#LIKE THE LORD FARQUAD LEGS HAD ME

[theatrekidearwax]

ok but shrek the musical is the broadway show nobody asked for but everyone needed. the tech, the costumes, fucking music, acting and dance numbers fucking SLAPPED. you can’t convince me otherwise.

[owchie-wowchie]

Nibbly: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went… OK. Tinky: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. Nibbly: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. Blinky: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. Wiggly: Looks like someone's a HO. Tinky: NaBrO. Pokey: I'm done with all of you!

Wiggly: You three, explain right now! Pokey: It was Tinky. Nibbly: It was Tinky. Blinky: It was Tinky. Tinky: Tinky: …fuck.

Wiggly: Tinky is okay. Nibbly: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it! Wiggly: Nibbly, Tinky threatened me. They threaten Pokey every day. They probably threatened Blinky before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered Tinky: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone who’s life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? Wiggly: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. Nibbly: What about Pokey? Nobody ever suspects Pokey! Pokey: Well what about Blinky? They have a gun! Blinky: Tinky has a knife. Tinky: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! stabs Nibbly in the arm

Wiggly: So we're gonna read what we wrote down so we can tell everyone in the class something about ourselves. Blinky: Okay, my name is Blinky but you can refer to me as Lord Farquad. Wiggly: Okay that's not happening- how about you! Tinky: I'm Tinky and I like the movie White Chicks! Wiggly: …Okay… whatever, I respect that. Pokey: My name is Pokey and I hate this place, it actually sucks here… Wiggly: Okay… and you… Nibbly: nervous Uhhh my name is Nibbly and my favorite color is… math.

Nibbly: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food! Wiggly: You can eat a rock. Pokey: Air. TInky: The fabric of time and space. Blinky: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems. Nibbly: You guys are not helpful.

[coconutmall-ed]

FBI agent: alright you gay bastard, tell us why you gave shrek 2 that five star rating.

me, tied to an interrogation chair, grinning: shouldn’t that be obvious?

FBI agent, punching me in the face: DON’T GET CUTE WITH US, JUST TELL US WHY YOU DID IT.

me, wiping my nose: well, first off, it expands on the universe in the first film in an excellent way, presenting far far away as a hollywood-esque city with fairytale characters as the celebrities. not only does it comment on the celebrity culture we live in today, it also maintains the charm that the fairytale themes give the series.

FBI agent: well, what about the plot?! don’t you think that shrek’s arc of trying to change for fiona’s parents acceptance completely outdoes the self-acceptance he had to earn in the first film?

me: on the contrary, i feel like shrek’s arc in this film was completely natural. meeting your partner’s family is a very stressful thing, and wanting to change and improve yourself to gain their acceptance isn’t far-fetched in the slightest. and shrek’s desire to change just shows how he wants fiona to live a happy life and have the acceptance and contentment she deserves.

FBI agent: what about the villain? surely you don’t believe that the fairy godmother is better than lord farquad?

me, blood dribbling down my face still: actually, i do. the fairy godmother is not only a perfectly evil character, she’s also charming and likable. she also excels at pinpointing shrek and the king’s insecurities, to the point that she’s able to blackmail and control them both. also, did lord farquad sing that excellently?

FBI agent, sweating now, sensing they might have been wrong: the soundtrack was definitely better in the first film.

me, laughing: now you’re just grasping at straws. do you really think the opening sequence with “accidentally in love” and the finale with “i need a hero” can be topped?

FBI agent, kicking my leg in anger and frustration: well, they certainly turned away the secondary characters in this film!

me, shaking the leg that was just kicked: but pinocchio, the gingerbread man, and the rest were crucial in helping shrek reach the ball in time? surely you didn’t forget how import puss was to the plot, and how he called the knights “capitalist pig dogs?” i’d argue that’s one of the best lines in the film.

FBI agent: you just wait right here, and don’t get any ideas.

*FBI agent leaves the room to converse with the other agents behind a glass window*

FBI agent: FUCK! they’re right.

[365days365movies]

January 3, 2021: Cliffhanger (1993)

Sylvester Stallone.

The Italian Stallion here is one of the most prominent action movie stars of the ‘80s and ‘90s, coming to prominence with Rocky in 1976. And before we even start this review, here’s the deal: I refuse to make fun of the man’s iconic voice. Yeah, I get it, we’ve all shouted “YOADRIAAAAAAH!” at some point, but his voice and face is due to a botched birth, which pinched a nerve and caused permanent facial paralysis. We all got something, and I’m not gonna target him for it. It’s been done enough.

I also can’t really comment on his acting ability. Why? Well...OK, some confession time. I’ve BARELY seen Stallone in a film. That’s going to be fixed this year, as I’ve added many of his films to the list for 2021. So, what have and haven’t I seen? Let’s start with haven’t, shall we?

I haven’t seen:

Rocky (1976): Sports November

Rocky II (1979): maybe Sports November

First Blood (1982): later this month

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992): Please. Please don’t make me.

Cliffhanger (1993): Give it a minute.

Demolition Man (1993): Science Fiction September

Judge Dredd (1995): maybe Science Fiction September

The Expendables (2010): later this month

I have seen:

Tango and Cash (1989): Dumbass buddy cop movie with Stallone and Russell; 2/5.

Antz (1998): Sub-par Dreamworks rip-off of an already kinda sub-par Pixar movie; 2/5

Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003): Yeah...I saw this in theaters, on my birthday. I saw everything in red and green for, like, an hour afterwards. Worth it. 2/5.

Rocky Balboa (2006): Somehow, this is the only Rocky movie I’ve seen, Creed included. And from what I remember, it was fine. 3/5.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017): The ONE good Stallone movie I’ve seen, and it isn’t even a Stallone movie. 5/5.

So, yeah, I haven’t seen any good Stallone movies, sans the one. But now, some of you are probably asking another question: “Why Cliffhanger? You literally haven’t seen any major Stallone movie, so WHY CLIFFHANGER?”

First of all, I think everybody’s kinda slept on this movie. It was a big success back in the day, but people have basically forgotten it at this point. You’ll see in this review that there aren’t even many GIFs from the movie made, and it wasn’t easy to find enough clips to make my own, honestly. Does it deserve to get slept on? I mean, we’ll see, right? 

Secondly, I just watched a Tom Cruise movie where he dangles off of a rope, and I liked that, so why not do that for the next one, I guess! And third...honestly, I saw this on the list, and it kinda just spoke to me. It called to me, like a boxer calling to his love. Hey, look, a reference to a movie I’ve never seen. We’ll get there. We’ll get there. Oh, and SPOILERS from here on out, by the way.

Recap

We start on a cliff. Surprise.

Michael Rooker (y’know, Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy) is hanging out (HA!) with his girlfriend Sarah on a cliff called the Tower. Y’know, third date kinda stuff. First date is dinner, second date is dinner and a movie, and third date is free-climbing up a cliff to your near death. Well...near is a strong word…

ANYHOOOO, We meet Gabe, played by the big man himself, Sly Stallion, who’s a rescue ranger in the Rocky Mountains. So, Rocky, the Rockies Rescue Ranger is sent to save Yondu and Sarah. Unfortunately...someone forgot to check the equipment before the rescue mission…

Not gonna lie, this scene is actually heart-wrenchingly tense. And the ending...well, if you’ve seen Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls...you know what happens here. And it’s actually somewhat traumatic, for Gabe and for me. Seriously. It’s a roughie.

Cut to almost a year later, and Gabe is...NOT OK. He and his wife, Jessie (who is a pilot for the Rescue Rangers, and was there when Sarah fell), have been separate, and Gabe just can’t do it anymore. And I get it, honestly. That was a hard experience, losing someone and blaming yourself. And no, it wasn’t Gabe’s fault. But to add insult to injury, he has NO SUPPORT SYSTEM. His wife doesn’t seem to understand, his former best friend Yondu hates him (getting GotG Vol. 2 flashbacks), and he’s basically all alone. Geez. You guys are jerks.

Meanwhile, a plot is afoot! And hey, it’s Tripp from CSI: Miami, AKA Rex Linn! I always liked him, so it’s cool to see him in other roles. Turns out, though, that Tripp is working with a group of thugs to steal from the US Treasury. This villainous group of 8 thugs is led by John Lithgow, AKA Lord Farquaad from Shrek, who is channeling Hans Gruber from Die Hard, and trying super-hard on that British accent. Anyway, after a pretty great mid-flight action sequence, the group of thugs loses 3 suitcases of money, amounting to millions. In the process, they also lose Expendable Thugs #1 and #2. This will be a trend. 

The thugs crash their plane into the mountain, killing Expendable Thug #3 in the process. They stage a rescue situation to get some expert mountain climbers to help them find the money. Jessie, after having just told her hubby to suck it up like a big boy (I don’t really like Jessie, by the way), begs him to help find these people. Reluctantly, he agrees, and has a tension filled reunion with his former best friend, who blames him (unfairly, in my opinion). That animosity disappears as soon as they find themselves held hostage by the thugs. And so, the money hunt begins!

First suitcase is on a cliffside, and Stallone goes to get it. Some shenanigans quickly ensure, and the thugs shoot at him. An avalanche occurs because these dumbasses have never seen a movie, and in the process, we lose a suitcase of money, Expendable Thug #4 goes the way of Sarah, and Gabe is presumed dead. Farquaad tells Yondu to tell his coworkers that everything is fine, and he’s gonna stay on the mountain to ride out the storm. Which is #5 in the list of “moments in this movie where I would 100% die” I grew up in a warm climate, this is not a comfortable hypothetical situation for me.

Anyway, our intrepid team of criminals takes Yondu to find the next suitcase, while Jessie and Gabe separately make their way to the cabin that Yondu was talking about. They catch each other up, and they can’t contact the main office because...Jessie’s radio died in the cold? You...you work amongst mountains as a rescue officer for stranded hikers. That’s the best excuse the writers came up with? Why the hell didn’t she bring a better radio? They HAD to have spares, right? RIGHT? Geez, no wonder you needed Gabe’s help.

The tracker, with its marvelously outdated computer graphics technology (IT’S A UNIX SYSTEM IKNOWTHIS), leads the thugs to the next package, but not before Gabe and Jesse get there! Gabe leaves a ransom note for the money, holding it hostage. This eventually leads to a nighttime chase in the snow, leading to Expendable Thug #5 going The Way of Sarah.

By the way, it’s also at this point that I notice that it is VERY bright...for being in the middle of the mountains at night. And I get it, you can’t exactly have your movie be shot in darkness, but...look at this.

Like...wow. That’s the fakest outdoor shot I’ve ever seen. I guess I’m glad it isn’t a day-for-night shot, but...yeah. Wow.

Jesse and Gabe find themselves in a cave full of the cutest goddamn bats I’ve ever seen. This is supposed to be a harrowing experience, but simply makes me jealous. They’re fruit bats, by the way, and they’re also WAY too high up, altitude-wise. At least, that’s what I assume. I’m a bird-guy, not a bat-guy. Eventually, they make it out of the cave after Stallone does some free-climbing...loudly. Loud enough for the super-violent, sociopathic, knife-and-gun-loving Expendable Thug #6 to hear them. And that’s when Gabe ICE-PICKS HIM IN THE LEG DAMN

Understandably pissed, and not as understandably still walking around without crying (#6 in that list of me-dying moments), the thug finds and beats the SHIT out of Gabe, handily.  But then, he calls Jessie a bitch, and Gabe is, above all things a feminist. Which leads to him, and read this CLOSELY:

This leads to Stallone, bloodied and beaten, PICKING THE THUG UP OVER HIS HEAD, AND IMPALING HIM ONTO A STALACTITE. Not a stalagmite, a STALACTITE. HOLY SHIT!.

Well, Expendable Thug #6 is dead, there’s a bomb on the mountaintop, Jesse almost goes The Way of Sarah, and Frank (another guy who works with them, don’t know if I mentioned him) gets lured into a trap where he gets killed. An “Aww” moment from me; I liked Frank, he seemed like a really nice guy. This eventually leads to Farquaad and Tripp out-crazy-ing each other, and Farquaad winning by killing Expendable Thug #7, who does not go The Way of Sarah (blessed be her fall).

Gabe finds the remaining money, while Tripp, Yondu, and Expendable Thug #7 get there just after. Tripp leaves, and Yondu then delivers my favorite line of the movie:

Oh, sorry, no, it’s, “In a minute, I’ll be dead. You will always be an asshole.” Thug #7 beats the shit out of Yondu, I get flashbacks to GotG 2, and Thug #8 goes THE WAY OF SARAH, BLESSED BE HER FALL. Tripp finds the tracker without the money, and officially loses it, outing himself and Farquaad to the government officials who FINALLY get here.

Tripp finds Gabe, they make their way to a frozen mountain lake, and Gabe SHOOTS TRIPP FROM UNDERNEATH THE ICE. That shouldn’t have worked for many reasons, but that was cool, so fuck it. Now, it’s just Farquaad, BUT HE HAS JESSIE! OH NOOOOOOOooooooo.

This whole thing culminates in a tense, cool chase sequence between Gabe and Farquad in the helicopter. The helicopter crashes into the mountainside, and the two fight while on the helicopter, which is now hanging from the cliff.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

This inevitably leads to Farquaad and the helicopter going, of course, The Way of Sarah. Blessed Be Her Fall. #BBHF. 

And that’s it. Our three heroes are, themselves, rescued by the government agents, and we pan away from the cliffside, as the credits roll. Boom. Cliffhanger.

Stay tuned for the epilogue, which contains the review!

[xxwinterchillxx]

Halloween Dance and Some Unfortunate Events

Summary:

Levi is willing to go all the way to get Eren to go with him to the Halloween Dance. But things get complicated since Levi cannot show any sign of intelligence around the German hottie. However, he isn’t taking no for an answer.

Rating - Teen and Up Audiences

Categories - M/M

Relationships - Levi/Eren, background relationships, Moblit/Hanji, Armin/Erwin, Krista|Historia/Ymir

Chapters - 5/?

Read below cut or read on AO3

Chapter 5: My place?

It was 11:55pm by the time I left the Jaeger residence with Erwin. He had on this really goofy smile which I didn’t want to investigate into further. So, we drove in complete silence.

I could tell that I was cold when I saw myself breathing out puffs of vapour. But honestly, I felt damn nothing. My heart was still pounding like anything and whenever I saw my reflection in the car window, I too had on that same goofy Erwin grin.

 I am dating Eren Jaeger.

 ~~oOo~~

 The first thing I saw when I woke up was an angry woman’s face. I got yelled at for like a full 10 minutes by mom for sneaking in late yesterday. But I couldn’t think of anything other than the events of last night.

It was kind of a haze, really. Once Eren asked me out, my mind became so numb. I couldn’t say anything but it’s pretty obvious that I liked him too when I leaned in closer to him, holding his hands.

Then it’s all a blur. I think a kiss was supposed to happen. But that’s when Erwin came in the scene. His hair was messed up and his clothes looked scruffy. That fucking sack of balls didn’t know what was going on so he told me that we should go home because his dad told him that his stupid car should be home by 10. I think that’s when it ended.

Mom’s still mad at me. She somehow missed out on the fact that the costume she spent a day fixing was for a party. It’s not like I drank or anything so I don’t get why she is so upset.

Now that I think about it, I should go and fix up a costume for the dance 3 days from now. Fuck, I’m going with the fucking Jaeger. Oh my gosh, I’m literally going to dance with Eren! It feels so weird thinking about it. But, like, a good kind of weird.

I wonder if we should do a couple costume….

What the fuck am I thinking? That shit’s for 5th graders.

 I think I’d look cool as Belle though. I make a good fucking princess.

  ~~oOo~~

 “…so yeah, still think Levi can’t talk in front of his crush?” I smiled smugly at Hanji, who was sitting in the middle of my room with a blank expression.

“Well, technically, short-stack, you didn’t say anything.”

I faltered for a second after that rude-ass comment, “O..uh, okay but that, like, totally part of my suave sooo yeah.”

Hanji stretched out her legs and lied down on the floor wearing the same blank expression, “Sure, whatever.”

I was about to reply when she interrupted, “So, are you guys going to the dance?”

Squinting, I stated as a matter-of-factly, “Obviously.” I grabbed her phone and texted Erwin to come over. “You know what? That reminds me. What are you guys going as? I don’t want any costume repetition or shit like that. This is the first time I’m going to dance with my cru– boyfriend.”

She instantly shot up from her lying position with an annoying air of dignity, “Yes, about that. Moblit thinks we shouldn’t participate in such chivalrous youth activities.”

“What?”

Smiling faintly, she tried to look cool and all, fixing her hair. It took forever for her to reply. “Moblit thinks that we should instead spend time with each other instead of doing whatever everyone else is doing. He’s so insightful like that.”

Honestly, does anyone else feel the need as much as I do to shove Moblit’s chivalrous dick down his throat?

“My god, woman, does any of your sentences start without his stupid name?”

“Hey, don’t start with me. Moblit’s insightful, thoughtful a-and…,” she couldn’t seem to find any other praises for her boyfriend, “And Eren’s a dumbass.”

I gasped and shot up from my bed, “Yeah? At least Eren isn’t a nagging bitch. Moblit’s a fucking ugly crybaby.”

I think we were about to get into a fist fight (friendship, amirite?) before Erwin appeared.

“Hey Levi. Hey Hanji,” he cheerfully greeted and sat down at the nearest chair. “What’s going on?”

Both Hanji and I immediately forgot our own differences and started picking on him.

Hanji made a face and nudged Erwin playfully on the side, “I’ve heard stuff about you, Erwin.”

Erwin grew pale and laughed nervously, “H-Hanji, what are you talking about?”

She reached her hand down Erwin’s inner thigh and squeezed it tightly, earning a yelp from Erwin. “Bedroom secrets.”

I sneered, “Oh my god, Erwin’s bedroom kinks. That’s so gross, Hanji. Tell.”

“Hanji, no-”

“Armin calls him ‘Daddy Long Legs’!” screamed out Hanji excitedly.

 ~~oOo~~

We’re not really on talking terms with either Erwin or Armin anymore. They’re so overdramatic, my god. The last thing Erwin said to us was not to bother him or his cousin anymore.

And also to stop calling Armin his cousin. What? It’s funny.

Anything involving Erwin’s eyebrows is funny.

On the other hand, Hanji told me that Erwin and Armin are going all Prince-and-Princess this year. So that totally rules out me going in an all-out yellow gown.

“Maybe I should put on my mom’s weird green facemask again and go as Shrek,” I said to Hanji as we ate (without Erwin) in the cafeteria. It was Monday. There were no classes as everyone was busy prepping the entire building for a horror-themed dance. The main hall was being decorated with plastic pumpkins and violet drapes.

Hanji hummed indecisively and took a bite out of her apple, “No, Eren should go as Shrek. You know, like a cool handsome Shrek.”

I laughed, “Yeah. His eyes are green-ish anyway. But I won’t look good with Fiona’s red hair”

“What are you talking about? Obviously, you are Lord Farquad, shawty.”

 Anyways, due to some minor inconveniences, I have decided that my costume isn’t going to be animation themed. That shit’s stupid to be honest.

I’m leaving the decisions to my boyfriend, Eren. My boyfriend Eren Jaeger. Hehe.

We’ve been talking to each other like all the time. Just today, he looked at me and smiled. It was so romantic. I just wish the others would pay more attention to the fact that I’m dating the hottest guy in school but no, they’re too busy trying to find their dates. Bunch of narcissistic fuckfaces.

I looked to the left and saw Eren and his group entering the cafeteria. Almost half the faces in the room turned to them. It was like a different aura spread out. Eren, Mikasa, Krista, Reiner…., the handsomest faces of the school. And Armin walking alongside them, as if he belonged.

I waved a hand to Eren but he didn’t see. I didn’t blame him though. There was a lot happening around him. They were all laughing, tripping each other, punching at times and making a lot of noise. I don’t know why but whenever I see Eren with them, I can literally feel my anxiety choking me.

“Fuck, is that Daddy Long Legs?”

As soon as I heard Hanji, my head whipped back and saw Erwin sitting at the popular table, laughing at whatever stupid shit the whole group was laughing at. That stupid meat-headed traitor. They were chanting ‘kiss’ ‘kiss’ over and over again. Then Armin gave him a peck on the cheek. In the background, Hanji just said, “Ew.”

“You guys are so cute!” Krista’s shrill girly stupid fuckvoice followed the kiss, “Couple goals!!”

I’m so pissed at Erwin. I mean, like, after you yell at your friends for absolutely no reason, you are supposed to repent and then stay sad.  You’re not supposed to laugh a-and fucking hang out with other people’s crushes. It’s totally rude. Like, what did Hanji and I ever do to him?

“Eren coming. 1 O’clock,” Hanji mumbled quickly before walking away.

I didn’t even have the time to react.

 “Hey, Levi.”

I looked up to see his stupidly gorgeous face. He kept a hand on my chair and the other on the table. His brown locks all messy, his hideously green eyes practically piercing through me. The light shining conveniently behind him made him look like a God. He’S sO hOt, fuck me.

“Can I sit?”

I nodded quickly. But like, not too quickly because I don’t want to look thirsty and not too slow ca- stop thinking, dammit.

He sat opposite to me, cupping his god-like face with one of his hands and just… staring at me. I couldn’t even look at his face, let alone his eyes. My eyes darted around to look at something else. Why am I so panicky?!

“Thanks, doll.”

My heart literally crashed and stopped working and I could feel my brain turning to mush. I breathed out heavily in response. Don’t ask me why, okay. I just prayed damn hard that he didn’t notice my antics.

“I was thinking about that dance, you know. About all that costume stuff.”

I sipped my juice pouch, trying to play it cool.

“Eren.”

I don’t know why I said his name. I just did.

Shit, I had his full attention now. His eyes looked up at me expectantly and his eyes literally lit up. If he had a tail, it be wagging.

I just looked at him, not knowing quite what to say. I was mentally trying to piece together a sentence… any sentence to break the tension.

His expression changed and he put up a hand to his cheek, smirking.

“Damn, Levi, you are so cute.” He smiled warmly before he held my hand.

“I was thinking of, you know, Marvel. I love their movies,” he continued, squeezing my hand. “Maybe Deadpool and Spidey?” He paused for a second then added, “I already have their costumes, by the way so like….?”

“Sure.” I replied, kind of proud of myself for saying ‘sure’ instead of some stupid pun about a sea beach.

“I’ll have it mailed to you. Anyways, could you give me your phone number? I don’t have it.”

“Oh! Uh… yeah, sure.”

I blushed when I saw his home screen. The picture was me in that stupid pink panther shit. I internally screeched.

“I hope you don’t mind.”

“Is okay.” I replied, typing in my number. Is okay…. Who says that?

“Cool, thanks.”

He moved his seat right next to mine and asked, “Do you have your phone?”

“Yeah, why?”

I placed my phone in his outstretched hand.

Putting an arm around me, he called my phone before I could stop him.

Panic rose up in me and I instantly yelled, “Wait, stop-”

 And across that stupid iPhone screen, there appeared the dreaded words-

 Futurehusbando    calling….                                           2:09 pm

 The background image just had a zoomed-in picture of me deliberately smiling like a pervert, courtesy of Hanji.

I felt my heart sinking and my face burning up.

Eren looked at the screen for a few seconds before looking up at me with a slightly cocky grin.

“I see you already have my phone number.”

He handed back my phone to me. I kept looking down mostly because I wanted to faceplant myself into the tile floors.

“Well, anyways, I have to get going. I’m sorry but the principal told me to come down to his office like two hours ago so yeah. I promise I’ll call you later.”

He grabbed my face and planted a soft kiss to my forehead before smiling brightly, “Wait for me after school! I’ll drive you home, okay?” He paused for a moment and looked back, “You’re so cute.”

  After he left, I groaned and felt a hand on my back, patting me.

“Damn Levi, you are one unlucky son of a bitch.”

“I know, Hanji. I know.”

<< First | < Previous || Next >

[oasislake76]

OKAY. S O.

Lab of Doom is a thing that happens at my high school every Halloween. Before my Freshman year it was Avenger themed (it was also the year the science room they were showing it in burned down. R.I.P spotty the Gecko, you are dearly missed even tho I never met you.)

but it was Star Wars themed during my freshman year. They even had a slide that said “R.I.P Spotty the Jedi Gecko 2014-2015”

Sophomore year was Hogwarts and Mr.B-Z (the giant man in the video dressed horribly as Shrek) was Gandalf because he was the tallest at 7 feet tall. He yelled in the Gandalf voice he does at us because our class was late to the Lab Of Doom because our Bio teacher was an incompetent evil little thing.

Junior year was Stranger Things and Mr.B-Z dressed up as Eleven.

And this year, my Senior year, they couldn’t figure out if they wanted to do: The Office, Star Trek, or Shrek (I and another girl demanded that they consider Shrek at most or the Bee Movie at least)

So they went with a fucking M A S H U P between Star Trek and Shrek.

AND LET ME

T E L L

Y O U

Shrek and Spock went to the same high school.

Some one named Vernon or Scotty???? Died a total of 5 times through out the whole hour and a half ordeal.

Donkey was female and was in a wlw relationship with the “Dragon” that was just one of the Dinosaur suits.

Star Trek did absolutely fucking n o t h i n g besides being Comedy relief.

Far quad was just one of the taller teachers on his knees with a stupid curly wig, fake crown, and a cape you would find at amusement parks.

Mr.B-Z cooked a “swamp slug” it was a pickle and did a weird experiment on it (I think using electric from two metal rods to cook it) and it started turning red on one end and everyone in the crowed started to chant “EAT IT! EAT IT!” And he ate it. The whole auditorium stank of cooked pickles.

They joked in the beginning that they were actually going to kill Lord Farquad until Mrs. J told them that they were just going to knock him out. That didn’t stop the male teachers from continuing the killing joke.

There was a (for a high school) some what good battle fight between Fiona and the merry man group-thingy.

Mr. Lake did an awesome job impersonating the Ginger Bread Man when he was getting his leg torn off and his button actually torn off.

Mr. B-Z didn’t know what kind of thing he grabbed from Walmart to color his face with, he didn’t know if it was face paint at all. It just said “Green” and he grabbed it and bought its we’re all pretty sure it’s baby food of some sort. He stained everything he touched, his face is still green to today.

There was like S O much shit that I’ll probably remember more later. but like yeah.

Lab of Doom is dope as fuck and I’ll be spamming my blog with it and more of my high school videos I have.

[cherrysnax]

//lateass Mutual Tag :D

beps tagged me like 10 days ago and i love being tagged in things!! mandated reminder to followe @naxzela or pewish!!

nickname: okay, so im not really a nickname person but most people call me eli (or even more cursed, ewi) elly, jaah, pj calls me elijah hemsworth and i don’t know why, and im pretty fond of the nickname pumpkin, @nnaiad calls me lord farquad but if you do that i’m legally allowed to kill you.

zodiac: Leo ( august 9th babes)

height: 5′5/ i used to be the tall kid, man :(

age: 17 going on 18 (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

time: i started this at like 8:30 and it’s 9:58 now lmao

fave bands/artists: i still like brockhampton, sometimes i like kendrick, but only sometimes, paramore is aight, and.. you Know.. the boys,, btr (dont fucking @ me) and i still love vocaloid ;; song stuck in my head: memory from cats (but only one specific part????)

last movie i watched: hhhh???? i don’t remember?

last thing i googled:  diphylleia

other blogs: hoooo okay, @bxgtxmerush is my BTR blog (dont judge) @analogggs​ is our system blog (one of them at least lmao), @loopnovas is my simblr lmao, i have others that aren’t active, and all of my alters have tumblrs, but ya’ll don’t need to know ‘em.

do i get asks?: I get a ton now and it’s awesome! i love talking to people!!

why i chose my username?: it me name, pal.

following: 1,111. i need to unfollow a loooot of blogs. 

average amount of sleep: hehehehe. like three hours on a good day. i try, but sleep is hard to come about uwu

lucky number: 14.

what am i wearing: Grey muscle shirt we’ve had since we were a wee lad, it fits better now than it did before lmAO. some really tattered leggings that are actually turned inside out AND backwards. and a choker, cause i’m hot like that.

dream job: not working and being rich sounds fun i wanna write cartoons or comics, maybe even draw ‘em.

dream trip: ehhh, i wanna go to greece one day.

play any instruments: self taught piano, and i used to play the trombone (i joined the school band to impress a gal and a guy i like, and i hated it)

fave song: hehehe Dreams Of an Absolution, Lee Brotherton (yes its a sonic song. yes its from sonic 06. what about it,)

play any sport: ha, nope! jay does love him some hockey though!

hair colour: black-brown, reaaally wanna dye it silver though.

eye colour:  warm brown.

most iconic song: either Return of the Mack, or Toxic.

language(s) you speak: english and some ASL

random fact: my bones refuse to break???

describe yourself as aesthetics: The loud whirring of a laptop in an empty room at the crack of dawn, the soft scuffling of socks against a carpeted floor, chewed down nails and raw fingertips, sharp breaths that you can’t figure out if it’s from a laugh or a sob, the smell of blood and lavender, a judging click of the tongue and a cheeky grin, water bottles with flowers growing from them, holding your own hand as rain falls down harder and harder. haircuts that you instantly regret, letters never written. a missed sunset. i tagggg uh,, anyone?? if you wanna do it hh do it aedfghj