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aceparagoned · 1 year

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This is not going to be my usual post since some things have been brought to my attention that I wish to address publicly as opposed to continuing to deal with this situation privately like I have been.

I'll put this under a read more because this can get rather lengthy.

Two years ago, I was made aware that there was a callout blog (of which I can privately hand out the URL if you're truly curious since they have decided to doxx me by including my full legal name in said callout as well as misgender and deadname me left and right throughout it) about me authored by two people from a former friend group I had been a part of since I was in high school. At this time, it had been only a couple of months since I voluntarily left the group after offering that I would (even though the head mod of the group said that I was to talk to their co-mod to "figure out just what to do with me.") Looking back on it now, I fully acknowledge that I was in the wrong and that I wish I had never harmed those by my thoughtless actions, especially by being a forgetful idiot.

Throughout the callout, however, you'll see that they chose to include things from when I was nothing more than a cringy, know-it-all preteen to try to make a pattern of me being an awful person throughout my whole life. However, it's also stuff that I've long since apologized over to those who I had hurt and have tried to work on myself and my actions. I was also rightfully called out by those on anonymous communities on Dreamwidth such as wankgate, acj, and even on LiveJournal as well, all of which has helped me learn how to be a better person so that I may not repeat those same mistakes. I even commented as such in this thread.

For the more serious things that they included in the callout, such as the false rapist accusation I made against someone, I fully acknowledge that I had fucked up pretty badly during then by getting way too into things and not taking a moment to step back and think for a moment. To this day, I am still regretful of what I did and frankly wish I had never done that in the first place. Another serious topic the callout authors included was that I plagiarized someone's character in the past, of which I've long since retired the character and have not written them since then.

During the entire time that I've been writing this post, I've been actively trying to log in to my old Dropbox account where I know I have logs of where I've since apologized for my actions (the false rapist accusation as well as the individual listed on my archived LiveJournal post), but thankfully, I do have the private plurk I made six years ago apologizing for the plagiarism as evidence for this. If I manage to get back into my Dropbox account, I'll update this post with further evidence of my apologies.

You may also see in the reblogs of my callout two people that say they have further evidence on me. These two individuals are my ex and a former friend of mine. What they may not want to say is that my ex was caught cheating on me back while we were still together and the only way I found out was through an old group text message on my old phone where everyone I was friends with at the time thought to keep it a secret from me. My ex had even said that she "planned on telling me at some point" and since then, I had the constant reminder of her cheating on me in the form of her husband joining our voice calls on Discord and the like for almost two years. I decided that enough was enough and cut all ties with her because I couldn't keep pretending that things were fine between us when they weren't. Not only that, but in the PS4 chat that I had wanted to stay private between us, she had her friend join in and listen to our conversation. And this friend of hers said that, in a poor "'attempt'" to comfort me, that "I'd find someone whose demons will tangle with mine." I've since ceased all contact with them and haven't even played anything on my PS4 in years since I got my PC.

UPDATE: While I have not been successful in logging into my Dropbox account, I did come across this thread on my old Dreamwidth account with the person I had falsely accused. I'm still in the process of trying to get back into my Dropbox, though, so stay tuned for that.

Another allegation that the callout authors accused me of was being racist when referring to the color of my grandfather's skin. I stated it was olive since our family immigrated from Italy sometime in the 1800s, and it's not just him that has it. It's also my two uncles, his brothers, who have the same skin tone that he does as well as my aunt, my mom's sister. Now, lemme make something clear -- I simply don't have a single racist bone in my body. My mom taught in Buffalo, NY, where there were more African American children than any other ethnicity during her time as a teacher. She took me to conferences with the local NAACP chapter as well as on a trip to learn more about black history. This was all done as in my early childhood, too, which is something I'm deeply appreciative of her doing.

Another topic that was included was my treatment of my mother. This is something that I have also acknowledged that I was in the wrong for and it's something that we both have been actively working on with not just each other, but also medication on both of our parts. Both my mom and myself, especially when I was growing up, weren't the best when it came to maintaining a house and I do acknowledge that I should have helped her around the house more than I did as a kid, especially when she was a single mom working sometimes well into the night just to support the both of us. The both of us have depression, which contributed to us having a hoarded house that caused the both of us stress with not just one another, but also with our family. However, we've made great strides in our relationship to where I can confidently say that things are much better between us and have been able to maintain a clean house for years.

What I don't think was included in the callout is how I've been going to therapy and getting myself on some much needed medication. Back in August 2014, I scheduled a first time appointment with a doctor to get myself back on track because I knew that I sorely needed help for my depression before it got too severe to deal with. A good number of antidepressants were tried with some providing better results whereas others didn't work as well. I got myself into regularly scheduled therapy as well as seeing a psychiatrist up until I moved in June 2018, then continued my therapy and medication arrangement in Florida with thanks to my step-grandma and aunt for helping me find a place to go to for both therapy and psychiatry.

I'd like to think that I've since made great strides as far as my behavior and conduct are concerned, but as always, I know there's room for improvement, so I never say that I'm perfect or anything. I also know that since the callout went up, there have been other instances where I've made mistakes as well, however I am actively doing my best to learn from what I've done and continue on my path of being a better person overall. I will make mistakes, but I am always open to criticism so that I may continue to improve upon myself.

Thank you very much for reading this post.

#☆ OUT OF UNIFORM → downtime is necessary even for a hero tasked with so much; remember to take a break for yourself.#☆ PSA → hey listen! this is some important stuff here!#*ooc: please don't reblog this -- I just wanted to get this up since I felt like I had to say at least something on the matter #this took... a lot of time to articulate my thoughts and I hope it sounds alright ;klfjdgs #please let me know if it doesn't sound alright and I'll work on editing it

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sarahr0gers · 4 months

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tag dump part 1 !

#edits ʚ ♥︎ ɞ turns out i make things sometimes.#jj ʚ ♥︎ ɞ imma sit and smoke a joint. puff puff pass lovelies.#psa ʚ ♥︎ ɞ hey listen up! this is some important shit!#positivity ʚ ♥︎ ɞ nothin but good vibes man.#promos ʚ ♥︎ ɞ come join the smoking circle.#self promo ʚ ♥︎ ɞ just some shameless plugging.#crack ʚ ♥︎ ɞ in all fairness . . . i was probably high.#games ʚ ♥︎ ɞ ooh i love games!#prompts ʚ ♥︎ ɞ is that a weed?!

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nursetosoldier · 4 months

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tag dump part 1 !

#jj ✡ imma sit and smoke a joint. puff puff pass lovelies.#psa ✡ hey listen up! this is some important shit!#promos ✡ come join the smoking circle.#self promo ✡ just some shameless plugging.#positivity ✡ nothin but good vibes man.#crack ✡ in all fairness . . . i was probably high.#edits ✡ turns out i make things sometimes.#games ✡ ooh i love games!

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sanriolovinglittle · 6 months

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Steps for being a parent to enforce on kids EQUALLY:

I’ll add more later but so far:

I’ll praise them for good behavior or grades etc but scold or punish or whatever for inappropriate behavior or grades (unless it’s a C or something then I’ll just help but C’s are NOT the end of the world. Also if they’re autistic or have any other mental disability then the behavior is a different story)

If my children ever have trauma no one’s trauma will be invalidated compared to others if they’re both or all traumatized which I’ll try to prevent but shit happens like CSA and stuff

I’ll never doubt them when they come out and be with them on their gender/sexuality discovery journey

Taking devices and stuff away no matter the age as long as 10+ (cos that’s when they get devices that aren’t tv)

Taking devices away (tablets or tv) and no sleepovers/school clubs/events or going to friends houses for some amount of time depending on their crime for 11-12

For 13-15 id take away devices like phones computers tablets tv allat and also ground them from going out or calling anyone and stuff obvi and no school events or clubs or anything including sports and stuff like drama club plays etc it’s their fault the teams suffering without them (or maybe doing better? I don’t know)

For 16-17 the above and for 17 id lecture them but stronger than i obviously would with younger kids and also not let them see their gf/bf/lover

18+ ain’t my child their my adult offspring do whatever tf u want just don’t get me involved in your satanic arsonist protesting cult propaganda and whatnot (NO COS SLAY THATD BE MY FAVE CHILD)

Jk because I don’t support the idea of favoritism

Only keep things for the age (ex. 12+ games for 12+ even with youngest/middle/oldest kids)

Appropriate parental controls

At 14+ maybe 13, kids can go out to places near home and Friends houses and maybe farther with bikes as long as they tell me who what where why

At ages 11+ friends house without me there (maybe 10 if really trusted)

At ages 3+ play dates with me there

At ages 12+ sleepovers as long as I’ve met parents and know general shit about em

At age 9+ sleepovers if i know parents EXTREMELY well

Soda and lotsa sugar at 10 or 11+

A lil sugar (one cookie, a slice of cake, etc) at 5+

Little baby food cookies and stuff from 2 or 3-4

Caffeine at 13+

Curfew from 11-13: 5:00-6:00pm (maybe 6:30 depends on child maturity)

Curfew for 14-15: 8:00pm depending on the season and when it gets dark (if winter and/or it gets dark earlier than probably like 6-7 pm, 7:20 at latest)

Curfew for 16-late 16 or 17: 9pm or 9:30-10pm depending on who they’re with and where and when and allat stuff (prob not 17 but yk maturity)

Curfew to 17+: idc i PROBABLY trust them mk? But sometimes there’s THAT kid yk who i mean

R rated shows for 17 or maybe 16+

X rated shows for 18+ obvi

NR/unrated shows I’d have to watch first cos those can get weird/racy/etc

TV-14 for 13+ but maybe just 12 or 11 depending on the show

PG-13 for 12+ and maybe just 11 but like i said it depends on what it is

PG shows/movies for like 10 or 9+ but it depends on the show/movie

TV-Y7 is for like 6-7+

G is for everyone most often but sometimes it’s a lil like ‘wow okay this is a kids movie’ *cough incredibles 2 and shrek cough* (they’re pg but still damn some parts are like 🤨 *vine boom*)

Lights out and devices off and preparing to sleep for 10 and younger (which like i said b4 would be just tv..) is 8:15 pm, 8:30 at the latest FOR SURE

for 11-12 is 8:45-9:15 pm

for 13-14 it’s 9:30-10:15 pm (maybe an all nighter for hw or something if truly needed)

For 15-16 it’s 10:15 pm-12:00 am because sometimes you need to pull an all nighter for assignments

17+ idc just get sleep and don’t be on your screens too long mk??

When I expect my child to get a car is at the latest 17 but I understand shit happens

id mostly like to keep my baby off the road if they’re really allat terrible at driving and by the time they’re 17 if they’ont got a vehicle they can travel with they best not expect my flat ass to be pulling up

By 18 ima be kinda shocked but yeah you do you boo

I expect my kid to be tryna get a job by 15-16 especially 16 and DEFINITELY best have one by 17 cos car!!

If my kid is excited about getting a job at 14 they gonna work to find that shit but if they find one then you go guy/gal/nonbinary pal

If my kid doesn’t have a job anytime between 18-23 they can stay with me but by 24 they WILL be trying because they could at least work at McDonald’s and get better jobs from there with college and stuff

I absolutely will pay for college if I got the money but I’ll have a college fund that I save money in just in case but NOT their birthday money that’s shitty af i saw a story about someone where they said that happened their whole life and birthday money and Christmas money is for binge shopping at target and hot topic and shit mk??

THEY CAN TAKE THE SCHOOL BUS BY 10

They can take the public bus by 14 maybe 13 depends

They will take self defense classes at 9 cos you never know like tai quon do (idfk how to spell that shit help)

If they’re into ballet or sports or WHATEVER i WILL sign them up for whatever I can if j can afford it

Not too much tho cos I don’t want them burnt out or sad or overwhelmed or anything

I will love my future kids after all <3

If they ever wanna quit something I’ll talk to them and ask why and stuff and if it’s something silly like not feeling good enough or something I’ll give em a good pep talk and maybe let them take a break if it’s possible to go back after but if they truly want or need to quit then they got it

Cos i love em <3 (almost accidentally typed me 😀🫡 which isn’t true as much as id like it to be but I’ve been happier so 🥳)

I will NEVER invalidate their feelings and tell them they feel something else or something they feel is wrong cos imagine that that’s so shitty just imagine wait my mom doesn’t have to 😘

I’ll always make time for them and I’ll destroy all the oldest middle and youngest sibling traumas by treating everyone good and FAIR (take notes mom and other parents)

If they’re not happy and/or they think they’re depressed I’ll listen I’ll get em therapy antidepressants everything and if they ever attempt or sh or anything like that I’ll be there supporting em all the way

If they’re not cis or hetero or whatever I’ll support them

If they’re intersex I’ll support em

If they’re a surprise baby when I’m younger than I wanna be I’ll support em

If they get an addiction (alcohol, drug, etc) I’ll support em

If they treat their gf/wife/kids bad I’ll be very disappointed even if they’re an alcoholic or anything and I’ll comfort the family they hurt and stuff unlike my paternal grandparents did with my mom, they just sided with my father

#psa to parents #bad parenting #parenting #motherhood #parent goals #for parents #parents #important psa #this is a public service announcement #this has been a psa #listen up #serious

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hohuios · 1 year

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Tag drop: 1/2

#[ ooc. ] marconi plays the mamba; listen to the radio. don't you remember? we built this city. we built this city on rock and roll.#[ ic. ] beginnings always end. that's the rule. it may be sad but looking gloomy just 'cause it's the end isn't my thing.#[ answered: ic. ] cash up front? this i like. the water needs turning on and those toilets need flushing.#[ answered: ooc. ] 'not gonna die' my ass. that bitch slap nearly killed me.#[ psa. ] it's not about loss. strength is a choice: fighting like hell to protect what's important.#[ saved. ] keep it. / i thought it meant a lot to you? / that's the only kind of gift worth giving. i want to entrust it to you; so i am.#[ prompts / memes. ] whatever. i don't really care. i'm just gonna sit this one out.#[ crack. ] perfect timing. the rest of this show is adults only.#[ salt. ] you can hide that body but that smell... hoo! there's no covering that up.#[ et cetera. ] what do you think after looking at your father's image? / it's like staring into a backed up toilet.#[ self promotion. ] it was your idea to work apart wasn't it? / are you pouting? maybe you're lonely being all on your own.#[ promotions. ] i'm impressed! those are two of the most badass women in the world. i only know one other guy who can defeat them.#[ v: dmc1. ] those eyes... deep in them i see the same light as in sparda's eyes. / why my mother?#[ v: tas. ] didn't you hear me? i'm studying. i may take the odd job here and there; but i've got on desire to babysit some brat.#[ v: dmc2. ] a false coin for a false god.#[ v: dmc3. ] and now my soul is saying it wants to stop you. / unfortunately… our souls are at odds; brother.#[ v: dmc4. ] well; if the kid screws up. then i'll just have to kick his ass.#[ v: dmc5. ] this is… special. / special? okay. / this demon is your reason. your reason for fighting.

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anadiasmount · 6 months

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we’re pretending? - jude bellingham x reader.

quick sum: no date to an upcoming wedding, you use your best friend as last resort. what happens when your best friend isn’t playing pretend anymore and you’re left conflicted with these unusual feelings…

wc: 4.6 k | masterlist | jude’s masterlist

psa 🗣️: i used my og ‘glory box’ fic to get some inspo while writing this fic ngl!! 😣 this was so fun to write not only by the trope but the DRAMAAAA!! like always, hope you enjoy! 🤍

“yes mom, i know. i picked my dress up yesterday, and my flight is booked as well,” you sighed and rolled your eyes knowing she wouldn’t be able to see you through the phone. she knew how important this wedding was but she kept putting the pressure on you. it was the last thing you needed especially after you told her you’d bring someone along.

that someone was now you’re ex-boyfriend. you had less than 48 hours to come up with an excuse or show up alone.

"are you still bringing your plus one?" she asked, the line going silent for a few seconds before she spoke up again. "y/n? are you there?" you should've just lied or said the truth, all you could think of was how happy and super excited she was when you told her you'd met someone and began dating.

"yes mom... we both will be there," you closed your eyes, disappointment in yourself filling the void in your head. you could hear her squeal in the background, telling a voice there with her about the good news. you chewed on your lip anxiously, wanting to cut the call or else you'd break down.

"listen mom, i have t-to go okay? ill call you tomorrow. try not to stress so much," you smiled weakly hearing an "i love you", ending the call after gifting your goodbye. there was no avoiding the mistake you had committed. you wanted to slap some common sense into yourself, because where the hell were you about to find someone?

you clearly remembered the day telling your mom you'd met someone at uni. she was over the moon and wanted to tell everyone but you dismissed the idea, not wanting to rush since you had recently met. you would call her and tell her about him, and she listened so attentively, just like in the movies.

you couldn't bring yourself to tell her when you and max had broken up. your whole life has always been surrounded by being told you needed to be more like your older sister, the pressure of being a golden child laid on you. for once you had something, but that had to get ruined as well.

the scolding, the perfect grades, friends, hell even family. you had to be so careful and live up to their expectations. you loved them, you did, but at times you just felt like moving away was the best idea. and you did just that, the first to move out to a new country, breaking records at uni, and even finding a suitable job.

your boss loved you, and coworkers admired you for the passion and dedication you carried. so why did it have to go all wrong with max? you had an image of him in your head that he was madly in love with you, though you'd later be proven wrong when you found out he was sleeping with his boss. finding them in the act on your 6th month anniversary.

you still can recall the feeling of being unable to breathe, their screams and his pleading going quiet as you could just stare into the room, not once being able to see his eyes. disgust, and rage, but mostly sadness, a heavy heart, and the lump in your throat. he hurt you terribly and you would forever resent that.

after the call, you sat quietly on the couch, hands in your hair as you thought about everything. looking around seeing your bags packed, the blue dress hanging by your room, pictures everywhere. you hated to admit but you were living in a hell, life messy and a disaster. your buzz ringed, seeing through the tiny camera your best friend jude in the frame.

you allowed him in, walking over to the large mirror and wiping away the dry tears, making yourself look more presentable. you looked worn out, eyes droopy and low, lips slightly chapped, and to make matters worse a zit on your chin. you exhaled a breath, keys jiggling as jude came in.

he set his training bag down, took his shoes off, and walked to you, giving you a small hug. "you look terrible," you gave him a warning look, "but lucky you, i brought us food," he spoke cheerfully, the mood inside you going from gloomy to content. "it's raining like crazy, i almost fell coming up. also i brought some packages and your mail," jude continued.

"thank you, i haven't had the time to go down and pick them up! i've been so busy packing and planning last-minute stuff," you groaned, going to the kitchen and washing your hands. "watch, in the next few minutes i'm going to get a call," you theorized. jude pulled out the food and served it into your plates as you grabbed a water for him and a soda for yourself.

"how was training?"

jude shrugged unimpressed, "same old. didn't really have to go in, but they needed me for a small campaign shoot, so i had no choice. also cama and tchou send their hello's."

you and jude spoke amongst yourself. just about each other's days and catching up from the last time you guys were together. you teased him about losing a bet with his little brother, jude whining about how he cheated. new music that came out, and a pop up store that opened lower in downtown.

"so what's got your head in a twist?" jude sipped on his last few ounces of water, leaning his head on his propped-up arm and hand. you awkwardly scratch the back of your neck, pick up the dirty dishes, and walk to the sink. "okay don't make fun of me-"

"you're basically asking me too... also no promises since you just made fun of me for losing against jobe," jude chuckled.

"jude."

"oh it's serious then... what did you do?" he saw the serious look on your face, a small worry constructing in his chest because he rarely saw you like this. you close your eyes, feeling the anxiety build in you once again, "i told my mom i was still bringing max..."

jude scoffed in denial, or trying to cope with the confusion, "y/n, you what?"

"i know! i know! i should've just confessed and coughed up the truth but i- i couldn't! she was so excited jude! i feel terrible for lying believe me i do, but after telling her about him and filling her with hope to break her heart, i just c-c-couldn't," you ramble, dishes clattering as you freaked out.

in your head it didn't seem as bad, but fully saying it out loud to jude, seemed even worse. jude grimaced, knowing you had messed up bad especially since the wedding was right around the corner. "i'm just embarrassed... i know they will start something and just talk down on me if i showed up alone."

jude knew how heavy-handed your family could be, often wanting to resent them because he cared for you so much. he saw how physically and mentally they could rain you even with the smallest sentence. they seemed so worried with their lives instead of the ones they should most value and care for.

jude gave you a concerned face, "what?" chuckling nervously when you gasped out, almost being able to see the lit-up light bulb on top of your head. "jude, I'm a genius!"

"well i beg to differ-"

"shut up," you pat your finger against your chin, a mischievous smile on your lip taunting jude's concern even more. "i don't know why i didn't think of this sooner! why don't you pretend to be my boyfriend? just for the wedding that's it!"

jude shook his head, hands coming up to back out of the idea. it was one thing you lying, but now asking you to play pretend was something totally different. "that's not a good idea y/n..." jude clenched his teeth forcing a smile. "oh cmon why not?"

"well, first of all, that's an even bigger lie to your mom. second, pretending would seem impossible. third, i don't want the first time meeting your parents to be a lie because of what happened," jude defended and stated his case.

"it's a huge favor but you'd save my life jude! one weekend and that's it! you have plenty of suits, you're also off this weekend, and they would never suspect a thing! please jude! i wouldn't be asking if i wasn't so desperate," you begged, seeing the hesitation in his eyes.

"it seems like a bad idea... you don't know what you're asking for y/n... were pretending to be a couple when were not! we have to make it believable even under the pressure of the wedding. a theatrical play, a stunt!" jude exclaimed standing up from his chair.

"jude please, please, please! it might feel weird but it's for the night only! after that, we go back to the good old y/n and jude," you followed him as he paced in your living room thinking of his answer. would it be back to normal even if he continued to feel the same for you? the unknown loving feeling he had for you?

the pretending would be hard when all he could hardly think of was you. how he felt recently and how nervous he got around you. he would do anything for you in a heartbeat, but this would break jude further than now. he couldn't fake pretend holding your hand, or kissing your cheek when he meant and wanted to do that with you currently.

as bad as the idea was, here he was hugging you as you cheerfully yelped when he agreed. time moved slowly for him, the sensation of regret and curiosity as what was yet to come from both of you. all he cared for was to make sure you were happy, and if faking being your boyfriend would help you, he was willing to do it, no matter the consequences.

as jude was fixing his hair, you finished setting your makeup with some powder and setting spray. nerves bubbling in you after the first test you encountered last night after your arrival. you let out a laugh at the tiny bed you had to share with jude. seeing his uneasy face even after he offered to sleep on the couch.

"we're running on schedule," you spoke, finishing clasping your jewelry around your hands and rings. jude came behind you, his shirt unbuttoned and abs in full view, as he finished zipping his pants. best friend or not, there was no denying how incredibly sexy jude was. the name should speak for itself, but with the looks and personality he had, it was too good to be true.

"need some help?" he asked seeing you nod slowly and looking down at your feet. he took the necklace, your skin on fire as his fingertips grazed your skin accidentally, almost jumping on the spot, goosebumps grazing your body. he clasped the necklace, grabbing the pendent and fixing it so it laid in the middle. "perfect," he cockliy smirked.

"thank you."

"are you almost ready?" he looked at you as he buttoned up his shirt, you almost stuttered but regained consciousness, "yes, just need to put my dress and shoes on," you turned back quickly furrowing your brows, wanting to slap yourself for allowing yourself to get carried away, or maybe at the uneasy desire in you when seeing jude.

you went to the bathroom, grabbing the lacy undergarments and the blue dress. the color was to die for, the perfect length even with your heels on, the opened back with the front just showing the perfect amount of cleavage, and the whole dress just accentuating your body even more.

you felt the need to throw some water in your face though you couldn't or else it would ruin your makeup. you settled with fanning yourself with your hand, the tense in your chest getting to you as it was becoming real now. you were just pretending with jude. nothing more right?

you looked in the huge light-up mirror, and suddenly the confidence you had dripped away as you thought of jude in the next room over. why did all of a sudden everything feel like it wasn't before? as in, things changed drastically since the night at your apartment? you've never felt this clumsy or as edgy around him.

when you woke up this morning, with jude on top of you laying peacefully, you couldn't help but feel overjoyed, as if it was a natural state and you've done it before. in your own world where the only thing that mattered was him and you. since then you were slightly freaked out, butterflies in your chest when he left or walk into the room.

jude double taked a look as you walked into the room again. the tiny room that felt like a joke to him after walking in hand to hand last night. his eyes roamed you, lips slightly separated as he admired your beauty, heart hammering in his chest. he watched as you grabbed your cheeks, immediately offering to help.

he leaned down, gently grabbing your foot and placing the white jeweled heel on you. your hands were clamped around the small bench cushions, jude looking up then and there to make sure they felt comfortable. once again, his touch felt like fire, playing with your head even more.

when he finished clasping the heel, he extended his hand helping you up. "you look absolutely gorgeous y/n... this dress was made for you," jude croaked, hearing you laugh shakily. "thank you jude. likewise," jude smiled at your reaction, "i mean as in you look super handsome with the suit, not a dress!" you explained.

"i think i got what you meant..." he joked, his eyes roaming uo and down again at you. "good. good. shall we head out?" you swallowed heavily, grabbing your purse, phone, and other stuff you needed for the night. you were in a rush, wanting to get some fresh air or you would explode in the room with jude inside. "lead the way y/n."

jude helped you in an out of the cab, his hand on your bare back as he guided you to the double doors leading into the reception. "how are you feeling? any nerves?" you spoke quietly to him, looking around as people were taking their seats or had their own conversations.

"some but not too many. like you said, it's just for today," he whispered along your ear, gently giving your shoulder a kiss as his hands went to your hips and walked you forward. your mom and aunt gasped, grabbing their dresses and walking towards you, almost sprinting. "here goes nothing," you say.

"oh my god! so you are real!" your mom yelped, making you give her a glare and eyes pleading not to make a scene. "i was starting to think my sweet y/n was lying to me about this boyfriend she had," you almost choked on your saliva, clearing your throat at her words. "i am y/n's mom, what is your name?"

"i'm jude. it's a pleasure to finally meet you ma'am," jude shook her hand and leaned down to kiss her cheeks in a greeting manner, the same with your aunt. jude's hand interlocked with yours, the happiness in your mother's eyes never leaving, almost tearing up at the sight of you with your "boyfriend."

"i can't believe it! it's a miracle, my daughter finally has her first boyfriend," she clapped her hands making you wretched at her choice of wording. you did everything to have her at least praise you once in life, and all it took was to have a boyfriend? you brushed away the glum feeling, jude kissing your hand, distracting you from the small burn in your eyes.

"oh my! look at them! they make such a beautiful pair," your aunt gleamed. "we do, don't we?" jude teased them, "took her a while to say yes to me, but i'm very fortunate to be here," jude resumed. "we're very pleased to have you here, anything you need don't hesitate to ask."

after saying hello to other family friends and cousins, you sat for the ceremony. jude wiped a small tear away after your old school friend finished her vows, slapping his shoulder when he made a small joke about your mascara running. "its not funny! the vows were so beautiful," you said.

"it's like we are watching me before you again," he said making you gasp. "jude what are talking about? you literally cried with me?" you recalled laughing, jude looking around scared if someone was hearing you. "please don't remind me... in my defense, i didn't see that ending at all."

after the ceremony, you and jude greeted other families, and most importantly congratulated the bride and groom. their faces ushered with happiness, overall content with how their day was turning out. you had to excuse yourself from jude at one point, your mom dragging you away for your help. jude was left behind with your dad.

"since she was little, she always hated getting thrown or dragged around," your father spoke, taking a sip of his whiskey. "seems like nothing had changed?" jude asked carefully with a playful smile. "oh not even close! it's my wife doing," he winked.

"jude right?"

"yes sir," jude nodded, presenting the dad talk coming up. "I'm gonna save the unnecessary talk and get straight to the point. it's so weird to see my baby girl all grown up, with the lusting and loving eyes she gives you. you love her very much and i can see that which is why i'm not worried about you hurting or losing her trust."

hell if jude didn't feel guilty before, he did now. he gripped the glass harder, nodding to your dad who looked upset. "she may have told you some stuff about us, but at the end of the day, she's my daughter and i love her the way she is... please just take good care of her for me... she been through enough as it is..."

"i only have good intentions and i promise you i won't ever break her heart," jude promised to your dad, but also himself. he would never be able to forgive himself if he ever did break your heart or make you lose the trust you had. max did it once and jude would never do it. even if it meant keeping away these long feelings for you.

when you returned you saw them laughing and chatting away, your heart full of emotions at them getting along. jude was so mature for his age, and it didn't come to a surprise when he got along with your dad so fast. his hand would naturally lay on your back or on your hip.

the next few hours were filled with more people dancing or chatting away. jude insisting you sat on his lap for a picture when the photographer passed, smiling wide, looking like a happy couple. it seemed so natural to you, being this close and intimate you were getting scared at how fast everything was being thrown at you.

"i had to see it for myself! y/n bagging a footballer? never saw that coming," your cousin approached you giving you a high as he dabbed up jude. "jude meet my cousin adrian, he's a huge fan of you, and just successfully signed with a small club," you introduced them to each other, with a huge grin on your face.

jude’s hand snuck around your waist, his thumb drawing shapes as his full attention was with your cousin who spoke about sports. you listened then and there, but your feet began to ache, switching your weight back and forth uncomfortably.

jude was quick to notice, leaving down to your level and asking if you were okay. “i’m fine i promise, these shoes are killing me that’s all,” you reassured with a smile, jude nodding before cutting the conversation after a few minutes. “i’m going to get her a chair and drinks for us,” you froze when he kissed your temple, “i’ll see you around later,” jude said his goodbyes dragging you along slowly.

like before, your chest beat faster, if he stared, smiled, even touched or got near you, you’d get nervous immediately. the familiar string of falling for someone filling the empty space left behind inside you. he was super good at pretending and it didn’t feel like that anymore.

it felt real. was he just pretending? or was he actually taking this fake relationship seriously and real?

all you could do was stare at his face, mostly his gorgeous brown eyes as he helped you get seated and served you some water, making sure you were fully okay. he sat next to you, his hand interlocking with his, and placing it on his lap as he paid attention to his surroundings. you become quiet, so into your head and questioning his every move now.

“jude?” you spoke softly, a confused smile on your face as he immediately turned to you with a soften gaze. you inhaled a breath, unable to look away from him, his ínstese state causing you to feel intimidated. “is everything okay?” he asked, leaning slightly over to you, pushing a small string of hair back. “is it supposed to feel like this?”

“what is?” jude shook his head not understanding.

“us? why am i getting the idea we’re no longer pretending…”

jude tore his gaze from yours, the panic growing more intense when he wouldn't reply back. "jude please... don't push me away. are we just pretending or has something changed?" you persisted, your hand gliding against his back to get his attention. jude debated, afraid of losing you right here and now, or having the possibility to maybe hear you feel the same way.

"come with me," jude demanded, helping your and dragging you to the dance floor where no one could really see you besides the other happy couples. his hands circled your waist, as yours went to his shoulders, unable to look away from him. "tell me i'm not the only one who feels it..."

"tell me what you feel y/n... what your head is begging to scream out..."

"i can't, i don't know jude. i'm afraid yet so confused? since we got here yesterday things feel different between us. it happened again when we had breakfast, when you put my necklace on, my heels! all of this is giving me mixed signals jude... i haven't felt this in so long.." you confess, a shaky breath escaping your lips when he pulls you closer and kisses your head.

"like now. i can't if you just did that out of pretending or because it came naturally to you. i've never had to worry about what you think till recently... it feels strange... yet ican't help but get hope that it means real," you rest your forehead on his shoulder blinking away the tears that slowly begin to let out.

jude could see how this was affecting you, holding your lower body with one hand and the other smoothing down your spine, feeling how you immediately let loose and relaxed by his praise and touch. jude could also feel the heavy weight beginning to feel heavier if he kept his true hidden feelings away. it was a sign, and there was no going back.

jude's hand cradled your chin, forcing you to look up at his, his brown eyes gazing over your teary face. he was truly amazed and so in love with you it made his head feel cloudy, almost dizzy, at how perfect and pure you were. his tummy fluttering at his gorgeous girl who was confused at how she felt... but in this moment jude knew you were in deep as well.

"tell me something, when you see me, does it make your heart race, like i'm the only person standing there?" you nod, "does your head tell you one thing but your gut tells you another when you see me?" you nod again, this time blowing the air out of jude's lungs. "my head tells me i shouldn't, but my gut tells me i waited so long that maybe it's now to late for us..."

"why would it be too late y/n...?" you shrug your shoulders. "because i don't you feel the same way i'm feeling." jude smiled weakly, his thumb brushing along your jaw, hearing your hum in delight, "how can you know when you haven't asked me?"

your eyes search his for any sign but you don't find any, "what are you feel in this moment jude?"

"that i'm the luckiest man to be here with you tonight," he says proudly, "that i don't think we've wasted any time, rather i feel we're barely getting started on this new branch of our lives... i can't pretend when i'm with you... because pretending to hide how i feel has been so hard, when all i want is you. all of you y/n..."

"i had to see you go through that idiot max, how he hurt you? when you were hurt i was even more devastated because i couldn't protect you. i'd do anything to make you happy or laugh because it's what i want to do. i want to be the only one who gets to do that. i promised your dad but myself also, ask me what the promise is..." jude insisted.

"what's your promise jude?"

"that i'd never break your heart or give you a reason to doubt me. that from this day forward, i completely will give you my all to care and relish our love once and for all. i'm tired of waiting and holding back of what should've existed and started when i first met you."

"jude-"

"i want to give you my all, to be devoted and in love with you forever. you have no idea what you make me feel, think! i wake up longing for you, at work, at my own home. you're the only girl i want and need in my life y/n," jude confessed, the weight finally lifted of his shoulders, now being able to feel like a free man.

you closed your eyes, breathing out a happy chuckle in relief. you sniffled, "you've ruined me jude, completely ruined me with your words, your confession! look at me, i'm worse than when we finished watching the vow!" you joked, hand nestling on the nape of his next, stroking his soft skin.

"you love me jude?"

"more than what you think."

"i need you to know i'm giving you my all as well. I've always sensed how different what we had was, and come to find out, i was just scared and felt the need to push away because you didn't feel the same way. what i feel for you never happened with who shall not be named..." jude chuckles, closing his eyes and swallowing a heavy gulp like you.

"i'm so hopelessly in love with you jude bellingham... so in love, i want to grow old with you, make every promise we said out loud come true. i knew i loved you as soon as we laid eyes, and you stumbled over your words," jude squinted his eyes, shaking his head embarrassed. "kiss me jude."

jude kissed you exactly how he dreamed. your lips soft and sweet as he imagined, even better. cradling your chin to tilt and pulling the kiss deeper. it felt so right, so amazing, so passionate. he was lost, his tongue entering your parted lips when you let out a small gasp and whimper. there was no more pretending, this was more real than ever.

"could get lost in how you taste. how you feel. i love you so much angel."

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