#I'm probably not gonna kms I just
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*sighs and whispers* mommy kink w/ satoru is heavy on the brain this morning
#rambles.#tho when is it not if i'm being totally honest#i think about it soooo much. kms#is it like ooc fanon of me? yea fucking probably#but there's just something about it that won't leave me alone so i simply have to live my truth at this point#most of the time he's getting put in his place but he also knows that he's probably gonna get spoiled afterwards 😒#i'm ripping my face off#cw mommy kink
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#im not dead quit asking#I'm just really really really not doing well#sorry if i scared anyone. that wasnt my intent#things got. let's say worse. for me irl. more complicated for sure#i hate to publicize my breakdown I really do. but maybe i... need this? in a weird way?#i haven't really been adjusting well to having a platform online. that's not anyone's fault but mine ofc#i feel that my 'fans' (if ive earned the right to call them that) dont and frankly cant ever care for me as a person#i dont know you and you dont know me. you dont know all of me at least. just what i make public. what i allow others to see#i had it kinda bullied into me that i need to keep my mouth shut abt my own issues. and ive spent a lot of this year trying to unlearn that#maybe publicizing this is a bad idea anyway#I just know ive been more honest abt my emotions and my personal life with my friends and my partner#and not everyone enjoys it but i know I'm not like. traumadumping so i feel somewhat assured that anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt my life-#-probably wasnt all that interested in forming a close relationship w me to begin with. even if theyre friendly at first#everyone else; the people who I know care about me; have shown me that through their actions#my point is being honest abt how youre doing w other ppl is a good idea. revolutionary i know lol#and i still don't know a lot of you personally but#parasocial or not i got some very genuine sounding messages while I was gone. and i. feel really bad that i worried those people#I guess theres my proof that people would care if i disappeared suddenly. people would notice pretty quick it seems#im never gonna kms btw. even if i didnt have the support i have im simply too stubborn to die lol. to put it lightly#and to those who thought this was abt fandom drama: it's not. those who shall not be named are genuinely the least of my problems these days#I'm on a journey of self actualization. or something. im trying to get my shit together. im trying to stop being clinically depressed lol#but god keeps throwing wrenches in my plans and. i beat myself up about it too much#but that's just life. they say you make a plan and god laughs#im. trying to be okay with just riding the wave. im impatient but if i keep trying to somehow speed up time im just gonna exhaust myself#which I think is where im at now. burnt out#and on top of all that i still feel this need to like. perform for you guys#if i dont keep making content everyone will forget i exist. if i dont make another video essay this year can i even call myself a youtuber#etc etc. its the spiral its impostor syndrome we've all been there#im trying to end this on a positive note but idk. i dont have all the answers yet#hoping i figure it out soon. i hope you dont forget me in the meantime
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I got bored in art class
Just a small sneak peak on cosmos' new design :)
But yeah i wanted to see the differnece between canon ruin and cosmos because hes back to rotting my brain
#dca#fnaf#sun and moon show#tsams#sams#the sun and moon show#sams ruin#tsams ruin#sams cosmos (ruin)#tsams cosmos (ruin)#ameliorate ruin#ameliorate cosmos#ameliorate au#you know its probably a good thing im back to drawing cosmos#he gives me a sense of comfort and lets just say... i'm not in the best mental state rn (i wanna fucking kms but im a pussy)#(dw im not gonna kms that will make my friends sad)#BUT YEAH COSMOS ISS GETTING GLASSES 😻
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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Welp
My food isn't even ready to be taken out and I feel like throwing up so fuck me I guess
#and I was so thrilled ugh fmlllll#what do I do with this and why didn't i just make a can of soup#i girlbossed too hard and got ahead of myself so I'm paying the price#i could try an edible but I'll just be out cold without being able to eat there's no point#I'm probably gonna try to have some anyway but UGH#chronic illness#chronic pain#disability#actually disabled#cfs#chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе#fibromyalgia#spoonie#me/cfs#cfs/me#pots#long covid#kms
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man i wish i had a reason to get out of bed. mentally i mean. getting out of the mental bed. you know what i'm talking about
#i'm sooooo scared of going back after this 2 week break. it's gonna be so hard#i mostly just wanna kms these days like constantly all the time#only got a break from it yesterday#and today is so bad. probably crashing after yesterday actually. bc i can't distract myself from how bad i'm feeling#negative //#vent#ask to tag
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🤨
#anyone want to tell us what’s so ‘timely’ about this picture of phgp?#instagram#phgp#if this is just about that re-release of their discography i'm gonna kms#green day#sorry it feels silly taking out the usernames here since anyone can probably find these accounts easily but tbh#i don't trust any of you nerds to be cool
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Wives how does it feel to know that your wife is short. 😿😿 @xptobie @theleechyskrunkly
#There's probably a few other wives I'm missing#Haiii :3#Hiiiiii >_<#I'm 5'2"#GONNA KMS#but I just remembered something#PTOBIE IS SHORTER RHAN ME#By an inch#YAHHHHHH
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I saw Jay's playthrough of Sally Face today and it made me remember how much I love this game, so I drew Sal :))!!
#seriously I just ahafgz I'm going to be so annoying about this game now I'm sorry (lying)#(everytime I say/read/etc the word seriously I read it in Ocean's voice when she's singing What The World Needs omfg)#his hair looks like that because........uhmm#cute :33 but also I just..can't draw straight hair ://#in pigtails specifically. idk why it just two ponytails so I don't know WHY I can't...#my dad is saying I HAVE to go to school or he won't pay the wifi bill uhmm apparently it 2 months behind?? uhh yeah...? oof guess I'll#fucking kms instead because if I have to be at that DAMN HIGHSCHOOL AGAIN#I am only a freshman and I already wanna bash my head into the desk#MY GYM TEACHER DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY FUCKING NAME#AND I have to deal w/ shitty fucking allergies on top of that because my mom SUCKS and I didn't think to grad the medicine when I was#leaving yesterday morning mostly cause her BITCH ASS EX WAS THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM (that's connected to the kitchen; where the medicine#was) because she can't kick him out and she has work so she need him there anyway because free babysitting because she had this stupid#fucking kid with him 4 years ago ://#what am I talking about???#sorry for ranting babe hehe <3 back to being a silly little guy ^^!!#so my friend wants me to play D&D with her and her other friend (idk who they are?? she never told me their name)#so that's cool :)#anyway I listened to Sanity Falls again I fucking love those songs god Idk y I stopped listening to these what was wrong w/ me damn :DDD!!!#gonna queue a few post so they go up while I'm either asleep or at school#probably school cause my dad said if I'm asleep he'll beat me awake :/ so yeah...not new whatever :/#can't even complain; cause according to my parents it isn't abuse to hit you're CHILD and they had it worse so stfu and I hate you' like#WTF WAS THAT? BRO?? ughh like okay yeha I get it I've been out for a bit but like...really? has Hitting use worked EVER? no? THEN WHY ARE#THEY STILL DOING IT??........ugghhh fuck#night dude :p#omfg I ranted to much I forgot to tag#sally face#sal fisher#sally face sal
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Face in my mf hands
#I'm in the front row of the risers for choir concert#Which would be fine except I think my parents wanna attend#Could not focus second half of the set after I realized that when we ran it 2day#I fidget for obvious reasons. Like I don't fuck around bc I'm not 10 anymore but I'm not exactly standing still#And I KNOW for a goddamn fact I'm gonna be hearing comments abt that post show no matter how well we do bc I am probably gonna be Into It#And not have the bandwidth to allocate to not gesturing etc#Not to mention they won't b enthusiastic abt the set#An like neither am I tbh but like god I cannot express enough how much I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT#Like the notion of doing concert which I'm already nervous ENOUGH abt and then getting complained at bc I didn't stand still and the set is#lame is smth I so absolutely have NO enthusiasm for#Worst thing is . I don't want to tell them not to come either like . I want them to come I just don't want them to come because it will#suck fucking shit but I don't want them to not come because :( and like#No one . No one I know is gonna be in that audience if they don't come#And the only people who will be if they do is gonna be them#And also I want my parents to come to my concert if they want to and they do but also All This and just like girl okay [breaks down crying]#<- did this in the middle of Times#FUCK DUDE I AM SICK OF BEING MADE FUN OF FOR BEING EMOTIONAL AND FIDGETY. I'M GOING TO KMS
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being so so good at expressing to my partner that I was upset by something they did and then feeling worse when they don't respond in the exact way I want them to and then feeling evil and manipulative for continuing to tell them how sad I am haha my brain has a broom and is hitting me with it repeatedly
#this communicating shit sucks why can't people just read my mind#personal#''you certainly can't change your mood by doing nothing and spiraling“ wrong i can make it worse#the urge to have a healthy relationship and the urge to self sabotage and push people away are having a cage match in my head#and boy does it not look pretty#ventinggggg#trying to subtlely communicate that i want some attention and validation without saying it outright#bc she's downstairs havin fun with her friends and im totally invited but i got into a weird mood like an hour before so i don't want to#be around any people. plus i ''have to sleep for work“#even tho I'm just gonna be awake spiraling for hours anyways#but my attempts to get reassurance are probably coming off as argument and she seems so annoyed with me#so now i definitely can't ask directly#and I'm definitely gonna get off work tomorrow in a bad mood and probably be a bummer at the goth club on nye#i fucking hate myself and my dumbass emotions i either need to kms or get high
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murphy's law is real 😭
#the week I'm supposed to get hired my dog got sick#the vet is suspecting she has diabetes#most likely i'll have to stay with her tomorrow and friday so my hiring process will be postponed probably to next month#she's currently at the clinic and they'll ask for tests that i have no money to pay right now#AND i just got home from the clinic and there were a billion tiny flies on my window????? what the fuck is going on this week#update: it's termite#inside my all wooden furniture room#i'm gonna kms today folks
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ok so maybe I'm a lil more affected by the announcement than I thought
#i'm fine when i'm focused on our projects but when i'm not it's. oof ow#the constant need to twin peaks style bash my head into a wall/mirror is back#it's gonna be fucking awful they rly don't handle my job or the. circumstances. with any kinda respect#i'm already so fucking trigger happy about all that shit#n i'm fucking scared husk's gonna be weird about it in one way or another#from most people back home i kinda just expect it anyway but i got him on this fucking pedestal based on next to nothing n ughhhh#like ok he's the only guy i have canon interactions with that hasn't immediately tried to exploit me in some kinda way#(jury's still out on radio guy i guess)#even if we also include v0xtagram canon#but i mean. girl pls he's got like 10 secs of screen time pull yourself together#i just really need someone i can daydream about that isn't val#it's bad enough i can't even fucking get myself off without thinkin about him#'bad enough' in that it makes me wanna kms at least three times a day but i mean#it is what it is#i tried to break that conditioning for a while but hypersexuality won#at least i'm just thinkin it now while i keep my distance......... prayer circle for it stayin that way when the season finally airs#kill me lol#spdrvent#tmi probably
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#i'm fine btw lol#i talk a lot abt killing myself for someone who's probably not gonna do it#tried before and it famously didn't work . which is why y'all have to suffer and deal with me now 😻#but it's fine i won't do it#i will just dream abt doing it until i die fr one day#hopefully sooner rather than later#such is my life . life fucking sucks i hate being alive etc etc#nothing tethering me to lifeeeeee and that's fine i've come to understand that nothing remains meaningful to me apparently#i need to put my head in the oven or smth#damn dude i should just kms but it's like . 😮💨 you know . hard to think it might not work again etc etc#lol idk#school is starting again and i've never been more suicidal in my life i think like wow#i really do not want to do this ... but it's cool 🫂 who cares#i'll suck it up and get the fuck over myself and deal with#like either i do it or i get kicked out.. i don't really have much of a choice 😮💨🤲 so#anyway... i'm fine really... it doesn't matter anyway... even if i wasn't bc there's literally nothing to do abt it so why bother#i'm going to go and try to stomach some food bc i've been throwing up everything i've been eating bc of how stressed i am#and then i'll just . lie down on the floor and patiently wait for tmmr#i'm really tired 👍 like beyond the regular usage of the word tired.. m fucking exhausted...#blah blah blah wah wah wah my life sucks you guys are sick of this so i will shut up but i think i'm not gonna be super active on here#anymore bc of school so 🫡 just figured i would log out but im sad so who i be if i didn't make some depressing text post abt killing myself#before i did. that 👍 jrjrjdkdkdkd lol#dl#neg
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i think i'm losing control
#depression and stuff#not gonna kms don't have anything to kms i'm just gonna hope something happens#if i wake up i'll probably be fine tomorrow#if i don't oh well
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𝐯𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐯𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 | 𝐨𝐩𝟖𝟏
summary... oscar is dating one of the world's biggest singer and no one can believe it
request... yes
note... i love oscar yall and you're not a real fanfic writer if you've never used gracie as a faceclaim
faceclaim... gracie abrams
𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩
yourusername
liked by taylorswift, oscarpiastri, and others
yourusername i've loved you 20 summers now, honey, but i want it all
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user1 RUE WHEN WAS THIS
user2 WHAT HOW WHEN
user3 they were childhood best friends 😭😭
user4 i'm gonna need oscar's prayer reveal bc how the fuck
oscarpiastri and 20 more summers to come
⤷ yourusername sap
⤷ oscarpiastri ihy
⤷ yourusername 🖕🏻
⤷ oscarpiastri just kidding i'm actually madly in love with you
⤷ yourusername you better be
⤷ user5 okay but their energy >>>
landonorris so can you ask her for tickets orrrrr
⤷ oscarpiastri dude
⤷ landonorris im being fr
user6 YOURE TELLING ME NOT ONLY IS SHE TAKEN, SHE WAS TAKEN BY A VROOM VROOM BITCH???? brb kms
oscarpiastri
liked by landonorris, yourusername, and others
oscarpiastri there's a holy ground beneath them... 2 years ago, i got the courage to finally ask you out but i've loved you since before i knew what love was
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user1 THERE'S A HOLY GROUND BENEATH THEM SPARKS FLY WHEN THEY KISS 😭
user2 fuck romeo and juliet i want what these bitches have
user3 brb im gonna check if my toaster is waterproof
landonorris now this is what i say hard launch
⤷ oscarpiastri what's a hard launch?
⤷ yourusername oh baby
arthurleclerc i've known for ages 😌
⤷ yourusername don't get cocky
user4 i'm fr gonna need to know how oscar did it
⤷ user5 the fact that they seem to have been best friends since toddler days probably helped
yourusername damn it you beat my post
⤷ oscarpiastri i'm just better than you
⤷ yourusername your head is getting bigger than your helmet
yourusername but i love your more than words can say
yourusername also i'd like everyone to know that it took him NINETEEN YEARS to figure out i'm actually the love of his life
⤷ oscarpiastri shut up
user6 THEY'RE ACTUALLY SO CUTE?????
user7 they got together TWO YEARS AGO but it took him nineteen years??? so they've literally known each other their whole lives 😭😭
#oscar piastri#oscar piastri imagine#oscar piastri imagines#oscar piastri x reader#oscar piastri x you#oscar piastri x y/n#oscar piastri fluff#oscar piastri fanfic#f1 social media au#f1 smau#f1 imagine#f1 imagines#f1 x reader#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#f1 fluff#f1 fanfic#f1 fanfiction
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