#LetterToALovedOne

[realthoughtsreal]

Letter to a loved one

Mother

I never thought I’d lose you like this, you know?

I thought you’d live until like a 100 years like our greatgrandfather and be one of those annoying, nagging, but sometimes sweet grandmas. That you’d hang out with your grandchildren and bother us with your complaints of how we raised them.

I didn’t see this coming. Not really. Only in my nightmares.

Even through all your craziness, I know you suffered. I know you weren’t truly a bad person. You were sick.

But strong. You always seemed so strong, almost invincible. No matter what came at you, you always stood up again, and again (regardless of your fantasies).

I’m sorry you had such a horrible life mother. I’m sorry you were abused in so many ways, so horribly since you were young.

I’m sorry if I didn’t seem empathic enough towards you.

I’m sorry the guilty ones for your wounds are not dead or in prison.

I’m sorry, that I forgot that even though you were a crazy narcissist manipulator and liar, you were also a victim. A victim of truly atrocious things who didn’t get justice. I’m sorry I was blind to your feelings and didn’t validate how you were feeling because I was blinded by my own experiences with you and thought that you were just using another manipulation tactic on me.

I’m sorry I didn’t take you more seriously mom. I was just trying to protect myself from you, for once.

You hurt me so so so much. The worst memories and times of my life were spent in that house with you.

I’m sorry that my pain made me forget that you could feel pain too.

You were right. I wasn’t being empathetic enough towards you.

But you didn’t listen. Why? I told you so many times to go to the hospital, to come home with the family where you would be safe. Why couldn’t you just listen?!

Why did you never listen to me?

All this could have been avoided.

I hope that you died peacefully, like you wanted. Not in pain. Just… slipping away.

I hope that death has brought you the clarity and freedom you did not have in life. I hope that your sickness was not a problem of your soul, but of your body and the life you lived here.

I hope that, wherever you are, in any shape or form, that you are at peace.

You suffered so much here. Most of the memories I have of you are of fights and pain, be it yours or mine.

You always looked so sad in the photos. Like the camara could see into your soul and your eyes shined with pain. You… cried so much, so often.

I’m sorry I forgot you could feel pain too.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you, even though I tried so hard.

I’m sorry you won’t be there to brush our hair anymore or lie with us in our beds and tell us stories or hug us or kiss our foreheads. I’m sorry I wasn’t with you then, holding your hand. There are so many things I wish I had said. Too many.

I’ll probably never stop thinking about what could have been.

You suffered all your life mother, so so much.

Don’t worry. I’m gonna take care of my brother. Whatever it takes. No one will hurt him again.

It’s okay mom.

I understand better now.

I’m sorry.

It’s okay, you can rest. You can go.

I love you.

Your daughter

[blue-cheerios]

Dear Little Brother

Dear Little Brother,

I had never expected to watch you get sick. I had never expected to watch you die, let alone hold your hand when it happened. I had never expected to live more than an hour away from you, let alone a lifetime away. I had always expected that I would spend the next seventy  years taking care of you, supporting you, and just having you by my side. Now I have to spend the next seventy years alone. Not necessarily alone, just without you being there. I’ve taken care of you since you were born, making sure you were always fed, always knowing where you were, trying to make sure you were safe. I don’t know how to stop doing that. I feel like my job technically ended when I helped Dad bury you, but I can’t help feeling like there is something next because until now, there is always something next. I don’t want my job to be over. I’m not ready for my job to be over.

The most painful thing I have ever experienced was walking into that hospital room and seeing you there, but feeling you were gone. Your heart may have been beating, but my brother was gone. I grabbed your hand, hoping I was wrong, hoping that i would feel you there, but i felt nothing. You were gone, there was no bringing you back to us, so we asked the nurses to turn off your machines. I am so grateful to he nurses who had the sense to turn off the monitor first. I think that if i had heard the monitor flatline, I would have really thrown up, like I was already so close to doing.

Balzer misses you. Several times a day he’ll go up to your room and look for you, then come back downstairs. He’s done it less often since your funeral. I think he smelled you and knew what had happened. I’ve caught him in your room sleeping on the pile of laundry you left on the ground a couple of times.

We’re supposed to start packing up your room soon to get ready for when we sell the house, but it’s so hard. I don’t want your life to be reduced to a couple of boxes. That wouldn’t do justice to all of the amazing things you did.

I’m having trouble with people. Lately, the only friends of mine who’ve really gotten it and haven’t come off as inconsiderate ignorant assholes were the ones who attended your burial. I think seeing it made it different, it let them really see it. If they weren’t there to support me  I think I would have fallen in. They supported me in the last thing i could do for you as your big sister. They helped give me the strength to make sure you got into the ground okay. Dad and I couldn’t let that guy just fucking dump dirt on top of you like he was just fucking filling up some fucking pothole or something like that. No fucking way. I had to make sure you got into the ground okay.

I love you Little Brother. And while I don’t believe you will ever know anything about what I have just written, I would hope that you knew that I did my best every day to do what was best for you. And even though I don’t believe in an afterlife, I plan on being buried next to you when I eventually die, so that even in death, I can look out for you.

With so much love,

Your Big Sister