#IDEKYN

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

Something impulsive | joel miller x f!reader x marcus pike, 7.1k

Summary: The distance between you and Joel grows. You decide to give Marcus a chance. A chance encounter shifts the balance between you and the two men.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, image just for aesthetic purposes, reader does not have a description, angst, slow-burn, insecurities, first date nervousness, flirting, sexual thoughts, kissing, Joel still being a prick, Joel still being an idiot (bear with him) dog piss (bear with me, too), as always let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: And here I was, thinking that this time I'll keep it short. Who am I kidding. Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all!

P.S.: Credits for the final scene go to @jessthebaker and this hilarious comment that I just had to include in the chapter:

Dividers by @cafekitsune & @thecutestgrotto

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist

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Radio silence.

That is what you would call it.

After your last encounter, you haven't seen or heard from Joel for two long weeks. No text, no phone call, nothing. Were you entering the winter phase again? Most likely.

You regretted the way you had challenged him that night. It wasn't really your style, but that's what happens when you bottle things up. Especially things like desire and longing. Eventually, they erupt like a fucking volcano after a long hibernation. Brutally. And yet you haven't got an ounce or a reaction. Something. Anything at all.

You were terrified that your friendship had been broken. You could have texted him. You should have. You felt it was all your fault anyway. You should have apologized. But you were angry. And selfish. And deep down you blamed him for your reaction, for making you feel helpless, a pawn in his hands.

But was that the case? And can you really blame anyone for your own actions? You were responsible for the way you reacted. You could have done things differently. You knew that. But you did not want to admit that to him.

Whether you were angry or not, you missed him all the same. You missed his presence, his voice, his scent. You missed the sound of his name on your tongue. The warmth of his irises and the softness in his eyes when he looked at you. And boy, did he look at you.

He may not have been a man of many words, but sometimes, just sometimes, his gaze spoke louder than any voice in the room. That's how you got into this mess in the first place.

One evening, on your day off, you hang out with Trish at your place. You needed the company, being alone with your thoughts for too long wasn't a good idea. The two of you sit on the sofa, drinking beer and eating pizza straight out of the box. You had already put your girls to bed and this was your happy hour.

"Are you dating Marcus you little weasel?"

"Where did that come from?", your eyes widen in surprise.

"Joel asked me the other day.", Trish reveals, laughing under her breath.

"WHAT?" you squeal in disbelief. Joel was not the type to ask about other people's private matters. Especially yours and especially to his cousin. "OK, please, elaborate."

"He asked me if you’re seeing him.", she continues.

"When did this happen?", you try to draw an imaginary map in your mind, gathering all the information available to you to understand what might be going through his mind.

"A few days ago, maybe?" she says nonchalantly.

"He asked that explicitly? Those were the exact words he used?", you insist like a hound dog looking for clues.

"Of course not." Trish rolls her eyes, "He danced around it for a while, but I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about -which I obviously don't- and then I made him ask directly."

"Oh god, give the poor man a break!", you exclaim, you could only imagine what a menace could she be when she wanted to.

"Well, are you?"

"No, I’m not. But if he asks again tell him I am."

"Why?", she frowns but looks amused at the same time. Oh, she's up to something.

"So he will leave me alone." Well he already kind of did, but maybe it was for the best to cut the ties once and for all.

"What do you mean? Is he bothering you?" Trish insists, curiosity sparkling in her eyes.

"No- he's- it's not- uh-" where would you even start, it's all a fucking mess, anyway. "Forget I said anything-" you try to end the conversation, but-

"I might have kind of implied that, though?" Trish wrinkles her nose, trying to minimize the damage.

"WHAT?"

"Only because he looked desperate" she rushes to explain, "and honestly you two should really fuck each other. So I thought maybe I could spice things up a bit."

A minute or two passes before you answer her. All this information bombarding your mind left a paralyzing feeling in your mouth. He looked desperate? Why the fuck? Was this the classic 'I want what I can't have'? He wasn't that type. And he could have his way with you if he wanted to. Couldn't he? Did he get the feeling that you weren't interested? What more could you have done, he was the one who went cold and hot all the time. "It's not like that." is all you say.

"The hell it isn't." Trish quips, almost offended.

"We don't want the same things Trish, and I won't make the same mistakes again." you draw the line. "What did he say?", you ask without shame, because you just have to know, even if it hurts you.

"Oh, you know, he put on his usual 'Joel grumpy face' and walked out on me. But honestly, what did you expect?" she shrugs and continues, "So, if 'it's not like that'", she air-quotes you mockingly, "why don't you give Marcus a real chance? He's a good guy and I don't often say that," Trish points her finger at you.

"I'm sure he is Trish, but I can't."

"And why is that?"

"Because it's not honest."

"To whom?"

"To him."

"And..?" she presses you.

You close your eyes, because you really don't want to say it and it feels frustrating but comforting at the same time to have a friend who knows you so well. "And to my heart.", you mumble coyly.

"Oh, baby c'mere. You really like my stupid cousin, don't you?" Trish wraps her arms around your shoulders, squeezing you into a tight hug.

"No, I do not." It's more than that. "And don't push it any further, it's not happening.", it's your turn to point the finger at her.

"Ok.", she sighs troubled. "Ok, look at me and listen carefully.", she makes a serious face, holding your hands in hers as she begins. "Joel's my cousin and he is a good man and I love him, but he has his own issues to deal with-"

"What do you mean?" You interrupt her curiously. You never thought to ask about his past before, it seemed invasive.

"It’s not my place." she cuts you off with a guarded look that seems so foreign on her face and continues, "The point is, you cannot wait for him forever."

"I'm not-" you start to deny it, but Trish grabs your face in her palms, squeezing you gently to make her point and you stop mid-sentence.

"You deserve to be happy. And you can't miss something you've never had." her eyes bore into yours, full of care and concern.

Her last words strike you like a slap on the face.

Oh, but you can. You already are.

Another two weeks have passed and you still haven't heard from Joel. He's stuck in your head like a virus, unable to think of anything else. This is the longest you've gone without talking. It's taking its toll on you, making you fidgety and jumpy, irritated by the simplest things. You've reached your breaking point and you're ready to call him, just to see if he's OK.

And, if you're honest with yourself, to give him a chance to make a move. He might think you don't want him to reach out. That thought makes you even more angry, you sound so pathetic in your head, begging for a man's attention. A man who has never made his intentions clear. You should stand up for yourself, hold your own.

You're at the office, shuffling through your bag, looking for your phone, still debating whether to call him. As you reach deep into your bag, searching through the million things you stuff in there, you feel a hard, papery thing on your fingertips. You fish it out and see that it's Marcus' card. You don't even remember putting that thing in there. But you remember him giving it to you.

He was such a gentleman and so thoughtful that night. He didn't ask for your number and he didn't press to put his on your phone. He gave you his card, clearly stating that he hoped you would get in touch with him.

"..why don't you give Marcus a real chance?.."

You take a deep breath and unlock your phone.

"..You cannot wait for him forever.."

This is it.

"..You deserve to be happy.."

You're going to call him. Right now? Yes, right now.

He picks up after the third ring.

"Agent Pike.", his voice deep and smooth, runs like honey in your ears. You remember how much you liked the sound of it.

You’re taken aback for a moment, you'd almost forgotten what he did for a living. It was strange but interesting to hear him like that, it stirred something in you. "Uh- um-" you lose your train of thought for a second, "hi- I don't know if you rememb-"

Marcus says your name instantly, the surprise evident in his tone. "I was beginning to think you'd either lost my card or I'd made a terrible, terrible first impression on you," he says with a soft laugh, vulnerability coloring his voice.

"No, no, god- no, nothing like that.. It was really nice to meet you!" you reassure him, because it really was.

"Yeah, you too.." Marcus replies and you can hear the smile in his voice. He doesn't say anything else, giving you time to collect yourself.

"I just-" you squeeze your eyes shut, trying not to freak out, pinching the bridge of your nose with your fingers, you hadn't planned this, "I've been really busy, with work and the kids, I haven't had a chance to..." the words catch in your throat as you think of the real reason you've been busy.

Obsessing over unavailable men.

But you don't want to lie to Marcus, he's been so kind and open, so you pause, looking for a way out of the hole you've dug yourself into.

"Hey, it's OK," Marcus takes the lead, sensing your discomfort, "you didn't have to call, but I'm really glad you did. I thought about getting your details from Trish in case you lost my number, but then I didn't want to force you into anything in case you didn't lose my number, you know?" he laughs timidly.

"Yeah, I know; that is so thoughtful of you. I'm- I'm glad I called." It feels strange to admit something like that, something so small, to be honest, to be so open and talk about positive things, to make someone feel good with your words on a personal level. You've spent the last few years just doing it for your daughters, loving them, hyping them up, rooting for them, but it's a change that you welcome and you discover that you really, really missed it.

There's a short silence on the other end, which makes you feel anxious, so you decide not to bother him any more. "I'm sorry I called during office hours, I-"

"No, no, no, don't even think about it, there are no office hours at my line of work anyway, so.." Marcus rushes to put you at ease. "I was just wondering if I should ask you out or if I'm jumping the gun," he blurts out and you can feel his hesitation through the phone.

"Well," you try to lighten the mood, "you're the one asking questions for a living, so why don't you earn your keep?" you bite your lower lip in anticipation and then snicker to yourself. You hear Marcus laughing, amused and impressed by your little stunt, and you have a deep desire to hear it again, knowing that it's your doing.

Marcus is not one to shy away from a challenge, so he delivers quite brilliantly. "It would give me great pleasure if you would go out with me," he says your name softly at the end, "I know it can be tricky with the girls and work and all that, but I'm sure we could work something out; my office hours are very flexible," he informs you, cleverly covering all your possible obstacles.

"I thought you didn't have office hours..." you return playfully, feeling lighter already, the thought of Joel still lingering, but the pain of it fading in your heart.

"For you I do." Marcus deadpans with an amazing ability to not make it sound cheesy. And you know exactly what kind of ability it is.

The one of honesty.

Your heart is in your mouth. You're sure of it. You can taste your heartbeat on the tip of your tongue. As much as you've tried to play it down, you're nervous, your stomach is in knots. You spend most of the evening whining to Trish on the phone, freaking out about what to wear and ending up with a "What does it matter anyway? It's one date and that's it, he's not sticking around. Yeah, he's not. I'm good, I'm fine, this is fine." you shrug as you look at yourself in your bedroom mirror.

Trish's voice brings you back to reality, "None of that, everything's going to be fine, you're going to have a good time and you're going to keep having a good time." You looked sideways at the phone as if Trish could see you through it, glancing at the time. "Ok Trish, thanks for the pep talk, but I have to go or I'll be late."

"Sure thing babe, have a great night-"

"Thanks Trish-" you speak over her voice sure she's done with the pleasantries, but-

"-and don't forget to fuck 'im."

The line goes dead before you can reply.

Jesus Christ.

"You got this. You got this. You got this," you chant to yourself, pacing the living room, checking the time on your phone every thirty seconds. "Yeah," you exhale with nervous conviction, "you got this." The doorbell rings and your stomach clenches. Conviction my ass, "No, you don't." you mutter before rushing to answer the door.

Your heels click on the wooden floor and you pin the hem of your dress down once more, just to be sure. It wasn't terribly short, but still, you haven't dressed for a date in God knows how long.

You open the door and your breath catches in your throat. But you could say the same about Marcus. You look at one another for a moment, both admiring each other. He looks sharp, clean-shaven, with a prominent jawline that makes you want to suck on it from side to side.

His hair is combed back and slightly to the side. He looks so handsome and then he smiles at you. A real smile, big and toothy and bright and beautiful. His eyes crinkle and his plush lips stretch with the force of it. His suit is elegant and clean, neatly pressed, and the two top buttons of his shirt are undone, showing a hint of his tanned chest, making it more casual.

"Hey.." Marcus speaks first, pulling himself out of his haze. His eyes drink you in, unable to land on one spot, admiring your simple but elegant black dress that stops mid-thigh, the softness of your exposed skin, the curves of your body and the features of your face.

"Hi..." you say back shyly, noticing his admiration.

"I- Christ-", he stutters almost confused.

"What's wrong?" you fidget with the fabric of your dress, your nerves getting the better of you once again.

"I almost forgot how beautiful you are-" Marcus admits, his eyebrows raised, a hint of pink spreading across his cheeks. "-you look amazing," he compliments, raising his arm and pointing his open palm in your direction.

You pray that you can fast-forward to the actual date and stay right here on the threshold of your house at the same time. "Oh, thank you -" you reply quietly, with a shy smile on your lips.

"These-" Marcus raises his other hand, suddenly remembering what he's holding, "these are for you," he hands you a beautiful bunch of flowers, obviously made specifically for you by a florist, wrapped in a beautiful ribbon. What is it about this man that turns the most clichéd things into thoughtful actions?

"These are so beautiful, thank you, let me-" you point towards the house so you can put them in a vase, signaling him to come in with your head.

"Hope it's not too much..", Marcus wonders as he enters the hall of the house.

"It's perfect," you smile warmly as you return from the kitchen with the filled vase and place it on the entryway furniture, admiring the arrangement. You place the palm of your hand on his bicep, reassuring him as you turn to leave.

His eyes shine with appreciation as he takes your palm in his warm hand, planting a soft kiss on the pulse point of your wrist. His scent fills your nostrils, sweet and masculine, and you can almost smell his shampoo as he leans forward. Your lips part and your eyes widen at the intimate contact, but instead of feeling pressured, all you want is for him to do it again on any part of your skin he likes. His plush lips are warm and soft, leaving the slightest trace of moisture as they part your skin, sending a wave of shivers through your body.

You stifle a gasp but you can't hide the dilation of your irises and he can't hide the hunger behind his. He cups your cheek in his hand, stroking your cheekbone with his thumb. "Ready?" he asks in a hushed tone.

"As I'll ever be."

The drive is bathed in bits of small talk and comfortable silence, appreciating each other's presence without having to fill the quiet of the cabin every second. Marcus' gaze is split between the road ahead and you at his side. He drives with one hand, his right resting comfortably on the gearbox.

God, you're such a cliché, noticing the way his broad palm rests there, the veins bulging between his fingers and on his hand and it makes you squirm in your seat. Your date hasn't even started yet and you're already feeling uncomfortable in your underwear. Are you that needy? Or is it him? Is he doing this to you?

Joel.

No, stop. Don’t think about him. Not right now. Stop.

Joel.

No.

Joel.

NO.

You don't realize you're holding your breath until Marcus is asking if you're all right.

"What?" you snap out of your haze, jerking your head to look at him. He looks worried, his forehead forming a deep crease between his eyebrows. "I lost you there for a minute, what happened?"

"Nothing, nothing, I'm fine."

"You don't gotta do that, you know."

"Do what?"

"Say you're fine. You're allowed not to be."

You start to contradict him, but then you realize he's right.

"You're right," you admit, looking at him sheepishly. "I'm just nervous- and it's not your fault-" you hasten to explain, "I just haven't done this in so long that it feels like it's happening to someone else, like I'm watching myself from a distance."

He smiles at you knowingly and you add frustratedly, "That's so uncool, I'm sorry, I should be-"

"Moment of truth?" Marcus cuts you off before you can finish your thought.

"Um- OK?"

"I'm already hooked." he bites his lip, stealing a glance in your direction, his shoulders shrugging as if he had just told you the most natural thing in the world.

"Excuse m-" you look at him in bewilderment.

"I know I should play hard to get and do all the stuff everyone does on a first date, act cool and whatnot," he gestures in the air with his free hand, "but really? I'm hooked. Captivated. So-" he takes a deep breath, exhaling forcefully, "if anyone should be anything, it's me, scared that I'm going to screw this up, somehow. But you know what?" he looks at you expectantly, waiting for a response.

"What?" you manage to croak, your whole body buzzing with anticipation.

"I'm going to choose to enjoy this night by being myself-" he stops and scrunches his eyes in thought, "-well, ok, I'm going to hold back a bit," he jokes playfully, making you both laugh at that, relieving some of the tension and he takes your hand in his, squeezing it gently, "because I don't know if I'll get another chance. I can only hope that at the end of the night you'll choose to see me again."

He brings your intertwined hands to his lips and kisses your knuckles tenderly. He's said all the right things, everything you want to hear and dear God, he makes you want to climb him like a tree. You bite your lower lip so hard you're afraid you'll draw blood.

He studies your face and your fluttered expression for a moment, a smile of accomplishment painted on his perfect mouth, before he adds, "And you shouldn't be anything other than what you want to be. Neither of us should."

The date was not what you expected, because it was actually a success. Zero awkwardness, lots to talk about, mutual humor and gentle glances. You started with dinner in a not-too-casual-not-too-formal restaurant and ended up in a great bar, lively but not too loud, where you had delicious cocktails over and over again. Not Marcus though, because he was driving. So responsible, you wanted to sink your teeth into his neck.

Marcus was truly interested in you. He asked you about everything, he really wanted to know about your life. You didn't delve much into the divorce and he didn't push it. But you told him more about your background, your work, your daughters, the challenges of being a single mother and to your surprise, he listened. Actively. When you told him it was his turn to spill the beans, he told you about his job and his specialty; his move to Texas for a fresh start and when you asked him why he felt he needed one, he reluctantly told you about proposing to his girlfriend of two months.

"I know, I know-" he raises his hand in defence as he shakes his head in disbelief, "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I guess-" he looks down at his empty glass as if searching for answers, "sometimes I have a hard time letting things go."

He dares to meet your eyes through his lashes, to study your reaction. But your expression is neutral, no judgment on your part. "But I'm working on it, letting things happen naturally, you know? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be." he shrugs casually.

"That must be hard for you to deal with." you observe.

"Why would you think that?" he seems curious to know what you think of him, smiling crookedly.

"You strike me as someone who really tries to work things out, to fix what's broken. You don't give up easily, do you?"

His eyes bore into yours as he confirms, "No, I don't," smirking at you. You break eye contact and look down at your lap, biting back a smile of your own.

Suddenly you hear your name being called and you scan the room to find the source. You see Tommy just a few meters away, coming towards you to say hello. Marcus looks between the two of you, his eyes finally landing on yours, catching your faltering smile. "Hey, Tommy, how are you?" you hug him gently and then introduce the two men.

"Hi, nice to meet you." Tommy holds out his hand as Marcus extends his own, "You too."

"Who's the lucky girl this time, Tommy?" you tease with a devilish grin as you wink at him.

"The lucky girl is actually my brother." Tommy laughs breathlessly and your face immediately falls as he points his thumb behind him.

Joel is there at the other end of the bar, sitting on a table, his gaze fixed on you, his whole posture stiff, his jaw clenched and his eyes hard on you. You raise your arm weakly and wave at him, and he nods back sternly.

Marcus misses absolutely none of this.

How long had they been there? How much did he see? Did you do anything inappropriate? you keep checking yourself for any flawed behavior. But then you realize that you don't have to answer to him or anyone else. You can do as you please. So why do you keep hoping you haven't let him down?

"You wanna join us? There's plenty of room, come on.", Tommy invites you to their table.

You feel your legs give out just at the thought of this gathering and you try to decline politely, "We wouldn't want to impose, it's OK-"

Tommy gives you a confused look, as if you haven't spent the best part of the last two years hanging out together. "What the hell are you talking about, love? Come on, move that ass of yours." he waves his head in their direction. You glance swiftly from Tommy to Marcus and then back to Tommy, hoping he'll get the message, but he doesn't. Damn it, Tommy.

Marcus notices your apprehension and puts the palm of his hand on your forearm, caressing your skin with his thumb.

"Are you OK? Do you want to go instead?" he says in a quiet voice, just for you to hear.

You almost jump at his suggestion, "No, no, I just don't want you to think I'm not having a good time with you…" you lower your eyes, feeling vulnerable.

"Hey, hey, look at me." Marcus lowers his head to meet your gaze, "I think I'd know if this date was going south. But if for some reason it is and I'm too smitten to see it, I'm all ears." Marcus searches your eyes and you shake your head with conviction.

"It's not," is all you say, and you lean forward to place a kiss on his cheek, on the side of his face that is hidden from Joel's inspection. As if that would make what you just did any less obvious. Marcus' lips part, and he turns his head sideways to look at your profile, almost brushing it with his own.

His eyes linger on your mouth as you lean back to your seat, and then he licks his lower lip like a starving man preparing for his favorite meal. "Let's go meet your friends before I do something impulsive," he whispers in your ear, his grip on your arm tightening, his nose pressing against your temple and his lips brushing your earlobe.

Goosebumps spread across your skin and you have half a mind to get the fuck out of here and drag him back to your house. But instead you giggle like a schoolgirl and lead the way to hell, feeling the warmth of his hand on your lower back and the moisture of your pussy running down your thigh.

If a person could combust out of stillness, it would be Joel. You're not even sure he's breathing at this point. You train your eyes on his chest, trying to follow the rise and fall of his rib-cage, just to make sure he doesn't faint.

He's sitting directly opposite you, next to his brother, who's sitting opposite Marcus. He's nursing a beer with one hand, the other behind Tommy's seat. He barely speaks to you, he avoids looking at you and that makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong and he's giving you the cold shoulder. It takes everything you've got to swallow the lump in your throat and the tears behind your eyes, but you do it.

The same waitress who took your previous orders comes back and asks what you and Marcus are having. You order a beer, and before Marcus can place his own, Joel spits, "If you're driving her back, you shouldn't be drinking," giving him a disapproving look.

Your cheeks flush with embarrassment, your eyes dart from the waitress to Joel and then to Marcus, ready to apologize on his behalf. You knew Joel could be abrasive, but never so blatantly rude. Those were the first words he said to him.

Jesus, what is his problem?

Marcus seems to be able to handle his own, answering to you instead of Joel without missing a beat. "Good to know you have such protective friends," he says with a twinkle in his eye and then he orders, "I'll have the same as before, thank you.", shifting his gaze to the waitress. "One soda with a slice of orange coming up," she says politely and leaves to get your drinks.

You glare at Joel, but he doesn't seem to be paying attention, although he flinched almost imperceptibly when he heard Marcus' choice of drink. Marcus gives you a gentle kiss on the temple and you begin to suspect that he knows exactly what's going on between you and Joel, whose jaw is twitching at the sight of Marcus' public display of affection towards you.

You envy Tommy at the moment because he seems blissfully unaware, so you turn the conversation to him. Or at least you try, because as soon as you open your mouth to speak, Joel cuts you off and asks Marcus what he does for a living.

You can't help but think that after your first meeting in that god’s forsaken bar, it took him months to strike up a conversation with you, but tonight, for some reason, he just can't seem to shut up.

Marcus, being as polite as ever, gives him the general answer that he works for the government.

"Ah, a white collar," Joel replies condescendingly and your eyes bulge out of their sockets, "must be nice, relaxed." still not looking at you and God does he tick you off. Tommy shifts uncomfortably in his seat, stealing glances at you, not sure what's going on. In any other case you would have found it endearing. Not so much now.

You too are squirming in your seat, trying to think of a way out of this awkward situation. This is not how you imagined your first date would end. And it's certainly not how you expected to meet Joel after all these weeks.

Marcus seems unfazed by the veiled hostility coming his way, smiling back at Joel, almost enjoying the antagonism. "Not necessarily, but I can't talk about it either." This catches Joel's attention and he looks at you questioningly for the first time. You tilt your head slightly to the side, signaling what are you doing? but Joel takes his eyes off you, sipping his beer nonchalantly.

"What about you? What do you do for a living?" Marcus returns the question.

"We're contractors, me and Joel; we're brothers," he gestures between himself and Joel, "and we work together." Tommy chimes in quickly, having reached his limit of awkwardness at the table. You breathe a sigh of relief, but it's not long lived.

"And how do you all know each other?" is the next natural question to come out of Marcus' mouth.

Joel's eyes land on you briefly, something flashes past them and before you can stop him-

"She and I actually met in a bar..." Joel smirks at Marcus, but you speak at the same time-

"Joel-" Your voice is firm as a warning, fully accepting that your tone might be alarming to your unsuspecting company.

"What?" Tommy's voice falters, laughing uncomfortably, completely at a loss. Marcus reads the table, his eyes darting between the three of you, at the same time placing a protective hand over your shoulder, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.

"What?" Joel repeats in a different tenor to his brother and he shrugs, smiling, "It's no big deal, tell them," he has the audacity to put you on the spot, nodding his chin at you.

You feel the contents of your stomach move up your esophagus, cold sweat coats your skin in a thin layer. Betrayal. That's all you can think of. "Uh-", you try to find the words, but nothing comes out, betrayal, you're not good at it, lying doesn't come easy to you, betrayal, especially with three sets of eyes on you. Joel just sits there with a smug look on his face and you wish you had the guts to slap it out of him.

Betrayal.

Marcus' voice brings you back to the present, are you all right?, a soft whisper caresses your ear and soothes your insides. The bile in your throat begins to return to its rightful place, but your eyes are already moist, your waterline glassy, a look of defeat and disappointment painted on your soft face. Joel sees it all written on those contours of yours that he has come to know and marvel at from afar, and it is as if a sudden realization hits him, snapping him out of his asshole behavior. He is cruel to you.

"All right, all right," he rolls his eyes and continues with a sigh, and Tommy's eyes return to his brother, but Marcus' remains fixed on you. "We met in a bar and we had a heated..." he stops abruptly and your face takes on a look of horror as he searches for the right word. "...argument." Joel finally adds. "We exchanged a few words, but then we ran into each other at my cousin's house and the rest is history." he laughs as he waves his hand in the air and winks at you.

You bite your lower lip as hard as you can to keep your chin from trembling, but a single tear of relief or suppressed anger, you're not sure anymore, escapes from the side of your face that only Joel can see, as you give him a forced, watery smile.

Luckily the bar is dimly lit, otherwise they would all be able to see the redness spreading across your chest, the rage manifesting itself on your body. Used and played is how you feel, and Joel is the last person you would have thought would put you in this position. You'd bet all your money on it.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Tommy wonders aloud, looking between you and Joel. You clear your throat and have no choice but to confirm Joel's lie. "It felt awkward at the time, so we pretended we didn't know each other. It was an unfortunate moment, one I deeply regret," you lock eyes with Joel and see his facade almost crumbling, "that will never recur, ever again." you continue to stare at him as you speak the last words with concealed bitterness. For the first time that night, he looked down at his lap in shame and regret, pretending to peel the label off his bottle with his thumb.

The ride home was silent, you were emotionally drained, something Marcus picked up on easily, so he simply offered his open palm, which you gladly accepted, tucking your fingers between his own. He continued to caress your skin, back and forth, and it was all you needed to calm your nerves.

As he walked you to the front door of your house, you felt compelled to apologize to him in a profound way. "I'm so sorry about Joel," you shake your head, looking down at your feet, your fingers scratching your forehead, a worried look on your face, "he can be intense sometimes -" why are you defending him?

Marcus lifts your chin with a gentle finger under it, his thumb caressing your jawline. "I don't care about Joel." With one simple sentence, he has erased him from your conversation. No more room for him to steal any longer of your night with Marcus.

“But-”

“I'm the one standing on your porch right now am I not?”, the implication clear in his voice and words.

“I'm not sure what-” you try to avoid confirming or denying his assumptions.

"Mhm," he smiles knowingly, his eyes fixed on yours, searching for something. You feel safe with him, but you can't shake the feeling that you've ruined everything. Marcus' eyes drop to your lips and he slowly leans forward, stopping just inches from you, waiting for you to initiate. You can feel yourself unable to relax, your body stiff, frozen. But you want to, you really do, so you ask instead, "Are you going to do something impulsive now?"

He smiles and leans even closer to your lips, his breath gently fanning across your plump skin. His nose gently nudges yours, "Yes, I think I might."

Your lips almost touch when a muffled voice followed by loud barks startles you both, causing you to pull away and look around for the source of the disruption. After a few seconds, you both see a medium-sized dog running down the street. You wait to see if its owner follows, but no one appears. You turn to look at each other, giggling at the strange interruption.

Marcus caresses your cheek with the back of his knuckles and you lean into his touch, the moment gone and lost. "I hope you had a decent time because I know I had a great one and I really hope I get to see you again."

"Marcus," you scowl at him, "are you fishing for compliments?" you chastise him teasingly.

"Well, a man can dream," he smirks playfully as he tries to get some distance between you in case he comes on too strong.

"You don't have to," you coo, grabbing his collar to crush your lips against his.

After the initial shock, Marcus holds your head in his hands, tilting it to return the kiss and deepen it. His soft lips massage yours, sucking and nibbling at your lower lip. His upper lip and tongue capture yours, tugging gently, sending waves of pleasure through your body. He licks into your mouth, exploring every soft cavity, and you suck on his tongue in return.

He grunts into your welcoming cavern and you fist the fabric of his shirt that adorns his chest tighter. He presses his body into yours, trying to keep his pelvic area from pressing into your lower abdomen, but you can feel his growing erection inescapably.

You come up for air and murmur into his mouth, "I had a great time and I'd like to do it again".

This time it is he who presses his mouth to yours, kissing you fervently, sucking all the air out of your lungs. Your body is on fire, your abdomen tingling with desire.

You whimper against his lips as you reach for the short curls at the back of his neck, tugging them gently between your fingers, causing him to growl against your wet flesh, and he can feel your nipples poking at his chest through the thin material of your dress as you press your torso against his in sheer determination.

He's sure he's going to lose it and fuck you in front of your house for all your neighbors to see if he doesn't stop now. He breaks the kiss, panting, his eyes boring into yours, your foreheads touching. "Christ, woman," he closes his eyes and laughs to himself, "you're going to give me a heart attack."

"Better me than old age, right?" you try to hide your teasing smile behind your tightly pressed lips.

"Hey, I'm about to arrest you for threatening a government official," he warns without any conviction or authority.

"Are you going to handcuff me, Agent?" you ask, looking at him through your lashes and it comes out more breathless than it should.

"Jesus." Marcus mutters through his teeth, his resolve hanging by a thread. "OK." he gives you a sharp look, "I'm going to leave for the sake of both of us," he says, but his grip on your hip tightens, as if he's afraid you'll disappear.

"You could come in, you know," you offer, looking at him sheepishly.

His expression is pained when he has to turn you down. "And I'd like nothing more, but I want to do this right. Please, let me do this right." Marcus pleads softly, rolling his forehead over yours in desperation.

"What does that even mean?" you ask, a bit embarrassed by his rejection.

"Means I want to wine and dine you, spoil you, give you the perfect date," he coos into the soft skin beneath your ear, making you shudder at his soft promise. "And when you think you can't go another second without my touch, then I'll come in and spoil you some more," he continues, brushing his moist lips along the pillar of your neck. "I will spoil you in all the ways you deserve." he finishes, planting an open-mouthed kiss on your pulse point under your jaw. Your knees buck and your pussy contracts, squeezing out your sweetness at the feel of his warm and wet tongue.

"OK," you breathe out in a shaky voice, nodding dumbly, cupping his face in your hands and planting a small kiss on the tip of his nose.

He smiles and presses his lips to your forehead murmuring "God, you're something," and his heart swells at your tender gesture.

Marcus takes a deep breath, pauses and seems hesitant, but speaks his mind anyway. "OK, I'm going to skip the whole 'three day rule' and call you tomorrow. Is that OK?" he looks anxiously into your eyes, "Am I rushing you?"

A spontaneous laugh escapes your lips at the sound of that. "I just invited you into my house, you think a phone call is going to rush me?" you frown, "You can call me whenever you want.", you say matter of factly. You turn to leave, but change your mind and face him again. "Actually," you bite your lip mischievously, "I need to make sure I can rely on the American authorities, so I'm counting on your word. I'll be expecting a call by tomorrow," you stifle a grin by pressing your lips together.

"Yes, ma'am." Marcus nods in amusement and gives you one last kiss, pressing his lips to yours for as long as he can before ushering you into the house. "Good night," he breathes against your lips.

"Good night," you whisper back with a shy smile and close the door behind you. Marcus walks to his car with a stupid grin plastered on his face, gets in and drives away, but not before making sure you have closed and locked your front door.

In the stillness of the night, Joel takes a moment to assess the situation and satisfied that the coast is clear, he carefully emerges from the large bush he was hiding behind.

He glances down at his dog pissed shoe and mutters to himself,

"Fuck."

previous |

[kkruml]

I don’t even know your name Chapter 20

As promised, a super something special from @smoakingwaffles! As always, this fic would not exist without you.

@missclairebelle you are the loveliest of the lovelies.

Thank you both for all your support with this, and just everything.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 2.5 | Chapter  3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11| Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19

AO3

Previously

“What does ‘mo nighean donn’ mean?” Her voice was soft but he caught the distinct Scottish lilt she always tried for and a giggle settled deep in her chest.

His eyes opened slowly, meeting hers. His voice was warm and calm, “My brown haired lass.”

Her head tilted slightly, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth as she sighed. “Yes. I am.”

She was. And she always would be.

Moments in time not yet lived flashed before his eyes, and he rested his cheek against her curls. All these months away from her- late nights, weeks in Glasgow and London, secrets, and half-truths. He was ready.

It was time to tell her the truth.

Claire

Relief.

He was mine, I was his. Nothing would change that.

Jamie

Almost finished.

He checked his phone for the time and exhaled loudly.

“Easy lad, dinna think she’d take kindly to ye up and dyin’ on her.” He tried to hide his humor but caught Jamie’s eye as he winked.

“Murtagh…” His brows were creased and his voice was strained. “What if I canna do it?”

“A little late for that now, mmph?” He gave Jamie a nudge with his elbow and he turned back to his work.

“Aye, I suppose it is,” was all Jamie said as he pulled out his phone, his thumbs padded quickly as he searched his contacts.

On my way. Thanks Joe.

Claire

Jamie was running late. I rearranged my coat that held his seat at the bar as Joe and Gail ordered another round.

“He said he was tied up with something- Murtagh needed his help,” I offered, trying to fill the empty space next to me as I glanced down at my screen, checking the time.

“I’m sure he’ll be along soon,” Gail patted my arm and smiled.

Joe’s phone buzzed and he grabbed it- a surgeon’s instinct to rise up and meet an emergency. I caught a hint of a smile as he typed a response before locking the screen, placing it face down on the bar top.

“Everything ok, Joe?” I raised one eyebrow as I glanced down at his phone.

“Right as rain, Lady Jane.” He smiled and raised his pint to me, clinking it with Gail’s.

I nodded and reached for the newly filled glass of whisky and took a generous sip. The familiar tingle hit my tongue and I soaked in the flavor of jasmine and honey, with the hint of toasted caramel as it lingered.

We settled into an easy conversation as Gail and Joe discussed their summer plans. My ear caught the sound of the door as a rush of cold air hit my skin, forming gooseflesh. I felt a pulsing heat from behind me, coupled with the familiar aroma of smoked woodchips and almonds. My eyes closed as I took in his scent, feeling a calm wash over me.

“Is this seat taken?” his voice was low in my ear, his nose nestling into my hair as he placed a kiss on my neck.

“Just saving it for a dashing highlander,” I smiled as I pulled my coat from the chair, anxious to feel his heat encompass me. He shifted onto the bar stool, one hand rested low on the small of my back as he leaned into me, placing a light kiss on my lips. Our eyes locked and I exhaled, the stress of the day falling away as the rhythm of our breathing matched.

“Well we had better get going, have a good night you two.” I turned towards Joe and caught a quick wink, but it was not intended for me, but rather for the curly mop of red hair settled next to me. My brows creased as I tried to read its meaning but Joe pulled Gail’s stool out and they were headed towards the exit without another word.

My eyes were still on the door as I felt the movement of my glass in my hand. I turned to see Jamie draining the last of the liquid before setting it back down on the bar top, his tongue catching the remnants that glistened on his lower lip as his eyes found mine.

“So, Sassenach,” Jamie’s hand shifted to my hip, his fingers slowly peaking under my blouse, leaving a trail of heat in their wake. I felt a small pull start deep within my pelvis as he continued, “Do ye ken what today is?”

My head cocked as I tried to focus, feeling small swirls against my skin, “Erm… Saturday?”

He leaned in closer as his lips brushed my forehead. “Aye. It’s also our anniversary.”

“It is?” My brain counted the months as a small smile formed on his lips. “But that can’t be right-”

“Aye, it is,” his other hand found mine and our fingers laced together softly. “One year ago today we met- right here in this spot.”

I blinked hard and remembered that moment- we had been suspended in time. The pulse between us ignited something inside me I had never felt. Those deep blue eyes had pierced through me and that instant between two strangers had felt more intimate than any moment of my relationship with Frank- with anyone.

“You’ve kept track?”

“Oh, aye,” the smile spread across his face and he leaned closer, “It isna every day a wee Sassenach lassie stumbles head first into yer life… and chest.”

His hand traveled the length of my back as his eyes watched my face as I took in each sensation. His fingers searched for mine and laced between them, holding me in place.

His teeth grazed my earlobe and my breath caught. I tried to clear my throat but felt the heat as it spread to every limb.

“I could listen to your squeaky noises every day, Sassenach.”

“I do not make squeaky no-” my word was cut short as I felt the mix of his tongue and warm breath dance across my skin.

I felt the rumble of his laugh in his chest as he continued his assault, his face hidden in the expanse of my curls.

“Jamie-” my eyes fought to stay open as the waves of sensation pulsed through my veins, my words scattering as my hand tightened around his.

Don’t stop.

I could feel his smile against my skin as he sighed, his breath warm against my neck. “Aye, come on Sassenach, let’s get out of here.”

I smiled and nodded, taking a moment to clear my head before I reached for my coat and scarf, steadying myself. “Where to?”

Our hands were linked and my free hand clutched his bicep as I searched for his warmth. The wind around us sent a chill down my spine as I pulled myself closer to him, our steps in sync as we walked the pavement leaving Broch Mordha behind us.

“Ye cold, Sassenach?” He smiled and his accent was thick as he squeezed my hand. His hand reached into his  jacket and pulled out his flask. Handing it to me, he tried for a wink. “Just a wee nip, aye?”

“More of your private stock, I see,” I smiled as my lips met the cold metal. His eyes studied my face as I took in the flavor. It had the familiar notes of the Lallybroch vintage I had committed to memory, but it was subtly different with an undercurrent of something I couldn’t quite identify. “This is different.”

“Aye, it’s a new distillery.”

I felt the rosy haze creep up my cheeks, and I smiled as I simmered in the sensation. “Mmm. I really like it.”

A ghost of a smile crossed his face before it vanished.

“Sassenach,” he stopped and stared at me, his eyes a dark and stormy blue. “Claire.”

My stomach flipped. He only called me by my name when it was important.

“There’s something I must tell ye.”

My eyes caught the twitch of his fingers against his thigh, and I knew it was something serious. Every muscle in my body tensed. I stared at him, not risking a blink as I heard my own breath, shallow and erratic.

“All these months, I havena been in Glasgow and London,” his words came a bit quicker, “There were times aye that I was, but many days, I was here.”

“What?” My voice was small, barely making it past my lips. “What do you mean, here? In Edinburgh?”

“I dinna want to keep secrets from ye, but for this- I had to.”

Jamie.” My heart was pounding in my ears as my vision blurred slightly. “What are you saying? Have you been…lying to me?”

“Christ- No. I mean- Yes… but no.” He shook his head.  “This has taken me from ye all these past months- late nights here and in Glasgow, trips to London. But the moment I laid eyes on ye, I knew I needed to.”

“Needed to what?” My head was swirling; his voice sounded foreign to my ears, his words blurring as I tried to focus.

“This.” His eyes traveled to the building in front of us.

My eyes looked at the solid oak door and ornate iron door handle. “Jamie, I don’t understand. What is this place? And what are you talking about?”

He released my hand to reach for a set of keys, unlocking the bolt with a swift motion before turning to face me with a hand outreached, “Come inside, and I’ll explain it all to ye. Please, Claire?”

His eyes followed my gaze, I could feel the pulse between us quickening as I took in the space.

The building looked like a renovated warehouse, an exposed venting system contrasted with old wooden beams that crossed the ceiling, nicked and marked by hands that were two hundred years old. Exposed brick lined the wall behind a thick wooden slab, a cut of an old tree with bark still evident but polished over, with bar stools lined up neatly in a row. Old and new mixed perfectly in this space. My eyes settled on the line of whisky bottles, strewn with small blue and white vases dotted with bundles of thistle and heather.

I turned my head to see his face- silver moonlight highlighted his cheekbones and contrasted against the deep blue of his eyes.

“I needed to make a whisky that matched the color of your eyes – that when I opened a bottle, I get traces of the remnants of whisky on your tongue – oak and hints of honey, the mix of our skin, together… the scents that lingers on ye long after I take ye.”

My eyes shifted back to the bar as I took a step closer to the bar and my eyes focused on the bottles. The label had the familiar faded blue Scottish flag in the background, just like his family’s label, but this one had a different name, written in a rusty auburn hue- Fraser’s Ridge. A silhouette set just to the left, and I squinted as I took in the line of the cheek- I would know that chin anywhere.

“It’s your whisky, Claire.” His eyes were soft and filled with emotion, “I made it for you.”

“Me?” My eyes caught the letters printed in the corner-a stitch pattern I had memorized- a surgeon’s precision.

CEB.

The script matched my scarf.

My eyes refocused as I took in the full script.

CEBF.

“… for us.”

C.E.B.F.

Claire. Elizabeth. Beauchamp.

My chest contracted as I stared at the last letter. F.

Fraser.

I turned towards Jamie, my eyes shifting down to see auburn curls atop imposing shoulders, lowered to the ground- on one knee in front of me. My breath hitched as I took in his eyes, a dark, deep blue- vulnerable and tender.  

“Claire,” his voice was steady, clear, and strong. “There’s a lot in this life that I dinna ken. But I have no doubts about you, about us. I want to wake up to yer curls splashed round yer face, and fall asleep hearing yer breath as it slows.”

Tears blurred my vision as I felt a swell in my chest. One hand rose to my mouth, a poor attempt to steady my breath as I took in his words.

He paused, just looking at me expectantly, and reached into the pocket of his jacket. When he removed his hand, a band of silver engraved with a bloom of thistle was nestled between his fingers. Time seemed to stand still as I took in his smile; his eyes alight with wonder as he looked at me. I blinked hard; my heartbeat pulsed through my body as I tried for a deep breath.

“I want my arms around ye to comfort ye, and Christ, I want to revel in yer brilliance as ye heal. I lay myself at yer feet, praying ye’ll give me a lifetime to prove myself worthy of ye.”  

He rose slowly, his gaze not leaving mine, as he slipped the ring onto my left ring finger. His hand slowly reached for my cheek, fingers wrapped themselves in my curls as his hand cupped my face.  “Will you have me?”

I pressed my forehead into his; taking two deep breaths before tilting my face back towards his. “Yes. Yes, I’ll have you.”

I felt his smile as his mouth met mine, his lips warm and soft. Home.

Every ounce of credit (see what I did there?) deservedly goes to @smoakingwaffles for this incredible realization of the label for Fraser’s Ridge. I am just speechless.

[cynicallystiles]

Beach Sunrises: I Don’t Even Know Your Name

Author: @cynicallystiles

Warning: Homophobia, slight gay-bashing, use of the words f*g & fairy, slight sexual harassment and physical harassment, and lots of LEGAL drinking. (Always have a DD)

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x Reader

Abbreviations: DD = Designated Driver

Summary: While on tour one day, Shawn sees a woman watching the sunrise by herself. Thinking that he’ll never see her again, he tries to forget as he goes on with the rest of his day. But, serendipity seems to have other ideas…

Notes: Things are finally starting to happen!! PLEASE REBLOG OR COMMENT if you like it! I always welcome messages and asks about my work! Enjoy!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

Words: 5,374

First P.O.V.

As the wonderfully emotional and vulnerable song comes to an end, I lower my arms and look around at my friends. Xander didn't seem to notice my moment as he and everyone else is still engrossed in watching Shawn perform. I realize that the venue has gone rather quiet for a place packed with hundreds, no thousands, of people. So, I follow their lead and look back up at him on stage.

Weirdly, he seems focused on something in the crowd. Something in the direction of my friends and I. I tap Xander on the shoulder as several people are still chattering excitedly, waiting for him to close the show. "What is he doing? What's he looking at?" I ask curiously as I swivel my head trying to find what he could have noticed. Xander does the same.

"Y/n, I think he's looking at us..." He whispers to me in a concerned tone.

I break out into an amused smile. "Yeah, right. He's probably just spaced out while he catches his breath," I logically surmise. I look back up at him on stage. Actually, Xander has a point. He is looking in this direction, but there's no way to tell at who.

After clearing my throat briefly, I circle my mouth with my hands to let out a very loud "Woo!", and begin clapping. This causes everyone to join in an uproar again. Shawn smiles bashfully at this second wave of cheers. He seems to have come out of his daze as he clears his throat and finally speaks into the mic.

"Oh...wow. Thank you guys so much for all the love," he says as he puts fingers from both hands to his lips and blows a kiss out to everyone. Everyone cheers raucously. Xander and I roll our eyes at how he milks the crowd, but we cheer nonetheless. "This has been a blast, you guys! And as you know, I'll be doing one more show in town in a few days before moving on with the rest of my tour..."

He pauses as he lets the cheers take over the airwaves and he laughs. Once it's gotten relatively quiet, he interjects again. "So, I hope to see you all there! There's a meet and greet the day before, and I'll be signing autographs! Details are posted on my pages," he says enthusiastically. How does he still have so much energy after all that? "Thank you all again, and have a wonderful night!"

Cheers, screams, and claps sound as he walks off stage. My friends and I included. I turn to Xander after Shawn has fully left the stage. "Alright! Which one of you is taking me back to the hotel?" I ask over the noise.

"What do you mean the hotel??" Xander screams back. "We're not done celebrating your birthday!"

I laugh disbelievingly. "Xander! What else could you possibly have up your sleeve??" I try to mask my uneasiness with enthusiasm as I didn't plan on being out all night. After all, I do still have huge assignments due tomorrow night that are only half-finished.

"You'll see!" He says as him and Anna drag me out of the venue and to his car. Once in the car, I begin my questions.

"Isn't everyone else coming?" I ask worried that all of my friends don't know about whatever is happening next.

Xander waves his hand dismissively. "No, no. This excursion is just for the Three Musketeers! Us!" He says, referring to our original group of just the three of us.

"How many times do I have to tell you that no one calls us that??" I say with a laugh. He shrugs. "Well, where are we going?" I ask impatiently.

Anna sighs heavily as she leans to the front from the back seat. "You'll see when we get there. Promise, you're gonna love it!" She squeals excitedly.

"Fine, but I gotta be home by-" I freeze in the middle of my sentence as I reach for my purse. "Oh...my...god..." I say slowly, my heart beginning to pound furiously.

They look at me worriedly. "What's wrong?" Anna asks.

"No. No, no, no..." I say as I turn the dome light on and begin looking under the seats and having no luck. "I think I left my purse in my seat!" I say incredulously as both hands fly to grip either side of my forehead. "I can't believe this..."

Anna and Xander's eyes widen as they look at each other and then to me. "Y/n, relax. Breathe. I'm gonna go back in and find it," Xander says calmingly and reassuringly. "Anna you stay here and lock the car doors after I get out. Who knows what kind of freaks are out there." Just like that, he's exited the car and Anna locks the doors.

I turn the dome light off. Not wanting to draw attention to the two of us sitting in a car by ourselves at night. "It's gonna be fine. Xander will find your purse and then we will be off to the second half of your birthday party!" She says cheerfully. I smile slightly at her, my heart almost returning to normal.

"Hand me my backpack, would you? I'm gonna get some studying done while we wait," I tell her quietly. She does as I ask and soon I'm reading the beginning of a very long chapter in my textbook.

She retrieves her phone from her own purse and scrolls through it mindlessly as we wait. Every few seconds she'll reach the phone up front to show me pictures or videos people took of the concert we were just at. I sigh and pretend to look each time. I love her but she's being distracting as hell.

After the fiftieth time, I close the book loudly. "You know if we're gonna sit here, can I use your phone to check my accounts? Just in case I have any important emails or something," I say as I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Of course!" She says as she quickly hands me her phone. Glad to have gotten the phone away from her, I begin checking my accounts. I start with email, Facebook Messenger, Snapchat, and then I move on to Instagram.

Upon logging into my account, I have a few red notifications. A couple of likes on some photos and one post notification. I click on the post and Shawn Mendes' recent post comes up. I have my IG set to get notified when he posts so I don't miss any music news.

I read his comment on the vid he posted before looking at the video. Yeah, I know I do things backward. Anyway, the comment says, "Such a beautiful city, with such beautiful locals. Lucky to have witnessed this moment." Okay, interesting. What did he witness? As I scroll up to look at the full video, my mouth drops.

Third P.O.V.

Xander hurries back into the venue, not wanting to waste any time that could be spent on y/n's next surprise. A security guard stops him at the entrance. "My friend left her purse in there and I need to get it. Look here's my ticket, she was right next to me. I'll go in and be right back out," he babbles rapidly.

The guard eyes him up and down while Xander holds his arms up to show that he has absolutely nothing on him. Determining that he was no threat, the guard allows him back into the venue. "You have 15 minutes before I send someone in to bring you out," he says intimidatingly.

"Yes, sir," Xander gulps as he sprints through the doors and down the amphitheater-styled rows. Reaching the row they were in, he darts over to the number on the ticket and begins his frantic search. As it wasn't in any of the seats, he immediately gets down on his hands and knees to be able to look under them.

The floor was absolutely disgusting. There were workers floating about, sweeping and mopping up the mess but they apparently hadn't gotten to this section. Not that any of the mess was theirs because they didn't bring anything but water into the show. As Xander reaches further under the chair to feel for the purse, he's startled by a sudden voice. So startled, that the jump causes him to hit his head on the underside of the chair.

"Is there something specific you're looking for?" Xander hears a kind voice ask over the speakers. He freezes where he his, not wanting to turn around for fear that he's probably dreaming.

He decided to risk it and slowly stands back up, rubbing the back of his head. As he looks at the source of the voice, his face is taken over by shock.

"Um...you good, dude?" The man asks again. It's Shawn Mendes. Shawn Mendes is talking to him through the still-connected microphone. Sounding like an angel. Xander was absolutely fanboying over this moment.

He opens his mouth to respond, but all that comes out are half-stutters and strange noises. He nods rapidly to signal that he is fine but barely remembers the first question.

Shawn chuckles as he descends the steps from the stage and makes his way over to Xander. Upon making it to a proximity of about 20 feet, he stops. "What's your name?" He asks curiously. This is the same man that he saw from the stage and felt was familiar.

"Uh...Xander. Yup, my name is Xander. That is my name..." He fumbles as he responds and stands there awestruck.

Meanwhile, Shawn finally remembers why he's familiar. "Oh, Xander!" He's says relieved that he's finally cracked it. Xander looks confused and ecstatic that Shawn is so excited to meet him. "You work as a concierge at the hotel I'm staying at. Right?" This also makes Shawn realize that the girl next to him was the girl from the beach.

Xander's eyebrows furrow, having no idea what he was talking about. Surely, he would've noticed if Shawn Mendes were staying at his hotel. As he continues to stare intensely at him, he finally sees it. "Oh, my god. Oh, my god! You were the guy in the hoodie and the sunglasses!"

Shawn laughs bashfully at his outburst and nods. "Yeah, I am. I'm actually surprised that disguise worked," he confesses.

"Well, it was early in the morning and I hadn't had coffee. So, we'll chalk it up to that," Xander jokes, finally settling down. "Wait..." He says slowly.

Shawn raises his eyebrows as he sticks his hands in his pockets. "Yeah?"

"That means you were the guy asking about my friend," Xander realizes with a dumbfounded tone.

Shawn nods with a small smile. "Yeah. And that means that your great birthday present was my concert?" He asks with a small chuckle.

"Well, yeah. The first half of it was. Unfortunately, we won't be getting to the second half unless I can find her purse..." Xander trails off remembering that he was looking for it.

"Oh, I know where it's at," Shawn says with a shrug. Xander raises his eyebrows expectantly at the famous boy. "Right! It's up on stage. I saw her leave it and I kind of..."

"Stole it?" Xander deducts flatly as he crosses his arms.

A look of panic crosses Shawn's face as he explains. "No! I didn't want anyone else to steal it so I was gonna take it back to the hotel. Since she was there...” he trails off as Xander begins laughing.

"Dude, I'm messing with you. But, I really gotta get that purse and go," he finishes slightly serious.

Shawn jogs back to the stage to retrieve the purse. When he returns, he hands it over to Xander who tucks it under his arm protectively.

Shawn stands there awkwardly staring at Xander just as he did at the hotel. "So...where are you guys-" He begins only to be cut off by Xander.

"I'll tell you if you can answer one of my questions," he propositions. Shawn nods eagerly and Xander stares him down intimidatingly. "Why are you interested in my friend?"

Not totally surprised by the question, Shawn thinks about an answer. Why was he interested in this random girl he's never talked to? A girl he's never even seen up close?? So many answers popped into his head, but only one seemed like an honest one. "I have no idea..." He confesses.

Xander squints at him. He knows that Shawn is not shy about having one-night stands. That he always flirts with all of his fans. It's his brand. So, he doesn't care if he's famous. He will not allow this guy to mess with his best friend. Before he could open his mouth to say all this, Shawn continues speaking.

"I have absolutely no idea what her name is. What she looks like up close. What her voice sounds like. I know absolutely nothing about her..." Shawn smiles to himself as he shakes his head. "Except that she can stand on a secluded beach before the sun even rises and be content. Except that she feels music with the deepest parts of her. Except that she will feel what she wants to feel with no regard to how anyone else looks at her. And all of that makes me need to know everything else.”

When Shawn comes back from his moment, Xander his staring at him weirdly. "Soo..." Xander starts off cautiously. "We're gonna be at Midnight Metro," he says with a smile.

"What's that?" Shawn asks confused.

Xander rolls his eyes. "It's a small karaoke club. You know 'Metro' like 'metronome'? Anyway, it's not a big, popular place. But...we go there a lot to blow off steam," he explains.

"That sounds cool," Shawn says sincerely. "Would you...would you guys mind if I came?"

Xander's jaw drops. "Dude, That would make her whole surprise better! Yes, you can come! Can you figure out how to get there?" He asks excitedly.

"Yeah, I'll figure it out. I gotta work some stuff out, but I'll be there in a bit," Shawn says happily.

Xander starts walking backward as he says one last thing. "Don't take too long! She's not gonna be there past 2!"

Shawn gives a thumbs up as he turns away to get ready. He can't believe that he's actually getting a chance to meet this girl.

First P.O.V.

I log out of my account and hand the phone back to Anna. Pretending that I didn't just see what I saw. I mean...did I really see that? Did I really see a video of me posted on Shawn Mendes' Instagram account? I thought I was alone this morning. Which means...oh my god, Xander was right! That guy from the lobby was staring at me. And that guy was Shawn Mendes. Shawn Mendes is staying at our hotel.

I suppress all my flurrying thoughts, not wanting to get ahead of myself. Taking deep breaths, I begin to chill out. So, what if he took a video of me and posted it? It's not like he really knows who I am. He just saw something he thought was cool and posted it. Yeah, it happens all the time. Don't get carried away. But, he was looking in our direction at the concert. Does that mean he saw me? What is happening?

I jump as a banging on the window draws me out of my thoughts. Xander is back. I unlock the door and he hops in, handing me my purse. "You're a lifesaver!" I say clutching it to my chest.

"Yeah, you'd die without me," he teases as he restarts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. "So, what did you ladies get up to while I was gone?"

I stay silent, not wanting to make a big deal out of my discovery. Anna, however, chats away. "Oh, just y/n commandeering my phone because she thought I was distracting. You're such a stick in the mud! Why are you trying to study on your birthday night out?!"

"Maybe because I didn't expect to be out tonight and have school. Life doesn't just stop because you make surprise plans, Anna," I giggle at her theatrics.

She leans forward and kisses me on the cheek hastily. "Well, sorry that we love you and wanted you to have a great present. Oh, wait...I'm not," she giggles as she buckles her seatbelt.

"Love you, too," I say into the rearview mirror. I settle into my seat and roll down the window as we blast the radio on our way to the mystery destination. All the while, Xander is being uncharacteristically quiet as he drives. A huge smirk living on his face.

We pull up to the destination, and I immediately recognize it. Midnight Metro. Our little home away from home and local karaoke club. After showing our id's at the door, we find a table with elevated chairs to sit at. Someone finishes their song on stage as I take off my purse and hang it on my chair. I look around and it's the usual friendly people with a few newcomers.

A server walks by and Xander flags him down. "Yeah, we'll start off with three margaritas!" He says as he smiles charmingly. When the server walks away, I address him.

"Xander, what are you doing? I can't get drunk, I have to work tomorrow and do homework!" I say disbelievingly.

He puts on a face of mock surprise. "You don't want to get blackout drunk on your second night of being 21??? I'm shook," he teases me.

"I'm not saying I won't drink, I'm just saying I don't wanna have a hangover!" I can't help but laugh at his antics.

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Okay! Okay! But, I told you I had our shifts covered so you don't have work tomorrow. You can spend the whole day studying to your heart's content," he explains.

"And what about your car? If we all drink, then none of us can drive home," I observe.

Anna speaks up. "Oh! I'm DD tonight! Don't worry about that," she says chipperly.

"Then, why did he order 3 margaritas?” I say as I laugh.

Xander speaks again. "Oh, the third one is for mwah. I'm not trying to impress anybody," he jokes. He smiles wryly and I shake my head, unable to suppress the smile forming.

"I guess it's all planned out then," I say calmly. They nod in agreement. The server comes back with the drinks and slips a napkin to Xander. "That's his number isn't it?"

He nods as he fans himself with the napkin and takes a sip of his drink. "Maybe I will try to impress someone tonight," he chuckles.

"So whose singing first?" I ask.

Anna shoots her hand up. "Me! Me and you are going first, y/n!" She giggles excitedly as she runs off to put our names down on the list.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need more drinks," I laugh as I flag down the server again. "Four shots of whiskey, please," I with a dainty tone.

Xander looks at me with eyes wide. "Please tell me half of those are for me! Jeez, barely 21 and already an alcoholic," he jabs at me.

"Hey! I'm just getting in the party mood," the server comes back and sets the shots down. He leaves with a wink at Xander and I roll my eyes.

Anna comes bounding over. "Okay so guess what, I just reserved the rest of the slots on the karaoke machine for us!!! No one else wanted them, I checked!!" She claps excitedly as she delivers her news. "C'mon, y/n. Let's go!"

"Bottoms up," I say as I raise my glass to Xander's and down the shot before Anna drags me toward the stage. "So, we are starting with the greatest duet we've ever done right??"

She looks at me with a knowing stare, as if I didn't even have to ask. We head up on stage and I'm not even buzzed yet. But, I'm about to kill this. We both take a microphone. I hold mine in my hand and she lets hers rest in the stand.

"Hit it!" She says as I point at the DJ.

The notes begin and Anna starts singing Rihanna's part in "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem. All the regulars cheer, knowing what's about to go down. I dance a little to the beat and then it's my turn. Eminem's part comes on and I rap that entire verse perfectly. Xander is losing his shit, just like he does every time I rap. And I can't help but laugh in between my words, still trying to complete them. The whole song goes like that and eventually, it ends. We get a standing ovation as usual but it's Xander's turn.

I see him take his second shot before he leaves the table. As we pass each other we high-five, sort of like wrestlers switching partners. Once I'm at the table, I see that all of his first margarita is gone. I sip on mine as we watch him begin his first song of the night. Of course, he starts off with "Despacito."

Anna and I stand next to the table so we can dance but still have our drinks. She leaves to go to the bar for a soda. I hold my shot up to Xander as he sings in Spanish. He sings the word slowly and I roll my body to it. As soon as the music picks back up, I down the shot and begin dancing some weird made up dance to it.

I laugh as I dance around. That's the thing about this club, no one judges you. We're all here to have a good time. None of us are particularly great singers, but none of us are straight up awful either. When we came here before, I used to have a red band saying that I was underaged because 18 and older are still allowed in. But, I have a green band and I wave that sucker at Xander excitedly as he comes back to the table.

"Someone's feeling that second shot," he chuckles as he sips his second margarita.

I set my empty one down. "Nah. That stuff ain't even strong! Been drinking it since 17 so it doesn't really do anything bad anymore!" I dance as Anna goes up and sings "Can't Stop The Feeling!" I let out a cheerful "woo" as encouragement.

Xander seems distracted as he doesn't cheer her on. I notice that he keeps looking at the entrance. "Expecting someone??" I question him and he looks back at me surprised.

"What? No! Oh, look! Anna's almost done! Better get another drink before your turn!" He exclaims weirdly.

I turn and head to the bar. I lean on it, my butt sticking out slightly. Just after I order a tray of Melon Balls, a man I've never met speaks into my ear at a surprisingly close distance. "Hey, sweetheart. Why don't you let a real man buy you some drinks? I'm much better company than that fairy you've got over there."

"No thanks," is all I say as I stand up straighter. Not wanting to be provocative.

He brushes my hair over my ear and leans in again, his breath dripping with an acrid smell. "Oh, don't be like that. Everyone knows that a pretty girl don't get all dressed up and go to a bar just to dance with a fag," he says disgustingly as his hand drifts lower down my back.

The bartender comes back with the tray, so I pay quickly and grab it. As I turn to leave he grabs my elbow. I pull it out of his grasp, trying not to spill the drinks. I'm sick of this guy. "Oh, sweetheart. Everyone knows that pretty girls don't go home with men like you," I say my voice dripping with disdain. Before I leave I turn around one more time, "And that fairy, as you called him, is ten times the man you will ever be."

I hear him curse as I continue to walk back to the table, tray shaking in my hands.

Third P.O.V.

Shawn spent the better part of a half hour in his dressing room trying to decide what he should wear to this club. He wanted to look good when he finally meets this girl, but he also didn't want to draw too much attention to himself since he wasn't going to take his bodyguards in with him.

He decides on a pair of nice jeans and signature boots, finishing off the look with a perfectly fitted dark blue button-up with rolled up sleeves. Satisfied with his look, he grabs a leather jacket in case it gets cold and hops in the rental he had gotten for this city. Before taking off, he looks up the club and finds the address. As soon as he enters it in his GPS, he leaves the venue.

Before long, he's pulling up into the semi-full parking lot of the karaoke club. The name of it above the door in rainbow lighting. Shawn takes a deep breath as he looks in the mirror one last time. He grabs his jacket and makes his way into the club. At the door, the guard checks his id and gives him a red band.

The further he travels down the dimly lit hallway, the clearer the music gets. Right now it sounds like someone is in the middle of singing a JT song. Shawn nods his head appreciatively as he finally reaches the doorway to the club.

He hovers at the entrance, taking in the crowd and the atmosphere. His eyes roam to the stage where a pretty blonde is singing the JT song he heard from the hallway. Then, he begins to scan the crowd as he looks for Xander as his head bops to the beat. He would look for the girl, but he still doesn't know exactly what she looks like.

Finally, he sees Xander at an elevated table singing along to the song as he watches the girl onstage. With a relieved smile, Shawn begins to make his way to the table. Before he can get very far, he happens to glance over to the bar. This is where he sees a girl leaned over the bar making her order.

His eyes casually roam to her ass, which is sticking out slightly as she waits. Unfortunately, his eyes are not the only ones looking. Shawn watches horrified, as a middle-aged man who is clearly drunk begins to make a move on her. His grubby hands play with her hair and almost grab her backside. Before he does, she stands up straight and uncomfortably shrugs him off.

It's when she tries to leave with her drinks and the man grabs her arm that Shawn begins to make his way to the bar to help. Although, his help was not needed. He watches as she confidently tells off this scum. Damn. He thought. That guy's ego probably just took a terrible hit based on the look on his face right now.

Refocusing on his mission to get to Xander and meet this mystery girl, he turns back towards their table. To his surprise, and his excitement, the feisty woman from the bar sets down her tray of drinks next to Xander. Upon her return, Xander exclaims something and hugs her. They exchange a conversation that looks much like Xander trying to convince her to do something she's obviously skeptical of.

After another brief exchange, they each eat the ball of fruit from a toothpick and down the contents of the shot glass. With a giggle and a shake of her head, she walks towards the stage just as the other girl finishes. They high-five as they pass each other.

Shawn tears his gaze away from the woman and looks back at the table to find Xander looking in his direction. He jumps up and down enthusiastically as he waves Shawn over to the table. With a nervous laugh, he heads over to the table.

He's greeted with a clap on the shoulder from Xander and a very shocked expression from the girl. "Uh...hi. I'm Shawn. It's nice to meet you," he introduces himself as he offers his hand to the girl. Awestruck, she slowly takes it and gives a weak shake.

"I...I'm...Anna. And you're Shawn Mendes," she blurts out nervously.

He lets out a laugh as he rubs the side of his neck up to his hair. "Yeah. That's me."

She immediately turns to Xander who is as calm as ever. "How do you know Shawn Mendes. Why is Shawn Mendes at our club? Is this actually happening? Are you actually here right now?" She looks back and forth between the two.

It's Xander who lets out a laugh now. "Can you believe that she's the sober one?"

Shawn just smiles, not wanting to make Anna feel bad about her behavior. "I met Xander when he came back looking for a purse. He kindly invited me to come hang out with you guys," he explains calmly to her.

Her face lights up immediately. "Oh, my gosh! I can't believe you somehow topped yourself with surprises! I mean, only you could get Shawn Mendes to hang out with us after his concert," she gushes.

"Actually..." Xander begins with a sly grin. "I think it had less to do with me and more to do with her..." He finishes the statement as he slowly turns and points subtly at y/n.

She pulled a bar stool up onstage and is adjusting the mic stand to a comfortable height. As she leans over to mess with the lever, her hair creates a thin curtain between her face and the table.

Shawn immediately turns his attention towards where Xander points and gazes at the woman onstage. She's so lost in her own world that she doesn't know he's here yet. She finally gets the mic where she wants it, she sits up straight and flips her hair over her shoulder.

Finally, Shawn can see her face. His breath catches in his throat as he takes in all of her features. The dimples at the corners of her mouth when she gives a small smile to the crowd. The crinkle of her nose as she laughs at something the DJ says.

He especially admires the way her eyes light up with a spark of something he can't quite pinpoint. Is it excitement? Nerves? Is it that she's just having a good time? Or is it maybe that she knows just how amazing she is? That spark could be anything. Shawn knows instantly that he'd do anything to know what that one little spark inside of her comes from.

Shawn continues his admiring gaze as she finally tells the DJ she's ready for her song. His gaze does not go unnoticed. Anna sits quietly and glances at Shawn. She knows that look on his face. He is here for y/n. And that makes her uneasy.

Just when Shawn thinks that this girl couldn't possibly get any more wonderful, he hears the first chords of the song. It strikes him with a sense of familiarity. But, it's not until she starts singing that he realizes why. She's singing one of his songs. More specifically, she's singing "I Don't Even Know Your Name." Shawn looks over at Xander.

He has a smug grin on his face, and Shawn now knows that the conversation he saw earlier was him convincing her to do this song. "I thought it would be hilariously accurate if she sang this song," he confesses.

Shawn laughs as he looks back to her. "You're right about that. It's right on the nose. But, not for long..." he promises as he bobs his head to her singing.

[heridodiario666]

Ya no tengo inspiración. 

Tengo pensamientos,

pero los tengo bien adentro. 

y recuerdos.

Pero bien clavados.

No puedo expresarme como antes.

y diría que es por ti,

pero solo es por mi.

no puedo culparte de mis sentimientos,

tal vez si.

pero solo me hiciste sentir euforia 

antes de cada movimiento.

Se me seca la boca... 

me devoraste entera. 

Me cuesta reconstruirme,

de como dejaste de sentirme.

Me haces, me hiciste y me harás mucha falta.

y no se, 

pero siempre acabas siendo el porque de que escriba

[shawnsmusical]

Shawn said Never be alone was about Lauren. He has said multiple times wwyitm was about someone. He also said during sm3 that it was the first time he has written only from experience. Idekyn is also clearly about an actual person and he has said multiple times that it is about an actual person. He is so full of shit I am actually mad about this one bc he is so clearly and blatantly lying. The other stuff is like “yeah that’s not exactly true but maybe he believes that and is in his head sm that he forgot” but this is so obviously lying through his teeth

[wafflesetc]

In your Recs this week, the two fics you posted seen to be incomplete, or are they marked wrong in AO3?

IDEKYN is complete, I am just hoping we get an epilogue of sorts, so that is just @kkruml not knowing how to work the internet. ;) My Christmas fic is incomplete- I am planning on finishing it in the next two weeks! Hope that answers your question.

[forevermoreale]

Shawn’s Perth Q&A Breakdown

Shawn’s favorite Disney song is “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins from the Tarzan movie

Q: Is your music gonna turn into being focused on what other people like?

A: No! My music is gonna be what I like and what you guys like, always.

Q: Do you remember the other day you were livestreaming with John Mayer? Your hotel was in the background

A: Yes, I realized

Q: Will you marry me?

A: Im already married though an 8 year old proposed to me so I’m gonna have to ask her if its okay to marry someone else

Q: Whats your favorite family Christmas tradition?

A: My parents usually dance like salsa dances

Q: What made you start writing music?

A: Well when I told my dad I wanted to follow the singing career he said I couldn’t unless I would write songs and that’s basically the reason why I started writing. He was the person who made me start writing music

Q: Boost juice order?

A: Pretty lame but it’s peanut butter, banana, protein.

Q: People who inspire you?

A: Now? Probably the same people to be honest with you! I still listen to Mayer and Ed Sheeran

Q: Ever been denied entry in a club?

A: All the time! Once in a casino the guy didnt let me in because he didnt believe my age. I told him I can google my age & actually had to do it, I googled my age but he still didn’t believe me so I had to get my passport

Shawn facetimes his family back home all the time

Q: If you were to get another tattoo what would it be and why?

A: I want to get the word “perspective” So if you guys could get any good design with that it would be cool

Q: Do you like the fanprojects we do at concerts? Which one did you find the most emotional?

A: I really love them! One in France where they wrote their names on a paper and showed while I was singing IDEKYN

Shawn talked about the commercial for Armani where he was dancing. He said the legs that they show on the commercial aren’t really him, it’s from a dancer! After he said that he was like “I’m not sure if I could say this”

The fans at today’s Q&A asked Shawn about “TEW” and why he was always forgetting the lyrics and then he was saying the lyrics he keeps forgetting! He also told in Europe he forgot the exact same part of he song 3 times in a row

“My biggest success is that I’m all the way in Australia playing music”

“Childhood tv show?

-I love “Wizards of Waverly Place””

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

New beginnings | joel miller x f!reader, 7.8k

Summary: What happens when you run into that handsome stranger from the bar at Trish’s house? Where do the two of you stand two years after this unexpected encounter?

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, some back and forth on the timeline, mutual pinning, light angst, slow-burn, a smidgen of fluff, cursing, Joel being kind of a prick, Joel being an idiot, insecurities, let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Part two of the I don’t even know your name series and yes, I know it’s been a long time coming, sorry about that! I’m confident (well, aren’t you a bold one?) that the third part will be coming much, much sooner! Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all!

Dividers by @strangergraphics

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist

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BEFORE

You know that warmth. You remember it. His warmth. His large, calloused hand completely encircles yours as you formally introduce yourselves. If his reflexes weren’t fast enough, you’d still be staring at him, unable to believe he’s standing right before you.

The storm of all those memories overwhelmed you and Joel realized that, unlike the rest of your company who continued to stand behind your back in blissful ignorance. Your mind had become detached from your body, which seemed to make decisions of its own; you were ready to do anything at this moment.

If he chose to show his hand and acknowledge you, you would follow his lead. If -by some miracle- he chose to lean in and kiss you, you would reciprocate. If he chose to pretend he didn’t know you, you would put up with it. You would do anything to be good for him, no common sense left in your dazed mind. But his face is serious and his warm, dry hand is firmly on yours, squeezing it lightly, in a silent form of communication, I know; it’s ok; get a grip; what the fuck. He doesn’t let go of your hand, acting as an anchor, until you decide you feel grounded enough to handle the situation. It’s at that moment that you can tell he’s waitin’ for you to be in control of the narrative. Whatever you say, goes.

You take a deep breath and tell him your name, as you finally release your hand from his and move aside to let him enter the house. The muscles between his eyebrows and around his mouth twitch imperceptibly, almost in disappointment, you think. His scent as he passes by you, hits your nostrils and your memories flood back into your mind, even stronger than before. Your body tenses and you feel your nipples tighten against the fabric of your bra. You begin to wonder how you’re gonna make it through the night.

You all move into the living room while dinner is being prepared, except for Trish who excuses herself to the kitchen. Tommy sits on the couch next to you while Joel is standing in front of the window with his arms crossed over his chest and Sarah is relaxing in her favorite spot, on some big fluffy cushions randomly scattered on the floor next to the fireplace, scrolling through her phone.

“Trish, do you need a hand?” you try to keep your voice steady, although you desperately need an excuse to leave the room. No such luck. “No babe”, comes the wrong answer, “I got it, you chill and have fun!” Why she has to be such a good friend is beyond you. You smile awkwardly and look everywhere but in Joel’s direction. Tommy puts you all out of your misery by asking you about your relationship with Trish.

“Oh, we’ve been best friends for a long time, done pretty much everything together,” you explain, deliberately raising your voice for the last part, “it’s starting to get unhealthy if you ask me,” you look towards the kitchen entrance, waiting for her reaction. “You’re not moving outta here any time soon, missy, so stop whining!” comes the reply from the kitchen. You grin as Tommy and Sarah laugh. Joel just stares at you with a scowl on his face.

“Are you staying long?” Tommy continues.

“Tommy.” Joel warns him.

“I’m just making conversation sunshine, ‘mnot being nosy!”

“It’s ok, really, no problem at all.” you intervene, feeling sorry for Tommy, still avoiding looking directly at Joel. “I’ll be out of her hair, as soon as I find a place to move to..”

“No, you won’t!” Trish protests. “Yes, I will!” you deadpan, “I told you it was getting unhealthy.”, you wink at Tommy before you could stop yourself. Why the hell did you wink at him? You need to calm down before you do something stupid. Joel’s fingers tighten, clutching his arms tighter to his chest. Shit, you don’t think straight when you’re stressed. Tommy seems to like it, though.

“Maybe we could help you”, Tommy offers, “we see lots of places ‘cause of our job, we could keep you in mind if something good comes up.”

“Tommy.” Joel drags his brother’s name across his tongue as a warning. You look at him quizzically for the first time since your handshake, wondering what they do for a living. Fortunately, you work up the courage to ask Joel directly, before Tommy has time to protest to his brother again.

“I’m a contractor” Joel informs you with the slightest hint of annoyance, as if he was reluctant to share this mundane information, “and Tommy works with me.”

“Oh, that’s cool!”, you raise your eyebrows in admiration, your eyes brightening. He takes his eyes off you and you wither inside.

“Well, never heard that one before. Joel is cool.” Tommy says in mocking surprise, giggling. You look flustered and Joel looks annoyed. “She didn’t say I was cool.” he frowns at his brother, “I know my job is far from fancy, you don’t have to just say that.” he turns his reply to you, displeased with your comment.

God, you feel like a little child in his presence, he can’t just chastise you like that, you have two kids of your own, you’re an adult, for Christ’s sake. “I know I’m not,” you say defensively and you start to get irritated. This is how the night is going to unravel? “I mean it. I have always admired people who can build and repair things with their own hands. Three pairs of eyes are now looking at you, all of them quite surprised.

Joel has absolutely no confidence in himself to start a conversation with you right now, but his curiosity gets the better of him. So, “How so?” is the next thing that comes out of his mouth.

Your eyes widen slightly in startlement at his sudden elaboration, you hadn’t expected him to continue the conversation. “Uh,” you sigh, raising your brows in deep thought and shaking your head slightly, “maybe it has something to do with my dad, he was always good at fixing things. I don’t know, it made me feel safe, taken care of. Still does, even the thought of it. I always thought that if the world ever came to an end, your kind would be the ones to survive.” you shrug, unable to look Joel in the eye and fidgeting with your fingers on your lap, the answer more intimate than you intend it to be. But you give it anyway, for him.

You want him to know that you would never lie or make fun of him. That night, however indifferent it was to him, made him indelibly etched in your memory. And even though your interaction was so brief, one night out of the thousands in your life, it made you feel something for him. Childish as it may sound, you felt he deserved your respect in some way.

There’s a moment’s silence in the room, Joel staring down at his feet, not wanting to look emotional. Taken care of. He can’t get the words out of his head; it’s what he felt for you that night, what he wanted to offer you before his chance was torn apart by the fucking knoc-

“Our kind?” Tommy intervenes once more.

“Yeah,” you try not to blush, but you can feel the heat in your cheeks, “you know, resourceful, competent, reliable.” Sarah tries to hide her grin behind her mobile phone, sneaking glances in Joel’s direction, little devil, while Tommy looks so pleased with your perception of their profession.

“Then you should definitely keep us close, take full advantage of us,” Tommy fills the silence, now his turn to wink at you, oh god, what a mess, “I’m in the same business, too, like Joel said.” Subtle. “We’d be more than happy to help darlin’, right Joel?” he turns to look at his older, brooding brother. Joel seems lost in thought or uninterested in answering. “Right?” he presses eagerly. Joel slowly raises his head, looks deep into your eyes and says nothing more than “Right” in a deep drawl of a voice. You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. He makes you feel so small but you feel a glob of arousal pooling on your underwear, making you wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Tommy turns to you expectantly, his eyes shining under the lights in the room.

“Maybe I intend to.”, you smile softly, glancing briefly at Joel before turning your eyes back to Tommy. Joel’s body stiffens, giving you the impression he’s trying to hold something back.

“Is it something particular you’re interested in, so we know what we’re looking for?” To your and Joel’s dismay, Tommy doesn’t let up. Your eyes turn briefly to Joel for help, but he looks down again, his arms still stiff across his chest, as if they had a mind of their own and were capable of murder if he let them go at his sides.

“Uuuuh,” you laugh nervously, “anything will do considering my situation, I can’t really be picky.”

“What’s bothering you, sweetheart?” Tommy frowns worriedly. Joel stiffens at the sound of the endearment.

Where do you start with what’s going on in your life right now? Only one person -apart from Trish- seems to know and he doesn’t look very happy at the moment. “Well, Tommy, I’ve two kids, two little girls and I can’t find a place that is decent enough, at a good price and owned by someone who doesn’t mind renting their property to a single mom.” Tommy’s brows are raised so high in shock, they would touch his hairline if they could. “Goddamn, how the hell did that happen?”

“How did what happen?” you ask confused. “You,” he says, his eyes roaming all over you in a definitively not subtle way, “being a single mom with two kids. What the hell did he d-”

“Tommy.” Joel’s tone is more raised this time, shooting daggers at his brother, warning him again to drop it. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ” Joel mutters through his teet, a look of disbelief on his face at his brother’s lack of discretion and if you weren’t already looking at him, you wouldn’t have heard it.

Trish comes out of the kitchen before you or Tommy can react.

“Ok guys, let’s move it to the dining table.” she clasps her hands together, “Dinner will be ready in ten!”

While everyone’s attention is focused on Trish, including yours, Joel’s eyes penetrate you in a silent command to look at him. You feel him staring at you and you turn your attention to him. He continues to stare at you as he asks Trish if she has any tools to fix her bathroom cabinet, since Tommy forgot the one thing he was supposed to remember. He takes his eyes off you as the others laugh at his accusation and turn to look at him.

“Yeah, I think I have a small toolbox in the supply closet upstairs, next to the bathroom. I don’t remember exac-”

“That’s ok Trish, I’m going to check on the girls anyway, I’ll help Joel look for it.” you take the opportunity to excuse yourself.

You stand up carefully, feeling your legs go numb and praying you don’t trip and make a fool of yourself in front of everyone. Joel follows behind you as you go up the stairs. You can feel the tension between you, his body heat almost warming your back. He can’t be that close though, can h-

As soon as you reach the door to the bathroom, he opens it in a hurry and pushes you in, grabbing hold of your arm as he follows suit. You gasp at his gesture and turn to face him. His eyes bore into yours, searching for something. His arms are clenched in fists at his side, giving you the impression he’s trying to control himself.

You’re both silent, despite a vocabulary so vast, none of the words seem to fit your thoughts and emotions. “You’re OK.” He speaks first. It’s not a question, not a reassurance. It’s a statement of fact. You look confused, trying to work out where he is going with this. He thought you would break down at the sight of him? Well, he wasn’t wrong, but he didn’t need to know. “Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” It comes out harsher than you intended.

You see in real time a series of thoughts crossing his eyes, something fragile and vulnerable in the air. But it passes as quickly as it came.

“Nothin’, nothin’.”, he shakes his head and closes his eyes, trying to clear his mind. He opens his eyes with a sigh and looks at you. You stare at each other for a good minute and then you both realize that you are together again, the two of you, in a small bathroom, behind a closed door. Your brain is blank, the only thought crossing it is to say something, say something, say something, but he beats you to it. “It’s best if we don’t tell them we know each other.” Is he serious right now? From all the things he could have said, this is what he came up with? You bite the inside of your cheek in frustration, “Well, I think we’re already past that, that firm handshake at the front door made that quite clear.”

“You played along, though. So, don’t go around accusing m-”

“Hey, hey, I’m not accusing you of anything, where is this even coming from?” you frown in confusion. He wanted you to admit you knew him in front of everyone? In front of his daughter? “Hey, guys, how do you know each other?” “Oh, we almost fucked in a bar bathroom!”. That would have gone well.

“Yeah, I’m just sayin’-”

“Look, Joel, there’s nothing to say. It’s not like I was going to shout it over the rooftops anyway.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”, he looks offended for some reason.

“Means that there’s nothing to say.” you insist sternly. “Literally.”

He laughs nervously, obviously irritated. You don’t understand why, you thought you were making his life easier. What does he want from you? “Right, right,” is all he gives you, nodding his head a few times. You raise your hands in resignation, your eyebrows raised to your forehead, your mouth open, not knowing how to navigate the situation.

“What is your problem, what do you want me to say? You pretended not to know me when you saw me and you just told me, like 30 seconds ago, not to mention anything to anyone! I think I’m doing all right so far, don’t you? How am I pissing you of exactly?” your anger makes you raise your voice slightly.

He’s all over you in a second, pinning you between his body and the bathroom door. “Keep your goddamn voice down.” he grits through his teeth, his one hand a clenched fist at his side, the other next to your head, palm flat on the door. The sudden invasion of his scent in your nostrils and the fan of his breath on your lips is all you can register, but his words come back to you and your anger boils in your gut.

“Watch your tone with me, I’m not some child you can intimidate.” you shoot back. That seems to snap him out of his headspace and he backs away slightly. He exhales loudly from his nose and rests his forehead on his outstretched arm, the other now resting on his hip. His unruly locks are so close to your face that you can practically smell his shampoo. You clench your fist to resist running your fingers through his soft hair. “Shit,” he mumbles through closed eyes, he really doesn’t seem to be able to keep his eyes on you long enough, “’msorry”.

He smells so good, so delicious, that it takes every ounce of strength you have not to wrap your hands around his broad torso. You want this moment to yourself, to wrap your arms around him and comfort him, to plant kisses all over his face, to nuzzle your forehead where his thick neck meets his shoulder, to breathe him in. The corded muscles bulging under his tanned skin make you salivate. This guy is pissing you off and all you can think of is how you’d die to touch him. Great. You rest your head on the door behind you, close your eyes and grit your teeth, trying to regulate your breathing.

“’Msorry” he mutters again, shaking his head. He looks so worried and uncomfortable, you decide to give him another chance. Maybe he’s confused, too. You both had to make a call at such a short notice, with his whole family looking at both of you expectantly to introduce yourselves. It was the logical thing to do. Wasn’t it?

Maybe he’s afraid you’d expose your naughty deeds in front of his daughter. After all, no parent wants their child to know that they’ve almost had sex with a stranger in a bar. You totally understand. And to be honest, you did leave him all hot and bothered back in that bathroom and run the opposite way, so why would he want to be in the same room with you? He probably feels insulted by your reaction that night.

Or maybe- how did you not think of this before? Maybe he has a wife. But he’s not wearing a ring. Not that it matters, lots of people take their rings off at some point. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Wouldn’t she be here with them for dinner if that was the case? With him? He doesn’t look the type, either. The cheating one. But you hardly know him, you don’t really know much about him beyond what he told you about his past that night.

“Joel.” you call his name looking at him through your lashes, your head still resting on the door.

“Hm” he hums, still in the same position.

“Joel, hey.” you try to get his attention again, this time lifting your head to look straight at him, a gentle smile on your face.

His eyes finally meet yours in a subtle, tired hey, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly.

You hold each other’s gaze taking each other in, and you both laugh softly in a quiet understanding. But this feels so warm, so soft and tender, is he really that angry with you? He must be, otherwise why the tension? You should try and put him at ease.

“Look, I understand this is awkward and unexpected; I do. But we’re fine; we’re gonna be fine, Joel.” Damn, the sound of his name in your mouth. “I won’t say anything, really, don’t worry. We’ll have a nice meal, we’ll make the typical minimum small talk and when this night is over we’ll be out of each other’s hair, you won’t have to see me again if I can help it, I don’t mean any trouble, seriously.”

And there it is again, the disappointment. “Yeah, no, I know. Sorry I snapped at you.”

Joel looks as if he’s going to say something more, but at the last moment he changes his mind.

You nod in acceptance of his apology. “Let me hand you that toolbox, before they start wondering what’s taking us so long, hm?”

“Sure.”

“Do you need any help?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Ok, I’m gonna check on the girls and then head downstairs.”

Joel nods as he takes the toolbox from you, careful not to touch you and crouches down on his knees to inspect the damage to the cabinet. You glance in his direction one last time, admiring his wide, strong form kneeling on the floor and then close the door behind you quietly.

“Fuck.” you both exhale on either side of the door.

Two rotations of the earth around the sun had passed and Joel had become a constant in your life. He came and went like the seasons, with an orbit of his own.

Winter.

His orbit was longer and colder. The distance between you grew, more so emotionally, as if something was holding him back. The domesticity of it all was too much for him, scratching at old wounds he tried too hard to keep buried. He always cared, always kept an eye on you, but from a safe distance.

Like the time you came home late from work and cursed yourself for not cooking dinner in advance. You were starving, but the thought of making something to eat seemed like too much trouble; you were exhausted. Thank goodness the girls had their dinner ready, all you had to do was heat it up. Two minutes after you let yourself in, the doorbell rang. You rushed out of the bathroom and opened the door to a takeaway, its temperature indicating that it had just been delivered to your doorstep. You looked around but saw no one. You were pretty sure it was a mistake, but then your phone vibrated,

Eat, while it’s hot.

Did you leave these outside?

Yes.

Why?

Trish told me you were caught up at work, thought I’d save you some time.

You just kept staring at the screen, your heart warm but your mind confused. A second text came while you debated what to answer him.

Need to take better care of yourself.

No, why ‘d you leave?

Summer.

His orbit was shorter and warmer, like a pleasant summer breeze. He was around more, more involved in your life.

Like the time he was in on your house hunting trip.

Like when he talked you into buying a house and not renting because he found one for you that was beautiful and ideal and close to Trish’s so you wouldn’t be alone and your daughters would love it and it was a family house. Yes, the house was a ruin. OK, maybe not a ruin, but really old. It was beautiful, but it had definitely seen better days. It needed a lot of renovation.

“Joel, I can’t afford this.” you said as you looked around, almost pained to have to say no. It was a really lovely house.

“Listen to me-” Joel tried to make his point but you interrupted him anyway.

“I am listening to you, that’s how you convinced me to consider buying a house instead of renting an apartment. But if I do, I’ll use up all my savings, I can’t afford a renovation of this magnitude,” you continued, looking around the house, moving from room to room, imagining how you would have decorated it if it was yours.

“I’m gonna help you with that.” he said bashfully.

“How are you going to do that, Joel?” you rolled your eyes at him.

“Do you remember what I do for a living?” Joel teased you and you glared at him.

“I’m not sure, I think you mentioned something about a contracting bussiness?” you mimicked him. “Joel, I’m serious. Of course I would choose you and Tommy if i could afford it.” you said in despair, eyes wide, hands in the air as if you’re pleading with him. Which you were.

“I’ll do it in my spare time.” he suggested, looking down at his feet, avoiding eye contact and hugging his chest with his arms, as if trying to protect himself from the vulnerable position he had put himself in.

It took you a minute to register what he was implying. Your jaw dropped, unsure of what to say when you did. Your heart ached with warmth and your breath caught in your chest. It was too much.

“There’s no way I’m accepting this, you know that.”

“I really don’t min-”

“Absolutely not, not in a million years.”

“Goddamn, you’re stubborn!” he snapped, not used to not getting his way. Take the fuckin’ help, goddamn it. Your eyes looked glazed, you never had the ability to deal well with people snapping at you quite well. Especially people you cared about. Joel felt your discomfort and immediately regretted his temper. Soft things needed gentle handling. And you were soft. So soft for this world. For him.

He stepped closer to you and engulfed your hands in his with a deep sigh. “Look, I’ve done the calculation. This is the best deal you can get. The price of the house is fair. In fact, between you and me, it’s low. And I’ve already worked out what needs to be fixed.” He paused, breathing in and exhaling a little harder. “I want to do this. For y- for the girls”, he stuttered and you looked down to where your hands met. These hands. His hands. Big and warm and capable. Capable of renovating your house, capable of holding your hands in his, capable of taking you apart piece by piece. Were they capable of putting you back together again?

Your whole body tingled with another wave of warmth at his touch. But it was too much. It was always too much with him. The unbearable distance or the suffocating closeness. All because he wouldn’t make up his damn mind. He couldn’t do that to you. Give you a glimpse of affection and then pull away. Because you were sure he would eventually. As he had done so many times before. This time you had to protect yourself. So you pushed him away the only way you knew how.

You tore your hands from his tender grip as you attacked him in a raised tone pointing at him. “We are not your responsibility!” You regretted it the moment you spat it out. You didn’t have to be so harsh. So quick to anger. Please, please be angry with me. Scream at me. Turn your back and walk away. Make me feel like shit.

He looked at you in shock, his eyebrows raised, a hint of sadness on his face. And something else, more subtle. As if in understanding. As if he could hear your thoughts. You were not his to care for. You were not his to protect. “I know that.” he sighed, squeezing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“Joel,-” you tried to take it back, there were not many things you hated more than what was happening right now. The fact that you couldn’t take back what you had just said. You felt terrible.

“Look,” he interrupted you, raising his arms in resignation. “I’m just trying to help. You moved states alone with two kids, starting from scratch. I just thought maybe I could ease some of the burden. It’s the decent thing to do.”

“Joel, you are cutting yourself short. This is beyond decent. Trish and you- and- and- Tommy and Sarah of course,” you mumbled embarrassingly, “you’re all I have and you have supported me in more ways than I can count. That’s why I can’t be a burden to you.”

“I didn’t mean you were a burden.”

“No, no, I know, this is not on you, this is me, I-”

His face was full of concern as he waited patiently for you to speak your mind.

“I don’t want to be a burden. Or to feel like one. Even if I know-, I know I’m not that to you. I know that. But just the thought of the possibility makes me freak out. That’s why I need to keep everything under control, because if I give it away, even a little, I don’t know how I could ever repay this kindness. I don’t even know if I’m worthy. I’m not-” your voice broke at this confession and you took a breath to recover, “my life is not easy to navigate, I don’t want anyone to stress over me.”

Joel seemed shocked for a moment, not believing what he was hearing. “You think you’re not worthy of kindness? That’s very cruel coming from someone like you.”

“Someone like me?”

“Yeah, someone good and kind and caring.”

“You must have me confused with someone else.” you joked, feeling uncomfortable at his praise.

“Darling, if I had known anyone else like you, I would have held on to them for dear life," he spat, before realizing what he had said. He laughed awkwardly, frowning at the slip of his tongue and looked around the room to avoid your gaze. Why don’t you hold on to me, then? was all you could think of, but you didn’t dare ask him. So you moved on, protecting the friendship.

“I just- Jesus, I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” you murmured through your teeth, “I was brought up to be strong, never to ask for help, otherwise it was considered a weakness. I learned to do everything myself. By the time my parents grew out of their own insecurities and urged me to be more open, more vocal, it was too late for me to change.” Why on earth are you telling him all this? Why did you mention your parents?

“So, you do kindness, but you don’t accept kindness.” Joel observed and you realized that you had never made that connection.

“I- I don’t know how to receive it; what to do with it.”

In the end, he practically forced his help on you, bit by bit, one sweet word at a time, day by day, until the house was a home. Everywhere you looked you saw Joel’s efforts.

You saw the care with which he worked on this house as if it were his own. You heard his laughter as you forced him to take a break and shoved food into his mouth, knowing he hadn’t eaten all day. Every step you took on the hardwood floors reminded you of his broad back as he knelt down to replace the old floor. Every shower you took was a painful reminder of his massive, veiny hands sweating as he reinstalled the hardware. Everything felt like Joel, even in his absence.

NOW

“What is this party for, again?” you call out from her bedroom as you apply your lipstick in front of her vanity mirror. You almost didn’t come, but you knew she’d drag your ass back to her place if you didn’t.

“This is fooor..” Trish replies from her en-suite bathroom as she searches for a good excuse, unable to find one. “You know what, I don’t need a reason to have a party! Think of it as a chance to see each other more!”

“Trish, we can do this without a million people around us and me leaving my kids with a babysitter.” you roll your eyes in fake exasperation.

“Your kids are gonna be just fine. They want you to have a good time.”

“They’re four and two years old, dude.”

“Well, in that case, they want you to find them a daddy.”

“Oh my god, Trish! Seriously?” you snort at her comment.

“That’s what’s the party’s all about! You finding yourself a daddy; if I’m being honest-”

“Please don’t!” you beg her to stop.

“-you need it more than they do. That is so perfect! I actually have a couple of guys in mind and they’re a bit older, just like you like ‘em-”

“What?” you swallow tightly and you’re glad she can’t see your face right now. “What are you talking about?”

Trish pops her head through the door and wiggles her eyebrows, “They’re about Joel’s age, is what I’m talking about.” You shake your head in denial, your eyes are closed in frustration. “Trish..”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, there’s nothing going on between you; that’s why you’re both hot and flustered every time you’re in the same room.” Your shoulders slump down but you don’t answer because this is getting old.

“What, nothing to say for yourself?” Trish weighs up your reaction and lack of response.

“Frankly, I don’t know what else to say to you.” you shrug in defeat.

“Fine, then find someone to fuck, tonight. That would clear up the air.. for all parties.” Thankfully, you’re saved by the bell, “Jesus..” you mutter to yourself as she leaves you once again to open the door for the first guests.

The party is a success by Trish’s standards, as the house is overflowing with guests. Some of them you knew, most of them you didn’t.

Joel is somewhere in the crowd, chatting to a couple of ladies who have trapped him between them, ogling him like vultures. You make it your mission to rescue him, judging by the desperate look on his face and the furtive glances he throws your way.

As you move to head to his direction, an arm gently encircles your elbow. You turn to see who it is, and are greeted by a stranger. Tall, broad, sweet brown all over his features. He exudes an earthy and secure aura.

“Hi.” the stranger smiles warmly at you, looking deep into your eyes.

“Um,” you blush, why on earth are you blushing, “hi!” you say back. Original.

“I’m Marcus, a colleague of Trish’s.”

“Oh, hi, nice to meet you!” you tell him your name and shake his hand.

“I knew I was right.” he says amusedly, as if talking to himself.

“About what?”

“Trish gave me your name and told me to come find you.”

“Excellent tracking skills, are you a detective or something?”, you tease him playfully.

“Yeah, something like that..”

“Oh- I-” the words catch on your tongue.

“But I had a great lead, wasn’t that hard, to be honest.” he adds.

“Can you share it with me, or you’ll have to kill me if you tell me?” you joke. He was so easy to talk to.

Marcus tips his head back, laughing, “I wouldn’t resort to such methods; let me buy you a drink and we’ll call it even.”

You look down at your hands, your cheeks red from his attention, rolling the bottle of beer you are holding between your palms, too tightly.

“I mean, not right now; I’m sure we could work something out if you’d indulge me.” he adds sheepishly, somehow sensing your train of thought.

God, he’s adorable and not too bad to look at. Actually, he’s quite handsome. “Well, I’ll have to see if your lead is worth my time first.”

Panic rushes through you as you realize the sound of what you said while trying to be funny, and you try to correct it quickly. “Not that- oh gosh-” you feel so embarrassed, but Marcus laughs heartily and shakes his head from side to side.

“Shit, sorry, it was a joke, that’s not the only reason I would go out with you-” Isn’t it? What are you doing? What is he doing to you? Where is Joel? Shit, Joel.

You steal a glance in his direction and he’s already watching your interaction with Marcus, his face hard and unreadable.

“Isn’t it?” Marcus’s voice draws your attention back to him, your eyelids flattering in confusion. He grins, pleased, but so sweet it’s impossible to roll your eyes at him. Your shyness pours through your body language, making Marcus want to comfort you.

“Hey, hey, it’s cool, don’t worry about it. I know it was a joke; I liked it.” he says honestly, “And even if that was the only reason I’m sure by the end of the night you would have changed your mind.” he gives you a lopsided smile, but there’s no smugness on his face.

When he starts to speak again, Trish interrupts, effectively shutting him down. “What took you so long, I thought you couldn’t find her!”

Marcus smiles again, warmth and familiarity washing over you instantly, “Oh, I found her, quite quickly.” his eyes twinkling.

Trish smirks as if she’s realized something, “Come on, I need you outside.”, she grabs your arm and pulls you along, “I’m gonna steal her for a bit, sorry to interrupt.”

“It’s OK, I’m confident I can find her again.”, Marcus winks at you and your heart skips a beat.

You start to walk away, but abruptly turn back, your curiosity overpowering you.

“Never told me about that lead.” you ask him, your eyes wide and wondering.

Marcus bites the inside of his cheek, looking briefly down and then meets your gaze with a hunger in his eyes. “Oh, I had to find the most dazzling woman in the crowd.”, he shrugs as if it was the most self-evident fact in the world. “Mission accomplished.”

You replayed your interaction with Marcus in your mind as you helped Trish light the lanterns on the porch. He had been so kind, direct and sweet, making you feel seen. What bothered you was your reaction. Your insecurity, your inability to believe that he was talking about you. The urge you had to fight when you thought of looking around the room to make sure he wasn't referring to someone else.

What bothered you most was that although it had been two years since you had separated from your husband, you had never felt insecure about yourself. He couldn’t make you feel that way. Of course you doubted yourself at first, looking for your share of the blame, but his actions spoke louder than words, and you couldn’t blame yourself for everything, even if you tried.

But Joel did. He made you feel insecure, vulnerable. With his mixed signals and his constant back and forth, he managed to drive you crazy. What did he want from you? Why couldn’t he make up his mind? Why weren’t you enough? Were you too much?

Maybe it wasn’t just Joel. Maybe anyone in his position would have the same concerns. Perhaps Marcus would do the same if he found out about your family status. Where did that come from? You don’t even know the guy, stop it.

“OK,” you hear Trish behind you, “all set, let’s get back inside.”

You nod, but as you turn to go into the house, Trish comes close, a mischievous look on her eyes and lips. “Maybe, uh..” and she pauses dramatically making you furrow your brow in puzzlement. “Maybe I was wrong about the age gap, huh?”

Oh, god.

“He’s one of the good ones; I approve.” she winks at you and slaps you on the ass cheek, ushering you into the house while you roll your eyes the hardest you could manage.

“Ok, now I need to know.” He laughs heartily, his eyes wrinkling, his whole face lighting up. It didn’t happen very often. It made your heart swell that you were the one making it crinkle with laughter. You loved that face.

“What?” you reply, unsuccessfully fighting back a laugh, dragging out the vowel. You had had a few beers and were relaxed and comfortable around him. You were both standing near the stairs, giving yourselves a bit of privacy from the crowded party. You were still visible to everyone, but it was a little quieter than the constant buzz throughout the house.

“Well, you’re obviously mad at him-” Joel states matter-of-factly, as he leans his back against the wall behind him, but you interrupt before he can finish, “No, I’m not!” and slap your hand on the railing next to you for good measure.

“Uh, uh, uh, none of that,” he looks at you mischievously, “but you never say anything bad about him. So, which one was he?”

“What on earth do you mean, Joel?” and you half whimper his name, thanks to the alcohol in your system, making his cock twitch. God, the things he wants to do to you.

Joel inhales sharply, trying to keep his composure, because he really needs to know what kind of an idiot husband you had chosen to place by your side only to be betrayed; a side he would die to be by. If only he had been the right man for you.

“Which half was he?”

You burst out laughing, finally figuring out what he means. You’re impressed that he still remembers, although it makes sense since you sort of insulted him that night. You know you can’t lie for shit, so you brace yourself, anticipating his reaction. You can almost see the face he’s going to make.

“Actually..” you start, prolonging the suspense, not on purpose, but because you are choking on your own giggles. It’s going to sound so pathetic, but for some reason you can’t wait to tell him how you’ve been deliberately putting yourself down for years. “Yeah...?” His eyes are fixed on you, amused, but you can see the agony underneath.

“He was both.” And you can barely contain your laughter, almost snorting.

He is still at first, as if some invisible remote control has paused the whole scene, waiting for the oh, I’m kidding. When that moment passes, his eyebrows go up so high, his forehead fills with wrinkles. His jaw drops open and he actually looks shocked to the core, almost frightened.

“Both? BOTH?” he practically hovers over you in frustration. “So, emotionally unavailable and bad sex.” he says again, incredulous that someone like you would ever choose someone like your ex.

“Joel!” you chastise him, slapping him on the shoulder, looking around you to see if anyone has overheard your conversation.

Joel fake hisses at your fake hit and taunts you with his laugh.

You shake your head dismissively, “What can I say? You know me, I don’t go halfway, I go all the way.” you reply between laughs, pumping your fist in victory.

He shakes his head in mock despair, then looks down for a few seconds, as if he’s making his mind up for something and then up at you through his lashes. “Oh, baby,” he sighs, “you really need someone to take good care of you” his voice drops, his eyes still holding the amusement but there is a hunger behind his words.

You inhale sharply and then hold your breath as your brain fantasizes about him taking good care of you, right now. You stare at each other for a long time, as if there’s no one else around, and finally you break the silence. A slight anger begins to glimmer in your chest, but you try to push it down. “Well, no such luck on that front.” you drop the bait and see where it takes you.

He can’t say things like that and expect you to do nothing. A small glimmer of hope tries to climb over the uneasy feeling inside you. It sinks its claws into your heart, scratching at the surface of your well-hidden desire. Maybe this time he’ll take a chance on you. Maybe this time he will ask you. Maybe. You try to push that away as well.

“Maybe you should put yourself out there more.” There he is. He’s pulling back, again. It’s fucking exhausting. You know you should be more patient and see where this goes, but your anger is boiling fast, ready to pour out of every pore. He started it, so you might as well finish it.

“Unless, what I need is in here.” Please, please, don’t make me regret this. Over and over, like a mantra.

He swallows so hard you can see his Adam’s apple bobbing, his knuckles turning white around his beer bottle. His eyes keep darting between yours, searching for something.

“Pretty sure it’s not, if you know what’s good for you.” Did he just say that? Your pulse rises and you hold back the tears that tend to gather so easily at your waterline. How could he say that to you? But you recover quickly, he won’t see another drop of tears from you. Not ever again.

“What, you don’t like Marcus?”

“Who?” you see Joel’s body stiffen at the man’s name, his eyes frantically scanning yours for an answer and revenge never tasted better. You would say you were drunk on power if it weren’t for the damn beers.

“Marcus, Trish’s colleague from work, she introduced us tonight- well- not exactly, but- anyway.”, you dismiss your own comment by waving your hand in the air. “Maybe you’re right. I should start giving people a chance. Maybe I’ve waited long enough.” There’s someone interested in you. He’s interested in you and he’s shown it. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel the look of desire in someone’s eyes. But you’d rather it was Joel’s.

Check mate. His move now.

“Are you sure you want to lead with Marcus?” His voice full of mockery. “You don’t even know the guy.”

“Oh. So, let me get this straight.” you counter. “I should get myself out there and I should do it with someone I know. Let me think.” you take a deep breath and in that short time of in and out through your nose, you debate whether you should say it. Joel seems to catch up with what you’re thinking, raises his hand and purses his lips, but before he can speak-

Fuck it.

“Are you offering?” You ask playfully, with a saccharine smile. Sometimes you really wish you were not so direct. But you couldn’t deny the sweet satisfaction of nailing him to the wall, when you saw the look of mortification on his face. The time for regret would come, but it was not right fuckin’ now.

Joel is speechless, his eyes widen and his mouth opens and closes without a sound. He clearly thought you’d back down. Maybe he thought you liked this dancing around. Maybe he thought he had more time on his hands. Or maybe he didn’t expect you to finally confront him head-on. Still playful, but head-on.

He takes a deep breath and tries to compose himself. He starts to say something, but you don’t catch it because out of the corner of your eye you see Marcus approaching you quickly. If a higher power was listening tonight, it was focusing on the wrong part of the story.

Just before he enters your personal space and you excuse yourself, you linger slowly over Joel, touching his waist with one hand. You feel the warmth of his skin through his shirt and under your palm. You take your eyes off his and look at his plush lips as your face comes dangerously close to his. Your lips brush the space between his earlobe and his neck and you painfully accept this is probably the most you will ever have of Joel Miller. His breath hitches at the feel of your soft lips and the puff of air as you whisper in his ear, “Relax Joel, I wasn’t counting on you.”

That hurt.

previous |

[kkruml]

I don’t even know your name Chapter 19

@smoakingwaffles there are words- 10 versions and 10 rounds of feedback that resulted in a sing song of my favorite Grease song. YODA YE ARE AND LOVE YE I DO.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 2.5 | Chapter  3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11| Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18

AO3

Previously

“Those ‘things’ Lady Jane, they are there- now, With Jamie. All you have to do is take them.” His eyes softened; his voice low. “The question is- do you want to?”

A small smile formed as my hand wiped away my tears. I paused, letting his words settle under my skin, feeling their full weight. My voice was shaking, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Yes you do, LJ. You’re just afraid of it.” His voice had a trace of humor in it, and he sighed as his eyes slowly closed. His hand tightening around mine.

He was right, I knew the answer. I was afraid. Afraid of the life I had envisioned for so long and the flashes of a life that could be lived. I needed to reconcile who I was with who I wanted to be.

It was time to make a choice.

Claire

A knock on the door stirred me as I heard a figure shuffle into the room. The familiar sound of medications hitting the paper dispensing cups caught my ear as I took mental stock of my surroundings. I heard the familiar beep of the monitor and the smell of hand sanitizer stung my nose.  

My eyes were dry, and it took a second effort for them to open. When they focused, I was faced with a blank wall, save a familiar framed print of a vase- brimming over with flowers.

A blank wall.

A vase of thistle and heather.

Unmarked canvas.

Jamie.

Bare wall.

Boston.  

My thoughts swirled as I lifted my head- my neck was stiff and the deep ache of exhaustion lingered in my bones. My hand was still intertwined with Joe’s, his pulse slow and strong under my fingers. He was fast asleep, likely put under by the steady drip of morphine in his IV. I blinked hard and saw the clock hanging on the wall. It was nine o’clock- I had fallen asleep in Joe’s room, my head on the side of his bed for the last few hours.

 Jamie

His eyes stayed on the door to Joe’s room. Fingers drummed against his thigh incessantly as he tried to keep his breathing under control. He could still feel her tongue against his, taste her need and feel the urgency as he pressed into her. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts and focus.

If there was one person who could set her straight, it was Joe. He could almost hear the hum of Joe’s voice through the wall, stern but kind. Joe would tell her to go to Boston, and he would be right to do it.

The hands moved around the clock at a painstakingly slow pace.

He made a quick call to Murtagh- letting him know he wouldn’t be in Glasgow in the morning, asking for a few days off. As soon as the words left his mouth he abruptly ended the call, before his ears caught a string of Gaelic swears he knew were coming.

He knew the timing was bad, with recent developments ahead of schedule, but he could not think about work or all that he had planned- with her. He was going to need time, space, and to cut himself off from anything that reminded him of them.

He had hunched forward, elbows on his knees, his hands locked together as his chin rested on his knuckles. He waited, eyes locked on that door- barely risking a blink.

His eyes followed the nurse as she methodically knocked on Joe’s door, not waiting for a response before entering. The door swung shut, clicking behind her. More seconds ticked away on the clock as he waited. When the door finally reopened, Claire emerged slowly from the darkness. Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself, shoulders tense. Her eyes were unfocused- red and drowsy. She moved as if in a fog- desperately searching for refuge.

He all but jumped out of his chair, using every ounce of restraint not to run to her and gather her into his arms.

“Are ye alright, Sassenach?” the last word hitched in his throat and he swallowed hard.

“Please Jamie,” she sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping, “take me home.”

The walk back to their flat was slower than usual, Claire’s feet shuffled against the pavement as she meandered slightly. His hand hovered at the small of her back, ready to steady her or steer her should she waver.  

With the door locked behind them, they were alone, safe, and timid with each other. His eyes scanned her as she stared at the two mugs still side by side on the dining room table.

There was so much to say, but tonight they were both hollow. The rush of intertwining her world with his to the gutting realization of Boston- trying to hold their world together amidst the backdrop of her birthday and Joe’s accident.

No. Tonight, they needed whisky and the promise of sleep. He needed her beside him.

She looked fragile, a breath away from crumbling. He stepped carefully around her towards the liquor closet. He eyed her closely, seeing her hands shaking slightly. “That bad, is it?”

“And worse,” her voice wavered as her eyes opened, meeting his gaze.

He nodded slowly, taking two glasses and filling them with her favorite whisky. Handing her a glass, he raised his own. “To Joe.”

Her chin trembled slightly; he could see the fear and anxiety wash over her as she tipped hers in response before downing the liquid in one motion. Her eyes closed again as she swallowed, her jaw clenched but her eyebrows slowly relaxed. He caught a flicker of relief in her breath as it steadied, and her eyes opened to meet his before lowering to the floor.

“Come, Sassenach,” he reached out a hand to her, “Let’s get ye to bed. Ye looked fashed and ye need sleep.”

She paused for a moment before nodding and took his hand, eyes not lifting from the hardwood floor as he led her down the hallway to their bedroom.

He couldn’t sleep.

His body was attuned to hers, feeling every muscle twitch as she tossed from side to side. She had been restless all night- entangling her limbs with his and fidgeting with the sheets before abruptly searching for solitude.

He had felt her weight leave the bed more than once, and each time he fought the urge to follow her. Instead, he locked his hands together against his pillow, ears perked to each sound from the kitchen. He had heard the clink of glass, the flow of water from the tap, and deep breaths as she emptied the cup before her feet shuffled back towards him.

He breathed in the scent of her body and the mass of curls dripping in lavender, listening to her every sound, taking in her nearness. Their bed- his bed, would not feel the same without her; there was no relief from the pressure in his chest as he soaked in every moment she lay next to him.  

Claire

His heat was too close, I couldn’t breathe. My thoughts could not focus with the promise of his touch one breath away. I turned my head to see the outline of his cheekbone, kissed in moonlight. His eyes were closed but his breathing was shallow; he was just as restless as I was. My eyes stared at the clock- 4:00am.

I let out a heavy sigh and pulled myself out of bed once more, my eyes not leaving his face. His eyebrows creased and his hand flinched but he did not open his eyes.  

I dressed silently in the dark, grabbing for the nearest shirt I could find- Jamie’s. I sighed and it felt hollow. I slipped it over my head; the scent of honey, almond, and body wash encompassed me as I breathed in his aroma. Finding my jeans and his sweater, I padded to the door. Looking back once more at his form on the bed, my eyes traced his sculpted muscle, intertwined with cotton sheets. His red curls were tussled against his forehead as his hand rested on my pillow.

The streets were quiet, with whispers of daylight just creeping up from the horizon. It was only a few blocks, and I needed to think.

It was time to decide.

The hospital came into view. I needed sanctuary, and at this time of morning the gallery of the operating theater would be empty. I picked up the pace, looking for solitude and clarity.    

Jamie

He had felt her stir, heard the shuffle of clothing as she moved through the flat. The click of the door lock hit his ears with a deafening sound.

He counted the minutes she was gone. Every muscle in his body ached and his head throbbed. A thousand thoughts swirled around him as he waited; he fought sleep but his body surrendered to sheer exhaustion as his mind conjured the exact amber of her eyes.

The sound of the door latch shook him from his sleep. His ears followed the familiar cadence of her feet against the floor, and he felt his shoulders relax slightly. He slowly opened his eyes enough to see a soft glow peeking through the window against the curtains. His eyes came into focus as they caught the time on the nightstand- 5:35am.

Her weight shifted the bed slightly as he turned his face to hers, a small curl of her lip formed as she whispered, “Hi.”

He blinked slowly, taking in every angle of her face and committing that sound to memory. His voice was low, thick with fatigue, “Mo chridhe.”

“Are you awake?”

“Aye, a restless wee billy goat lay next to me last night,” he with a half crooked smile. “Dinna ken where the wee creature went.”

It was enough to elicit a small laugh, and he smiled in response.

“Jamie?” Her voice was small, barely leaving her lips.

He almost broke at the sound of his name on her lips. His hand tentatively moved towards hers, breathing deeply before gently closing his around hers. “Cla-” He paused, the thought of her name made his heart constrict. “…Sassenach?”

Her fingers pressed softly against his, her eyes watching his as she asked, “C-Can you take me somewhere?”

“Aye.” He cocked his head slightly against the pillow, eyebrows creased. “Where do ye wish to go?”

“Just...” she started, waving her other hand towards the glow from the window, sounds of traffic softly humming from the street below. “Away from here.”

The air was crisp as they slowly made their way up the footpath. He could walk this path with his eyes closed. But today, his eyes were locked on the horizon, yearning for the clearing awaiting them, needing air and space to think clearly. But every footstep was closer to their farewell and his feet were heavy, grazing the dirt and finding uneven ground.

He had brought her here before, all those months ago. His heart almost burst with the possibilities then, now he felt it crack, sinking with every movement forward.

He pulled his eyes from the first colors creeping across the sky and turned to see Claire, her eyes locked on him. Stormy blue met golden amber and he stopped. Her cheeks were gently kissed with a soft pink, a few curls floated around her face as the wind swept through the valley.

He wanted to remember her just this way, and without another breath one hand touched her face and his lips searched for hers. His breath mixed with hers as her mouth opened to his, and the warmth of her tongue sent a current down his spine. His other hand wrapped around her waist, anchoring her to him as he searched for absolution, finding only endless waves of heat as her arms locked around his neck and he drank in the taste of her.  

Breathless and drowning in her touch, he broke their contact as his hand held onto her face, fingers locked into her curls. He felt a rush of calm as he stepped back from her, turning towards the peak as his other hand found hers, lacing his fingers with hers.

Together, they crested the top of the Graham. Plumes of vibrant violet and a burning red flashed across the sky as he led her to his spot- a ledge of granite well-worn by time and softened by a thick cover of moss.

This place was the same, but felt so vastly different. Effervescent colors had streaked the sky before, painting the horizon in a vivid watercolor of light at sunset- seemingly just for them. That was the first time his heart had formed the words before he could find the courage to speak them.

Tha gaol agam ort.

I love you.

He meant it more now than he ever had. He needed to speak the truth of his soul but could not find the words.  Being here again with her- now- his heart was all but splintered as he knew this is where they would say goodbye.

He took a deep breath before he unlocked his fingers from her and took a step back, memorizing her face as the sunrise warmed her face.

“Jamie,” her voice was soft, her eyes focused on an unknown spot in the distance. “We need to talk about Boston.”

Fuck.

“Aye,” he sighed deeply as he fought the urge to look away. “We do.”

Please. Just one more moment before this all shatters.

His eyes traveled every curve of her face and soaked in the exact color of her curls, the furrow of her brow and every spec of gold in her eyes. He felt the words coming, both conjuring and cursing them as they formed on his tongue.

Her eyes finally shifted to him, her fingers locked together in her lap.  “Jamie-”

“Claire-,” he interjected, unable to hear the words that would ruin him. If his heart were to break, he would be the one to strike the crushing blow.  

She sat silently, lips slightly parted but she said nothing. Her eyes were wide but soft, curls sweeping across her face as she cocked her head to one side, listening.

Christ she was beautiful.

“You are going to Boston.” His words came out slowly, tasting sour as each syllable burned his tongue.

This is it, man. Ye canna stop now.

“Ye need to do this. I am sae proud of ye- ye’ll be a gifted surgeon.” His words tumbled out as his voice shook, “I mean- to say… ye already are. But Boston, ye said it yerself- anyone would be lucky.”

His eyes closed as he tried for air, his accent thick in his throat as he slowed down enough to focus as his eyes opened to meet hers once more. “But yer no’ lucky. Yer gifted in healing. Ye’ve earned it. Ye must go.”

Her face contorted slightly as she shook her head slightly, her brows pressed together, and her lips pursed. Her cheeks were flushed and tendrils freed by the wind swirled around her face.

His very own tumbleweed.

No. Not his.

“Are you finished?” Her tone verged on amusement as one eyebrow rose as she looked at him.

He breathed heavily, having spent all his air saying the words he’d dreaded over the last forty eight hours. His head crooked slightly, running his hands through his curls as he nodded, “Aye.”

He stood, facing her, feeling unsteady. His hands shook with adrenaline and anticipation. His eyes shifted slightly to the space next to her. It would be easier to keep his distance, but he needed to feel her touch against his skin. He swayed slightly as he heard her voice cut through his thoughts, “Jamie, will you sit with me?”

It wasn’t a question, and he did not hesitate. He felt the pulse between them strengthen as he eased onto the ledge, back straight and shoulders square. He took a final breath to steel himself before he turned his face to meet hers.

“I love you… you know that, right?” A ghost of a smile flashed across her lips before it vanished.

“Aye.” His heart was pounding in his ears and his jaw clenched as he forced himself to hear her words.

Her hand lightly traced his, her fingers slowly nestling between his. “And you love me enough to want what’s best for me.”

Christ.

His eyes shifted to their hands, the final moments of their lives linked. His hand tightened around hers as he tried for deep breaths.

“But what if what I want…” she trailed off, as she took her other hand and slowly lifted his chin, tilting his face to meet hers, “is right here?”

“Claire-” He started as his hand rose to his face, grasping for hers as he tried to pull it away. She ignored it as she pressed her palm into his jawline.

“No. Jamie. This is my life. My choice.” Her voice was steady as her thumb lightly grazed the skin against his cheekbone.

“But ye canna-”

“I bloody well can!” Her voice was strong now, almost forceful as she pulled her hand away. She rose and took a step back, shaking her head as she turned to face him again. “What good is a career in Boston if I have no one to share it with?”

His pulse quickened as he dared to really hear her words and he felt a pang of hope as he shook his head, trying to keep the trembling pieces of his heart from crumbling.

She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one hip. “My life is here. It’s Joe, Gail- it’s you.”

“Sassenach-” he was unwilling to hope. He dropped his head, shaking it slightly as his eyes closed. “I canna be the reason ye stay.”

“Jamie. Look at me.”            

He slowly opened his eyes to see her kneeling in front of him, eyes level with his. He moved to lean back but her hands clasped around his neck, holding him close.

“I’ve never known home, until you. It’s not England, Scotland, or Boston. But you.”

He could not find words. He leaned forward, his forehead resting against hers as his shoulders tensed.

“Please- don’t push me away,” the veil of calm had cracked, her voice shaking as her fingers pressed into his neck. “The sum of my choices is my life, and this is the life I choose, Jamie.”

“Mo nighean donn…” his voice was raspy, his heartbeat quickening as he struggled to keep his thoughts from scattering.

“I want this, Jamie. I choose us.” Her eyes burned into his like an ember.

He took one final breath, his arms slowly wrapping around her, holding her in place, not letting her go.

“Besides,” she said with a curl of her lip, “I bloody well can’t live without you.”

The sun caught the flecks of gold in her eyes as the smile spread across her face. Her lips slowly found his- tender and gentle. The moment he felt the heat of her skin, his arms pulled her tighter, his tongue sought hers. Her chest pressed into his as her hands traveled from his neck to his shoulders and locked into his curls. His hand cupped her head as their mouths moved together, a rhythm that matched the pulse of his heart. Every ache and throbbing pain of the last few days was slowly washed away as he breathed in her kiss. He moaned into her mouth as the words came into focus. You are my home.

She wasn’t going, she was staying.

Home.

Both breathless, she sighed as her face dropped from his, resting her forehead against the crook of his neck. He held her close; her arms were securely locked against his back, their breath slowly steadying as he felt a hum vibrate against him.  

“Jamie?” she asked, slowly tilting her face up towards his.

“Aye?” His nose trailed hers as every sense filled with her.

“What does ‘mo nighean donn’ mean?” Her voice was soft but he caught the distinct Scottish lilt she always tried for and a giggle settled deep in her chest.

His eyes opened slowly, meeting hers. His voice was warm and calm, “My brown haired lass.”

Her head tilted slightly, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth as she sighed. “Yes. I am.”

She was. And she always would be.

Moments in time not yet lived flashed before his eyes, and he rested his cheek against her curls. All these months away from her- late nights, weeks in Glasgow and London, secrets, and half-truths. He was ready.

It was time to tell her the truth.

[cynicallystiles]

Beach Sunrises: Kid in Love

Author: @cynicallystiles

Warning: Physical harassment, slight physical abuse, mentions of girls loving girls, bar fight, cop evasion, reckless behavior, cursing, and some slight teasing of smut.

Abbreviations: y/e/c = your eye color

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x Reader

Summary: While on tour one day, Shawn sees a woman watching the sunrise by herself. Thinking that he’ll never see her again, he tries to forget as he goes on with the rest of his day. But, serendipity seems to have other ideas…

Notes: Yo, I gave up sleep to finish this on time for y’all. Enjoy my dark and twisty mind. PLEASE REBLOG OR COMMENT if you like it! I always welcome messages and asks about my work! Enjoy! P.S. Two fics in one day is unheard of for me.

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Part 2 Part 4

Words: 5,560

First P.O.V.

I manage to shakily get the tray back to the table. When Xander notices my return, he immediately starts acting weird. "You got my favorite!!" He exclaims before he pulls me in for a hug. "Okay, so I have the perfect song for you to sing next!"

I look at him skeptically. "What if I wanted to pick my own solo song?"

"Then I would have to say tough luck," he says truthfully. "Because your birthday night is really about me and what I want. Didn't you know?"

I cock my head to the side. "What's going on? Not even you would dare make my birthday about you," I squint at him.

"Technically, it's not your birthday. So ha!" He grins at me mischievously.

I sigh heavily. "What's the song?" I know there's no changing his mind once he starts bringing loopholes into the equation.

"Yay! Okay. So you're gonna sing IDEKYN," he says excitedly.

I lean against the tall table, despite my small height. "Okay...why that one? I mean there are so many Shawn songs you love hearing me sing. That's not one of them," I interrogate him.

"Maybe I want to hear something new on my own personal radio," he beams at me.

I glare at him intimidatingly. After not being able to read any clues on his face, I give in. "Your wish is my command," I say as I roll my eyes. He claps excitedly and we both grab a toothpick with a melon ball.

I raise mine to him and he does the same before we both eat it and then down the shots they came with. Anna finishes her song just as I leave the table. We pass each other and I shoot her a wink before we high-five.

I settle in on a bar stool as I adjust the mic. After doing so, the DJ makes a corny joke about me getting a standing ovation for this next one. The alcohol must be starting to set in because I find that extremely funny and can't help but laugh.

After signaling that I'm ready, the songs starts. I start out sitting down and by the time the song picks up, I'm standing and walking around the stage with the mic. It's fun to just bop along and do my own little dance moves to it.

As I get to the end of the song a glance over at our table to see Xander and Anna cheering me on. But, they're not alone. I can't quite make out who it is from this distance. It's a guy. Tall. Curly-ish hair. Surely, Xander hasn't picked up a guy already?

I finish the last lyric and bow while everyone claps. Of course, I can hear Anna calling for an encore. "I'm gonna take a brief intermission, guys! And when I come back...prepare to have your socks knocked off!" I giggle as I set the mic back in the stand and hop offstage.

My head is feeling slightly dizzy, and I can tell that I should probably start cutting back on the drinks or I'm not waking up until the evening tomorrow. I glance at the clock as I make my way back to the table. 12:39. A little less than two hours until I'll be cozy in my bed.

The closer I get to the table, the taller this mystery person seems to get. Xander sees me approaching and a wicked grin takes over his features. Meanwhile, Anna stands behind him and eyes the man suspiciously. I cock my eyebrow at her and she just shrugs like she had no part in it.

As I am finally within earshot of the table, I begin speaking. "Xander, what have we told you about picking up strays-" I begin to chuckle but it gets caught in my throat as the man turns his head toward me. I must be really drunk because there is no way that this is who I think it is.

He smiles broadly when he sees me. It's when he introduces himself that I know this isn't an alcoholic hallucination. "I'm Shawn. Though you probably already knew that seeing as how you were at my concert..." he laughs nervously.

My mouth almost drops but I force it to stay closed. I don't want to seem too weird. "Uh...yeah? Yeah, I did know that..." I shoot a glance at Xander who is giggling to himself. "Did you buy me Shawn Mendes for my birthday?"

Xander almost spits out his drink and even Shawn lets out a chuckle. I look back and forth between the two, while still observing the quietness of Anna in all this.

"Xander...It's really sweet and all, but I think he's a little out of your price range," I say feeling the alcohol in my system. He's about to say something back when I continue speaking, "I think you should probably return him to the store and get your money back. You'll be in debt for a very long time if you don't."

Oh, my god. Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking!

I'm convinced that I'm thoroughly making a fool of myself when Shawn cracks up laughing. Xander does as well. "Oh honey, I'm well aware he's out of budget," Xander tells me as he lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Xander invited him to come when he went back to get your purse," Anna explains uninterestedly.

I look over at Shawn, who's already looking at me with concentration. "Why'd he do that?" I blurt out.

"Because I actually asked if I could tag along," Shawn tells me with a small giggle. He is even more beautiful up close.

I continue to stare intently at his honey eyes. "Has anyone ever told you that you're more beautiful up close? 'Cuz you are..."

He shakes his head with a bashful smile. "Thanks. I don't think I actually have," he confesses.

My cheeks heat up and I realize that I'm being ridiculous. "I'm sorry! I didn't know I'd be meeting anyone important or I wouldn't have drank as much..." I comb my hair out of my face gently.

"No! It's alright," he says through laughs, "you're being honest. I like it." He smiles sincerely and I remember that Xander and Anna are still here.

I tear my gaze away from Shawn as I turn back to the group. "So, who's singing with me next?" I ask with a smile as I drum my hands on the table.

Xander and Anna exchange a look before looking back at me and Shawn. Xander with an excited look and Anna with a roll of her eyes. What is with her tonight? I glance down at the tray of shots.

"Hey...where'd all the shots go?" I look around concerned.

Xander speaks first, "I drank some and gave the rest away. Neither of us needs anymore..."

"Xander!! I paid for all of those! They were a lot," I say incredulously, the words coming out slower than I intended.

He shrugs. "You'll thank me for it later."

"Yeah, I'll thank you when you pay me back for each one you gave away," I grumble at him.

I feel a light touch on my shoulder and swing my head in the direction of it. This action caused me to get lightheaded for a brief moment. The source of the touch is Shawn, and my whole arm tingles.

"I still haven't gotten your name," he says with a shy smile.

My eyes widen and I laugh slightly. "Right! Sorry. I'm y/n. It is very nice to meet you," I say happily as I shake his tattooed hand. God, his hands are big.

Xander clears his throat and I let go of Shawn's hand. Not realizing that he was still holding onto mine as well.

Third P.O.V.

As she lets go of Shawn's hand, a slight blush creeps up her neck. She turns her attention back to Xander and Anna to begin discussing her next song. Shawn hardly hears anything they're saying because he's so focused on looking at her. She's so close he can see every single feature clearly now.

Even in the dimness of the bar lights, he can see that her eyes are an intense y/e/c. Her lips look soft despite the tiny cracks from dry weather. And when she smiles broadly as a laugh overtakes her body, he can see the dimples at the corners of her mouth. God, he wanted to kiss those dimples.

"Shawn?"

The sound of his name being called brings him back to reality. "Huh?" He asks shyly as he looks around at the staring faces. His eyes keep coming back to hers though.

Her nose crinkles again as she giggles with a closed smile. "We were asking what you thought I should do for my next song," she says.

"Oh. Uh..." He tries to think quickly as if he weren't just studying her as if she were some sample under a microscope.

She can tell that he wasn't paying attention. But, it doesn't bother her. She knows exactly what it's like to get so wrapped up in her own world that she doesn't know other people are around.

As she looks at him, her features light up with the ghost of an idea. "What if you did a duet with me?" Her smile slants as she chews on the inside of her lip.

"Me? No, I couldn't," he says nervously as he looks around. Her smile almost disappears and he quickly continues. "I-I mean I want to. It's just-I mean the people," he looks around again.

She contorts her face in a silly but confused way as she cocks her head at him. "Shawn, you just sang in front of a whole bunch of people. It's what you do," she finishes with a giggle at his awkwardness.

He loves the way she says his name like they're best friends. Like they didn't just meet in a bar after one of his concerts. It rolls off of her tongue as if she's been saying his name for her entire life.

He takes too long to respond as he thinks these things. So with a determined look on her face, she makes up his mind for him. "No one here is gonna know who you are. They're all old," she explains.

Before he can protest, she grabs his hand with her much tinier one and begins to drag him towards the stage. Despite him being a foot taller and probably a lot heavier than her, she's got some pull when she wants something. Not that Shawn was trying that hard to fight it. He was too focused on relishing in the fact that she was holding his hand.

She pushes him toward the stage as she goes over and whispers a song into the DJs ear. He grins as if it's a great song selection and begins setting it up. She bounds back over and up the small stairs to the stage, grabbing his hand along the way. Once onstage, she drags him to the middle and comes to a stop. She bounces in place with so much energy that it eases his nerves.

"So, what song did you pick?" Shawn asks as he looks down at her.

She immediately grins widely. "You're friends with Charlie Puth, right?" She bites her lip to contain her excited giggles.

"Um, yeah. But, I don't-" he begins but is cut off by the DJ getting the attention of the club.

He feels a slight pressure on his hand and he looks down. She never let go of his hand. Is she only being this touchy because she's been drinking? Is it only because he's him? Shawn said he likes the honesty that her tipsy state brings, but it also brings the question of what her regular personality is.

"If you forget the words, they're in front of us," she says encouragingly as she points to the screen.

She lets go of his hand to get the mics and he realizes how sweaty his hands are. He tries to discreetly wipe them on his pants as she approaches and hands him his mic. Before he can say anything else the song begins with his turn.

He stumbles at first. Partly because of nerves and partly because it took him a second to realize the song. But, he got into the groove of it. She danced adorably as he sang his verses, chiming in as the background singer. Seeing her so vibrant and having fun helped him relax.

It was when her turn started that things got interesting. She started dancing around him. Innocently, at first, as she made sassy gestures along with her lyrics. He sang backup for her and even bopped his body along to the beat. He couldn't help the smile that took over his face. Then she began running her hands over his chest and shoulders as she circled him. Every touch left a trail of tingling.

She reached the pre-chorus and he lost all focus. At the line "I won't fall to the ground on my knees" she proceeded to press her back against his chest and slide down his front to the floor. Then, she slid back up. It was quick in reality, but for Shawn, it felt like an eternity. He managed to sing his backup lines, his voice almost cracking when he repeated the word "knees."

He couldn't count how many times he gulped during the rest of that song. Before he knew it, the song was over and she was bowing over dramatically for the crowd. As she looks over, she realizes he's not bowing. She scoots over and grabs his hand so they can do a theater-style bow.

She moves to let go in order to return to the table, but he holds on. As she looks at him with wide eyes, he steps closer to her. In that moment he forgets that anyone else exists. He just wants to kiss her. As he switches his focus between her eyes and her lips, he steps closer again.

Shawn really should've remembered that there were people watching.

First P.O.V.

Still breathless from all the dancing and singing, we make our way back to the table and Anna decides to go sing another song. If I'm being honest, I'm also breathless from the way Shawn was looking at me. The way he was looking at my lips and inching closer.

I had let go of his hand when Xander started hollering about getting a room. As we sat at the high-chairs next to the table we didn't say much. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of him like I did at the beginning. Anna begins singing "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles.

"Xander! You let her pick this song?" I say as she begins singing sadly.

He looks at me shocked. "I'm not her mother, y/n. If she wants to sing a sad song, then let her," he states.

"She just depressing herself. I thought she was over this," I say as I roll my eyes.

Shawn speaks up as we continue to watch this sad display. "Uh, thought she was over what?"

"She fell in love with one of her friends," I begin as my eyes remain on Anna.

Xander chimes in to finish as my heart starts hurting for her. "The girl didn't like her back. Not that she didn't like girls. But, she specifically only saw her as a friend," he trails off as his eyes ghost over mine before turning to Anna.

Neither of us dares to say the name of the girl out loud. Not being able to bear watching it anymore, I excuse myself from the table. "I'm gonna go get water or a soda. You guys want anything?"

Xander shakes his head and I turn to Shawn. "Yeah, I'll come with you," he offers as he throws one last glance back at the stage.

Once at the bar and our orders are taken, he turns to me. "You were the girl weren't you?" He asks.

All I do is nod once, not elaborating on the story. "How'd you know?"

"Just this vibe I got from her. Like she wasn't exactly happy that I tagged along and sang with you. Or that I probably seem interested in you," he says as his voice grows quieter.

My eyes snap up to his. "You're interested in me?"

"Yeah. I mean, I can't get you out of my head since-" he cuts himself off but I finish his sentence.

"Since, you saw me on the beach this morning."

"How-"

"Instagram. Obviously." I chuckle and he visibly releases a breath he was holding. As if he was relieved that I'm not mad about him recording me.

"Sorry..." He says shyly.

I step closer to him, craning my neck to look into his eyes. "Don't be..."

He leans his head down as I rise up on my toes to lessen the distance. As if neither of us had any control over our bodies, the distance got smaller. His nose brushed against mine and both of our lips are hesitant. Before we can kiss, Shawn is yanked back by an unknown force.

"Hey!" Shawn and I both yell instinctually.

I come out of my haze and see the full picture. A hand had grasped Shawn by the collar of his jacket and pulled him back before shoving him hard into the wall.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell angrily.

The man stares at me with hatred in his eyes. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You pretend like you don't want attention coming to the bar dressed like that. But, then you get onstage and dance provocatively up against some kid?!"

It's the man from earlier who hit on me. At this point, I'm no longer scared. I'm pissed. "Listen, I don't even fucking know you. So, why don't you quit being a creep and go hit on someone who doesn't have standards?!" I spit the words out, repulsed.

"You're gonna pay for that-" he begins as he ascends on me. He grabs my arm and twists it towards him.

The grasp is ripped free when the man is shoved to the ground. I look up and see Shawn standing there, seething. "Don't you fucking touch her." His words are like ice and nothing I've ever heard on him before. Threatening.

The disgusting man doesn't give up so easily, though. He quickly stands to his feet and sucker punches Shawn. At this point, the whole bar has turned their attention towards us.

Anna stands frozen onstage, the song cut off by the DJ because of the commotion. Xander is attempting to get to the bar but people have gotten up from their seats to see better.

"Shawn!" I yell as I attempt to move toward him.

"I don't think so, little lady," the man grumbles as he advances toward me.

Years of self-defense classes kick in. As soon as he's within range, I wind up my foot and kick squarely in between his legs. He hunches over in pain, and as he's distracted I take the back of his head with my hands to slam his face into my knee. He looks at me, barely standing anymore.

Win all the next fights. Finish him off.

Without hesitating a second further, I pull back my fist with all my strength and bash his face once before he goes down. Still running on adrenaline, I race over and find Shawn.

"Shawn!" He looks at me and removes his hand from holding his face. "Oh, my god your lip!"

"It's fine. Are you-" he begins as his hand reaches for my arm, but is cut off by the sound of sirens outside.

Our heads whip around the room and see the DJ on the phone. Apparently, he thought it was gonna get nasty.

"You gotta go! If the press finds out-" I begin rambling in panic-mode as I look for a way out that's not the front.

"What about you? I'm not gonna leave you!" He says urgently.

"I'll meet you outside, but you gotta go now! I'll be right behind you," I command as I push him towards an employee entrance.

"But-"

"GO!"

He rushes through the door and the cops charge through the door. Everyone panics and begins running around drawing the attention of the cops, all running for their own reasons. I dart toward Xander at the table.

"We gotta go!" I say as I grab my purse.

"How the hell did you pummel that guy?" He asks incredulously.

"Now is not the time!" Without waiting to see if they were behind me, I run to the employee entrance and out the emergency exit. Once outside, I can see there are still a few cops standing in front of the door.

I discreetly begin walking toward Xander's car. As they see me they immediately call for my attention. "Hey! Miss! No one is allowed to leave!"

As they take a step toward me, fight or flight kicks in. I choose flight. I break off into a sprint away from the parking lot, not bothering to wait for Xander. As I'm running down the street in the direction of the hotel a car pulls up beside me with the window down.

"Y/n, get in!" It's Shawn. He must've seen me bolt. I quickly clamor into the car and he takes off speeding away from the venue.

As soon as we are a few blocks away, he slows to a regular speed. The adrenaline begins to slow down and I breathe heavily, muscles shaking. Shawn is breathing the same.

Despite myself, I begin giggling.

"Y/n?"

I continue giggling and it breaks into full-on laughter. The longer Shawn watches me, the more a smile breaks out on his face. Eventually, he's laughing hysterically with me.

The laughter dies down and the situation sets in. I'm still feeling the alcohol, and also the adrenaline. So, I unbuckle my seatbelt and begin crawling out the window.

"Y/n! Get back in the car! What the hell are you doing?"

I come to a sitting position in the window with my legs hanging inside the car, steadying myself with my arms on the roof. "I'm living, Shawn!" I yell happily.

As he drives down the empty streets, I let out several "WHOO-HOOS" at the top of my lungs.

"Do it with me, Shawn!" I urge him.

Eventually, he joins in and I can tell he's having fun. Our fun is interrupted when my stomach growls. I lower myself back into the car and look at the time. 1:15.

"Hey, Shawn?" I say as I look over at him.

"Yeah?" He glances at me as he bites his bottom lip to contain his grin.

"You hungry?" I smirk as I imitate his lame pick up line.

He glances at me again. His eyes different this time. "Absolutely."

Third P.O.V.

“Know any places that are open this late?” Shawn asks as he keeps his eyes on the road.

“Oh, my gosh. Yes,” she says giddily before giving him directions.

A few minutes later they pull up to a drive-thru on the outside of an old-style diner. The machine crackles and a voice comes through the box.

“Welcome to Benny’s Diner, home of our famous cheesy dogs. May I take your order?”

Before Shawn can lean out the window and respond, y/n has unbuckled her seatbelt again. She quickly climbs over him, hanging her top half out of the window and her bottom half in the air in front of Shawn.

He shifts in his seat trying to contain his arousal by this position. She looks back in the window and smirks at him. She knows exactly what she’s doing to him.

“Bennyyy!!! My man!! How’s the midnight rush?” She jokes as if she’s familiar with the server.

“Y/n? Is that you?” He asks with a chuckle.

“The one and only! And I brought a friend!” She continues chatting as her butt wiggles unconsciously.

Shawn has got to get her off of his lap because this view is killing him. He’s about to just have at her in the drive-thru.

She finally makes an order. A rather large one, Shawn thinks, for someone of her size. But, he remembers she also ordered for him as well. They pull up to the front window and he shifts in his seat to reach his wallet.

“No, no, no! This is on me!” She says before crawling across him again. This time quicker than the last. Finally, the food is ready and they park in the lot to eat the food.

He begins to open the bags, but she quickly exits the car. She takes her food and shake with her. “Y/n, where are you going?”

“Just c’mon,” she says as she pokes her head back in the window before disappearing just as fast.

It’s 1:30 at night. They’ve already evaded cops tonight, drove down the streets screaming as she hung out the window, and yet he would still follow her further.

He gets out and follows her to the rear of the car where she climbs up and sits on the top of the vehicle. Chuckling, he imitates her actions. He already knows better than to question her motives.

They sit in silence as he watches her basically inhale 3 large orders of cheesy bacon fries, 2 small mozzarella stick orders, and half of her shake. He must be staring because she stops mid-sip and looks at him.

“Oh, my god. I’m being disgusting aren’t I?” She shakes her head as she covers her mouth with her hand.

He reaches over and tucks some hair behind her ear. His fingertips brush her cartilage piercing and she heats up at the touch. His touch did things to her. Dangerous things.

“You’re not,” he says reassuringly with a content smile. “I’m just trying to figure out where you put it all.”

She giggles. “I’m like the Flash,” she says as she takes another sip, “I burn calories so fast that I have to eat all the time.” She wiggles her eyebrows.

He laughs at this. God, she was funny. She takes her phone out as he continues eating. “Oh, shit.”

“What’s wrong?” He looks up from his burger.

She sighs as she sets her phone back down. “My phone is dead so I can’t call Xander to let him know we’re okay. We kind of bailed on him.” She holds back a laugh because she knows it’s inappropriate.

“You can use mine,” he hands it over without hesitation.

She takes it shyly and opens up the dialing part. Her thumbs hover over the numbers. “Fuck. I have no idea what his number is,” she laughs.

“How do you not know your best friend’s number?” He questions with a chuckle.

She shrugs as she hands his phone back. “It’s automatically saved. Speed dial, ya know? The only numbers I have memorized are mine, my mom’s and-“ She cuts herself off, looking down at her criss-crossed lap.

“And?” He asks but immediately regrets it.

She sips her milkshake again and realizes that it’s empty. “And nobody. Just my moms and mine.” Just like that, her outgoing and giggly demeanor was gone. Locked away behind something that hurt her.

“So...” he tries to find something to say to lighten the mood, but he’s at a loss for words.

“What time is it?” She asks abruptly.

He checks his watch. “1:45, why?”

She takes a sharp inhale of breath. “It’s late, I should really get home.”

She gathers up her trash and walks over to throw it in the dumpster. Her movements slower than they were when they were on their wild adventure. When she returns she immediately gets in the car and waits for Shawn to drive her home.

He’s mentally kicking himself, wondering what flipped so quickly. And how he could get her to come back out of her shell. He didn’t want her to retreat. He wanted to know everything about her. But, she didn’t want him to know anything.

It’s not long before they are back at the hotel. She hesitated at the elevator, debating whether to go back to her room or his. She steps in just before the door closes.

“Can I use your phone when we get in?” She asks quietly.

“Of course.”

Once inside his room, she takes the phone to the bathroom. He looks at the bedside table. The clock says 2. He begins to hear her voice muffled on the other side of the door. He doesn’t want to eavesdrop so he begins to change out of the sweaty and slightly bloody clothes.

After about ten minutes, she exits the bathroom. Her expression a little brighter than before. “Thanks for letting-“ she stops when she looks up and sees him standing there shirtless.

“Oh! Sorry, I was just,” he fumbles around for something to put on. “I was just changing, I didn’t know-“

She silently walks over to the bedside table and sets the phone down. Then, she turns to Shawn and her eyes roam the bareness of his chest. She makes her way closer to him.

He doesn’t know what’s happening so he stands still. Almost as if he were trying not to startle a deer. Once she reaches him, her hand extends out to cup his jaw. Her thumb brushes over the cut on his lip from the punch. It’s scabbed now.

“Oh, no,” she says quietly. Almost to herself as she continues to scrutinize the cut.

“Y/n, I’m alright,” he tries to assure her. But, his physical health his not what she’s worried about.

His arm reaches out and brushes over her arm where the man grabbed her. She almost winces, the outline of a bruise forming. “You’re hurt,” he observes.

“I’m not the one who has a meet and greet in two days where tons of pictures will be taken...” Her thumb strokes his lip absentmindedly. Her gaze betrays her and Shawn knows that she blames herself somehow.

He moves his hand to brush her cheek, his fingers finding resting places behind her ear and into her hair. His large thumb strokes her cheekbone lightly. “Why is the press your only concern? Even when we were in the bar, your first thought was to protect me from getting caught in bad publicity...”

Her eyes finally leave his lip and she looks into his honey eyes. Her expression softens. “Because that’s your life, Shawn. Your life is about your image and I didn’t want to be the one to screw it up...”

“Hey,” he says as his eyebrows furrow. “You do not have to put the weight of my career on your shoulders. We just met-“

“We just met and I’m already almost getting you arrested,” she cuts him off, but there is only shame in her voice. “I admire you. I admire you and the way you treat people with kindness. Your newest song? It’s gonna reach people in ways that music should. You have important messages to share and what kind of fan would I be if I ruined your image?”

She’s so good. Wise beyond her small age of 21. She sees the big pictures and the tiniest details that go into them. She was hurt, and he could tell she had a past and secrets that she didn’t want to share. But, she was kind. And she was radiant. Most importantly, she saw him. She sees through the celebrity part of it all to understand him, and what he’s really about.

His entire body moves of its own accord as the hand in her hair pulls her forward. The other hand snaking behind her to the small of her back. He leans down and gently, but fiercely attaches his lips to hers. She sighs into his lips and one of her hands grips the hair at the base of his head. Her other one reaching up to cup his hand around her ear.

It’s passionate. Neither had even used their tongue yet. Just movement and synchronicity in their kisses. Shawn is surprised by how much restraint he’s showing. That is until she instinctually nibbles his bottom lip. Hell breaks loose inside of him as he grips her thighs raises her up. She assists with a jump and wraps her legs around his waist.

He walks slowly towards the bed, wanting to give her time to back out. But, she didn’t. His knees reach the bed and he lays her down gently, but quickly as he hovers over her. His pendant dangles just over the space between her collarbones before he reconnects their lips.

Both of them are kind of in a trance with how much every touch tingles. Shawn knew deep in his bones that this was meant to be. But, a question lurked in the back of his mind the whole time. Did she feel the same?

[bucky-ish]

Handwritten :

Favs : a little too much, never be alone, memories and running low (also show you is my guilty pleasure), also the weight, oh and bring it back, this is what it takes (like the whole thing basically)

Skips : ikwydls (do we even acknowledge it ???) and stitches cuz I heard too much of it, idekyn also

Illuminate:

Favs : roses, like this, bad reputation (ofc), no promises

Skips : is there any really ?????

Sm3:

Favs : fallin all in you, like to be you (cuz Julia), mutual particular taste and queen are bops

Skips: senorita (but does it really count??? It’s like in the deluxe version), I also skip youth

Share the science sis

what are your faves and skips from handwritten, illuminate and sm3!!!!

it’s for science

[mxndxsimaginxs]

Illuminate Tour Vienna    

4th May

One of the best days in my life:

I was with two amazing friends

We drove to the concert in Vienna

We had VIP Gold

I met Shawn

He hugged me

and we talked

He answered the question of my friend during the Q&A

He was so kind

All fans were so nice

The show was beautiful

He was incredible

Shawn made eye contact with me during IDEKYN (of course you can't be 100% sure about that)

and smiled at me

He was happy 

I was happy

I´ll never forget that day

These are all my own pictures so please give credit when you want to post them :)

[shawnsmusical]

Oh yes Handwritten, the album that was written in 5 months primarily by other writers. NBA is about Lauren, like he said. Crazy? made up. IDEKYN? made up (originally said it wasn’t about a fan, then changed his mind) ALTM, about him. Something big & stitches, he forgets they exists constantly. Aftertaste? Air? Strings?? Where exactly are the songs written about her? They’re so dumb

*He’s so dumb

[kkruml]

My first born fic! Thanks for reminding me this is out there, I seem to need inspiration for the last chapter of STAY, let's hope a reread of IDEKYN helps!😂

Weekly Fic Picks: Librarian Waffs

So, I’m back with that thing of things that I’ve been reading lately. Oddly enough I have been trying to read a list of novels that I have accumulated throughout the past year so I haven’t been reading as much fanfic. That being  said, I’ve been trying to get *back* into reading some fanfic so that I can find my voice again to write my holiday exchange prompt.

The Fiery Cross by Diana Gabaldon 

This is most definitely NOT fanficition but I am still including it this week. It has been a while since I have done a re-read of the series and it’s honestly been a bit longer since I have re-read this particular novel. It’s not my favorite novel or in my top choices, BUT it’s still got some really good stuff in it. (I am including it because I am trying to line some facts up for something that I have been working on!) 

I don’t even know you’re name by @kkruml

I basically convinced her to write this. I’m honestly SO glad that she did. I am STILL waiting for that 23k epilogue she promised @missclairebelle and me. Anyways, this was one of those fics I loved while reading it, I loved reading it the second time, and I was SoOoOO excited to find again. I have it bookmarked on my computer and one day while trying to find  a link for a  Library ask I opened it. Needless to say I forgot to answer the ask and binged this fic. We’ve gained a lot of new followers in the past few months so to those who haven’t read this fic, I suggest you do. It’s magic on paper.Or rather,  magic on your screen but you know what I mean.

All I want for Christmas is You by @abreathofsnowandwaffles

Shameless self promo here. I started this story last year on a whim and left you all hanging. Then I signed up for the Holiday Prompt Exchange.  Signing up for  that reminded me I never finished this. I reread this in the past two weeks because I wanted to remind myself of the trajectory of this story and help  reignite the flame. So, stay tuned because a new chapter of this should be up by the end of the week!

And that’s it folks, see you all next time!

[shawnrmendes]

least favorite of handwritten: lmao Kid in Love #cheesy or like IDEKYN because like #cheesy but he redeemed IDEKYN with the live version and then on illuminat: probably Patience bc like idk #hookups aren’t really my sweet boy jive idk or Understand bc it’s #cheesy but like at the same time it’s the one that’s like most telling what’s on his heart so like maybe not understand idk i rlly love illuminat so like idk man this was difficult

Hahaha omg Kid in love gives me a Michael Jackson vibe always! Prob my least fav is a little too much oopsi How dare you to say Patience omg I believe Patience, Honest and lights on are the holy trinity hahaha, and I don't like understand at all like plsssss stop I don't even get the point of his speech he is always rambling SEND ME YOUR LEAST FAV OF HANDWRITTEN AND ILLUMINATE

[pearsonstickseason]

AM I CRAZY OR IS THERE A VIDEO OF SHAWN RUNNING AROUND WHILE SINGING IDEKYN ID IM NOT CRAZY PLEASE SHARE THE VIDEO WITH ME