#It’s fucked up but hey we got a scooby doo mystery story in the last third of the au timeline so…

[sikyurame]

Brainworm: What if in the gov experiment au, Gyro just follows the duck cousins like the tragic haunted ghost he is, he doesn’t want to hurt them, but he watches over them maybee.

Donald is spooked, and he wants to go back home. Della smells adventure and probably wants to meet this ghost kid. Fethry would probably go along with Della, sounds like fun. Gladstone is 100% sure his cousins are overthinking it and firmly believes it’s just them knocking down objects when they don’t realize.

[popculturebuffet]

Scooby Doo (2002) Review: The Most Punchable Fred Jones of All Time

It’s one last hurrah for Halloween as I take a look at the often derided 2002 Scooby Doo Movie! See what happens when you combine future superstar director James Gunn with .. the guy who thought directing the Smurf’s movie and Big’s Mama’s House were good ideas. Oh and with a splash of the guy who wrote the loveable family film Cheaper by the Dozen and the utterly loathed Percy Jackson film. It’s as messy as you’d expect with that.. but is it BAD? good, so bad it’s good, just sorta okay? Come with me as I try to find out under the cut with a full review. 

I’ve always loved Scooby Doo. I grew up with the guy, watching reruns of the non-scrappy classic series from Where Are You to the Scooby Doo Movies, the three Superstar 10 movies (Boo Brothers, Ghoul School and Reluctant Werewolf), or the at the time brand new What’s New Scooby Doo. And later in life i’d absolutely adore Mystery Incorporated.. minus the whole Shaggy, Scooby Velma love triangle, but i’ll likely cover that at some point or sooner, you can comission reviews from me for 5 bucks each, 5 dollars off group orders if you really want to make me suffer through that that bad. But getting off self promotion point is I loved and still love the franchise. While I”ve yet to see “Scooby Doo and Guess Who”, though given there’s Weird Al, Kristan Schaal and Urkel episodes you can be sure i’m going to eventually, and Scoob was VERY ehhh even if Dick Dastardly was awesome. But despite my history with the great dane much like with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, despite my rich history with the franchise I haven’t dove in yet and with a friend who could use a nice halloween suprise and loves scooby doo, I figured now was the time to take a look at it.  And since i’d been wanting to take a look at it again anyway, and decided going big wasn’t a bad way to start, i’m taking a look at the 2002 Scooby Doo movie. I saw this flim first run in a drive in, and saw the sequel the same way and loved it as a kid, and fondly remember checking out the Sountrack Preview page back before youtube existed to make checking out soundtracks easier. It was a simplier time. And even rewatching it later with my nieces, I found myself liking it.  And the thing was almost every time this film comes up it’s with a turned up nose. The CGI, the confused audience, the deciding to cast Freddy Prinze Junior.. all terrible decisions that overshadow the film, when it’s not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but it’s not TERRIBLE either. So what is it then? Well i’ll tells ya. Let’s start with

PRODUCTION: Wait James Gunn Wrote This?

At the turn of the millneium Scooby Doo was back on top. After waning popularity during the Scrappy era, the advent of the warner affilated Cartoon Network meant a whole new generation of kids (raises hand) got to experince Scooby Doo for the first time. This new audeince lead to Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, the first of the franchises 80 or so DTV movies that will continue on long after the earth dies, and brought back the franchise after it’s long slumber. Scooby Doo went from dead to as popular as he was in his hey day again. Naturally Warner wanted to cash in and thus this movie was born.  Originally the film was supposed to be a more adult project, a send up of the franchise with more sex jokes and what not than made the final cut according to writer James Gunn. Yes, the same James Gunn who wrote and directed the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and whose currently saving the suicide squad. It was one of Gunn’s earlier films but just from when he’s talked about it, you can tell he genuinely cared about the project.  Along for the ride with our future Guardian was his co-writer, Craig Titely,  who i’m convinced only came in to do punch ups as the guy has only written three other movies. One of them was being one of MANY writers on Cheaper by the Dozen and thus likely not doing much of note with that, and the other.. is being the only writer on Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief’s movie adaptation.. aka the movie the fanbase and general audiences rejected in droves yet SOMEHOW got a sequel. Which is somehow still worse than his other film, one that asks “was the moon landing a hoax?” Spoilers, it wasn’t. Point is this isn’t a resume that screams co creator and more screams “Guy brought in to kid freindly this up”. More on that in a minute.  The director is another less than reassuring face: Raja Gosnell, whose credits BEFORE this film were Home Alone 3, Never Been Kissed and Big Momma’s house.. so already he dosen’t have the best track record but somehow got worse because AFTER this film and it’s sequel he directed both live action Smurfs Movies and the universally hated Show Dogs, aka the film  that thought dog rape was funny. The fact this film isn’t out and out terrible is a miracle. 

Even more so because naturally, as Studios tend to do they interfered: The film was supposed to be more adult, cracking jokes about common things fans of the series growing up thought like Velma is Gay or Shaggy’s a stoner, and having both be fully true. But wanting to appeal to kids, Warner gradually lightned it, hence Craig, and Raja clearly having no shame gladly took it instead of you know.. standing his ground.  So Velma has a love intrest thrown in and her kiss with Daphne is gone, while Shaggy’s toke smoking was lowered to subtext.. because either of those things is bad apparently? I dunno the 2000′s were fucked. 

Point is THAT’S why these films are so tonally confused and why I don’t hold it agains the film now I know: It wasn’t James Gunn or even, as dumb as he is, Raja Gosnell’s fault that the film had some tones clashing when the studio was demanding it, instead of you know, thinking this through at all and realizing more kids cared about Scooby Doo than they would’ve josie and the pussy cats instead of bringing it up DURING production, when most of the adult stuff was in there. It’s also why the sequel has no real adult stuff, though it’s STILL damn good, but i’ll get to that some other day. 

The film was also shot at an actual theme park in australia. Neat. 

So yeah the film’s humor kind of ping pongs between knowing adult winks and kids stuff. We get Scooby dressing like a grandma in the same film shaggy enhales his demon possed love intrests breath like weed. The jokes themselves on average are pretty good: Some of my faviorites include the grandma scene, everything rowan atkinson does, Velma getting drunk off her ass, and the instructional video bit which is easily my favorite bit of the episode and one of my faviorite scooby doo jokes period:

This is even FUNNIER to me on rewatch, as we now know this is an instructional video for demons.. and that Scrappy clearly had enough problems with his demon horde to have to pay for this thing. It tis glorious.  However there also are also a few that HAVE NOT aged well, are very creepy at best and disgusting sexual assault at worst with Daphne getting her ass grabbed by the Luna Ghost at the start being treated as a joke and Fred oggling Daphne’s body when he’s in it being treated as a ha ha and not...

So yeah the humor’s USUALLY good, but the slipups are noticable and do bring things down a bit when they come by. So the humor is decent if mixed and the production’s a nightmare, how’s the plot? The Plot: Scoob, We’re Getting the Band Back Together!

I won’t be as through as usual because this is a 90 minute movie, I’m running behind as is and it’s 20 years old, 

We start with your standard mystery inc case with the Luna Goose, aka Old Man Incel who resented Pamela Anderson for not boning him. But Fred hogging the glory during the resulting News Cast leads the gang to start fighting over lingering tensions: Velma is tired of Fred hogging all the credit when she does most of the legwork solving things, Daphne is tired of being kidnapped and being mistreated by Velma and Freddy who laugh at the idea of her doing more, and Fred..

We’ll get to him later. Shaggy is the only one wanting to stick together, but no one’s having it and the group breaks apart and Matthew LIllard REALLY sells Shaggy’s heartbreak over his friends all abandoning him well. 

Two years later though, with Shaggy and Scooby naturally getting stoned and eating large quantities of food on the beach, have made peace with retirement, and have apparently had to duck tons of people coming to them to solve mysteries since they aren’t about that. The latest in that line is a man representing Emile Mondovarius, the owner of Spooky Island, a vast island resort and theme park. Naturally since it has spooky in the name the boys want nothing but Mondovarius does what honestly every previous guy coming to them should’ve done: offers them an all you can eat buffet.  Since they’ve done more traumatizing for Dog Treats, they agree and it soon turns out the entire gang was invited, though none of them but Shaggy and Scooby are happy to see each other. I will say one of my complaints about the film is it never tackles the emotions behind the breakup: while the teams slowly repairs there are never any outright apologizes or scenes of them recociling or scenes of Shaggy chewing them out for abandoning him due to their spat. It just skips over the emotional bits to either wave a joke for the kiddies around or scream 

Really the jokes aren’t bad, the film just has trouble with actual emotion or depth that could’ve been there and tries for it once in a while, but dosen’t really do anything with it. The gang splitting up’s a good concept, and at this point on Scooby Doo on Zombie Island had really used it, and that was one where they were clearly still close friends and were still in touch they just quit mystery solving for a while till Zombie Island happened. Mystery Incorpreated would finally give this story justice later: Instead of over a petty ego squabble, the gang broke up over underlying tensions: The revelations about Fred’s dad caused him to go try and find himself, Velma alienated herself by hiding things from them, and Shaggy was shipped off to Military School and Scooby doggy prison camp... thankfully the last two didn’t last and Scooby rescued Shaggy with a tank but the tension DIDN’T go away: While the gang mostly reunited, Velma took time to forgive them and also tried bringing in the friend/girlfriend she’d made in the meantime only for her friends to isolate her and throw her out while Daphne took her time to return due to being hurt by fred. It’s complex and good stuff versus here where it’s just “WE’RE APART BECAUSE WE HATES EACH OTHER. And now we’re NOT”. It’s just a waste of a good concept and i’ m glad the franchise got around to doing it right. 

But my gripes aside our heroes head to the resort and meet Mondevarious, who admits outright to having tricked then and with confronted with the gang being broken up, makes it clear he knews.  “That’s the thing about broken things.. you can put them back together.”

And so he did. He needs the Gang’s help as he’s worried about the island and something going wrong there: The teens are leaving polite, well behaved. and clearly not themselves as one reacts to an old friend by neck lifting him and tossing him aside. Something’s deeply wrong here and the gang’s intrest is piqued enough to stay though everyone but Shaggy is determined to solve it themselves out of ego. Mondvarius is played by Rowan Atkinson and while I watched the bean movie as a kid this is where I fell in love with the guy, with later watches of Blackadder confirming that in my college years. Rowan just brings a fun dorky energy to the character and a nice earnestness too but when he later takes a turn for the bad, he does that well too. Atkinson is HIGHLY underated in my opinon and easily the MVP of this film’s supporting cast.   So the investigation begins, and we get our supsects: The first we met on the plane, Mary Jane, a kind blonde played by Isla Fisher who got the job becasue Gosnel, in a rare good decision, saw how talented she was and while still picking Sara Michele Gellar for Daphne, made sure she had  a part. She’s a nice sweet girl who Shaggy falls for and Scooby’s annoyed by it.. though unlike earlier the film beats mystery inc easily here as it’s a more understandable conflict and dosen’t act like Dog Issues is a thing people says. Again i’ll get to that clusterfuck of an arc some day. The other two are N’Goo Tuna, a shady worker at the park who spouts off the legends of the island. In a nice twist, he’s NOT the vilian, as is obvious but is his right hand man. He also has his own right hand and muscle in Zarkos a cool looking Luchador and N’Goo’s muscle. Also N’Goo may be one of the worst names in Scooby Doo History, and that includes Dabba Doo. But the legend claims the island was once owned by demons who want revenge since the resort took the island from him. 

The other is probably my faviorite non Rowan Atkinson character, Voodoo Maestro, played by Miguel Nunez. He’s basically just a guy who lives on the fringes of the island and also hates the resort and tries using voodoo curses. He’s honestly a delight from his attempt to sacrifice a chicken (An already dead one at that), to his general hammy and annoyed at dealing with these teenagers demeanor. NAturally he has nothing to do with this but he’s still a fun addition and I wish he was in more scnenes than the two he gets.  But with what they’ve gathered the gang all end up at a spooky castle attraction, with Scooby and Shaggy of course being bribed by daphne while Velma and Fred show up indpeendntly and end  up finding the weird training video from earlier but all get caught when the traps are activiated> There’s also a farting contest which.. eh not funny to me but i’ve seen so much worse i’m not even remotely upset. But then the traps trigger though during the chaos Fred and Velma are forced to work together and finally start doing so, and Daphne finds a clue: A mysterious pyramid known as the damon righus and finally gets some, if not nearly enough, credit.  So the gang is back together.. even if it’s a tenative peace, the high from solving this and relay to their boss the suspects, including him, though Fred assures Mondovarius it’s just because he’s spooky and rowan’s character’s delight over that is fucking glorious.  So the gang enjoys some down time at the local bar, with Fred and Daphne doing their own look ins, Scooby and Shaggy eating and encountring mary again and Velma getting hit on by a dude while looking over the ritus, revealing it’s some sort of soul sucking aparatus, and going into their history... which is really just an excuse to bring Scrappy in who in this universe, is a horny egotistical little shit whose abandoned as a result. ANd before anyone boos he’s not a puppy here, he’s got.. dog dwarfisim.. which while .. how does that even work... means he’s a grown ass man and deserved this. We also get drunk velma and Linda Caredenlli is a delight

The night gets interupted by terrible cgi monsters, the aformentioned emon who soul suck most of the college kids present and also get fred and velma who both find out these are very much real. We also get the best song on the soundtrack, man with a hex. It slaps. But it makes good chase music as with Mondvarious, Fred and Velma captured, the rest of the gang and mary escape.  The next morning we get a surreal as hell scene as everyone’s partying, Fred’s talking in slang and Velma with clevage, thank you, is chatting up.. Sugar Ray? For those younger of you they were a band at the time. They were a big thing. Not half bad but faded away. They looked as 2000′s as hell though. WHy Smash Mouth gets all the memes and not them is beyond me. Look at lead singer Mark McGrath!It’s like the early 2000′s gained sentience and took a human form. But the gang is quickly forced to run from sugar ray, though they get Daphne in a deleted scene. Why it was deleted I dunno. Point is Shaggy, Scooby and Mary are all alone.. oh and Mary’s possessed. Shaggy and Scooby argue over it because Shaggy just thinks Scooby is jealous and while he is .. why would he lie about this? He’s as cowardly as you are. But Scooby falls through the floor, and Shaggy is now going solo but luckily finds his friends souls, and eveyrone elses in a massive cool looking vat and frees them all.  Velma, when the demon leaves her and confronts her, finds out sunlight kills the demons and saves Daphne from hers... only to find Fred in her body. Daphne is naturally horrified and we do get a great bodyswapping scene.

Our heroes reconvince on the beach where htey find the Maestro who explains what’s going on to a point, with the gang’s clues filling in the blanks: The ritus, which they stole back earlier, is used for a ritual that will allow the Demons to rule over the earth for “a thousand years of darkness” but it requires a pure soul to work. Cue our big bad talking Scooby into being their willing sacrifice since Scooby dooes not understand what a sacrifice is.  Shaggy naturally rallies the group to go save him after their understandably worried since they usually dealt with weirdos in costumes and not the apocalypse.. well okay Velma and Fred aren’t, Daphne dealt with this kind of thing once a week back in Sunnydale. So they set up a plan to destroy all the demons at once by unleashing the soul bath, setting them all loose and then using a spooky disco ball from one of the attractions rigged up over the ritual area to shine the light in. It’s classic scooby doo. 

Things naturally go wrong as while Shaggy goes to rescue scooby and makes up with him, he’s caught, so are fred and velma and they have to scramble, while Daphne looses a fight with the luchador up top while trying to let the light in to finish the trap. Meanwhile Shaggy saves Scooby’s soul just as Mondovarious sucks it out by shoving the guy.. revealing him to be a robot! DUN DUN DUN. And inside is Scrappy.. which you all probably knew already but try to act suprise who wanted to conquer the world as revenge for the gang abandoning him and because again, in this universe he’s kind of an asshole. He absorbs the souls gathered so far and merges with the damon ritus, because we’re operating on video game rules now apparently, so final boss time.  But we get a great climax as Scrappy chases scooby, Daphne goes buffy on Zarkos ass , and as a result he shatters the glass and lets the light in releasing the disco ball the kill the demons.. man I love that I get to type things like that. Scooby removes the ritus and defeats his nephew and the day is saved. Velma hooks up with random guy, Daphne and Fred get together, I die inside a little and Shaggy and Mary Jane bond. At the press Fred does his good deed for the movie by letting Velma explain things and get the spotlight and the group have firmly reunited. THE END. Overall it’s a solid plot, that works well, comes together in the end and was well put together, it’s more the filling that causes it to tilt back and forth a bit, but overlal outside of the issue I mentioned it’s a good scooby doo plot. While some have pointed out it is similar to zombie island, a case reuniting the gang, the person who brought them there wanting to sacrifice them, or just scooby here, monsters being real, it works because everything else is so different. But since there’s more to break down and it’s easier to give it it’s own section let’s look at...

THE CHARACTERS: NOT HALF BAD, FRED CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. 

So we’re down to character.. and since there’s a blonde, preeening, selfish, arrogant, sleazy, sexist, obnoxious, loud mouthed, useless elephant in the room, let’s start with Fred. And to quote it’s always sunny....

Yeah so that fury of a thousand crashing waves (Cracks Knuckles): Fred is the worst part of this movie, the worst version of the character across the entire franchise that i’ve seen with the sincre doubt that there is ANY version worse than this. Everything I said above is true and THEN some. He is one of the most unlikable characters i’ve seen in a film that wasn’t INTENDED to be. There’s just NOTHING to like about him. Nothing. He treats his “Friends” like garbage, all four of them: He basically ignores shaggy and scooby at best and treats them as if they were nothing. For Velma he’s your classic power abusing douche who pushes her to the side and often steals the credit for things she did. He’s still a good mystery solver, but he acts like he does all the work to the press and takes all the credit when Velma works as hard as he does if not harder. And worst of all is Daphne, who he basically either treats like some moron who gets kidnapped due to incompetence and not because creepy old dudes want to feel her up, which given the intro is VERY likely the reason she’s the resident victim of the group, and not like a person, or like a pair of boobs and legs he wants to bang or feel up creepily while he’s in her body. For fuck’s sake his reaction to finding out he’s in her body is a creepy and smug “I can see myself naaaakeddd” If that dosen’t make you want to smack him get off my blog. And they get together in the end! 

Who who wanted that. I genuinely want the presumibly original ending where Daphne and Velma hook up and Fred falls off a pier and is never seen again. The acting does not help. While the other four gang members are expertly cast Fred was given to Freddy Prinze Junior, who made a career out of playing arrogant dicks who are somehow the main character so I can’t fault the casting but I can fault that he can’t delver any line without that smug air of trying to be cool douche and it’s at it’s worst with Fred since Fred’s already written as the biggest creepiest douche in the world and Freddy somehow makes it WORSE. He also has zero chemstiry with Daphne, which would be weird given he and Sarah Michelle Gellar had dated for 2 years at this point and as of this writing have been together for 20 overall and have two wonderful kids together... but given how badly written Fred is here, I can’t blame either of them. And i’m sure FPJ is a swell guy, loves his kids loves his wife seems like a really plesant guy, nothing against him as a person, but at least at this point in his career he wasn’t very good. And I am actually planning on trying to seek out one of his later works in his career to see if he’s gotten better in recent years, and willing to give him the benifit of a doubt that he probably has. I just don’t like him here, and while the script does most of the work he only makes it worse.And works before this (Pup Named Scooby Doo) and after this (Mystery Incorperated) would prove you can give fred a personality that’s not dick tip, so fuck this character, fuck the writing.. and I hope Freddy is having a happy halloween with his loving wife and children, seriously I meant it I have nothing against him as a person. A terrible actor can still be a WONDERFUL guy. 

Now that’s thankfully put to bed, let’s pivot over to Shaggy, whose easily the best of the cast. Matthew Lillard looks the part pefectly, has the right combination of heart and goofus and has some great comedic timing. Granted Scream had already proven the guy’s got genuine talent, but still he’s great here and is currently playing Shaggy in most films and productions, except Scoob which.. was far from it’s only mistake but easily the biggest. There’s not much else to say: the guy IS Shaggy and is the only person whose taken up the roll to equal Kasey Casem in it. As for how he’s written.. he’s basically the same and apart from one line of him wanting to leave everyone to their deaths, which feels like it was added later, he’s written really well and is easily the most likeable of the group. 

Scooby is alright. Not the best version but funny and charming enough when he needs to be and while I hated the CGI at one point.. it’s honestly not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but time has actually been very good to it both in how it’s held up and in the fact we’ve gotten SO MUCH WORSE with so much better techlogies. I mean.. Cats exists.. Marmaduke Exists.. the Bill Murray Garfield exists. This was offputting at the time but now it’s just okay. But character wise he’s good and again not much diffrent. 

Velma is the second best casting of the movie. Played by Linda Cardenelli, who i’ve harbored a crush on for a good few decades now and admire mostly for her talent and charm, Linda kills the roll and easily slips into it as easily as Matt did, and while not picking it up full time like he did, still did it a few times afterword and played hot dog water in mystery incorperated, so she did finally get to play a Lesbian Velma it just took a while. And while Velma being gay is kind of sterotyping, it would’ve been nice to have been kept in instead of edited out for bullshit reasons. But overal her character is decent: While she ALSO bullies and belittles daphne like fred, unlike fred it comes less from just being a douche and more from insecurity. As her scene at the bar makes clear she feels undervalued like the other, like the nerd who the cool kids LET hang out with them instead of part of the team. While it dosen’t make her treatment of Daphne OKAY, it makes Velma understandable. We also get Velma Clevage which.. okay not sure if the world needed that but whatever. Point is it’s throughly likeable portryal that I wish got some character growth.  Finally out of the main 5 there’s Daphne, whose alright. Not as good as the other two, as it feels they lean a bit too heavily on her having taken self defense and wanting ot be tougher, but Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her a ton of charm and likeablity that her husband’s character sadly lacks. There’s just a fun, adorable energy to daph that ends up coupling with her buffy style badassery at the end and Sarah plays both beautifully. The script didn’t give her a ton to work with, though that’s the same for all four of htem, but Sarah really made the character work and made her somewhat memorable despite not being as good as Linda or Matthew. Basically not the best, but still a comfortable third ahead of scooby doo and jackass jones. 

As for the rest of the cast, Rowan Attkinson i’ve covered and is utterly fantastic as is the Voodoo Maestro, and both should get hteir own hbo max spinoff together. The minons.. stupid name and luchadoor are decent enough, nothign special but they have presence and do the job of goon well. And Mary Jane is alright.. the joke is WAY too on the nose to be funny and she’s mostly just there to be sweet, but she’s harmless. Not good but not bad.  So finally we have our big bad, Scrappy. And i’m.. mixed about this. On one hand, Scott Innes, who it turns out is also from Missouri good on you dude!, does a terrific job and I couldn’t tell it wasn’t don messick as Scrappy and he plays him as evil great. On the other.. it’s just kinda goofy. Out of all the tips of hte hat to scooby stuff this feels the most over the top. Scrappy was hated, including by james gunn.. so he’s the bad guy. It’s just a bit on the nose, and the twist is pretty easily teligraphed since Scrappy suspciously is mentioned in one scene so him showing up at all is pretty easy to see coming. It’s not terible but it’s not great. His demon minons also just suck.. the designs are wonky and their cgi, unlike scooby and scrappy’s, is just REALLY bad and dated, and even as a kid I never liked them. 

FINAL THOUGHTS:  Scooby Doo is a decent but messy movie. The clashing tones, dated humor and godawful version of fred drag it down at times, and it’s very clear this had a lot of hands in the pot. But.. I still enjoy it. It’s not the best scooby ever, tha’ts mystery incorpeated, but it has great atmosphere, some good ideas, an utterly spectacular with one exception cast, and some really funny jokes. I genuinely feel the film is overhated when it’s a unique, weird and wonderful slice of Scooby. For better or worse there’s no other Scooby doo property quite like it, and that’s what makes it so fun. And it has enough good performances and jokes to smooth out the edges. It’s not the best, it’s a mess.. but sometimes a mess is fun and I like this flim for being a fun mess I can enjoy with my nieces and talk about to all of you. And sometimes that’s all you need.  Thank you for reading this. If you like this you can comission your own review: 5 bucks for a tv episode, 15 for a movie, 10 for an hour long special, and 5 dollars off when you order more than one episode of a show at a time. Just send me a direct message or ask on here and we’ll get started. Until then you can check out my backlog of reviews, check this space every monday for ducktales reviews, and VOTE DAMMIT VOTE. Until we meet again it’s been a pleasure. Play us out Atomic Fireballs, it’s been a wonderful halloween. 

[henrikvanderswoon]

MURDER AT TURQUOISE INN: A Nancy Drew Story Written by 10-year-old Yours Truly Readthrough

Alright, guys, you asked for it! It’s pouring down rain outside, I’ve grabbed some tea, I have my entire Nancy Drew game music track playlist going, and I’m ready to crack this s nutcase wide open.

Absolute ridiculousness below: 

The fact that this story is titled “Murder at Turquoise Inn” is already sending me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I spelled it terquoice on the cover page.

I also started this story out with a letter to Ned. God bless. 

Dear Ned, Beth Robertson was murdered! 

As if Ned (or anyone else) even knows who the fuck Beth Robertson is, Nancy. 

I named the owner of the inn Tina Mulberry, and I think that was very sexy of me. 

“I turned to do something, and when I came back, she was dead on the floor! I could tell because her heart wasn’t beating and she wasn’t breathing!”

I mean… that’ll do it, Tina. That’ll do it. 

Oh, but she can’t prove anything now because she ran to get help and when she returned the body was fucking MISSING.

Bess throws a conniption fit every time someone says “Beth.”

“Oh, hello, Nancy,” she greeted.

“Hello,” Nancy greeted back. 

That is some…some god-tier writing right there. 

I really had no concept of space and time in fifth grade.

It was a huge room. Bigger than the cafeteria in Ned’s college.

Oh, was it? 

A message from the author: Hey kiddos, if you’re snooping around in someone’s closet and you come across a completely conspicuous button just chilling on the wall, don’t press it.

The three girls came out of the closet.

Well, there you have it, folks. Nancy, Bess, and George are gay. Everyone’s gay. Even your cat is gay.

Tina has a niece named Lily who calls her Mrs. Mulberry. Also, Tina consistently neglects her work duties in favor of writing a screenplay at the front desk computer and I have no idea why. 

The murderer is walking around leaving stupid messages with the drawing of a knife on them trying to curse everyone and I’m so confused. Where the hell was I going with this? 

“I KNOW YOU SAW BETH DEAD, BUT IF YOU TELL ANYONE, A DEADLY CURSE WILL FALL UPON YOU.”

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN FUCKING MEAN?

The lines in this thing are really just peak writing:

George took off after him at a safe distance to avoid being seen. But BAD LUCK FOR HER, the man jumped into a car and drove off.

 Someone sabotaged the girls’ rental car while they were away from the hotel, and this couple they literally just met are like: “I just remembered, we have an extra car that we don’t use. You could use that.” Who the fuck–?

Uh, oh. They got back to the hotel and found their own curse lying in Bess’ suitcase:

LAY OFF THE CASE, NANCY DREW. YOU MADE MRS. MULBERRY TELL YOU THE MURDER STORY. NOW THE CURSE IS UPON YOU TOO.” 

This sounds like a ten-year-old wrote it… wAiT A MiNutE–

Literally nothing in this story explains what the curse would even do to them. I love myself.

The culprit: *leaves threatening messages warning people not to speak about the murder or they’ll be cursed*

Nancy:

“Oh, hello,” Jackson greeted.

“Hi,” Nancy said. “Say! Have you heard about the murder?”

I ALMOST SPAT OUT MY TEA.

Also:

“I’m going to the store to, um, get some stuff. Like food.”

“But there’s foot here.”

“I just want to BUY things, okay? You’re so NOSEY!”

Jackson stormed off, leaving Nancy astonished. That put him on her suspect list FOR SURE.

This is a literary gem.

The way the dialogue sounds in this thing…I mean you can just tell the only written media I had been consuming at that time was the 1930′s books. 

“I think,” Nancy replied. “That tomorrow we should go to the place where I followed Jackson.”

Giving me Scooby-Doo vibes too. 

The number of times Bess says something like, “Why, Nancy!” or “This is horrid!” really makes me want to turn this into a drinking game. Take a shot every time Bess speaks like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. 

“Oh, fiddlesticks,” Bess exclaimed. 

…

No comment. 

Also, Nancy’s unadulterated sass my fifth-grade self gave her is both the worst and the best thing I’ve ever seen: 

“But what if the house isn’t empty?” Bess asked. 

“Bess, please. Ever heard of the word: S-N-E-A-K?”

I want to harpoon myself. 

There’s an elaborate maze of tunnels running underground that connects the hotel to this sketchy house miles away. The characters consistently find themselves back there several times throughout the story and literally nothing about it makes any sense at all, nor is it ever explained.  

“Man, that passageway confuses me,” said George.

Thank you, George, it confuses all of us. 

I’m actually embarrassed about how many times I refer to the group of characters as a “threesome” or a “foursome” in this thing. It’s really just the worst.

The culprit purposefully leaves behind their real initials multiple times in this story and has the audacity to be surprised when they get caught at the end? Iconique™. 

“I’m just a weird ol’ guy, Sweety-Cakes.” 

Ned, are you okay? Was I okay when I wrote this? 

Ned’s coming to visit, and he brings Burt and Dave with him and boy howdy did I forget about those two. 

“This mystery sounds dangerous,” Burt remarked. “Shouldn’t you leave this case to the men?” 

“I’d like to see you try,” Nancy fired back.

Yaaaassss, Queen. Get his ass. 

Also the murderer has now resorted to hitting people with a driverless vehicle and I’m honestly convinced ten-year-old me was on drugs. 

“Good! We were starting to get worried about you.” 

“Oh, don’t worry about me. I…wait…wait, actually, worry about me!” 

The line goes dead here because Lily’s car was uhhhh T-boned. 

My only regret in this story is that the Hardy Boy’s are not here. Although, in hindsight, they’re probably lucky they didn’t get subjected to this shitshow. 

Meanwhile, George thought maybe Bess had made a mistake and walk’s into the men’s bathroom. She walked in but found no one–well, except a bunch of screaming men. 

I don’t even know what to say. 

They went to see Lily in the hospital and Bess got hit by a driverless car in the fucking parking lot. WHAT KIND OF MADWOMAN WOULD WRITE THIS I CAN’T BREATHE.

That night, back at the hotel, Nancy gets lured out of the hotel and into the back forest behind it because someone’ s playing weird music and I’m just now realizing my child self had no idea what kind of theme to run with here (murder, hauntings, curses, GTA) so I just went with all of them at once.

“I could just destroy it,” Ned said as he studied the lock. “Stand back.” Backing up a few yards, he bolted for the cabin door and broke it down with a strong kick. “For Nancy!” he shouted. 

HeR Interactive’s Ned could never.

 So they find Nancy tied up in a cabin in the woods and, lo and behold there’s a trap door that LeADs InTo tHE UnDeRGroUnD TuNnEls. Who’da thunk?

And of course they find a journal written in code, and the code key just happens to have been left in the cabin. 

“I’ve written this journal in code so if anyone finds it, they will not discover my secret. Okay, now that I’ve said that, here is my secret.” 

This is the first line Nancy decodes. I’m…

Naturally, we find out that Beth Robertson was not dead, but just kidnapped (don’t even ask me how the fuck they got her body to appear dead…drugs?) and being held in the underground tunnels. 

Because this makes perfect sense. 

“You seem different. Your voice doesn’t sound the same and you’re a little shorter than you usually…” Tiffany trailed off. “You are Jackson, aren’t you?”

“No,” Ned said. “Thanks for asking.” 

This is 100 times funnier without context so I’m not giving you any. 

I don’t know about you guys, but if I was arranging a meeting with a colleague and they showed up in a ski mask and a hooded cloak, I’d be a little suspicious.

“But you’ re supposed to be delivering Nancy Drew poisonous flowers from her ‘boyfriend.’”

Oh my god this bitch pulls a gun on Ned and together the rest of the group (you know, the ones who haven’t been hit by a car) fucking go APESHIT on this woman’s ass. I CAN’T BREATHE. 

And of course they find Beth tied up somewhere in the tunnels and get her to safety, and they learn that Bess and Lily are recovering well in the hospital and go to visit them and everything’s all bright and happy. 

THE LAST LINE OF THE STORY HAS ME SCREAMING, THOUGH. To the point where I’m just gonna sign off here and leave you all with it. 

“Man.” Lily looked sad. “I wish I hadn’t missed almost the whole thing.” 

Bess spoke up. “I, on the other hand, am glad.” 

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #239

Thur Dec 17 2020 [10:52 PM] Umbramatic: :O [10:52 PM] Wack'd: I'm gonna guess Batman. You'd never expect that

[10:53 PM] Umbramatic: its the spanish inquisition [10:54 PM] Wack'd: So this mystery guest is a woman with short black hair, having come to see the Four all the way from Arizona on a matter of life or death. She also mentions in thought balloons that

"It's been so long--so many years since we last saw each other. I wonder if he ever thinks of me--of us."

[10:55 PM] Bocaj: I don't think I know of anyone with black hair [10:55 PM] Wack'd: Lucky for her, especially given it's the dead of night, the Four's little corner of the Baxter now has a receptionist. Uh. Kinda.

[10:57 PM] Wack'd: Reed meanwhile has been up for three days straight trying to fix the current Ben related-fuckup. He blamed himself, of course. Sue tries to reassure him that Ben probably doesn't hold him accountable [10:58 PM] Wack'd: Huh!

[10:58 PM] Wack'd: You know what? Fair dues. I did not see this coming. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: Doctors Hate Her! [10:59 PM] Bocaj: I always thought of Aunt Petunia not appearing until later [10:59 PM] Bocaj: In my mind she was sort of a the ghost for a while in the sense of sir not appearing [10:59 PM] Wack'd: I mean hey, twenty years is a hell of a while. [10:59 PM] maxwellelvis: As an aside, from what I remember of Ben's wedding, it looks like Aunt Petunia started aging in real time as if the Four had gotten their powers NOW as in 1982 [11:00 PM] Wack'd: "Doctors Hate Her!" Funny you say that max because Ben describes Petunia as a "genuine country doctor." [11:00 PM] maxwellelvis: Ha! [11:01 PM] Wack'd: So Petunia meets the gang. Sue mentions she was expecting someone older, which Petunia takes in stride [11:02 PM] Wack'd: It turns out Petunia married into the family. She, uh. Well. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: Ben's Uncle Jake got into an auto accident, which killed his wife. Petunia, then a student nurse, became his medical student, and then his wife. [11:02 PM] Wack'd: That...sure is a course of events! [11:03 PM] Bocaj: 😬 [11:03 PM] Bocaj: That feels like it fits into a trend with Byrne [11:03 PM] Wack'd: Doesn't it just. (Though I will again point out he is not responsible for Sue having been creepily young when she and Reed hooked up. That's Lee.) [11:04 PM] maxwellelvis: I can see why Slott decided to retcon Aunt Petunia into the grandmotherly type for the wedding. [11:04 PM] Bocaj: Oh now I know where MCU Aunt May has absorbed life force from [11:04 PM] Wack'd: So the "life or death" matter involves her home out in Arizona with Jake. The whole town is in danger of being "frightened to death." [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: So call Mystery Incoporated [11:05 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh wait, this is 1982, Mystery Inc.'s broken up. [11:06 PM] Wack'd: So. Uh. This is Uncle Jake.

[11:06 PM] Wack'd: And this is Aunt Petunia.

[11:07 PM] maxwellelvis: Yeah, she'd have to have a few more gray hairs than that if she's known Ben since he was a boy, I think. [11:07 PM] Wack'd: She does not seem to have. [11:08 PM] Wack'd: So the Four arrive in Benson, Arizona, and the narration informs us that Ben had been the only one who approved of Jake marrying Petunia, and. [11:09 PM] maxwellelvis: That's what all the instances of Ben invoking her name had led me to believe. [11:09 PM] Wack'd: Look I want to take for granted this is messed up and move on but the damn book seems dead set against me doing this. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, anyways, I guess that means we've hit the OTHER side of John Byrne's run. [11:10 PM] maxwellelvis: Aspect, perhaps [11:10 PM] Wack'd: Sue mentions we don't know much about Ben's past. Ben says his mom and died died when he was a teen and Jake raised him. [11:10 PM] Wack'd: (We don't really know much of Reed's past at this point, though I am given to understand this will also change in the near future.) [11:11 PM] maxwellelvis: This part is just Byrne telling Steve Gerber he can fuck off. [11:11 PM] Wack'd: Gerber, I assume, would instruct Bryne to get in line. [11:12 PM] Wack'd: Racism? Anyone want some racism? Anyone think what this story could really use, right about now, is some racism?

[11:13 PM] Bocaj: Eesh [11:13 PM] maxwellelvis: (Gerber I think was one of the first writers to use the "Ben grew up on Yancy St." backstory) [11:14 PM] maxwellelvis: (Unless he didn't write that issue of Marvel Two-In-One, in which case it would probably be Roy Thomas that Byrne was dismissing here) [11:16 PM] maxwellelvis: (I would look this up, but I physically cannot get to my Essential 2-in-1 collection atm) [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So Ruth's child assistant(?) Wendy is upset that Ruth, rather than just appreciating the arrowhead, started a whole excavation. She has fond memories of this place because when her mom was sick they'd come to the site and collect rocks and whatnot. [11:16 PM] Wack'd: So that's not ominous.

[11:17 PM] Wack'd: We skip forward to that night, where two of Ruth's more non-child students are doing some late-night archeology. A mist comes at them and then BAM! Scared to death! [11:18 PM] Wack'd: MEANWHILE IN THE HIMALAYAS [11:19 PM] maxwellelvis: I was putting something in the oven, thinking "Oh man, it better not be the Miracle Man again" and then we cut to the Himalayas [11:19 PM] Wack'd: Quicksilver has been fighting some kind of war, apparently, while Crystal--suffering complications from a half-mutant half-Inhuman pregnancy--is being treated by whoever this guy is.

[11:20 PM] Wack'd: Pietro here is apparently the only guy in all of Attilan who's not come down with some sort of mysterious disease. [11:20 PM] maxwellelvis: He looks like the Leader, if the Leader was slowly turning into a raisin. [11:20 PM] Wack'd: And Attilan is being destroyed, leaving Pietro as their only hope. [11:21 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh yeah, he just looks like the PICTURE of health here, don't he [11:21 PM] Umbramatic: gfrtvtigyhhuihjio;opkp [11:21 PM] Bocaj: The funny thing is that mutant and inhuman genes apparently cancel out [11:22 PM] Bocaj: Or Crystal and Pietro won the silliest genetic lottery [11:22 PM] Wack'd: Back in Arizona, Reed is having no luck cracking the case, while Frankie and Wendy get some bonding time in

[11:23 PM] Wack'd: So, uh. Because this story just did not have enough going on, it turns out Wendy's dad is beating her. [11:23 PM] Umbramatic: oh [11:24 PM] Wack'd: Frankie tries to intervene but Wendy begs her to back off, so she figures there's nothing to be done and leaves. [11:24 PM] Bocaj: Comic are you sure you're up to this content [11:25 PM] Wack'd: I feel like Reed should be caught a bit more flatfooted by someone he looks up to intellectually telling him he can't fix things with guesswork.

[11:26 PM] Wack'd: Sue and Ben want to take action of some kind but Reed points out that, uh, they can't really punch their way out of this one. [11:27 PM] maxwellelvis: I'd make more scooby-doo jokes, but John Byrne deciding to put a Very Special Episode in here has kind of made that feel... not so fun anymore. [11:28 PM] Wack'd: That night, Wendy sneaks out of her house to go talk to the mists. Turns out that’s who her wonderful friends are. [11:30 PM] Wack'd: I think she wants to beg them for mercy? The narration boxes get kinda cryptic. Anyway if that's what she's done, it reeeaaally doesn't work.

[11:30 PM] Wack'd: "What was that about not being able to fight our way out?" [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I think Slott revisited some of this [11:32 PM] Bocaj: I vaguely remember mists and gremlins when Franklin and Valeria were staying with aunt petunia post wedding [11:33 PM] Bocaj: But as it was the same story where Sue made Doom naked on a live broadcast the details escape me [11:33 PM] Wack'd: So on top of these weird things the entire town is now also set on fire and also in a giant windstorm. The Four put out the fires but the damage is done and most of the town decides to evacuate. [11:33 PM] Umbramatic: oh yes that one [11:35 PM] Wack'd: what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK

[11:36 PM] maxwellelvis: Oh of COURSE Byrne has Reed sympathize with an abusive parent. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: Okay so for starters, because this is the thing I'm the least mad about, everything about this resolution is fucking nonsense. We know basically nothing about any of the other people who got "frightened to death" and so as the readers had no ability to draw upon our own knowledge of their morality or why they might not be able to handle seeing visions of their worst selves. [11:37 PM] Wack'd: From there we get to the fact that, for all the ways Ruth and Reed protested earlier, this is a massive pile of assumptions with absolutely no backing in fact or evidence. [11:37 PM] Umbramatic: geez [11:38 PM] Wack'd: Speaking of Ruth, she said that the arrowhead was crucial, and Ben speculated that may be the excavation released the spirits and they needed to be re-buried. They don't out right say it, but this may as well be a "ancient Indian burial ground" plot. [11:39 PM] Umbramatic: yeesh [11:39 PM] Wack'd: And from there we get, yes, Reed saying that their job is not to judge people, therefore they can't do anything about an abusive parent. Which is frankly just moral cowardice and also really gross. [11:40 PM] maxwellelvis: And also a grim portent of things to come in this era. [11:41 PM] Wack'd: And so the story ends, with. I think the implication is that Wendy asked her "friends" to take care of her dad for her? Which is okay, I guess, but doesn't really fix the way everybody else reacts to this.

[11:42 PM] Wack'd: The story is also just plain all over the place. There's absolutely no reason for the characters who get the Four involved in the plot to be Ben's Aunt Petunia--except-- [11:42 PM] Wack'd: Oh. The whole town got judged. [11:43 PM] Wack'd: Did John Bryne really just write a plot where a bunch of cosmic arbiters of justice basically give the okay to marrying your student [11:43 PM] maxwellelvis: RED FLAG [11:44 PM] Wack'd: This a lot, huh. [11:45 PM] Wack'd: Well, maybe whatever Inhumans nonsense is going on will help clear my head.

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 175

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 27 - “Rin-chan’s Date with a Handsome Ghost!?” Date watched: 24 March 2020 Original air date: 12 August 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/7vdwVuj Transformation Gallery: https://imgur.com/a/6k6SzS0 Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

not pictured: a handsome ghost

Are you ready for more summer vacation antics? How about some ghost stories! No, not the gag dub kind, I mean actual ghost stories. Yes, tonight the girls decide to poke around an abandoned wing of their school and wind up in the middle of something bigger than themselves. Let’s dive in!

The Plot

All the girls are gathered around a table in the dark as Komachi tells them the story of Count Rosett, who used to live in a mansion behind the school with his girlfriend, until she died in a tragic accident. The count lived out the rest of his days in sadness and now his spirit returns to the school on the anniversary of her death. Nozomi, Urara, Milk, and Coco are all a little scared by the story, Karen and Nuts seem indifferent or even bored, but Rin is scared out of her mind. So naturally they go check it out.

Over in Nightmare, Kawarino himself summons Arachnea to the office and tells her that while her work is good, if she instills fear into her opponents, then they’ll expend all their energy. Sound advice honestly. With that in mind, she sets off, and begins to haunt the girls on their ghost hunt. How timely! Arachnea plays her card very quickly by bringing a skeleton to life, which makes itself known to Rin and only Rin, so she bolts off down the hallway away from the other girls. Suddenly she runs into another shadowy figure.... who reveals herself as Masuko Mika, who is inexplicably here at the same time with the same objective of finding the ghost and reporting on it.

or they’re doing the fusion dance

Nozomi, Urara, Komachi, Karen, and the fairies continue exploring the school building, trying to find Rin, and end up in a pitch-black classroom. Karen bumps into something, and when they shine the light on it revealing it to be a large statue of a man, she finally gets scared and screams. After Karen calms down, Komachi deduces that this must be Count Rosett, and then they see a large portrait on the wall of a woman who looks a lot like Rin.

or more accurately the animators drew Rin’s head on this random portrait

Rin and Mika continue wandering around until the skeleton reappears and starts chasing both of them. Rin trips and falls but Mika doesn’t stop, so Rin scrambles into a nearby classroom to hide and the skeleton passes her by. This time, though, she comes face to face with yet another specter, as a large shadowy figure reaches for her, and this one isn’t a student.

She freaks right the fuck out and loses consciousness. When she comes to, the other girls are surrounding her and asking what happened. When she explains, Komachi puts the pieces of the puzzle together and deduces that this was Count Rosett, the portrait was of his deceased girlfriend, and he was trying to give Rin a gift for his girlfriend. They convince her to try to meet him again and resolve his centuries-old suffering by accepting the gift. She really does not want to but they beg and plead her and she begrudgingly agrees to try it. Once again she enters the room and lo and behold the shadowy figure reaches for her. However the girls suddenly finds themselves in broad daylight in the courtyard of the school building and adjacent mansion, with a handsome man standing in front of her. He greets her and presents her with a rose-shaped hairpin, but before Rin can explain that she’s not his lover, the sky turns purple and Arachnea makes her appearance. She gloats about this excellent terrain and turns the wandering skeleton into a Kowaina, which is just a giant skeleton with a Kowaina mask on its forehead. Rin and the other girls quickly transform. 

The monster wreaks havoc on the mansion, which Rouge takes special exception to on behalf of the Count, and Arachnea retorts that it doesn’t matter anyway since this is a false world, before reminding Rouge that she had just been deathly afraid of the Count’s ghost mere moments ago. Rouge exclaims that her fear went away when he communicated his feelings and the girls all go on the attack. Mint and Aqua and then Dream and Lemonade perform a nice one-two combo on the monster as Rouge declares that she won’t forgive Nightmare for wrecking the Count’s house, even in an illusion world, and then her brooch glows and she summons her new weapon, the Rouge Tact. She uses it to perform a powered-up version of her finisher: Rouge Burning

The items should have been called Rouge Torch and Dream Tact but what do I know

This attack utterly destroys the Kowaina, and the mansion returns to its former beauty. The girls detransform and Count Rosett once again tries to give Rin the hairpin. She tells him she isn’t the girl he was waiting on, but he responds that she fought so hard for his sake and he just wants her to have it. She smiles the biggest smile and then the Count and the scenery fade away, leaving the girls back in the school building, with Rin still holding the hairpin. As they leave the building, Nozomi teases Rin about possible latent feelings for the Count, and then Mika reappears screaming about how she was chased by a skeleton. Komachi suggests they go back inside and get pictures, but Mika is too afraid to see any more ghosts. However, Rin states that ghosts are just like people, they experience normal feelings and once those feelings are communicated there’s no cause for fear, a marked change from her earlier behavior.

The Analysis

It’s shameless summer filler and it is EXCELLENT. This is how you do low-stakes. It’s fun! It’s a great character spotlight! It takes us new places! It ties into typical summer activities! This plays out like an episode of Scooby-Doo, with a shoujo bent. It’s comedy gold from the very beginning, when Komachi tells a ghost story and the others are varying degrees of afraid and all the way through the episode when Rin is the only one being haunted, either by Arachnea’s interference, classmates, or actual ghosts. The poor girl can’t get a break. But the comedy is done excellently, and the episode is positively filled with wonderful facial expressions (which is why my gallery ballooned to 132 images, a record for a non-movie or finale episode, so check that out).

I love how Karen and Nuts are just so over it all, while Komachi is too excited about the mystery to be scared. It makes sense given her affinity for literature, she’s heard it all before and she just wants to see if there’s any weight to the rumors. Nuts, being well-read and also generally apathetic, is probably just not spooked by ghost stories period. But back to Rin: Nozomi explains how she’s positively terrified by ghosts, and so of course she’s the one that ends up seeing them all, and ultimately meeting Count Rosett in the flesh (sorta) teaches her a valuable lesson that hey, they’re not so bad if you can reach an understanding. I don’t believe this has any lasting impact on her character but I might be wrong. I hope we see some hint of this going forward.

As I said, while Rin is scared out of her wits, the other girls are far from unshakeable. Even Karen, who spends about half of the episode acting bored, finally flips when she bumps into what she thinks is a person in the dark.

Nuts is still unimpressed though

Nozomi and Urara are scared when they start but everyone’s animosities fade away once they find the portrait of Count Rosett’s presumed girlfriend, and all they can think of is trying to get him to meet Rin and put him to final rest.

This and the next episode have really made me realize a problem to the show at this point, however. Since they got rid of Girinma, Nightmare’s only grunt is Arachnea, while Gamao is still wandering around as a free agent, and the two basically alternate episodes. Bunbee is going to dip his toes in the water again in episode 29 but it’s kind of a slog on the villain side until episode 31 when Hadenya and Bloody show up. Gamao is completely unlikeable and Arachnea has all the personality of a loaf of stale bread. Her attempt at being scary here consists of chasing Rin with a skeleton in an already haunted setting. That’s all she can muster. I’m very reticent to give Smile Precure credit for anything but they definitely had a better haunted school episode.

During the battle, Rouge accesses her portion of the Symphony Set for the first time, which is called the Rouge Tact. “Tact” is of course a name that will be reused for various Precure baton weapons in the coming seasons. The wiki says that it’s derived from the German word “taktstock”, which refers to a music conductor’s baton. As for its design, it is a large leaf shape with a handle on one end and an extension on the other which lights on fire. As I quipped above, I think it should have been called “Rouge Torch” while Dream’s baton should have another name, but oh well. The way she uses it is interesting, as you’d expect her to use it to launch a fireball directly at the enemy but she doesn’t. During her normal Rouge Fire attack, she creates a burning butterfly from the back of her hand and then palmstrikes it into the monster. Here, instead, she ignites the tact, then in a single motion she swoops the flame in front of her as the butterfly separates from her hand, she releases the tact and grabs it with her right hand as she pulls back with her left for a palmstrike and the burning butterfly shoots towards her enemy. A lot happens in a short time but the effect isn’t dramatically different from her normal attack, and rather than shooting a stream of fire directly from the tact she just uses it like a lighter. Once again, it suggests the staff weren’t sure how to incorporate the Symphony Set into the show.

I appreciate them remembering that Masuko Mika exists but it’s a really big coincidence that she’s here on this night. The script didn’t make it clear whether the ghost was spotted on one night every year, or every month, or just randomly. If they had clarified that, it may have made more sense for her to appear. I’m glad they’re trying to incorporate her but all she really does is scare Rin, sneak around, and then run off at the first sign of actual spookiness. Bring her into the group dang it! Make her a friend of the precures. Minor complaint.

From a cinematorgraphy standpoint this episode has some really cool camera shots. My absolute favorite is this zoom back from the abandoned wing of the school:

And later on the inverse: a zoom in and tilt upwards to look at the portrait of the lady that resembles Rin:

These scenes help to breathe some energy into the episode and provide atmosphere, enhancing the creepy and mysterious mood of the place.

Then there’s this sequence where the girls are trying to convince Rin to go find Count Rosett again, where the camera dollies back in stages and then shifts right to look at Karen.

I don’t remember seeing complex camerawork like this in previous episodes so to have so many of these unique shots in one episode is really cool and it makes me want to see more of it.

Finally, while this isn’t a very complicated shot, I like this bit from the fight where Dream and Lemonade perform a double kick in perfect sync.

I’m a sucker for cool fight choreorgraphy and this fits the bill. Sure, we’ve seen other more complex fights in this season alone but I like to call them all out when I find them.

(reminder: you can find higher resolution copies of these gifs in my gallery, I have to keep them under 2 MB for Tumblr)

All told, this episode is a fantastic summer ghost story. It balances comedy with an interesting mystery and provides Rin with just enough character growth to justify her unlocking her new finisher. It’s got some wonderful facial expressions that you can find in my gallery and it’s only brought down a little by its unerwhelming villain.

Next time, another summer staple: it’s time for a festival! Look forward to it!

Pink Precure catchphrase count: 0 kettei!

[hillywooddestiel]

Stranger Things Have Happened- Chapter Thirteen

Chapter 13: The Battle at Byers

Characters: Y/N Winchester, Nancy, Jonathan, Steve, Sam, Dean

Warnings: angst, language

Word count: 1.9k

Series description: Hawkins, Indiana, November 1983. The Winchesters got out of hunting and decided to settle down in a small town. The youngest of the three, Y/N, just wants to get on with her somewhat normal life and go to a good college. But that’s a little tricky when disappearances start occurring, including her friend Barbara Holland, and there’s reports of a mysterious new girl in town. Can she balance boyfriends, teen drama and monster hunting?

A/N: Hello again! This series has been picking up a lot and its been lovely watching people go through chapter by chapter in my notes (thanks for all the reblogs) I’ve nearly finished writing this and that actually makes me a little sad. I’ve loved coming up with this series and tying Supernatural and Stranger Things together in this way. And my brain may or may not have been prodding me with ideas for a sequel. I don’t know if I can commit to starting it until things are a bit more organised around here. Anyways enjoy xx Series Masterlist  Masterlist

Story:

“It's here, it's coming.”

“Where is it?”

“Wait, what's here?! What's here- whoa easy with that!” Jonathan and Nancy rotate themselves back to back around the room while Steve panics over the lights, the gun, the bat full of nails- he's just in full panic mode over everything going on right now. Nancy has the gun close to her chest while Jonathan has his homemade bat thing up like he's prepared to hit a home run. Steve finches away when he swings it around and rightly so; that thing looks lethal! Man, I want one. 

“I don't see it!” Nancy frets, still spinning in their little formation. Meanwhile, I'm just stood next to Steve trying to listen out for the damn thing which is a little tricky with all of this noise.

“Where is what?! Hello? Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going-” a huge smash from the ceiling cuts Steve off. Plaster and wood fall to the floor as an enormous slimy creature falls through the roof. It stands tall, much taller than any of our squad, opening its mouth hole/ face (if you can call it that) and screams at us at a shrill volume. Nancy fires 3 shots at it that barely do anything. I just stand on the spot staring at the thing in half horror, trying to remember all of my lore to work out what the hell it could be. I have nothing.

“Go, go! Run, go!” Jonathan turns around to myself and Steve, ushering us in the direction of safety, “Get out of here! Jump!” He warns us just in time to vault the fucking bear trap he has nailed to the floor. What the hell Jonathan?!

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god!” Steve panics aloud, looking at all of us with eyes the size of golf balls, “Jesus Jesus, what the hell was that?!”

“Shut up!” Both Nancy and Jonathan shout in unison. I agree; he was getting really annoying. I had enough of worriers back in the hunting days. With all of the screaming done with, we listen out for the creature outside the door making it's strange, alien, purr-like sound. There's a yellow yo-yo with a happy smile on it strung over the back of a chair by the door, presumably linked up to some Scooby Doo style trap- the bear trap! My respect for these guys just went up by a lot. 

“What's it doing?” Nancy asks, keeping her eyes and gun on the door.

“I don't know.” Jonathan glances to all of us. The lights stop flickering, going back to normal and the strange noise coming from outside stops. It can't be gone, surely? For a creature that came through the ceiling like it was made of Lego, it gave up very quickly on killing us.

“Do you hear anything?”

“No…”

Taking tentative steps, Nancy and Jonathan lead the pack into the living room again. Steve brings up the rear, muttering incoherently like a crazy person.

“This is crazy. This is crazy.” He runs his hands through his signature big hair, trembling as he spirals out of control, “This is crazy. This is crazy! This is CRAZY!” He grabs the phone from the wall and jabs 9-1-1 into the keypad. Nancy snatches it away from him and ends the call before anyone picks up. “What are you do- what are you doing? Are you insane?!” 

“It's going to come back.” Nancy growls, “So you need to leave. Right. Now.”

“Do you two want to explain to me what the hell is going on?” I put on my best mom voice when the door slams behind Steve as he flees the house, “You left me at school to babysit because what? You two know what you're doing?”

“I'm sorry Y/N/N, but this is something I have to do. For Barb.” 

“And I don't want to do that? Nancy, I know it wasn't long but she was my friend too! Out of everyone here in this town, I am the only person who knows about this stuff. I hunt monsters, that's what I do. It's what I'm good at.”

“I know that. But just because you've done before, doesn't mean you have to now.”

“Yes it does! If something happened to any of you guys and I did nothing… I would not be able to live with myself.” I realize, as I speak, that I sound so much like Dean when we were deciding whether or not to really leave everything behind. He went on and on about the job and our duty and how, by quitting, every death caused by the supernatural would be on us for not stepping in. It all came from Dad really; he always instilled in us that hunting was in our blood. It was our destiny, almost. 

“Barb is not on you Y/N. None of this is on you.” Nancy hugs me tightly nearly sending me into tears. But when the lights begin to flicker once again, we quickly spring apart. Shit shit shit shit SHIT!

Cocking my gun, I opt not to join the others spinning around the room and instead train my gaze on the ceiling where the bear dropped from before.

“Where is it?”

“Come on! Come on you son of a bitch!” Jonathan riles himself up- subtlety is not his strong suit I see.

“You see it?” 

“No, you?” I answer Nancy, glancing briefly at the flashing fairy lights to see them turn off completely. We're plunged into almost complete darkness. I blink. The creature from earlier rises up behind Nancy and Jonathan making it's weird sound again, unbeknownst to them. “Guys…”

“Wha-” they barely get the chance to speak before the thing attacks Jonathan and pins him to the ground. Watching him get covered in goo from the creature is oddly reminiscent of Cujo. But now is not the time.

“Jonathan!” Nancy shouts, not phasing the Demogorgon at all, “Jonathan! Jona-”

“Don't just stand there, shoot it!” I cock my gun and fire the first shot, not really aiming for any part in particular since I know nothing about the damn thing. I fire twice more with no effect while Nancy fires five times. After the fifth bullet is fired, the Demogorgon turns and screams in our direction.

“Go to hell you son of a bitch!” Nancy fires again and again until she pulls on the trigger and all the gun does is click- she's out of bullets. They don't seem to be working anyway so things could be worse. Well, they are worse. The Demogorgon comes towards us, angered by our efforts to harm it. I take a step back and find my footing unsteady, falling quickly to the floor and hitting my head on something solid. 

“Ah fuck!” I wince, a sharp pain so spreading through my skull and dancing behind my closed eyes. That's going to leave one hell of a bruise. 

“Y/N/N, you okay?!” Nancy helps pull me back up.

“I will be… what about…” the ringing in my ears subsides and I can hear what sounds like Steve screaming. It is Steve screaming. He has the bat full of nails and is in the middle of an assault on the monster, pushing it towards the bear trap. It snaps around it's ankle causing a shrill scream to come from the weird hole in it's face.

“He's in the trap! He's stuck!” Steve declares.

“Jonathan, now!” Nancy urges. Jonathan flicks the lighter on and chucks it onto the trail of gasoline. It ignites and travels swiftly to the trap, sending the creature up into flames. The inferno continues to grow to an unsafe size for which Jonathan luckily has a fire extinguisher at hand. Plumes of smoke fill the house, clouding my vision and entering my lungs making breathing rather difficult. Combine with my head injury, I really don't feel good right now.

“Where did it go?” Nancy sputters, staring down at the bubbling goop left behind on the trap. 

“No, it has to be dead… it has to be.”

“Umm… hate to be the one to break it to you Jonathan but we don't know for sure. Bullets weren't working, who's to say fire does?”

“If you are saying you think it could survive that, you're crazy.” Steve buts in (I was forgetting he doesn't know everything). 

“That's exactly what I'm saying. Other creatures have done it.”

“You mean like roaches?”

“I mean like shapeshifters and skinwalkers.”

“Skin what? What are you talking-”

“Hey look!”

We all look up to what Nancy is pointing at. One of the string lights is lit up. And then another one. And then two more. We follow them along the corridor to the front door, mesmerised by the colourful little bulbs as random ones come to life to form a trail. 

“Mom…” Jonathan focuses on them, whispering under his breath so quietly I barely hear him. “Mom, is that you?” He receives no reply. Whatever is causing the light display continues to travel, taking us outside to the front porch. In the near distance, the street lamp light flickers gently. It's the last sign of something in the alternate dimension before the track goes cold.

“Where's it going?” Nancy asks, watching down the dark road as though he'll see something any second now.

“I don't think that's the monster…” Jonathan says rather ominously.

“Yeah, it probably would have come back already.” My comment gets the stink eye from all three of them, “What? It's true.”

“Is anyone going to explain to me what the hell is going on?” Ah yes, Steve. Prepare for a shitstorm of a story my friend.

I repeat a shortened version of the tale I told everyone back before we went to the school and I also fill him in on the whole situation with Will. Nancy and Jonathan but in with extra details where needed, making it very clear to Steve that nothing was going on between them. Smooth guys. 

“So… you did this for a living?” 

“Not exactly- we didn't get paid. There was a lot of credit card fraud.” 

“Cool.” Steve remarks, his face changing to a frown when he catches Nancy's glare. 

“It was only small amounts, we never took more than we needed. And it was always with the shady banks.” I clarify. 

“This is insane! You guys could have told me, I could've helped you Nancy.” 

“We didn't want to just go telling everyone. And… I didn't want you to get hurt.” Nancy takes Steve's hands as reassurance. Jonathan swallows hard and tries to look away, fiddling with the cuff of his jacket. Methinks there are some feelings there. And unfortunately they are one sided.

“Right, well we should probably get back to the-” BANG! The front door flies open startling us all. Steve grabs his bat while Nancy and myself grab our guns leaning Jonathan to take a lamp as a weapon. I relax when the two blundering giants come in with their guns raised.

“Guys, it's okay. It's just my brothers.” I gesture for everyone to put their weapons down. Dean flares his nostrils, glaring at me- here we go!

“You have got a lot of explaining to do Y/N.”

STHH Tags

@marslovesme @bluedefundead  @elenavaldez09@mysanityisgone27 @adridedong @princess-of-erebor1992 @coffeeandwinchesters

[pocket-infinity]

Here we go again...

Pardon me what whilst I indulge my complete fanaticism for a minute and make a bulleted list about why I’m entirely addicted to reading through this every other second.

Mandatory link (go read it). Mandatory @corruptapostasy.

Chapter 1 •Establishes a status quo in 2 seconds flat •Quickly and efficiently introduces the conflict (even though we all already know who it’s gonna be) •Lurien and Monomon banter (it’s a blessing, trust me), which efficiently lays down a groundwork of character for each without muddling either

Chapter 2 •Radiance time baby!!! seriously though she’s introduced well and I love the gravity she has the moment she appears •PK is, like, strong as all hell, but it’s left unknown exactly how strong he is •The White Lady, my girl, the best tree wife! I’m. She’s so good I can’t even. She’s… so amazing I love her. •Holy shit, Grimm too, oh my god Grimm, Mr. I-know-way-too-much-about-void. Love him and his demeanor and he’s just SO damn GOOD. •PK glowey boi (but really tho he GLOWS) •Looking back this is like Gods: The Chapter and I love it

Chapter 3 •Okay PK and Grimm working together just makes me so happy, alright? •PK just casually tossing corpses out of windows, that’s just… comedic to me, somehow. •Bat Grimm asks to hide in PK’s robes and that’s a little too funny to me •Soul -Soother- -Master- Bastard has an amazing introduction to establish the kind of person he is •But really Soul Bastard what the fuck •Brumm my guy (specifically when he calls Divine a miserable cretin) •The Grimmchild! Adorable baby (and of course Grimm is an amazing dad).

Chapter 4 •Ogrim is such a goof •Hegemol actually has good jokes (really, though, the comedy, when it’s gone for, is very well done). •Dryya cannot take a joke and is 100% serious all the time, and any/everyone mocking her for it is amazing, especially for her fear of ghosts. •Isma is high key what’s holding them all together •Ze’mer is just calm and composed the whole time and I just really like that. •More White Lady more White Lady more White Lady (can you tell I like her yet?) •Pale King mourning his citizens is written really well, specifically the part where he ruins one of the Delicate Flowers (don’t we all know that pain, buddy) •But really, though, you can feel how much PK cares about all these people. There was a sense of distance before, but this part just makes it all feel so much more real. •Let’s turn it all around with the SEER OH MY GOD she’s amazing •The White Lady picking PK up is just the most adorable and amazing thing. It deserves like 3 bullet points of importance just because I love it so much; oh my god the two of them are adorable. •Oop there’s some Grimm/Nightmare King foreshadowing here •Again, the entirety of the city grounds everything in reality. •Not to mention when literally one infected tries to snap at the Pale King, it becomes abundantly clear how poorly the guards are handling the situation •The White Lady just knows how to handle shit? Like so well? Oh my god she’s so amazing I just really love the tree lady y’all •But really, though, this would be worth reading even if the White Lady was the only good, well-written character, which she is definitively NOT. •She’s such a good person, and oh my god every time she interacts with PK is just. Adorable 101: an introduction to a loving relationship. •Xero time baby! Holy shit the whole fight is an amazing, well choreographed, well written scene. *Chef’s kiss* Magnificent! •Soul Bastard is really a bastard •Xero’s last thoughts before the infection gets him are just so good. For the short amount of time he’s in the story, he feels like he has a character; that is to say, he’s not just scooby doo villain man

Chapter 5 •Oh boy oh boy this one’s a wild ride •Void Grimmchild oh god oh fuck jesus christ what the hell •Grimm has never been angry before and it’s positively terrifying! •E N K A Y •But really though I just… love Enkay here. The entire scene is so soft and good, and even though we don’t get a particular amount of concrete events that happened between PK and Enkay, there’s just such obvious chemistry between the two. They’re just really adorable and I like seeing adorable things, so just let me have this, alright? •The Archives are now a hospital and dear god is it sad •Honestly a lot of this is sad but it’s really well written so you’ve gotta love it •Lurien calls out the fact that it’s Radi and oh dear gods it hurts to watch the trauma give him a personalized hell experience •Aaaaand he also sees the Troupe. •Lurien and Monomon talking about The Pale King is just so good •Honestly every time Lurien is sad I’m sad- •Oh god an earthquake and everything has gone horribly wrong •Watching The Pale King jump between incredibly pissed and just crying on the floor because of how much stress he’s under just hurts like hell. •Honestly any time Grimm and PK fight just hurts me because I love them both so much •Grimm yoinks some Enkay memories and the fact that PK likes brewing tea is,,, adorable •Pale King is too curious for his own good like 200% of the time •Quirrel!!! He’s so good why does everything try to kill him •Herrah oh my god she’s amazing •Jesus there are so many things I love about Herrah, mostly her casually insulting everyone else and not being able to walk down stairs but just… ughhh she’s so good and also helps Quirrel so that’s, like, an instant +10 points •Quirrel wears a bandana!! adorable •Lurien’s constitution is a -12 •Uh-fucking-oh the Shade Lord’s here

Chapter 6 •More Quirrel more Herrah! •Literally everyone has to tell Herrah to stop cursing around Quirrel •I’d like to correct myself: Lurien’s constitution is -15 or more •Monomon being a mom is just :) •Oh dear god The Shade Lord has the complete eldritch god vibe •Pale King is completely and utterly helpless! Fun times for everyone! •Really though the Shade Lord is terrifying the entire time oh my gods •To be specific, the way the Shade Lord communicates is just… so different, and it only serves to strengthen the unknowable eldritch monster vibe •Pale King can’t keep his legs on the ground •Hell even Grimm’s afraid of the Shade Lord •Making contracts bound in blood with an eldritch god? Lovely, what could be a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon •Pale King and Grimm just, like, cannot get along on the smaller level and it’s amazing •M O R E White Lady. Tree goddess being happy for even a moment is amazing and oh my god she’s just- so good. •And Herrah’s here now too! Dear god I love the way she interacts with everybody •Quirrel just cannot stop being adorable. He’s too good for this world •He’s so excited to see the King do stuff I love him oh my goooooood •Quirrel almost got adopted by the Pale King? And the White Lady? Love it. Also Quirrel is a child and he’s adorable •I’ll never not call Quirrel adorable •Pale King feeling the pressure and fear to hurry up with the cure •Ogrim and Hegemol with Quirrel, even for the 2 seconds we see it, is amazing •L O R E •So much LORE I love it •Gods splitting (“Split Theory”?) is really creative and I love it •Literally none of them thought of replacing the nightmares with dreams… Pale King you’re smart as all hell but also a complete idiot •The White Lady picking the Pale King up by his crown is so fucking amazing oh my god •Oh boy another ancient god! Nightmare King! Yaaaaaaaay! •Pale King’s crown as toothpicks I’m just- •Gods: The Chapter Volume 2: electric boogaloo

Chapter 7 •The White Lady is so good and amazing she’s just aaaaaaaa- •She makes… a specific variety of implication and it had me cackling •Quirrel is too curious and 2fast4you •Quirrel hugging the Pale King!!! I love him •The Pale King cares about Grimm. Cute. •Drinking game: Take a shot every time the Pale King blushes; you’ll have alcohol poisoning before you know it! •Void is a mix of jello and play-doh •Oh, great, Soul Bastard is back! •Rain would rather die than get near Grimm •Dryya is scared of ghosts and everyone mocks her for it; it’s hilarious •Grimm asks if they’ve met a ghost and Dryya nearly has a heart attack •Pale King healing his people is just :) •Honestly every time the Pale King interacts with his people is great because it establishes the stakes more, but, then again, we already know how the story ends, so it’s just a bump up in the sad factor •All the worldbuilding and lore (Grimm healing [or at least helping] people via fire, nobody being able to look at the Pale King without a mask, etc). All of it is so good •Quirrel and Grimm! A winning combination •Podzol. Love Podzol. He good. •But really, though, it’s interesting to have a character (a mortal character) who is skeptical and questioning of gods, and he’s consistent and well-written (as usual for this fic). •One of Monomon’s scholars freaks out when he sees Grimm, which makes total sense and fleshes out the world a bit more. •Honestly it’s really nice that there are stakes existing “hey you know these characters and like them” •Also more worldbuilding is always amazing •Also Podzol just figures out that it’s another god on his own with literally no knowledge given to him, so well done my guy. Smart boi. (This may be my bias towards people solving mysteries on their own but shhhhhhhhh) •Okay I’m gonna cut it here at every scene with Podzol? He’s so good •Grimm and Monomon making puns at each other •The reason for Lurien’s magic sight (did not expect his face to be scarred to high hell but I love it) •Enkay trying to bench press a bookshelf oh my god he’s such an absolute fool I love him •”I read you like an open book!” “Yeah! A blank one!” I’m fucking wheezing out here •”Ms. My-Entire-Fucking-House-Is-Made-With-Acid-Pipes!” This is her new canon name •I think Dryya just really wants to duel Grimm (I’d watch that tbh) •The troupe!! Oh my gods, the troupe! •Divine and Brumm and some ghosts know people!! •Monomon just chomps a jellyfish •The White Lady holding the Pale King! I’ll never not smile at those two being adorable together •Talia the Flame Demon! Ms. I-Ate-A-Magic-Fire-For-Fun. Wh- How the hell?? •Grimmchild is so hyper I love them •Grimmchild is an adorable little baby!! The Pale King holding them is just aaaaaaaaaaa it’s so cute I’m gonna die •The Grimmchild just hopping into the Pale King’s crown. Adorable. •PK’s reaction to having something in his crown. Hilarious. •Ooh more Podzol debating against gods •Monomon making a specific type of implication about the Pale King and Enkay (best gay bat bf) •Oh god oh fuck wait holy shit what the fuck ghost Enkay oh god no that’s terrifying •Grimm is a mass murderer! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (oh god what the fuck) •The Fundament? The Void Heart? Can’t wait to learn more! •Grimm getting possessed and just the Nightmare King generally •Soul Bastard how DARE you hurt Wol you little fucker

Chapter 8 •Hi welcome to the all-good-things-get-slapped-in-the-face chapter •Except the Pale King and the White Lady’s relationship. That’s still amazing and good and nice and I swear if that ends rough I will cry •Monomon and Podzol have many questions •The White Lady shakes the ground by jumping down a 5 foot hole •OOPS THE TROUPE IS A DEATH CULT OKAY THEN I GUESS! THIS IS FINE I’M FINE EVERYTHING’S FINE! •Quirrel being adorable is so nice to see- oh wait the Soul Bastard’s here •OF FUCKING COURSE THE SOUL BASTARD IS HERE! He just had to go and traumatize little baby Quirrel huh? Had to do that? God damn it Quirrel is too good for this world •Oh and the Fundament hates Talia wonderful just wonderful this is such a lovely and positive chapter •Oh great now the Radiance is here to mock Lurien •She’s got gravitas but she fucking DARES TO HURT MY BOI •I will end her. I will stab her, don’t think I won’t, how DARE she bring up his scars •Lurien’s got magic, though, so that’s fun and nice •If the Radiance could stop talking and specifically not say that Lurien will always be a slave I’d appreciate that kthanksbye •My lovesick little fireflyyyyyyy I love him •Quirrel is damn good at improvising! Such a good kid •Lurien coming in and vibe checking the Soul Bastard with a one-liner in tow is the greatest experience of my life •Lurien is such a good person why do I have to know how this all ends damn it  :( •Grimm and Brumm don’t know how to react to the tram aww that’s adorable •Monomom and Quirrel reunion oh my gooooooood it’s so adorable I’m dying •The Seer is a blessing upon all of us •Oh great Grimm has a panic attack because of memories! What a fun time! •Oh and of course the Fundament is bullying Grimm. Hey sir could you kindly back the fuck off? •The Seer making jokes about the Pale King’s height I’m-pfffff I’m dying •The Pale King should 100% paint his nails •Oops the Pale King might have done some immoral stuff in the name of knowledge- •Okay now this is normally the part where I’d start going thing-by-thing with what I like about the conversation between the Pale King and the Fundament but uh… I tried that and I found myself just rewriting the whole scene so we’re REALLY chopping it down •But, seriously, read the scene slowly and thoroughly because it’s amazing •Oh great Grimm’s dying because he’s not accepting memories! Hurray! This is so fun can’t you tell that’s I’m having such a fun time •Ooh yay more lore on so many things. There are too many topics so I just don’t have time •Oh hey the Radiance used to be kinda nice and now she’s a psychopath. Lovely •”You didn’t have to let your children die” oh boy Pale King wait until you see what’s coming… •Wonderful! An argument! This is such a good vibe and I’m having the time of my life •Radiance, if you could just kindly fuck off and get out of the entire area of the Pale King’s head (and everyone else’s while you’re at it) that would be nice •Ah great good to know that Enkay made the Wyrm change into the Pale King as a way of trying to escape the Radiance this is lovely, please continue killing all the saints •Thank you Fundament for shoving her the hell out •Aww and the reconciliation (really tossing my heart around here, huh?) •Sleepy Grimm is adorable •The White Lady and the Pale King being a couple is so damn cute I love them •The White Lady is clearly the superior gardener •Fantastic now she’s crying why have you done this to meeeeeee •Oh not to mention that they have to sacrifice their kids to the void fantastic • :( •”fits” (you’ll know it when you get there) PFFFFFFT OH MY GOD I’M DYING •Oh so the Fundament knew the Wyrm? Well shit now I’m damn intruiged… •All of the incarnations feel like a ton of roommates and it’s a Good Vibe •Ah great now the Radiance is here again, just being a complete psycho towards Grimm this time! •Thank god for the Fundament coming in to vibe check the Radiance not once but twice •Also aww the Fundament cares about Grimm

Well, that covers about… half of it? A third? Somewhere around there, but I think I’d be here for a month trying to get all of it. So, yeah, I hope you all enjoyed my obsessed ranting again, and that’ll be it for this one.

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.10: “Nihilism”

THEN: Michael. Gadreel! Poughkeepsie! Jack dying. Jack’s soul. You didn’t think to question? Snap!

NOW: We open on a bar scene, complete with a passed-out drunk in a hoodie. I notice the moose head immediately, but The Husband is the one who pointed out to me that there was also a taxidermied squirrel holding a beer. This is Rocky’s Bar, guys! As in Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

Hey, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

The door opens and it takes me a minute to recognize the woman who enters as Pamela Barnes, neither blind nor dead (and also not having aged at all in ten years, damn her), wearing a shirt that says to hell and back. It’s raining, and she complains that people are shopping like it’s the end times. I feel you, Pamela. I hate it when we get a snow prediction and everyone has to go make the run on bread and milk. She produces a bag of limes and we see it’s Dean behind the bar. Ah, so this is where the mystery bar flashback in 14.09 came from! He needs the limes for his house special, a shot of tequila and a beer.

(Sidebar: A tequila drinker, I’m not. I could go for a whiskey, which is normally Dean’s drink of choice. You know when we last saw him drink tequila? I haven’t noticed it since he was a demon, threatening to rip Sam’s throat out. With his teeth.)

Pamela asks about Sam, and Dean tells her he’s still on a ghoul hunt with Cas, but should be home tonight. A woman in a suit comes in, continuing a conversation in which she attempts to buy Dean’s bar. I wonder if she’s a Scooby Doo shady real estate type? He assures her it’s still not for sale. “This bar? I’ve never had anything this nice,” he says. {sob!}

There’s a lot of interesting Easter eggs in this bar beyond the moose and squirrel. The Impala’s original Kansas tag. “Daphne loves Fred” carved into the bar. (Even in the bar of his dreams, Dean can’t hook up with Daphne.) A neon “Texas Star” sign. An anime calendar in the office. Probably more things that I haven’t caught.

Later, Dean’s at a desk going over paperwork. Pamela comes in with a couple of shotglasses. They banter and drink and they’re adorable, and then she brings up selling the bar and he says “Sell this bar? This is my dream.” (duh duh duuuuuhhh!) Then we see him in the walk-in refrigerator. Pamela calls him out because they’ve trouble - it’s a werewolf, or one of Michael’s werepire hybrids, coming to settle a score because the Winchesters killed his entire nest. Turns out Unconscious Hoodie Guy (who I halfway expected to be Sam) is his buddy. They attack, but Dean wins easily. As Pamela wipes the blood off his pretty pretty face, she comments on the monsters who keep coming in to kill him. “What can I say?” he grins. “I’m famous.”

Title card!

Hitomi Plaza. “Now, this just feels right,” Michael!Dean says. He’s inexplicably wearing a suit now. Did Dean’s clothes change into a suit when Michael snapped his fingers? He does something painful to TFW and gives a monologue about hope, explaining that he saw every single thing they did (through Dean’s eyes, thanks to his “open door”). While he talks, Sam is getting something out of his pocket. Cas lunges at Michael, apparently to provide a distraction while Sam makes a little molotov cocktail of holy oil and tosses it at Michael. While the archangel is preoccupied, Cas snaps the magic handcuffs on him. I guess whatever Bobby did to juice them up actually worked.

(Sidebar: I covered the names of the guest stars on first watch, as you do, but now I see the name Thunderbird Dinwiddie? Originally Pamela’s actress went by Traci. Did she change her name after that, or has she always been named Thunderbird and Traci was her nickname?)

Sam pleads with Dean to come out and take over, but it doesn’t work. And suddenly we hear a lot of sirens outside. Oh yeah, Michael’s monster army. Sam’s phone rings - it’s Maggie. She rounded up every hunter she could find and they’re getting reports of monsters attacking, but to infect, not to kill. So, Maggie’s in charge. Huh. Okay. I mean, not the choice I would have made, but. Okay.

Sam’s plan is to take Michael downstairs and put him in the trunk of the Impala. “But Garth is in the trunk,” Jack points out. “It’s a big trunk,” Sam says. Oh, god. I laughed at that. I’m not proud.

Suddenly we hear monsters slavering at the door. Jack jams it shut with the broken Testicle Spear, and Cas holds it with angelic powers, but they don’t have any other way out of the penthouse. “It’s not like any of us can fly,” Jack says. “Well, one of us can,” says Michael. “Shut up,” Sam snaps. Oh god. I laughed again.

Jack asks Sam “are we going to die here?” and poor Sam looks so distressed and Michael just smirks but then Sam gets an idea and yells for Jessica. You know, his own personal reaper. He knows she’s watching. The reaper who shows up is an unfamiliar one named Violet. “It’s my shift. We have shifts now because you mess up so, so many things.” Bless you, Violet. Sam asks her for help, and she is just full of emotional support but not much else. Jack and Cas are confused, because they can’t see her. But Michael can. He tells her that in his world, they locked Death away and enslaved the reapers, and she’s all, aren’t you a creepy one. At first she says she wouldn’t help them even if she could, but then she seems to get a message from elsewhere, and them boom, they’re in the bunker.

I would have broken all the rules to rescue this poor distressed cinnamon roll. ALL THE RULES.

Sam asks how she did that, and she says “I didn’t. Have fun.” And she’s gone. And I’m thinking wait, the Impala is still in Kansas City, and Garth is still in the trunk. This is not good.

Later. Jack asks if Michael should be in the dungeon, and Sam says that if the cuffs won’t hold him, the dungeon won’t either. “I can hear you,” Michael points out. They move six feet away. “Really?” Yeah, I’m enjoying Jensen as Michael, finally.

Sam explains to Jack and Cas that when he was possessed by Gadreel, the angel created a dream world inside his head. (Apparently someone told Jack the story of Gadreel, because he’s following right along.) And Crowley was able to come in and tell him how to kick Gadreel out. But Crowley’s dead. Oooooh, is De Facto King of Hell Sam going to call up a minion and have them break into Dean’s head? (And why does Sam suspect Dean is in a dream world in the first place, since 1. Michael didn’t do that the first time he possessed him, and b. Michael wants Dean to see his world destroyed, in order to crush him. Discuss.)

Maggie calls again and says they’re almost at Hitomi Plaza, even though Sam specifically told her not to go there. He asks her to get Garth out of the trunk (oh, good, but please warn her that he’s been Michaelized and he’s going to attack them, and also, have someone drive the car back to the bunker!) and she tells him the monsters have stopped attacking and are all heading west.

“Remind me, Castiel,” Michael says, all smooth and evil. “We’re west of Kansas City now?” Why, yes, they are. A 4 hour 22 minute drive. Cas is, oddly enough, surprised that Michael is bringing his monster crew to the bunker, and gathers Jack to “lock it down.”

(Sidebar: Remember when we first found out about the bunker, and it was supposed to be completely impenetrable? Ha ha ha.)

“Yes, put a chair against the door, that’ll help” says Michael. Dang, I really like this snide little bastard. He tells Sam that nothing has changed. “Tonight, everybody dies. And Sam, the last thing you’ll see, is this pretty smile, as I rip you apart.”

(WITH MY TEETH?)

Next we see Sam rolling out a bit of equipemnt. “It’s the messed-up British Men of Letters thing they use to get inside people’s heads,” he tells Cas. Oh Sam, throwing your technical jargon around. But I do feel compelled to point out that this wasn’t a BMoL thing. Toni found it in the bunker. Americans are messed up too, Sammy. Sam thinks if he can get into Dean’s head, like Crowley did, he might be able to get him to expell Michael.

Back at Rocky’s Bar, Pamela asks, again, if Dean has heard from Sam. And Dean replies, again, that he’s “working that ghoul thing in Wichita with Cas,” but they should be home tonight. They drink again, the wannabe bar buyer comes in again, they fight the monsters again, later, rinse, repeat. After a few rounds of this, Dean says he’s having “some serious deja vu.” I bet you are, sweetie.

Back at the bunker, Jack is alone with Michael. Michael says he’s insulted that a nothing like Jack has been left to guard him, and I honestly don’t think it was such a good idea either. He starts playing mind games with Jack, telling him that Dean didn’t care when he died, “because you’re not Sam.” And yes, he could have stopped right there and I would have been happy, but he continues. “You’re not Cas. You’re a new burden that he was handed. You’re a weak, helpless thing.” Boy, I hope none of that influences Jack later!

Cas calls him away and tells him not to believe anything Michael says, because he’s lying. “No I’m not, and I can still hear you,” Michael says, to my delight. Jack is clearly affected by the conversation and stomps off.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Lebanon, Maggie and her crew (Maggie’s crew, for fuck’s sake; there really isn’t anyone better to lead this group?) get a call saying some monsters have broken through and are on their way. Her inspirational speech is “Sam needs our help,” and okay, maybe she’s got this under control after all, because that’s enough for me. A van pulls up and Team Maggie points their guns at it.

Bunker. Michael is working on Cas now, telling him that his own version of Castiel wouldn’t have been so “anemic.” Yeah, well, I killed your Castiel, he says. No, he doesn’t, but he should. Instead, he brings up loyalty and compassion, which is basically saying here, Michael, here is what’s important to me, use it against me. He tells Cas he wants to destroy their world “because I can,” and then reveals that he and Lucifer thought God would come back to them when they fought, but nothing happened. And now, with Dean’s memories, he knows why.

God, Chuck, is a writer. And like all writers, he churns out draft after draft. My world, this world, nothing but failed drafts. And when he realizes that they’re flawed, he moves on and tries again.

No, that’s not… why would he do that?

Because he doesn’t care! About you, me, anything. Now, at first I thought I’d do it better. Show him. Be more god than God. But now? I just want to burn everyone of his little worlds until I catch up to the old man.

And then what?

Even God can die.

I’ve got to confess, I like this. We’ve never had any motivation for Michael’s destructiveness, but this? Destroying his father’s works because he’s angry over being abandoned? This actually works pretty well for me. It’s not new (it was Lucifer’s M.O. too, wasn’t it?) and it doesn’t really explain why Michael set out to destroy this world before he accessed Dean’s memories, but I like it.

(Sidebar: I’m also horrified, because does that mean the characters in my unfinished fics feel the same way? Because there are so many of them. Are they wandering around, lost and sad, saying Someday the Goddess will return and tell us whether we were supposed to burn this monster’s carcass at night or during the day, and someday Sam will actually leave the ER bay and get his MRI, and all questions will be answered, and until then we wait and pray? And are they eventually going to get angry enough to rise up against me and destroy all my other unfinished fics? And then me?)

Yep. This is how you die.

Outskirts. Team Maggie approaches the van and finds it empty. Because everybody got out while all of Team Maggie was watching them? Someone named Tiger runs into the woods following some tracks, ignoring Maggie’s feeble instructions not to go into the woods CHASING MONSTERS WHO WILL TURN YOU INTO A MONSTER alone. This won’t end well. Tiger returns and says the monsters are now on foot and no one says “cool, Tiger, but I think we’re gonna test you with silver just to be sure, ‘kay?”

(Sidebar: Would Sam or Dean have thought to test Tiger? Discuss. Personally, I think they would have, unless the plot required that they didn’t.)

Bunker. Sam’s fiddling with the Messed-Up BMoL AMoL Thing (oh, he’s soldering, and why is that sexy?)

It’s because Sam’s doing it, and he’s using his big Sam hands.

Jack asks if it will work, and Sam is honest and says he doesn’t know. Jack suggests that he might be able to do something using the magic that keeps him alive.

Burn off your soul?

Not all of it.

Jack. Dean wouldn’t want to be saved. Not that way.

You don’t know what you’re walking into.

Last time he was possessed, he said it felt like he was drowning. This time…

What?

Probably be worse.

Yes, it should be worse. Whatever Michael is doing to Dean right now should be SO MUCH WORSE than feeling like he was drowning. Or, it should be just letting him watch through Michael’s eyes. Either of those would make a lot of sense.

You know what else would make sense? Sam saying “I’ve been without a soul, and this is what it’s like, and I don’t want you to risk it.” But okay.

Michael sits quietly as Cas applies the apparatus to his head, so I guess he’s not only angel-powerless, but human-powerless as well. Or he’s just enjoying the science project, which he gives “a solid B minus.” Oh, poor Sam. I’m sure it would be an A if he graded on a curve. Sam’s wired up as well, and Cas clutches him to “hitch a ride.”

Jack asks what he should do, and Cas tells him to pray. Which I guess is something an angel would say, but come on, Cas. You know what to expect from that. Sam adds that he should make sure no one kills them. So, you know, no pressure. Michael points out that he’s not chained up inside Dean’s head, and Sam’s adorably concerned. And off they go.

The inside of Dean’s mind actually looks a lot like The Empty. Cas does a glowy thing with his hand and looks for him, and while he can’t see anything, he can hear all of Dean’s bad memories. And there are a lot of them. “So much trauma in Dean’s mind,” Cas says. “So many scars.” He says if he knew what he was looking for, he could go to it, but since he doesn’t know, he has to wade through all of Dean’s bad memories.

Well, we’ve already got this set, so…

Wait, says Sam. Would Michael bury Dean in trauma? Because Dean thrives on trauma. He suggests that if Michael wanted to distract him, he’d give him something he’s never had before - contentment. So Cas starts scanning Dean’s good memories, and Sam hears one he doesn’t recognize. “This bar? I’ve never had anything this nice.” That’s got to be it; the one that never happened. Yay Sam! Cas does the glowy eyes and boom, they’re in Rocky’s Bar.

“Hey, there they are,” Dean says cheerfully. “Kill a ghoul, get a beer.” The beer tap proudly advertises FB Beer Company (as in Family Business, Jensen’s brewery) and the names of the beers (Cosmic Cowboy and Fox Rye) are so prominent that I suspect they are actually Family Business Beers.

“I’ve got this great IPA from Austin,” Dean says, and okay, we’ve gone past the clever nod and wink and are in a full-blown advertisement, I think. Then the angel Anael/Sister Jo walks in and says “Oh, that’s a great brewery, and they have tours and a playground for the kids.” (NO, NOT REALLY.)

Sam and Cas are both stunned when Pamela walks in, neither blind nor dead, and Sam tells Dean that none of this is real. When he mentions Michael, Dean and Pamela disappear, because it’s time for the drinking-in-the-office portion of this recurring dream. They watch Dean go through the drinking and the walk-in and the monster-killing, with Dean and Pamela not remembering any of it. Sam reminds him that Pamela was blinded, and Dean gets a flashback of that event. When it ends, Dream!Pamela is blind, complete with her freaky white contacts. “You can thank Feathers here for that one,” she says, although it was actually completely her fault. He told her not to look. The music goes all slow and distorted and Sam says Pamela’s not just blind, she’s dead, and Dean flashes back to that too.

Dean fights it, but then Sam says Poughkeepsie and it all comes back. “I remember,” Dean says. “I remember everything.”

And you know I love Sam being the one to get through to him, but it’s not like Poughkeepsie is some magic spell. It’s just a code word for “drop everything and run,” and it only worked with Gadreel because it was coming from someone other than Dean. If Dean had doubted this was actually Sam, it probably would have been effective. But it wouldn’t have triggered Dean’s memories like that in this situation. I appreciate that they took the time to remind us that you can be oblivious in your own mind, inside a dream world, but that’s not what’s happening here. Gadreel created the dream world for Sam. Dean created this one on his own. And what does that say about Michael’s plan to crush Dean by forcing him to witness the horror Michael was wreaking on his world? I think it says we decided to back off from that. Because if Michael wanted Dean to witness what happened when he snapped his fingers, why would he allow him to hide in his dream bar?

Whatever. (handwave!)

So much pretty in this scene, especially Sam’s blood-splattered throat {blows a kiss to director Amanda Tapping} and Dean doing that THING with his TONGUE behind his TEETH, mmmm, yes.

Pamela disappears, and there’s a slow clap from the other side of the bar. Uh oh. Michael’s here! Dean orders him out, but Michael says he doesn’t really mean that. He says Dean only feels responsibility toward Cas because “he’s the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition, or whatever,” and he does that in a robotic Castiel imitation AND I LOVE IT. He also claims Dean was happiest when Sam left for Stanford. “You don’t even like them,” he says. “They’re not your family, they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck.” Well, that would have been more effective if you hadn’t told us in the previous episode that Dean was too squirmy because he loves Sam (and Cas and Jack and whatever but Sam).

However, Cas suddenly realizes Michael is stalling. Oooh, why would he be doing that? Maybe because it’s been 4 hours and 22 minutes since everyone left Kansas City. Maggie and her crew arrive to find Sam and Cas still hooked up to the Messed-Up Thing, unable to help defend the bunker. She tells Tiger to lock the door and instructs everyone else to get ready to shoot. I’m thinking I’d have been outside the bunker, rather than waiting to defend it until the monsters get inside, but I don’t have Maggie’s awesome leadership skills.

Inside Dean’s head, TFW figures out that Michael doesn’t have any angelic powers. No problem, he’ll crush them with his bare hands. They fight karate movie style, with one person attacking Michael at a time. In the bunker, Michael smiles happily, because inside Dean’s head, he’s winning. Oh, and the monsters are here. And Tiger didn’t lock the door because he’s a monster now, DUH MAGGIE. The monsters come in and Jack watches the hunters get pummelled and finally he puts out his hand and gets glowy yellow eyes and yells NO and they all disintegrate. But it obviously took a lot out of him.

Back to Dean’s head. Michael says they clearly haven’t thought this through, because if Dean does manage to eject him, “you’ll be nothing but blood and bone.” This stops him for a second, but then he says “then we don’t kick him out; we keep him in.” He shoves Michael into the walk-in and jams the handle. “My mind, my rules,” he says. “I got him. I’m the cage.” Oooooh!!!!

Aftermath! Maggie tells Sam that the monsters have all gone their separate ways without Michael’s control. She says she didn’t know Jack could still do angel magic, and Sam looks away in distress and says “I didn’t either.” In the kitchen, Cas is lecturing Jack, telling him that using the magic burns away his soul. Jack claims it was an accident, and Cas would have been killed. Cas says it doesn’t matter because he’s doomed anyway, remember? (NO HE DOESN’T.) He tells Jack that he’s seen what happens when you lose your soul, and it’s not pretty. (I mean, it’s very pretty. It’s sexy as hell.) Jack promises it won’t happen again. I’m pretty sure he’s lying.

In his bedroom, Dean does some angsty mirror-gazing while Michael bangs and screams inside the walk-in in his mind. “It’s just you,” he tells himself. “It’s all you.” (OH CRAP the last time Dean said “it’s all you” was right after he tried to brain Sam with a hammer and WHY DOES THIS EPISODE KEEP REMINDING ME OF DEMON!DEAN???)

Then we hear a familiar voice - it’s Billie! “I did say I’d see you again soon,” she says, and DAMN THEY REMEMBERED THAT. GOOD. She does a little “told you so,” reminding him that she warned him about the dangers of jumping between worlds. He thinks it was worth it, but oh, guess what? You know that library with all the Dean Winchester deathfic? Well, all of those books have been rewritten. Now they all end with Michael escaping and using Dean as his vessel to destroy our world. Dean asks how she even knows that, did she re-read all of them, and she says here, look at my AO3 tags, look how every single fic in this series has the exact same tags and there’s no more mauled by ghouls or death by taco or tw: cannibalism. (NO SHE DOESN’T SAY THAT.)

What she does say is there’s one story that hasn’t been written over as Michael!Dean destroys the world. She hands it to Dean and he opens it and reads it and goes from anxious to confused to horrified.

What am I supposed to do with this?

That’s up to you.

He looks at the book again and then looks up with tears in his eyes, but Billie is gone.

WELL.

None of this is okay.

(Sidebar: Someone in the writer’s room really liked Infinity War, didn’t they? The last episode had the Finger Snap of Doom, and now we’ve got Dr. Strange’s every iteration of this ends with us losing, except one, and that’s not really a good one either. Maybe next week, Ant Man will show up outside the bunker.)

Wow. Once again, I’m surprised to say I really like this. My knee-jerk reaction was that the one good ending required Dean to die. But no, he wouldn’t react that way to his own death. This is something else. This is someone else. This is something horrible happening to someone he loves. What, and who? Sam is an obvious guess. They’ve been reminding us lately that Dean loves him (IN CASE YOU FORGOT, HA HA.) And there’s Cas, but Cas has his own issues. Or Jack? They’ve been hitting us with that relationship too. Mary, even? If this something awful turns out to be the way to get rid of Mary, I’m cool with that. (Jack, not so much.)

It’s hard not to think it’s Sam, though. It’s hard to imagine Dean’s immediate reaction being such horror (and grief?) for anyone other than Sam. Someone else, he’d be angry. He’d be in denial.

I’m sure I’m wrong. They probably even spoiled it in the previews for next week. (WHICH I DID NOT WATCH. PLEASE HELP ME REMAIN UNSPOILED.)

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Dumbo

I’m kind of over these Disney live action remakes and we’re just so early in the process. This does not bode well for the rest of my 2019 or the years to come. Granted, Dumbo is one of the best candidates for remaking because 1) depressing and 2) racist, even for 1941. So there’s nowhere to go but up, right? Well...

How can I put this - all the things that made the film better than the original made it SO MUCH BETTER. But all the things that made it worse made it...worse, but in such a boring way. I’m happy the virulent racism has gone by the wayside but I’d rather have a crazy technicolor nightmare than a bland bowl of oatmeal with some CGI on top. The basic story remains the same - flying elephant, big ears, magic feather, etc - but with some extra set dressing of a World War I veteran (Colin Farrell) coming back to work in a rinky dink circus run by Danny Devito, which is then bought out by an evil millionaire (is there any other kind?) played by Michael Keaton. 

Some thoughts:

Pros: the pink elephants are no longer life-ruining nightmare fuel. Cons: most other things about this movie. Literally at one point an announcer yells LET’S GET READY FOR DUMBOOOOO and if that doesn’t make your brain want to shrivel up into a hole and die, I don’t know what will. 

I fucking love circus stories. If you haven’t already, do yourself a favor and read one of my favorite books of all time, The Circus in Winter by Cathy Day. In terms of circus aesthetics, Tim Burton’s choices are just the right amount of charming/creepy, that perfect blend of things meant to be colorful and joyful but derelict and rundown. 

God, this monkey is super disturbing looking. Can we make an agreement as a people to stop with the CGI monkeys? Apes in Planet of the Apes are fine, but I draw the line at these horrifying zombie Capuchins. 

I could have lived my whole life without seeing Danny Devito take a bath.

However, I am solidly here for Eva Green just playing herself, I assume, as a mysterious French acrobat who’s probably killed a man with a high heel at some point. 

Here’s my fundamental issue with the premise of this film - in what universe are big elephant ears a bad thing? That’s one of the things elephants are known for, right? Like, the Navajo invented fry bread around 1864 and white people stole the idea like we stole everything else and started calling fried dough elephant ears after that - I just feel like as a rule, people are PRO large elephant ears. But then arbitrarily, these circus hands are making fun of the literal cutest baby angel to ever be born? It makes no goddamn sense.

Speaking of, what is UP with this guy who hates elephants? Who the fuck hates elephants? They can make art, and they hold funerals for their dead, and also they’re elephants I just can’t with this insane anti-elephant prejudice.

Did I Cry? Not as much as I expected to, given that river of tears during the trailer. But yes, I did during “Baby of Mine” and pretty much every time Dumbo doesn’t think he should fly but then at the last moment he does. 

Like the first big flying scene is a real emotional rollercoaster - the clown makeup is very upsetting, and he’s so scared, and then there’s that FUCKING MONKEY and then Dumbo actually flies. It’s just a lot for my poor heart to take.

What accent is Michael Keaton doing? In fact what movie does he think he’s in? He’s doing kind of a weird, old timey Mid-Atlantic evil Scooby Doo villain thing, which tracks for a Disney movie, but he’s kinda...bloodless? He’s nefarious in an “I’ve got more money than God” kinda way, but frankly, I think Jeff Bezos is a much scarier dude. Also? His big “vanquishment” at the end? He’s just going to get so much insurance money. Like. So much. He’s not even defeated. If anything, you made him even richer. I would ask “what kind of fucked up kid’s movie is this” but you know what, Dumbo is, in general, pretty damn bleak and disturbing, so maybe these decisions were thematic in nature. Hey kids, guess what, everything you love will be taken from you and the rich get richer every day! *Disney castle logo appears*

Can you even book tickets for elephants on a boat to India? They’re domesticated! How will they feed themselves??

On a scale of eh to meh, this falls solidly into the bleh category. Controversial opinion - cut out 2/3 of the film, make it a silent movie that’s all about Dumbo and his learning to believe in his magical abilities, scrap all the people because literally who cares about them, end it with him finding his mother and bringing her back to the circus family she knows and loves. BOOM. I fixed your fucking childhood.

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[aresaphrodites]

Hey but sorry to bother u but could give me those book recs? Relying on u girl

of course!! sorry bout the long wait, dear x

you said you preferred trilogies or series’ (which i don’t read much of tbh) so here are a few of my favorites: (( some of these will have full on summaries and some… not so much, i got lazy lol ))

The Lux Series by Jennifer L. Armentrout : Meet Katy and Daemon! Katy is a funny, down-to-earth book blogger who has just moved to West Virginia. And Daemon? Well, he’s her hot and arrogant next-door neighbor. He’s also an alien. This one is cheesy, yeah, but it’s so FUN! Follow along as Katy and Daemon try to figure out what they mean to each other while trying not to get killed by the Arum; the Lumen’s enemy. In this world, the DOD is well aware that aliens exist and that they live on Earth. However, they are unaware that the aliens known as Luxen actually possess powers that make them.. well… powerful beyond means. This isn’t just a romance story; it focuses on family and friendships and it has a bunch of kick ass action and the entire plot with the DOD is so interesting. 

The Pine Deep Series by Jonathan Maberry ; I’m only on the first book but this one is a bit more mature in terms of horror and things like that. If you like scary books or feel like being spooky in time for Halloween, you should definitely check this one out! 

The Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare : I’m sure you know about this one, but if you don’t! Angels, demons, warlocks, vampires, faeries, werewolves? What more could you want? When Clary Fray discovers she’s actually a Shadowhunter; an appointed warrior of the Angel Raziel and has angel blood coursing through her veins, her life is about to change forever. Join her and the rest of the Shadowhunter gang (and even a few others) as they team up to rescue her mom and stop an all out war from happening. 

The Darkest Minds Series by Alexandra Bracken ; I’m only on the first book but I absolutely love it! It’s an intense read that has me on the edge of my seat constantly. I adore Ruby and she’s easily become one of my favorite female characters of all time. 

Dorothy Must Die Series by Danielle Paige ; Okay. I know, I know. Really? Dorothy Must Die? Hear me out! This book is FUN. Trashy? Perhaps, but fun! The first book is really fast paced and honestly? I am living for a world where Dorothy is evil. So basically our main character is named Amy and she is the other girl from Kansas. She’s sent to Oz to save it from Dorothy Gale who has become power hungry and is now pure evil along with the Tin-Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow. The rest of the series doesn’t really live up to the first book, but I would say you should read the first one anyway. It’s a lot of fun. 

Did I Mention I Love You Series by Estelle Maskame: Sixteen-year-old Eden Munro decides to spend the summer with her father in Santa Monica as her parents are divorced now. Once there, she meets her father’s new family and that includes Tyler Bruce; her new asshole step brother with a short temper and a huge ego but as she gets to learn more about him, she finds herself falling for him. This trope isn’t for everyone and I know the whole step sibling thing is super taboo but this series is awesome and I read it during a huge reading slump and it really helped me get though it. 

Perfect Chemistry Series by Simone Elkeles: When Brittany Ellis walks into chemistry class on the first day of senior year, she has no clue that her carefully created “perfect” life is about to unravel before her eyes. She’s forced to be lab partners with Alex Fuentes, a gang member from the other side of town, and he is about to threaten everything she’s worked so hard for―her flawless reputation, her relationship with her boyfriend, and the secret that her home life is anything but perfect. Alex is a bad boy and he knows it. So when he makes a bet with his friends to lure Brittany into his life, he thinks nothing of it. But soon Alex realizes Brittany is a real person with real problems, and suddenly the bet he made in arrogance turns into something much more. (Each book in this series focuses on a different Fuentes brother.)

Fighting to Be Free Series by Kirsty Moseley: Jamie Cole has just been released from juvenile detention. Determined to go straight, he tries to cut ties with crime boss Brett Reyes - but Brett has no intention of letting him go. Jamie’s life is already more complicated than it needs to be, yet it’s when he meets a beautiful stranger at a bar that Jamie knows he’s really in over his head. Ellie Pearce has just come out of a terrible relationship and isn’t looking for anything serious; until she meets Jamie. Their attraction is overwhelming and intense - she can’t seem to shake her growing feelings for him, even though she’s trying to keep it casual. But when fate goes horribly wrong and Jamie’s family is faced with ruin, he’s forced to strike a deal with Brett. Despite his struggles, he wants nothing more than a future with Ellie. That’s until Ellie finds out that he’s been hiding more from her than she could ever imagine. 

Mind if I drop in a few stand alone’s? I’m trying to read more series’ but I’ve always been more of a stand alone kind of girl, so here are some of my current favs: 

#MurderTrending by Gretchen McNeil : WELCOME TO THE NEAR FUTURE, where good and honest citizens can enjoy watching the executions of society’s most infamous convicted felons, streaming live on The Postman app from the suburbanized prison island Alcatraz 2.0. When seventeen-year-old Dee Guerrera wakes up in a haze, lying on the ground of a dimly lit warehouse, she realizes she’s about to be the next victim of the app. Knowing hardened criminals are getting a taste of their own medicine in this place is one thing, but Dee refuses to roll over and die for a heinous crime she didn’t commit. Can Dee and her newly formed posse, the Death Row Breakfast Club, prove she’s innocent before she ends up wrongfully murdered for the world to see? Or will The Postman’s cast of executioners kill them off one by one?

One Small Thing by Erin Watt : Meet Beth and Chase. Beth is entering her senior year and is still trying to move on from the death of her older sister three years ago. In a small town with parents who have suddenly become her wardens; that seems nearly impossible. And then she meets the mysterious and hot Chase who immediately draws her in. Their attraction is instant and he’s the first person who makes her feel like Beth Jones and not Lizzie; the young girl who lost a sister and is somehow broken by it. But as she falls harder for Chase, she’s hit with the reality of the part he played in her sister’s death. It’s about forgiveness, love, and moving on. It’s sad and sweet and such a fun, quick read. Definitely good for trying to get out of a slump! 

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren :  Fangirl meets Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda in this funny and poignant coming-of-age novel from New York Times bestselling author Christina Lauren about two boys who fall in love in a writing class—one from a progressive family and the other from a conservative religious community. If you read one book off of this list, PLEASE let it be this one. This book is so… amazing. It’s been months and I still think about it constantly. 

Fault Line by C. Desir : Trigger WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS A RAPE. It is not shown, but it’s the main conflict in the book. Over the years I have struggled with if I liked this book because it was good or if I liked it because of how much it fucked me up. I read this book in one sitting and when I finished, I sat in my bed for a good hour and just…. didn’t move or do anything. You will NOT be rooting for the main couple. The narrator is unlikable and you will HATE all the characters in this book. The ending is NOT happy and I don’t know why I’m recommending this but GOD. This book, after so many years, just stuck with me because of how fucked up it was. It deals with the whole “recovery” process in such a dark way that we normally don’t see in YA fiction and I think that’s what makes it stand out so much. If you want something darker, read this. But read it with caution. If this isn’t something you like then please, don’t bother reading it. It’s not happy and it’s sure as shit not fluffy. Summary : Ben could date anyone he wants, but he only has eyes for the new girl—sarcastic free-spirit Ani. Luckily for Ben, Ani wants him too. She’s everything Ben could ever imagine. Everything he could ever want. But that all changes after the party. The one Ben misses. The one Ani goes to alone. Now Ani isn’t the girl she used to be, and Ben can’t sort out the truth from the lies. What really happened, and who is to blame? Ben wants to help her, but she refuses to be helped. The more she pushes Ben away, the more he wonders if there’s anything he can do to save the girl he loves.

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero : If you like Scooby-Doo or Archie’s Weird Mysteries this book is probably for you. 1990. The teen detectives once known as the Blyton Summer Detective Club are all grown up and haven’t seen each other since their fateful, final case in 1977. Andy, the tomboy, is twenty-five and on the run, wanted in at least two states. Kerri, one-time kid genius and budding biologist, is bartending in New York, working on a serious drinking problem. At least she’s got Tim, an excitable Weimaraner descended from the original canine member of the team. Nate, the horror nerd, has spent the last thirteen years in and out of mental health institutions, and currently resides in an asylum in Arhkam, Massachusetts. The only friend he still sees is Peter, the handsome jock turned movie star. The problem is, Peter’s been dead for years.The time has come to uncover the source of their nightmares and return to where it all began in 1977. This time, it better not be a man in a mask. The real monsters are waiting. 

Fatal Throne by Candace Fleming ; A book about Henry VIII and his six wives. If you like historical fiction then this book might be for you! It’s told through the perspective of his six wives (and even Henry himself) and it’s a really fascinating read. 

Okay, I think I’m going to stop here. Let me know if none of these speak to you and I’ll give you some more recs! I didn’t know what kind of genres you liked, so I tried to throw in a little bit of everything.

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup: 2x05 “ When A Stranger Calls”

Alright here I am once again, watching this damn show almost a week late. I honest to god don’t really remember what happened last time.

Oh right the Black Hood gave Betty a call and was like “ Hey girl, it’s me. Ya boy”. And he’s all like your sisters Uterus is FULL of sin so like if you don’t behave i’m going to kill that bish.” Alice comes in and assumes Betty is on the phone with her boyfriend like a normal girl instead of a mystery psycho killer and is like okay “ I pretended to like your boyfriend for like 3 minutes but honestly you should dump him. “

The writers remember that Betty and Archie are supposed to be freinds and they walk to school together and Betty is like I have tea to spill. Archie is like “you gotta go to the police” and Betty is like” nah i’m good. I’m fifteen and a grown up so like I can handle a literal murderer.”

So the Lodge family is gathered in Daddy's study and plotting about getting some other richie rich family to give them money for their SoDale(?) project and i’m like I STILL don’t know what the fuck that is.

Jughead meets up with the cast off B league teenage string of the South Side Serpents and it’s confirmed to me that Dilton confirmed did stab himself like a little attention seeking whore. I was unsure about that. So the Serpents think that the next reasonable step after the rumble at midnight with the Riverdale high school Bulldogs is to blow up a LITERAL building. That makes good sense. The slithery little snakey snakes are all like “ we aren’t the bad guys and to prove it to you we’re going to blow up the local newspaper with a pipe bomb our bros cousin made in his garage.”

Veronica starts going off about her old life with this Nicky bish back in nam where they went on crazy adventures and stayed up all night and i’m like oh last year? When you were 14?

Jughead rolls up to the South side Serpent bar and is like ‘okay i’m in put me in the gang’, and they’re like “ okay but first we’re going to haze you like you’re a pledge at Alpha Sigma Phi at Centeral Florida State University. “

The black hood is all like “Betty publish this story about your mother and her past on the south side” but like he literally sends her a newspaper clipping from back in the day. So don’t people already know about this? Why is it a big deal? Riverdale is small and gossipy as we’ve already seen so like did no one read the newspaper that day or did Alice gather them all up and burn them before anyone got their morning paper from their doorstep?  

The Sinclairs roll up and “ Nicholas” as Veronica calls him at least 11 times in the span of this 45 second scene is like “ this hotel sucks” and Veronica is like “ The five seasons is lovely.”  So this is supposed to be a play on the four seasons which are VERY fancy hotels. In what world would a town like Riverdale have anything close a four seasons or anything close to the kind of apartment that the Lodges live in? Nicholas should be complaining about having to stay at a Best Western or as this show would probably call it a Best Eastern or some bs like that, because that is far more plausible and riverdale is nothing if not completely plausible. So where do I know this Nicholas guy from?  Okay so I JUST discovered that his name is St. Clair and not Sinclar. Fucking sue me. I’m not going back to change it. that’s just too much work and I literally could not care less. He was that kid DJ in XOXO and in Staten Island summer. Oh shut the fuck up he was in 13! The musical. That’s fucking hilarious. Mirder me.

So Alice (whose bangs are once again different and I can’t handle it omg pick a style and stick to it) is all like Betty did you write this letter yourself for attention you sneaky little bish. Honestly it’s not going to shock me if the person who is calling Betty isn’t the real black hood and just someone fucking with her. How iconic would it be if it was Cheryl being like “ you threatened me in the bathroom so now i’m going to ruin your whole fucking life”. That would honestly make sense. So either Alice or Betty are getting Black Hood notes from a copy cat. OR there are two blackhoods. Who the hell knows?

Archie is in his bedroom pumping iron because you know he’s a man.

Jughead is trying to learn the serpent pledge and honestly shouldn’t it just be like “ I promise to share and be a friend” ala the girl guides. That’s so much simpler. So Jughead has to take care of hot dog and get spat on while what’s his face screams in his face and to top that all off he has to put his hand in the Rattle snake enclosure and i’m like okay i’m out. No gang for me. Toni calls Jughead Juggie and honestly i’m cringing.

Betty keeps coming for her mother and i’m like chill bish.

Veronica, Nick, and Archie are hanging out in her bedroom and it’s the strangest trio ever. Veronica turns down a line of coke because she’s too full from eating copious amounts of pasta at dinner i’m sure.

If Betty could change her ring tone I would be like SUPER grateful. Okay thanks.  She finds out she would recognize the face under the hood and i’m like no shit don’t like 11 people live in this town? The black hood is like “ I’m your only friend so cut Veronica loose” and not going to  lie that’s totally something I would do.

Jughead and Betty greet each other like they’re coming back from war in the middle of Pops dinner and they both just sit across the table from one another and feed each other lies. So healthy. So not annoying.

Nick is throwing a party and Cheryl is like fuck you all i’m coming to this thing. She’s Riverdale’s “ Resident IT girl” and she wants EVERYONE to know it.

It’s like three minutes into the party and Nick is like “ you’re friends are boring let’s all get high” and Veronica is like let’s pretend to be normal and i’m like  is it normal that 15 year olds get high in hotel suite off pixie stick esque mystery drugs?

Betty tears Veronica a new asshole and is honestly SUPER harsh but honestly pretty honest and i’m like Betty did you have to be so brutal? But whatever. Into it.

Toni rolls up to warn Jughead about joining the gang but all I could focus on was the dog in the background.

Nick is coming on to Veronica and she’s like lol we’re friends, no bro. Then he’s like “listen up bitch. If you don’t blow me i’m going to tell my daddy to tell your daddy to go fuck himself.” So like yikes.

The black hood is like defs not #Teambughead and is like okay Betty dump him. She’s like shit, and basically begs Archie to break up with Jughead for her and I would be judgy but I once made my sister quit my job for me so like bitches in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

So Alice rolls up to this gala in a very TS style fashion owning the snake label in a romper that basically goes down to her belly button. She promptly tells her good for nothing husband to shut up and continues to act as if she owns the place. I love it.

Nick is like “ omg so sorry for trying to blackmail you into sleeping with me V. I’ve been to rehab btw” and Veronica is like “ Okay we can be BFFs again. Let’s drink some ginger ale.”

Archie breaks up with Jughead for Betty in front of his whole new posey and it’s ice cold. The Serpent's proceed to beat the living shit out of Jughead and i’m like cute. Best way to gain loyalty from your new member.

Nick and Cheryl are chatting and it’s going well until he’s like “ hmmm she seems into me. Guess I’ll roofie her.” Like what the actual fuck you monster?

Josie and the Pussycats + Veronica  decide to pull out a cover of a song from Rent and i’m like i’m not mad but why? It just seems like such a random choice.  They note Nick taking a clearly fucked up Cheryl “ out for some air” and i’m like are you not in a literal tent?

They run through the halls of the 5 seasons and discover a master set of keys because all hotels just leave those hanging around. They rescue Cheryl and beat the living shit out of Nick which like good on you but that’s like super illegal and he’s so the type to lawyer up with Daddys money.

Black Hood tells Betty to go to this abandoned house to find out who he is and i’m like bitch this is SUCH a bad idea. Obviously he was never going to tell her who he is. Like what did she expect she’d put the mask on turn around and be like “ OLD MAN SMITHERS!” like this is some Scooby Doo type shit? Clearly not you silly bish.

Okay so we all gather around Cheryls bedside and Archie is ready to go FULL red circle on Nick and honestly betty is almost just sitting there like “ why am I here?”

Toni and Jughead admire his new tattoo while he ices his now fucked up face and then suddenly they're making out and i’m like okay murder me i’m not here for this.

Black Hood is like “ Betty what the fuck you’ve been telling Archie we’ve been wheeling! That’s so rude. I’m going to murder your whole family if you don’t give me the name of someone to murder” and she’s like “ Nick the would be rapist” and black hood is like “ yas good one. We are totes twins.”

Boom. Episode over. There’s a new episode in like two days so like a bitch will be back.