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kaaras-adaar-a · 5 years

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Kaaras and Stenn

// Before Kaaras’ romance during Inquisition, he’s only ever been in one serious relationship. I wanted to talk more about who that was as an updated post because I’ve got some old ones floating around as well that are incredibly outdated.

Meet Stenn (now that I have pics of him!):

Stenn is a Tal’Vashoth warrior, who was a Sten under the Qun. He was a fair few years older than Kaaras, in his 30′s when they met (Kaaras was in his early 20′s).

Having met at a young age, and a troubling time for Kaaras, Stenn became a very solid and stable part of Kaaras’ life. Struggling through depression and alcohol addiction, as well as a lot of self loathing and other issues Kaaras was going through because of having left home and the loss of his father when he was a child, Kaaras was a mess. He’d often drink himself into a stupor and then sleep around. While Kaaras never lost his penetrative virginity (and it’s something he doesn’t lose until his Inquisition LI), he did fool around quite a lot no thanks to his liquid courage.

That stopped when Stenn took a shining to him, and in turn, Kaaras grew feelings for him back. Stenn was a kind, compassionate and almost a fatherly figure in a sense as well for Kaaras. Kaaras does have a thing for older men, and it’s quite a weakness, so I think that worked to Stenn’s advantage, but it was not his intention. Stenn just saw the mess that Kaaras was, and thought this was a person with potential to be much better once he figured himself out and set himself straight. He ultimately wanted to help him.

Things started small, just being able to spend time together during and in between missions. Kaaras looked UP to Stenn a lot, because of how set in stone he was, because of how much he already knew himself, despite having changed his entire life as a Tal’Vashoth. From a younger point of view, Kaaras saw hope in that, because he was a mess with a big hole in his life, and he needed to change that, to make it whole again.

The first step, Kaaras knew he had a drinking problem, and with the help of Stenn and a lot of withdrawing and pain, he was able to get off the alcohol. He still had his slips here and there, but everyone has those. But it was Stenn who got him through that, and he was by his side the entire time he was in withdrawals. Kaaras suffered the whole lot, the night sweats, the physical agony of coming off alcohol, the shaking, the irritation--all of it, and Stenn was there the whole time while he detoxed. He was there to remind him how far he’d come, of what he could achieve.

Not just that, but Stenn helped Kaaras understand himself sexually as well. Due to the PSAS/PGAD (more meta in his tags on his condition), sexual contact could oftentimes be painful. Kaaras hated his body and everything to do with it. His PSAS/PGAD was probably a lot worse as a younger man due to hormones going haywire as well, but he still suffers the condition to this day. Stenn took things slow and encouraged Kaaras to ENJOY sexual stimulation, and remind him that it wasn’t always to be associated with pain. Kaaras is and will remain a shy person. Despite his past, he was drunk during those times, and without the alcohol, it brought on a whole NEW bunch of insecurities and AWARENESS to him. He could no longer drown himself in flesh without the aid of that courage, so going slow for him was a MUST, and something that Stenn was able to do.

While the two of them certainly were able to explore with each other, the time when they were going to have sex was unfortunately interrupted. Kaaras, having worked up so much courage only for it to be shot down again, took a blow. While they were still romantic with one another and in a relationship, it was like working up from the bottom again, and unfortunately, never reached that far before things started to decline for them.

Both of them have ALWAYS been stubborn. Kaaras was beginning to come into his proper manhood and adulthood now, and he was beginning to form his own opinions and morals, particularly because he was now sober. He was his old self again, and yet a new person as well. He’d grown and he’d learned. He was developing emotionally and maturing fast.

Stenn, already in his mid 30′s, was never going to change. And unfortunately they had conflicts of interest as time went on. Kaaras had started to question the leadership of the mercenary company they were a part of (Kaaras had not originally been a part of the company while Stenn had been an original member). Of course, you can see why there would be conflict there. Kaaras has extremely strong morals, and that doesn’t always work to his favour, especially if he is to follow orders he does not personally agree with. Stenn didn’t want to hear it, and knew that their leader was getting work for them and therefore that was good enough. Unlike Kaaras, Stenn’s morals were lower and he didn’t mind breaking the law for coin.

While the two of them tried their best to work through it, unfortunately, it took a turn for the worst when Kaaras’ mentor (who was the reason they’d joined the merc company in the first place) was killed during a questionable contract. Kaaras had had enough. It was the last straw, and he told Stenn that he was leaving, and if he wished to follow then he was welcome to. Unfortunately, Stenn was already set in his ways, and did not want to break away from the company he’d been a part of for years. Even though Stenn did not want to break up, Kaaras made the decision for him, and broke it off with him despite it being so difficult to do.

The split was somewhat mutual and there was no hard feelings between them, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult. Kaaras will NEVER forget what his lover had done for him, and he even informed and thanked him for the support he’d given him over the years and the personal growth. In saying that, though, leaving was the best thing Kaaras had ever done for himself. It wasn’t just him who had been questioning orders, but some of the other mercenaries as well, who followed Kaaras when he left and named him the leader of their new company, the Beres-taar. Even though Kaaras was a young mercenary captain, he’d proven himself a good leader over the years and people were willing to follow him.

Having moved to Starkhaven for a more permanent position, Kaaras did struggle with alcohol a little bit after the breakup, but his own personal growth allowed him the strength to keep control of himself (and with the support of his company and sister). This was a massive breakthrough for Kaaras and who he is today. He knows he has the strength and the will. He also now can’t be selfish, as he had responsibilities as a leader. This is also why he fell into the role of Inquisitor with more ease than some. He had the experience of being a captain for the last few years before Inquisition. The responsibility does have it tolls, though. Kaaras began to stress eat, which is why he’s a little softer around the midsection these days compared to his previous figure. He’d always been short and stocky, but he also used to be a fair few kilos lighter.

While he and Stenn attempted to write here and there, the wounds were just a little too raw for Kaaras to always get in contact with him--and his duty as Captain took priority. Only when Kaaras was invited to the peace talks did Kaaras see Stenn again while they moved south and made their way through Kirkwall (where Stenn and the company were based). While Stenn proposed that they could perhaps get back together again, Kaaras had grown too much and the divide between them had simply gone on for too long. Kaaras may always love Stenn in a way that he’d never forget, but he knew that it would not end happily, and he also didn’t respect Stenn as much as he used to, therefore he could not be in a relationship with him. They’d simply grown apart too much, and that was fine.

Unfortunately, during Inquisition, Stenn does die on a mission for his company, and the captain of the Ralshokra writes to the Inquisitor explaining what had happened. Kaaras is devastated and heartbroken to hear that Stenn has died and that he never quite told him that he had loved him when they were together. Kaaras will never forget him, or what he did for him. In a way, he feels that it’s because of Stenn that he was able to be where he is today. That he was able to grow, to sober up, to explore and learn so much about himself, and because of that, he will always love him.

#Off the ram || ooc #long post #Meta #Headcanons #// Saw that cute pic of Sawyer and forgot I had this in my drafts so I wanted to finish it :U #cw: alcohol #cw: depression #cw: character death #Kaaras and Stenn #Stenn

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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Kaaras and Stenn

// Before Kaaras’ romance during Inquisition, he’s only ever been in one serious relationship. I wanted to talk more about who that was, so--

Meet Stenn (now that I have pics of him!):

Stenn is a Tal’Vashoth warrior, who was a Sten under the Qun. He was a fair few years older than Kaaras, in his 30′s when they met (Kaaras was in his early 20′s).

The first step, Kaaras knew he had a drinking problem, and with the help of Stenn and a lot of withdrawing and pain, he was able to get off the alcohol. He still had his slips here and there, but everyone has those. But it was Stenn who got him through that, and he was by his side the entire time he was in withdrawals. Kaaras suffered the whole lot, the night sweats, the physical agony of coming off alcohol, the shaking, the irritation–all of it, and Stenn was there the whole time while he detoxed. He was there to remind him how far he’d come, of what he could achieve.

While he and Stenn attempted to write here and there, the wounds were just a little too raw for Kaaras to always get in contact with him–and his duty as Captain took priority. Only when Kaaras was invited to the peace talks did Kaaras see Stenn again while they moved south and made their way through Kirkwall (where Stenn and the company were based). While Stenn proposed that they could perhaps get back together again, Kaaras had grown too much and the divide between them had simply gone on for too long. Kaaras may always love Stenn in a way that he’d never forget, but he knew that it would not end happily, and he also didn’t respect Stenn as much as he used to, therefore he could not be in a relationship with him. They’d simply grown apart too much, and that was fine.

#ooc #Kaaras Adaar #Headcanons #Meta #Long post #Stenn #cw: alcohol #cw: depression #Kaaras and Stenn #cw: character death

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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Kaaras and the Valo-kas

// Kaaras is NOT a member of the Valo-Kas. For long term RP partners, they most likely know this (or for those who have read over Kaaras’ profile). I did have him in contact with them prior, but it’s easier to have Kaaras as a stand alone character without the ties to the Valo-Kas. So I’d like to shed some light on his mercenary life.

When Kaaras was only five, he came into his magic. At the markets in Ferelden, a group of older kids began picking on him and chasing him–in an attempt to beat him up and most likely steal anything he had on his persons. While he was defending himself, Kaaras was backed into a corner and ended up using a force blast to knock them back.

Kaaras is a qunari, so he never would have been accepted into a Ferelden Circle–they’d rather have him hanged (or made Tranquil). However, Kaaras’ future trainer (Saarebas), saw the incident and made sure that the children didn’t taddle on him–how she did this was probably by scare tactics and threats to them before they could reach their parents, and the incident was never legally reported. Even if it was, most people were afraid to approach a family of qunari.

When this all happened, Kaaras was mortified and ran all the way home in tears. He had no idea what had happened, he’d just thought of pushing them back and it had happened, and he was freaking out. His mother and father had no idea how to deal with their child being a mage (considering they are Tal’Vashoth, only having fled the Qun when pregnant with Kaaras). Neither of them are mages, so they were out of their depth and element.

After a few days had passed, Saarebas knocked on their door and informed them that she had seen the incident, and let them know that Kaaras was safe from the law–for now–but he had to get his magic under control if they didn’t want a repeat of what had happened. Aban and Anaan were desperate for help, and she knew this. They were a poor family that was struggling to make any coin off their farm. Saarebas knew that they could not offer her anything in return for her help, but she was a spiritual woman, and she saw something special when she saw Kaaras, and she believed that if well trained, he could be destined for great things. I should note that Saarebas is an exceptionally spiritual woman, one who actually spoke to spirits–as well as reading tarot cards. What she saw in Kaaras was something, and she believed it. So she offered to help train him so he could gain control of his magic. In return, the Adaar family allowed her to stay in the barn if she was in the area–as she worked as a mercenary and often crossed Southron Hills (the house was small and could barely house them all as was).

Her form was strict and harsh. She wasn’t exactly a mean woman, but she wasn’t nurturing either. Not in a soft way. She was far more the “tough love” kind of woman. But her training is what made Kaaras so disciplined in his magic, and in his will.

After Kaaras’ father died when he was 12, he promised he’d find the remaining man who attacked their home and bring him to justice. He knew Saarebas was a mercenary, and he asked her every day when could he join. It was his soul purpose. Eventually, Saarebas knew that she couldn’t stop him, and said he was ready. If she could not take him under her wing, then he would go it alone, which she couldn’t allow.

Her mercenary group was not the Valo-Kas, it was her own, named the Ash Ataash (to seek glory). Mostly it was with humans and elves no thanks to being in Ferelden. When there wasn’t much coin going for them, they ended up moving to the Marches, in Kirkwall. Competition was fierce within the area, even though there was plenty of jobs going around. Kaaras (and any other qunari) was seen as an asset due to their strength and will to get things done. This meant the Ash Ataash stood out. After being approached by a very qunari orientated band (named the Ralshokra after the supposed death challenges), Saarebas accepted the offer for them to join. It gave them a chance to get work when it was already difficult for such a small band to get good jobs that paid well.

After a few years with them, the Ralshokra had gained a ruthless name for themselves, and Kaaras gained a lot of experience. He didn’t always agree with what was happening and the jobs, but he understood that he was in need of coin to send back to his mother back on the farm.

When he was 24, Kaaras grew fond of one of the other members, Stenn (the former love of his life before Inquisition). Kaaras was in a messy place, and for years after his father died, he’d taken to alcohol as a crutch. Kaaras often drank himself into a stupor to try and take away the pain of his father’s death, as well as sharing a bed with others who approached him and wanted sex. He didn’t have penetrative sex with anyone, in fact, his pride (and shame) stopped him from doing that, at least a part of what little pride he still had in himself. That and he’d always wanted to wait for that someone special. Kaaras has always been a romantic at heart.

Stenn stopped all of this. He was the absolute calm to Kaaras’ storm. He was kind, gentle, loving, and everything Kaaras really needed in a time of need. It was often just talking, staying up late with each other while on the road as everyone else slept. Eventually, it turned into a romance, but they took things very slow. Stenn wanted it to be slow for Kaaras, instead of all the quick paced running into things he was usually doing in trying to soothe his pains. It was also slow because of Kaaras’ lack of alcohol to give him confidence, not to mention the physical pain he could be in at times no thanks to his condition.

Gentle kisses soon became touches, and eventually they went further to being nude with one another, but never penetrative sex. When they were going to, they were interrupted, and the moment was pretty much stolen from them. It had taken all of Kaaras’ courage to get to that point, so it was smashed again, and it just never had time to grow once more as soon after, their band was under attack, and Saarebas ended up dying.

When Saarebas died, it put a huge strain on their romance, no thanks to Kaaras, determined to believe that the bad orders had gotten Saarebas killed. There were disagreements and bad tension, and in the end Kaaras made his decision: he left. Some of the Ralshokra went with him, in agreement that the leadership was too reckless. Stenn remained behind, in disagreement and rather set in his ways (he was a lot older than Kaaras). In a moment of angst, the both of them were far too stubborn and hurt to set aside their differences, and they parted. They never said that they had fallen in love with each other, and the bitterness from their parting kept them from saying it, however, Kaaras showed that he was thankful for everything his lover had ever done for him, and while hurt, they did not part on angry terms.

This was when Kaaras moved up to Starkhaven and that’s where he started recruiting more men. He became the captain of the company and they settled there doing mercenary work for the next few years under the title of the Beres-taar (meaning ‘shield’). Kaaras devoted his life to this, to making better decisions, to letting go of his hate and unhappiness. This was his new goal.

The Beres-taar were quick to make a name for themselves, having some of the advantage of former Ralshokra members. Kaaras was a natural born leader, and with the mistakes of the former band he’d been in, he was determined to give his company a good and loyal name for the work they did. This eventually got the attention of nobles in the area, and they earned a decent living.

Eventually, their name was known enough in Starkhaven that they were suggested to aid with protecting the Divine during the peace talks. This was the first time Kaaras had ever run into the Valo-Kas. The only time Kaaras has ever taken part in knowing the company is via the peace talks. Kaaras was asked specifically by reputation and having previously worked with the Prince of Starkhaven and nobles. Kaaras’ company themselves are not overly large, but they are hard workers who are dedicated to their jobs. Numbers was a must, however, so Kaaras was fine when he got the news that another band would be accompanying them.

Both the Beres-taar and Valo-Kas went to the Conclave alongside one another, however, because the Valo-Kas was more well known thanks to more years of being in service, everyone assumes Kaaras was under their title. He wasn’t, and he corrects EVERYONE who says he is and was, but this is why people assume he’s from the Valo-Kas in Inquisition.

During his travel back through Kirkwall, Kaaras and Stenn reunited, however, things had changed between them, and Kaaras had changed too much as a person to continue a romance. The events at the Conclave happened, and they were separated, Kaaras became the Herald and Stenn remained in Kirkwall.

Everything else is pretty much known to his timeline. :)

So, Kaaras is NOT a member of the Valo-kas and he never has been. The only time he’s been in contact with them was during the peace talks. Everything you see in Inquisition for the Valo-Kas missions pretty much isn’t canon to Kaaras, however, he does keep in contact with them as there’s no bad blood between them and they were both at the Conclave together.

I will do a meta on Kaaras’ life in Starkhaven another time, but this is why Kaaras is not a member of the Valo-Kas, but why some people assume he is, and that I wanted to at least stay true to parts of the canon, but also pull away from it.

#ooc #Headcanons #Meta #Valo Kas #Beres taar #Stenn #Kaaras and the Valo Kas

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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Every Heartbeat

Characters: Kaaras Adaar, Aith, Stenn, Taali Pre-Inquisition (Kaaras 25 years old) Warning: Contains profanity, character death, adult themes, alcohol mentions

He didn’t even have time to grieve as she lay there, the gore covering her body. An axe, and a big one. It didn’t matter how powerful the woman had been, she was no match for multiple assailants. No match for a fucking ambush! An ambush which could have very well been avoided. But this was what happened when the majority of a group voted, wasn’t it? And when Kaaras didn’t have the last say in such orders.

Never again.

He’d already told himself that this was it. It was over. How could he possibly continue to work for people such as the Ralshokra when they were so rash in their thinking, in their strategies? This was what happened when money was more valuable than a person’s life! And not just any person, but his trainer, his mentor, the woman he’d been training with for years now! Over ten years! And now she was gone within the blink of an eye. How easily a life could be taken…

It was a miracle that he was alive himself, and he’d managed to take a few men out, but when it came down to it, Kaaras didn’t really blame the enemy—especially when they knew no better than to see Saarebas as a savage oxwoman who would kill any man who crossed her path. She looked the part, yes, but she was like a second mother to him. She had been there for him when his father had died, when he could not look his mother in the eye after it all happened. She’d never just been a mentor to him, but family. And there was another one to add to the damn list! Another name on his fucking hands. This would have never have happened if he’d put his damn foot down harder! If he’d been calling the shots. If he’d stood up and made his point clearer. Of course… he turned to self blame. Kaaras always did.

He warned them! He warned them that the mission was dangerous. And yet, to a mercenary, nothing was dangerous provided the coin was enough payment. And they’d been given such a large sum upfront that of course Taali wouldn’t deny it. Greedy. Fucking greedy! No coin, no riches, was ever worth someone’s life!

Shaking, Kaaras panted as he marched his way back to the meeting point. The mission was done, they’d get their coin, but at what cost? If he knew that this would have been the outcome, he’d have never agreed to take the job. Alas… time was something he knew he could never turn back. It was too late, Saarebas was dead, and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

But there was something he could do to make damn sure that this would never happen again…

Pushing the door open, the young mage moved over to their captain, and eyes were fiery red, not just because that’s the colour they were, but they were angry, burning, and perhaps even tear-stung. He’d not even been able to retrieve her body yet, not in the mix of everything.

“Are you happy now?” he barked. “A valuable part of this team has been killed! That didn’t have to happen, and you all know damn well that it could have been prevented!” To say he was furious was a damn well understatement. The young qunari was deeply upset and disturbed by the outcome.

Taali stood up, the woman taller than him—although it didn’t take much for any qunari to be taller than Kaaras. He was the runt of the littler, even if he was a good build and a strong mage.

“Calm down, Adaar, you got your coin.” She shoved the little bag into his hands, and it was immediately tossed onto the floor, clinking with a heavy thud, just to signify the amount that was within. An easy job never got heavy coin.

Kaaras seethed. “I don’t want your coin! I want Saarebas alive and well!” Which very well wasn’t going to happen, and he knew that. It didn’t stop the words from spewing out of his mouth, thick with daggers in her direction. Because, yes, it was her fault that this happened. Bad orders were made, and as the captain of this mercenary band, she had to take responsibility of the lives within.

What was there of the group moved a little uneasily at the scuffle that was going on between the two. Taali’s eyes moved to the elf that had joined up with Kaaras, his adopted sister of sorts. But when she went to put a hand to his arm, he just threw it off. Temperamental mage, he was. He’d always been hot-headed, and she knew that the moment they started working together, but Kaaras’ heart had always been in the right place. In her eyes… that wasn’t always a good thing. It got in the way of their work. Such as now.

She clicked her tongue in a scoff. “Look, Kaaras, you knew the risks of being a mercenary when you joined Saarebas and her company before coming here. I don’t know how they do things in Ferelden, but the Marches are different. A lot more people here, too, and a lot more bad people. A lot more coin and a hellova lot more competition. We got the job done–,”

“Is that all you care about? That you got some fucking coin!?” Kaaras’ voice was strained, disbelief cracking through. He couldn’t believe it. He knew that things were different up north, he also knew that mercenary life wasn’t always the most ethical in nature, but this was drawing a line.

He drew a heavy breath, hands balling into fists as he tried to keep his temper down to a minimum. It was to no avail. He didn’t like being angry, in fact, he hated it. He feared his anger turned him into a monster, like so many people had said about him, even when calm. He was a qunari, he was a savage. He thought that the humans of Ferelden had just been cruel, but this… this made him worry that perhaps what they said about his kind was in fact true. And that shattered his heart.

He’d worked so hard to not be that image, to be a kindhearted individual, giving and compassionate. And now, what stood before him was the opposite. She cared for nothing but her coin. Even her people were expendable. It didn’t matter so long as her pockets were heavy and her sword was strapped to her back. It made him sick to the stomach.

“One of your people died today, Taali, and you… you can’t show at least a little bit of sympathy?” Why was he even bothering with it? He’d seen it before. People died in companies every day, just as bandits did. And honestly, he was starting to feel like that’s exactly what this company was. A group of thugs. The only difference was that they got paid, whereas bandits simply raided for the sake of it. Perhaps that was even worse.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t stay… Not when it was clearly alright that people died so long as they got a little coin in their purse. That wasn’t what he stood for, and it never would be. Kaaras simply wasn’t the type. He became a mercenary to help his mother survive, so he and Aith could grow up and provide for themselves and they could keep a place they could call home. He knew it wasn’t easy work, and he knew it was dangerous, but he couldn’t work like this and feel proud of himself anymore. He felt no more than a common thug, and that went against everything he believed in.

Taali shook her head and gruffly sighed. “What do you want me to do, Adaar? Sing a song for her? That’s not my thing, and it’s not gonna bring her back either. We move on and we do the next job. If you want a eulogy, then talk to Stenn.” She threw her thumb over her shoulder.

“Hey, have some respect!” the small elf snapped from beside Kaaras. She could already tell that Kaaras was at breaking point, and Taali wasn’t making it any better with her quips. She wasn’t going to sit by and let her speak about Saarebas like that. That was her friend, too. She may deal with her grieving a little differently than Kaaras, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t upset that the woman had died.

This was just getting tiring. “Stenn, I’m done, can you please deal with your boyfriend?” She gave a huff and sat herself back down, eyeing the coin that was on the floor from where Kaaras had thrown it, but Aith saw her and snatched it up, shoving it into her pocket. Smart girl. Kaaras, in his own tiff, probably would have just left it there. At least someone in the damn family knew how things were. Took an ex Dalish to as well. Balls, Kaaras could be so dumb sometimes.

Stenn had been sitting at the table within the room they were all in. Currently, the older qunari male was nursing a tankard of ale. It was around about now that he’d usually be writing his next ballad after a job well done. Unfortunately, he didn’t like the outcome of this one, but he also had been on Taali’s side for this mission. Sometimes, people were lost, and there wasn’t much to be done about it.

Alas, he cared deeply for Kaaras, and had for the last year. The young man had been… troublesome when he’d come to them, moody, drinking, guarded. Incredibly guarded. It took patience with Kaaras, patience that Stenn had, and he’d fallen for the young lad. Still, it was times like this that he was reminded that Kaaras absolutely wore his heart on his sleeve, and at times it was… irrational.

Standing, he gestured for Kaaras to follow him, taking his hand carefully. “Come with me, we’ll take a walk outside, get some fresh air.” His smile was gentle, tender, and he saw Kaaras’ eyes flicker back to Taali. He knew that the Vashoth needed time away from the situation to settle.

“C’mon.” It was a soft, encouraging order, and his hand moved to Kaaras’ back, quietly ushering him out of the door. When there was no argument from the blonde, the corners of his eyes creased in a smile, the warm, city air hitting his skin when they stepped outside.

Kaaras took a deep breath, and there were tears in his eyes now, the shock of Saarebas’ death finally starting to settle in. He swallowed thickly, and desperately tried not to let the tears slip down his cheeks, looking away from his lover. If there was someone other than Aith, surely it was Stenn who would agree with him.

“I’m sorry…” he murmured, putting a hand to his face and trying to wipe away the tears from his glazed eyes. They continued to come, though.

Stenn shook his head, frowning. “Oh, Kaaras, don’t apologise.” He took the man’s hand and lowered it, only to see Kaaras lower his head and close his eyes, the tears being forced from his eyes. He pulled him into a careful embrace, and then he felt the smaller man’s sobs shake through his body.

Losing someone was never easy. Taali didn’t have a lot of sympathy, no, and she could have dealt with the situation better. But Stenn had to agree that they got their coin and the job was done. It had its losses, yes, but… they all knew the risks—including Kaaras.

Pulling him tight, Stenn moved his hands over Kaaras’ back, cooing to him softly. “I’m sorry, Kaaras. Taali should not be so rough, but you know her. She’s a ‘get the job done’ kind of woman. It’s nothing against you.”

Kaaras’ eyes clenched shut against the warmth of the other man’s chest and he pressed his face into the crook of his neck before he withdrew, tear stained eyes looking at the older man. “Don’t… don’t stick up for her. She knows what she is doing. She just doesn’t care.”

“That’s not true, Kaaras.” He put his hand to the man’s stubble-covered cheek, eyes caring and soft.

“Bullshit. You saw her just as well as I did back there. She didn’t even bat an eye at knowing someone died.” Kaaras wiped his face down and pushed the tears back. Not here, not like this. He would mourn when he could, but he wasn’t about to bring Stenn down with it, too.

“Maker’s breath, I… She’s still back there, Stenn. I… I have to get her body. I have to burn it.”

The Ferelden tradition, Stenn knew. Burning the bodies so they did not catch the Taint of the Blight. “What Taali said back there… about me saying some words. I can if you wish, Kaaras, I don’t mind.”

Kaaras shook his head, sniffing softly. “No… it’s… it’s alright.” He looked back up at the older man and offered him a sad smile. “It’s something Aith and I should do alone. Just… wait for me, please? I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” And he was still furious about Taali, but there was little he could do about that now. At least, she was out of his sight.

Stenn nodded, and he planted a kiss on the mage’s forehead. “I will wait up for you.”

With a soft sigh, Kaaras licked his lips and pulled his shoulders back, putting a brave face on. He needed to go and collect Aith, and then they’d travel back to where he’d moved Saarebas’ body. He should have carried it back with him, but it had been too risky. Now, the woman’s corpse sat alone, bloodied and gory. He’d at least do right by her, by saying a final goodbye and burning what remained.

*****

It was late by the time Kaaras got back in, and the tavern they were staying in had all but died down. There were some common folk who were still drinking, and Kaaras could smell the alcohol in his nostrils. It took every ounce of his strength in such a state of mind to just continue walking up the stairs. He desperately wanted a drink, but all his hard work would be for nothing. He couldn’t lose that tonight, too.

The smell of ash and burning was against his clothes. The scent of death, blood and gore. He needed a bath, urgently, and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to be back in Ferelden, home and away from this place. He wanted to be away from the Ralshokra and the city. Fuck, he hated the city so much! It was smoggy and reeked of plague illness and death, as well as drunkards. He missed the smell of hay and grass, the farm back home. But every day he was away from Ferelden was more coin he earned for his mother so she could still keep that farm.

Tugging his collar undone, the Vashoth pushed the door open to see Stenn laying on the bed, quill and a pot of ink there. He was writing a tale, he assumed. But even right now, Kaaras couldn’t deal with listening to such sweet and symbolic words. He was tired, so tired, and his eyes stung from what felt like a fountain of never ending tears, the salt drying on his lashes.

At the sight of his lover, Stenn leant up, putting his quill aside. “Did everything go alright?” he asked. “Do you wish to speak of it?”

Kaaras just shook his head. “It’s done… that’s… that’s all that matters right now.” He made his way over to the small desk inside the tiny room, the boards beneath him creaking as he did so. It wasn’t quite over, though. Kaaras had had time to think when he and Aith were there with what remained of Saarebas. They did more than just think, too.

He couldn’t be here anymore. He couldn’t work with the Ralshokra anymore. It hadn’t been the first time his ethical conscious had prodded him and he’d felt uneasy doing a job. Things were different in Ferelden, with Saarebas leading them. The jobs they did still meant hard work, but they weren’t… like this. Breaking the law wasn’t something Kaaras enjoyed doing, even if it was for coin. And while not all jobs were like that, he knew, there was still enough to make him feel uneasy, and unhappy. He wanted to be proud of his work, and here, he simply couldn’t.

Sensing the tension within the other man, Stenn pushed himself up from the bed and approached the younger qunari. “Kaaras, I know you’re going through the mourning stages, but–,”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Stenn blinked, trying to analyse the look across his lover’s face as one of confusion spread across his own.

“I… I can’t work with this company.” Kaaras swallowed thickly and folded his arms against his chest, his expression stern, but still hurting. The sound of his voice was more trying to convince himself than anyone else.

Stenn felt his brows furrow. Because Saarebas had died? Was it all because of that? “Kaaras, you’re grieving–,”

“No.” The Vashoth shook his head. “It’s not that, Stenn. It’s… it’s the way this company runs itself. Someone died today, someone close, and a part of this team, and Taali just shrugs it off like we mean nothing! Like life itself means nothing!”

His hands slapped back down to his sides. “You’ve been here longer than I have. Don’t you see how that’s not alright? It wouldn’t have mattered if it were someone else, and it’s not just because Saarebas was my mentor,” although that was pretty serious, considering, “I am here to make a difference, to try and better this world. How am I doing that when people are dying?”

Stenn shook his head, putting a hand to Kaaras’ shoulder. “Bad things happen, Kaaras, you can’t save everyone. You know this,” he explained. “You’re upset, and you are hurting, and I understand that, but please take a moment to listen to yourself. What you are saying. You’d give up your work here, because something bad happened? Because we lost one man.”

One man? That woman was his family! And Stenn was…

Kaaras’ brows arched as he watched the expression form across his lover’s visage. How did Stenn not understand, because what he was saying was simply that he was upset because someone died. That someone wasn’t just a someone to him! And that someone could have been any other man or woman in this company and he’d still feel the same! And they should be mourning! People weren’t just items that got slashed to pieces every damn day, they were people!. Real, living people!

“And you’d stay? Knowing that your captain is a heartless, greedy, coin mongering bitch?” he asked.

The expression on Stenn’s face hardened at the name calling. “Kaaras, that’s uncalled for.”

“No, you sticking up for her is uncalled for!” He shook his head in disbelief. “Because that’s what she is. She doesn’t care for anything other than her coin! And perhaps it’s unfair for me to call her a bitch, but you stand there and tell me she isn’t. Because every mission we go on, she’s always been up her arse over it. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t care who gets injured, so long as the job is done. I will not stand by when coin becomes more important than people’s wellbeing!”

The older man’s frown didn’t disappear. “This is how we’ve always done it in the Ralshokra, Kaaras, and when you joined, you knew what was at stake. I am sorry that Saarebas didn’t make it, but you are acting like a child.”

Kaaras’ ears pricked back and his jaw grew tight. So he was a child because he cared? Because he didn’t want to be part of a group that was fine with their members dying off so long as a job got done and coin went in their pockets?

To say he was disappointed was quite the understatement. He was pissed off and hurt, and even more, he felt betrayed that Stenn could stand there and call him a child for his compassion. He knew that his temper could get the better of him at times; he also knew that his moods made him hard to be around. But he would never take back the fact that he cared about people more than the weight of his coin purse.

Stubborn til the end, he stood his ground. “I have made my choice, Stenn. I’m leaving tonight. Aith and I, and a few others who have agreed with me.” Which was why he’d taken so long to get back tonight. He’d spoken to a few of the other members of the company, and they agreed that they could no longer take part in the group’s activity.

A few others? Stenn’s expression turned to concern, but he was just as stubborn. Kaaras was still young, and highly emotional. He had gotten better now that he was off the hooch, but even then, the man was exceptionally emotional at times. He’d come back, surely. Once the morning came around, all of this would blow over. Kaaras, after all, needed the coin, despite his caring nature. He was also (usually) a reasonable man.

“Kaaras, I can’t stop you from leaving, but please sleep on this. What you are saying is… unreasonable.” He chose his words carefully, not to stir the other up again. “Taali may not be the most tender of leaders, but you can’t deny that she does get the job done, and that that work has made you wealthy in your stay here. What do you expect? For her to beg for you and the others to come back? Begging is not in her nature.”

“No,” Kaaras stated calmly, but still blunt in tone. “I don’t expect anything, Stenn. I already said I have made my decision. We are leaving come morn, and you are welcome to come with us.” Part of him wanted to beg that the older man would come with him. Was he foolish to expect his lover to follow him? Perhaps. But this was not his choice to make. He’d already made his, and he was leaving. If Stenn wanted to stay (and he hoped he did not), then there was little he could do.

What was he saying? Stenn took a breath and tried to make sense of it all. Damnit, the man was stubborn! But he couldn’t just up and leave. Unlike Kaaras, this was his life, and it had been for years now. He couldn’t just stand there and give it all up because Kaaras was being stubborn and throwing a tantrum.

Putting a hand to his forehead, he looked back at the ruby eyes. They were clearly waiting for an answer. Stenn had none. For once in his life, he didn’t know what to say. No poem or ballad could get him out of this.

Kaaras saw it, though, and he felt his chest clench tight before his heart fell to his very bowels. “You don’t need to say it,” he commented, “your silence and hesitation is enough.” Stenn wanted to stay.

When Kaaras turned to grab his things, Stenn pulled his arm back. “Wait, Kaaras, please reconsider.”

“There is nothing to reconsider. It’s done… We’re… we’re done.” And it burned to say it, and his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as the words escaped his mouth. The anger from his expression was gone, morphed into something else. But he couldn’t stay here, and if Stenn couldn’t come then that was it. The both of them were simply too hung in their ways.

“Don’t do this, Kaaras. We can work something out. Let me talk to Taali for you, she might listen to me, I’ve known her longer,” he tried to explain. Damnit, the man didn’t have to leave! And yet, it seemed that this had been something Kaaras had been considering for quite some time. Maybe this was just the thing that pushed him off the precipice.

“And what? Have her ignore you, or worse, lie to you? Nothing will change, Stenn. You said it yourself, you’ve known her longer. Look me in the eyes and tell me that it will change, that she will change.” When the other man said nothing, Kaaras just nodded. That was his answer once more, Stenn couldn’t tell him anything else, nor could he convince him that things would be different. He needed out.

“Taali and I are too different, and that—that’s fine. I’m not asking for her to roll over, and I’m not about to mutiny against her. This is her company, Stenn. Not mine. But I can no longer work for her, and that is my choice. Just as it is yours to stay here.”

There was silence between them for a moment, and Stenn tried to think of something he could say that would make Kaaras change his mind. Nothing came, though…

“I’ll write to you… We can meet up, catch up with one another.”

That only stung more. Kaaras couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it to himself and he couldn’t do it to Stenn. If he’d not cried all the tears his body was capable of producing when they burned Saarebas, then he’d be crying this second. But he also didn’t want to, he didn’t want to make Stenn feel guilty, he didn’t want to manipulate him, he didn’t want any of this! But he had to do something.

Closing his trunk, he stood back up and turned to the man he’d almost said he loved on so many occasions, and the words still lingered there at the tip of his very tongue. They wanted to come out so badly, he wanted to tell the man that he loved him. If he said it now, though… that was only cruel. Cruel to the both of them.

“Thank you,” he said instead, his eyes raw and tired, but honest. “For everything you ever did for me, Stenn. You helped me more than anyone in this world has, and I will never forget that.” Before he broke down there and then, he opened the door and made his way out of the room as quickly as he could. If Stenn tried to stop him, he didn’t know what he’d do, and he couldn’t afford it right now.

He was wrong, there were still tears there, and they were quick to blur his vision as he made his way down the stairs. When he got outside, he pressed his back to the wooden wall and sunk to the floor in a crouch, his hands covering his face. Why’d he do it? Why’d he say goodbye? Fuck, he didn’t even say goodbye! But he couldn’t stay here anymore, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t work like this, and it wasn’t just him either. He had to look after his sister. If Taali ended up putting her on a mission and she got herself killed… He’d never forgive himself. The only reason Aith was here was because of him.

This was the right choice. He knew it, Aith knew it, and the others who agreed knew it, too. Taali was restless, brash in thinking and eventually she’d get everyone killed, including herself! And as much as it hurt to do what he just did, he could no longer stay. And it was clear that Stenn couldn’t go with him.

Drawing his scarf up around his face, he wiped his eyes with it, the scent of the other man still clinging to it from their time shared together. There was nothing he could do now, though, but move forward.

Taking a deep and controlled breath, he pushed himself back up, swallowing and wiping his face. He’d not forget the nights spent of passion with him, the soft words and even softer kisses. He’d not forget the nightmares and shakes he suffered, sweating while detoxing from alcohol and feeling utterly useless while Stenn encouraged and supported him every step of the way.

He had become a better man because of Stenn, and he would never, ever stop thanking him for that. But he also had to keep being that better person, and staying here… he could not achieve that. It didn’t matter how much his heart ached right now, from two losses this night, he had a family to protect, to care for and look after, and that included himself.

Gathering himself, he took his trunk and headed towards the meeting spot they’d previously spoken of. It would be empty now, but he couldn’t return to the tavern. He’d wait for morning to come, and a new day would dawn. A new life for him also. It hurt now, but in due time, Kaaras knew that the pain would make him stronger, and that it was time to run his own life.

#My art #My fics #Kaaras Adaar #Stenn #Every Heartbeat #Ralshokra #Aith #Taali #cw: alcohol mention #Kaaras x Stenn #// Reminder that there is a BIG difference of who Kaaras was when he was younger to the man he is now

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kaaras-adaar · 3 years

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Kaaras and Alcohol

// Kaaras is a recovering alcoholic.

While it’s not something a lot of people know about him (because it’s not something one brings up at a dinner table really), there may be some telltale signs for those observant enough. Both Leliana and Bull are aware of his previous addiction, and not entirely because he disclosed it. He turns down alcohol whenever he can, and simply says he and alcohol don’t agree (which is enough for some people to understand he’s had an abusive relationship with it before).

I’ve mentioned it before, he often drank to drown out the self loathing he suffered and the guilt of what had happened to his father. He was in a bad state mentally when he was a young teenager, but because he wasn’t coping with it healthily, once he began working as a mercenary, he often drank himself to sleep, and sometimes into the beds of other people (more metas are on Kaaras and his sexual history in my tags).

His go to drinks were ales and hard liquors. Kaaras knew he had a problem, he just didn’t know how to properly cope with it until his sister had had enough of it and he was approached by his lover at the time, Stenn. There relationship bloomed because of the help Kaaras gained from him, but Kaaras also went cold turkey and it was a NIGHTMARE for him when he got off the alcohol and suffered withdrawals. He had the shakes, he was physically in pain, he was sweating, couldn’t sleep, let alone perform his job. He was bedridden for at least three days because of it. It was ROUGH for him, but it was made all the better by the support that he had, both Aith and Stenn at his side.

Kaaras wasn’t perfect. He fell back on the wagon once, after he and Stenn broke up and he left to work in Starkhaven. Thankfully, he only drank a partial bottle before he threw it down the sink. He was emotionally in a tough place because he missed his lover, but the both of them were too stubborn and Kaaras couldn’t go back to that mercenary company. He just couldn’t. Because of their bad orders, his mentor had died, and he wasn’t going to tarnish himself with their reputation, plus, Kaaras’ moral compass just wouldn’t allow him.

To this day, Kaaras still suffers from time to time. Only does he drink when he feels he HAS to, which is risky considering his addiction, and he knows that, but it’s only ever during noble parties where he feels he would offend if he declined. Even then, he will ONLY drink red wine–not the kind of alcohol he had gone to in the past, and something that he does not entirely have a craving for. It’s still a risk (any alcohol is a risk when you’re an addict), but for Kaaras, it’s a safer option than anything else.

On bad days, he can still suffer shakes every now and again, or a headache, but that’s only if he’s had a glass of wine prior or he’s having a bad day emotionally which makes the craving set back in. Outside of that, however, he’s been very sober and good about it. He doesn’t mind if he has a partner that drinks, and he doesn’t crave it as much as he used to.

Because of the alcohol abuse, it has caused Kaaras to look older than he is. He’s only 29 when he’s titled Inquisitor, but he looks in his mid 30′s. It’s because of a hard life and alcohol abuse.

I wouldn’t consider Kaaras out of control when it comes to his cravings anymore, he’s learned a lot over the years and has matured greatly. He also understands the weight of drinking if he does. He was never a violent drunk, not even remotely rowdy, he merely used it as a way to feel numb from his negative feelings and a way to get courage to perform sexual acts with others.

Because he still drinks once in a blue moon (at social gatherings), he’s not the perfect example of someone being sober, but he’s also a lot more in control of himself than he used to be, because of that personal growth and maturity. It’s not a good thing, and no excuse really, considering he IS an alcoholic, but he is recovering still. It is RARE anyway, when he does not decline a drink that is offered, and most times, when he does take it, he holds it or sets it aside, not actually drinking it. He just doesn’t want to offend his host.

Kaaras isn’t exactly secretive about his past, it’s just not something he talks about if not prodded. If someone asked him why he doesn’t drink, he would be honest with them. Kaaras isn’t ashamed of his past, he believes everyone has the right to learn, grow and change. In fact, he is very proud of how far he’s come as an individual and the hurdles he’s overcome.

If anyone were to attack him on his past, he would not be upset. He knows his past was not great, but if he didn’t have that past, then he wouldn’t be the person he was today, and he is happy with his growth, he really is proud of how far he’s come and grown. No one can take that from him. No one. And if anyone did wish to ask him about it, he really doesn’t have anything to hide.

Kaaras’ addiction stemmed from a mental place which he is no longer in. Having that control makes him more confident even if he DOES have that little glass of wine, but he always tells himself just the one, and most times he doesn’t even drink the entire glass, he just takes a sip and sends it off if he can.

Either way, Kaaras is still a recovering alcoholic.

#Kaaras Adaar #ooc #Meta #Headcanons #cw: alcohol #Kaaras and alcohol #Stenn

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kaaras-adaar-a · 4 years

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Kaaras and Alcohol

// Kaaras is a recovering alcoholic.

I’ve made a lot of metas about Kaaras’ past and childhood and how he coped with the loss of his father and being away from home, so I won’t repeat myself there, but I’ve not made a proper meta about Kaaras’ alcoholism, so I wanted to.

As mentioned, he often drank to drown out the self loathing he suffered and the guilt of what had happened to his father. He was in a bad state mentally when he was a young teenager, but because he wasn’t coping with it healthily, once he began working as a mercenary, he often drank himself to sleep, and sometimes into the beds of other people (more metas are on Kaaras and his sexual history in my tags).

His go to drinks were ales and hard liquors. Kaaras knew he had a problem, he just didn’t know how to properly cope with it until his sister had had enough of it and he was approached by his (future) ex. There relationship bloomed because of the help Kaaras gained from him, but Kaaras also went cold turkey and it was a NIGHTMARE for him when he got off the alcohol and suffered withdrawals. He had the shakes, he was physically in pain, he was sweating, couldn’t sleep, let alone perform his job. He was bedridden for at least two days because of it. It was ROUGH for him, but it was made all the better by the support that he had, both Aith and Stenn at his side.

To this day, Kaaras still suffers from time to time. Only does he drink when he feels he HAS to, which is risky considering his addiction, and he knows that, but it’s only ever during noble parties where he feels he would offend if he declined. Even then, he will ONLY drink red wine--not the kind of alcohol he had gone to in the past, and something that he does not entirely have a craving for. It’s still a risk (any alcohol is a risk when you’re an addict), but for Kaaras, it’s a safer option than anything else.

Because of the alcohol abuse, it has caused Kaaras to look older than he is. He’s only 29 when he’s titled Inquisitor, but he looks in his 30′s. It’s because of a hard life and alcohol abuse.

Kaaras isn’t exactly secretive about his past, it’s just not something he talks about if not prodded. If someone asked him why he doesn’t drink, he would be honest with them. Kaaras isn’t ashamed of his past, he believes everyone has the right to learn, grown and change. In fact, he is very proud of how far he’s come as an individual and the hurdles hes overcome.

#Off the ram || ooc #Meta #Kaaras and Alcohol #cw: alcohol #Stenn

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kaaras-adaar-a · 4 years

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Have you had any relationships which ended messily? Whose fault was the break-up?

SEND ME INVASIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MUSE, AND SEE HOW THEY REACT.

“Messily? No... I wouldn’t call it messy,” he started. “We were simply... looking for different things. Moving in different directions. We had to make a choice, or... at least I had to make a choice. It was for the best, and we both knew that, even if it was painful.” Before Stenn, he had never been in a relationship, at least nothing remotely serious that had lasted more than a single night.

#IC #Kaaras Adaar #asks #reply #meme response #Inquisitive Inquisition #// I love these personal questions that bring up raw emotions :)))#// as for RP wise... lol yeah there's been a few Kaaras has ended for gross reasons #Anonymous #Stenn

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kaaras-adaar-a · 6 years

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Kaaras and doing “IT”

// Okay, so last night suddenly when I was meant to be sleeping, I had a pretty huge epiphany about why Kaaras never had actual sex until his Inquisition LI. Now, I know some people are like “he’s not a virgin since he’s had oral sex before” etc, etc, and it entirely depends on one’s own opinion on the matter. For Kaaras (specific--you needn’t agree with his personal opinion on himself), he’s never gone the full way before his Inquisiton LI. This means he’s never had penetrative sex (he’s never put his peenor in another man or woman and he’s never had a peenor inside him). That’s what Kaaras has come to terms with. He’s never had his penetrative cherry popped, thus he calls himself a somewhat virgin.

Now, while Kaaras IS religious (he’s Andrastian), he’s not a virgin (I’m going to call him a virgin just to make it easier for me to write/you to read) because of religious beliefs. It’s actually not even that at ALL.

Kaaras hasn’t gone the whole way for MANY reasons. The main one that I found out last night was because his experience with sex had always been while he was drunk.

Kaaras hasn’t had a caring, compassionate moment of sex until he was with his ex boyfriend, Stenn.

For Kaaras, pleasure was a way of him to cope with the self guilt and loathing that he suffered after the death of his father. His father died when he was 12, having just entered the more sexual part of his teenage years. Living on a farm away from most of the world, it wasn’t like Kaaras had anyone to go and sleep with. All of his sexual experiences with other people started on his travels, as did the alcohol.

Since Kaaras was 18, he’s been travelling Ferelden and the Free Marches. Kaaras coped with being away from home, his severe depression and everything else via alcohol. He is an alcoholic. That’s important to remember. While he’s a recovering one and has been off most grog since he was with Stenn, all of those sexual experiences prior were drunk, in dark alleyways or taverns and places where Kaaras had never considered himself to be truly vulnerable before someone he cared about.

Sex is something that is incredibly important to Kaaras when it comes to being intimate with someone. He’s a very physical person. But when it comes to doing IT with the person he has feelings for... it terrifies him.

While Stenn helped him get off alcohol and Kaaras grew into a much better, healthier person through their blossoming romance, they never had sex. Kaaras learned a LOT about himself physically and pleasurably via Stenn, but they still never managed to have sex. It wasn’t because Stenn wasn’t the right person, it wasn’t because he was holding himself off for a special moment of sorts, it’s just Kaaras never got there MENTALLY.

It took YEARS with Stenn (they dated for a good couple of years) for Kaaras to get somewhat comfortable with sexual activity while not drunk. Without the alcohol, Kaaras had nothing to use as a crutch to push away the anxieties. He had nothing to take away how EXPOSED and vulnerable he felt before another person in such a situation. He was embarrassed, shy, scared--all of it. It horrified him to a point where he couldn’t quite do it yet, and the moment they DID attempt to have sex, someone disturbed them before it could happen, and it made Kaaras close up all over again.

If you’re a long term Rper, you’d know that if Kaaras is ready to expose something and then closes up again, it takes AGES for him to try and open up again. It’s just the person he is.

Kaaras became comfortable with giving his lover’s pleasure, whether it be on his knees with oral or giving them hand jobs. He learned to pleasure people with anything other than his own cock, and with skill I might add. He’s very good at it. But when it comes to sex? The full way? Kaaras crumbles. He’s awkward, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s downright vulnerable and exposed to his lover.

This is why it needs to be someone he can trust who won’t judge him. This is why it also takes longer with some LI’s than other’s while Rping. This is why Bull, in game, is the PERFECT match for him (along with many other reasons why they work so well). Bull could lead him, as many of your muses are able to lead him in the bedroom to feeling more confident.

This is a HUGE moment for him. It’s not the same as being drunk and being in the DARK, fumbling about and not giving a damn what happens because you don’t have the same clarity when sober.

When he sleeps with his LI’s in Inquisition, it’s not tucked away in the back of some seedy tavern. It’s in a light, exposed, open room. It might be night, but there’s candles lit up in the room, it may as well be daytime for Kaaras. His LI is going to SEE HIM. Not just physically, but mentally. He feels so utterly exposed, he needs to know that that is OKAY.

This is such a huge, significant moment for him AND your muse, because if this happens, it means he’s learned to be comfortable with your muse, that he trusts that they aren’t going to use this against him in some kind of way. That he feels COMFORTABLE being so exposed and naked and ready to absolutely make a fool of himself and fail miserably--and that it’s OKAY to do so.

No, he’s not experienced in sex, despite how well he can perform oral and hands on action. When it comes to sex, being so vulnerable, being so open and intimate, he never wants to risk the thought of hurting his lover, or causing them discomfort. His insecurities eat him ALIVE at times, which is why he meets this huge, brick walls that he can’t climb over.

This is the main reasons, I’ve come to learn, why it’s taken him so damn long to have sex with someone else other than just oral and hands. This is a big moment of FEAR for him. He doesn’t want to hurt a lover (especially if they are smaller than him considering he knows their size difference and that’s another thing that makes him worry), he doesn’t want to make it awkward for them, and he doesn’t want to disappoint them. He wants this experience to be shared and a positive one. He’s had so many negative sexual experiences, so many that he can’t always remember well, that he knows he will remember this moment for the rest of his life since he’s sober. He doesn’t want to fuck that up.

#Kaaras Adaar #Headcanons #Kaaras and sex #Kaaras and doing it #Kaaras and doing the do #cw: alcohol #Meta #Stenn

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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// Kaaras had a relapse when he was in Starkhaven after he broke up with Stenn. I really need to write out the scene because he DOES end up tossing most of it down the sink, but he still takes a few drinks as well.

#Kaaras Adaar #my art #cw: alcohol

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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Kaaras and PGAD/PSAS

// I know I’ve written a little bit about Kaaras’ condition, but I would like to go more in depth considering my previous posts may not give enough full information, and it is a condition that isn’t widely known. So, this isn’t going to go under a cut because it’s all medical, and nothing I’m going to hide away. So if you’re not interested, then please scroll past this very long post :)

So, what is PSAS/PGAD?

PSAS stands for: Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. It also goes by Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD). In terms of what this is, it’s a disorder that has not actually been medically researched enough to know the reasons WHY it happens in people. It is more common in females than it is men, however. Most researchers have come down to it being a nerve thing where communication goes wrong and is stimulated in the genital region.

A quick Google search will give you pretty much the basics of what the disorder is. I’m going to concentrate on what this means for Kaaras and what he suffers from this disorder as very much differs from person to person.

Kaaras has NOT had this condition his whole life. It started when he reached his more prime years of puberty (around the age of 16-17). It also doesn’t mean he’ll have the condition forever either. There’s no way of actually telling if or when it might disappear with him. It may never. I’ll never know until the time comes.

What it does mean for Kaaras is a number of things. First off, he is aware that he’s ‘sensitive’. Like I said, he never had this condition from birth. PGAD can strike during a number of times, puberty, hormone therapies and treatments, or nerve damage, etc. For Kaaras, this hit during puberty. His hormone levels are not the most average and they are a little unstable, even as an adult, which could explain some of his severe mood swings (along with every day reasons). The point is, Kaaras’ hormone levels are not regular, at least not that of a healthy 29 year old male.

Physically, for Kaaras, this means a number of things. And I will cover mental struggles he has down below as well, because those are JUST as important as the physical struggles he deals with.

Kaaras has frequent erections and multiple times a day. This in no way means he wants sex. It in no way means he’s even turned on. Arousal doesn’t always mean he’s stiff either, or even got an erection. It’s simply that his penis is stimulated. Masturbation does soothe this, at least for a period of time. Generally, if not stimulated again purposely, it might take an hour or a couple of hours for his condition to flare up again.

Kaaras doesn’t masturbate every time he has a flare up, though. A lot of the time he just tries to ignore it. However, there’s only so much that can be ignored. Constant arousal causes every day life to be very hard to deal with. His concentration will be lacking, his frustration levels will rise quickly, and you might see him getting moody. Constant arousal can make the SIMPLEST of tasks become tedious. Some days are not as bad as others, but those bad days are VERY bad days for Kaaras. What makes this even harder is it’s something he can’t just tell people. Not just because he’s a private person (although he very much is), but because this is a condition that isn’t very recognised in TODAY’S world, let alone the world and time of Thedas. On top of being a qunari and a mage, he really doesn’t need people to think he’s a complete pervert as well.

The only people that are aware of his condition is his company healer and he’ll tell are his LI when the time comes. For Kaaras, he’s only been in ONE romantic relationship. Having PGAD makes it difficult. He is constantly worrying and worries that being in a romantic relationship will be a disaster because of his problem. He thinks people will assume he’s always horny and just wants sex when he doesn’t. He also worries that an active sex life will be PAINFUL.

His condition absolutely causes pain. Getting multiple erections a day is tiring. Even more so, masturbating can become awfully painful for him after a while because he’s causing so much friction to a very sensitive area of his body. It has taken him a long time to realise that sexual pleasure isn’t always frustrating and painful, and that is thanks to Stenn (his former lover). Kaaras did ‘sleep’ around with many people as a growing young man, but it was one night only and that was it. It was easier that way for him to not think about all the embarrassing things his condition would do to a potential lover. Stenn was the first person he ever talked to about it in more depth and explored a sexual relationship more with him. Though they never had penetrative sex, Stenn was very respectful of his condition and did help him when he was having a bad day.

Unfortunately, Kaaras IS a very physical lover. Touch is important to him. But it’s why his lovers and the people he likes are generally the only ones he allows and likes to touch him. Before Stenn, touching was… a hassle. Not EVERY touch will set Kaaras off, but there is still the risk. Vibrations are the worst for Kaaras. Things like riding a horse or in a carriage are very difficult, but he’s had to work through that a lot, and in some instances, he may ejaculate in his pants. Years of living with this condition have helped him be more subtle about his suffering and his orgasms in public. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, it’s awful, and takes a lot of self control.

This is why sex and masturbation are times he lets himself go. Most of his LI will know he’s rather vocal, especially as a bottom. These are the times he can finally give into the pleasure of his orgasms and not have to hide it all away. Even then, it’ll take time for him to be vocal with fresh lovers because he’s just a shy person. What other people feel during sex, Kaaras feels sometimes tenfold no thanks to the simplest touches causing serious stimulation to his body. His orgasms are not just a small, little spasm, they can take over his body if he lets them. He’s really had to master self control over the years.

Unfortunately, there is no cure for this disorder. However, there are a few things, especially in a Thedasian world that might be able to help. There are some herbs (especially in Thedas), He drinks certain teas during the days which are equivalents to soothing agents for sexual arousal, almost suppressants in a sense. But even then, it’s not going to make the condition disappear. It’s not a cure, it’s merely a way to be able to handle the condition a bit better during day to day life.

Kaaras deals with this problem privately, and tries very hard not to make it disrupt his every day life–especially his working life. However, there are times where it becomes a bit too much, and there are absolutely times he will need a ‘time out’ to go and deal with the arousal. Being a physical lover is simply something he knows is a sacrifice he’s got to make, and he is willing. Because the way he sees it, is that his problems are not his lovers, and he wants a physical connection as much as a mental one with them.

But LI will need to be aware of his condition, and the symptoms that come with it. Kaaras isn’t just a horn dog. He’s got a very real condition. Simple touches can cause instantaneous orgasms. He will never last long in the bedroom, he simply can’t. Not unless he’s already had a previous orgasm prior (or the teas are still in his system). His moods can very well be because he’s so sexually frustrated and aroused. He will get public erections (and he wears tighter pants and underwear so his erection is less obvious in his pants, he’s also come to terms with having to tuck himself between his legs if possible). Morning wood is an every day thing for Kaaras, and in no way means he wants sex in the morning. Sometimes he just needs his personal space. Clinging to him can become a mental and a physical struggle. If he doesn’t want to talk about his condition, then don’t force him. It’s embarrassing for him, and most of all it’s overall something he is not happy he struggles with.

Most importantly, respect that he has a legit condition. I did not “give” this condition to Kaaras as some cheap and easy way to write smut with people. This is something Kaaras has ALWAYS had and struggled with, and I learned more and more as time went on with him, and I will treat it as the disorder that it is. No, I will not make it known he has an erection in EVERY thread. His life does not revolve around his stimulation, but know that there will be certain reactions from Kaaras that may be tied back to this very reason. It is not something I’m going to just throw away, and this is WHY Kaaras is an 18+ (21+ with smut) blog. I will treat this as the medical condition it is, not some cheap and perverted way to get in your muses or Kaaras’ pants.

#ooc #Meta #Headcanons #PGAD #PSAS #Kaaras and PSAS

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kaaras-adaar · 3 years

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Kaaras and Physical Touch

I wanted to go into more depths about Kaaras and physical touch with him. From previous headcanons (about his PSAS and others), I’ve lightly touched upon touch (see what I did there?) and what it’s like for Kaaras and the struggles that he has with it.

First of all, I want to say: Kaaras is an exceptionally physical being. He thinks that physical touch is pretty important and makes him feel closer to someone. The closer he is, the more he’s willing to touch people, that means from friendly hugs to intimate kisses and touches with lovers. However, there was a large part of Kaaras’ life where he struggled no thanks to his sensitivities and condition. But he can also have those episodes now, especially with people he’s not close to.

In short, Kaaras is the kind of person that if you’re friends (or lovers) with him, you can generally get away with touching him, and he might even crave it, but if you’re a stranger, don’t touch him at all. It will make him uncomfortable. Kaaras isn’t an impolite person, however, so even if a stranger does end up touching him, he might just stiffen and get awkward, he’s not likely to pull away and say don’t touch me (unless they’re in a hostile conversation, etc).

With Kaaras’ OCD on top of his PSAS, it makes for a bad combination, especially when he has flare ups.

For Kaaras, the idea of sex with another person became associated with pain and discomfort from quite a young age. Due to his PSAS/PGAD, it could make him uncomfortable on a good day, but top that off with being embarrassed and shy and worried that he might ejaculate publicly, he tried his best to pretty much avoid it. But deep down, Kaaras is still and will always be a physical person, things were just made difficult because of the medley of things that came with being touched: embarrassment, pain, awkwardness, lust, desire, shame, etc.

Of course, there was also a period of Kaaras’ life where he craved nothing but physical touch. His mental state was terrible, he relied on alcohol to make himself feel better and also drowned himself in flesh. This part of his life was a mess, and something that is its own meta post, I just want to remind people that Kaaras isn’t entirely innocent, and he has come from a struggling past.

It wasn’t until he met his ex lover, Stenn, that he became more of himself and grew a lot as a person, both mentally and physically. Kaaras stopped drinking (aside from a slip up here and there), and he also stopped sleeping around. He’d never had penetrative sex with anyone (and despite what others might think, Kaaras believes he kept himself pure for the right person via this AKA his virginity).

Taking things slow with Stenn was SUPER important, though, because it made Kaaras’ confidence in himself grow at a pace he could deal with, as well as his sexual dysfunctions. Touch was so important here, because for so many years (especially without the alcohol), he had associated it with being painful due to his PSAS and sensitivities, and he also didn’t want to be a bother to his lover. Kaaras NEVER wants to make his personal issues someone else’s (despite his years of darkness and drinking). He thought that his personal disabilities would affect his romantic relationships, so he was pretty much horrified to take that next step, even though he’s a romantic at heart and wanted love more than anything.

This relationship is SO detrimental to who Kaaras is today. Even if they ended up breaking up, Kaaras became such a better person because of this, he grew, he learnt, and Stenn was able to teach Kaaras so much about himself sexually, mentally and just overall physically. He began to open up more about himself, understand his body wasn’t disgusting and that his arousal wasn’t his fault or he wasn’t a creep or a pervert because of his reactions. Even if Kaaras still gets embarrassed and uncomfortable if he gets public erections, he’s learned how to cope with it on a mature level. He still has his off days here and there where he might be more over stimulated overall and a bit uptight and grumpy, but he also doesn’t make it anyone else’s problem and often just secludes himself until he feels better.

In the long run, though, Kaaras was confident in being physical again, in a friendly manner as well as a romantic one. He may still be shy, but he’s also a lot more confident than he used to be, and he’s willing to push past his own insecurities and problems so he can enjoy a romantic relationship. He often explains to his partner that he’s just sensitive, and he’ll never make it their problem. He’s accepted that he’s different, and no longer feels ashamed of his reactions if he can help it.

I think it’s also important to remember that Kaaras, overall, is a very independent person, so he DOES require his alone time as well. And it’s not because he’s not interested in being with his lover, it’s merely because he is very hypersensitive and his personal growth (especially after he and his ex broke up) meant that he needed to work on himself BY himself. He depended on himself to move past his faults and become a better person, so he’s really not used to talking about his problems with others. It can sometimes mean he comes off as distant, but he’s not meaning to, he’s just learning to cope by himself and does. :’D And even now, there are still moments where Kaaras can cringe if he’s being touched (even by a lover) if he’s having a bad day with being hypersensitive. Thankfully, over the years, he has learned how to deal with his conditions and doesn’t make it an issue with anyone, but there ARE still times that he has flare ups.

As a lover, though, you will find that Kaaras is an exceptionally physical person, because despite his conditions, he’s always been a physical person before it. It just meant struggling and trying to work through it after his conditions made themselves more present in his life.

Touch is very important, because it also means that Kaaras has become comfortable with someone. That he’s willing to even cause himself to have a reaction and doesn’t care that he might, because he doesn’t want to miss out on those moments. He doesn’t want to close himself off from the world anymore, he wants to experience every little thing he can, even if it causes pain. He WANTS to feel his lover, he wants to hold his friends, he wants to feel all of those NORMAL things, and be damned how his body reacts.

#Kaaras Adaar #Meta #Headcanons #Kaaras and physical touch #Kaaras and touch #PSAS #PGAD

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kaaras-adaar · 4 years

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general information.

full name - kaaras taashath adaar

class - mage ( force mage + knight enchanter )

race - qunari ( vashoth )

age - 29

date of birth - haring 4th, 9:12

place of birth - starkhaven

zodiac - sagittarius

gender - male

nationality - starkhaven / fereldan

religion - andrastian

orientation - pansexual / panromantic

relationship status - default: romanced the iron bull

physical attributes.

height - 2.0 metres ( 6'7″ )

weight - 205 kilos ( 452 lbs )

hair colour - butterscotch blonde

eye colour - red with orange freckles

accent - fereldan ( southern english )

voice claim - harry hadden-paton

tattoos - n/a

piercings - n/a

distinguishing marks - facial scars, long ears

outfit/clothing style - military, formal, practical

background information.

hometown - southron hills, ferelden

current residence - skyhold / ferelden

past residences - starkhaven, ferelden, free marches

spoken languages - common, qunlat ( intermediate )

occupation - inquisitor, mercenary captain

familial information.

mother - aban adaar ( alive and well )

father - anaan adaar ( deceased )

stepfather - kos ( alive and well )

siblings - aith ( adopted younger sister ), talan’ash ( half older brother )

children - n/a

personality.

positive traits - determined, giving

negative traits - stubborn, moody

moral alignment - lawful good

mbti - enfj - the protagonist

BIOGRAPHY.

Kaaras is a Vashoth Qunari from Ferelden, who was never brought up under the Qun. His parents left the Qun before he was born (knowing they were pregnant), and only told very little to their son of their origins under the strict religion.

With Tal'Vashoth parents, Kaaras was forced to move around a lot as a child, his parents fearing being hunted down by the Ben-Hassrath. When he was born in Starkhaven, they moved to Ferelden but a day after his birth, feeling they would be safer there and have more protection. Able to take an abandoned farmland as their own, his parents collected a few Ferelden rams and used the small amount of coin they gained from their coats to bring Kaaras up and live off. His father was able to gain extra coin here and there for doing odd jobs, but being in Ferelden, they were subject to heavy racism from the people.

At the age of five, Kaaras came into his magic, and they settled down in Southron Hills, wishing to find someone who may be able to help their son with his newfound gift. Having come into his magic via a public incident at the markets, a Tal'Vashoth mage by the name of Saarebas approached them, convincing them that their son needed to be trained unless he wished to be caught and re-educated or killed by the people. She offered her services to the family, knowing that they could not pay her, save for a roof over her head while she was in the area.

When Kaaras was ten, he ran into a young elven girl (only 7 years old) by the name of Aith from a Dalish clan in the Brecilian Forest. She was torn and beaten, so he took her back home to clean her up. His mother and father soon came home and agreed that she could stay with them until she recovered, having learned that she had been sexually assaulted by Templars on the road after her clan had kicked her out for being a mage. Aith soon became part of the family, though, and a sister to Kaaras. Unofficially, they adopted her and she took on the Adaar name.

At the age of twelve, Kaaras’ temporary home was attacked by bandits, and his father was killed trying to protect him, Aith and his mother. Kaaras became the man of the house, and was determined to hunt down the bandits who attacked his family.

For many years, he suffered serious night terrors due to the trauma and PTSD. Saarebas was the only one who could calm Kaaras down, and she soon saw his potential as a fighter. She offered him a position in the Ash Ataash mercenary group when he turned seventeen (Aith joined with him), where he could put his magic and focus to use.

With the group growing bigger, there were too little jobs in Ferelden, so Kaaras moved with the mercenary group to the Free Marches, where Saarebas' company came in contact with the Ralshokra, a qunari driven company who was more than happy to merge the company in with their own.

During his time with the Ralshokra, Kaaras met Stenn, another qunari who he soon fell in love with. Stenn was like the calm in a storm for the emotional hell that Kaaras suffered being away from his home and blaming himself for his father's death. They soon became a fairytale romance. However, when bad instructions and innocent lives were at stake, Kaaras' trust in the Ralshokra started to shatter. Saarebas died in this incident, and Kaaras decided to leave the company. Stenn stayed, and their relationship was strained, making them part.

Kaaras moved up to Starkhaven and started recruiting more men. He became the captain of the company and they settled there doing mercenary work for the next few years under the title of the Beres-taar (meaning ‘shield’). Kaaras devoted his life to this, to making better decisions, to letting go of his hate and unhappiness. This was his new goal.

Eventually, their name was known enough in Starkhaven that they were suggested to aid with protecting the Divine during the peace talks. Kaaras was asked specifically by reputation and having previously worked with the Prince of Starkhaven and nobles. Kaaras’ company themselves were not overly large, but they were hard workers who showed dedication to their jobs. Numbers was a must, however, so Kaaras was fine when he got the news that another band would be accompanying them--the Valo-Kas.

The Inquisition soon became Kaaras' new priority. During Inquisition, Kaaras learns that he has an older half-brother (from his father's side) named Talan'ash, who ends up betraying the Qun to find him. His mother eventually re-marries, much to Kaaras' dismay, to a Tal'Vashoth named Kos. After Haven, Aith returns home on Kaaras' request to take care of their mother, as Herald/Inquisitor could put her in danger. She helps raise the rams and keeps the farm up and running. She also reports to Kaaras as a middle man so letters are not sent directly home. She visits Skyhold when she can.

PERSONALITY.

Kaaras is a kindhearted and giving man. In many ways, he can be seen as a juxtaposition, enjoying the simple things of his farm-home upbringing to the fanciest of palaces from having worked with nobles. He is protective of the ones he loves, and a merciful enemy. Kaaras is a firm believer in justice and honour, and has the personality of a true knight, however, he can also become extremely moody and is very stubborn. As Inquisitor, he takes his profession seriously and is dedicated to making Thedas a better place and helping those he can.

WORLD STATE:

Previous World States:

Hero Of Ferelden - Lyna Mahariel (rogue) alive and well, romanced Zevran.

Champion of Kirkwall - Garrett Hawke (mage) alive and well, romanced Fenris

The Inquisitor’s Path:

- Recruited all available inner circle members - Recruited Mages of Redcliffe as allies - Recruited Alexius to work for the Inquisition - Saved everyone at the Fall of Haven - Accepted role as Inquisitor as a qunari standing for Thedas - Hawke survived the Fade/Stroud left behind - Recruited Warden’s as allies - Killed Erimond with own sword - Bribed Celene, Gaspard and Briala to work together/everyone lived - Arrested Florianne and had her work for the Inquisition - Recruited Dagna - Studied as Knight Enchanter - Recruited all agents available - Destroyed Samson’s armour - Had Samson under Cullen’s control for the Inquisition - Performed the Elven rituals - Morrigan drank from the Well - Met Mythal in The Fade with Kieran - Softened Leliana became Divine

The Inner Circle:

- Saved the Chargers - Romanced The Iron Bull - Reunited Dorian and his father - Gave the heart of a Snowy Wyvern to Vivienne - Shared cookies on the roof with Sera - Helped Solas free his friend - Cole was made more human - Blackwall served the Inquisition under Thom Ranier - Encouraged Cullen to stop taking lyrium - Elevated the Du Paraquettes

#Kaaras Adaar #Profile #mobile friendly #// Sorry this is late I'm just making a mobile friendly version because my links have broken on my nav page lol #The muse #Long post

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