#ME WHEN I'M EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO TALKING ELEMENTS OF NATURE

[mikqchoux]

the moon will sing

[tossawary]

So, Force-users in "Star Wars" appear to have their telepathy and empathy powers mostly only when it's convenient for the plot. (And obviously different characters naturally have different natural talents and different trained skills.) The "Jedi Apprentice" series that I am slowly trying to read introduces more concrete telepathic elements than the vagueness of the films, such as both intentional and UNINTENTIONAL mental bonds between characters.

And it keeps making me thinking about the accidental Force bonds that must often exist between young Force-sensitives and their non-sensitive parents. (Note: This post is mainly about Anakin Skywalker and Xanatos witnessing the violent deaths of their respective parents.)

I used to do a lot of casual reading on toxic and abusive relationships, because I stumbled on a quote from some book and thought that it was just fascinating from a character perspective (I did also use that information for reflection on other stuff, but that's not relevant here). Children usually become deeply attached and attuned to their guardians, even if those guardians are intentionally cruel, or even if those guardians have toxic behaviors because they are stressed and a little self-absorbed or whatever. Children spend the early years of their life with no way out and just trying to survive by keeping their parent (who provides them with that survival) happy. People in abusive relationships are often made to feel responsible for the reactions of their abuser. They often have panicked instincts that demand fight or flight or freeze or fawn reactions to someone getting upset with them.

(I am summing up a LOT of stuff, I know! Unhealthy relationships are very complicated and varied! People all react differently. I'm trying to quickly establish a few points to make a later point here.)

Even adult children trying to establish boundaries with their toxic parents often meet a great deal of resistance, and are sometimes accused of being disloyal and ungrateful and disrespectful and sometimes even abusive themselves, just for doing things like asking their parents not to show up without calling first, because their emotionally immature parents regard any sort of disagreement or conflict as harmful to them and their authority. A lot of adult children talk about the mental struggle that comes with learning how to stand up for themselves against their parents, whether that parent has been intentionally or unintentionally abusive.

Which has all made me think about how much worse any relationship could get if one side of it has telepathy and empathy. Especially if that side of it is a child who doesn't know it! And the parent probably doesn't know about this either!

The Jedi Order is already kind of set up so that a cruel or neglectful Master could potentially do a lot of damage (a few months, at least) to a Padawan before hopefully being caught. Being able to literally feel your abusive Master's intentionally projected / focused disappointment or anger sounds nightmarish for a child. Most Jedi who are decent people shield themselves and do not project negative emotions at vulnerable / impressionable children, but we know from canon that there are plenty of Jedi who fail at being decent people.

(And oh, man, everything about Sith training sounds SO BAD. The mental and emotional damage that can intentionally be done by a Force-user projecting bad vibes is truly off the charts.)

Non-Force-sensitive guardians probably won't have any kind of mental shielding. Even if the guardian is outwardly the nicest parent in the world, it has to be hard that your child is (potentially) apparently constantly unhappy, and you won't know that it's because they are telepathically sensitive to all of your internal tiredness and anger and sadness. There would be no emotional privacy. And if the life situation is bad for the family, then that child is potentially going to grow up being hyperaware of the mental and emotional states of everyone around them, knowingly or unknowingly using the Force, because being able to read the room like that has been imperative to their survival.

Shmi Skywalker seems to be a remarkably even-keeled person for her circumstances. I headcanon her as being (perhaps unconsciously) Force-sensitive herself and having taught herself some degree of mental and emotional shielding due to her hard life. If someone as powerful as Anakin had been raised by someone who was constantly stressed and willing to scream about it, lash out at their child about it, then he could have been even more of a mess. He seems remarkably well-loved compared to what could have happened.

I do think that Anakin and Shmi must have had some accidental mental and emotional bond with each other. If Anakin is as gifted in the Force as everyone says he is, he probably would have naturally reached out to the minds around him, because that's what baseline senses / existence are to him. (It's fun to think about Anakin's existence being wholly unique and WEIRD, and how this causes him to clash with everyone else. It's possible that one else experiences the universe quite like he does.)

Being separated from a parent will cause anxiety in ANY child, but it's interesting to think about how things might have been heightened for Anakin, if Shmi's mind has been an unconscious cornerstone / foundation of his mental reality and his emotional keel since his birth. Due to telepathy / empathy, Anakin may have been unconsciously using Shmi as his mental and emotional ground to stand on for as long as he can remember. Losing his mother, even by separation, when he's been halfway into her head all his life, might genuinely feel like losing a piece of his mind to Anakin. He doesn't initially have the teachings to deal with this kind of catastrophe to his baseline operating system.

He DOES get teaching for these things over the course of the next ten years. (I don't think that he was too old to be trained (Luke was famously 19 in the original "Star Wars") but I do think Anakin could have probably been trained better. Anyway, if he hadn't been trained, Sidious probably would have scooped him up immediately.) But then his mother dies in a very violent and painful way when he's RIGHT THERE, when his control probably already isn't very good due to the situation, and it cannot feel good to be inside the mind of a loved one when they're dying, especially if their own mental and emotional shielding is limited.

Like, yeah, I can see why someone who has telepathy and empathy might have some kind of mental break there. Anakin is permanently losing someone who has potentially been a mental and emotional cornerstone all his life, literally. I don't think it makes his thorough massacre of the Tusken Raiders, down to the last child, in any way excusable, that kind of vengeful, murderous collective punishment is horrifying, but I understand why it might happen from a character perspective.

If were arguing that Anakin is innately more telepathic than most people, he should be able to feel the people he's attacking as well. And it's interesting to think about how someone incredibly naturally empathetic might choose to adapt an apathetic perspective to the suffering of anyone he doesn't personally care about. Yeah, of course he might try to close himself off as much as possible. The universe is already constantly screaming at him with its death and pain. If super-telepath Darth Vader cuts someone down with his own hands, then at least they're quiet now.

Anyway, this post was also about Force-sensitive children who have shitty parents who aren't in any way Force-sensitive. Which, funnily enough, brings us to Qui-Gon Jinn's other potential Chosen One: Xanatos. Xanatos even witnessed his parent's violent death, like Anakin, because Qui-Gon semi-accidentally killed the corrupt Governor Crion for trying to start a civil war and threatening Padawan Orykan.

Like, I just finished reading "Star Wars: Jedi: The Dark Side", a 5-part comic that depicts how Qui-Gon and Xanatos broke up as a Master-Padawan pair. (I wanted context for the "Jedi Apprentice" series.) They're sent there to investigate a murder and are cooperating / protecting Governor Crion, before it is ultimately revealed that Crion has been intentionally stoking the conflict and local xenophobia for his own benefit. Xanatos spends almost the entire time telling Qui-Gon explicitly that he wants to go back to Coruscant, he doesn't want to be here; all but outright saying that he's emotionally conflicted and that there's a conflict of interest here.

It's not made explicit that Crion was abusive before, but he does seem to be a little toxic, and Xanatos clearly has a very rocky relationship with this man who is trying to start a fucking war. It is very clear at the end of the story that Xanatos resents being tested like this, having watched both of his family members die violently.

And I couldn't help but relate this to Anakin: that uneven, childhood-deep Force bond with a parent (which I am presuming exists, there's no specific canonical proof of this for either Anakin or Xanatos that I have yet read) snapping back on a telepath presumably isn't great for a person's mental state. Even though he clearly wasn't too close to his sister, watching Nason die first couldn't have helped either. Merely standing in a room getting blasted with whatever bad emotions Crion is pumping out was probably bad for Xanatos. Xanatos may be vulnerable to psychic damage from this shitty guy specifically.

I get that Jedi are supposed to rise above their attachments and fears, Yoda is clear in that he thinks putting Xanatos on this mission to his chaotic homeworld is necessary to "prove" his status as a Jedi. And I get that maybe someone even presumed Xanatos's personal connections might help the bad situation, more than it might be a flagrant "conflict of interest" in any way. But MAN, does it fucking suck that the Jedi (Yoda) are kind of like, "No, you can't do literally anything else to help people in the galaxy. You have to go face your past right now or else you can't be a good Jedi. We ARE going to judge you if you bow out and cry 'personal conflict'."

To be somewhat fair to the Jedi, Xanatos WILL need to be objective to be a good Jedi Knight and they don't KNOW that Crion is a warmonger, but Xanatos is clearly not ready to see him again, and apparently only goes on the mission because he's afraid that Padawan Orykan will replace him as Qui-Gon's student. He repeatedly accuses Qui-Gon of trying to leave him on Telos IV with his father, which is obviously a fear that's weighing heavy on his mind. Usually when a kid doesn't want to go "home" that badly, it's... indicative of something unpleasant in their home life?

At the end of the comic, Qui-Gon is like, "Oh, this situation is BAD. I was wrong to bring Xanatos here. We need to get out." But Crion is killed, Xanatos apparently has a mental break, scars his own face, and then disappears into the riots? And Qui-Gon apparently assumes that Xanatos has been killed? The execution is more than a little confusing. But yeah, Jedi need to rise above their personal shit, of course, but maybe prematurely exposing this supposedly telepathic / empathetic kid to what's potentially a bunch of deep-seated triggers to "test" him was a bad idea. (And personally I think that the comic is saying that it was a bad idea. Qui-Gon clearly regrets it afterwards.)

As far as I can tell, Xanatos's main crimes here were 1) being a huge snobby brat, partially because he has glaringly obvious rejection / jealousy issues, 2) like everyone else, not really knowing what his father was up to until after things had gone to shit, and 3) having a mental breakdown and attacking both Orykan and Qui-Gon, and ultimately failing to kill or injure them.

Xanatos is flawed, obviously, but he looks pretty young thoroughout these comics. Like, he looks like a teenager? Sixteen-ish? (Every shitty thing that Xanatos does afterwards in regards to Offworld Mining and trying to kill Obi-Wan will be on him, of course!) And I keep thinking about what a child being telepathic / empathetic does to their relationship with a Force-null parent... Especially when that parent is a piece of shit. Especially when watching them die violently. Involuntary magic has really got to suck sometimes...

[acorpsecalledcorva]

I've tried to write about this a couple times now academically, then in a funny jokey way, but the problem is I'm trying to rationalise a personal topic to justify it and make it more general but honestly it keeps ending up being fakeclaimy, perhaps in a way that deflects from me so fuck it, here goes.

My trauma memories are wrong. And that's okay.

With all the talk about the false memory syndrome and the sociocognitive model I find myself in an interesting position where I wholeheartedly disagree with the False Memory Syndrome proponents attempts to discredit DID as a diagnosis whilst having false memories very much be a part of my diagnosis, with sociocognitive elements influencing both my false trauma memories and my presentation of DID (not it's cause, just how it manifested at times).

And the key issue is metacognition and world beliefs, a growing area of research in the trauma and dissociation field. It basically goes that humans are incredibly narrative in nature. Our memories aren't factual, they're stories we tell ourselves filled with meaning and metaphor and allegory. It's why we love stories so much, whether it's fiction or juicy gossip, interacting with others interpretation of events and finding meaning in them helps us to interpret and assign meaning to our own lives and create rich, nuanced world beliefs. When something happens that is incompatible with our world beliefs and we are unable to assign meaning to to integrate it onto our subjective narrative, that's trauma.

Emotional support can help us to develop our metacognitive abilities and integrate traumatic events but things like disorganised attachment environments really fuck up this ability from a very young age and the creation of alters in CDDs can be viewed as attempts by the brain to protect those very early world beliefs (I rely on my caregivers for survival), by creating new characters in the story who can hold simultaneous contradictory world beliefs.

The problem is when traumatic shit happens young enough, memory just doesn't record properly. The emotional feelings of helplessness and threat to life or exposure and violation might be preserved, but the "factual" record can be lost forever. And once you start chronically dissociating it fucks with your regular every day ability to record and store non traumatic memories, even if by this point a traumatic memory can be "factually" and emotionally preserved whilst also being buried.

So when I look back on my childhood, and I have all these emotional flashbacks from very early childhood and these core beliefs that point to a really shitty life as a baby that I don't have actually memory of, and entire oceans of no memory, and also traumas that happened to me later in life that I do remember even if I've only recently admitted to myself are traumatic, AND a brain that likes to make up alternative subjective narratives through alter formation, AND a desperation to make sense of my life during a very confusing period (system discovery), yeah...my brain made up traumas that didn't happen to me.

When I was reading The Body Keeps the Score because I was dealing with a bunch of somatoform symptoms the early chapters talk a LOT about the prevalence of CSA by family members, and it was honestly kinda invalidating, because as far as I was aware that didn't happen to me so why was I so fucked up? It led to me imagining scenarios of trauma that might have happened to me until something latched on to an unprocessed emotional flashback. It became entangled with that flashback and, in a way, integrated itself into my subjective narrative. It gave meaning to my story, a distressing story, but a story that made sense. The only problem with that is, it doesn't actually make sense. It just isn't compatible with the other versions of my narrative that are contained throughout the rest of the system. I haven't processed and integrated the real trauma, I've just attempted to create a narrative that could serve me in that moment, it was reassuring, it provided a security in the meaning it gave me, but it's only a temporary substitute for real integration of the stuff that's still buried or inaccessible to me.

Maybe I was a victim of CSA, it's definitely possible, but that memory I've "had" just.. Isn't it. And despite community sentiments to believe trauma I would be harming myself to cling onto those memories instead of confronting the true traumatic events through therapy when I'm actually ready to face them. I would be deflecting because believing something I know deep down isn't true is safer than acknowledging what really happened, even if the fake memory is worse than what really happened.

I understand why papers on fictitious DID are concerned with patients freely offering up their trauma when previously DID patients would take years to open up enough to share it. When you get those confession stories of people faking DID there are these repeated elements that come up time and time again. They made up trauma that they freely shared to appear more valid, and despite no longer faking they still sometimes hear their alters. And I think what's happening in these cases isn't actually necessarily that they're faking DID, although obviously you can misdiagnose yourself, but quite possibly community exposure is reinforcing a sociocognitive presentation of DID. One where trauma is this thing that you MUST know about, where alters have deep backstories and a rich biography. This outward protection may very well be a reflection of a deeper but hidden inner experience that seeks to deflect the outside world with a decoy narrative.

This sucks, because from a clinician's perspective whether they affirm it or scrutinise it, if the patient refuses to let go of the decoy to reveal what's underneath therapy work is largely fruitless. Sar and Ozturk seem to be the only practitioner's to have correctly highlighted this in Functional Dissociation of the Self. They recognise the uncanny ability of the Dissociative system to deflect and divert therapy work through substitute beliefs and multiple realities and highlight the value of cutting through all that to get to the hidden psychological self that's able to create the cohesive integrated narrative that allows the system to truly recover.

So I have to ask myself, is the "version" of DID I believe I have and present to others an accurate depiction of what's going on? Or is it a convenient substitution of self that I use to deflect from what's really going on? How is the community influencing this presentation and my need to cling onto it to fit in? And is my participation in the online system community harming me in the long run because it helps reinforce my substitute beliefs about myself to fit in with them without putting in the real work to really understand myself?

I'm mostly making this as a self call out post for accountability, because I think I need to step away. If I keep posting them I've failed because honestly I feel kinda lost without it and that's scary. Hopefully, this will be the last y'all hear from me in a while so I wish y'all well. Or I'll see you tomorrow

[simonsquest]

⭐

I'm interested to hear you talk about Selena as a character that you fleshed out, if you'd like :3

I would love to! Thank you so much for asking!

So reflecting on the source material in Haunted Castle (at the time Revisited wasn’t announced yet), there really wasn’t too much I could infer from it to be the basis for how I would write Selena. Some facts were:

Selena’s appearance (and I say this but also totally redacted Simon’s blue hair. Sorry HC!Simon, lol)

The fact that she could not fight back when she was abducted by Dracula

And at the end of the game, that she’s physically close to Simon as they watch the castle crumble

I almost had too much freedom to create her character, which was a challenge for me, lol!

I think I may have mentioned this in an older post, but I initially started writing Selena as very emotionally reserved, cold, with no fondness for Simon at all.

Keeping in mind how marriage would work in that time period, arranged marriage seemed most period-appropriate (and we’ve talked a bit about how by that time, the Belmonts would have to take more calculated steps for their bloodline).

She was originally very begrudging to have been selected to marry Simon. You can still see remnants of this in some of the early chapters, but I chose to thaw her out a bit and instead have her take on an angle of polite, but cautious. Not getting attached, but understanding how her role in this is significant and vital to the success of the bloodline, a responsibility she would take on honourably if it’s to help rid the world of Dracula.

I think that more noble and selfless angle better aligns with the personality that she is revealed to have later, whose traits could be described as:

Nurturing/healing

Motherly

Amicable

Self-sufficient

Independent

Perceptive

I really like the hurt/healing character dynamic so it isn’t surprising that I made that the basis of Simon and Selena’s dynamic in the literal: that Selena knows traditional medicine and doesn’t have a weak stomach with regard to wounds that Simon will often return with.

In this way I was able to show the audience that Selena’s nurturing and healing nature is her strength, and it is something that Simon comes to rely on and respect her immensely for.

Admittedly, I had a much clearer idea of how I wanted to interpret Simon, and I created Selena’s personality around that, with the ultimate goal of them being good matches for each other once the walls come down. I wanted both to be able to stand and fight on their own, but they find so much more power and strength together.

I may have also mentioned this before but I made her a magic user (albeit an imperfect one) largely because I wanted to find a way to tie in Juste’s magical ability resurfacing. There are also specific plot devices that did (and will) make use of Selena’s magic. It allowed me to be able to take a character who could be seen as a damsel in distress (and don’t get me wrong, I fully respect that trope and still use plenty of elements from it!) and equip her with the tools to defend, fight back, strategize.

But that’s the beauty in Selena as a character, too: she can readily be fiercely independent, but when she opens her heart to Simon

she can let herself be fought for. Protected. The walls can come down and it’s okay.

And it’s the same for him, of course. :) <3

The mutual love and respect for each other was such a huge driving force behind what I wanted to accomplish in their dynamic.

The most difficult trait about Selena that I felt really out of my depth writing was the fact that she (and Simon, too) wanted to grow their family. Having children is not an idea I relate to/desire for, so writing that as a motivation did not come naturally to me at all, hahaha!

[myloveforhergoeson]

ash's july 2024 reading round up

find all the books and fics i read this month under the cut with a link to the synopsis and my reviews/ratings attached :)

this is just for fun! i'm not a professional, i just like to read <3

booklist:

Bride by Ali Hazelwood (18+!)

• aside from the fact that the main character's name is misery, i well and truly enjoyed this book!! i'm such a sucker for any type of vampire-related story, and i absolutely loved what ali hazelwood did in terms of worldbuilding! the implications of human-werewolf-vampyre politics were so interesting, yet easy to understand, and unlike that of any other story i've read. it tied in well to the reasons for vampyre misery's marriage of convenience to the alpha were lowe and had major implications for the overall plot of the story as well. i loved the mystery element and the romance felt so natural and unforced. in reading almost all of hazelwood's other books, i did have a small idea of the formula her stories usually follow, so i was able to clue into some of the twists a bit early, but even then, the mystery just kept unraveling and unraveling and it still kept me hooked until the very end! even with my correct guesses, there was even more i didn't clue into until the very end and i looooved it so much! so unexpected! misery and serena were such a cute and accurate description of best friends. each word of the use "bleech" (bitch + leech - vampyre name calling) was just so funny to me for whatever reason. misery's character development over the course of the story was fascinating, watching her come from a cold and uncaring vampyre society into the interconnected pack mentality of the were's was incredible. all of her actions with lowe's little sister anna melted my heart and exemplified the changes misery was going through to be the person she wanted to be! and of course, her and lowe were so electric and steamy, despite coming from two different worlds and their dedication to each other and their goals was staggering. such a wonderful read, could not recommend enough! i was super worried the supernatural and otherworldly elements would fall flat because hazelwood has thus far written contemporary romance, but i really can't emphasize enough the intricacies and care she put into this one; it really shines through :)

• rating: 5/5 jars of peanut butter

fic list:

first, one i forgot on my list from last month - sorry!

Music of the Spheres, or, Reading is FUNdamental by ItsyRoyal

• SUCH A CUTE JAMES/LOGAN (jagan? lomes? talk about rarepair) fic about learning and music and love and ugh i read it like three times over im just obsessed. highly, highly recommend this lovely story

2. A Million Little Things by @btr-rewatch

• god these boys... the most adorable story about the boys pre-canon highlighting the importance of their friendship <3 kendall gets into a fight defending the other boys from a bully and they rally together to take care of him 😭 some of the best characterization of the boys ever and the displays of care are so them but so tender and ugh. i said this in the comment i left but i feel like btrtv loses a lot of importance on their friendship when the shenanigans come out to play; it was sweet to read here <3

3. Assorted works of @selangkir <333

• Continuation of their Jo/Lucy fic!

• katie & gustavo blurb!

the way you write these familiar characters with your own personal flare never ceases to amaze me. i always think you capture them perfectly and the stories you share always emotionally impact me so deeply. the jo/lucy fic has me kicking my feet and giggling and god i love them so much and i can't wait to read more. the katie & gustavo fic was so funny and heartwarming. the way you see them is so unique and we are lucky you want to share <3

4. Assorted works of @ceruleanmusings :)))

• Big Time Girlfriends - Carlos & Sammi

• No Idea; 1: Miscalculation

• .8

• .9

• Blood Diamond Prologue + Year One

• you had me at pie - mickames

• in sickness and in health - mickames

friend... what can i say that i haven't already? Impeccable storytelling every single time you open your preferred writing platform; i always feel like im right there in the scene with the characters. sensory description is like your bread and butter and i'm just in awe every time you share something. bt girlfriends was so cute - i don't know much about your version of carlos or much about sammi, but the scene at the carnival with the two of them was just adorable. they're such good friends and i love how they're able to help each other out :) miscalculation is gutwrenching, but james and mrs. knight sitting down to have that conversation was necessary and so well navigated. your take on brooke had me screaming into my pillow btw... blood diamond was an incredible read - love baby james <3 and the two mickames stories... god they get me every time. the way you combine the romantic elements with points of mickey and james' pasts and emotions just kills me. truly some of the best writing in the world and i'm not just saying that because i love them so much! the thought you put into your work is always evident and i hope one day i can tell my own stories even half as good as you <3

5. Assorted works of @partiallypearl

• wake up, sunshine

• may you always know you have my hand to hold

• btr girls blurb

• life's what you make it (so let's make it rock)

• hey, hot stuff

pearl!!! ahh!!!!!! the way you were able to take random and simple one-word prompts and turn them into literal works of art is just astounding to me!!! the small three blurb collection was so sweet and showed off the characters personalities so well in such few words. coming from someone literally incapable of writing anything short that just amazes me. i also couldn't get enough of the carlos & logan story gah the boys get me every time... it goes back to what i said in point two lol, the display of their friendship is so uplifting to see and you've just mastered it. and the lucy/logan fic... lots to consider here... i just can't get enough of you and your work!! <3

6. Assorted works of @icegirl2772

• Brontide + Sphallolalia blurb

i know you are busy living your life and working and everything so i will sit and wait patiently for more kaelyn and james content until the end of forever. happy to accept the tiniest of blurbs about them and this one was just too cute! ty for indulging me hehe <3

7. Assorted works of @cant-get-enough-btr-forever

• Big Time Amnesia

!!!! i love your stories so much !!!!! top tier characterization, hilarious dialogue, character-driven stories... god you've got it all up in there. while i'm not typically a fan of the amnesia trope, the way you worked it into the story just had me hooked; poor carlos and his new British ways... and the end had me laughing out loud tbh i know how you feel about logan and his southern accent so the personal touch there made it all the better! tysm for sharing yet another incredible story <3

8. A Field of Blooming Tulips by @bunnyfern

admittedly i was a bit worried the first time i read this story, but after the rework i'm enjoying the story you're developing so much! all the bits and pieces you throw in about crowe have me dying to know more about her and her past, her likes and her dislikes, and seeing her grow and change to fit into her new environment is very well done! she and james 👀 though quite different already have a little spark of chemistry and i'm excited to see where the story takes them!!!

9. MY OWN DAMN STORY

unfortunately i've been reading my own story more than i've been writing my story. rames fan #1 isn't producing rames content fast enough to keep up with her own demand... help!!!!!

[ofhouseadama]

Popping in because I really love your writing! I'm curious about what you like to write most or what you find easier (which might not be the same I imagine) and maybe how's your process/preparation for writing if you have any.

Oh, thank you!

The things I get the most emotionally out of writing are more emotionally complex pieces like after the night (the morning comes) or paterfamilias or find a map and draw straight line or tombs and other resting places. The easiest and most fun is absolutely smut, especially when I can get some quippy banter and lighthearted nonsense in there. Things like send up a signal and I'll throw you a line and you say you came on first, I think you came on fine were just genuinely a ton of fun to write.

I tend to have to talk a lot about things before I write them, workshop the flow of the fic and the tone and specific elements. Sometimes this is over a more formal regimented outline (generally for a longer piece, like the baby fic I'm working on, and a kanej fic I've been picking at since May, any of my 20k+ fics that I wrote for The Newsroom) or sometimes it's just a mental grocery list that I'm just keeping in my head or on a sticky note.

Generally I write all the dialogue first, because it's what comes easiest to me. My rough drafts are generally just dialogue and some directional notes plopped in there, like:

And once I get all of that out, I can decide which POV I think will work best for narration and go back and narrate in -- this is what takes the most amount of time, seeing as I was raised by The West Wing and soap operas, so writing dialogue comes very naturally to me, lol.

Sometimes I go through and do the dialogue and then narrate scene by scene or section by section, sometimes I just go ahead and write out the whole thing and just start knocking it out. I have to talk while I narrate, otherwise I get in Too Deep and end up staring into the abyss. Often times I get attached to One Song being the right song and just play it on repeat for awhile if it's working, or just have an overall writing playlist for a fic.

Sometimes I can knock out 4k words in a few hours, sometimes it feels like wisdom tooth extraction. Sometimes I have to throw out the entire narration for a section because I've realized halfway through that it makes more sense to write it from a different POV.

But usually I stick pretty tightly to my outline.

I hope this was insightful at all!

[kitsoa]

Hi, I'm currently catching up with Birdmen (dunno if you still read it, but I don't really know where else to send this ask), and today I just thought of something. Do you think Eishi has separation anxiety? I mean, when Takayama left, he was vey restless (venting by sending death tweet, leaving class to go flying, physical distress after having the whiteout). And after they got back together, he's always the first one to notice that Takayama's not around. What's your thought?

Hello!!While I have not been abundantly active over the updates of Birdmen for a variety of reasons, I assure you that I am here, I am reading it and that I will respond to asks as soon as I possibly can. For that matter, thank you so much for reaching out! (Edit: I primarily talk Birdmen on my birdmen centric  blog : @kitreadsbirdmen while I post fanart on my main so that’s the best place to get me on this subject.)Separation Anxiety is one good way to put it. For all the points you’ve listed, Eishi’s attachment to Takayama is only heightened in his absence. Especially in the context of the whiteout responses but those feel a bit more extraordinary than basic emotions. While the others have been clear about missing him, the attitude around his disappearance is a little more resigned– like a force of nature ruining a good day (to put it tritely). Eishi is agitated about the entire thing for both emotional, and potentially biological reasons. I’ve mentioned it before that Eishi’s whole thing with Takayama is this carrot on a stick kind of relationship. Where the closer he gets to truly comprehending this force that changed his life (for the better) the farther that force moves away from him. Takayama is not a static goal Eishi strives for. From a social perspective, his bond with Takayama is one that he wishes to cultivate and he grows understanding only for the goal to drift into obscurity. This is where his attachment and resulting reaction can be seen as the recoil to a loss of structure. The anxiety of being separated with something you emotionally depend on.But there is a parallel with the Seraph mutation and how Takayama’s clear advancement on that front is the physical divide between Eishi and him. As Eishi awakens and develops genetically he starts to catch up, only for the extraordinary elements to snatch Taka away again. The whiteout, this ascension of sorts is presented as a dangling thread and leaves Eishi in a state of abject abandonment. The seraph biology clearly functions on some kind of sympathetic system. Shared blackouts, the free exchange of mental processes, the dictated pace of development… both small groups and the species as a whole have some kind of natural median that the seraph gene responds to. It’s why the plot has accelerated with the high propagation rate– there are more seraph and they are awakening fast because the gene pool that is sympathetically linked is growing from the trials of the base sample size. So this can extend to smaller seraph ensembles as long as its lead by one exceptional model. Our Bird Club is the best example of this because of Takayama. Bond with him and you awaken to heckin’ rare and advanced seraph abilities. And if you’re Eishi, that bond may taunt you closer to his whiteout status. They symbolism is in Eishi’s final whiteout in chapter 43. He too was turning white, he was being drawn closer. So coming back to this clear anxiety. Eishi is physically being pulled towards his connection with Takayama. That, along with the more emotional bonds, can lend itself to the dramatic reactions.But also he’s gay and mad pining.  

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P

[zalrb]

This is probably just going to sound ridiculous and obviius, This is probably going to sound ridiculous/obvious, but: Reading through your blog I'm realizing how all of Bonnie's portmanteau relationship names start with her. At least all the big ones, and I'm wondering if that is because we (her fans) put her first in all of them. With Elena it is kind of about the dynamics of the man with her, whereas with Bonnie it's all about HER dynamics with the man. Thoughts?

I think a few things.

1. I think in terms of Elena, it’s only SE where the relationship is about both dynamics and how they relate to each other, with DE it’s really all about Damon and what the show morphs Elena into being for Damon so I would have to somewhat challenge that sentiment.

2. At the same time, the reason why we as fans emphasize Bonnie in her relationships to men is because the show doesn’t emphasize Bonnie in relationships to anyone. Bonnie is packaged as a vehicle and an object, the show only acknowledges her worth in relation to how much she’s willing to sacrifice for others:

DRIES:  We’re going to see Bonnie continue to try to adjust to life in the prison world.  She tried to have Christmas, and it just made things worse for her.  She’s going to have a birthday in the prison world, which is going to be worse.  She’s really going to hit rock bottom before she pulls herself up by the bootstraps and says, “You know what? Let me get out of here!”  She will finally find her way back, and it will come at the perfect time for our friends, who are in need of a friend rejuvenation and beautiful reunion.  So, she comes back and is emotionally scarred from it.

“"Bonnie will continue to be a loyal friend to Damon and a very supportive person for him to lean on as he goes through the drama of the second half of the season,“ she explained. “But their relationship will also face its own obstacles down the road. Bonnie and Stefan are grounding forces in Damon’s life. So for him to put his relationship with Bonnie at stake would have really, really bad consequences for Damon, for sure.”

Within the show, Bonnie is literally the only character who has been cheated on. The show was careful with everyone else: Elena and Damon kiss (and not deathbed pity kiss but kiss kiss) when she and Stefan aren’t together. Elena and Stefan may’ve only broken up for a day but they were still broken up when she sleeps with Damon. Caroline and Tyler are not together anymore when she sleeps with Klaus. Caroline and Matt aren’t together when she kisses Tyler. Stefan left when she agrees to marry Alaric. It’s all messy and in bad taste and convoluted, absolutely, but none of them technically cheated on each other whereas Jeremy is with Bonnie and kisses Anna and not only kisses Anna but there’s an entire exchange

Anna: Why are you thinking about me when you’re calling her?

Jeremy: I didn’t know I was! I guess I never stopped thinking about you.

Pretty much every time Kat has chemistry with someone on the show

that person’s character ends up attacking her:

(I don’t think Kat and Michael had chemistry but Michael played her eventual love interest so I’m including it)

No other person on this show and especially no other woman on this show is degraded the way Bonnie is by the writers on a constant basis where there is this narrative glee at seeing her be knocked down and that is especially true for Elena so when we fans talk about her relationships with men — particularly when Caroline and Elena have both been involved in three separate love triangles: Stefan/Elena/Matt Stefan/Elena/Damon Liam/Elena/Damon + Tyler/Caroline/Matt Tyler/Caroline/Klaus Stefan/Caroline/Alaric while Bonnie wasn’t involved in any, when the first guy we see Bonnie crush on (Ben) turns out to be using her, a guy we see her vibing on in 2x02 at the carnival is killed by Caroline, Luka who was sort of into her is murdered by Damon, and Jamie who she was into just randomly disappears — we tend to focus on what Bonnie gets out of the relationship because if we don’t who will?

Even BE which is supposed to be all about Enzo loving Bonnie only begins because Lily dies and if that isn’t enough, it has to be reiterated that she didn’t want him when she was alive

Matt has been in love with Elena since forever, Stefan enrolled in high school just to meet her, Liam existed just to want her. Jesse existed just to want Caroline, Tyler wasn’t really in a serious relationship before Caroline, Klaus was obsessed with Caroline after one conversation in which he did 99% of the talking and Bonnie … … … …?

3. I would also say that Bonkai fans are very much interested in how Bonnie and Kai relate to each other especially considering that despite what antis say, Bonkai is very much a symbiotic relationship. They’re evenly-matched as antagonists: 

she holds the power to get everyone out of the prison world

but Bonnie refuses to use it because Kai is a psychopath, she is exerting her agency by saying no

so Kai siphons her magic, which is fair because they’re adversaries and she’s standing in his way

so she kills him

so he shoots her with a crossbow

so she sends Damon away:

and so on and so forth, it’s a tit-for-tat that is evenly matched and reciprocal, the fact that Kai left Bonnie in the prison world is shitty but it makes sense because they were adversaries and he won that round so when Bonnie comes back and stabs him then leaves him in the Prison World it’s like YEAH. BK fans are interested in that kind of reciprocity.

And they bring out sides of each other that no other person has. Bonnie has never killed before Kai and that is worth noting.

And Kai experiences attachment to Bonnie pre-merge

and post-merge

Antis like to bring up that merging with Luke is what gave him empathy and guilt etc. but those emotions are related primarily to Bonnie, that isn’t of Luke’s doing, that’s because of the preoccupation Kai had with Bonnie beforehand

And so they’re both in different elements in relation to each other and because of each other, their character arcs actually work in symbiosis (or would’ve worked) naturally so it’s only natural to talk about Bonkai in relation to each other as opposed to Bonnie in relation to Kai.

4. I hope that answered your question.