#IM CONSCIOUSLY MAKING MYSELF FEEL INSECURE AND INFERIOR

[cantsaythetword]

My gf is sitting 2 people away from me at a 20 person dinner party

I've never felt more like a lost introvert at a party than right now 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️

[talkingtomyselfblog]

mourning journal 3

Agh! My apple AirPods ran out of charge! A new challenge I will need to be mindful of I guess. Here we go with another stream of consciousness. i watched the new cartia mallan vlog this morning and i am just so obsessed with HER-- like her aura, her style, her humor, her love for adventure, she has such amazing vibes. keep typing sheila keep typing you just arent getting into this like you thought you would you just need to keep typing. im going to yoga today! which will be fun. im wearing heals today that might be uncomfortable we’ll see. ive been thinking lately about love, in like a lonely way lol. idk. i want to feel it. im at home and dont feel love like i think others feel it. i dont feel comfortable at home. at least, not fully. and idk. i want a companion. but like, i havent felt anything close to that in a while. sometimes i think about my ny guy but i convince myself he never thinks about me. i guess this is all my doing though. lets rewrite that. i bet my ny guy thinks about me. hes probably sad the moments gone like i am. and i do feel love at home. its unique and im lucky enough to experience it. i am grateful. i am grateful for the trees which give us so mcuh. im thankful for the opportunity i have to work in san francisco. I am grateful for my parents who love me so much they dont know how to handle it. i am grateful for my brother who tries his best. i am grateful for my introspection. i am grateful for the bart, which is saving me all the gas money. im thanksful for the friends i do have. im grateful for all the love i recieve. im thankful for nature for giving me so much love and comfort and beauty. so ive been thinking about looking more into wicca. idk it just kind of feels right to me.... like a religion worshipping nature feels safe to me. and it embodies all ive been thinking about lately, with my facination with tarot cards and crystals and yoga...idk it came to me and it makes sense. i appreciate this time ive been given to be alone because it has forced me to look at what i love and what facinates me. i can say i have a hobby and passions which was missing . before. so i hope to really go al in and doing the necessary research to feel comfortable with it all. i want to really know astrology and i want to be able to confidently give a tarot card reading and i want to know when to use what crystal and talk about them to other people with ease. i hope really diving into the things i love will help me meet someone who i vibe with. because i do love myself dont get me wrong...but i wanna experience life with someone else. not just anyone. but having company sounds nice. ugh i was about to stop tyoing but realized im not even car sick thank god so i should keep going! work has been good. stressful but good. i hope i make friends soon. but i also dont want to rush it. idk. i guess i am really fucking lonely man. i still think about the friends ive left behind and am really fucking proud of my strength because why interact with people that probably arent thinking the same thing abut you and probably dont think about you nearly as often as you think about them (hence the reason you broke up with them in the first place) im so sick of the toxicity i jsut want to meet someone where its so easy to get along and we just mesh and understand each other and i dont care who it is i dont need a romantic partner i just need a partner and if its romantic or sexual then thats a bonus but i dont want to be closed off to any ideas. i also think about how no one in the family who is under 32 is talking to me. makes me feel like im, diffoicult to get along with, or i really get under peoples skin. and it really hurts when its familty. becaue they are suposed to love you for who you are, unconditionally. but not even the americans are cabable of doing that. its really sad and i dont htink theres much i can do about it cause its their problem. im great. and if you dont want me. thats your loss. its your loss. im fantastic. im funny, im clever, im introspectiive and philolo[hical so can hold a great conversation. im pretty, im fun, im always down to try  new things. i am cabable of loving so har.d im a catch. i know why peoiple have an . issue and its just because we edont work out rightn now in our lives. things will work out when they work out and i just need to be patient and take things as they come. stop dwelling in the past stop thinking about the future just focus on the now. how do i feel right now? im a bit tired but ready for the day. im so grateful for this seat i was able to find on bart. im grateful for this opportnity to write my thoughts down. and im so happy i stuck with it because this felt good :) omg someones storing behind me LOL. things i want to manifest this year are moving out and going to columbia to visit yvonne. thats all i would liek to manifest. and i missed the eclipse and im so sad about that. i want to meet more people into this stuff to maybe help me remenber important dates like that. nbuut i alwso want to be able oto remember on my own. i just need to keep reading sheila. you need to jeep reading because you are more than capable of becoming comfrotabel with this knowledge on your own. i know youve alwasy taken the easy way and not help as much responsibility when it comes to learning probably due sto insecurity and your inferiority complex given to you through emotional abuse in your household. but you can do it. especially now. because you are so grwon and have really learned from so much that has happened. im so freaking proud of you. IM SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU SHEILA!1!! you have gone through so much and i know it. i see it. i see you, and i love you.