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#vent#so it seems the shelter won't take the strays we have because we've fed them for more than 10 days#and i guess they're overwhelmed by animals already#I'm upset by this but my mom is absolutely devastated because now it's gonna be all the harder to help the pregnant cats#it kills me to see her continue to suffer over this#and just like every other medical related thing in our area there's tons of vets and most of them are expensive and judgemental#and every time i try looking up information about taking care of strays it makes it seem cruel to give these cats#even the slightest bit of love#'you're a bad person for feeding strays so you have to deal with it'#I'm willing to shell out whatever money it takes to at least get the pregnant kitten fixed to save her from the trauma#and to make my mom happy#this whole situation fucking sucks#and the cats we need to catch still won't let us touch them#it's so upsetting#and on top of everything I've got a migraine today and i have to go to work
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My friend reading The Song of Achilles: A Journey
Aight let's get this over with
2 pages in and already daddy issues and a drunk mom
I'm not gonna survive this book
No but like already this asshole is hating on both his son and mentally ill wife
Dude this guy is an idiot
I relate so hard to Patroclus
Baby's first murder
Oh Oh So this is how it is
Aw, they're so cute
Holy shit she just straight up told Patroclus he'll be dead soon
They kissed 💙
Oh shit
I'm really into this book so far Chiron is the real MVP so far
I couldn't stop smiling They are so cute
I was a little bit shocked Cause I just finished the part where they were, um, making out
I'm just happy they were happy Not for long tho, that's why I only read a few pages at a time I want happiness to last as long as it can
Achilles said the reason he will be both a hero and happy is Patroclus and I asdfghj
HE CALLED HIMSELF THE SON OF CHIRON I'M IN SHAMBLES
Yo I am in shock Absolutely dumbfounded Completely shattered
"I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world." Yo my fucking heart I can't take this
Lycomedes is also an MVP
I had Odysseus and Diomedes for only one page, but I love their dynamic already
Sneaky bitches
"Why should I kill him? He's done nothing to me." When I tell you my heart fell
"I did not plan to live after he was gone" P L E A S E
I'm at the point where there's no wind
So I assume they'll sacrifice Iphigenia
Wow I don't know how to feel about Odysseus anymore
Page 235, the war actually started
If I was in Achilles' place, I would've let the mob slash Agamemnon to smitherins
You know I would totally be down with a poly relationship between Pat, Achilles and Briseis
Agamemnon, you stupid fucking bitch
Now they're taking away Briseis
And I'm this close to just use all my rage to travel through time and space and everything to fucking bitch slap Agamemnon so hard he lands on the other side of the Trojan wall
Pat casually slit his wrist in front of Agamemnon
Buddy That was a bit dramatic
But he is 100% rightfully pissed at Achilles at this moment
Y I K E S This conversation is going to hurt me more than the knife did Patroclus' wrist
I'm getting nervous
ACHILLES WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WHAT DO YOU MEAN "Don't say that until you've heard the rest of what I've done"
Achilles, honey, I love you so much, but asking your mom to ask Zeus to turn against your side of the army out of pettiness is a biiiiiit too much
"HE'S HALF OF MY SOUL, AS THE POETS SAY" I CAN'T
We're getting close to the moment I fear They are at the duels or I don't know what they're called in English Paris disappeared from the battlefield, now Ajax and Hector ended in a tie
It's so sad reading Patroclus' reactions How he said he knows the victims, or, well, knew That line hit hard honestly
ACHILLES P L E A S E
PAT IS CRYING AND I'M LITERALLY MOMENTS AWAY FROM CRYING TOO
NOT THE OUTFIT SWAP
I'M MILDLY SHAKING
APOLLO YOU BITCH
NOOOOOOOOOOO He's dead And I know it only gets worse from here
HE TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF KC
Briseis, honey, I know you're upset too, but now is not the time Just because you're partially right
I don't want to call Thetis a bitch Because I partially understand her feelings and Who am I kidding She's a B I T C H
I'M ABOUT TO THROW HANDS WITH A 12 YEAR OKD
BRISEIS NOOOOOOOOOOO
LITTLE FUCKER IS DEAD 🍾
"I am made of memories" P L E A S E
I'm not fine
"Go," She says. "He waits for you." In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun. I am Devastated Absolutely hurt Everything is pain But they're together Finally I need a few hours after this What a way to end the year
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So uh TIL that my relationship with failure is not normal and there's actually a word (acronym) for it, thank you for that (sorry I don't know how to make that not sound sarcastic!), I'm gonna go read all things ever about RSD now
[cw: frank discussion of mental illness and its symptoms]
Being absolutely real with you here, anon, RSD is fucking terrible. It’s a terrible symptom of a frustrating disorder and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. Like I say this as someone with a variety of mental health issues (maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s PTSD) who’s struggled with suicidal ideation since about age seven or eight -- RSD is one of the absolute hardest things I deal with. It’s more than just feeling broken or fucked up or unlovable; it’s an absolutely physical, devastating reaction that can be impossible to logic your way out of.
It is not normal to fixate on perceived rejection, faults, or mistakes. It is not normal to hate yourself every time you make the smallest error or don’t succeed at something you’ve tried. It is not normal to make a tiny error or get in an argument and then spiral over it for days, weeks, months, maybe even years. I definitely disobeyed once when I was like eight and worried about my mom finding out and not loving me anymore for... I wanna say about seven years. I finally told her like three years ago (I WAS STILL NERVOUS) and I am thirty-two now. She... was not mad. Because I was a child who didn’t even do anything that bad. But that’s RSD. It’s like niggling at a scab that you just can’t leave alone, even though you know it’s only going to hurt you. (And yes, skin-picking and hair-pulling are also symptoms of ADHD. Dermatillomania struggles are so real, lmao.)
Like friend, I get it. I get the way that you make a mistake or you get in an argument or you think someone is upset with you and it is an actual physical clenching of the chest. The spiraling. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The intrusive thoughts. The way you literally cannot fucking breathe. None of that is normal.
I didn’t know that it was weird, either, until just a few years ago. I knew I had bad ADHD that couldn’t be safely medicated (I believe my doctor’s exact words when he looked at my test results were “I can’t believe you graduated high school”) but no one told me that obsessive thoughts and RSD were symptoms of that. I knew that sometimes my ADHD felt like I was batting a thousand racquetballs around a court at the same time, but I didn’t know that sometimes my dumbass brain would direct every one of them right at me.
It’s kind of like hearing the Jaws music at all times... You don’t know what the rule is or how you broke it but you know you did and that very nebulous consequences will happen. And if you haven’t fucked up yet, you will soon! That Jaws music is warning you!
There’s a lot of overlap between ADHD and autism/OCD, and I think RSD is where you really start to see a lot of OCD-esque symptoms. The obsessing, the fixations, the compulsive physical actions and thoughts. The way you spiral over things that you know aren’t serious, that you know aren’t real, but that doesn’t ease the pressure on your chest, the buzzing in your head. You can’t logic your way out of RSD and it really fucking sucks.
I really, really recommend going to see a doctor if you can, anon. I can’t take ADHD meds (I got a shit-ass heart lmao) but I’ve heard they really help with the RSD for some people. If they don’t help you, therapy might.
In the meantime, what helps me most is breaking the spiral before I get in too deep. When I feel the panic coming on, I do something that I know will distract me. This can be something physical (like going for a walk or dancing (poorly) to some music or making food) or something that will force me to focus on another living creature (like playing with my cat or calling a friend) or, if I have to pull out the big guns, purposefully invoking a known hyperfixation so I get focused on that instead. Just something that will make you think about literally anything but the trigger and your own panic response to it. Once you’re deep in the spiral, it’s very hard to get out.
Mindfulness exercises can also be useful here. I don’t mean meditation as much; that doesn’t empty my mind enough. Grounding exercises help me more. Focusing on tastes, smells, feels, sensations. Strong smells (I keep citrus essential oils on hand), strong flavors, a texture that you find interesting or comforting. Sometimes I go outside and touch trees lmao. Just find something that works for you. Focusing on a purely physical stimulus can be helpful in breaking a mental spiral.
This is a rough, rough road that you’re walking, anon, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re on it. But millions of people walk it every day, and we muddle through. There’s definitely hope and you’re definitely not alone. 💜
#cw:#anxiety#depression#mental illness#adhd#rsd#suicide#suicidal ideation#I AM OKAY don't worry I know how to deal with my symptoms by now#but I'm still tagging so people who block those tags can easily do so#don't want to accidentally trigger anyone here#I have an absolute fucking mess of a brain#some of it genetic some of it earned#and THAT'S why I'm currently on ketamine lmao#it's... not as fun as it sounds
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Frustrated to my core.
As I mentioned my partner got a promotion. We are stoked. We feel it's finally our time to get out on our own. We were first told end of December. I have never been more excited. But "construction delays" have pushed it back and now there really hasn't been a definitive answer. He something about February or March. Alright. Fine. I can wait. Ain't have any other choice. But for the people out there. I mentioned his mom. She's been staying with us and it's been maybe a month and so far it has been ok. I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I have to watch what I say, what I do. Even feel I have to control my facial expressions around her because she has claimed that I "smirk" at her. I don't. I am constantly on edge when she is around. I plan how I am going to say hello to her or good bye. Or if I don't say those things I fret and freak out about if she's gonna get mad and blow up. If I am in the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever and she walks into our bedroom and she's still in there when I want to come back I either wait til she comes out. Or I start to walk in and she's still there. I don't know if I'm allowed to come into my own bedroom. It's 100 % anxiety inducing. It's like walking on eggshells. You never know what will make her angry. I have this pit in my gut and it feels terrible. And I want to cry. The worst thing is having to keep this all to myself. My partner has acknowledged that she has issues. Hell he has his own issues with her. But at the end of the day that's his mom. And it's hard to express my frustrations, I have before but on one hand I don't want him to feel like I don't know. Bad? Because this isnt his fault. And he is just such a good person. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. And now today my mom called me while I am at work and told me his mom got upset with her again for staring and went on for hours. Which she has the tendency to do. But she also told me that she wants to come stay with us. Which I knew was you know a possibility and before we let her back a probability. But now it just feels so frustrating because. Its not our own place then. We don't/won't have the privacy I want and need. I still will be dealing with the same issues. The same uncomfortable feeling just in a new place. I was really really hoping that you know she would just move into our old bedroom and we could truly be on our own. Everyone would be set. She would have a roof, and food, shelter. But we would be on our own. It's my dream. Finally we were getting somewhere. We made it. We were gonna be on our own. Then maybe he would quit playing and make me a wife and a mother. But it feels like we will never get there and that's devastating to me. All i want is to be married to my best friend and raise our child together. But he expressed that it wasn't gonna happen until we are out on our own and that's not gonna happen until we are 40. And by then I'll be too old to have a child and my dreams will be crushed. This is absolutely terrible. And I am on lunch at work. I have to go back in to work and pretend I'm okay. And I have to go home to my partner and pretend I'm not dying inside. Yeah yeah I know. I am being dramatic. I'm just venting. But this is our life. This is my happiness. If she comes. She ain't never leaving. We will never get married. I won't be a wife and a mother. Which I was meant for. I was born to take care of, to nurture. Have I been that bad of a person? To not get what I so desperately want? Need even? Now I'm depressed. I thought venting would make me feel better but I feel worse. Hooray.
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