#I'm trying to be more myself and be more brave but my binders don't fit and I can't use a sewing machine

[kowabungadoodles]

dumping some thoughts in the tags

[notsuchasecret]

So here's the thing. I thought long and hard about this post today. But it needs to be said.

I am transgender. I don't look like it to most people. Today I'm wearing a skirt and a crop top, and it doesn't make me any less trans than yesterday when I wore a button-up I stole from my dad over my binder. I have spent too long trying to fit into boxes so that I'm "trans enough". I AM trans enough. Just by nature of being me, of being agender or nonbinary or transmasculine or any other term you could apply to me. And I'm done denying myself things to fit into those boxes. I like to wear skirts because they're comfy and pretty. Doesn't make me a girl. Doesn't make me a man. The only thing that can make me one of those things is me.

About a million years ago, so long that I can't even remember who it was, someone asked me why we queer folks make such a big deal out of our identities. Why we host parades and festivals, why we have riots and days of visibility. Here's why:

Because the little button on my shirt puts me in immediate danger. Because there are people who will - and actively do - kill people like me for existing. But this isn't meant to be a sad post, and I don't want anyone feeling guilty over it. Because there's more.

I go to Pride and I make these posts and I introduce myself with my pronouns for a very specific set of reasons:

1. The young woman I know, who I'm pretty sure isn't out to anyone other than me in our collective social circle.

2. My best friend's nibling, who has an awesome aunt and uncle and whose mom is standing up for them, and who gets to have a coming-out party but has to set it up as a preparation for all the battles they'll have to fight as they finish growing up.

3. For the younger version of myself, who didn't even know that these parts of my identity, these pieces of myself that I love so dearly, were even options. Because no one ever told me they were options, until I was nineteen. And that's not the fault of any one person, but of a society that tries to brush these things under the rug.

And most importantly:

4. My son. My beautiful, brave, intelligent, funny, incredible trans son. Even if I never get to see him or speak to him again, I will always love him and be so, so, SO proud of him. And I will always fight for his right to be exactly who he wants to be.

Today is the #transgenderdayofvisibility . I will no longer hide myself or contort myself into boxes to make nice. I am here. I am me. I am transgender.

And I am happy.

Loved.

Beautiful.

Intelligent.

Creative.

Strong.

And I am not going away anytime soon.

[dangan-happy]

(Beep boop, I'm stuck in the chicken coop (For Nagito, Rantaro and Shuichi if that's okay))

So uhm.. I've been questioning my gender for a while and I think I've finally found something that I can identify with, so I decided to try and come out to my sister. She's really important to me and she's a great person, and honestly she's pretty much the one who raised me. So I told her I think I'm a demigirl, but she didn't really react like I expected her to.. she said that demigenders were unnecessary labels and I should just go as non-binary. And I think she has a point, but I just feel like I shouldn't because I am binary, just not completely binary and I'm scared it'd be disrespectful. Honestly, I'm kinda scared that I'm actually cis and just trying to be a part of the community or something.. I mean, sometimes I feel like dressing girly and I want people to adress me as a girl, and other times I feel like hiding my chest and dressing androgynous and I want people to adress me like I have no gender, but it's not something I can say I've felt my whole life... I used to have long hair and feel like it wasn't me in the mirror, and recently I cut it short and now I really feel like myself but does that really mean I'm non binary or am I just gender non conforming?

I told her I wanted to get a binder and she said she'd help me get one, but I also really don't want my parents to know. I know they won't hurt me or kick me out, but I think they'll mock me or complain about it.. I know for sure they won't understand.

I'm just not sure who I am anymore and it's really bothering me a lot..

Hey anon, I'm happy to try and help you out. First of all let me say I'm proud of you for sticking with the questioning. It's really not an easy thing to do, and I'm glad you were willing to keep looking for what makes you feel comfortable. Ok, I'm gonna be totally transparent and say that I know nothing about the identities that are under the umbrella of non binary. It's really not my place to talk about those, and I feel like a quick google search wouldn't give me enough information to have some solid knowledge. So, I'm still gonna give you my two cents, I just can't really talk on identifying as those identities. Alright, it was real brave of you to come out to your sister, and I'm real sorry that she didn't exactly react how you wanted her to. Honestly, I think you should go with how you feel. It's ok if you don't fit into any specific label, you can't help how you feel. Trust your gut on this. The only person who knows the right identity for you is you. I'm sorry you have to worry about being disrespectful. You have a right to identify as whatever you want without having to worry about these kinds of things.

I can't tell you what you are, like I said, only you know the answer to that. What I can say is that judging on what you said about yourself, like the dressing girly sometimes or looking androgynous other times, you do seem to be a little more fluid with your gender identity. Again, you don't have to fit neatly into any label. I think any identity is valid if you're safely expressing how you feel. You might need a little more questioning, and while that can be stressful, you'll be able to come to a solid conclusion eventually. I would do some more research into different identities to see if any resound with you, and if you're a demi girl, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Personally, I do think your sister was a little out of line. It's not her place to comment on what you are or aren't, and while she may have good intentions, overall I think her comments hurt you. It might help to talk to her about that, she obviously cares for you and you care for her, so I think she'd be pretty open to hearing your thoughts. The best I can say is keep on keeping on. There's never an easy answer to these kinds of things, but I know that you can get through this.

If you want to get a binder and you have help getting one, I think you should go for it. If you can do something to make you a little more comfortable, then that's great. Also I think that it's ok that you don't want your parents  to know. A lot of parents don't handle this stuff well, and while I'm glad you're not in any physical danger, I'm real sorry to hear that they wouldn't be very accepting. At the end of the day, it's your opinion that matters genderwise, not theirs. They don't get to say what you are either, and while they might mock you, they can't stop you from feeling how you are. It might help to keep that in mind. It's ok if you don't know who you are right now. No one knows exactly who they are without a little trial and error. You're in a part of your life where you're figuring that out, and that's perfectly natural. I can't say that I ever did much gender questioning, but I did question my sexuality for a while. It's messy and dissatisfying, but the questioning stage seems to be part of the process of finding who you are. I wish I could give you the ultimate answer, and I've already said this but you just gotta keep on going. I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, I'm not too sure what else to say, so if this answer is terrible that's on me. However, I'm still proud of you for getting as far as you have, it takes a lot of strength to get here, and even more strength to keep going, and I know you can do that. Good luck anon, you might not have all the answers right now, but one day you will. 

[that-sweet-sweet-validation-blog]

I don't really need validation but I need some advice if that's a Thing you do?? I feel so stupid and I don't even know what to do rn because I feel like I'm having some kind of dumb crisis and I'm just??? I'm 26 years old and I've been a cis woman my whole life and I have never once had a conscious issue with it but in the last few months I've sort of been questioning everything and it's intensified in the past week or so to the point where I've even been looking up boy names and binders 1/7

I'm just... so confused? I'm thinking about it and I don't really even hate my body and I align very strongly with certain feminine things like makeup and feminine fashion and the more I think about it I know I don't want to give those things up. I don't think I'm nonbinary, not as I understand it, but is it possible to be a very feminine trans boy? I honestly don't understand what's happening with me 2/7

Looking back I can pinpoint a few times in my life where I felt like things weren't exactly right like how I would get furious as a very young kid playing pretend and calling myself a king when my mom tried to correct me to call myself a queen, times when I only wore clothes from the men's department, a long period of time when I was uncomfortable with feminine pronouns, but nothing ever really sparked any kind of realization in me 3/7

This is very atypical isn't it? Surely I would have noticed something was wrong before this. Aren't most people younger when they figure this out? This is probably so stupid and you're going to be like 'what even is wrong with this person' and I'm sorry to bother you, I just don't really know who I can talk to about this :/ 4/7

(These two parts were hidden to protect the privacy of the anon.)

I'm so sorry for ranting for so long at you, please don't feel obligated to acknowledge me, I'm just old and dumb and I have no idea what's happening. 7/7

My response starts here:

Hello my friend! I can see that you are going through some very difficult things right now. I first and foremost want to clearly and plainly say that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t dumb for sending an ask. You aren’t dumb for asking someone for help. You certainly aren’t dumb for questioning your gender identity. You aren’t dumb for questioning at your age, either. Take a deep breath, in and out. Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, my friend. You deserve as much compassion and kindness as every other struggling LGBT+ person I speak to. You deserve happiness, and it’s okay to be sad or confused. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have to have all the answers, and guess what? Nobody does. Sometimes you just don’t know, and you have to take time to figure things out. That’s okay. Take your time. Don’t rush yourself into anything or try to put yourself in a box. Don’t panic because you aren’t sure where you fit yet. The answers will come. Maybe it will take a while, but they will. Some people know in a week and others in a few years. Their one similarity, though, is that they all eventually know. You will know. You will understand. You will not always be this unsure of yourself. And goodness gracious, I promise your situation is not at all atypical. You, as surprising as this may seem, are a textbook trans stereotype. That can be soothing in a way, I’m sure. So, so many people start questioning and/or transitioning well into adulthood. Some people transition in their thirties. Some people start questioning in their sixties. These people aren’t alone, and they make up a fairly large portion of the LGBT+ community. Despite what you may think, you are anything but late to the party. It is never too late to question your gender identity. It is never too late to transition. People all develop at different rates and different points throughout their life. Some people only come to realize their gender identity at your age. That isn’t at all uncommon or stupid or unhealthy. There are undoubtedly plenty of people just like you. I am so incredibly glad that you were brave enough to send me this and ask for advice and assurance. That takes a lot of courage sometimes. I want you to know, before I even say anything else, that I’m here. I am always here for you if you ever need me. Anytime you need to talk about anything gender related. Anytime you need someone to help you with these kinds of issues. I’m here for your support anytime you need it, and there is no shame in accepting the help you are given. My heart broke when I read your asks because you sound a lot like I did when I was questioning. I remember vividly how scared I was to be abnormal, how terrified I was to be wrong. My biggest fear by far was that it really was a phase and I was faking being trans. Every trans person I know has admitted to having similar doubts. It is extremely common. Society pushes us to be nothing but cis and straight, so we have trouble recognizing when we aren’t. It took me a long time to figure out if I was really trans or not. Long story short: I was. I am very much a guy. Feminine as I am, and there are many ways in which I am feminine. Plenty of trans guys I know are like me, actually. My boyfriend, who is also a trans guy, loves makeup. My friend, who is a non-binary trans boy, loves the color pink. There is never any reason you’d have to give up those things, not even being trans. There can be feminine boys, so there can absolutely be feminine trans boys. Not only that, but it very well may be that you are a feminine trans boy. A lot of the feelings you’ve described would very much fall into the category of gender dysphoria. Most trans people have always had some dysphoria but didn’t recognize it until they came to understand their identity. For example, I would always refuse to wear dresses when I was little. I didn’t know this was dysphoria until I knew I was trans. Not only that, but every trans person experiences different dysphoria about different things. Some only are uncomfortable with certain things and fine with others. Some don’t even have dysphoria at all but are just more comfortable presenting as their true gender. There are trans guys who wear dresses and feel fine. Others could never do that without feeling very uncomfortable. Dysphoria, like all experiences, is different for everyone. I’m sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. I’ve been there. And really, who hasn’t? Everybody tends to think that they are the outcast, the defect, the one who is different or atypical or wrong. And the truth is that, well, they’re right. Everyone is incredibly, tremendously, entirely weird. There is no such thing as a normal case of transness because every trans person is different. There is no transgender rulebook. There are no guidelines. Being trans isn’t about being just like every other trans guy, it’s about how you feel and what would make you most comfortable. Now, as for the situation with your ex, I’m very sorry about that. Changes like these are hard enough on their own, so it can be very upsetting when something like this complicates the situation. Quite simply, there is nothing you can do to quell people’s assumptions but tell them the truth. Tell them that your transness has nothing to do with your ex. That is the honest truth, and whoever doesn’t believe that isn’t a very good person to be associating yourself with. I know how scary coming out may seem right now, but it’s probably best to entirely set that thought aside for now. Cross that bridge when you get to it. I never want to assume anything, but it doesn’t really seem like you’re in a good place to come out right now. I’d recommend that you perhaps focus more on yourself and accepting the changes in your feelings that are happening right now. Again, like I said, take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I promise you will eventually feel better and this will become easier. I hope you find what you are looking for soon. Remember to be kind to yourself! Good luck, my friend.

[newhologram]

Okay, so conversely - I'm gay, and because of the general groups of people I've been out to, I've either been told I don't act feminine/"queer" enough, or treated as an embarrassing failure when I tried. Independently, I've still been called a fag, as a slur. So how am I -not- supposed to look askance at a term like "girlfag," when you make it clear that there's only a very limited set of gay guys you identify with, and you disparage all the others?

I understand that this is controversial because of the language and meaning the same way that “male lesbian” has been for a long time.

But I think you may have misinterpreted something because I do not understand where this assumption comes from. There seems to be some connection you have made which is false. There is not a very limited set of gay guys I identify with (and I do not disparage all the others, why would that mean that?).

I mean to be honest it’s pretty confusing for myself,  I also have a major dissociation between my “woman” self and myself, New, whoever this is, so it gets confusing and difficult for me to express in ways that won’t be misread (and offend someone, because my experience is weird but I know after all these years that I am not alone in this feeling). 

I have never been able to feel attractive as a woman, and when I finally got brave enough to start binding, it was life-changing. I suddenly stopped feeling hideous. For a long time it was the only thing that made me feel okay. If I had to skip binding one day to school or work I felt so damn ugly and I can’t really fully explain why because it’s hard for me to understand myself. I felt horrible on those days. I really miss binding but with my chronic pain I just can’t and it wouldn’t be healthy to keep doing so like I did anyway. I wore it for too long, I wasn’t really responsible or safe, but I had such horrible anxiety when I took the thing off that it became like a security blanket.

Also as a child I identified almost exclusively with male characters even before I knew that being gay was a thing. This is not a new thing that I just decided I wanted so I could feel special, this is an experience I have had since I was small. At playtime I was always the husband, the Vegeta, the strong monster dude, the small ambiguous mutant dude. If I was a girl character I was always a pretty specific type, like Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo lol. Like if you asked me which giant alien robots I identify most with the answer would be TFP Starscream and TFP Wheeljack. I identify equally with both even though they’re very different people (you could say one is very femme and the other is butch).

When people thought I was a boy (particularly in middleschool when I was very ambiguous and my voice got deeper) I got called it in mean ways. Secretly, inside, something felt good about it (the gender part) in ways I wasn’t able to express for obvious reasons. As I got older my friends always made comments like, “you are a cute little man!” from my behavior alone, or how I came out of my shell at Pride, or how I modeled in photoshoots. Then in highschool after I confided in a friend (who later learned they were trans) my confusing feelings on gender and how I felt so lost and unhappy, they called me it jokingly as a way of saying, “I accept you” and I liked it as a confirmation. It was something nice between us. Everyone has very different experiences. 

As for my first encounters with the term younger trying to figure out my gender and sexuality, it was presented as a way of describing a certain experiences that a lot of us have with being “not trans enough” to count, even though we experience dysphoria and being differently gendered. I mean I wore a binder for like 3 years, and I got super angry when people asked me “so when are you going to get The Surgery?” for obvious reasons, bad question, rude and inappropriate and also, not every person who is differently gendered wants this. There was a boy I was hanging out with who stopped being interested when I told him about all of this because he did not want to date a boy, or whatever I was, because he was straight. And since I was something in between but at the time going by a male name, he wasn’t comfortable with it. 

In truth, it goes way back. As a girl I wasn’t girly enough to be a girl, so I was called a tomboy and often shamed for it by peers and by family. As a boy, I wasn’t butch enough or wanting to change my body enough to find shelter under the umbrella. If I was afab, but felt that things made more sense and felt more comfortable as a boy, but loved wearing wigs and eyelashes (weirdly this makes me feel a strong masculine energy, I can’t explain it ever), and eventually grew to be okay with other people not being able to grasp my gender and just thinking I was Just A Girl... then, nope, I can’t sit with anyone because I’m too different among the different. The word, like others have said, sums up a lot of that experience. 

Like. I had panic attacks a lot when I was in college because I was terrified. Terrified of what my family would think, of how people would react, terrified that I would never be happy because no one would accept me because I didn’t fit in anywhere. I lied to my dad that my binder was just a sports bra I had bought in the wrong size on accident and didn’t want to return. 

It’s not clean cut for everyone, it’s very complicated and day to day I’m still trying to figure out just who the hell and what the hell I am. I might never know.