#It took a couple of days for Jay to feel comfortable with a guitar again 😕

[duusheen]

Nothing like the fresh country air and his hat 🎶

anon, you're a genious.

[chenfordupstead]

2- getting settled/finding her again.

General POV

After meeting her three days ago,Jay had a hard time focusing on why he really moved to Texas. He put an alarm for five in the morning so he could get up and out early for his move as a detective in Texas. He had no idea what it would be like except for the fact that they like guns here, way more than they did in Chicago. Hopefully it would be smooth sailing. Groggily hitting his alarm he sat up in bed, after a while heading to the kitchen in the small apartment to make some coffee. After getting some caffeine he took an Uber to see if he could buy a car, getting out of the Uber, he thanked him and started looking at some cars.After looking for a while he met a dealer and got a great deal for a Truck that was basically new. He signed the papers which took a while, but he was happy he got a good car, mind that a truck which he would only drive in Chicago, nothing else. He got to the new district in Dallas. Turning the ignition off he slowly hopped out of his truck and took in the new look, the new people, and the new air which quickly got humid again. “So this will be fun.” He hummed to himself walking up the precinct steps. It looked so different from the 21st.He walked into the doors and was immediately greeted by a desk sergeant, “Hi can I help you.” She said. “Uh..yes I just got transferred yesterday from the 21st in Chicago.”“Oh, you must be Jay Halstead.” She said looking at him. “Yes that I am.” I said, mad that I used that choice of words. She chuckled dryly and said I could go to my new desk. Like what I was used to the bullpen was up two flights of stairs but this bullpen was on the left side instead of the right. I walked slowly opening the door. Faces looked up from their desks as I walked in. Friendly smiles mostly. They probably all knew who I was. “Alright, so we will keep this introduction short and sweet.” A tall women said. “Meet your new seargent Jay Halstead.” “Umm...did you just say Seargent.” I said slowly standing up. “Yes, you are from Chicago right. Jay nodded . “Hank Voight told us that you were promoted after he retired.” Jay did not know this. Jay watched her walk out as he turned to the detectives left in the room. “Umm..okay how do I start..umm let’s see, Hi everybody it’s nice to meet new detectives, I do not have a speech prepared because I had no idea I was your seargent until now.” Everyone chuckled at his remark. As he relaxed a little and started meeting everyone. After a few hours of getting settled and meeting everyone he asked one of the detectives who had one of the desks up front. “Alright Detective Martin, where are we at with this Kidnapping case.” He said as she looked up. “Umm right.” She stood up from her desk walking to the bulletin board up front. “Kyle ridgewater.” Last seen Monday, he is a five year old boy, and his father has many priors for abuse to the mother and him.” She finished saying. “Alright, I want someone on phone records of who the dad might have contacted, and I need someone to find where this mother lives.” “The people who do not have anything I want you guys to go through the dads social media, find hidden emails...” he trailed off.After making sure they knew what they were doing, he sat at his desk for a while. “Does anybody know where your last seargent’s office was.” He said as he looked around seeing if anybody knew. “Yeah he was in that back room.” Martin said. Pointing her finger towards the back. “Thanks.” He said as he started to walk towards the room. It was definitely smaller than Voights office, and he could already tell that this District ran a whole lot different than Voight ran his unit. After placing his PC on the desk he finished setting everything else up.“Sarge.” Detective Adams said. “We got a lead on the dad.” He said as Jay got up from his desk. “Alright , what do we have.” Jay asked crossing his arms. “The dad was seen at a local grocery store with a stolen car. As seen here.” He said as he played a video watching the dad get out of the car and shutting it.”

“We ran the plates, and it belongs to a Rosa Samson.” Another detective added. “Do we know who this Rosa Samson is.” Jay asked him. “Yeah, she works at a gas station, she has no priors, our guess is that she is a random person that he decided to take a car from.” “Alright let’s hit it.” Jay said. He was thinking he was slowly becoming Voight, even if it was just for a day. Voight always said that when they would find a stash house or anything like that. Hailey Uptons POVSitting in my dressing room, I slowly strummed my guitar, as I thought of a tune. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. “Yes.” I said “you are live in five Hailey.” The voice said. It was Amanda her Manager. “Alright I’ll be out in a few.” I said back not wanting to interrupt my flow of tunes that were just pouring out of my head. “Don’t disappear like last time.” Amanda said.

General POV

Hailey looked down at the floor, and just nodded her head to herself getting back to her thoughts. Hailey only dissapeared last time she had to do a concert was because right before the concert her dad had a heart attack that night. She couldn’t bare to go on stage and pretend everything was fine, when it clearly was not in her head. She felt bad that she had let down her fans, but she did not want to have another panic attack on stage in front of thousands of people. Setting her guitar down she quickly finished up her makeup. She looked in the mirror one last time before picking her guitar back up and strapping it over her shoulder, and walked out of the dressing room. After the concert her phone buzzed. Hailey it’s your father.” “I know you don’t want to see him, but he wants to see you.The text read it was from her mom. She scoffed at this and just stared at her phone for a while. I will try my best to get over there as soon as I can.She replied slamming her phone on the makeup table. The truth is Hailey did not want to go see her father, he didn’t deserve it. All of her memories from the age five up until now, he never put good memories in her head. She didn’t know what caused the drinking but he started doing it more and more as she grew up. She could barely defend herself, she was glad her two brothers survived. Of course her father stopped drinking eventually but what really stuck out was that her mom stayed with him the entire time, even though he abused her too, and Hailey was mad at her mom for this. Hailey tried to sleep that night but couldn’t, and she was just tossing and turning until she decided to strum her guitar for some comfort. Her aunt gave her the first guitar that she ever had when she was eight years old. She took a like to it, and practiced all of her free time on it. After her aunt died when she was 14 years old. she made a song dedicated to her. That song made her famous, and since then she has been one of the most famous artists in Dallas Texas. For the next twenty minutes she wrote down good material, potentially for her next song that she would release of her producer liked it. After sitting there admiring her new lyrics she made a last second choice to find a bar that was open late at night. Of course this bar was the one that she played at, when she had free time, without her manager or any of her bodyguards knowing. She stepped onto the small stage through the curtains after hearing her name being announced.

Jay Halsteads POV

After we got a confession, and rescued the little girl. It was a while before she got back to her real family, due to them being hours away. It all played out, but some of the officers almost got shot. It was a trap and I feel like it was my fault that it was poorly planned out. It turns out the kidnapper was waiting for us and found out we were on his trail, and there was a huge shootout. No one really could have known but, I feel that there was something else I could have done. After sitting at the office finishing some more of the paperwork, I decided to take the tradition that I had in Chicago when I went to Molly’s after all of the cases, to find a bar and make it a tradition again. After seemingly looking around town for a while. I finally found a bar that was open and looked decent enough to go inside. Walking inside there was big crowd of people inside the bar, stared not even for a second and got back to drinking. After putting my keys into my pocket I ordered a scotch on the rocks. I sat there for a bit looking around until a noise from the speakers sounded “Please welcome Hailey Upton.”The speakers said and a blonde girl popped out from the curtains.

General POV

Jay watched as the blonde sat down and situated herself. Recognizing her immediately from the airport he watched her sing for a while. Amazed that this was probably why that there was paparazzi following her. She looked at the crowd smiling. “The next one is dedicated to my aunt. I wrote this while I was grieving, because she was my best friend.” She said clearing her throat. Jay felt sentiment for this stranger that he just met at the airport just a couple of days ago.Her voice began to fill the bar with sweet sound. “You can see how I how used to play, not in a serious way.” “You taught me, how to strum and now I can.” “Because you are my guardian angel, and something tells me, that you. Oh..you can still see and watch over me.”Jay watched as she switched her fingers on all of the different chords and sang softly on the mic. After she finished she thanked the crowd, and slowly stepped down off the stage. Quickly asking for a drink, Jay noticed her was staring at her and turned fast toward his drink on the stool. He noticed that she took a seat next to him. “Hey, I still have your jacket.” She nudged him smiling, which made him turn his head towards her. “I know I gave it to you Hailey.” Jay felt good finally to know her name. “It’s really comfy, I slept in it actually.” She said. Jay’s expression on his face changed to surprise, and then led to a smirk. “This is going to sound so strange...” “you know what never mind.” She quickly stopped herself looking at the ground. He studied her for a second before talking. “Just speaking from truth here...I have heard a lot of weird things...try me.” He suggested. “Okay fine...uh...”She smirked. “My brother had the same jacket as you, he actually left it to me before he uh..” she trailed off not finishing her sentence and just taking a drink of her beer in front of her. “So that’s uh why I like it, it reminds me a lot of Jackson.” She cleared her throat trying not to cry. “Oh..I’m sorry..I didn’t mean for you to...” He said changing his tone of voice. “No not at all..he’s not dead..uh he just..we haven’t seen him in months.” She said looking up at him. “MIA?” Jay asked her. “Uh..we don’t know..his whole team just seemed to go missing after a few months..we tried for a while to track them down....after a while there was nothing else we could really do.” She said. Jay noticed by the tone of her voice that she was done talking about it. “I’m sorry.” He offered.She nodded in thanks not saying a word for a few seconds. “Umm..anyways I will be in some of the worst trouble if my manager catches me here.” She said gathering her stuff. “I have a truck...and it’s late at night, and I’m going to assume since you snuck out that you walked here.”“If your asking me if I need a ride...I think I’ll be okay, it’s only a few minutes away.” She said smiling at him, then slinging her guitar over her chest. “But..thank you for the offer.” She said making her way out the door. “Hailey... I know we don’t know each other...but please the least I could do is drive you home.” Jay pleaded. “Your not going to try and kill me are you.” She chuckled. “I promise I will not kill you.” “Pinky promise, come on that’s a trust no one can break.” Jay said holding out his pinky. “Woah..the pinky, yes I trust you.” She said laughing. Jay laughed at her laughing. She stopped and her cheeks turned red. “Alright..shall we.” He said holding out his arm leading her out the door. “We shall.” She strolling out. Jay was glad she was trusting him, the last thing he wanted to do is make her feel not safe.On the drive there he decided to make light conversation. “So did you grow up or move here.” He said.She looked at him for a second.“I was born here. Texas has always been my home.” She said. Jay smiled at this because he loved how sentimental she was. “What about you, obviously you have no accent, so where are you from?” She questioned him looking down and strumming her guitar. “Uh..I transferred from an intelligence unit in Chicago, to a different one here.” Jay said keeping one hand on the steering wheel.

“I know that I seemed short earlier about my older brother being missing and all..” She started but Jay stopped her.“Not at all, I’m sorry for telling you to talk about it.” “If it helps at all, I did a couple of tours in Afghanistan..” “I just really miss him..he was my best friend after my Aunt died.” Jay let her talk. “he was my shoulder to cry on, the person I would go to for guidance in highschool.” “Gosh...I was..I am so close to him.” She said carefully changing her words. “I’m so sorry Hailey.” He said deciding whether or not he should put his hand on top of hers or do something for comfort but decided against it when she started talking again.“This is me right here.” She said as Jay slowed down and stopped in front of a semi-big house.“Umm..thank you so much for the ride.” She said hopping out of his giant truck. He smiled a little bit at how she had to use the step to get down. Quickly changed it when she looked at him. “Of course, anytime, and I mean anytime, here’s my card.” Oh he wishes he hadn’t did that,but his hand was already offering the small rectangular card to her. “Thanks I will.” She said. “Wow.” She said. “Umm....I’m glad you like the card he said playfully.” “Actually thank you, it was nice to talk to someone other than the people who barely listen.” She said. “Anyways, I’ll see you around.” “If you can make it, but I am sure you will be busy, I have a concert Next Friday.” Ask for Kayla Dean and she will know.” She offered before shutting the truck door.He rolled down his window. “I will most definitely try.” He said partially yelling before she looked at him like he was crazy. “Sorry.” He whispered. She just laughed as she walked up the steps. Jay was falling in love again, how could this be possible, it has only been a couple of days. She must be worth he thought to himself, he made sure she got in safely making sure she walked through her door, then put the truck in drive, and he did not stop thinking about her when he got back to his aprtment, but he was able to finally catch some shut eye after a while.

Authors note:

Wow I cannot believe I wrote this in almost a day. To whoever reads this thank you and part 3 is coming your way.

[breakingsomething]

october tenth - part three

ok so this one is 8.7k words so be warned. tagging @beebmo for inspiring this idea!

basic summary: aiden takes guitar lessons. jack meets a man in a store. both of them keep secrets and don't communicate, as per usual.

trigger warnings: blood, alcohol, mentions of murder, self harm

aiden hadn't realized just how lacking in social skills he was until he was attempting to make contact with someone other than jack for the first time.

the door of the music store was red, with a small window on the front. it was covered in colourful flyers and newsletters, advertising various events and things aiden knew nothing about. there was a small sign that said "push" in bold black letters. aiden had been staring at it too long to feel comfortable. shaking slightly in his long black coat and beanie. too afraid to step inside.

"excuse me, are you going in or not?"

aiden jumped, not turning to look and see who had spoken but instead quickly pushing open the door open and stepping inside. the store was much warmer than the biting air outside, the lights so bright it made aiden wince. there were stacks of records and cds and vinyls, so many vivid colours and patterns and fonts. a loud song aiden didn't recognize blasted over speakers above. aiden felt his lips twitch at the corners. oh, he thought he already loved this place. was it just because it was somewhere other than jack's place? he didn't know. didn't care enough to think about it.

he glanced around for the employee he was supposed to talk to, anxiety bubbling in his chest again. it wasn't just that he was an introvert or antisocial, though he supposed those were supporting factors - but he had literally never held a conversation with anyone other than jack in his life. on a couple occasions he'd spoken a few words to others, but now… now, he was not only going to have to talk, but pretend to be jack at the same time. which he could do. maybe. in front of a camera was one thing, but…

"can i help you, sir?" said a man dressed in all black, with a nametag on his shirt. rhudy, it said his name was. "are you jack? just wondering, you look rather lost."

aiden just nodded, for all his usual cockiness suddenly rendered unable to speak. rhudy smiles, dimples appearing in his pale cheeks. "alright!" he stretched out a hand for aiden to shake. he didn't take it, swallowing hard, and rhudy retracted his arm without changing expression. "come round the back, i'll show you around. we only have a small space for lessons, hope you're not claustrophobic, ha!" he beamed, and turned to walk in the other direction, quickly weaving through the shelves.

no, he wasn't claustrophobic. he was, however, breathing very heavily and feeling rather like he needed to sit down. he wanted jack. gods, he wanted jack. with a shuddering breath - this was pathetic, he needed to calm the fuck down - he followed the other man to the back.

it was small. red walls covered in shelves, stacks of different instruments in one corner next to a large window covered with white curtains. there were five chairs in a circle in the centre of the room on top of an oval crimson rug. rhudy pulled a chair and sat, aiden very slowly following but staying as far away from him as he could. every nerve in his body was screaming at him to run.

"now, jack," the man said, running his fingers though wavy black hair, dyed blue at the ends. "my name's rhudy, pronounced roo-dee, it's great to meet you. you told me you know a bit of guitar already?"

jack had told him that. aiden nodded again, biting his tongue so hard blood welled up in his mouth.

rhudy gave a small laugh, reaching behind him and grabbing a red acoustic guitar, much like aiden's own but definitely in better condition. "do you talk, then? nothing wrong if you don't want to, just wanting to know."

aiden flushed, forcing himself to open his mouth. "yeah, yeah, course," he said, far too quickly. his fingers gripped the underside of his seat far too tightly.

rhudy blinked, then tilted his head slightly. there was a moment of silence before he spoke, his words sending spikes through aiden's heart. "your name isn't jack, is it?"

aiden was going to throw up. "course it is," he laughed nervously, voice far too high pitched. fuck, but he hated this man for making him feel this way. how did he know, how did he -

"no," rhudy said firmly, leaning forward in his seat, guitar on his lap forgotten. "it's not. and you're…" he lowered his voice. "you're definitely magic or something, it's coming off you in waves. what kind of magician are you, then?" he folded his hands. "also, what's your real name? just by looking at you, i think maybe it starts with an a." he started listing off ideas, ignoring aiden's small noises of protest. "andrew? anthony? aleksanteri? antiseptic?"

he then seemed to notice how pale aiden had gone and how badly he was shaking. "oh, oh, i didn't mean to upset you," he said, sitting up again awkwardly.

"y-you didn't," aiden spat, trying to disguise his panic with anger. he wanted to fucking kill this man, he wanted to… oh, this wasn't right, he couldn't be here, he had to go home to jack. aiden stood, pushing past the chairs and making for the door. "i think this was a mistake."

"wait, wait!" rhudy said, setting his guitar aside as he leapt to his feet and stumbled past the chairs to stand in front of aiden. "i am so sorry, i get carried away sometimes and i swear i didn't mean to -" he took a breath. "sorry, really. i'll call you jack if you want."

aiden burned. he wanted to run, he wanted to pull the switchblade from his jacket pocket and rip this man's throat out. "ok," he instead said softly. more blood in his mouth as he sat back down, rhudy following.

he narrowed his eyes, desperately trying to push through his slowly building panic attack and regain some semblance of dignity. "magician," he muttered. "what makes you think i'm a magician?"

rhudy hesitated, reevaluating. aiden hated him. "you're… you smell like magic. harsh, like fire, or an overheating computer." he snorted, trying to keep eye contact with aiden. "do you do magic?"

aiden had come here for a guitar lesson. a fucking guitar lesson. "no," he said firmly. "i don't. do… do you?"

rhudy nodded. "you don't know about… well, suppose it doesn't matter." and before aiden can say a word, he picked up the guitar again. "anyway, let's -"

"hey, wait, you can't - you can't just dump that shit on me and then teach me guitar!" aiden spluttered, throwing up his arms. "how did you know my name wasn't -" shit. he visibly winced. rhudy just smiled, eyes twinkling.

"i know things," he said, tapping the side of his head. "that's one thing i'm good at. knowing things. clairvoyance, it's called."

clairvoyance. wow, everything made sense now.

rhudy absentmindedly plucked a tune on the guitar strings, raising an eyebrow. "so your name's not jack?"

"no," aiden admitted. he didn't say anything else.

rhudy nodded. "ok, i'm calling you antiseptic then. more badass name than fucking andrew. unless that is your name?" aiden shook his head. "ok. anyway. we'll have plenty of time to talk about magic later. for now, let's just… ok. what songs can you play?"

-

rhudy was odd. rhudy was odd, and aiden did not know how to feel about him.

over the next two weeks, he explained a bit about the magic to him. from what he said, it seemed like magic was slightly more common that aiden had thought, which worried him. surely he would have noticed, surely he would have seen at some point? he'd considered the possibility that jack's creation of his magician had something to do with it, but that seemed ridiculous. bringing to life one person with magic powers was one thing, but a whole group of people? unless… unless jack was one of them. a particularly powerful magician, maybe. ugh, it hurt to think about.

aiden didn't tell jack what he'd learned.

well, he did tell jack some of the things he'd learned. the music related things, at least. jack had commented on how much he'd improved in terms of playing, and despite himself, aiden had swelled with pride.

"thanks. i guess lessons are paying off." he grinned. jack ruffled his hair as he walked by, and aiden attempted to swat at his legs as his friend laughed.

"oh, they are. i can say this now, but you were simply terrible before, aid. completely and utterly horrendous." he smirked and disappeared into the kitchen.

aiden rolled his eyes, zipping up his guitar case and preparing to head out again. "well, that's rude."

"it's just truth!"

aiden followed jack into the kitchen and stuck out his tongue. "ok, whatever. dickwad. what are you doing today?"

jack shrugged. "dunno. i've been watching dude perfect a lot, i was legitimately thinking about attempting to fly to texas and do a collab with them." he laughed at the ridiculousness of it, evidently trying to relieve the tension of making a joke like that. he knew aiden didn't like jack's collabs. "what do you think?"

aiden rolled his eyes, grabbing his boots from the shoe rack. he knew jack was only joking. "alright then, bro average."

"hey, that's so mean!"

"oh, i'm mean? you just told me my guitar was shite!"

"your guitar was shite, past tense!"

"fuck you, i'm leaving."

jack rummaged in the fridge, pulling out a rectangular bottle. "stacy, no, don't take the kids," he joked, twisting off the cap and taking a gulp.

aiden suddenly frowned. "are you day drinking, jay? seriously?"

jack shrugged and sat down at the table, pulling out his phone and adjusting his grey snapback. "this whiskey is nice. don't worry, i wouldn't get drunk without you."

"can't get drunk with me, either, if you don't want to kill me." aiden said as he tied his boots. "are you forgetting i can't drink?"

jack started, blinking like he'd just woken up. "oh… oh, yeah," he murmured softly. "yeah."

aiden didn't move for a second. then he came round the table and hesitantly placed a hand on the back of jack's neck. "jay, are you ok? you've been acting… a bit off, lately."

jack nodded, far too quickly. "yeah, yeah, of course," he reassured. "just a… i'm fine, don't worry."

aiden didn't have time to worry anyway. he was late for his lesson. he just smiled and told jack to take care of himself as he left, half jogging down the street with his case on his back.

yes, rhudy was odd. he talked about magic ever so casually when he was around aiden, and joked with him like he was an old friend. aiden was still debating killing him. but part of him thought… maybe he liked this guy. he was interesting, definitely. and he was good at guitar. and he was nice to aiden despite how rude and snappy he was. aiden couldn't understand him.

"hey, anti!" rhudy greeted him as soon as he came into the store. he had his hair back in the tiniest ponytail, curls hanging down in front of his face. he didn't try to high five aiden, either, which showed he'd at least been paying attention to his touch aversive tendencies. "good to see you, even if it it ten minutes late." he laughed, already starting for the back of the room. aiden smiled slightly. yes, he thought he did like this guy.

there was someone waiting in the back room.

"oh, is someone in here?" said the man who was sitting on aiden's usual seat. he had spiky brown hair and a long beard, a bass guitar resting on his legs. "sorry, bros, lemme move my stuff."

aiden and rhudy waited awkwardly as the man slowly packed up his guitar, chattering all the while. "no one told me this room was being used, rhudy, apologies. i thought it was free, didn't know you did lessons in here on thursdays."

"yep, i do," rhudy interrupted. "it's ok, rory, just remember that for future."

aiden got the feeling rhudy wasn't exactly fond of this man. he shifted from foot to foot, tapping his fingers on his knife in his pocket.

rory looked up at the movement, standing up straight. "well, who's this awkward looking fellow?" he asked cheerfully, and aiden's face burned. the man flashed a grin. "name's rory. rhudy teaches me too sometimes, when i can pay him." he laughed, though no one else did. "so, you any good on guitar? can't be that great if rhudy's teaching you."

"hurry up, rory," rhudy said tiredly before aiden could do anything he wouldn't regret. "we have a lesson to have."

"naturally!" rory chuckled. he clapped aiden's shoulder, causing him to yelp and rory to laugh. "oho, calm down, i won't hurt you. a bit jumpy, are we?" he waved at rhudy as he went out, and he unwillingly waved back. "seeya, lads!"

the man had his phone in his pocket. by the time he'd left the room, aiden had gotten everything he needed. he sat down next to rhudy, shaking with rage and anxiety and disgust.

"sorry about him," rhudy said sympathetically. "he's… a lot to handle. doesn't mean any harm, really."

aiden didn't care. the second he was feeling upset enough to kill anyone again, this man was becoming his first new victim. he had his address now. fuck anything else.

but then rhudy tilted his head, looking aiden in the eyes. "can i touch your shoulder?" and just the fact that he asked touched aiden enough that he nodded, and before starting the lesson rhudy gently pat aiden's shoulder and smiled, and aiden felt strangely warm for the rest of the day.

-

everything was wrong.

everything was so painfully wrong that jack felt sick. if anyone had asked, he wouldn't have been able to tell them what the problem was, but he knew that something was so off it was making him shake and cause bile to burn his throat. he pulled his knees up to his chest on the couch and took a desperate gulp of his whiskey, hoping that maybe for a second it would burn this feeling away. it didn't. in fact, it seemed to make it worse.

he should be recording. he should be making videos. he shouldn't be shivering in his living room, curled up and drinking an expensive bottle of japanese whiskey. where was aiden? fuck, he needed aiden. he was going to throw up or pass out or something. part of him hoped for the latter if only to rip this strange horrible feeling right out of him.

no keys in the lock. no knock at the door. jack couldn't sit up to look at the couch, but he knew aiden wouldn't be back anytime soon. he let out a shuddering breath and laid sideways on the couch, his bottle falling to the floor. he didn't care. he fucking hated the taste anyway.

-

"i better go home soon," aiden said, though part of him really didn't want to. he was actually having a good time. he and rhudy had stopped playing guitar long ago - now they were just talking, or really, rhudy was talking and aiden was listening. which he was fine with, really. it was easier for both of them that way.

"aw, man," rhudy groaned exaggeratedly, slumping back dramatically in his chair. "really? come on, septic, stay here, i don't have any other lessons tonight."

aiden shook his head. part of him thought about staying, if only so he wouldn't have to go home and see jack. but he was getting tired anyway. "yeah, i should go."

rhudy made a face and stood. "ok, ok. see you tomorrow?"

aiden frowned as he slung his case onto his back. "i don't have a lesson tomorrow."

rhudy gave an embarrassed laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. "oh yeah, you don't, do you," he murmured. then he raised an eyebrow. "would you like to? maybe somewhere… not here? like… out in the park or something?"

they made their way over to the door, aiden biting his lip. "you, uh, you wanna give me a guitar lesson in a park?"

rhudy nodded eagerly. "uh, yeah. a guitar lesson, yeah. just - yeah. if you want."

aiden shrugged, feeling a grin on his face. "yeah, sure, yeah. if you want."

"if you want."

"if you want!"

and despite wondering if maybe he was missing something obvious, aiden was smiling as he left the store and walked home, feeling light and warm.

that feeling immediately dissipated the second he walked in the house.

it was freezing. the windows seemed to be all open, a cold breeze blowing the curtains out. "bloody hell," aiden muttered, slamming one shut and glancing down the hall. "jack, you up?"

there was a moment of silence before aiden heard a sound that made every hair in his body stand on end. a sharp, pained whimper, coming from what seemed to be the living room.

he bolted down the hall, shrugging off his guitar and tossing it carelessly to the ground. when he came into the room, his heart dropped. jack was curled up on the couch, shaking badly, hands over his ears and blood on his face. his eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and he didn't look up as aiden dropped to his knees beside the couch, gasping. "jack! jesus shit, jack!"

jack gave a small, pathetic cry. "no, no, leave me alone," he sobbed, drawing even further into himself. "don't touch, don't hurt, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"

aiden cursed, noticing an empty bottle of alcohol on the floor near the couch. "fuck, jay, how much did you have to drink?"

"barely anything, swear, i don't drink, i don't!" jack cried, trying to cover his face and ears at the same time. "leave me 'lone, go away, don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to die!"

aiden's blood ran cold. "jack. jack, what are you talking about? did someone hurt you? did something - shit, jay, did you make another video?"

"no, no, no!" jack wailed, tossing and turning wildly. blood trickled from his eyes and onto the cushions below. "i didn't, aiden, didn't do anything, please!"

aiden couldn't get another coherent sentence out of him for another four or so hours. by the time jack calmed and was able to sit up and speak properly, it was late at night and the room was dark. jack leaned his head against aiden's shoulder, breathing heavily and shakily but still breathing, still breathing. aiden didn't know what to say.

"i'm sorry," were the first words jack said when he could speak. "i don't know what came over me."

aiden stroked his hair, the physical contact making him shiver. "there was blood and shit," he mumbled. "like a creation. but it was - you didn't make a video."

"i didn't make a video for you either," jack said, voicing what they were both thinking.

"i… i'm different," aiden said. "and we both know it."

jack glanced over, his eyes red. "different how?"

aiden didn't want to say it. he didn't want to say anything. so he didn't.

"maybe you have some kind of epilepsy too," he eventually said. "and that's why you have those…seizures."

jack snorted. "seizures that make me bleed from the eyes and create magic clones of myself?"

aiden smacked his chin into his knees. "well, you didn't make any magic clones this time." he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself. "you just drank too much, that's all."

"drank one bottle of whiskey and bled like a demon," jack said under his breath, and aiden pretended not to hear him.

they spent the night watching voyager and eventually fell asleep, jack on aiden's legs and aiden slumped over the arm of the couch.

-

aiden left early the next day.

"who are you texting?" jack teased as he walked past aiden in the kitchen. they had wordlessly agreed to put the events of last night behind them until they had to face them. "and why-y do you have your guitar with you? you don't have a lesson."

aiden flipped him off without looking up. "because fuck you, that's why."

jack frowned. "be careful, aid."

he glanced up, relaxing and shooting a small smile. "when am i not careful, jack?" he furrowed his brow. "don't answer that."

after aiden had left, jack decided to go out shopping. it was early on a saturday, and there were a lot of families with kids and such, who jack carefully avoided as much as he could. he stopped in the sweets aisle, pondering buying aiden some black liquorice. he hadn't been spending a lot of time with him lately, and figured maybe he'd appreciate it. he was just throwing a bag into his basket when someone small bumped into his legs.

he jumped, turning round quickly to face whoever it was. a young girl, no older than six, with brown hair in a ponytail and a puffy pink jacket. "papa, connor's being mean!" she whined, not letting go of his legs. "i wanted to get the tangfastics, but he said he wanted them, but i asked first, papa! i asked first, i called bagsy!"

jack was stunned into silence for a second. "uh," he eventually managed. "uh, kid, i'm not your… your papa."

the girl looked up, bright blue eyes sparkling. "you're silly!" she grinned, then taking a step back. "lift me up, i lost connor and wanna see him over all the people!"

jack was just about to start panicking when someone came through the crowd, tapping the girl on the head. "lou-ise, did you -" he started, then he and jack both looked up and froze.

jack's first thought was - "aiden?" he said, confused. "what are you…"

but no, this wasn't aiden. but the man was jack's exact twin in every seemingly possible way. messy, yellow-green hair, a short brown beard, bright blue eyes, wearing a grey snapback and black leather jacket. he was staring at jack blankly, eyes wide and mouth hanging slightly open. jack stared right back, mind absolutely racing.

his first instinct was to run. what if this was jackieboy man or the magnificent magician, the ones who had hurt aiden? but before he could do anything, before he could race down the aisle as quickly as he could, the girl next to him spoke. "you're not my papa!" she said, skipping over to her other man and the tiny blonde boy that jack assumed was her brother. she grabbed her papa's hand and both kids joined their father in staring at jack in awe.

"holy sh- my god," the man said after a moment, sounding just like jack but with an american accent. "you look - wow, that's so unbelievably weird. you are… you're like my exact twin. and i found you in an asda. what - what the hell?" he broke into a grin, laughing at the ridiculousness of it. "are you my long lost brother or something?"

jack made several noises, struggling to speak actual words. "i… uh…" he snorted, putting his hands in his jacket pockets. "yeah, this is… weird."

"he even sounds like you, papa!" the boy cried, stepping forwards slightly. he made a face at jack, his sister giggling. their dad shook his head before letting go of his daughter's hand and stretching it out towards jack.

"sorry, uh, my name's chase," he said, still grinning. jack shook his hand, suddenly very aware of how many people were in here watching this go down. "chase brody. it's, uh, nice to meet you, even under these odd circumstances, ha."

jack forced a grin. he didn't recognize the name at all. he couldn't be the doctor either, then, the doctor was german and his name wasn't brody, it had been… schneeplestein? "my name's jack," he said. "yeah, wow. nice to - to meet you, yeah."

there were several seconds of awkward silence after that, until the girl spoke again. "are you our uncle?" she asked. "or papa's brother? why do you look like him? are you twins? do you know each other? are you his clone?"

jack laughed despite himself. "i wish i could answer any of those questions, uh…" he looked at chase questioningly.

"oh! this is louise, and my son, connor," chase introduced, tapping them both on the head in turn. "and, uh, we should probably get going, my wife will be wondering. wait a sec." he pulled a tiny notebook and pen from his pocket, scribbling something onto the paper. "i don't think this is something we can just walk away from and never think of again, so i'm gonna give you my number, maybe we can talk later." he handed the paper to jack, and he took it, both of them smiling awkwardly. "yeah. uh, good to meet you." he grabbed his children's hands again, and they both waved at jack as they turned round and started to walk off. "see you, dude!"

jack waved slowly, staring after them long after they were gone.

-

it was cold out. so cold out that no children or families were even in the park, leaving it all to aiden and rhudy. they chattered warmly as they crunched through the early september frost in the grass, making their way over to a spot in the field next to the trees and sitting on the freezing ground. rhudy had bought them food from greggs, and they ate as they talked, both guitars forgotten on their legs as they leaned against the trees. despite the chill, this was the warmest aiden had felt in a long time. it felt like easier days, like when jack and aiden had been able to get along and be friends instead of snapping and ignoring each other. it felt good. it felt happy.

this wasn't a feeling aiden was used to, but he wished he could be.

later on, they picked up their stuff and walked down on the beach. the tide was in, so they kept close to the wall, stumbling over rocks and slipping on seaweed, laughing loudly and clinging to each other. for once, aiden didn't mind the unexpected touch that he usually only accepted from jack. it felt happy. everything really did feel happy.

"come on, anti!" rhudy yelled, racing ahead of him across the rocks. aiden flipped him off, finding solid ground and taking advantage of it to run after him. he was aware of how stupid the both of them must look right now - two men in their late twenties chasing each other like children - but he suddenly didn't care. he didn't care, and he didn't know why. he was having fun. he wasn't feeling depressed, he wasn't thinking about killing himself, he was alive and it felt fucking amazing. he laughed as he tore across the rocks, almost catching up to rhudy, reaching out to grab his arm -

and slipping, falling -

"anti! anti, shit, anti!"

he groaned, bright light in front of his eyes the second he opened them. something digging into his back. sand on his hands, something sharp, his head, his head hurt - "fuck," he mumbled. he felt a pair of hands grab his, helping him sit up. "oh, oh, fuck, ow."

"anti, are you ok? shit, did you hit your head? are you bleeding? your hands are bleeding, shit," rhudy panicked. his hands were on aiden's shoulders, aiden's face. he let out a noise and leaned into the other man, his whole body aching.

rhudy ran his hands over his back. "hey, i think you're ok, i don't - i don't have a medkit, specifically, but we can go to mine and get -"

and suddenly the embarrassment of everything hit aiden all at once. what was he doing, running around like an idiot, getting so close to someone who was still mostly a stranger? he pulled back, cheeks burning in humiliation, struggling to push himself up. "i'm fine, i have to - i have to get home, my - my roommate will be worried about me."

rhudy nodded, too quickly. "oh, yeah, sure," he said. he grabbed aiden's hands again, trying to help him up, but he was suddenly just so fucking angry with everything that he pushed him off, stumbling to his feet himself. it was after he'd done that that he realized that had been a dumb idea - sand had gotten into the big cut on his hand, and it stung. he swayed on his feet, and rhudy helped steady him despite his yelp of protest.

"i'm - uh, i'm sorry you… can i walk you home?" rhudy blurted. aiden started making his way back up the beach, trying to subtly wipe sand off himself.

"i'll be fine," he mumbled. the last thing he needed was for jack to see him like this with another person.

despite that, rhudy walked him up to the gates of the park, occasionally looking at aiden like he wanted to say something but never doing so. at the gates, he stopped walking and hesitated. "anti, uh… sorry this didn't go so great. maybe next time we can go get food or something. less risk of injury." he laughed awkwardly, running his fingers through his hair. aiden eyed him suspiciously, wondering if he was mocking him.

"sure, yeah," he said, having no intention of going out with rhudy again. he'd stick with just the guitar lessons, thank you very much.

rhudy brightened, a smile spreading across his face. "cool!" he beamed. he clapped his hands together gently. "sure you don't want me to walk -"

"yes, i'm sure," aiden interrupted and left rhudy at the gate, beginning the walk back himself in silence.

jack wasn't at home.

that wasn't extremely unusual, but usually he left a note or something. aiden wandered through the house uncertainly, making sure there was really no one there, before collapsing to the couch and staring at the wall, thinking about how much of an idiot he was.

"aid-en. wakey wakey, i got you liquorice."

aiden slowly blinked, seeing a pair of bright blue eyes in front of his own. he didn't even remember falling asleep. "mm," he groaned, closing his eyes again. "thanks."

he felt a hand run through his hair, and he unwillingly let out a small, relaxed sigh. "what's up?" jack said softly. aiden heard him sink down next to him on the floor. "how were lessons with - shit, aiden, what happened to your hand?"

oh yeah. he'd forgotten. "fell," he mumbled, not bothering to elaborate. jack cursed silently.

"and you didn't disinfect it or bandage it or anything?" aiden made another sleepy "hmm" as a no. "fuck's sake. stay there, lazy bastard, i'll fix you up."

it was another quiet night for the both of them, although jack did decide to forfeit recording for a little while so as to sit with aiden, chattering and playing music loudly. and despite how his anger had faded to a soft numb burn, jack's presence was nice, and he felt slightly more alive than usual.

it was the next day that aiden noticed.

a new presence. a new electrical item in the house. that wasn't extremely unusual, but usually jack would tell him something like that, obviously knowing that aiden would recognize the change and wonder. the fact that he hadn't mentioned just made aiden more curious, and he followed the signature through the house, somehow unable to locate it exactly until late that night, when jack was recording and aiden found it in his coat pocket. a new phone. aiden hesitated, knowing he should respect jack's privacy like he'd promised and not look - but what was he doing with a whole new phone when he already had a perfectly good one?

one look. just one look. no harm could be done with just one look.

there was nothing on the phone. nothing but a text conversation to a number aiden didn't recognize.

the conversation had been initiated by jack, at two am that morning. aiden would have been asleep by then, he realized with a jolt.

hey, the message said. figured i'd message you.

the number had responded. hey there! i almost didn't think you'd text me.

who the fuck was this? a girlfriend? but why would jack have bought a whole new phone just to text her? heart racing, he kept looking.

course i did. look, i can't say much over text. can we maybe meet up again, same place we met? i want to talk to you again.

hell yeah, dude. tomorrow at twelve work for you? i gotta get the kids from school, so i can't do later than three.

sure. seeya then.

that was how the conversation ended.

ok, aiden thought. so jack was keeping secrets from him. "i can't say much over text" - hmm, wonder why that was. aiden reassembled and slumped against a wall, breathing heavily through his nose.

that fucking bastard. whoever it was he was meeting, it was someone he didn't want aiden seeing. and that was exactly why he was going to follow him and see who it was.

he thought aiden wouldn't notice if he bought a new phone? fucking idiot. it would have been easier to hide if he had just used his normal phone. did he really think aiden was stupid? he clenched his fists, biting his cheek so hard he tasted blood in his mouth. that asshole. that asshole. that fucking asshole.

by the time jack was done recording, aiden was in his room, pretending to be asleep. but in reality, he was already planning exactly what he was going to do the next day, and how he was going to tell jack what he knew.

-

"i'm going out," jack said, around eleven thirty the next day. aiden was sitting on the couch on his laptop, eating apple slices, and he barely glanced up at jack's words. "got shit to do. what are you gonna do?"

aiden shrugged, holding up a hand while he finished chewing. "can i hack into police records and find wrongly released criminals so i can kill them?" he joked once he'd finished.

jack rolled his eyes, relieved aiden hadn't questioned where he was going. "oh yeah, absolutely," he chuckled. "have fun with that, dude. seeya." the door clicked as he left and walked down the steps, putting up his umbrella to shield himself from the pouring rain.

he felt kind of bad doing this without telling aiden. truth was, he didn't want him to know about chase because he might think he was bad like that hero and magician. but even that… after leaving asda yesterday, jack had gone to the library and done some researching. the hero had been seen several times around the city, his costume constantly changing but always recognizable. he had become known as "jbm," which jack knew was short for "jackieboy man." how no one else knew what the jbm stood for, he didn't know, but what he did know was that this hero didn't seem evil. he had appeared to only do good things from what he had seen, from rescuing that girl at the beginning to saving a kid who was being hurt by his father. jack didn't understand why he'd hurt aiden like that. it didn't seem right.

he didn't want to say aiden was lying. he didn't.

but there was something more to the story that he was definitely missing.

he saw chase standing outside, a small yellow umbrella with a duck's face on it held over his head. seeing him again was strange enough - it was like seeing himself wearing a stranger's clothes - but that umbrella had to be the icing on this very weird cake. he tried to hold back a laugh as he walked up beside him. "hey, there."

chase jumped at his voice, then jumped again at his face. "christ on a bike, you scared me," he laughed, shaking his head. "i haven't gotten used to - you know." he waved his hand round his face, jack humming in agreement. "so, uh… where do you wanna go?"

jack hesitated. "you wanna go get some food? there's some places just over there, i don't mind where we go."

chase grinned. "hell yeah. you have any preferences? i'll eat anything, i don't mind."

"subway?"

"sounds like a plan."

they walked through the parking lot and crossed the street to the various restaurants across from the asda. they politely chatted the whole way there, ignoring the very obvious elephant in the room in favour of discussing chase's umbrella. "it's louise's, my daughter," he clarified with a chuckle. "i think i've lost my own one. i have gotten several strange looks, but hey, that's how it is sometimes." jack laughed, and chase held the door for him to go inside. they each ordered and sat down, preparing to finally talk.

"so," chase eventually said as they finished a casual conversation about chase's kids. "are we gonna talk about the whole… why we look identical thing?"

jack had been hoping to avoid talking about that for a while, mostly because he wasn't sure how to explain the truth without seeming insane. how do you tell someone you think you might have brought them to life? "uh, yeah. i guess. i mean… i don't really know."

"it's not even a funny "haha we look sort of similar" thing," chase said as he unwrapped his bacon and salad sandwich and took a bite. "it's like - we're literally identical. every last detail. down to the shape of, like, our eyes. and our voices are the same, just different accents." he swallowed and then puts on a very convincing irish accent. "i mean, i can do irish too."

"that is weird," jack murmured. he was starting to feel very light. "how - how did you come to be able to do such a good irish accent if you're american?"

"my family moved us to ireland when i was fifteen," he said, waving his hand in a circle. "i learned to impersonate an irish accent to fit in with my classmates, so they didn't make fun of me. dunno how it got so good." he laughed awkwardly, sipping his coke. "so we both have ties to ireland, too? damn, ok, this is getting… very weird. i think that we genuinely might be related."

jack bit into his own sandwich, at a loss for words. "uh, maybe," he said. had he really created a person with a whole backstory that he didn't even write? "yeah. yeah."

chase hesitated. "think we should do, like… a blood test or something?" he winced. "that sounded dumb. i mean, i - i told my wife about this whole thing last night and she didn't believe me, even when my kids backed me up. this is all so weird." he shook his head again and breathed out a laugh. "but, anyway! we can talk about that kinda stuff later. tell me a bit about you, i've talked about myself enough."

jack did so, avoiding all mentions of aiden and his powers, instead talking about his time in ireland and his youtube channel. surprisingly, chase told him he had a channel too. "it's called bro average," he said, picking at his sandwich and not noticing the shock on jack's face. "i do trickshot stuff, lots of athletic shit. it blew up sometime last year, i've got like two million subs. it's wild, dude, seriously!"

bro average… where had he heard those words? he knew them. he'd heard that name. fuck, but he couldn't remember where. and if it was true, this man had only been in existence for a few days. why could he remember a past, how powerful were jack's powers?

the lights flickered. chase barely noticed. jack did. he glanced up, suddenly desperately hoping it was just a coincidence.

"and you've got a gaming channel?" chase said, oblivious. "how many subs does that have? i haven't heard that name before."

"about four million," he said, face reddening as chase cheered in awe.

"holy shit! that's so cool, dude. i'll have to check it out, i'm surprised i haven't seen it." chase stirred his drink. "i think maybe we're just the same person from different lives, ha." he stilled very suddenly. "i'm joking, but also i'm really not."

the lights flickered again, much more forcibly this time. the woman preparing the sandwiches glanced up, confused.

"so… you wouldn't happen to know any other clones, would you?" chase joked, tucking a strand of hair back into his hat. "you don't seem as… surprised as you probably should be about this whole situation."

jack hesitated. "what would you say if i told you i did?"

chase raised his eyebrows and was about to say something else when he paused, looking behind him slowly. "hey, what's that… can you hear that weird buzzing noise?"

"i have to go to the bathroom," jack said immediately, standing up and nearly knocking over his drink. "be back in a sec."

he didn't even give chase time to respond. just stormed into the bathroom at the back of the restaurant and, after checking there was no one else in any of the stalls, stood in the middle of the room. "what the fuck, aiden?"

there was a loud screeching that immediately spiked jack's tinnitus, and he cried out, clamping his hands over his ears. the room sparked with colour and static, and aiden formed in front of jack, face blank.

"jesus shit, dude!" jack yelled. "what the fuck is wrong with you, are you following me?"

aiden tilted his head and crossed his arms. "you bought a whole new phone just to talk to him?" he said flatly. "and you thought i wouldn't notice? seriously? do you take me for a fucking idiot, jack mcloughlin?"

jack sighed. "i didn't -" he threw up his arms, at a loss. "aiden -"

"what were you afraid of, jack?" aiden said, very quietly. his body glitched, and his eyes melted into a solid black. "were you scared i'd be upset? scared i'd do something? scared i'd try to -" he disappeared and suddenly reformed directly in front of him, causing him to yelp and jump back. "- hurt him?"

"aiden, stop it!" jack cried disbelievingly. aiden stepped back, still glitching wildly, an amused smile on his face. "what the fuck's gotten into you?"

"you were keeping him secret." aiden deadpanned. "hiding from me. lying to me."

"because i knew you'd react like this!" jack despaired, and aiden's buzzing glitches quietened for just a second, his smirk slipping. "i knew you'd freak out and get all possessive, like you always do!"

there was no sound but the hum of static for a long moment.

"so that's how you see me, huh?" aiden eventually said. "just possessive."

jack shook his head rapidly. "aiden, fuck's sake, of course not. you're my friend!"

the smirk came back. "am i really?" the glitching suddenly picked up full force, and even the space around him began to bend around aiden. "am i? or am i just your fucking puppet, jack? here to jump when you say jump, just made to keep you from being sad and lonely?" his tone became mocking and childish at the end, and each word felt like a stab to jack's heart.

"aid-aiden, dude, of course not! what the fuck gave you that impression? i love you, you mean the goddamn world to me!"

the glitching suddenly stopped, leaving a deafening silence.

"i'm sure i do," aiden murmured, and disappeared.

jack just stared at the spot where he had been for a moment. then he splashed some water from the sinks on his face, feeling sick with dread and worry. he had never been good with confrontation, and everything aiden had said just felt… painful. the fact that he thought like that made his head spin. was he really that bad of a friend?

the word "puppet" kept echoing in his mind.

he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. he looked tired, bags under his head, hair mussed from the weather. he didn't bother trying to sort it, just left the bathroom and back into the main section of the restaurant.

chase was gone.

panic coursed through jack's body. he raced outside, swinging round the corner, only to see - his heart dropped. aiden, talking to chase as they walked quickly away from the subway.

"chase!" he called, and they both turned round, chase's eyes widening in horror as he realized. aiden broke out in a huge grin as chase jumped away from him, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"what the - what the fuck, what the fuck!" he stammered, stumbling back into a lamppost. "who - what - i don't -"

"oh, keep quiet if you've nothing good to say," aiden jeered, letting his eyes turn black. chase cried out in shock, and aiden laughed in amusement.

"aiden, get the fuck away from him," jack ordered, pushing aiden back. "this isn't a joke, aiden, stop. whatever you're mad about, don't take it out on chase."

"aw, chase!" aiden sang, rapping his knuckles on chase's head. he shrank back, terrified. "you have a name, how sweet! did you call yourself that, or did jack name you?"

"i - i - i don't know what you're talking about!" chase sobbed. his eyes flickered over to jack, who was dithering helplessly at the side, fruitlessly trying to pull aiden away. "please, leave me alone, i have a wife and kids -"

"a wife and kids!" aide crowed. he turned to jack, eyes comically wide. "you hear that, jack? he has a wife and kids!"

"aiden, stop it. come home, we can talk - i'm sorry i tried to hide this from you, ok? please, calm down, just -"

"can we talk about what the fuck is happening?" chase interrupted, looking like he was about to cry. "i don't - i don't understand, i didn't think there was more - clones, more clones, i don't get it!"

"ohhh, you didn't mention me, jack?" aiden said in an exaggerated, mocking tone, pouty lip and all. "your first creation, too?" he cackled. "why am i not surprised?"

jack covered his face, suddenly too overwhelmed to speak as chase continued panicking. "creation? jack, what - what the fuck are you on about? what have - what have you gotten me into?"

"ah. you haven't told him that either." anti turned to chase, who was trembling enormously now. "would you like me to tell you why you look so much like our jack here?"

despite it all, aiden jumped when jack put a hand on his arm. "please," he said quietly, biting his lip. "go home. or go… somewhere. or stay, if you're gonna stop being an asshole. just - stop this. please."

all the fight seemed to go out of aiden at once, and he practically deflated in front of jack's eyes. he glanced at chase, who was breathing very heavily and scrubbing at his face to try and hide the tears leaking from his eyes. he didn't say a word this time. just vanished into the air, buzzing as he disappeared.

jack and chase were left alone.

"chase," jack murmured. chase was trembling badly, shoulders shaking. "i'm sorry, i - i didn't mean - that was a lot, i'm sorry."

"what did he mean," chase said through his tears. "created?"

jack went silent.

"ok… uh," he started. a couple people walked by, and jack realized; how had no one noticed his and anti's fight? a thing to think about later, he supposed. "i… i have these… these weird abilities. aiden thinks that, maybe, it's like soul -"

"no," chase interrupted. he laughed, almost hysterically, stepping off the curb into the parking lot. "no, don't even try that shit. you're - you're insane, you're fucking insane!"

"chase, wait," jack pleaded. he cursed aiden in his mind. "please -"

chase took off running in the other direction, leaving jack standing by himself.

the worst part was, he couldn't blame him, really. he wished he too could run and never come back.

-

jack was alone all night.

and the next night.

and the night after that.

he spent the fourth night crying, out of despair, out of anger, out of sadness, out of fear. out of everything. he missed his friend so badly, so badly. but he'd ruined everything. it was all his fault. all his fucking fault.

yep, he was a terrible person.

-

aiden spent four nights away.

he spent those four nights sleeping in people's attics and such, stealing food when no one was looking and using public bathrooms in shops. he could just go home and listen to jack apologize tearfully and put all the blame on himself, which he thought would almost ne worth it - but really, he was too fucking tired. too fucking angry. he wanted to do nothing but sleep and hate himself and feel angry at everyone around him.

surprisingly, he decided to go back to the music store for his next lesson on friday. he was bored and lonely and, quite honestly, desperate for human contact. rhudy's face brightened when he saw him enter the store, and aiden hated the smile that tried to rise to his lips upon seeing him.

"septic!" rhudy cried, and without warning, threw his arms right around him. and fuck, if aiden didn't sob slightly, practically melting into the warmth. it felt fucking fantastic. he hated it. he wanted it to last forever.

"i'm sorry about the beach," rhudy mumbled into his ear. "i can see so much shit, but i didn't see - i didn't know -" he suddenly pulled away. "are you… ok?"

aiden didn't dare say a word in case he somehow burst into tears right then. rhudy took that as a sign to take his shoulder gently and pull him away from the crowd. "come round the back, you're ok, you're ok."

aiden was dimly aware that he didn't even have his guitar with him. he almost laughed at his idiocy.

"sit down. anti, are you ok? talk to me, man." rhudy opened the back room curtains, and aiden winced in the light. "you haven't been home in a while, have you?"

aiden was confused, before remembering - clairvoyance. he sighed. "no. had a fight with my - with my roommate." a shuddering breath. "i'm fine."

rhudy sat down across from him. his black hair curled round his face, stopping just above his shoulders. his brown eyes were filled with worry. "i'm sorry," he mumbled. "the other man i taught guitar to - rory - he's dead. murdered, they said. he was fucking ripped apart, they wouldn't have known it was him if it wasn't his home."

aiden forced a look of surprise onto his face. "oh, shit. rhudy, i'm sorry."

"don't be," he sighed. "it's not your fault."

aiden swallowed and looked down at the floor, nodding.

rhudy tapped his knees. "you've hurt yourself."

aiden snorted, self consciously wrapping his arms around himself. "jesus, you know a bit too much for your own good, don't you think?"

rhudy ignored him, instead gently taking one of aiden's hands and rolling up his sleeve. aiden's breath hitched at the contact, and he felt almost satisfied with how shocked rhudy looked when he saw what aiden had done. "fuck, anti, did you do this to yourself?"

not intentionally, at first. he'd just scraped his arm against the scratchy, uneven floor, then he'd liked the pain and done it again, and again. grounding himself. "why do you call me that?" aiden said, instead of answering his question.

they stared at each other in silence, rhudy still holding aiden's arm. "i don't know," rhudy eventually murmured, evidently not wanting to leave the previous topic be. "it just seemed like… your name. like it was connected to you. if - if you don't like it, i can call you something else?"

aiden considered for a moment. considered a lot of things. then he gently pulled his arm away from rhudy's and smiled up at him, an actual, genuine smile for the first time in about a week. something about that felt right. something about him felt right. suddenly, everything seemed to make sense.

"no," anti said. "i like it. i think i like it."

rhudy smiled back at him, and the world was right again.

[luckythecog]

A Modern Fairy Tale - Part II

As I descended the steps of the Greyhound on that hot July day in 1981, my eyes meeting Kim’s, the butterflies swarming in my stomach were the size of Mothra from the Godzilla movie. My heartbeat was pulsating in my ears and my entire face felt like it was in flame. I felt like the schoolgirl finally being asked to go steady from the beau she’d had a crush on.

I had never had this feeling before, and I could imagine a life of bliss at the bottom of those stairs. As I took the last step from the bus onto the pavement, my legs felt like elastic strips and my head was swimming and all of a sudden, I was scared. What if this was a mistake? I had just spent the last 40 hours on a bus to embark on a life with someone I really knew very little about, but here I stood and the only thing I could do now was put one foot in front of the other.

Joei, who had taken to Kim immediately over the summer, yelled his name and jumped off the last step and plowed into his legs with a big bear hug. Kim scooped him up in his arms and gave him quick little kisses all over his face.

Here was a twenty-two-year-old guy who accepted Joei as his own. This wasn’t an act, as I had carefully watched the interaction between the two during the early part of the summer. Kim’s feelings were genuine, and he had an air to him that few people have. The kind of individual that seems to have a spotlight on them when they walk into a room, and everyone wants to be around. He was just magnetic.

He embraced me with the same gusto he had shown Jo, and his embrace was tight, enveloping and warm. I felt shielded and safe from my teen years that had been filled with so much pain and desperation.

In late August, Joei’s dad wanted him to live with him on the other side of the state, explaining to me the emptiness he felt without his boy, that the daycare and pre-schools in his area were top-notch and, his folks sorely missed their grandson. I agreed, and we settled on a visitation plan. The gap of his absence left a bit of awkwardness as it does when a child has been the center of conversation and observation between two people. It was as if we were experiencing empty nest syndrome at such an early age.

To our surprise, there was no awkwardness after he left. With Jo now living with his dad, we began to learn more about one another, and there was an uncanny ease to doing so. It was comfortable, effortless and familiar. We shifted into enjoying what was left of summer, which was full of laughs, loves and wonders. Every day seemed like a vacation and the mundane wasn’t ordinary at all. This was the first time in my memory that I looked forward to getting out of bed each morning.

One afternoon, as Kim and I were standing behind our humble little shack, or, if we want to be real here, migrant housing, that sat on several acres of apple orchards his mother Dot owned. We were looking at the flower bed below the kitchen window and talking about how well the flowers had grown over the summer. I looked up to the eves and the pitch of the roof and then slowly turned my face toward Kim’s. I was hit with the strongest case of Déjà Vu I had ever experienced, and it must have shown on my face. I explained to Kim that several years prior I had dreamt of this very scenario, except I couldn’t identify the man in my dream. “It was you” I said. “This whole thing, looking at the flowers and up at the roof, it was with you”. He then told me that the next time we went to his mom’s house, that she had a story that would knock my socks off, and boy, did it ever.

As Dot sat in her stool at the kitchen counter, she recounted a story when Kim was six years old. She was outside hanging laundry on the clothesline and Kim was playing in the yard. Suddenly, a face, plain as day, came across her field of vision. It frightened her so badly that she left the laundry in the basket, scooped up Kim and ran in the house. Her eyes met mine and she uttered “It was your face I saw that day”.

A million tiny needles filled my arms and legs, and my heart jumped into my throat. Dot’s story on top of my dream was a bit too eerie, even for me, but at the same time, confirmed what I had felt deep in my heart about this man. He was my soulmate.

 Our days were filled with barbecues and horseshoes with plenty of friends. Evenings were occasionally spent at parties listening as friends played guitars and harmonicas while everyone huddled next to bonfires. Laughter and talk were abundant.

That year, Kim taught me how to play cribbage and pinochle, and many hours were spent at the kitchen table, just he and I, playing cards with good tunes wafting from the stereo. It was the best times of our lives, and the love that was building inside of me was growing exponentially by the day. I had never felt real love before, and it was amazing, but at the same time completely unsettling. I could feel the safety net surrounding the walls that guarded my heart begin to fall away, and that left me feeling vulnerable. Because of my childhood and teen years, I had built quite a wall around myself, and a part of me was very nervous to let it fall.

We married in November of 1981, at Dot’s home with just a few family members and friends. After the ceremony, we arrived home to a party that was well underway. Before we even pulled into the driveway, we could hear bass thumping from the stereo, and as soon as we walked through the door, cigarette and pot smoke was as thick as fog with everyone shouting and laughing over the tunes. There were a lot of bets taken that night about how long this marriage would last. I think the longest bet was two years, and Kim and I have had a good laugh many times over the years, wishing we could find everyone that placed those bets, because we would own an eighty-foot yacht on the Mediterranean by now.

Our first child came to us in October of 1982, a son, who I wanted to name after Kim. He put his foot down explaining to me that having a name like that in school brought out the bullies, so we chose Nathan. It seemed to fit our little guy to a T. When Nathan was six months old, I had a flashback of a dream I had when I was newly pregnant. The little six-month old tot I was on the floor playing with, was the same child in my dream. Same round face and deep brown eyes. So, that made three. Three eerie predictions in the lives of two people.

The 80’s were a crazy time. Music was blossoming into several genres not heard before, drugs were prevalent, and it seemed like the entire area was a party zone. Kim and I adopted the belief that if we were to die tomorrow, we were going to get as much living as we could fit in, today. It proved to be a most destructive path.

Cocaine was plentiful in the 1980’s, and it seemed everyone in the valley was using it and we were no exception. We had become best friends with another couple, Jay and Dani, who had a daughter Nathan’s age, and the four of us would stay up sometimes two or three days straight, playing cards, snorting coke and taking turns watching the kiddies.

In 1984, I became pregnant again and all partying came to a halt. Dot proposed that we purchase the tract of orchard we were living on, along with another plot of acreage. Kim had been managing both orchards for the last few years and an agreement was made. One of the stipulations from our loan company, FHA, was the shack would have to go. It was to be replaced with either a home or double-wide mobile home. Kim and I were both excited but saddened by this. This little shack was home. It was comfort.

By March of 1984, our humble little home had been torn down and replaced by a brand new double wide. It looked as though a new life was unrolling right in front of us. In June, we welcomed our daughter Erin into the world, and she rounded out our little family perfectly. Nathan absolutely doted on his little sister, playing with her constantly and acting every bit the big brother. Even when I was pregnant, he would giggle wildly when he felt her move in my tummy. I knew they weren’t just going to be siblings; they were going to be best friends. We now owned a home and apple orchards and had two beautiful children. It was idyllic.

In August of that year, despite how well everything was going, we jumped back into the party scene. We were selling massive amounts of cocaine, staying up for 24 hours several times a week and receiving red-carpet treatment at many bars and restaurants, due to the owners being customers of ours. It seemed the kids spent more time with Jay and Dani than they did with us, but we were completely snow blinded.

 I remember one night, there was an altercation at the house when an acquaintance of ours, Vicki, showed us a .38 pistol she had just bought. We were in the back office and Kim excused himself to go to the bathroom, which adjoined the office.

Vicki raised the gun and pointed it towards the bathroom and to my shock, pulled the trigger. I couldn’t believe she would bring a loaded gun into the house. At the same time the gun went off, Kim ran out of the bathroom, his eyes as wide as dinner plates and before we could yell at her for being such an idiot, Vicki ran out of the house double time in complete embarrassment. We never saw her again.

Oddly, the sound of the gun didn’t wake the kids, and Kim and I walked into the bathroom to access the damage. The bullet had gone through the wall, chest level, exactly where Kim would have been standing just seconds before. It went through the opposite wall into the living room and lodged in the stove pipe of our wood stove.

I’d like to add here that Kim was born almost three months premature. At the time, they gave Dot a fifty percent survival rate and Kim, zero. In his teens, he jumped off a twenty-foot high wall of an area they don’t allow diving any longer for obvious reasons and hit a boulder straight on with his head. There was also the time in his late teens, while getting quite inebriated in a local tavern, a Marine punched him in the face throwing him headlong into a pool table, which he moved two or three inches. This was either the luckiest guy on the planet or he had reinforced steel for a skull and an army of Guardian Angels by his side 24/7.

One night in the autumn of 1987, after we had already been up for 24 hours and were working on the second 24, we were out on our deck. We both spotted what looked like the glow from a cigarette in the orchard. Kim and I ran down the deck steps into the pitch-black and as we were running like madmen through the rows, we thought we heard someone running several yards in front of us. After about ten minutes, we gave up, panting and out of breath and went back to the house. I can’t speak for Kim, but I felt like I was just way too high and the whole thing was a figment of my imagination, and I felt embarrassed because I’d gotten so out of control. If someone would have looked in our eyes that night, they’d have tossed us in the loonie bin.

The next morning, I wanted to look in the orchard in the light of day, to see if someone really had been out there. As I neared the area, I spotted a piece of paper on the ground that turned out to be a receipt from one of the local stores dated for the previous day. I also saw three perfect circles evenly spaced in the dirt near the receipt. As I studied it, it came to me that it was the footprint of a camera tripod. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and bounded up the stairs of the deck and blew into the house to tell Kim. My heart was pounding wildly in my ears and I was sure it was going to blow right through my chest.

In the backs of our minds, we knew that by selling coke, we could become a target with the Sheriff’s department. But, as it happens when you’re young, you don’t really think anything bad will happen to you and unfortunately, when you’re using drugs, you just don’t care. Seeing those tripod marks gave us a glimpse of reality, albeit hazy. It is extremely difficult to sort out reality and paranoia when drugs are involved. You try to shake the cobwebs loose, but you still tell yourself it’s not really real, that there just has to be some other explanation. Anything but the stark-naked truth of it.

There had been rumors floating around town for several months about upcoming drug busts. There were a lot of paranoid people out there and they would be more than happy to bend your ear if you’d let them. There hadn’t been any arrests, and other than seeing the receipt and tripod marks, we wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Using illegal substances is a funny business. You know the difference between right and wrong but when you are in the throes of getting high, you seem to toss your moral compass right out the window and damn the consequences.

I remember at one point; we owed our dealer roughly a thousand dollars. My wedding ring had been custom made by a local jeweler, using a diamond from my grandmother’s engagement ring, and I offered it to Jose to hold until we could pay him. We were now using up our profits and it was unlikely I would ever see my ring again.

On an early autumn morning in 1987, a gentleman who introduced himself as Arnie, along with his Golden Retriever Red, arrived at the house. He explained he was working with the local sheriff’s department, heading up a drug task force. We learned that we had been on the watch list for quite some time, and we were currently second on that list for arrest. We also learned that Red wasn’t your garden variety Retriever. He was a drug sniffing canine. Arnie explained that our arrests could mean twenty years in prison for each of us, and most likely foster care for the kids if a family member was unable to care for them. When we mentioned the receipt and marks in the orchard, he verified they were indeed real, that we had been under surveillance for several weeks and plenty of photos had been taken.

To this day, I’m still unsure why he gave us forewarning, but he told us that he was there as a courtesy because he said, “You two have a family and seem like good folks who got caught up in a bad situation”. He was giving us the chance to get our shit together and keep our family intact.

Kim and I took to Arnie right away and we met again several times. There was something likable about him. He was one of those warm individuals that you just felt comfortable around and trusted instinctively.  We told him we planned to get sober and put our lives back on track once again and put all the nonsense behind us. Arnie let us know that time was of the essence and we needed to take care of things right away because drug raids were in the starting gates and once that bell rung, it would be too late. We had already tried two treatment programs to sober up, but it didn’t take long to get right back into the life again once we got out. This time, we just absolutely had to make it work. This was as serious as it got.

During that time, we also received a visit from a woman from the Department of Social and Health Services, who told us that the kids were in danger of being placed in foster care due to our drug use. She knew Arnie, and together they were doing their best to give us the benefit of the doubt. She told us if a family member wanted to, they could apply for a foster care license to avoid our babies going into the court system. Kim’s sister Trudi and her husband Ron did just that. They applied for an emergency foster license and Nate and Erin were placed with them. It was a horrible situation we were in, but the only positive in it was that the kids would be with family in a warm, loving and stable environment during the time it took Kim and I to get our act together.

Because we had been so detached from reality, loan payments on the orchards hadn’t been made in close to a year. Shortly after our initial visits with Arnie and DSHS, the bank took the orchards back. Our mobile home, household items, vehicles and our boat were sold with the proceeds being applied toward the loan. It barely made a dent. Once on top of the world, we’d now been stripped of everything. It’s just you and me against the world Honey.

We loaded our last remaining car, a 1968 Mercury Cougar, with some blankets and a few clothes and stayed with a friend in Chelan for a couple of weeks. We spent those two weeks doing the Pity Party Last Waltz. I think we partied harder in that two weeks than we possibly had in the last three years. We were doing our best not to remember how badly we fucked up. The arrangement with DSHS dictated that we were not allowed to see the kids until we could prove we were off the drugs and could provide a stable home environment. In my opinion, there is no experience worse than losing your children. Material things come and go and don’t mean a thing in the grand scheme, but losing your babies is agonizing.

When we were good and done with our pity party, we began the long walk back to civilization and normalcy. Dot provided us with a single wide trailer in a local trailer park.  We moved in and began new jobs on a road construction crew across the lake. We had no furniture of any kind any longer, so we hit yard sales and second-hand stores when we could afford it, and Dot helped a tremendous amount. After two months, we got Nate and Erin back, and it just can’t be expressed enough, the heavy heart that lifted the first time we were able to visit them. Having them back in our fold was euphoric. This was the first time we had truly been sober in over four years and it felt wonderful. The only black spot was realizing what we’d lost. Not so much in terms of stuff but Kim’s family orchards. His dad died in the spring of 1977 and I know losing those orchards hit Kim particularly hard. I believe he felt he let his father down.

One afternoon there was a knock on our door and when I looked outside, I saw it was our old drug dealer Jose. Kim and I let him and his wife in, and as we talked and explained to him that we were out of the life, I noticed my ring on his pinky finger. I felt a hole open up in my stomach. I couldn’t take my eyes off it and I wanted to say something in the worst way but, what could I say? We still owed him over a thousand dollars and realistically, I couldn’t see getting him paid any time soon. This wasn’t just a ring, it was the diamond from my grandmothers engagement ring that made it special. It meant everything to me. I guess this was one material piece I didn’t want to see go.

Despite us still owing Jose the money, he and his wife were genuinely happy to hear we were on the up and up, and they shared that they were also out of the life, and after a half an hour or so, they left. As I watched them get into their car, the pang of regret hit hard. It would be the first of many to come. A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. Jose had returned, and as he came in, he told us again how happy he was for us and slipped the ring off his pinkie and handed it to me. I could feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to say anything without completely losing it.

        If you’re out there Jose, thank you.

           We’ve made roughly fifteen moves in the last 30 years, with the longest stretch living in the Columbia Basin. While visiting very good friends of ours who lived there, we told each other that we would absolutely never live in the area. We were there nearly thirteen years. Go figure.

Ours has been neither a life of ease nor regularity. We have learned to adapt to virtually every kind of situation and have stood by one another through it all, except for the few times I climbed aboard the crazy train and opted to flake out momentarily. Despite that, my husband took me back in his arms and loved me as if nothing happened. For those of you reading this that know Kim, you know the kind of man he is. People are just drawn to him because there is just a genuineness that is rarely seen anymore.

We’ve had money and been so broke that we counted quarters to get milk. We have both been overweight and rail thin, but one thing that has always remained is the love we have for each other. I’ve only been in love with one man so I have no idea about another couple’s relationship mechanics, but I can tell you the number of times that we have had the same thought at the exact same moment, are too numerous to count.

As a footnote, I’d like to add to the “eerie” dreams, premonitions and other weird stuff; In 2007, Erin was playing around on Ancestry.com and found that my great grandfather and Kim’s great grandfather not only served in the service at the same time, but were in the same regiment. Now, for a girl who moved to Washington State from California to meet her husband, who was born and raised in North Central Washington, thinks that’s the cherry on top of this sundae.

38 years ago, as we sat on the porch steps of that little shack, we’d laugh about the thought of the two of us old and gray, sitting in rocking chairs.

Okay Honey, here we sit, and my love for you is a thousand times more now than it was then. Here’s to the next 38.

[rustedsteele]

Sephyr’s Completed Overhaul: 2017 (2.0)

// Yes, once again I have overhauled the man’s history. If you want an insanely in depth look at an OC, please feel free to read it. I warn you though, it’s over 11,500 words long.

WARNING: This post contains triggering content such as mentions of child abuse, child sexual abuse, drug use, drinking, suicide attempts, actually suicide, character death as well was violence, swearing and almost anything else NSFW. Please read at your own risk.

“No child left behind.” “Children are our future!” “Think of the children!” “How could you do that to a child?” How indeed? Love, nurture, guidance and attention; These are the things parents offer their children in hopes that they might grow up to love and be loved, to give to others and to make their ways in life. A true parent would give anything for their child, anything to keep them safe and happy. But what of untrue parents? Of people who put themselves before their children? What sort of person do they create? Kyle Wilson Steele was born into such a family. Cast from birth into the turgid waters of an already uncertain marriage, Kyle was the final attempt by John and Emily Steele to save their crumbling marriage. While his arrival overjoyed his mother it did very little to calm the swaying seas of rage within John. The gap in the Toronto couple’s marriage had been largely attributed to such a rage and though Emily saw no signs of it subsiding with the new bundle of joy in the home, she hoped he might temper himself in the presence of the small boy. From the time he could understand the concept of pride in a human being, Kyle wanted nothing more than to make his father proud. He would wander through the house, tailing his father in every possible endeavor. Despite repeated rejections from the older man, Kyle was determine to win him over, his childish naivety holding out hope that one day John might crack. Instead he proved only that John had very selective hearing and more often than not preferred to ignore his son rather than spend time with him. When John did notice him the attention was far from loving, but rather more physically violent. Though his mother was aware of the violence she felt there was very little she could do. Unwilling to leave her husband for fear of social ridicule and ending up on the streets, she stood by her man. Shelters in Canada were a reasonably new concept and it was frowned upon to go to one. She comforted Kyle in the aftermath, bandaging his wounds and taking the beatings wherever possible. As Kyle began to develop into a walking, talking six year old his mother began to grow a backbone. In the starting days of his sixth year on the planet, Kyle saw his mother stand up for him for the first time. She pushed back against John’s rage, eventually managing to wear the man down enough to have him leave to cool off. Though this was a small victory for both Kyle and his mother, it also brought new and much worse consequences. After that day, Kyle was introduced to a whole new level of hell. The following night, John stow into Kyle’s room long after his mother had drifted to sleep. Kyle himself had also been asleep, but certainly not for long. He awoke to an overwhelming feeling of dread and concern to find his father looming over him, pants already lowered in preparation. Kyle only had time to process some muttered words before his innocence was stolen in many ways. “You think you’re safe with that bitch?” Kyle experienced this form of torture for five years. At the age of eleven, his mother had taken ill from a bad head cold and his father had used the opportunity to remind her who was in charge. With the need to take power missing, John had no reason to continue his ‘late night visits’ at that time. The beatings returned at the tender age of Eleven, Kyle’s mind already damaged from his Father’s acts of ‘love’. Despite the beatings and other unpleasentries, Kyle grew more and more determined to make his father proud. In his youthful mind when this goal was achieved his father’s temper would be appeased. He believed very strongly that what he received in place of love was largely his fault. Were he able to be the son his father wanted, his father would have no reason to be unhappy with him. He wished this as much for himself as his mother, who he saw as a victim in a storm he created. With his adolescence fast approaching he began to realize he was going to have to change his tactics to fit the mold his father wished for him to fall into. At the age of twelve he began to accompany his father to the dealership and automotive shop his father owned and operated. From the first day he walked in the door he made sure to take a strong interest in the workings of the dealership as well as the technical side of the repairs. He accompanied the head mechanic frequently, learning the twists and turns of an engine. He hoped that proving to his father that he could be trusted to run the shop later in life might bring that pride he burned for out of the older man. Much like his younger days he tailed his father throughout the shop and studied movements silently, only pausing to ask the most important of questions. A year of this tactic did see a decline in the frequency of the abuse. John seemed to take some interest in Kyle as the young man twisted to fit his idea of a son. Every day brought a new challenge, a new bit of the family business that Kyle would need to learn to impress his father. The constant fear of falling out of the man’s good grace kept him actively hunting for information on cars and the things that surrounded them. By the time he entered his thirteenth year John could have safely handed over the dealership with no concerns. Though Kyle was very proud of himself, he still stood at the receiving end of John’s temper whenever it should flair. As he had grown older he had moved to take the full force of said anger, protecting his mother and unborn sibling. Still believing the rage was his own fault he elected not to allow anything to happen to them. Just before he turned fourteen, Kyle welcomed a baby sister into his life. Lillian Jane Steele was the most precious thing he had ever set sights on and he vowed from the moment he was allowed to hold her, John’s wrath and wandering hands would never find her. He would do everything in his power to protect her, even if it cost him his life. He aided his mother wherever possible to look after Lily. He put her to sleep in the afternoon, fed her in the morning, and changed her in the middle of the night when she would cry. He was a model big brother. Three months after her birth, her cry broke out in the middle of the night. It was the third time she had cried that evening and though Kyle was quick to raise from his bed to venture to her room, John was quicker. Holding her firmly out of the crib, John looked furious. With a slow swallow Kyle chanced a few steps forward, suggesting to his father that perhaps he should give Lily to him. John did not reply and instead tensed his arms as though he intended to shake the crying infant. Again Kyle tried, pleading with him and explaining that he could make her stop crying. He told his father that if he could not make Lily stop crying, he would take her for a walk so that John might sleep. Somewhat reluctantly he handed Kyle his baby sister and with a few soothing motions she was sleeping in the young man’s arms. John had long stormed off to bed. After that night Lily was moved into Kyle’s room and it became very rare that John was disturbed by the baby. During the day Kyle still spent time at the dealership and school. School had become less of a priority, taking a back seat to avoiding John’s anger and his protective duties. His grades began to suffer and more and more through his first year of high school he began to feel empty. His responsibilities began to weight on his heavily, his movements and thought process becoming slowed and effort filled. Kyle was unknowingly sinking into depression. He grasped for some solution and made every effort to make friends whom he might be able to confide in. He found only one such individual. Jason ‘Jay’ Handley was a year ahead of Kyle. The two met at the end of Kyle’s first year of High School. Spending the summer together gave Kyle a much needed escape from time to time. He found that the more he got to know Jay, the happier he was able to make himself. Jay introduced him to new people, making Kyle feel included for once. He also introduced him to Rock and Roll. Coming from a non-musical house hold, Kyle had never heard Rock Music. He was introduced in 1971 to David Bowie and The Who and without any hesitation he was hooked on the sound. Immediately he took interest in being able to play the guitar and Jay was more than happy to teach. He was after all the best guitarist in their high school. In the early days of his second year of High School Jay had already managed to teach Kyle how to play basic chords and riffs. He expressed to Kyle that he might have a natural talent for music and this more than pleased the young man. He latched onto the concept of becoming a great guitarist so much he began to take time out of his shop visits to play. This would prove to be a mistake. As his time in the shop became less frequent his father’s rage toward him began to climb once more. Unable to give up music, Kyle began to take the beatings he had received as a child once more, still protecting Lily and his mother. The sexual abuse also dialed right back up and Kyle began receiving nightly visits from his father once more. As soon as John realized why Kyle would slip off so often he banned Kyle from spending time with Jay and his friends outside of school. He also forbid Kyle to play guitar or to listen to Rock and Roll. With frustration mounting between the two Kyle disobeyed his orders, choosing to skip class to play and listen whenever Jay had spare time. He saved up the allowance his mother occasionally threw him, buying himself his first guitar in the summer of 1972. He stored it at Jay’s home, bringing it home only when he was certain his father was out of the house and stashing it under his bed. He had become very skilled with it and had no intention of giving up because his father could not see his talent as a good thing. In the spring of 1973 his father unearthed his guitar, erupting into a fit of rage at the thought that his son had ‘wasted’ hard earned money on such a useless object. Despite Kyle’s pleas for its release, the guitar was burnt in the family fire pit. It was the first time Kyle ever stood up to his father and the first time he ever dared to swing back at the man. When his father got near him, trying to attack him. Kyle struck his father in the face, giving him two black eyes. He received the single worst beating of his life for the trouble. He was warned that if he ever went behind his father’s back that way again he would not survive it. Kyle believed him. He spent the majority of that summer with his father, working in the shop once more and ignoring Jay even when his father wasn’t around. The sexual abuse had shifted gears to happening not only at home, but in the office of the dealership as well. Though Jay suspected Kyle might be from an abusive home, John was a well-respected figure in the community. While Jay’s parents believed him, they also knew how hard it would be to prove that John had done anything. They did in the end call Child Protective Services, but nothing came of it. They did visit Kyle’s home, but found nothing out of the ordinary. John lost his temper when they left, beating Kyle fairly intensely for the trouble he was causing. Upon the release of Queen’s debut album, Jay became completely infatuated with the music. Knowing there was no chance Kyle would be able to resist the music he collected his 8 track and player and waited just down the block from the Chevrotte-Oldsmobile-Cadillac dealership John owned, waiting for Kyle to walk home. As the other passed by him he played the music as loudly as he could, walking right next to him with a hopeful smile. When they were out of sight of the dealership, Kyle paused to listen, instantly rekindling his love of Rock Music. He vowed then that he would play, no matter what it took. Borrowing Jay’s guitar whenever he was able he slowly rebuilt his lost skills. In the summer of 1974 Jay secured tickets to see Queen play live in New York City. Upon request Kyle declined the offer to go, knowing his father would harm him if he were to go. As luck would have it, Kyle’s father planned on attending a conference with GMC for the weekend Queen would be playing. With great effort he managed to get a message to Jay, letting him know that he would be attending. Jay agreed to pick him up and drive him across the border. Telling his mother he would be staying the night at a friend’s home in Mississauga to study, she gave him permission. With John gone Emily saw no reason not to let Kyle enjoy one weekend of freedom. She did not know he was on his way to New York. Seeing Queen live brought Kyle’s ambitious to play music for a living straight to the surface. Watching Brian May play guitar inspired him to pursue his dreams of becoming a Rock Star. When he returned home he would continue to play and when he graduated from High School he would inform his father of his plans to return to school for music and not business. Curiously, during the concert, he felt no fear of how his father might react. He would tell him when the time was right and he had become very good at playing the part of loyal son. Another curious thing happened that evening. While he watched Freddie Mercury own the stage, a feeling struck him which had never done so before. A feeling of attraction. Kyle had long believed he was simply not cut out for a relationship, never feeling any sort of strong attraction to a woman, despite the attention his reasonably good looks afforded him. Freddie, on the other hand, brought a bubbling feeling of wanting straight into his chest. He realized that night that perhaps he was afflicted with what his father called a ‘curse’. Perhaps he was gay. Returning home from the concert found him in more trouble than he bargained for. His father had returned home from his conference early and scolded his mother for allowing Kyle to leave home. His father had seen through his lie and upon discovering that it was Jay he had slipped away to be around, John lost his patience. The decision that his son needed to be put in his place was made. He would see to it that Kyle earned a proper respect for his authority. John pulled Kyle out of school, hiring a private teacher to finish his lessons. He was confined to his room when not in ‘class’ and his meals were highly restricted, all despite Emily’s protests. As an excuse for not feeding him, his father would open his door and gaze in. With a disapproving look he would scoff and tell his son that no one was going to want to date him. He was much too fat for that and in private he would tell him how ‘lucky’ he was that John would even touch him. That he was lucky his father loved him so much. He would allow Kyle scraps every now and then but by the third month of hearing how terrible he looked, Kyle could barely eat. It was during these months that Kyle started to lose all hope for the future. The locks John had placed on the outside of his door made him hopeless. Around the time he stopped eating, Kyle started to attempt to take his own life. Starting with an attempt to cut through the underside of his arm to get to his axillary artery, he was discovered when his father made sudden entrance. Because the cut hadn’t yet been made too deep, Emily bandaged it and everything sharp was removed from Kyle’s room. The next came when he stole a bottle of acetaminophen, which he is allergic too, and swallowed half of the bottle. He was taken to the hospital and it was quietly explained away for him. A closer eye was kept on him and no other attempts could be made. That same year Jay and his parents again called Child Protective Services. They sent another set of investigators to the Steele house, where they found nothing. While Kyle had spoken to the social workers the last time, he refused to do so this time. His fear of John’s wrath was far too great to risk telling them anything. Instead he assured them that home was fine and that he had been pulled from school due to social issues. It was the scripted reply John had given him. They left and did not visit the house again. Kyle finished his classes in the winter of 1975. Even the private teacher had to admit that he was a bright student. Throughout his punishment Kyle had found ways to communicate with Jay, dropping letters from his window into the yard where Jay would go to get them late at night. Return communications came by way of thrown rock in the small hours of the morning. The final reply Kyle received before he stopped seeing Jay was one that explained the other was moving. His father had taken a job a few cities away and Jay wasn’t able to stay. He left a scrap of paper with his new address on it, but both Jay and Kyle knew it wouldn’t be very useful. He was never going to be able to write. At the end of the final note was something Kyle hadn’t expected. Jay had left a guitar with someone they both knew. The instructions were that Kyle should pick it up, if he ever managed to get out of that house. In the late spring of 1976, after a long ‘session’ with John, Kyle finally managed to break the lock on the door to his room with a bag packed to leave. He slipped into Lily’s room, saying goodbye to the toddler, silently wishing he could take her too. He was thankful that as she grew John’s wrath seemed to miss her. She was his little ray of sunshine and though Kyle could not help but feel jealousy bubbling in his chest, he loved his sister too much to hold it against her. Leaving a note on the table explaining that he was leaving, Kyle set off into the night. For seven months he roamed the streets of Toronto, careful to avoid any cars that looked like his father’s or any places his father might spend time. He collected funds by playing outside of bars and theaters, his most common home being just outside of the Royal Alexandria theatre. Though he was unable to save money, he was able to feed himself well enough to stay alive. Eventually news of his talent reached some bar owners who invited him to play for them. He collected more money on those evenings than any other. He would use that money to pay for hotels, sleeping and showering and doing his laundry. One evening just shortly after finishing a show, he took a chance on buying himself something to drink. He knew that he would be renting a hotel room that evening, so being slightly impaired was unlikely to be dangerous. Though he had never had much of a chance to drink, he knew what he liked. Ordering a Scotch on the rocks, he was greeted to a friendly chuckle from beside him. The man sitting at the bar explained that he rarely met people who ordered scotch in Toronto, and that he himself was from England where it was far more common. Introducing himself as Ellis Simpkins, the eighteen year old asked Kyle for his story. He listened intently to the things the slightly older boy had gone through, though Kyle downplayed much of the abuse, completely omitting the sexual aspects. Though Kyle refused to talk about the abuse as anything more than the occasional beating, Ellis could already tell there was much more. As Kyle packed his money form the gig into his guitar case, Ellis asked if he could treat him to dinner sometime. Kyle agreed to meet him the following weekend at a small restaurant down the road. Over the course of the months Kyle remained out on the street, he was subjected to many different tortures. The weather alone was enough to break a man’s spirit but combined with the fact that he was still only nineteen, he found himself in a lot of trouble. Attention from older men became a serious issue, especially when he was unable to find an escape. Beatings from both fellow homeless people and anti-homeless attackers became a constant threat as well as the ability to find the smallest amounts of food to sustain himself. He spent the majority of his time in hiding, trying to keep himself safe. The next time that Kyle met Ellis, the younger man explained that he was a student from England. He had come to Toronto to study acting with the intention of returning to England to finish his education later. He was from a somewhat aristocratic family and thus had enough money to buy Kyle whatever food he wanted. He was shocked to see how little the other ordered. The trend of meeting Ellis for dinner continued every weekend until the two became very good friends. In the mid-summer of 1977 Ellis intended to return to England for the summer to see his family. He offered to take Kyle with him, free of charge if the other wished it. With no hesitation Kyle agreed. Getting out of Toronto seemed like the perfect way to begin his recovery from the things his father had done. Two days later they were on a plane, arriving in London seven hours later to be driven to a very lovely looking country estate. Upon arrival at the estate, Ellis introduced Kyle to his parents, Adam and ‘Lizzy’ Simpkins. In an instant he was accepted into their family. Kyle did not trust Adam when he arrived. He was much too afraid he would turn out to be like his father, but after the first month he found that Adam’s constant joy at life won him over. Lizzy was just as optimistic and supportive. They loved Ellis and they seemed to love Kyle like their own which was an odd concept to Kyle. After five months they offered to adopt him to give him dual citizenship, allowing him to stay with them whenever he wanted. He agreed, semi-officially becoming a Simpkins. Ellis and Kyle spent almost a full year in London, becoming very close. Ellis even began to refer to him as his brother with the adoption pending. Over their time there Kyle discovered that on top of being a brilliant actor, Ellis was an amazing singer as well. With his octave range and the young Canadian’s guitar ability, there were murmurs of a band being formed when the two were to return to Toronto for Ellis’ continued schooling. Moving back into the small apartment Ellis had been living in for his previous adventure in school, he offered the second room to Kyle free of charge. The older man readily accepted and the two began to write songs together. It took very little time for the two to decide the band might just be the way to go. Kyle met their drummer, Roy McCormik while wandering the suburbs one evening. The quiet taping against a hollowed bucket drew his attention and the handsome red-head did the rest. It would turn out that Roy had been playing the drums for years, starting out in Cadets as a marching drummer. Kyle inquired if he might join the band and after the three men got to know each other, a drummer was added. Roy could be a hot head, quick on the draw but Kyle found him enduring. The two had an up and down relationship but there was no denying his drumming ability. He was exactly what they needed. Andre Hilsing, the bassist, would come a few months after Roy. Ellis often found himself attending open mic nights at local pubs, while Kyle would stay home and play his guitar. Kyle had decided to continue practice and only try for paying shows while the band was in formation. He continued to write songs, hoping that when the band was complete they might have a chance at becoming famous. While attending one of these open mic events, a young and energetic bassist took the stage, managing to rally the crowd with no accompaniment. Intrigued, Ellis approached him after the show and invited him to join himself and the rest of his budding band. Andre readily accepted and the raven-haired man was added to the band. While out on his own, Kyle took it upon himself to start the exploration of his sexuality. He began to hear whispers of ‘Gay Bars’ in the area. Late in the evening when Ellis was either busy studying or asleep, Kyle would slip out and visit these bars, meeting up with several others exploring their sexuality. One of those men was Gregory LeClair. Greg was a one night stand, originally. Kyle made the mistake of spending the night in the abandoned house they had slept together in and in the morning spent another hour or two with Greg. The decision to stay in contact and become friends with benefits was made. It was 1978 when the band began playing shows locally. Kyle’s former local reputation had given them an in at the pubs in the area. It took a little over a year for the small group to be noticed but when they were, there was no doubt they were going to be big. While scouting for new talent for Attic Records, a Canadian record company associated with London Records, a man by the name of Murray Smith heard the band play together. After the show he asked for their contact deals and if they might be interested in coming out to the office to be seen by an executive. They readily agreed. Murray informed then the Band would need an official title and it was decided that evening the band would go under the name All Hail. After meeting with record officials the band was signed and locked into recording agreement. They started working on their first album straight away, generating interest in the musical community through Murray’s efforts to hype the band. They were given a recording space in Scarborough by Attic Records and the boys found themselves using it as a second home. They worked tirelessly to produce the best sound possible and with Kyle as the primary song writer heading the band, songs were well on their way to being released. In the midst of the band’s possible success, Kyle made the choice to change his name from the birth name he was given. In January of 1979 he changed his name from Kyle Wilson Steele to Sephyr Lukas Steele. Choosing Sephyr because he liked the sound, Lukas after his great grandfather on his mother’s side, and retaining his surname in honor of his mother. Despite the fact that the woman had done nothing to stop his father’s actions, she had in Sephyr’s mind, been kind to him. There was no argument from the band, nor from Gregory, concerning the name change. In the spring of 1979 All Hail released their first album. With nine track totalling just under a half an hour of music, ‘The Trouble with Love’ rose very quickly to being a very popular album over Canadian radio stations. The band was well on their way to being famous. With their first major injection of money, all four members began to realize what they might have there. By the winter of 1980 they had released their second album, ‘Inspire’. Their song ‘Late Night Instinct’ knocked the rolling stones from the top of the Canadian charts for three weeks solid, making them the most popular rock band of 1980. With their new found fame came the need for a tour. A tour bus was purchased and the crew was well on their way to what would amount to being a roughly twelve year long career. Though the band stayed close together through their time on the road, an internal struggle began to war inside of Sephyr. Coming out to the band was not an option in his mind. To him, the homophobia that he had grown up with in his youth was the view of the majority and risking it was certainly not in his interest. In the early 80’s it was very rare for any celebrity to be ‘out’ and Sephyr had no intention of starting the trend. With his only option to hide, he began to seek relationships outside of the lime light. One night stands with men and a few short-term relationships began, always in secret. Nothing ever seemed to last. Either Sephyr was away too much of the other party was interested in telling people. Sephyr spent most of the tours hoping from person to person while avoiding looking to suspicious by escorting a few women to hotel rooms now and then. He would pay for them to sit with him before exiting the scene, never letting on to the band. He continued to see Greg, but he had made it clear from the start that he had no interest in a long term relationship. In early 1880, at the end of their first tour a call came through to the hotel the boys were staying at. They were informed by the Toronto Police that someone had broken into the rehearsal space. They had made off with several guitars, a bass, some drums and several thousand dollars’ worth in recording equipment. Devastated, the band limped home following their final show of the tour. They dealt with insurance agencies and the media. Sephyr found himself extremely glad that he never traveled without the guitar Jay had given him. In 1982, Sephyr’s biggest dream came true. During the second tour the band ventured on, which followed the release of their third album ‘Antique Story’, the band was set to be playing a music festival along-side Sephyr’s idols. Sephyr was beside himself with the thought of having the opportunity to meet the members of Queen. The day they arrived they were given the set list and a shiver of fear ran through each member of the band. They were set to play ‘after’ Queen. Discussing it among themselves it became clear that if they played after Queen no one was going to remember who they were. It wasn’t that they weren’t already somewhat famous, but this was Queen they were talking about. All three of the other band members volunteered Sephyr to speak to the much more famous band about changing places. Sephyr reluctantly agreed to do it, locating Brian May first. Anyone who knows anything about Brian May knows that he is, without a doubt, a diva. Brian was never overly pleased with the concept of things not going smoothly and as Sephyr approached him he certainly found that out. Brian was not happy with the idea of changing the placement of the bands right before the show and before Sephyr could escape he was being yelled at by his idol. Just when it seemed like Sephyr might actually cry, the grace and beauty of Freddie Mercury arrived on the scene. It took only a touch of his hand on Brian’s lower back and a carefully placed ‘Darling, I think Roger could use a hand, don’t you?’ before Brian was wandering away grumbling. Freddie’s attention turned to Sephyr, a bright smile on his features. ‘What can I do for you, Darling?’ Freddie and Sephyr spent almost an hour chatting, Freddie explaining that he had sampled All Hails music and enjoyed their songs and sound. He hinted at suspecting the band had the potential to forge themselves in music history, a compliment which filled Sephyr with joy. Sephyr managed to slip into the conversation that Queen’s music was all that had given him the motivation to play in the first place, which Freddie accepted as a huge compliment as well. All in all, meeting his hero and first crush certainly hadn’t left Sephyr with any regrets. The bands were changed and from the moment Sephyr left his conversation with Freddie, he was distracted. When the front man for Queen would stride by, Sephyr’s eyes would tunnel on him. Though he explained that he was just a fan when his friends pressed him, Ellis believed there was something more. Though Sephyr would never admit it, it had taken everything in him not to ask Freddie to get a cup of coffee. Sephyr was lucky enough to meet Freddie several more times during his career. In the summer of 1983, the band returned to their Toronto workspace to begin work on their newest album. The band had only just released ‘Antique Story’ the year before, an album which while preforming well on the charts, the band was not happy with. Upon regrouping the boys made the choice to construct a concept album. Originally titled ‘The Threshold’, the band kept this album under their belts for the most part. Initially they gave their label very little sampling to work with, choosing to make this music only for themselves. Just before Christmas of that year, the first three tracks were sent to Attic Records. Upon returning from Christmas vacation, the band finally heard word on their album. Attic Records had seen the album as too ‘experimental’ for the early eighties, telling the band to ‘return to their roots’ or risk being cut off. This was seen as something of a devastating blow was Attic had always treated the band reasonably. Sephyr, Andre, Ellis and Roy all agreed that the album was headed in the direction they wanted and were unwilling to change it. This would lead to All Hail leaving Attic, and ultimately London Records in favor of a bold new plan. They were going to start their own label. Working all through the start of 1984, Sephyr and Ellis began the preparations for opening their own record label. They worked tirelessly from London where both Sephyr and Ellis had decided to retreat to be with family. Roy and Andre were invited as well, but only spent a few weeks at the Estate. With Sephyr’s business sense it was clear that he would have no issues navigating the complex world of business. As soon as the label was established, he hired someone to look after it for them. They were self-produced by the fall of 1984, releasing their album under a new title: ‘Free At Last’. Steele Records became All Hail’s primary recording label. The night after the first show of the band’s fourth tour, the boys decided to take a break at a bar they had played at years before. Once inside and a drink or two in, Sephyr noticed a man across the bar who looked familiar. Too familiar. John Steele was sitting just feet from him and that made his blood run cold. When John noticed him, a verbal altercation began. John called his son some derogatory term, Sephyr fired it back at him. John called into question Sephyr’s name and inability to hold down a girlfriend, which made Sephyr feel rather small. Though he managed some decent comebacks the rescue came in the form of his band members, who along with the crowd yelled over John. The older man stormed from the bar after throwing some more myopic insults in Sephyr’s direction. As the tours pressed on and new albums were released, Sephyr found the depression from his youth creeping back into his life. The constant stress of hiding himself began to take a toll, as well as the very demanding schedule of being a Rock Star. Memories of the things his father did began to surface where he thought he might have pushed them out causing painful flashbacks and cases of crippling fear. By 1985 Sephyr was so far into his own mentality he began to drift away from his band members. Even Ellis, who he still regarded much like a brother, became something of a threat to him. He began to reach out for any coping mechanism while keeping his band mates at arm’s length. Drinking became a norm for him, and after a party in the summer of that year, so did drugs. Heroin had been the drug of choice in New York City in the mid-80’s. With Sephyr spending a fair amount of time at record parties and tour meetings, he found himself in New York a fair amount. While spending time with some ‘friends’ in the industry, Sephyr was offered something many of these ‘friends’ considered the cure for pain. Though he had been repeatedly warned about the dangers of street drugs, he took it. He was desperate to feel anything but the misery he’d been trapped in for so many years. The Heroin did the trick, but he was dragged into a torrent of addiction. Coupled with his already uncontrolled alcohol abuse, it was a recipe for disaster. 1986 became a very interesting year for Sephyr when he met a woman by the name of Cassidy Jones. ‘Cas’ as he often called her was a charming woman with a bright future in stage management. They hit it off, publicly ‘dating’ for seven months of that year. They had disclosed to each other one drunken night their sexualities. Cas was a lesbian trapped in a world run by men, Sephyr a gay man trapped in a work of stigma. They relationship ended in January of 1987 when Cassidy met her future wife, Karen. Sephyr was once again publicly on the market, though now received even more female attention than he had before. Over time, Sephyr would struggle to maintain relationships even more than he had before. He had lost contact with Greg after a drunken night out which resulted in his losing his entire contact book. He lost all of the contacts he kept there, unable to remember Greg’s current address or phone number. By the time he remembered where he had been, Greg had already moved on. Becoming the master of the secret one night stand, he began seeking out men more than he had before. Any attempt at a relationship was set aside and while Roy found a wife and Ellis carried a string of girlfriends, Sephyr would never speak of his relations. He continued to remain in the closet with no intention of ever outing himself. The loss of Greg plagued him, as he was finding himself very fond of the other. In very early 1988, Sephyr’s suicide attempts reared their ugly head once more. He began to try to swallow pills, cut under his arms and even once attempted to hang himself. One evening out of fear for his adoptive brother’s life, Ellis was forced to call the local police and inform them of Sephyr’s intention of self-murder. He was taken into custody and held for three days, during which the Heroin in his system was discovered. He was sent to rehabilitation, but checked out only two days in. He warned Ellis that if he ever chose to go behind his back in that way again, Sephyr would never speak to him again. In 1989, Andre returned to the tour bus with the intention of gathering some drinks for an after party. When he arrived there he found Sephyr in serious trouble. He had overdosed slightly on his drug of choice, becoming lethargic and very, very ill. Without hesitation he dropped his drinks, curling up on the bed with his friend, holding him through the night until Sephyr was stable in the morning. Before the rest of the band arrived Sephyr ended up kissing Andre and the two began a quiet relationship without Ellis or Roy knowing. They were more than happy together, but as most things in Sephyr’s life it was not meant to be. In 1990 Ellis returned early from a party, intending to sleep. What he found was Andre and Sephyr in bed together. Mortified, Sephyr stormed from the tour bus, hiding out for several days in a hotel. When he returned he made the Band swear to secrecy. He made it very clear that he did not want to be outed and that if anyone were to out him it would be the end of their friendship. Each member agreed to keep his secret and the band carried on as before. Sephyr broke it off with Andre, explaining that though he certainly had feelings for him, it would not do the band any good for it to carry on. 1991 was a productive year for All Hail. The tour they had been on wrapped up and the next one was in the works, they had just released what would come to be their final album: ‘Deconstruction’. Sephyr and Ellis had gone home to the UK to see their family, resting after a very long time away. The brothers took the time to try to bond again, Ellis attempting to get Sephyr to tell him about what might have happened in his youth. While the two did get close again, Sephyr’s drug addiction kept them apart. They were set to return back to Canada in December of that year, but bad news found Sephyr before they left. Roger Taylor had contacted Sephyr directly in late November, telling him it was important that they got together. Sephyr agreed to meet him in private and was given the worst news of his life. Freddie Mercury had lost his fight with AIDS. Sephyr had never been one to cry in company, but at the news that his truest love and his biggest idol Sephyr had broken down in meeting with Taylor. They comforted each other, both knowing Freddie on a personal level. Sephyr thanked him for giving him the news directly. Eventually Sephyr left him, picking up from a dealer on his way back to the country estate. He locked himself in his room for several days, remaining high to try to quell the pain he felt. Eventually Ellis managed to get into the room, comforting him as well. Ellis wasn’t certain Sephyr would survive it, but with his brother’s help he did indeed manage not to kill himself. The following year, the members of the All Hail attended a party hosted by Aerosmith. Steve Tyler had become very good friends with Sephyr over the years and the members of both bands did get along fairly well. While the eight men sat around a table drinking, an already impaired Ellis let slide the secret he had been holding onto for a year. Outing Sephyr lost the man most of his friends (With the exception of the band and Steve) and very nearly went public. Thanks to some very carefully place phone calls the news was kept private and Sephyr was free to address Ellis directly. Sephyr told Ellis that as of that day he no longer wanted to see him. He informed the other members of the band that he would be leaving and that if they wished to they could replace him with another guitarist. He took the next flight back to Toronto, buying a small living space downtown. He took several months to think his decision over, understanding that his anger for Ellis was only going to make working with the man to difficult. The band insisted that without Sephyr there was no All Hail, and thus the decision to break the band up was made. Steele Records announced the end of All Hails reign in December of 1992. The record label would continue under Sephyr’s supervision, signing talented Canadian artists. During the months the changeover was happening at the label, Sephyr came back into contact with Andre. The bassist insisted that they maintain their friendship. It didn’t take long for the two to be back into a serious romantic relationship, Andre moving back to Toronto to be with Sephyr. During their time living together, Sephyr purchased a plot of land outside the city of Toronto. One-hundred and sixty-eight acres of land located just above High Point Road. He and Andre spent months designing a house for themselves and their friends to live and party in. By the time the design was finished the house was comically big. Andre insisted it be built and who was Sephyr to argue? Work was stared only weeks after the plans were completed. In 1995 Sephyr received a letter from someone he hadn’t been expecting to hear from. His sister Lily had contacted him in her twenty-fifth year. He had expected Lillian to avoid him for the rest of their lives and hearing from her made him both happy and distraught. The letter explained that his father had spun Lily some tale about a fight over the family business. She knew nothing of the abuse that Sephyr had suffered and as he would come to find out, considered their father to be a good and honest man. With no intention of breaking this perception, Sephyr began to communicate with Lily. Even with Andre’s love, Sephyr could feel his depression consuming him. His drug addiction had become worse than ever despite all of Andre’s attempted help to get him back on track. Memories from his time at home and the months he spent on the street had consumed him and driven him away from Andre. Though they still spent time together, Andre’s constant worry about Sephyr’s eating habits and drug use kept them distant. Their love for each other would keep them together for close to three years, during which time the work on the mansion was completed and the two moved into it together. Like all things in Sephyr’s life, this brief ‘easy’ period would not last for long. On a stormy evening in October of 1996, a fight broke out between the two lovers. Sephyr had taken too much of his chosen substitute drug, Oxycodone and had nearly overdosed. Upon his sobering up Andre argued with him which eventually lead Sephyr to storm out of the house and disappear into the night. Fearing that his lover might do serious damage to himself, Andre went after him. In the rain the roads were hard to see and when a dip in the road caused pooling, Andre found himself hydroplaning. Without the ability to regain control the car was pitched from the road and totaled. Andre was killed on impact. Upon his arrival to the mansion, Sephyr was greeted by a young police constable by the name of Isaac McQue. He informed Sephyr of Andre’s death and a funeral was planned. The entire band and most of their friend attended with Ellis attempting to offer consolation. Sephyr offered his apology to each member of the band, including Ellis before returning to his mansion where he locked himself away for nearly eight months. In the late summer of 1997 Sephyr once again emerged from his hiding place. He returned to his social settings, making frequent appearances at parties and social events to which he was invited. He even put out a solo album dedicated to Andre. It was called ‘Orchids’ and while it was only seven songs long it was the first time anyone had heard Sephyr sing commercially. He chose only to sing the title track, and invited friends in the industry to sing the other six tracks. In his spare time, he began to find men to spend time with. He rotated between a numbers of them and labelling them as ‘friends with benefits’. His drug addiction fluctuated with his mood allowing him rare near-sober moments while his depression only worsened without Andre. In the winter of that year he began to self-harm as he had when he was a teen, cutting lines in his ribs. In his mind he considered it to be his punishment. For now he thought the pain might stop him from killing himself. It only worked some of the time. In the early 2002, Sephyr met a man named Henry. While out at an after party, he found himself sitting next to another sad-looking individual. The two men talked all night, laughing at each other’s terrible jokes. Sephyr found out that Henry wasn’t even in the industry. He was someone’s brother who had been dragged along for moral support and left behind as the drinks flowed. Through a few well-placed flirts Sephyr figured out that Henry was interested and the two decided that a one night stand couldn’t hurt. Of course it became more than that. The men began a quiet relationship, each working hard to help each other through their own issues. Henry had been abused by his grandfather, though only in a physical beating sense. Sephyr never told Henry what he went through and eventually the other man realized that whatever Sephyr was going through was too much for him. He left Sephyr in December of 2002. The Rock Star took it surprisingly well, seeing it coming many months before. In 2003 Sephyr had a string of several relationships. None worked out. All of his exes left a poor taste in his mouth and it became clear that Sephyr wasn’t cut out for dating. He began to see men short-term, making certain that nothing they said lured him into a relationship. For several months the Rock Star did nothing but drink, shoot up and sleep with men. He was still careful not to be outed, seeking only men who were either able to keep a secret or in the closet themselves. He spent a solid two years doing just that, only returning home when he required a long rest. The first break in at the mansion occurred in 2004 when Sephyr was asleep in his room. He had cleaning staff who discovered the intruder locked in a closet he had mistaken to be Sephyr’s, but was in fact the room that friends used on the rare occasion they stayed. It was an ex of Sephyr’s, Corey White. He was carrying a knife with him. Sephyr never got a clear answer as to what he wanted, but he assumed it wasn’t anything good. This dark chapter of his life continued until 2005 when Sephyr awoke from a drunken night on the town in his own bed. At the age of 48 Sephyr was certainly starting to feel the effects of his no food, all drink all drugs lifestyle. Trying to get himself out of bed was a chore, even with the added motivation of the need for a fix. As he tried to sit up he barely noticed the door opening and when the new figure in his life appeared, it was a very confusing moment. In his doorway stood a man in a suit with a tray of coffee and biscuits, as the butler in the Simpkins house had for Adam every morning. Baxter Abbott was a young Englishman Sephyr had apparently hired while drunk. Though he could not remember doing so his signature was on the man’s contract. Sephyr protested that he did not been a butler, and was swiftly corrected. Baxter was a Valet. He did not serve a household like a butler, but rather a single person. Just Sephyr. Again Sephyr protested but Baxter insisted he was told that Sephyr would say these things. Black coffee in hand Sephyr stepped out into the mansion to see that it was spotless. He elected to let the young man stay, if only for now. For the most part during the start of their time together Sephyr would be out of the mansion. When he was home he was if nothing else, aloof. He would hardly say a word to Baxter. They exchanged minor conversation when Baxter would bring him food. It was very rare that Sephyr would touch it, though not for lack of enjoyment. Less rare would be the outburst of anger or sadness Baxter was subject to. The drugs and drink made Sephyr temperamental and the mounting depression of having lost everything repeatedly had certainly taken a toll. Baxter was fortunate enough to stop two suicide attempts, but was unable to escape some threats and thrown objects in fits of rage. When he was nearly struck in the arm, he drafted resignation papers to be handed to Sephyr the next time he was sober. Before Baxter could give his letter of resignation to Sephyr something very interesting changed his mind. While preforming some of his more routine duties, Baxter came into contact with two guests at the mansion. Both men had been using cocaine and were in no way reasonable. When Baxter refused to perform some trivial task, his resignation making him slightly braver than he had been in past months, the men turned aggressive. The two of them began to shoat at Baxter. Both of them were large men and began to approach the Valet with malicious intent. Neither of them realized that Sephyr was on his way down the stairs to meet them. As they backed Baxter into a corner one man took a swing at him. This was all the motivation Sephyr needed. With a speed he had never displayed inside the mansion Sephyr was behind the man who swung. He took his arm as the other reset to take another swing, throwing him with force into the second man now making threatening gestures. He stood between the men and Baxter, a glare like no other on his features. He informed the men that there were no longer welcomed in his home and that they could find someone else to do business with. He made it clear that if he ever saw them again, he would kill both of them. They fled and were never seen again. Sephyr made certain that his Valet was safe and alright. He also told Baxter never to let someone push him around. He told the Valet that he answered only to Sephyr and that no one else had the right to tell him what to do. He then thanked Baxter for doing an amazing job before returning to his room for the remainder of the evening. Baxter tore up the letter of resignation, realizing that the man he was living with was not Sephyr Steele, but rather what the drugs turned him into. 2006 brought the first of many visits to the mansion for Lillian Steele. Sephyr hadn’t invited his sister, but hadn’t told her not to come either. Her arrival fell close to the holiday and she invited Sephyr to the family dinner for Christmas. Though he loathed the thought of seeing his father again, he hadn’t seen his mother in close to thirty years. He reluctantly accepted the invitation and went. Overall the dinner went well. John remained on his best behaviour around his daughter. It was when Lily stepped out to help her mother that things became concerning. John started at his son with an opening line to the effect of ‘you’ve gotten fat’ and a verbal argument ensued. Both kept the vocal level quiet so as not to alert the girls, but the argument was heated none-the-less. Upon his return to the mansion Sephyr found Baxter in the kitchen drinking sherry. Joining him with his own scotch Sephyr settled in, talking a bit about his night. The two got on the subject of family and Baxter opened up slightly to Sephyr about some of his experiences, though he was very vague on the details. Sephyr opened up more and more as he drank, eventually telling Baxter much of what had happened. By the morning the two felt the understood each other slightly better, though neither really talked about the conversation. In 2007 Murray, who had maintained at least fleeting contact with Sephyr since his departure from All Hail, sent word to the mansion that he was having a daughter. Ashley Smith was born a few months later, Sephyr getting several updates a month on her condition. It became clear very early on that Murray and his wife had not been ready for the stress of children, or at least his wife hadn’t been. The situation became worse when she fell pregnant again, giving birth in 2009 to their second child, Emma. Murray’s wife left the picture shortly after that, leaving the band manager with two small children to raise and a full time job. His situation became dire very quickly. Choosing to believe in his friend’s judgment, Murray asked Sephyr if the girls could stay at the mansion during his long business trips. After speaking to Baxter on the subject it was agreed that the girls would be well cared for by the staff at the mansion and that Sephyr would stay far away from the girls while under the influence. He agreed to the terms and the girls began to come around the mansion several times a month. They would spend days at the mansion while Murray was away, during which time Sephyr would move his stash out of the house. He would not use anywhere the girls could see or get their hands on his drugs and he made certain to maintain only a base-level high while around them. The girls grew up never knowing their ‘Uncle Sephyr’ was a drug user. During the second two years of Baxter’s employment, Sephyr was heavily suicidal. From 2005 onward his attempts to take his own life not only became more frequent, but more desperate. He began storing pills he knew himself to be allergic too in order to overdose. He also began cutting much deeper into his own ribs and upper arms. The only reason his wrists were spared was his fear of losing his ability to play guitar, should he survive. Baxter became accustomed to stopping these attempts which usually took place in the mansion. Sephyr believed that if he was going to die it should be at home, where he was less likely to cause someone who was not expecting it misery. He had warned Baxter straight out that he would one day find Sephyr’s body. Baxter began to track his employer’s movements and even went so far as to begin sleeping in the guest rooms around Sephyr’s room. The mansion remained silent when Sephyr was not playing music and the slightest noise in the night could wake the Valet. The thwarted several attempts just in his first three years. In March of 2008, Baxter’s choice to stay with Sephyr in the mansion would come full circle to bite him. During an evening where Sephyr’s temper had flared the Valet had been warned to stay away from him. While trying to ensure that the Rock Star did not kill himself, Baxter pushed his way into the room. From his place on the bed Sephyr began to berate the other, throwing a glass in the man’s direction. He missed entirely on purpose and Baxter called his bluff. Intending only to scare him a little further Sephyr threw a plate in Baxter’s direction. This object made contact, striking Baxter in the head. He was cut very deeply on left side of his head, just around his hairline. Sephyr actually managed to get himself out of bed to call the emergency services, pressing a towel to Baxter’s head with no words but ‘I’m so sorry’. When Baxter was discharged from the hospital he returned to the mansion. He did not press charges, despite many people close to him insisting that he should do so. He explained that in a way it had been his own fault, indicating very heavily that he was either seeing something in Sephyr others were not, or he had adapted to an abusive environment. He returned to his duties and told Sephyr that if something like that ever happened again, there would be charges and he would leave. Sephyr continues to apologies for this act to this day and has never forgiven himself. He no longer throws things at Baxter, or anyone else for that matter. Later that year Sephyr met yet another woman. Annabelle Bowen was a smart young girl who was down on her luck. She met Sephyr in a bar, where Sephyr usually met people. They talked and exchanged numbers after Sephyr informed her that he could help her. She was struggling to look after her aging mother on a single income. Sephyr paid a year of her Mother’s healthcare costs. Anna asked him on a date, which he declined for several weeks before admitting his sexuality to Anna in a heated discussion. She was understanding and offered to date Sephyr outwardly with no strings attached. Sephyr agreed to this and Anna moved into the mansion for several months. Their relationship ended on good terms with Anna retaining a key to the mansion and a solid friendship with Sephyr. In late 2009 Sephyr discovered that Baxter was not who he seemed to be. The man came from an upper-crust English family related in marriage to the royal family themselves. Baxter was not the man’s real name though Sephyr honestly never asked for his real one. Baxter was being hunted by his former family as he had run from them without a word of where he was going. The only reason that this matter came to Sephyr’s attention in the first place was the need Baxter expressed for him to know that should his anyone with the surname ‘Herbertt’ should ever ask for him, Sephyr was not to tell them where he had gone. Sephyr had agreed to these terms, knowing all too well the need to be away from an abusive family. It was only a few months after they had discussed this that Baxter told Sephyr that he knew his family to be looking for him. They would find him based on his visa, which was in his legal name. Sephyr knew then and there that Baxter would need to disappear. Though the Rock Star had a lot of money, he found that there were somethings it couldn’t buy. The men that Sephyr dealt with had little use for more money. Sephyr was already buying their high-priced poison. The deal that was struck to make Baxter’s identity in England disappear, re-forming him as a Canadian citizen was a two year plan, during which Sephyr was not allowed to pay his debt in bulk. He entered into a deal with his dealer that he would continue to use for at least two years and that he could only buy from him. There were other acts that Sephyr was subjected to, but he hardly saw it as anything new. This sort of abuse had gone on his entire life. Sephyr told Baxter to wait it out and not to worry about his visa. Everything was in hand. 2010 saw the opening of several homeless shelters in Toronto. Reporters struggled to locate the person responsible for the building of the shelters but could not find them. Sephyr had paid for them through a shadow company he had linked to Steele Records. He had used names of employees and completely struck his own from the records, making certain the media could not accuse him of doing it for the press. Sephyr had decided that his money needed to be worth something and through planning with several financial advisors, Sephyr created a four-year plan to make the shelters self-sufficient. He volunteers behind the scenes when he is feeling up to it. In 2011 Sephyr had the distinct pleasure of handing over a Canadian Passport and proof of citizenship to the now legally named ‘Baxter Abbott’. He never spoke to Baxter about the prices he paid for the services. It was at that moment that Baxter fully understood what sort of person his employer was. He would come to work even harder than he had before, were that even possible. Sephyr and Baxter had become friends over the six years the Englishmen had been working in the mansion. He had come to be one of few people that Sephyr could trust. Also in 2011 came the second break in. The mansion was broken into by a fan who wanted Sephyr’s autograph. The man was not mentally well and posed a threat to staff and Sephyr himself. It was after this occurrence that Sephyr began to consider hiring a proper security team. He had his hired goons, but he was unsatisfied with their ability to protect Baxter. He began his search for a security guard, which concluded in 2012 with the meeting of a man called Sawyer Thulus. Sawyer was a Veteran of the War in Afghanistan. He had been deployed with Canadian Forces from 2005 to 2010 as an Air Force Pilot. He had flown in over twenty missions and over eighty training experiments and was widely considered by his fellow soldiers to be one of the Forces’ best pilots. He was shot out of the sky during the Marja Offensive in 2010. By the time Sephyr met him in 2012, Sawyer was homeless. When his plane had gone down Sawyer had been seriously injured. He had lost vision in his left eye and gained a massive and unsightly scar. It gave him little chance of finding work easily. He was considered too young to collect his military pension and had run out of money quickly. The two met by chance on night after Sephyr finished signing some paperwork at the shelter. It had been a long while since Sephyr had managed to drag himself down there to actually work so he was behind. Leaving late after the soup kitchen had closed he bumped shoulders with the retired soldier. After a brief chat Sephyr offered to buy him dinner and make sure he got a spot inside that night. Sawyer happily agreed. As the other ate Sephyr asked questions about his time in the military, about the things he had been trained to do and about his mental health. When the meal was finished Sephyr asked Sawyer if they could meet up again sometime. They met several more times before Sephyr offered him a job as a head of security. Sawyer accepted the job and moved into the mansion fairly quickly. Upon Sawyer’s arrival in the spring of 2012, Sephyr gave him an enormous task. He gave the man an unlimited budget and asked to secure the mansion. Sawyer hired a security team and installed hundreds of cameras. He had a fence built around the property and a lockdown system added to every door and window on the mansion. He also rebuilt Sephyr’s room as a safe room. All in all Sawyer spent a little over four million dollars to have the mansion secured. Sephyr was very impressed, as was Baxter. It was around this time that Sephyr met Skyler Martin. Sky was everything he’d ever dreamed of. He was kind, considerate and passionate about his craft in auto restoration. They met when Skyler insisted on walking Sephyr home from a café, concerned that he might hurt himself. The two became fast friends and were soon romantically involved. Sky loved Sephyr more than anyone had ever loved him. He put months of effort into helping him find ways to get out of his addiction and depression. At the time, however Sephyr’s insecurities were forcing him to push Sky away. The Rock Star had developed feelings for Skyler and while he longed for the meaningful relationship he knew Sky would give him he feared that he would come to hurt the other. He was a danger to himself and to others at that stage of his life and he was not prepared to injure Sky. It took until mid-2013 for Sky to finally hit his breaking point. They parted on rocky terms, Sephyr holing himself away inside the mansion once more. In 2014 Sephyr was contacted by a young lady by the name of Victoria Clark. The woman had followed Sephyr’s career through her father and had interest in making his life story her next writing project. She requested to come to the mansion for an interview, but received an even better offer in reply. Murray and Baxter had urged Sephyr to reach out to her and have her come to the mansion to write his biography. He offered her a salary and a place to stay, which she accepted readily. By the time Victoria arrived at the mansion it was clear she was going to have her work cut out for her. The first two interviews she conducted with Sephyr gave great insight into the man, but also into how guarded he was. He would tell stories, but leave each detail out. When pressed further he would change the subject. He arrived stoned and nearly incoherent to his third interview. Victoria handled it with grace, turning off her personal camera and sitting with him. She explained that he might consider getting help, but she was blown off. Victoria has now been living at the mansion for several months. Though Sephyr has been speaking with her, he has yet to seek any help for his issues. He continues to push his friends and family away while attempting to end his life. He has a hard time making friends, but continues to work very hard to improve the lives of people around himself. He invests his money wherever it will help.

[jiora]

Top 25 Kpop Songs 2017-OMG It’s Here!

Here it is! The thing that a handful of people who aren’t me have seen... My annual list of the best Kpop songs!

My annual KPOP list has been a top 30 for the past 2 years. But this year I feel there is a drop off in quality after 25 songs. So here it is! Top 25 Best KPOP Songs of 2017 25 Fingertip by GFRIEND- GFRIEND is usually not to my taste but this song is so different from their usual style. It is like music from an '80s action movie. In the video I really wish that they had used their "Fingertip"s as guns instead of the plastic ones. 24 Ko Ko Bop by EXO- EXO did not impress me as much this year as they usually do. The dance breaks in this song were trying too hard to be cool. LOL. But, the parts where they sing actually are cool. And cool is the best word to describe this funky laid back track. The choreography was for the most part excellent, but at times I think the arm movements were too fast to make a proper impact. 23 Save Me by I'M- This is a slow song from a former member of Topp Dogg. I believe he is someone that deserves more attention. I love the layering of the vocals and the changes in melody. The heavy hearted mood created by the song is captivating. 22 Gashina by Sunmi- This song is like a journey. A fun journey with your friends. A journey where something fun is always happenning and the destination isn't really the point of the trip. I think that metaphor will stand as the only sort of review I give this song. 21 Like This by Pentagon- Pentagon had 6 comebacks this year. "Like This" was the strongest. It has a chorus that soars. A lot of songs this year were just simple and pleasant background music and "Like This" almost falls into this category too. But there is something uplifting about it. It isn't just background music it makes you feel something. I get a similar feeling when I hear rock songs like Don't Stop Believin', Journey and Beautiful Day, U2. 20 Reborn by Jay Park, BOI B, DOUBLE K- The year cannot be complete without hearing at least one thing from Jay Park with this kind of sound. It is Jay at his usual greatness, what else can I say? I understand it is an ad for a digestive medicine: Hwalmyeongsu. Such a shame that a good song will be associated with sickness. 19 Whisper by VIXX LR- VIXX LR has a different sound to it than VIXX or than Ravi's solo rap. VIXX LR is my favourite version of VIXX. This song is sensual and melodic. 18 Run The Streets by DEAN- I love DEAN's unique voice. He has a sincerity in his voice. He is not being over theatrical. The lyrics are really dramatic and he doesn't over do it to sound like he is bragging or like he is venting. He is just stating and it seems more sincere that way. He goes into a bit of a scat in the middle, which is brilliant. 17 Energetic by Wanna One- I haven't enjoyed anything as much as I enjoyed Produce 101 Season 2. This show had me falling in love with every contestant. They didn't even have to try to make good music after that, but they did! The human piano was inspired! and that "why~~~" near the beginning of the song just makes me melt. Then in the chorus they do that "got me feelin energetic" with the 'Macarana' type dance moves and I'm hyped! This song gives me a total range of emotions. 16 Kiss Me by WJSN- The cute girl concept usually doesn't appeal to me but this one is too catchy to ignore! It is not even really cute in the typical sense. It's just fun and fluffy. That must be why I enjoy it. It is also very consistent. There is no part that stands out as better or worse than another. It flows nicely and always sounds like it's over too soon. I could loop this for an hour. 15 Dance With Me by VAV- VAV has song writers from SM Entertainment and they put great riffs and runs in this song. Since this was a group that I hadn't heard much from VAV before it took me a while to realize how good this song actually was. It includes harmonies in the background which is something a lot of groups don't bother to do. It really enriches the sound. 14 All Night by Girls' Generation- This kind of sound has been missing from Girls' Generation for a couple of years, and I'm so glad to hear it again. More than that, however, I love the outside-the-box outfits. I feel like a lot of Kpop groups have been playing it safe and wearing clothes that are conventionally pretty. But we can count on SM entertainment have the balls to dress their artists in all kinds of deliciously tacky sparkles and feathers! 13 Cherry Bomb by NCT 127- NCT 127 has made a creative effort again this year. This time it landed a little better than last year's "Firetruck". Every verse and chorus and dance step gives me something I haven't quite seen or heard before. It falls short of off-putting and lands in engaging. 12 I Love You by Bobby- Bobby seems so natural and comfortable in this song. He has the natural YG swagger, even if his style of swagger is a little more youthful and vibrant than other YG artists'. The song has a little bit of the Carribean flavour that has been so popular in 2017, but not so much that you would call it tropical. 11 What's Good by Niel (feat. Justhis)- Niel is an amazing dancer. The choreography in the rap break is killer and Justhis' rap is brilliant. The chorus and the verses both move you to groove along.

WATCH THE TOP TEN!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3zB21l-mfQ 10 Sorry by The Rose- This singer takes the opposite approach from DEAN and I like it that way too. The singer puts so much emotion into every word that you can feel it even when you don't understand the language. I think that is something very special about music in a foreign language. It allows you to listen to peoples emotions without being distracted by their words. I don't usually fall for the rock genre but I will be looking out for The Rose in the future. 9 Don't Wanna Cry by Seventeen- This song is very sparse in terms of vocals. The dance is my favourite thing about it. I want to call this the choreography of the year. 8 Stranger's Love by Barberettes X Jang Jinyoung- These girls have buckets full of talent. I'm thrilled to be putting the Baberettes in my top 10 list this year.The tone of this song is so seductive. 7 Dirty House by Nam Taehyun (South Club)- I'm not a K-rocker, but I think this song is so cool. Play it while you are cleaning the house. Ever notice how the word house sounds a lot like the word hoes. Dirty hoes? I kind of like how the song crashes for a few seconds in the middle and then recovers. 6 Fruity by Hyolyn (feat. Kisum)- How can an ad for a fruity drink be such a good song? I hope these companies keep pumping money into KPOP if this is the result. 5 O Sole Mio by SF9- This song is framiliar sounding. The Spanish guitar rhythms are gorgeous and delicate.  Can we talk about how they sing four languages in only one line O sole mio Italian, te quiero Spanish, neo nae taeyang Korean, O my Lady English. The innovative wardrobe caught me eye too. Their large shirts are like a modern take on the matador cape. So many details in this song. 4 On/Off by ONF- If you look up the word bop in the dictionary this song starts playing. Someone had to bring a happy, catchy boy band sound this year. We got it from the debut song of ONF! Well done new boys! 3 Sixteen by Samual (feat. Changmo)- The best post-Produce 101 song. This has early Justin Beiber feels to it. Or at least Justin wishes his video were this good. Samuel makes dancing look easy and natural. 2 Wake Me Up by BAP- This song is about a big and important issue, but read a translation of the lyrics and they are just ambiguous enough so that the song can be about any issue that the listenner wants it to be about. Even with the video there are still gaps left open for the viewer to fill in. It's really cool when the same art means something different to different people. 1 Goodbye by 2NE1- The perfect goodbye song. 2NE1 is a group that got a lot of people hooked on KPOP. The world would not have been the same without them. If they had to leave I am glad they left on such a beautiful note.

[swapnagangadharan]

We woke up all set for a really long day trekking to the base camp. There was an air of easiness around us all.

We made it to the summit, it was 9 days of being together, weathering every situation, some we loved, some we did not expect and yes we started off as strangers and made our way to knowing each other.

We saw the beautiful snow capped mountains in front of us and the drizzling weather.. The next team after us would have a tough time at the summit as we heard it was not good weather at Bhagwa Basa.

We had such good moments to hold on to in this journey and while Bhim and I always thought about a memory in Deorital where 5-6 of us bonded while listening to awesome music, something similar happened that morning..

Bhim, Imroze, Vinayak, Nag, Neha and I were chatting post breakfast admiring the scenery in front of us while naturally the conversation went towards music.

Vinayak was off to Ziro music Festival held somewhere remote in Arunachal Pradesh after this and then go to Nagaland’s Dzukou Valley. He had brought his own tent and was set to backpack across north east. It would be an adventure of a lifetime for him. Truly admired his sense of spirit.

The discussion naturally went towards Rock Bands and Music and that’s when Bhim played a fantastic track by Nightwish – a Metal Band.

It was when they played live at this place, maybe Wacken if am not wrong, I vaguely remember. The lead singer was a stunning beautiful woman and a voice that could shake your core.

Those moments were captured in eternity while we moved, bobbed and went into a trance listening to Nightwish.. Oh man.. Up in the mountains, listening to a brilliant piece of music recorded live and her voice.. The Guitar Riffs were crazy..

Few moments like these show how alive we really are, how alive we should be in our daily lives. I can never forget that time.. Even now, if I close my eyes I can picture us listening to it.

Getting out of our trance, we were set to descend all the way down. Meanwhile something else was happening. Mr.Delhi – Gaurav was parading around in his Capri shorts as if it was summer and Imroze promptly asked for Neha’s phone and took a picture of him .This was going to blow out very soon.

Giving our heartfelt thanks  to the team, we descended back but first there were the familiar ascents up and above the campsite.. We would be taking certain short cuts and not the same route. Our lunch stop would be Ghaeroli Patal – our first campsite when we started off.

It was rocky, it was steep but the steep descents would be more from Ghaeroli Patal as we would be trekking through the forest. The previous day’s descent already was having a toll on some of us.

My knee crepe bandage wasn’t helping so Bhim kindly gave his elastic knee bandage which was way better. His calf muscles were giving up so the knee crepe bandage worked better for him.

Each one was in their own zone and own moments. Bhim openly said I want to walk alone so you guys keep going ahead. I totally understood that.

I wanted it too so after a point, I slowly strayed away from Kuldeep and started walking on my own, watching out for Neha once a while and then joining her, Bhim did the same. Sometimes I would have Nag next to me while we chatted on life.

And then Bhim shouted look look! and what we saw was the rare Himalayan Monal Bird flying low from it’s perch. Last time Bhim had missed it at Deorital and now that wish too got fulfilled !

I remember at one point, the mist set in and fewer people were around and we were slowly approaching closer to Bedhini Bugyal..

The landscape changed from rough terrain to beautiful meadows and it was overwhelming, I started crying looking at the mountains. It was so empowering to let it out, to miss them so much, to feel the ache and pain, to let your emotions out.

Bhim was walking in front, moving ahead and yet we were in sync with those emotions without stopping nor looking back. Friends who were getting overwhelmed and emotional. No words, nothing was required. We knew what these Mountains meant to us.

We were reaching the crystal clear water near Bedhini Buygal and as we were walking towards it, Imroze came quietly next to me and said, I am not letting these guys (Delhi couple + nephew) into our vehicle nor give them accommodation for the night, am done.

From Bedhini Bugyal, we finally treaded our way down to Ghaeroli Patal for our lunch. Imroze spoke about a small place for dinner at Lohajung, they made the best chicken drumsticks and curry and we could go there.

He needed a headcount as to who was in. The vegetarians could have Paneer there. So it was Mr.Singapore, Harsha, Vinayak, Silent Jay, Pihu and her dad Vimal, Sampann, and us four. We told Imroze to include Manojji and Kuldeep too.

Now it was walking back and descending through the forests, rocky paths all the way to Wan. Bhim again helped a lot while descending, my knees were better than before yet whenever I needed help, he was always there. We were mostly trekking slowly with Neha, then Prashant and Rajinder behind us with Kuldeep and Mr.Singapore.

The Delhi duo with their nephew were as usual jumping and taking short cuts and Imroze by then stopped bothering about them.

Cracking jokes, playing beautiful songs, chatting on some random thing or the other we were descending and as we moved closer towards Wan, we saw the first Dhaba stop we first stopped at. Just 8 days ago, we were right here and how everything had changed in us.

Vimal did a perfect imitation of Mr.Singapore’s accent and his way of talking and we roared in laughter. Vimal simply said Yaar hum sab Punjabi hai (We are Punjabis), we all sound the same!

When we asked him about Pihu saying they will go to Everest Base Camp in October, he said yeah why not? Schools don’t give education,she will take time off from school and we will go. They only give a degree not experience. What a refreshing change!

He was the first parent I met in my life, honestly even from my generation who was cool enough to let his kid not get bogged down by the usual shit, he knew what she was getting from this was far more..

We were finally crossing small hamlets/villages and kids going home from schools saying Namaste. Manojji was showing some buds that would pop and tingle by touch! We had so much fun, we became kids popping it 🙂

As we finally descended we saw our vehicles waiting for us and there was only one thing on our minds, A Bath! 8 days of not seeing our own faces and we were already contemplating watching out for a room with a geyser, it was too cold to use normal water.

Then it happened. Gaurav of Delhi duo flared up and started shouting when Imroze did the needful.

The worst was when he lashed out saying you are a bloody employee,you are nothing, I paid the money and You are here to SERVE ME! I will take back my money from your office, you better refund it ! Who speaks like that? Imroze was calm throughout and said Do what you want man, talk to my Co-ordinator but I am not letting you in.

After we got into a vehicle with us four, Vinayak, Harsha, Sampann and his wife Shakalaka on our way to Lohajung, it all came out. Each one had their own story with them and it was disgusting.

Then Bhim quietly mentioned, he saw them smoking at campsites which was really dangerous in spite of all the warnings. Others had more stories. Imroze had already told the Base Camp co-ordinator and he knew about their smoking besides other stuff.

We finally reached the Lohajung base camp and Venkat – the base camp co-ordinator greeted us warmly. Pihu ran and took a room with 3 beds, she specifically said to us, let’s not take that room with 5 beds, I don’t want them (Sumita Aunty – Irshiya/Harshiya/Aashiya Niece) with us 🙂

The happiness we felt when we saw a geyser and hot water after days! And for the first time we saw ourselves in the mirror. Tanned, sun burnt, skin peeling off and our eyes so bright with happiness! We couldn’t recognize ourselves. Maybe this was our true selves. The Happy untainted us.

After freshening up, we assembled where Imroze gave us our certificates and we all spoke a bit. The most hilarious one was of course from the Kannada Boys . Except the social one all wanted to give feedback then and there.

But the noteworthy statement was when one of them said We arrrrrre yaaaappy to see atther Kannadigas in the team hinting at Vinayak, Bhim ,Neha and Nag 🙂

It was time for dinner and we set out to this small place for their famous chicken! OMG! did we hog! The fried chicken to the Chicken Curry with Rotis, Rice and Salad was out of this world. I remember us just eating and eating. Bhim sarcastically asked if anyone wanted Paneer after he saw the way we were going at it 🙂

With good food in the belly we retired to our rooms, while Neha played different versions of ‘Shape of You’ and a song ‘FO FO’, Pihu introduced us to the latest ‘happening’ club music. We could hear someone in the next room playing music too, almost as if we were on jugalbandi!

We had a mini adventure with a Big Wasp entering into our room and me diving on poor Pihu’s leg 🙂 All of us were screaming and hiding. Then I ran out and opened the door for it to go, then Neha ran out followed by Pihu. Once it flew out we shut the door, took a breather and started laughing loud. Of all the adventures we had,we got scared of this!

It was almost 12 midnight and we would have to wake up early morning and be on another 11 hour drive to Kathgodam station.

After 9 days we were sleeping on a comfortable bed. Another day and a new beginning..

          The Journey Back -Part IX (Part B) We woke up all set for a really long day trekking to the base camp. There was an air of easiness around us all.

[happynowidiot-blog-blog]

Halloween 2011: the Three Day Saga

'm not sure entirely how we survived Halloween weekend. Being in Jules's house was unbelievably strange. It was almost like when we ended up behind the bar at Big Chill. We were suddenly somewhere we never thought we'd actually be. His house is on the small side but cozy. The walls are covered in pictures of baby Jules and his little brother, and the dogs they grew up with. Jules's room is one the third floor away from the other two bedrooms. In one corner there's a giant TV and his single bed sits in the centre of the room. There aren't any posters on the wall but on his nightstand behind a stack of Tom Clancy novels is a picture of a middle aged man who Jules clearly resembles. Under the picture is a name, two dates (the second one being in January of 2009) and then the words "the Celebration of a Life". Jules's dad is dead. He died almost a year before we met him and the first we knew anything about it was from that picture on his nightstand. Penny and I were immediately aware that we couldn't bring this up, not then. Instead we teased him about his baby face and I wondered to myself about the acoustic guitar sitting at the top of the staircase. There were pictures in the hallway of Jules's football team when he was a kid and Penny laughed out loud as she pointed out a very, very blonde baby George among the group.  

Jules was a good host as he stayed with us when we first got there and introduced us to some people before continuing to circulate. We ended up outside in the garden smoking with a group of people we introduced ourselves to based entirely on the smell of the weed they were smoking. I was talking to the guy next to me for a while. He was tall, solidly built, with dark hair and a nice smile. He asked how we knew Jules and I found myself rambling about how we were among his first friends in the country. As I said this, a lightbulb went on in both mine and Penny's heads. Something just clicked and she threw herself towards my ear to go, "That is definitely Jay. That is definitely Jules's little brother." I pretty much died. I asked him if that was indeed who he was and he said yeah. We then had a nice chat about Esam and the rest of the Dubai boys and George being ridiculous and some slight Jules mockery. We'd been talking for a bit and he's cute enough that I'd started flirting at some point. I hadn't even realised I was doing it until Penny threw herself at me for the second time and whispered frantically in my ear, "You CAN'T hook up with Jules's brother!" I immediately threw myself backwards. Thank god she said something. I totally might've ended up hooking up with Jay just out of habit or instinct if Penny hadn't brought me back to reality.  

At some point, I ended up very, very high. High enough that I was no longer making sense and had no idea. I couldn't understand why people just kept leaving in the middle of conversations or why Penny kept walking up and asking how I was drunker than her. I wasn't drunk so this just confused the hell out of me. Considering I apparently couldn't talk I was incredibly clear headed. I got it into my head that I wanted to text George. I haven't drunk texted George in months and months. Since probably March, actually, but I was sitting in Jules's house talking about Greenwich with his little brother and I wished he'd been able to make it so I texted him something stupid. I called him "sweets" in the text which is bizarre as I've never called him that. "Babe": yes. "Sweets": never. The important thing about this text though is that it wouldn't send. I thought that was weird as I knew I had credit. I tested to make sure it wasn't my phone by sending a text to Penny that just said "hey" and nothing else. I then sent the same one to Clayton to double check it wasn't my phone (he's one of the first people in my phonebook). They both went through. I have absolutely no idea how I came up with the idea that this meant he'd changed his number but I did. I asked Jules for his phone and frantically scrolled through his contacts. I reached George's number and compared it with the one in my phone. They were different. I'm assuming that this is the point where I threw my phone but I can't actually be sure. Everything got a bit blurry. Again, I'm also assuming I either went and got Penny or she saw me or something but we ended up sitting in Jay's room because the door to Jules's room was locked. Penny held me as I tried to figure out what the hell was going on and why the fuck George would change his number without telling me. He'd had the same phone since he met him. He'd brought it from Dubai. It was a scratched up white phone that I'd had in my pocket for a bit that night in September. It felt like the ultimate slap in the face.  

Jules came upstairs at one point and stuck his head into the room. He handed me my phone which he'd put back together and sat next to Penny on the bed. Penny asked him if he knew what had happened that night in September. He awkwardly nodded his head looking uneasy as he said, "Kind of." I sat up and said the words I never wanted to say to Jules, "I told George that I was more than a little in love him." Jules sighed and looked away before turning to me and saying, "There's this girl, Seren-" Cue me collapsing back onto the bed with a cry of despair. When George had first mentioned an ex-girlfriend I'd immediately assumed it was Seren even though he'd never mentioned her and there was no explicit proof they'd ever dated. There are a handful of pictures of them together on facebook but none of them are even that couple-y but I just had a gut feeling. Penny had been trying to talk me out of this assumption for awhile and I'd admitted that it was insane. This obviously didn't stop it from being true. Jules had stopped talking when I freaked out so we didn't really get the story. I wasn't really in the state to realise that it I wanted to know what had actually happened I would need to let him talk. He left a bit after that to make sure no one had tried to burn his house down while he'd been talking to us and Jay walked in a bit later. 

He'd originally tried to back out as soon as he opened his door but we figured that since it was his room he could know what was going on. Penny literally stuck her finger in my ear as I laid with my head in her lap and she caught Jay up on the entire situation. She figured I didn't need to listen to it all over again. This is the part of the night that made us fall in love with Jay. As much as we love George and Jules and they're some of our best friends we never talk about anything real. There is so much they've never told us, things that we've had to suss out of off-handed comments and a truly disgusting amount of facebook stalking. Their communication skills are non-existant, both of them. Jay was much more of an open book. We told him about this lack of communication and he said that's just how they are. He lives five meters from Jules and talks to him once a week, maybe. He won't hear from George for months and then he'll come home one day and just find him chilling in his house (George hadn't been lying when he said he usually arrived unannounced). We told Jay that Jules had never mentioned his dad dying in any way, shape, or form and Jay actually talked about. He told us how hard it had been on Jules and how they had the same mannerisms, etc. We were talking about we really need some confirmation from these boys that we are indeed friends and Jay shook his head at us and said they clearly care about us. They talk about us all the time. So many of their stories involve us. That was unbelievably comforting to hear considering the actually horrible amount of time we spend talking about them.  

This portion of the conversation, however, is where things became complicated. Penny said something about how they randomly show they care like how touched she was when Jules suited up for her birthday. Jay laughed at this and said, "Oh yeah! When Jules's girlfriend left for uni at the end of the summer he took her out for this fancy dinner and suited up and everything." Penny and I just froze. We said we didn't know he had a girlfriend this summer and Jay goes, "Yeah, my mom said she's a lovely girl." I knew Jules had had something this summer. There were pictures of him and a girl and some wall posts back and forth but we figured it was just a fling or they were just screwing around. He'd never changed his relationship status and I'd talked to him a lot this summer without him mentioning her. We had no idea it had been that serious. However, beyond being annoyed that Jules hadn't mentioned a girlfriend because it's yet another example of him keeping important things from us there was another reason this was a particularly horrifying piece of information. That day in September was the 7th/8th. When did this girl leave for uni? Did they actually break up or what? Was Jules in a relationship with someone when he hooked up with Penny (a lot)? Penny left the room and this point and told me not to follow her. She was sitting in the dark hallway with her legs straight out in front of her, just breathing. I left her alone and she came back in a few minutes later looking much calmer than I would've been.  The conversation continued, shifting away from the more serious topics as some of Jay's friends walked in to chill with us. They'd run out of tobacco so Jay rolled a pure joint instead of their usual spliffs. Jay took a hit before handing it to me telling me it was really strong. I rolled my eyes and brought the joint to my lips. I laughed as I exhaled out of Jay's window per his request. Strong, my ass. They are so bad about their weed here. I felt nothing and as my earlier high had faded by then it was clearly not that strong. I passed it to Penny and she agreed with me. This guy Cesar asked a few minutes later if we "felt it yet" and we both laughed. Penny had been gradually taking over Jay's bed during this time. She'd slipped off her shoes and scooted back until she was leaning against the headboard with the blanket pulled up to her chin. Eventually, I'd followed suit as it had gotten chilly with the window open. At one point, I'd started coughing and had to run and grab my inhaler from my bag in Jules's room. 

There'd been a giant group of people sitting on his bed including a couple that had clearly been using it for other purposes  at some point. This was strange as I'd had to grab Jules to unlock the door in the first place but I wasn't in the mood to ask. I'd put my inhaler down on Jay's nightstand next to the jewelry I'd taken off. Penny and I had basically decided that we were sleeping in Jay's bed. He said that was cool as long as he had a spot on the floor he'd be fine. This plan went down the drain as that guy Cesar started snoring. He'd passed out on the end of the bed. They had to wake him up when they had to move the bed to get my phone from where I'd dropped it behind the headboard (I literally just dropped it there. I have no idea how I did it) and they could barely get him to open his eyes. Someone went downstairs and Penny told them to grab Jules for us.  

Jules came upstairs and Penny asked him if he knew "anywhere comfy" for us to crash. He said we could sleep in his mom's room and led us to the bedroom across the hall opening the door as he said, "I'll be crashing with you guys too, by the way." and walked upstairs. Penny called after him for shirts for us to sleep in. He came back downstairs with his hands full of old football jerseys. Jules is not a small guy. He's got to be close to 6' and is solidly built. This apparently didn't factor into his choice of sleepwear. He SO owns bigger shirts than the ones he gave us. Stupid 19 year old boy. Penny and I deck-changed while Jules just stripped for bed. I'm glad I'd anticipated our sleep arrangements and worn boy short underwear under my costume. I put my phone down on the night stand and climbed into the middle of the queen sized bed. This was an intentional choice as I wanted to be between Penny and Jules for all of our sakes. Penny finished changing and told me to move over. I figured it would be more awkward to explain that no, I was staying in the middle, so moved to the far end of the bed. I was wrong. Jules climbed into bed and switched the light off. It had been a really long night and we were all exhausted. I don't even know what time it was and as the time changed at 2 AM or something like that no one really knew. We all laid there and chanted "Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed." as we tried to get comfortable. I eventually fell asleep but was woken up by the sound o something. I wasn't really conscious of anything at that point but my unconscious mind was apparently on top of things. Jules and Penny were making out roughly four centimeters to my left. According to Penny, I rolled over and went, "Guys!" and they pulled apart. 

None of us got much sleep at all. Penny was hot so she got up every ten minutes. I was freezing. At one point my teeth were actually chattering. I had all of the blankets, too, I'd like to point out. Jules is a light sleeper so every time Penny or I said anything to each other he'd be awake and murmuring a response. Jules and I both snore and at one point we were both snoring while Penny laid between us wanting to die. Luckily, she knows that I only really snore when I screw my breathing up by sleep with my arm on my face so she just moved my arm so I shut up at least. Penny got up at one point and I decided that I was going to sleep next to Jules the radiator because I was sick of being cold. Penny came back and literally laid on top of me in the middle of the bed while I explained that I was freezing. She goes, "Do you want me to hold you?" I was too cold to turn her down so I rolled back over to my side of the bed and for not the first time in our friendship got to be the little spoon. I couldn't help but hope that this was the moment Jules decided to roll over and look at us. A little bit after that our alarms started going off. Well, the church across the street started ringing it's bells and I thought it was Penny's alarm. Then my phone went off where I'd left it on the nightstand next to Jules. Then Penny's phone actually went off. She got up to go the bathroom and actually start waking up. I rolled over and curled up next to Jules. According to her, she walked back in and almost took a picture of us because of how adorable we were. We were were matching matching yellow Liverpool jerseys and were sleeping curled up towards each other. She got me up and as soon as we were both of of bed Jules rolled over and spread out across the bed with a groan. He was laying facedown with a giant grin on his face he tried to get any rest.  

Penny and I wandered around the house collecting our stuff, including out shoes and hats that had been left in Jay's room. The lights were still on and Cesar was still passed out. Penny had overheard a conversation earlier about a girl having slept in the garden and the duvet was still out there when we'd walked by. We finally were ready to go after Jules's phone rang. His mom was waking him up and watching him mutter into the phone 75% asleep is the single cutest thing I've ever seen. I don't know what it is with these boys when they're sleepy. George has never been more adorable than the morning we crept out and he laid there with his eyes mostly closed going "Hug me, hug me" as we said goodbye. Penny and I awkwardly hugged Jules where he laid and ventured into the early morning sun. It was a gorgeous morning, not too cold and bright out. We walked towards the bus stop that would bring us back to Richmond where we could catch the tube. We were across the street from the bus stop and just kind of strolling in awe of the night we'd just had. As we did this, the bus we needed drove straight past us. It was a really good moment for us. We both just stood there going, "... Fuck."   

We sat at the bus stop for ten minutes waiting for the next bus. We must have looked like the ultimate walks of shame. Penny's coat covered her costume but she was holding her Cat in the Hat hat/ears. I was in my costume holding my hat with hair an absolute mess because I'd worn it curly the night before and then slept on it. We must've reeked of weed, alcohol, and boy. Penny reminded me of the whole "made out with Jules" thing and I had a minor heart attack. I was so mad and upset at her and Jules and especially at George but I was so tired that I couldn't even really be angry. I was, I knew that, but I was too tired and slightly hungover to really be feeling it. Out bus came and we continued to bemoan the events of the last evening until we got back to Richmond. We stopped to get McDonald's and it was incredibly unsatisfying. We were both such wrecks of emotion. Exhaustion, anger, frustration, sadness, and dread were all mashed up in my still slightly foggy from the amount I'd smoked the night before brain. We got on the Tube and halfway home, Penny shared her epiphany about the fact that they'd been IN HIS MOTHER'S BED. It's too perverse for words. We must have been amusing as hell to everyone else on this train however. We got home eventually (I will never doubt Jules's love again) and we both showered and I put my costume back on. I ditched the knee socks I'd been wearing the night before and Penny changed into her sailor costume. Redoing the intricate Mad Hatter eye makeup I'd been wearing was miserable knowing that it was so early in the morning. I grabbed my short black jacket and Penny ate some leftover Chinese food before we headed out into the grey London morning.  

The weather was too mild for the end of October as we walked to Russell Square. We got to where we were meeting and there was a group of people in costumes that we were assuming were a part of Adam's thing but we didn't recognize anyone. Penny called Adam and when he didn't pick up she called Sean. Sean was waaaasted. He literally could barely talk. He's sitting on the phone with Penny going, "Adam! Adam! Talk for Sean!" Too fucking funny. They eventually got there and the group of thirty drunk people in costumes covered in fake blood was indeed the group we were going to Church with. Adam was dressed as a giant baby covered in fake blood. Sean was some sort of pumpkin faces phantom in what was going to be a boiling hot costume complete with mask. They introduced us to their roommate Michelle, dressed as an evil blood covered Alice in Wonderland. The group of us must have looked terrifying. There was Glenn dressed as clown, two Spanish guys in tiger onesis, a crazed surgeon, and a devil among a ton of other freaky costumes. Normally, going to where we were going wouldn't take that long but as it was a weekend the tubes had to be fucked up. We had to take two different tubes and a bus. We lost have the group and then found them again and we all ended up dominating the upper part of a double decker bus. It was genuinely hilarious. I wish I hadn't been so tired so we could have drank with all of them but I just couldn't do it. After various hilarious bus escapades, we got to the Church. This club is insane. Everyone was dressed up as we handed over our tickets and walked into this giant old theatre. There was a main stage covered in Australian flags. The bar was chaotic as people handed over drink vouchers and received multiple drinks at a time. You have to buy in bulk. It was too funny for words. The music was old rock favorites and things anyone could dance to, completely unpretentious. They had cameras that took pictures of people on the dance floor and threw them up onto a screen on the main stage with captions like "Cheer if you want to see my tits!". Some of the women who ended up on the screen laughed and turned away, A good number obliged, especially as the afternoon progressed. 

Eventually, the entertainement portion of the day started. By "entertainment", by the way, I mean strippers. First, there was a girl stripper and the crowd turned to face the stage the men whistling and the women roaring with laughter. Sean couldn't even watch and turned away, embarrassed. It was too adorable for words. After her, came the male stripper. I genuinely don't think I've ever laughed that hard. It was hilarious being in this mixed, chilled our atmosphere and watching my first strip show on a Sunday afternoon. The show ended with a "boat race" which is essentially a drinking game that has a group of guys versus a group of girls seeing who can chug their beers the fastest. As this was Church, there was a twist. The girls got a 15 second head start if they flashed the crowd. There was three rounds and every group of girls decided they wanted the advantage. So funny. As the event came to a close, we all filed outside into the sunshine. I wish I'd been drunker so I didn't feel quite so ridiculous. Apperently, the big thing with Church is that afterwards everyone goes to Walkabout in Shepard's Bush. I have no idea what this is all about. As the tube systems was still a mess, this required finding a bus. Oh my fuck. this was ridiculous. We'd lost Glen at some point and Sean was on the phone with him trying to explain where we were. He hangs up and goes "He's not too drunk to find us with enough time but drunk enough to annoy the shit out of me." There was a group of Germans or something that asked if we were going to Walkabout and how to get there. Zaccy stepped forward and went, "Yeah, just go down that road take the first right and then the second left." They left and we all turned to him, "What? I just don't them coming with us." So fucking funny. We found our bus stop eventually and Zaccy sat down next to an old lady and became friends with her. He looked hilarious in his bee costume smoking a cigarette. Glen never found us. 

That bus ride was the longest bus ride of my entire life. We were exhausted and the girls sitting in front of us were talking and repeating the same in joke over and over again. I realised that we must sound like that. I tried to sleep while mentally apologizing to anyone who's ever sat behing Penny and me after a night out. We drove past Gloucester Road and I swear if I'd had my house keys with me I would've gotten off the bus. The overwhelming emotion was hunger. We were all starving. One of the guys that was with us got off at High st. Kensington and said he was going home. We eventually arrived and Adam answered the latest of several phone calls from Simon. He was meeting us at Walkabout. Sean then got a call from Glen. He was already at Walkabout. The guy who was too drunk to find the bus station managed to beat us there. I still have no idea how that happened. Sean told him we'd meet him there. First, we stopped at this Australian pie shop and devoured pies. It was interesting being with all those Aussies and Kiwis when they were so far from home eating food that reminds them of it. When we'd finished we finally went to Walkabout. There was queue outside of it and as we got closer we saw something interesting. The guy who'd gotten off at High St. Ken was in line. We walked up and said, "This isn't home" and he shrugged at us. It's like there was a rip in the space time continuum. Someone who would've supported this theory was Simon, who we joined at the back of the queue. When he first saw Penny and me he looked at us despairingly, "Why are you people everywhere?!" We rolled our eyes at him and stood next to him in line. The reason he would support this theory would now become clear. He leaned down and said in my ear, "I'm on a lot, a lot of ketamine." Oh good. That's what Simon needs in his life, ketamine. As we moved up through the line Zaccy walked up to Simon and goes, "Hello, my favorite. Simon pouted and replied, "I'm not your favorite. You throw me aside like a used dish towel." The conversation progressed to Simon lecturing on the costumes people were wearing, "Some of the outfits these women have on, it's downright gratuitous!" Zaccy rolled his eyes, "Oh, grow up Simon." It took all of my self-control to not burst into laughter. 

We eventually made if inside and Penny and I agreed that we weren't going to stay very long. The only thing that made me want to stick around besides Adam leaving was the goldmine that is a high Simon. When we got drinks he took a sip of his and says, "This is shit. I'm a bartender, you know. I know these things." I think my favorite moment may have been when we all went to go dance. Simon dancing by himself wearing his reflective aviators is literally the best thing I've ever seen. It made being there even when I was exhausted totally worth it.

[rustedsteele]

The Full Overhaul (2017)

// The new history is under the cut. I’ll be putting it up on the info page too.

“No child left behind.” “Children are our future!”  “Think of the children!”  “How could you do that to a child?” 

How indeed? 

Love, nurture, guidance and attention; These are the things parents offer their children in hopes that they might grow up to love and be loved, to give to others and to make their ways in life. A true parent would give anything for their child, anything to keep them safe and happy. But what of untrue parents? Of people who put themselves before their children? What sort of person do they create? 

Kyle Wilson Steele was born into such a family. Cast from birth into the turgid waters of an already uncertain marriage, Kyle was the final attempt by John and Emily Steele to save their crumbling marriage. While his arrival overjoyed his mother it did very little to calm the swaying seas of rage within John. The gap in the Toronto couple’s marriage had been largely attributed to such a rage and though Emily saw no signs of it subsiding with the new bundle of joy in the home, she hoped he might temper himself in the presence of the small boy. 

From the time he could understand the concept of pride in a human being, Kyle wanted nothing more than to make his father proud. He would wander through the house, tailing his father in every possible endeavor. Despite repeated rejections from the older man, Kyle was determine to win him over, his childish naivety holding out hope that one day John might crack. Instead he proved only that John had very selective hearing and more often than not preferred to ignore his son rather than spend time with him. When John did notice him the attention was far from loving, but rather more physically violent. Though his mother was aware of the violence she felt there was very little she could do. Unwilling to leave her husband for fear of social ridicule and ending up on the streets, she stood by her man. Shelters in Canada were a reasonably new concept and it was frowned upon to go to one. She comforted Kyle in the aftermath, bandaging his wounds and taking the beatings wherever possible. 

 As Kyle began to develop into a walking, talking six year old his mother began to grow a backbone. In the starting days of his sixth year on the planet, Kyle saw his mother stand up for him for the first time. She pushed back against John’s rage, eventually managing to wear the man down enough to have him leave to cool off. Though this was a small victory for both Kyle and his mother, it also brought new and much worse consequences. After that day, Kyle was introduced to a whole new level of hell.

 The following night, John stow into Kyle’s room long after his mother had drifted to sleep. Kyle himself had also been asleep, but certainly not for long. He awoke to an overwhelming feeling of dread and concern to find his father looming over him, pants already lowered in preparation. Kyle only had time to process some muttered words before his innocence was stolen in many ways. “You think you’re safe with that bitch?”

 Kyle experienced this form of torture for five years. At the age of eleven, his mother had taken ill from a bad head cold and his father had used the opportunity to remind her who was in charge. With the need to take power missing, John had no reason to continue his ‘late night visits’ at that time. The beatings returned at the tender age of Eleven, Kyle’s mind already damaged from his Father’s acts of ‘love’.

Despite the beatings and other unpleasentries, Kyle grew more and more determined to make his father proud. In his youthful mind when this goal was achieved his father’s temper would be appeased. He believed very strongly that what he received in place of love was largely his fault. Were he able to be the son his father wanted, his father would have no reason to be unhappy with him. He wished this as much for himself as his mother, who he saw as a victim in a storm he created. With his adolescence fast approaching he began to realize he was going to have to change his tactics to fit the mold his father wished for him to fall into. 

At the age of twelve he began to accompany his father to the dealership and automotive shop his father owned and operated. From the first day he walked in the door he made sure to take a strong interest in the workings of the dealership as well as the technical side of the repairs. He accompanied the head mechanic frequently, learning the twists and turns of an engine. He hoped that proving to his father that he could be trusted to run the shop later in life might bring that pride he burned for out of the older man. Much like his younger days he tailed his father throughout the shop and studied movements silently, only pausing to ask the most important of questions. 

A year of this tactic did see a decline in the frequency of the abuse. John seemed to take some interest in Kyle as the young man twisted to fit his idea of a son. Every day brought a new challenge, a new bit of the family business that Kyle would need to learn to impress his father. The constant fear of falling out of the man’s good grace kept him actively hunting for information on cars and the things that surrounded them. By the time he entered his thirteenth year John could have safely handed over the dealership with no concerns. Though Kyle was very proud of himself, he still stood at the receiving end of John’s temper whenever it should flair. As he had grown older he had moved to take the full force of said anger, protecting his mother and unborn sibling. Still believing the rage was his own fault he elected not to allow anything to happen to them. 

Just before he turned fourteen, Kyle welcomed a baby sister into his life. Lilian Jane Steele was the most precious thing he had ever set sights on and he vowed from the moment he was allowed to hold her, John’s wrath and wandering hands would never find her. He would do everything in his power to protect her, even if it cost him his life. He aided his mother wherever possible to look after Lily. He put her to sleep in the afternoon, fed her in the morning, changed her in the middle of the night when she night cry. He was a model big brother. 

Three months after her birth, her cry broke out in the middle of the night. It was the third time she had cried that evening and though Kyle was quick to raise from his bed to venture to her room, John was quicker. Holding her firmly out of the crib, John looked furious. With a slow swallow Kyle chanced a few steps forward, suggesting to his father that perhaps he should give Lily to him. John did not reply and instead tensed his arms as though he intended to shake the crying infant. Again Kyle tried, pleading with him and explaining that he could make her stop crying. He told his father that if he could not make Lily stop crying, he would take her for a walk so that John might sleep. Somewhat reluctantly he handed Kyle his baby sister and with a few soothing motions she was sleeping in the young man’s arms. John had long stormed off to bed. s

After that night Lily was moved into Kyle’s room and it became very rare that John was disturbed by the baby. During the day Kyle still spent time at the dealership and school. School had become less of a priority, taking a back seat to avoiding John’s anger and his protective duties. His grades began to suffer and more and more through his first year of high school he began to feel empty. His responsibilities began to weight on his heavily, his movements and thought process becoming slowed and effort filled. Kyle was unknowingly sinking into depression. He grasped for some solution and made every effort to make friends whom he might be able to confide in. He found only one such individual. 

Jay was a year ahead of Kyle. The two met at the end of Kyle’s first year of High School. Spending the summer together gave Kyle a much needed escape from time to time. He found that the more he got to know Jay, the happier he was able to make himself. Jay introduced him to new people, making Kyle feel included for once. He also introduced him to Rock and Roll. Coming from a non-musical house hold, Kyle had never heard Rock Music. He was introduced in 1971 to David Bowie and the Rolling Stones and without any hesitation he was hooked on the sound. Immediately he took interest in being able to play the guitar and Jay was more than happy to teach. He was after all the best guitarist in their area. 

In the early days of his second year of High School Jay had already managed to teach Kyle how to play basic chords and riffs. He expressed to Kyle that he might have a natural talent for music and this more than pleased the young man. He latched onto the concept of becoming a great guitarist so much he began to take time out of his shop visits to play. This would prove to be a mistake. As his time in the shop became less frequent his father’s rage toward him began to climb once more. Unable to give up music, Kyle began to take the beatings he had received as a child once more, still protecting Lily and his mother. The sexual abuse also dialed right back up and Kyle began receiving bi-nightly visits from his father once more.

As soon as John realized why Kyle would slip off so often he banned Kyle from spending time with Jay and his friends outside of school. He also forbid Kyle to play guitar or to listen to Rock and Roll. With frustration mounting between the two Kyle disobeyed his orders, choosing to skip class to play and listen whenever Jay had spare time. He saved up his allowance, buying himself his first guitar in the summer of 1972. He stored it at Jay’s home, bringing it home only when he was certain his father was out of the house and stashing it under his bed. He had become very skilled with it and had no intention of giving up because his father could not see his talent as a good thing. 

In the spring of 1973 his father unearthed his guitar, erupting into a fit of rage at the thought that his son had ‘wasted’ hard earned money on such a useless object. Despite Kyle’s pleas for its release, the guitar was burnt in the family fire pit. It was the first time Kyle ever stood up to his father and the first time he ever dared to swing back at the man. He received the single worst beating of his life for the trouble. He was warned that if he ever went behind his father’s back that way again he would not survive it. Kyle believed him. 

He spent the majority of that summer with his father, working in the shop once more and ignoring Jay even when his father wasn’t around. The sexual abuse had shifted gears to happening not only at home, but in the office of the dealership as well. Though Jay suspected Kyle might be from an abusive home, John was a well-respected figure in the community and his parents found it unlikely that John could be capable of any such thing. They suspected Kyle had simply moved on from the Rock and Roll phase faster than Jay had and that he was unsure how to tell him as much. Jay did not believe them. 

Upon the release of Queen’s debut album, Jay became completely infatuated with the music. Knowing there was no chance Kyle would be able to resist the music he collected his 8 track and player and waited just down the block from the Chevrotte-Oldsmobile-Cadillac dealership John owned, waiting for Kyle to walk home. As the other passed by him he played the music as loudly as he could, walking right next to him with a hopeful smile. When they were out of sight of the dealership, Kyle paused to listen, instantly rekindling his love of Rock Music. He vowed then that he would play, no matter what it took. 

Borrowing Jay’s guitar whenever he was able he slowly rebuilt his lost skills. In the summer of 1974 Jay secured tickets to see Queen play live in New York City. Upon request Kyle declined the offer to go, knowing his father would harm him if he were to go. As luck would have it, Kyle’s father planned on attending a conference with GMC for the weekend Queen would be playing. With great effort he managed to get a message to Jay, letting him know that he would be attending. With Jay ready to pick him up and take him across the border. Telling his mother he would be staying the night at a friend’s home in Mississauga to study, he was on his way to New York. 

Seeing Queen live brought Kyle’s ambitious to play music for a living straight to the surface. Watching Brian May play guitar inspired him to pursue his dreams of becoming a Rock Star. When he returned home he would continue to play and when he graduated from High School he would inform his father of his plans to return to school for music and not business. Curiously, during the concert, he felt no fear of how his father might react. He would tell him when the time was right and he had become very good at playing the part of loyal son. 

Another curious thing happened that evening. While he watched Freddie Mercury own the stage, a feeling struck him which had never done so before. A feeling of attraction. Kyle had long believed he was simply not cut out for a relationship, never feeling any sort of strong attraction to a woman, despite the attention his reasonably good looks afforded him. Freddie, on the other hand, brought a bubbling feeling of wanting straight into his chest. He realized that night that perhaps he was what he had been warned about from a young age. Perhaps he was gay. 

Returning home from the concert found him in more trouble than he bargained for. His father had returned home from his conference early and scolded his mother for allowing Kyle to leave home. His father had seen through his lie and upon discovering that it was Jay he had slipped away to be around, John lost his patience. The decision that his son needed to be put in his place was made. He would see to it that Kyle earned a proper respect for his authority. 

John pulled Kyle out of school, hiring a private teacher to finish his lessons. He was confined to his room when not in ‘class’ and his meals were highly restricted, all despite Emily’s protests. As an excuse for not feeding him, his father would open his door and gaze in. With a disapproving look he would scoff and tell his son that no one was going to want to date him. He was much too fat for that and in private he would tell him how ‘lucky’ he was that John would even touch him. That he was lucky his father loved him so much. He would allow Kyle scraps every now and then but by the third month of hearing how terrible he looked, Kyle could barely eat. It was during these months that Kyle started to lose all hope for the future.

Around the time he stopped eating, Kyle started to attempt to take his own life. Starting with an attempt to cut through the underside of his arm to get to his axillary artery, he was discovered when his father made sudden entrance. Because the cut hadn’t yet been made too deep, Emily bandaged it and everything sharp was removed from Kyle’s room. The next came when he stole a bottle of acetaminophen, which he is allergic too, and swallowed half of the bottle. He was taken to the hospital and it was quietly explained away for him. A closer eye was kept on him and no other attempts could be made. 

He finished his classes in the winter of 1975. Even the private teacher had to admit that he was a bright student. Throughout his punishment Kyle had found ways to communicate with Jay, dropping letters from his window into the yard where Jay would go to get them late at night. Return communications came by way of thrown rock in the small hours of the morning. The final reply Kyle received before he stopped seeing Jay was one that explained the other was moving on to University. He had given Kyle an address to write him if he ever got a chance. A place in England Kyle knew very little about. Jay also mentioned that when he decided to leave that place, Kyle should call around his parents’ home and pick up Jay’s guitar. He’d left it there for him to take. 

In the summer of 1976, after a particularly bad example of ‘Fatherly Love’, Kyle picked the lock on the door to his room with a bag packed to leave. He slipped into Lily’s room, saying goodbye to the toddler, silently wishing he could take her too. He was thankful that as she grew John’s wrath seemed to miss her. She was his little ray of sunshine and though Kyle could not help but feel jealousy bubbling in his chest, he loved his sister too much to hold it against her. Leaving a note on the take explaining that he was leaving, Kyle set off into the night. 

For six months he roamed the streets of Toronto, careful to avoid any cars that looked like his father’s or any places his father might spend time. He collected funds by playing outside of bars and theaters, his most common home being just outside of the Royal Alexandria theatre. Though he was unable to save money, he was able to feed himself well enough to stay alive. Eventually news of his talent reached some bar owners who invited him to play for them. He collected more money on those evenings than any other. He would use that money to pay for hotels, sleeping and showering and doing his laundry. 

One evening, just shortly after finishing a show, he took a chance on buying himself something to drink. Though he had never had much of a chance to drink, he knew what he liked. Ordering a Scotch on the rocks, he was greeted to a friendly chuckle from beside him. The man explained that he rarely met people who ordered scotch in Toronto, and that he himself was from England where it was far more common. Introducing himself as Ellis Simpkins he asked Kyle for his story, listening intently to the things the slightly older boy had gone through. Though Kyle refused to talk about the abuse as anything more than the occasional beating, Ellis could already tell there was much more. As Kyle packed his money form the gig into his guitar case, Ellis asked if he could treat him to dinner sometime. Kyle agreed to meet him the following weekend at a small restaurant down the road. 

 Over the course of the months Kyle remained out on the street, he was subjected to many different tortures. The weather alone was enough to break a man’s spirit but combined with the fact that he was still only nineteen, he found himself in a lot of trouble. Attention from older men became a serious issue, especially when he was unable to find an escape. Beatings from both fellow homeless people and anti-homeless attackers became a constant threat as well as the ability to find the smallest amounts of food to sustain himself. He spent the majority of his time in hiding, trying to keep himself safe.

The next time that Kyle met Ellis, Ellis explained that he was a student from England. He had come to Toronto to study acting with the intention of returning to England to finish his education later. He was from a somewhat aristocratic family and thus had enough money to buy Kyle whatever food he wanted. He was shocked to see how little the other ordered. 

The trend of meeting Ellis for dinner continued every weekend until the two became very good friends. In the early summer of 1976 Ellis intended to return to England for the summer to see his family. He offered to take Kyle with him, free of charge, if the other wished it. With no hesitation Kyle agreed. Getting out of Toronto seemed like the perfect way to begin his recovery from the things his father had done. Two days later they were on a plane, arriving in London seven hours later to be driven to a very lovely looking country estate. 

Upon arrival at the estate, Ellis introduced Kyle to his parents, Adam and Lizzy Simpkins. In an instant he was accepted into their family. Kyle did not trust Adam when he arrived, too afraid he would turn out to be like his father, but after the first month he found that Adam’s constant joy at life won him over. Lizzy was just as optimistic and supportive. They loved Ellis and they seemed to love Kyle like their own which was an odd concept to Kyle. After three months they offered to adopt him to give him dual citizenship, allowing him to stay with them whenever he wanted. He agreed, semi-officially becoming a Simpkins. 

Ellis and Kyle spent almost a full year in London, becoming very close friends, almost brothers. Over their time there Kyle discovered that on top of being a brilliant actor, Ellis was an amazing singer as well. With his octave range and the young Canadian’s guitar ability, there were murmurs of a band being formed upon arrival back in Toronto. Moving back into the small apartment Ellis had been living in for his previous adventure in school, he offered the second room to Kyle free of charge. The older man readily accepted and the two began to write songs together. It took very little time for the two to decide the band might just be the way to go. 

Kyle met their drummer, Roy McCormik while wandering the suburbs one evening. The quiet taping against a hollowed bucket drew his attention and the handsome red-head did the rest. It would turn out that Roy had been playing the drums for years, starting out in Cadets as a marching drummer. Kyle inquired if he might join the band and after the three men got to know each other, a drummer was added. Roy could be a hot head, quick on the draw but Kyle found him enduring. They two had an up and down relationship but there was no denying his drumming ability. He was exactly what they needed. 

Andre Hilsing, the bassist, would come a few months after Roy. Ellis often found himself attending open mic nights at local pubs, while Kyle would stay home and play his guitar. Kyle had decided to continue practice and only try for paying shows while the band was in formation. He continued to write songs, hoping that when the band was complete they might have a chance at becoming famous. While attending one of these open mic events, a young and energetic bassist took the stage, managing to rally the crowd with no accompaniment. Intrigued, Ellis approached him after the show and invited him to join himself and the rest of his budding band. Andre readily accepted and the raven-haired man was added to the band. 

 While out on his own, Kyle took it upon himself to start the exploration of his sexuality. He began to hear whispers of ‘Gay Bars’ in the area. Late in the evening when Ellis was either busy studying or asleep, Kyle would slip out and visit these bars, meeting up with several others exploring their sexuality. One of those men was Gregory LeClair. Greg was a one night stand, originally. Kyle made the mistake of spending the night in the abandoned house they had slept together in and by morning, spent another hour or two with Greg. The decision to stay in contact and become friends with benefits was made.

It was 1978 when the band began playing shows locally. Kyle’s former local reputation had given them an in at the pubs in the area. It took a little over a year for the small group to be noticed but when they were, there was no doubt they were going to be big. While scouting for new talent for Capitol EMI records a man by the name of Murray Smith heard the band play together. After the show he asked for their contact deals and if they might be interested in coming out to New York to be seen by an executive. They readily agreed. Murray informed then the Band would need an official title and it was decided that evening the band would go under the name All Hail. 

After meeting with record officials in New York City the band was signed and locked into recording agreement. The set straight to work on their first album straight away, generating interest in the musical community through Murray’s efforts to hype the band. With Kyle as the front runner heading the band, songs were well on their way to being recorded and the band seemed to mesh perfectly. 

In the midst of the band’s possible success, Kyle made the choice to change his name from the birth name he was given. In January of 1979 he changed his name from Kyle Wilson Steele to Sephyr Lukas Steele. Choosing Sephyr because he liked the sound, Lukas after his great grandfather on his mother’s side, and retaining his surname in honor of his mother, he settled on his name, pleased to no longer be Kyle. He continued to see Gregory on the side, who approved very much of his new and exotic name.

In the spring of 1979 All Hail released their first album. With nine track totalling just under a half an hour of music, ‘The Trouble with Love’ rose very quickly to being a very popular album over Canadian radio stations. The band was well on their way to being famous. With their first major injection of money, all four members began to realize what they might have there. By the winter of 1980 they had released their second album, ‘Inspire’. Their song ‘Late Night Instinct’ knocked the rolling stones from the top of the Canadian charts for three weeks solid, making them the most popular rock band of 1980. With their new found fame came the need for a tour. A tour bus was purchased and the crew was well on their way to what would amount to being a roughly twelve year long career. 

Though the band stayed close together through their time on the road, an internal struggle began to war inside of Sephyr. Coming out to the band was not an option in his mind. To him, the homophobia that he had grown up with in his youth was the view of the majority and risking it was certainly not in his interest. In the early 80’s it was very rare for any celebrity to be ‘out’ and Sephyr had no intention of starting the trend. With his only option to hide, he began to seek relationships outside of the lime light. One night stands with men and a few short-term relationships began, always in secret. Nothing ever seemed to last. Either Sephyr was away too much of the other arty was interested in telling people. Sephyr spent most of the tours hoping from person to person while avoiding looking to suspicious by escorting a few women to hotel rooms now and then. He would pay for them to sit with him before exiting the scene, never letting on to the band. He continued to see Greg, but he had made it clear from the start that he had no interest in a long term relationship.

As the tours pressed on and new albums were released, Sephyr found the depression from his youth creeping back into his life. The constant stress of hiding himself began to take a toll, as well as the very demanding schedule of being a Rock Star. Memories of the things his father did began to surface where he thought he might have pushed them out, causing painful flashbacks and cases of crippling fear. By 1983 Sephyr was so far into his own mentality he began to drift away from his band members. Even Ellis, who he still regarded much like a brother, became something of a threat to him. He began to reach out for any coping mechanism while keeping his band mates at arm’s length. Drinking became a norm for him, and after a party in the summer of that year, so did drugs. 

Heroin had been offered to him and though he knew the dangers of such drugs, it was expressed that it may help him deal with his serious depression. After his first hit he was sold. The drugs took away his ability to stress over his issues, helping him to forget the memories of his father and his abuse. The affection for the feeling soon turned into an addiction which quickly turned into a fact of his life. He would keep himself high as much as possible, lowering his dosage only for shows and interviews. His band had become aware of the problem, but despite their attempts to convince him to stop the problem raged on along with his alcohol abuse. 

  For the next six years Sephyr would struggle to maintain relationships even more than he had before. Having lost contact with Greg due to a heroin induced black out. He lost all of the contacts he kept in his book, unable to remember Greg’s current address or phone number. By the time he remembered where he had been, Greg had already moved on. Becoming the master of the secret one night stand, he began seeking out men more than he had before. Any attempt at a relationship was set aside and while Roy found a wife and Ellis carried a string of girlfriends, Sephyr would never speak of his relations. He continued to remain in the closet with no intention of ever outing himself. The loss of Greg plagued him, as he was finding himself very fond of the other.

In very early 1988, Sephyr’s suicide attempts reared their ugly head once more. He began to try to swallow pills, cut under his arms and even once attempted to hang himself. One evening out of fear for his adoptive brother’s life, Ellis was forced to call the local police and inform them of Sephyr’s intention of self-murder. He was taken into custody and held for three days, during which the Heroin in his system was discovered. He was sent to rehabilitation, but checked out only two days in. He warned Ellis that if he ever chose to go behind his back in that way again, Sephyr would never speak to him again. 

In 1989, Andre returned to the tour bus with the intention of gathering some drinks for an after party. When he arrived there he found Sephyr in serious trouble. He had overdosed slightly on his drug of choice, becoming lethargic and very, very ill. Without hesitation he dropped his drinks, curling up on the bed with his friend, holding him through the night until Sephyr was stable in the morning. Before the rest of the band arrived Sephyr ended up kissing Andre and the two began a quiet relationship without Ellis or Roy knowing. They were more than happy together, but as most things in Sephyr’s life it was not meant to be. 

In 1990 Ellis returned early from a party, intending to sleep. What he found was Andre and Sephyr in bed together. Mortified, Sephyr stormed from the tour bus, hiding out for several days in a hotel. When he returned he made the Band swear to secrecy. He made it very clear that he did not want to be outed and that if anyone were to out him it would be the end of their friendship. Each member agreed to keep his secret and the band carried on as before. Sephyr broke it off with Andre, explaining that though he certainly had feelings for him, it would not do the band any good for it to carry on. 

The following year, the members of the All Hail attended a party hosted by Aerosmith. Steve Tyler had become very good friends with Sephyr over the years and the members of both bands did get along fairly well. While the eight men sat around a table drinking, an already impaired Ellis let slide the secret he had been holding onto for a year. Outing Sephyr lost the man most of his friends (With the exception of the band and Steve) and very nearly went public. Thanks to some very carefully place phone calls the news was kept private and Sephyr was free to address Ellis directly. 

Sephyr told Ellis that as of that day he no longer wanted to see him. He informed the other members of the band that he would be leaving and that if they wished to they could replace him with another guitarist. He took the next flight back to Toronto, buying a small living space downtown while he had a house built for himself. He bought a large plot of land a good distance from the city itself, commissioning a 26 Million dollar mansion to be built for himself to live in. During the two year wait for it to be build he released a solo album with guest voice artist and contacted Andre again. The two started their relationship anew and moved into the house together upon its completion in 1993. 

Even with Andre’s love, Sephyr could feel his depression consuming him. His drug addiction had become worse than ever despite all of Andre’s attempted help to get him back on track. Memories from his time at home and the months he spent on the street had consumed him and driven him away from Andre. Though they still spent time together, Andre’s constant worry about Sephyr’s eating habits and drug use kept them at arm’s length. Their love for each other would keep them together for close to six years before Sephyr would be left alone once more.

On a stormy evening in October of 1999, a fight broke out between the two lovers. Sephyr had taken too much of his chosen substitute drug, Oxycodone and had nearly overdosed. Upon his sobering up Andre argued with him which eventually lead Sephyr to storm out of the house and disappear into the night. Fearing that his lover might do serious damage to himself, Andre went after him. In the rain the roads were hard to see and when a dip in the road caused pooling, Andre found himself hydroplaning. Without the ability to regain control the car was pitched from the road and totaled. Andre was killed on impact. 

Upon his arrival to the mansion, Sephyr was greeted by a young police constable by the name of Isaac McQue. He informed Sephyr of Andre’s death and a funeral was planned. The entire band and most of their friend attended with Ellis attempting to offer consolation. Sephyr offered his apology to each member of the band, including Ellis before returning to his mansion where he locked himself away for nearly eight months. 

In the late summer of 2000 Sephyr once again emerged from his hiding place. He returned to his social settings, making frequent appearances at parties and social events to which he was invited. He even put out his final solo album dedicated to Andre. He began to find men to spend time with, rotating between a number of them and labelling them as ‘friends with benefits’. His drug addiction remained at the same level, his depression only worsening without Andre. In the winter of that year he began to self-harm as he had when he was a teen, cutting lines in his ribs. In his mind he considered it to be his punishment. If he could not kill himself, the pain of moving with slashed skin against bone would be enough. 

These activities continued until 2005 when Sephyr awoke from a drunken night on the town in his own bed. At the age of 48 Sephyr was certainly starting to feel the effects of his no food, all drink all drugs lifestyle. Trying to get himself out of bed was a chore, even with the added motivation of the need for a fix. As he tried to sit up he barely noticed the door opening and when the new figure in his life appeared, it was a very confusing moment. In his doorway stood a man in a suit with a tray of coffee and biscuits, as the butler in the Simpkins house had for Adam every morning. 

Baxter Abbott was a young Englishman Sephyr had apparently hired while drunk. Though he could not remember doing so his signature was on the man’s contract. Sephyr protested that he did not been a butler, and was swiftly corrected. Baxter was a Valet. He did not serve a household like a butler, but rather a single person. Jut Sephyr. Again Sephyr protested but Baxter insisted he was told that Sephyr would say these things. Black coffee in hand Sephyr stepped out into the mansion to see that it was spotless. He elected to let the young man stay, if only for now. 

For the most part during the start of their time together Sephyr would be out of the mansion. When he was home he was, if nothing else, Aloof. He would hardly say a word to Baxter. They exchanged minor conversation when Baxter would bring him food. It was very rare that Sephyr would touch it, though not for lack of enjoyment. Less rare would be the outburst of anger or sadness Baxter was subject to. The drugs and drink made Sephyr temperamental and the mounting depression of having lost everything had certainly taken a toll. Baxter was fortunate enough to stop two suicide attempts, but was unable to escape some threats and thrown objects in fits of rage. When he was struck in the face with a plate nine months into his employ, he vowed that this was not the job for him. He drafted resignation papers to be handed to Sephyr the next time he was sober. 

Before Baxter had the chance a visitor to the mansion took his mind from it. A somewhat frequent visitor, Baxter had never gotten along with Sephyr’s drug dealer Alan. The man was much taller than Baxter and being that the Valet was so new to Sephyr’s employ he felt as though it would not be his place to question things. When the man threatened violence against him were he not to go as told and fetch things for him, Baxter believed he might just get away with it. On this occasion, however, with the intention of resigning, Baxter refused. 

The man became violent, threatening Baxter’s life without realizing that Sephyr was standing on the stairs. With speed Baxter had never assumed Sephyr might have the Rock Star moved in, grabbing the dealers arm and twisting it around. He informed the man he would no longer be a customer and that if he saw him on his land again he would kill him. He escorted him out the door and made certain Baxter was alright. He returned to his room with no further mention of the situation. Baxter tore up the resignation and has since become the Head of Staff in the house. He considers Sephyr a close friend although he would never admit it. The same is true of Sephyr.

 Over the course of their time together Sephyr discovered that Baxter held a Lordship. His father held the title, but Baxter was next in line to take it. Baxter had come to Canada on a visa and found that it was running out. Only a year and a half into his employment Baxter was being forced to go home. Unwilling to allow his Valet to go back to a family the other expressed to be abusive, Sephyr began to work his networking magic. Calling in every shady and underhanded favor he could and subjecting himself to several high prices along the way, he had Baxter disappear from the British record books. He was given a fake Canadian passport and a fake citizenship. And was allowed to stay in the country. This had cost Sephyr much.

 The Rock Star had been forced to sign a contract with his drug dealer that he would continue to use until such a time as his debt was paid. He was also subjected to the act of becoming a ‘Strawberry’ for said dealer, spending much of his time with the man on his knees. Sephyr had become accustomed to this sort of abuse in his youth, so considered it a small price for the friendship Baxter offered to him. He never spoke to Baxter about the cost of keeping him in the country, but he never regretted it either.

 The Rock Star now spends more time at home which is either a good or bad thing depending on the day. He still attends social gatherings and when he feels up to it he even goes out for walks and things to that effect, but the drug issues, drinking issues and serious depression are still problems in his life. He has yet to form another relationship and continues to meet his ‘friends’ for ‘company’.