#Kid me: absolutely convinced the creepy statue is going to come to life and kill me and delete my save and destroy the in game world

[phoenixcatch7]

Re totk: I have not been more terrified of a video game since I was less than ten years old and I am LOVING it. It's nostalgic how convinced I am that they're gonna get me.

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Exit Strategy (S2, E10)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:40 - Oh it’s Capshaw’s dream. Well. That’s upsetting. 

1:10 - .....she was performing surgery on herself?!!? WTF?

1:37 - The fact that Jessica broke into her adult child’s home to steal Martin memorabilia is hilarious to me. Also deeply upsetting. Because - dysfunctional. 

1:40 - “In my loft? Where I live?” hahahahahahaha sassy!Malcolm for the win! Also - there is something so so cute about the way Tom delivers this line. <3 It’s precious. 

1:46 - “I don’t always wake up screaming.” ....so historically we know this is true. Malcolm didn’t wake up screaming at the beginning of 1x15 when Eve was in his loft....but still... Malcolm’s mental health has been in tatters. I find it highly unlikely that he wouldn’t be waking up screaming. Especially since he was hallucinating last episode!!!!

1:55 - The Never. Ever. Room?!?!?! I’m shook. I’m amused. I’m horrified. I can’t believe that Jessica would let Malcolm keep that stuff in his loft. Why isn’t it locked up in a storage container or something? Jessica let Malcolm - the boy that Martin traumatized - sleep in the same building as all of Martin’s belongings?!?! Nah. Jessica is so overbearing .... I just don’t buy it. 

2:21 - “I am ignoring the Surgeon altogether.” Awww look at how proud Malcolm is to tell Jessica about his serial killer cleanse. He’s like, “I finally have news that will make Mom happy!!” <3 <3 Precious. 

2:36 - “He’s been calling. Non-stop.” annnnnnnd there’s are sad profiler. He’s putting on a good act for Jessica but he’s still clearly in a lot of emotional pain. 

3:15 - Really? The writers have Jessica riding the Brightwell train now? For real? I’m here for it but it feels kind of fast? Forced? Out of left field? I mean Jessica’s totally the type of mom who meddles in her kid’s love life (remember Eve?) but in the middle of the whole Ainsley-Endicott fiasco? Jessica should be more concerned about Malcolm’s mental state and less concerned with his relationship status. 

3:17 - Did Malcolm really just admit (sort of abstractly, but still) that he’s interested in Dani romantically? Doesn’t he realize that Jessica will try to interfere?!? He’s basically given her his blessing!!! 

3:25 - awwwww....the pic of baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley is so cute. <3

3:40 - UGH. I want to know more about that key and what it unlocks so badly!!!

3:46 - “Oh great. Detective Mom.” <3 I love it when he calls Jessica “Mom” instead of “Mother”. <3

4:36 - ......Mr.David and Martin have such an interesting dynamic. Martin listens to Mr. David without showing any signs of anger, resentment, or his usual psychopathic manipulation. Mr. David controls Martin much the way a parent controls their well-behaved child. I just find it so fascinating that Martin treats Mr. David with respect. That’s not Martin’s usual reaction when things don’t go his way.

5:00 - I’m so happy we keep getting more screen time with Hector. <3 This dude’s great. 

6:05 - soooo the fact that Jessica stabbed Daryl in the neck is probably going to inhibit Daryl’s ability to speak right? Making Daryl a useless source of information regarding the breakout?

6:24 - I love everything about this scene with Gil’s new car. I love that Malcolm’s “wow, the Coronet’s looking good.” is said with this little smile. As though Malcolm doesn’t really care about the car, but he knows mentioning it will make Gil happy. I love Gil’s rant about “No more Whitly’s around my car.” and Gil’s glare when JT asks about Tarmel’s around the car. I love Dani’s “boys and toys” line. UGh. It was just the little dose of found family that I craved. <3 BUT I do have one small complaint/concern. Gil. He said, “No more Whitly’s around my car.” Whitly’s. Why did he refer to Malcolm as a Whitly? 

6:54 - “Some major Japan-y vibes.”.....I’m sorry the word you’re looking for is “Japanese”?!?! Anyone else get super distracted by this line?!? 

7:56 - “Old people” HA. OMG. I love this so much. <3 <3

9:11 - As someone with severe social and general anxiety that has at times bordered on a form agoraphobia - Dani’s dismissive tone when she says “he’s afraid to leave the house.” hurts. Especially since it feels really out of character for Dani. She doesn’t usually dismiss people so quickly. Maybe there’s a story there? She had an agoraphobic family member? 

10:14 - “NYPD. Adjacent.” Why isn’t Malcolm a member of the NYPD yet? He trained with the FBI. He’s clearly capable of being employed as a detective for the NYPD. Is it because he doesn’t want to carry a gun? Is it because Gil doesn’t want Malcolm to carry a gun? Is it bureaucracy (probably)?

10:44 - Malcolm explaining why the antique pistol won’t fire is adorable. 

10:57 - This dude hasn’t left the house since March of 1997. Martin was arrested in 1998. Is this supposed to have some sort of double meaning? Like maybe Malcolm discovered that Martin was killing people in 1997 but the chloroform confused him for a while and he didn’t call the cops until 98′? Is this supposed to be a metaphor for the fact that Malcolm hasn’t been truly alive since 1997? He’s just been in survival mode - he hasn’t been living.

11:22 - “I’m not too good around people.” This dude is Malcolm. Malcolm lives in a state of constant fear and anxiety. Malcolm isn’t so good with relationships or casual human interactions. 

11:30 - It makes perfect sense to me that Dani is the detective that Malcolm brings in to talk to Gerald. Forget the Brightwell agenda. Gerald is a scared old man. JT and Gil are authoritative men (they’re teddy bears but they can also be scary). Dani is a woman. Women are typically seen as less of a threat. Though Dani could totally kick just about anyone’s ass. But it makes sense to me that a scared witness would feel more comfortable around the smaller female detective than the large male ones. 

12:03 - Ugh. I feel so bad for Gerald. The dude is clearly experiencing some sensory overload on top of his anxiety. :( 

12:15 - hahahaha the absolute best part of this little Brightwell moment is Gerald’s reaction. This old man just connected the dots and you can see it ALL over his face.  ....but also, it’s a really cute moment. <3

12:38 - “Too late if you ask me.” Is it just me or does Gerald seem protective of Rosalie here? Almost paternal? 

13:03 - “You still think like a grand master” Is this supposed to be an illusion to the way that Malcolm thinks about cases? He thinks like the killer in order to solve the case?

13:13 - WHY DOES MALCOLM KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT A CHESS LEGEND FROM THE 70s and 80s?!? Did baby!Malcolm have a chess phase? I want details.

13:22 - I love Gerald. He’s such a cute little old man. He’s scared but you can tell that he has a good heart and that he’s extremely smart. Look at how impressed he is with Malcolm. <3 He’s a lot like Malcolm. 

13:27 -”Memory was always my gift.” Memory is Gerald’s gift but it’s been Malcolm’s curse.

15:04 - Malcolm is so close to snapping. Look at this poor boy. He’s at the end of his rope. :( 

15:14 - “Looks like you got some sleep.” Awwww proud!Gil <3 

15:40 - “Agoraphobia often comes from trauma.” Yep. Malcolm identifies with Gerald. I wonder if Malcolm ever went through a period of agoraphobia? Maybe as a teen? 

15:48 - .....is this foreshadowing? When the truth about Endicott comes out is Malcolm going to be deemed an ‘unreliable witness’? Or maybe that’s how Ainsley is going to try and pin the murder on Malcolm?

15:58 - annnnnd we finally got a good shot of concerned!Gil. There’s no way that Gil isn’t reading between the lines here. He knows Malcolm identifies with Gerald and he knows Malcolm is having issues with his mental health, identity, and self-worth. SOMEONE CONFRONT HIM. WHERE IS THE MALCOLM INTERVENTION?!!?

16:20 - “Are you alright? Don’t answer that.”.....because Martin doesn’t actually care about Malcolm’s mental or physical health. Martin is a narcissist who has a story to tell. 

16:27 - “No. Me first.” I’m. So. Proud. Of. Malcolm. <3 <3 

16:56 - “That felt good.” :) Awwww... <3 I’m proud of Malcolm for this but Martin is totally going to hold it against him in later episodes. It’s going to fuel some sort of anger. Just wait for it. 

17:05 - Again. Mr. David acts like Martin’s dad. If Martin were 8 years old. 

17:40 - Chrisitan Brole is a treasure. His acting is incredible. Friar Pete is creepy, likeable, funny, and terrifying. Honestly. Give him an Emmy. 

20:00 - “*sigh* kid.” This breaks my heart. You can see Gil’s doubt and concern all over his face. He’s doubting Malcolm’s ability to make an accurate profile of Gerald because he knows how much Malcolm identifies and sympathizes with Gerald. He’s concerned about Malcolm because....I mean have you seen him lately? The boy is spiralling and it hurts to watch. But Gil is scared for Malcolm right now. Gil is now worried that the cases aren’t enough to distract Malcolm. That Malcolm can’t work on cases anymore. That Malcolm’s mental health has compromised his ability to work effectively. 

20:50 - “We’re friends. Partners” Listen to the longing in Malcolm’s voice when he says “partners”. He wants to be romantic partners with Dani - not just work partners. It’s obvious. This boy is an open book when it comes to how he feels about Dani. 

21:08 - “And she never will.” there is something about the way Tom delivers this line. How he sort of trips over the words. I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not but it works. It somehow makes it more raw and emotional. Malcolm wants so so badly to tell Dani how he feels but he’s convinced that he’s a monster. That she deserves someone more stable than him. Someone with less trauma. Malcolm is convinced that he’s not safe for anyone to love. Malcolm is convinced he’s going to snap and become Martin. 

21:17 - “Sounds lonely.” I love the way Malcolm immediately dismisses this as ‘tactical empathy’. Malcolm has accepted that he will be alone forever. He’s convinced himself he deserves it. I’m willing to bet that Malcolm rarely (if ever) actually feels lonely. Between coping mechanisms, hallucinations, and trauma - I doubt his mind is ever quiet enough for him to notice loneliness. 

21:27 - “You’ve spent your life mastering a game. I’ve spent mine mastering how people think.” .....ok but chess is basically about predicting your opponents moves and then Gerald graduated to people watching soooooo they’re really not that different. 

22:06 - I love this. I love how Malcolm turns on Gerald only for Gerald to emphatically explain how he lives through that window. Because - isn’t Malcolm the same? How many people have accused Malcolm of being a murderer when really he’s just a man who only feels alive when he’s solving murders and putting away killers?

22:50 - Rosalie helped Gerald much like Dani helps Malcolm. But Gerald couldn’t help Rosalie because he was trapped in his trauma. .....sooooo what’s going to happen to Dani? Or is this just supposed to be a reference to the fact that Dani can’t trust Malcolm because he’s keeping Endicott a secret and she knows something is up?

22:51 - ummmmm 60bpm??!?!? That’s a borderline athletic resting heart rate for a man in his 50s. There’s no way Martin’s in that great of shape. He’s trapped in his cell most of the day. 

24:28 - oooookkkkkayyyy so maybe Capshaw isn’t as smart as I thought she was. Martin is playing her like a fiddle. Although that dream sequence from the intro did make it seem like she was only interested in Martin because she craved medical power and respect. 

25:22 - Martin didn’t call Jessica his wife to screw with Capshaw. He genuinely still thinks of Jessica as his wife.....this is not good for the future. This tracks with the dreams Martin’s had throughout this season of going back home to his family. 

25:44 - Oh yeah. Jessica knows that woman is into Martin. 

26:41 - “Isn’t it obvious? It’s the key to my heart.” LMAO holy shit. 

26:56 - “I can tell when you’re lying.” “Not historically.”......Martin has a point. 

28:27 - This counts as my “someone confronts Malcolm about his mental health” bingo square for the episode right? 

28:35 - Look at Gil. He knows Malcolm is lying through his teeth and he’s so so tired of it. He looks so sad and annoyed. Gil loves Malcolm so much and he’s clearly concerned about Malcolm but I honestly think Gil just feels helpless right now. Malcolm is spiralling and Gil can’t help because Malcolm won’t open up. 

29:15 - “When she didn’t give up Clayton he killed her. Brave girl.”.....does this mean there’s going to be an attempt on someone’s life this season? Maybe Martin tries to kill Ainsley because she’s going to pin Endicott’s murder on Malcolm? Or Malcolm tries to kill Ainsley because she doesn’t give up Martin’s location? Or Ainsley/Martin try to kill Malcolm because he tries to come clean about everything?

29:26 - “If anyone can get through to this guy it’s you.” THANK YOU. Malcolm really needed that assurance. This dude is so full of negative emotions, self doubt, and pain. Every moment he feels supported, believed in, or loved is immensely treasured. 

30:26 - Oh Capshaw. You dumb dumb dumb woman. Look at Martin’s face. Capshaw has freed a monster. That’s Martin’s “I’m a raging serial killer” expression. 

30:29 - Holy shit. Look at how quickly Martin put the “I’m a harmless doctor” mask. In the span of about 1 second he went from killer to angel. Michael Sheen is incredible. 

31:04 - “You don’t have to be trapped in here.” It breaks my heart to hear Malcolm encourage Gerald to break free from his trauma when Malcolm is still a prisoner to his own. 

31:10 - “This is your next move” “No. It’s not”. THIS. This sums up anxiety disorders. Everyone tells you to ‘move on’ or ‘take a deep breath’. They all tell you that ‘everything will be fine’. They ask you ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen.” The problem: most people with anxiety disorders know the majority of their fears (or at least the severity of them) is irrational. Most people with anxiety disorders have tried therapy, drugs, coping mechanisms, breathing techniques, ect. Anxiety doesn’t go away because you want it to. Telling someone to move on - just makes it worse. Especially someone who has lived with severe anxiety so long that it feels like a crucial part of their personality. I’ve had a severe anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember - I don’t want to heal. I don’t know who I’d be without severe anxiety. I’m scared to find out. 

32:10 - “Family comes first”........soooo is Martin escaping to groom Ainsley for the family business (murder)? For Malcolm (to save him from Ainsley)? To protect Malcolm from a new Surgeon related skeleton (akin to Endicott)? WHY? 

32:33 - ahhhh Papa!Gil. I’ve missed you. 

33:25 - I have this headcannon that baby!Malcolm had pet rats at some point (he’d had snakes so I feel like rats would be in his wheelhouse). One day while Malcolm was at school the rats escaped from their cage and scared the crap out of Jessica. Jessica demands that the rats be removed from the home. That’s it. That’s the scene that plays in my head. 

33:39 -.....Jessica is wearing a ring on her left ring finger. Why? 

34:03 - “Jess it’s good to hear from you but -” They’re dating again now. Right? <3 

34:06 - “What?!” Fear and confusion. That’s the look on Gil’s face. We love to see it. 

 34:25 - “Martin is escaping.” Look at Gil’s face. He’s terrified. He’s staying calm and acting like he’s in control but this dude is terrified that the people he loves most in the world (Jessica and Malcolm) are in serious and immediate danger. 

34:50 - .....last I checked Malcolm was claustrophobic with specific closet-related trauma......

35:40 - “There’s only one play for a pawn.”.....does this mean Malcolm considers himself a pawn in Martin’s game? Disposable. Limited options. Replaceable. Of little worth? :( 

35:57 - “What would you know about it Judas.” Huh. Pete is pissed at Martin. Is it because Pete views Martin’s nasty relationship with Capshaw as a betrayal akin to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus?

36:36 - Jessica using her heels as a weapon is honestly such a mood. hahaha

36:54 - Poor Jessica. The moment she realizes that she’s trapped with a killer who not only hates Martin but also has an hallucinatory friend is haunting. This woman goes from terrified to petrified. But look at her poker face. She’s brave. She tries to talk her way out of it. She tries to think her way out of it. She’s like Malcolm.

37:42 - Jessica firmly telling Daryl not to take another step right before she stabs him in the neck with a high heel is everything. Listen to her terrified screaming. She can’t believe she just stabbed the man (even if it was self-defence). This woman did the impossible while scared to death. She is a badass. She’s my hero. I love her. 

38:12 - “All she had to do was tell me where my brother was. Except they were in love”.....does this mean Ainsley or Martin is going to try and kill Dani?

39:32 - “Don’t you think that’s what Rosalie would’ve wanted for you? This time make the right choice.” Wow. Malcolm is really metaphorically berating himself. What I heard was “Don’t you think Dani would want you to live without fear and guilt? This time - tell her your secret. Come clean. You’ll feel better.”

40:12 - ....so did Dani steal Gil’s keys or did he give them to her? Can we see how mad Gil is about this? Please? .....also the not-so-subtle “Dani is going to be a part of the Whitly family because she hurt Gil’s car” is not lost on me. I’m just more interested in Gil’s reaction to Dani hurting his baby. 

40:21 - “I see why you like her.” hahaha Gerald is all of us. Whether or not you ship Brightwell, you can’t deny that Dani is a badass and a good friend to Malcolm. That’s reason enough for Malcolm to like her - not necessarily in a romantic way. 

40:30 - Where the hell did Daryl go? If Jessica was trapped where did the man with a high heel in his neck go?!!?! 

40:33 - “It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.” <3 <3 The whump whore in me is in love. Forget Gillica. I’ll listen to Gil comforting a traumatized member of the team or Jessica any time, any day. <3 

40:50 - I have so many questions about this escape. Are the guys sticking together? If not - do they know where the other guys plan to go/do? Where will they be getting the post-escape change of clothes (you know the ones that aren’t property of Claremont)? 

40:55 - I’ll be honest, I’m shocked. They’ve been teasing Martin’s escape all season but I really thought he wasn’t going to escape until the finale. Now I’m so excited for the finale. If it’s not a Martin-Ainsley-Malcolm showdown or a Gil-Martin showdown I’m going to be sad. 

41:13. - Martin and Gerald both just took their first breath of fresh air as ‘free’ men after 23-24 years. The symmetry of this episode’s two main plot lines is more obvious than usual. 

41:44 - Look at Gerald being Malcolm’s wingman. hahaha it’s so cute. He’s self-appointed himself as Malcolm’s grandpa and I’m here for it. 

41:51 - REALLY MALCOLM?!!? YOU CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO A VOICEMAIL FROM THE SURGEON NOW?!?! #MORON

42:29 - Martin’s entire message for Malcolm is haunting. Even now, he’s trying to manipulate Malcolm. “I’m not the man I used to be”. I’ll promise you right now - Martin will be killing at least one person in the next 3 episodes. He’s addicted to killing. End of story. 

“I’m doing this for you” ....Is Martin going after Ainsley? I’m genuinely concerned that Martin thinks Ainsley is going to try and kill Malcolm or pin the Endicott murder on Malcolm. I think Martin caught wind of it and is planning on ‘taking care of the problem’ (Ainsley). 

42:35 - Look at Dani. She’s terrified. For Malcolm. For Gil. For New York. For herself. She knows how bad this is and she’s scared. 

42:44 - “You fath-. The Surgeon.” THIS. Dani realized that Malcolm doesn’t need to be reminded that his father is a serial killer. Dani realized that family is more than blood. The Surgeon escaped. Malcolm is in danger. But Malcolm’s father didn’t escape. Malcolm’s father has been dead since 1997/1998 when Malcolm found out he was a serial killer. 

42:55 - Malcolm. :( Look at our baby. :( He’s done. Absolute horror and terror. He looks like he’s going into shock. I honestly thought (*cough* hoped *cough*) he was going to pass out. THIS is what’s going to remove Malcolm as a suspect for ‘aiding/knowing that Martin was planning on escaping’. Same with Jessica. Ainsley doesn’t have a terror driven alibi though. At least - not that we’ve seen. 

AHHHHHHHH this was such an intense episode. I can’t wait for Tuesday. <3

If Malcolm doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to have a stress-induced breakdown for him. Seriously. 

 Thanks for hanging out. 

[shirtlesssammy]

14x12: Prophet and Loss

Then:

Drama llama Dean spent an entire afternoon in a workshop surrounded by half naked men, and now he’s gonna bury himself at the bottom of the sea.

Now:

We open with Dean in the ma’lak box at the bottom on the ocean.

It is uncomfortable to watch. I’ve had a lot of thoughts about Dean dreaming about being in the box. It’s a huge call back to 3x16/4x01 and him yelling for Sam and waking from Hell in his own coffin --the coffin Sam insisted he be buried in --the coffin that Cas, the naive angel that lacked the people skills to know not to just reconstitute him and leave him six feet under. This is as bad, if not worse, than Hell for Dean. Dean’s been very low in the past, but to listen to Death and admit that he doesn’t have free will over this situation? Gah.

It is just a dream though, albeit one that was so visceral, he woke to bloody fingernails and scratches on the motel wall. Sam, who’s also awake, tries talking to Dean about his plan.

For This is a Beautiful Shot Science:

Sam insists that there has to be another way. Dean sees no other option than to lock himself away with Michael for eternity. (Sidenote: I just saw this post come across my dash about Swan Song, and I’M DYING.)

Aaaaaand, it wouldn’t be Buckleming without some torture porn! A man has a woman tied up. He’s dumping salt in a vat of water. Oooh, maybe super crazy demon torture? J/K, just a regular girl who doesn’t deserve to die tortured. Sigh. He carves something into her arm and sends her into the water to drown. Positive Note: She’s fully clothed.

Nick’s in the hospital and and as soon as his leg heals, he’ll be spending a lot of time in jail. Nick’s playing the “devil made me do it” card. And he’s also crying silent tears. NOT BUYING WHAT YOU’RE SELLING, EUGENIE.

On the road, the brothers take a moment to further dissect Dean’s plan. Both Sam and Mary hate it. Cas and Jack don’t even know about it. Sam calls Cas --who clearly gets the newsletter Sam sends out to everyone. He knows.

Rowena and Cas have been on the case to extract Michael, but both have come up empty. Cas offers to speak with Dean. Sam doesn’t think that’ll matter.

Torture Man has a new victim! This time it’s a dude that he’s trussed and laid out on a plastic sheet. Torture Man utters warped Bible quotes while he slits the man’s throat. He then carves something into his chest. Oh man, I have a high capacity for violence on TV, but this WAS NOT COOL TO WATCH. Do. Not. Like. After carving up his victim, he hears whispers and says, “I am the Lord.”

On the road, Michael continues to scream and pound on the inside of Dean’s mind. And, guh, Dean pulls himself together and side-eyes Sam to see if he noticed. He didn’t. SAM. I mean, I get it, he’s doing what he can to stop Dean’s plan. And if Dean really wants to convince his brother this is the best idea, why worry if he sees you struggle?

Anyway, Dean jumps into talking about their childhood, and how he “wasn’t always the greatest brother” to Sam. Sam’s baffled as to where this is going. Dean was his constant family when they were kids. Sam recognizes that Dean was not just there for him as a brother, but he raised Sam. Dean continues, apologizing for siding with their dad, for trying to keep the peace. I AM LIVING FOR THIS CONVERSATION. Dean admits that John would send Dean away when he would get mad at Dean. And, like we know this, and I’m still crying? Sometimes I feel like while every episode adds to the story of Sam and Dean, they’re often forgotten or never mentioned again, so did they really happen? If I ended up in an alternate world where I was rich and famous, I’d think back and rehash the fun in that on occasion. In any event, 9x7 did happen, and it happened on multiple occasions. Sam makes it clear to Dean that he let all that go a long time ago, also please stop with the deathbed apologies. Kthxbye.

Nick outsmarts the cop guarding him and escapes from the hospital.

Sam’s found a case! A nice distraction from their Road Trip of Bad Decisions. They head to investigate.

They arrive at the home of the brother of the last victim.

I found this shot SO weird, but didn’t really think about it again until I saw @neven-ebrez post, and was glad someone put some thought into it. :D We’re kind of hit over the head with brother parallels here. Dean gets to hear what it might feel like for Sam when he’s gone. Sam explains that the graffiti carvings were really Enochian. 

The brother talks about a friend, Tony Alvarez, who was more into Bible quotes than the average Millenial.

A Story in Three Parts:

I mean, really. REALLY? Cas has no chill. He also has no filter and spills that he knows about Dean’s plan. At first I was like “oh Cas bby, no” but now I’m ok with it. It’s almost more painful to know that Cas knows about Dean’s plan when Dean doesn’t know about Cas’s deal. (And equally painful to think that Cas doesn’t think about his deal because he doesn’t see himself ever being happy.) (Natasha: curls up into an unhappy knot on the floor.)

Anyway, Dean doesn’t want to talk to Cas about his plan and jumps right into why he called. Does Cas recognise the name Tony Alvarez? Cas says that he’s in line to be a prophet. Dean cuts him off, awkwardly tells him it’s good to hear his voice, and hangs up. He instantly chastises Sam for spilling his secret. “Dean, it’s Cas. I had to tell him.” Sam and Cas are the best brothers-in-law. HUGS.

And if Tony is now a killer prophet, is Donatello dead? Dean checks in with Donatello’s doctor. He’s still around (brain dead and all, but not dead dead.)

Dean and Sam break into Tony’s home, which looks perfectly normal EXCEPT for a creepy office covered with Enochian writing and pinned up photos of victims. They realize that the killer is cycling through different biblical deaths.

Cut to the Sphinx Machine Shop, where a deranged Tony has strung up his next victim. He gets ready to burn him (and I’m just cringing in horror please stop). Fortunately, the Winchesters rush in just in time. Sam tackles Tony while Dean puts out the fire and saves the victim. Tony babbles that God was telling him to kill those people. He manages to get a hold of Dean’s gun and kills himself.

U G H

Anyway, just like that, the whole case is over.

They go over the case with Cas, who speculates that Donatello’s not-dead-yet status has somehow triggered a malformed line of prophets. The answer seems clear...they’ve got to kill off Donatello.

Nick breaks into his old house and flashes back to the trauma of his family’s deaths. (Somehow there’s still electrical service? I’m going to chalk that up to an overzealous realtor, perhaps.) The room ices over as the ghost of his dead wife, Sarah, manifests. He addresses her as...“Lucifer?” AWKWARD. Sarah, played by a jarringly different actress, tells Nick that she’s been a ghost...the whole damn time. She saw him get possessed by Lucifer and that is part of the unfinished business that keeps her tethered to Earth. There are some major you’re-cheating-on-me vibes coming from her.

“You wanted him,” she accuses him. “You still do,” she says, surprising absolutely nobody. Nick tells Sarah that he’s gonna go find Lucifer and he leaves her behind to be a super grumpy ghost for all eternity. Thanks, man.

At the Happy Daze nursing home (rly?) a doctor tells the Winchesters that pulling the plug on Donnie is the right choice. Dean practically smirks at Sam like, “SEE? The nice doctor is telling you to let me be tortured for all of eternity.” Cas meets them in the guise of a doctor.

Doctor Sexy: A visual story in three parts:

Sam heads off with the (real) doctor to see what sort of babbled “nonsense” Donnie’s been dealing. (I take a break to pedantically google the difference between brain death and vegetative states.) Dean gives Cas some serious side-eye and sass about checking up on Donatello, but Cas pulls him back. He explains that what he did to Donatello was necessary at the time, but he still regrets it. Dean attempts to commiserate and Cas spits out, “Please don’t compare this with your suicidal plan. Just STOP.” 

Dean pleads with Cas to support his decision. “This is goodbye?” Cas demands in response, and then SAM BURSTS IN. God DAMN it, Interrupting!Sam.

Ugh. MAN. Give Dean and Cas five freakin’ minutes to talk through their issues 2k19. (You know I love it AND I hate it, bbys.)

Anyway, the footage of Donatello shows him speaking Enochian. He’s muttering about striking down the first born of Egypt...he’s just spewing out the Word of God. Cas thinks Donatello’s mind is rebuilding itself and stumbling through old prophecies. (Me: passive-aggressively googles vegetative states again.)

They head into Donatello’s room where Cas, bless him, continues to show an utter lack of an appropriately scaled cover persona. He orders the real doctor out of the room with a cursory “Get out.”

While Sam and Dean wait for Cas to try his healing mojo, Dean flinches as he continues to struggle with Michael. Oh, Dean Bean.

They reunite with Cas just in time for Cas to have his breakthrough healing moment.

For Science

They turn off the life support machines and, after a brief jolt, Donatello pulls through. It’s a miracle! He’s probably not evil, right? I mean, the lack of soul will almost certainly steer him well. (Lord, we’re going to be stuck with this chicken-addicted prophet forever, aren’t we?) 

Donatello wants to know what happened and Dean slaps Cas on the shoulder and somewhat snarkily leaves the job to him. Dean. Bean.

Sam greets Dean back at the Impala with beer and misery. After the “win” of getting Donatello back, it’s time for them to head on home so Dean can lock himself into his torture box. Sam delivers an emotional speech about their shared experiences and accuses Dean that he’s checking out of the world too soon. “If you quit on us today, there will be no tomorrow.” Sam rails at Dean, begging him to give them all a chance to save him. “I believe in us,” Sam shouts and punches Dean in rage and pain. 

Reluctantly, Dean promises to go home with Sam and hold out for another option for as long as he can. Dean offers a contingency agreement: if they have no other choice in the future, then Sam and Cas have to let him go.

“Let’s go home,” Dean says to them both. Hooray! And...that should get to me but what really quietly wrecked me was Dean telling Sam quietly, “Don’t hit me again, okay?” before they all climbed into the car. Welcome, hello, my heart is now in a coffin at the bottom of the ocean.

After they all depart, the title card fades ominously to white. 

Everybody knows what makes Doctor Sexy sexy is his Quotes:

Well, the woman has a remarkable command of profanity.

If we could not have conversations that sound like deathbed apologies, I would really appreciate it.

Dean, it’s so good to hear from you.

Thank you, and it’s good to hear your voice.

“Doctor.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.”

Dean. If there’s a spark, a hope, then I have to try. You taught me that.

No rest for the self-destructive.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[anistarrose]

Some Sunny Day - Chapter 3: Keep Smiling Through (Gravity Falls Same Coin Theory)

Summary: We take a few steps back in time, and see exactly how Stan reached his present state.

Warnings: Nightmares, panic attacks, and a brief mention of suicidal ideation (not acted upon)

Previous / Next

The Beginning

(The Same Coin Theory is by @dubsdeedubs and @renmorris!)

Stan had Shooting Star and Pine Tree in his hand, and as desperately — pathetically — as they struggled to get free, his grip remained tight.

“Time’s up! I’ve got the kids!” he announced. He couldn’t remember who he was announcing it to — though he knew it was someone he was absolutely infuriated with. “I think I’m gonna KILL one of ‘em now, just for the heck of it!”

Stan raised Pine Tree and Shooting Star to his eye level.

“EENIE —”

Stan was shaking Pine Tree’s hand in the attic of Sixer’s old house. Puppets were strewn across the floor behind them. This was going to be a fun day! He was thinking he might end it all off at the water tower, maybe even try and get Shooting Star to join him for the big finish…

“MEENIE —”

Stan was deciding whether he wanted Dipper or Mabel to hang up the signs for the Mystery Shack. It would probably be better to have Dipper do it — the kid could use some physical labor to toughen him up…

“MINEE —”

At the moment, Stan was on Pine Tree. On the next beat, he would land on Shooting Star. He raised his other hand to snap his fingers, preparing to snuff out the human girl’s light, her boundless energy…

Her unwavering optimism… her love for everyone around her, no matter how terribly, how inexcusably they’d wronged her in the past...

What was he doing, he couldn’t bring an end to this light, couldn’t bring an end to this life —

“YOU!”

“Mabel!” Stan nearly leapt out of his bed.

It was a dream. It was just a dream. Oh, thank fuck, it was just a dream.

Already, he’d forgotten what the dream had been about. He’d forgotten why he’d been so relieved that it wasn’t real. He’d forgotten why he was crying, why he had choked out Mabel’s name, why he felt like like barricading himself in his room and never coming out. Was it out of fear? Guilt? Shame? All of the above?

I did this it was all my fault all my fault all my fault…

All he knew was that this hadn’t been the first nightmare of the month, or the week, or even the night — although it might have been one of the worst yet.

No, don’t think yet, that’s just asking for it to get worse…

He gathered the will to look at his alarm clock — 6:56 A.M. When was the last time he’d woken up, about four? He’d been taking a long time to fall asleep recently (hadn’t really wanted to fall asleep recently), so he might have been out for a little over two hours, if he’d been lucky.

Maybe that’s why I feel even more like shit than usual, he thought. Just my old friend sleep deprivation.

Deep down, he knew that wasn’t it.

He got off his bed, dragging a blanket with him, and sat in the cold, dusty corner of his recently constructed room. He really didn’t want to sit on that bed ever again. Every time he’d gone to sleep in it, he’d woken up feeling like someone had died, and like he’d been the one to kill them.

Maybe… he could find an excuse to spend the next night in his chair upstairs? Maybe there would be something decent on TV tonight, and he could claim he fell asleep while watching that. He wasn’t sure if it would help, but it couldn’t make things much worse, right?

He sat in the corner until his butt started to hurt, which at his age didn’t take very long, then slowly made his way to his nightstand and put on his glasses. His alarm clock hadn’t started ringing yet, but he smacked it preemptively — he didn’t feel like crying anymore, but he was still in a shitty mood. He wanted someone to blame, or at least to vent to.

He couldn’t talk to his family — they’d just worry about him. Hell, Ford was already doing that. Maybe he could just find some inanimate object to yell at…

Actually, he knew just where to find a certain statue that really deserved to be yelled at.

***

He exited the no-longer-secret passageway to the basement, walked to the kitchen on autopilot, and was confronted by two familiar children who addressed him so casually and happily that it stunned him.

“Morning, Grunkle Stan.”

“We all got up early to make glitter waffles! Do you wanna to help, since you’re up early too?”

Mabel was tugging his hand, but Stan didn’t move — was afraid to move.

Shooting Star Mabel was so bright, but so impermanent, her light so prone to burning out. So tiny and short-lived compared to the rest of the cosmos, just a snap of the fingers and her light would go out forever —

And there was Pine Tree Dipper, a bundle of brains and anxiety running off nothing but the hilariously easy to exploit desire for knowledge, and just as fragile as his sister, just as impermanent, just as easily broken by a fall off the water tower —

“Grunkle Stan, is something wrong?” Mabel was frowning at him.

Stan blinked a few times. Time, which had been moving like it would in a surreal dream, resumed as normal, but he still felt… horrible. Afraid. Guilty.

But if there was one thing Stanley Pines had always been good at, it was putting on a smile when he really didn’t feel like smiling.

“Waffles, you said? I’d better not be finding glitter in my waffle iron when you’re finished!” He had a faint headache, and blurry images superimposed themselves over his view of the kids.

“We’re not using your waffle iron!” Melody yelled from the kitchen. “Soos and I bought a new one last month!”

Dipper gave him a suspicious look. “You were really quiet for a second there. Is everything okay?”

Stan shrugged, which helped disguise how much he was shaking. “Just didn’t sleep too well. Probably ate too much last night or somethin’. I think I’m gonna go for a walk.” He had to get away, as far away as possible from the poor kids who didn’t deserve any of the things they’d gone through, didn’t deserve to be around someone like him. If he stayed, and something bad happened to them because of him, then how could he —

“You know, some Mabel Juice will wake you right up!” Mabel suggested. “I can whip you up a glass —”

“And so will the great outdoors,” Stan interrupted. “You know, nature! Natural things! Unlike that unholy abomination!”

Any other day Stan would have stuck around a little longer to watch as Mabel defended her concoction, but today he rushed out of the Shack as quickly as he could without arousing suspicion, grateful to have the excuse of fleeing from Mabel Juice.

“It’s just the kids,” he told himself. “You see them every day.”

He was still shaking a little, but the panic attack — he didn’t really know much about panic attacks, but he assumed it had been something like that — was fading. “They’re alive. You’re alive.”

A tiny voice in the back of his head added: you shouldn’t be.

He convinced himself he’d imagined it. “Everything’s fine. Everyone’s safe.”

But I’m not fine, he couldn’t help but think. What’s happening to me?

It must have all started with the nightmare, but he’d been recovering from it until he’d seen the kids and… and then what? He’d been terrified of them… no, terrified for them, it was himself he’d been terrified of.

The first night back in the Shack had been when the nightmares had started, hadn’t it? Was it all because he was back in Gravity Falls, the place where everyone’s lives had gone to shit either the past summer or half a lifetime earlier? (The place where he’d made so many mistakes, had nearly killed his family?)

Ford would probably caution that correlation didn’t equal causation, but take note of the link for further research — oh, fuck. What would Ford do if he learned what had happened?

Nightmares were horrible, but it was easy for Stan to hide the worst of them, to keep smiling through his exhaustion. Random panic attacks while he was awake and walking around were harder. Ford was already suspicious about Stan’s sleeping habits, but if he learned about the panic attack he’d worry so much, too much for his own good, just like he had back when Stan was still recovering from the memory gun. He’d give himself nightmares over…

Stan had to pretend to be alright, for his family’s sake. Or better yet, impossible as it seemed, figure out how to fix himself so he didn’t have to keep lying, keep putting on a fake smile, to make sure they stayed happy.

He made a fist. If all his issues really did trace back to Weirdmageddon… well, he knew who to blame. That was where he’d been going in the first place.

So he set off towards the Bill statue, hoping in the back of his mind that yelling his frustrations at it might help him somehow.

Even further in the back of his mind, a voice was telling him it was a horrible idea, that it would just raise questions he didn’t want to answer. But once again, he lied, this time to himself, and pretended it wasn’t there.

***

“So, Bill. You’ve fucked up a lot of shit for our family, haven’t you?”

Looking at the statue, Stan felt a vague sense that he was missing something obvious, like when you forget a word that’s on the tip of your tongue. But today, he barely even registered the feeling — that was how he’d always felt looking at Bill, back since finding the first of many creepy triangles in his brother’s house.

“I thought you might have finally been out of our lives once and for all,” he continued, “but that was a dumb thought. You don’t need to be alive to be hauntin’ our dreams.”

You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can’t enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in!

“You’re a real special type of asshole, Bill. But don’t think I’m gonna let you win, just ‘cause there’s nothing left to punch.” Stan figured that he could punch the statue, but that seemed like the kind of thing Bill would just laugh at.

Pain is hilarious!

“I’m not gonna let all the shit you pulled ruin my life. Nope. ‘Cause you’re just a dumb statue now, and we’re done with you.” Stan was starting to feel better — or at least convince himself that he was feeling better. “I mean, look at you. You’re still tryin’ to shake someone’s hand and make a deal, but you’re just gettin’ covered in bird shit.”

If there was anything that could improve Stan’s mood under any circumstances, it was mockery. He turned around to face the same way the statue faced, and held out his hand in the same pose as it.

“Look at me, I’m Bill Cipher! I died ‘cause I got punched by a pissed off elderly con man! Wanna make a deal with me, an even more ancient, bigger asshole of a con man?”

It took him a moment to notice it, but he felt a strange sensation in his right hand, like it had gone numb and couldn’t properly sense what he was touching. It was like he was feeling something that wasn’t fully real, that wasn’t meant to interact with the human senses…

When he sluggishly looked down to examine his hand, he could’t remember why he’d felt the need to do so. He didn’t notice anything wrong — there were just a few hypnotic, familiar blue flames flickering around his fingers.

If anything, he felt peaceful, more aware of his surroundings, with images and information passing through his senses too fast for him to process automatically but available to him if he chose to pay attention…

There were Pine Tree and Shooting Star, arguing about edible glitter…

There was Question Mark trying to coax Gompers off the roof…

Stan smiled. They were safe, happy, going about their days as normally as anyone could in Gravity Falls, and for some reason that made him incredibly relieved and glad.

And there was Sixer asking where Stan was, leaving the Shack to go find him — good old Sixer, never able to stop looking for the answers to every question even when the only way to get those answers was shaking a demon’s hand —

A deal with a demon…

Blue fire…

Stan collapsed to his knees, slowly but painfully torn out of his all-seeing trance like a bandage being ripped off skin by someone who lacked the willpower to do it quickly. All of the images and sounds faded away, leaving behind echoes that provided no decipherable information information he didn’t want to decipher.

Shuddering, he raised his hands once again, palms turned towards him. And for a moment, everything was as it should have been.

Then blue embers danced across his hands again, both of them this time.

“Fuck,” he choked out, but the word felt hollow. Fuck was for when one of his relatives did something stupid and almost died or for when someone figured out a secret Stan really couldn’t afford them knowing. Not for this. Not for Bill. There was no word strong enough for what was happening now — what had been happening for weeks now, he realized, because what else could the nightmares have been…

Stan desperately rubbed his hands in the damp grass — please go out please go out please go out — and mercifully, the flames did vanish. But not because the morning dew extinguished them, they’d disappeared too quickly for that to be the reason. They’d gone out because Stanley someone had willed them to go out — it was only a matter of time until that someone willed them to come back, and maybe took a bit more control of Stan’s body that time —

Had that been why he’d been able to see what was going on in the Shack? Was Bill trying to force Stan out of his body altogether, to take full control? If he could entirely possess Stan, what would he do to Ford and the —

Ford. Ford was coming to look for Stan right now. Ford, who’d almost been killed by Bill too many times to count — Stan couldn’t let Ford come near him, couldn’t let anyone in his family come near him, or Bill would… he didn’t even want to think about it.

He struggled to his feet. His body felt light, but everything else — his own racing thoughts, the robins chirping in the trees, the sunlight shining down on him — felt suffocatingly heavy, weighed down with urgency, corrupted by the knowledge that the beautiful morning was just the calm before the inevitable storm.

Fearing with every step that his body would betray him, Stan stumbled into the forest, frantically pushing aside branches and searching for a place where no one would find him. He wished he could trust himself enough to go warn someone, to give Ford some prior warning to prepare for another Weirdmageddon, but he didn’t have a phone and he couldn’t go back into town, couldn’t face the people there after everything he’d done risk Bill taking control there. His best bet was to get as far away as possible —

But he couldn’t risk leaving Gravity Falls, he realized. If Bill managed to escape the barrier that had contained Weirdmageddon… Stan didn’t know exactly how the barrier worked, but he guessed there was a good chance of a worldwide apocalypse — no, a galaxy-wide apocalypse if Bill was to leave it.

He stumbled into a clearing and leaned up against a lone birch tree. This couldn’t be happening, Ford had promised it wouldn’t and if anyone would know it would be Ford…

Maybe the fire had been a hallucination, caused by too many nights without enough sleep —

He cupped his hands together, and in his palms the flames appeared again, less intense but impossible to miss.

“Oh, no no no fuck go out —”

The flames vanished. Stan was horrified to realize that he was starting to get used to the feeling that came with them.

What if I’m controlling them, not Bill? he wondered, and before he had a chance to tell himself that the idea was ridiculous, they flared up again.

“Off,” he whispered, and they went out.

It might have been a while before he gathered the courage to choke out the next command.

“On.”

Again, he saw blue.

...Blame the arson for the fire…

Please let them go out again, he thought, and they disappeared.

Why is Bill letting me control them? Does he want me to let my guard down while he waits for a chance to take over? That’s got to be it, why else would…

Though there was another possibility, he knew, one that should have scared him less but for some reason scared him more. What if I’m in control because no one else is in my mind? What if there’s a different form a different time no Bill, no possession, and this is just… all me? All my power?

But that was impossible. He would have noticed it before now, right? He wouldn’t have gotten through sixty-two years of life not realizing he could set his hands on fire whenever he felt like it, only to finally figure it out while standing in front of a statue of a demon that could do the exact same thing.

And it wouldn’t have explained the nightmares, either… fuck, Ford had never really known about the nightmares, had he? He’d realized something was wrong, but Stan had refused to even acknowledge it, much less give Ford details…

Stan collapsed to the ground, back still up against the tree.

No wonder Ford hadn’t seen Bill’s return coming. Stan had been too damn stubborn to give him the whole story.

If Stan had just told him about the nightmares, Ford would have recognized what was happening, Stan was sure. Ford would have been able to come up with something to help before… before this happened.

Stan just hadn’t wanted his family to worry about him. But he’d doomed them all, hadn’t he? Bill was going to kill them and it would be all his fault…

He couldn’t do anything right — couldn’t tell what was wrong with him until it was too late, couldn’t kill a demon and have it stay dead, couldn’t protect his family from anything, even the consequences of his own mistakes.

And there wasn’t a single sacrifice he could make to save them this time — he didn’t know if offing himself would stop Bill or just speed up his return, but he might have been desperate enough to try it if he had a gun on him. Though of course, he didn’t. He didn’t have a single heroic choice or desperate gamble to make, didn’t have a single chance to do anything other than hide and pray to beings he’d never really believed in… and one being he’d never known what to think about.

Axolotl? he thought. If you’re out there, and you’re really the opposite of Bill like Ford thinks, can you please stop him? I don’t care what happens to me, just make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else…

He hadn’t been expecting a response, but the lack of one still drove him deeper into despair.

It’s all my fault. Dipper, Mabel, Sixer, I’m so sorry.

He let out a small sob, hiding his hands beneath his legs so he didn’t have to see them light up when the end of his time in control came, when the end of the world came.

He looked up to see an almost cloudless sky, which felt horribly wrong. The apocalypse was supposed to begin with a red-tinted sunset, or maybe a stormy gray evening. Not with some perfect sunny day.

A song lyric popped into his head, and for some reason he couldn’t help but whisper it.

“Keep smiling through, just like you always do, ‘til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away…”

Says he’s happy, he’s a liar. Blame the arson for the fire.

Lie until you’re not lying anymore.

Stan didn’t hear his brother stumble into the clearing until Ford yelled his name.

“Stanford?” he gasped. No, no no no, this was what he was trying to delay from happening —

“Shit, Stanford, why are you — shitshitshit you gotta get away —”

“Stanley, it’s alright,” Ford told him, his voice calm but his eyes justifiably terrified. To Stan’s horror, he began to walk even closer as he continued trying to sound reassuring. “I’m here now, you don’t need to worry. I don’t know how much you remember right now, but I promise…”

Ford was terrified for the wrong reasons, Stan realized. He was terrified for Stan’s sake, rather than for his own. So he kept walking closer —

Stan jumped up and dodged Ford’s outreached hand, scrambling to the other side of the clearing. He wished he could just disappear into the forest, but Ford would come after him, keep looking for him until it was too late to save himself or save anyone — Stan had to warn him, let Ford know how badly he’d fucked up, how undeserving he’d been of Ford’s trust —

“P-please, Sixer, don’t get any closer! I might — I could — DAMMIT, didn’t you listen to what I just said?! Get the the fuck away — no. Get you and the kids and Soos and Melody and Wendy and — shit, just get everyone away from me! No one deserves — deserves — deserves this!”

He wished he could wipe away his tears, get a clearer view of what Ford was doing, but he didn’t dare to bring his hands out from behind his back, not with Ford so close. He’s not leaving. I need to make him leave, or he and the kids are gonna die and it’ll all be because of me —

“Stanley, please listen to me.” Most people would have thought Ford’s voice sounded brave and determined, but Stanley could tell it was an act, a facade Ford put on with the hope it would help calm down his poor innocent amnesiac hero of a brother. But Ford didn’t know that that brother, that hero, was just a facade himself, a lie accidentally constructed by a stubborn old con man that had just doomed the world — again — and didn’t deserve Ford’s help.

“I don’t know what you’re afraid of, or what you’re remembering, but I promise you, it’s not as bad as you think. We’re all safe now. Trust me, we can —”

“BILL IS BACK, FORD!” Stan yelled.

He hated to break that facade, to destroy the trust Ford placed in him, to ruin the good thing they’d had for close to a year now, but Ford deserved to know — only had a chance of surviving if he knew.

“Listen to me! He’s back and it’s all my fault and he’s in my mind and you gotta get away before he’s completely back and he destroys the whole goddamn town — and who knows what else, because who knows if that barrier will even stop him anymore?!”

Ford was silent for a moment, and Stan couldn’t bring himself to look directly at him, only take brief glances to make sure he wasn’t moving any closer.

“Stanley, I swear Bill is dead,” Ford said slowly — Ford, the stubborn, trusting idiot who had never learned his lesson about putting too much faith in his brother. He launched into a description of all the things he and his hillbilly friend had done to make sure Bill was gone — all the things that meant nothing now, because he didn’t know about the flames, he didn’t know about the nightmares.

“If you’d let me come closer just for a moment, I can verify that you don’t have slit pupils,” Ford slowly continued. He pulled out his phone and added: “Here, I can even use the camera like a mirror so you can see for yourself that everything’s fine. You know that Bill can’t hide those eyes.”

Stan looked to his left and then his right, trying to figure out which way he should run if Ford tried to get any closer.

“Sixer, you don’t understand. You — you don’t have to check anything. I know he’s in here. You’re running out of time to save —”

“How did you — what is it that makes you think that?” Ford interrupted. Of course Ford would never believe it without evidence, but Stan couldn’t bring himself to explain how he knew, to just explain the nightmares and the fire and the feelings even he didn’t understand himself — and even if he could put it into words, Ford still might not believe it. And then what would Stan be able to do then, except…

“I’m sure there’s a logical explanation — could it have been a nightmare? Or simply sleep deprivation? I know you haven’t been getting much rest, and that can —”

“Ford, stop,” Stan told him. It would be a gamble to show him — a coin flip, more or less, that could release Bill and doom Ford just as easily as it could convince Ford to save himself… but he wasn’t sure he had a choice. He couldn’t even fucking form coherent sentences at the moment, much less convince his stubborn, trusting, idiot of a brother to leave him behind.

Before he could lose his nerve, Stan raised his right hand in front of him. “If — if you won’t fucking listen to me any other way, I — I’ll — I’ll show you, Sixer. Just look. And please, just… don’t come near me.”

Ford took a step back — the first of many, Stan hoped, and nodded. “I… a-alright.”

Stan closed his eyes. If Bill took over, he didn’t want to see what he’d do to Ford, and even if he remained in control, he still didn’t want to watch Ford’s reaction. He’d seen that horrified, betrayed, angry look on his brother’s face too many times for one lifetime where does that portal really lead? and even though Stan knew he deserved all that anger and horror, he decided in one (last?) act of cowardice that he didn’t want to see it again, didn’t want his last look at his brother to show Ford realizing he’d fallen for such a poorly disguised yet sinister lie.

Stan took a deep breath and called the fire back to his fingertips, and even without opening his eyes he could tell that it had obeyed him.

He heard a sharp intake of breath, and a moment later, the sound of panicked footsteps backing away.

About time you finally got smart about me, brainiac, Stan couldn’t help but think — not for the first time, but with much more regret than in the past.

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Thanks for reading! I tried to load this one up with irony and double meanings, and I would really welcome any feedback about that (whether it was to obvious, too subtle, etc). Actually, I’d love any sort of feedback. Please don’t be shy!

(I honestly planned to update this earlier, but first I was focusing on a one-shot and then I was on a road trip with family (still am, technically, but now I have more consistent Internet access). Hopefully this was worth the wait!)