#Negative feedback loops
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When people don’t reply to me, my first thought is:
“Oh dear, I must have done something wrong and now they’re upset with me.��
Then after I’ve thought over all my recent interactions with them, I conclude that I probably haven’t done anything that would warrant them being really upset with me, and that I am probably just overthinking it and likely they’re just really busy.
Then my next thought -
“Oh no maybe they’re dead!”
Then I proceed to go through all their recent social media posts to determine proof of life.
When I don’t find anything up to date (i.e within a day), I message someone close to them and have a casual conversation and then casually drop in somewhere “oh have you heard from so and so lately?”
And then the friend will confirm that they have. So I’m like, casually, “oh cool, great, yeah.”
And then in my head I’m like “so they’re alive but they haven’t replied back to me…
maybe I’ve done something wrong and now they’re upset with me.”
And I’m back to square one again.
#Introvert problems#social interactions#why is it so hard#Negative feedback loops#confessions#Not saying this is ok#But I wish my brain wasn’t like this
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Blood on your hands.
Idea was made by @baylardo. She provided a little scribble and I messed with it.
#the spiral in the episode night I guess#there arent many characters out there that show true reclusion and depression feedback loops#she cant control people's fates :(#kathryn janeway#im not too happy with this but its just a quick little bit of practice lol#a mashup of my style with baylardo's#burple skivvy my beloved#startrek voyager#st:voy#captain janeway#janeway#art#my art#when ur on ur period (promised i would put that in the tags)#ummm yeah funny cos i feel a little neg about my art and stuff in my life right now IRONIC#i resent that i have to keep up art inbetween other art otherwise my skill rapidly degenerates sad!!!!#star trek voyager
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Hey Laurent, Maybe it was all of you NOT being open about anything that put him under intense mental and emotional pressure for one of the most physical weekends on the calendar? And maybe, it was the way that allowed every so-called reporter in the paddock to say the nastiest shit to his face and call it journalism.
#sorry i've been trying to not be a negative feedback loop after i first calmed down yesterday#but seeing this sent me over the actual edge#Openness he could have handled but the way you fed him to the wolves like a lamb to slaughter#and then forced him to perform for you#and then talk about his execution in the most vulnerable of terms#All the while its been marked on your calendar for weeks#fuck off you french fuck#I will go back to happy posts soon#I will go back to making fun stuff that brings me joy soon#promise
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hardly did enough writing tonight. hit 3k words with this day 1 piece though. worried it might be the only thing I get done for the week once it rolls around but I'm hoping by all means that it isn't. I just,, don't have a lot of time
I have to keep fending off the insecurity that everything I write no one's going to like bc it's starting to get a bit asinine atp. there's so much of my stuff for this week that I'm gatekeeping for no real reason other than I'm afraid no one cares
like,, I have so much fun writing in my own little world but the minute I realise I'm showing the world this too (eventually), I get super worried that everything I've ever done is boring and derivative and I'm gonna get shit for it
it really does go in roundabouts. ik I'll be fine the next time I get around to writing but MAN could I just be cool for one second fr. I feel like a fucking clown when I'm like this
#bee blabs#I do have to reassure myself sometimes that I do have a decent grip on how to write a narrative#I'm not perfect ofc but I could be doing worse than I am#I like to tell myself it's just everyone else but it's like lathering butter over burnt toast#anyway I'm cool. I'll be cool.#we just be in a negative feedback loop as it happens#cest la vie it is what it is kinda deal rn#(I've been distancing myself from 1:1 convos AND gcs a bit to see if it helps but I can't tell yet)#too many thoughts. might be better to go to sleep I think
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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the more hate lorelai gets the more i like her as a character<3 calling her abusive is insane. she is seventeen and has the worst coping mechanism (and father) imaginable. like i used to not like her but i’ve read into her since then and i do appreciate her a lot more now lol
#like. hm ramble time i have thoughts#yes she is mean but she’s shown to feel remorse about it#people say bad things in the spur of the moment#they don’t always mean them#she’s stuck in her own epithets cycle and she doesn’t like it but doesn’t know how else to cope with things#her escapism gets more powerful the more she does it!!!#she’s so clearly being set up to be redeemed later of course she’s an ass now she’s supposed to be the antagonist of the book!!!#her and molly both know that molly can dumb down any magical hits she throws#when she does end up actually harming someone (rick/almost naven) it is devastating to her#just. head in my hands. there is reasoning for the way she acts if you look#and you may not be able to relate to it#but that doesn’t make that reasoning irrational or irrelevant#part of it is her epithet positive feedback loop which isnt exactly a real thing lol#she has 17 year old girl disease. where you are 17 and a girl#fuzzy ramblese#you’re allowed to hate any character i think#i just think trying to understand why they’re Like That is important#lori having reasoning for why she’s Like That doesn’t make her negative traits likable necessarily. just understandable
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Surprisingly, despite being part of the horror genre, TMA does a lot for keeping my anxiety in check. I’ll have a thought like “Everyone thinks I’m stupid and shallow and nobody can nor will see me as I am!”and then go “Hmm.. this is kind of like the Lonely” and think about Martin instead of… um.. spiraling.
#bonemeal says silly stuff#It has also solved my anxiety feedback loop problem!!!!#Cause now instead of noticing my fear and hyper focusing on that in a way that won’t let me leave the fear#I notice the fear and go ‘FEAR?!?!?!?!? JUST LIKE?!?!?! JUST LIKE THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES!?!!?!!!??!!’#Deeply overwhelmed by the amount of work I have in a way that keeps me from working#and I think ‘who else has an overwhelming amount of work? JONATHAN SIMS HEAD ARCHIVIST OF THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE!’#and it inspires me to take everything statement by statement#piece by piece#Like all shocking amount of my negative (and positive) thoughts can be connected back to the archives#It’s probably because im stuck in the first moment of an obsession where#EVERYTHING is about it and it’s the only thing I can think about#BUT! Proving useful thus far. I’m having a very scary and stressful time and this is great.#Bad thing is uh. It’s difficult to pay attention in class when my head is so full of TMA#I listen to TMA in art class and draw it in every other one#tma
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It's crazy remembering Hawke can become Viscount of Kirkwall for a minute. HAWKE.
#i think about my pro-templar hawke a lot#i dont think he was really truly pro templar he just let pain guide him#which isnt really better#by that time in his life he saw mages as being behind every major tragedy in his life and others#bethany was the 'last good one' and he failed to protect her#and romancing fenris was just a negative feedback loop on the subject#so anders destroys the chantry and silas sides with meredith#he still doesnt think all the mages should be killed but thats like......too little of a thought at that point#bing bang boom viscount of kirkwall#he's my favorite hawke outside my canon#purple hawke through and through too
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why is my self esteem so weird broo
#like objectively im quite well adjusted when it comes to that i think like i know i have friends who enjoy my company and im a worthy person#it just gets weird when it comes my romantic imaginings#ok so it works kinda like a negative feedback loop right#so i get really really delusion-> i recognise it and start negative self talking to like bring myself down to reality#*delusional#and its stuff like 'youre unlovable' kinda shit which really easily TANKS this whole precarious self esteem situation ive got going on#but i dont know how else to effectively make myself not delusion (cant think of a better way to put it)#so.... sigh. idk#this isnt a big problem im just musing aloud... the best solution to this is that i wake up with mind reading powers tmrw 🤞#vee rambles#i went through this but like magnified by twenty ages ago and that was Not Great. thankful we're not having a repeat of that at least
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Do NOT update me on that bitch unless he is DEAD (or doing so terribly it’s comical)
#goddddddddddd it’s not fair how much of my mind he still takes up /neg#in like. in a way that every time I’m walking alone in my neighborhood I feel my heart race in fear that Today will be the day I see him#and then what will happen#realistically nothing but he makes me so irrationally scared and anxious#I hate our proximity dear god let him be exploded#cause I haven’t had therapy and don’t know how to unpack All Of That. every time I think too hard about it it’s like#I end up in a negative feedback loop. I’m so sick and tired of it and how it Stays affecting me. whateverrrrrr it doesn’t even matter
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Praying for a positive feedback loop
Negative people should be illegal
(Message me if you are an infp or infj)
#hate negative people#feedback#parasite#annoying people#draining#sigh#loop#infp#actually autistic#adhd problems#infj
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me as soon as i finish a drawing im proud of and see someone else’s art online: fuck i wish i could do that
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what if you wanted to stream but:
you had to start every sentence 3 times before you actually managed to get it to be coherent
#i need to see a doctor about my everything#but it is taking a lot to build myself up to have nerve to potentially have a blood test#and *insert another 5 factors that are currently affecting me that all then affect each other in an annoying negative feedback loop*#all me by the way. all my brain.#puri rambles#literally was so embarrassing trying to talk to my mum and having to stop and restart so much just to say a simple english sentence
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okay i think i need to make a rule for myself that for the forseeable future i'm not allowed to use any social media except for tumblr and discord. and on tumblr i need to have my browser extensions turned on so i can toggle whether or not i want to see politics/current events posts. i was on threads for like three minutes and jesus christ
#the feedback loop of negativity and pessimism is insane and i cant handle that right now#and the fearmongering is insane too#anya shush#i cannot focus on the world at large too hard right now or else i quite literally will make myself sicker bc all my stuff gets worse with#stress#im in a place of privilege and im gonna be grateful for it and shut myself in my corner of tumblr for a bit to recup
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Omg old ass Arven artdump........ from the beginning of this specific sketchbook (only did the bare minimum to clean it up LMFAOO -- also just imagine a giant ass Pokemon looming menacingly behind them topmost drawibg I couldn't be assed 😅🧍)
#pokemon#EXTREMELY hard decision between giving this insert angel fangs or not. bc in my mind#he's like if i got to develop as intended. as a person. without lowkey being conversion therapy'd.#which is to say he's probably a teen and fun fact! i think angel fangs are one of the piercings you need to be over 18 for#probably because of the commitment that goes into it?#STILL. ULTIMATELY. I'VE DECIDED. i can do whatever i want forever actually.#anyways the dynamic between arven and my guy is so special to me. separately they may have braincells#but together they combine and get negative braincells. infinite feedback loop of rash and questionable decisions.#arven is SOMETHING of a voice of reason but he is Not immune to antics. in fact he's often starting it.#arven#trainer oc#?#self insert?#idk how i even tag him tbh.#my art
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#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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