#LMFAOOOOOO I LOVE HOW ONE OF THOSE THINGS HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED

[moe-broey]

I'm usually like. Overly cautious about how much I share online and like maybe I'll delete this later but I had a deeply unhinged experience today and I desperately need to get it out of my system LMFAOOOOOO so I'm sharing some messages I sent to my sisters (they're currently overseas so. Timezones. Ect. No one has heard my plea) (yet)

Also putting it under a readmore for my own sake tbh bc I think I'll take psychic damage if. It's just rhere. Looking at me wheneve r I check my blog

But like the jist of it and true takeaway is that, I, extremely queer autistic guy, ended up having a very in depth THOROUGH conversation with my very Christian dad about queer identity, attraction model, the whole nine yards and I think it broke both of us actually

Like girl. Girl. Where do I even start here. Like unpacking any of this.

I guess some notes/clarifications:

> Penis doesn't equal inherently masculine I just flubbed the wording/represented the flubbed wording as it was in my text. I love girldick girldick is so fuckinh cool

> Maybe didn't explain my demisexuality very well either but half of that is a consequence of not being able to navigate it very well in the first place. To the point where I've actually gone back and forth on IDing as demi for a long time. Like maybe I just have issues and autism. It could be any of those things it could be all of those things LMFAO

> Feels worth mentioning when I say Christian I don't mean all Christians are like this. I just happen to come from The Bad Place. The shitty side of it. Unfortunate, but it happens. My approach w any religion/faith nowadays is to be as understanding and empathetic as possible. It's a bit of a personal thing for me actually, even if spirituality isn't for me, I like to understand why it is for someone else. It helps me understand that person, As a person, better. It can be interesting too!

AUGH. I'M. Feeling burnt again. But. I guess final notes for peer review:

> Was This Ableism when it came to my dad's attitude towards me or Is It Just Cause He's My Dad???? The desexualization of autistic people is a huge thing but also I am literally his offspring. It's certainly a weird area for anyone to navigate.

> Was This Ableism, 2!!! Or Is It Some Amalgamation of. Man I don't even know. I'm his youngest I'm autistic I'm afab I have a lot of things going on that makes it so everyone looooooooves dismissing me and invalidating me and saying I've been misled or tricked or influenced as if I can't think for myself or know how I really feel. I'm gonna puke about it LMFAOOOOOOOOO

All this considered, though, it is worth mentioning (and really, truly, this can be the hardest part), that despite all this. I am very loved. I might rag on my dad have some grievances but he does love me. Hell he even makes accommodations for me, like he literally built a door between the living room and kitchen because I was overwhelmed by the lights being on when he's cooking and the sound of running water. That's one example, but there are more I just don't feel like sharing. And I say being loved is the hardest part because as an autistic guy the grey in things I wish were black and white and easy to understand is my greatest enemy LMFAO

Anyway post over now I feel sick LMFAO my tummy hurdts 😢 SO SAD SO SAD 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[deathtriangles]

dumb shiz that I have been thinking about bc I can't sleep but I personally would love a bizarro episode of aew/bte segment where wrestlers switch characters. but it's played straight?

I need lucha bros as the young bucks and like pac as jungle boy. frickin maki as pac. jungle boy as hangman. obviously the clothes would be wak but god I need it in my life

fun fact one of pac's early career gimmicks was basically jungle boy lmfao, google the pic it's WILD but omg YES this would be so funny like i'd pay for it

[tylerwritez]

TUESDAY JULY 13 10:42 A.M.

JUDE IS BACK FROM HIS HIATUS!!!!

One thing I think I will no longer be doing is writing down negative feelings and thoughts and... leaving them there. No. Next time I vent, I delete it right after.

If you want something to be sad over, you'll find something. But if you GENUINELY ATTEMPT to be happy, you will be.

So try harder.

Also, my new phone background is a collage thing of me and my friends at Rebecca's house.

I originally did it as this cool way to remember my besties XD but now it also kinda helps my #SelfEsteem because whenever I think my face is ugly, I look at my phone background and I'm like "that's what you look like, no filter, nothing" and it makes me happier because in that background image I just see a boy being stupid with his friends and I sorta smile like "yeah, that IS what I look like, no filter"

I like it cos, those pictures were taken without me doing anyhting to try and look better, so I KNOW that's like. How I REALLY look. And tbh? Not that bad.

I don't even really mind my smile lines anymore. Cos they're from SMILING!!! means I'm a happy guy.

ALSO I THINK I PASS IN MY BACKGROUND? because I'm that kinda of ugly that says "male" yk, especially next to my friends who are girls/nonbinary I just seem so Boy idk its gender... the photo set is very Gender for my face XDDD THIS IS REALLY STUPID

oh well. Positivity only now, babes.

Also! You may have noticed my HIATUs from posting!!! Yeah, I'll still post, and I'll update y'all on my life... but NOT DAILY... I don't really have the time for that.

I'll do it maybe whenever I feel like, but I'll try and stick to weekly, biweekly, idk, whenever I feel like I should talk about my life, whenever things happen.

Right now I'm actually on a roadtrip!!!

We just spent a day on all the amusement park rides at the Calgary Stampede!! It was AWESOME.

Also we have spent time in #nature and I'm COLLECTING! ROCKS! >:) THEY ARE WAY COOLER OUTSIDE MY HOMETOWN JUST SAYING...

Maybe I'll find a hagstone.

So far no, I've only found cool stripey ones but no hagstones.

Maybe I'm not meant to find a hagstone. Maybe whatever gives me my good luck is protection enough.

ACTUALLY, ON THAT NOTE, I HAVEN'T STOLEN ANYTHING FOR THIS WHOLE TRIP... SO LIKE 1 OR 2 WEEKS. WHICH IS CRAZY!!! PROUD OF MYSELF :)

ALSO I HAVEN'T CUT MYSELF FOR LIKE A MONTH MAYBE(?) WHICH IS SO WOW.

see? I can totally do this! You'll see.

Lately I haven't been stressing AT ALL. like. So much happiness and fun, out on my roadtripppp!

I have had a few stressors.... but like. I've done my best to push them aside, because I know it'll be better not to think about them.

Like, I'm starting to think all my unhappiness cOMES FROM THINKING ABOUT MY STRESSORS TOO MUCH... OVERTHINKING.

However, if I tell myself "don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do" and then try n forget, I'm so much happier.

Here are my current #stressors... since everyone loves some drama (I'm listing em)

1. I MIGHT LOSE MY VIRGINITY UHHHH AND IM NERVOUS AND IDK IF I SHOULD OR WHAT ITLL  FEEL LIKE OR IF I SHOULD WAIT.... AAAAAAAA IDK ITS KINDA SCARY COS WHAT IF IT HURTS A LOT... WHAT IF IT FUCKS ME UP. IDK. I KNOW NOTHING.

2. MY STEALING + CUTTING ISSUES... LIKE. I'M ADDICTED???? AND OFC IM HAPPY I MANAGE TO GET BY WITHOUT IT BUT SOMETIMES ITS VERY HARD. TO RESIST. YOUR URGES.

man if that god guy is real I bet hes happy with me (or I guess god can be a girl, or nonbinary, or maybe is not male but still uses he/him, or maybe DOESNT use he him pronouns and we are fuckig it up???? Idk I will just say "he")

(I doubt god has a gender tho lol. He made man and woman in his image yeah? So then.... uh.... he would be intersex(?)

Personally I think god has No genitals at all and No gender either. But then again, I dont even believe in a god...)

ALL IM SAYING IS. IF GOD WAS REAL. THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE PLEASED THAT I AM. RESISTING SIN? SO WELL.

... cos cutting yourself IS a sin....

That used to upset me so much dude. I read this bible passage... and it would be CONSTANTLY referenced. Your body is a temple. Its sinful to harm your body. Its sinful to use drugs, is what they said at school, but like. What about other types of intentional harm? Sin. Sinful.

I used to be so invested in that Catholicism shit, man. And afterward, after I. Did the cutting. I'd be covered in half dried sticky blood. I'd smell the metallic smell so strongly.... because I bled out A LOT... its incredible to me honeslty, how such minor styros and occasional light fat cuts can gush out so MUCH blood. It's a lot. It's more than you'd expect from a little cut. The cuts pool up with blood and then overflow.

It trickles down your legs.

But I'd be patching myself up afterward (basically tryna clean the blood, stop the bleeding, make sure I didnt bleed out onto my sheets and dirty them in my sleep... make sure I didnt leave evidence) and I'd think to myself "this is a sin, I am a sinner..."

Ofc my stupid ass was constantly begging for forgiveness, praying, reading the bible, blah blah, please I just wanna serve you, please help me, please...

What a pathetic state to be in most of my junior high years HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD XDDDDD LMAOOOO LMFAOOOOOO ROFLLLLL

like. I had a corner of the school I used SPECIFICALLY to cry.

How sad...

BUT NOW IM IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AND I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE

0 CRYING SPOTS

MANY MAKING OUT SPOTS

like woah its almost like. I dont have to suffer at all.

I'm winning now.

W. What was I talking about before I started rambling. Idk. I forget. Oh well.

POSITIVITY ONLY BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILL KEEP YALL UPDATED I SWEAR

SIGNING OFF,

JUDE SHEPARD

[notsoheadless]

Okay so the other night I watched the whole debate and here were the things Jontron said that got me. They’re under the cut cause it’s so much. My favorites are bolded. If it doesn’t specify a speaker that means Jontron said it. They all have timestamps so you can’t say I just took these out of context lol. This reads kinda like a liveblog. (Disclaimer: I don’t agree with everything Destiny said, but gotdamn at least he was competent and Not An Asshole. If you watch the video, TW for ablest slurs.) 

“Whites becoming a minority in the country that they built” (10:20)

(These next three things happen in like the same 3 minutes jfc) (EDIT: after coming back and doing the timestamps it’s the same 2 minutes JFC)

*jontron brings up Japan as an example* *Destiny points out how racist Japan is and has been in the past and how it’s hurting them* Jontron: “no I think they are a model society” (13:04)

*jontron asks what’s so wrong about white people wanting to preserve their demographic majority* *destiny asks why skin color matters using the word “you” in a general way* Jontron: “well, I didn’t start this, did I?!” (14:06)

Jontron: “I think people are tribal and want to stick to their own” Destiny: (quoting jontron from earlier in the stream) “but you’ve disproved that yourself because you think you’re white but you’re Iranian and Hungarian, that wouldn’t have been considered white in the-” Jontron: “I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about mass immigration!” (They were not talking about mass immigration) (14:35)

“These are just slurs: ‘White supremacist, racist!’” (16:57)

“Irish were always considered white, I don’t know where the myth that they weren’t came from, that’s ridiculous” (19:41)

Apparently having signs that say “Irish need not apply” is “not liking” Irish people. (20:35)

“Perhaps the Italians and Irish had some traits that were not desirable” (21:17)

Mexican illegal immigrant rapists should be deported but white rapists are “part of the American family” (I know what he was trying to say but jfc what a way to say it) (22:29)

(After literally saying that whites should remain the majority for the whole stream) “Look, I’m not saying that whites should remain the majority, I’m just saying that whites are not allowed to speak up against their demographic……*fumbles for words*…….oblivion” (23:21)

WHITE PEOPLE ARE BEING DISPLACED LADS I GUESS WE GOT SOME REVERSE GENTRIFICATION LMFAO OOOOO OOOOOO AND APPARENTLY THIS DISPLACEMENT IS COMPARABLE TO WHAT HAPPENED TO NATIVE AMERICANS J F C (23:49)

(THERES AN HOUR AND 37 MINUTES OF THIS VIDEO LEFT HOOOOWWW)

*jontron brings up Tibet as a “parallel situation” and destiny doesn’t know about it so doesn’t comment* I ACTUALLY JUST LEARNED ABOUT THIS IN INTRO TO EAST ASIAN HISTORY and lemme tell you rn it has nothing to do with what’s going on in America and is a completely different thing shaped by a completely different history but hmu if you wanna know what happened or like, google exists too. (25:11)

*jontron compares immigration to colonization like it’s the same fucking thing* *destiny points out how that’s not the same At. All.* Jontron: “Then what do you call a large number of people from one place coming in, setting up their own ethnic enclaves and waving their own flags in our country.” (26:18)

ILLEGAL MEXICANS ARE THE TRUE CAUSE OF GENTRIFICATION MY FRIENDS (28:37)

At one point Jontron pulls some bullshit statistic out of his ass and then Destiny straight up googles it right then and there LMAO (he doesn’t mention it but tell me that’s not what happened lmfao) (30:03)

*laughing* “Its soft displacement, dude.” (31:01)

Destiny: “When you say you want to 'make America great again,’ what time period are you referring to?” Jontron: “…I think that’s a very silly question.” (33:33)

*completely out of fucking left field* “there is a disproportionate amount of crime committed to whites by non-whites” (34:34)

The infamous “Wealthy blacks commit more crimes than poor whites. That’s a fact.” (I love Destiny’s reaction lmao “Wait, what???” And then stunned silence.) (36:23)

“That implies that the court system is somehow racist.” (LMFAOOOOOO WHOS GONNA TELL HIM) (37:14)

*proceeds to get told bout the court system* “I don’t subscribe to that” (37:27)

*Destiny points out that it’s white christians who protest things like abortions and LGBT rights* Jontron: “there may be a small minority of white christians who do that.” (He thinks is majority Muslims doing this) (49:20)

*Destiny, as he has been trying to do the whole stream, points out that Europe and the US are vastly different things and brings this up with the context of Europeans* Destiny: “Also no one sees themselves as a 'North American.’ Do you think at the end of the day, 'Ah yes, I feel like a North American’ today. Just like a Canadian and a Mexican.” Jontron: “I do think that we are very different from Mexico, but very similar to Canada.” (51:14)

Okay Jontron basically says that if people assimilated and entered the gene pool they’d eventually become white but then when asked if he’s saying that he says no?????? (1:02:17)

Destiny: “okay but you keep making this about race why do you keep going back to whites” Jontron: “because I-I-I- ….I you know, I do think,…. you know race……influences culture.” (1:04:00)

“Just because I believe they have a different experience doesn’t mean I advocate that black lives matter” (OOOOOO again I know what he means but just talk yourself into a hole my guy) (1:05:28)

Destiny: *attempts to have a civil conversation about why BLM exists and why problems in the black community exist, doesn’t insinuate Jontron has any specific opinion on this* Jontron: “You’re like one of those talk shows where they try to trap ya! Like CNN!” (1:06:06)

“That’s why you’re seeing this rise in all these quote unquote nazis” (homie they call themselves neo-nazis) (1:10:41) (EDIT: getting the timestamps I actually missed this one and had to go back because it had NOTHING to do with what they were talking about lmao.)

Jontron (who’s been going off on tangents the whole stream, with Destiny desperately trying to keep them on one topic when they get there): “you’re just going off on tangents, dude.” (1:11:59)

“You can speak flowery language about this stuff” after Destiny uses very basic language to make a point lmao. Like that’s what a debate is, jontron. (1:13:00)

“If you don’t think we’ve gotten rid of discrimination you’re living in a fantasy land.” (1:14:04)

“The United States and Europe are interconnected spiritually.” (1:15:17)

(HOW ARE THERE STILL 43 MINUTES)

(No wait it’s cool I think the rest is just Destiny talking about what a train wreck that was Jontron left)