#Jen cc | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hannahssimblr · 3 months ago

Text

On the bike again, sun high, cutting through salted road tracks around Fairview Park. Over the Tolka, the Royal Canal, O’Connell Bridge across the Liffey—water like slush in there, churning instead of flowing. I could do this ride with my eyes shut. A hundred times, weaving the city’s arteries, knowing them like the veins on my wrist. But under snow, Dublin is extraterrestrial. A surreal experience as the lights turn amber to red, pedestrian crossing clicking with nobody to cross. Shadows are sharp and perfect as the old Georgians along the quay throw geometric shapes like paper cutouts. My gears clunk, chain clicking, careening around Westmoreland Street. Tyres bump over tram tracks. Barricades of snow, shovel-blackened, line the edge of every road. Icy wind in my face draws tears from the corners of my eyes as I pedal on.

Jen’s living in Ranelagh these days. Basement flat of a little redbrick place off Sallymount Avenue. It’s horrendous in that sort of authentic Dublin way. Obligatory bathroom mould, kind of thing. Paint on one side of the house is bubbling with damp, and the perpetual smell of old cigarettes permeates every corner. A film of sticky yellow residue from a long departed smoker still clings to the low ceilings, which I ran my finger though the last time I visited. Rolled it into a gooey dust ball and stuck it in Jen's face when she was trying to wash the dishes.

She’s in her bedroom painting her toes when I haul my bicycle through the weeds and chain it to the fence. I pound my fist on the window and frighten her. Mouth in a startled little O before she grins at me, her usual wicked smile. A mouth full of short, rounded teeth.

“Well you. Are you chilly?” she says, unlatching the door.

“Yeah,” I launch myself inside, grabbing her head and kissing the top of it a dozen times while she cackles. She’s done something weird to her hair again, half white, half black, split down the middle like Cruella De Vil. “Any luck with those dalmatians?” I ask. She ignores me and slams the door behind us.

“Welcome home, stranger,” she heads for the kitchen, MDF cabinets bloated with water damage. Barefoot, her heels are blackened from the dirt of the floor. “Will you have a coffee?”

“Yeah, thanks. That’d be really nice.” Seat myself at the table then. Textbooks strewn about, eyes glazing over the titles as the kettle boils and she spoons instant coffee into a mug. “How’s college?”

“Shite. How about you?”

“It’s alright.”

“Are they still wanking themselves off over your paintings over in Berlin? Turner the Wonderboy.”

I just smile. “I’m doing fine.”

She throws her head back in a laugh. “Say no more. And the rest of it all? The job?”

“Oh, Christ.” Weakened from even thinking about it, I have to put my head on the table.

“Not great, is it?” Jen sinks into the seat opposite and slides the mug to me. I hold it, slightly too hot to touch, and let the warmth prickle through my palms. Staring into its murky depths like a crystal ball, while chunks of undissolved grounds float about the surface. A pair of eyes laden with dark circles stare back.

“Do I look corpse-like these days? I feel like I’m sort of rotting from the inside out.”

“No. Sure you’re only gorgeous. You get more gorgeous every time I see you.”

“Hmph.”

“Welcome to the working world,” she says, her glee barely disguised. I’m starting to see things for how they are now, in a depressing sort of way. Looking back on things I said to her before, about not affording things or not feeling welcome in certain places, and cringing about it. To know I was ignorant and spoiled, going about my life with my nose in the air while my friends faced struggles beyond my comprehension. Even last year, when Jen moved here, I told her to pick a nicer place. Somewhere with natural light, closer to town, assuming my logic was flawless. I want to tear through the fabric of time and sock myself across the jaw.

Sipping her coffee, Jen leans back and gazes out the tiny window into the yard out back. It’s a tip out there. A nearby business uses it to store its bins and dump its miscellaneous waste, though nobody actually knows if they have permission to do so. “And how’s the lovely miss Astrid? The most recent pics I saw of ye were off in Slovenia or somewhere, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah, our anniversary trip. That was November. She’s fine. She’s…” I trail off and stare at the table. The upstairs neighbour crosses the room overhead, the thump of feet shaking the ceiling. The TV goes on. It’s so loud we can hear every word of the afternoon weather report. “She’s doing well with her ceramics,” I manage. “She’s got an exhibition on next week, which she’s pretty excited about.”

“Oh, wow, yeah. Good for her.” Jen’s smiling encouragingly, eager to show that my relationship with Astrid doesn’t bother her. Wants me to know she supports the choices I have made, even if lately I don’t even really support them myself. It’s my fault it’s like this anyway, with Jen, I mean. The times she’s expressed doubts about the fairness or ethics of my relationship, I’ve made her feel like her opinion is an imposition. Defending Astrid, like, no, she doesn’t mean it like that/I know it sounds bad, but it’s just the way she says it/She finds it hard to sound sincere. “I just care about you,” she said glumly during a call, and I made sure to smile, so it came across in my voice. “I know, Jen, and I love that about you. It’s just that it’s hard to ‘get’ a relationship when you’re not in it. I don’t want to feel you’re judging her when you actually just don’t know her.” Eventually, Jen stopped venturing beyond the realm of small-talk. This bright smile is her way of staying out of it.

“I’ve seen her ceramics online, actually. They’re cool,” she says.

“Oh, yeah? You think?”

“I followed her on Instagram a while back, yeah,” her smile strains before she adds, “they’re not ceramics you’d have clattering around your kitchen, though, are they? They’re a bit out there.”

“Yeah, so basically they’re not meant to be functional. They’re meant to reflect, like, states of metamorphosis and conflict, creating, um, organic shapes inspired by human figures and the landscapes of northern France where she has spent a lot of time. She fires them multiple times to kinda represent the passage of time. It’s a whole statement, rather than, you know, a mug to have your tea out of.”

“Aw yeah. Dead cool. I wouldn’t have got all that from looking at them.”

Silence. Jen takes a slow sip of her coffee, eyes flicking toward the window. “All good to see Shane later?”

“Yeah. That dinner thing? Of course. Why?”

She nods, still looking out, like she’s working something out in her head. Then: “Did he—” She stops. Frowns slightly. “Never mind.”

I sit up. “What?”

“It’s nothing.”

I just look at her.

She sighs. “Did he text you about Evie’s birthday thing?”

A jolt of energy moves between us. “No,” I say, carefully. “He didn’t.”

“Oh.” A wince. “Shit. He probably meant to. You know what he’s like. Or maybe he texted me and assumed I’d text you, which is my bad…” she does not stop speaking, and I do not stop her, both knowing if I allow her to go on, we will not have to acknowledge the situation, as the room tips slightly, becoming unreal.

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s totally fine,” I hear myself saying in between gaps in her words, weaving in and out of her cyclical ramblings, reassuring myself, really. “Simple mistake. It’s no big deal. It’s fine, it’s fine. Jen. Nobody’s fault.”

“No, but we don’t have to go,” she’s saying. “I told him maybe, you know, maybe if we felt like going, but it’s going to be mostly people from her college, I think. It could be completely be weird if we went, you know? Since we don’t know her anymore, really, do we?”

“No, you’re right, yeah. We wouldn’t have to.”

“And when I saw her months ago, she said she doesn’t care about any of it anymore, so.”

I stop. “You saw her?”

Jen blinks. “Yeah, yeah. I saw her at some bar. Did I not tell you that either?”

“Uh, no. I think I’d remember if you did.”

“Oh. Oh. Well, yeah… I was out one Friday in this bar on Dame Lane. One of those horrible swanky places where cocktails are like a million euro. Ran into her in the toilets fixing her makeup.” Her eyes flicker away, avoiding mine. “I didn’t even know it was her at first. She was like… I dunno, like, all sharp angles, tiny little dress with her whole back out. Different, you know?”

Leaning forward now, chewing on that word. Different. Fascinated by its implications. The feeling she’s some unlockable character, an outline with features unrevealed. Discover myself loathing the idea of change. I don’t want it. I want her to be where I left her, on that beach, lying on a beach towel in some perpetual summer, waiting for me to come back.

“How?”

She shrugs, a forced gesture. “Oh, like, she just looked like she belonged there.”

“That’s not what you actually mean.”

She presses her lips together. “Okay, well, like, she was cold, Jude. I tried to bring up that summer, just to clear the air, say I was sorry for sticking my nose in, but she shut it down. Properly shut it down. Acted like I was dragging up ancient history that no one but me even cared about.”

A flicker of something ugly moves through me. “Right.”

“She actually said, why are you talking to me about this?” she shakes her head. “Like I was a weirdo.”

“Oh.”

“And then about half an hour later,” Jen hesitates, then, knowing the next part will land wrong. Saying it anyway. “She was outside, tongue kissing some guy in the smoking area like her life depended on it.”

A sharp pulse in my stomach. I have to glance away. “Really?”

“Yes.” She lowers her voice to a gossipy whisper. “Aggressively. Like she wanted people to see.”

A beat of silence. We look at each other. “Well,” I say, my voice light and detached as I can manage. “I suppose she can do what she wants, can’t she?”

“Yeah, power to the women, et cetera. He wasn’t handsome, by the way. He was kind of vegetarian looking.”

I squint. “I don’t actually give a shit how vegetarian-looking the men she kisses are. That’s not something I’m up at night wondering about.”

She laughs. “Oh, right, well, I’m just saying. Anyway, that’s just reminded me I have to tell you about this lad my mate was going out with. Talk about weird men. He was into improv comedy, and the first date, took her to an open mic comedy show…”

I stare blankly while she talks. Words swimming around me like abstract sounds muffled behind a screen. Sharp angles. She said. Where? Her cheeks? Her hips? A vision of said backless dress, curve of her spine, leaning over a sink. Blue lights. The Evie in my head covers her face in embarrassment at the thought of wearing a dress like that. “God, no,” she cries. “You wouldn’t catch me dead. I’d never.”

“... and he bombed.” Jen says with emphasis. “Like, nobody laughed. They actually heckled him.”

“Oh, gas.” I reply.

And kissing this vegetarian-looking guy. What is it with that? Liam from the surf shack was relatively vegetarian-looking, thinking back on it, wasn’t he? Big leather sandals on him. Is that actually just what she likes? Feeling threatened now by men who get the lentil burger off the pub menu. I could take him down onto the floor in three seconds with the power of animal protein. I boast to imaginary Evie inside my head. She’s not listening to me. Her boyfriend is showing her how he makes deodorant out of coconut oil.

“... she went on a second date too, after all that. And it was so much worse…”

I drain my coffee, drum my fingers on the side of the mug. Get up and wander towards the window and look out of it. “Mm. Some guys are just so fucking weird,” I say as Jen expands the universe of this nightmare date, introducing the element of one-sided polyamory.

“... anyway, she’s better at telling the story. I’ll get her to tell you herself. Hey, maybe after dinner I'll invite her over. We could grab a few cans and just hang out here. What do you think?”

I’m fixated on a robin, hopping from one snowy twig to the next. “Hm? No. I think I’ll go to the party.”

She stops. Makes a sound that isn’t quite a laugh. “Wait, are you messing?”

“No, whatever. We’ll just swing by and say hello.”

I don’t look around to see her reaction, but feel it, a charge in the air. “Jude, like… Sorry, but what’s the point of that?”

“A few drinks. It’ll be fine. Just say happy birthday to her, and then we can go. I just want to be civil.”

“Okay.. are you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. It’s not a big deal. It’s not like that anymore between us anyway, you know? She doesn’t care, and I obviously don’t care either. It’s just, like, two old friends running into each other.”