#Narcissists hide behind the pain they bring on themselves. People.. at the end of the day want to relive their traumas because-

[zombienarc]

One thing I've learned is that people need me more than I've needed them.

[on-literal-mars]

The Narcissism of Wilbur Soot: Ghostburs real unfinished business.

Wilbur Soot effectively manipulated a bunch of children into fighting a war for him. This was the first ‘official’ arc of the Dream SMP and even though it’s been months and months since it happened, so many things still tie back to it. L’manberg: a country more power struggle than nation, Tommy’s discs and their importance, and Wilbur Soots selfishness. This post will be broken down into four parts for four symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder that fit Wilbur the best. There will also be a final section dedicated to Ghostbur and his unfinished business on the SMP.

Having an exaggerated sense of self importance:

Wilbur is a showman. He is useless unless he has an audience. It’s introduced from day one as he cultivates an army over the shared dream of freedom, again when he holds an election and reads out the results, and finally when he doesn’t blow up L’manberg until Phil comes. How many times does Wilbur go into the button room by himself? I think on stream maybe 3-4 times. That’s 3-4 times that he doesn’t do what he says he’s gonna do and it’s because someone like Wilbur needs an audience.

He can’t do anything by himself, he hates himself too much, the only time he achieves anything is when he manipulates others to get it done for him. Think about it. How many times has Wilbur sung out for his nation and called it “My L’manberg” like he built it himself? Like he actually fought in the battles instead of standing off to the side and urging his child army to ‘keep fighting’. He’s encredibly entitled. Which brings us to our next point:

Having a sense of entitlement:

Wilbur believes that everything is owed to him. Dream is a tyrant for telling him not to sell drugs on SMP land. People should be allowed to do what they want.

Wilbur should be allowed to do what he wants.

And he wraps this idea up with a bow and calls it ‘freedom’. He elects himself president without any hesitation and is surprised and insulted when Quakity runs against him. I’ve already touched on how he obsesses over L’manberg and destroying it. A narcissist looks at life with complete tunnel vision. The only thing they care about is what will benefit them and what will make them feel better. So the logic behind Wilbur wanting to destroy L’manberg was never ‘they took it from me, I want to destroy it so they can’t have it’(because even that requires some level of empathy) but more ‘It’s mine. If it isn’t mine, then it can’t be any bodies’.

it was always his L’manberg. His unfinished Symphony. It was his way of taking back control. Here’s one thing you have to know about Narcissists, they are rampant control freaks. And if they can’t control you or you are no longer benefiting them, they will destroy you.

Being preoccupied with fantasies about brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate:

We’ve never seen Wilbur(Ghostbur is a different story) interact romantically but we have seen how he treats the ones he’s supposed to love. Fundy is a perfect example. I could go on and on about how Wilbur gave Tommy more attention because Tommy was always willing to stay under Wilbur while Fundy always tried to go against him but that’s a post we’ve all seen a hundred times(in all fairness, very good posts). I present you another outlook: Wilbur neglects Fundy because he sees too much of himself in him. Like, oh I don’t know, Fundys want for control and authority. He wants attention because he’s just as much of a showman as his dad.

And Wilbur can never share the stage. He is incapable of it, his thinking is too black and white. Regardless, his relationship with both Fundy and Tommy(towards the end) showcase how manipulative and abusive narcissists often are. Now notice how pretty Wilbur tries to make Pogtopia? I know towards the end he was fine to let all those buttons litter the place but think before that. You could argue that Wilbur worked so hard on it because he wanted a cosy place to stay for him and Tommy but it simply isn’t true.

We know this because when Technoblade tries to put railings around the stairs Wilbur breaks them down. He wasn’t intentionally being malicious, you’ve got to understand that narcissists just never think about anyone but themselves. He simply didn’t care if Tommy or Techno( or tubbo who eventually did)fell off the stairs and hurt themselves. It didn’t matter. The railing just didn’t go with his aesthetic. Wilbur made Pogtopia so nice so that he could feel in control.

He did it to convince himself that it was some nice vacation home instead of a stone prison being used as a fugitive hide out. He was absolutely delusional.

Inability to take responsibility:

Right away I bet you can see how this lines up with Ghostbur, huh? It ties back to black and white thinking, as well. His famous phrase ‘indepenance or death’, calling everyone in Manberg traitors because they hadn’t immediately dropped everything to join Pogtopia, and how he kept making destroying L’manberg the final option. He knew from the beginning that he was going to destroy it. The second he built the button room the countrys fate was sealed. Wilbur is never wrong.

He knows what’s best for his country. But here’s the thing: Wilbur has always done things indirectly or through someone else. He does this to avoid direct criticism. Criticism cripples narcissists, it is their worst fear. But blowing up L’manberg would leave no room for anything else. It would be Wilburs fault and no one else’s.

That’s why he has Phil kill him. It wasn’t out of regret or shame, it was one last act of selfishness. He left them with crater for a country and didn’t even say goodbye. And even in his final moments it was “they all want you to, look at them, they want me dead”. He was a coward and died like one. He died to try and escape criticism and responsibility. But death has a funny way of catching you off guard.

Some final symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder before we move into the Ghostbur section:

React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

(This isn’t an official definition but Dr. Ramani Durvasula says that Narcissists are characterized by lack of empathy and deep insecurity. Keep that in mind.)

Ghostbur:

Ghostbur to me is very child like. Ghostbur pulls some pranks but is never intentionally malicious, just works his hardest to make everyone happy. He is innocent and playful and doesn’t like to talk about serious things. We could see him as Wilbur back when he was a little kid. Before the effects of abuse start to kick in. Everyone says that Phil is canonically neglectful, I’m not sure where this comes from but I believe it.

As childlike as he is, it isn’t like he’s the ghost version of kid Wilbur. Wilbur was an adult when he died. He’s so childlike because that’s what Wilbur was on the inside; a child who never matured properly. L’manchild takes a whole different meaning now lmao. Ghostbur is Wilbur without the walls he puts in place to protect himself. That’s why he’s cold all the time: he’s finally being exposed to all the things he tried to hide from.

Wilbur acts like a child throughout majority of his time on the SMP. He gets angry when he doesn’t get his way, expects everyone to kiss his ass and take care of him, and throws tantrums when all he should’ve done was compromise(the way people blame George or Quakity for Schlatt getting elected but Wilbur could’ve just taken down the American-ban). And doesn’t that sound just like the points I made earlier? Ghostbur isn’t the sad alter ego of Wilbur that some try to paint him out to be, he’s literally just Wilbur without the bullshit. He wasn’t the father of a nation he was an abused kid who never grew up. He ran from his problems to the very last second but now he doesn’t have a choice.

That is Ghostburs unfinished business. He must finally allow himself to be wrong. Only then will he be able to move on. And shit, with the way he keeps forgetting the bad stuff he’s done, perhaps he isn’t meant to. Perhaps this is supposed to be his hell and he’ll be trapped in constant pain for all of eternity. It would make sense wouldn’t it?

Death was like: hah, you want to act like you did nothing wrong? Fine, I’ll help you out.

That’s the problem with black and white thinking. Too much of anything will eventually become bad for you. Ghostbur is gonna realize that he can’t float around L’manberg for the rest of time and actually accept the fact that maybe everything is his fault. Atleast Wilbur actually got his wish, I suppose. Dead men can’t take responsibility. Dead men can only exist in hell forever or let go and move on.

[alexisluthor]

Deep Dive - Scheherazade ***PSON SPOILERS***

First, I have to point out how much I love how classically villainous Malcolm’s loft is. I just have to point out that the décor – the red felt – the weaponry…it all screams ‘villain.’ That along with the fact that he’s often seen in dark/black clothing (even down to his latex gloves which are also usually black) is just…perfection.

That aside, getting into the episode...how Eve handled her meeting with Martin was also perfection. It’s a good thing she didn’t walk into that situation alone, because I believe, if Malcolm hadn’t been there…Martin would have flown completely off the handle. (To a degree, I think he behaves for his boy because he’s unwilling to risk losing him entirely) You can see moments in which he very nearly loses his cool, repeatedly looking over at Mr. David – knowing that if he tilts off his axis it’ll probably just mean sedation and solitary, which won’t give him any room to make progress and regain the puppet strings. The way he also calls after his boy as he was moving to leave, truly shows his desperation. Malcolm uses it to his advantage, holding his visits with Martin as collateral for the truth. The restlessness that has been building within Martin is reaching a peak. His frustration is palpable.

I find it particularly fascinating that it took the ‘traumatic’ encounter with Eve for Martin to begin having flashbacks about the murder. I truly believe they were flashbacks and not just him reaching for memories. Which begs the question…just how much does he compartmentalize? Are all of his murderous escapades locked away in some box in his brain that he tries not to open, as if the more he returns to them, the faster they’ll fade?

He clearly connects with the event through music – the song “Operator.” (It’s especially ironic because the phone is largely Martin’s only connection to the outside world.) In the song, Jim Croce’s lyrics say “Operator, well, let’s forget about this call. There’s no one there I really wanted to talk to,” which is an obvious lie. The singer does want to talk, desperately – just as Martin wants to talk – desperately. “I’ve overcome the blow, I’ve learned to take it well. I only wish my words could convince myself that it just wasn’t real, but that’s not the way it feels.” So why those lyrics? That song? By the end of the episode, Martin is indeed more… “fine” than he had been at the beginning. He even succeeded in spinning Eve off on her own search and getting her away from Malcolm (after all, he needs Bright to be isolated to have full control over him). “I think about the love that I thought would save me.” Could anything truly have saved Martin or Malcolm or Eve or the victim from any of this?

In the end, when Eve is leaving…Malcolm mirrors that same desperation that Martin had, begging Eve to stay, telling her that she needs him. And of course, “Operator” plays once more as she leaves.We’ve learned much more about the infamous camping trip. Apparently, Watkins stabbed Martin, and Malcolm stabbed Watkins. So…Malcolm came to his father’s rescue? What made Watkins turn on Martin? We also see Martin interacting with a victim. He even apologizes that she hadn’t gotten the ‘care she deserved,’ which was odd and creepy. So, she tries to talk her way out by giving him a bigger fish to fry. But does it really work? Or did he kill her regardless? In the last episode he revealed that his key to lying was believing the lie. Could he fool Malcolm by giving 90% of a truth and 10% of a lie? Was his breaking her free and extending his hand just a ploy so that he could pull her up and snap her neck? I find it hard to believe that he’d simply…let her go. She knows who he is. He would just leave a loose end like that? He’s an unreliable narrator in my opinion, so I wouldn’t go shutting the book on anything regarding his actions.

All we know now is that Eve is gone – for the moment – and Jessica’s getting too close to a man who is clearly dangerous. There’s no way Martin could ever warn her, she would write it off as jealousy and wouldn’t listen. And Martin tells Malcolm he’s being a good father – protecting him. But how can he protect his boy from this bigger, more terrifying monster if he’s behind bars? It’s obvious that Malcolm is going to have to go after this big fish to save his mom…unless of course Martin figures out a way to kill him or stop him himself. Which brings us to the promo for next week, but in the spirit of not giving anything away, I won’t touch that. Also "SHE STRUCK ME," yelled indignantly into the phone at his ex-wife wasn't Martin's best moment. 

And then there were the other important moments – the tension between “Jess” (that bit out nickname echoed back to Gil) and Nick. Gil saving Malcolm’s life, tackling him in the same manner Edrisa did in the previous ep. And then there was Edrisa’s implying that Bright is the most beautiful man in NY… came off a bit too creepy (are the writers setting her up to be a stalker? I hope not because I’d like her to remain the valuable team member she is).

---Random tangent: I also found it surprising that Malcolm could have taken ballet for five years without Gil knowing. I thought he was closer to the family than that… I’d like more background about when he started to really befriend Malcolm and Jessica, etc. Also…Malcolm goes on about how ballet dancers train themselves not to feel pain. Since Mal took ballet for five years, does this include him? Is he capable of hiding more of his emotions than he lets on? He certainly lets people see ‘enough’ of his vulnerability to appear sincere, but what if he’s able to hide a darker side? Just a fun thought. ---

Maybe one of the tropes of the episode was that “no one steps to the lioness” but the bigger lion is Nick, and Martin must be feeling pretty helpless at this point. He’s really going to have to switch gears and do something drastic (pls see "Crazy Things that Could Happen") A storm is brewing, that’s for sure. Who knows what Nick’s machinations involve. He clearly has a plan or he wouldn’t have begun flirting with Jessica and pulling her into his sphere.

My closing thought (sorry this was so long) is that I believe Martin will put himself in some sort of sacrificial position for Malcolm to ensure that his boy will be…indebted...to him in some way. If he can stop Nick and come out looking like the martyr…well…it would be the ultimate narcissist move and it would ensure that Malcolm would never be able to ‘move on’ from him. Not that I believe he ever could anyway.

All I know is…I feel a Martin Whitly prison break coming on. At least I hope so.

*Crazy things my brain cooked up about what could happen next* Martin breaks out of Claremont Nick kidnaps Malcolm Nick uses Malcolm as a pawn to get Martin to do XYZ Martin kills someone...a guard?... in Claremont to get transferred Nick orchestrates Martin killing someone in Claremont in front of Mal Martin kills Nick Nick has enough $$ and power to throw Martin down a hole he can't crawl out of Nick frames Malcolm for something to get him off his back Nick kidnaps both Malcolm and Martin - Eve comes to Mal's rescue, which means also rescuing Martin Martin escapes and kidnaps Mal after taking Nick out Nick hurts Jessica in some way and gets the holy wrath of either Gil or Martin or both Martin escapes and kidnaps Nick Martin escapes and kidnaps Eve TGITB is in fact alive and comes to Eve's rescue or is at least on screen at some point (I hope...but would that give the season too much of an air of finality? I mean...we do want six seasons and a musical afterall)

[gamergirluprising]

Alastor’s Possible Backstory, Emotional, And Mental State.

Okay, so, I find Alastor from Hazbin Hotel one of the few characters that interest me due to his sheer mysterious aura. He has a lot of secrets and I’d like to dissect this man down to his mannerisms, his beliefs, his (low-key/high-key?) pessimistic view of life, and his use of voodoo. I personally am not a fan of the said show since it’s pretty vulgar and hasn’t caught my attention due to the possible problems I see in the show (Why the heck did the God in this universe allow a hierarchy to take place AND give people superpowers by turning them into magical animals and such? Why did he even make a Hell?) 

But anyway, I’m not here to discuss my likes and dislikes about the show, I'm here to discuss the Radio Demon and what could have possibly happened in his life as a child to start this craziness and explain his complex personality, mental state, and emotional state. Alrighty with that being said, LET’S DISSECT!

ＭＥＮＴＡ L~𝓔𝓜𝓞𝓣𝓘𝓞𝓝𝓐𝓛 ~BEGINNING

Dude’s got a mental problem fam, and I'm not saying this just cause this man’s teeth are as yellow as Bill Cipher’s entire existence. No, no, no this man is crazy for not just his unhinged need to see other’s fail and to have utter and complete control(Will tackle later) he’s crazy for his huge narcissistic behavior. Dude, Honestly thinks he’s better than everyone and ONLY allows those he thinks are worthy into his “friend” circle. I quote friend because I’m not too sure how exactly and deeply he feels about Rosie aside from their relationship being like Jack and Mary from Mary Poppins Returns, as stated by Vivzie on twitter. He finds those who don’t always smile as people who are WEAK and LAUGHABLE and regardless of how they are, he still finds them to be weak, which BY GOD is such a flawed way of thinking GEEZ. Now after reading about Alastor and becoming more intrigued, I decided to do research on his behavior and when and how it starts. 

𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐦 has 9 defining traits. I’ll go over a few that I’ve noticed.

1. He really thinks he’s more important than anyone else and has shown this through his mannerisms, the way he speaks, his vibe and just his general character scream “I’m better than you!”

2. HE LOVES SHOWING OFF! Dude can’t seem to get enough of the spotlight, thus why he LOVES to broadcast his carnage on the radio! Why else would he do so!? He finds constant admiration and respect when he does his “little” display of power!

3. Now, we ALL know he has done some pretty...gruesome things to claim strength and be seen as the strongest, even when there are others who are stronger he displays himself as if he is more dominating and wouldn’t waste his time with, how you say, vermin. This is evident by his response to Vox

You can find where I found this here at Faustisse’s cleanup and Inking vid of the upcoming Alastor Comic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_15UYpcWJ_Q

In case it is too hard to read due to the bad quality, Alastor is saying “Show off all that and no cattle.” which is pretty much  “all hat, no cattle” (or, alternately, “big hat, no cattle”) which refers to someone who is all talk with no action, power, or substance behind his/her words. I’d applaud this power move, and still kinda do, if it weren’t for this dudes BIG HEAD lol.

BUT, you get the point, the dude is an egomaniac! “We already knew this, I mean DUH!” you say to me pinching the bridge of your nose. “Why do you point out the obvious?!”

Well, notice how severe and prevalent these traits are. Don’t you find it odd how this dude has SEVERE megalomania? Well, I did research and found out that Narcissism has a very sad connection most of the time and affects males more than females.

at https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/causes-of-npd here’s what I found

Notice the parental factors during early childhood are all abuse-related. This could very well be one, if not the main reason, why Al is the way he is: He was abused as a child! And to make matters worse, as I was looking deeper into this, I noticed that sexual abuse is ANOTHER factor, which would explain why Alastor doesn’t like being touched without consent or by surprise but will GLADLY invade other’s personal space to feel in control (He's a hypocrite like that). Sexual assault victims ALSO don’t like being touched without consent so this just adds more proof to my claim! And serial killers tend to have a rough family life and have been molested, taken advantage of, neglected, or all of the above! 

It’s also come to my attention that Alastor enjoys talking with women more than men for 2 reasons. 1) Alastor finds it easier and more enjoyable to talk with women. 2) He finds men to be dumb brutes at least in hell.

I give COMPLETE CREDIT to @dollymoon

Thank you for the awesome amount of facts you’ve provided! RESPECT! https://www.tumblr/dollymoon

Alastor most likely has a very harsh grudge against the world due to his treatment as a young child. His abuse, and possible loss of his mother growing up, lead to him finding joy in seeing those suffer and fail EVERY SINGLE TIME! Notice the way he talks creepily to Charlie about watching sinners “Repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pits of F A I L U R E.” Look at this man’s face as he’s saying this! The man looks turned on with the VERY fact of people suffering, that’s his kink, y’all, he a damn sadist! (No, being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t have kinks, I’ve checked, lol. Got you fam.) Ima kink shame the hell out of this man (Pun-unintended) 

Ahem, anyway, this dude has got a hate boner for the world and finds relief when exacting pain on others because he feels wronged and feels the world is to blame. He does seem to acknowledge and accept that where he’s at is the end of the road for those who want to change, their chance was when they were alive, and has accepted that this is the natural order of things and they can’t fix that. I had this vibe that he must have gone to church as a kid due to his mom being religious and he loved his mom so he obeyed, Has been stated by Faustisse that he’s a mama’s boy, BUT remember, Vivzie said anything that comes out of HER mouth is what’s canon. Unless she has already stated it as fact any other info can’t be trusted. (Even though this info is PAINSTAKINGLY clear just by him mentioning his mother’s cooking and it just makes too much sense, lol.)

So he must have grown up to be low-key violent but with manners like he practiced being slick and suave in order to trick people into trusting him so that he may kill them without getting caught, which would work perfectly with him not chasing people due to his moral code. He practiced and practiced and seeing as how he was well-off in his later years, I’d assume he started doing his radio schtick when he was in his early 20s or at the age of 18. So he began when the roaring 20s was just starting, a new beginning for him! 

Alastor's name means "he who does not forget", "avenger", "persecutor", "tormenter", "one who suffers from divine vengeance".

(This also makes me think his real name is Alexander/Alexandre since it's the exact opposite of his Hell-Name and more interestingly, in terms of name-giving traditions, between the latter half of the Spanish period (1790-1803) and the beginning of Jim Crow Segregation (1893-1964), gallicized names of classical Greek and Roman origins dominated in Loiusiana. This may be due, in whole, or in part, to the fact that New Orleans had North America’s (excluding Central America and the Caribbean) first Opera Houses and Theatres, owned, frequented and operated by Creoles from Louisiana, Cuba and Saint-Domingue/Haiti. Adonis is my second choice since It literally means "handsome man" and that would totally fit him for his handsomeness to the fact I feel that his mom would def name him this outside of Alexander/Alexandre.) http://www.mylhcv.com/common-creole-names-for-males/

This is a HEAVY hint to what happened in his life and why he’s so drawn to seeing people fail and helps hold my theory together quite a bit, if not a lot. Of all the names to give this dude, he was given a name that legit is on par with the word “Vengeance” and “Avenger”. Vengeance for what? Avenge who? He was wronged. He possibly is angered also by the death of his mother, who was most likely his ONLY ray of light. He is a broken man who most likely has insecurities, based on the info of narcissism which tells us that narcissistic people are the most insecure sorts of people. Alastor is aware of this and sees it as a weakness, something to be culled and hidden from the world never seeing the light of day. His only way of making himself feel stronger and more in control was through voodoo and cannibalism. Many Cannibals believe to be the bees-knees since they go a step FURTHER into crime by devouring their victims and placing themselves into a rank different and more feared by the rest. They see that no one else would even have the balls to attempt to reach that spot, which again leads back to the way Alastor thinks. He just adds oil to the fire when doing voodoo and doing BLOOD RITUALS which you can see him doing when attacking Sir Pentious!  https://twitter.com/hntrgurl13/status/1197918059836690433?s=20

Dude has so much baggage that he hides behind a smile he thinks ALONE brings strength like niBBa are you serious? I’d like to see this man try and say that to the faces of strong people like Superman, Goku, Midoriya, Naruto, Broly, Wonder Woman, GOD. Yo even GOD shows emotions. Wanna know why these beings are strong? It ain’t just cause they smile, Nah, it’s cause they’re determined or the very literal embodiment of determination. they have a damn balance and that strength helps them smile through the pain, they don’t need to exhibit a smile to be strong cause them being themselves and having the strong mentality is what gives them strength, not a damn smile. Watch Charlie hit him with the good old reality check when the man attempts to freaking take over her joint (Both hotel and hell) and she proves strength ain’t just gained through smiling or dominating others. He high-key sounds weak for even having that mindset, only weaklings think like this. He has a very weak view of life which brought forth a monster, or should I say DEMON.

Here’s the info of him not liking being touched.

I’d also like you guys to keep in mind that Vivzie has stated that none of the characters have split personalities, proving Al knows EXACTLY what he's doing.

It’s all them but some have a DUALITY to them. As hinted at by the word "dual" within it, duality refers to having two parts, often(but not always) with opposite meanings, like the duality of good and evil. If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there's a duality. Notice how Alastor also has a duality in him. What kind tho? Remember those shadows that follow him everywhere? Yeah I'm pretty sure those shadows represents his duality in some way, shape, or form.

I also forgot to add that Masochism and Sadism both ALSO stem from the same things Narcissism does or similar things like being sexually abused as a kid. Remember not all cases are the same, I just wanted to put that out there (Not sure If Al is still a Masochist since that’s old info from him being just a deer and liked it when people tried to kill him.)

So in conclusion:

-Dude was possibly abused as a child by his Father

-he hates society/the world due to his terrible child life

-He possibly feels shame for what he has done and thus has accepted his fate

-He loves his mama and MOST LIKELY hates his father who probs is the one who did him a terrible service for just being his father growing up, this would explain his view on men as well

-He also feels shame for being so weak to even allow his father or any male figure to do what they did to him

-Man gets turned on when seeing people like sinners suffer.

KEEP. IN. MIND. None of this excuses his terrible behavior and excuses for being so power-hungry, He’s an interesting character and I love his quirks but he is by no means a victim without faults. He is a product of society and that’s sad but he needs to pay for his horrible actions. Cannibalism is going to far, using you and your victim’s blood for voodoo isn’t excusable, and just killing someone for the sake of vengeance won’t make the pain go away, so nothing he does that involves harming people is cute or a way to suppress his anger, which he’ll have to learn the hard way in this story, I bet. Hopefully, it’s done well cause he’s still very much a bad guy regardless of the fact that he is aiding charlie.

WHEW, that was a long post, one of my longest ones! I really wanted to write out my thoughts on this character cause I’m ALWAYS intrigued by the mystery characters like him withhold. They tend to have hints to their behavior and it was really fun traveling through the possibilities of his nature. I’m probably 100% wrong about all of what I said since I am still not sure about everything and I researched as much as I could. I wouldn’t have had such an easy time if it wasn’t for @dollymoon and their amazing efforts to inform the community, y’all crazy but y’all dedicated so respect. I am not part of the community so I wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint all the info and more. So this is my piece on Alastor the Radio Demon, a.k.a dude who looks like he’s taken ecstasy. 

P.S

-Why is this man wearing a torn up and ragged jacket when he can easily make himself a better freaking jacket? The man wore a one that was fresh as hell during his reprise, so what gives?! and why in God’s name is his damn teeth yellow? How you gonna say “You're never fully dressed without a smile” but got on one of the dirtiest smiles I’ve ever freaking seen? I'd rather not smile and be strong than to wear my clothes at its dirtiest(his smile I mean). Ain’t no way in the fresh hell would I invite an edgy radioman, who I know does voodoo, into my damn house, I am too black/Haitian for that bull.

-Y’all finna tell me why y’all falling for a man who canonically has stank breathe...?

At least clean his damn teeth and give him a mint first, D A M N people!

again, thank you very much @dollymoon

but yeah, that’s my theory y’all, hope you enjoy and sorry for the constant repetition in here! DISSECTION OVER. . .

[yandere-society]

Hi! It's me again 😅 can I ask for another reaction? If you don't do this it's ok, just ignore it. Can I ask for a rap line demon!yandere when they decide that y/n belong to them? Like they want y/n soul but they want y/n to submit to them. Again thank you! 🐾🍃

You are Ours

Word Count: 1.2K

Trigger warnings: yandere themes, manipulation

“Can you guys keep it down?! I actually have a life!” You shouted angrily at the three men that were bickering at the back of your single apartment. They all silenced themselves for a second but continued their argument in whispers. You shook your head until you heard the familiar flap of wings. In an instant, your head snapped towards them. Your eyes caught the mesmerizing sight of black and beautiful wings that spread out in the room. Your eyes were enthralled, glittering and shining as the young gentleman fluffed out and stretched his wings.The man smirked, proudly showing off his wings before retracting them back. The two of the other men looked back and forth between his wings and your face, their gaze indifferent.

“It would be so much easier if you just died.” He stated bluntly, shrugging his shoulders, his wings moving in unison. To anyone else, this would’ve seemed like a horrible comment to make, completely insensitive. But, Yoongi was already dead, living his life as a demon and had always made similar comments. It was childish to you that he thought you would believe him. How would that even be possible? At most, you believed you would end up as an angel if that even existed. Why did they think you would end up at a demon? Ridiculous.

“Yeah yeah, and my life would be easier if you guys just left me alone and didn’t annoy me.” You snapped, focusing back onto your laptop. Frustration built up over the months as these three annoyingly childish men followed you around. With their consistent whispering into your ear of horrible ideas and insults to people that couldn’t even see them, you quickly grew tired.

“Aw, you don’t actually believe that though,” Yoongi replied back, sending you a suggestive wink. “Remember when I first met you?” He swooned, closing his eyes and bringing his hands together to his chest.

You let out a deep sigh. “Of course I remember.” It was difficult to forget. The first thing that came out of his mouth when you saw him floating in the sky was absolutely ridiculous.

‘Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to fly by again?’

You heard Yoongi snicker behind you to the two other men, recognizing the repressed giggles of Hoseok. Ah, Hoseok. He was a pain too. For a demon, he was the annoying inconveniences in life, but in a human form. Or demon form? Sigh.

Being the evil thing he was, Hoseok had set up several pranks during first dates you had with other me. The embarrassment was enormous, causing you to cringe and shake your head furiously when your mind drifted back to them. He didn’t stop there. When the three boys followed you around, he was the one to whisper scandalous ideas into your ear, later bursting into giggles. It was people like him that gave you trust issues. His face held an innocent and bubbly expression, but behind it was a sinister personality in disguise.

The last man in the trio was Namjoon. He was the quiet one in the group, the youngest. You weren’t sure what kind of person, or demon, he was. His eyes silently observed you, only speaking when necessary. There was a feeling in your gut that he was insecure with himself. Unlike the other boys, he rarely showed his wings, preferring to hide them when he wasn’t flying around. Though, another part of you was sure he was just judging you and the boys as you constantly yelled at them.

You had expected them to actually want something from you, or maybe even hurt you. They seemed ‘normal’ in the sense that their personalities were only on the extreme sides. So it wasn’t until you sat down and thought about it that it hit you that you weren’t actually sure what they were capable of. It frightened you the first few days, locking everything you could, hoping they wouldn’t be able to follow you. But just like you didn’t want to admit, they always got in, suddenly appearing as a burst of feathers fell onto the ground.

You quickly gave after that, only pleading with them to give you some privacy for your own sake and pride. They didn’t really understand but shrugged and agreed. Of course, you weren’t actually sure if they were keeping their promise. For all you knew, they could’ve been secretly watching you change or shower. It gave you shivers whenever you thought about it, making you self-conscious and paranoid. Were you ever truly alone?

Now you were stuck with these annoying men who seemed to fight every single day. Namjoon would growl with some passive-aggressive comments, which Hoseok would deflect gracefully, and Yoongi forgetting what they were arguing about but getting mad at being insulted at. It confused you how they were still ‘friends’ every day.

It was a secret pact that you shared with them. As you carried out your daily routine, no one would see them beside you. Sometimes, you would share small smiles with them as you caught their gaze. Why should you treat them differently when they haven’t done anything to you? Why do you need to know everything about them to have some friendship or connection with them?

You wouldn’t admit it to their faces, mostly because they were all narcissists in a way, but you liked their presence. Every day was filled with unpredictability and laughter. You would notice the small smile that would grace Namjoon’s lips, fluttering your heart and sending a warm feeling through your body.

Sometimes, you wouldn’t see them for days. They would disappear, leaving you all alone. The apartment was no longer filled with laughter and chatter. You would shut yourself in your apartment on the weekends, trying to drink and forget your problems. The circle repeated for a month, feeling a hollow feeling linger in your chest.

On a particular morning, you woke up to the humming of someone sitting next to you. Your head groggy, you slouched up, slowing cracking your eyes open. A pair of strong arms supported you up, his wings circling around you.

“Good morning, beautiful.” he deep voice whispered, your mind automatically registering it as Namjoon. You nudged your body closer to him, for some strange reason, his body emitting a comfortable warmth.

“Missedyou.” You slurred, still in your sleepy state as rested your head on his shoulder. A smirk graced Namjoon’s lips as he brought his lips close to your ear.

“We missed you too… Do you want us to stay with you?” You nodded your head, your mind fluttering through the times where you didn’t feel all alone. Yoongi and Hoseok appeared on each side of Namjoon’s shoulders, smirking. “Well, it’s a deal then.” Namjoon finished, wrapping both of his arms around your back.

In an instant, all the figures in the living room disappeared, leaving the apartment abandoned.

“Wow Namjoon,” Hoseok remarked. “I didn’t think that would actually work.”

“Well, it was absolute torture,” Yoongi muttered.

“Whatever, it worked. So shut your mouth.” Namjoon spit, carefully holding your sleeping figure. “She’s ours now.”

-🎉 nomnomsik

I love you! Thanks for reading~ (UNEDITED)

[hrfiction]

Trivia Tuesday: Deleted Scene from God’s Plan

Just found out this was a thing and think it’s brilliant to see the way other people write and think. I would recommend exploring the Trivia Tuesday Tag, its so interesting and there are a lot of awesome writers there.

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This Tuesday’s prompt is:

Creators: give a “behind the scenes” look at one of your works. This could be things that got removed or changed, the origins of ideas/details, whatever you like!

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Deleted Scene: Lucifer’s Falls off the Balcony

Originally this was supposed to be Lucifer’s “aha” moment where he grows as a person and sees his life flash before his eyes. Then i realized I needed a scene with him and Ezria instead where he is forced to go to heaven for the last time.

Scene was originally in Chapter 4: Reverence. Lucifer, drunk off his ass and grieving, has just climbed onto the edge of the balcony and yelled at God to end him. Amenadiel has had enough of his antics.

“I’m not going to encourage this behavior. When you feel like talking, you know where to find me.”

Lucifer groans.

“Awww come on, Amenadiel!” he says, amused at Amenadiel’s discomfort.

“You’re supposed to be the good son!”

Lucifer moves to put his cigarette case into his pocket. He pushes his hand too far and feels the case slip from his fingers. It falls past his pocket and bounces off the railing. He turns to catch it, but moves too far and loses his footing.

“Shit!” he hisses as the cigarette falls out of his mouth, and he goes careening off the edge.

Amenadiel turns around just as Lucifer’s feet pass the bottom of the balcony.

“Luci!” he gasps.

From where he lays, falling a story a second, Lucifer stares up towards the balcony with a strange déjà vu. 

He’s drunk, but in his drunkenness and at this moment, there is clarity. He looks up towards the night sky, and for a second it opens up, and he’s staring at an endless expanse of stars and gasses. 

Instead of his house robe, he wears the white and golden robe of his childhood. It is stained, and he can feel the warmth that flows through him isn’t alcohol, but blood.

His wings are bleeding.

His eyes water as suddenly his entire long-life flashes before his eyes. It is sad and beautiful. Quick, yet haunting. Each memory digs into his skin, grabbing at him like a thousand hands.

It is whole and incomplete.

Full, yet unfinished.

It is everything he has ever done and the things he never had a chance to do.

Of his fall from heaven.

Of watching humans torture themselves.

Of authority and command. 

Of leading and punishing.

It is a thousand years of burning and weeping. 

Of falling lustfully into pits of pleasure that do nothing to drown the pain.

Of drinking and of drugs.

Of finding someone who sees through it all.

Of pining and feeling the tinge of hope. 

Of feeling love, real love.

Of wanting to be better.

Of fearing becoming the worst.

His eyes begin to well with the realization of his own mortality. 

Of the end. 

Of wondering where he will go from here. 

Of realizing he did this to himself.

Of wondering if she will blame herself.

Of hoping, praying, she won’t.

It was his fault and his alone.

He had been stupid and prideful. He had been selfish and narcissistic.

God only provided the path. It was Lucifer who chose to rebel. 

It was Lucifer who chose to fight back until his wings were bloody, and he was falling from the heavens.

It was Lucifer who built an army and a world of his own, who had upset the order of things and turned his family against him.

It was Lucifer who came to earth and gave humans what it was they wanted. Who defied God at every turn as if it were a sport.

It was Lucifer who fell in love and demanded Chloe love him the way he wanted her to. 

It was Lucifer who pushed her away, who blamed her for not waiting.

Finally, it was Lucifer who climbed onto the balcony like a fool and lost his footing.

It was him who was falling to his death, feet away from probably the only brother who cared to save him.

Even after he had looked down at him and blamed him for things that Lucifer had done. Even after Hell and Charlotte. 

Even after Uriel.

He turns his head, the ground approaching much faster than he feels it should. He can feel the wind smacking against his back, the feeling of weightlessness, and being so heavy at the same time.

It both the longest few seconds of his life, but somehow it also feels like the shortest.

Suddenly, he understands it all. 

What luxury he had indeed, he thinks. And now he was a poor man wanting – hoping – for a few more seconds.

He turns back to see the face of Amenadiel, his wings spread and his eyes wide.

“Luci!” he yells, his hands reaching out to grab him. His eyes in panic and determination.

Lucifer can’t hear him over the sound of time rushing by his ears. He can see Amenadiel’s face, though. All the worry and fear.

He had a world of people who would weep for his loss, but he was too busy feeling damned to see it.

Lucifer reaches out, even as his eyes are is filled with the knowledge that it is too late. He will hit the ground and splatter into a thousand pieces before Amenadiel even touches his shadow.

It is over, he thinks, and he wouldn’t be able to give her a proper goodbye.

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice cracking beneath the weight of it all.

Beneath the realization that he had been his own executioner. 

He had an inkling. He had confessed himself to Chloe, all of it, but the words paled in comparison to feeling it. To knowing it deep within his spirit. Of seeing it all rush into his mind in what would be his final seconds.

He had been in denial, but death made denial impossible. There was no room for it here.

He doesn’t know if this death will be his last, but it feels final. It feels like him disappearing now would be him disappearing from the lives of everyone he’d ever known. By the time he came back, if he came back, they would be long dead; fallen from their own mortal coil.

And it is a coil, he thinks. 

It tenses in his gut and feels like a bowling ball lodged in his intestines. It’s heavy and laden with fear and regret, ready to spring into action on the moment of impact. 

“Luci!” Amenadiel yells as he too does the math in his head and realizes he won’t make it in time.

He pulls his wings back, gathering air beneath them that pulls them farther apart.

Lucifer watches him, sorrow in his eyes. In sorrow that knowing, like the Detective, Amenadiel will blame himself. But it isn’t Amenadiel’s fault, or Chloe’s fault, it is his and his alone.

He scoffs and lets a brief chuckle leave his lips as tears fall from his eyes.

Mortals and their guilt.

He relaxes his body, no longer fighting the current but rather welcoming it. Ready to succumb.

He closes his eyes and lays back as if floating in a pool of water. He accepts his fate. He did this. 

He made a choice and will accept the consequences.

He shuts his eyes and waits for an end.

Except the end never comes.

The sound of time rushing past his ears stops and is replaced with low hum and heavy panting.

He opens his eyes slowly, no longer feeling the wind on his back. 

Instead of being met with the night sky, or perhaps the fog of limbo, he is met with a far more familiar sight. 

It is the light fixture above his living room. 

He tilts his head and furrows his eyebrows.

“What the-“

“I did it,” Amenadiel says, shocked. 

He starts to laugh maniacally, shocked, and relieved that he did it. 

Lucifer turns his eyes downward to see Amenadiel standing at his feet, a wild look in his eyes.

He slowly sits up, completely confused about what the fuck just happened.

“I did it!” Amenadiel says again, “I got my gift back.”

“I …,” Lucifer says, his brain not processing it, “You …”

“I slowed time. Just enough that I could get to you and bring you here.”

“I … but that never works on me,” Lucifer says, confused.

“Well, you were never mortal before,” Amenadiel says.

Lucifer slowly stands up, still stumbling and drunk but sitting in the clarity that near-death has given him. It isn’t the kind of clarity that comes and goes, waning with the tide of new desires. It doesn’t hide behind reinvigorated pride or self-interest.

No, this clarity  holds steadfast to him.

Even with the realization that is isn’t over, that he will have time to do all the things he wants, he still feels seconds away from death’s door. Like now that he realizes how valuable time is, he realizes how little of it he actually has. 

It was no longer something to be wasted.

This must be what Chloe feels like, he thinks, and suddenly the idea of waiting for him – for anyone – for two years seems …absurd.

Even more so, expecting someone to wait for two years seems unkind. 

The shock of it all wears off slowly as he stands there, staring into nothingness. The adrenaline in his system cutting through his inebriation only slightly. Amenadiel is saying something, joy in his own heart, but Lucifer doesn’t hear him. When he finally tunes back in, he turns to Amenadiel, his eyebrows furrowed.

“How did you know that would work?” he says, turning to Amenadiel.

“I didn’t,” Amenadiel says, “but what was my other option?”

Lucifer swallows, his eyes still wild, and his hands shaking. In one move, he pitches forward and wraps his arms around Amenadiel, holding him tightly.

“We did it,” Amenadiel says with a smile.

Lucifer just holds onto him, his eyes welling with tears even as he tries to choke them back.

It feels like too much. To be on the other end of it all. How did mortals do this everyday?

“We called them weak and irrational. Judged them for their impulsiveness and lack of moral code,” Lucifer says, his tears now tears of anger and rage. 

Of feeling foolish and cruel.

“Look down on them like they were nothing more than animals we crated. Treating them like undesirables,” he continues. 

Amenadiel furrows his eyes, realizing Lucifer is holding onto him in a way that isn’t just a thank you for saving his life. It’s … tight, like he was holding onto life itself.

“Luci?” Amenadiel asks.

“How can we be so merciless?” he asks, horror and contempt in his voice.

Amenadiel holds onto him, realizing what he is saying.

“So apathetic,” Lucifer continues.

Lucifer clings to Amenadiel, the tears falling from his face. 

“Are you okay?” Amenadiel asks.

He nods, trying to hold onto what little he has left of his composure.

“Good,” he says, nodding, “Good. Yes.”

Amenadiel stands there, Lucifer still holding him tight.

When Lucifer stops shaking, he clears his throat and steps away from Amenadiel.

“Thank you,” he says sheepishly as if the idea of genuinely thanking Amenadiel was new.

Lucifer turns and slowly walks back over to the bar, the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He gets halfway there before he doubles over and vomits. With the added adrenaline in his system, his stomach is now too unsteady to hold the excess liquor in his system.

Lucifer gasps between each cramp before spitting and stumbling over to the barstool to have a seat.

“Mortals have incredibly weak stomachs I am finding,” he says.

Amenadiel smiles, still happy that his powers worked. God must …he pauses.

“Luci,” he says, his eyes wide,” do you know what this means?”

Lucifer nods, “Yes that I need to move to something two, three stories at max.”

He reaches into his pocket to pull out his cigarette case before realizing why he had fallen in the first place. It wasn’t there.

“and perhaps that I need to quit smoking,” he says.

Amenadiel walks around the couch, around the vomit, and approaches him at the bar.

“I got my powers back to save you. Father doesn’t want you dead.”

Lucifer nods, “and neither do I. Seems we finally have something in common.”

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

It's like everytime some shit goes bad or I feel wronged, my head starts spiraling, spinning like grandma's record player.

Thinking bout Jay, Ayunna, Terrell, Tatyana, My old jobs, sometimes in that exact order...

Just anything that pisses me off or feels similar and I'm ready to strike again, I'm ready to beat some ass for making my heart feel cold, feel numb like this.

The idea that people don't care about my well being, my mental health, just like these 4 idiots.

I want them executed from my life, burned like witches at the stake for causing me pain in my brain, my heart, the headaches....the tears I don't tell anybody about from remembering every single little thing about when they wronged me, they played me, Jay pushed me away, taty pushed me off of her and told me she didn't want me to touch her, Ayunna using me and Jay not caring cause they were doing it too....Its like I can't even yell at them anymore or tell them how it feels to be hurt a year or more after they hit me on my back. That spot Jay hit me at....

I'll always remember and that's what sucks. And these assholes don't even give a fuck because it's not their pain.

If they could take a walk in my shoes, with my enormous brain remembering everything and everything playing in my head like silly school children in my class, talking about my past, what I wanna be, where I wanna be, and then time is calling you but you don't even know if you're actually in the wrong class or distracted from what's the truth.

I hate looking through bad mirrors, they make you see that I chose to be with them all. All four of them and I did not like it. I dated Terrell to get over the fact that Jay didn't want a commitment with me but still wanted me to be the groupie, the friend, dragging me in, leading me on whenever I would try to actually get the relationship I deserved. A real life, hugging, loving, kissing boyfriend from which I thought was him, I thought it was Teddy and it wasn't right. He ended up revealing his true self that he tried to hide from me, and all I ever wanted to do with him was to forget Jay, stop liking Jay, and be treated to a date by somebody who actually wants to kiss me whenever we want to, hold my hand, walk me down the street, proud to claim me and make me feel special, like it was just him and me. And Teddy cuddled me all night long, he even hugged me. Sex felt so much nicer with him because he let me do whatever I wanted to with him and we even did public stuff. Like there was no rules and I was so happy to be finally treated and wanted that 1st couple of weeks with him. Jay never let me do any of that with them because of Ayunna, but real talk I think it was because of Jay's dysphoria and intimacy issues as the reason why we never made out, never held hands, and Jay only hugged me once out of 2yrs of us being friends and I've never met a person who had such a serious against, against approach to commitment, sex, kissing, or even just me asking them some personal questions about their past. It was like they were so scared for me to see them without the masks on masks they wear around Ayunna and especially other people's families.

Jay wasn't the right man I was looking for to have a family with, even though I got so close to them, but they weren't close to me. Only time Jay revealed something was when they figured I was gonna leave or date somebody else.

which also leads to my other rebound Taty, who I just blocked on insta cause I hate seeing her face now since she won't do the reciprocal courtesy of returning me my only hoodie from College. I want it back cause it's mine, and I alreadypaid $10 to get hers sent back. She's slow and petty. and it's already been a year since I broke up with her. At first I thought we could be friends after breakup, but I realized her being the nicest girl.....at first.....then switching up on me, blowing me off, not talking, ignoring texts for hrs just to play video games after I already waited to text her when she usually got up at 3pm or 5pm due to her lupus....that should have ended sooner because I wanted a gf to do gf stuff with, like yes, serious relationship with somebody who actually went out of their way to sow me a handmade pillow by herself and even wrote a beautiful love letter, like I always wanted to have from someone who means alot to me. Poetry included.

I really thought taty wouldn't let me down and was serious about me like she had meant in her gifts and attention in the beginning. I didn't like how after she told me her depression was making her disconnect from me, that she goes and hangs out with her friends more, not really making plans with me anymore, like I was the one planning quality time...

And she didn't care how that made me feel and I felt so alone about it. Like they went on a trip up in the great lakes and she didn't think to ask me if I wanted to come and other people bfs went....like wow

Slowly cutting me off, like if you were losing interest in me why not say so, so I could end it earlier?

And then she goes to tell me she's dating her married friend, whose wedding we were supposed to go to together. Like no wonder, you blew off quality time with me to go stay at her house after the bridal shower? And I took a 40 min ride all the way up there to come see you....like get your priorities straight.

Obviously I didn't matter that much to you, so yea I broke up with you.

There's only so many times I can tolerate being blown off or pushed away and then I go ghost, I go cold and numb, and yes the truth is revealed, and then I turn into a bitch. And I hate getting like that. Especially if I'm over on the other side, by myself, cause weren't communicating with me.

And I hate her for that shit too. Cause she thinks she did nothing wrong. As if she has every right to keep my Hoodie, my personal property, just because you don't feel like it. Your grandma practically still takes care of you. We ain't a good match either.

so now I'm alone....no new friends yet....still bitching.

cause I don't know if the next time I trust somebody, are they gonna use me, make fun of me like JA, take my money, hurt my soul, and showoff that they care in front of my face, but really out here doing shit behind your back for themselves...

I don't trust anybody right now, not even family so much too. And I don't wanna go down that road.

Maybe I just need to go in the gym like Hodgetwins and get so swollen and buffed up that it won't matter how exes used to treat you in your old body. They can't disrespect in my new one, cause Imma feel 10x better, and 10x stronger than before. Cause I don't want no immature, shallow fuckboats try to treat love like its a business or a silly little ass girl who don't even know the 1st thing about true, mature relationships like I've seen or had to deal with all by myself.

I've never had a partner who treated me like their future was present and that I was the only woman they needed in their life to really make my dream of real true love come true. And I'm disappointed in everybody who let me down and to believing that the right one for me is gonna treat me right, and not hurt me like the dumb bitches they all were. I hate them for that. They make me wanna give up my love for love and just work without even really going for anything because it's scary.

It's scary knowing that even when someone who asks you out, tells you they like you, hugs you and kisses you, can switch up on you and not think you're the one that whole experience you were with them.

I trusted everyone and they hurt me right back.

And they didn't care

And I can't make them see that, how unfair it was to be always waiting, being treated like I was so unwanted, but just want me to be there when they wanted me to.

It hurts that I can't call or see Jay face to face to actually get closure on why the fuck did you play with my head for so long and my heart for so many years, while you jeopardized every sexual relationship I'll ever have later on in life because I can't trust another man, another girl, who kisses me or even touches me because I'll always think I need to wait or runaway before they hurt me like you did me. Lying to me with a smile, a kiss meant nothing to you, but it did to me and you knew that. You steady manipulated and led me on, thinking that we could just move on from the damage because you didn't want to say sorry or treat me better, or do things right. You always acted like when I tried to call you out, I was too emotional, too sensitive when honestly the stuff that you said, the things you did, I could have sent you to jail for.

You're a dirty, low down thief, a tyrant, an opportunist. And I hate every single piece of shit who reminds me of you. The sociopathic, sadist, Narcissist with dissociative identity disorder that they probably need to see a psychiatrist for to get that checked every year. Jay abused me and used me, and I thought the power of love would have brought us together in peace, in good harmony, able to speak our minds freely and friendly, be on one accord with each other.

But Jay's too sick in the head to even care or even Apologize and own up to what they said. Felt like chutes and ladders, always going up and down and around my old self for them. Even bringing my child like self into the bedroom, the one I should have kept protected.

Jay is nothing but a coward, a weakling. Changing their name to escape the past they brought upon themselves or was inflicted on them by someone else. Never really showing who they truly are or who they care for, except Ayunna. Just like playing cards. They played themselves when they thought I could never change, I could never learn who they were, when they repeat the same moves in different stories.

Jay never thought that I could outgrow them and they not know where I am or who I'm bringing a baby home to, or who I am today. Jay needs help, medicine, therapy and a solid family home.

And I have to keep forgiving even on days like today when it's hard to not think about grandma and me not wanting to go to this interview because I don't need anymore pressure 🙃

..

[honestlyscreeching]

Things I have learned about being with a commitment-phobe.

        Let me preface- this is not a story about my current significant other. At this point in time, I’m about to marry my high school sweetheart and everything is going swimmingly. This is a story about someone that I had rescued from Canada, their name shall be Finn for anonymity reasons. 

Finn and I always had a tumultuous relationship. It seemed like every week we had the highest of highs- which were followed immediately by the lowest of lows. As nerdy as it sounds, we met on a game which had been popular at the time called: “Gmod”. Thus started a series of cheating on eachother, screaming matches, and blocking/unblocking eachother every week. One thing I can say is that our fights now at least make sense; back then they consisted of two very immature people each trying to get their own way. 

And then I asked him to move to Michigan which in hindsight- was a terrible idea. Why did I move this random man to my hometown to live with me? His mother is schizophrenic and wouldn’t allow him to leave the house. This man is two years older than I am, and he wasn’t allowed to leave the house. Let that sink in.

At this time, I was dating somebody who I was embarrassed to be around and to be honest- I used to get over my ex. Not proud of that fact, but its the truth. This is where things start getting fucky. Sometime in April(?) of 2016, Finn came to live with me. The weeks leading up to this day, I had moved out of my boyfriends apartment to find a place for Finn and I. The reason that this was okay with him was that the apartment I was staying in was crowded with other roommates, and I was not a leaseholder. 

So the day arrives, I have to pick Finn up from the airport, so I pack up my shitty 2003 Pontiac Vibe and take my happy ass to Detroit Metro. When Finn and I saw eachother for the first time, I knew that we were going to be inseparable. After we had met up, we stayed the night at my cousin’s place in Lansing. That whole night we toured downtown East Lansing, held hands, laughed, and drank copious amounts of liquor. Thing I learned number 1: commitment-phobes love to pressure you for sex. Finn at the time was a virgin. Now not all virgins are super pushy and want to plead to you for sex, but Finn was. The more drunk we had gotten, the pushier he would be. 

Finn: I really want to have sex, we don’t have to tell your boyfriend

Me: No

Finn: Okay well lets just drink more... Can I just kiss you?

Me: No

Everything after that I don’t remember. But I do know for a fact we had sex as the next day we had woken up next to eachother naked.

Fast forward some time, Finn and I had stopped talking because we both did some fucked up shit. Lesson number two: If you cut off contact with a toxic person, it probably isn’t a good idea to bring them back into your life.

Lesson number 3: If he is prioritizing his friends over being with you, he probably isn’t that into you. 

Lesson number 4: If he hides the fact that you are talking or have some sort of friendship to his other friends, he doesn’t actually want you in his life. 

These are all very important points for the next segment. Finn and I reconnected, I think I showed him a meme (I’m an idiot) and he had begged (not really begged, it didn’t take much convincing) me to hang out with him. Of course, I gave in because the rose colored glasses were on and I thought that maybe he had changed. Surprise surprise, I was wrong.  

After awhile of being just friends, I had realized that I was in love with Finn. Which really fucking sucked because he wanted nothing to do with me. The thing that makes this really ironic is that at the beginning of the relationship, Finn warned me that he doesn’t like relationships/didn’t actually want to be with me. My dumbass thought that “Oh I’m different, we were made to be together”. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Lesson 5: If he states that he doesn't want to be with anyone and you begin a relationship anyways, don’t be surprised when he doesn't want to be with you.

I wasn’t special to him. I don’t think that I’ve ever been special to him. Which, he warned me so I guess it was just divine retribution coming to bite me in the ass. Finn and I had a somewhat functioning relationship. It was a lot healthier than it had ever been, I will say that. But Finn and I are two very different people when it comes to how we love, interact, and show empathy. 

Lesson 6: If you are an empath and the person you are dating is a narcissist, chances are things will not work out in your favor.

I’ve known my fair share of narcissists. My father being one of them. So dealing with people that constantly think about themselves is kind of my forte. 

Finn always put his needs/wants before my own. In a relationship ideally you give, and you take. Most of the time I feel like Finn used me for whatever he needed me for (sex, company, someone to listen, etc.) and then I’m useless to him. Its like a never ending roller-coaster of trying to guess whether or not I’m useful to him that day. 

From day one, the relationship was kept by his standards and rules. We were both allowed to sleep with whoever we wanted, we could do whatever we wanted, but at the end of the day (or week since he usually only wanted to see me once a week) we belonged to eachother romantically. As I grew more attached to Finn, I had expressed my desire for more serious commitment. 

“But I like what we have”

Lesson 7: If he tells you that he likes what you currently have, he has no intention of ever committing to you longterm.

Everyday I felt like a sidechick. Just another girl that he occasionally sleeps with. At this point he refused to say that he loved me, he refused to say that we were in a relationship, and he refused to change his ways. But I stayed. I stayed because I loved him more than he could possibly ever understand. 

Annnnnddd then he tried DMT. 

I know, kind of a curveball. 

The nature of our relationship changed dramatically after Finn had tried DMT. Albeit after three sessions, but still. He said that he loved me while he was in a drug induced psychosis. Out of the entire time Finn and I had been together, I think this is the only genuine moment where I could feel that he cared. Maybe the DMT had made it so that I knew some part of him was telling the truth? Who knows. All I know is that after this, things were good for awhile. We almost never fought, which was a stark contrast to how things used to be. Everything was good. He started saying I love you more, we started going on dates, it felt like we were in a real relationship. 

But all good things come to an end.

Lesson 8: If you tell them to stop hanging out with a girl that they had slept with in the past and they do it anyways, they don’t respect your feelings or your relationship.

Things started going downhill after we had tripped together at a concert. While I felt very connected to him, he felt very distant from me. After we had gotten back, he had been acting strangely. Generally, Finn is always an irritable person. But you have to understand we went from wanting and loving eachother to all of a sudden almost no contact, and when there was contact it went sour. Thinking I did something wrong, I brought him a pizza to try and make up for whatever I had done. Was I too pushy with my affection? Was I being bitchy? Did I do something wrong? What did I do? 

And then he told me that he had two girls over, one of which he had a previous “affair” with. 

So why is this an issue if we had an “open” relationship?

At this point in the relationship I had expressed that I wanted him to be monogamous for a time until he could prove to me that he wasn't going to leave or go behind my back.This woman was married and with two kids, which I also found a huge problem with (the husband was unaware of her infidelity).

All night I begged and pleaded for him to just go home, just leave, she wants to sleep with you and you know she does. So what does he do? He got drunk at the bar with her and took her back home.

Lesson 9: Getting cheated on really, really, REALLY hurts.

For weeks I tried to cope with the betrayal. I could physically feel the emotional pain. Off and on I would go into hysterics and throw up as a result. I stopped eating, I stopped caring, I even skipped a semester of college. 

Why did I love someone that continued to hurt me?

Lesson 10: He will only want you if you threaten to leave.

Over that time, Finn and I debated back and forth about the prospects of staying together or not. It was absolute hell. Being on the ropes about whether or not someone wants to be with you and having no sense of security put you in a spot where you’re constantly preparing for that person to leave your life. Finn never asked me to hang out, he never tried to atone for his mistakes, most of the time he just yelled at me or treated me like an annoyance. Until I started actively trying to leave him.

Lesson 11: If you’re going to leave, LEAVE. DO NOT respond. Use your willpower, stick to your guns, remember all the toxic things that he would do to you.

I was a dummy. I didn’t leave. I refused to leave. Failure was never an option in my eyes. By leaving, it meant that I had failed him. I promised to always be there, come hell or high water and I had no intention to ever break that promise despite how much pain that I was in. 

So- Finn and I still yell at eachother back and forth to this day. We’re great friends but he is a terrible lover. Over time, I slowly just started to realize that Finn would never love me the way that I loved him. 

Which brings me to my next point, acceptance.

Lesson 12: Accept that the situation is pointless.

Arguing back and forth will not solve anything. Repetitive reinforcement, proof of change, a caring attitude are all things that will solve the problem. If you genuinely love your commitment-phobe and you want to make things work, it will take a lot of trust exercises and communication. Now if your partner is anything like Finn, they will NOT want to communicate with you. At what point do you call it quits? If they are unwilling to cooperate, unwilling to communicate, and unwilling to make a change in the relationship then what can be done?

Long of the short is, do what you feel in your heart is right. If your head wants them and misses them but you know deep down in your gut that something is wrong, always follow your gut feeling. Don’t try to make it work with someone who is unwilling to make it work with you.