#IVE NEVER BEEN THIS PRODUCTIVE HELP
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i just finished writing a nagi fic in one sitting
#aurora musing . . . 💭#IVE NEVER BEEN THIS PRODUCTIVE HELP#idk if i’m gonna post it tho… the writing doesn’t feel like me#if you compare this to my other works you’d probably assume it was written by two different people#i also haven’t read the bllk manga so it’s probably ooc.#i’ll return to it in a couple days and see how i feel with it#in the meantime. i need to finish my dazai pm works !!
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hii ! i have a question, how much does it take you to finish a drawing ?? i really really love how you render😭, and personally i struggle with it cause i always have problems with the whole trust the process mindset and rush everything .. do you have any tips? T-T
hiiii!!! it depends ;__; usually like a full background piece is at least 15-20 hours of work (although I've been trying to get faster WAA)
normal full body art is usually like 7-10 hours? funnily enough the half body/profile ones take longer bc i get hung up on details 😭
the trust the process part is the HARDEST part of art for me so i totally get it :( so many of my sketches just stay sketches because i cant get myself to keep working on them so i highly recommend just following through with it!! i really would recommend doing small little pieces (even like keeping a sketchbook, i do that and its helpful for just drawing whatever with no pressure of people seeing it) youre happy with to get more confident in drawing larger and more time consuming stuff, and to really not think about how you want the end product to look like but just follow whatever choices you make in the moment. it helps me a lot with feeling more satisfied with my work :D
trying different brushes, different colors and blending modes if you do digital art can be really refreshing too to get out of the process mindset (just experiment !!! it can help you get more ideas in a natural way)
#i struggle. constantly with liking what i make#and i feel like people tell me they really like my stuff (which means a lot !!!!) but im never happy with the end product#so ive been trying to practice drawing just to draw and not care about what the composition or comparing the final product to what i +#imagined at the start (although im still. working on this)#but thank you for asking !! i hope this was even a little helpful :D#ask koko
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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me, working on the same essay section for nearly three weeks straight: why is this so hard!! i want to write this but i have no motivation :( unlike when i started this section :( what ever could have happened
me, starting the next section and writing the connective tissue in between, therefore moving on to a New Subject™️: writes 4 pages in a day
me: has Needs Novelty Or I'll Die Disorder
me: ah,
#man.#levi.txt#good to feel like im actually getting work done at least!! ive been so stuck on that middle section#normally when i write an essay ESP a big one i make a bullet point layout and then bounce around to whatever im motivated to work on#that way i never get truly bored and if i get stuck i can still feel productive on it#unfortunately i was forced to set up deadlines for each section on this which is so not ideal for me#i have to do one section at a time in order so my prof can help me edit and its killing me
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part of the reason i shaved my head is so i could heal my scalp (see: compulsive excoriation) and its NOT FUCKING WORKING. this bitch is more excoriated than ever :(
#so ive got this patch on my scalp yeah? and ive had it for fucking Years#its a bigass swath of damaged af skin thats p much solid scar tissue and scab#and last time i had a buzzcut i Think it healed#thus the re-shaving#i been putting Products on it too to try and help but NO!!!#like itll heal for a couple days but then i just cant take it/i have a bad day#and i tear up all the progress (literally)#its just too fucking DEEP to heal overnight and then it SCABS and then!!!! and then!!!!#aaaaaaaaa#like the excoration of my face is whatever#same with my body (generally)#it never gets that bad#i move on from a spot pretty quick#so i dont end up doing any real long-term damage#but i cant seem to get over this one spot on my fucking scalp#anyways im gonna try eczema lotion tonight so we shall see if that helps#send help i cannot control my fucking hands#ask to tag#excoriation#OCD#dermatillomania#whatever the fuck
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ok hi!! uh i have several things i wanna say first so 1, im doing this bc i already filled out a google form and 2 i applied for a role BUT i figure id offer if u need any help with anything pertaining to auditions, running bmcblr or anything then lmk!!! im citing my time running tumblr polls as experience but im good at google forms and communicating w people so if ur interested just lmk! either way very excited to see how this turns out :D
hey thank you so much for offering!! but id prefer if people who want to audition didnt have a hand in casting just for the sake of fairness and all
if you land one of the major roles chances are youre just gonna be doing that plus some very very minor helping out cause major characters have a lot of stuff already (again depends on if we have enough people/how much you have to do)
if you end up doing ensemble/something minor then absolutely you can help! again this is still on the back burner and i am in no way organized enough to start this yet, but i might have some sort of application in the future when i ask for help with like directing/producing/running the whole thing or whatever, so watch out for that!
#bmcblr remake#cause first of all we need to be sure one person can handle so much work#and we want to spread it all out evenly right#if youre a major character then you might help with like a little editing or music or something#nothing too heavy thats for the people who mainly signed up for that specific role#ive never even been in a production before let alone run one 😭😭#bmc#be more chill#bmc musical#be more chill musical#jellos answers
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#wdip#i cant really tell when im spiralling until someone points it out#and i can tell that im spiralling so its not good.#i want to do some art or something to help myself feel better but if i do art then im not being productive aka applying to jobs#it is physically painful to reach out for jobs at this point#i feel like im never going to be happy#feels like theres no point#and then if i complain about this i feel bad because ive been so fortunate to have enough saved that im able to be out of work for so long#and then its like well you knew this would happen and you KNEW it would take rock bottom to get you to take this seriously and you kinda#hoped youd get there faster if you quit your job and had to deal with it#im not trying to be dramatic but i truly dont see any paths forward that lead to me feeling fulfilled which has been a major source of#the hashtag ol depression#and my sleep schedule has been absolute garbage recently since i dont have a schedule anymore#ive been up since 4pm yesterday#and the work its gonna take me to get out of this feels insurmountable#especially by myself#im so tired of feeling like this#im just feeling so alone#i feel hollow#i know i need to move around more i know it#but i look in the mirror and barely recognize myself#my body doesnt feel like my body#the physical limitations of not being able to move ways that i know im flexible enough for because theres a physical barrier of fat#and my inner fatphobia has been having a field day#its been really difficult to acknowledge the fact that im fat now and i will likely just be fat for the rest of my life#it's immensely unbelievably incomprehensibly difficult to do the hard work toward feeling better when you look in the mirror and see nothin#even more difficult when you look in the mirror and see a twisted version of who you used to be and wonder if she's in there somewhere#and im tired of the canned advice on how to get out of ruts i KNOW THE THINGS I HAVE TO DO! I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT! but doing#something means i have to acknowledge how deeply DEEPLY DEEPLY INTRINSICALLY broken i am and its easier to shove it down than deal with it#anyway how about that jeff goldblum
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God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!
#haeroniel talks#forget the tag oh well#but for real. had 4 days off work and a ton of real life stuff i both have to get done and have been meaning to get done for a long time#ive pretty much only played video games and called my friends. genuinely not time wasted and i love when i get to do that#and like rn i would love to play more games and spend time with my friends like if one offers you know i never say no#but its also already getting dark and i have to go back to work tomorrow and ive not done everything i promised to have done yknow?#time doesnt feel real and i dont wanna get up even if the anxiety slowly builds to hopefully productive panic#but in the mean time im like ugghh i wanna stop laying around just playing sudoku and watching lame youtube. i wanna play something#(unclear what it is i actually wanna play too many options i kinda wanna play all of them and none huehheh)#im also very sad i havent drawn in ages and any attempt just feels shit. like maybe if i read enough fanfic thatll respark the love.#id love to post something before christmas to get me excited to draw again over the break but who the hell knows if i'll manage#and yeah still have the annoying job related/driving school related/therapy applying/other life admin that really really should be done#im just being grouchy and stuck and need to vent hi tumblr love you all kiss kiss i wish i could function better#i think maybe perhaps. ill concede that driving school and therapy arent priority (important but ive wasted ages on them already)#i think i can do work related things bc theyre sort of fun. i can use my parents help to whack through the life admin and then#maybe i can let myself spend the rest of the evening guilt free either calling my friends and/or playing or if im going totally w drawin
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We did it boys we got our first game crash in oni 🎉
#rat rambles#oni posting#it's not even that far past cycle 300 yet my laptop just sucks ass#Ive made it further with more colonies and dupes before without a crash so I was a bit surprised at first#but also this is my first time coring out my starting planet so thats probably why#Im going to try to stick with this save as long as I can handle it but Im definitely not going to be able to make more colonies#or at least not any like active and populated ones#my current plan is to use my current dinky rocket to help me make a shit load of databanks and then research straight to the radbold engine#I've never rly worked with radbolts outside of research stuff so I thought it'd be a good experience to have#plus I usually use petroleum and well quite frankly I dont think I can do that rn#well I mean. I Could. but Id rly rather not until I can get my rocketry program set up properly#mainly because I rly don't wanna rely on the teleporters for my renovations of my teleport planet as I want at least a digger and a#scientist going over there and prefferably an extra dupe or two as well#theyd be there in atmo suits to activate the material transporters and dig into the oil biome and set up pipes and shit for the oil wells#and then Im going to transport the oil back to my home planet using the transporters and refine them there#then I can Finally get a gas range going and hopefully set up some extra generators#Im not sure if I want to use either full time yet but depending on how many oil wells there are Ill consider it#once I get all that set up then Ill probably start working towards setting up more farms so I can upgrade my food quality some more#and then grab jorge 👍#after that idk if Im super interested in doing too much more#I might do the rest of the story traits for funsies but other than that Im not sure if I can manage this world for long enough to get to#the real late game shit considering it's already chugging like hell rn#Ill probably have to deconstruct a bunch of latters and shit pretty soon to try to manage the lag better#and also sweep everything outside up even if itll take forever#Im at a good point where everything is rly stable eccept for my power gen#my power gen is currently perfectly acceptable and it will keep being good for a good while but its definitely not a permanent set up#I just dont have enough hatches and pips for my coal production to keep up and my pip ranch us become increasingly more and more of a issue#mainly because of how cold my base is and how annoying its been keeping the trees alive#another future issue I have to worry abt is my water tank overflowing#but thats a much easier problem to fix I just need to build a bigger tank
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reading numerous reddit posts about abusive older siblings and parents not wanting their adult children to be independent has not made me feel better about moving out
#i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stuck i feel stu#i guess my mom just wants me to stay home until i die evn tho its obviously fucking worse for me than anything#the only times ive ever improved in life has been when i was a w a y from h o m e#i dont fucking get it#your supposed to raise children so theyre independent and can survive on there own#biolagically your oldest child is a failure and has no motivation to survive on his own#but tou want to stunt the independent child? for what? bc you feel guilty is that it? bc anyhting else doesnt compute honestly#i guess i was just never supposed to leave huh?#never even thought about making a college fund. even $10 a check wouldve helped out honestly#even when i wanted to go to university 'why dont you just go to community so you can be at home' I DONT WANT TO BE AT HOME HOME SUCKS WHY TF#WOULD I WANT TO BE HERE YOU KNOW IT SUCKS I KNOW IT SUCKS WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO STAY IN IT#i dont get it#misery loves company i suppose...#nothing about this is productive#i understand that it hard to look at things objectively and state whats wrong but to ignore it is to be part of the problem#and to subject others to the same misery is unforgivable
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currently at a very Low low in my mental health and it is really not helped by being Back in the hotseat of constantly trying to talk someone elese down from suicide 24/7 like im back in middleschool yippee
#vent#hes one of my best friends and i feel for him really#but theres only so much i can do for him and theres only so much i can take#especially when im going through my own crisis with zero help#i cant turn him away but its Actively making my own mental state worse#ive been stuck in a dissociative episode for days#and every time i think im getting better he drops back into my dms and it starts all over again#really not how i was hoping to start the new year#on top of that i also have to help my dad with a bunch of shit that im not getting compensated for at all!!#and i HATE to get capitalistic especially about helping my family but like#i NEED money. and helping him is taking time to do something else when i could be doing something more financially productive??#even like. a gift card. something would be nice#ive helped my dad with more than anyone else fucking combined and have nothing to show for it#i think im just giving up on school for now#because i cant work a job and attend college full time right now#but my mental health is so bad right now that the idea of doing fucking anything is actually tipping me over into Active Risk territory#and my therapist never fucking got back to me after the holidays!!!!#im spiraling. like really bad#cw suicide mention#cw suicide
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs#unrelated
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fall out boy is for real eating my BRAIN
#i think i need to find someone to talk about them with for real 😭#i promised myself i would not text my sister incessantly she does not CARE#the worst part about when i get obsessed with things is that it never feels... productive. like please form an original thought or think#critically or SOMETHINNGGG. maybe soon though. who knows!!#either way this is wild i mean ive been a casual fob fan for forever but this tour is doing something to my brain send HELP#personal
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OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM. very happy. my speech i had to give that i crammed on bcs i was really anxious about even just thinking it and i had to deliver it memorized and in front of the whole class for the first time in years? i only got. minus 1.25
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#i was really anxious uhh even like. now. a whole month after? egeshbgjh like damn what if i get a bunch of mistakes#but nah apparently i did really well !! proud of myself oh my god#i'm much better at speaking than i probably seem often irl. i'm just shy and anxious and need a proper environment#me at home i can talk with an incredibly loud voice for hours. unfortunately lune knows this very well LMFAO#my dad also has a loud voice but sometimes i even speak louder than him. so. yeah. really loud voice#i'm good at speaking aaa idk i keep putting myself down sometimes even if i am confident and i know what i can do!#anyways i also think i am more. less confused on course choices :] i want bs psych fr aaa i want to help people a lot in that regard#i'm going to look up more on it tho! compsci i'm good actually as a 2nd choice. i'm more feeling > thinking but i am a huge thinker lol#hashtag i love math LMFAO i just haven't been putting in as much effort but i do believe in myself! so. yeah#miss ty for the comments LOL i agree a lot. too much unnecessary movements. i always speak like that eee oops#i have my next speech uhh... next tues actually! also really anxious and stressed but less so. i'll just need to work on it asap and prepar#.75 minus for delivery makes sense! uhh .5 minus on content. i think i get it but i'll just keep it in mind as i make my next script#tbh i get so anxious too reciting during class but i have a lot to say usually and the teacher often says exactly the same idea or aka#i'm correct. so. raghhhhh i will recite more !!! almost end of the sy but it's never too late to improve. even if i recite wrong its still#added to my grades. so yeah. anyway uhh !! idk i love speaking a lot actually lol i'll try my best to be diligent productive etc#raghh i will do my best ... i am very smart ive just been slacking a bit since the pandemic bcs constant state of Tired. + anxiety#okay i don't really get the minus on content uhh is it bcs i didn't really have sources LMFAO it was a personal speech anyway but#im good at writing and good at speaking i will just do my best and uh. goodbye. not cramming#I ALSO EXERCISED TODAY. like. yeah. i should exercise a lot daily. also i did finger exercises hashtag guitarist era <3#my fingers and hands are already very flexible lol i'm double-jointed and always played w my hands even now! but i forgor warmups existed#the amount of mistakes i got for my speech really make sense lol i should really prepare more in advance! procrastination is my enemy
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I am sooo susceptible to hair care skin care routine tik toks youtube shorts whatever its a flaw of mine. Pretty asian guy tells me to buy this 40 dollar essence sir i will consider it 🥴
#i bought a cheeper toner instead I've been wanting one. idk what it does#i finally bought a retinol i figured since the acne is caused from taking t that I would phase out on its#own. its not its been a few months ive been using a clenser w whatver sac acid its called def has helped but#its still a lot. i need to eat better. i will not give up dairy though xoxo#its never been an issue in the past like its literally just because of being on t. so like idk if that means#certain products wont help or what lol. idk all the jargon
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