#Like cause ik ppl don’t and ik it’s irrational

[birdinabowl]

anxiety doodoo >:(((

[garoujo]

hello wonderful emmiiieee this might be a completely weird question so feel free to ignore but i was wondering how you ask for selfship comms?? like i really want one bc holy shit all of them are sooo good but idk how to ask? and i feel like ppl are gonna judge me for asking (ik this is irrational and silly)!! idk!! anyways ignore me >:3 i hope you have a lovely day <33

omg hewo tea ! omgosh don’t worry this isn’t weird or anything at all ^_^ i normally just ask like if ppl do selfships comms and if they’re like oh yeah i’m like oh are ur commissions open cause i’d like 2 comm you ! i used 2 feel super awkward about it at first but u get used 2 it < 3 then they normally just ask like for details etc if they’re open . it’s just the initial asking that’s kinda akhajaka ! have an amazing day my beloved ^3^ !

[evildnaa]

archiving thoughts

[fairycosmos]

(3/3) selfish of me to think that way and to lowkey wish she would stay single, but I mostly just wish she felt the same as I did I guess. I feel like I’m just a placeholder for the meantime until someone better/“the one” comes along. And i know she doesn’t view our friendship that way, she’s always telling me how much I mean to her and how much she loves me but in the long run I feel like essentially that’s what it’ll be because the same thing happened already with my childhood best friend.

hey luv, im sorry to hear that :/ i know it's hard when your logic and your insecurities cause such a strong internal conflict. but i think this is a matter of differing perspectives + your learned fear of abandonment, more than anything else. you said romantic relationships aren't a priority for you, which i totally understand, but it's not like that for everyone. your point of view is not allowing you to see the full picture because you both have different priorities. but ultimately it's not a personal failure to not be in love with someone. you're not somehow 'lacking' just because she wants to experience multiple types of relationships. it's not that you don't have what she's looking for, it's that the context of your dynamic is simply different. not 'lesser than', just not the same. and it doesn't mean she doesn't need/want friends, too. you don't have to be everything to her, and do everything for her, in order to be important in her life. a platonic friendship produces a certain type of love that you can't find elsewhere, and it sounds like she knows this because of how much she treasures you. there is no hierarchy and there is no number one spot, there's just the bond you have and its natural evolution. it can coexist with other bonds, it is stronger than you realize. wherever it goes, if it's meant to adapt and last, then it will. the love will remain. and either way, it's generally not a reflection of who you are as a person or anything. it sounds like you have pretty low self-esteem, and that makes it difficult not to internalise everything and measure your worth based on other people. seems like this, combined with what you've already been through, is causing you to project. you think the past is doomed to repeat and so you're trying to find warning signs in every interaction. but nothing is guaranteed, and certainly not her leaving your life entirely. does reality indicate she would? if you can recognise that you're tripping on memories, trying to fit them into the present - then you can begin to identify your unrealistic or irrational thinking patterns, which should make it easier to disregard them eventually. it may also help to talk to someone about this if possible, maybe a counselor. ik it's a scary idea, but it doesn't have to be a big deal to be open, to face yourself. doing so is the fastest way to break the cycle. it's completely natural to crave love and attention, but it's important to try to seek it in a healthy way for the sake of everyone involved. i really think discussing this will allow you you to figure out the key causes of your anxiety, which is imperative. and having the perspective of a professional who can show you how to cope changes everything if you want it to. again, ik it's daunting. and there's really no pressure, i just hope you can familiarise yourself with the idea. know that it's always there for you, and that you genuinely don't have to handle this all by yourself. above all tho, i don't think you need to feel irreversibly guilty for thinking this way, as long as you're being considerate with your words and literal actions. try to be fair and honest with her. you've been through a lot and you're defensive and scared, but you need to start taking care of your self worth in order to feel ok about intimacy and boundaries and other ppl. it's ok if it's a process, it's a life long task for everyone. but as long as you're working on it, even in little ways, then you're going to be alright. you are so much more than just 'filling up a gap until someone better comes along.' and everyone around you knows it, it's time you do to. seriously, they don't see you how you see yourself. and i think that's what all of this could be stemming from. anyway! i hope you find the support you need even if it's not all at once, and i hope you start understanding your own inherent value. i believe in you. the future will prove ur worries wrong 💘

[celestianstars]

Idk if this is ok I just need to let it out. I don’t have friends to talk to. I spend all my days alone or with my family. I have 1 friend who I talk to everyday and i appreciate him Lately We haven’t been talking a lot and he can take long time to reply Ik ppl get busy but it gets me upset that I get a lil mad at him and I talk myself into thinking he doesn’t wanna talk to me or that he’s ignoring me I get so anxious I cry sometimes about it getting upset about that isn’t ok idk how to stop it

It’s ok to let it out here, don’t worry! I’m glad you didn’t keep it bottled up cause that can make it worse.

I also wanna say that I understand how you feel. I get that way sometimes with my bf. He’s busy and he also just doesn’t text as much as I do and takes longer times to respond and I know that that’s just him and it’s perfectly fine for partners and friends not to always talk to each other but like you said sometimes I just get so insecure and anxious that he doesn’t wanna talk to me and is ignoring me because I said something wrong or am bothering him too much.

It’s a really sucky feeling, especially when you know it’s irrational and you don’t wanna feel that way but it’s almost like you can’t even stop it from happening. Sometimes no matter how much I remind myself that I knoW he’s not trying to ignore me or anything like that, I still end up talking myself into thinking exactly that like you said.

I’m still trying to figure out a way to stop that kind of thinking myself, I think you could always talk to him and he’s your friend, he’ll definitely understand. Tell him how you’ve been feeling and that maybe sometimes you just need a bit of reassurance from him that things are good cause turning those thoughts off in your own head can be almost impossible.

For me, I’m not sure if it’s the same for you, but I think it stems from that feeling of not wanting someone you’re so close to, to leave because they’re kind of all you have in a way you know. That’s hard and it worries me sometimes cause I don’t wanna be codependent so I would try putting yourself out there to make some more friends if you can, it doesn’t have to be a whole big group but having that human contact and connection with others can really do wonders even though it can be hard to do. It’s perfectly fine to be alone, I like being alone too but make sure you have people you can go to!

And hey, if you ever wanna message me here you absolutely can, any time! I’m your new friend lol, seriously tho I’m always here if you just wanna talk about anything, or need to get more stuff of your chest!

I wish I could be of more help, I’m in the same boat as you a little bit and I know this is tough but we can do this, we aren’t alone, these people we love and are friends with do care about us even if they can’t always talk to us when we need or want and dealing with a lack of friends or support or dealing with insecurities is so hard but we can push through! ♥️

[survivorpanem]

EPISODE TEN - “I’M THE JAIDEN WHISPERER “ - JC

Tribal council certainly was interesting tonight. I wonder what caused Samantha to use her onion necklace on me... I'm actually kind of pissed off that she did that, even though I had voted for her in the first place. It makes me think that that knew I had voted for her or something, which is what caused the vote to flip around. Isaac and Jordan and Andrew all really fucked up and Jordan paid the price for it. I kind of wish that someone had played their idol for Jordan just to see their reaction when Andrew ends up getting the boot, so now I'm pretty sure one of them have it. Jake missed out on a ton of stuff which wouldn't have been vastly different if he had stuck around instead of going off to exile. From now on, I won't stray from the alliance. It's pretty obvious that they all were going to wake-up and start playing only when it became convenient to them all, and that's why Jordan got voted off. They were going to use my vote for Zack against me in the future to help Zack flip against me or something? Power move, good job losers. I'm going to completely own up to voting for Sam B as soon as possible. I have no doubt that she got the same advantage that I had and checked to see if I was intending on flipping on the alliance. But wouldn't that have sent me out instead of Jordan??? Who honestly knows. It changes a lot in the game now and I'm pretty pissed off that this all went downhill as quickly as it did, because now I need to make a massive apology to Samantha for voting for her. I don't know what I'll say, but I'll need to think of something. And quick.

OK SO BITCH SO!! That tribal was i n s a n e! Zack approached me at like 9:40 telling me that my weird suspicions were right and that people were trying to make a move to take me out. Apparently Isucc/Boredan/AndrEW approached Sam Bussy asking her to vote me out. Now what worries me is that she did not tell me about them approaching her, Zack did. So she must have been at least considering it? Idk her and Isaac are relatively close and ik she was worried about whether or not Isaac would be mad at her if she voted Jordan instead of me. But anyways I'm like oh boo not today, not today! Like I was really unworried by their bumasses because I'm like girls, I have an idol, a vote negator, AND Sam told me about her blood bracelet that had to be played at that tribal, so I was just like might as well just get her to play that on me so I don't need to use anything. So like I got Sam to switch her blood thing from Jaiden to me after she used a vote sneak in order to see who Isaac really voted for and turned out he truly did vote for me! How cute. Like I don't know why these little boys came for me but they did, like I was not a threat I feel like my game has been shit but ok I guess just keep pushing me to be better huh?! Oh, and apparently Jaiden voted for Samantha to try to stir up distrust between Zack and I and cause rifts in the alliance. But then later he switched it to Andrew because he was getting nervous I guess? Idk I don't buy it but knowing Jaiden it's highly possible. But I'm like atm I want to take out Isaac/Andrew before taking out Jaiden because they both actually voted me with intents of getting me out and for that they need to go, especially as Isaac probably has an idol. Like I feel like he was gonna play it on Jordan but changed his mind last minute after Sam played her bracelet on me. and like now I'm worried because it's only f8 and I have a target on my back. Totally not what I wanted at this stage in the game! I have to really work hard to keep myself safe because my advantages don't make me invincible. I need to make FTC in this game and it's most likely going to be a f2 since jury started at f11 rifpp. I hate f2's! But yeah I just have to keep fighting and look at the bright sides, like I solidified loyalty and cleansed paranoia between my relationships with Sam and Zack, I still have an idol and I'm still fighting. My game plan honestly is to go to my sponsors and get them to buy vote sneaks for me because that would be heavily beneficial to see who's voting who.

Samantha is on my birthday shitlist, basically. I still don't trust her so I spilled the beans to JC about her maybe sorta considering voting for Zack. Also that she played the onion necklace on me. Regardless, someone knows that I voted for her. And now I'm out for blood! I will absolutely expose her vote at the next tribal council, AND I'll make I think my priority to send her right to the bottom of the alliance like she deserves at this point. Samantha if you're reading this and you're like, you're completely wrong Jaiden, then that's your fault for playing the onion necklace on me (envy) But I still love you outside of this whole game...but I still hope you get seventh place. Sorry not sorry. I'm going to CONTINUE to hammer in the idea that FLIPPERS NEVER WIN. If you flip on the alliance, enjoy losing solely because of a bitter jury :)

Me trying to escape the SNAKES who voted me last week and may try to again http://suprchnk.tumblr.com/post/152885516750

Later...

Omg poor Sam she's coming up with all these cracked out theories of where the idol could be that are actually kind of wildly accurate (she thought the idol may be hidden in the beach bc of the moodboard Amir made her having many sea themes, and it was in the beach), but the idol is in my pocket akxhxbabz. Maybe I should tell her...idk aaaa!!!

so to #catch up on my messy ass game, i was exiled for a round and apparently things got even more messy. i honestly barely understand what happened bc no one wants to give me a full story but yeah jordan lelft which was my contract thing?? no idol clue for me rip. but now i guess a lot of people want my vote which is nice. zack told me that jaiden was telling people that i was threatening bc of my comp wins in generations, neverland, and sarawak and its so annoying!! like bitch u think i have time in my life to dedicate to these immunity challenges like i could in gens when i had 24/7 of my summer dedicated to it?? bitch?? and u went against me ONCE in sarawak and look how that turned out. haha they never learn, do they? there's already talk about getting jaiden out and i'd be MORE than delighted to send his ass packing bc i literally cannot DEAL with him targeting me for no reason A G A I N!!!!! jaiden: jake won immunities in gens everyone: omg :O hes laying low… me: i literally just have no time to dedicate to this game god these fucking freaks. anyway i cant stand most of these ppl.. andrew is honestly my son and i love him so i dont want him to go. and it was nice to hear zack wants isaac and jaiden out back to back bc that protects lil andrew. i dont even talk to andrew like ever but for some reason hes the only one i trust bc ik he only has like isaac in the game. i dont trust either of the sams. especially sam g?? that girl is like killin it i feel like everyone is just following her around. have barely spoken to her but shes doing her thing. i hope i can get her out soon but literally no one wants to make a move against her. props to her i guess. i want JC gone soon, he's so transparent and fake and ldskjfghkj yeah i don't like dealing with it. i mean i'm fake right back so i mean dflksgjhdklfjgh me. unless i get lucky with immunities im gonna have to rely on keeping a low profile and telling people im doing nothing (which is partly true, i did do THAT at the allison vote). a lot of people are telling me they like me so... that's good! the more ppl who like me the better!!! i like zack a lot i hope the f3 is me zack and andrew but one can dream huh!

Soo last tribal was WILD! I was gunna just play my bracelet on Jaiden and say it was because he's always a target so to put his mind at ease for once blah blah blah but then like 15 minutes before tribal JC comes to me freaking out about people voting for him and he needs the bracelet blah blah blah, so I asked Isaac who he voted for and he told me Jordan. Then just to make sure I played my map of the arena and checked out Isaacs vote and found out THAT LYING SNAKE VOTED FOR JC!! So I played my bracelet on JC even though they only got 3 votes, Jordan got 4, and Andrew got 1. Also apparently that 1 for Andrew WAS for Sam B but then Sam looked at Jaidens vote and played her onion necklace on him meaning he can't vote for her until the final 6? Or after the final 6? Either way I was really expecting this to cause distrust in our 5 but apparently it still hasn't? I'm so shook that we're all still voting together but like maybe I'll be proven wrong tonight? We'll see. Either way we're al so dysfunctional and terrible at communication so I mean how are we doing this?? I was hoping to save Andrew and Isaac but apparently people want Andrew out. Hopefully he has an idol but he'd idol out Jaiden and not Sam B which kind of stinks. But anyways I'm waiting for more exciting stuff to happen this tribal because last time was the first exciting tribal in a while. This merge has been pretty yawn and frankly I'm part of the problem.

I wasn't going to talk about it but I need to post a confessional and the reason I'm feeling the way I am is tied into personal stuff and it won't make sense unless I explain it to you so here it goes. I've just been feeling extremely shitty about myself recently and just overall really lonely. Like in the past two weeks I've felt like my friends have been doing whatever they can not to talk to me. It's irrational but it's how I've felt. But Jordan and Samantha B were mostly there and they helped everything by just being there and talking to me. So yeah I've taken his elimination pretty hard. According to many sources Samantha B was the one who told Jc that it was them who was getting votes and caused Jordan's elimination and the idol play. I was really apprehensive about believing anyone because I thought there was no way she'd do that to me like we've became closer friends since this game started, but then she admitted to it. I'm not going to lie I'm hurt But this is a game and we're supposed to play to win so thank you Sam B for waking me up. I'm NOT going to lay down and die if I go out tonight I'll go out trying to get as far as I can. Is this the second coming of Despairsaac? Maybe. But Jesus Christ I'm tired of these people telling me what I will and will not do. Fuck them. 

I've made it so far in the game without wanting to make any big moves, so tonight I'll make one. If I get rocked out, then #legend. If I get blindsided by the entire tribe, then so be it. But I had to stand up and do something, because fifth place just wasn't going to cut it. I wanna win, damnit. People can respect someone who went against the grain and made a move, right? I surely will receive Andrew and Isaac's respect if this doesn't work out. The plan is to vote for Sam G. If she plays an idol, Andrew goes home and I look like a chump. If anyone gets pissed, they will either flip their vote to her, or they will draw rocks and leave it up to chance. Either way, I get what I want. I'll be okay with leaving tonight if that's what happens, because at least I did something... I just dont want to go 7-1 because everyone was pissed off.

Okay so truthfully this game I've felt like I'm the Jaiden Whisperer. He's like completely wild and messy in this game but I feel like I've been able to direct it to things I want, or at least work with the insanity. But it's coming to the point where he's really rubbing people the wrong way, Zack and Jakey both want to vote him and Sam Bussy probably would too if she hadn't played the onion on him. Not only that but Isaac and Andrew both wanna vote him too!! That's 4 which is enough to tie, and jaidens dumb ass might vote for Jakey instead of Isaac!! Mess omg. I totally feel bad to be campaigning for Isaac/Andrew to go, but like what choice do I have after they came for me first? I feel like it'd be dumb to vote out either jakey or Jaiden because they're both good for my game and the others are most probably not! OMFG NOW JAIDENS TALKING TO JAKE ABOUT GOING TO ROCKS WHAT IN THE FUCK OMFGGGGG KILL ME. He needs to freaking rest before his ass gets sent home!! This vote is honestly the largest fucking mess, we have Jaiden who wants to vote out Jakey, Jakey who wants to vote out Jaiden, Zack who wants to vote out Isaac only if not Jaiden, Samantha who I think wants to vote out Isaac or Andrew and Sam G who wants to vote out Samantha later but Jakey now. KILL ME WHY CANT WE JUST VOTE ONE OF ISAAC/ANDREW OUT HNNNNG I TOLD JAIDEN TO JUST STAY SEATED AND TO NOT CAUSE DRAMA WHEN HE ASKED ME IF HE SHOULD MESSAGE PEOPLE BECAUSE I KNEW EVERYONE WAS ON THEIR LAST STRAWS WITH HIM AND WHAT DOES HE DO??? DOESNT LISTEN AT ALL!! OMG I CANT HONESLEE Like bitCH WHY DID JAKEY SEND ME THIS: [12/7/16, 7:32:21 PM] j a i d e n: but I don't think I can win against my alliance and I know they're coming for you once it gets down to it [12/7/16, 7:32:40 PM] j a i d e n: you, me, Isaac, Andrew vote for one of them, and they vote for one of Andrew/Isaac FUCK IT HES LEAVING TONIGHT EVERYONE WANTS HIS HEAD ON A STICK EXCEPT PROBABLY SAM B AND FHATS JUST BECAUSE SHE PLAYED HER ONION ON HIM UGHHH I LOVE YOU JAIDEN BUT WHAT CAN I DO YOU PUSHED IT

I feel soooo bad about lying to Isaac. I really want to work with him and get Jaiden out but there just aren't numbers for that. Me, Isaac, Andrew, and Jakey is only 4. All that would do is tie it. But Jaiden has been super messy lately, especially with jakey, so hopefully Jc will read the message jakey sends him from jaiden and will realize that jaiden is a horrible player. Like honestly I love jaiden as a person but he is messy af when it comes to spilling information. And not even information, its anything. Jaiden tells so many lies, for no reason it seems like. This is just super messy. As much as I love jc and zack, I think I want to work with Isaac and Andrew from now on. But I just hope they trust me enough to let me do that.

So way too much has happened/is happening for like a paragraph based confessional, so here's a lot of bullets of whats happened bc I'm an organized hoe. -Zack wins immunity and Isaac and I are like fuck what do we do -It seemingly looks like Isaac, Sam B, and I are on the outs -We find out that it's between Isaac and I -Sam G tells me that Sam B is the one who leaked to JC that they were going so that Sam G could play her idol on them and get out Jordan -Isaac doesn't wanna believe it but Sam B sketches me out -The 3 of us still decide anyway that we need 5 votes to take out Jaiden bc that's the easiest target -Zack and I have gotten surprisingly close and he doesn't want me going -Zack wants Jaiden out -I go to Jakey and ask about getting out Jaiden and he's down -I go to bed and we seemingly have 5 votes to eliminate Jaiden -I come home today to find I'm the name being thrown around and Jaiden is the one to tell me -Sam B is being very sketchy in the alliance chat -She then admits to Isaac that she told JC they were getting votes and apologized but has ultimately lost our trust -We now don't know what the vote is going to be and scramble -Jaiden comes to Isaac and I saying he will go to rocks for me if we can get Jakey on our side -He makes a chat and the 4 of us agree to vote either Sam G or JC bc Jaiden cannot vote Sam B -We decide on Sam G so that someone may be more willing to flip on her rather than JC in a tie vote -Sam G and JC suddenly wanna work with Isaac and I again and want to vote out Jaiden who wants to help Isaac and I also -Jaiden might be doing the rocks plan more for himself/to make chaos -Jakey also makes the point that Isaac, himself, and I will be in minority next week if we vote out Jaiden -I ask him if he thinks Zack would flip to us and he doesn't think so and asks if I would sacrifice Isaac next round -I don't wanna do that and ask if Zack might flip on Sam G and JC to break up the duo at final 7 So now I'm at a conflict. Jaiden wants to go to rocks for us. But that might be to create chaos. Idk where Sam B is voting but she might be voting me but now people wanna vote Jaiden. So if it does tie and we vote with Jaiden, then it could tie between Jaiden and Sam G and then they're safe from rocks of I flip on Jaiden. So Jaiden might be doing this to save his own ass because according to Sam G, Jaiden thinks I'm voting him anyway. So I have no fucking clue what to do. We all helped build a web of lies and now everyone is running up a different thread. And it's utter chaos. And I need to make the move that I think will help me advance to the end after this if I stay tonight.

Later...

Okay I also left out that Jake revealed the rock plan to Sam G and JC, so now Sam G knows she might be getting votes and Jaiden might play his thing on me to reveal my vote before he votes and if he sees I didn't vote Sam G, then he'll be suspicious. And he might have an idol so idk. I think I'll vote Sam G anyway in the case that either Jaiden sees how I votes and pulls some sketchy shit, or the rock plan actually goes down. I asked Sam G if she cares if I vote her so Jaiden isn't sus but she doesn't wanna be potentially idoled out. I'm gonna tell her I'm throwing to Sam B, but I'll vote her anyway. I just have to to be safe. Wish me luck™.

im voting for jaiden since hes a mess and my alliance wants him gone. I'll explain more in my next confessional. im gonna take a nap