene is. **

- To have hope in this fic performing anything correctly is proving to be a fool's dream, for it has yet to do anything right; that includes the aforementioned gash upon Edelgard's back. As stated, it did not draw the attention of those who were sitting around her nor did it draw the attention of the one who witnessed the injury itself, nor of the one who delivered the injury itself, so no one commented on the gaping, bleeding wound Edelgard was "hiding" from everyone as she turned her (bleeding) back to them and left for the baths to clean up (it must be heavily stressed: immediately after leaving it is revealed that the blood is seeping through her uniform). As she was washing - naked, of course - Byleth just so happened to step into the baths with only a towel wrapped around her "for modesty," much to the horror of Edelgard, for she does not want Byleth seeing her scarred body. A slight argument arises between the two over Edelgard getting her injuries checked, before Byleth warns Edelgard that she will go to Rhea and force her to go to the infirmary should Edelgard continue to refuse treatment, which drives Edelgard past the brink. She raises her arms from the bathwater and presents her scars (""Fine!... If you want to see so badly, here!""), to the horror of Byleth ("Byleth Eisner was not a woman given to strong emotional reactions, but she staggered back, hands over her mouth."). Edelgard cries in hysteria, fear of her beloved teacher running away in disgust over her ugly, mutilated body overwhelming her. But Byleth, childlike in her innocence, shared that she too is scarred in strange ways, and that she too is scared of failing those around her - that she has no ambitions save to help and protect those around her. Byleth reveals that it is Edelgard whom Byleth looks up to for always being so strong and always moving forward, and shows that without Edelgard Byleth wouldn't know how to handle the pressure everyone else puts on her. The exchange ends with Byleth reassuring Edelgard that she is beautiful and not the monster she thinks she is.

- There is no nice way of putting this: this is a classic example of how not to write someone opening up to another about something. Edelgard views herself as weak, ugly, repulsive, a monster, shameful, but it is Byleth's love and affection that gives her comfort and warmth, that gives her hope of something more. It forces Byleth to behave wildly out of character (the author can try to excuse this with "well she wouldn't normally behave like this!" all he wants, it doesn't matter when it goes against the base, canonical Byleth. Strikes against canon: 99) in order for Edelgard's scarred body to be seen as something that is repulsive, that is ugly, that is stained, so much so that the pure, childlike, innocent Byleth couldn't stand to see something so tainted. And yet it is that same pure, childlike, innocent Byleth's pure, innocent, childlike love that pushes away the pain of Edelgard's scars for just that moment. Other characters become suddenly blind and/or forgetful of Edelgard's obvious, bleeding wound so that it is Byleth who can be the one to save Edelgard with her pure, innocent, childlike presence and her pure, innocent, childlike uncertainty about her own insecurities (but only when it is convenient for Edelgard, as even Byleth didn't noticed the gaping, bleeding wound until she was alone with Edelgard where no one could interrupt their bonding moment). This scene is inorganic and forced, ham-fisting Edelgard and Byleth in the same room - the wash room, where both are either naked or nearly naked - so that Byleth is the one to find Edelgard, no one else. No one was worried enough about the sudden exit Edelgard took from the conversation she was having to follow her and make sure she was alright, and Byleth just so happened to enter the baths right after Edelgard. The scene is, to be frank, insulting.

- There have been a couple of joking references to a book titled Stones to Abigail in these notes, but in all seriousness, this scene plays unsettlingly similar to a scene in said book, where a scarred girl who is naked reveals her "ugly" and "revolting" scarred body to the love interest, who goes on to soothe and comfort the naked girl as best they can. The resemblance is uncanny

- Byleth described as childlike/innocent. Counter: 5

- Edelgard, in canon, never expresses feeling herself to be ugly, or repulsive, or a monster. Strikes against canon: 100

- Again, Edelgard's scars are only important when they are convenient - this time, in helping develop the romantic relationship between her and Byleth

- There are ways in which scars can be utilized without being problematic, but certainly not when this much focus is placed on them and yet they are only truly present when they cannot hinder Edelgard.

- Perhaps particularly insulting is this phrase from Edelgard: "Did she actually love Byleth at all, or just being saved by her?" Yes, Edelgard, you do simply want to be saved by Byleth, because that is precisely what the narrative has been drilling into the reader's heads ever since Byleth showed herself. Byleth is Edelgard's light, Byleth is Edelgard's hope, Byleth gives Edelgard back her humanity, Byleth is Edelgard's one source of joy, Byleth is Edelgard's entire life, and nothing, absolutely nothing in this fic has shown this to ever be a bad thing. This dependence on Byleth to bring Edelgard joy at the near complete expense of everyone else has been propped up as something romantic, and yet it's now, 21 chapters and over 85K+ words in, that we're supposed to believe that this was actually Edelgard being unhealthy? Even though the author himself said that this was what he enjoyed about their relationship, how much they found each other in each other? Even though we see what the author thinks would happen to the two of them should they separate - Edelgard, lonely and afraid without her beloved teach, and Byleth, the Ashen Demon who cares for nothing without her beloved student - in her visions of SS? This is a joke

- It cannot be overstated that Byleth came to the bathhouses completely independently of Edelgard. She did not come to specifically see her because she followed her out of worry for Edelgard due to her injury - she only knows that Edelgard's injured in the first place due to seeing bloody bandages that Edelgard removed in the bathhouse, before Byleth arrived.

- Author's notes: "On Bergliez, we find out very little in-game, but he 1) offers himself for execution so his men can go free in SS and 2) seems to be actually competent at his job. I thought a nuanced portrayal was more interesting, since I've been writing Aegir as the absolute worst person in the world." -> Note: this is what the author believes to be a nuanced take on someone. Someone who likes Edelgard entirely and does nearly whatever they can to help her, but they did one thing that's morally gray (leaving a child behind to save his own children from the same fate) that is portrayed as objectively bad, so now they are nuanced. While perhaps this sort of character would be truly nuanced in better hands, as it is with his actions being portrayed as something that is obviously so completely and utterly wrong and him someone who deserves complete and utter condemnation - and yet Ionius, who does far worse for far less understandable reasons, gets a comparative slap on the wrist - it causes confusion as to Edelgard's lines. Bergliez seeing her the one time and never helping her is enough for her to want to hurt him as she was hurt, but her father repeatedly coming to and "being forced" to watch her actively be tortured and doing nothing does little to invoke similar depths of resentment? Even granting the idea that "she gives more slack to her father," Ionius is objectively and far worse than Bergliez, down to doing hard things to protect their children, and yet it is only Bergliez who is shined in this unpleasant a light

- To be clear, Bergliez's decision was not a good one, but understandable. It is a gray decision to make. But notice how he is called "gray" and "nuanced" and yet Ionius is nearly completely innocent, as described by the author himself, despite their being no given explaination as to why "he was a figurehead" should be a good enough reason to wash him literally standing there and watching as his children - some of whom aren't even teens yet - get slowly tortured and killed.

- "There are many localization changes I understand (Byleth wanting to get drunk after the battle is one of them), but Treehouse's decision to remove Ionius' entire reason for power centralization (eliminating the consorts) was a big, big mistake." -> Given the history of this author's grasp on the Japanese language, this needs to be checked, as he cannot be trusted as a source as to whether this is true

******* Notes of Claude mischaracterization: Chapter 21, section 1, paragraphs 1, 21 & 23, 27 *******

[theautumnisnoble]

we'll learn to swim in the oceans you made

After listening to Shirtsleeves by Ed Sheeran this scenario immediately came into mind, also heavily inspired by Jenn Im's pregnancy youtube video titled, "We're Pregnant!"

[Also a very big thank you to A (@solhwippedsubs on twt and holdoutandwin on ao3) for beta-reading this. I love you my solhwi fluff confidant!]

Word Count: 2k words

"Wake up!" Sol removes the comforter that was covering his husband's body and started shaking him. "Han Joon Hwi, ireona!"

"Mmm, Sol-ah. Why?" Joon Hwi covered his eyes with his arm to shield them from the rays of sunlight and wondered why the love of his life was forcing him out of their bed so early in the morning.

"Ireona! Jebal.." Joon Hwi immediately shot up as Sol's voice started to crack and he examined her face. Sol teared up and Joon Hwi noticed she was holding something tightly, stick close to snapping into half.

"Babe, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Joon Hwi held both of her arms and looked up at her.

Sol had been so emotional these days, well, more than she usually is. Sol always has been a passionate ball of fury, but Joon Hwi especially had it rough this week. He doesn't find Sol annoying or tiring for any of that matter, but he would wonder why Sol would suddenly cry or get mad at him for absolutely no reason, and if there was, then he avoided asking it as when he did that one time, Sol only got more mad at him. There was also yesterday when Joon Hwi sprayed on himself the perfume that Sol gifted to him on their wedding anniversary last April and Sol suddenly pinched her nose close and walked outside of their bedroom. And now, Sol was in tears, sobbing, at 7 am in the morning.

"Babe.. I'm starting to worry. What's wrong?"

"I told you to be careful!!!" Sol lightly punched his shoulder and bawled.

Joon Hwi raised his arm and wiped her tears using the sleeves of his sweater, pulling on the cloth with his fingers. "What did I do wrong? Calm down for a sec and tell me.."

"Don't tell me to calm down!"

"O-okay." Joon Hwi surrendered for a while and let Sol release all of her emotions. Moments later, her sobs started to simmer down and Joon Hwi opened his arms wide. "C'mere."

Sol bended down and let Joon Hwi's arms circle around her. Her lower body slowly went closer to him and then she sat on his lap, her shoulder against his chest. Joon Hwi wiped down the dampness on her face and caressed her arm. "Now, babe, talk to me, okay? I'm never gonna know what I did wrong if you won't tell me."

Sol faced him and tried to form intelligent words. "Well, you—"

"Hmm?"

"I'm—" Her mouth started to form into a pout and tears started fall again from her eyes. "Joon Hwi-ah." She released sobs again and buried her face into his neck. Joon Hwi sighed and patted her arm.

"Babe—"

"I'm pregnant."

Joon Hwi paused his movements and pulled his head back away, lightly pushing Sol by her shoulders, to let Sol face him. Sol's eyes wandered down to her left hand and Joon Hwi followed them, then he grabbed the stick from her hand.

It was a pregnancy test. Two red-dyed lines. Positive.

Joon Hwi faced Sol, his lips starting to form into a smile. "Babe—"

"I told you to be careful!!" Sol again whimpered, tears still falling.

"W-what? Is it because I—"

"Nevermind!" Sol wiped her tears in a rash way and breathed out to calm herself down. "I-it's actually not your fault." Sol now realized the irrationality of her internal reasoning.

Joon Hwi held back a chuckle and tucked a hair behind his wife's ear.

"Remember April?"

"When we shared a sloppy kiss under the rain?" Joon Hwi tried to lighten the mood by reminding her how they had to walk all the way to the bus stop under the heavy pouring rain, just right after they had their wedding anniversary date at a fine dining restaurant four months ago. It was a funny, but sweet memory.

"No! Before that, when I got diagnosed with PCOS."

"Aah."

It left Sol and Joon Hwi almost hopeless for a child when she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. But Sol, even before that, was convinced she didn't need to have kids and that she was satisfied with her life with Joon Hwi, content that they'd be that couple with no children. They were already busy with their very time-demanding jobs and Sol— she convinced herself she wouldn't be competent with the whole mothering a child thing. But after knowing her condition, the question, "should I?" turned to "could I?". The condition that would possibly rob her of the choice eventually made her think about how it wouldn't be so bad, because Joon Hwi was there. So after the news of her condition, she decided on one thing.

"A-after that I got off birth control." Joon Hwi nodded and listened to Sol, who was still tearing up a bit, and he also wiped down those tears when he could.

"Then yesterday, when I realized I wasn't on my period yet, I got to read my period calculator and saw that I- I was 16 days late." Sol exhaled for courage.

"Then I bought the pregnancy test." Sol paused and looked at Joon Hwi, and her face looked like she was about to burst again. Her lips were shaking and her eyes were still crystal with tears ready to fall. She was scared.

"You can take it slow, I'll be here. I won't stop listening." Sol released a small smile, tidied her face and tucked in her stray hairs, preparing to tell Joon Hwi more while also now trying to relax herself.

"I didn't know if I should take it though. I mean, everything would change if I was pregnant. But I did wanna know, I wanted to be certain. And it said that I should use my morning pee for it so I waited until morning."

"But you hardly even slept.." Joon Hwi recalls her wife tossing and turning beside him, and then ultimately giving up trying to sleep then went downstairs. He bets on Sol reading up on her cases, which works as an alternative sleeping pill for her.

Ever since she was diagnosed with PCOS, Sol really took effort into having a more healthy lifestyle— like exchanging coffee for matcha, this among other things, and also trying to get some more sleep. So Joon Hwi knew that Sol would definitely try to catch up on sleep.

"I did, a bit." She smiled. "So, after that I took it just earlier. A-and I tested positive." Sol's emotions now returned to her and she closed her eyes, her eyebrows furrowed and tears started to fall again.

"I'm scared." She looked at him. "I don't know if I'm gonna be a good mother. I feel like I should be happy or something, but I'm just really scared." Sol now covered her face with both palms and cried, Joon Hwi pulled her in to embrace her.

"Babe.." He patted her back.

"What if I try my best, and our kid still doesn't love me?" That was it. Sol released another wave of sobs and her body shook against Joon Hwi's embrace.

Sol thought she wasn't ready. Even if it was her choice to get off birth control, she didn't think she would immediately become pregnant. After all, her doctor said it was now almost impossible to be. In her mind, pregnancy would change everything— from how much devotion she has to her work to maybe how her and Joon Hwi's relationship would change, and maybe for the worst. And she didn't like change, her idealistic plans for her future would need to be altered, and she also didn't like how it would most likely change their marriage. She couldn't have that, she couldn't live with a ruined marriage because she didn't want anything to change between Joon Hwi and her, and she also couldn't live with her child possibly having to live through all that. And what if he gets tired of taking care of me? And tons of other doubts and insecurities showered her.

Why does my mind do this? Sol asked herself. Why can't I just be excited? Joon Hwi is the father of this child. I'm sure he's disappointed in me right now.

Joon Hwi pulled away after she calmed down. He wiped her face, again with his already damp shirtsleeves. He placed short kisses on her wet cheeks and cupped her face. "Sol, I believe in you."

Sol melted and her lips turned into a pout, her face still showing fear and uncertainty.

"I'm with you, whatever your decision is. I will be always there for you as I always have. If you arrive to whichever decision, I will give you my opinion but at the end I will always support you. If you don't want to have the baby, I'll still be here. If you want to try and see it through the end, I will be happy and help you every step of the way. I'm your husband Sol-ah. I know you don't trust yourself that much yet, but trust in me. "

Sol put her arms around him and hugged him tight. "I love you Sol. We'll take it slow, step by step. I know you're panicking right now, but there's no rush. We'll do it together. You're never gonna be alone. I'll be there every single step of the way. And I'm sure our kid will love you. You were an amazing older sister to Byeol and you still are, she adores you so I'm sure our kid will, too."

"I love you Joon Hwi. I love you so much. I love you."

"You love me that much?"

Sol pulled away, annoyed. Joon Hwi released a chuckle.

"I love you too."

"You sure I can do it?" Sol asked. "Being a mom? What if I'm going to be too busy for it?"

"We can always ask Byeol to babysit. Or your mom, she has said she already wants a grandchild."

"You always know the solution to things don't you?" Sol rolled her eyes.

"That's why I'm the perfect husband to the ever worrier Eomma Sol."

"Eomma Sol?" Sol raised her voice, taken aback by the sudden nickname.

"And I'm Appa Joon Hwi. " Then Sol bursted out, laughing. Her tears were now drying on her cheeks and she was more relaxed now.

"See? It's cute." I just wanted to see you smile. Joon Hwi thought.

Sol pulled him into a hug again. "You better not regret being a father to our child, Han Joon Hwi-ssi."

Joon Hwi let himself fall into bed, taking down Sol with her. They both laughed and Joon Hwi pulled her into a kiss, tasting the bitterness and sadness of her tears. They made out, feeling at home and Sol, feeling assured and loved by the person in front of her. Joon Hwi kissed her, tasting the ocean, drowning in the one she made.

"I will never regret it. I will fulfill all the promises I made on our wedding day, to be by your side, To support you, to be a loving husband, to be always there to annoy you—" Sol laughed, remembering his one-liner during their exchange of wedding vows. "To always wake and sleep beside you whenever I can, and to never leave your side." They both smiled at each other and Joon Hwi placed a kiss on her forehead. They pull each other close, feeling each other's warmth. And Sol is now close to slumber, fatigued after her nonstop crying.

"I'll be the happiest father to our child. Of course I will, you're the mother, after all."

[ablackfangirlwrites]

72 hours

When you find out you only have 72 hours left to live and you only want to spend it with one person

Keigo | Hawks

"Hey, Kid."

Keigo said walking into your hospital room.

"....hi..."

Keigo tilted his head sympathetically usually when he called you kid you'd pout and argue that he wasnt that much older then you

But instead you gave him a weak smile

"Aw, whatever it was it couldn't have been that bad." He teased you.

The two of you had been friends for years

Keigo wanted to see you give him a real smile

When he first started being a hero thats when the two of you met

It actually was an accident

He was chasing a villain through a crowd and the villain decided to use you as a distraction by throwing you in the street

And he saved you

Once the fiasco was over you had found him and thanked him for saving you

And from then on the two of you hit it off

But only as friends

You knew he was a busy hero he didnt have time for a girlfriend besides the two of you were only friends

Plus there were so many girls that wanted him too

So what could you offer? It was easier to just stay his friend

And he had the same thought pattern more or less

Just stay your friend that way he could be close to you

Better he stay your friend then potentially mess up something by being in a relationship with you and you guys have a bad break up

"I'm gonna die Keigo..."

You told keigo trying to keep your from crying

But it wasnt working your were in tears

"What?" Keigo frowned walking further to your bedside

Eailer that day you happened to be close to a villain attack and ended up getting hit by their quirk in the crossfire

Whiched landed you in the hospital

And from what the doctors and police had told you apparently the villain that they were chasing was very dangerous and had a life shortening quirk

"They said I have 72 hours to live..."you sobbed

When you told keigo that he already figured out what had happened to you

And for the first time in his life he felt truly devastated

You were the first friend he had since he left from all his training from the commission

You were the first person he was ever in love with

And you were gonna die

"I dont wanna die keigo." He could hear the fear in your voice

"You're not gonna die Y/n," he tried to consoled you "I will figure this out, I wont let you die."

He was about to get up and leave but you quickly grabbed his hand

"Please don't leave me."

You weren't close to your family and Keigo was the only person you had left

"Y/n...I cant sit here and watch you die...I have to figure something out."

"The doctors already said there was no cure....the police said the same thing everyone that villain hit died three days later and I know you know that."

He did know it

The villain that hit you was on everyone's radar and he had killed a lot of people

And now all he could do was be angry that he wasnt the one who caught him

Cause if he was you wouldn't be in this situation

He knew there were so many attempts to stop the casualties from dying but none had worked

The two of you sat in silence for a while neither of you knowing what to do or say

Finally keigo spoke up, "What do you wanna do?"

Trying to suppress a cry, you'd whispered, "everything."

Up until now your life hadn't been that eventful

Yes you went out with friend and had good times but there was still so much you didnt do

Hawks sighed, "fine then we'll do everything."

"Hawks that impossible I dont-"

"We will do everything we can for the next 72 hours." He cut you off

"What?"

"We're going to do everything. Everything and more whatever you wanted to do in your life we'll do for the next three days." He told you.

You protested but keigo wasnt having it

He got and started to pull you up with him

"I wont let you go dying sad and alone in bed. We're going to take these next three days and live."

The two of you would do just that too

He'd take you everywhere he could too you'd see all the big sight of your city you lived in but never had the time to go see

He take you to eat all the food you ever wanted to try

Everything that you wanted he provided

And you enjoyed it as much as you could on the first day

By the second day you were so tired from all the excitement you wanted to stay home but Hawks insisted that you didnt

Things were bittersweet but the two of you were making the most of it

On the second days evening you were at a bar and you got into talk about all the other things in life you really wanted

"I wanted to get married you know Keigo..."

He would just listen to you

"I wanted to get married and live in a little apartment with my husband and just kiss him when he left for work and be so happy when I saw him come back. We'd be so in love... I wanted to have children too...I mean at least one" you were smiling as tears started to fall you wanted that life with him but you knew it was unlikely and now you knew it would never happen

"But I wont get any of that cause some stupid villain..."

"Then marry me?" Keigo said

You laughed but keigo grabbed your hand

"Marry me f/n? In the morning let's do it."

"Keigo-"

"I can't give you any children, but shit-" keigo had been feeling so many emotions with all this going on but he kept up a smile for you

"I hate that it took this all to happen. But I do love you F/n...more than a friend, and i would be so happy if you married me tomorrow."

You couldn't believe what you were hearing.

"You're serious?"

He just nodded

Not knowing where to even start you cried boy happy and sad tears telling him "Yes!"

"Keigo I've loved you for so long!"

And for the first time the two of you shared a kiss

First thing the next morning the two of you went to the court house to make it official

The two of you were so in a rush you didnt even get real rings instead the two of you bought ring pops

Hawks got you a cherry flavor one

And you got him watermelon

The marriage was simple and quick

The two of you didnt want to waste any time together

Cause these were your last 24

You did a few couple things but more than anything you just wanted to spend the rest of the time you had with him

Hawks got the two of you a honeymoon suite

Where the two of you laid in bed talking

Imagining what your lives would have been like together

Things eventually got started to get a bit hot and heavy but you'd stop him

Looking away from his gaze while he was over you

"Keigo...I've never....you know.."

He'd frown, "You never what? Ohhhh." He then exclaimed once he realized what you meant

"Really?...wait so you were gonna die without-"

Feeling embarrassed you tried to to hid your face, "I know just never talked to anyone really and you were the only one I wanted for so long....and I didnt want to tell you...I didnt know how you'd react I'm sorry dont-"

"Babe, clam down."

He rested his head against yours

"We dont have too."

"But I want too." You'd tell him

And so Keigo would make love with you for the first time

After the two of you would lay there together

Smiling, "we should have done that a long time ago."

Keigo laughed, "I know right"

Laying on his chest, "We're idiots."

"I love you f/n..."

"I'm glad to be spending my last few hours with you."

You smiled and held on to him tighter

"You're the best husband I could have asked for."

"You're the best wife."

"Do you think you'll get married again.."

Keigo didnt answer you

"I want you too."

"Y/n...."

You sat up, "This is my final will...and testimony...I want you to find someone else...dont live alone and sad. our friendship is beautiful and I love you..so when I'm gone I still want you to live...live for both of us...okay?"

Keigo wanted to stop you from talking but he knew this was important for you even if he didnt want to hear it

"....okay."

"You promise?"

Keigo didn't look at you, "...promise."

You knew this was going to be hard for him it was already so hard for you

"I'm going to leave now."

"What?" Keigo sat up alarmed "where are you going?"

"I dont want you to see me dead. The last memory I want you to have of me is a happy one."

As you said that you started to get dressed

"Can I talk you out of this? Stay with me?" He wasnt ready to say goodbye

But you said no

By now you only had about two hours left and your mind was made up

"Take this." He got up and gave you one of his feathers "so I'm with you."

"God, that's cheesey." You tried to laugh

But he didnt show any emotions he just wanted to be with you anyway he could "Please."

You nodded taking his feather and the of you shared your last kiss

Then you left

Keigo didnt sleep that night he only wondered what you were doing

After that night Keigo never saw you again

He didn know where you went he only knew you were gone

Keigo wasnt really the same after you were gone he did everything the same

But something was always missing

His best friend

But for your sake he did what you asked he lived

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part seven

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

The diner was quiet, despite the time of day. Light chatter echoed around them but Y/n could hardly notice, her gaze and attention all focused on the large, green man before her. 

Bruce Banner was another idol of hers. He was one of the only brains to compete with hers, aside from Tony Stark, and she admired his work. It was his work after all that had attracted her full attention in that diner. 

The once timid looking man who stood small and nervous during lectures now sat confident and relaxed upon his chair, shoveling the biggest portions of food she had ever seen into his mouth. 

When Steve and Nat mentioned a genius her mind had immediately come to the much more civilized Hulk, but he wasn't their first stop. No, when they pulled up at a small cabin outside of the city, she was confused. 

It was secluded so it was easy to convince herself that they had arrived at Bruce Banner's home but that idea was thrown out the window when a familiar figure stepped away from the small tent out front. She recognized him in an instant and sunk back into herself once realization struck that she was at Tony Stark's home. 

"Who's the new girl?" He asked, curiously sending a glance Y/n's way as he adjusted his hold on the girl in his arms. 

"Dr. Y/n L/n. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stark." Her voice cracked slightly but he didn't seem to mind as he reached out for Y/n's hand, shifting the small girl to his hip. 

"Iron Man fan?" He questioned, his grip on her hand soothing in a way. Y/n offered a short shrug, sending a warm look to the girl Y/n assumed was his daughter. 

"More of a 'Tony Stark the philanthropist' fan." A shy smile caked her face and Tony found himself returning it. It was new to him, the way someone admired his true persona rather than the superhero he had made himself to be. It was a welcomed feeling. 

"Well, Doc, since I've got you here-there's this pain in my neck." Tony slipped his hand from her own, moving to rub a spot on his neck. His daughter let her fingers entwine with his own as he did so and the heartwarming smile he gave her reminded Y/n very much of her own father. 

It seemed forever ago since she last saw his proud grin and she allowed herself to wonder what he would think of her life. What would her mother think? Would they be proud? Or would they share the same disappointment she now felt in herself for lying and cowering for so many years? 

"I'd recommend a chiropractor, I'm afraid I'm a PhD type of doctor." Her tone was strained, Steve being the only one to notice it. He knew she was thinking of her past. It was a look he had seen on too many people. A look of loss. He just wished she'd finally let down her walls. 

"I feel like I know you." 

Tony's statement sent a chill down her spine but she did her best to ignore the feeling, allowing yet another smile to grace her lips. 

"I wish." Y/n gave a short giggle, forcing away any suspicion Tony might've had. His eyes lingered on her for a moment but ultimately turned away, carrying on with their reason for visiting. 

Despite their pleas, Tony rejected their idea not that they could blame him. And while Y/n would've loved to work with him, she had just been ecstatic to meet the famous Tony Stark she looked up to all her life. 

He was the reason she took such an interest in science and technology. She was once trained to be the next Tony Stark after all. It was interesting seeing how different their lives had ended up, Tony choosing a life away from people while she chose to help them. She still admired him and she absolutely fell in love with his daughter, Morgan, an innocent replica of her father. 

There had once been a time when she imagined her and her soulmate having the stereotypical suburban life; married with kids. However when the snap occured, any hope of that life died with her soulmate. 

Yet this didn't stop her from pondering an alternative. She wondered if she and her soulmate did have a life together, what it would be like? What would he be like? Was he funny? Was he kind? Was he charming? Were his eyes really blue? 

"About what we were saying…" Steve said, capturing their attention once more. Scott wore a baffled and angry look after the whole picture interaction and Y/n couldn't help but be amused as he sat next to her with a pout. 

"Right. The whole time travel do-over? Guys, it's outside my area of expertise." Bruce explained. Y/n's heart sank and she sighed, her eyes subconsciously searching for Steve's. His eyes were still hopeful and he turned away from her trying to convince Bruce to help. 

"Y/n said she could get it started. Couldn't that help?" He questioned, almost desperate as Y/n shared a look with Bruce. She could tell he wanted to help just as much as the next guy but their entire plan rested on something that came straight out of a movie. 

"Steve, leading an experiment like this would be impossible if I don't even know where to start." Bruce tried to explain gently. Nat stared at Bruce, her expression unconvinced and even a little encouraging as a soft smirk twisted on her lips. 

"Well, you pulled this off. I remember a time when that seemed pretty impossible, too." She replied. Bruce fell silent, looking down at himself as he contemplated the decision. It would be risky but they didn't really have much else to lose, right? 

•••

Bruce had come back with them to the compound and after explaining the strategy she'd come up with, Y/n set off to find Steve. 

He'd been quiet since she'd asked him the truth about Bucky. She regretted it, having pushed him so far. But she was also kind of relieved. 

Finally she understood how her life had fallen apart. Understood why the man she feared had done what he did. 

She even understood why his eyes had looked the way they did that day. The pain and suffering within them made sense and the eyes that accompanied her nightmares only filled her with heartache. 

Would the guilt ever fade? Or would she just continue to find more things to feel guilt for? 

After a bit of searching, she found Steve in his room, leaning against the headrest of his bed. The room was neat and if it hadn't been for the few personal effects on the dresser she would've argued it wasn't lived in. In a way that was true since a majority of his nights were spent at her apartment whether it be movie nights, game nights or simply nights spent together doing their own things. 

Steve looked up from his sketchbook when she softly knocked on the door frame, leaning on it as he set down the book. 

"Come in." She wordlessly padded over, climbing up to sit next to him. Their shoulders brushed and the calming effect that came with her presence uplifted his spirits causing him to look over at her with a tender smile. 

"Let me guess. You wanna know what's wrong." He acknowledged. Y/n studied his thoughtful eyes, shaking her head with a brief exhale as she turned away. 

"You have a way of staring into someone's soul. Did that come with the serum or has it always been like that?" She asked him, her tone teasing yet a little genuine. He shrugged letting out a small laugh. 

The sound out her at ease, telling Y/n that he wasn't angry. At least not at her. Their interaction in the car had hurt both of them and Steve didn't want to continue it any longer. 

"I don't know. I guess I've always been a little intense." His smile faded slowly, allowing his gaze to fall back on the sketchbook. He'd been drawing a familiar sight, unable to get his best friend out of his head. 

Y/n followed his stare, landing on the drawing scribbled onto the page. Respectfully reaching over and picking it up, she looked up at Steve. He made no effort to stop her, watching as her finger traced the curve of the face upon the page. 

It was a rough drawing due to Steve's lack of time to really add the details he wished to but Y/n had seen plenty of his art so he didn't mind as much. Her lips parted but she didn't speak instead creasing her brow as she intently stared at the page. 

Steve had drawn Bucky plenty of times before but shamefully most had been of the Winter Soldier. He used drawing as a way to drag certain images from his head and nothing haunted him more than the monster HYDRA had made his best friend into. 

Yet this drawing was different. He drew him the way he remembered Bucky, from before the snap. When he was getting better. 

On the page was a tired man, a man she'd never seen before. There was a permanent crease in his brow, decades of pointed stares and menacing expressions having worn it into his very features. A bit of stubble had grown on his face and his hair was long like she remembered. Even his expression as exhausted staring back at her with a weak smile. 

Y/n wondered what moment Steve had drawn this from. What had happened to make Steve catalogue this within his memories. She wondered what had caused that look in his eyes. 

The eyes that stared back at her were completely different from the ones she remembered, though she knew they belonged to the same man. These were kind yet weary: eyes of a man who had broken by war and hate but still felt things like compassion. A man who saw the worst of the world but still chose to protect it. . 

"This was him?" She mumbled softly, meeting Steve's uncertain gaze. 

He nodded, watching as she looked away from him. 

This picture seemed to be her breaking point. 

All the rage and all the terror, all of it melted into the already overflowing pool of self hatred. How could she bear to think about the grudge she'd held against a man who despite everything that the world had done to him, still fought Thanos that day when the world ended. 

Today she had learned all at once the man behind the one she feared and all the hate she once felt was unjust. And as much as she wanted to hold onto it, she just couldn't. 

It was wrong. 

"You can keep it if you want." Steve offered once she had handed him back the sketchbook. She began to shake her head, trying to reason it meant more to him than to her but Steve had already pulled out the page handing it to her. 

"To remember who he really was." He reasoned. 

Y/n held it tenderly in her hands, taking care to lay it in her lap as if touching the page in any rough manner might damage the man displayed on it. 

When the silence came it didn't feel as suffocating as before. They sat there on his bed for an hour in that silence. Y/n was grateful for the time to think, trying desperately to come to terms with everything she'd been told. 

And it wasn't until Y/n was about to get up and head home for a change of clothes that Steve spoke, breaking the silence. 

"I know why you came." Steve said suddenly, making her lift her head to peer up at him. Shame flushed over him and Y/n could feel her heart drop. "You want to know why I wanted you to stay so bad. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" 

"You think keeping me around was a mistake, don't you?" 

Steve's expression morphed into shock and he instantly shook his head at her assumption. Allowing him to take her hand in his, she felt a bit ashamed for how hurt he was by what she had said. 

"No. Never. I want you here because I sincerely believe you can help us. You can help me." Y/n sighed, her eyes landing on their outstretched legs. She let him idly circle his thumb along the back of her hand, trying to fight the urge to argue. 

"I want to help, Steve. And I think I can, just..." She trailed off. "This is your thing, Steve. Not mine. I'm not equipped for this. I wish I was, I really do." 

A frown tugged at his lips and his lashes brushed his skin briefly as his eyes fell on his lap. He knew it was unfair to her to bring her into this and it certainly wasn't okay to keep her against her will but he needed her. 

"I know. And I'm sorry. Just-" He cut himself off, shifting on the bed to face her better. She watched with an unsure gaze as he took both of her hands. "Ever since I could remember I've done what I thought was right and for a while it worked. But the past few years, I've ruined so much." 

His voice was hushed and Y/n could see how troubled he was by his furrowed brow and clouded eyes. His eyes were trained on their intertwined hands, her touch filling him with a familiar ease. One he'd known all his life. 

"Things have gotten too hard. Being Captain America isn't white and black anymore and when we lost, I didn't see a point. But then I met you and things were easy again. I didn't have to be Captain America, I could just be Steve." He confessed. 

He felt guilty, not that his words weren't true. If anything, this was the most honest he had been with her. But the guilt that seeped into his heart came from Bucky. He hadn't just failed the world, he failed all of his friends, all people he would fondly consider his new family. Could he really risk losing again? 

"I don't know if that even makes sense but I need you here. I need to be Steve." He dared to take a glimpse at her, fearing she might condemn him. Instead a warm smile graced Y/n's features, patient and kind like Bucky always was. 

"Okay." She whispered, her heart clenching as she forced the simple word. She couldn't shake the feeling that her luck hadn't yet turned. Everytime she tried to help, it destroyed everything around her. She couldn't let that happen again. "I'm gonna go get some stuff from the apartment then you have my wholehearted assistance."

Y/n carefully tucked the picture into her pocket before climbing off the bed, standing next to it as Steve swung his legs over the edge. "Do you want me to go with you?" He offered. She shook her head, pulling her hair up and tying it. 

"Nah, I'll be ok. What, you scared I'll run away?" She attempted to lighten the mood. Steve chuckled as she walked over to the door running her fingers along the wall before pausing. He watched her small frame hesitate before shooting a short glance back at him. "Hey, uh- just…don't do anything stupid till I get back." She pleaded, earnest concern in her tone as he pushed off the bed. 

A soft smirk came to his face and he lifted a shoulder in a lazy shrug. "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." He replied instantly, not giving it too much thought. Y/n scoffed, rolling her eyes and letting her fingers wrap around the doorframe as she stepped out into the hall. 

"Grandpa's got jokes now." She offered a genuine laugh, her smile lingering upon her lips. 

Then she disappeared down the hall, leaving him standing silently in the now empty room trying in vain to brush away the painful overlap. 

•••

When she got back to the apartment she packed a bag of essentials for herself, making sure to stop by Steve's room and pack a few extra clothes in case he needed them. Speaking of the man, she scoffed looking at the full sink. 

"Steven Rogers, I swear." A long sigh filled the quiet apartment as she set about washing the dishes he'd promised to take care of. While she was at it she took care of a few other chores since she wasn't sure when she would be back again. 

There wasn't much to be abandoned at the apartment other than a few plants but they'd been dead for a couple days at that point. She never had been one to have a green thumb but Steve claimed having them around gave the apartment some life. 

Ironic.

The walk back to the compound was peaceful even in the constant gloom of the city. Knowing there was a shift in the atmosphere filled her with a new type of feeling, one she hadn't experienced in a really long time.  

There had been people on the street, going about their business. Everything was dulled compared to life before the snap but she hadn't noticed until she knew there was something to be done. How many times she had gone about her life while something was happening behind the scenes that she had been so painfully oblivious to? Perhaps that was why the Sokovia Accords had been created in the first place. 

There were so many close calls the Avengers prevented that the public didn't even know about until it was on the news. Though she didn't agree with the Accords she understood the government's wish to be more aware and even in control. 

Once reaching the compound, Nat let her in through the gate and Y/n began her trek to the building. Tugging her hair free of the hair tie, it fell loose around her face and she cringed at the grease starting to build on her scalp. Moving through the halls of the compound, she let herself really explore. 

Despite years of friendship she hadn't really been at the compound for longer than a few hours at a time, most of the visit being spent in the training room with Nat. Steve explained he wanted to keep his friendship with her separate from his life as an Avenger and since she had been doing everything in her power to forget her past, she appreciated the separation. 

As she continued to wonder, she hoped there'd be a shower somewhere on the large complex. But before she could ask anyone, her silent venture was cut off by the sounds of very frantic voices coming from a door to her left. Hesitantly she stepped through, finding herself in a large open space with a very odd scene. 

 The horrid van had been brought in and the back glowed while what looked like a portal swirled inside it. A baby, she assumed to be Scott, stood on wobbly feet in a crudely made suit as everyone turned to her with alarmed expressions. Y/n dropped her bag and rushed forward, pushing Bruce aside as she pointed for Nat. 

"When I say kill the reactor, kill it!" Y/n demanded, adjusting the calculations on the panel as Nat rapidly walked over to the reactor. 

"Kill it!" Y/n called. Nat's frantic hands quickly pulled down the knob, turning off the reactor before looking back over to the van. Scott had returned to his position and normal age, his face contorted in shock and confusion. 

"Somebody peed my pants." Scott proclaimed making Nat sigh, walking over to them. Y/n let go of her own sigh of relief, stepping away from the control panel. Bruce looked over the work she'd done, his eyes widening for a split second before returning to Scott. 

"God, I leave you guys alone for one hour! I told you not to do anything!" She cried, sending an aggravated look at Steve. He cowered under her detested glare, bringing his hand to the back of his neck. 

"But I don't know if it was 'baby' me or 'old' me...or just 'me' me." Scott elaborated, earning an annoyed stare from Y/n. However Bruce did not share her agitation, holding up his hands dramatically. 

"Time travel!" He announced, a proud grin on his face as he looked to the others for the same enthusiasm. Steve refused to reply instead shaking his head and stalking off toward the exit while Y/n tried to calm her racing heart. She made them promise to wait for her. She knew something like this would happen. 

"What? I..I see this as an absolute win!" Bruce called after Steve. Nat and Y/n looked at one another before moving to check on Scott. He was fine other than some wet pants and suit which Y/n painfully took knowing they'd need the suit for another test run, one she knew she'd be leading. 

"Here, Bruce." Y/n tossed him the suit. He caught it with a scrunched nose, holding it at arm's length with a disgusted expression. 

"That's what you get for not waiting." 

Part eight

Taglist:

@cancanmarvel

@jessyballet

@eldahae

@mc225g

@kissesofdeadforme

@wantingtobekorra

@sxphiiwrld

@lunaticbarnes

@indecisivedolly

@saiyanprincesswanie

@lextheflexsthings

[smileyoongle]

Mafia BTS! Seeing you for the first time (Maknae line)

Note: This imagine won't necessarily have all the members belonging to the same mafia. I thought having them all as the leaders would make a better plot so......here you go.

[Here's the link to the Hyung Line imagine: Mafia BTS! Seeing you for the first time (Hyung Line) ]

Park Jimin:

Placing his wine glass on the table, Jimin leaned forward to listen to the conversation of his gang mates. They all laughed at a joke one of them cracked. It was a happy day. It had to be, it had been 5 years since Jimin took to running a mafia. So naturally, when people saw him all happy and smiles, they were astonished. People had usually only seen him when he was mad or pissed off at someone who bothered him.

Jimin had decided to share his mafia's anniversary with everybody in the restaurant. He took to paying for all their drinks. This made the people even more shocked. But who really rejects free drinks?

You entered the expensive restaurant with your boyfriend, hand in hand. You looked around the place while your boyfriend told the manager about his reservation. It was your 2 year anniversary. But you weren't sure if you were gonna be celebrating anymore anniversaries, seeing as you had decided that you didn't want this relationship anymore. You were sure you would end it tonight on a peaceful note. You didn't wanna be with someone who treated you like an object, who never introduced you as his girlfriend to his friends, who was a materialistic freak or better yet, who slept around with other girls thinking that you didn't know anything.

You felt eyes on you as you made your way to your table. You searched around for anyone who was looking at you. Your eyes stopped at someone sitting at the corner of the restaurant. You looked carefully, only to gasp and blush. Park Jimin was staring at you. Of course you knew him, everyone did. You took your seat while glancing a look at him again. His eyes were still on you. You bit your lip and turned to your boyfriend. You shook your head, obviously it meant nothing.

Meanwhile Jimin's eyes were stuck on you since the moment you entered. You looked gorgeous in your black silk dress and your wavy hair. You seemed to be in deep thought when you stood their waiting to get to your table. But when he saw your hand in another man's, he wanted nothing more than to take out his gun and shoot him right there. But he didn't wanna scare you, so he tried to calm himself down. It helped when you looked back at him. Your beautiful eyes showing surprise in them to see him staring at you. Right then he decided, he wanted you now. He turned his attention back to his friends and started thinking about what he could do.

You sighed as your boyfriend started making a scene in front of the entire restaurant. You really thought he'd be okay with it. He should have been, if he really wanted you then he wouldn't have gone around sleeping with every girl he stumbled upon. You winced as he grabbed your arm and pulled you to your feet. This had gone way too far than you thought. "You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me" he gritted his teeth and glared at you. You whimpered in pain as he tightened his grip on your arm. You were sure there were gonna be bruises.

"You should be grateful that I'm putting up with your dumb self. Anyone else would've left you long ago. Just like your parents did." He chuckled bitterly at you. Tears filled your eyes at his harsh words. Before you could say anything, he was torn away from you. Just as you looked at your knight in shining armour, your now ex-boyfriend was punched in the face, causing him to fall to the floor.

Jimin bent down and grabbed the man's jaw. He had tried to hurt you and Jimin wasn't having any of it. "I see you around her one more time, you'll wish you were never born." He snarled at him. You stood there as you looked at the scene infront of you. Here he was, Park Jimin, the one who protected you. And you had a feeling he would be doing that for a long time from now.

After seeing your supposed boyfriend scurry away in fear, Jimin made his way to you. He wiped the tear on your cheek and looked in your eyes. His heart swelled at how circumstances had been in his favour. He was never gonna forget this day. He promised himself that he was never gonna hurt you in anyway. He was gonna treat you like a queen.

You felt your breathing quicken when his hands held yours. Although he didn't say anything, but his eyes, they said a lot to you. You knew for sure that you would always remember that look. It was as if his eyes had said,

" I would break my own heart to protect yours."

Kim Taehyung:

Taehyung glanced a look at his watch and sighed. The man he was supposed to have a deal with, was late. He hated people who couldn't be on time. Time was essential, especially when you live every second of your life dangerously.

He clenched his jaw as he observed the crowd of people dancing on the floor below. The loud music blared through the club as he grew impatient. This club was one of the many he owned. Different night, different club. That was his life. It was absolutely adventurous but he found himself growing tired of it. He wanted something different from life now. He didn't wanna come back to a dark and lonely house every night. He craved the feeling of being wanted. Of course, he could have any girl he wanted. But he wanted someone who consumed his thoughts day and night. He wanted someone to call 'his'. Someone to protect from this cruel world.

Taehyung's attention was drawn to the bouncers leading someone to the VIP area, right where he sat. He glared as he saw the man who called himself Joaquin, enter the lounge. Taehyung could have his head on a platter for wasting his time but he brushed off the idea because the deal was too important to him. Joaquin put forward his hand with a smirk for Taehyung to shake, as if he was proud of himself. But Taehyung sat still, only glaring at him. The smirk was washed off his face as he took back his hand and sat down infront of the intimidating Mafia leader. Taehyung took in the man's appearance and doubted himself. He didn't really look like someone who should be in this line of work. He looked too confident, like he was some celebrity. He considered calling this deal off. But all of his dilemma faded as he saw you standing behind the so called dealer, looking a little uncomfortable.

Joaquin noticed his eyes on you and took it as a signal to introduce you. "Ah, this is Y/N. I bought her to fulfill needs that I'm certain every man has." He smirked and looked at you. He had always treated you like an expensive object he bought.

You clenched your jaw and glared at him. Everything that came out of his mouth was wrong. You would never sell your body to any man, let alone this disgusting excuse of one. You'd never even let him near you and he accepted this, finally giving up after a lot of trying.

Before you could defend yourself, the man who you knew as Taehyung spoke up.

"Having me wait and then talking complete bullshit about a woman, that certainly says a lot about you." He narrowed his eyes as he pulled out a gun from behind him, placing it on the table infront of him.

Taehyung didn't believe Joaquin for a second. When he saw your annoyance, he wanted to finish him off for good. He respected women very much and he had no tolerance for anyone who talked rubbish about them. And since you already had all his attention, he wanted to do everything he could to make sure you were comfortable.

You seemed level headed and innocent at the same time. Your red dress hugged all your curves perfectly. Taehyung found himself thinking about how he'd love nothing more than to explore every inch of you. He licked his lips as he found himself getting more and more intrigued by you. He fantasized about having a woman like you by his side. When he saw Joaquin's pale face at seeing the gun, he stood up and fixed his suit. "You know, I've dealt with a lot of people like you. Always so full of yourself and feeding off on others self esteem when the truth is that you know you are pathetic and incompetent." He said and moved to where you stood. You stood there frozen. Taehyung looked at you from head to toe. You suddenly felt insecure. You bit your lip and looked away. You'd never been so intimidated by a man before.You hadn't looked at Taehyung closely before but now that he stood right infront of you, he looked so ethereal. He was breathtakingly handsome.

His lips curled into a smirk as he saw you checking him out. He saw your flustered expression as you bit your lip. Taehyung felt extremely delighted to know you were attracted to him too. He leaned down and whispered in your ear, "You might wanna stop doing that, love. I don't think you understand how troublesome it is to control myself."

You gasped at his words. He tilted his head to look at you with a smirk, that damned smirk. He was certainly enjoying this. Your wide eyes gave away how innocent you really were. You might have put on a strong front for the world but really, you weren't like that at all.

He turned to Joaquin to seal the deal. "This deal is called off. You may go back but this lady will be spending the night with me, whether you like it or not." Joaquin gave a small nod and left. Clearly he was afraid of what Taehyung would have done to him if he hadn't obeyed. Everyone was afraid of Taehyung, it was impossible not to be.

But you only felt curious about what was beneath this cold demeanor that he carried. There certainly had to be more to him. Taehyung was determined to know you too. More so, he was determined to break the walls you had built, he knew how to read people very well. He could tell you weren't really how you acted. He was curious too. One thing was certain, he had no plans of letting you go back to that dumb man. He wanted to own you mind, body and soul. And nothing was gonna stop him.

"Say you want me because I know I do."

Jeon Jungkook:

You smoothed out your dress as you stepped out of the black limousine. The building infront of you hovering like a giant ready to engulf you. You didn't wanna be here, and the fact that your best friend was so extra didn't help either. Really, a limousine? This wasn't even an award show. It was just a masquerade ball.

You absolutely hated crowds. You had no intention of attending this party either. But when your best friend showed you her puppy eyes, you couldn't bring yourself to say no. So here you were, wearing a ball gown with a mask covering half of your face. Your best friend had been invited here. She was very rich but she never let it get to her. Her family adored you and treated you like their own. Basically your best friend had been by you for as far as you could remember. You didn't have a family but you didn't feel sad about that anymore. Credits to your best friend. So thinking that you owed her this much atleast, you climbed up the steps to the ballroom.

You could hear the chatter of people along with soft music playing behind the huge double doors. The doors opened revealing the interiors. You gasped as you took in the scene infront of you. You had never been to a place like this. You were stood on top of a staircase. You looked at the entire place with amusement. Maybe being here wasn't so bad. You were so engrossed in admiring the room that you didn't notice the people staring at you. Everything seemed to have stopped, all eyes were on you. You blamed it all on the expensive gown that your best friend had bought you. Or maybe all these rich people figured that you didn't belong here?

Jungkook almost took his mask off as he saw you stood near the entrance. You looked stunning in that blue gown, the light of amusement in your eyes only added to your beauty. He was a driven young man who lived a dangerous life. He had to attend the party in order to settle a conflict that had been getting in the way of his work. But all that was forgotten when he saw you. He wanted nothing more than to just go up to you and take off your mask to see you properly. You were already beautiful, he could only imagine what was beneath the mask.

You were flustered as your best friend pulled you down the stairs. The music seemed to have started again. Some eyes were still on you but you tried not to pay attention. Soon enough the ball was in full swing. You turned down a few people who asked you to dance with them. You weren't a dancer. So you watched as your friend danced around, clearly enjoying herself. You decided to get some fresh air. Making your way to what looked like the door to the garden, you were obviously clueless about someone who was completely captivated by you.

Jungkook saw you make your way to the garden so he followed you. He wanted to know you. So here he stood, behind you. It was a cold night. Too cold for you to be here. "It's too cold to be here, don't you think?" A voice startled you. You turned around to see an extremely handsome man. You couldn't see all of his face but from whatever you could see, he was damn handsome.

"Not very fond of crowds." You smiled at him. Jungkook's heart fluttered when you smiled at him. Your voice was angelic too. He was growing desperate for you. "So I'm guessing you'll be turning me down if I ask you to dance, huh?" He extended his hand out to you. You bit your lip. You certainly couldn't bring yourself to say no to him. "I suck at dancing." You said sheepishly. He chuckled. "I can deal with that." He grinned at you. Taking a deep breath, you took his hand.

He held you close as you both swayed to the music. It felt as if everything around you had disappeared. Your heart was beating fast. Curiosity was eating you inside. You wanted to see him. His eyes kept flitting between your eyes and lips. You looked away as you blushed.

"Take it off. Let me see you, princess." He whispered in your ear, making you blush even more. You weren't the only one who was curious. You hesitantly pulled away from him to take off your mask. But before you could do anything, a loud noise was followed by the sound of glass shattering. Screams filled the room as another noise echoed. Gunshots.

People around had already started running out of the ballroom. You were scared. What was going on? Jungkook clenched his jaw. He understood that the meeting didn't go very nice. He had told everybody to not do anything until he came. But of course, they didn't listen. He looked at your panicked form. He had to get you out but he also had to help his people.

You turned to the mystery man infront of you, only to find him looking at you. His eyes showed concern and anger. You felt a hand tug yours. You saw your best friend pulling you towards the exit. You couldn't protest. You were already suffocating. You wanted to get out so you let your friend pull you away from him, the mystery man. He didn't move at all. He stood still between all of the chaos.

Jungkook was mad. Mad that he didn't even ask you your name. Mad that he couldn't even see your face. He mouthed a few words to you. A promise he made to himself. You weren't sure if you understood what he said correctly. But from what you thought he said, you felt a surge of happiness. Obviously you weren't gonna see him again. But that's where you were wrong. You didn't know who he was. And you certainly didn't know he'd do anything to have you.

"I will find you soon."

I had to write the Jungkook imagine twice. Tumblr was acting up but here it is. I hope you like it. Do you want me to do more mafia imagines? Do let me know. I also feel this isn't so good so I'm sorry. I'll do better next time.

- XX

[lyricstomy-heart]

I've been thinking. Way too much honestly. Constantly stuck in the dark and twisty world that has consumed my brain. I'm confused. I relapsed and fuck I really don't wanna spiral back into a bender. I'm already drinking too much as a substitute for drugs. I know I'm not being kind to my body but honestly I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm tired. Tired of being tired. The only reason I didn't sleep all day is because of all the coke I did. I was productive today but I just wish that I could be productive while sober. Something is telling me that there is something more psychologically wrong with me than I'm diagnosed with. I despise being so overemotional. I should be able to not bottle everything up. I should be able to be okay. There is no such thing as normal but I can't help but think that it does exist. I need to figure out how to get back on my spiritual level where I felt detoxed from the negativity that has swallowed me. But my love is back and his energy lifts me up. I want to believe what my heart is screaming that he is what I need him to be. I'm done with the concept of love if this isn't it. Someone is going to need to remind me of that. I always fall into these traps of not listening to my previous epiphanies. I wanted independence. I wanted to be single and not be tied down ever again. But here I am with the man that is actually something and someone that makes me the closest to happy I've ever known. This experience is brand new to me and I'm scared that I'm not actually experiencing this. Fear doesn't truly exist but the paranoia within me screams fear. Fear that this isn't real. Fear that this nice of a person is just a phase. Will there be a toxic and abusive phase? I can't handle anymore pain...there's already too much and I'm broken already. I'm barely hanging in there. Suicide is not an answer, but it is an option. I don't want to be that person. Fuck, I don't even have the guts anymore to actually commit the act but I wish I could flip a switch and disappear. I want the best for me. I want to achieve my goals that would finally make someone proud of me. I want to be proud of myself but no one has ever expressed it or maybe they just haven't paid any attention. I expect no one to care about me or recognize my existence. I do matter and I do try but it's never enough. Never enough for them or myself. How does someone stop being so hard on themselves? I feel like once you have that mindset it is nearly impossible to overcome that. Maybe I can turn it into motivation but as I've expressed before I'm clueless. Someone help. Someone listen and have no reaction. I just want to let everything go. I wish I knew what a childhood felt like. I wish I could have experienced a taste of it. Maybe if I knew that feeling I could learn how to cope. But this is my path. I think my lesson in life is to finally know what happiness is. I think that in my past lifetimes I've learned some very hard lessons that now is the time to live. Even during this lifetime I've only known how to survive. I'm done living my life in survival mode, so here I come world. How do I live? How do I know when I'm happy when it's never been known? Can I be taught my version of happiness? Emotions are felt differently by every being to exist. I know that I have the intelligence level to comprehend it once I find it. I have so much potential and I don't know if it's my laziness or that I'm locked in a black hole of depression that I can't unlock it. One day at a time I will get closer as long as I wake up. I'm too stubborn to ask for help but here's me asking and not asking at the same time.