#Over a month before Pac gave him roses and they had their first date at starbobby

[royalarchivist]

Mike: If someone drink this love potion, it becomes... in love.

Pac: In love!

Fit: I can't drink it right now- I'm trying. I'm tryin' to chug it!

Mike: Because you are already in love with someone, Fit.

Fit: Oh, maybe. You might be right.

[They all laugh]

[latent-thoughts]

The Pursuit of a Simple Life (Chapter 6 - Goddess of Wrath)

[Co-Authored with @emeraldrosequartz​]

Rating: 18+ (there be lots of citrus here).

Warning: None

Pairing: Loki/Original Female Character

Summary: Three years after returning to Earth with the other Asgardians following Ragnarok, Loki finds himself working for SHIELD, truly just trying to fight the boredom. While on an undercover mission, he unexpectedly begins to fall for his co-worker, Gemma, and she seems to feel the same way…about Dave, his alter ego while in disguise. Can Loki continue a relationship with her while keeping his true identity a secret? How many lies can the ‘God of lies’ spin to keep his pursuit of a simple life?

[Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017); THOR IS A GOOD BRO AND TOTALLY NOT HOW HE WAS IN RAGNAROK, THNX; Infinity War Doesn’t Exist; Everyone lives]

A/N: Gemma shares some sad details of her life with Dave, and then she has to face her boss again.

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IMPORTANT NOTES:

Bold Text = Loki’s POV

Normal Text = Gemma’s POV

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Loki wanted to murder Oliver. Painfully.

In the time the pudgy man had taken to humiliate poor Gemma, Loki had thought about twenty scenarios where he could end up dead, with no evidence indicating any foul play.

He could do it. But he knew that it would not work well for the mission. The man would most likely be declared a martyr who had probably leaked important information against the company.

In his three or so years on Midgard, Loki had learnt quite a bit about how the media of the realm worked.

Hence, after considering everything, he lowered his murderous gaze from the man and tried to appear engrossed in his work.

He'd deal with Oliver later...

For now, he focused on Gemma. His poor Gemma...

Once Oliver was gone, Loki slipped from his desk and walked past hers on his way to the printer, dropping a note down to her surreptitiously.

It was a simple note, stating that he thought Oliver a callous and uncouth monster, and that he believed she wasn't at fault. Lastly, he gave her the venue of their lunch date, to uplift her spirits.

Gemma read the note, like, 300 times.

“Callous and uncouth”...? Who TALKS like that? Dave talks like that. Perfect, handsome, wonderful, sexy Dave talks like that.

Not my fault...well of course it’s my fault. I didn’t get the work done, and now I’m in trouble for it. But it’s nice of him to say so...

WOW he wants to go THERE for lunch?!

By the time noon rolled around, she had memorized that note word for word...and she could not WAIT to get out of there.

She clocked out, grabbed her cardigan, and headed over to Dave’s desk.

“Hey, thanks for the note. That was really sweet.” She smiled and wrung her hands together. “So...ready to go?”

Loki rose from his desk, closing his laptop and grabbing his bag and pea-coat.

"Absolutely," he declared cheerfully, grasping her hand to lead her out of the hall. "Also, you'd do well to learn that I don't accept expressions of gratitude for acting with bare minimum decency."

He helped her put her cardigan on once they reached his car, feeling her tremble as he did so. He kissed her cheek softly to ease the tension in her body, and it only made her jump.

"Relax," he stated, holding her close for a moment. "Everything will be fine. Your reports will be done on time. Now forget the work related hassles and try to take a break."

He opened the passenger door for her as he said that last bit, helping her into the car.

She couldn’t believe he actually held her hand the whole way to his car. His incredible, gorgeous, fancy-as-hell car. Ooooh, she loved it.

And she was kind of starting to think she loved him even more. Not like LOVE love, but, you know, like how you love a cool drink of water on a hot day. And Dave was definitely a cool drink of water.

“Ok, I’ll try,” she responded. He was acting so familiar with her, with the kisses and the chivalry. It almost frightened her...she could get VERY used to this, and then it would hurt that much more once reality set in and he disappeared from her life, nothing more than a fond memory.

Because, deep down, she just knew this was too good to last. Stuff like this didn’t happen to her. But in the meantime, she would enjoy it as much as possible.

She clicked in her own seatbelt this time, and giggled as he drove out of the parking lot WAY too fast, grabbing his hand on the stick shift.

He grinned in response as she giggled, really enjoying the lilting sound it made in her throat. He wanted to make her laugh more often. Every day...

But he couldn't get ahead of himself. Not right now...

Once they reached their destination, he led her out of the car and into the restaurant of his choice.

"So, still want to have sandwiches?" he asked playfully as they settled into an intimate corner table with a large window overlooking the sea. "Or can I endeavour to change your mind?"

“Please...change my mind,” she said. Her tone was verging on sultry, and she dared to put her hands on his over the tabletop. She felt tingles radiate from where she touched him. This was their first actual date!

“Um...actually, why don’t you go ahead and order for me?” She watched for his reaction nervously--she’d never asked her date to order for her before. Then again, she’d never dated anyone like Dave before.

This was all becoming so unbearably and fantastically romantic...

Loki ordered for both of them while still holding her hands over the table. He didn't care if the waiter frowned upon it, he just did it because he wanted to.

"So... " he murmured as the waiter went off with their order. "I want to know something about you, Gemma. Will you tell me?"

He saw the hesitance in her eyes, but still, she nodded.

"Why do you work at PAC & Co.? It's not a very friendly work environment, from what I've seen in my three months here. Surely you can find a better place than this?"

Gemma wanted to bring her hands back to her body, to wring the bottom of her shirt like she always did when she was nervous. But he felt so good holding her hand, and she couldn’t bring herself to let go. So she pushed through the nerves.

“I...well, I never thought I’d end up in a place like that, doing that kind of work. I always thought I would be--oh, nevermind, it’s stupid...”

She sighed and looked away. “I just...needed to pay the bills. And a monkey could do that work, so I knew I could do it. I don’t know. Things just didn’t turn out the way I planned, so I kept settling for less and less until...I got here.”

She hated that THAT was the story of her life--giving up on her dreams and settling for the absolutely dull and tedious world she’d built around herself. But it was the truth, and she felt like she owed that to him, at least.

“I know. Not very impressive...but that’s how it goes sometimes, I guess.”

"I see." Loki didn't like that she was letting go of her wants and wishes and just settling. So he pushed for more information. "And may I know what you actually wanted to do?"

He rubbed his thumbs over her wrists, trying to calm her down the moment he felt her growing restless. She was like a little hummingbird in his hands... so tiny and vulnerable. He wanted to protect her with all that he had.

She looked at him, feeling incredibly exposed. But he’d done nothing except be kind and patient with her; he’d shown her time and time again that he harbored no ill will toward her. But instincts and hard lessons learned were difficult to overcome.

Still...she wanted to tell him. And if he laughed at her, well, then it would be just that much easier when he went away.

“Um...geez, I haven’t told anyone this for a long time. I...I moved to New York City because I wanted to act on Broadway. I was in plays and musicals my whole life growing up, and when I could finally move out of that podunk little town, I came straight here and started auditioning. I took whatever classes I could afford, started meeting people, and then...well, then the attack happened...”

She closed her eyes, knowing she was close to tears but doing her best to keep it together.

“I was waitressing when it started...and I almost got killed. Captain America saved my life...along with everyone else in the building. I was so grateful to be alive!

“But then...well, my apartment was destroyed, along with all my stuff. I didn’t have renters’ insurance--it was too expensive. I was barely making ends meet, and I couldn’t move back home--I couldn’t stand the thought of living with my parents again. So I figured I’d get some admin job, just until I could get back on my feet and start auditioning again. But that was...god, it feels like a lifetime ago. And I just...I don’t feel the passion I used to, you know?

“Maybe if the attack hadn’t happened, I’d be where I wanted to be, but now...well, nothing I can do about it but tread water and try to put my life back together. And a steady paycheck is a big part of that, even if I have to sell my soul for it.”

Loki felt as though he had been slapped in the face, several times, with a hand made of uru metal...

While several centuries' worth of experience gave him enough fortitude to keep a straight, concerned facade on, internally, he was wilting. He had not felt this deep a bout of self-loathing in years.

The attack. His attack on New York had destroyed and forever changed many lives. One of them had been Gemma’s life. His sweet, loving, kind Gemma...

He had almost killed her.

Norns, he hated himself so much...

But there was nothing he could do to undo the past. That was the most frustrating part of his life.

His grip on her hands tightened slightly as he spoke. "I understand, though I cannot empathize fully. Being here when the attack happened.... it must've been terrifying. That monster changed your life forever, and he didn't care one bit about it. I'm sorry, Gemma... so sorry."

His voice nearly cracked as he tried his best to apologize for his deeds, though covertly. He knew that he didn't deserve forgiveness, but still, apologizing was the least he could do.

“Yea...” she sighed, finding it hard to meet his eyes. “But it’s not like I’m the only one it happened to. Plenty of people died that day, and I didn’t. So I have to believe there’s a reason for it...even if that reason is pretty far out and I can’t see it from here...”

She was shaken out of her thoughts when the waiter placed a beautiful cut of filet mignon in front of her, with a side of roasted vegetables and a few crostini. She thanked the server and cut off a generous bite of the meat, and as soon as it hit her tongue, her eyes rolled up and she moaned.

“Oh MAN--this is delicious! You ordered me filet mignon for LUNCH?! It’s like you’re trying to impress me or something...”

She giggled, letting the somber moment pass. Her depressing life story wasn’t going to change, and this incredible lunch was in front of her NOW.

“So, Dave...” she said, still chewing. “How did you get into sales? Family business?”

Loki was still feeling shaken, so he just looked down and played around with his food while she spoke.

Even though her little moan was distracting, it couldn't pull him from the pits of despair he was presently wallowing in.

"Not really. I was told that I was very persuasive from a very young age. So I suppose going into sales was a natural progression." He shrugged, trying to give her a little smile. It felt strained.

“Hey...are you ok?” Gemma asked. He had been so enthusiastic before her story, but now he seemed...depressed. She swallowed, then sighed heavily. “God...Dave, I’m sorry. I ruined the mood... Talking about the attack probably isn’t the best way to have a fun afternoon, is it...”

She sighed again. She’d blown it, just like she knew she would. There was still plenty of food on her plate--delicious food, better food than she’d eaten in years--but now, she wasn’t hungry anymore.

“I...I’ll just catch a cab back to the office. Thanks for lunch, Dave. Have a good one.”

She wanted to offer to pay for her meal, too. But she knew she couldn’t afford it, so she had to leave before he asked her to.

"Gemma," Loki said firmly as she tried to rise from her seat. "Sit down."

Norns, he had upset her now. First, he had nearly killed her in New York, destroyed her life, and now he was ruining her day as well.

No, he would no longer be a cause for her misery. He wanted to give her joy... to mend the life he had nearly snuffed out...

He looked up at her with an earnest expression. "I'm sorry. You didn't ruin the mood, I did. I shouldn't have pried into your life like a rampaging bilge--like an untamed bull. It was insensitive of me. Stay, please..."

That look he gave her nearly melted her heart.

Stay, please...

How could she not?

With another nervous gulp, she sat back down and looked at him softly--he looked almost more upset than she had been. What an odd reaction...

“I didn’t really want to leave anyway...” She smiled and took his hands in hers again. “And, thank you...for asking, I mean. It’s been a long time since...well, actually, I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that before, about why I work at PAC & Co. It’s nice that you care.”

Their eyes locked, and she found she couldn’t look away from him. There was so much in his eyes, in his face--sadness and joy, nerves and excitement, concern, desperation, longing...she’d never seen anyone more expressive than him in that moment.

She was lost for words...time stopped. Her universe zoomed in and all she could see--all she wanted to see--was this incredible man who had suddenly shown up in her life and, for reasons she couldn’t even fathom, wanted to be with her.

"I do care," he stated truthfully, picking up the fork and offering her a piece of the fillet. "I wanted to know you better. I still do."

He squeezed her hand, almost afraid that she'd pull it away and run from him. It was an irrational fear, but still, it was there...

He didn't want to lose her.

She didn’t want to lose him.

She squeezed his hand in return and ate the filet off of the fork as he offered it to her. And the next. And the next. Until the meal was over.

She checked her watch, realizing she had gone WAY over her lunch break time, but...it didn’t matter. Let them fire her. What she needed--what she wanted--was to stay here as long as possible, pretending the outside world didn’t exist.

As the meal concluded, Loki paid for it, watching her as her eyes tried to discern the bill surreptitiously. That made him smile.

He didn't let her see the amount.

"I suppose it's time to go back to work, even though I honestly don't want to," he said as the waiter left with the bill and the amount paid. "But we both have things to finish."

He kissed her hand and rose from the seat, pulling her along.

"Do you think that Oliver would've lost his shit over your reports by now?" he asked casually, wrapping his arm around her as they made their way out of the restaurant. "Or would he not care till tomorrow morning?"

“I don’t think he’s even going to be there tomorrow. He’s probably already left for the weekend.” Gemma said drowsily. That lunch was MUCH bigger than what she usually ate, and the extra food in her system was making her sleepy. She curled into him and put her arm around his waist in return as they walked to the car. “He doesn’t like me...so he just tries to make my life miserable. Little does he know I’m a pro at having a miserable life. Sucks for him, right?”

She chuckled morosely as she climbed back into Dave’s amazing car, settling into the leather seat with a contented little moan.

“Thanks for the lunch, Dave. Truly. That was the best meal I’ve had in ages. And the best company.”

She smiled warmly and held his hand, letting him go when he needed it to change gears but otherwise holding on to him the entire way. As they pulled back into the parking lot, she pouted.

“I don’t wannaaaaaa...” she cried sarcastically.

Loki laughed at her childish little whine as he got out of the car and opened her door for her.

"I'd honestly take you back to my place and ravish you in all the ways I want to," he confessed as he pulled her out of the car and pressed her against it with his body. "But I'm trying to practice restraint. We ought to be more responsible, no?"

“No,” she answered cheekily, narrowing her eyes in a scrunchy little smile. “Let’s not be responsible. Let’s run away from this two-bit town and never come back.”

She was joking, of course...wasn’t she? Also...who said “ravished” these days???

Dave. Dave says ravished.

She enjoyed the little shiver that ran down her spine at the thought of it

But as they walked back through the doors with their arms around each other, fielding the raised eyebrows and sudden titters from their co-workers, Gemma just smiled. Maybe, JUUUUST maybe...things might work out.

And then she saw Oliver waiting for her in the lobby, tapping his foot and looking at his watch...

Oh...FUCK...

Loki was feeling elated once again. Gemma was in his arms and she looked so happy. She was glowing.

Because of him. Or Dave... it was the same thing, really, for his affection wasn't any different in either form.

While he was lost in his own thoughts about Gemma, Gemma's step faltered. That brought his mind back to the present, and he saw Gemma's face fall.

Following her line of vision, he saw their boss, Oliver, waiting in the lobby, looking none too pleased.

Oh, what did he want now? He was going to undo all of Loki's attempts to cheer the girl...

Very subtly, Loki stepped ahead of Gemma and tried to shield her from the portly man's renewed ire.

Gemma and Oliver’s eyes locked. She could see the hint of a malicious smirk on his face...he was going to chew her out--AGAIN--in front of the entire team. Twice in one day. For whatever reason, he seemed to love singling her out...he’d done it for years, and for all that time, she had taken it. Just sat there and let him do it...and she was sick of it.

Had she NOT been through enough? Talking to Dave over lunch had helped her put her life in a bit more perspective; just because she hadn’t succeeded in what she’d expected to do did NOT mean she deserved to be abused by a bully.

She. Was. Done.

Gemma felt Dave beginning to move in front of her, and she stopped him. He turned to face her, the same heart melting concern on his face, and she gave him a firm, resolved look. She let him go and walked up to Oliver.

“Have you been standing here waiting for me to get back from lunch, Oliver?” She put her hands on her hips, eyes narrowed.

Loki's jaw dropped. He hadn't expected Gemma to confront Oliver straight away...

That seemed to affect the idiot as well, for he seemed at a loss for words for a few seconds before he responded.

"I was wondering why you had gone out for lunch when you have work left to complete! Do I need to remind you that I want the reports on my desk by Saturday morning?" he asked with malicious glee, most likely expecting to see Gemma wilt against his verbal tirade again.

But Gemma didn't wilt this time. Much to Loki's surprise, she kept staring at Oliver with an even gaze.

Gemma felt a fire in her belly...she didn’t know where it came from, but she liked it. She wasn’t going to let Oliver push her around anymore.

Because if someone like Dave thought she was worth something, maybe she should start thinking that, too.

“Is it Saturday morning yet, Oliver?” she challenged him, a hint of sarcasm slipping into her words. She practically spit his name out.

Oliver sputtered and turned beet red, eyeing Gemma as though she had sprouted another head.

Loki was enjoying this immensely. His Gemma was fighting back! This was glorious...

"No," Oliver finally answered, glaring at her while also knowing that she had him. It was written on his face, clear as the day.

“Then what’s the problem? Seems like I still have plenty of time to finish those reports you asked for--which I’m assuming you must need so urgently that you’re going to meet me here tomorrow, right? Otherwise, this could wait until Monday?”

“What? No, I won’t be here tomorrow...” Oliver’s face turned that purplish-crimson color she despised, and she scoffed at him.

“So why, exactly, do I need to get them to you by then, hm? Could it be that you needed to make yourself feel better by putting me down, just like you have for the last three years? Your fragile little ego needed a boost? Because if that’s the case, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but a TPX report isn’t going to fix that. And I’m not taking your shit anymore.”

She pushed past him, saying quietly so only he could hear. “Now please leave me alone so I can finish the work you so desperately need completed, despite the fact that you won’t see it until Monday when you get back from your weekend of self-destructive binge eating and coddling your porn addiction.”

His eyes went wide and he sputtered as she glared at him one more time.

“You really should clear your browser history more often when you’re at work.”

With that, she headed to her cubicle, absolutely vibrating with nerves.

Loki was absolutely stunned, as was Oliver.

Gemma was... Norns, she was a GODDESS of WRATH!

The way she eviscerated that buffoon, with class and dignity, was breathtaking to watch. Loki had a front row seat to that, and it wasn't at all disappointing.

He was so excited to see her stand up for herself that he wanted to jump up on his desk and give her a big round of applause.

Oliver was now standing there like a man emasculated. And justly so. The absolute wretch that he was, he deserved every word of her scathing response.

As Gemma settled into her chair, the pudgy man made himself scarce, leaving the hall with his tail between his legs.

Loki couldn't help himself. He skipped over to Gemma's desk and grasped her hand.

"That was great, Gemma. I'm pretty sure that he's not going to bother you for the rest of the day now," he said, feeling nothing but pride soaring in his heart for her.

And just as he finished speaking, other people from the hall came rushing to her cubicle to tell her how wonderfully she had dealt with Oliver.

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[prinzessmetal]

Welcome to my blog. I want to write about some things that I don’t feel comfortable getting into on other platforms as often as they are happening. I want a place to talk about my health struggles in hopes that it will help people choose themselves and their bodies. If I had known 10 years ago the medications and episodes that are part of my life now it might have helped. If someone hurts you and tells you that you can handle something you don’t feel like you can please seek help even if you just tell a friend rather than internalize that. Trigger warning ahead: abuse and health problems. When I was in elementary school I asked my parents to homeschool me. I wanted to do acting full time and I wanted to do music when I was old enough. This is what Judy Garland did according to a bio pic so it was probably a good plan. I had a lot of crazy almost moments. I auditioned for Hannah Montana and Hermione and got pretty far in call backs. I got called in by the guy who signed Britney. My old manager dated Lana Del Rey before she released anything and told me my music was too depressing like his girlfriend’s and I would need to be more uplifting or I would end up like her. I worked from when I was a kid until now. I enjoy telling stories and making art so that some insignificant feeling of mine can blossom into something beyond me. I think a lot of entertainers have a similar set of needs. There’s people who happen upon it and there’s people who live and breathe and die for it. Maybe there’s a hole to fill or they feel things so deeply they want to get it out and set it free. This was the complete focus of my life. Except for love. I wouldn’t trade my work for anything except for a man threatening to leave. I have always been scared of that feeling and I have done some pretty predictable things to avoid it. Dyed my hair, paid for parts for a moped, moved across the country, and allowed another human with a lower iq and no job to break my heart over and over again. I did that several times, I mean, what are your 20’s for? I think a lot of women spent their 20’s feeling like they were raising their boyfriends. But, I stayed when men crossed lines that aren’t just normal and routine and those things ended up hurting me. When I was 19 I moved to Nashville to record an album. My music manager and my boyfriend were both control freaks with a lot of rage. I was “not like the other girls.” At 19 I was a manic pixie repressed dream. I was terrified to be too much or not enough and I was raised to be sweet and soft. I couldn’t imagine yelling back or ruining someone’s wants with my needs. My inner child actor didn’t know how much adult was too much adult. I looked about 13 and I felt about 60. One day my boyfriend was screaming at the top of his lungs and I was concerned about the neighbors hearing it. I had recorded with session players that day in the studio and I didn’t explain to him (as he found from my posts online) that some of them were more attractive than I had let on. I am not sure what level of graphic I will get into on this blog but I will say for now it “got worse.” My mom happened to be calling when this was going on and my pocket answered and she overheard. She flew out a few days later and wanted to know if I was okay. I lied and I told her that he was never like that and he had been under a lot of pressure trying to find a new job. I didn’t want to lose him for whatever reason at the time felt like the end of the world. Some nights I would go for drives to get away and cry to “Razzle Dazzle Rose” by Camera Obscura (great song to drive and cry to) until I had a headache and I would head back home when he had fallen asleep. In the mornings he was always extremely sorry and a completely different person who “would change.” At the end of this relationship I started getting chest pains. I think I went to an ER and was sent home with anxiety. I thought it was weird how badly anxiety hurt my physical heart and odd that it was deemed okay. But it seemed likely true as I was 19. Over the next few years I dated different people some like the first guy and some gentler. I was raised around anger and big highs and lows and angry people thought me to be comforting. I tried my best to avoid mistakes and things that caused problems because I didn’t feel I had the stamina i just wasn’t sure why. It often caused that chest pain I didn’t understand. At 24 my body started not feeling like itself more consistently. I often had chest pain and missed heart beats (pvcs and pacs) and my body hurt a lot for no reason. I felt rushes and I would feel dizzy and faint and out of breath. I was given a variety of names for all this. I had dysautonomia, POTS, autonomic dysfunction, “a weird nervous system” or just anxiety. I read all about different conditions but I didn’t know what I had but I knew my body wasn’t well anymore. I spent the next couple years being known as a hypochondriac. “Nothing is wrong with your heart Molly.” I still associate the hospital’s hold music with the mantra “it’s not your heart” that was routinely on the other end of it. I eventually gave up. I must have had some psychosomatic issue and I was probably crazy and I wanted to start living again. I was tired of chest pain with no cause and angry boyfriends ruling my life. I wanted my music to have a chance and I worked harder than ever. I also experimented with night life and smoked a cigarette or 2 or 3 and I got a few hangovers. I was a normal 20-something. Finally the homeschooled neurotic girl was kind of fun or I became some version of myself I was meant to be had I not taken some wrong turns or slept with the wrong people. I remember people would say to me “I can’t keep up with her she’s wild” and I was thrilled I had never been particularly fun I had always just been working or isolating myself with some guy. Neither cause helped the other and I had nothing to show for the last few years but I felt alive for the first time since maybe grade school. I let myself be free. One day I ate a friend’s edible and I had what I thought was a traditional panic attack. My heart was racing and I wanted to run away from it. A normal bad reaction to edibles. But my heart hurt for days. I couldn’t keep up with my (tall) boyfriend at the pace we normally walked and it was hard wearing the shoes that I did and I started avoiding the stairs. I was out of breath and in a lot of pain and it kept shooting down my left arm. I went back to my (famous and respected) cardiologist and she said not to come back to the clinic anymore as it was causing her team and myself to falsely believe that my problems were cardiac in nature. Except it turns out that I have heart disease. It took 6 cardiologists and a lot of ER visits to get any answers. I’m a young woman trying to get her life set up and I have heart disease. I hear over and over “it’s not your heart” and the hold muzak playing louder and louder and my boyfriends telling me to stop making up chest pain to get away from their rage and my music manager telling me it was stage fright and my old therapist telling me it would go away if I did the work inside my mind. I have Prinzmetal Angina. It got out of control after a bad car accident and a traumatic and stressful month last December. My coronary arteries were spasming shut and I spent January-June getting a lot of stern looks and speeches about anxiety from doctors and nurses all while I really just needed Calcium Channel Blockers and various forms of Nitroglycerin. I intend to pursue my music and art. I’m in a band and I am not going to change and become the normal picture of chronic illness which generally neuters people. I’m still young and intend to stay in touch with that the best I can. Some days I can take over the world and some days I have to stay in bed and some days I need to go to hospital for extra nitro and morphine. A lot happens behind the scenes I don’t always know how to share on instagram and twitter so I made this blog. I like to share my art in those places which I consider to define me more than how my body is not working. But, it’s a huge part of my experience and I would like somewhere to share it. I don’t normally feel comfortable talking about my bad dating choices and abuse but I think it’s important for people to know that the damage from it can be very real. Prinzmetal Angina was just studied with relationship abuse as being traumatic enough to cause it. I think we downplay how bad abuse hurts us and tell people to just get a grip. Maybe if I had read this when I was younger I would have treated myself differently and chose more carefully who I let near me. I hope you enjoy this blog and take care of your body and appreciate the days you feel free. Xo Joon

[dontshootmespence]

Flirting is Foreign to Me

A/N: A request from @sweetblackdragon7 for a Spencer x Reader where she is shy, but works up the courage to flirt with Spencer and then they have a cute date. @coveofmemories @sexualemobitch @jamiemelyn @unstoppableangel8

                                                             -----

“God, he’s so cute Pen, what am I supposed to do?” you whined quietly. What had it been? Eight months since you joined the Bureau? Each and every day you struggled with whether or not to say something, or more accurately, whether or not to try and overcome your unbearable awkwardness. You did not flirt, but Spencer didn’t flirt even more than you, so if anything was going to happen it was going to have to be on you to start things.

Penelope just did her little happy dance, her smile as wide as the skies, while you pined away for the BAU’s resident Boy Genius. “You are supposed to flirt with him,” she said happily. In the eight months you’d been here, you and Penelope had become exceptionally close, and she of course, loved every member of her team to pieces, so naturally she wanted to play matchmaker. “Go over there and strut your stuff. With that beautiful smile, those shining eyes and that brilliant brain and personality of yours, there’s no way that Spencer will be able to resist you.”

“Pen,” you said, blushing furiously, “There’s something you’re not realizing...I don’t strut. I can’t flirt. I’m awful at it.”

With a shrug, she turned you around and whispered in your ear. “If we weren’t at work, I would give you a shot of liquid courage, but alas, we are here, so,” she said with a push, “Just go for it.”

You started to walk over to Spencer’s desk, taking in the waviness of his soft brown locks as he tilted his head up to smile at you. That smile. It gave you butterflies that threatened to burst forth from your stomach at a moment’s notice.

Nope. Couldn’t do it.

A small smile and a shy wave were all you could muster as you detoured sharply to the right and back to your desk. When you turned around to see Penny, she was glaring at you, cutting her eyes. You were going to hear it later.

But...FLIRTING WAS SO HARD!

What if he didn’t like you like that? Then you just put yourself out there for nothing. Exception rejection. Which sucked.

As you sat down at your desk, you hung your head in your hands and took a deep breath. Another day.

                                                            -----

Okay, so that other day that you mentioned, took nearly another month to occur. But today was it, today was the day you were going to put yourself out there, the day you were going to put your heart on your sleeve and hope Spencer didn’t crush it into teeny, tiny pieces. Bile rose in your throat. “Nope, I can do this.” you said to yourself. “It’s fine. I’m good.”

This was going to be easier because it was first thing in the morning and you and Spencer were the only two members of the BAU in yet, except Hotch. You were 99% sure he lived here, but while you and Spencer were outside and both heading toward the coffee machine, Hotch was still in his office, as always. “Hey, Spence,” you said, a smiling spreading across your face. The movement felt so forced, but you were going to try anyway. “How’re you?” As you passed him to grab some coffee, you grazed his arm - not muscled but toned. 

“I-I’m okay,” he started. When his eyes met yours, he blushed and looked away. Why were you both so awkward? Why was this so hard? “What about you?”

You told him you weren’t too bad - that you wished you didn’t have to come in today because you were in the middle of a really good book. “Really?” He asked, his head snapping up with all the awkwardness vanished from him. “What are you reading? I’m been re-reading War and Peace in the original Russian recently.”

Spencer really did have it all. At least in your opinion. He was cute, intelligent, sweet - everything you’d ever wanted. Flirt dammit, flirt. “I definitely can’t read in any other languages, or read as fast as you, but right now I’m in the middle of reading a friend’s medical research. Something to take the edge off of work.”

“That takes the edge off of work?” He laughed. “I usually watch Doctor Who if I want to distract myself from work.”

This was your in.

“Maybe we can watch together some time,” you said, hoping that the offer didn’t sound like it was choked out - because that’s definitely the way it felt. “I mean, o-only if you want to, of course.” You looked down, feeling the heated blush crawl up your entire body. The temptation to turn around and walk away was overwhelming, but you stood your ground and forced yourself to look up at him again.

Spencer’s eyes flashed with a look of recognition, as if he just realized that you might be interested in him. “I-I would l-like that a lot,” he said. “The new season doesn’t start for a while though.”

That was true. You hadn’t thought of that. What else could you suggest that would make him realize you were interested in him? “Well, I know there’s this new old-school arcade going up in the center of town. It’s set to open in two weeks. You wanna go? With me?”

“You really want me to go with you?” He asked.

Your cheeks were blushing fiercely, your skin taking on a searing heat. “I d-do,” you started, swallowing hard while you tried to form the words in your throat. “I’m no good at flirting Spencer, but I like you - a lot - and I would love to get to know you - on more of a romantic level.” Okay, it was out there now. Grabbing your cup of coffee, you spun around and quickly walked back to your desk.

“Y/N?” Spencer came up to your desk after about ten minutes, having returned from the cafeteria to leave your favorite blueberry muffin on your desk. “This is for you. And...I would like to get to know you too. Does...does that mean we have a date in two weeks?”

With a chuckle, you placed your hand gently on top of his. “I think it does.”

                                                           -----

Two weeks later was your first official date at the arcade. Although since finalizing your plans, you’d texted back and forth with random questions, favorite color, favorite movie, favorite Doctor, all in an effort to learn everything you could about each other. “Okay, I have to do Pac-Man first,” you laughed. “It’s my favorite.”

“Me too,” he smiled, grabbing your hand. His skin had brushed your own in passing before, but this was difficult. A wave of warmth washed over you as you followed him inside. Flirting was completely out of the realm of comfortable for you, but if you hadn’t pushed yourself, then you wouldn’t be reveling in this comfortable feeling right now.