#Now I have that David Duchovny song stuck in my head.

[scullysflannel]

but pls explain me season 6 🤪 (i would love to hear ur reading of mulder in s6)

lol neither one of us expected this to be 1400 words long but here we are.

So my first and most honest take on Mulder and Scully in season 6 is just that the writers were playing the game more that season. They spent five years subverting the Hollywood idea that two people who love each other have to act like they hate each other, and then the show moved to L.A. and the writers were like okay! It’s trope time! And they dropped a cow through Mulder’s roof so there would only be one motel bed for him to share with Scully. I respect the game. It’s my favorite season. But it’s a big shift from the way Mulder and Scully were written before, and it really only works because the season winds up being thematically cohesive enough to justify it, to a degree that was probably sometimes intentional and other times definitely not. Like in Arcadia I think we can all agree the writers were simply men making bad jokes about marriage.

But in the big picture, so much of the season supports the idea that Mulder and Scully are backsliding because they’re fighting the next stage of their relationship. I’ve said this before, but I think the hallway confession in Fight the Future is massive for Mulder and Scully in season 6. Way bigger than Diana. Scully says it in the season premiere: When Mulder told her that he needs her to be his scientist, the lesson she took from that was that she can’t change. The whole season thematically is about the two of them being afraid to let themselves change each other or admit they already have, because they’re afraid that if they stop being the Skeptic and Believer they stop working. They don’t want to risk losing each other. But they can’t be in a relationship if they can’t be changed by each other. So they’re stuck in this terrible limbo, and they’re not happy about it, especially because they’re already at a point where the roles they’re playing don’t fit them anymore. And at a macro level that’s honestly some of the best justification for “will they/won’t they” screwball comedy fanservice I’ve ever heard.

I love all the ways the season plays with Mulder and Scully’s anxiety. In Dreamland Mulder gets trapped in traditional married life; in Arcadia Scully signs them up for it and all he does is mock her; in The Rain King they keep getting mistaken for a couple. They’re always having to confront these domestic expectations. Neither one of them wants that life, but they were both kind of bred to expect it: Mulder the Martha’s Vineyard kid, Scully the sacrificial military wife. That’s part of what they’re struggling with: They don’t have a blueprint for what being a couple will look like for them, and they keep having these visions of the worst possible ending. “Getting out of the car” isn’t even a line until Dreamland, but Drive is literally “if Mulder gets out of the car, will someone die?” Do they die without each other (Tithonus) or because of each other (How the Ghosts)?

A lot of people have written so well about the motifs of this season. @iconicscullyoutfits pointed out how many season 6 episodes involve resets (How the Ghosts), usually with memory wipes (Dreamland, Monday) and dreams (Triangle, Field Trip). The message is that Mulder and Scully can’t move forward if they can’t get out of their own heads. (Field Trip pulls it all together by putting them in each other’s heads.) @foxmulders brought up how season 6 keeps telling Mulder and Scully they’re fated to live and die together (Triangle, Monday, How the Ghosts) but still forces them to choose each other on purpose, and I think a lot of the season lives in that tension between knowing something and still having to choose it. And @thegrotesckque has a great take on how Field Trip resolves the “getting out of the car” question (is it a betrayal for Scully and Mulder? Is it a betrayal for the show?) by proving that they’re better as a team when they stop playing Skeptic and Believer anyway. That’s what saves them.

All of that is so much better than whatever the show is trying to do with Diana. She’s not written well enough to explain why Mulder is so loyal to her (but is written just badly enough to justify Scully’s animosity lol). The X-Files doesn’t care about Diana as a person or even about her relationship with Mulder and how it affects him; it’s not like being burned by Diana brings up Mulder’s trust issues later in the season. They just wanted Scully to be jealous. It’s the weakest trope in a very tropey season; they threw in a love triangle and then immediately stopped caring about it, and not in a funny “no one else stands a chance” kind of way, although obviously yeah, no one else stands a chance.

But Diana isn’t the point. Even if she were better written she wouldn’t be Mulder and Scully’s biggest problem, because all of the interesting episodes of the season are about how Mulder and Scully are their own biggest problem. Diana just weaponizes those insecurities. Like, yes “you’re making this personal” is so rude it’s comical and Mulder is a jerk to Scully about Diana and Diana is a snob, and you can see all of that contributing to why Mulder and Scully are on edge with each other in the first half of the season. But it’s not like either one of them actually thinks Diana might be better for Mulder than Scully is. They’re just afraid they’ll let her stand in their way.

If I wanted to really give the Diana arc the benefit of the doubt, it would go like this: Diana is a catalyst for Scully to realize how much she wants to feel wanted. Mulder takes Scully for granted, and I’m usually kind of charmed by that (I know) because he trusts her so much. He’s so comfortable with her (@wtfmulder has written about this). But when Diana shows up and he starts siding with Diana over Scully, it hurts, especially because he never gives her a good reason. Really I think he’s just loyal and handling it badly. He sides with Diana because that’s the relationship he thinks needs defending right now. We talk a lot about the power imbalance in Scully’s previous relationships, but from the way Mulder behaves around his old girlfriends it seems like he’s been overpowered just as much. This is the first equal relationship for both of them.

It’s just wild that they put themselves through so much because it’s so simple. Of course Mulder loves Scully. He tells her so. But I think Dana “oh brother” Scully is right that he’s not ready to do anything about it, because if he were he’d be making her feel desired. He can say “I love you” on painkillers, but he can’t even ask her to dance in Kroner. He makes bad jokes to deflect (hence all of Arcadia). He’s just as overwhelmed as Scully is by the weight of what they are. I think in early season 6 they both still need the song and dance that gives them plausible deniability: him stealing her car keys and her insisting that she really should be getting home. And if Mulder has a hard time earnestly pursuing her, I think Scully also has a harder time than she’d admit letting herself be pursued. They’ve been kicked off the X-files. In a way just spending time together is so much more intentional than it used to be. Everything means more.

I don’t think they start to get their act together until Milagro, when Scully lets go of her desire to be pursued. The show’s method is bad—Dana Scully is never allowed to learn a lesson until her body is put in danger—but I think David Duchovny mostly saved it by making sure Mulder learns something too. Even if he had no idea what would happen right before The Unnatural, the way the episodes fall is perfect. Mulder finally figures out that Scully wants him to want to spend time with her outside work. It only took six full years. 

And then because they are very zero to sixty I think there’s a good chance they start doing IVF, like, right after that. Love that journey for them. If they started IVF before Mulder read Scully’s mind, he must have been insufferably needy. Maybe that’s why they’re so short with each other in Field Trip; they’re trying to make a baby and they need supernatural intervention to process it. It takes a literal religious revelation to convince Mulder and Scully it’s okay to hook up.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Piper Sargasso

Piper Sargasso has 25 stories at Gossamer, but don’t miss her website where the fics each have cover collage art. If you are a fan of Mulder/Scully romance, there are a lot of MSR fics to read that are set in different seasons of the show. But like the show that never stuck to one type of story, Piper’s stories have variety, so you can also find AUs and /Other.  Big thanks to Piper for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It does, but I love that people are still into it! Writers back in the day put so much work and love into their writing, and it's nice to know that the stories are still being appreciated to this day. As for my own stories, it puts a huge smile on my face to know there are still people out there checking them out and hopefully enjoying them.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was such a positive period of my life. I made some amazing friends who became something like older sisters (and some brothers) to me, even though I was a little ridiculous when I was in my early to mid-twenties. It was also a much-needed confidence booster. I was a pretty shy person and loved writing, but never had the nerve to show anything to anyone. My first fanfic was completely horrible, but because of it I made my first XF friend and super beta, Mimic117. Between her guidance and the encouraging words from my Yahoo group I was able to do something I really loved and felt great about myself and my abilities for the first time. That will stay with me forever. That first story was truly atrocious, but it was a catalyst for great things in my life when I needed them the most.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I remember trying this cool new thing called an AOL chat room, but they were more interested in perving on each other than talking about the show. Once I knew about fanfiction I kept seeing that some of my favorite authors kept mentioning IWTBXF in their notes, a Yahoo group named I Want to Believe. I looked it up, joined, and with great trepidation made my introductory post. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, and talking to my favorite authors in the group was a little like meeting a celebrity and finding out that they're awesome in real life. After IWTBXF fell apart, an off-shoot called Beyond the Sea was created with almost all of the original group transferring over. I stuck to my little family there and didn't branch out into much else, other than the rare dip into Haven. Ephemeral and Gossamer, of course.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Mostly the overwhelming feeling of acceptance and confidence to write, something I was sorely lacking before in my life. I fell in with the best group, that's for sure! They made me feel like being a professional writer could be an achievable goal.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

The commercial advertising. The pilot spoke to my supernatural-loving, angsty 15 year-old soul. I watched it religiously every week. There was nothing like it. It was off-beat, but serious (most of the time) and fulfilled my insatiable craving for the paranormal and weird. You just couldn't get that from Melrose Place and Beavis and Butthead, you know? It definitely helped that David Duchovny was adorable and the character of Scully was the strong and intelligent icon we needed in the 90's and beyond.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

In high school I had a friend who was as obsessed with the show as I was. Maybe more, since she once had a slumber party that was exclusively to binge watch her taped episodes (the other girls who wanted to mess around with spells and the Ouija board weren't thrilled that she couldn't be swayed away from it) and she often drove me from play rehearsals in her convertible with the top down and the theme song blasting to the heavens, much to my delight and mortification. A couple years after we graduated she told me about the piece of fanfic she wrote. Insert a record screech here. What?! You mean there are thousands of stories dedicated to my favorite show? And hundreds more get added every month?! I was obsessed. If I could've stopped working and slept at my computer desk I would have.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Sadly it's nonexistent these days. I have great memories and it holds a big piece of my heart, but I haven't been active in a long time. I would love to see a huge revival, and would definitely want to be involved in that in some way, were it to happen.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction for a while, but I never could expend the kind of energy and time I did for the X-Files fandom. It came at a perfect time in my life, and so far nothing else has measured up to it.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Besides XF characters? Off the top of my head I really love Hermione Granger, Buffy Summers, Elizabeth Bennet, and Claire Fraser for their sass and strength of character, Severus Snape for his complexity, and Christina Ricci's version of Wednesday Addams for her pure awesomeness. She's pretty much my spirit animal.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I do occasionally. I watched the series from season 1-7 so many times that I started to burn out, but I get on my X-Files kicks sometimes and binge it again.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

Like with the show, I'll get nostalgic and need to consume all the fanfics my greedy little eyes can behold until I move on to something else. It can feel a little lonely though, if you'll excuse the drama. We're not in the heyday anymore, so it feels a little like walking through a ghost town. Many of the stories out there are suspended in time because the show ended, or people stopped writing.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I know I have dozens, but I'm drawing a blank. My ultimate favorite is any well-written MSR casefile with UST finally resulting in RST. Those are my unicorns!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I have a silly one called Baby, It's Cold Outside that I sometimes read around Christmastime. It was a fluffy song-fic, but I can see the scene so clearly in my mind when I read it and it's just pure fun. I also like my Donnie Pfaster series. I can see the potential in my writing with those, which makes me feel I could really write something special someday. Plus, he's such an interesting little slimeball to write and read about. Bless his heart.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I still think about the two WIPs I haven't finished. I wrote myself into a corner with This Mortal Coil, and honestly I think it needs a total overhaul. I think Dana Scully's Diary would be a fun one to finish. I hate that I never finished them.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I think about writing fanfic now and then and I've had a couple original novels sketched out, but there are so many other demands on my time that I haven't gotten very far. I still plan to see the novels through, even if no one but interested friends and family read them.  

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I used to watch an episode and really study the actors' expressions and actions, always trying to find new angles to the stories we all know. A lot of times things would just come to me and I'd get so excited I couldn't sleep until I wrote a good chunk of it down.

What's the story behind your pen name?

The friend who introduced me to fanfic told me the best way to choose a pen name was to make sure it derives from the show. For a couple days I looked at the titles and summaries of episodes and agonized over just the right name. Finally Piper Maru and the summary from Triangle, which mentions the Sargasso sea, stood out and just clicked.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

My now husband always knew, and he thought it was cool that I had a hobby that made me so happy, but he was never a reader. My parents found out when I was about 24 and my step-dad would tell EVERYONE about it, much to my horror. Most reactions were of the bland, "Oh yeah? That's nice." variety but I definitely got some weird looks from others. The worst was when I found out how much of my racier MSR stories my parents read. My step-dad thought it was hilarious and teased me a little. My usually open-minded mom was uncomfortable, but tried to be supportive. It's all fun and games until your daughter starts writing psuedo-erotica for anyone to see!

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Circe Invidiosa very generously hosts a page for me at http://pipers.invidiosa.com.

(Posted by Lilydale on January 26, 2021)

[leiascully]

answer 17 questions and tag 17 people! (Please make sure to create a new post rather than reblogging!)

name: M

age: fandom auntie

zodiac: Aries babey ♈

height: 5′3″ish

hogwarts house: Gryffindor because I am too headstrong to live also JKR is a terf but Harry Potter fandom does good work transforming it against her wishes

last thing i googled: uh something for this smutty story I’m writing according to my search history

song stuck in my head: a goddamn Subway jingle that plays during all the women’s soccer games

number of followers: some :)

amount of sleep: during not work from home times?  6ish and I’m always tired.  Now more like 8 usually

lucky number: 3, 13, 42

wearing: pajamas because I’m on my period and I don’t have any video calls today and I need Maximum Comfort

favorite song: "David Duchovny” by Bree Sharp.  I’m not even joking.

favorite instruments: cello, piano, French horn

favorite author: Jeanette Winterson, Mary Oliver, Richard Silken, @mashnotesofthemythopoeic, @teethnbone, @singlecrow, Dorothy Sayers

aesthetic: I’m a chameleon, but my preferred aesthetic is cozy bisexual: big sweaters, weird eyeliner, cute little stars, etc.

favorite animal sound: chirpy inquisitive purrs, sleep barking, soft whickering

random: I really love the scent of this lavender-lemon-patchouli soap I bought at the store

tag people: @chezamanda @baronessblixen @sunflowerseedsandscience @kateyes224 and anybody who wants to do this!  I feel like a lot of people have already been tagged.  

[rawiswhore]

Jimmy Urine x Fem Reader- “Angel of the Morning”

Here’s someone you never see me write fanfics about: Jimmy Urine from Mindless Self Indulgence!

I know that I’ve written 2 fanfics similar to this one I’m about to type, but this was a fantasy I had last year on this very day and I remember even listening to some of these aforementioned songs that day so I could fantasize of singing them to Jimmy. He was my current crush at the moment.

________________________________________________________________

You opened your eyes in the arms of Jimmy Urine, your head was resting on his chest like it was a pillow.

Your ear was pressed against his heart, the first thing you heard when you woke up was the sound of his heartbeat.

His arms were wrapped around you, he was still fast asleep.

You looked on the right side of the bed: your clothes and his clothes on the floor.

Jimmy looked like this while he was still asleep, minus the clothes, microphone and his eyes were closed:

Thank God his hair didn’t look like it was made of knives like it was in the “Never Wanted To Dance” video.

You had a special surprise for Jimmy. 

Since he was half Hispanic, you were going to sing some songs in Spanish and some Spanish-inspired songs.

You had to take some time to fully wake up though.

You then slightly raised your body up and put your hand on Jimmy’s chin and began singing...

“I want your tender kiss, to caress on my lips” you sang, to the tune of the chorus of Christina Aguilera’s “El Beso Del Final”.

Jimmy’s eyes started opening, fluttering. 

Yes!, you thought. He’s waking up!

You have such a beautiful voice, so silky and smooth.

“I want your warm embrace” you sang “And to wake up to your faaaaace”...

How ironic you sang this, the first thing Jimmy Urine saw when he woke up was your face singing to him.

He saw your eyes and your face looking down at you,

“I want to do so much with you, you’re stuck to my mind like glue” you sang “Do you love me as much as I love you? I really hope do...I hope your love is true”.

“Man, that’s really pretty” were the first words out of Jimmy’s mouth today. “Did you write that?”

“Kinda...” you said.

“What do you mean ‘kinda’?”

“Well” you explained “It’s originally a Christina Aguilera song sung in Spanish, I love this song and wanted to sing it to you since you’re Hispanic, but I translated the Spanish lyrics in English, and the lyrics in English aren’t so romantic, so I changed the lyrics, at least the chorus, anyway”.

You actually wanted to sing another Christina song a few minutes from now.

“I have some songs I want to sing to you this morning” you said.

You began singing another song to him. A song he probably doesn’t know about (most people don’t know this song).

“You left a fire in my eyes, that lightens up the darkest skies, I'm giving up I'm letting go...

Take me back to my sweet lavida Find my love my dolce vita Show me where I need to go Donde esta mi chico latino”

“Estoy aqui” Jimmy said, pointing to himself, with a big smile on his face. “That’s catchy. Did you write that song?”

“No” you said “It’s by Geri Halliwell, Ginger Spice from the Spice Girls. She was the redhead in the group, wore that Union Jack/British flag dress”.

“Ohhhhhhhh” Jimmy said. 

You had another song you wanted to sing to him. Wonder if Jimmy recognizes this song since he’s part Mexican and grew up in the 70′s, when this song was released and sung in Spanish?

“Quiero en tus manos abiertas buscar mi camino y que te sientas mujer solamente conmigo Hoy tengo ganas de ti, hoy tengo ganas de ti. Quiero apagar en tus labios la sed de mi alma y descubrir el amor juntos cada mañana Hoy tengo ganas de ti, hoy tengo ganas de ti.” 

While you were singing this to him, you were gently stroking his hair, combing his hair with your fingers.

Jimmy started noticing something.

“Are you singing me these Spanish songs or Spanish-esque songs because...”

Before he could finish his sentence, you interrupted him, saying “You’re half Mexican? Yes. That’s exactly why I’m singing them to you”.

“Ay, me gusta mucho” Jimmy said, a big smile on his face.

“Gracias” you said, smiling back at him.

“De nada” he responded.

You had 2 more Spanish inspired songs by two women who were part Latina to sing to him.

“I’m reaching out to touch you, in the middle of the night” you sang “And I don't know if I've been sleeping But I hold my pillow tight Are you real or are you my imagination playin games? I can set you free You'll always be my eternal flame Your dreamy eyes They just wont say good-bye Well it must be my fate cause I just cant escape And the passion never dies Oh, dreamy eyes No matter how I cry I just can't reach you dreamy eyes”.

“That’s so pretty” Jimmy responded. “Who sings that? Did you write that song?”.

“No, I didn’t” you said. “It’s by Christina Aguilera. Actually, I read Christina wanted to sing music like that what I just sang to you on her debut album, that album had ‘Genie in a Bottle’ and ‘What A Girl Wants’ on that album, but her record company said ‘no’ to it. Not even Christina herself approved of the teenybopper bubblegum pop on her debut album!”.

Jimmy chuckled at what you said. 

Jimmy probably doesn’t like Christina Aguilera besides her singing voice.

You had one more song to sing to him by a diva very much like Christina, so much, she was one of Christina’s musical influences, and this song sounds like that Christina song you just sang.

“I'd give my all to have Just one more night with you I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine 'Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song I'd give my all for your love tonight”

“That song sounds really familiar” Jimmy said. “Who sang it?”

“Mariah Carey” you answered. 

“Ohhhhhhhhhh” Jimmy responded. 

Jimmy probably despises Mariah.

“That sounds like that Christina Aguilera song you just sang for me” Jimmy said.

“I know, right?” you said. “Christina is inspired by Mariah, not to mention that kind of R&B was big around the time that Mariah song came out. Toni Braxton’s ‘Unbreak My Heart’“.

Jimmy does probably remember that song. And he probably hates it too. I think even Toni Braxton hates that song too.

You then lower your body and lay your head on his chest again, like his chest was a pillow.

“Jimmy” you said. “I remember when you said you loved movie soundtracks growing up, that was what you were inspired by growing up”.

“I was” Jimmy said. “’Star Wars’“

“I love movie soundtracks too” you said. “The background music to the 90′s remake of ‘Lolita’, the one with Jeremy Irons and Melanie Griffith in it. The music in that movie is beautiful.

I also love the soundtrack music to ‘Cool World’; that raunchier ‘Roger Rabbit’ knockoff with Kim Basinger and Brad Pitt. And ‘Wild Orchid’, a movie in the late 80′s starring Mickey Rourke that was like a predecessor to ‘50 Shades of Grey’”.

“Wow” Jimmy said. “I didn’t even know that about you”.

“I also have other movie soundtrack music I love” you responded. “’Red Shoe Diaries’, do you remember that show? That was also a ‘50 Shades of Grey’ predecessor. Matt LeBlanc from ‘Friends’ and David Duchovny from ‘The X Files’ got their starts on that show. I love the music on that show”.

“I vaguely remember ‘Red Shoe Diaries’” Jimmy said.

“It’s a hot show” you said. “We should binge watch it together. I also really enjoy the music to that ‘Basic Instinct’ knockoff ‘Body of Evidence’, with Madonna and Willem Dafoe”.

“You really seem to love the music to erotic thrillers, don’t you?” Jimmy said.

“I do, absolutely. It’s really beautiful, sexy, well done music” you said. “I want to cuddle with you to the music from those movies and shows someday, maybe even do other things besides cuddling to that music, ifyknowwhatimean”.

Jimmy let out a chuckle from his mouth.

You looked at the time. It was now 8:30.

Uh oh. We need to have breakfast now!

________________________________________________________________

Actually, a few days after August 7th, 2018, I wanted to listen to the “Love Theme” from “Wild Orchid” because I was stressed out and I was fantasizing of cuddling with Rick Sanchez and Nergal from “The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy” to it.

Also, in November 2018, I was fantasizing of being in Cuba in the ocean, Jimmy Urine was holding me, my legs were wrapped around his waist, I was in a bikini and he was in a pair of swim trunks. 

[megsandroses]

this is serious.

gillovny thing.

she can’t stop smiling. she’s watching david play the guitar and hum some words she cannot understand. he does that very often when he doesn’t want her to hear the whole song yet. she tells him it’s silly but still she doesn’t know what the words of this new song are.

“is it “all of you” or “i love you”?” she asks, looking at him. he crosses out the words from a little piece of paper and swears under his nose. “david, language!”

“coming from you...” he murmurs. she laughs. he’s been grumpy all day. “it just doesn’t make the fucking sense.”

“maybe i’ll help you? she offers, standing up from his sofa.

she comes closer, takes his guitar, puts it gently on the floor and stradles his lap. she starts kissing him. first his ears, then forehead, eyelids, nose, cheeks, chin and then mouth. the kiss becomes more passionate and he moans in her mouth. she smiles.

“this is how you want to help?” he asks, laughing. she shrugs.

“isn’t it inspiring?” she gives him another kiss and puts her arms around his neck. “i have to come back to london next week.”

“shh...”

“david...”

“don’t.” david shakes his head. he’s looking directly into her deep blue eyes and he’s trying to tell her something, she knows he is and she’s trying really hard to find out what it is. “don’t talk about it. let’s not think until you really have to leave.”

“i’m not leaving.” she corrects him. “i’m just going home.”

“same thing” this time david shrugs and she frowns. “i know it’s unfair but i hate it so much when you have to go. i know i can’t make you stay because there’s your home and your kids but sometimes i wish you were all mine and i didn’t have to share you with anyone.”

“just sometimes?” she jokes and gently touches his cheeks. he closes his eyes at the feel of her touch. “i know it’s fucking hard, david. i wish we could be together all the time, too. but there’s nothing we can do.”

“what if there is?” david asks. 

she looks at him, not understanding what he means. he makes her stand up, he does too and goes to his bedroom. she should start calling this room their bedroom already, she spends so much time there. she calls his apartment her home, too. whenever she stays here, she feels like home because this is him. this is david who she stays with. he goes to flowerist before she comes, he buys her fresh flowers, lights the lavender candles, puts the fresh towels, wakes up in the morning, prepars breakfast and then meditates with her before they have to face the new day. this is david - this is home. 

why doesn’t she still understand it, though?

he comes back after a few minutes and suddenly she realizes that he changed. he’s wearing a white shirt and black slim tie. he’s so handsome, she thinks. and she loves those skinny dark jeans. 

he’s smiling when he comes closer and she can’t help it so she smiles, as well.

“what’s happening?” she asks and starts playing with his tie. “you look sexy.”

“i hope i look convincing, too” david jokes and takes her hands in his and sighs deeply. he’s nervous. she places her palm on his chest and feels his heart beating so fast. for sure, he’s alive. “gill, what if there is something we can do?”

“what do you mean?” she still doesn’t know.

“gillian leigh anderson...” he sighs again and drops on one knee. gillian opens her eyes even wider and feels like her own heart stopped. “you know i love you. i won’t be exaggerating when i say that i’ve always loved you. i can’t even remember the times when i wasn’t in love with you. i know we’ve been to hell and back, we had our ups and downs, we still struggle with so many things and sometimes it feels like the whole world is against us but i’m sure we’re gonna get through that because this is it for me, gillian. i’m not going anywhere anymore. i’m not running away, i’m not going to fuck it up anymore because there is too much to lose. i love you too damn much to risk it again. and i can’t let you go alone. i know you can’t stay here but what if i go with you?”

at first she thinks she’s dreaming. then she’s sure it’s a joke. maybe he’s rehearsing for some kind of audition. 

she starts laughing. 

“what the fuck are you doing duchovny?” she asks and sits at his sofa. he frowns and looks down. he’s hurt. “you’re proposing to me?”

“i guess...”

“you guess?” she laughs even louder. “baby, i love you but do you honestly think this is what we should do? marriage isn’t my thing, you know. and we’re too old for that shit.”

“stop laughing.” david says. she stops. “this is serious. i’m not proposing to you because i don’t see the other way for us. i’m proposing because i love the shit out of you and i know that your multiple husbands weren’t the ones. i am the one. i promise you eternity. i promise you my whole life. this is your choice gillian but if i were you, i would take it because we both know we’re stuck together for good. you’re not going to step back and neither am i. so you can say no but you know you’re going to regret this because you love me and deep down you know you want all of this.”

“if i say yes, you’re gonna move to london?” she asks, barely whispering. he nods. 

“my kids are older, they’ll understand. i’d still visit them every other week, just like i do now. i just need to know if you’re really at the same page with me... because this is serious.”

“i’m not laughing anymore.” gillian whispers and kneels in front of him. she smiles and kisses him on mouth. “this is serious and i’m saying yes to all of this. but most of all, i’m saying yes to you because i can’t fucking live without you. i can’t function. you have to be by my side so i can feel alive.”

“i’ll be there, i promise.”

gillian nods and that is a definite yes for her. she couldn’t feel happier. she’s going to marry david. after twenty five years of knowing him. after twenty five years of loving him.

“yes.” she whispers. “now give me the ring.”

and she’s never seen more beautiful ring in the world. and of course it fits her perfectly, just the way he fits in her life.

this is such a cliche.

[confessions-of-a-hs-graduat-blog]

Chapter 11: Black socks

Black socks, they never get dirty

The longer you wear them,

The stronger they get.

Black socks, I think I should wash them

But something keeps telling me

No, no, not yet.

If you’ve never heard that particular earworm before, put this book down immediately, go find it online somewhere, listen to it, and then come back and burn this book as revenge; I am so sorry. It’s the kind of rollicking song meant to be sung on a bus, by a group of rowdy adolescents, over and over until the bus driver aims the bus over the edge of a cliff.

This is what greeted me outside of English class one day, and if there had been a bus and a cliff at my disposal, I would have done it. As we all waited in the hallway to be let into the classroom, a curvy redhead with a booming voice and a Red Hot Chili Peppers patch sewn to her World Famous backpack bellowed the verse over and over, seemingly to no one in particular, until the teacher let us in and there was finally some relief.

The next day, it was still stuck in my head. I approached the redhead, who, mercifully, seemed to have tired of the song.

“Hey,” I said. We had the same backpack, only mine was black and had a No Doubt patch, so I figured I had an in. “You totally got that song stuck in my head yesterday.”

Her name was Jennifer, and she was, honestly, my first true love.

Now, I’m pretty sure my entire family was convinced I was gay by this point. I’d never shown any interest in boys, unless you counted the dozens of photos of Agent Mulder from The X-Files plastered all over my bedroom walls. And they probably didn’t, because Scully was in most of them too, which was suspect. I’d also spent so much time with Aunt S. that my parents had started to joke that it was “catching”, which, by the way, was totally homophobic and unfair, but I wasn’t really in a position to get on a soapbox at that point in time, so I would just slink away as they tittered.

Anyway, why the hell would I be interested in boys? After all, boys had never shown any interest in me, aside from a few of the usual playground foibles in elementary school that mostly consisted of chasing someone around until they tired and gave in, or hitting them over the head with a plastic cutlass at Halloween (sorry, Brandon!). Though my moves had no doubt improved by then, it was probably not by much, and I had no interest in using them anyway.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t overly bothered by the lack of romance in my life. I was only bothered with Agent Fox Mulder, who, I imagined, would only too happily jettison Agent Scully should a dark and mysterious new female agent arrive on the scene, one with a troubled past and a chip on her shoulder, one that totally wasn’t at all completely based on me.

As it turned out, Jennifer was equally obsessed with The X-Files and David Duchovny in particular, though I doubt she spent her evenings at the computer, feverishly typing languid fanfiction in which Agent Mulder and Agent Mary Sue fought crime ‘n found love, not that I, uh, ever did that, either.

So, surprise, family: I wasn’t gay, and my relationship with Jennifer was entirely platonic, though I’m sure for the first little while, the rumours flew. We were closer than close. We would walk to school together, eat lunch together, and then go home and listen to music together. Her shelties would nip at our heels as we ran up the stairs to her room; I would study the cover of Dookie while she drew designs on her backpack, and pray that she didn’t actually want to play it, because I secretly fucking hated Green Day.

True to the redhead stereotype, Jennifer was bold and brass and everything I wanted to be. Where I had a flat plain (complete with tumbleweeds) adorning my chest, she had a huge, majestic, freckled set of knockers that she routinely used to her best advantage, sticking her chest out and moving through the halls of school like the prow of a ship. If her parents said she couldn’t do something – like go to band practice, for example – she would take up her trombone and march around the island in her kitchen, playing anything that came to mind, as loudly as possible, pausing only to empty the spit valve onto the tile. She was terrifying and glorious, the absolute opposite of me.

Of course, with any amour fou, however platonic, comes knock-down, drag-out fights. Though we would always make up in the end – as dramatically as possible, of course – we were as venomous as we could possibly be in the interim, endeavoring to inflict as much pain on the other party as humanly possible. She was a master at the sudden, strategic acquisition and subsequent flaunting of a new “best friend”; I got a half-day of suspension for calling her a cunt in the middle of gym class, when we were supposed to be square dancing. She was a talented artist and would craft detailed scenes depicting a young girl with a suspiciously familiar blonde bob running in terror from a trio of fighter jets; these pieces would be prominently displayed in her locker, which, of course, was still right beside mine.

Oh, but it was glorious. This break up/make up routine, which I’m sure was genuinely distressing at the time, nevertheless fed perfectly into the inherent thirst for dramatics that my tumultuous home life had instilled in me.

After a while, as if our relationship couldn’t mirror a romance closely enough, our parents decided to go all Montague and Capulet on us. My parents hated her, and her parents hated me. Maybe it was the constant dramatics; maybe it was the fact that Jennifer’s mother felt that my adoration for Jennifer’s antics egged her on; maybe it was Jennifer’s devil-may-care attitude that rubbed my father the wrong way, hoping to put a stop to things before it all went too far and his daughter formed an Opinion. Every so often, one or the other set of parents would put their foot down and say No more of that girl; but to no avail. This would only result in a teary, clandestine phone call, and someone jumping out of their bedroom window in the middle of the night to go meet the other one. My father even nailed my window shut – good thing we never had a fire – but I clawed that fucker right back open. You’re not the only one that knows his way around a hammer, sir.

Regardless of any obstacles in our way, our on-again off-again relationship continued until the end of high school, by which time we had both cooled off enough to choose different universities, and ultimately, different paths. Our paths have continued to cross throughout our lives, but it was never the same, and I suspect that nothing will ever be quite like it again.

[hippysoul]

tagged by: @pebbbler nickname: chasey star sign: Aquarius ♒️ height: 5'3 time right now: 8:01pm. last thing i googled: what is paint pigment made of? favorite music artists: Nirvana, Sublime, Van Halen, NOFX, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Cheap Trick and sooooo many more. song stuck in your head: waiting in vain by Bob Marley last movie watched: Austin Powers 1. last TV show watched: X-FILES!!!! what are you wearing right now: a super comfy black t-shirt, cargo pants, pink converse and a bunch of stone jewelry. when did you create your blog: probably like 2 years ago idk. what kind of content do you post: passions/interests such as art, nature, humans, extra terrestrial stuff or just things i find beautiful. do you have any other blogs: nope! do you get asks regularly: lol no, never. why did you chose your url: i thought it pertained to me very well, i'm such a hippy type, it's in the depths of my soul. but i'm also pretty grunge as well, dark colors, rock music (all forms of rock i adore). it's like i either dress hippy or tomboyish grundge or vintage. no in between lol. gender: chic aka female. hogwarts house: Gryffindor:-) pokémon team: no clue man. favorite color: i honestly love every color so much... buttt all blues, greens and yellows are just lovely. average hours of sleep: 6-7 hours? prob less! lucky numbers: 7. favorite characters: there's so many but scooby do is the shit, i love David Duchovny in Aquarius and X-FILES, ahhhh idk what else. how many blankets do you sleep with: i looove blankets, i have like 8 different throw soft blankets and one massive blanket. so i usually sleep w a few. dream job: something that will cause me to travel everywhere, working with animals or humans, something to either help people or explore in some way whether it's writing or psychologist. i have no clue, i have so many different passions. following: 173