#I'm stressed out about RL shit enough

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

CW: panic attack, disease

Sandra’s last chapter started... 🌼😞

The next day I went to Sandra to pick up Liam. S. was the middle of moving. She asked me to take care of her little one. Before I went to her, I was in the hospital. My doc called me. He wanted to examine me again. It was about my blood levels. My leukocytes were elevated and since I was pregnant, he was a bit worried.

Though this was nothing new to me (my elevated Leukos), I was still scared as hell, when I got the call from the hospital. I was so terrified, that I got a panic attack.

Sandra: Did you have enough money for the cab? Why didn’t you call your parents to get you, or Daniel?

Me: Daniel has an appointment. I called my Mom. But it would have taken too long to wait for her. She was on the phone with me during the whole ride to distract me. She was so worried, it made me even more nervous, so I called you. And of course I had money with me.

Sandra: Now you're here & safe. You don’t have to be afraid, A.! Everything will be fine! Just continue to take those deep breaths..... Come, lay down on the couch.

Me: ..... Sorry S., but now I just don't want to be hugged. Pls don’t stress me!!

Sandra: Okay, I leave you alone. I won’t touch you, A... Try to relax.

Me: Thanks S.... Tell me something. What’s Liam doing?

Sandra: He’s asleep, but he’ll wake up soon. Yk, if this gets too much for you today with Liam, I can ask my Mom, or I take him with me? I just thought it would be good for you and Daniel to spend a day alone with Liam. Kind of.... a test.

Me: Daniel is good with Babies. Liam loves him. But you’re right! Now that I’m pregnant.... Let’s see, if Daniel even wants to take care of a Baby with me.

Sandra: I trust Daniel and you anyway. Is everything ok with you two? He seemed so quiet the other day.

Me: I slept with him last night. But.... agh, Idk? He's been so cold to me, this morning. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it.

Sandra: Okay then.... tell me how your check up was? Why do you worry sm?

Me: Same damn issue as always.... My doc wanted to examine me more closely. He did an ultrasound to see if any white blood cells had accumulated in my organs. They’ll call me as soon as they get the results. But my Baby's fine. He told me not to worry.

Sandra: I know you’re terrified of being seriously ill. But you’re fine, A.! Your Baby is fine too, you just have to do something about your panic attacks. Did you take your pills?

Me: Yes! But I know why I got a panic attack. I’ve been thinking too much about the shit Irma told me six months ago. Daniel saw her. And just this morning, I also got that call from my doc. Right after D. told me about Irma that weirdo. You know?

As Sandra and I kept talking, the doorbell rang. Sandra told me she met a nice guy. He was her new neighbor. They met in that building/house, where her new apartment was. She liked him. He offered to help Sandra with the move, so he came by today.

While Sandra opened the door to her new neighbor, I walked over to Liam’s nursery. The little one woke up, but was still a bit tired. I stroked his head and smiled at him. As soon as Liam noticed me, he stretched out his arms, to take him out of his crib. So cute. Together we went back to the living room, where I put Liam in his high chair. At that moment Sandra’s new neighbor entered her apartment.

As I turned around, I saw a tall, young man standing in front of Sandra. While I was waiting for S. to introduce me to him, I noticed how she looked at him.  It was obvious, Sandra had a crush on that guy. Hm?... Ok, I got it! S. wanted to be alone with him. That’s why she needed me as a babysitter.

All right, then it's time for me to call Daniel to pick me & Liam up. I texted him. He’ll be there in a few minutes, but before Liam & I left, Sandra of course introduced me to her new... friend?

Sandra: That’s the...... nice guy, I told you about. Dario. He helps me with wallpapering and building up some furniture.

Me: Hey, D.! I'm Aleksa. Nice to meet you.

Dario: Hi!

Me: Um, well! You two are busy today. Can you please pack Liam’s things, S.? Daniel's already down there waiting for us.

Sandra: It's all done. I just have to get his sleeping bag. But we’ll help you carry his stuff in the car.

Me: C'mon sweetie! Uncle Danny’s waiting for you.

I didn’t talk much to Sandra’s new friend that day. From the first impression he seemed okay, but.....no! This guy’s gonna be S.’s worst nightmare, her..... end.😞 Some of you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, rn I don’t want to say more about him. At first everything seemed perfect. They were both in love and happy with each other, for almost 2 years. But unfortunately this guy was..... a psycho. 😔😢

And Daniel, he didn’t know Liam was gonna stay with us. But somehow D. knew, that I wanted to.... test him, to see if he could take care of a Baby with me. Well, let's see... 😬

Previous/Next

[yunoteru4ever]

Hope you don't mind this kind of ask!

I really love this song by Ado and always thought that. Huh. It's kinda Yukiteru.

And that sorta slowly balled down into man I I was too blinded by my irrational anger he's not really a bad person. Nor exactly a badly written character. The anger still remains but only faintly. Don't personally like him but started to see his true self more, especially with the addition of the Visual Novel, getting me thinking a bit more of Yukiteru's character. I guess with my anger fading, my interest in him has lessened? He's a bore to me now, for some reason.

Anyway 💥💥 hope you enjoy the song

One more thing—

There are three kinds of people:

The people who are initially angry with Yukiteru for not being more aggressive/proactive — i.e., more of a shōnen protagonist — by accepting/embracing his circumstances much sooner than he does.

The people who are angry later at Yuki for compromising his morals around Chapter 37/Episode 19 AND for continuing to associate with Yuno after she kidnapped him.

The people who can understand and accept his actions/behavior throughout.

In my experience, most people who read/watch Future Diary seem to come away feeling like #1s. You're evidently either a #1 or #2. But I'm a #3 myself. I've spoken before on here about how I think he's maybe the most relatable and realistic protagonist I've ever seen in an anime. Because if someone drops me into a murder game without my consent in RL, I'm definitely going to start out by panicking, running, sweating profusely, crying about my fucked-up lot in life, and trying to find some way to NOT murder people while also surviving. So in fact, the entire reason I love him as a protagonist is the same reason the #1s dislike him, it seems.

But you know, when shit gets really hard for me? After my initial freak-out, I start to try and logic my way through it from a detached point of view. I try to approach my problems from some full-on Vulcan-ass perspective as a means of dealing with my anxiety and stress, you know? And that's where Yuki's about-face comes in — Thanks to some extra-personal tragedies and bloodshed, he finally buckles down, adjusts his morality relative to his situation, and pursues what seems to him to be the most rational path. And all the while, despite the compromises he's made to his morals, he's trying to still believe he can be a good person and still hold himself to a higher standard by promising to resurrect everyone he can when he has the power.

Basically, I fucking get him. Lol. And I like him a lot for that.

As for the song, I think it really DOES fit him — especially the first third! Up until 1:05, I have like zero qualms with saying this song could be about Yuki. lol. Then the second third has some lines I don't quite follow enough or don't think fully vibe with him, but the last third kind of brings it back around to be closer to the first.

And thank you for the little piece of art :)

[fleeting-sanity]

New Year

Meh, another rant, please scroll past. I wish therapists exist here.

Ever since I lost the cat in my avatar, it feels like my life's been on a different trajectory. A downward spiral.

Eldest moved in with his family months ago, and bills have tripled with no contributions from his part. He made changes to the house that I despised. I hate seeing my elderly Dad having to pay for it all with his retirement. The money he gave me each month to pay for bills sometimes isn't enough and that means I'm paying for it. I allocated money each month for cat food and this is making a dent to it. But not a single peep from my parents when it comes to my brothers being losers though, criticism is only reserved for me. Because I have a pussy maybe? Because I'm the one actively talking to them to keep them company, but that apparently translates to them making me their emotional punching bag <3

I'm NOT going to pay for my brother's family, tf. What did he do all day, you may ask. Games on his phone, tiktok, then fishing trips. Little bit of money he earns goes towards rolling cigarettes.

They brought cats in without consulting me which is making Gepeng stressed. I'm not gonna change my mind that I'm noping out once Gepeng is gone too. This time however, I'm doing it out of spite.

I want to move out so bad. But I'm broke, jobless, old, depressed, and clueless. I want to be like those reddit stories where kids move out at 18 and be independent. I want that. But I don't live in a 1st world country. In here if you're poor, have fun starving to death. Welfare? Government aids? Those are as real as a unicorn. Living costs are sky high. Mental health? Nope you just have to seek GOD. I have no RL friends and my big extended family is struggling on their own. They are most likely to snitch anyways. I'm an easy trafficking target.

Yeah, big blowout with Mom because I've been quick to anger lately over my cat. She said the most vilest things to me but two can play this game. I'm not gonna delude myself into thinking I'm a good person. All the vile shit she said about me is true. I was calm because she's only telling me things I already know. I don't want to be her daughter anymore. Me & late brother shouldn't have been born. I am toxic.

Which leads me to my friendships. I'm an emotional vampire. I'm draining and whiny. No actions to improve my condition that I cried to them so much about. Of course they're gonna be sick of me, hell I'm sick of myself. I'm not talking to my family and friends anymore. I'm isolating myself because I feel... I've reached the endgame. I'm wary of relationships now. Of even friendships. I've had some kind souls reaching out to me but I don't feel like opening up anymore.

So for 2024, I think I'm going to try minimizing this pity party for myself and be as emotionally closed off as possible. I only have my cat to talk to and that's okay. She's shown me more mental compassion than the humans I called family and they're perplexed as to why am I so obsessed with cats. It's silly to them.

I used to pray to get more jobs but not anymore. Maybe this little saving I have may last a few years for feeding my cat alone. I don't need food or necessities. I'm always grateful to those who still want to support and buy art from me. Your help means more than I could ever express.

I used to say that I have endless amount of hope. But that stops now.

[ravynfyre]

rl drama crap. I'm basically being selfish, but I need to get this off my chest...

warning, this is long as shit because drama.

I didn't keep in touch with most of my old high school folks because 1) most of the high school folks treated me like shit when we were there and 2) the ones who were my friends started treating me like shit as an adult, so what's the point. I have new friends now.

There's a couple, tho, that I didn't ghost... one who was a very close friend who underwent a serious brain injury, and is now... basically she's a child stuck in an adult's body. We keep in touch because I'm the only one of us "forever friends" who *did*, and she remembers that. Unfortunately, she also has basically made me her lynchpin of sanity, and it's actually pretty stressful getting mentioned by her all the time for not being available enough, and her jealousy because I *do* have other friends, and the fact that I live close to 4 hours away now means that we haven't actually physically seen each other since before covid. But I suck it up and tend to delete the comments on my posts that are... inflammatory because she literally doesn't understand what she is saying or commenting on? And just soldier on through the jealousy because she's not actually capable of understanding what she is doing to me or why it might suck. It is what it is and we make it work.

There was another friend, though, who was a friend, but... like a peripheral friend? We were in the same friend group, we were close, but we weren't *close* close. We'd comment on each other's FB stuff, but we didn't even chat on FB because we just weren't that close. But we kept an eye out for one another...

right up until he started having a protracted mental health crisis. Part of the crisis involved potentially rehoming his dog, and, if any of all y'all playing the home game here have been paying attention, I do have a soft spot for dogs. So after he got over some furor about a vaguepost about rehoming his dog, he contacted me privately and asked if I could help. I wasn't *actually* looking to bring another dog into my pack right now, but I knew the dog and figured, "I should be a friend and help him out." So we sorted out that, at a minimum, when he had to work out of town for a week coming up, that I would take his dog on for the week to see how that went.

Then he proceeded to string me along for nearly 18 hours: "I'll be there in the afternoon." "Oh, I had something come up, I haven't left yet, but I'm leaving soon." "Oh, still haven't left yet, would you mind staying up late for us?" "Uh, so, this thing happened.." And, eventually, what was supposed to be an afternoon arrival, became him showing up at 9am the next morning... and yes, I stayed up nearly the entire night waiting for him, or at least for an update, because he could never fucking let me know what was going on until *I* poked him. But eventually the dog was dropped off, and the dog's a sweet little guy who is a potted plant with fur, and has slotted into my pack quite well.

So. Dog has been with me for 36 hours. No issues. Dog is sweet. Friend calls me at... 8pm? I think it was? "Can your dogs do without you for about... 5 hours?" uhhhh.... yeah? sure? Why? "Because I'm [two and a half hours away] and I need a ride home from someone or this hospital won't let me leave." JFC, what happened!? Are you okay!? "Oh, I'm *fine*, but my family thinks I'm having a manic thing and that I should check myself into this hospital, but I don't want to do that, so they threatened to call the cops and have me involuntarily taken in if I left without someone supervising me. I'll pay for your gas! I wasn't going to call you because I didn't want to bother you, but no one else I know is available or willing." (not even his own family, although, admittedly, the nearest ones *are* 5 hours fro his location)

....hoo boy. This... this just doesn't sound like the kind of circus I want to involve myself in, but he's a friend, and he's in need, and I'm weak to saying no to people who need help, and especially people I know... so I tell him that I'll be on the road in 15 minutes, and to text me his exact address. And thus, I spend 2.5 hours on the road to arrive at this hospital, to the exact entrance he told me to come to... and I wait. And wait. And wait, until he sends me a photograph of where he is, which is a completely different entrance, all the while insisting that it is the entrance that I am sitting at waiting for him. (how many red flags has this been now?) But I eventually get him loaded up and we hit the road.

Of course, when I stop for fuel, he "forgets" that he promised to pay for fuel, and he's *definitely* in the middle of a significant mental health crisis, so I choose not to pester him. My truck takes a lot of fuel, and this pump only let me do half a tank at a time, so he "remembers" that he was going to cover fuel soon enough that he catches the second half the tank. Then we are back on the road, and he is talking to people about trying to figure out how he is going to make it back "home" from my place (another 2.5-3 hours north of me) and eventually tells his wife that he'll find a greyhound the next day, and I'm like, no. 1) the nearest greyhound depot is an hour north anyway, and 2) I'm not putting a friend on a greyhound for home, MUCH LESS one in the middle of a mental health crisis. That is a recipe for someone getting *shot*. So I tell him that I will just take him all the way back home, either then, or in the morning. We all (him, me, his wife, his parents, his sister, his boss) decide that that is a good plan, and so opt for the next morning. This is when I figure that I will just make it a trip and go see the first friend from up there while I am in town(ish) and just get it all over with at once. (and maybe visit my parents' graves, while I am at it. depending on timing. full trauma trip ftw!)

Next morning, he informs me that his parents are going to meet us halfway because, even though he only paid for half a tank of fuel, it was going to take another full tank (at least) to get him home and me back home, and he really "just couldn't afford that after all". So I resign myself to racking up a couple hundred on one of my credit cards, because, yeah, and I'm very glad that I hadn't messaged brain-injury friend to tell her I was coming up that day, because now I am not. We also decide that I will keep his dog for the time being, because he has to come back this way in a week, so he can get him then, and it will be less hassle dealing with his dog *and* his family right now, and I'm like, cool. That's fine.

Drive him north and get to where we are meeting his folks at less than a minute before they pull in, so win and pie. They buy us all lunch (and PIE, so it literally *was* win and pie!), and he... wanders off a few times during the meal, wherein his parents grill me on his state. I agree that he is in the middle of a mental health crisis, but that no one can legally commit him involuntarily because he is not actually a danger to himself or anyone else. That's my professional, paramedic opinion. That he needs a stable, *familiar* environment, and he needs to talk to his therapist, pronto. Mom is not happy; she was hoping that I would agree to commit him. Sorry, can't do it in my state. Maybe things are less strict in yours, but not here. Then she asks if I could "take him on for a while."

No. Just no. He is NOT my responsibility, and I do not have room in my tiny house, and do not have enough mental health, myself, to deal with his issues. No. Sorry, but no fucking way. I have his dog. He needs his family and his therapist, and this is not my fucking circus. (Said much more politely, of course, but I was firm.) Se's disappointed, but agrees that my 900 square foot farm bungalow probably wasn't a good place for him. Fortunately SHE and her husband remember to cover my fuel, because HE "forgets" for a third time, so at least I'm not going into debt over this fiasco. He loads his stuff in their car, and we part ways.

Three days later, I leave for horse camp. Something I told him, his family, and his wife, *multiple times* that I would be completely out of contact for. And in that 10 days, I got roughly 8 requests to facetime with him so he could see his dog. The dog that was staying with my farmsitters while I was in another state. And each time, "oh yeah. I knew that. Okay." and ten hours later, another fucking request. That whole trip ended up NOT being the vacation that it was supposed to be, and he really did not help.

Get back and radio silence from him for two days... which was odd as we were *supposed* to talk about him getting his dog as soon as I got back. Then his *wife* contacts me. He's radio silent because he's *in jail*. For assaulting her - IN FRONT OF HER KID. She wants to make sure that I will "be there for him".

Not to sound like a shitbag, but... I will be there for him inasmuch as I *can*, however, HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, and I am NOT a mental health provider. I am NOT going to "take him on." I am NOT going to invite him into my home, especially now that he has resorted to violence with someone. Yeah, I'll talk to him, but I ain't no shrink, and I have my OWN issues - involving a major emergency that resulted in the death of my new beloved mule, so I was pretty fucked up (and sick as shit with what turned out to be covid, to boot) too... so...

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm not going to race to another state again and leave my farm in the lurch to hold someone's hand who HAS mental health resources, just because I did it once for an emergency. ESPECIALLY not a domestic abuser. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not going to prison for defending myself. Or my dogs.

I explain gently that I'll do what I can, but, honestly, she needs to worry about herself and her mental health, rather than his right now. That SHE is the victim, and I'll take care of his dog for however long that takes, even if it's forever... but I'm not leaving my home right now. Okay. cool. We're solid.

Then the day of the mule emergency, he pesters me several times to "see his dog", and when I tell him that I can't, as I am literally in the middle of an extreme emergency, he says that he's "only a couple hours away, he'll leave right away to help me." Y'know what? That's sweet, but no. DO NOT COME DOWN HERE. He can't actually help me, and having him around will make it so much worse. So he finally concedes and stays home, which is good, because he has a court date in two days anyway!

I don't hear about how the court date goes. He's radio silent again. I'm assuming he's getting evaluated or something. Honestly, my mule is dead, I'm sick with covid, and I do not give a fuck. I try to move on with life, which is fucking hard, and I still have a hard time NOW dragging out of bed, because I failed Ranger, and that whole 20 hour mess was just so terrible. But on we go.

A week or so later, he starts messaging me again, agitating for a "video call" so he can see his dog, and, despite the fact that I do NOT "video chat" with ANYONE, I finally relent, because, dog. I can grok that. That was a couple nights ago, and he opens the chat with him, shirtless, in bed.

Uh, no. Sorry. But I'm not comfortable with that. So I promptly get down on the floor and keep the camera aimed at his dog so he can get his dog fix, and so I don't have to see him shirtless in bed. Eventually, he keeps the camera on his end aimed off somewhere that isn't even his face, so it's easier for me, but that was mainly, I think, because he just got lazy about holding his phone. Then toward the end of the call, "Can we make this a regular thing?"

PANIC!

Uhh... I'll try, but I really don't talk on the phone much, and I do not do video chatting at all. But I'll try what I can, so you can see your dog. Okay, cool, and then he goes off on a rant about his wife and his family, that included chestnuts to the effect of: "I know that my wife was well within her rights to file a police report as a *victim*, but she didn't really think about what that would do to *me*." And: "My parents were apparently there that night, and they *urged* her to file a report as a victim, in the hopes that I would end up getting taken to the hospital, since I won't go willingly. And it makes me really mad that they didn't even either know, are care about the fact that doing so could have, or might even still *could* result in 30 days of jail time for me! (You know, for physically assaulting his wife.) Just to get me into the hospital!"

And he is saying this shit without even the slightest understanding that, mental health crisis or no, HE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE, and his opinions about his care and feeding stopped having any relevance the moment his hand contacted his wife's body. But I managed to not go off on him about his victim blaming, responsibility ducking bullshit. I should have just let loose, though, I think. But "he's my friend" and "I should be more supportive"... or something, I guess.

Okay. Tonight, at 8:15, he messages me out of the blue, "Can we chat tonight? 8:30?"

No. Fuck you, no. I do not video chat, and I need to work myself up to that. I don't even answer the NON-video phone for unexpected calls, except from, like, three people. I'm sorry. I'm selfish. But I do NOT handle sudden changes in my plans well, even if that change is from "computer screw off time" to "chatting with someone I know". I know I'm a shitty person for that, but, seriously, no. I had a fucking micro panic attack when he asked me that, and had to spend some time calming myself down before I could coherently message him back that, no, tonight wasn't good, but tomorrow would work. He was very disappointed but agreed for tomorrow night. It's in his "calendar" so he doesn't forget. Okay, whatever. So now I have 24 hours to work myself up to do another fucking video chat, and it'll be interesting to see what he shows up in this time.

But I swear to dog that if he goes off on that "what about MEEEE?!" shit again, I am not going to suck it up. I am going to have a come to chuthullu moment with him, because, no. Unless your spouse is trying to murder you, or is spouting nazi rhetoric, THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING YOUR PARTNER. Or your friend. Or who the fuck ever.

And I feel partially responsible, because if I *had* urged his folks to commit him involuntarily, maybe he wouldn't have been out to assault her. Maybe he would have gotten the whatever he needed. He'd at least have been forced to take his fucking meds correctly for a few days. That couldn't have done anything but help.

But I'm really fucking regretting *ever* having answered him, right from the beginning, when it started with his dog. The dog is great. Little bit of a pain in my ass, since it's another body to deal with, but he's harmless and sweet and only a *tiny* bit of a pest. But if I had just ignored that ask, or said no, then maybe my friend would not have dragged me into his fucking circus that I feel somewhat trapped in now... and I really doubt that he would have called me at night to drive to another state to pick him up, thus cementing me as the "first among all of his circle of friends". I don't WANT to be first. I don't even want to be in that circle, to be honest. I get enough pressure to perform from my brain-injured friend. I don't need another fucking person pouring the foundation of their mental health upon the pilings of MY availability and attention! And yes, I know that makes me a shitty friend and a shitty person, but I can't. I just can't.

And there's a big part of me that just kinda wonders... we weren't this close of friends before. Not when I burned my house down. Not when I got a divorce. Not when my dad died. Not when I was injured and had to give up my DREAM. Not when my mom died. I only got an invitation to his wedding because our whole friend group got an invitation, not because of any other perceived or actual connection. We were never *this close*... until he needed someone and no one else would do it.

the firefighter part of me enjoys being the person people turn to for help. but there's a difference between asking for help, and taking advantage of... and i just keep trying to remember that, in the event of an emergency, you should always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting with anyone else's.

even if that makes me the shittiest person in the world.

[mirceakitsune]

Seeking a Peertube server for animation, question about streaming

I recently returned from my trip to the seaside and have been thinking of what to do from here on. I've been fighting demotivation in getting new work done even if I'm still on it, which has been going for a variety of reasons. One is that I'm legitimately unsure where I can safely post my work any more, image video and games alike… the ideological bullshit is getting worse by the day, I'm frankly sick of constantly feeling someone's breathing over my shoulder and I have to justify myself to the owners of every platform to create whatever the heck I feel like drawing or rendering. On top of having the world itself against me, it feels like whenever I do manage to create something nice I end up driving more people away and losing patrons: Earlier this year I literally created my first (almost) finished game from scratch, yet I went from a bare minimum of some 60$ a month to nearly 30$ per month which I can't even payout to my account due to how small the sum is… it's like everything is working in reverse, the more I try the less anyone cares. I'm actively pondering if and when I may have to just shut down my Patreon and stop making stuff, just waiting for the money to run out and everything to be over; Especially with the added stress of potentially getting banned for anything "immoral" I might create including what I do elsewhere, part of me just wants to be done already… it's not an actual decision so don't worry, but at the same time I don't even know any more at this rate.

For now I've been thinking about the first issue: One of my biggest problems is having no proper place to safely post my animations. Considering I use Mastodon and am gravitating toward the fediverse, I've been exclusively thinking of using Peertube as a platform, mainly as I only trust decentralized systems at this point in time. But as usual the question is which server do I choose? I took a look at https://joinpeertube.org/instances and https://instances.joinpeertube.org/instances but it's hard to see the specifics such as their rules. I was hoping someone else might be able to help me here: Do you know of any fitting Peertube instance where I can post animation without needing to worry? This might help quite a bit in being able to share and keep making animated content. The criteria I'm looking for servers to match at least roughly:

Allows NSFW content obviously. I don't care about RL stuff but no puritanism on artistic creations.

No moral crap for fiction! This includes the underage shit if possible: While I have no active plans to make cub stuff, I want to avoid any place subject to extremist ideological shit dictating what I make.

Be stable enough and ran by a trustworthy team. Ideally have enough funding to be sure there's no risk of going down: Large fediverse servers in the past had shut down when users least expected them to.

Supports video at reasonable quality. Meaning 1080p @ 60 FPS at the very least. I probably won't do 4k or 120 FPS, even for stereoscopy / VR it remains too resource intensive to be practical today.

I noticed they use size limits per account which might be problematic if I plan to archive all animations. I'd definitely need at least 20 GB per user, even that will push me to require H.265 compression.

In addition I have a second question I'd like to ask here: I've been seriously considering streaming, particularly of quality FOSS games which are themselves an underrated category. I have a Twitch / Trovo account but never streamed myself, and it's definitely something I could see myself doing! I have everything I need for it including a quality webcam… less for a dual monitor setup since I literally don't want two monitors but who needs that. It seems really fun and maybe I'll get to interact with people in a positive way for a change. Who here would be interested in watching me play games as well as potentially doing some mapping?

[shinelikethunder]

And the mentality that you MUST disclose your sexuality and gender identity is frustrating because it's based on the experiences of an (often very young) group of people from ultra-liberal areas of liberal countries. Some people aren't out online, or are out only to their friends, because homosexuality is illegal in their countries. For me, personally, my fandom identity isn't linked to my IRL identity, but I'm not out simply because it's much easier to explain away liking and writing F/F (1/2)

than it is to explain a blog descriptor like (24 | cis | bi). The current climate of disclosing everything about yourself is frustrating because it completely ignores people who don't, for personal and safety reasons, want to disclose their sexuality and gender identity online. (2/2)

I’m sorry you can’t be out openly, anon, and I hope things get better where you are. Especially if you’re in a country where homosexuality is outlawed. The US state I live in still had actively-enforced sodomy laws when I was a baby queer figuring my shit out, and it’s an incredibly fucked-up and stressful thing to live under, even though I was in a liberal area with an accepting family. So here’s a big fat middle finger aimed at the pressure to disclose more than you’re comfortable with, and two big fat middle fingers for anyone trying to shut you out of online support networks for actually having privacy interests in that information.

And yeah, the shape all the discourse-squabbling and queerer-than-thou-ing takes is really, strikingly callous towards the actual vulnerabilities that are supposedly the basis of all the militancy. It’s... ugh, “privileged” has become such a loaded word. But it is, in the less-loaded sense of “oblivious dismissiveness towards problems one is lucky enough not to be forced to think about.” Except those problems are the same ones they claim to be crusading against in the first place. And it doesn’t stop with demands that everyone disclose their sexual identity (or abuse history, in closely related discourse).

Like, not to veer too far off-topic, but the cavalier use of doxxing/outing RL identities/trying to get someone sacked or investigated by the police or get their fucking children taken away, as a routine intimidation tactic in fandom arguments that devolve into pseudo-SJ wank? That shit may not happen in all fandoms, but it’s flat-out horrifying, and it’s rooted in similar indifference to the very harms that are being used as a pretext for aggression. And when it’s done by sheltered teenagers and college students who’ve never had to support themselves, don’t have kids, have never had to worry about getting fucking jailed for being queer, reblog a thousand guilt-trippy "spread this like wildfire” posts about police brutality but don’t even stop to make the connection before they try to drag the authorities into their discourse pissing matches... it makes me want to slap them. Other people’s lives, livelihoods, families, and freedom are not your playthings. If other people’s disclosure--which might put them at considerable personal risk--is just a chip they gotta throw into a silly online status game in order to not get shat on, a chip that might later be exploited to terrorize them if the game turns ugly... that game doesn’t deserve to be called “activism.” No matter how many of the rote motions of activism it’s going through.